CDBNYC went to Newark for the Idols show. Along for the ride were Kodachrome621 and GloriaGloria. If you haven’t gone to a concert with them before, you really should put this on your bucket list. (I’m one of the lucky ones.)

If you’re wondering why the hell they went to Newark to see the likes of your cousin Phil DeWheezy and Drunk Benami sing songs sung better by other people, its because they took advantage of that LiveNation deal offering up seats for $10 and could see the amusement in getting drunk in Newark for an Idols show.

Why was I at the American Idol Season 9 tour, you ask? Sigh. I guess the time has come to admit it. I’m madly in love with Andrew Garcia. Totally butt-crazy in love with him, you might even say. Yes, I know he’s married and has an adorable little child, but I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re meant to be together. Andrew, I really want to love you forever. You’re not just caught in a hit and run.

…or the tickets were cheap, and I thought it would be amusing to go.

We came to Newark fully armed for the AI tour experience. Our arsenal included three Phil Dweezy pins (we may be ambivalent about Lee DeWyze, but we loooooooove Phil Dweezy), one “I <3 Tim” pin, one “BOW-ER-SOX” pin, one “I’m just here for the music” pin (everyone should buy a $10 pinmaker – seriously awesome investment), and copious amounts of alcohol.  We did not acquire any more pins while at the Prudential Center. We did, however, acquire quite a lot more beer.

We began our evening in the third-to-last row of the arena. It was a looooooong way away. I’m pretty sure Didi performed while we were up there. I couldn’t tell you for sure, though. They might have just been playing the background music from an episode of Gilmore Girls while some blond crew member wandered around.  Andrew Garcia definitely performed. He sang all of “Straight Up” standing way at the back of the stage. Maybe he was afraid to get too close to the audience? I don’t blame him – people are pretty angry about what he did to “Genie In A Bottle.”

They let us move about 10 rows forward at that point. Things were much improved. And they began to look up musically, as well!  Katie Stevens doesn’t have much personality, but at least she has energy and a decent belt. Girl was working HARD to get that audience engaged, and I appreciate that. She will be a valued member of her college drama department and/or a cappella group.

Tim Urban. Oh, Tim Urban. I love you. I was wearing a pin that proclaimed my love for you. But darling? Out of a group of people who can’t really sing, you can’t really sing the most. Your Goo Goo Dolls song was painful. (You should have sung Iris. I hate Iris with a violent passion, but that would at least have been funny. To me.) Viva La Vida was significantly better. But why no slide, Tim? Why no goofiness? And most importantly, WHY THE FLAT IRONING? It turned your luscious 70s teen idol locks into boring emo hipster hair. It robbed you of your powers. It made me sad. Don’t do that again, okay? And give up on the music thing and get a job on a CW show. You’d be perfect for 7th Heaven v.2.

Siobhan needs a band. She’s out there in her goth milkmaid costume, with her eerie intro music and her piercing wails, and there’s no one for her to interact with. She needs more bodies on stage. And they need to not make her sing Spiderwebs. It’s a fun song, but it ain’t a Siobhan song.

High School Student Aaron Kelly? Was awesome. Who knew? He’s totally viable as a country artist. (I say, as someone who doesn’t really listen to country music.) His vocals were strong, his song choices were good (though the Lonestar version of Walking In Memphis lacks the punch of the original), his energy was high, he filled a large arena. Good for you, High School Student Aaron Kelly! Go be Country Bieber, with less annoying hair! Godspeed!

Performers 10-5 sang The Climb. It should have been Party In The USA.

At intermission, the drinking continued. As did the ticket upgrades. A truly awesome friend gave us some extra tickets for the first tier, just above the floor. So much closer! People were actually getting into the show down on this level! Standing up? Eh, not so much. But definitely reacting more audibly. So that was fun.

Mike Lynch’s set was like molasses. Sooooooooooo sloooooooooow. He went down on one knee at some point. Mike, the Prudential Center doesn’t want to marry you. Really. Please don’t propose to us, it’ll just be embarassing for all involved. Oh, and never rap again, okay? Glad we sorted that out.  Casey’s set (with the exception of that damn Don Juan De Marco song, which we’ll lump in with Mike’s set as the same critiques apply) was fun. That boy can certainly play guitar. Vocals were pretty good, too, although he’s still majorly lacking in stage presence. Again, song choice. Important. And well done. Good luck with southern rock, Casey – it suits you.

Crystal Bowersox should have been at Lilith Fair. But I’m glad she was here. Because there’s no way I’m going to Lilith Fair (just can’t deal with that many female singers at once - I’m trying to conquer my musical misogyny, really I am), and I was very very happy to see Crystal live. She’s great. She just tears into her songs with energy and passion and skill, and brings the audience along with her. I haven’t wailed “What’s Up” that loudly since 8th grade.

And then there was Lee. The audience loved Lee. There were more puffy paint shirts for him than for anyone else. There were women of all ages carrying his photo around. He’s clearly the heartthrob of the season. (But…Tim!)  To be fair, Lee stayed pretty much on key throughout, which is far more than he managed on 90% of his AI performances. But his arrangements are odd (he made Beautiful Day sound like Free Fallin’, and turned Hallelujah into a headbanger), his vocals make almost everything sound like Creed (you know what the world needs? More Creed!), and he sang Use Somebody. So, no. I’m sorry, Lee. But you are not for me.

Then they all sang It’s My Life/My Life Would Suck Without You. A beautiful medley built around the theme “Songs Performed On Glee.” Honestly, after watching them perform this on Good Morning America, I devoted a full hour of my life to memorizing the lyrics to My Life Would Suck Without You, so I could sing along loudly enough to drown out the actual singers. This proved not to be strictly necessary – they sounded totally okay. But I learned those Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and I used them, damn it.

We stopped briefly at the barricades on our way out. There were a lot of people there. I’m not sure why, but I choose to believe that the draw was Jim Cantiello, who was interviewing fans. I mean, those people weren’t really there for Didi Benami, were they?

All in all, it was a good time. Due, for the most part, to the company and the alcohol, rather than the singers, but hey, whatever. And I seem to have developed a taste for the ridiculous (provided it comes at a low price). I’m totally seeing if I can score cheap tickets to the NYC stop of the Ruben/Clay tour.

I’ve heard they do a medley where Ruben sings Tik Tok and Clay sings Baby Got Back. How can I miss that?

Spread the word. Do it.

What the hell did Kelly Clarkson ever do to deserve this shit?

(Thank you, Vote for the Worst)

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, I’m just a wee bit sad. No, not because I simply adore American Idol. And not because I simply adored this season. I’m just a wee bit sad because I simply adore tearing this show a new asshole on a weekly basis. I simply adore that a few of you actually take the time to read this shit blog. Where will you go? Will I ever see you again if we don’t have American Idol to talk about? I WANT US TO STILL BE FRIENDS!!!

Crystal won the all-important coin toss for tonight’s performance order and smartly chose to go second. So Lee DeWyze will be going first. I would have used the clever nickname I thought of for him last week, but I’ve already forgotten it. Sads. This year is a bit different in that the contestants were actually able to choose their possible coronation song. Because no one wants another No Boundaries. Bowersox has chosen something about a mountain and DeWheezey has selected something called Beautiful Day, which I want to believe is not the U2 hit made even more memorable in my favorite Super Bowl halftime show of all time. After all, both songs need to have the patented brand of syrupy schmaltz that is the Idol coronation song.

Wait…is it…? You mean they’re doing covers. COVERS? Wow. Kara DioGuardi. You killed the Idol coronation song. It might have been the only good thing you’ve done with your life. So Crystal Bowersox is doing Patty Griffin’s Up on the Mountain and Lee DeWyze is doing…U2′s Beautiful Day?

Lee DeWyze
Contestant’s Choice — The Boxer

As a child, Lee DeWyze wanted to be a baseball player. Then he picked up a guitar and fell in love with it, because after every kid finds out its nearly impossible to be a professional ball player, they then resort to their fallback plan. And that’s becoming a rock star. I also recall hearing this same exact story back in 2008 when David Cook was on the show. All the other little boys with similar dreams grew up to do other things. One of them is likely sitting next to you at a bar right now, or maybe he left your toilet seat up. He probably also sold you a can of paint.

How long can Lee stay in tune? How long will his line of spittle stretch like an orthodontic rubber band during the li-li-li-la-la-li-li-lis? He seemed to stay on tune a bit more than usual, but his first time around with this song was a lot better. He seemed more hungry during that performance and frankly, this one fell a bit flat. He phoned it in, perhaps because of nerves of perhaps because he thinks America will swoon and pick up their phones whenever they hear him do the Simon & Garfunkel classic. Sorry, Ellen, I disagree.

Awwww, look who got fresh Botox for Finale Week? And why is she not wearing her full skin suit? We can see part of her alien lizard scales. This would only be good if I could see her deep throat a hamster, a la Diana in the original V.

So he was connected to the song? Huh? Yeah. Simon sums it up better than Limited Vocab and Shit-For-Brains. He did need more passion and excitement.

Crystal Bowersox
Contestant’s Choice — Me & Bobby McGee

Yay! Crystal Bowersox’s biker dad! Yay! Crystal Bowersox has known who she is as an artist since her early teens! Yay! Crystal Bowersox brought her favorite bong back for the big night.

I don’t really have to listen closely to this performance to come to the conclusion Round 1 will go to Ms. Bowersox. She’s singing Janis Joplin’s Me & Bobby McGee. She can’t screw it up. She could sing this in her sleep and it would still be better than most of what we’ve seen this season. When Lee inevitably wins, Crystal will be just fine. I’m also issuing a $100 bet right now that within the next few weeks, rumors of her being cast as Janis Joplin in the Janis Joplin biopic that has never come to fruition (the last I heard was Pink) will start popping up.

I bet Randy says she’s in that damned wheelhouse again. Come on…come on…say it, Randy! Say it! Damn him! Although it does seem you can’t start things out slow on Finale night. At least in Randy’s eyes. Ellen sums it up quite perfectly. Go Ellen. Can’t you say things like that more often? Every time Kara DioGuardi says the word artist, I want to cut myself. Simon basically says she’s sucked for the past month, but now they have a competition on their hands. Yawn.

Lee DeWyze
Executive Producer’s Choice — Everybody Hurts

Executive Producer’s Choice just has really lame ring to it. OH JESUS FUCK. What was that first note? What is this…? WILL SOMEONE SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I can hear them dying but all I can see is this guy with a guitar on my TV. Wait there is a choir of like 1000 people behind him. Surely they don’t need that many people to do whatever it is that they’re doing, why aren’t they saving the kitty cats? The kitty cats are obviously trapped or hurt or scared and WOULD SOMEONE JUST SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I am not watching Animal Planet. I’m watching American Idol. I have no desire to listen to the audio from a kitty cat snuff film.

The choir just raised their hands. OMG THEY WERE SACRIFICING THE KITTY CATS TO THEIR GODS. HELP THE KITTY CATS. EVERYKITTY HURTS…Limited vocab Randy just said it started off pitchy (JUST PITCHY?) but then he got it back on track and became the Lee that he knows and loves. Sure, the final quarter was in key, but likely because he could shout the bridge. Oh Ellen, no.

I felt that you went off a couple of times, but I don’t really care about that, it’s really about the performance.

Ok, well she recovered…kind of. OH KILL ME NOW.

Lee, what makes you great as a performer is that you’re emotionally accessible. And that I can feel every word you’re saying and you’re telling a story. It wasn’t a perfect vocal, but I loved that about you.

Emotionally accessible? Granted, rocks show more emotion than Kara DioGuardi’s damned forehead so maybe that’s why her perception is off. Simon thinks it was a brilliant song choice for him.

I understand, you’re nervous.

The judges who are getting paid millions of dollars to judge a singing competition have just informed us singing means nothing. They’re not even pretending anymore.

Crystal Bowersox
Executive Producer’s Choice — Black Velvet

Come on. Crystal Bowersox deserves more than this trite piece of shit from one-hit wonder Alannah Myles. How many times has this song been performed on American Idol? (I know someone has the stats, so please give them up.) This song has aged about as well as the movie Cocktail.

Bowersox puts a bit of a bluesy torch song spin on it, but she must know its absolute shit? She just doesn’t look comfortable up there sewn into that ruched-to-all-hell-wannabe-diva black dress. And while she deftly handles such a shitty song choice, she almost overdoes it vocally when going in for the Siobhan Magnus (remember her?) glory notes. The judges will love it.

And the judges do. Lee DeWyze might be fucked. After all, it is a girl’s year, remember?

I’m almost allergic to that song. I’ve heard it so many times in auditions where people have absolutely murdered it.

Oh yes, Simon. Oh yes. So does this mean Crystal Bowersox can ably handle any shitty song you give to her? That’s a pretty tall order. Have you heard some of the releases from American Idol finalists? Anyhoo, Crystal makes a couple of jokes to endear herself to the audience once more. Whomever said she’s not media friendly sucks. She throws out the words little boy, diabetes and the lord at the right time, and also makes jokes at an opportune time.

I am so bored, so very, very bored. I’m so profoundly bored. Dear Lee DeWyze, this is your life now. Did your little boy fantasies of being a rock star include all those signs made with Sharpies and poster board?

Lee DeWyze
Coronation Song — Beautiful Day

It is the U2 song. Oh, Simon Cowell. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you got Bono to clear a song for a contestant? He lost. Anyway, someone was obviously taking advantage of Bono’s current infirm state when they got them to clear Beautiful Day for Lee DeWyze? The crusading rock star must be on some heavy painkillers right now, huh?

In all actuality, its Lee’s strongest performance of the evening, but the song doesn’t veer far enough from the original to make it distinct enough, which is almost necessary when you’re doing an incredibly popular song that is relatively recent in the grand scheme of things. Beautiful Day is one of those songs that always been uplifting in a sense, yet not entirely cloying, even though it is a most typical I-am-Bono-I-wear-sunglasses-&-want-to-save-the-world anthem. It’s corny, yes, but it just works. Perhaps again it is because, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, I will always associate it with the 2002 Super Bowl. (Yes, I know. The album was released in 2000.) It was the first song in U2′s emotionally-charged set that featured no frothy stage antics, just every name of those who died on 9/11 projected behind them during Where the Streets Have No Names. Save for Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising, which still gives me chills every time I hear it, Beautiful Day is a song so indelibly associated with a time where the United States was still reeling from the confusion and tragedy of the 9/11, that its hopeful message seems almost cheapened in any other context — especially on a show called American Idol.

Sure, U2′s Walk On is probably more associated with 9/11 than Beautiful Day, but that’s otherwise one of U2′s weaker songs.

(In case you don’t remember, or you missed it the first time around, here’s the greatest Super Bowl halftime show in the history of Super Bowl halftime shows.)

Regardless of what it makes you think of, Beautiful Day may be just too iconic an anthem for any American Idol contestant to take on. Even with an orchestra backing them. Hell, I still think Adam Lambert’s version of One from last season’s finale was one of his weakest performances. Again, perhaps it may just be U2 is one of the few huge acts still performing and releasing new material that any of their work may just be too recognizable for a karaoke contest. It’s U2. I mean, when you want to hear With or Without You, who do you want to hear singing it? U2, or some schmuck you sells you paint? All of this being said, I would love to see a U2 night on American Idol. Perhaps I’m a sadist. And a night of Bruce Springsteen songs? Oh yes. I am a sadist, granted, I would love to see what Crystal Bowersox might be able to do with Atlantic City.

You know something? It says a lot about how dull this show is when I just spent about the last 20 minute waxing faux-philosophical about U2, Bruce Springsteen and 9/11.

The judges give mixed reviews. Kara says he has the most commercial voice of anyone in this year’s competition. When Kara says commercial, its much like when she says artist (but what about those who do not believe you can be a true artist if you’re commercial? Yikes. I am so bored.) and I feel the need to cut myself. Simon reminds us that its his last Idol to judge and that Lee worked in a paint store. Did you know that Lee DeWyze used to sell paint?

Crystal Bowersox
Coronation Song — Up on a Mountain

Doing what she does best — but where is the bong stand? I am also in love with Crystal’s necklace. (Is she still wearing Lilly Scott’s feather? AWESOME!) I don’t know if there is any need to critique Ms. Bowersox’s performance, even with those backup singers hovering all around. Song choice? Perfect. Originally recorded by a respected artist (Patty Griffin) yet not a mainstream pop song known by the entire fraking world. It showcased every one of her strengths. Crystal Bowersox is the real fucking deal. And perhaps that’s why I’m still so damn bored. Because Crystal Bowersox IS great. She’s just always been better than this shit show.

JESUS FRAKING CHRIST IDIOT AUDIENCE PERSON. This is not a Danny Gokey show. This is Crystal Bowersox. Put your hands down, ya asshat!

Sure, Ellen can’t compare her to any contemporary artist, but why the hell is she giving some of the best critiques this evening? She’s almost having a moment. Which pisses Kara DioGuardi off because she is still so desperately — emphatically — trying to have one. Uh oh. Tears. Then…kissing ass to Simon? Crystal Bowersox is press savvy, ain’t she? Has Idol already stolen her soul?

And since this is the final critique I am ever going to give…That was outstanding.

So in the end, the judges threw Lee under that bus that still has Casey James bloody blond hairs caught in the tire treads. After all, it was a girl’s year.

Wait…we’re not done? Will Young? The original-original Idol singing live? To a Season 9 montage? Oh ANGELA MARTIN! COME BACK! Yeah. I bet Kara DioGuardi has done nothing to help you with recording that single now, has she?

Oh great Flying Spaghetti Monster, shoot me now.

So who’s gonna win? No one. We will find out everyone was really dead the entire time and this was some sort of limbo where they had to work out issues they had while they were alive. And Kara DioGuardi is that smoke monster or whatever the hell it was. I didn’t really watch that show.

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Halo is kind of a lame song choice, especially for such an “edgy” and “original” (ZOMG EDWARD GOREY TATTOO) young woman, but Siobhan sounds great. When she pulls back and reigns it in, there are several hints of brilliance in her voice. Perhaps she should take Crystal Bowersox’s advice — Bigger isn’t always better. And when Siobhan steps up to the mic, less really is always more. Just because one can hit those insane octaves doesn’t mean they should do it whenever possible, you know?

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Randy Jackson is wearing washed red velour and snot is hanging from Kara DioGuardi’s ears. Do you mind if I just put this out there? I don’t mean it offensively, I swear. Rascal Flatts, you see, I always thought that was the name of the guy singing, so I’m gonna keep it that way. Rascal Flatts looks like the stereotypical stout lesbian most people assume all lesbians look like. Like Chaz Bono before surgery.

The entire lot of these Rascal Flatts people look like douchebags. One has a frosted combover not unlike the one formerly worn by David Cook until he bought a clue. Rascal doesn’t even sound good. He also makes facial expressions like the crazy guy I always end up sitting next to on the bus. All of the Flatt People look as if they go shopping with Randy Jackson, even the “invisible” one of the group, who sort of seems like he could be okay because he reminds me of Harry Crane, if Harry Crane were transported from 1960s Madison Avenue to some inexplicably pop-country crap band in Nashville in 2010.

Because it is difficult to imagine any of the contestants from Season 9 actually liking one another, Seacrest tells us there’s special behind-the-scene footage from this week’s lame Ford Commercial — its about vampires — showing the palpable closeness of these fine young cannibals individuals.

Aaron Kelly says he’s never been a vampire before. No fraking way! I swear I’ve seen this before…on America’s Next Top Model. Apparently, All the Idols are going to eat Michael Lynche, obviously because he’s the only one big enough to feed six. It’s also incomprehensible those contact lenses were comfortable enough to take a nap in.

In this Ford Commercial, set to that Believe song that isn’t by Cher, Big Mike just wants to go home and eat his large pizza — topped with garlic cloves galore — but he ends up in some vampire-infested woodland. His extra garlic pizza saves him! Yeah…probably not gonna happen tonight. Next up is footage from when everyone met the director of Shrek Forever After and got to see if they could voice Seacrest’s role better than Seacrest. Siobhan sounds like Yoda. Crystal doesn’t erally change up her voice, but all-in-all, no one is really bad at making funny voices — even if this cross-promotional Seacrest circle jerk is more than a bit lame.

Look! Lee and Siobhan are sitting by each other! But they’re not holding hands! Lee is the only one too cool to wear his Shrek ears properly.

Big Mike is so game, he doesn’t take his ears off…even after the show. He also uses this time to kiss ass to Seacrest. Or poke fun at the little man. It’s kind of all the same thing.

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas are there. Antonio is cool because he voices the character inspired by Oskar, even if we’re not making any money off of it. Grrrr. A bit off topic, but this show is so damn bloated already, how could Antonio Banderas be married to Melanie Griffith? Once his everyday English fluency increased after moving to the states, why didn’t he get a divorce? How very, very strange.

Because there are only six contestants left, Seacrest gets to do his little, let’s divide up the groups on either side of the stage bullshit. Siobhan goes to the left, Aaron to the center — but not before Randy gets to say wheelhouse and in his element — and then Big Mike is up to bat. Simon makes a homoerotic dig at Seacrest, Mike goes to stage right.

Lee gets to go stand by his supposed girlfriend (apparently, the LA Times’ Idoltracker is responsible for shipping such crap) and looks a bit like an arm wrestling dwarf when doing so…

Now Casey is up, so let’s flash to Kara — she called him vulnerable and raw, you see. And even when silent, its still so obvious why she is and always will be dubbed Shit-For-Brains.

I still think Casey and Crystal could be the Final 2 — unless he is shock eliminated tonight like the knotted-hair sleaze of Season 5, Constantine Maroulis. Crystal goes to the center alongside Aaron. They will obviously be the first ones called to safety. Actually, Ryan first sends Siobhan to the Bottom 3.

Of course Siobhan will be the first one sent to the sofa of this trio, and in a way, I’m kind of sad. Casey James should be garnering more votes from those batshit crazy menopausal women. Much more so over Lee DeWyze, who is incapable of singing in tune. He’s actually conventionally handsome, too! But if we’ve learned anything from Idol, put a toad up on stage and the crazies swarm like vultures [to a super hot corpse].

Ok, color me strangely excited, but Harry Connick, Jr. as a mentor? Sinatra songs? Yay. To think, it was this time last year, I attended the Top 5 rehearsal for Standards Week.

Carrie Underwood. Put a muzzle on it. One just wonders why you’re so chatty… And who the frak brought the emo vampire country group? Jesus christ. Who brought Zombie Tiny Tim?

Perhaps I would like this group if I heard them before actually SEEING them? I hope they are successful enough to buy collectors’ editions of the Twilight series whenever the mood strikes.

After the commercial, those Lady Antebellum people show up. They are also trying to look a bit like emo vampires, but emo vampires on Snooki’s tanning regimen. Or maybe emo vampire peacocks. Their song isn’t bad, but they still remind me of The Corrs. And the lead singer dude might be attempting to connect with his music a bit too much.

And it is time to fast forward once again, to the part which makes absolutely no sense. Shakira. And Rascal Flatts. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shakira. In fact, I firmly believe its nearly impossible to hate Shakira. Shakira is all about the fusing of genres, but this is just a bit odd. As she sing Gypsy, she is flanked on either side by a barefoot solo flamenco dancer. She is also totally doing her Tracy Anderson arm exercises. It was almost okay, really, until that douchebag wannabe stout lesbian came back out. Did he even…sing?

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. WTF? No, really…WTF? BIG MIKE IS SAFE? Jesus fuck. If Casey goes home, Kara is going to try and recapture Paula’s famous crying-for-Constantine moment!

But in all actuality, Casey does not deserve to be in the Bottom 2. He was this week’s top contestant, turning in the most arguably “memorable” performance of the entire show. Jesus fuck. Why do those old women love Lee DeWyze so damn much? Casey James needs more frauen!

A construction worker and a glass blower…

Ugh…YAY! Ok. I’m sorry, VFTW. You know I love you, but…it’s rather awesome to see her go. Maybe because oh, she screeched too damn much. Oh, and, IT’S A GIRL’S YEAR. And maybe I’m going soft and just wanted Casey James to not become Constantine Maroulis 2.0, at least not this week. But no, for reals…Siobhan is gone? And Mike Lynche is safe?

Sorry Siobhan’s family. Catch ya this summer down on the Cape. Don’t look so shocked. Every week, you know, they send someone home.

Plus, Casey James’ momma is so much more entertaining. Even her eyelashes are tipped in glitter!

To Siobhan’s credit, she looks like someone I would enjoy hanging out with on occasion and she looked beautiful tonight. Gorgeous dress, great hair. But hey, she screeches.

Lee DeWyze is not a happy camper. But you guys still have the TOUR! You can shack up on a cozy bus all summer long!

I’m actually kind of in love with Siobhan’s dress. It’s her best dress since that Marc Jacobs-y little black number from the semifinals. Yeah…I’m talking about fashion more than singing this season, aren’t I?

(And just how many little sisters does she have? ) Siobhan says goodbye by bringing back Think. We also saw a closeup of her sister’s breast Vote for Siobhan pin. Obviously, there’s only one way for Siobhan to say adieu.

This is the most drawn-out contestant goodbye of all time. Since when do they let them come down to the judges’ table and HUG? Is it over yet?

Finally. Do you agree with tonight’s elimination or suspect TBTB are just trying to shake things up on Idol’s worst season ever? Do you think Lee and Siobhan are rubbing uglies? Actually. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to hear any of that shipping nonsense. And are you kind of, just a teensy little bit, looking forward to next week with Harry Connick, Jr. and Frank Sinatra’s ghost? Will Lee DeWyze turn Lady is a Tramp into one of Hinder or Nickelback’s finest?

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Alas. Shit happens. And sadly, tonight’s pimp spot goes to this season’s resident screecher, Siobhan Magnus. But I guess if you’re doing a night where Shania Twain provides the songbook & mentoring duties, its going to have to be when there’s only six contestants left, as you might only be able to name six Shania Twain songs if asked. Although I will admit a couple of things — I totally owned The Woman In Me and I watched the Biography on Shania Twain a couple of years back and after those two hours, I had a new found respect and admiration for the determined Canadian gal who got to where she is by actually working very, very, very hard and supporting her siblings along the way.

Shania is gorgeous. Still is. So it pains me that she appears to be trying for a Jackie Collins sort of look. And hey, I love Jackie and worship her sister Joan Collins, but you know, Shania…I thought the ridiculous crushed velvet and sequins were left firmly where they belong in 1998.

Lee DeWyze
Still The One

Lee gets an automatic 50-point deduction for choosing Twain’s worst song. Still The One is the staple of every horrible wedding you’ve ever been to. It’s the staple first dance of anyone who gets married and lacks a personality or soul. It’s a grating song, so its not like soulless people getting married ruined it, a la Etta James’ At Last, but Still The One screams David’s Bridal bridesmaid gowns awash in pukey soulless-lavender pathos as their wearers get teary eyed because not only are their dresses and updos too tight, but their friend is getting married and they are not. So they toss back yet another white zinfindel in that nondescript function hall somewhere off Highway K in St. Charles, MO.

If you’re still reading and I haven’t offended you because I described your wedding reception, let’s check out the rest. Lee DeWyze is David Cook lite with an odd, Danny Gokey twist. Perhaps its the looks or the register? While Lee entertains me every week because he always looks miserable and as if he is about to blow chunks, there has been nary a shred of evidence leading one to believe this guy could be a huge star. Lee’s performances are nearly always pitchy. When he goes for that gutteral sound, it almost seems a bit forced, and he tends to spin out of control into goat vibrato territory before recovering. It’s not terrible, as in some ways, its an improvement over a horrible song, but does it reach out and grab you?

David Cook may not be much different from any generic pop-rock singer out there, only time will tell. But its odd when I listen to Lee and think to myself, what would this sound like if David Cook sang it? Randy kicks things off by telling Lee Still The One is one of his all-time favorite songs. Why oh why does this not surprise me? In Randy’s world, an obscure artist is Lisa Lisa (and the Cult Jam). Randy also gets to say pitchy, and then tell Lee that he made it his own. Ellen digs him and tells him he couldn’t look cuter because this just enhances her friendly-lesbian cred across the U. S. of A. Kara DioGuardi tries to create a moment for herself by referencing just how far we’ve come, and once again, Simon simply dials it him by offering him any opinion of real substance.

Michael Lynche
It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing

Big Mike is a technically-gifted performer, so its difficult not to just wish he would do something genius. But he’s also a bit of a cheeseball, a friendly chap, no doubt, but somewhat hammy and given his Idol performances, a bit lackluster when it comes to displaying any definitive sign of originality. Shania sort of tells him the same thing, but…in her nice little Shania way, of course.

I’m not familiar with the song, but it fits Big Mike quite well. It fits nicely with his R&B tendencies, and I don’t totally hate it. But there’s just always something missing? And that something missing cannot be cured by a nearly spot-on falsetto. (Yo. Who is Shania’s blond friend?) Randy, naturally, because he likes putting people in boxes, thinks Lynche has found his vibe or something. Big Mike reminds Ellen of Luther Vandross, causing me to wonder whether or not anyone ever tells a white guy he reminds them of Luther Vandross…of course, I was thinking he was a big Vandrosstic during his performance. Kara utters out some scripted shit about Shania connecting with the music, still trying for her moment. Simon thinks he was wet. And girlish or something. Simon associates wet with girly. I could go there, but…

Shania cried a little big when Big Mike sang. It is interesting to note Lynche’s vocals seem to have garnered enthusiasm from several of this year’s mentors, including Twain and Adam Lambert.

Casey James
Don’t

Another song I’m not quite familiar with, but Casey admits he didn’t show anyone anything new last week. I don’t know if this is different per se, and it gets a little goat-like here and there, but it may be the most distinct and genuinely moving performance thus far. I feels a bit heartfelt, in fact. It was…good! Give Casey James more songs about breakups. And then release some of that body from his flaxen locks o’ Texas.

Randy says he has something new in his wheelhouse. Randy got that word from his word-of-the-day desktop calendar last fall. Randy thinks it was his best performance so far.

Artists don’t hide the good, the bad, the ugly. They show it all.

Kara. Shut up. Quit trying to make fetch happen! Jesus christ, can you imagine spending an evening in a contained space with Tyra Banks and Kara DioGuardi? That just crossed my mind for whatever reason, anyway…Simon agrees with Randy about it being Casey’s best performance. He even tells Casey to go down and kiss Shania. That’s my boy, Simon. Turn the knife a little deeper in the back of the bitch sitting next to you. PAULA SITS THERE DAMMIT.

Crystal Bowersox
No One Needs To Know

Crystal has been a fan of Shania since childhood, which is really not shocking, given Shania’s astounding success and songwriting/guitar-strumming prowess. Obviously, Crystal had Shania sign her guitar, most likely with one of those XXXXXXXL Sharpies over Miley Cyrus’ signature. Its safe to assume Crystal has a very diverse musical taste, given that she’s an actual musician. Of course, only two of the remaining contestants have not played instruments on the show, so I guess the others might be kind of musician-like, too.

Crystal is wearing a mini-dress, which leads me to believe Idol is trying to sex Crystal up. Seacrest is kind of douchey and references Shania’s big shiny white teeth to Crystal when she speaks highly about her glowing aura. I would like to believe Seacrest is a douche, but I think he just might say things without thinking. We also learn Crystal has a boyfriend she wants to man-up and give her a ring one day. Oh honey, as long as you don’t wear David’s Bridal.

Shania is big on getting the contestants to think about how the song applies to their lives. This makes me like Shania a little bit more, as this is the single most important element in any sort of performance.

Crystal’s take one of Shania’s fluffiest of hits is cutesy in its own little Crystal Bowersox way. Flanked by four musicians, she also benefits from not having the atrocious backup singers. The judges think she’s good, but…its not their favorite performance. Crystal talks over Kara, which I would typically advocate, but it kind of rubs me kind of the wrong way because she describes her other performances as being big and that this one was not. Bigger isn’t always bigger. Sure, I wholeheartedly agree with her, but you know…hell, I don’t know. Are they tearing her down a bit to “shake up” the competition? Simon says she has a lack of conviction this week and talks about a coffee shop. Yeah. I think that’s what they’re trying to do, make Crystal seem semi-vulnerable. Yawn. Damn. My lack of Tivo made it impossible for me to get a decent shot of her boyfriend’s t-shirt which may be one of the most subtly witty and endearing calls to action I have ever witnessed in the Idol studio audience.

Aaron Kelly
It’s In The Way

The longer Aaron survives in the competition, the more everyone hates him. This makes me feel bad for Aaron for whatever reason, because no matter how trite his song choices may be, or how amusing it his to watch him circle the microphone around his mouth while singing, I still can’t hate on this kid. It would be like kicking a defenseless puppy dog. Aaron delivers a decent vocal on a very-Aaron song. He is adept at phrasing and all that good stuff.

Randy says wheelhouse again. That desktop calendar is really expanding his horizons. Ellen talks about how its going to be really hard this week, you know, to send anyone home. Because everyone assumes Aaron will be going home, and hey, sixth place wouldn’t be a bad finish for the now-17-year-old kid. He also changed the words in the song so they wouldn’t say make love because he was dedicating it to his mom. AWWWWWW…The judges universally praise him, as to lull his fans into a false sense of security so we all wave him adieu tomorrow evening.

Siobhan Magnus
Any Man of Mine

Taking one of Shania’s biggest hits, Siobhan starts off decent, granted she’s wearing a shredded up Laura Ashley bedspread, it kind of works. Towards the middle, however, after she did some lap around the audience, Siobhan basically drives off a cliff. The arrangement is terrible and she starts going in and out of pitch. Oh. And the last 20 seconds were pure screeching. At one point, she sounded exactly like Adam Lambert, and I likely noticed this because I was typing in another window. What the hell, Siobhan? That could have been an almost-enjoyable song and then you had to screech in a song which was never meant for such vocal theatrics, regardless of how you arrange it. What was the point? Because you could? And then when she recovers, still looking like a crazed medieval beast who just pillaged your serfdom and feasted on your babies, she launches into yet MORE vocal gymnastics. I half expect her head to spin around as she spews projectile green vomit upon the backup singers, the judges and Seacrest.

Randy thinks its awesome. Because Randy would think such a cacophony of village ravaging is as awesome as Journey, Gladys Knight and Mariah all rolled up into one. Especially because she’s dressed all punk-country.

Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.

Ellen, that was stupid. But I kind of smiled. I have no idea why, but I did.

GUESS WHO’S BACK???

Kara, why can’t the spirits from the Indian burial ground underneath your house trap you in the static of my TV forever?

Oh, Siobhan, I am trying so damn hard to like you. I want to, I really, really do. Can’t you just stop screeching? Hey, at least Simon mentioned it. Someone needed to, because really, sweetheart. It was that bad.

Bottom 3? Might be tough this week, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say:

Lee DeWyze
Michael Lynche
Aaron Kelly

Going home? Aaron or Big Mike. Neither one of them were bad, but only 6 contestants remain. Of course, Casey James’ wavy hair could signal the end of days for him, too — keeping up with the tradition of Idol’s resident long-haired skeeve Constantine Maroulis. Hey, I said he should have laid off on scrunching his natural curls.

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American Idol contestants Lee DeWyze, Michael Lynche and Siobhan Magnus went and got new tattoos this weekend. And then they went to watch the new Shrek Forever After movie, which is probably in 3D, because everything is in 3D now.

See Lee’s new tattoo, which our good friend Frances says looks like “the beginnings of something John Mayer had inked.” And speaking of Lee (and Frances!) one of her buddies saw him the other night. At the Hole concert…which kind of intrigues me. Frances really should have been there, because Lee DeWyze should just face his destiny of them being soul mates in passionate hatred with one another.

As per usual, Lee DeWyze looks like he would rather be somewhere else.

And since the Idols saw the new Shrek movie, expect this week to include some obnoxious promotional tie-ins. Did you also know Ryan Seacrest and his future self Larry King voice characters? I am proud to say I have never seen a Shrek movie. The only character appearing to be mildly likable is Puss In Boots (Antonio Banderas), mainly because Oskar was clearly the inspiration for his character. Come on. Michael Myers is too over-the-top these days, Cameron Diaz’s accent is way too valley girl and Eddie Murphy hasn’t been funny since he banged trannies.

I thought about seeing this one, but only because I could…LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF JON HAMM! Yup. That’s right. Jon Hamm plays some ogre named Brogan in this Shrek Ever After shit. Not only is Jon Hamm in this one, so is Craig Robinson, Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin and Kristen Schaal. If the five of them and Puss in Boots have a bunch of scenes together, I might actually watch the final(?) movie in this please-let-it-die series. But I’ve been boycotting this crap for years. Oskar is obviously being denied profits from this massive box-office machine.

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Today, AOL’s Andy Scott and Rae Votta (wearing her lil’ black pillbox-hat-o-mourning for the fallen Tim Urban), Rickey, MTV’s Jim Cantiello and I sat down to chat about this week’s American Idol festivities. Once again, I am the giant head on the wall.

Watch the whole damn thing. We’re a fun little group, aren’t we? We also provide some astute insight into everybody’s favorite song & (sometimes) dance shit show.

For more Top Idol fix, also read Fancast’s Maura Johnston’s latest stellar American Idol analysis. Why are American Idol’s ratings down?

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Casey James
Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

Casey begins and I pause the DVR because sometimes the sound goes all funky. Wait. Or is this that Geico ad with Peter Frampton?

This week’s mentor, Alicia Keys, likes Casey. That’s about all I remember from the mentoring session. Let’s start with the positive — Casey James is likely the best guitarist to ever vie for the Idol crown. But his vocals? Uh…Dude. He sounded like Peter Frampton using a voice box at times. Casey James was Casey James, the guy playing guitar and yelling into the mic at the bar down the street. Its unimaginative. Its unoriginal. Its utterly forgettable.

The judges tell him to step it up. Because Kara DioGuardi can never let anything go, she feels the need to invoke his Jealous Guy performance from two weeks ago. Shut your trap, Shit-For-Brains. You have never had a crew of faux-guitar wielding fans cheering you on from the audience? Yeah, I thought so. You don’t even have fans. Zip it. Simon wasn’t into it, either. When Ryan asks Casey if he expected such a critique, he smiled and said, of course. Casey is learning so much from Tim Urban, the Little Engine that Could.

Casey is also still a lot taller than Seacrest.

During the commercial break, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi tell us how to be more green. I feel the sudden urge to club a few hundred baby seals and fill up the Grand Canyon with used cooking oil and deep fry 10 Billion turkeys.

Lee DeWyze
The Boxer

The Simon & Garfunkel classic is a sentimental one for me, so really dude, don’t screw it up. Oh wait. That’s a lot to ask, this is American Idol. Lee gets a bit shouty in several parts, instantly taking me back to that Hinder shit he did during the semifinals. Dude. Don’t scream the li-li-lis. It wasn’t even close to Simon. Or Garfunkel’s third cousin, but it was good in it’s own little way. The orchestra wasn’t bad. The Swaybots should be shot. Lee’s vocal works with it, appropriately gritty in most parts, but stage presence-DeWyze (groan), this guy just needs to step it up. He is coming around, but there is still something slightly awkward, something shy about him which is not translating in the endearing awkward and shy kind of way. Its too timid. It’s hard not to get the impression that he’s holding back and still might blow chunks on stage if the conditions are favorable for puking.

Lee could win this whole damn thing, as it will likely be Crystal Bowersox and him in the finale, but while watching him, it was difficult not to wonder how David Cook would do it. And its difficult not to think of Lee DeWyze as an American Idol guitar-driven-power-pop-rock retread.

Did somebody say MURDER??

Seacrest IS right. A true American Idol IS in the house. It’s CAPTAIN SULLY! Don’t even tell me you wouldn’t hump that man’s leg if you had the chance. Because I would. And so would you. Don’t even fraking deny it.

Tim Urban
Better Days

Once again, the mentor must tell Tim Urban to feel the words. Sorry, Alicia, they don’t teach you that in homeschool. It’s an excellent song choice for Tim Urban, as the Goo Goo Dolls’ John Rzeznik isn’t necessarily the strongest of singers. At times, Timmy is a little pitchy, but the song is entirely in his range. The song itself is utterly forgettable and there are no standout moments. Timmy may be in danger of going home with a third-place performance slot and many people being aghast at his staying power.

Randy thinks the Goo Goo Dolls is a great band with an amazing singer. Shocking, ain’t it? Ellen describes him as the Soup of the Day — sometimes she likes him, sometimes she doesn’t. The judges feel an overall malaise for Timmeh. Essentially, they really, really want him to go home.

Aaron Kelly
I Believe I Can Fly

Another contestant many have believe has worn out his welcome is Aaron Kelly, who has a particular knack of selecting songs done at least 6000 times on the show. One of the most trecly ballads of all time, originally sung by a man who just wanted to piss on you, one wonders what this wholesome, sweet, alternative universe teenage Edward Norton lookalike can do with it that hasn’t been done before.

Vocally, Aaron’s I Believe I Can Fly is solid. Once he breaks through his timidness, he is spot on for at least 95% of the song. Randy is right about the arrangement — it sucked. But I Believe I Can Fly always sucks, so, you know…Simon is absolutely correct in his assessment that this is nothing anyone would want to hear on the radio, but that the vocals were good. He should basically just say it was good on American Idol.

Aaron has sung this song since he was five. Oh, to peek into his iTunes library.

Siobhan Magnus
When You Believe

Oh, Siobhan. I really want to like you. Your quirky Aspberger’s way would likely endear me to you if I happened to wander into that glassblowing place you work at on Cape Cod, or if I met you while waiting in line for a port-a-potty at Burning Man. But then you sing, and you make me hate you. Because you screech. And you trade in your alleged quirkiness and originality as soon as you hit the stage. For chrissake, you’re singing a dull Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey duet from a fraking Disney cartoon. Just because you look like a goddamned cockatoo carcus stuck in the grill of a Mack truck does not mean you are an edgy ingenue. A reader once quoted Fight Club in regards to you, and its a most spot-on assessment.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Can’t we just get Captain Sully to stand up there and smile? Because I would vote for that shit. Siobhan’s vocals are fine, belting out those big notes left and right. Yawn. There is no soul. There is no emotions. And I want to fall asleep. Edward Gorey called and he wants his tattoo back. I don’t care how different your friends look from the rest of the people in the audience, you bore me to tears.

Sadly this is one of those performances where Kara DioGuardi says everything I was thinking. I hate her more on those rare occasions (like once an episode) where she makes complete sense and I actually want to high five her. Simon basically tells her those “leaves” make her look one of those Avatards who are probably already in line waiting to buy the Blu-Ray disc. After being met with essentially an across-the-board meh critique from the judges, Siobhan starts talking about how the song means so much to her and she wasn’t going to let Whitney and Mariah scare her away from doing it. Yeah, ok. Buh-bye now.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Michael Lynche
Hero

Michael Lynche is singing Nickelback. Nickelback. Yup, Nickelback. The band that makes Hoobastank look cutting edge. Big Mike thinks this song speaks to everyone, oh, and that it was also on some list of 200 songs he made in case he ever made it to American Idol. Alicia Keys, although exquisitely gorgeous with quite possibly the most beautiful skin of anyone I’ve ever seen, is sadly, a rather useless mentor. It would almost be beneficial to see longer cuts from their mentoring session?

Big Mike points at the audience a lot. Sure, his arrangement is different from the original. And he has sweaty pits. The last note is sudden, as the song never really built into much of anything. It would climb up into something, and then fall. It’s almost as if the majority of it is the chorus, but it doesn’t really get there. Was it good? It didn’t really do it for me, but it was refreshing to see this guy do something other than the cheesy lullabies.

Kara almost made sense again, however, she then went into Shit-For-Brains mode.

You don’t have the tone for that voice.

Huh? Guess it wasn’t Studio 57 enough for her. She then ends her critique with a very twat-like Sorry…ooops? Thank flying spaghetti monster. It feels so much better when I hate Kara DioGuardi.

(Commercial break. Jennifer Hudson is beautiful. Absolfuckinglutely gorgeous. That is all. Oh. And Glee should die. Thank you.)

Crystal Bowersox
People Get Ready

Crystal is the best, no doubt about it. But its a little irksome to see her in the pimp spot yet again, even if she is finally losing the safety net of her guitar. During her time with Keys, she tells her she’s just so thankful for everything in her life right now. I assume Ryan Seacrest is already claiming credit for this admission.

Crystal, who has traded in her guitar for deep cleavage and is obviously self-conscious about it, or perhaps its the lack of a guitar, as she has a difficult time not fussing with her neckline, or moving her other hand in time with the song. Yes, she is vocally perfect — she’s the most consistent performer of the bunch — until she seemingly breaks down as the song comes to a close. Literally breaks down…in tears…is Ms. Bowersox tiring of Idol? Of being the star of every Ryan Seacrest’s self-affirming Stuart Smalley stories? Did she just really like not showing cleavage? It is honestly beginning to look like this girl had no idea what she signed up for — she should have some excellent stories to tell when she’s finally out of her contract, whenever that could be. Looks like the poor thing realized she sold her soul to feed her kid.

But how cool is her mic stand? Siobhan should learn from Ms. Bowersox about the ways one can show they’re a bonafide, quasi-original snowflake in much more subtle ways.

I assume the judges will praise the frak out of her performance, but my DVR cut off, and nary an Ellen or a Randy had mentioned the crying. But hey, no one can argue it wasn’t the greatest amount of actual emotion we’ve seen infused into a performance this season.

Tonight’s performances are already forgotten, but here’s my stab at tomorrow’s Bottom 3:

Will be: Casey James, Tim Urban, Aaron Kelly
Should be: Casey James, Tim Urban, Siobhan Magnus

(Obviously, Timmy CANNOT go home. So go vote or something.)

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