Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

But hey…did you hear about David Arculeta’s father, Jeff Archuleta, getting busted at a massage parlor?

Yes. Everyone caught for soliciting a prostitute is in the wrong place at the wrong time. And come on, everyone knows what massage parlors promise happy ending. I bet he kept his hat on. You know, like in that song.

Okay…now onto So You Think You Can Dance, even though I already read some spoilers since they tape this shit a day ahead of time. Which kind of takes the magic out of it for me. Alas. Cat Deeley will still be there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked Tony & Paris. But noooooo. You people had to pimp out those dumb blond chicks with “C” names. Er…”C” and “K” names.

Why do people love this Kayla chick so much? I mean, come on. The whole “we didn’t have a lot of money and my mom couldn’t take care of me and I had no dad and my grandparents raised me” is pretty much a tired sob story at this point. In fact, I think it needs to be retired from the pantheon of sob stories, as it is almost identical to the childhood of one President Barack Obama. So really, I’m done with it. Boo hoo hoo. Plus, dead relatives are all the rage on reality talent shows these days. Kayla needs to get with the program.

Yay! Lil C is the guest judge tonight. And Cat Deeley is the ONLY WOMAN who can pull off this one shouldered red ruffle frock. NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT.

Cat Deeley, you are such a goddess.

Crazy Mary is drunk as a fraking skunk. She must have started at breakfast. This woman needs to marry Captian Morgan. I think they are already spiritual partners. Granted, I often think of myself as being in a committed relationship with the Captain, but I have accepted the fact Oh Captain, My Captain is a bisexual polygamist. Because EVERYONE loves the Captain.

Evan & Randi
Jive (Louis van Amstel)
Shake a Tail Feather (Ray Charles)

Married Randi is shown in the pre-performance interviews kissing her dog (a photograph from back home, obviously). Are they hiding her husband? Maybe he is not real. Nah, he’s probably just busy going door-to-door telling people about the third testament of Jesus Christ. (Yeah, I’m feeling all sorts of saucy tonight.) Apparently Randi calls her dog and talks to it on speaker phone, while referring to herself as Nana. I thought that was what you call your memaw. Alas. I can’t really begrudge her for any of that since I tell my awesome scruff ginger bastard cat Oskar I love him about 50x a day.

We learn Evan is a gearhead obsessed with cars. He built a car all by himself, although I want to believe his coolio bald brother helped him out, as I love his bald brother.

Louis von Beer keeps telling them about how the Jive is just FUN. And they all say Fun like, oh, 14 times. Which is an accurate number because they counted and put it on the screen.

Shake a Tail Feather will always remind me of my Parkette days, but tis another story for another day. Or never. Ok. Let’s see if this shit is fun.

Ok, I am super convinced Randi hunches her back more often than not after watching a few moments of this jive routine. She does not just give cutesy hunchback. This dance is cute. Maybe fun, I don’t know. I’m not dancing, but I can’t see the judges blowing their wads over it, especially since these two are going first and Randi-with-an-i is not one of their pre-ordained perioxide blondes. I actually don’t mind Randi.

Ass grabbing is fun.

But its so cute when Cat Deeley calls it tush grabbing and says cheeky. Because British people say cheeky better than anyone else.

Lil C thinks Evan needs to bust out. But that it was solid. And Randi-with-an-i was solid. Crazy Mary is halfway through her first on-the-air beverage and says it is fun. But she starts yelling about them being built for the jive, but says it felt short. Seriously. The problem with going first on SYTYCD is not the main issue. The problem is that Crazy Mary isn’t nearly drunk enough to start talking about her hot tamale train, so its about more than just being memorable when people start voting.

1980s British Hair says some useful stuff about Evan’s leg positioning and says Randi was better than Evan. But then calls them tremendous as a couple. They want them to stick around for awhile. At least a few more weeks.

Oh Jesus fraking Christ. While fast forwarding on my DVR, I have discovered some horrible, horrible dating reality show premiering this summer called More To Love. Its obvious some fat chick vs. thin bitch dating show. From the creator of The Bachelor. And this is the time when I once again think TV needs to die.

Crap. I’m being such a loquacious bitch this evening. And we’re only one dance in!

Melissa & Ade
Jazz (Sonya Tayeh)
24 Hours (The Ashton Shuffle A-Bomb Remix) (Terry Poison)

I love these two, mainly because Melissa rocks and is 29 and because Ade wears that fraking pick whenever he’s not on stage. I would almost be willing to make a tard sign that said PICK ADE. Almost, but not quite. But hey, I am putting the idea out there if anyone wants to take it. Just send me a photo.

We learn Melissa is married and has a bunch of brothers, or something along those lines. I just love Ade’s Pick. It’s a deep love, too. I haven’t felt this way since at least April. In fact, if Ade’s Pick and Quatto The Mole were to both ask for my hand in marriage, I would not know what to do. I would run into the fields behind my manor house in lovelorn indecision. It would be like my very own Jane Austen novel.

We also learn Ade’s real name is Adetokunbo Isaac Kayode Obayomi. I want to go to Ade’s house and just answer his phone whenever a telemarketer calls. I mean, I also want to go over there so I can hang out with Ade’s Pick, but answering telemarketer calls would be an added bonus.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I am doubling over in unmitigated joy! Not only do we have Ade, Ade’s Pick and Melissa doing a jazz routine, but it is being choreographed by MOHAWK SONYA. I LOVE MOHAWK SONYA. And when Sonya asks to wear Ade’s Pick, I got misty eyed. Now Cat Deeley just needs to make a surprise visit in the studio and all will be right with the world. The Iran election crisis will be solved! Passangers from Air France 447 will be found on some island. Prop 8 will be repealed. Racism. Hunger. All of it. Poof.

Alas, a gal can dream. But I love how Sonya’s routines typically involve the girl jumping on the guy’s back. I love it. Plus, Ms. Tayeh was the one who introduced me to Mirah’s The Garden last season. This routine even BEGINS with Melissa on Ade’s back. These two are good with one another. Their movements are in sync. I kind of dig the costumes. They make me want to go to some seedy club and do E or something. Or buy vinyl leggings from American Apparel.

Cat Deeley calls them naughty rock & roll imps up to no good. I love her. And then they all do a three-way tummy touch/body slam. I LOVE YOU CAT DEELEY.

Lil C predicts Ade is really everybody’s competition. YES! I love Ade. And not just because he is my key to Ade’s Pick. Crazy Mary tries to fake them out with some criticism, but we all know this just means she’s finally getting her drink on. The SYTYCD Drink Refiller came by during Melissa & Ade’s number. She even yells a bit, maybe says banana?

Nigel thinks Mohawk Sonya’s work is out there, but how it works well for them to show themselves off as dancers. He also noticed the equality of strength in both Melissa & Ade, as I remarked about a few paragraphs up. So score one for me this round.

Caitlin & Jason
Hip Hop (Shane Sparks)
Missing You (Trey Songz)

Jason loves Michael Jackson. Ah yes, one of those. He is lucky his mom didn’t sell him out when he was dressing up like MJ like a little boy. Caitlin makes me loathe her more because she makes baby and raptor noises. Ok. It is time to get rid of this Caitlin Twit. Jason needs to drop that boring bimbo baggage. He schooled her ass in Bollywood last week.

And once again, side by side, it is so obvious Jason is the superior dancer. In terms of definition and strength, she just cannot sync up to his moves. Next to him, it just looks as if she is going through the motions. Her movements almost appear lazy in comparison to Jason’s strength and skill as a dancer. And her lame little solo? Could totally have done that. Yawn. Once again, Jason outdances her. (And yes, I still believe her sister should have made it here over her.)

Lil C says they love Jason, but he did not love that. He is perplexed. He calls it a nightmare. And that it came out corny. It was missing nectar.

And speaking of NECTAR! It’s time to bring Crazy Mary her next drink! She compares them to Michael Jackson and Britney Spears, which should please Jason, because he loves MJ. She basically hated this, well, obviously. No Hot Tamale Train until she has at least 2 more drinks. And from where I’m sitting, it looks like Crazy Mary needs her refill STAT. (Oh, and Nigel didn’t like it either. I think Caitlin should burn that damn hat.)

Someone commented that disco is the assignment for dancers they want to boot. Which pisses me off, because I still don’t understand why Brandon Bryant just can’t get any love.

Jeanette & Brandon
Disco
Loving Is Really My Game (Brainstorm)

Jeanette had a bunch of teeth when she was a child. I had that same problem. Seriously. I had fangs. If you come over to my parents’ house, one of the first things my mother will ask you is if you want to see the dental impression they took before I got braces. I like Jeanette. And I like Brandon. But apparently, TBTB started listening to Mia Michaels and decided they didn’t like Brandon. And Jeanette is brunette, so you know, she’s totally screwed. They filled the tallented brunette girl quota last year with Courtney & Katee.

I think they’re kind of rocking it. Can you say rocking it when its disco? That over-the-head split shit was out of control, as were the mild gymnastics. And here is a couple who moves together, not like Caitlin and Jason, where the former is always looking like she can’t keep up with him. I thought it was damn good. And I’m just happy Shit For Brains DioGuardi wasn’t there because she would have said it was all like Studio 57 in the house.

Cat Deeley is just awesome. She is so supportive of the contestants! She cares! She loves them! Lil C thinks he just saw progression in two amazing dancers. He even tells Brandon he did a phenomenal job. He noticed a mishap, yeah…I think I saw that, too. Good thing they did the recap. But she didn’t break character at all! And that’s what you do. They taught me that in Parkettes.

Crazy Mary’s drink is like, completely empty. Which is why she’s already yelling, even though she liked their routine and everything. But as we all know, Crazy Mary needs another drink. I know, honey, I know. Bring mama her cocktail.

And she elicits her first big WHOOOOOOOOOOOO  of the night. She is on her feet. Now why hasn’t she declared them on the Hot Tamale Train? HOT TAMALE TRAIN, why am I still waiting at the station? Guess she still needs at least 2 more cocktails before anyone gets on that train. (Trivia: Choreographer Dorianna was in Dirty Dancing) Nigel wishes him luck tomorrow, when they work out that Mia Michaels routine.

And until tomorrow…sorry, got caught up in nonsense this evening, I promise you the second half by showtime tomorrow. And now I bid you adieu, laku noć, and goodnight.

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Spoilers are here! I’m not going to post the judge’s comments so people can avoid being biased while watching the show tomorrow. If you want to know how well a couple did, there are a bunch of boards you can visit, namely IDF and TWoP.

Evan and Randi – jive by Louis van Amstel
Ade and Melissa – jazz by Sonya Tayeh
Jason and Caitlin – hip hop by Shane Sparks
Brandon and Janette – disco
Vitolio and Asuka – waltz by Louis van Amstel
Max and Kayla – pop jazz by Brian Friedman
Jonathan and Karla – contemporary by Stacey Tookey
Philip and Jeanine – (american?)tango by Tony Meredith
Kupono and Ashley – hip hop by Shane Sparks

Wait! I can find out the judges’ comments? I don’t know if I want to, though. It’s more fun to see Crazy Mary Murphy scream on my TV. That shit can’t translate well to my computer.

And my apologies for the lack of posts lately! I would have posted a recap from last week’s SYTYCD results show, but I spoiled it for myself when I got home on Thursday night and never watched it. Mainly because I was pissed they booted that couple I liked. I’ve also been really busy with work and frankly, some of this Idol (fan) nonsense hasn’t been too much fun over the past couple of days.

And I PROMISE to post MM’s awesome recap of the Idol Finale which I’ve been sitting on for sometime. Because I suck. But I promise it is AWESOME and well worth the wait.

Happy Wednesday! (Or as I like to say — HAPPY CAT DEELEY DAY!!!)

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