Sara Barielles, I mean Tripster The Hipster Brittany Zika, but she LOVES Sara Barialles. (How the hell do I spell that?) Brittany is a nanny/SOCIAL MEDIA TECH. Wow. Never heard that one before. Is she a ninja? A guru? A rockstar? Tripster Hipster sings a Brandi Carisle song and truth be told, she has one of the more interesting voices I’ve heard all season. She is even a bit reminiscent of Season 9′s Megan Joy — who totally became a wearer of bird things! Zoinks!

Then Brittany Zika’s mom may have done the splits. But it might not be her mom and maybe just editing. In any case, a stout middle-aged woman proudly and ably did the splits.

Since we’re in Portland, there will likely be many would-be comedians with ironic Tumblrs angling for air time.  Maybe this is one of them. This guy is sick. Like, he’s been sick since Tuesday. He also “sells cable TV on the street.” Ben Purdom is 18 and sort of looks like a non-deformed gay Rocky Dennis. It’s almost too obvious when he says he will be singing Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. And he does in some gargling falsetto. And then he does Nicki Minaj’s Superbass and the judges think its better but still terrible. It might be terrible, but so are Randy Jackson’s Dalmatian glasses. Seacrest muses what his voice would have sounded like had he not been sick — then his audition is sped up Chipmunk-style and well, you know how it goes. On American Idol, the fat ones, the gay ones, and the foreign ones who can’t really sing are “fair game.”

Jermaine Jones is 6’8″ and has an adorable mother. Jermaine is rather nervous and his beard needs a trim, but I’m a sucker for sweet black men with adorable moms on this show. And I don’t even care much for the music of Luther Vandross.

On Day 2, Jennifer Lopez can’t find her black tights. Maybe her backup dancer is wearing them. Young male backup dancers : aging pop divas :: 90s supermodels : aging rock stars. Just throwing that out there. The first contestant we meet already looks to be ripe for some TopIdol hating…

Blond. (check)

Blond young mother. (Check)

Entire entourage wearing I HEART BRITNEE shirts. Check.

Obnoxious-erroneous spelling of an already white trash name. CHECK.

Seriously, am I gonna have to do a pie chart on how many girls named some variation of BRITTANY go to Hollywood? Britnee Kellog comes in and announces all teary-eyed she is 27, has two sons, and their father played basketball so she let him pursue his dreams but then he started sleeping with other women. She then sings the woman-been-done-wrong anthem You’re No Good and her voice is kind of fun and husky and so she sort of redeems herself, but her sob story schtick was a bit over-the-top for just walking into a room and meeting 3 household-name people whom you’ve never met and then those damn t-shirted people come in. Yikes. Get this one out of here.

Sam Gershman is probably a dance teacher because she has everyone doing the Electric Slide or Zumba in the holding tank. She is frighteningly perky and energetic. She has big breasts. Randy thinks her last name is Gershwin but then no one laughs when she says funny, her dad is named Ira — punctuated by cricket sound effects, of course. They could have chuckled, right? Sooooo…you pretty much know she’s gonna suck on some level even if you didn’t see her doing some sort of dramatic reading in a before-the-break preview.

Ms. Gershman doesn’t really suck. She’s just VERY musical theater. Steven thinks she would make a good Easter Bunny (huh) and she reminds him she is Jewish, but he says that’s no big deal. They tell her no and for about 2 seconds, I’m almost appreciative of JLo being somewhat nice in her dismissal.

David Weed says he’s a fast food employee. He is balding, and wears glasses and argyle. He sings Rush’s Tom Sawyer. I sort of adore him just for that, because there have been times where I smoke weed and sing Tom Sawyer, mainly so I can garble something that I think is the chorus followed by do-da-do-da-do-da-doo-dooo-dooo. I’ve done this ever since I was a senior in high school and this guy we’ll call Steven B. asked me if I wanted to skip class and do “resin bong hits” and then pulled a big red Graffix out of the back seat as we pulled away from the school parking lot while Rush played. Hey, don’t judge. This was after my college applications had all been filed, mmm-kay? Anyway, Randy Jackson basically tells David Weed he sounds nothing like Geddy Lee. David wants to be a standup comedian but I don’t think anyone finds him funny. Don’t you guys get it? THAT WAS HIS ACT.

WHATEVS. I’m a fan of David Weed.

Romeo Daihn was born in Liberia and spent part of his life in a refugee camp before coming to the U.S. in 2001. We already know Romeo is good because we go off-site and get back story. Romeo is Daihn is absolutely adorable and sings Bob Marley’s Is This Love. I don’t know how much farther he could get other than Hollywood Week because his voice is very distinct. But Romeo’s smile makes me smile — as does HIS tiny entourage of one girl two giants!

Naomi Gillies must be the designated I’m-ga-ga-for-Steven-Tyler girl because she wants to sing one of his songs. Pause. Okay. It’s not the Armageddon one. Naomi is a student from BOSTON! And she kind of looks like a white-white-girl Rashida Jones. Also very cool. Some notes were maybe a bit off and while she’s nothing you’ve never heard before, there’s something quite skilled and likeable about this one. Unanimous yes.

PARADE OF BAD PEOPLE

No go for the Candy Raver Purple Rainbow Unicorn Princess…or the one who looks like he just got a fresh bit of forehead acne out of nervousness which may have been because he just finished a big debate meet before auditioning…sad Filipino girl…some cartwheeling girl in gold leggings…

I strongly suspect a few of the aforementioned actually WERE good — just not what “the judges were looking for.” Lots of tears. And camera blocking. Sads.

Manchild Ben Harrison is sort of like a Human Whipit. (Perhaps Demi Moore can inhale him from a big manchild-sized balloon?) Ben laments he gets hired as a frontman but often gets fired because he’s too baby-faced and inexperienced. He then belts out Queen’s Somebody To Love. Not quite Freddie Mercury. BUT AT LEAST HIS FAMILY AND HIM ARE GOING TO GET PIZZA. (The would-be comedian is strong in this one…)

RYAN: When we return, one more audition that will leave the judges stunned…

GIRL: When he woke up…he didn’t know who I was.

JLO: Wow.

Oh here we go. Bright side? It’s ALMOST OVER.

For Jessica Phillips this is more than a single dream, it’s a step towards a miracle. You know what’s weird? When I hear Jessica’s story, I feel much more sympathy for her than I ever did um, a couple of those previous male contestants with dead or comatose wives/girlfriends. Perhaps its because when Jessica talks about D’Angelo, she just sounds…a bit more sincere. D’Angelo randomly had a stroke in April 2010. He’s had to learn how to talk again and he can talk, albeit slow. But he’s present, ya know? And this was footage they shot AT HOME. Jessica didn’t wheel the guy in with a feeding tube.

Singing Faith Evans, Jessica has a completely competent contemporary female R&B voice, with an ability for quickness which lends itself to maybe…something more. Maybe she’s just not a one-note “diva” — although if she actually did make it past Hollywood Week, you know exactly how she would be pigeonholed.

Some other people made it, apparently a bunch of people that were never shown. I swear one girl was wearing a wedding dress (a mini-wedding dress but STILL) and another one looked just like that Robert Pattinson kid. Oh. And I actually almost got misty eyed when Jessica and D’Angelo hugged outside the audition room once she got her golden ticket. IDOL YOU MANIPULATIVE BASTARD.

Ok. So who else can’t wait until Hollywood Week — aka THE BEST WEEK OF THE ENTIRE AMERICAN IDOL SEASON? Also: If you feel like commenting, I encourage you to do so. I just installed Disqus (working with it on another project and wanted to test-drive it here, especially because you can use a variety of accounts with it) so let me know what you think.

One more thing: Since it is February 1, the first day of Black History Month, I really wanted to call this post PORTLANDIA CALRISSIAN. But I did not. Yet I still typed it.

Spread the word. Do it.

Jenny Schick 
Funny this one’s last name is Shick. When I was 3, I couldn’t say my T’s really well so I used to announce if something smelled — Somebody schick in their pants. True story. Likely because when I was a wee infant, my father used to play with me, all smiley and in a baby voice, Say bullshit. Sayyyyy bullshit. This is probably the only time my parents ever used a baby voice on me and for this I am thankful. Anyhoo, enough with the walk down my memory lane. Jenny is an elementary school music teacher who says the worst part of her job is the RECORDER. Remember your recorder? Made by Yamaha? In the brown & beige plastic envelope? The precursor to learning how to play a woodwind. Horrible, horrible, Hot Cross Buns. But always secretly dreamed of forming a band solely of water glasses, spoons, cow bell, and a recorder so we could be like, an even more awful but universally-revered version of Manheim Steamroller.

Already sensing Jenny is going to be ogled by Steven Tyler. She’s got the look. Kind of like Mary Carey but without the huge boobs. BOOM! Jenny admits to being nervous about singing in front of…STEVEN TYLER. Jenny wants to kiss both Steven Tyler and Lady Gaga, as well as Adam Levine (They showed him? But THE VOICE?!) Jenny’s boyfriend won’t be jealous because he wants to kiss Adam Levine, Lady Gaga, and Ryan Seacrest.

Jenny sings Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker, which is decent-good but not earth-shattering, which means its about 100,000x better than Jennifer Lopez doing anything without autotune. Jenny Schick gets to go to Hollywood and kiss Steven Tyler. Her mother? friend? also kind of looks like Steven Tyler from a couple of angles, which is weird, but not weird enough to write home about. Hell, last night I discovered I looked like Steven Tyler on the grainy b&w “photo” on the back of my Costco card. (I go to Costco 2x a year, mainly to buy gratuitous amounts of powdered drink mix for the bar at my Burning Man cap. Don’t judge me even if I’m judging me, dammit.)

Curtis Gray
This show is soooo boring, they actually do a package segment on waking up early and being really tired. I guess this is done to introduce this one sort of scruffy-lacrosse-hair, poor-man’s Edward Burns-looking dude who has gotta be from New England given the fact he says he’s wicked tired and ends a couple of -er words with the patented -a.

Curtis purports to be from Spring Hill, FL. Nonsense. He just lives there to play golf when he’s not waiting tables. That guy’s accent is all Boston. Curtis sings Boyz II Men and its soulful enough to give him a golden ticket because people just love it when white guys sing like black guys, i.e., they are soulful, like how educated black men are well-spoken. And tell me the last time you heard a tall white woman 50 or older referred to as regal. Exactly.

Richie Law
Holy f**king Scotty McCreery no. Come on, kiddo, sing the baby lock dem doors!

Devan Jones
Good thing Devan did not do country. That would have confused the judges.

Mathenee Treco
OMG. I want to just watch you and Jacob Lusk sing things in my living room.

Tealana Hedgespeth
There have been times in my life where the self-esteem was low and hell, there was that one four-year period where I dated that complete loser, but I think I always knew that when the time comes to sell yourself, be it in a job interview or when meeting new people, self-depreciation only works if you know what you’re doing. Don’t ever tell people what your name is then suggest they call you DOG. And if asked where you live, don’t say in the shadow of your twin sister.

Oh man. I must be slipping. Twitter friends just informed me this was because you know, how Randy calls everyone DAWG. But the way she said it, and after all that woe-is-me-because-everyone-loves-my-sister stuff, you can see where it was easy to get confused. Do you feel me…dawgs? But I sort of like Tealana because she wears big glasses and a nose ring and makes money as a color guard coach. A former flag girl, I take care of my own. Even if she’s not very good, but its really one of those cases you feel bad about because someone once did tell her she was good AND when she hears herself sing, she thinks she’s good. And this always makes me sad.

Haley Smith
Last week, we had Tent Girl and this week, we have Log Cabin Girl. Haley is all I live in a log cabin in the middle of the woods but in actuality, its a two-story with a fair amount of landscaping. It’s not as bad as JLo claiming to be all “from the block” but its in the same ballpark. But Haley is kind of a hippie and she’s a vegetarian who works making sausage — and bussing tables. And cleaning tables. SHE IS A SOULFUL HIPPIE WHITE GIRL WHO SINGS CHAKA KAHN A LA JONI MITCHELL. The judges lavish her with effusive praise for being true to herself. And then Carole King plays in the background. But we like Haley. Even if this might be the longest show ever.

Alanna Snare
Since we’re in Aspen, can’t not talk about Rocky Mountain Oysters aka Bull’s Testicles. Alanna Snare (what’s up with these names tonight?!) sounds like bull’s testes.

Shelby Tweten
Oh this one is the bipolar girl — aren’t you sort of shocked this has never been a previous contestant’s back story? Good for you, Shelby. Can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and how difficult it is to stay on your meds. Now please do not sing Carrie Underwood. Shelby’s voice is pleasant enough but its not enough to distract me from the ramiken of queso I’ve prepared after a long day. Meanwhile, since Shelby is bipolar, JLo knows this is when to bust out the big guns, i.e., crocodile tears. I can’t believe they let this woman act…in movies?! Can you? Okay…I mean it wasn’t much more than Maid in Manhattan but she did get a starring role in a Lasse Halstrom movie. But then she did Gigli. And her “comeback” was a sperm donor movie. And soon she’s going to be part of the ensemble in the film adaptation (I know? RIGHT?) of What To Expect When You’re Expecting which is a movie they should probably only show in North Korean prisons.

(And in case you did not notice, La Lopez then ANNOUNCED she had tears in her eyes.)

(FINALLY) MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS
Some guy screaming Superman. Another girl quasi-beat-boxing Stand By Me…another guy who just wanted to get on TV for sucking. I’m happy for him. And the others.

Jairon Jackson
Either this guy is going to be humiliated (he’s doing an original) or he’s going to be the second-coming. You know how it goes. You know how this show is edited. Jairon’s original track is actually as good as any similar pop tune out there today.

He’s a lover.

Oh shut the hell up, JLo. Between that and you sumising Haley Smith would feel more comfortable with her guitar, you’re just a regular MISS F**KING CLEO. But Jairon is going to Hollywood. Also: his family looks fun. And: he breaks a light on the way out the door.

Angie Zeiderman
Theater girl dies her hair purple and wears some crazy clothes with some irridescent eye creme and wants to open for Lady Gaga. Randy does not like showtunes and JLo does. Angie already kind of annoys me because she thinks she is a beautiful and unique snowflake when she is the same decaying organic matter as everything else. In the end everyone loves her. JLo claims its because she’s so sparkling and bubbly and showtuney but its really because she poses no threat to JLo’s JLo-ness.

Magic Cyclops
So this is what we’ve been waiting for? I almost thought this was Constantine Maroulis in a weave and some of his Rock of Ages costumes until he busts out an over-the-top fake Brit accent and then I realize he’s an air guitar enthusiast looking doing a Russell Brand imitation — Constantine Maroulis doesn’t have that sort of creative drive, even though I had no idea anyone was doing Russell Brand imitations these days.

Magic Cyclops sings Neil Diamond and Jimmy (er, James?) Buffet and pulls out a confetti popper, subsequently causing JLo to say f**k. Then everyone leaves. Congrats, MC. You did what you came to do. I might even follow you on Twitter for a little while.

Who else was bored to tears? Did anyone else find it kind of sad Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks’ photos are hidden behind the door on the way out of the audition room? And why are we still watching when the Top 26 have already been revealed? Next week, American Idol travels to Houston — Space Capital USA, which is likely just an excuse to do a montage of a whole lotta people singing Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. And while this song should be retired from the Idol cannon forever, you know its gotta make Ms. Lopez a wee bit uncomfortable so I’m all for it.

Spread the word. Do it.

I totally ordered Pad See Ewwwwww in honor of tonight’s momentous occasion. And I just felt that was rather appropriate given fact my evening plans. Tonight, the 11th season of American Idol begins. In Savannah. And with all this emphasis on how all these auditioners have been watching the show since they were under the age of 10, well, you know what they’re aiming for. Someone young! And hopefully, someone young who does not require a jock strap or cup when engaging in athletic endeavors.

Of course, the chances of a girl winning this year? Exactly. What are the odds Steven Tyler will stop Single White Female-ing Eddy & Patsy? Not good, but better than a girl winning American Idol.

Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there?

Who cares? We have all season to debate and I cannot wait. I probably could wait but whatevs, I’ve missed you guys. All of you delightful people who actually waste about 10-15 minutes of your day a couple of times a week reading the absolute drivel I bang out on my keyboard. American Idol is back — and so is TopIdol!

Mister Steal Your Girl

David Leathers, Jr. (Age 17)

David aka Mister Steal Your Girl looks like he’s 12 but he’s actually SEVENTEEN and all the girls love him because he sings and lo and behold, just a couple of years ago, he competed in a singing competition with that Scotty McCreery kid. Remember him? Did you know he went PLATINUM with that album with that song about telling the 3-year-old to lift their arms up above their head? I had no idea until I read that somewhere. No clue. This kid may actually make a few bucks and have a career, and you know what that means, he can buy a lot of lights for his baby to turn down low, and a lot of locks for the back door. And well, you know what? That was last season, on with the new.

I have no idea what Mister Steal Your Girl is singing but kid’s got a voice. You just know they’re gonna ask him if he knows “any Michael Jackson.” And they do. Because any pint-size black kid who doesn’t look his age but can sing pretty well automatically gets thrown into the Jackson bucket. (Personally, Mister Steal Your Girl reminds me of Dave on Degrassi.) But I can’t hate on this kid. He is sort of the exact opposite of a country-singing idiot blonde girl who’s really 16 but dresses likes she’s 42.

Gabi Carruba (Age 16)

Gabi gets “diaper dancer” home videos and a camera crew in her tap dancing studio, followed by an extensive Q&A about Steven Tyler with Ryan Seacrest. When she finally gets into the audition room, she asks to hug Nigel. (Granted, if I was auditioning for ANTM, I would ask to hump the leg of Nigel upon entering the audition room, but that’s Barker, not Lythgoe.) Abby looks all sweet and innocent and freshly-scrubbed and hell, with that natural brown hair, she might even fool me into liking her. I’m softening, aren’t I? NONSENSE. She is super sweet and immediately kisses Nigel’s ass upon meeting the judges. She is either a calculating teenage bitch or a potential National Merit Scholar. Therefore, I will continue to keep one suspect eyebrow raised until proven otherwise.

Brianna Faulk (Age 15)

She’s singing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. We have seen this contestant about 654 times before, just under different names. Next, please.

Neco Starr (Age 20)

He did not have to open his mouth for me to know he was gonna sing Bruno Mars.

Me no likey.

Molly Hunt (Age 15)

And we have a live one! She fits all of my criteria! Why didn’t anyone tell me Courtney Stodden was auditioning this season?

Elise Testone (Age 28!)

A musician/vocal coach who is not a high school student. Looks a little rough. Deep, bluesy voice. MAMA LIKE.

Save wardrobe budget: Shrink 'n' Wear Simon Cowell's t-shirts

Tres adorable. Ryan Seacrest is dressing just like his erstwhile lover, Mr. Simon Cowell.

OMG SO MUCH TALENT! NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT! THEY ARE ALL SO YOUNG AND SO TALENTED! 

Jessica Whitley (Age 19)

There Lea Michele-Pia Toscano love child is very strong in this one. But you know she’s gonna suck eggs because, well, OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN SO GOOD. You know how this shit is edited. You know how it works. Sadly, Miss Whitley is one of those poor contestants who has been raised to believe, for likely her entire life, that she is a REALLY GOOD SINGER. You can tell in her inflection, her passion, her elan. She claims dehydration and tells the judges she’ll see them in Texas.

This is just way too feel-good and syrupy. Not that I particularly enjoy watching dreams being dashed, as in more cases than not, the ones allowed to dream big on this show are usually the most insufferable. But this is all so chipper, so buoyant, so…fake. Even by American Idol standards. It’s almost on par with…with…a Jennifer Lopez for Fiat commercial!

Just because you're blond and dress & talk like an emcee does not mean you are the spitting image of Ryan Seacrest. But if you think it does, you may just get on national television.

Sean Kraisman (Age 26)

People tell him all the time that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Yawn. He’s clearly angling for a local announcer gig in some second-tier market. (He is apparently a “sales consultant.” I can see that, too. Wonder if its at a T-Mobile or AT&T store.) Or he already has one. Guess I can’t fault the guy for self-promotion.

Shannon Magraine (Age 15)

She’s really tall and has the athletic aura of new-money privlege. Kind of like that Ayla Brown, no? BINGO. Shannon’s father was former Cardinals’ pitcher Joe Magraine, so she’s like Nikko Smith + Ayla Brown. Everyone wants to meet her family! She brings them all in. Not sure where the daughters start and stop but the majority seem to be wearing ROMPERS (The preferred warm weather fashion of TopIdol!) and well, her father was a Cardinal so I mean…and he’s very gregarious and even asks Steven Tyler how things are up in “Beantown” (No one in “Beantown” calls it that, by the way) so I’m warming up to this volleyball-playing rich girl who doesn’t not look like Jennifer Lawrence from certain angles and then Steven Tyler answers Magraine’s query:

Hot, humid, and happening. Just like your daughter.

Oh who cares. I wish he was back on the sauce so we could hear more creepy uncle stuff. Shannon Magraine is marginally talented, she’s bluesy. She sings Etta James AND she doesn’t sing At Last. You know me, I’m a sucker for those teenage contestants who have other things going on, like being literate, or playing volleyball. And she looked like a teenager, ya know? And her father was a Cardinal.

HOW THE HELL HAS NO ONE SANG ADELE YET?

Get ready for the montage of people who suck. People yell. And yell. And yell. And BOOM SHAKA LAKA

We could have had it alllllllll

Seriously? It took THIS long?

Amy Brumfield (Age 24)

When Amy walked in, I thought for sure she was a belly-dancing gypsy kind. Ok. I wasn’t entirely off-base. She lives in a tent off in the middle of the woods in Tennessee. Living in a tent off in the middle of the woods is the new in a van down by the river, no? Amy can’t afford a “$100 a week hotel room” but she does own a few rhinestone baubles. Her significant other wears an ironed shirt. No, these kids aren’t rich, but that’s a nice tent. That’s a decent setup. They’re living in the woods because they want to…but I’m sure Idol wants a better angle, ya know? I mean, they don’t want to stay in a tent forever, but they’re enjoying it. And they love each other. And boyfriend Blake’s mother bought her outfit and jewelry — she ain’t ever been dressed this nice in her entire life.

Amy Brumfield lives in a tent. ($10 says she's a Burner.)

I like Amy. She’s got spunk. I suspect she’s also a Burner. They could/should be. They must at least do regional burns. These are good-hearted, industrious people. I almost like her enough to not hold singing an Alicia Keys song against her. She’s like a Winter’s Bone Crystal Bowersox. Her voice is raspy and she’s a self-described hippie — not a HIPSIE, Ms. Lopez.

Hey, can I pitch a tent behind the mansion?

If she gets to that miracle mile bullshit and they cut her…I mean, we now have our first cohesive “plot” of Season 11 — unless that Jessica Whitley chick actually does show up in Texas.

Joshua Chavis (Age 23)

Joshua wants to sing in front of a live audience (What? THERE WAS NO OPEN BAR WHERE YOU LIVE?) and hopefully, one day, the national anthem at a NASCAR race. He also mentions his BOYFRIEND and then squeals about meeting Jenny From The Block. With the exception of that last omission, I love this openly gay redneck. American Idol doesn’t want you to know there are gay people, let alone GAY NASCAR FANS.

Of course if gay NASCAR fans do exist, and if they should try out for American Idol and aren’t that good, then they’re probably open for ridicule, right? You know, Joshua isn’t HORRIBLE. If you put him in vocal lessons for a year or 2? He hit some of those notes. I can’t hit those notes. Jennifer Lopez sure as hell can’t hit those notes without autotune. And yes he really wants it, but would you have called him TERRIBLE if he wasn’t gay?

Please Joshua, if you’re reading this, come over and visit TopIdol. We would love to hear from you.

Stephanie Renee (Age 15)

When Stephanie was 8, she watched American Idol all the time. And she LOVED Carrie Underwood. She claims being on American Idol is what every girl dreams of. She’s also wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even be sold at a Forever 21. And of course she’s gonna sing Carrie Underwood’s goddamn winner’s song. JLo says she has some beautiful notes but sounds nasal. Steven says yes (she is female), Randy says no, and of course La Lopez says YES, because La Lopez wants everyone to think she’s a good person.

Stephanie Renee doesn’t seem like a manipulative teen bitch, and she probably reads at at least a 6th grade level. But she did sing Carrie Underwood (the coronation song!) and is already going by her first and middle name alone. (Who do you think you are? LAUREN ALAINA SUDDETH?!) But her family looks appears pleasant enough.

(AM I GOING SOFT?!)

What? We’re only halfway done?! Fine. Let’s revising some [manufactured] sibling drama! I remember these people! He’s the guy with David Cook’s old hair! OH NOEZ! He’s not auditioning this season.

Schyler Dixon (Age 17)

Jennifer Lopez doesn’t really remember her, you know that, right? She saw that Schyler auditioned last year (and how far she got) when she looked down at that little application. She knows she “met you” last year because its on that piece of paper in front of her and the producers told her this before you entered the room. If you met Ms. Lopez on the street, she would spit on you and then laugh.

No Jennifer Lopez. You did not remember her. Stop trying to act. You’re not good at that, either.

So…you can just audition on the spot, even without a number? Even without going through those 3-4 “producer rounds?” No one called you before hand and told you how this was gonna play out?

Bullshit.

Colton Dixon (Age 19)

The man with David Cook’s original hair is gonna sing David Cook’s Permanent. Ok. No offense to David Cook, who remains one of my all-time favorite contestants on this show and, along with Bo Bice, is pretty much responsible for forcing contestants to at least attempt to demonstrate some sort of musicianship, but what dude in their early 20s do you know is all like, I love David Cook. And I think it would be great if David Cook actually got some non-female fans that discovered him outside of American Idol, but this is just weird. And now I’m looking at his vest and his t-shirt and his hair and HOLY FRAKING CHRIST COLTON DIXON IS A DAVID COOK MAU.

His initials are the same as David Cook's if you do it backwards.

This being said, I would actually probably enjoy Colton Dixon on the show if he cut down on the wailing. I can’t see myself enjoying Colton Dixon outside of American Idol, but you know, cheap entertainment for the sake of my blog.

And Brother & Sister Dixon both get golden tickets, although Schyler is still just a number and COLTON DIXON’s name is on his ticket. But they still love each other, even if Brother stole Sister’s moment AGAIN. Isn’t your heart just all tickled and warm right now?

Lauren Mink (Age 25)

There is something almost Connie Britton-esque about this one, and she works with the disabled. Yes she’s blond. Yes she sings country. But she’s kind of Connie Britton-esque and has a real job doing something good and oh christ, she sang a GWYNETH PALTROW song. Did you ever think you would see someone sing A GWYNETH PALTROW SONG…ever? Miss Mink is going to Hollywood. I’m okay with it. Her voice is fine and she is of a normal, healthy weight and wears minimal makeup.

DAY 2

I’ve watched this show long enough to know that when a West African man announces he’s going to sing Rascal Flatts, zero good can come out if it. Because the only thing “funnier” than being gay on American Idol, is being an immigrant. This show can barely get an African-American into the Top 5 anymore, let alone someone who was born about 6000 miles away from the Mason-Dixon Line.

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE DON’T HUMILIATE HIM

Mawuena Kodjo (Age 25)

I almost don’t even want to watch. Because no good can come of it. No good can come out of it when you subtitle everything a man says, even though his English abilities are quite up to par. But this is American Idol. And this guy is NOT AMERICAN. Hear him talk with his FUNNY ACCENT. Give him Rhinestone Cowboy as his soundtrack. Give him SUBTITLES. Because its all about the pointing and laughing.

Rascal Flatts? Oh…you like country music?!

Oh Jenny From The Block. Look at you, all surprised, there’s a man from West Africa and he likes country music. And you asked loudly, of course, because that’s what ignorant schmucks do when they think someone doesn’t know English. Too bad he didn’t respond with, oh, but you claim to be Puerto Rican but you did Diddy and Ben Affleck and child backup dancers. Because that’s what I would have said if I was an African man who liked country music and JLo asked me that, just saying.

Sigh…you know what happens.

It's not American Idol if no one mocks a sweet immigrant.

Oh and to the old redneck outside, not every African man is a runner. Just saying. But at least old redneck and that cadre of children wanted him to go to Hollywood.

I’m gonna be the first African country music star.

I will start taking up a fund for Mr. Kodjo’s singing lessons to prove those bastards wrong. Who’s with me? And who else remembers that absolutely inane show on E! (E! is the Devil) called Love Is In The Heir? Someone else must have seen that show…about an “alleged Iranian-American princess” who wanted to be a country music star and find someone to marry her? Does this sound familiar?

Ashlee Altise (Age 28)

Talkative black girl with dreads = CRAY CRAY. With the rare exception of say, Naima Adeapo, or even Nadia Turner, you cannot be a funky black female on American Idol. You can be a woman of color and maybe even make it to the Top 5, but if you show the slightest signs of irreverence, it is unacceptable. (They had no idea about Fantasia, trust me. THANK YOU FANTASIA FOR BEING CRAY CRAY!) American Idol ascribes to a George Washington Carver world view of sorts, at least when it comes to African-Americans who are not say, established talent appearing on their show. Mostly white idiots watch this crap and Fox/Freemantle assume that they want their black folks to display certain qualities — particularly the women. Sing Whitney. Belt out the high notes. Being fat is okay if you can belt out big notes. Sing it karaoke, just like Aretha and Whitney. Sing that terrible Get Here song. American Idol prefers their ladies of color to be of the adult contemporary variety.

When Ashlee Altise starts belting out Come Together, I am (almost) shocked. She was set up to be cray-cray. SHE HAS DREADS. SHE DANCES. But Ashlee has the pipes to back it up. Also: excellent song choice. Why do I feel as if Ashlee is not long for this world? The good ones never are…and $10 says she’s going to be one of the contestants who pisses everyone off on group day during Hollywood Week.

DAY 2 MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS

W.T. Thompson (Age 25)

We are led to believe this blond bruiser of a man doesn’t make it. That it’s touch or go. The drama is built up, yet…we see AT-HOME FOOTAGE. And the tears of a young lady. The  former prison screw decided to quit his job to try out for American Idol. Even though he has a pregnant wife. Because it is his dream. Steven says no…Jennifer says yes…Randy likes the power. Randy thinks W.T. will be EATEN ALIVE. Of course W.T. makes it. Hey, that’s cool. His voice was kind of good and he and his friends look like a lot of fun. He doesn’t appear to be a religious kind, like that Michael Sarver, but hell, we only saw him for like, 3 minutes. But I saw no cross and the one buddy looked like a friendly vicious biker.

THIS IS WHY REALITY TV HAS WRITERS

Apparently, in Savannah, there are hundreds of attractive women who cream their panties for Steven Tyler. Yes, Steven Tyler got a lot of tail back in the day, before he morphed into an Ab Fab-loving drag queen, and he’s still got a shitload of money and sometimes still tours with Aerosmith in stadiums across the land, so yes, it is not inconceivable to believe he can still get laid, but come on! I bet some of these girls were too young to even remember Crazy or Cryin’. And they’re auditioning for American Idol! They want to be on TV! People will do anything to be on TV! There’s even an entire network devoted to these individuals and it is called TLC.

She traveled to Buffalo just to grope Steven Tyler.

Erica Novak (Age 20-something )

Did Erica really travel all the way from Buffalo, NY to meet her “future ex-husband Steven Tyler?” She doesn’t even care if she goes out in “security cuffs” if it means she gets to kiss.

To hell with the golden ticket, just give me a fucking hug.

Doubt Steven Tyler minded his ass getting grabbed. Just like I’m sure Joss Stone is probably okay with people still singing her music, even if its not very good.

Brittany Kerr (Age 23?)

Brittany is a dancer for an NBA team. She is attractive in the bland conventional way dancers for NBA teams are attractive. She is blond. She is also singing…JOSS STONE. WTF JOSS STONE? Her voice is mediocre, at best. Mediocre at best, sufficient for the bland conventionality of an NBA dancer. Once this girl gets the heave-ho, she will likely appear as a contestant on The Bachelor within the next two years.

The only notable part about this audition was that it was used to illustrate something very obvious, that Randy and Steven will always give the “pretty girl” the benefit of the doubt. In reality, it just proved that Jennifer Lopez, like Kara DioGuardi before her, is an insecure twat. Brittany is by no means actress or model pretty and her voice is absolutely nothing to write home about, but she is an NBA dancer currently being admired by 2 men sitting on either side of Jennifer Lopez. SHE IS YOUNGER. She must be eliminated because she is a threat to PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (Come on, kids…why didn’t Pia Toscano get to duet with a more famous & talented person at last year’s finale?)

GAME OVER. ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.

Philip Philips: The next American Idol? Maybe. The next American Idol contestant to be lusted after by women at least 2-4x his age? Definitely.

Philip Philips (Age 20) 

Philip Philips is inoffensively cute. Cute in the way that you would want the guy your daughter may or may not be schtupping at homecoming to be cute. His middle name, if it is not Philip, should be aw shucks. He wears plaid. He works at his father’s pawn shop, which seems to carry a lot of ready-to-mount taxidermy. Philip Philips has a guitar. Philip Philips is a junior. His father is loving and supportive and smiley also, obviously, named Philip Phillips. His mother, who should be named Philipa but probably is not, loves Ryan Seacrest, although in her opinion, he is not as handsome as Philip Philips, Sr.

Philip Philips is American Idol gold and he doesn’t even have a dead (or comatose) girlfriend. He’s even gonna sing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition. Everybody loves it when white boys sing soul, particularly Stevie Wonder, particularly Superstition. (But black men, well, they just can’t sing country.)

Philip Philips is good. He’s better than your average bar singer and as we’ve seen, he’s cut his teeth playing live shows around his hometown. Philip Philips hasn’t even picked up his guitar. It doesn’t matter that Philip Philips is wearing flip flops. Homeboy can really play guitar. Homeboy is not playing Stairway. Homeboy is playing Thriller. Philip Philips has busted out the big guns his first time out of the gate — was that a mistake, a la Andrew Garcia, who never quite met the expectations set by his acoustic cover of Paula Abdul’s Straight Up? Doubt it.

Philip Philips has the looks of a supporting character on Friday Night Lights. Philip Philips might be the most perfect White-Guy-With-Guitar ever seen on American Idol. It’s like they took all the qualities of the last 4 winners and merged them into one nubile Super-White-Guy-With-Guitar. And frankly, the only think interesting about Your Cousin Phil DeWheezy was that he worked in a paint store. Well, Philip Philips works in a PAWN STORE. He is the plaid shirts & Michael Jackson-loving song-re-arranger with loving parents a la Kris Allen. He has the aw shucks guy-next-door demeanor and speaking tendencies of Scotty McCreery, although its a bit more seasoned given the fact he has a few years on the kid. He sings his re-arranged songs with the throatiness of the original WGWG, David Cook. His guitar skills even appear to be on par with Season 9′s Casey James, who may have not been the most talented WGWG vocally, but damn, that could could play guitar. Philip Philips is also NOT wearing a cross.

Dear Philip Philips, I feel very, very sorry for you. You have no idea what’s gonna happen now that all those old ladies, ahem, American Idol’s ardent fanbase, has seen you on their television screens.

Yes, yes. It is only the first night out but I think we have a winner. American Idol is never as entertaining as I want it to be, but I’ve been sitting here typing about it for almost 4 hours so I really want it to be, ya know? Tonight’s episode was surprisingly–with the exception of the whole mocking immigrants and gay NASCAR fans thing, and (obviously) Jennifer Lopez–kind of…good? It dragged on forever and people kept singing Joss Stone (didn’t she go the way of the dodo bird and Leelee Sobieski?), but it could have been so much worse. It could have been…last year.

What did you think of tonight’s show? How much did you have to drink to get through the entire 2 hours? Do you think Philip Philips is gonna win it all, even though we’ve only seen one audition city? Do you think they should just throw in the towel and change the name of the show to American White Guy With Guitar Mild Idol? Start talking.

Spread the word. Do it.

But more than anything, it pretty much solidified what most of us have believed since that big-haired, bad-dressing, soon-to-be-GED-earning nitwit from Chattanooga when a big audience is necessary, small-town Georgia when there are leveled-by-tornadoes towns to exploit–she is the chosen one. She is the one Nigel & Co. want to win this whole damn thing.

Scotty McCreery is going to do just fine whether he is 1 or 2, but the producers hilariously believe Lauren Alaina can be the next Carrie Underwood, but with Taylor Swift youth. If she comes in second, that sort of success isn’t guaranteed. Of course, what are the chances of getting Farmbot 2.0 or another Kelly Clarkson on a show that’s gone at least 2 years past its expiration date? But they’ve set her up nicely, no? Faux-drama about maybe not being able to sing…coronation song about MOMMA.

Speaking of MOMMA. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if Sunday School Strumpet really could not sing? It would have been awesome not just because Haley Reinhart would have been where she rightfully belongs, but because they likely would have been a big scene when Lauren’s momma Kristi Suddeth would have taken the stage a la Joan Crawford, but looking even more ridiculous. It reminds me of when Blanche entered her granddaughter in the beauty pageant and ended up doing the talent routine on The Golden Girls. But not really. Because Blanche was AWESOME. And in the end, she realized forcing her granddaughter into pageants was a piss-poor idea. Mrs. Suddeth would NEVER realize turning her only daughter into a not-too-bright karaoke singer with a wardrobe meant for bored suburban white women cruising dueling piano bars was a piss-poor idea. NEVER. Bet she used to like singing. Maybe did it in high school. Then she got pregnant and all those dreams? Gone gone gone. So why not make a Mini Me and live vicariously through her frosted hair and drag queen garage sale outfits?

Oh, the lengths I will go to not start the DVR. Opining. Digressing. May as well just get this dog & pony show over with. Perhaps I’m a sucker for excruciating situations.

Idol is really pushing both Carrie Underwood and David Cook tonight. And in childhood home movies of tonight’s two finalists, we discover Lauren Alaina has been dressed like a delusional divorcee since age 3. Speaking of David Cook…remember that one? Now that was a proper finale.

The Boy Next Door vs. The Southern Belle. No, Ryan. You’ve got it all wrong. But I suppose The Boy-Next-Door vs. The Borderline-Illiterate Mean Girl Who Preaches Jesus But Gives Handies In Exchange for Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill isn’t all that catchy and might not be entirely appropriate for family TV.

Really? Bringing out a doctor in black scrubs to explain “what happened.” Come on. That’s the really-trying-to-make-it nebbishly-Jewish character actor who was the third choice for Taub on House. He might also be on one of those new Target ads playing a pharmacist next to some “clever” copy about nostrils or something. Lauren Alaina’s talking voice seems A-OK to me. How do we blow out her other vocal chords? She’s like that monster in the movie that you just can’t kill and then goes out to the sea or back to space and comes back for the sequel, isn’t she? The only saving grace of this show is that FINALLY, it is only one fraking hour.

In completely unrelated new, I just discovered the best store-bought salsa (Marshall’s Fenway Farmstand is awesome). I might finish the whole damn jar. Its called Vizcaya Bean & Corn (Cuban Salsa, Medium) and its so damn good. SHAMELESS PLUGS PEOPLE. KILLING TIME WITH SHAMELESS PLUGS.

Round 1 — Favorite Song of the Season

Scotty McCreery
Gone

If you have already forgotten, nice guy Scotty flipped the coin to perform last but pulled the whole gentleman thing and asked Lauren what she wanted. Selfish twat said she wanted to go second. Yeah. I know. It might be wrong to hate a teenager but I hate that kid. There’s just something about her I don’t like.

Scotty, on the other hand, I like the kid. He seems like such a nice young man. And while he’s sang country (maybe a bit of rockabilly when the theme called for oldies) every single episode, you can see how far he’s come in terms of stage presence. He’s comfortable up there and its apparent he’s having fun. It’s not life or death for Aiken E. Newman. You know this kid is going to be fine win or lose. Maybe he’ll even play some more baseball with his friends, graduate with them, all that good stuff.

Funny. The judges do not critique after he performs. I guess they save it for the end of the round. The judges should be quiet more often. After all, when have they really had anything worthwhile to say? There’s that old adage if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all but I don’t think that counts when you’ve been hired to offer up your many years of industry expertise & experience and critique wannabe singers. But then being in this position also allows you to collect a fat paycheck for reading producer-written notes and telling everyone they’re just wonderful and then giving the handful of remaining fans / people who have nothing better to watch the most boring finale in Idol history. Hell, even last season, which was pretty much downright terrible, I still looked forward to seeing Crystal Bowersox being awesome in the finale. Hell, it was even mildly entertaining to watch your cousin Phil DeWheezy butcher songs about being a paint salesman. I mean a boxer. Anyway…

Lauren Alaina
Flat on The Floor

No better way to kiss ass than to sing a Carrie Underwood song. The outfit. That hair. That makeup. Jesus. I have said time and time again Lauren Alaina is not fat. She does not, however, know how the hell to dress for her age or body type. This evening, she does, in fact, resemble Miss Piggy. I can’t even feel like a bitch for saying it. She’s the one vacuum-packed into black spandex and silver reptile print. HONEY. You are 16. Dress like a 16-year-old. You wanna look like your momma? Well I’ll let you in on a little secret. She looks like shit for being in her mid-to-late 30s. That Aiken E. Newman is out there wearing jeans and a t-shirt and you’ve got more paint on than the store that guy who won last year is gonna start working at after his little tour finishes.

She also totally fraked up in some parts. Her voice sounds like shit. Maybe she blew out another vocal chord.

Round 2 — Celebrities’ Pick
In this round, the contestants’ HEROES have selected their songs. (Clearly Lauren Alaina has never heard of Patsy Cline and well, poor Patsy left this world too early but I mean, Lucinda Williams and Trisha Yearwood would have been good choices, too.)

Scotty McCreery
Check Yes Or No (chosen by George Strait)

This song is special to me for one reason and one reason alone. My dear friend Maggie made me listen to a lot of country when she went through this phase in high school and I always thought the name of this song was Jack Daniels Knows. To me, it made sense. It seems like a perfect country song title. And I had already read a bit of Camus and hell, Jack Daniels being the only one to understand one’s feelings seemed somewhat existential (or drunk writer-ly) and Jack Daniels is made in the South and so is country music. So why wouldn’t it be the perfect country & western song? Let’s write it.

Now I think I gathered what this song was about even though it seemed to be entirely chorus. I was also typing and thinking about how that weird blond vampire fiddler guy got to earn another paycheck. Everyone else might think this is the most boring Idol finale ever, but Count Blondler got another gig on national TV. It really is not hard to realize some good actually comes out of this shit show if you just look carefully. Count Blondler might but a few more dollars in his ING Direct account, or help buy his band a new van for their summer mini-tour. Or maybe he can buy himself a brand new fiddle, or his mom a new front porch swing.

Oh yeah. About the song. Its all about meeting some girl when you’re 8 and being in love with her ever since but not realizing it until later and Jack Daniels knew all about that sort of thing. Jack Daniels knows everything. Now if I was choosing for Scotty, I would have gone for the slam dunk with a similarly-themed Tim McGraw ballad entitled Please Don’t Take The Girl. It’s about a kid named Johnny who’s dad takes him fishing and this girl wants to go and he doesn’t want him to take her. But later on he ends up falling in love with her. And they get held up on some dirt road by a gunman later on but he begs him not to take the girl and their lives are spared and then they go on to get married. Of course, then they decide to have a baby and this girl just has to go and die in childbirth even though Johnny is on his knees praying to God not to take the girl. Exactly. Slam dunk.

Lauren Alaina
Maybe It Was Memphis

Because Idol really wants you to know that Lauren Alaina is going to be the next Carrie Underwood, Carrie Underwood picked Lauren Alaina’s next song. American Idol really wants another cash cow. If you are blond and have a southern accent, you can be the next Carrie Underwood!

Why would anyone want to be Carrie Underwood, anyway? Just be yourself. Do you think copycat karaoke is going to get you that far…? Ugh. The only bright spot since the commercial break (featuring some grotesquely over-dramatic GOODBYE OPRAH ad touting her finale that makes it look as if the most important person in the world is dying) is seeing Haley Reinhart mugging for the camera from the audience, sitting beside Casey Broflovski, of course. And then there’s Naima and Jacob Lusk being all squirmy. Do you blame him? He has to keep adjusting himself so he can see over Mommy Suddeth’s stacked Kate Gosselin bob.

Count Blondler is clearly a Bill Hader character. And listen Sunday School Strumpet, the body type thing again…you don’t wear flat boots with a short skirt unless you’re well…unless…you’re taller. Where to begin on the dress? Do showgirls double as Sweet Potato Pie Parade majorettes these days? (Do majorettes still exist?) What the hell is that thing? Its almost…who designed that shit? NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. EVER. AND I KNOW YOU WILL BUY SOME YIPPY TOY DOG ONCE YOU ARE DONE WITH THIS SHIT AND THAT YIPPY TOY DOG WILL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU WILL DRESS HIM IN THE MOST HORRIBLE THINGS EVER CREATED FOR YIPPY TOY DOGS.

I do not care what you sang or how you sung it. Because you are so mediocre when it comes down to it. I’ve seen better shit on karaoke nights in Ballwin, MO for frak’s sake. Now it has finally dawned on me why a part of a certain quote has been running through my mind for the last month whenever I’ve blogged this show:

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

BINGO. First rule of TopIdol? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass. 2nd? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass.

You know who’s not gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass? The JUDGES. The JUDGES. How do you people live with yourselves? You’re just talking heads. Talking heads. Jennifer Lopez. You’ve been handcuffed to a bench at the NYPD and asked for cuticle cream. You almost destroyed a nice guy from Boston’s entire career. You danced with a giant high heel. Have you just given up on ever gaining anyone’s respect? If I were you, perhaps I would do the same. You’re rich. I would have people make me special eye shadow I could wear and then snort to make all rational thought disappear. Maybe that’s what you’re already doing. And you, Randy Jackson. You gave up a long time ago. Now you just want to make IN IT TO WIN IT happen. You want to trademark that shit. Will you say that to those dance crews? Why the hell do you judge dance crews, anyway? Don’t even get me started on you, Steven Tyler. There were such high hopes for you and yet you just sit there all sober and positive and for chrissake, I’m sure you’re on something and I don’t advocate self-destructive behavior but MY FRAKING FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, would you please just fall off the wagon to make this show somewhat interesting? Canned rhymes and whooping and telling young girls how pretty they are is not entertainment. That’s shit I see when I wait for the #1 bus in Central Square.

Again, we are forced to see more Momma Suddeth. She adores the screen time. And then Seacrest mentions Oprah and introduces this Taio Cruz person I guess because they’re both black or something. Its called Positive? This was part of that contest they mentioned one time at the beginning of the season, isn’t it? Don’t remember much about it, then again, I likely tuned it out or blogged that episode drunk or skipped it because I was drunk. (Sometimes I drink on Thursday nights. You know you do, too.)

Round 3 — This song will be on their album/corronation

Scotty McCreery
I Love You This Big

Some of the melody is reminiscent of Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers but the title is…the whole THIS BIG thing is what you say to a 3-year-old when your asking them about size or helping them take off a long-sleeved shirt. Its a rather forgettable ballad but he gets some smoke effects and makes his sweet parents cry. His parents seem so nice. He seems like such a nice boy.

Lauren Alaina
Like My Mother Does

What a song choice. In so many ways. In so many, many ways. Luckily for Kristi Suddeth, this also means EVEN MORE SCREENTIME. Holy swaybots make this stop.

When I love I give it all I got / like my mother does / when i’m scared / i bow my head and pray / like my mother does / she’s a rock / she is great / she’s an angel / she’s my heart & soul / she does it all

(BTW. Haley Reinhart never had to be helped down the stairs when wearing heels.)

NOPE. DONE. CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Because I see myself like my mother does

I can’t add anything. Nope. Can’t. It’s all be said sung. And I can’t keep taking photos of these asshats. I can’t keep listening to them talk. Hell, this idiot girl — whom, btw, was just proclaimed the winner by this allegedly-esteemed panel of judges — had some guy with about 10 uncredited roles on the IMDB come out and play “Doctor #1″ so we would believe she blew a vocal chord and there she is, yapping away, much like that poor toy dog she’s going to buy for her and her mother to play dress-up with. And “Doctor #1″ is all like, thanks FOX, you lied to me. You said there would be a 4-episode arc on House next season if I did this dog & pony shit with the whiny southern brat and now you’ve sent me on my way with a weak pittance after forcing me to sign some non-disclosure bullshit and told me you’ll call me. Lies. All lies. I graduated from NYU with a Masters in Theatre and this is what I get? So I get to keep my black scrubs. Nice parting gift.

Does David Cook come out now and sing that cover song? This stuff got paused for about 2 hours once they started replaying excerpts from tonight’s show with those phone numbers attached. In any case, I’m done. I don’t care who wins. I just want it to be over. Much as I did during that advanced screening of Gigli.

Spread the word. Do it.

Lauren Alaina is wearing some backwoods Sailor Moon ensemble to start. I imagine this is her attempt at appearing younger

Scotty McCreery
Amazed (Lonestar)

Beyonce says she is a Lonestar fan. Admit it. Just like me, you tried to imagine her and Jay-Z jamming out to country in their chaffuer-driven Escalade after say, hanging out with Barack & Michelle.

Scotty isn’t exactly breaking any new ground at this point, but he does seem to be working on holding the mic in front of his mouth after his little chat with Gaga last week. He also seems to be expanding some sort of range, as he holding those big notes more. Kid definitely needs to not eyefrak the camera upon finishing. It was a country ballad sung proficiently by Aiken E. Newman. As Mother of TopIdol would say, it was nothing to write home about.

Naturally, Randy needs to name drop and talk about how he produced this song for the Backstreet Boys or something. You don’t know, either. Because you also tuned him out.

Lookie here. American Idol wants you to know it does allow people of size in noticeable sections of their audience. They don’t want you to think they really that woman kicked out of the front for being large was telling the truth.

Lauren Alaina
Wild Woman (Faith Hill)

Since I want to say something positive…I love Beyonce’s romper. I have no idea why Lauren Alaina is wearing a doily with shiny black pants and farm animals dangling from her ears.

Trailer Park Sailor Moon sings another country pop song and gropes the creepy uncle guitarist. She also OD’ed on accessories. Has American Idol ever had such a walking fashion faux pas on the show? This song is entirely dull. Faith Hill has a lot of better numbers out there. She seems to run out of breath during the big notes. I do not understand why they think this brat lacks confidence and has come such a long way!

Since Sunday School Strumpet has likely never done three songs in a row in her life, Ryan asks her if its tough on her brain. Yeah…Ryan’s not an idiot, but he knows one when he sees one.

Haley Reinhart
What Is and What Should Never Be (Led Zeppelin)

The final remaining interesting contestant is the only reason I’m still watching. Oh yeah. And this blog. Anyhoo, Haley doing Led Zeppelin is a stroke of genius. Its the only contestants’ choice song that was not so damn obvious. She likes taking risks. And her Dad is gonna play guitar! She should have got Casey Broflovski on bass, too!

Haley is by far the most-talented vocalist left in the competition. She likely knows more about music than the other two kids combined. If the producers have taken a gander at what’s hot in pop music right now, they might see some throaty female singers at the top of the charts. Taylor Swift is kind of over, no? Haley’s voice just works doing Led Zeppelin. It works. She works. Works the stage. She’s everywhere and she’s singing her heart out. And she even faceplants with aplomb and gets right back up without missing a beat (well technically she might have but…)

Randy Jackson gave her a standing ovation. Are they trying to derail the WE LOVE HALEY train? Because Haley’s got momentum.

Contestants’ Choice Round:
HALEY REINHART (Obviously Steven can’t choose a winner.)

BIZARRO RANDOM
Scientologist Priscilla Presley and Scotty McCreery. We know Scotty is an Elvis fan but…don’t get that close to Xenu! Especially when she’s had enough plastic surgery to create JOKER LIPS.

So I’m totally gonna watch Terra Nova. I watched all of Life On Mars and want to see Jason O’Mara hit the big time. He’s hot. Playing his son is Landon Laborion (I know I mangled the spelling) who was the rich kid on Degrassi who’s sister is Fiona. Fiona was an alcoholic and now she’s a lesbian. Fiona is one messed up little drama girl. I have high hopes for Terra Nova for whatever reason.

I don’t feel like watching the contestants’ auditions again but…it did mean we got to see BABY LOCK DEM DOORS one more time!

Jimmy Iovine will obviously choose better songs than Clive Davis, as he’s still making the big bucks to buy fun jackets and not hard candies. Clive Davis is buying hard candies with those millions.

Scotty McCreery
Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not? (Thompson Square)

I want to believe Jimmy chose this song for Aiken E. Newman after Gaga told him to picture the microphone as his girlfriend. Scotty gets all throaty on this little ditty. I wish I had something to say about his tone or phrasing or something else that sounds smart. But I’m offering as much relevant criticism as the judges this season so who the hell cares? Scotty does well with a guitar. It gives him a prop other than the mic.

La Lopez wants him to crop his hair like it was during his audition. Randy Jackson thinks he’s approaching Garth Brooks levels of greatness.

Lauren Alaina
If I Die Young (Perry)

Do we really need to see Sunday School Strumpet get rubbed down with leg shimmer? Do we have to watch her audition again? That whole Rainbow Brite on Meth look is soooooo unattractive. This whole scene just reminds me ONCE AGAIN how obnoxious this twit and her entire family is. And even with new fancy Melrose Avenue clothes, she still looks horrific. Accessories should not always be worn together.

Jimmy I. gets credit for some inspired song choices. If I close my eyes and don’t have to look at her, I almost like this song. And not just because its about Lauren Alaina singing about the possibility of dying young. I don’t despise her THAT much. But this is definitely her strongest performance. As long as you don’t look at her singing it.

I guess she screwed up…I’m not familiar with the song. BUT she gets PRAISE for getting caught up in an honest moment. You’re kidding me, right? It wasn’t like falling down and picking yourself back up. I’m going to have to re-watch this because the girl got distracted by someone clapping for her? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I miss these things when I’m typing furiously.

One thing you cannot miss, however, is Stage Mom from Hell Kristy Suddeth. The rotten apple really doesn’t fall that far from the tree, does it?

Haley Reinhart
Rhiannon (Fleetwood Mac)

Having Haley do Stevie Nicks is another stroke of brilliance on Jimmy Iovine’s part. Why haven’t we heard her do Fleetwood Mac before now? Why can’t there be FLEETWOOD MAC night on American Idol? You know what Fleetwood Mac song is amazing? Silver Spring. That song rips my heart out every time I hear it.

The real star of this performance might not be Haley, but the wind machine. Holy wind machine! Haley dials it back a bit on her raspy growling awesomeness but its rather nice. Randy would grow his hair out if he could have a wind machine. I have no idea how JLo knows it looks on camera.

I just love Haley. She seems like she’s actually FUN. FUN.

Jimmy Iovine’s Choice:
Steven says Lauren. Randy & JLo say Scotty. Me? HALEY HALEY HALEY. But Haley’s gonna win every round in my eyes tonight.

And if you were wondering who was sitting with Jimmy, its Neil Sedaka.

BEYONCE VIDEO
This totally started off promising because it opens with DUBSTEP. DUBSTEP. Then it moves into some Dance Hall. Its Mad Max meets Gaddafi’s Amazonian Guard. You cannot tell me the Amazonian Guard did not provide the inspiration.

JUDGE’S CHOICE / TINY BIT OF THE HOMETOWN VISITS

Scotty McCreery
She Believes In Me (Kenny Rodgers)

Scotty returns to the grocery store he once worked at so the IDOL JUDGES can text him the song he’ll be doing. I totally forgot all the big hometown stuff is shown on tomorrow’s results show.

Why oh why couldn’t he have done Lucille? The song is rather dull and Aiken E. Newman is side-mic-ing it up again. There are a couple of bum notes but otherwise, it was just Scotty McCreery doing a country ballad. Yawn. But he seems like a nice kid and I would rather see him in the finale over Lauren fraking Alaina. Also. His father seems awesome. His parents must be the antithesis of the Suddeths. HIS FATHER DOES BABYLOCKDEMDOORS. He should be in the finale just for that.

Lauren Alaina
I Hope You Dance (Leann Womack)

Do we really need to see Lauren Alaina being painted with even MORE makeup? Here’s a novel idea: Strip the makeup off.

This is pretty much the most uninspired song choice ever. This twit has likely sang this number 150x at some local karaoke bar her mother dragged her to…and that dress? THAT DRESS? Well the shade of blue helps her blend into the stage during some parts, which isn’t a bad thing. But jesus christ. That dress! Its nothing more than a sequined toilet paper cozy.

In other more important news, it almost appears as if Mommy Suddeth has a pierced nose. NO WAYZ!

This entire performance sucked. This girl hasn’t grown a bit in her 10 weeks on the show. She’s the same. The same. Every single week. And if I can’t find anything nice to say…well, I have nothing more to say.

Haley Reinhart
You Oughta Know (Alannis Morissette)

This is still a great song. Even if it was written about Dave Coulier. WOULD SHE GO OUT WITH YOU TO THE THEATER? I always love seeing how they dodge that line on Idol.

Haley stumbles a bit right before the chorus but oh how I love her freaking Randy out by singing how every time she scratches her nails down someone else’s back, she hopes he feels it. Heh. Giggle times. Her performance was not perfect, but she’s awesome. And she’s the only contestant to display versatility, singing 3 different songs.

And look at Sunday School Strumpet’s BITCH FACE when Steven gives Round 3 to Haley. Heh heh heh.

Spread the word. Do it.

Fast forwarding through last night’s performance bits, as no one should have to witness Lauren Alaina’s sartorial assault yet another time. SHE WORE A MULLET DROPCLOTH LINED IN LEOPARD PRINT. But oh, how I did adore Haley sassing the judges. YOU GO GIRL. YOU GO.

We begin the festivities with James Durbin & Scotty McCreery singing country tunes to 4-year-olds. Find a few good buddies and start a band. Absolutely shocked they allowed Aiken E. Newman to twang it up with someone other than Sunday School Strumpet. Just feast your eyes, as these two will be WGWG-ing it up during the finale.

Funny, my appreciation of La Lopez’s resplendent top led to my observation she was pairing it with cropped cargo pants. She just loves those. Its such a shame she did not bust out that pair of stiletto boots which are almost a shoe-in (HA!) for worst-ever trend of the early 00s. Between these, exposed thongs, and trucker hats, 2003 will go down as one of the worst years for fashion.

Seacrest announces more audition cities for Season 11. Does this mean this crap won’t be canceled? Next up is Haley and Lauren singing some country song. Funny how Miss Alaina had such difficulty singing about being evil only yesterday yet has no issue caterwauling about taking a shotgun to some guy who done her wrong. Haley’s sheer camisole is terrible, yet its age appropriate.

This week, the Idols were able to connect with their families via Windows 7 (like they have had zero access to Skype before now) and all I can think about is how Apple wants to distance themselves far away from this crap, even though iTunes is the only place you can download their songs. Poor Haley, they barely show her talking to her family, but we’re forced to listen to Sunday School Strumpet beg beg beg her brother and dogs to vote for her harder. Everyone else, well, they just sort of seemed like they missed their families.

Well gag me with two-toned stripper hair. Lauren Alaina has made the Top 3. Who the hell is voting for her, anyway? All of Georgia? You expect us to believe that?

So obviously, Lady Gaga isn’t performing live. Hell, she’s not even performing ON Idol. We just get to see part of her HBO concert special. The part where she sang the song covered by Haley Reinhart last week. Couldn’t I just watch this on HBO? And then that James Durbin still thinks he’s gonna be playing stadiums. Let’s face facts. The closest he’s gonna come to Madison Square Garden is if he decides to busk at Penn Station.

Now its time for Enrique Iglesias. Funny, on my way home tonight the iPod pulled up Escape. Yes, yes. I had forgotten all about that little ditty yet…I still really like it. Should I be filled with shame? I don’t really dislike Enrique, ya know? The guy has managed to stay somewhat relevant by releasing / promoting his singles through reality TV. Baby I Like It debuted on Jersey Shore. He once filmed a video on ANTM. Its not a bad strategy if you think about it a tiny bit. Its working for him.

Just how much more filler must we sit through? Its really sad when I get excited for the FORD COMMERCIAL. Oh Jesus. Its to FIREFLIES. And everyone is painting guitars and Ford Focuses with neon pens. Tracers, baby. It was almost as uninspired as every single Lauren Alaina performance.

Jordin Sparks dropped a ton of weight and is like, 20 or something now. Which means she can sing something called I Am Woman. I never watched her season but damn, she’s never looked better. She’s obviously going for an “edgier” dance sound a la Beyonce at this point in her career. The song is rather Beyonce Lite. Almost entirely forgettable, except for her Tina Turner-inspired black dress. Come on. That dress screams TINA. The female dancers are all wearing vintage from Janet Jackson’s Rythm Nation tour, I guess as to be covered up as to not distract from Miss Sparks’ new & improved body.

Steven Tyler It’s So Good video time. Black & White. There is a monkey. And a parrot. And scarves on the mic stand, of course. He is also singing to a girl considerably younger than each of his daughters. This is barely legal shit. Lauren Alaina might be older than this girl, hell, that’s probably just the logical conclusion one can draw as she dresses like someone in Mr. Tyler’s should-be dating bracket. I think Barely Legal girl even gave side boob. But you never really saw her “with him” so I guess its um, okay?

Haley is just like, I’m done with this shit. I wanna go schtup Casey Broflovski and bitch about how much the the judges suck. WHOA. Holy hell! TWO GIRLS IN THE TOP 3!!!

Of course they threw out some votes. This does not bode well for James Durbin, who looks as if he’s gonna lose it completely.

But if Scotty is the one to leave us, which he won’t be as he is Southern and sang about 9/11 and Jesus, its really not gonna matter since he’s guaranteed a contract in Nashville. All I care about is that he sings Baby Lock Them Doors on his way out. Then again, I can’t see him being too broken up about how it goes down. He can go home and play baseball and then go to Nashville.

The judges are not happy campers. This is not the way it was supposed to go down. Granted, JLo puts on that ridiculous sad-pouty face every time someone has to go home. I don’t know if this is how it all went down, ya know? A Scotty-James finale was just about guaranteed. Don’t they know who votes for this stuff?

Ok, Durbin. Save that cash you make from the Tour so you and Heidi can continue writing Post-It notes to one another. Money runs out real quick when you buy a lot of expensive ugly clothes on Melrose Avenue.

Can it, Lopez. Can it. Christ, for a second you made me wish Kara DioShutTheFrakUp was sitting in that chair. But all I can really say right now is…GO HALEY.

Spread the word. Do it.

A yearly “tradition” few people remember from season to season on Idol is Brit Week. Brit Week usually happens around now, the contestants go take photos in front of Union Jacks at the British Consulate, all because they are Nigel Lythgoe’s willing monkeys. OBVIOUSLY Brit Week is NOW because of that little wedding across the pond the media keeps telling us to care about. Do any readers here care about the nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton? (Hey, I love the UK…I just don’t think most people there care, even with all those commerative plates…)

Definite schtuppers Haley and Casey Broflovski seem to spend a lot of time together at these events. Personally, I find the odd friendship between Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina rather endearing. Don’t you? I don’t even care for her yet my heart sort of warms when I see those two all buddy-buddy.

Those two. Totally schtupping. And I want that skirt.

I would love to spend at least 15 minutes dissecting the whole Scotty McCreery-with-audience-harem-on-steps setup but results shows are twice as long as they should be. This week, we also have the requisite Idols-drawing-stuff-that-becomes-real Ford commercial set to Our House. On what planet does that rug match the rest of the interior?

Oh Crystal Bowersox. I missed you. How did you lose last season? And is it safe to say you’ll be recording your next album in Nashville? This song has some lyrics I like. I will likely be downloading. Please pardon my pitiful half-concealed narcissism of the past couple of weeks. I’ve really just wanted to be all girly and watch the entire second season of Sex & The City these days.

Q&A Time! If he could duet with anyone living or dead, Casey chooses jazz musician Oscar Peterson. Oh that Casey Broflovski is so underground. So outre. Hey, he is for American Idol. And when have they ever had a serious jazz enthusiast on the show?

Lauren Alaina is asked what the hardest thing is about being on the show. Shockingly, she does not answer reading mean things about me on the interwebs! She says its oh-so tough being away from friends and family. She also uses this time to bring up the tornado that swept through the South last night. I would find this sweet except I find it kind of contrived coming from her, yes yes, I know I’m a cynical bitch.

Most-random thing ever: Scotty McCreery aka Aiken E. Newman worked with his mother at a tanning salon.

Haley Reinhart, good girl! Nice job sucking up to Adam Lambert! After all, you are his FAVORITE. (I also like her necklace. And I still want that skirt!) Poor Haley, she has to go first. And capped troll Jimmy Iovine doesn’t think she has any clue who she is as a artist yet. Jimmy has traded in the leather jacket for a cardigan!

If your arm’s too short to box with god, don’t try. Let it fly.

What the hell does this mean? Steven Tyler…He just…puts words together that rhyme, right?

I love Haley. She’s spunky. And she’s SAFE.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Scotty is too subtle for American Idol. A bit confused. And this poor kid is at the whim of Ryan’s evil twisted whims! Aiken E. Newman is sent back to the sofa to wait a few minutes. He calls up Sunday School Strumpet. Since 3 southern states experienced a terrible tragedy/severe weather last night, wouldn’t they be um, vulnerable? I mean, would you vote for American Idol if a tornado ripped through your town. Granted, my sister went to dye eggs at her mom’s house on Saturday morning after one ripped through their street, but I guess people just deal with things…oddly.

Lauren is sent back to the sofa. Now our Casey Broflovski is brought up. During the performance recap, what I suspected last night has been confirmed — after the flack about the woman who was told she was “too fat” for the front row, Idol has allowed older & heavier ladies at the head of the pack. Well good for them. Seriously! Don’t discriminate against your bread & butter. I’m not even being a jackass when I say such things, dammit.

Those 3 are gonna be tortured during the commercial break. I’m a gonna get the remnants of last night’s turkey sandwich from the fridge.

Jimmy Iovine thinks James Durbin could win this whole thing. And he is safe. Poor Jacob is now called. Jimmy thinks he was dressed for Dancing With The Stars. Sigh…so many DWTS mentions this season. Those other 3 join Lusky Stank on stage. Boo. Lauren is safe…and the Bottom 3 includes Scotty? Come on. Nigel Lythgoe! You and your parlor tricks! Everyone knows Scotty is winning this damn thing.

Bruno Mars brought a living room of stoners with instruments. There’s even a dog (German Shepard?) that was hot-boxxed hanging out. Hey, its a totally ideal setup for something called The Lazy Song. (And the dog is totally hot-boxxed b/c he’s just hanging out with a stuffed monkey.)

JACOB IS SAFE. Even the judges looked kind of shocked. Casey & Scotty? Come on. Boo. Of course Casey is going home. How much do you wanna bet Jacob was really the one in the Bottom 2? There’s no way in hell Aiken E. Newman was there. Oh Casey Broflovski. I’m a gonna miss you. Not as much as Haley Reinhart, obviously, but still! Of course, the camera guy new where to pan…

This is what talent looks like, America! Oh Ry-Ry…And yes, he is talented. And entertaining. He goes around hugging and kissing people in the audience and the judges and…well, he saves the best for last.

Oh American Idol. You’re gonna be a lot less entertaining and romantical next week.

Spread the word. Do it.

Ryan Seacrest told us this would be an hour and a half packed solidly with music but we’re already 5 minutes in and there’s been no music, and what about all those Ford commercials. Clearly will.i.am had something else to do this week because Jimmy Iovine now has Babyface Edmonds as his right-hand man.

Jacob Lusk
Oh No Not My Baby

Jimmy Iovine thinks Jacob is an incredible singer, but is in the most jeopardy. This is because America doesn’t vote for black men on American Idol. And they really should, if only because Lusky Stank is wearing one of the greatest outfits ever seen on the show. He’s like the finest fraternity boy at Howard University and that guy who got paid millions for carrying around P. Diddy’s umbrella right now.

I guess it was good. Randy liked the scatting. Steven liked that he shook a tailfeather. I hope some freak is writing homoerotic slash about this right now. No, not really. TopIdol never encourages that sort of thing. But you know the thought also passed through your mind.

Lauren Alaina
Where You Lead (I Will Follow)

Since Lauren is Southern and kind of trashy, Jimmy Iovine brings in Miley Cyrus to hang out with her. But the biggest problem I have with Sunday School Strumpet is the fact she really has no idea what she’s singing about every week. I also believe there is strong evidence to suggest the femfoxbot backup singers are wearing terrible wigs. Raquel Welch does not approve.

And then she brings up some poor boy on the stage. She is trying to be endearing. I hope the poor bastard gets some. (We later find out Brett is 19. Ooops. Mrs. Suddeth also removed the weave but I am too lazy to take a photo of it. I typically do that on results night anyway.)

I’m underwhelmed. I’m always underwhelmed. I’m in a current state of underwhelment. Apparently, when Miss Alaina’s voice cracks, that’s a good thing because she’s pushing herself. Can she at least be in the Bottom 3 this week?

Haley & Casey
I Feel The Earth Move

Yeah. They’re totally schtupping. He likes growling-singing with her. On stage. She giggles. I love them. They almost warm my icy little heart. Almost. This is also a notable performance because Casey Broflovski does his fun dancing and crazy-person faces. They even play some dodging each other game on either side of the judges’ table. I love Haley Reinhart.

There wasn’t anything about it Steven didn’t like, which isn’t surprising, since whatever he’s on, it makes him like everything. I actually want whatever he’s on.

OMG RYAN SEACREST THERE IS ONLY ONE SCOTTY THE BODY AND HE WAS THE BLIND GUY.

Scotty McCreery
You’ve Got A Friend

Aiken E. Newman. Still likely leading in votes every damn week. Still singing from the side of his face. Scotty even gets the full orchestra this week. Shockingly I do not hate this. The kid exhibits excellent control and it actually, holy shit, almost does not sound like every song he’s sung every other week.

At this point, I will be flabbergasted if Scotty McCreery does not win this whole damn thing.

James Durbin
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow

Who wants to put bets down on a Scotty-James finale? With a guitar and a solid arrangement, and screechiness (almost) kept to a minimum, Lambert 2.0 done good. I am unable to say anything more negative than I already have, this is likely because he was actually and/or I am beyond exhausted. I give up. I want Steven Tyler’s happy drugs. We also learn this was the first song he made out with a girl to and it was in a bowling alley. He said he didn’t like one part but then he just started talking about how great it was again. Happy pills! Who wants some?

Oh. And Randy opines this guy might win the whole thing and gives him a hug. Scotty-James finale. (JLo likes everyone, btw. She would tell them they were okay if they just read the entire Gigli script.

Scotty & Lauren
Up on The Roof

Ryan wants them to be holding hands and play footsie. How do they compliment each other? They’re both teenagers who sing country. La Lopez thinks Lauren sings her brains out. So that’s where they went? Bored and underwhelmed. Next.

Casey Abrams
Heidi Ho

Oh! Gorgeous saxophone player is back. Let’s hope she’s not a jinx like she was for that Pauly Whites McDonald. Its a good thing James Durbin didn’t sing Heidi Ho and dedicate it to his woman. This Blood Sweat & Tears song made me think of New Orleans. I’ve never been to New Orleans, which is pathetic. I’ve been a lot of places and still no New Orleans. I think I might go for a weekend. Anyway, the song was like a better Zatteran’s commercial. I dug it. It also made Randy think of New Orleans and Steven want to scratch his scalp. JLo wants him to loosen up his legs. Um, ok. (I also swear Randy Jackson was from some place else last year.)

Haley Reinhart
Beautiful

At this point in the game, I’m all for Team Haley. Even if she’s wearing a wacky headband. I like this Haley Reinhart. She also gets the pretty saxophone player & a horn section. She has great inunciation. She looks nice. This is a real feel-good song, isn’t it?

I’m pulling for Haley Reinhart, especially since Adam Lambert announced she should win via Twitter. (Its on there somewhere) Maybe all those crazy Glamberts will vote for her. For some inexplicable reason, Randy didn’t like it. He’s a jerk. Now I’m not sure if I heard God, as Steven did, but I’m not on those happy pills.

Jacob & James
I’m Into Something Good

Even these two find it hilarious they’re gonna duet. But hell, you can’t break up the other duos now can you, Idol? Surprisingly, this is hella-fun. Even with JLo’s dreadful mugging for the camera (But I so want to know how she gets her legs so shiny.)

So who’s going home? Will it be Jacob Lusk? I don’t really want anyone to go home. Well, except Lauren Alaina and I have a feeling she might be around at least 2 more weeks. Sigh. And apologies for my general apathy and…underwhelment.

Spread the word. Do it.

Once again, the contestants are singing in groups and naturally, they start things off with those two kids they really want in the finals — Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina. Aiken E. Newman is still singing sideways and Sunday School Strumpet is still annoying as all hell, but this is the best she’s ever looked on the show. She still looks about 20 years older than her age but the fact she’s not wearing zebra print is enough to prevent me from spitting on her if I happened to run into her on the street. You know something else? This American Honey song is kind of horrible and nothing like that really good if overplayed Lady Antebellum song that I like to sing when I get home after drinking. And SSS is wearing two of those damned tacky oil rain lamps my grandmother had, one on each ear.

Ryan says we’re gonna find out if they’re safe after these messages. Come on now. We know they’re safe.

Shockingly, this week’s Idol commercial features…Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina on a romantic picnic. Interracial! They, nor Casey & Paul, get to be zombies. Ford-driving Zombies. Singing that Animal song which is kind of fun but also makes me think of two 13-year-olds sneaking a couple of Camels after blowing their parents cash at Hot Topic.

This commercial is actually kind of cute, but would be so much better if I got to watch Haley eat Sunday School Strumpet’s brains. The zombies decide not to eat anyone’s brains after they find this red Ford convertible and start headbanging. But THIS. THIS. IS AWESOME.

Casey Abrams & Haley Reinhart
Moanin‘

Casey Broflovski and Haley are allegedly schtupping so its good to hear them sing a jazz standard called Moanin.’ I sort of love these two crazy kids and I hope they get to keep schtupping in whatever manse they’re now residing in for at least the next couple of weeks or something. But beyond that, they’re good! Like the singing! It’s real good. It’s better than Sidways Mic & Skunked Strumpet who were on a few minutes ago singing about that country far. Casey and Haley are almost sexy, and they scat with reckless abandon. Its also the best Haley’s looked all season. Did they get new stylists tonight?

The judges are just falling (and foaming) all over themselves. They were not doing this with the two bumpkins. Steven Tyler is almost entertaining tonight, but we won’t hear him speak much else. (The results shows this seasons are almost welcome respites as we don’t seem to hear the judges much.)

That’s what I call whipping it out on stage.

Naturally, out of those 4, Haley is in the Bottom 3. I’m not even gonna recap all of it because you know the drill. Scotty is called to safety first. (He’s leading in votes every week. We know this.) Lauren is safe, I imagine because her friends and family have all bought 1000 cell phones. But Mama still found time to try combing out her weave and to bust out some off-the-shoulder PINK ZEBRA PRINT. If her daughter is wearing off-the-shoulder, she must wear off-the-shoulder. They also have the same skunk streaks. This is all very creepy.

Yes. I was too lazy to crop out the DVR mark and you need to see the PINK ZEBRA PRINT

Haley takes going to those uncomfortable stools in stride. I like this girl, I really do. Even if she sucked it up all over the magnificent Blondie last night. Hell, I’m even rooting for these two crazy young lovers.

Everyone thinks Pauly Whites McDonald is going home tonight but I could see Haley being sent to her Idol death. Girls don’t fare well on this show, ya know? Once there was a time when they did and well, those girls are still making records and money and well lookie here. The finest one of all is back on the show tonight.

But before we get to see Kelly Clarkson, we get to see Rob Reiner hang out with the kids. Yup. Rob Reiner. Meathead. I sincerely wonder if any of the contestants knew who Rob Reiner was before they were told he was coming to talk (pimp something) to them. He’s a big fan of the show and since he directs movies.

From Justin to Kelly…well this was a brilliant film that was overlooked…for political reasons at Oscar time.

Ok. I’m glad Meathead came over. I also think Casey Broflovski might have known who he was since I bet his parents played his movies. Casey wants to be the next Jack Black. Reiner thinks he should be Seth Rogan’s younger bass-playing video.

Thanks for listening to an old fat Jew.

Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean are gonna sing this duet about staying for a little while now. Kelly Clarkson, oh Kelly. You’re just so damn good. Is there really anyone who hates Kelly Clarkson? She’s sort of assumed that status, ya know? Now this Jason Aldean person might not have eyes. I can’t see anything for that damned hat. I’ve never heard this song before but hell, I might download it. I just like me some Kelly Clarkson. Nobody in this room has anything on Kelly Clarkson. Not Sunday School Strumpet. Especially not Jennifer Lopez and her casino drapes dress and Slave Leia-wannabe braid. What’s also fabulous about Kelly Clarkson is she will likely later Tweet about wearing Spankz or something. I like that Kelly Clarkson. She pees in the shower. She is REAL. REALLY TALENTED.

Kelly Clarkson is just awesome. I’m not so sure about this Jason Aldean guy. He looks like the lovechild of Stephen Baldwin and Rascal Flatts.

Why the hell do I want to see Cowboys & Aliens? I always assumed this was some stupid movie with Will Smith or something. But this sort of looks like good graphic novel fun and hell, that Olivia Wilde is just so damn pretty. Its a good thing she’s embarking on a film career now because this means no more Megan Fox.

Paul McDonald / Stefano Langone / Jacob Lusk / James Durbin
Sound of Silence / Mrs. Robinson

This sounds all sorts of iffy together but sometimes, yeah…I’ll admit it. Sometimes, I really do get a kick out of the genuine joy and enthusiasm James Durbin gets out of being on that stage. Jacob & Stefano harmonize kind of good on the opening of Mrs. Robinson. This part of the medley is much stronger than Sound of Silence, ironically which would have been better in all actuality than them singing…it.

(Groan. Pia Toscano is in the audience. She just can’t go home, can she?)

So who’s joining Haley on the cheap seats? James Durbin is not, but poor Stefano who can’t ever catch a break IS. Kind of undeserving in a way. Poor guy sang his heart & guts out last night. Jacob Lusk is not in danger this week but…Paul McDonald is. Oh noes. Could a boy actually go home tonight? We’ll find out after Rhianna — i.e., after I fast-forward through Rhianna. I’m just over her voice, ya know. And is this song called California Dreamin’? Was this a Katy Perry handmedown or something? This song was terribly dull and painful even by Rhianna standards. Couldn’t she have just busted out Pon de Replay or something?

(More old people who were big in the 70s and maybe 80s! Chaka Kahn & Anita Baker.)

Whoa. Haley is safe. Safe. That Casey Broflovski is mighty happy. The camera even flashes to him. Yeah…they’re schtupping.

Guess everyone was right. Boo. Paul McDonald has to go home. He’s taking it in stride, ya know? He’s cool. He’s gonna go back and hang out with his band before going on that crappy tour. And maybe departing this early will mean he’ll get fewer frauen? Oh. Who am I kidding? And this all kind of sucks, really, as there will be no more FUN DANCING on the show this season.

Because she hasn’t spoken yet tonight and this is HER show, naturally, teary-eyed Jennifer Lopez must request Maggie Mae one last time. Paul McDonald, well, he’s game. And this guy is gonna be just fine. Ain’t nothing gonna keep him from smiling.

Spread the word. Do it.

As much as I can’t stand La Lopez and disregard People Magazine, therefore laughing hysterically at this title of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, she actually does look fantastic tonight. But looking fantastic doesn’t mean you don’t SUCK EGGS.

WHY IS WILL.I.AM THERE AGAIN? Has he just joined the show and they have not announced it?

Paul McDonald
Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll

Pauly Whites is doing the Risky Business classic, but he’s traded in the tighty whities & Brooks Brothers for his crazy black rose garden suit. Paul is his typical crazy-dancing smiley self, but the real star of this performance is the gorgeous saxophone player. Paul might have a tamborine, but the sax player might be one of the most beautiful curious creatures to ever grace the Idol stage. Where did she come from?

Lauren Alaina
The Climb

You’re a much stronger singer than Miley Cyrus.

Oskar is a stronger singer than Miley Cyrus when he lets out his rebel yell during his post-shit runs from his box to my living room window. Your point? Actually, I don’t really mind Miley Cyrus’ voice. I’ve sounded like a pack-a-day smoker since I was 10. Will.why.is.he.here and Jimmy Iovine blow a bunch of smoke up Lauren’s ass, how she can steal other people’s votes, blah blah blah.

The only thing good I can say about Sunday School Strumpet tonight is that the skirt of her WHY THE HELL MUST YOU WEAR ZEBRA PRINT YOU ARE 16 dress is cute and makes her legs look better. How can she really screw this song up? Its not difficult and its got twang, and it was originally sung by a teenager. If it sounds like it was written for her, its only because its generic. Its called The Climb for chrissake. Wasn’t it for the film adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel or something? Has this girl ever once challenged herself? We know she hasn’t on the show, but I’m wondering about life in general at this point.

I will love Ryan Seacrest for the rest of the night only because he totally ripped on Mama Suddeth’s TORE UP HAIR. One time, my friend Party Paul got in a fight with this girl who parked in his spot in the WeHo building he and his husband Brett used to live in. It was a Sunday afternoon. He had had a few beers. Bitch got in his face and he ended up tearing out her weave. But I mean, come on, he didn’t rip that hard. It was just a cheap weave. I would like to see Party Paul rip out Mama Suddeth’s weave.

Stefano Langone
End of the Road

Poor Stefano. He’s performing near the dreaded middle and everyone’s gunning for him after last week’s non-shocking elimination. Poor Bottom 3 Stefano. Boyz II Men? I groan. It is not good at first, but Stefano, I gotta give him mad props. He gave it 110%. Gave it his all. Honestly, while its not a song I particularly care for, nor does I dig Stefano’s style…he really knocked it out of the park and for chrissake, I felt like he meant it. In a season where the judges are unable to give any sort of pertinent advice, Stefano is the one contestant who has actually taken some of the only actual criticism given this season and used it to become a better singer. This was better than last week, which had been his best performance to date. By golly, could Stefano go Top 5 just for peaking at the right time? When it comes down to it, America often does love those who seem to grow as singers throughout the competition.

Scotty McCreery
Cross My Heart

Scotty is going back to his country roots with the George Strait song from Pure Country. Not sure when Scotty ever left his country roots behind, did I miss an episode? Things I will not think about because the futility of receiving an answer: why Scotty McCreery holds the microphone all cock-eyed side face and why will.i.ever.leave is in every sing episode of American Idol.

Scotty sounds like he usually does and the judges love him. Clearly convinced Steven Tyler is on serious anti-depressants. He has a Laura Bush aura about him. Again, Scotty does what Scotty does and you’ve seen heard it before. But he seems like a nice kid. He’s probably gonna win this whole damn thing.

Casey Abrams
Nature Boy

The dude with gastrointestinal issues has some gnocchi alfredo named after him after some place called Cafe Aroma. I am sort of sad Casey Broflovski decided not to do Phil Collins’ In the Air Tonight. Jimmy Iovine is not pleased. How many leather jackets does Jimmy Iovine own? I bet hundreds. I’m sort of jealous. I love leather jackets.

Casey busts out the double bass again with this jazzy throwback. He basically admits to smoking weed in it. You saw the knowing smile during we smoked lots of things. I wonder if this is why they have the smoke machines going. I actually dig this performance. I’m not sure if it was standing ovation-worthy, but I enjoyed it. But naturally, when it goes to the judges, I tune them out because I would rather fixate on that rhinestone ultimate frisbee sitting atop La Lopez’s head.

Do the judges ever say anything bad? Randy’s talking about Casey Broflovski being a successful jazz artist, as well as brilliant and genius.

The world cannot live by pop stars alone.

Well for chrissake, of course not.

Dear Steven Tyler. It is nice your mother sang Nature Boy to you as a child, but I wish you were more entertaining. Wearing Joan Rivers’ hand-me-down blouses just ain’t cutting it.

I’m falling asleep, but I’ve been exhausted all damn day. Dude. After Casey Broflovski’s post-performance interview, I’ve decided he enters a trance after this shit. He’s almost transported to some weird realm. I guess its that sort of a high. I don’t know. I want to go to bed and I have zero musical ability.

Haley Reinhart
Call Me

Blondie. One of my all-time favorites. I have high hopes for Miss Reinhart tonight. Sadly, tonight Haley is all bluster and no bravado. I feel as if she may be hindered by the arrangement, the wedding-band-ness of it watering down Blondie’s awesome power. Oh Haley. How could you…? To BLONDIE? I’m sads. I was even gonna vote for you. I don’t want you to go home. Then Lauren Alaina is like, best girl of the season IN THEORY. (We all know that was Lauren Turner, anyway.) But I have a feeling Haley might be sent backing after that middling karaoke number.

[MUST SLEEP. BE BACK IN A FEW...WITH PICTURES, TOO]

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