Judges’ Choice

Randy chose Joshua’s first song, because they’re both black. Yup. You heard me. Randy calls Etta James’ I’d Rather Go Blind as “something of a classic on this show.” Translated into non-Randy speak = it’s one of the only [retro r&b] songs we have rights to that hasn’t been sung this season. Anyway, Sexy Sax Girl is doing her thing in the horn section. She’s the only blond so you cannot miss her. Joshua uses a color-coordinated retro-inspired mic which is pretty cool, as his the ensemble it matches. It’s a typical Joshua performance, he sings it like he was back in the gospel choir. La Lopez claims they STRUGGLE in choosing the right song for everyone while Steven Tyler rattles off whatever they told him to say in his typical unconvincing manner.

Smartly or somewhat coincidentally, Joshua’s performance leads into the new Kraft “Anything” Dressing ad from TBWA/Chiat Day. Which just happens to sound an awful lot like I’d Rather Go Blind.

Anyone else completely forget the names Erica van Pelt and DeAndre Brackensick? Because I totally did. But nice to see them and the other people (ELISE TESTONE).

Jennifer Lopez chose Jessica Sanchez’s song, Mariah Carey’s My All, because she thinks the world needs to see Clove sing something with tenderness. In reality, it’s because they are both female who only pledge allegiance to their respective Spanish-Colonial heritages when they need something. Oh, and PURE EVIL CANNOT BE TENDER.

Did you know Randy Jackson WORKS with Mariah Carey? He says its one of the best renditions of one of Mariah’s songs ever done on TV. The last bridge was excruciating and completely off-key. Like all of Jessica’s performance, this one is completely robotic and devoid of any legitimate emotion or comprehension of what she is singing about. To her, it is all vocal runs and octave jumping. Yet no one acknowledges this and Steven tells her she is going to be “the last one standing there.”

For Phil Phillips, Steven Tyler chose Madcon’s Beggin, which is the ONLY curiously interesting song of the evening. It’s a GOOD choice, even if we know how its going to pan out. (Naturally, Steven was responsible for P2′s “judge’s choice” because they are both white guys who once dabbled in rock & roll, and probably because a P2 performance is exactly like a Steven Tyler critique, the words might be different, but you always know what you’re gonna get.) With the exception of a job as an Aerosmith roadie (hello job security), this was probably the greatest gift Steven could give any contestant. As a WGWG, Phil is almost guaranteed victory, but the whiny fans of previous WGWGs calling for “a girl to win” and claiming Phil is “always the same” have me a little worried. But handing P2 a hip hop song when he’s in third position is always a surefire way to boost his chances. Nothing sets hearts aflutter like a WGWG turning a popular hip hop song into guitarama.

In several spots, Phil throws a bit more grit into his voice and shockingly, sounds less like Dave Matthews. He does strip out much of the melody but come on, you can still tell what he’s singing. He makes his constipated grunt-y faces so that’s all fun. And seems to actually be playing the guitar (Will always contend the show’s most skillful guitarist was Season 9′s Casey James). It eventually veers into DMB land, particularly the ending — leaving it open just seems very DMB, no? Do they do that in concert?

But this song did not offend me. Steven Tyler babbles something nonsensical and then tells P2 he wants him to write his own songs because he could be a “new age…[PAUSE] Boss.” Get this man on the bad stuff, someone, because he had more sanity and wiser judgment when he was on the sauce and whatever else. Phil Phillips, you’re not bad, kid, but you sure as hell should not be mentioned in the same breath as Bruce f**king Springsteen.

The judges fawn over Joshua and Phil, which is probably some ploy to score The Bad Seed more votes. So I can’t trust it. Nope. Never trust it. But IF there is any truth it in, it would be nice if people could just admit how unbelievably boring and unoriginal she is.

Contestants’ Choice / EVERYONE GETS KEYS TO THE CITY

Anyone else have the sudden urge to look through Joshua’s closet? No silly. But I guess I do see what I did there. I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS SPORTS JACKETS. But this is the good part, you see, because we get to see the contestants go home. Granted, I do not expect any of them to top the two most touching Homecomings in American Idol history — Eliot and Mama Yamin is untouchable, but Kris Allen quietly uttering don’t cry mama, does sit comfortably in second place. ‘Tis always better to be from Small Town America when you’re on American Idol. After going from private jet to cop-escorted limo, Joshua muses that his town is treating him like Barack Obama.

Joshua gets to attend the Sheriff’s Crawfish Boil, which in all honesty, is probably one of the cooler things contestants have ever attended. After being feted with crawfish, JOSH then puts on his Sunday Finest because we’re going to his family’s church. His gregarious preacher Dad appears to share a simliar respect for the sharp sports jacket. It is a tiny ramshackle church, one even a non-believer can dig — especially after all the goddamned megachurches paraded about on this shit show — even if I’m about 99.9% positive they speak in tongues when cameras are not around. Joshua brings his beloved niece with him in that Ford Mustang convertible throughout town. Here’s hoping One-Eyed Wanda got a good shot for her Instagram!

Joshua then performs James Brown in a packed arena and there are fireworks, but I’m too giddy thinking about One-Eyed Wanda. Time to go back to LA! To the Swaybots! To the Idol stage! To sing his choice — John Lennon’s Imagine. I’m never going to buy a Joshua Ledet album. But as I’ve said throughout the season, this kid better not ever have a career where he is not singing. Imagine lends itself to easy-listening gospel quite well, but I do prefer Joshua at his James Brown best. And yes folks, even I felt a bit warm & fuzzy inside seeing his BFF Hollie Cavanaugh cheer him on from the audience. THEY WILL BE REUNITED ON THE TOUR! NO TEARS!

Gotta admit, I am looking forward to Jessica Sanchez’s homecoming bit. BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO RIFE WITH EVERYTHING I LOATHE. Plus with her being in a San Diego suburb called Chula Vista, she’s never going to have the reception of her rivals. Because people just don’t care in California.

I know that when I was at home, I was homeschooled…and like, I didn’t have, like, a lot friends…and I was like, a dork and no one liked me…and this time guys were chasing my car.

Listen sweetheart, you’re 16. Your social life should pretty much be your high school. And if you’re homeschooled and no one likes you, then you pretty much just are the scourge of suburban humanity. And frankly, who wants to see this girl sing, I just want to see her assessment tests. This kid can’t have more than a 6th grade education. Anyway, since she’s from a hop, skip, and a jump from LA, she gets to ride on a helicopter, not a lear jet. And then she hangs out in the empty stadium where she auditioned (HA) and the Padres play so she can see her name on the Jumbotron. They somehow packed the Chula Vista Ampitheater, but she doesn’t sing and only seems to stop by, so I assume they were all there for…something else. SOMETHING LIKE THE CHANNEL 933 SUMMER KICKOFF CONCERT! Clove’s family pretends to be happy she’s home, but they look all sad and depressed — especially her little brothers.

Somehow, Idol rounded up some people to stand on the street for a Jessica parade. No idea why this all commenced at a high school since homegirl does not attend high school and likely reads at a 4th grade level (Hey, if you can show me where her parents could actually teach in an accredited educational institution, I’ll retract that statement. Until then…). Naturally, Jessica gets off on being fawned over because this is how she um, this is her life blood. She gets a Jessica Sanchez Day in Chula Vista and then gets to hang out on a Navy ship not because they needed to put all of her fans in one place, but because her father is in the Navy. (Her father also looks around my age…this scares me.) Thank you for serving our country, Mr. Sanchez. Sorry I loathe your offspring. I’m sure her little brothers are good kids.

While Jessica Sanchez sings Aerosmith’s own I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing — HER CHOICE!!! HER CHOICE!!! Can we throw her off now because she CHOSE that song?! — I will take solace in the image burned into my retinas of Idol’s version of Patsy & Edina.

What goes through Jennifer Lopez’s mind whenever she hears this song? Does she think about Benny Boy, aka the one that got away? Does Steven think about his daughter? How his daughter made that movie and helped end Bruce & Demi’s marriage. SEE?! Armageddon is a very special part of our cultural fiber. Oh yeah, The Bad Seed belts it out without any emotion. If you heard that on the radio, you would turn it off out of boredom. And that final note? Not good — she cracked in the middle. JLo thinks it sent people into the heavens. When was the last time you ever heard these alleged judge people ever offer real criticism?

When we visit Leesburg, Georgia for Philip Phillips’ homecoming, where a throng of people are actually waiting at the airport for him. I assume during the in between time before a daylight pawn shop visit, he had a conjugal visit with his girlfriend. He also gets a cheese fries dish at his favorite restaurant named after him — which is a surefire omen you’re gonna win American Idol, just ask Kris Allen. Phillip Sr. and mom Sheryl are  too damn adorable. Phil is visibly moved. Tears. TEARS. Come on, Sanchez, you were raised on this show. You should know the best way to pander for votes during homecoming is to CRY.

P2′s homecoming and adorable parents are almost enough for me to forgive him for turing a Disease, a Matchbox 20 song into a Dave Matthews Song, which is essentially the same as turning shit into sewage. Sexy Sax Girl is there — who wants to bet she ends up releasing an album all post-modern Candy Dulfer? But Sexy Sax Girl, sexy as she may be, isn’t really doing Phil Phillips any favors. Because she increases the DMB quotient. JLo, Steven, and Randy decide to actually criticize Phil for not MAKING IT A MOMENT. Uh, when the hell has Jessica Sanchez ever MADE A MOMENT? Ballad after ballad…even Joshua tends to do the same thing week after week.

Is Heejun Han just making faces because they lambasted P2? Maybe. Bigger question is WHY THE HELL IS COLTON DICKS-ON-A-STICK WEARING A DAMNED PINAFORE? Is he One-Eyed Wanda’s beard?

Jimmy Iovine’s Choice

Jimmy chose Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama for Joshua, which seems like a fairly safe and adept choice. And hell, any song that samples The Young & The Restless theme song, ya know? Joshua’s sparkly shoulders are a departure of sorts from his sharp sports jackets, but they catch the light a lot when you bounce around in fog. Whenever I see anyone bouncing on the Idol stage, I miss Skylar Laine. NOW JOSHUA IS STRIPPING AND TRYING TO WAKE UP HIS LEFT LEG. It must’ve fallen asleep. BFF Hollie is going crazy in the audience. (Again, I am touched) Damn, she is super tiny next to that baseball pitcher’s daughter who was on the show for like 2 minutes and wow, how did I recall the name Jeremy Rosado after all this time?

Personally, I would have picked something maybe more dynamic for Joshua, although this was a better fit than Imagine — but then again, he should not have been criticized for showing restraint when frankly, these people should be trying to show different facets of their talent. But you can’t win. You do something different, you weren’t that great. You do essentially the same song, you’re one-dimensional. You’re Jessica Sanchez doing a pathetic adult contemporary ballad every week, you’re akin to Whitney Houston. Don’t pretend any of it has any rhyme or reason.

Jessica pretends to be surprised when a box from AT&T arrives with a Beats by Dre speaker and matching Droid. The same setup in the oft-aired Jordan Sparks commercial. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE IDOL. Jimmy text her I’ll Be There by the Jackson 5. He wants to show people how young she is while still allowing her to resonate with older viewers. Groan. We are also told she is a child with the silhouette amusement park graphics aglow in the background. I’m tired. This is BORING. Boring. Randy is even bitching about there not being a moment-moment-moment and name checks Mariah again. Ok P2. It’s up to you. It’s yours to lose at this point.

P2 gets the Jordan Sparks package and all I know is that I really hope these kids get iPhones, too. Well, except for Clove. She needs a Droid in hot pink. But homegirl is really just a T-Mobile Sidekick when you come down to it. Yes, yes. I know I keep complaining about that kid. I’ll stop! [When she goes home.]

Jimmy wisely selects Bob Segar’s We’ve Got Tonight for Phil Phillips. Wait. Close your eyes. Who is this person? Who is singing?! It’s not Dave Matthews! It’s melodic. When it counted, P2 just sang when he needed to sing. And now there really is no doubt on who’s going to win.

Not just because I can’t stand the kid, but Jessica’s second position + lack of any real emotion during her performances or homecoming are what is going to do her in. Finally. It’s going to be a Phil vs. Joshua finale whether you like it or not. And please oh please oh please may those two not be forced to duet on Michael Jackson’s Black Or White.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight Kris Allen performs his latest single A Vision Of Love, which is not a Mariah Carey cover. It seems Nigel Lythgoe and company also decided to be charitable and HOLY HELL THERE IS TAYLOR HICKS. Somewhere in the back of a paint store, Lee DeWyze patiently waits patiently for his invite.

Last night, 53 million votes were cast. While I did not catch the show because I was busy doing some DIY costume for a party this weekend — I don’t usually do this sort of thing — a realization occurred to me. Why is Hollie Cavanaugh always safe? Bingo. She lives in Texas.

Everyone sings Dancing In The Streets. More and more, I just love this Skylar Laine. As much as I like the fact Jessica Sanchez was totally muffled during her solo. The buckets are nice. Guys who play the buckets are the only ones I ever give money to when I’m walking down the street.

Poor Skylar Laine ALWAYS has to have that Colton Dixon grinding up on her all snake-like as per the producers whims. They also tried to smother The Parent Trap Girl with balloons but she survived. Sanchez is pissed! Sanchez has already bitched her parents out for not moving to some small town in Texas.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO TIME
This has something to do with tripping acid at The Joshua Tree and seeing yourself as an astrological sign. Poor Joshua Ledet looked up and discovered he was SANJAYA. Oh the humanity!

Seacrest asks Hollie something and she starts talking American but then trails off into some sort of semi-Britness. But nice romper! Oh how I love rompers. Tina Fey, if you ever read this blog, btw, please have Joshua Ledet on an episode of 30 Rock where he’s a Tracy Jordan doppelganger. Ok thanks. Anyway, Seacrest calls the both of them up first because they’re BFF and he likes torturing people. Now I’m pretty glad I did not hear Hollie’s Son Of A Preacher Man because it did nothing for me. That’s just not a nice girl song.

Jimmy Iovine is pimping the DRE BEATZ for no explicable reason. Jimmy prefers Joshua to Hollie. I hope he backs this up when Joshua gets booted and gets the guy a record album. But it won’t be this week because shockingly, Joshua is NOT in the Bottom 3. But Hollie is! Texas! You need to keep voting! Hollie has tough-looking family members who will kick your ass. They are not pleased.

Is anyone else bothered by these “Bad Idea” Verizon ads because they completely ripped off the “Bad Idea Jeans” commercial from 1980s SNL?

Before Kris Allen takes the stage, Ryan Seacrest talks to Taylor Hicks. Hicks is tanner than Seacrest. He announces he will be in Vegas this summer. Seacrest mutters something about that’s where Tay Tay belongs. All of it is a bit awkward.

Oh Kris Allen…please don’t get dizzy. They’re spinning you and your piano around pretty fast and I’m worried you might throw up. I also want to smack the person in charge of social media as they are completely incapable of creating a proper hashtag.

Kris Allen is one of my all-time favorite contestants. Kid is a true musician. So please oh please oh please can’t his label start letting him make music that isn’t like, The Fray Revisited? I just can’t get excited over A Vision Of Love even though I like his falsetto. If you see this guy and his band play live, they have a good amount of actual BITE. They can jam. They can have fun. American Idol has always had such a problem with Kris Allen being out and proud with his fun self, ya know? Even three years later, they’re trying their damnest to make him the earnest one. They’re even trying to spin him to the point of dizzy exhaustion before he gets off his rotating stage.

Colton Dixon is faux-brooding during Allen’s performance which is bizarre but understandable since Dixon only wants you to liken him to Daughtry and David Cook. He’s some sort of uh, purist…

Now up to Skylar Laine and Elise Testone. This is gonna be easy, ya know? Skylar has built up too much momentum + she’s got a strong country base. I don’t want to see either of these two girls go home. I don’t recall seeing another female contestant on this show come in with such a commanding FUN stage presence as Skylar Laine. Carrie Underwood sang like a damned stroke victim every week. Elise is screwed because JLo said GOOSIES. Sort of feel like the Alicia Keys song was also pandering. Alicia Keys is just soooo, soooooo, sooooo packaged to be karaoke-d on the American Idol stage.

Jimmy thinks Elise is going to be “spending some time in her vacation home in the bottom 3.” He also said something about Let’s Get It On triggering a baby boom but uh, I thought that was about 20 years beforehand. Elise is just about out of here, which is a shame because she’s got a fantastic voice. Skylar needs to just keep building this momentum because she CAN make the Top 3. And when she’s still standing there and Jessica Sanchez is sent home, I will clap in the privacy of my own living room. Jimmy Iovine says she’s the best performer on the show — who doesn’t wholeheartedly concur?

Seacrest sends Elise to the Bottom 3 which pretty much means she’s going home…The entire send off to the uncomfortable stools was just so damn ominous. Will she? Won’t she? It’s time for LMFAO!

Since LMFAO is just the sons of Motown who decided to make a parody act + last night’s soul theme, I suppose it is apt for a Dick Clark tribute from Ryan Seacrest at this point in the show. He’s already writing his tribute piece for EW’s end of the year issue, no doubt. And Seacrest, really? Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve is the Dick Clark-ness closest to our hearts? Question: Has anyone ever enjoyed Rockin’ Eve outside of a childhood nostalgia context?

I don’t buy the faux-sniffle-tear move, JLo, not one bit. Now can someone tell me if LMFAO sings anything other than Party Rocking? But they might be doing it acoustic or something because it sounds completely different without the autotune. Like are all their songs called Party Rocking? That’s a pretty funny joke if its true. They should do that! They’re just parodying the Black Eyed Peas, right? In that case, they really DO deserve a BETTER HASHTAG. Although they did capitalize Idol this time around — sorry Kris Allen, as you do have a handful of butt-hurt fans who will internalize this, and you still have those passive-aggressive Glamberts still following your each & every move and they’ll point this out all passive-aggressively in the comments section at MJs or in the headache-inducing (Who does UX for Sony? Call them for me, too.) AdamOfficial.com. (In reality, someone just made a typo when they did the chryon. Don’t hurt them! Don’t send them black eyeliner and For Your Entertainment, either. )

Does American Idol even realize that you DO NOT HAVE TO HASHTAG EVERY INSTANCE OF THE SHOW? Perhaps this is an “easy way” to measure what people are talking about but you’re not going to get clear metrics because most Twitter users will completely disregard this hashtag. You’re forcing people to just load up 140 characters with annoying hashtags rather than simply using a tool to discern sentiment of your existing tweets mentioning the show. With all the money this show makes, purchasing software that pulls this information should be exceedingly simple. Aren’t you more curious to see what people are saying about your show outside of the hashtag — also considering some of these hashtags literally have a lifespan of about 20 minutes total. Keep your #telljimmy. That works. That’s weekly. Not a huge fan but at least you are consistent and sometimes I do use it. If you’re going to introduce an a secondary hashtag, that one is solid.

Seriously. You are American Idol. You might suck but you are still somewhat of a slick money-making machine with millions of viewers every week. You should have an effective social media strategy in play. Creating numerous hashtags for a single show should not be part of said strategy.

LMFAO is either a Black Eyed Peas tribute band or an actual parody act. Still not sure.

It is now down to Colton, Phil Phillips, and Jessica Sanchez. Regardless of how few people voted for her, Clove won’t be in the Bottom 3 after last week’s overwrought [see: staged] save. With the exception of Sexy Sax Girl on P2′s In the Midnight Hour, the whole thing kind of sucked, especially this misuse of classic neon signage in the background. Colton Dixon should just be sent home immediately for turning Bad Romance into a Daughtry B-Side and turning Earth, Wind & Fire into a David Cook number. All of his performances sound alike just as Phil’s do, just admit it.

Naturally, Jessica Sanchez did Alicia Keys’ Fallin‘ and she wore her hair wavy in a pathetic attempt to appear more relatable. Jimmy says he just now realized Clove is singing songs too old her for — really? Really? YOU JUST NOW CAUGHT THAT? After she sang a beyond tired Alicia Keys song about loving a man in prison? (Didn’t an 8-year-old David Archuleta also sing this song on Star Search?) Just now? Not after Whitney Houston’s ode to letting a lover go? Not after…all of Jessica Sanchez’s performance?

Jessica Sanchez has likely never sang an “age-appropriate” song because no one does that for pageants. Of course Jessica is safe. As is…Phil Phillips!! Colton Dixon, you are in the BOTTOM 3!!! Jesus does not like you as much as you thought, buddy! Because Jesus doesn’t like Daughtry music.

Maybe there IS a Flying Spaghetti Monster because Elise is NOT IN THE BOTTOM 2! Colton could go home! Colton could go home! A week ago, people were proclaiming him the winner and that P2 lost steam. Hahahahahahahahaha. Not happening, but as Idol will do anything to proclaim a female the winner, I buy anything they allege counted by Price-Waterhouse to be an absolute sham. Colton has been too damn cocky and he winks at the audience. People get freaked out when a rooster winks at them without a context. Perhaps people get tired of the cocky eye-f**king ones around this time.

Colton’s poor sister Schyler is in the audience crying, when she should be jumping for joy after all the times this show shit on her. Colton looks shocked and pissed. He apologizes for “not being himself last night.” Oh come on. You were too cocky. And you called your fans #messengers. I am not sorry you um, are leaving in SEVENTH PLACE.

Skylar Laine is flat-out thrilled right now because she doesn’t have to worry about you dry humping her leg until the last show of the season. Poor Hollie is sobbing because she has no idea how the hell she’s still there. All the while Colton Dixon leaves us on his knees, pleading with America to make him the next…Daughtry.

Spread the word. Do it.

How do you find the strength?

Oh please.

To carry on

Free clothes.

When your friends leave

Assuming everyone likes each other again…

One by one?

At least Jessica Sanchez Clove hasn’t killed anyone…yet

Have you noticed they’re STICKING THEM IN ELEVATORS now?

Remember the people…

Hometown shots

You’re singing for. 

Can I just turn this shit off now? Jennifer Lopez is preening in her Evil Queen costume–begging for the role in a 3rd Snow White adaptation, Colton Dixon looks smug [and Jesus hates smug], and then the Small Wonder Model 5.0 Jessica Sanchez is dressed like Diahann Carroll during her season on Dynasty. DOMINIQUE DEVAREAUX IS NOT PLEASED. We’re subjected to what happens when creepy uncle Tommy Hilfiger just happens to be in the neighborhood so he drops by to tell all the Idols how GREAT they looked last week–BUT they have to be aware of what they’re wearing OFF STAGE. (Even your most crowd-pleasing drag queen would tell these people TOO MANY SEQUINS.) All of this because we have TWO FRAKING HOURS OF PRIMETIME TELEVISION to kill.

American Idol, you’re not killing off contestants. Just primetime television.

That Seacrest Dude announces everyone is singing songs from 2010 through today, because you know, this is really just a really important era in music history. When the pop historians of a century from now look back, they’re gonna say these 2 years defined a generation. Because of this, Akon is Jimmy Iovine’s partner-in-crime tonight. SHOUT OUT ST. LOUIS ST. LUNATICS!!!

ZOMG NOW THE CONTESTANTS FANS HAVE HASHTAGS!

#SKOUTLAWS Skylar Laine
Didn’t Know How Much I Loved You
Did these kids have a say in this shit? We’re taken back to whatever small southern town Skylar hails from where her pepaw promises that when she gets home, they’re gonna kill a really big deer.  Anyway, I love Skylar Laine AND SHE PLAYS GUITAR. She sounds great and its a great song for her voice. She’s pretty much the country singer I’ve always wanted on this show. She doesn’t play the bimbo bumpkin card. She just IS. And I love it when she bounces around on stage. She’s not bouncing around tonight, but she does get fire and some HUNGER GAMES backdrop because this show is RELENTLESS.

All of my happiness is gone once Randy Jackson busts out wheelhouse. Just because that’s sort of what happens whenever Randy says wheelhouse. And then I get REALLY sad when I look up what song she sang and its some Kellie Pickler — perhaps my least-favorite female Idol contestant of all time — ditty. Whatevs. Skylar probably did it totes better than Pickler. Steven Tyler mumbles out something about the crows crowing but its the hens who deliver the goods. Making him do the barely-legal rhyming lust thing is his role on panel, in case you didn’t figure it out yet.

#MESSENGERS Colton Dixon
Love The Way You Lie 
Let’s stop right here. #MESSENGERS??! #MESSENGERS??! Who does this cock-headed cocky-ass prince of schlock who wouldn’t even be permitted to lick Nickelback and Creed’s shoes think he is? (Ok. Maybe he would.) THE GODDAMNED MESSIAH? Oh yeah. Probably. Just because your name is on the marquee at a Wendy’s in Murfreesboro, TN doesn’t mean shit, kiddo. And just because some frau made their toddler grandson spike his hair up for the camera doesn’t mean shit. Colton says that one week, it’s gonna come down to Philip and him and one of them will have to go home — which essentially means you know this cocky prick assumes he’s going to the finale.

I thought he was gonna be singing the Rhianna-Eminem song. And he is, I just do not remember the part about angels. Does he know what this song is about? Usually, I’m all for “making a song your own” but this turns what is arguably one of Rhianna’s stronger singles as of late into a garbage FAITH + 1 remake even if you omit the fog machines and small orchestra from your field of vision. And when the Cock Messiah emerges from the piano, he wears a look of smugness pleading with the judges and the audience to just give him the title and the keys to his Ford.

DUET: Elise Testone & Phil Phillips — Someone That I Used To Know
This name-making Goyte track is awesome, sadly, it was also just sung on Glee last night.  Elise endears himself to me because she’s been in bad relationships and well, most girls on the show as of late probably haven’t been in any relationship that lasted longer than the space between Homecoming and Prom. Oh yeah, she also has the best voice.

Truth be told, both Phil and Elise start off pretty damn rough and I’m distracted by Elise’s sequined mini paired with the fringed-anklet stilettos. That combo makes anyone under 5’9″ look squat. Things get a little better once they move away from their respective mic stands and well frankly, besides Skylar Laine and perhaps Joshua Ledet, these two are the only relatively marketable contestants in the competition.

The judges are judging the duets now with extensive “critique” but its more or less to talk out of their asses.

#BLUJAYS Jessica Sanchez
Stuttering
I have no idea who Jazmine Sullivan is, but if Jessica Sanchez Clove is singing it, you can already imagine what its gonna sound be — an emotionless power ballad. At what point in the music industry did people decide vocals without feeling are A-OK as long as you get the big notes, just because people will probably be dumb enough to assume big notes = authenticity.

People back in Chula Vista chant BeBeChez and Clove plays up her Pinoy-ness to guarantee votes. Even Jimmy Iovine doesn’t know this Stuttering song. Akon thinks Clove can be a big star after you feed her a few hamburgers. As much as Jessica tries to be a demure teenager, when she opens her mouth about how confident she feels about the song, the gig is up. This kid is a vicious, cold-blooded socio-sing-o-path.

Clove sits atop a white piano and ably sings some throwaway R&B number that sounds like every other throwaway R&B number. The most notable part of the teenage robot’s performance is that at one point, she literally does the robot. OH! And that she almost falls off the piano when she goes to sit down at the end. She too emerges with a shit-eating grin, eagerly waiting to lap up all the judges’ praise aka Randy dropping names and “knowledge” and refer to her as a fish slayer. Jennifer Lopez actually holy shit, is completely spot on with everything she says and I can’t believe I’m seeing it, except for the part about wanting to have her take us on a ride and watch it, and oh, not being more blunt about the fact that well, homegirl is an evil singing robot. (And should 16-year-old girls really be wearing those shoes? Perhaps its the Cache top combo that’s completely ruining it for me. Oh yeah. And that Jessica is an evil singing robot, that too.)

From Fantasia to Mantasia, happy birthday!

FANTASIA! Happy birthday, Joshua! Now can we quit it with these Situation Room maps when “going back” to the contestants’ hometowns?

#JJEWELS Joshua Ledet
Runaway Baby
Joshua busting out a Bruno Mars song. Joshua busting out a NON-BALLAD. Oh let’s do this thing. Joshua has, as Randy would say, MAD VOCALS. So let’s see him do something different and as you expected, it works. If Joshua doesn’t have a solid career as a working musician once this show is over, then all is right in the world. Like most contestants, he may not ever be a household name but this kid, well, this kid needs to be doing something. Because he does it well.

Also: Joshua’s father is a preacher. A preacher named Nathaniel. Seeing him makes me smile. And I guess he’s okay with the go-go dancer or something.

DUET: Colton Dixon & Skylar Laine — Don’t You Wanna Stay
American Idol desperately wants people to talk about something and since Phil’s kidney stones aren’t newsworthy anymore so they’ve tried to manufacture a Colton-Skylar romance. Skylar is way too good for that and Colton jokes he wouldn’t date her because she owns a gun.

They’re no Blake Shelton or Kelly Clarkson but I would probably clap really loudly for them if I was in a bar and they were doing this karaoke and hell, I just love Skylar as much as I detest Colton for his Christ-flavored smugness. Steven Tyler says they just made love singing to each other. Skylar looks horrified. Randy is the only one who approaches any sort of honesty but throwing out a patented it was just ok for me. And then they rag on Skylar and call her pitchy and tell her she’s no Kelly Clarkson.

Hollie Cavanaugh doing PINK??? Ok. This may be worth watching just for the utter ridiculousness.

#HOLLIEPOPS Hollie Cavanaugh
Perfect
Hollie is now British again and some crazy baker lady made Hollie Pops which are chocolate stars that look yummy and Hollie descends further into a British accent and I am utterly confused. Her parents are British. She has family in England. And her accent just comes and goes kind of like Colin Farrell in his early films. I sort of prefer uber-British Hollie more than regular old boring Hollie. And then I see her up on stage with some WGWG looking all Carrie Underwood-like and I’m kind of like oh Hollie, you’re still probably boring.

If Hollie was gonna sing Pink, it would have to be slowed down and with an acoustic guitar. But damn, did she really deserve the giganormous spinning gold roses in the background?  Sadly, Hollie basically borings up/down a serviceable Pink song and makes it more Xtina Beautiful (Please don’t shoot me but I hate that song) and now I just want to go to sleep even if Hollie busted out an obvious glory note in the end.

Jesus. Even JLo decides its time to play the much-missed Paula Abdul by opening with Hollie, you look beautiful tonight. Ouch. And then she tells her that she knows she’s fighting and well, she’s rooting for her. Steven tells her she doesn’t have to be perfect but it fell flat and well, she looks beautiful. Silence. Randy tells her it was a huge improvement over last week but she was still missing some feeling. Even Ryan reassures her she was better than last week. (Was she that bad last week? Or was she just standard Hollie bland? Missed it.)

Damn, The Parent Trap Twin From Britain who showed up at camp tonight, even I feel kind of bad for you. They played the Paula card.

#PHILATICS Phil Phillips 
Give A Little More 
Going back to Georgia means we can go back to the pawn shop while the theme to Sanford & Son plays. People (i.e., batshit crazy frauen) keep trying to Phil’s guitars and pickup truck. Phil is doing a Maroon 5 song, which will be the second song from a judge from The Voice tonight. Jimmy keeps pitching a Phil vs. Colton battle because they’re similar the two white dudes. Phil2 makes this a a Phil2 song and OMG SEXY SAX GIRL IS BACK!!! Remember Sexy Sax Girl from last season? Why isn’t Sexy Sax Girl a household name yet? She can make anyone who remember the name Candy Dulfer forget the name Candy Dulfer. Holy Hell. I can’t believe I pulled Candy Dulfer’s name from my asshole.

Steven says they’ve watched him evolve which I think is funny, hell, he says evolve twice. Phil will win this damn thing but evolve? How has he evolved? Phil still took a song and made it into a Dave Matthews Song. And how the fuck does JLo think he could be the lovechild of Steve McQueen and Johnny Cash? JLo actually says some useful stuff but does it in a JLo way so I still want to slap her but yeah, Phil2, come on dude. Pony the f**k up. Messiah of Smug Colton is gaining on you and there are actually people who want Evil Singing Robot Sanchez to win “because we need a girl winner.” Come on. No one should care about the show that much at this point. And American Idol will have its 1000th WGWG winner! DEAL WITH IT.

But yeah, P2, step up your game dude. Can’t have that smug-tastes-like-Jesus WGWP win the whole shebang.

DUET: Hollie Cavanaugh, Joshua Ledet, and Jessica Sanchez — Stronger
Hollie and Joshua are best friends and it is cute and Jessica is the self-described “third wheel.” Instead of being cute, this just comes makes Jessica come off as even more of a bitch. Once again evoking the Goddess Kelly Clarkson, this is pretty much a chance for the big belters to belt out big notes. Fashion-wise, Joshua looks fab and Hollie looks better than usual in something youthful and age appropriate. Evil Singing Third Wheel Robot is wearing something designed for a botox-ed cougar who does a lot of pilates. It also seems as if she’s intentionally throwing off the harmony in some evil sneaky singing robot way, but perhaps I’m just grasping for a conspiracy but Clove is definitely attempting to steal the show, forcing Joshua to overcompensate by singing louder and harder. He’s just defending his BFF from evil singing robot!

(Did Hollie make a joke about doing crack? If she did, then she gets the first ever La Princessa del Mariachi I’m Don’t Cut Myself Award for AWESOMENESS.)

#THEELITES Elise Testone
You And I
Jason Segal has never seen American Idol this season but Ryan Seacrest got him to awkwardly lie via video and tell Elise he’s a big fan, which is kind of nice, I think. Elise kind of rolls with the terrible awkwardness of it all. Back at home, Elise has hipster Charleston friends who make hipster videos about how one should vote for her! And a local bar names drinks after her. And Elise wants to play the drums, even if Jimmy Iovine and Akon tell her NO WAY CHICA.

So Elise won’t be playing drums on her Gaga redeux, but the piano. (I missed her bad performance last week) Elise has done better and there are several times tonight where she’s come off partially defeated, partially begging to get her off this shit show. But Elise finds her way, bobbing and weaving, she finds her voice and finds her way. She even finds her smile. Singing in the coveted last spot — the last time I recall a contestant getting booted singing last was Siobhan Magnus — perhaps she has little to worry about.

And Randy throws out a ELISE WELCOME BACK. So you know, and JLo gives a very false I love her and then throws out some relevant stuff and pretty much admits the reason Elise closes or opens the show more often than anyone else is because she’s that good. IDOL YOU LIED TO ME YOU TOLD ME THEY DREW FOR THIS TO SOME EXTENT. Nah, I don’t think you did but you tried to do that a few times, don’t even play.

Sweet. This is finally over. And in the final performance recaps…wow, giving P2 crap about making every song sound like Dave Matthews feels all sorts of wrong when Colton Dixon makes everything sound like a Daughtry song. Yikes. Now that’s the beginning of a game of Kill-Marry-Screw, ain’t it?

See you tomorrow, the night we bid farewell to Hollie Cavanaugh, aka The Parent Trap Twin From London. Even if she switches places with her American twin, she’s still going home. Sorry, Hollie! I don’t want to see Joshua cry, either.

(Ok. La Lopez. Shut up. All judges. Shut up. American Idol. MAKE THIS SHOW AN HOUR AGAIN.)

Spread the word. Do it.

But again with the hour. Does this really have to be an hour? What’s wrong with a slow, quick death?

Out of curiosity, do you think Aerosmith ticket sales will be a bit underwhelming due to Steven Tyler’s milquetoast American Idol judge persona? This exchange with Seacrest, I mean, come on, can’t Steven talk about whipping some of these contestants? At least the ones over 18?

Poor Deandre. I just look at this poor kid and want to drive him home myself. I’ll buy him a soda and a burger at some off-road diner and we can just chat about things. This kid just looks scared. I guess it was nice they brought out Eric Benet to hang out with him for a few minutes. Hmmm…Eric Benet is kind of hot. Can see why he was getting so much ass on the side when he was with Halle Berry. Not that it makes it okay, but you know, he’s still kind of hot.

FORD COMMERCIAL FOLLIES
Apparently you put a lot of non-digital televisions in the back of those Ford hatchbacks. I know they’re crying, I Wanna Rock, but this isn’t very rocking. Because it’s an Idol “Ford Commercial” that won’t be seen much after well, now.

IDOLS MOVING IN TO MANSION MONTAGE TO LANA DEL REY
Once they hit the Top 10, all the contestants were moved into a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. It even has its own hashtag — #idolmansion, natch. (Last night, they were trying to make #myidol happen.) This is definitely an upgrade from past manses. This truly says LA. I would think it was an ANTM setup except there are now floor to ceiling photos of Tyra Banks, although color me shocked JLo didn’t ask for such treatment. Throughout this little dealio, Jessica Sanchez Clove continues to show zero personality. Watch out, kids. She may try and drown one of you guys in that nice-ass pool.

Elise Testone / Phil Phillips / Hollie Cavanaugh
In case you were wondering even though I know you were not: Elise Testone DID NOT sing Whole Lotta Love because Adam Lambert once did it. She’s barely watched the show. I love you, Katniss. TWO REASONS I LOVE HER EVEN MORE. Why this was even asked is just…JESUS CHRIST IDOL. Going overboard on the hashtags. Now we have #telljimmy. Anyway, next’s weeks theme is The 80s. What’s funny about this Group of 3 is that come on, the only one who should be in the Bottom 3 is Hollie Cavanaugh.

Score a point for me in that Idol pool I’m in! Foxface is obviously in the Bottom 3.

Nicki Minaj
For some inexplicable reason, I sort of like Nicki Minaj. Her songs are kind of fun and she can rap. The bright ‘n’ sometimes bizarre wardrobe is cheeky fun, and feels much less forced than say, Katy Perry’s “persona.” She also seems like she can laugh at herself and doesn’t possess the self-rightous sex-potness of Rhianna, nor is she holier-than-thou like Beyonce. She seems to possess the seemingly friendly nature of Lady Gaga without the deity complex. Nicki Minaj just seems like a good egg.

Colton Dixon / Joshua Ledet / Heejun Han
We get it, Colton. We get it. YOU LOVE JESUS. AND DAUGHTRY. YOU LOVE JESUS AND DAUGHTRY. Thank you, Jimmy, for calling this emotive-face-making fundie out on something. No wonder Jimmy Iovine gets so much screen time. He’s the only person actually CRITIQUING these people. It’s gonna be Joshua or Heejun joining Hollie on the cheap chairs. You say, Joshua? No way! Come on. You know how this show works and Joshua is an African-American man. He’ll only be around for a few more weeks. If Idol really wanted a female to win, they would stack the decks with black males. These are the people who vote for American Idol. They do not vote for men of color. It is a sad, sad, truth.

(Also, I just wanted to post this bad boy again.)

But Joshua lives another day. As I also predicted, Heejun is sent to the chairs. I actually call a Bottom 2 with Hollie and Deandre, so let’s hope Heejun will live another week — you know the “judges” won’t try and save him.

Scotty McCreery
I’ve always thought Scotty seemed like a nice kid with a good head on his shoulders. And he will likely have a decent career in the country realm. This song? For contemporary mainstream country, it’s solid. It’s a bit of a throwback of sorts to the country I remember of the mid-90s, the Tim McGraw and Toby Keith heydeys, perhaps. And that’s good because yes, I can admit that I do like a few of those songs. Scotty’s voice is perfect for that sort of pleasant good-old-but-not-bad-boy twang. But I really just want to hear him do a little Baby Lock Them Doors. Please? Please oh please oh please? Can he do it when he chit chats with Seacrest after his performance?

YES BUT NO. Seacrest sings it. Scotty does not. Seacrest kind of ruined it. Scotty would have sang it. I know he would have sang it. Jimmy come out with Scotty McCreery’s PLATINUM RECORD. When was the last time they were able to do that on American Idol? Nice job, Scotty. I hope this also means you bagged that nice young teacher you invited to the finale last year. You ARE 18 now.

Skylar Laine / Deandre Brackensick / Jessica Sanchez
Another reason to like Skylar Laine: When asked which former Idol contestants’ music she would sing, she did not answer Carrie Underwood. Skylar answered Crystal Bowersox and Bucky Covington. Skylar Laine, you are my favorite-ever country singing girl on this show. You are different from those who came before you and I LOVE IT. Anyway, those are your three choices. Is it difficult to figure out who’s probably gonna be sent to the uncomfortable stools?

Again, Jimmy Iovine is the only one saying anything pertinent, stating Deandre’s falsetto as polarizing, and that he needs to work his way up in the industry and gain more experience. He does seem to like Clove’s vocals, but concedes that “little girls” (HA!) tend to vote for little boys on this show — judging by the past 5 winners.

Poor Deandre…his face…NOOOOO! Deandre isn’t…really??? SKYLAR NO!!! This can’t be. Not my Skylar. But it IS safe to say that judging by this pack, the judges’ save probably will not be used. The girl wears bedazzled cowboy boots and I STILL like her! Thankfully, she is sent to safety. Please don’t be Heejun. NOOOOOOOOOO!

Well, Heejun probably knew it was all gonna end like this…so how will he go out? On a high note? Or a high note? For some reason, JLo’s false indecision displayed by her body is more offensive than usual. I find myself touched by the genuine tears in Elise and Phil’s eyes. You guys are all buddies! All the good ones. Skylar hangs out with you too, right? Goddammit. The judges always piss me off during this part, with their faux-conversation, their pained faces. You know that JLo has Steven Tyler whisper stuff about Ben Affleck in each ear so the bitch can muster up some tears by the time the 2:00 song is finished.

Sads. Thankfully, my DVR cutoff before “Heejun’s journey.” Well…at least the exit interviews should be entertaining, right?

Spread the word. Do it.

OK. Maybe this won’t be THAT bad. After all, we were given THIS extraordinarily exquisite gift less than three minutes in.

Even Ryan Searcrest is referencing The Hunger Games. Alas. He could use some of Cesar Flickman’s elan. That Tommy Hilfiger, however, well, he’s no Cinna. Informing all of the REMAINING contestants that they really all went THEIR OWN WAY last week, he begins lecturing them about personal style. A shame he didn’t mention how the one contestant who truly embraced his advice well, at least you made the tour, Erika Van Pelt. Obviously, this is just a shameless plug for the Tommy Hilfiger department at Macy’s.

We’ve got some grey shirts, Philip.

Miss OMG Shopper Extraordinaire Jessica Sanchez Clove comes sashaying out in some cropped military jacket and beige, Lopez-esque jumpsuit, twirls, then flashes her conniving little smile. Now that’s a LOOK, exclaims Tommy with breathless ennui. Tommy also thinks by the time we get to the finale, the styles will be OUTRAGEOUS. He’s never watched this show, has he?

Grainy video of Stevie Knicks and Jimmy Iovine is met with silence by the studio audience…

Colton Dixon aka Cato: The District 2 “career tribute” was raised precisely for American Idol on Jesus and Daughtry.
Talents: Throwing wimpering puppy dog eyes at lofted cameras, knowledge of entire male Idol “rocker” canon.
Song: Everything by Lighthouse

Stevie tells Colton to NEVER cut his hair off. Colton then proceeds to ask if he can blow cocaine up her ass. KIDDING. Which is a shame because it would be so much better if he did say that. When it comes time to perform, I can’t really tell what he’s signing because it just sounds like a Daughtry-David Cook B-side. Oh go figure, it’s a Lighthouse song. No wonder I don’t know it. No wonder it sounds like a Daughtry-David Cook B-side

The judges read some cue cards about Cato Dixon being UNBELIEVABLE or something. I just want to know who the hell makes Randy Jackson’s jewelry.

(Commercial Break: What in Kohl’s hell happened to Mia Hamm??)

Skylar Laine aka Rue: Stealthier than the Careers, stays alive by staying off the ground. Also: I really like Skylar so she gets to be Rue.
Talents: Disarming humor and charm
Song: Gunpowder and Lead by Miranda Lambert

Pushing me more and more on the Skylar Laine Train is that she really loves Miranda Lambert. Miranda Lambert is good. Skylar is NOT the one singing Carrie Underwood this week. Why, because Skylar has actual bite. Now if only they would start putting her in more flattering tops. Just because she’s not a Size 2 does not mean you should stick her in an artfully-cut pillowcase. Skylar has better natural stage presence than any other country girl I’ve seen on this show. When she jumps around with abandon, I am filled with glee. When the judges prattle on about whether she was more Galveston or Dallas, I just tune them about and start reading the damned Hunger Games Wiki again.

In order to account for the bloated time slot, the contestants are forming alliances and performing medleys. Singing an assortment of Stevie Nicks favorites are Colton Dixon, Phil Philips, and Elise Testone — obviously going with your favorites for the medley-of-the-mentor. The swaybots are wayyyy too distracting during Landslide, a song demolished by the Dixie Chicks that I can no longer listen to it without cringing. Elise breaking into Edge of Seventeen can’t come soon enough. Then Phil gets to lead Bill Clinton’s 1992 Campaign Theme.

Heejun Han aka Haymitch: He might not be getting tanked but he’s still a lot of fun. Try not to kill all of his family for finding that force field, President Lythgoe.
Talents: Knows how to use underdog status and game mechanics, Aware of the fact this is nothing but a shit show
Song: A Song For You by Donny Hathaway

Heejun has “rethunk his strategy” after being called out on not taking the competition seriously which means its ballad time, but personally, I’m hoping if Heejun sticks around, he alternates between taking the competition seriously and not so seriously, because its one of the only bright spots of this shit show.

Heejun’s tone is clear, but a bit scratchy in some moments, yet he seems to nail the big notes. Singing Donny Hathaway decently is Idol gold. I also really like his hat and eyeglasses. The judges give him a standing ovation, I guess because they need to play the comeback story + make everyone think he is safe even though he’s performing in the middle of the bunch. I also REALLY hope someone makes a gif of JLo stuttering and semi-recovering by looking down at her monitor. Anyway, please don’t get all boring on us Heejun, even if you get a standing ovation from those talking heads.

If Jordin Sparks is sitting in the audience with Dionne Warwick, please assure me there will be no remake of That’s What Friends Are For. And Jason Derulo, really? A bedazzled neckbrace AND a skinny tie? Assuming Kara DioGuardi must have beaten you up and then dressed you or something.

Hollie Cavanaugh aka Foxface: You know nothing about this girl. She is quiet and fades into the background. You cannot remember her name. She will stick around longer than you expect, but she will die after consuming poisoned sequins.
Talents: Easily forgettable, fades into the background
Song: Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood

I should probably just refuse to recap anyone who sings this GOD AWFUL (You see what I did there?) Carrie Underwood song.  But it’s difficult to not comment on the snowy forest backdrop and snowy fog and SNOW FALLING FROM THE RAFTERS. Someone just put Foxface out of her misery and feed her those damned sequins now, mmm-kay?

Deandre Brackensick aka Glimmer: Deandre sort of shines and could be viewed as a retro version of “sexy and lush,” I’m also running low on tributes and Deandre isn’t screaming Thresh or Peeta to me, plus he’s sort of a Career (remember his stage mom?). And only ones who didn’t make it this far get to be unnamed tributes.
Talents: Extreme falsetto, tests well with the judges
Song: Sometimes I Cry by Eric Benet

Jimmy Iovine notes Deandre has Stevie’s old hair. Stevie says it was a perm. Deandre is singing Eric Benet, who is also Halle Berry’s ex-husband, I think. I just want Deandre to throw his hair back in a ponytail because I prefer that look. He’s just sort of treading water at this point, and its a matter of time before Deandre is offed. Its not that he’s untalented, he’s just too gentle and tan for the people who vote for male contestants (SEE THE FIRST PHOTO). But Deandre pulls out all those high notes likes its Time Life’s Slow Jams. I like his jacket. Other than that I’m bored because I just sort of completely hate contemporary R&B. And he’s just sort of wailing like female singers do and while I guess its an admirable skill, it’s just not my thing. Nevertheless, he gets a standing ovation from the gamesmakers. And Steven Tyler compares him to…PRINCE? JLo begs people to vote for him so she can hear his voice some more, BUT ONLY FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS. Cold bitch.

Apparently, we have :54 minutes left. Help me. Send the hovercraft.

Jessica Sanchez aka Clove: Cold, ruthless, killing machine with no soul, this career tribute has been trained for this since her parents started dressing her as Selena and sticking her on a mall stage at age 2.
Talents: Precise singing, zero emotional, robotic murderess
Song: Sweet Dreams by Beyonce

If its not Celine or Whitney, Clove has no idea what happened before the previous decade. Singing Beyonce’s tepid Sweet Dreams slowed down — Clove can’t sing nothing but ballads — while wearing something from Cache’s “Senora de Madrid” collection, Clove Sanchez walks through a bunch of seemingly red doors, floating on the fog. Like the doors, the song goes NOWHERE.

She then puts on the humble little girl act for the judges, oh really, you like me, you like me? Stop blowing smoke up her ass and keep the smoke where it belongs — on the floor. Or just send her off to be Clive Davis’ lap dog right now so she doesn’t have to be on my TV every week. She must already be taking GED classes in between shopping trips to The Grove. We don’t need to see this. KILL HER OFF NOW. She just said like Beyonce, she ALSO has an alter ego — BeBeChez.

Michael Jackson medley naturally features Deandre, Heejun, and Joshua Ledet. And fedoras. I really do think Deandre could do some excellent late 70s Jackson, but can we give points to Joshua for his very adept moonwalk? But this medley could really use a little more Heejun…so does this mean no Michael Jackson Tribute Show this season? And speaking of dead singers who’s songs I never want to hear on this show again, whens the Whitney Houston episode?

They’re actually pretending to judge this? Oh JLO. You’re batting 1.000 tonight.

Michael Jackson! We miss Michael Jackson!! [INAUDIBLE. Cut off by music.]

Phil Phillips aka Peeta: Because you know he’s gonna win. Because you know he’s exactly the sort of guy people who watch this show root for. And his parents own a pawn shop, which is sort of like a bakery.
Talents: Uncanny combined version of all male Idol winners since 2008, Knows what the audience wants, Does things to show “they don’t own him” by wearing gray.
Song: Still Rainin’ by Jonny Lang

Stevie Nicks and Jimmy Iovine are kind of cute for some reason. Anyway, Stevie says Phil could have joined Fleetwood Mac had he been around in the 70s AND that he looks like a young Lindsey Buckingham. Sadly, Phil does not ask if he can blow coke up her asshole, but they do take a sweet photo together.

Buoyed by Stevie’s effusive praise and probably because he might suspect he all but has the finale in the bag, Phil delivers his typical rousing throaty rendition while also losing none of his aw-shuckness. Standing ovation. They’re giving out standing ovations like the free clinic gives out condoms. And Randy gets an opportunity to tell everyone Jonny Lang is a personal friend of his!

(Commercial break: WTF. Glee has to do Gyote? When are they gonna cancel that crap?)

Joshua Ledet aka Thresh: No silly. Not because he’s black. But because I bet him and Skylar Laine (Rue) have each other’s backs and I just really want to see him tell that Jessica Sanchez (Clove) off.
Talents: Casualwear Jacob Lusk, Takes you to church without making you leave your living room, but only the good parts of church
Song: Without You by Mariah Carey.

Backed by a string OCTET and a sepia-toned desert backdrop (get it, without you life is but a desert), oh, and hollowed-out dead tree sculptures favored by slim, post-menopausal woman in the Southwestern United States, Joshua sings a song that well, really should only be sung by one woman.

Not Mariah Carey. BUT RANDY DID TALK TO HER YESTERDAY. ON HER BIRTHDAY. SHE’S ON VACATION. But Valentina Hasen.

Oh, what memories. Anyway, judges hand out some another standing ovation free rubber. Joshua turned out a very Joshua performance — he’s never bad. He’s one of the most consistent performers on the show. And I guess he can get over the insecurities he feels when not flanked by a small gospel choir if you say, stick a string octet and dead-tree living room decorations behind him. TILIBA LIBA DOUCHOU!

Singing a medley of Madonna hits: Naturally, Jessica has to kick off Like A Prayer, followed by Hollie, and then Skylar — the latter of which, even though I adore her, frankly none of them bring any sort of anything to what is arguably Madonna’s finest song. It’s not as bad on Borderline, but really, people, really? Madonna progressively becomes more and more of an insufferable c**t with each passing moment, but she still deserves better than this trio singing three of her biggest hits. Hell, I would rather watch when Glee mangled these great songs than THIS. What is amusing, however, is just how ill-at-ease Sanchez looks when having to actually share the stage with two other girls who can and will ably outshine her robotic pageant act when necessary.

Can’t we just have a show that lasts an hour and a half, eventually an HOUR. Please?

Elise Testone aka Katniss: Why? Because she’s the best. And she would so score an 11 EVERY TIME.
Talents: Legitimate vocal awesomeness, Has likely experienced some of what she sings about, Humility
Song: Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin

Thanks, Jimmy Iovine! Thank you for suggesting a little harmonization between Stevie and Elise. (Our Katniss IS probably the only girl who was even familiar with Stevie Nicks before learning she would be this week’s guest mentor.)

Certainly Katniss will piss off many already irate Glamberts by singing THE GLAM GOD’S SONG. Um, it’s Led Zeppelin’s song. Anyway…who cares! Elise is awesome. I love hearing a female with the legit proper pipes to take on such a classic. Shower her with every inch of your love people. Shower her.

Oh. And how many times has Randy called a song “the hardest song in the world to sing?” This wasn’t a first, but I don’t care. SHE WAS AWESOME.

Will be killed at the Cornucopia Feast tomorrow night: Hollie Cavanaugh or Deandre Brackensick. But I smell a judges’ save, what about you? Alas. You will still feel this sentiment:

Spread the word. Do it.

Do I really need to hear Jessica Sanchez sing I Will Always Love You? Do I really need to see Jennifer Lopez’s camel toe? Do you really have to remind me this show has been on long enough to air 400 episodes. Let me put this in perspective for you. Law & Order ran for 456 episodes. American Idol has aired 400 episodes. American Idol never had Jerry Orbach on the show. This sort of injustice would piss the hell out of Jack McCoy. He’s totally huffing and puffing and sporting Angry Jack McCoy Forehead right now.

Seacrest announces that for the first time ever in the finals, its gonna be a boys vs. girls showdown. If this is based solely on fashion, the guys win hands down. Poor Erika Van Pelt has been stuffed into a red gown and what appears to be an embellished double-shoulder holster as conceived by David’s Bridal. Van Pelt is a nice girl. Why are they allowing this to happen? Can we talk to their stylist and urge her to take a firmer hand with these kids? Anyways, the judges will decide who goes home between the bottom girl and guy on tomorrow night’s show.

Jimmy Iovine and Mary J. Blige! I almost did not recommend the tiny man without a quirky leather jacket and will.i.am sitting at his side.

Joshua Ledet
I Wish 
Don’t see how Ledet could really go wrong with this one. Accompanied by a horn ensemble and flanked by digitized piano keys, he even manages to give a shout out to the Evil Queen Lopez while taking everyone to church. I suddenly have the strong urge to see Ledet cover James Brown’s Living In America. Why is Randy Jackson so surprised he can do something else other than ballads when he’s been praised for his gospel interpretations? Has Randy Jackson ever been to a black church? And speaking of Randy…What is the name of all that’s–WHAT THE HELL IS RANDY WEARING?

Elise Testone
I’m Your Baby Tonight
Let’s face it, there are only about two Whitney Houston songs I actually like. Jimmy & Mary won’t let Elise sing The Greatest Love of All. She switches to I’m Your Baby Tonight. They chalk up her obvious indifference to the songs as insecurity. I’m sorry. I don’t care if the dirt on Whitney Houston’s grave is still wet, but please just admit it, most of her songs really weren’t that great. If Mariah Carey dropped dead tomorrow, would you start weeping about how great an album Vision Of Love was? Hell no.

I adore Elise. I adore Elise as much as I loathe her dress. What is this sale-rack-at-Cache shit? Elise is solid, but I get the strong sense she would rather be singing something else. Even 30 seconds into the song, she has moved her body more than Carrie Underwood did during her entire tenure on this shit show. The judges chew Elise out because she could have done better. How she struggled with making it her own yada yada yada. She is clearly annoyed. After, she admits not really knowing the song. NOT EVERYONE KNOWS WHITNEY HOUSTON. Believe it, Idol, believe it.

Jermaine Jones
Knocks Me Off My Feet
I have no idea what this song was, but Steven Tyler thinks it fit him like an Armani suit (WHO WRITES THIS?). Jennifer Lopez babbles on something about her and how she feels the music. I just want to watch Jermaine Jones stand next to Ryan Seacrest for the next hour and a half. Its quite incredible. It’s as if Jermaine is the motorcycle and Seacrest the sidecar.

Erika Van Pelt
I Believe In You And Me
I like Erika. She’s too good to be wearing David’s Bridal. A bright-red David’s Bridal garbage bag with an embellished shoulder holster. She’s also too good to be stuck with this Whitney Houston B-Side (Obviously they saved the big Bodyguard number for Evil Sanchez. This song is the dullest thing I’ve ever heard. HELL TO THE HELL TO THE HELL TO THE NO.

Hey Lopez. Stop saying goosies. Can’t you and Tyra Banks just cage fight to the death or something? Or would this be impossible because you would stop mid-punch to talk about how great you are, or maybe you’ll stop mid-kick and make up a word you really want to catch on, like smize or goosies.

Colton Dixon
Lately
Colton Dixon’s original music all sound like David Cook or Chris Daughtry’s original music. I suspect this will also be true of his Stevie Wonder cover. This week, it’s just Dixon and the mic–which is probably a smart move for a guy who’s been on the piano for all or part of his performances up until now.

I actually want to hate this more than I do. He did put his own spin on it and frankly, it finally sort stirred me out of this snoozefest.

Shannon Magrane
I Have Nothing
I sort of dig her leggings and jacket. And I always have wanted to learn how to make a pony tail like that. Wait. Come on, Idol. Borrowing the fireworks from when Bobby Brady kissed that Milicent strumpet on The Brady Bunch. THIS IS JUST A BAD SONG. It’s also a bad performance. This song goes absolutely no where. Nowhere. Isn’t this evidence at all that some of these Whitney Houston songs just sort of suck? The judges claim nerves got her. No dudes, it’s just a shit song and she’s not all that great. Next please!

I just want to know why Randy is wearing a goateed child on his lapel.

Deandre Brackensick
Master Blaster 
Do you think Nicole Kidman ever watches American Idol? This kid is totally wearing her original hair. Seacrest like to shove some footage of his sobbing after almost going home (Brackensick was a WildCard pick). Poor kid. I don’t know if I can make it through this show’s entirety. Brackensick’s voice + this song = perfect choice. Like Joshua Ledet, there’s really no way he couldn’t shine tonight. And the slight reggae vibe is fun, although it would have been just as effective without washing the stage in a constant barrage of red, yellow, and green.

Steven Tyler does one good thing — he evokes Naima. I loved me some Naima Adeapo! Totally forgot about her. Anyway, if one good thing has come out of tonight its that I might sort of be okay with Deandre Brackensick. Kid actually showed some personality chops. Nice job.

Skylar Leigh
Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
All country girls who come on this show have to pretend they don’t know any other music but country. I think Jimmy Iovine also just told her to go from subtle to black, not sure. Anyhoo, all country girls have to play the idiot card, although it is entirely possible Leigh is not familiar with anything in the Houston ouvre given her age and Southern upbringing. Something else teenage country girls on this show have to do is dress like 42-year-old divorcees when they’re out on the prowl at their bar of their local Applebee’s.

This just plain sucked. The only thing nice I can say is that I like her nail polish. Jennifer Lopez says she’s given them the biggest moment of the night. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE WATCHING?

Heejun Han
All That’s Fair
Tweets about God aside, I still love this guy. I also love his Frank Sinatra-at-6-am-inspired ensemble. Idol knows he’s got one of the most winning personalities this show has ever seen so they pimp his um, Twitter. First time I’ve seen such a thing.  Heejun, I love you buddy, don’t do this to me. Don’t come out here every week and sing a damned ballad.

Nice vocals. Otherwise boring. JLo showers him with praise, as does Tyler. Randy says it wasn’t perfect, but it was really good. Yet again, La Lopez gets the most words in edgewise.

Hollie Cavanaugh
All The Man That I Need
This girl is like 15 and she’s signing All The Man That I Need? This is getting all sorts of Nabokov. This is so boring I almost want to cry. The illuminated yellow smoke is the only thing interested about this because it alludes to some crazy lab where mad corporate scientists mix peroxide and beige together to produce ballad bots.

The judges tell her she nailed it and could make the final. Seriously. Who the hell writes this shit? Anyhoo, so Tommy Hilfiger was named the show’s image advisor. HA. This will likely not end well.

Jeremy Rosado
Ribbon In The Sky
I don’t know this song. Personally, I like the more upbeat Stevie Wonder songs. And why the hell on all the umpteen Stevie Wonder nights has no one ever sang I Just Called To Say I Love You? Yes. It’s a laughable song but think of the FUN you could have with it. You could MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

I like Jeremy. Great smile. Jennifer Lopez fakes being moved to tears. The song went nowhere. But I like his smile. The judges spout out canned lines. I don’t even see how they can play like this is a weekly exercise in spontaneity.

Jessica Sanchez
I Will Always Love You
There was no way in hell Jessica Sanchez WOULD NOT be singing the iconic Dolly Parton cover. In fact, the one good thing about this song is that Dolly Parton continues to make a killing off of it. Seriously. Whitney Houston’s death has just earned The Goddess Parton at least 500,000 awesome new custom wigs.

Did they pull a Dirty Sanchez and have the Mean Girl lipsync? Probably not, but they likely employed a nasty little trick of having the backup singer do most of the work. From Sanchez’s phony on-camera “intro” to Mary J. and Jimmy, to the darkened theater and rolling smoke, I’m about ready to gag. WIND MACHINES. The fact this likely evil little ballad bot nails this song doesn’t make me appreciate her talent. She has a voice we’ve heard 1000 times before and will hear 10,000 times again. She did a very competent Whitney Houston sound-alike. There is zero personality or depth when it comes to the subject matter. This song has been played ad nauseum since its release. Its impossible for someone who sings shitty songs well not to do it competently.

The judges urge everyone to get on their feet. Randy Jackson claims its one of the hardest songs in the world to sing and proclaims Birdy Sanchez as one of the best singers in the competition. La Lopez then evokes some of her dramatic skills from An Unfinished Life. Steven Tyler claims she could be THE ONE and just made 40 million people cry.

Listen, honey, 40 million people no longer watch this show.

Philip Phillips
Superstition
Another one who cannot fail with the theme. Hell, Phil Squared can’t EVER fail since he’s guaranteed to win this whole damn thing — sorry Birdy Sanchez. You can’t steal this worm from the uber-WGWG. Idol producers have likely been longing for the pawn shop owner’s son to do Superstition since he busted out his thoroughly entertaining guitar-driven take on Michael Jackson’s Thriller. It’s no coincidence both Phillips and Sanchez are performing Wonder and Houston’s most-iconic songs, respectively, in the final two slots of the evening.

Philsy is accompanied by some backup guitar and bass, as well as some hornage. He also gets the benefit of nearly-current visuals. There’s absolutely no reason to pretend with the charade of a competition with this guy around.

Now will someone just tell me what the hell Randy is wearing on his damned lapel.

Spread the word. Do it.

(PLEASE TELL ME WHO JLO’S AGENT IS. WHY IS SHE STILL WORKING? WHY WAS SHE PRESENTING ON THE OSCARS? WHY? WHY? WHY?)

Whoa. Seems Idol invested in a new stage, which was a pretty good idea considering that old one was a bit creaky and dangerous even back in oh, 2009. The gold tones seem to coordinate well with Ryan Seacrest’s hair and Jennifer Lopez’s spray tan, the latter of which is probably why there are a bunch of gold tones. Randy Jackson is wearing something that seemingly acts as a popped collar and a neck brace.  It is not gold.

Reed Grimm
Moves Like Jagger
Reed Grimm is from Wisconsin and talks about dirty diapers and cheese curds. From the first few notes sounded by the new American Idol band, I am confounded by this jazz rendition that is straight up lounge. Grimm seems to have an itchy ballsack, because he’s gyrating on stage like he needs to scratch the scrotum and he scats like he needs to scratch that shit. And then he gets on some drums and to quote Towelie after a couple good bong hits, I have no idea what’s going on. 

The judges lavish praise on Mr. Grimm. He gets points for the god-awful dancing and need-to-crap faces. And getting bleeped for singing ass isn’t bad. Reed Grimm. You’re not dead to me. Now go wash your damn nuts with some Dr. Bronner’s.

Adam Brock
Think 
Meet Adam Brock. He seems to have the life Danny Gokey would have had had his first wife not died. And since he’s been told there’s “a large black woman living inside of him,” he’s singing Aretha Franklin. But the biggest mystery is why this man has a scarf hanging out of the back of his pants. The judges add nothing of any consequence that could not be summed in Brock’s family’s Brock On and Brock The Vote signs. They keep heaping praise and music-y buzzwords, i.e., blue-eyed soul. La Lopez tells him how he has to finish with a big note, something she knows nothing about, given that she really can’t sing. If she really wants to HELP THESE GREAT KIDS, Jenny From The Block should just make her agent hire them because then they’ll never be out of work again. That agent is a damned miracle worker.

Deandre Brackensick
Reasons
This 17-year-old boy is standing on my TV singing Earth Wind & Fire. He basically sings really high and flips his hair a lot. It is entirely boring, but yeah, the kid can sing, not my style, but the kid can sing. He just cannot BREATHE. He’s all out of breath trying to get it all out. But what makes it really weird is that he looks like a sort of Kate Capshaw-Tokio Hotel-Milli Vanilli hybrid. Of course, the judges heap tons of praise, particularly that Lopez woman. Randy Jackson throws out more buzzwords, you are so commercial, then you bust out the big chest note. Oh Randy, stop curating buzzwords.

Colton Dixon
Decode
Looks like a skunk. Loves Jesus too damn much. Plays really bad music by former male Idol contestants way too much. Colton Dixon would have to like, save Oskar from a burning building for me to not think he’s absolute shizer. He says this is gonna be a real departure because everyone is used to seeing him at a piano but he starts at something that looks a lot like a piano. Dixon’s Paramore cover never really takes off. He’s a bit drowned out by the music and the arrangement goes NO WHERE. Not even the judges can…can they?

Now is the time on Idol where we need a little indie alt rocker singing Paramore, dude.

Oh Randy Jackson. Oh Randy Randy Randy Randy Randy. Anyway, just learned this song is from Twilight so I guess Colton Dixon might stick around a bit longer. And this was a really big risk for him because apparently, he never leaves the security of his piano bench.

Jeremy Rosado
Gravity 
I find it rather difficult OMG WAS THAT A STUFFED LITTLE PONY ON THE FLOOR to hate on this kid. He just looks so damn nice. And he works the front desk of a health clinic. Hey, when I was getting burn treatments, I spent more time with the front desk guy than any doctor. A smile and a little friendliness goes a long way in the clinical setting. Anyway, Rosado is doing Sara Baricanneverspellherlastname, which is like 2 steps up from say, singing K.T. Tunstell, and you know what bucket he’s gonna be thrown into should he survive this week — the lovable round r&b singer — so let’s just let him sing what he actually sings while he can sing it. It is lovely, I guess, as far as American Idol ballads go. But it still sounds like something sung by someone on American Idol.

The judges are all over him. I start tuning it out once JLo addresses him with JerBear. It is also not until Seacrest throws up his voting deets that I realize Jeremy’s shirt says Brooklyn and not Snooki.

HUNGER GAMES TRAILER HUNGER GAMES TRAILER

Carry on.

Something about a Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony finding Hispanic people show. Ooooh. Scandalous. They divorcing. How does this bitch get so much work? Followed by…back at the judges’ table and something about a a tapas or topless bar and a baby.

Aaron Marcellus
Never Can Say Goodbye
Aaron! Noooo! This song effectively killed off that sweet Puerto Rican boy a few seasons back. Maybe you’re more familiar with the material and hey, I am actually digging your jacket. I like this guy.  Something about him I don’t know if I can put my finger on exactly, but he seems to have a good energy about him. (Christ. That must be the yoga talking.) And his performance was decent, too. Naturally, J. Lo makes her “critique” about how SHE fought for him. She may be an even greater narcissist than the Queen of All Reality TV Judge Narcissists Tyra Banks.

Chase Likens
Stormwarning
I have no idea who this guy is, or I had no idea who he was until he was given his pass to get to the live show. He is in college! Good! Don’t drop out, Chase Likens, ok? This guy is proficient at the contemporary country-western thing. His voice matches his looks and body, which is a departure from last year’s winner Scotty McCreery, and he does a fun little elementary twirl over some bussed-in-from-USC-sorority-girls’ heads

You gotta a kind of Brendan Frasier The Mummy look about you. You’re gonna set America’s hearts on fire…a lot of mummies at home…are gonna love you.

Hey, Steven Tyler, before you tell anyone they look like Brendan Fraser, look at this:

And then BITE YOUR TONGUE. Because that’s just downright CRUEL.

Pretty much the entire judges’ portion of their entire “critique” proves this entire show is scripted. But I might vote for this kid if he like, sang The Grundy County Auction. Why has that NEVER been performed on American Idol? It can’t be THAT hard to get the rights.

Creighton Fraker
True Colors
By all accounts, Creighton Fraker looks like he might be either insanely fun or annoying enough to kill. I might lean more towards the former if he didn’t have a Constantine Maroulis face. But Fraker is interesting, or could be. I started watching this with the intention of absolutely loathing it but by golly gee, it ain’t that bad. This one needs to keep playing up his “friendship of Dorothy.” Come on, Idol. Didn’t you get the memo? The Voice is all about letting contestants let their rainbow flags fly.

The judges keep lamenting about the fact 6 guys are going home this week = Deal with it Creighton Fraker, you’re not long for this world.

Ok. I am horrified. Eddie Murphy is in a movie about an idea I’ve thought about since I was a very young child — that life would end once you spoke “your allotted word limit.” Not that I think I have original ideas still…its an Eddie Murphy movie that’s the horrifying part. I am more horrified by this than the fact there have been commercials between every singer.

Phil Phillips
In The Air Tonight 
Here’s your winner. No point in dragging out the competition. Hell, you already have frauen comparing you to Paul Newman, Jude Law, and Heath Ledger. AND you play a guitar.

And by the time you finish the first line of the Phil Collins’ classic — OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE PHIL SINGING PHIL — it is abundantly clear that they should just give this guy the crown and not bother with the rest of the season. Hell, we already know he has a much larger vocabulary than your cousin Phil DeWheezy so I mean, how is this even not gonna happen? He is every male Idol winner since 2008 all in one. The judges even basically say so. Randy Jackson compares him to Dave Matthews and throws out INDIE again even though he tells him “to stick with the melody.” That’s soooo cute. They’re trying to make this happen. They’re trying to make people vote because he’s not going anywhere. They’re inciting you. Don’t you know that by now?

Eben Franckenwitz
Set Fire To The Rain
Ohhh. Poor kid looks so nervous and awkward. And the vocals are so not up to snuff. Watch Eben’s Idol dreams GO UP IN FLAMES. Alas. Kid should have held out for next year. But now he can get this over with and go back to school and make something of himself. Give this kid a few years, who knows…maybe he’ll magically reappear on the public radar again. The judges basically congratulate him for getting on TV. And when I look at Eben a little closer, I realize he kind of resembles Adam Lambert before he started blacking his hair and wearing pancake makeup.

Heejun Han
Angels 
YESYESYESYESYES I love this guy. Imagine if he had some amazing back story where his grandparents had like, escaped from North Korea or something. And he says his mom can’t sing or dance. He’s just…its like he gets what a joke this show is. And he gets how Asians are depicted in oh hell, every Asian stereotype.

This is one of my least-favorite songs of all time and I so don’t care because Heejun is singing it. And because Heejun is wearing glasses with no lenses. Heejun just better make it to the Top 12/13-whatever-the-hell-it-is. There are rumblings Mr. Han is some crazy Christian fundie (He’s actually Presbyterian. I always thought they were just all around dull people that lived in the suburbs and only did it missionary style. Do Presbyterians do the fundie thing now?) and maybe he did sing a song about Angels but he didn’t mention Jesus and his interpretation kind of said angels were like, inside us all or something.

Heejun comes in at a very special time in pop culture. Asian-Americans doing “unexpected things” like oh, singing, and um, playing basketball real good is now totally en vogue. The fact this is even a “thing” is sad but true.

Joshua Ledet
You Pulled Me Through
Never a fan of when contestants sing original songs by former successful contestants. And to be honest, I couldn’t even tell you a Jennifer Hudson outside that Dreamgirls one I never want to hear again. Which is no fault of hers whatsoever. It’s just so damn overdone. Jennifer Hudson is probably one of the best things to come out of this show and well, they didn’t even keep her on that long so it just proves how great she is.

Joshua can sing his face off. Like I said before, he’s a casualwear Jacob Lusk. This guy can really sing. Holy hell. Yeah. He can sing. Even if he doesn’t get voted in tomorrow night, the judges are bringing him back. Its also really great how Jennifer Lopez starts talking about how God gave him that voice and I find myself unable to stop staring at the tiny gold cross she’s wearing…on it’s side. Joshua also says something about “family struggle.” He knows how to play the game.

I understand doing “the big reveal” at the end of the show but you’re also giving this 13th person the coveted pimp spot of the night. And it really should come as no surprise to discover the 13th person is…Jermaine Jones.

Jermaine Jones
Dance With My Father
This song’s subject matter is beautiful but as a song, meh. And remember, it was written by Richard Marx! We don’t see enough of that guy these days. But this song is all about getting another walk, another chance, and while American Idol isn’t exactly your father, Jermaine gets another chance to sing Luther Vandross. And sing he can. And come on, when do the judges ever come down on a big-voiced man of color singing Luther?

With Jermaine’s return, this probably doesn’t bode very well for Aaron Marcellus, as hell, when was the last time you remember three African-American men in the final 12? And Deandre, Joshua, and Jermaine might fill the American Idol quota — unless they think stacking the deck with black men will get them their elusive female victor. They’re many things but stupid, only in some capacities. They know who’s voting for this shit show.

Who’s going back to the world in obscurity? Who’s staying? Some of it may be a little close.

MAYBE going home: Eben Franckenwitz, Creighton Fraker, Adam Brock, Jeremy Rosado, Aaron Marcellus

MAYBE staying: Joshua Ledet, Deandre Brackensick, Chase Likens, Reed Grimm, Colton Dixon

DEFINITELY staying: Phil Phillips, Heejun Han, Jermaine Jones

I miss anyone? Let’s end on a positive note: I genuinely like Ryan Seacrest’s three-piece suit. That is all. AND PICTURES TO COME! I SWEAR!

Spread the word. Do it.

That’s nice they put them up in the Wynn. I hear a minimum bet for Black Jack at the Wynn is $50. They watched some Cirque du Soleil and then sang their hearts out on the island stage surrounded by some ethereal moat/Vegas-style lazy river and smoke. Its probably the only way JLo allows people to look at her. But its all rather disappointing, with all that fainting and vomiting going down in Hollywood, why did no one do it in the lazy river?

Jen Hirsch
I really like this girl. And not just because she works in a winery. She has a fantastic jazz vocal and she comes off as well, very real. Not entirely my last season favorite Haley Reinhart. She also gets points for likening the “final judgment” to “ripping the Band-Aid off.” The torture they put this girl under seems like an eternity. Really, Randy? Really? After sitting her down and calming the lot of you are “her friends?”

(Hey. Didn’t that Milli Vanilli Jason Castro-looking kid try out last year?)

Creighton Fraker
Fraker has a Constantine Maroulis face. Look at his face. He’s a shorter Constantine Maroulis with short hair–and a better voice, sure, but if you resemble Constantine Maroulis, you’re just about 1000 points in the hole. Turns out the adopted Fraker’s birth father was the lead singer of Flotsam & Jetsam and now they talk and stuff. I briefly dated/slept with a dude who’s estranged father was the drummer in Foghat. Never met him, but he was like, Foghat’s 4th drummer so I mean, he might have done a couple of state fairs or something. Fraker will likely not be one of my favorites, but he’s goofy enough for me to maybe overlook the semi-Constantine Maroulis likeness.

Lauren Grey
I guess Lauren almost blew it in Vegas or something. Twitter already told me she gets cut which is complete fucking bullshit. She’s the only one who might be able to cover Adele and I wouldn’t roll my eyes. Randy gets off on being cruel. I sort of can’t blame him, as I might hate my life if I was Randy Jackson and on American Idol. But I would never be a condescending asshat. HEY! Why the hell does JLo insist on wearing green sequins during every “final judgment.” Speaking of, SFTU JLo. LAUREN GREY. YOU RULE. Can I get a gif of that? When urged to come back, Lauren threw down her bitchiest smirk and said I’ll consider it. The only complaint I have about Lauren is her French Manicure but nails can be repainted. Lauren Grey, I hope you become a big big star.

Dewb: She’s the best person I’ve ever heard sing on American Idol. Even if she is a little stagey. [ED. NOTE: Dewb has not watched much American Idol, save for a few episodes. The last time he watched a bit of American Idol was when he heard some white kid did an acoustic Kanye. Man, that season. That was the last time this show was interesting, wasn't it?]

Joshua Ledet
He’s like a casualwear Jacob Lusk. I want to watch him lead a damned choir. Ok. Not a damned choir, like in the biblical sense. Oh…I’ll just stop when I’m ahead. Randy hates what his life has become. He’s totally getting a woody every time he shakes his head. (Cue: Every time he shakes his head before giving an answer, that person has made it.) This one is also notable for the fact JLo sang a few notes. Without autotune. Not cool.

Dewb: I wanna like this guy but I’m saying no…that wasn’t bad, but it looks like he’s taking a shit.

Blaire Seiber
Pretty girl, you got no screen time.

Naomi Gilles 
I think you got more screen time than poor pretty Blaire but I think I missed those episodes.

Haley Johnsen
Poor Haley with that Lindsay Lohan circa 2010 hair. But she looks like she might be a little fun AND she’s buddy-buddy with Heejun.

Dewb: Is that the classic American Idol logo from 1991.

Neko Star
This guy’s final performance is complete garbage. He seems like a nice kid, though. But you know Idol. They have a quota on maybe-on-the-down-low guys. Randy didn’t shake his head so you know it is gonna be a no.

Dewb: No. Just no.

Clayton Farhat
Who? Well, I hope he buys some new t-shirts or something.

River St. John
See above comment regarding Neko Star

Caleb Johnson
Caleb picked a real bad time to do his drunken lounge singer act. But damn, he seemed fun. Caleb should have just gone out with a Bill Murray as The Lounge Singer bang. Embrace that shit.

Elise Testone
Couldn’t she have tried out for The Voice? I love this one. Can all the people I like try out for the voice? You know what’s sad. These “final auditions” are likely gonna be better than anything they’re forced to sing on the live show. Just remember that. Now put this woman in the Top 12.

Dewb: She looks like a busted up Maggie Gyllenhaal but she’s good.

Reed Grimm
For some strange reason, Reed Grimm reminds me of that goofy actor who was in a bunch of 80s sitcoms. AND IT IS GOING TO DRIVE ME INSANE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT. Anyways, back to Reed Grimm. He kind of looks like a super-fun cokehead. He’s goofy with a trace of Taylor Hicks-like spasms. He also plays the drums, which is interesting, because he could be like the Phil Collins of American Idol. And why is everyone a jazz singer this season? Reed Grimm is so in. Come on freaks. Bring on the Phil Phillips vs. Reed Grimm fan wars.

Erika Van Pelt
Decent voice. Could use a stylist. Put a little Wrecking Balm on that back tatt. Come on, sweetheart. Is this what happened when you asked for a tramp stamp from a blind tattoo artist in finger cuffs? Should not sing Adele. Assuming between Erika and Lauren Grey, American Idol just didn’t want to make it a wide-open race for average-sized females. It would be super weird if they starved them all, ya know? Jennifer Lopez can’t even feign, well, anything, as she tells Erika she has WHOA made it. This is a woman who made a good portion of her fortune as an “actress.” Who is this woman’s agent? That agent can sell anything. Anything. That agent essentially murdered Fiat’s potential U.S. sales. SCARY POWERFUL AGENT.

Chelsea Sorell
Do not remember this one, but she wants to be a country singer and a mother so we probably would not have a lot in common. Not that everyone should have things in common with me. Chelsea gets a point for not being Lauren Alaina. Chelsea makes it through because they need a country singer + a reason to play Carrie Underwood. Chelsea should not even be able to lick the dog shit off Lauren Grey’s shoes.

Baylie Brown
Baylie went blonder since her audition, but she still looks like some weird Denise Richards-Ashley Olsen hybrid. Bailey is cute. She is entirely bland. Baylie Brown is perfect for American Idol because she is blond and bland. Really? Baylie Brown over Lauren Grey? Really? And you couldn’t even try to do a better fakeout, Steven Tyler? You guys are soooo predictable even if you haven’t seen the spoiler list that was leaked, hell, over 1.5 months ago?

Cowboy Richie Law
It’s probably better I just let my esteemed-yet-reluctant colleague take most of this one.
Dewb: [Upon hearing Heejun's apology to Cowboy Ritchie's parents] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Upon hearing Cowboy Richie's desire to be one of the greatest singers in the world] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Upon hearing Cowboy Richie sing]: No. No. No. Just NO.

Cowboy Richie did not make it. His former singing partner Jermaine–whose rotator cuff he nearly tore–seems happy the Cowboy is sent off on his way but still gives him a hug. That Jermaine seems like a nice guy.

Heejun Han
I love Heejun. One day, oh one day, an Asian will win a bullshit televised karaoke contest. Heejun. I want it to be you.

Ryan: So you said you’re sweating, Heejun…what are you sweating?
Heejun: Mostly water.

Heejun works with special needs kids who he credits with getting him out of a depression. Heejun better stick around awhile if I have to keep watching this shit. Heejun rules. And hey, his New York State Of Mind was pretty good, too. He also knows when is the right time to kiss JLo’s ass. And he’s confident. When he gets his ruling, he is looking forward to “immediately hugging and kissing Jennifer Lopez.” Usually I would scoff at such things and just dismiss someone for having such thoughts but Heejun Han matter-of-factly declares:

That is every EVERY Asian man’s dream.

Dewb: Jeremy Lin’s achievements in New York will mean nothing until he gets to kiss Jennifer Lopez.

Steven Tyler jokes around and calls Heejun ugly. He then tells him he’s a better star than a singer so they’re gonna put him through. SAYS A LOT FOR AMERICAN IDOL. Oh man. I sort of also dig the Phil Phillips bromance. I hope they play mean pranks on that Colton Dixon.

Jessica Sanchez
As with all of the younguns, I hope they DO NOT make it. I do not want them to earn high school degrees via correspondance courses. And seriously kid, you’re 16. Do not sing You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman. I bet you also bust out some Bonnie Raitt I Can’t Make You Love Me, right? Miss Sanchez also can’t even bust out a sob story without sounding like an entitled brat. My parents have spent so much money on me. My mom can’t work a job because of me. STFU entitled princess who sang some sort of sedative in her final performance. Jessica Sanchez is a waste of a slot. She’s a candidate for the teenage Disney Princess Ballad role. Oh STFU about how you’ve been doing this all of your life. YOU ARE 16. Well…she doesn’t seem too bright so she probably wouldn’t be going to college anyway. Jessica Sanchez will likely not make it out of the Top 20. And if she does because of some string pulling make it to the Top 12, she will be going home faster than you can hum a few bars from the theme song from Pochahontas.

Phil Phillips
Despite sometimes veering into Dave Matthews territory on the occasional big money note, Phil Phillips still needs to just win this entire thing. Phil Phillips is always the one who will win. Doesn’t matter how many Disney Princess Ballad Girls and Country Pageant Bimbettes are sent in to do battle. The Phil Phillipses of the world will always slay their competitors with the disarming grin and acoustic guitar. At least on American Idol. Because a girl will never win American Idol. Even American Idol knows this, hence, giving Phil Phillips the “cliffhanger commercial” spot.

Colton Dixon
Colton Dixon irritates me. Colton Dixon champions the soft pussy “rock” songs of successful former male contestants who sold their soul to sing in the key of Nickelback. He’s also an uber-Christian. Colton Dixon. Just soooo earnest. But I think the thing that always bugs me about this one is how his poor sister always gets screwed. And he feels bad about it, I don’t doubt it but…His hair, ya know? His hair. He dedicated his final song to his sister. I think it was by Daughtry or David Cook. Or maybe Train. Sure as hell if I know. Once JLo opens her mouth, esteemed-reluctant-colleague Dewb starts laughing hysterically.

Dewb: That would be an amazing stage for a game show. I like his hair.
Me: You’re kidding, right?
Dewb: No. I do. If you’re gonna have ridiculous hair, go big.
Me: You’re just saying that because you don’t have any hair.
Dewb: I have plenty of hair. It’s just not in the right places.

Naturally, Colton makes it. His sister pledges to see them again next year. Really, Schuyler? Really? These people just keep shitting on you. They give you a free trip to Hollywood. To Vegas. And then they shit on you.

Brielle Von Hugel
So stage mom Camille seems to be raising a wannabe Stefani Germanotta. Her daughter is pre-Gaga-Gaga but probably without the ability to play an instrument or write songs, so she’s in training to be on a reality show, obviously, which is incidentally what she is doing on American Idol. Camille has likely twice-appeared on Bronx Beat. Camille has been causing a ruckus since they got to Hollywood. Brielle is wearing a most god-awful skirt during her big-decision performance. It is also absolutely terrible. Cruise ship nonsense. LAUREN GREY YOU GONNA BE A BIG BIG STAR WITHOUT THESE JAMOCHS.

Dewb: [on Brielle's Killing Me Softly] She has picked the worse emotional response to this song proving she has no idea what it is about.

Agreed. And her skirt was terrible. As is the gigantic flower. Plus Brielle sounds like one of them Helen Keller languages.

Adam Brock
I don’t remember this guy’s name. Sadly for him, it is impossible not to associate him with Danny Gokey for whatever reason. Because he has a wife and a kid, I guess. Even though Danny Gokey had a dead wife and no kid. But this guy has a goatee and they kind of sound alike, but Adam Brock is better because he doesn’t wear a giant cross. Oh yeah! His name is Adam Brock and his infant daughter is wearing Brielle’s big ass flower, but it looks even bigger and even more stupid because its about 2/3 the size of that kids soft infant head. Can people just stop with the damn headbands? Who the hell cares if your little girl doesn’t have enough hair. Your kid doesn’t need it. Are you that worried about instilling society’s stale gender roles while children still don’t even have down basic motor skills? It’s as bad as Jennifer Lopez feigning concern about Adam not knowing himself as an artist.

Dewb: This guy is pretty good. So why is he on American Idol and not singing in a bar somewhere actually making some money.

Anyway, the judges reduce Adam to tears and I swear I heard Randy tell him to get on his knees and beg. And then…nada. nada. Cliffhanger. Poor Adam Brock likely pissed himself during this nonsense. It was like a goddamn Stasi interrogation.

Let’s hope I can handle another 2 hours of this morass tomorrow night. Maybe Dewb will join me. He might be around a few other times this season. Unlike me, he has some musical inclination and ability so he may offer added value. I also got him into Ice Loves Coco. We may have to make some tard signage for Heejun Han or something.

Goodnight, handful of readers. XXOO. Photos will happen. Just gotta find that damned camera battery charger…Oskar must have done something with it.

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Sara Barielles, I mean Tripster The Hipster Brittany Zika, but she LOVES Sara Barialles. (How the hell do I spell that?) Brittany is a nanny/SOCIAL MEDIA TECH. Wow. Never heard that one before. Is she a ninja? A guru? A rockstar? Tripster Hipster sings a Brandi Carisle song and truth be told, she has one of the more interesting voices I’ve heard all season. She is even a bit reminiscent of Season 9′s Megan Joy — who totally became a wearer of bird things! Zoinks!

Then Brittany Zika’s mom may have done the splits. But it might not be her mom and maybe just editing. In any case, a stout middle-aged woman proudly and ably did the splits.

Since we’re in Portland, there will likely be many would-be comedians with ironic Tumblrs angling for air time.  Maybe this is one of them. This guy is sick. Like, he’s been sick since Tuesday. He also “sells cable TV on the street.” Ben Purdom is 18 and sort of looks like a non-deformed gay Rocky Dennis. It’s almost too obvious when he says he will be singing Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. And he does in some gargling falsetto. And then he does Nicki Minaj’s Superbass and the judges think its better but still terrible. It might be terrible, but so are Randy Jackson’s Dalmatian glasses. Seacrest muses what his voice would have sounded like had he not been sick — then his audition is sped up Chipmunk-style and well, you know how it goes. On American Idol, the fat ones, the gay ones, and the foreign ones who can’t really sing are “fair game.”

Jermaine Jones is 6’8″ and has an adorable mother. Jermaine is rather nervous and his beard needs a trim, but I’m a sucker for sweet black men with adorable moms on this show. And I don’t even care much for the music of Luther Vandross.

On Day 2, Jennifer Lopez can’t find her black tights. Maybe her backup dancer is wearing them. Young male backup dancers : aging pop divas :: 90s supermodels : aging rock stars. Just throwing that out there. The first contestant we meet already looks to be ripe for some TopIdol hating…

Blond. (check)

Blond young mother. (Check)

Entire entourage wearing I HEART BRITNEE shirts. Check.

Obnoxious-erroneous spelling of an already white trash name. CHECK.

Seriously, am I gonna have to do a pie chart on how many girls named some variation of BRITTANY go to Hollywood? Britnee Kellog comes in and announces all teary-eyed she is 27, has two sons, and their father played basketball so she let him pursue his dreams but then he started sleeping with other women. She then sings the woman-been-done-wrong anthem You’re No Good and her voice is kind of fun and husky and so she sort of redeems herself, but her sob story schtick was a bit over-the-top for just walking into a room and meeting 3 household-name people whom you’ve never met and then those damn t-shirted people come in. Yikes. Get this one out of here.

Sam Gershman is probably a dance teacher because she has everyone doing the Electric Slide or Zumba in the holding tank. She is frighteningly perky and energetic. She has big breasts. Randy thinks her last name is Gershwin but then no one laughs when she says funny, her dad is named Ira — punctuated by cricket sound effects, of course. They could have chuckled, right? Sooooo…you pretty much know she’s gonna suck on some level even if you didn’t see her doing some sort of dramatic reading in a before-the-break preview.

Ms. Gershman doesn’t really suck. She’s just VERY musical theater. Steven thinks she would make a good Easter Bunny (huh) and she reminds him she is Jewish, but he says that’s no big deal. They tell her no and for about 2 seconds, I’m almost appreciative of JLo being somewhat nice in her dismissal.

David Weed says he’s a fast food employee. He is balding, and wears glasses and argyle. He sings Rush’s Tom Sawyer. I sort of adore him just for that, because there have been times where I smoke weed and sing Tom Sawyer, mainly so I can garble something that I think is the chorus followed by do-da-do-da-do-da-doo-dooo-dooo. I’ve done this ever since I was a senior in high school and this guy we’ll call Steven B. asked me if I wanted to skip class and do “resin bong hits” and then pulled a big red Graffix out of the back seat as we pulled away from the school parking lot while Rush played. Hey, don’t judge. This was after my college applications had all been filed, mmm-kay? Anyway, Randy Jackson basically tells David Weed he sounds nothing like Geddy Lee. David wants to be a standup comedian but I don’t think anyone finds him funny. Don’t you guys get it? THAT WAS HIS ACT.

WHATEVS. I’m a fan of David Weed.

Romeo Daihn was born in Liberia and spent part of his life in a refugee camp before coming to the U.S. in 2001. We already know Romeo is good because we go off-site and get back story. Romeo is Daihn is absolutely adorable and sings Bob Marley’s Is This Love. I don’t know how much farther he could get other than Hollywood Week because his voice is very distinct. But Romeo’s smile makes me smile — as does HIS tiny entourage of one girl two giants!

Naomi Gillies must be the designated I’m-ga-ga-for-Steven-Tyler girl because she wants to sing one of his songs. Pause. Okay. It’s not the Armageddon one. Naomi is a student from BOSTON! And she kind of looks like a white-white-girl Rashida Jones. Also very cool. Some notes were maybe a bit off and while she’s nothing you’ve never heard before, there’s something quite skilled and likeable about this one. Unanimous yes.

PARADE OF BAD PEOPLE

No go for the Candy Raver Purple Rainbow Unicorn Princess…or the one who looks like he just got a fresh bit of forehead acne out of nervousness which may have been because he just finished a big debate meet before auditioning…sad Filipino girl…some cartwheeling girl in gold leggings…

I strongly suspect a few of the aforementioned actually WERE good — just not what “the judges were looking for.” Lots of tears. And camera blocking. Sads.

Manchild Ben Harrison is sort of like a Human Whipit. (Perhaps Demi Moore can inhale him from a big manchild-sized balloon?) Ben laments he gets hired as a frontman but often gets fired because he’s too baby-faced and inexperienced. He then belts out Queen’s Somebody To Love. Not quite Freddie Mercury. BUT AT LEAST HIS FAMILY AND HIM ARE GOING TO GET PIZZA. (The would-be comedian is strong in this one…)

RYAN: When we return, one more audition that will leave the judges stunned…

GIRL: When he woke up…he didn’t know who I was.

JLO: Wow.

Oh here we go. Bright side? It’s ALMOST OVER.

For Jessica Phillips this is more than a single dream, it’s a step towards a miracle. You know what’s weird? When I hear Jessica’s story, I feel much more sympathy for her than I ever did um, a couple of those previous male contestants with dead or comatose wives/girlfriends. Perhaps its because when Jessica talks about D’Angelo, she just sounds…a bit more sincere. D’Angelo randomly had a stroke in April 2010. He’s had to learn how to talk again and he can talk, albeit slow. But he’s present, ya know? And this was footage they shot AT HOME. Jessica didn’t wheel the guy in with a feeding tube.

Singing Faith Evans, Jessica has a completely competent contemporary female R&B voice, with an ability for quickness which lends itself to maybe…something more. Maybe she’s just not a one-note “diva” — although if she actually did make it past Hollywood Week, you know exactly how she would be pigeonholed.

Some other people made it, apparently a bunch of people that were never shown. I swear one girl was wearing a wedding dress (a mini-wedding dress but STILL) and another one looked just like that Robert Pattinson kid. Oh. And I actually almost got misty eyed when Jessica and D’Angelo hugged outside the audition room once she got her golden ticket. IDOL YOU MANIPULATIVE BASTARD.

Ok. So who else can’t wait until Hollywood Week — aka THE BEST WEEK OF THE ENTIRE AMERICAN IDOL SEASON? Also: If you feel like commenting, I encourage you to do so. I just installed Disqus (working with it on another project and wanted to test-drive it here, especially because you can use a variety of accounts with it) so let me know what you think.

One more thing: Since it is February 1, the first day of Black History Month, I really wanted to call this post PORTLANDIA CALRISSIAN. But I did not. Yet I still typed it.

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