Chik-fil-a continues its quest for worldwide dominance through American Idol. Season 7′s Michael Johns is now Tweeting about chiky-chik-chik goodness. (Me? I don’t recall ever having a life-changing meal at this place, but I’ve never been on American Idol. Maybe I’ll hit the West County Center food court the next time I’m in the Lou, let all of you know what I think.) Side note — I do kind of feel sorry for Michael Johns, as he is forced to use an underscore in his Twitter account because some teabagger from Jersey shares the same name.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS OUT. It seems Jenny from the Block / J. Lo. / One of the lamest narcissist bitches you will be lucky to never meet was just was too demanding and Idol judges shit-canned her ass before she even signed on the dotted line. Perhaps UMG knows she can’t sell albums? Perhaps no one wants a closet Scientologist at the judges’ table? Perhaps the bitch just wanted too damn much, because all she ever does is want want want. J. Lo, you peaked with Out of Sight and when you wore that sheer Versace robe with the merkin-of-bling, even though my mom has a Dillard’s private label plus-sized muumuu that’s really not dissimilar.

Of course, perhaps Kara DioGuardi threatened to kill herself if she could no longer be on Idol or something. Wait. I should not be referencing suicide — although Fantasia is out of the hospital. But Shit-For-Brains must be pissed since she has her Republican politician Daddy complaining about it on TV. The producer’s haven’t called her! Doesn’t that mean you’re out of work? Why is your Dad talking about this on a political-centric show? Jesus Christ. Sen. Scott Brown’s daughter was on American Idol and you don’t hear him talking about it, granted Ayla Brown was on the show about 5 years ago and she wasn’t a judge or anything. I think I just wanted an excuse to post THIS:

WAIT! These GossipCop people claim J. Lo is still in the running to judge everyone’s not-favorite shit show. I bet she’s paying them with Dianetics and Glow to say such things.

Poor, sweet Casey James…if he’s gonna help the little people out, it better be some nice midgets…

Big Mike Lynche better make Casey a good sandwich tonight. They’ve been eating GOOD lately. Then again, Big Mike hasn’t missed a meal since he was a zygote. They’re even eating sandwiches in daylight now! In the desert! Big Mike, I never thought I would call myself a fan but dude, you need your own Food Network show or deli or something. Maybe you could tag team 2-foot bacon cheeseburgers with the Man vs. Food guy or something, I dunno, but you if you’re not totally set on pursuing this singing stuff, the world is your buffet table. Take all the plates you want.

CLUBEN happened tonight. In NYC. In the ladies’ room of the Hammerstein Ballroom. Yeah…THIS is how you close a show, dammit!

Isn’t this guy a newlywed? Does he ever spend time with his wife? Jason Castro, all you do is eat and sleep in food courts and airports. And in between, you likely play your guitar and take bong hits, maybe watch some baseball. It’s cool, Castro, it’s cool. I had no idea Kumar’s woman had a sister! Score!

Spread the word. Do it.

This has nothing to do with American Idol. I just love Joshua Jackson. PACEY CON!

Nigel Lythgoe might be returning as Idol’s executive producer! Who was that idiot who took his place? Something Warwick? Produced pageants and the ilk? Anyway, say what you will about Lythgoe, who may or may not be a prick (homophobic or otherwise), Idol was kind of more entertaining with him on it. Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to save the show, sans begging Simon & Paula to come back or voiding the contracts of Kara DioGuardi and (sorry, Ellen!) Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, even though Randy Jackson is as useless as tits on a bull, he’s kind of…nostalgic at this point in Idol’s sad existence.

Speaking of Idol’s sad existence, the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken tour (Cluben!) has begun. This should be a warning to any little boy who wants to try out for American Idol. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU? Sadly, the video has been removed before I was able to watch it. If someone gets me a copy, I will provide full face-palming commentary.

UPDATED! (Thank you Jim! And H20Convo!) WHY IS THE FIRST THING I SEE…CLAY AIKEN GRABBING HIS CROTCH?

I would still actually see this man if he performed in a bar down the street because I know the show would actually be fun.

Meanwhile, on the current American Idol tour, Michael Lynche, Casey James, and Andrew Garcia continue to stuff sandwiches down their throats late at night. This time, Lee DeWyze makes a guest appearance. And what were the sandwiches they so enjoyed on July 24th? CHIK-FIL-A.

The Huffington Post’s Melody Breyer-Grell wrote that Adam Lambert is having an identity crisis, even though 85% of the article humped his leg effusively. (Breyer-Grell is mostly spot on in her assessment of Lambert’s career, and she is clearly someone who truly admires his talent. The article was HONEST.) Naturally, 85% is not good enough for the most ardent of Lambert fans. Uh oh…Did somebody say CHIK-FIL-A?

I find the need to mention Adam’s sexuality in an article about his talent offensive. I have done my Adam Lambert research, in fact I have written a book and many articles about Mr. Lambert. Adam does not suffer from an identity crisis. What you are looking for is simplicity in a complex person. Adam may be the boy next door in an interview, but he is the sexually provocative, thrusting, grinding, and testosterone laden Alpha male on stage. He is multifaceted and is always true to himself. There is absolutely nothing about Adam Lambert that is not genuine. The fans at his sold out tour venues will not agree with your assessment of his authenticity. Lambert is a man driven by his desire to make an artistic statement. Adam’s artistry encompasses his style, staging, and his ability to enrich every lyric with emotion. He is arguably the most gifted vocalist of his generation and a capable dancer. Why should any great artist limit their means of expressing themselves other than by the boundaries of their capability? Adam should sing whatever he wants to sing and I will go to his concerts and buy his album.

Kris Allen was in San Diego. He sang some songs during two sold-out shows at Anthology. Here is a video of Falling Slowly so you people get off the previous Idol Quickies thread. (Courtesy of SnapCracklyPop)

David Cook had breakfast with his father and brother yesterday. If you too, had breakfast on Sunday, you are likely destined to marry David Cook.

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

Ruben Studdard is performing some throwaway R&B number. There is nothing current or relevant about his performance, as I expect it to be played on Delilah-Love-Someone-Tonight’s syndicated nightly radio show. I never watched a single episode of Ruben’s season, but I like the guy. He has also mastered the art of SMIZING. Tyra Banks has nothing on the Velvet Teddy Bear!

Is Sam Worthington in the audience? Why has Ruben Studdard become a vegetarian? Naturally, Ruben needs to stand next to heir apparent, Michael Lynche, who is…wearing a ponytail? Like a My-Little-Ponytail?

WHY THE HELL IS RUBEN STUDDARD TOURING WITH CLAY AIKEN? Wow. How the not-that-mighty have fallen.

The Claymates will be happy.

Awww, look. Ryan made a funny.

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME — EVERYBODY WAS FAUX KUNG FU FIGHTING

The Top 10 borrowed some waiters’ uniforms and went out to film a Ford Commercial. I do not believe any of these people know kung fu.

I really do not want to make a Kim Jong Illin joke right now. HE IS EVEN WEARING RED! RED! Hello propaganda poster!

Casey is the “odd man out” of tonight’s Ford ad. He wore a t-shirt and drove off in the Ford. I think the moral of the story is to not fight with one another and drive away…in a Ford.

After the commercial, we learn Siobhan Magnus was behind Michael Lynche’s mystery My-Little-Ponytail. (And in case you cared, his wife likes it.)

Ryan goes through and asks the contestants what they felt about the judges’ critiques from last night. Mama Garcia is now wearing plaid! Mama Garcia will never be Mama Yamin, but the woman is now even beating Casey James’ mama as most fashionable Idol matriarch EVER.

To continue on with tonight’s Clash of the Titans promotion, the cast of the film got drunk at the London premiere and were forced to film a greeting to the Top 10 American Idol contestants because their balls are owned by Fox for the time being. Never mind none of them are American nor would ever watch American Idol. I actually do not mind this crap tonight because a) Idol sucks ass and b) I like looking at Sam Worthington for whatever reason.

Lee DeWyze is safe. But his pants are still falling down and he still looks like he might vomit. Casey James is safe. Seacrest asks Aaron Kelly if he’s ever been in love, but uses it to involve Simon in some nonsense. Simon, in turn, tells Seacrest its not the Oprah Winfrey Show. And then they fake fight again. And then Seacrest allows Kara DioGuardi to speak and she says something lame and unoriginal about Simon being in love with himself. Even Ellen is keeping her mouth shut because this dog & pony show is so lame.

Its Siobhan vs. Smug Teen Witch! YAY! Smug Teen Witch is TOTALLY in the Bottom 2! You know something? I no longer want to hear the judges debating on what the frak kind of artist any contestant should be. This shit should be figured out before they go on the program. And the homoerotic tension-filled faux fighting between Simon and Seacrest is just so mind-numbingly lame, its like watching –

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Die. Bieber. Die. The Imp of Hades is finally taking some of Ryan’s candy! It seems his performance will be aired during next week’s results show, after the contestants sing selections from the Lennon-McCarthy songbook. (Because we all know how well that turned out the first time…AND the second time.) You think John Lennon wanted it this way? Huh? Is this anyway to honor the man’s memory? Justin fucking Bieber.

Usher comes out and sings his newest release. It’s better than Yeah Yeah Yeah but then again, the sounds of someone taking a shit in the stall next to you are infinitely better than Yeah Yeah Yeah. Is Usher even singing in this number? He ain’t rapping. He’s just talking. Usher is wearing a derby hat and there is choreography involving the aforementioned derby hat often seen in high school girls’ pom squads. Then that will.i.am idiot shows up.

will.i.am : pop music :: Chef Boyardee : pasta

Is it just me, or do these people all hate each other?

Didi is in the Bottom 3. As if this was a shock to anyone? Drunki is clearly about to break down. It would probably be in everybody’s best interests if she goes home tonight. We also learn she gets nervous playing guitar on stage, even though I thought she was all singer-songwriter girl. FAKE. Drunki at least, accepts her fate. She also gets points for not hugging Smug Teen Witch as she takes her seat beside her.

Seacrest’s fake out to Michael Lynche fools no one, but it does give Big Mike to bring on the feats of strength like its Festivus morning! He also may have grabbed Seacrest’s nuts, not sure.

Since we all know Crystal Bowersox is a-ok, its going to come down to Tim Urban and Andrew Garcia for that final spot in the Bottom 3. Sadly, we know this will be Tim Urban, whose incredible Idol run should not end just yet. I don’t understand why they are so perplexed as to why Tim Urban smiles all the time. The kid was HOME SCHOOLED. HOME SCHOOLED. Of course, even Tim manages to semi-charm me with his reply when Kara asks him why he smiles all the damn time. It’s a good attitude to have, and frankly, she should just shut her useless trap if she doesn’t get it. Oh yeah. Shit-for-Brains is a failed pop singer stuck writing shitty songs for other people. She’s not even allowed on stages in front of large audiences.

Of course Tim Urban smiles all the time. He was a homeschooled child of Jesus. Life is lollipops, DC Talk and a closet full of American Eagle to wear to all those church lock-ins and youth ministry night.

BOOOOOO! Smug Teen Witch is sent back to safety.

Before we get to send Drunki or Teflon Timmy on their way, we must sit through a Diddy performance. Diddy Dirty Money. The smoke machines are on full blast. And the lights go crazy. I bet $20 an epileptic has already called Fox because there was no fair warning about extreme strobe lightage for this episode.

YES YES YES! It’s a VFTW victory! Tim Urban is safe safe safe! And Drunki gets to break down on stage one final time. The judges aren’t saving her ass, even if she’s doing Stevie Nicks. Sadly, its the best she’s sounded on the show, although she’s still not very good at expressing the true emotion of a song. The judges, naturally, act like asshats and talk about shit their maid said while she’s performing.

So yeah…um, Idol? It’s still a girl’s year, right? You get it now, right? The people voting for your shit show uh, don’t usually vote for the girls and now, half the girls are gone.

Keep smiling, Teflon Timmy, keep smiling.

Spread the word. Do it.