Paula Abdul is joining Simon Cowell on The X Factor!!! Why the hell do we even need American Idol anymore? This new show might even be entertaining.

Kudos to Simon for bringing back Paula. Shrewd awesomeness. What a nice little birthday present for TopIdol. (Yes. Today is that day. And I’m starting my new job. Big big day.)

What do you think of this casting? Will you definitely be watching The X Factor, even though it will likely be chock full of dreadful ballads? Color me Spandeau Ballet. I’m actually looking forward to this karaoke chaos.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED. But I think this happened when Osama Bin Laden was getting his ass handed to him. Kismet.

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

And if you want to see a bit of what I was doing in Vienna, and check out my new NON-AMERICAN IDOLS, please take a gander

As I hear the familiar music and see the all-too familiar scenes from last season (“The country was split??”), I remember that I don’t have any Percocet and I feel like I should take some prescription medication as a sort of black armband for Paula, ya know?

Seacrest tells me I should be prepared to be blown away by this year’s talent. Frankly, I am rarely “blown away” by anything on this show. I see that the weird-girl-in-hippie-dresses-with-the-dog-who-is-in-a-cult tries out again? And that Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi went a bit overboard on the Botox in the off-season.

This No, I’m the Next American Idol stuff is uber-lame.

Okay. The girls who yelled out they loved Kara did so without a hint of irony. I want to hunt them down and smack them around a bit. And then Posh Spice shows up. I know this may sound strange, as she stands for most things I despise, but I actually kind of LIKE Victoria Beckham. She is actually quite humorous

Janet McNamera
Pocket Full of Sunshine

First off, I have these Karaoke Revolution games, and I figured out how to beat them in 2005. And I have a terrible voice, but I can actually get a Gold Record on EXPERT when sing Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time. I also don’t wear shirts where my gut is exposed, but that is neither here nor there. Hey, I’m sure Janet is a very nice person and we already know where this is going…into auditory hell.

Since this is an obvious one, let’s check out Shit-For Brains’ Botox again, shall we? I never thought it would be possible for someone to look like more of a Madam Tussaud’s exhibit when standing next to Ms. Victoria Beckham but Kara has done what was previously thought impossible.

PROPS for Janet for continuing to call Kara Paula. Shit-For-Brains makes me hate her more with the constant I’m not Paula, I’m not Paula. Of course you aren’t, beeyotch. PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE PAULA!!! Go back home and shove another needle of nerve-paralyzing bacteria into your forehead and save us from your constant barrage of drivel.

(BTW, why, in all these years of American Idol, have I never seen anyone I’ve know in the audition rounds? Conventional wisdom would just make one assume…I mean…I can’t be the only one who thinks this, can I?)

Maddy Curtis
Hallelujah

Family footage + down syndrome brother + even more adopted siblings with down syndrome = we already know she goes to Hollywood. But kudos for the 16-year-old, whose voice seems is more classically trained than anything else, to say she is doing a Leonard Cohen song. I can’t hate on Maddy because she has a mature presence for a teenager, has probably never been in a pageant, said she was doing a Leonard Cohen song and oh, because you are not allowed to hate on anyone who is devoted to bettering the lives of developmentally-challenged individuals. I can, however, continue to hate on SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI and her INCREDIBLE STATIONARY FOREHEAD as much as I damn well please. Hell, she’s an exception to the rule. Bitch could adopt a whole damned orphanage of malnourished autistic child lepers in a war-torn African principality and I’d still call her a worthless piece of shit and cry for my sweet, sweet Percocet Paula.

Simon basically says what I was thinking (i.e., she’s not annoying like most 16-year-olds) and she gets her golden ticket. Outside the audition room, her mother and two brothers greet her, one of which is wielding a balloon animal. The younger one seems is fascinated with Seacrest’s belt or something and YES OH YES I KNOW I KNOW I AM GOING TO HELL I PROMISE I WILL STOP I AM GOING TO HELL.

Pat Ford
Some show tune I don’t ever want to know oh wait it was actually Womanizer

The 17-year-old from Derry, NH inexplicably does not have a popped collar. I thought he was singing a show tune, but it was Britney Spears’ Womanizer. He also called Simon sassy. He is gayer than The Blue Oyster Club in Police Academy. Oh, and Shit-For-Brains can barely move from her entire neck up.

Three Non-Blonde Girls Who Can Sing But Probably Won’t Go Far Because They Are Grouped Together In Quick Succession

Jennifer Hirsh
I like her because she isn’t a toothpick and has brown hair and is jazzy. She can stay.

Claire Fuller
Can we say Casey Carlson 2.0? Her voice was dull and tepid. Cute face, mediocre vocals. Will be axed early on in Hollywood if there is any justice in the world. (Posh likes her voice, then again, Posh was never really known for her knockout vocals. That’s why they let Sporty handle most of the Spice Girls vocals. You know this by now.)

Jess Wolfe
I think I like her. Glasses! But was she singing gospel?

FIST PUMP! FIST PUMP! American Idol is pimping Italian-Americans! GUIDOLICIOUS!!

Amadeo Dericco
Amadeo is from Providence, RI — just like Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly Delvecchio! I hope they are cousins and have big pasta meals together and fist pump while Italian dinner music plays in the background. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi keeps trying to move her head, but it only bobs back and forth a little bit. She tries to get all Italian with Amadeo, which is just as annoying as when she would call Lil Rounds girl, even with her last name. I cringe when she says hell, yes, my fellow pizon, however, then Randy “Tits-on-a-Bull” Jackson calls him my brother, my pizon and I just…oh well, FIST-PIMPING GUIDOLICIOUS WELCOME PARTY waiting for Amadeo outside the door puts a smile on my face…as does the juxtaposition of little Ryan Seacrest standing amongst a gaggle of boisterous PIZONS.

No, seriously, America, do you get it? It’s abundantly clear now, isn’t it? No one wants to see desperate woman make fools of themselves in the hopes from getting a rose from some dude with a teeny roid peen and an alleged career in real estate. It is no longer cool to use IDF in the hopes of birthing a litter and getting a TV show out of the deal. No one wants to see reenactments of women who didn’t know they were knocked up. (Peggy Olson is fictional and therefore does not count!)  America wants to see people they might actually not mind waiting in line with for the toilet. They want Guidos, dammit. GUIDOS. AMERICA WANTS MORE GUIDOS!

I rest my case.

Derek Hilton
What Do I Have To Do?

Christopher Akins Blue Lagoon hair, a lapsed supply of Proactiv, and beginning with the statement, I’m a very spiritual kind of guy…plus the whole “filmed in and around the building” package…

Why did Randy Jackson call him baby? Ok. This guy is clearly a budding actor. He describes his voice as a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles and says how he like how Chris Brown touches children all over the world. He sings through his nose. Shit-For-Brains still cannot move his forehead. Tits-on-a-Bull keeps looking at his Playskool watch.

The hopes and dreams of a bunch of other people are killed. I imagine most of these were the ones who probably had a fair amount of talent and were cut for the obvious plants or people with better sob stories, so it kind of makes watching the cry uh, SUCK.

Mere Doyle
Piece of My Heart

The self-described anime freak (I’ve already forgotten the actual Japanese word for this) has a “filmed in and around the building” package, that coupled with the “weirdness” (Uh, hello! Anime is WEIRD for American Idol! Weird! Bizarre! The judges think she is terrible and this makes Mere ANGRY, so..there’s some arguing. I’m bored so I nuzzle Oskar. (I’ve missed him! We’ve hardly had any quality time together since before Christmas!) Shit-For-Brains tries to be all Paula-esque and calls her sweetie, talks about how she wants to give her a hug. Uh, listen up, bitch. YOU ARE NOT PAULA!

Earnest Acoustic Males with Guitars, Sensitive Souls, Nice Pectorals and Trendy Knit Beanies Audition Quickie (Because clearly last year was fixed and Adam Lambert REALLY won, right?)

Luke Shaffer
The NYC-based waiter (re: actor-model-singer-do-you-want-my-headshot) is like the love child of Kris Allen and Silver Spoons-era Rickey Schroder. I want Eddie’s Toys to come riding in on his little train with a cigar hanging out of his mouth right now.

Benjamin Bright
Bright is an elementary school music teacher with a capella tendencies. If he weren’t so damned TAN, I would peg him as automatic frau bait based on his resume and clear ability to harmonize alone.

(Hey, has anyone else been distracted by the fact the this season’s American Idol backdrop suggests they are blowing up the entire Eastern Seaboard?)

Both guys make it. Shit-For-Brains jumps up and down with unbridled excitement with Bright gets the go-ahead, and I suspect he triggered something in her loins. Or she just desperately wants to move her face from the nose up and is trying anything at this point.

Andrew Fenlon
House of the Rising Sun

BTW, in case you really bought the whole “unemployed musician” story, this is the music of Andrew Fenlon. Fenlon acts like an asshole, the judges get pissed, particularly Simon and Shit-For-Brains. Tits-On-A-Bull and Posh are pretty much room decor at this point, as Shit-For-Brains tries desperately to become Simon’s new foil, as well as all sorts of RELEVANT.

You need a spanking.

You know what you need, songwriter-extraordinaire Kara DioGuardi? You need a big ol’ can of shut the frak up.

Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Do you really think people like hearing you talk?

Oh jesus christ. This year, everyone is trying to top that whole “dead wife” thing, aren’t they? Conventionally attractive male cancer survivor? Grandmother with Alzheimer’s?

OMG THEY GAVE KRIS ALLEN A REAL FORD COMMERCIAL

So I guess Alright With Me will be the second single? This is probably old news, alas, I’ve been away…

Thank you, American Idol, for making fun of collegiate music students who live down the street from me. It was actually sort of amusing…sort of…

Bill Bloom
You sang Kiss From a Rose so you could sing your last name right?

Michael Ryan
Aspiring musical-comedian who really isn’t all that funny.

Ashley Rodriguez
The Alicia Keys song I just want to DIE DIE DIE

Ashley has twice as many teeth as I do, but I decided I didn’t like her as soon as she began singing that GOD AWFUL ALICIA KEYS SONG which has earned a solid place behind Don’t Stop Believing, I Can’t Make You Love Me and I’m Telling You I’m Not Going and Julia Roberts’ laugh in the category of Things I Never Need To Hear Again. But Shit-For-Brains just LOVES her, which makes me hate her. She calls her COMMERCIAL. She calls her SULTRY. Am I the only one who thinks Shit-For-Brains talks entirely too much? I feel like I’ve barely heard any of the other judges speak. Tits-On-A-Bull-Playskool-Timepiece hasn’t even fully annoyed me as he usually does by this point because HE BARELY GETS TO TALK.

Tyler Grady
Let’s Get It On

Catchy name. Retro hair. Tight jeans. Two broken wrists, the result of injuries sustained when falling out of a tree. (This seems like a siren’s call to those remaining Jason Castro Frauen who didn’t jump on the Adam Lambert bandwagon, doesn’t it?) I feel he may practice his moves in a mirror while watching Oliver Stone’s The Doors, but I am enjoying Posh’s occasional fashion critique for whatever reason, perhaps because her British accent is so damn soothing — especially when sitting besides the grating shrill of Botox Bitch. Tits-On-A-Bull makes the Jim Morrison comparison. Uh uh uh, Randy. It’s the Val Kilmer rendition, not the REAL Lizard King. So obvious.

We now see a bunch of people who got golden tickets. I have no idea if we will see any of these people again, but they all sort of look the same, like people from previous seasons.

(If you’re live near me, you may have noticed the Massachusetts Democrats/Martha Coakley for Senate bought a We can’t afford Republican Scott Brown ad during tonight’s show. This is just a tiny bit ironic as Brown’s daughter was Season 5 contestant, Ayla Brown. Or I thought it was ironic…but I probably missed the pro-Brown ad, its gotta be equal…oh wow do I need sleep.)

AUDITIONS: DAY TWO

Lisa Olivero
Vision of Love

This chick’s North Shore accent is incredible. I love how they show her waitressing so she can say broccoli for whatever reason. They also allowed her to say Billerica, which reminds me of something…wait…hold on…jesus, I totally taught someone to say Billerica like that recently…it was a German or a French dude…or Spanish? This totally was while I was in Austria, I know it. I just cannot remember…OMG I want to go to bed. I am delirious.

It turns out Lisa sucks, even though they filmed her doing stuff off the premises.

Ryan Keane
I’m just waiting for a terrible audition to make me laugh, because none of them have done this so far. Billerica almost did, but I just like hearing the word Billerica.

Montage of people who suck donkey balls or are trying (and failing miserably) way too hard to make me laugh…

I feel sorry for Simon. He so wants out of this job. He also wants to cut Botox Bitch.

Mike Davis
Yesterday

Codzilla driver (why have I never even seen a brochure for this?). Heavy Boston accent (just exchange things ending in -a with an -er sound and vice versa). Looks a bit older than 18. Solid voice. Probably a tendency to shave weird things into his facial hair. Botox Bitch wants to hang out with him on the Codzilla. She starts babbling on about all sorts of nonsense. Actually, he should take her on the Codzilla because it would be so easy to toss her off when you’re going those high speeds. It would be a service to humanity.

Posh totally wants to cut her.

And people wonder why Simon wants to quit this dog & pony shit show? Poor Simon. Poor sweet Simon.

Tits-On-A-Bull has even had enough and follows Simon out of the room. Tits-On-A-Bull is suddenly becoming likable by default. He is now the lesser of two evils. Leaving that room out of sheer frustration at that nonsensical idiot almost endeared me to Randy fraking Jackson. This is either the worst jet lag ever or Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi just sucks THAT much.

The 16-Year-Old with a Sob Story Whom Everyone Goes Nuts Over

Katie Stevens
At Last

Don’t get me wrong, Katie Stevens has a great voice and I feel bad for anyone watching someone suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, which I’m telling myself over and over again when I hear Katie sing At Last — a song I still think should only ever be sung by Etta James and retired entirely from wedding receptions. And I’m just so damn sick of the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 people, especially since Alison Iraheta is the only one who has ever not eventually annoyed me. Oh. And I totally miss Percocet Paula, dammit. This show sucks without her. SUCKS.

Wait. Hold it. I don’t know if I can ever like this girl. She came with a cheering section of about 30 AND they already have FLAT KATIES. FLAT KATIES!!!

Joshua Blalock
Some country song which might be Brad Paisley because I think I once heard him sing something referencing Northern Stars?

Victoria likes his voice, Simon says it sounds like he is 14 and not 28. They think he might be too nice and make him practice his assertiveness by having him

I could see him in a new group that sings Spandeau Ballet kind of music…hey, so? I love that band!

Ok. Randy. When did you become semi-funny? And oh, wouldn’t the band he’s talking about kind of be Il Divo? Yes? No?

The tedium at which this show is…but coming up is an inspirational story of courage, and I am fading. Fading fast.

(Oh, MA residents, there is the Republican Scott Brown ad again. He’s talking from his kitchen.)

Okay. For the first time all night, I’m laughing. This dude and his rendition of All By Myself. That’s gold, I tell ya. Gold.

Now here is a couple that actually may actually have to clean more hair out of their drains than even myself.

Justin Williams
Feeling Good

Conventionally handsome. Twinkling blue eyes. Seven years ago, was doing mission work in Spain (Jesus Cristo!) and discovered he had cancer. (Dios Mio!) Possibly Mormon (Jose Smitho!) Obviously, Justin tried out last year but didn’t make it. The only thing I can rationalize is that he FAILED TO PIMP HIS CANCER. Perhaps he decided, after seeing like, some HEART HANDS and DEAD WIFE PHOTOS last season, that he needed to bring up the whole “I had cancer” stuff. I imagine he wanted to get by on the merits of his talent alone, I always have hopes for that, too, so I can’t begrudge the guy…but that hopeful naivite is probably why he only had a TINY bit of screentime…and only for a brief moment during Hollywood week, but then again, the other guy in the photo of him didn’t get much airtime either.

NOW FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE SHOW WHICH I DID NOT WATCH UNTIL NOW

Norberto Guerrero
Everytime We Touch

I’m really not sure how you could sing a dancepop song by Cascada. Nor why anyone would want to look like LaToya Jackson. Nor why I have found Randy Jackson semi-amusing this episode. Or why am I becoming a legitimate Victoria Beckham fan. This season is just…bizarre because its so utterly NOT bizarre.

Bosa Mora
Sorry, sob stories. Bosa’s delightful Nigerian family is too adorable for words. I hate you, Shit-For-Brains, because you sound so stupid when you say things like star power. Posh, you rule. Idol producers, while I do love Rusted Root (Ecstasy was always their finest song), I do find it a bit cloying you deliberately put something with “ethnic drumming” to highlight the African dude. For whatever reason, I kind of love Bosa.

(The commercial breaks in this shit are excruciating. EXCRUCIATING!!)

Leah Laurenti
Blue Skies

We already know Leah Laurenti is going to blow the judges away. While I’m curious about her “cult-like” upbringing (ooooh, if she makes it farther, will she have a sketchy sect/church I can investigate??), the dress needs to go…maybe some bleaching trays…yeah, I’m being petty. The girl can sing. I like her voice. I like her voice a lot. A lot. I can’t really say anything bad about her. It touches my heart, not being able to say anything bad. Ooops. Yes, I can. She claims to be a BIG FAN of SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI!!! I am going to just assume she is lying for the sake of gratitude and/or kissing ass.

Boston = 31

Spread the word. Do it.

What’s the fun in that?

SYTYCD is taking advantage of the Yankees-Angels ALCS only going 6 games to give us an hour of dancing and the Goddess Cat Deeley. Of course, I think it may be for 1980s British Hair to tease the public with this “fourth judge”.

For all the hell Nigel Lythgoe gets, Idol was better with him at the helm. He may catch flack for his seemingly anti-gay humor (I think he’s just being British — Americans tend to take things way too seriously in the name of political correctness) but 1980s British Hair is a smart man. He knows everyone LOVES Percocet Paula! They’re probably gonna have to stock more Captain Morgan backstage now that Ms. Abdul is coming aboard, but yay for Nigel to showing Paula some love. Frak you, Idol. America loves kind-hearted crazy people, not those with a vocabulary limited to the words dawg and sing and phonebook; and SHIT FOR BRAINS who can’t get their numbers right and write songs like No Boundaries and Open Toes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0KUaL9X5Yo

So now we know Paula Abdul isn’t one of the million or so Americans out of work right now. While I have a feeling she would be fine financially, I must admit, I do like me some crazy Paula on my crappy reality talent contests. I don’t want to buy the woman’s jewelry or anything, but I’m not looking forward to an American Idol (not like I actually anticipate that garbage in the first place) without Paula Abdul. I think Ellen DeGeneres is great, but hey, she’s no Percocet Paula.

I want to get drunk at a trashy, country & western mechanical-bull bar with Mary Murphy and Paula Abdul. This thought just came over me. Because it would be all sorts of awesome. We would have to have a driver, but that’s cool, because I’m a safety first kind of gal!

Back to this show…and the season’s first group dance!

Comanche (The Revels)
Wade & Amanda Robson

Sweet. SYTYCD is telling America’s youth that it’s okay to smokey-smoke. And Mormon Mollee Moron, I believe, looks like a painted on…

I’ve always loved this song, ever since Pulp Fiction. And I’m digging this group number because its truly a production. I’m also thinking tapper Bianca Revels is going to be a force to recon with in the upcoming competition.

Beggin’ (District 78 Remix) — Madcon
Tabitha & Napoleon

This week, they’re choreographing the three hip-hop dancers — Krumper Russell Ferguson, B-Boy Jonathan “Legacy” Perez, and Kevin Hunte. Whoo hoo. Russell Ferguson is actually from Boston. Not that I’m all about rooting for hometowners, but it’s nice to see a couple of kids from the area represent.

The routine is fun, energetic and all that jazz. Everyone is good, however, I dunno…Russell Ferguson seems to be a definite standout for me. I also wonder as to if anyone stuck money in their hats at the conclusion of the performance. People are crazy, ya know?

Oh wait…I spoke WAY too soon. All the cute sorority girls they bus in from USC came rushing up waving dollar bills. I bet that shit was counterfeit. Not because these three fine young gentleman don’t deserve the Washingtons, but ya know, this is SYTYCD, the sister show to American Idol...this stuff is as fixed as RuPaul.

Why do I often enjoy 1980s British Hair’s sincere enthusiasm? Why do I want NappyTabs to teach me hip hop dancing? Where is Sonya Tayeh? I miss Sonya.

Crying — k.d. Lang
Tyce DiOrio (Contemporary)

Nathan Trasoras, Jakob Carr, Channing Cooke and Ariana Debose are this season’s contemporary dancers. I thought Tyce Tyce “>DiOrio only did Broadway. Color me stupid. If he’s doing contemporary, where the frak is my girl Sonya??? Ariana notes Tyce is more a director than a choreographer. Dude. I totally thought a choreographer WAS a director…of dance.

People are running around in ripped, cream-hued garments to a k.d. lang song. It’s like a Massingil commercial where the chick not only loses her fresh feeling, but also her dog. Lovely, yes. But this type of contemporary dance is putting me to sleep. I want angry Sonya back! Tyce’s “sadness” dance is too overwrought with faux-emotive theatrics. It may be contemporary, yes, but it’s still Broadway.

But it doesn’t take my love away from Nathan and Channing!

(In case you were wondering, I’m saving the Mary-Murphy-Glass-Is-Almost-Empty game for the voting rounds. And HELLO?? So glad Paula gets to drink out of a transparent unmarked glass now! WHOO HOO VICODIN HOO!!!)

TAP IS THE NEW GAY

Take the “A” Train — Ella Fitzgerald
Derek Kaye Grant

Tappers Peter Sabasino, Bianca Revels, and Phillip Atmore–this season’s THREE tappers–are performing together with a brand new choreographer. I really have no idea as to why the tap contingency has been ignored for 5 seasons of SYTYCD. It’s tap dancing for chrissake. Remember Gregory Hines? That man was amazing. Saw him once, not long before he died. On my 23rd birthday as I left the Russian Tea Room. Gregory Hines was standing outside talking to two friends. He wasn’t tap dancing, but it was still awesome. RIP Gregory Hines.

Plus, everybody loves tap dancing. It makes people smile. It’s classic. Timeless. And hello? A Rastafarian was teaching them this routine. How is tap not cool? Forget about tap dancers, how bizarre is it that there’s never been a tap dance on the show. This is so refreshing after so many Massingil commercial contemporary routines. I like the tappers. And I’m really starting to adore Bianca Revels.

1980s British Hair still thinks its gonna be tough for the tappers, because the others can’t do tap…but they have to do everybody else’s style. Hey, color me stupid, but my niece has danced her entire life. She’s majoring in dance (and math) in college and she’s now taken up aerials. But until college, she was always, ballet/tap/jazz. It’s like the standard curiculum…so it’s not like these guys are going in with ZERO other dance experience.

(Anyway…you know that feel-good magical negro sports movie Sandra Bullock has coming out, The Blind Side? I kind of want to see it. I’ll wait until its on cable. Sometimes I like feel-good sports movies but there is no way in hell it’s gonna be better than the Goldie Hawn classic Wildcats.)

JAZZ HANDIES

Oh groan. Ellenore Scott, Pauline Tata and Mormon Mollee Moron show up for their jazz rehearsal with…

On a Cloud — PPP
SONYA TAYEH!!!

Sonya claims its difficult for her to teach girls how to be sexy when she’s not sexy at all. WHATEVIA. Sonya Tayeh is totally sexy. Because she’s Sonya Tayeh. And frankly, she puts out some of the most innovative and imaginative routines seen on this show. I also end up downloading at least 1 or 2 songs per season because I discover them through Tayeh’s routines.

It makes me sad Mollee gets to hang out with Sonya so soon. But the other girls are coolio for now. They managed to straighten Mollee’s hair…but she still looks idiotic. Ellenore and Pauline seem to move more naturally…it just doesn’t seem as forced with them…so they should stop giving Mollee excess solo moments. This is supposed to be a “sexy” routine, but her youthful (Utah) naivite is uh, definitely making her seem about 14-15-years-old again. Adam Shankmann thinks Sonya was able to make jazz hands and tutus sexy, which is uber-difficulty. He also thinks MMM danced with maturity. Meh. Have you noticed they’re telling them ALL nice things tonight? It’s all a ruse!

THE EXPANDED GUIDE TO CONTEMPORARY LIVING

And our second set of contemporary dancers take the stage, including Billy Bell, who was forced to drop out of the competition today due to illness. After reading the official statement from Billy Bell’s family, all I can say is GET WELL SOON. The poor guy. I really hope he makes a full recovery. It’s terrible, and hopefully, he will dance again and most importantly, return to his studies at Julliard.

Victor Smalley, Billy Bell, Noelle Marsh and Torture Tears Kathryn McCormick are paired up with Mandy Moore. Mandy Moore always seems so nice. I like her. She’s goofy.

Jesus christ. ANOTHER BLOODY TOENAIL ON SYTYCD!!!

I guess they’re doing…Viva La Vida?

Viva La Vida — Coldplay
Mandy Moore

There is a cheesy wooded backdrop. I think they are supposed to be forest people. Mormon Mollee Moron’s BFF Noelle Marsh is 20x the dancer MMM is. They keep doing those leaps and stuff. You know, that contemporary crap, yet I rally can’t begrudge their talent. I can’t do any of that stuff, not in a organized routine, anyway. And right now, I really don’t care what they do as long as I don’t have to hear Torture Tears speak or EGAD cry.

Adam Shankmann offers a nice history and explanation of contemporary vs. jazz styles. Contemporary is rooted in classical, while jazz is more about characterization. I like Adam Shanmann. Plus, he made Hairspray. Considering not only my black heart, but also my refusal to see 98% of anything featuring a noted Scientologist (Hey, it pains me every Sunday night to know Peggy Olson sipped the barley water as a child.), lemme just tell you how much I LOVE Hairspray. If you don’t like Hairspray, you suck as a person and at life. You probably all kick puppies and kittens.

BALLROOM BLITZ

Everything I Can’t Have — Robin Thicke
Jason Gilkison

Let’s gear up for a fancy threesome with ballroom/latin dancers Karen Hauer, plus husband & wife finalists Ryan DiLello and Ashleigh DiLello. This might be fun…or at least the inspiration for an adult movie writer/director or something.

Appropriately, we have the whole love triangle thing going on in this little ballroom number, which reminds me I know nothing about Robin Thicke except his father was on Growing Pains and I met him when I was 12. And now he does commercials hawking time shares on manmade swamp land in Las Vegas or something. I’ve heard this Robin Thicke is quite popular with the kids these days. He sounds like he’s aiming to be the adopted love child of Michael Buble and Justin Timberlake. But the song is kind of fun, as is the dance. And in case you were wondering, Ashleigh gets her husband Ryan back by the end of the song.

I don’t think Crazy Mary Murphy is busting out free tickets to her Crazy Captain Morgan & Vicodin Hot Tamale Train until the judging rounds begin, but she thought they were hot hot hot like Buster Poindexter.

Tomorrow night, this shit show returns for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Ugh. But…I think PERCOCET PAULA WILL BE THERE!!! So take two and read me in the evening.

I promise.

Spread the word. Do it.

I LOVE COCO. The woman has turned camel toe into art.

Coco had a meeting with Simon Cowell last week, as reported via Tweet:

http://twitpic.com/fqhl5 – Simon Cowell from last weeks meeting in LA.Thats the same floor that we have in our Miami crib. We have similar taste.

I really, really, really hope this photo she posted to her Twitter is a sign of things to come and she’s negotiating a deal to be the fourth judge on Idol. While Neil Patrick Harris is absolute perfection, I think he could share duties with the incredible Coco, don’t you?

I don’t think anyone could really replace Paula Abdul, but Coco is the best person for the job if these bastards refuse to bring Paula back. COCO IS LOVE. I often wish Coco and Ice-T would adopt twins and name them CHai and LATTe. I would throw them a shower, even though I’m not a big fan of baby friends.

Spread the word. Do it.

I finally got around to reading the Los Angeles Times’ four-part interview with Kris Allen.

Best part:

That sent you through to Simon, Paula, Randy and Kara. What was that like?

We waited forever for the judges to get there. Finally I’m the next one to sing and I have to pee so bad. I’m really nervous and I have to pee, and I’m thinking, “I’m going to pee on myself on national TV. That cannot happen.” I asked, “Can I go to the bathroom?” I was told, “No, there’s no time.” And then by the grace of God or something, Paula spilled her drink on herself and they had to take a break. I ran to the bathroom and Simon and Randy walk in. I was at the urinal and I don’t know if I was supposed to be in this bathroom. I was going in the closest one I could find. And they surround me at the urinals. Simon’s peeing next to me on the left and Randy’s on the right and they’re having this conversation. I was really nervous before and now I wasn’t nervous anymore. They pee like the rest of us.

Kris Allen is humble, self-depreciating, pleasantly unfiltered, supportive of his fellow contestants, knowledgeable about music and dryly humorous in every interview. Kris Allen’s parents show ZERO signs of being greedy grifters who will sell fan club packages priced at $400. Kris Allen talks about urinals and PAULA SPILLING HER DRINK. Kris Allen plays the VIOLA. Kris Allen writes his own music. Kris Allen talks about urinals and PAULA SPILLING HER DRINK!!!!!

After perusing a monster thread regarding the Adam Lambert Smellygate interview on MJs a few times today, I couldn’t help but wonder (yeah, I was having a Carrie Bradshaw-voiceover moment):

Doesn’t it say something when a lot of Idol bloggers seem to universally agree on a particular contestant? While the Adam Lambert Glamberts are entering Claymate-levels of batshit craziness and Danny Gokey fans make hand hearts, if you frequent the blogs, you would see most Idol bloggers (independent and otherwise) seem to all really, really, really like Kris Allen. Perhaps it’s because I write this shit blog that I think there is something to be said about this observation. I sort of think Kris Allen may end up being the most critic-friendly of the majority of male Idol contestants and/or winners.

Yeah, I’m counting myself as an Idol blogger. Also counting MJ, Jim Cantiello, Michael Slezak, Rickey and even VFTW and Idletard. We all like Kris Allen. I don’t think any of us would make a puffy paint shirt proclaiming our feelings towards Kris Allen, but hey, at least we always spell his name correctly.

Spread the word. Do it.

As an added bonus, the woman who does their Kara DioGuardi is insane. She out-Kara’s Shit For Brains like you would not believe. The Big Gay Sketch Show also sums up the uselessness of Randy in under a second.

Thank you, Logo. I’m now going to sit on the floor, with my lone houseplant between my legs, as I clap a seal and wash some Percocet down with Captain Morgan & Diet Coke. (Really. Tell me what better activity you have planned for a Monday evening?)

Spread the word. Do it.

When I saw ads for More to Love, I was…I was SHOCKED. Seems pretty degrading, no? And I only watched the first episode after about 5 people kept yapping to me about it the next day, and they all talked about there being meat-on-a-stick and girls who cry over never having a date. I never watch crap like The Bachelor, so why would I watch this…?

Because I kept hearing about meat-on-a-stick. And hell, I like meat-on-a-stick, but I wondered about a show where “large” women are looking for love, why they make food and body image such an integral part of the plot? If this were truly a show about size not mattering, don’t feed larger women or show them soaking wet, flopped upon the pool area like the beached whale in Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone.

Obviously, my favorite is the “opinionated” gal from Oregon with tattoos. Because she actually looks fun. Many of these women are very attractive and several of them, well, I saw several who were more curvy than fat.

Jesus Christ. The show opens with them all MAKING FOOD. In the KITCHEN. Oh please. And they’re talking about the stuff they eat, or usually make for themselves. Granted, I would probably talk about this sort of thing while making food in a kitchen with a bunch of other people I just met, however, since this is More to Love, food MUST be an integral part.

Now Emme comes in and tells them they all get to go on their date with Luke. They all cheer. The fun one, Bonnie, she is still my favorite. Homegirl actually has style and wears an expression clearly asking what the frak am I doing here???

Then we have Melissa. I think there is a Malissa, too, she was bitching about some girl named Christina…who I think may have been the girl who jumped in the pool on the premiere. Oh I have no clue, all I know is that Melissa is the one who had never been kissed by a guy she went on a date with (i.e., made out with drunk guys at parties occasionally), nor has she ever been on a date. She cries a lot. She also cried during the first episode about this being her ONLY chance to find love.

Melissa is 21. 21. So please, continue to sob about this being your LAST CHANCE AT FINDING LOVE. Oh christ, she is sobbing again in the little interview done over the big “you’re going on a date with Luke” scene, which is mainly amusing me because all of them look so hopeful, Cool Bonnie wonders what the hell she is doing there, and meanwhile, the Lone Cougar forgot to remove the tag from the bottom of her shoe. Hey, at least Lone Cougar shops for bargains, because those wedges were clearly on sale. (Hey…Luke seems to have some money, this is a good thing for him to know, mmm-kay?)

(This has nothing to do with anything, but there is some random guy in my neighborhood singing Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me. Is tonight the full moon or is it tommorrow? Is he, too, watching More to Love??)

Back to show. Melissa was crying because they’re degrading the women again by having them pick teams. Basically, this show serves to bring out every insecurity ANYONE has, multiplied by 10,000. Because these are BIG GIRLS. Let’s have them pick teams, just like in grade school. Hell, they wear PROMISE RINGS which they have to give back before judging. No rose, a PROMISE RING. I also believe there is a prom episode coming up and tonight, well, tonight it seems they will be wearing swimsuits to a pool party date.

This is the show People Magazine says “has heart”. Another reason I don’t read People. I only know this because they use it on the ad.

Cool Bonnie hasn’t been picked yet, but she seems totally fine with chilling on the sofa in her Cool Bonnie sunglasses. But then she is picked, and Christina is all teary-eyed and insecure because she was picked last…or not picked…they all think she is a snob. Hell, they were bitching about her in the kitchen.

Emme tells everyone they know how horrible it feels to be picked last, but today, we’re CELEBRATING being the last pick, and Christina will get an ALONE DATE with Luke.

HA HA HA. SUCK IT BITCHES!!! HA HA HA. Your catty nonsense just screwed your asses. Go cry into your box of Ho-Hos. (Yeah, that was mean…but while I probably wouldn’t hang out with Christina, I still haven’t seen the girl cry and since I realized she wasn’t the one flopping around in the pool last week, I’m more okay with her than some of the others. So yeah, bitchy big girls, suck it. Your plan backfired.)

Lauren, well, if I were her, I would be pissed the makeup crew didn’t cover my big honking forehead zit. Unless she is just trying to endear herself to me and grow Quatto the Mole, that shit just doesn’t fly.

Christina is happy now. Her smile totally says suck it, bitches.

Oh yeah. And Lauren is a total bitch. And Danielle is the one who decided to cannonball into the pool the night before. Kristian is smitten. Heather wears a lot of clothing which flaunts her ample bosom. Cool Bonnie is still cool.

I’m really looking forward to this first date. I’ve heard about the struggles they’ve gone through in their datings lives, and I just want to put them at ease. I want them to feel comfortable with me.

Oh, Luke. You are such a humanitarian. And now they’re on a yacht called the Dream Maker. I think I’m going to puke up the Dunkin Hines brownie batter I consumed an hour ago. Oh, wait. I’m not going to puke, but a few of these ladies are losing their cookies (or Ho-Hos) before the boat even leaves the dock. Cool Bonnie, waitress and girl-in-polka-dots are not amused. I don’t think Luke is, either, but he might go hold their hair back or something so it doesn’t end up as just one more struggle in their dating lives.

Well he doesn’t do this, because he doesn’t think The Puker wants him, too. Yawn. He’s telling this to the blond chick (Malissa) he made out with during the last episode. I kind of think she’s gonna win the whole thing, although she’s reeking of pathetic I’m-so-into-youness right now. (Hey, I’m not saying I haven’t done this, however, at least I realize I am while doing it…or at least 5 minutes later, but I’ve never done it on national television so…)

Just as I thought, Malissa is a vindictive do-or-die twat. You know those kinds of girls, the ones who are all so sweet and innnocent and sugary around men or you, when they want something…Malissa is a fake bitch. She should not be trusted.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Puker Girl hacked another round, right into his cabernet?

Puker Girl FREAKS OUT. Well, by freaking out I mean she starts to cry. She thinks she ruined her first date with Luke and only hopes she gets a second chance. (COMMON SENSE FLASH: 20 girls and 1 guy does not a date make. I have no idea why this simple fact is lost on reality dating show contestants time and time again.)

I’m not here to make friends. I’m here for myself, and I got another one out of the way. Watch out ladies, I got my eye on the prize.

It’s official. Malissa is the evil twat of the show. Cool Bonnie was talking to her a bit, and Malissa did some fake laughter. Cool Bonnie shouldn’t even be sitting next to her. You obviously have to hide your beverages from Evil Beady Eyed Blond because she will put something in it to make you throw up all the yummy meat-on-a-sticks. And then Malissa got more screen time, blew smoke up Luke’s ass about how great he is. And then they kissed, and she made a point of telling him the other girls will be jealous, as they should be.

After Malissa (aka Evil Beady-Eyed Blond) stole Luke away with her manipulative she-devil talk, everyone sat down for DINNER. Because this is More to Love, remember, and everyone must EAT. I’ll live with it only because Cool Bonnie finally gets a chance to speak. She has no qualms about eating a good meal. Malissa nibbles at her salad and speaks to the other women as if SHE is hosting the dinner party.

Kristian lets loose. GO KRISTIAN. You tell that dumb twat off, who, it seems, DID NOT GET FAT UNTIL AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. HA! Well, explains why she’s such a bitch, but I must say I am pleased to learn the bitch put all that weight on during college while doing keg stands and going back for seconds in her sorority house dining room. While Kristian can be a bit over-the-top in her adoration of Luke, most of them do this, and I have to give the girl total props for letting loose on Evil Beady-Eyed Blond.

How am I supposed to love somebody if I can’t even see them?

Oh Heather, wipe away the mascara. You know Malissa poisoned your ass. Luke, ever the gentleman, goes down to check on Puker Girl as she rests on the sofa. And then she complains about guys cheating on her, or being mean to her, and how all of her friends have love but she does not…

Heather is 22. 22. And she’s a crier. I always thought you were not supposed to talk about that sort of thing when you first meet a guy. Kristian now thinks Luke is her boyfriend. Malissa acts like her manipulative bitch self, blah blah blah. Commercial break.

OMG. More to Love Tyra Mail, ooops, I mean Notes from Luke, well, they come attached to a giant replica of those damned promise rings all the ladies wear. This show is DEPLORABLE. Sadly, the Note from Luke is all about Christina’s private date. All the other girls are pissed.

I’m kind of jealous Christina got the one-on-one date. It makes me sad because I’ve never been on a date.

Hey, Melissa, SHUT THE FRAK UP. We get it. We know. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE. And would you PLEASE stop crying?

Lauren, ok, I thought you were a bitch, but you may be growing on me because I think QUATTO THE MOLE is growing on YOU.

I don’t know about you, but Luke may be some sort of freak. The way he talks about curvy & voluptuous women just comes off as…I don’t know…the way he talks…is someone else feeling what I’m feeling here? Come on.

Christina does look very nice, though, and I’m glad she got to go on the private jet to Vegas. I’m sure Malissa is back at the house sticking pins into overstuffed voodoo dolls and putting bad things in their food. Meanwhile, Kristian keeps talking about Luke. Lone Cougar also thinks this is ridiculous.

Christina starts telling Luke about how she’s been cheated on. Hey, Christina, and Heather, was it? Lots of people get cheated on. Lots of people get their heart broken. They kiss a little bit in a suite…but of course, they can’t spend the night there and it is time to go home. I’m frightened that I noticed he’s only really used tongue with Evil Beady-Eyed Blond, but that’s probably because he still does not know if he can connect on a deeper level with Christina.

I think these girls need to stop talking about themselves all the time when they’re with this guy, what do you think?

ZOMG! Another Note from Luke. Didn’t believe me about the giant ring, did you?

Guess what? The gals must put on their swimsuits and wait out front for Luke and his limo. Naturally, this brings out insecurities. Especially in…MELISSA. And of course, she starts crying. (Uh, were the show’s shrinks monitoring her ass throughout filming? Just curious…that’s all. This poor girl…was this really a good idea for her to be on the show?)

I’m sure it was intimidating for their first date, for all the girls to be in swimsuits, so I just wanted them to feel really comfortable with me.

Oh, that Luke. He is such a humanitarian. And then he began feeding girls margaritas.

Oh, Melissa stop your crying. Your swimsuit is really cute. And all it took was Luke taking off his t-shirt and doing a cannonball in the pool to ease all your body insecurities for the time being.

It is official. Kristian is batshit crazy. Mandy might be, too. They both left love notes on his door…with little flowers attached.

Lauren is the “aggressor”. Whatever. She knows Luke will not be able to resist the allure of Quatto the Mole, if, indeed, Quatto has been reincarnated on Lauren’s forehead. Melissa gets some more one-on-one time with Luke. He just gives her a peck on the lips. (If you’re keeping score, Krazy Kristian got a kiss on the cheek.)

Has anyone else wondered about Lone Cougar’s career? It says she is a cabaret entertainer. Hmmm…and her name is Arianne. (It’s been taking me a bit to pick up on these gals’ names, but I’m trying.)

Lauren gets to make out WITH TONGUE with Luke. Score one point for Quatto the Mole.

(On another unrealted note, the brownie batter at 11pm…totally PMS…because I also soooooo want to see The Time Traveler’s Wife. Granted, I would watch Eric Bana do about anything, but then I think, oh, Rachel McAdams is in it, and I like her, and this movie has rain and is all about timing and love, just like The Notebook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatevia. I really enjoyed The Notebook when I watched it on HBO a few years back. Let me be. I just exposed some of my secret sensitive side here, so…let’s just pretend it never happened.)

It’s the pre-elimination cocktail party! Cool Bonnie finally gets to hang with Luke. She opens his eyes or something, about how he can’t judge a book by its cover. Oh, come now. Cool Bonnie is cooler than any other chick in the house and hey, when she says she wants to be a “50s Housewife”, take heed. Because she’s even got the SICK 50s CLOTHES.

Kristian needs to just start humping Luke’s leg right now or else I have no idea what will happen. I’m worried about Kristian. She’s busting out the runaway bride eyes on this guy. And she thinks she’s falling in love with him. She’s known him what, three days?

YES! For tonight’s pre-elimination cocktail soiree, they’ve even brought back MEAT-ON-A-STICK. Of course, Malissa looks like a twat while enjoying such tasty food, perhaps because she says how excited she is for some of the girls to be going home tonight, or maybe because, uh…she’s just an all-around bitch?

Heather gets some one-on-one time. She even gets tongue kissing, which probably wasn’t going to happen the other night because she ralphed. Lauren probably crucified herself because she started talking smack about “older girls” Arianne and some 32-year-old. Not good, Lauren.

All the girls must NOOOOOOO return their rings to the ring bowl. I start to wonder why we haven’t seen more of the BEAUTIFUL Israeli girl. She could clearly be a successful model. So um, why is Luke making out with Evil Beady-Eyed Blond when she’s in the competition? (Or Cool Bonnie, or hell, maybe 7-10 others, I don’t know.)

WHO GETS RINGS???

Mandy

(Heather is already worried about being eliminated after they call one name. Or its edited that way.)

Anna

(Who?)

Amanda

(Who?)

Malissa

(Dumb twat.)

Christina

(Good. She DID get to go to Vegas.)

Cool Bonnie

(YES YES YES!!!!! She accepts her ring, and then we see Melissa’s teary-eyed interview. STOP CRYING NOW WOMAN!!!)

Heather

(Like he was gonna boot your ass after you ralphed.)

Lauren

(You only have one more chance because Quatto. Don’t be catty.)

Danielle

(Please jump into the pool again next week.)

Tali

(Oh good. She’s beautiful and we haven’t seen her AT ALL.)

Melissa

(Breakdown averted for at least one more week.)

Kristian

(Breakdown averted for at least one more week…maybe…)

Well, I would have chosen Kristian, too. Who knows what she would have done. Lone Cougar looks kind of beat up, and she cries, but come on, I somehow think she has ZERO problem meeting men.

YES YES YES!!! Next week is the PROM EPISODE. And guess what? Melissa CRIES…even though she tries really hard not to.

Spread the word. Do it.

Probably just part of the contract negoatiations, after all, talking head Seacrest scored $45 million for three years, and didn’t Simon secure $100 million or something? Of course, Paula wants her money. I would want my money…even if we all can agree their salaries are ridiculous for a few hours of spouting off nonsense every week.

I’m sure they pay Randy the least, but he doesn’t care, because Randy is just happy someone wants him around. If someone can find me one person who claims Randy Jackson is their favorite judge while also offering compelling evidence regarding any use he may have to the show, please, send them over. If they can provide a strong enough argument, maybe I will buy them a stunning piece from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection. After all, Paula may “need” the money if those pesky contract negotiations are not ironed out by oh, August 6th, when the judges finally go around to the audition cities and “judge” people.

And hello? I thought I read Kara DioGuardi was not coming back. Maybe I dreamed that one happy night. I was hoping we could just leave Shit-For-Brains in Maine for oh, eternity.

But really, I would be sad if Paula were gone. Paula may be batshit crazy at times, but the woman has a heart. And she actually does offer some pertinent criticism every once in awhile, even in those hazy halcyon days of Percocet-tinged yore. Randy just shouts the same damn thing out all the time and Kara cannot count for shit, as well as a bunch of other crap I cannot even list off the top of my head.

But Paula, you see, Paula is good people. The contestants love Paula. The viewers may roll their eyes, but they love the Simon-Paula banter. Paula loves animals. She may make jewelry which turns your skin green and say things no one else understands at times, but we all have our faults.

I say stupid things all the time. On this blog. In emails. In face-to-face conversation. I can’t hate on Paula for sometimes saying stupid things. She only says them part of the time, unlike Randy and Kara, who are physically unable to utter anything which does not fall into the stupid category.

Paula pioneered the sitting-in-the-middle-reality-TV-show judge role. Look at Mary Murphy on SYTYCD. Look at all the female judges on international versions of Idol. They are women with in the 38-48 age range, with big brown hair, over-the-top jewelry and/or cleavage, and play the role of good cop when it comes to telling the contestants what’s up. The reason there are so many judges in that vein are because of one woman who once danced with a cartoon named MC Skat Cat.

I’m sure Paula will come back, if she doesn’t, it will be Idol’s loss. And frankly, with faltering ratings and plummeting relevancy & popularity in the realm of pop culture, it would seem to be a pretty ignorant move on the producers’ part.

But for now, let’s pay tribute to Paula in pictures. Here are a couple of my favorites from last season.

Spread the word. Do it.

Ági from Hungary posted this video she made in dedication of Kradam.

We all know how I love my crazy fan videos, but I am really touched when someone sends me one from another country. Perhaps I should do one of those contests? Hmmm…let me think about this one. Of course, first prize may be one of the finest pieces from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection!

To Ági, thank you. Or should I say…Köszönöm?

Spread the word. Do it.