I am in a VIP police motorcade going to the stadium. We’ve just gone passed the “grassy.knoll” it’s all very exciting. GO PACKERS GO!!!

The Super Bowl is in Dallas, of course, and Lythgoe just went past the infamous grassy knoll. I’m pretty sure you may have heard about this grassy knoll before. And that book depository. Dealey Plaza. And that big assassination of that American president back in November 1963.

What does this tell me? Nigel Lythgoe just loves the excitement of a tragic story. Its as if this entire statement offers all the insight one needs into wondering why contestants seem to need a bigger sob story than actual talent. He’s in a motorcade. He’s being driven past the grassy knoll. IT’S ALL VERY EXCITING. You can feel his excitement growing. It’s probably much like how he felt upon finding out one of this year’s Idol hopefuls had a non-speaking fiancee confined to a wheelchair.

Perhaps Lythgoe is as rich and successful as he is because he is keenly aware of what works with the majority of the public and with a show like American Idol. Tragedy. Sob stories. Those one can view from the safe distance of your living room. Those which have no direct effect on one’s actual life. Let’s take a sob story and make a star out of them! Cancer doesn’t cut it anymore. Too many people get cancer. Boring. But how many people have dead or almost-dead significant others, can carry a tune, and be under 29 all at the same time? A young girl who came to this country as a refugee from war-torn Kosovo doesn’t cut it. You have your old girlfriend ready to pimp from your wheelchair and you have a penis, bullseye. You’re going on Oprah before they even show you in the Hollywood rounds.

Spread the word. Do it.

“All the seats are open,” Lythgoe told us at yesterday’s BAFTA/LA pre-Emmy Tea Party.

Then, in an interview with Sam Rubin and Jessica Holmes of KTLA, Uhm…Nevermind…

Lythgoe says that one seat on the panel has an occupant, and it’s Randy Jackson. Wait. Was that a confirmation? “I hope so,” he says.

But… what about Kara? and Steven Tyler? What the hell Nigel? The seats are all open? It seems like they’re starting to double up. Errrr…don’t you have a show to cast? I mean, like NOW??

According to sources close to the show, callbacks in front of the season 10 judging panel won’t happen till September at the earliest. -Michael Slezak EW.com

September, huh?

The Season 9 Idol Tour stopped in Crystal Bowersox’s hometown of Toledo, OH last night where she sang her original song “Holy Toledo”, and talked about helping a busker pick up some extra cash.

At the St. Louis stop of the “Idol” tour, Bowersox said, there was a street performer outside the venue who broke down in tears of joy after she sang along with him and helped earn him $1,000 in tips.

She’s good people .

photo credit: seizemusic

Crystal also got some love from our awesome Timmeh, who apparently ripped open his shirt to reveal “I <3 Crystal” written on his chest! I’ve been scouring IDF for pecs pics this morning. (REALLY IDF? No pec pics? sheesh.) In keeping with this theme….

Kris Allen’s tour (as both headliner and opener) will continue throughout the fall with the addition of recent dates. Starting in mid-October, he will be opening for Lifehouse. Currently, Kris has one more date with Maroon5, one headlining show, and three more dates with Keith Urban. He also has great ideas.

Great app idea: GPS tracker for your dog. App name: “Where my dog at?”

Evening Edition……………………………………

Adam Lambert was interviewed today on NPR for a piece about Freddie Mercury.

“He was completely over the top in the best possible way,” says Lambert. “Music, most of the time, is about sexuality, whether you are straight, gay or in between. It’s about love and sex. That’s rock ‘n’ roll.”

Lambert, as an openly gay performer, says he owes a debt to Mercury’s flamboyance decades ago.

“There’s definitely something missing in today’s music scene,” he says. “We don’t have a lot of men on stage doing flamboyant or theatrical. We have a lot of female pop stars doing it, but where are the guys? Where’s the classic pop-rock showman?”

Pop music today lacks the presence of such 70′s icons as Mercury and David Bowie. Lambert definitely did his pre-Idol homework:

“It’s supersexy,” says American Idol star Adam Lambert. He spent hours upon hours listening to Queen, trying to figure out how Mercury did it. And when he auditioned for Idol, he sang Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Read the entire article here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129476462

Spread the word. Do it.

Even The Goddess Cat Deeley and some halfway likable contestants could have saved this crappy season, as it’s been the equivalent of a Tyce DiOrio Broadway number. How many people went down due to injuries? Oddly enough, there wouldn’t even be a competition if Alex Wong’s run had not been tragically cut. (Did I lose interest then? I did love watching him dance.) Mary Murphy is at home drinking alone so we’ve been forced to endure a lot of Mia Michaels, who seemed to harbor an irrational hatred towards contemporary dancer Adechike. But let’s face it, the judges all seemed to play the asshat card more often than not this season (Did Shankman? He is kind of the Paula when it comes down to it, even though he’s coherent and constructive.), even The Goddess Cat Deeley called them out.

I have followed the show a bit but I cannot tell you when I last saw anyone actually dance — besides the spin-twirl-kick-sashay-strut stuff done by the contestants during the beginning credits. Even with the addition of the All-Stars, a group which included a handful of my favorite dancers from seasons past, the entire season just could not hold my interest. And with TWO HOURS of choreography every week?

Some thoughts…

The show kicks off with Kurt & Lauren Gottlieb doing a Bollywood number. Yes, it requires him to be goofy, but I never really felt he embodied it, nor did I think the routine was as “fast” as the judges claimed. All three fawn all over Kurt — they do want him to win — but All-Star Lauren was tighter and more precise. She was believable. Kurt was not…and no, it is not just because the aw-shucks farm boy looked like an aw-shucks farm boy.

Lauren Froderman, the last girl standing, she loves the Snooki poof. Since she’s sort of the default female in this Final 3, and the season boasted a very strong crop of male contestants…she will finish third. But in the politico-themed Nappy Tabs routine to Kayne West’s Power, Lauren ably holds her own against the incomparable tWitch, even if I keep thinking how awesome it would be to see Courtney Galliano in her place. (Season 4? 5? That first one I watched. It is still the best.)

Robert Roldan and Mark Kanemura. Dancing to Devo. I don’t even have to watch it to know it’s gonna be off the chain. Even if it is a TYCE DIORIO number. I have a feeling he just lived out several fantasies watching his handiwork, but yeah…both of them are hot. I must agree — Nigel says, it wasn’t even a Tyce routine. No, it was not. Because it was actually insanely enjoyable. And it’s impossible not to adore Robert and Mark.

Ok…I’m getting bored. And still wondering why male contemporary dancers always solo in J. Crew apparel on this show.

Spread the word. Do it.

This has nothing to do with American Idol. I just love Joshua Jackson. PACEY CON!

Nigel Lythgoe might be returning as Idol’s executive producer! Who was that idiot who took his place? Something Warwick? Produced pageants and the ilk? Anyway, say what you will about Lythgoe, who may or may not be a prick (homophobic or otherwise), Idol was kind of more entertaining with him on it. Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to save the show, sans begging Simon & Paula to come back or voiding the contracts of Kara DioGuardi and (sorry, Ellen!) Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, even though Randy Jackson is as useless as tits on a bull, he’s kind of…nostalgic at this point in Idol’s sad existence.

Speaking of Idol’s sad existence, the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken tour (Cluben!) has begun. This should be a warning to any little boy who wants to try out for American Idol. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU? Sadly, the video has been removed before I was able to watch it. If someone gets me a copy, I will provide full face-palming commentary.

UPDATED! (Thank you Jim! And H20Convo!) WHY IS THE FIRST THING I SEE…CLAY AIKEN GRABBING HIS CROTCH?

I would still actually see this man if he performed in a bar down the street because I know the show would actually be fun.

Meanwhile, on the current American Idol tour, Michael Lynche, Casey James, and Andrew Garcia continue to stuff sandwiches down their throats late at night. This time, Lee DeWyze makes a guest appearance. And what were the sandwiches they so enjoyed on July 24th? CHIK-FIL-A.

The Huffington Post’s Melody Breyer-Grell wrote that Adam Lambert is having an identity crisis, even though 85% of the article humped his leg effusively. (Breyer-Grell is mostly spot on in her assessment of Lambert’s career, and she is clearly someone who truly admires his talent. The article was HONEST.) Naturally, 85% is not good enough for the most ardent of Lambert fans. Uh oh…Did somebody say CHIK-FIL-A?

I find the need to mention Adam’s sexuality in an article about his talent offensive. I have done my Adam Lambert research, in fact I have written a book and many articles about Mr. Lambert. Adam does not suffer from an identity crisis. What you are looking for is simplicity in a complex person. Adam may be the boy next door in an interview, but he is the sexually provocative, thrusting, grinding, and testosterone laden Alpha male on stage. He is multifaceted and is always true to himself. There is absolutely nothing about Adam Lambert that is not genuine. The fans at his sold out tour venues will not agree with your assessment of his authenticity. Lambert is a man driven by his desire to make an artistic statement. Adam’s artistry encompasses his style, staging, and his ability to enrich every lyric with emotion. He is arguably the most gifted vocalist of his generation and a capable dancer. Why should any great artist limit their means of expressing themselves other than by the boundaries of their capability? Adam should sing whatever he wants to sing and I will go to his concerts and buy his album.

Kris Allen was in San Diego. He sang some songs during two sold-out shows at Anthology. Here is a video of Falling Slowly so you people get off the previous Idol Quickies thread. (Courtesy of SnapCracklyPop)

David Cook had breakfast with his father and brother yesterday. If you too, had breakfast on Sunday, you are likely destined to marry David Cook.

Spread the word. Do it.

So let’s try this again, shall we? I’ll start off by wondering, for the 5500th time, why this show must continue to be two hours. Unless The Goddess Cat Deeley is going to do a dress change for the second hour and I get to see my Sonya Tayeh more than once or twice, this shit is almost UNBEARABLE without hearing the shrill wail of the Hot Tamale Train’s lone conductor.

Alex Wong is gone and this makes me sad. I loved watching him dance. He had surgery. I hope he can dance again. I hope they’ve given him the good pills. And we may be down another one! One of the only two girls left, Ashley, seems to be injured. Oh noes! And Mia Michaels is dressed like Linda Richman going to Sunday brunch at the Forest Hills Jewish Center.

For one dance, they drew “random” all-stars. Somehow this doesn’t seem very random because why the hell isn’t Kent dancing salsa with Pasha. But Billy is dancing with some girl in a macrame slut dress. Jose received the gold star, which means he can dance with Dominic, one of the male characters one can choose when playing Dance Dance Revolution that’s inexplicably come to life from his animated form.

Mark Kanemura & Lauren Froderman
Tahitian
Jungle — Lost Voices

In the show’s first-ever Tahitian dance, Lauren (the girl who owns the macrame slut dress) gets to dance with everyone — and Lady Gaga’s — favorite, Mark Kanemura. Mark is from Hawaii, which is also a Pacific island where people dance in grass appendages, so this really doesn’t seem all that random to me. At first, I am frightened it will be akin to the somewhat culturally-insensitive ice dancing routines from those Olympics that happened a few months back.

They shook their asses, and their hips, and they wore native Tahitian costumes. I guess it was good. It made me want poi. Ok, not really, but I do wonder how long it took to Sharpie-on that mock-tribal tattoo on Mark’s delightful pectoral region. The judges have no clue how to judge it technically and Mia Michael says it was like a duck in heat. She has a duck in heat in her backyard right now. She likes ducks.

Anya Garnis & Adechike Torbert
Salsa
Oyelo Que Te Conviene — Eddie Palmieri

This is a traditional competitive salsa, but with more oomph. I’m pulling for Adechike because he’s got the cute nice guy thing going for him, his name kind of sounds like Ade, and I don’t like Mia Michaels hating on him when he does not deserve it. They really have it in for poor Adechike, as tonight he is forced to wear NEON LEMON LIME TRIM. The routine is one of the toughest Salsa numbers I’ve ever laid eyes on. Adechike was certainly up to the challenge. The choreography was fraking NUTS. Contemporary dancer Adechike was more than up to the task, even if they forced both him and Anya to wear such hideous outfits.

Mia, of course, has difficulty saying she enjoyed herself and thinks it could have been really good if they had a couple more hours of rehearsal. She doesn’t like his hips. Sure there’s gonna be a couple of bumps, but she would have found them if they had danced absolutely flawlessly. Why does she hate Adechike so much? Hip Hop Hooray Jose could have done that routine, been totally out of his element, and she would have heaped endless praise on he and his cornrows.

Courtney Galiano & Jose Ruiz
Broadway
Mister Cellophane (Chicago) – John C. Reilly

Joey Dowling Broadway routines are much easier to take than Tyce DiOrio Broadway routines, if only for the fact I know I won’t be listening to Ding Ding Ding Went The Trolley. This is a fact. Its about a stagehand loving a showgirl from afar and the music is Mister Cellophane, from the film Chicago, performed by John C. Reilly in a scene that literally brought tears to my eyes. John C. Reilly. One of the most talented bastards of our time. I mean, Mister Cellophane AND Dr. Steve Brule?

I digress. Jose’s emotive faces remind me of a Michael Jackson impersonator being told the monkey they stole and named Bubbles was sent back to the Zoo. Dowling truly deserves credit. This routine is one that focuses almost solely on the contestant with the all-star in an actual supporting role. But the entire thing left me a little flat. Perhaps I was expecting more after the high-octane salsa routine as seen before the commercial break? This just was not that good.

Mia has difficulty cutting Jose down because he throws down the sad face. She would not have let that stop her if Adechike was throwing down his sad panda face!

Allison Holker & Robert Roldan
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Fix You — Coldplay

Travis Wall choreographed a contemporary routine about his mother having surgery. This is a slam dunk and I haven’t even seen it. This is like the dancing equivalent of that Sarah McLachlan for the ASPCA commercial (or Mia Michael’s gorgeous routine from the showcase episode at the beginning of the season). They also have the evening’s best outfits thus far, in a Gap and Gap Body kind of way.

I’m still waiting to see astounding contemporary dancing I have never seen before, but hey, the shit was good and a teary Travis Wall and Robert Roldan kind of get to me. And now I have a lump in my throat. Robert is also hot. Allison did the Hallelujah number with Alex Wong, didn’t she? She is THE go-to girl for heartfelt emotional tragic dancing.

You knew Mia was going to lose her shit because of everything she’s gone through with her mother’s recent passing. The lump in my throat is getting bigger and I’m fighting it, but all I have to say is that I REALLY hope Adechike gets a sick mother routine next week. Adam wants Travis Wall to get an Emmy nomination for that. Travis Wall, I’ve only seen him as a choreographer on this show but he is really something special, and I cannot remember a routine of his that did not work.

Anya Garnis & Billy Bell
Jive — Louis van Amstel
Paradise by the Dashboard Light — Meat Loaf

Billy Bell playing the strong confident man? TO MEATLOAF? Jesus Christ. This is Cha Cha Diagoria shit. (Ok…I guess its a jive so…hand jive…jive…) I’m trying to believe Billy as a horny bastard. It’s not going that well. I mean, it helps he has a cheaply-dressed blond Russian woman slapping his ass around a bit. It does, however, end up better than one would have originally thought.

So, jidges, you’ve really never heard the term SEX BOMB before? Feast your eyes on Tommy J!

Neil Haskell & Kent Boyd
Broadway — Tyce DiOrio
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal MO (Damn Yankees)

When I saw Tyce DiOrio sitting next to Louis van Beer, who was sitting next to Travis Wall, I just KNEW Tyce would be gracing us with his presence tonight. I AM curious to see how Tyce interprets baseball to an ancient classic Broadway song, but it just makes me want to watch Field of Dreams. I love Field of Dreams. Give me a sports movie any day over shit like Steel Magnolias. Have you ever seen The Rookie? Oh my fraking flying spaghetti monster. I sob for the last half hour of that thing, just as I do Field of Dreams. You give me any film with estranged fathers & sons and baseball and I’m a blubbering mess.

Again, I digress. That’s what happens when these shoes are too long and I’m forced to endure recap two hours of reality TV AND look at faux-dirty “old-time” SYTYCD baseball jerseys. The dance? Meh. The judges all loved it. I WANTED MORE DAMMIT MORE. I swear I had seen that routine before but they weren’t wearing baseball jerseys. They were on a rowboat. Or a trolley. NO! They were paperboys. That makes so much sense. Tyce DiOrio realized his destiny while watching Newsies as a kid.

I’m still trying to muddle through this and now it seems, judging by my Twitter feed, I’m missing Jon Hamm on the ESPYs. WHAT WAS I THINKING? DAMN YOU SYTYCD. DAMN YOU. And then I needed to get something to eat and oh screw it for now…

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight begins with a dramatic montage featuring the final 6 dancers and their shadows. And then there is a group dance, which begins with all the OTHER contestants. The judges are still shoving Mollee Gray down our throats. But this is all just to get everyone in the mood for the Top 6 who come out and strut around. Cat Deeley is gilded, and I realize that there are going to be a zillion Jakob Karr-Adam Lambert flirting backstage rumors after this episode. I should totally call Ok! Magazine or some such shit with some insider information.

I also miss Legacy. I don’t really care who wins tonight, as I like all the finalists. They all deserve it. But you know who I can’t stand? Jennifer Lopez. Never liked that mediocre, self-entitled closet $cientologist. Plus, she peaked in 98-99. Only decent movie — Out of Sight. Only decent song — If You Had My Love. Only decent historic fashion moment — the open-faced Versace muumuu.

Apparently I missed some good dancing last night. At least some acrobatic stuff. People were doing crazy tosses and leaps! Russell made Mary cry and we got to see the married Ashleigh and Ryan dance together. I am not actually sort of pissed at myself for not watching it last night and am tempted to stop the finale and watch the performance show!

The Judges Want to See Their Favorite Dances Again

Lil C
Tabitha & Napoleon — Beggin’ (Madcon)
Kevin Hunte, Legacy Perez and Russell Ferguson

Oooh! I remember this one. This was pretty badass. I think its even better this time around. I do kind of love these guys. And I don’t even care how cheesetastic this sounds, but when I watch Russell dance, that big grin on his face, I am filled with mirth.

Adam Shankman
Sonya Tayeh — Tore My Heart
Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr

I remember this one. I remember loving the song more than anything. I want to go download everything in Sonya Tayeh’s iTunes, actually. That would make me happy. Jakob is insanely flexible. And it soooo does not surprise me Shankman’s favorite routine included Jakob! In fact, I am now speculating a BACKSTAGE LOVE TRIANGLE between Shankman-Lambert-Karr.

Nigel Lythgoe
Take the A Train (Ella Fitzgerald)
Phillip, Peter and Bianca — The TAPPERS

1980s British Hair brings back the tappers because he loves them so much. Even though he cut them nearly all in a row. Bianca makes me want to do 1000 crunches. This dance was also from the SYTYCD Top 20 Just For Fun Show, which makes me realize that we’re already at the end and PAULA ABDUL NEVER SHOWED UP!!! This makes me sad.

(Side note — Interesting supplemental movie marketing targeting females involving Avatar’s Sigourney Weaver and Zoe Saldana.)

Mary Murphy
Straight To…Number One (Touch & Go)
Ashleigh Di Lello and Ryan Di Lello

Mary is in love with love. Which is why she favored the married couple. This song is about as annoying as that Cha Cha Slide shit…is there some terrible group dance 8th graders do at their cotillion classes designed in tandem with this song that I do not know about? And I get the distinct impression Ryan and Ashleigh sometimes do this at home. Oh. And I’m convinced Ryan is Hugh Jackman’s long-lost American little brother.

Leona Lewis sings the Avatar theme. Ok, Glamberts, I’m gonna let you in on a little not-so-secret-secret. James Horner score + James Cameron movie + Guilty pleasure big-voiced female ballader with ambiguous ethnicity = OSCAR GOLD! Well, if only it were 1997, perhaps, because this song ain’t so good. In fact, it’s as forgettable as what, what was that song? Oh yeah. Time For Miracles.

Was it just me or did Ms. Lewis sound a bit off this evening?

After the 25th commercial break, some people called the Groovaloos show up. They’re all well and good and stylized with quirk and irony, but I just wanna get this crap over with. But damn, could guy-in-red-hat spin on his head. Damn.

Nigel Lythgoe
Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhodin — Unchained Melody (Michael Buble)
Jakob Karr & Kathryn McCormick

This is from last night, right? Two of the most gifted dancers you’ve ever had on this show, huh? While I like Jakob, don’t we have one like him every season? Wow. I simply cannot stand Michael Buble. Please. Stop desecrating classic songs, numbnuts. Maybe I should have been paying attention more, because I wasn’t blown away-blown away.

Tyce DiOrio
Bollywood
Mollee Gray and Nathan Trasoras

Oh no…as soon as he said Bollywood, I JUST KNEW WE WOULD SUFFER. Just had to stick these two on the show for their “fans”, didn’t you? I think I recall them bastardizing this, which pissed me off.  Mollee Moron fails to infuse any real Bollywood spirit into this damn routine. I really hope tonight is that last time I ever see her on my TV.

There is a HUGE mic fail for everyone on set. It’s actually pretty funny. Cat Deeley can just pull that sort of thing off, you see, because she is CAT DEELEY and she is a GODDESS. Anyway, is anyone else FINALLY excited that they’re finally eliminating someone tonight.

NOOOOOOO. Russell messed up his leg! The poor guy is in tears he’s in so much pain. I don’t even think its an elaborate ruse, I mean, duh. The votes have been cast. And yes, my sensitive side gets affected by this sort of thing. I also am touched when I see Ryan Jackman helping Russell on stage. Not that I want anyone to go home.

#6 Ryan Di Lello
Yeah…I totally saw this coming. And Cat is sweet for not making him get off stage when he’s holding up Santy Krump. Ryan knew he would come in 6th. He’s totally fine with that. I hope he gets a full-time gig on Dancing With The Stars. I won’t watch it, but I hope he gets more exposure on that show. He’s perfect for it. And he’s just happy he got to dance with his #1 lady on the SYTYCD stage.

THE MOMENT YOU PEOPLE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE GLITTERY GOD FROM PLANET FIERCE LANDED IN HIS SPECIAL FIERCE SPACESHIP WITH HIS HEAD EMBLAZONED ON THE SIDE.

It reminds me of the new V.

I have now realized they are promoting the hell out of Whataya Want From Me as the “big single” because its not a crotch-centric song. That’s why TBTB were fine with letting the titular For Your Entertainment die. As I’ve said before, I’m fine with it, though. Because I actually like this song.

I am also excited by the fact Swamp Thing has joined Lambert on stage. He’s perched upon his shoulder, ready to sing backup. When I was a very young child, Swamp Thing was MY FAVORITE MOVIE. Adrienne Barbeau…where art thou?

Ok. We’re an hour into it and we’ve only lost one dancer. We still haven’t suffered through J. Lo (Please oh please oh please oh please say she falls on her ass again.) and we’re onto the entire season montage. These people look vaguely familiar and Tyce DiOrio is all Broadway bitch. And I miss Mia Michaels. And Legacy! Legacy!

I also feel choked up whenever I see Cat Deeley getting choked up. I can’t help it. I’m such a sap. And I hope Russell isn’t seriously hurt. Poor guy is sitting on a stool.

#5 Ashleigh Di Lello
Well…she can go hang out with her husband now. Actually, before she goes to Ryan, I want her to have a chit chat with her mom about her hair. Her mother’s hair frightens me.

For some reason I like Ashleigh even though she thanks God a lot. Okay, let’s hurry this crap up. We’re past the hour mark. Time to pick up the pace. When is Wanda Sykes on? I don’t think I knew she had a talk show. Why are people so

Adam Shankman
Travis Wall — Machine Gun (Portishead)
Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez

YESSSS!!! I knew they would bring back this awesomeness. This entire routine was SICK. And I do agree with Shankman — I hope Travis Wall gets an Emmy nomination for that number. Probably one of the most memorable routines of the entire show–all seasons

Debbie Allen
Frog Dance (Mickey Hart & Planet Drum)
Noelle Marsh and Russell Ferguson

YES! YES! YES! I do love it when Debbie Allen shows up. And since Russell is hurt, we get to watch a recording of the original. I hope we get to hear Debbie Allen talk more, though. I simply adore the wisdom of Debbie Allen.

And then there were four…

#4 Ellenore Scott
Hey, I’m just glad she made it this far. I liked her too much, therefore, she wasn’t long for this world…yet, she made it this far! Oh, Ellenore. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I’ve seen you. Ellenore. Wow. You’re just so cool. I really cannot believe you are in the same age bracket as Mollee Gray.

And since we’re down to Kathryn as the final girl, I’m going to make a guess and say its Russell vs. Jakob for Numero Uno, given that she may be deemed too similar to Jeanine Mason. Not sure, but I loved Jeanine. And I grew to really enjoy Kathryn.

Lil C
Crying (k.d. lang)
Arianna, Channing Cooke, Nathan Trasoras and Jakob Karr

An orgy of majestic contemporary artistry…Yup, Lil C. I agree. Or its a cross-branded Massengil and late 1990s Gap advertisement.

PLEASE TELL ME HOW THERE IS TIME FOR TWO ELIMINATIONS, TWO DANCES, MARY J. BLIGE AND JENNIFER LOPEZ FALLING ON HER ASS? THERE ARE 34 MINUTES LEFT!

Mary Murphy
Tabitha & Napoleon – I Can Transform You (Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne)
Russell Ferguson and Kathryn McCormick

More tape! Poor Russell. But hey, I heard this was a killer routine so I’m glad I get to see it. Plus, its a good thing Nappy Tabs were able to KIND OF redeem themselves. Ok. I gotta say…I just love watching Kathryn and Russell dance. I really, really do. MIRTH! I’m filled with it. And I don’t care if its Chris Brown. Downloading this song. And I might just buy myself a Cat Deeley Necklace from QVC!!! (It’s clearly meant to be worn as costume jewelry…unlike Paula Abdul’s…makes no sense, but you know what I mean. You hear me. You get it. You see where I’m coming from.

Mary J. Blige performs. I hope she is pissed that she’s not the final singer. Jennifer Lopez should be hiding on Long Island with Skeletor and the Dragon Twins. BTW, I totally think Benny Ninja choreographed those dancers behind her. It’s the only explanation…hmmm…they are moving too fast. I still want to blame Benny Ninja.

Nigel Lythgoe
Wade Robson — Comanche (The Rebels)
The Top 20

Why did Debbie Allen only get ONE pick? And yes, we get it. Everyone loved the Top 20 Just For Fun episode. Plus, its an easy way to let everyone do something…whoa. Is this taped? BECAUSE I SEE RUSSELL DANCING!!! Nah…that shit was totally taped, as there are only three judges at the table. So did they have to scrap all the live numbers because of his injury?

Okay. I give in. This was a pretty sick number. And I really want Russell to win.

#3 Kathryn McCormick
Told you so. Told you so. Told you so. Oh, Kathryn, you still rock. Please don’t make me watch clips of you crying…because I totally love you now. Plus, you know I have a soft spot for my brunette gals. The only blonde who belongs on STYCD is Cat Deeley, dammit!

OH. MY. FRAKING. FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER. You have got to be kidding me.

Does anyone actually like this bitch? SHE IS LIP SYNCING A PHONE CALL TO SANTA!! WHO LIP SYNCS TO SANTY CLAUS??? SHE IS LIP SYNCING A PHONE CALL WHILE WITHING IN A GIANT STILETTO!!!

(I also hate songs about brand name/designer items. Plus we all know this idiot just wants free shoes since she’s slipped into irrelevancy. And those aren’t real Rockettes. They are former contestants. Granted, I do not notice this until J. Lo says so, so I rewind. I think I spy POWDER!)

Or was it Mollee? I couldn’t tell the difference. You know those girls won’t get more than a 1 second closeup with Lopez on stage. Well, regardless. That shit was just all around excruciating.

DECISION TIME…no way? Finally? Really?

Awwww…Jakob helps Russell to the stage. My icy heart melts instantly. 1980s British Hair starts making an allegory about polished diamonds (Jakob) and unpolished diamonds (Russell). This is the part when I say…THEY BOTH WON. THEY WILL BOTH BE SUCCESSFUL. EVERYONE IS A WINNER. Montage time…awwww…Santy Krump…Crazy Mary Cries…Jakob backflips…Russell talks Dot.)

And the winner is…

RUSSELL RUSSELL RUSSELL!!!!!!!!!

He is so excited he walks without help. And rips his shirt off! How Brandi Chastain of him! While he is screaming in the midst of excessive confetti…he goes to the ground…he cries…he shouts to GOD GOD GOD. He makes fellow krumper Kevin Hunte get up on stage!

Shankman looks upset. Alas. And now he has to go backstage and fight for Jakob’s heart against Adam Lambert! Meanwhile, I totally have to go hunt down Side Street and G-Fam. And where is Russell’s girlfriend? I want to see her. His family rules. Especially his lil bro’s afro. That is bad ass.

I hope Jakob Karr is okay. He’ll be fine, I know it. The dude is mad talented. So does Russell’s leg still hurt? I’m glad he winced when Cat said injured. Of course, if I won $250,000 and the title of America’s Favorite Dancer, I would probably let adrenaline take over and not notice that shit, either.

Jakob Karr and The Two Adams rumors in 3…2…1…

Spread the word. Do it.

In any case, it’s good to see a Sonya Tayeh group routine, even if the big finale did not involve dropping Mollee on her head. (But HOORAY for INTENSE LEGACY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!)

I kid, I kid. Anyway, if my SYTYCD dreams come true this evening and Miss Mollee Gray gets sent packing, I will record myself dancing around my living room. Ok. Back to important things. I HAVE TO HAVE CAT DEELEY’S DRESS.

Over 8 million votes were cast last night. I want Cat Deeley’s dress. I also want to know why everything on TV is NOT hosted by Cat Deeley. FINALLY! The Samantha Ronson partnership is explained. It’s the first time I’ve Ms. Ronson speak and I must say she has a beautiful voice. I like her, for whatever reason. There’s just something likable about Samantha Ronson. I mean, you know she’s probably been the only beacon of sanity in Lindsay Lohan’s life since that girl got off the set of Mean Girls and I can’t even blame her for getting involved with that trainwreck.

I really, really, really need to know why Jakob is the only male contestant sporting the Lycra/Spandex blend when everyone else is in denim. Because of this, I am so going to believe he is just reminding Shankman what he’s got going on below torso. And I soooo want Cat Deeley’s dress.

When Russell Ferguson comes back home to Dorchester, I may have to seek him out just so I can meet Santa Krump himself. And after last night’s performances, was there any doubt in our mind that he would be safe?

So Legacy and Ryan are in the bottom 2. I totally blame Tabitha and Napoleon for Legacy being in danger. Their routines have been complete shit lately and I guarantee you things would have been different if Legacy and Ellenore’s first routine and been their last of the evening, because that was simply off the hook.

Jakob is a fantastic dancer, but he reminds me of so many other contemporary dancers I’ve seen on this show. Ryan is too ballroom for my tastes, but hey, I like them both. If I had it my way, we would keep everyone except Mollee and declare the 7 of them SYTYCD Season 6 champions. And then Shankman and Jakob can hook up and we can all have a super-fun dinner party with Cat Deeley, and perhaps they would tell me whether or not Crazy Mary Murphy has a hearing problem and what she takes with her Captain & Diet. Homegirl is like Oskar on the nip. Sometimes, I think it would be fun to be Crazy Mary for say, 48 hours.

MAKE. IT. STOP. It has been decided. Moron Mollee has less fashion sense than Britney Spears. I really, really, really don’t want to see Kathryn in the Bottom 2. She is by far the most-improved dancer of the season and…YES!!! Kathryn has made it to the finale!! Ellenore is in danger…now down to Mollee and Ashleigh…come on! Send the right Mormon to the finale! YESSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ok. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I am at least temporarily filled with mirth. Come on, Shankman. Just admit that everyone hates Mollee. It has nothing to do with Nathan (this season’s unanimous whipping boy), it has everything to do with the fact she just sucks and acts as if she is 13.

OMG. The Wonder Girls. Who are they? They suck. Is this Asia’s answer to The Pussycat Dolls (who also suck)? This is excruciating. Seriously. What am I watching?

(And why is Megan Mullally shilling for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter? It’s not even shot in HD!) Oh wow. KMART PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Dancers in pajamas exchanging gifts with their respective partners! Gifts from Kmart!

Am I really supposed to believe the helmet wasn’t actually supposed to go with Moron Mollee’s Elmo hands? I have a feeling they must cork her fork at dinner, so…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqMc9B7uDV8

Mollee, eat your applesauce.

I also want to believe Legacy and Kathryn will double date with Shankman and Jakob. A girl can dream, can’t she? The Goddess Cat Deeley announces the upcoming auditions for Season 7 and I just hope that a CERTAIN READER OF MY BLOG WITH NAME BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER C will be one of the girls we see next summer.

I would write about the solos but I don’t really think the solos matter much anymore, therefore…let’s just hurry this shit up. Ryan gets acrobatic and Moron Mollee makes me cringe with her attempts at being sexy. Seriously. That’s like Chris Hansen Dateline shit.

YAY HOT BY DEFAULT TIME!!!!!

Although I would have loved to have heard say, Can’t Stay Away, I still kind of like Live Like We’re Dying. Plus its good to see his debut single gaining traction on the charts. And for some reason, and in a very non-slash/tard way, I think it would be really funny if Kris Allen went over to his drummer and started making out with him.

I am also thankful the bass guitarist looks nothing like Constantine Maroulis when you look at him straight on. I was rather scared when I saw those YouTube clips from Disney World. It is safe to say Kris Allen has a better-looking band than his Idol-winning predecessor. (I’m looking at you, David Cook!) Actually, I find it incomprehensible how anyone could ever HATE this guy???

Um…I am now really curious to see what Allen and his band can do beyond the debut album.

JUSTICE IS SERVED! JUSTICE IS SERVED! JUSTICE IS SERVED! I CAN DRINK CAPTAIN & DIET AGAIN!!!!!!!

And just look at the other dancers. Right now, I love Ashleigh Di Lello with all my evil fraking heart. LOOK AT THAT FACE!!! LOOK AT IT!!! CRISTAL CONNORS FOR THE WIN!

Oh, you know the best advice I ever got? You’re up there on stage, hopin’ on a spot. If someone gets in your way, step on ‘em. If you’re the only one left standing there, they hire you. That’s about it. Thank you and good night, ladies and gentlemen. Elvis has left the building.

(And thank you, recap film, for reminding me how badly Mollee and Nathan butchered the beauty that is Bollywood.)

CRY! CRY! CRY!

I almost feel badly. That always happens. Oh, who am I kidding. I just WANT to feel badly. WHOA. WHAT???? Ryan over Legacy???

I think Legacy will do just fine, but that still kind of sucks. However, if it meant sacrificing Mollee, well then, I guess it had to be done. Oh, Legacy’s parents. I adore you. You should be very proud. He is awesome. I don’t like watching Legacy cry, but I am totally loving Mollee’s dreams shattered and her subsequently blowing them away with lame little kisses as tears stream down her face. Her Ashleigh sabotage was foiled! Foiled! Cristal Connors always has the last laugh!

Mmm-hmmm. Long time ago. Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow.

Bye darlin.

(So a promise is a promise. Keep your eye out for celebratory video. I will probably regret this, but…)

Spread the word. Do it.

Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

But since the judges no longer have control (well…), I’m counting on the people that vote for this crap

Noelle Marsh and Ryan Di Lello
Hip Hop — Tabitha & Napoleon

Is this hip hop or a porn? Ryan kind of makes me giggle doing hip hop, but I still like him. The office porn routine is cute and Noelle keeps getting better. I sooooo hope she’s ditched former BFF Mollee Moron. The porn routine ends all politically correct when Noelle complains of “harassment” to Ryan, her “employer”.

Ashleigh Di Lello and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Gary Stewart
The Poison — Prodigy

I don’t even have to pay attention to know they’re gonna nail it. Ashleigh is sick. Legacy makes funny faces, and although this is contemporary and not b-boy, the entire routine is in his ballpark. Gary Stewart…have I seen him before? He’s the most non-choreographer-looking choreographer I’ve ever seen!

Mollee Gray
Rock The Beat — LM*AO

(Is that really the artist of the song? Because I LMAO whenever I see this nitwit.)

OMG. How the hell are you so damn annoying? And why are you dressed in your trailer finest on national TV? Maybe if you would have gotten a GED, you would have more sense. I’m scared. Mollee Gray almost makes me miss POWDER aka Season 5′s Kayla Radomski!

Mollee Moron was a dead ringer for Jon Benet Ramsey. (I know. Bad pun.) Mollee Moron is still pissed because she didn’t become a star as a background dancer in those High School Musical shit. Her mother is one of those pretty milf types found mainly in Utah (re: Mormon) and the brother is actually named GAGE GRAY. This family is more saccharine than a dozen dead lab rats at the Sweet ‘n’ Low factory. Oh, in case you were wondering, her solo totally sucked. I’m not even sure what she did exactly.

Russell Ferguson
Outros — Black Milk

I like Russell and not just because he krumps. I love his family. And he’s from Roxbury. Russell is good people. He is the anti-Mollee. If he stuck a pick in those dreads, he would be my future husband.

Kathryn McCormick and Nathan Trasoras
Broadway — Spencer Liff
Choreography — Danny Kaye

The slicked-back hair and retro costuming makes Nathan look like the bisexual lovechild of k.d. lang and Shia LeBeouf. The judges love them, but think they lack chemistry. (Isn’t Kathryn at least a few years older than k.d. Lebeouf?) Meh. Kathryn looks gorgeous. Love the red lipstick.

Noelle Marsh
Every Time It Rains – Charlotte Martin

Small town + big family + trampoline + diploma (no GED). Ain’t Noelle just the epitome of wholesome? But while I know Mollee Moron and Noelle are the same age, it seems as if Noelle has a couple of years on her–not only in dancing, but in her overall demeanor. I just sense a greater maturity with this one. (Yes, I know I must shut up about Moron Mollee but she annoys me so! I can’t help it! I promise once she gets her ass booted I will stop.)

Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr
Quickstep — Melanie Lapatin and Tony Meredith
Four Brothers

It’s official. I hate the quickstep. It does nothing for me. I like both Ellenore and Jakob, but his jazz hands stole the show. His jazz hands were the gayest, jazziest hands I’ve ever seen. I think Crazy Mary is on the sauce again even though her drink is rather full. I will simply believe she keeps topping it off during the routines. Shankman is a huge fan. I realize I want Jakob Karr to be Adam Shankman’s muse/cabana boy.

Ryan Di Lello
Rock You Like a Hurricane — The Scorpions

He was a product of dancing beget by two other products of dancing. I almost find it a bit sweet. He says he’s a born entertainer. AND OMG I LOVE HIS (STEP)DAD, this misty-eyed burly man named Wylie Anderson.

LOVE DAD OF RYAN. So sweet. I can be such a sap. Must be because I mixed the pad thai with Lorazepam this evening.

And I love Ryan even more right now because he, are you ready? HE DANCES TO THE SCORPIONS!!! It may be my most favorite solo EVER.

Kathryn McCormick
Beautiful — Bethany Dillon

How did I forget about Kathryn’s stage mommy. Why don’t dancers go to college? My niece is a dance major, I mean…its better to just go out and move to L.A. or something? Kathryn’s mom likes to cry. Now I know where Kathryn gets it!

Mollee Gray and Russell Ferguson
Lyrical Jazz — Mandy Moore
It Must Have Been Love — Roxette

How could they let this twit near my boy Russell? How could they allow her to bastardize one of Roxette’s greatest hits, dammit? HOW? WHY? I don’t think Mollee has gained maturity with a more mature partner…in fact, I sensed zero chemistry and zero emotion. The best part was seeing Sonya Tayeh!!! in the audience. Oh come on, Nigel, Mollee Moron DID NOT become a young woman in a week’s time just because she’s wearing apparel previously seen in Massengil commercials. When Mollee scratches Russell’s stomach, I totally cringe. Blech. And now Crazy Mary is talking about CHEMISTRY. This show is so damn rigged. I cannot take it anymore.

Nathan Trasoras
Golden Train — Justin Nozuka

Nathan needs to muss his hair in order for me to like him again. He already lost dead weight Mollee, but now he’s been saddled with that unfortunate slicked-back ‘do. And his family looked sweet, but I don’t buy the continuation tears on stage up there with Cat…not as well as I did in his “personality package”.

Noelle Marsh and Ryan Di Lello
Waltz
Jeux d’eau — O (Cirque du Soleil)

Ryan looks like a Disney prince. It kind of works for him. When this guy gets a permanent gig on Dancing With The Stars, I don’t think I’ll watch it, but I may check out a couple of his clips on Hulu or something. I like Noelle…even though I fear she will be Wednesday’s sacrificed brunette!

Ellenore Scott
Beatbox Harmonica — Yuri Lane

Ellenore is an engaging dancer because she always looks like she’s having the time of her life. She’s unique. Her solo was infinitely better than Moron Mollee, as is her effervescent smile.

Ashleigh Di Lello and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Dave Scott
Slow Down — Bobby Valentino

NOOOOOO. NO TWILIGHT SHIT. Now tell me…is there anything Ashleigh CANNOT do? She is by far this year’s strongest female dancer. Hands down. Getting hip hop for their second routine will also help solidify Legacy’s spot in the competition for some time longer. Plus, the dude has a fan base. And makes the best faces! Ruh roh. Nigel wasn’t feeling it. And then he bashes on Dave Scott. I do agree that there could have been a bit more dancing…uh…do these judges EVER disagree with one another?

Kathryn McCormick and Nathan Trasoras
Rumba — Melanie Lapatin and Tony Meredith
Walk On By — Aretha Franklin

Nathan’s facial expressions are ridiculous. Freaking me out a bit. He also was a bit unsteady when grabbing and letting go of her ass. Nigel bashes more choreographers tonight.

Legacy Perez
No Air — Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks

I love this song. I don’t care if a beater sang it. I haven’t heard it outside my iPod since…yeah, I know. No Air is pretty cheesy…but I like it. And I wonder just how much money Legacy was pulling in as a B-Boy hustler on the Santa Monica / Third Street Prominade. I bet he was making fat cash.

Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr
Contemporary — Sonya Tayeh
Tore My Heart – OONA and Dave Tweedie

We already know this will be good because Sonya Tayeh did it. And yup. Here’s another song I will be downloading, courtesy of a Sonya Tayeh routine. I really want Sonya Tayeh to teach me how to dance. They’re just balls-out awesome. Sonya is awesome. I LOVE YOU SONYA TAYEH. This time, when the judges cream all over themselves, I’m totally okay with it. Shankman brings up The Garden, one of my all-time favorites (Courtney & Mark, Season 4 OF COURSE)! YESSSS! I was totally thinking the same thing!

Ashleigh Di Lello
Batucada Por Favor

Ashleigh had some crazy parasitic infection and is from Utah…with a blond mother with CRAZY blond hair. I am now assuming she is Mormon. Joseph Smith probably wrote a chapter about SYTYCD in that Book of Mormon. Whatevia. Ashleigh still graduated from college and is AWESOME.

NATURALLY, the final couple of the night includes MOLLEE MORON. Should I go back and COUNT how many times she’s performed last or second-to-last? (Tonight, she had the FIRST solo dance and the LAST couple routine.)

Mollee Gray and Russell Ferguson
Jive — Anya and Pasha
Land of 1000 Dances — Jimmy Barnes

Thank flying spaghetti monster this shit is almost over. I wish I could be more excited to see Russell dance again, alas, he was paired (“randomly”, of course) with Mollee Moron. Sorry, but you need to put a bag over her head if you want to convey any sort of “maturity” to the audience. Not only is she a total butter face, but she has the worst smile I’ve ever seen on the show. Russell, naturally, WAS AWESOME. I am so tired of the judges blowing smoke up her ass. She may be my least favorite SYTYCD contestant of all time. Crazy Mary even put them on the hot tamale train. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Jakob Karr
Always Midnight (Acoustic) — Pat Monahan

I like seeing photos of Jakob as a youth. And I really, really love his mother’s signage. I really like Jakob. In fact, I don’t really have any issues with any of the male contestants (although Nathan could go whenever, even though I partly want him to stay if only to spoil the judges plans)…and all the girls are good, too, well…except for ONE!!!

SYTYCD TOP 10 ELIMINATION SHOW RESULTS

I don’t feel like watching the whole damn thing, especially since it was pre-taped, but here’s what went down. Mollee lives another week. I will not be happy until she is eliminated. Who else wants that idiot kid gone? Come on! I know I’m not the only one out there!!!

Cat Deeley looked phenomenal, and people are taking issue with Tyce Diorio’s group number which promised to highlight all the contestants’ fortes. Hey, not everything Tyce does turns to gold….remember Katie Holmes? Jakob just lept around a lot. And Ryan and Ashleigh made out, which, in turn, well…we have @jambajim to thank for the ENRAGED Glamberts, now, don’t we?

Dear Dick Clark, the married couple’s kiss on tonight’s SYTYCD was just as graphic as Adam Lambert’s AMA smooch. Just sayin’. Love, Jim

Sadly, Noelle was eliminated. THE BOTTOM TWO girls were Noelle and Kathryn, because they always love to sacrifice brunettes on this show. While I think the audience got it right by eliminating Nathan, why the frak did you have RYAN DISNEY PRINCE in the bottom two? So basically, two couples were in the bottom two…are the judges happy now? As I mentioned before, I really don’t believe these partnerships were picked randomly.

Or people just wanted to get rid of those with names beginning with the letter N?

Next week, my Captain & Diet Strike will continue. I certainly will be getting thirsty soon if Miss Mollee Moron is not eliminated. Who else feels the same way? Don’t you think the judges keep shoving her down our throats and have been since hell, even before day one?

Spread the word. Do it.

Francesca in New York City: Is it just me or is the so-called “golden couple” Nathan and Mollee the most irritating twosome in the history of SYTYCD? The judges protected them unfairly last week, and I just don’t see the attraction!
I, myself, have absolutely no opinion on Nathan and Mollee, but you’re right that the judges do seem to favor them. We talked to exec producer Nigel Lythgoe last week and he told us, “We didn’t know why Mollee and Nathan were in the bottom three. I think there was a little backlash from last week and maybe Nathan’s [video] package where he made himself out to be the kid who always got whatever he wanted. They need to be very careful how they portray themselves.” What do you guys think? Are the judges deluded about Nathan and Mollee’s appeal? Was last week just a temporary “backlash” or do you not like those two in general?

See? No one likes being manipulated, and frankly, 1980s British Hair, you’ve been goading us into liking Moron Mollee Gray since LAST season. Tonight, we’re going to be forced to watch TWO dances per couple because they are incapable of just say, reducing the show’s running length. It’s also the last time they will perform as part of their original couplings, but I just hope Crazy Mary gets her drink on.

Ryan Di Lello & Ellenore Scott
Lindy Hop — Carla Heiney
I’ve Got to be a Rug Cutter — Boilermaker Jazz Band

The ever-so-adorable Ryan and Ellenore are going back to the days of post-war swing with their sweet-as-pie lindy hop. Both of them have the personalities to pull this off without it seeming forced or cheesy. Ellenore’s smile and Ryan’s overwhelming excitement to be doing something similar to his original style are both infectious. Bonus points for Ryan giving 110% with a hurt back.

YESSSSS! Sitting next to choreographer Carla Heiney is…SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!! This may make up for Crazy Mary’s recent bout with slooooow boozing. 1980s British Hair freaks them out by saying he hated that…that they haven’t had the lindy hop on the show in three seasons. Ba-bum-bah.

I like Ryan and Ellenore. The kids are alright.

Legacy Perez & Kathryn McCormick
Jazz — SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!!!!
So Deep — Hot Chip

Of course it’s going to be good. It’s SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!! Oh how I adore this woman. I would bite any hand for you, Sonya Tayeh.

Sonya’s dances are always fantastic–sexy, great music, you name it. I also think she is acutely aware of the dancers’ strengths and plays up to them, for instance, letting Legacy show off his B-Boy-ness in a jazz routine. Kathryn is looking less and less like a child each week and for one instant, she almost looks like Katy Perry.  Their chemistry is obvious. It doesn’t seem like work with these two. Excellent work, kiddos!

HA HA HA. What did Adam Shankman just say? He made the same observation. See? Me is smart. All the judges are agreeing with me tonight. Wow. Should I be scared?

Victor Smalley & Karen Hauer
Tango — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Montserrat — Orquesta del Plata

Karen should have the chops to pull off a sexy tango. I’m not sure if Victor can hold a candle to her, as he is an excellent dancer, I’m just not buying the love story. Maybe its because he seems so young compared to her, or so gay? AND NO, I do not mean that in a bad way. Okay. So I guess the judges don’t agree with me anymore, but I know NOTHING about the tango, although I do know he has poise and stature. I wasn’t sensing the hot chemistry, though. Crazy Mary keeps drinking slow, but I suspect she agrees with me about Victor. Nigel believes Karen “has it” like Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, whom he just saw perform at the AMAs. Probably because she is oh, Latina. But I doubt Karen will ever fall on her ass.

Nathan Trasoras & Mollee Gray
Hip Hop — Jamal Sims
Ring-a-Ling — Black Eyed Peas

Nathan will miss Mollee’s laugh. Oh come on. Shoot me now. Jamal’s hip hop routine is all about the invention of the telephone. I also hate the Black Eyed Peas and nothing will make me believe Moron Mollee could invent anything but a new way to annoy the frak out of SYTYCD viewers everywhere. She also dances like she’s on a pom squad and its halftime at a high school basketball game. And then Nathan tried answering her butt.

Everytime this girl smiles, I want to slap her. I don’t care if she can do flips and shit. Nathan is less annoying than Mollee, and since he can dance hip hop, he’s obviously the stronger partner. He also split his pants. Pants splitting happens a lot on SYTYCD.

The judges are pretty much unimpressed, but they still lay it on thick. 1980s thinks they need more mature partners if they move on to next week. Hey, that may just highlight their obvious flaws even more so…but I really don’t want them in the Top 10. Why do these people want us to love these kids so much? WHY WHY WHY?

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Samba — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Hips Don’t Lie — Shakira

Of course Noelle will miss Russell, I am sensing a total CONNECTION with these two, aren’t you?

I love this song. I love Shakira. I’m starting to love Noelle and Russell. And look how much fun they’re having out there! It’s ADORABLE! Sure, it’s sexy, I suppose, but its just adorable watching the two of them. They’re so cute. Move them on to the Top 10!

Shankman picks up on what I was feeling…he just articulates it better, as he is Adam Shankman. Yes. Their samba was too sweet. But I think it was because they were having so much fun together. Maybe they’ll get dirty together after the show? Tomorrow night, Shakira will be on the show! 1980s British Hair needs Noelle to be more sexy like Shakira.

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Lyrical Jazz — SONYA TAYEH!!!!
Time Flies — Lykke Li

Awwwwww. I’m gonna miss Ashleigh and Jakob as a couple, too! Perhaps my pain will be dulled by yet a second appearance of the Original Queen of Awesome, Sonya Tayeh. Oh, how I just love her. And I don’t really see how Jakob & Ashleigh could do bad–they’re both incredible dancers–and combined with a Sonya number means PERFECTION. Phenomenal. She’s really one of the few people who can do lyrical jazz without causing me to roll my eyes at least once.

The only bad thing Shankman can say is about Jakob’s pants. Yeah…poor guy. Those are pretty damn wretched. 1980s British Hair takes a moment to profess his love for Sonya Tayeh. Sonya gets all misty eyed and I almost do, too.

(Why is Luke Wilson doing commercials for Verizon? Why are they already playing commercials for nooooooo AMERICAN IDOL??)

ETA: I fell asleep last night after no longer having the energy to carry on with this two-hour show. So now I’m catching the rest before I watch tonight’s results show–which I’m sure will piss me off.

Ryan Di Lello & Ellenore Scott
Broadway — Spencer Liff
Razzle Dazzle — Chicago (Original Broadway Cast)

You guys are awesome. This routine was great. It was soooooo Broadway, more so than most “Broadway” I’ve seen on the show. I love that these two are getting props. Once again, Adam Shankman steals my line, but come on, Shankman, Ryan was pretty awesome, too. Crazy Mary calls Ellenore an “It Girl”.

Legacy Perez & Kathryn McCormick
Viennese Waltz — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Your Guardian Angel — The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I’m starting to really like these two. Their chemistry is so sweet and Kathryn looks gorgeous. Sometimes I think as if B-Boy Legacy tries too hard, but hey, at least’s he’s trying. Legacy finishes the dance in tears…of hope. This will probably get him a few votes.

Victor Smalley & Karen Hauer
Hip Hop — Laurieann Gibson
Moving Mountains — Usher

The judges clearly sent Victor (and possibly Karen) to the guillotine. Could it have been more obvious.

OH MY FUCKING HELL. WHAT ARE THOSE OUTFITS???

Nathan Trasoras & Mollee Gray
The Can Can — Tyce Diorio

Some things should not be done, like the can can on SYTYCD and allowing Moron Mollee to talk. This girl is dumb as rocks. I’m sure they will be hailed as DARING and SUPERB and all sorts of other nonsense. No one likes Moron Mollee. And few care for Nathan anymore, mainly because she probably brings him down.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Contemporary — Tyce Diorio
A Case of You — Diana Krall

These two are great. Noelle, I want to believe you no longer hang out with Moron Mollee because I’m really starting to like you, and if you drop that dopey dense digbat, I will like you so much more. I love these two. I think they could have, as my mother would say, a love connection.

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Cha Cha — Jean-Marc Généreux and France
Cha Cha Heels — Rosabel featuring Jeanine Tracy

Can these two DO any wrong? They’re fraking sick. Seriously sick. I love these two. Ashleigh pretty much gave Shakira a run for her money.

Spread the word. Do it.