Some (obviously stupid) chorus line/dancer named Angel Reed is probably pregnant with Constantine Maroulis’ child. They met on Rock of Ages. Their monthly expenditures on ineffective hair products will likely cost more than diapers. This is wrong on about 1000 levels, mainly because one should never have a child with a sleazy scumbag who has coerced teenagers into having sex in uncomfortable places (and not the back of a Volkswagon). Why anyone would have sex with that vile loser is beyond me (He has mouth fungus! And his own friends PISS ON HIS MOUTH FUNGUS MEDICATION! This is not someone with whom you want to knock boots) and why you would do it without making him first wrap his member up in a Kevlar condom?

Sure, hard-core Glamberts think their behavior has no effect on what people think of them outside the Idol Bubble, however, The Washington Post found their psychotic barrage of comments in Chris Richards’ review of Adam Lambert’s DC show hilarious enough to devote an entire post to their insanity on their Click Track blog. Like us, Richards’ really enjoyed this one:

His energy, his band and dancers, my fellow fans’ energy – what a great love bubble! I wear both my Crocs and my glitter proudly.

And the hits don’t stop coming!

As an addendum to my previous post, I also find that the majority of bashers fall into three categories: homophobes; fans of other “Idols” who have not been as successful; men who are threatened by the way woman go crazy over this fabulous gay man. If you even try to say Adam does not have an incredible, unbelievable, once-in-an-era voice, you have no credibility and are laughable.

Larry King announced his retirement yesterday and 100 sad, washed-up trainwrecks shed a tear. Who would now be the ones to interview them? Let’s hope Piers Morgan (Britain’s Got Talent / America’s Got Talent) institutes a bit of class if he is, indeed, the man who takes King’s place. Although I’m still unconvinced it won’t be Ryan Seacrest, as Ryan Seacrest will be broadcasting to the masses 24 hours a day at some point in the near future.

Kelly Clarkson will not be playing Minneapolis on Lilith Fair. If you’re of Nordic heritage and have a whimsical Northern US accent and were planning on attending the 90s mellow-girls-with-guitar revival festival, please wipe the tears from your Birkenstocks. (Although if I had a ticket to that show, I would likely cancel it as that shrill little midget Dixie Chick is taking her place.)

Michael Sarver is doing something music-related for the Special Olympics. Take note, former Idol contestants. If you dig that Jesus fella and hustle hustle hustle, you might get a modicum of work after the show.

Michael Lynche got a haircut. Thought you should know.

Josiah Lemming got a booty call. Thought you should know that, too.

Jason Castro ate some chicken. He’s a big Tweater. I wish he would just cop to taking a big bong hit sometime.

Our beautiful La Princesa del Mariachi Allison Iraheta is filming a video for Don’t Waste the Pretty! Here is a behind the scenes sneak peak.

Spread the word. Do it.

Photo courtesy of Cirque du Soleil (Twitter -- @cirque)

It’s the American Idol you’ve all been waiting for! Elvis! Adam Lambert!

It only makes sense that on tonight, of all evenings, I would be stricken with some sort of deathly cough/cold. Its a shame I don’t have any prescription-strength medicine to numb all the pain.

Ryan Seacrest says it was only natural to ask Adam Lambert back to mentor, since Elvis was one of the greatest performers to grace any stage and well, Adam Lambert was one of their favorite performers on the Idol stage. Lambert only gets some credit for admitting he’s only in the beginning of his career, but then I think back to the interview with Lambert in Spinner I read before tonight’s show and remember how he may really be a narcissistic ass clown.

Stop saying Elvis is a showman. Should I take a shot of Robotussin every time he says showman.

My tongue isn’t nearly as talented as yours.

And Seacrest just goes there yet again this season. Its like when they screw with Ron Burgundy’s teleprompter, isn’t it? Then again, its nothing compared to Kara DioGuardi attempting to prove she’s something before the big 4-0 by posing nude. (Although going nude in women’s magazines really doesn’t count, but why miss a chance to bash that Kara?)

I actually love the song Tim’s doing, I Can’t Help Falling In Love.

Dude. It’s called Can’t Help Falling in Love. Ok. It’s one word/letter, but…If Elvis is one of your favorite artists, at least get the names of his songs right. (Ok. Ok. I’ll go a bit easier on the guy. I can’t help it his batshit crazy fans drive me nuts.)

Crystal Bowersox
Saved

This will likely be the only time Crystal goes first this season. Naturally, she’s going back to her gospel-blues roots. But she’s got an…ELECTRIC guitar! Adam’s sage advice is to let down her dreads.

Crystal is still wearing the feather — one of fallen comrade Lilly Scott’s earrings. Crystal is great, of course, all the way-too-loud backup singers wish they were Crystal. Crystal is great. But I knew she would be great. And I knew she would do an Elvis gospel song. Randy calls her the second coming of Bonnie Raitt. Homey, please. Granted, I don’t like Bonnie Raitt because I’m only familiar with her adult contemporary shit from the 1990s that’s been done to death on this shit show, but whatever. You can’t listen to a man wearing a cardigan punctuated by variously-sized happy faces. The judges really have nothing interesting or new to say. Kara is wearing camoflage and failed to run a brush through her hair in an obvious effort to have “bed head.” Honky please.

I adore Crystal, but I look forward to her performances on the show only because I know she’s not going to suck, not because I can’t wait to see what she does next. This may be both a good and a bad thing. By the way, I realized something today. It’s a good thing Crystal was not name Crystal Beth Bowersox, because having one’s name be Crystal Beth would totally suck.

Andrew Garcia
Hound Dog

Further fueling the fact the show is oh-so-over Andrew Garcia, the beaten, battered and bewildered El Vez-wannabe is going second. He’s also doing Hound Dog. Why oh why did he not take my advice and do In The Ghetto? Bye bye, Andrew Garcia.

It’s boring. I was bored. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I know I can be straight up with you.

Adam Lambert gets points for calling him boring. But did he tell him he could be straight up with him on purpose? Is Hound Dog anything but boring? Lambert makes Garcia change it up, or so we’re led to believe. I don’t know if its really changed up, but its the first time I’ve actually been forced to listen to the lyrics of Hound Dog. Garcia really only slowed it down, rather than changing it up. The result borders on shrill.

Randy tells him he was bad karaoke because they producers told him Andrew was going home this week. This is Ellen’s cue to say she likes it. Camo Kara says he dragged the mic around. Simon says all of his coolness has been sucked out of him. Garcia’s family (i.e., those holding the giant cardboard glasses and the posterboard with giant glasses drawn on it)are not pleased.

Ellen may be the only judge to survive the gang hit put out tonight. She was a smart woman. But why Andrew didn’t attempt something like Always On My Mind, It’s Now or Never, or Hawaiian Wedding Song over Hound Dog is enough for me to easily say its his time to go this week.

Tim Urban
Can’t Help Falling In Love

American Idol also wants to get rid of Tim Urban. They have for three weeks. This is why he is going third. Perhaps luckily for Tim, Adam Lambert seems to just adore him! He likes his voice and guitar! Maybe Lambert knows if he gets his batshit crazy Glamberts to vote for Tim, he will easily sail through this difficult double-elimination week. Maybe he wants to make whoopee with Tim Urban, who knows. But if Adam Lambert helps TURBAN stay in the competition, more power to him.

Magic happens, bitches. Magic. Tim Urban sounds…good? No. Like, this is the best his voice has EVER sounded. I actually kind of like the way he sounds tonight, and not just the idea of TIMMEH. And then Ryan Seacrest gets some dude from the audience up to dance with him! Our world has been turned upside down. All thanks to Adam Lambert and Tim Urban.

Sure, Teflon Timmy still looks like a deer in headlights when he attempts to convey emotion and it forces me to turn away, but I’ll be damned. TIM URBAN IS UNSTOPPABLE. Ellen compares him to tequila! It’s Shit-For-Brains’ favorite Tim performance ever! I will have go a step beyond her kind of right-on critique and say its the most relevant performance of the evening. She might have made a little sense, but she still looks like a roadwhore.

Even Simon creams all over Timmeh and says he’s gone from zero to hero.

(Oh, and Ryan Seacrest was dancing with Season 8′s Michael Sarver. In a godly way, of course.)

Adam Lambert loves you, Tim Urban. Magic, baby. Magic.

Lee DeWyze
A Little Less Conversation

Adam thinks Lee needs more going on in his face. Adam is beginning to remind me of Jay Manuel in a sense, and any help these people could use in the “stage presence” category. Sigh…will Lee listen? Wait. He kind of looks like he’s having fun up there. Is he smiling? He doesn’t look like he’s gonna puke this week. Damn. Oh well. He’ll be here for awhile…

Lee shouts the lyrics with good nature. Its not really out of tune, per se, but in this rendition, it almost appears as if it would be hard to go out of tune. It’s more throaty than melodic. Its a grungy & gritty barroom version of a song which came to prominence as a posthumous electro dance mix. But its fun, I guess.

The judges adore Lee, so it doesn’t really matter if he kinda sorta just phoned this one in. But Kara thinks he needs to be looser. Funny when such advice comes from one of the true dingleberries on humanity’s the music industry’s asscrack.

When Lee talks in his talking voice, he sounds a lot like Danny Gokey, except he’s not telling us how awesome he is or that he had a wife that died. Still, his talking voice freaks me out a bit because he sounds an awful lot like Gokey when he speaks.

Aaron Kelly
Blue Suede Shoes

Adam wants Aaron to growl more. In the opening verse, Aaron rushes it a bit, but he has seemed to infuse a little more grrrrr into it. How adorable! Its a puppy dog and he’s growling. He even attempts to break it down at the end, and it becomes more bluesy. But its kind of karaoke, but in reality, how can Blue Suede Shoes NOT be karaoke? Which isn’t bad, but Aaron is like, cute little puppy dog kid.

The poor thing looks frightened to death as soon as he finishes the last note. The judges have mixed feelings on his performance, and I am not understanding how Shit-For-Brains called him “younger.” I have to agree with Simon on this one, perhaps, because it definitely was not younger. But hell, Blue Suede Shoes can’t ever really be current, can it? And no matter what the stylists will have them believe, making a skinny teenage boy push up his jacket sleeves and pop his collar NEVER gives something a more youthful vibe. Just because that midget assclown Justin Bieber (aka The Moppet of Beelzebub / The Imp of Hades)

(Adam Lambert, guess what? You’re a lot more likable when you’re not trying to be an edgy asshat in random interviews. You’re really not a bad mentor, I guess. Except for the fact you’re kind of giving all the contestants the exact same advice. Not that they all couldn’t improve on their stage presence or anything, but you know, you could get a little more personal? More technical? But as of right now, I again feel sorry for you because you have all those batshit crazy fans. This too, shall pass, but I’m gonna go with it for now.)

Siobhan Magnus
Suspicious Minds

Siobhan thought she should dress like Elvis tonight. She’s also doing one of the greatest Elvis songs of all time. Adam thinks she sounds sleepy, so he tells her to speed it up. She’s oh-so excited to meet him because she’s been compared to him. He accepts this nicely, but come on people, its because they both screech shit.

Siobhan, when dressed in her street clothes, is endearing. When she adapts her personal style for the stage, it comes out all wrong. Its difficult to explain, perhaps, but when she goes from quirky girl to quirky “glam”, it just…it just fails.

Her rendition is rather dull, as she looks like a has-been singing somebody else’s song on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon. She’s 20, yet she’s dressed like she’s 50, even though she is wearing some Elvis by way of The Fifth Element-inspired shit. She goes into gospel mode to prepare for the penultimate screech. Oh, Siobhan. I’m sorry. I really, really, really want to like you. But your performances bore me to tears. It wasn’t current. It wasn’t young. It wasn’t relevant.

Randy sounds more scripted than usual. Next. The judges are basically telling her to start screaming again. More than anything, I want to cry because I am agreeing 100% with Kara DioGuardi. Agreeing with Simon is okay, though. He thinks she’s lost her way! Sweet. Sorry. I wish I could like you more Siobhan, I really, really, really wish I could.

In her defense, Siobhan tells them she has no idea who she is or what she wants to sing. Fabulous. I get it. I might buy her album if she wasn’t doing pop music on American Idol. But she’s not Rachel Yamagata. She’s screeching shit on American Idol.

Ryan Seacrest pimps some Idol Gives Back something or another, something about Exxon. And then he slams Brian Dunkelman. No one laughs. Seacrest, oh Seacrest. You really need to find out who is screwing with your teleprompter.

Michael Lynche
In The Ghetto

Adam Lambert feels Lynche needs a little more oomph, more theatrics, more storytelling, et al. He also thinks his voice is incredible and he should go very far in the competition. Lynche was not my choice to do one of my all-time favorite Elvis songs, In The Ghetto. It’s also not the wisest decision considering Lynche really needs to do something a bit more up tempo (Eleanor Rigby not included)

Its obvious what Lynche is trying to do, but I almost wish he would dial back on the “black dude doing R&B schtick.” He did not start out this way in the competition, which made him a bit interesting, perhaps. But there was nothing enthralling about the arrangement and it did not emit a singer-songwriter vibe from the dude sitting there with an acoustic guitar. The vocals? Solid. But Big Mike’s vocals are always on point. He’s just lost much of his way trying to become what the judges want. Seriously, dude. Do you want Ruben Studdard’s career?

The judges are pressed for time so they just tell him out great he was, albeit unenthusiastically. The accolades seem to rehearsed, too pat, almost too scripted. And besides Elvis, there’s only one person I want to hear sing In The Ghetto.

(Totally called the possible pimp spot(s), btw.)

Katie Stevens
Baby What You Want Me To Do?

Every week, Smug Teen Witch piles more accessories on in a concerted effort to conceal some of that stress-induced weight gain. Her outfit is pitiful. Her attempts at looking sexy are laughable. Everything about Smug Teen Witch is a joke.

Does she have a bad voice? Not necessarily, but its nothing special. Is she bland, unimaginative and pageanty? Duh. Is China part of Asia? Every week, Katie Stevens takes the stage desperately trying to be the second coming of Kelly Clarkson. Sadly, there’s no way in hell this is going to happen. The performance is dull, overly rehearsed and like every other thing we’ve ever seen before. She’s desperately trying to appeal to Simon at this point by adding a little twang to her voice, but this kid has no clue who she is as a person, let alone a singer. And every time she tries to show her youth, she comes out looking like a spoiled child playing dress up in Mommy’s closet. Smug Teen Witch is much like how I imagine Suri Cruise will be during puberty.

Randy likes it. Ellen thinks her performance was horny. Shit-For-Brains says something inconsequential. Simon calls her loud and annoying. YAY SIMON! Then the pompous adolescent has the audacity to admit she’s begging for votes as she pleads to the audience at home. Smug Teen Witch, please allow me to quote Elvis. You’re the devil in disguise.

(Ryan Seacrest might be on something tonight. Or he is having a Ron Burgundy-style meltdown. The dude may have lost it.)

Casey James
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

One must hand it to Casey James for choosing a somewhat obscure songs each and every week. It’s working for him, as he lands in this week’s pimp spot. Casey’s Southern blues,jam band sensibilities are coming into their own at the right time on the Idol stage. Is he unlike anything you’ve ever seen before? Oh hell no, but neither is Crystal Bowersox. You could see either one of them (and Lee DeWyze) in a bar near your house (and a lot of shittier soundalikes, too) if you so desired. And these are the ones to beat at this stage in the competition.

It constantly amuses me that American Idol has been very clear on who they wanted to win Season 8, yet this season has been nothing about guitar-driven singer-songwriter pop rock. Anyway…Casey’s performance is not revelatory, but its solid. It’s both fun and boring! (No, Randy! Don’t use the word I used!) You can’t really challenge this guy for doing the same thing over and over again, when frankly, he is delivering similar performances week after week. If you’re going to tell him to move out of his comfort zone, than you should do the same for Ms. Bowersox.

While Adam Lambert didn’t really change the way the game is being played while offering his skills as a mentor, would anyone’s at this point? Has anyone’s ever done so? We only see a few minutes of what might only be a few minutes of uh, mentoring. If the goal was for the contestants to improve upon their stage presence, then we had a couple of winners. Lee DeWyze did not look nauseous. And Tim Urban revealed more confidence and talent than he had previously in the competition. If he survives this week, he may no longer be a running joke but a viable contender for the Idol crown.

Who do you think will be the two contestants eliminated this week? Ok. Allow me to rephrase that — who do you think will be sent packing alongside Andrew Garcia? Aaron Kelly may be in the most danger, but Tim Urban isn’t out of the woods yet. But let’s not forget Siobhan Magnus and Smug Teen Witch who both delivered sub-par performances this week. It may just be Katie Stevens’ time to return to her sleepy Connecticut town. You wouldn’t really want her to miss her prom now, would you?

Spread the word. Do it.

Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

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First off, we now know Lil Rounds has a tattoo of a fairy or butterfly or pterosaur on her leg (and is rocking another weave). Secondly, Matt Giraud is wearing a hat, which means NO QUATTO! BOO!!! HISS!!! MORE BOOS!!! The next thing I noticed? Anoop Desai totally reminds me of the landlord from Kingpin.

You remember Kingpin, right? Basically, Woody Harrelson’s is a down-and-out drunk named Roy who can’t pay his rent. (There is also a lot of bowling and Amish stuff.) To make up for it, he has sexy times with his nasty-ass landlord, even though he pukes thereafter. When she wants it, she makes a certain gesture…which kind of looks like what Anoop is doing in that photo. Even though I know he’s not, ya know…it’s just what it reminded me of, so…

Yeah, whatevia. I know I have the sense of humor of a 15-year-old boy. You gotta problem what that?

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Adam Lambert’s handlers were wary of Lambert appearing on the cover of the Out 100 issue of Out Magazine. Oh, and they also requested that the interview not be too gay.

Are you kidding me? It’s Out Magazine. It’s like doing an telling someone who’s interviewing with Vogue to not be too stylish.

There were rumblings of Out’s dissatisfaction with 19E’s handling of the interview last week, but Aaron Hicklin’s Editor’s Letter confirms everything. So Lambert was only able to appear on the cover because the straight gay rights activist Cyndi Lauper was also photographed with the group?

Like I’ve said before, I wish we lived in a world where sexuality was never an issue, and I don’t understand why someone’s sexuality is ever considered “news”. No one comes out as straight, so why does one need to “come out” as gay?

I’m sure 19 Entertainment / American Idol can argue they just want Lambert to appeal to “the masses”, but even making such an assumption is pretty ridiculous. Everyone knows Lambert is gay and putting him in photos caressing gorgeous foreign models with lady parts in Details and having him describe that time when he was drunk and went down on a chick in Out isn’t really doing much but infuriating the gay community and giving Lambert’s crazy adult female fans a cruel glimmer of hope.

And many of Lambert’s fans would just claim he’s trying to push boundaries and be controversial, but its not coming off like that, especially to those who don’t think he shits rainbows (And for chrissake, just because I do not think the man shits rainbows does not mean I dislike the guy. He just doesn’t shit rainbows. I don’t know anyone who actually shits rainbows. Maybe Toucan Sam or the Magical Skittles Fairy, they might shit in shades of R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.) If Lambert’s such a boundary-pushing artiste, then why isn’t he telling his management to market him as is — simply, Adam Lambert? Or is this “him”? In an attempt to possibly foster Lambert’s alleged electrifying individuality & knack at pushing buttons, 19E isn’t really doing a great job with their brand-new “superstar pop idol” and Lambert is more or less just proving he doesn’t care what he has to do to be famous.

And a desperation to be famous isn’t ever sexy, gay or straight.

Cue the YOU’RE A SELF-HATING GAY MAN letters to Aaron Hicklin in 3…2…1…

ETA: I’ve finally been able to read more of the Out article and I must say, I am impressed with Lambert’s discussion about his fellow Idol tourmates. I also like learning that HBD “isn’t that religious”. SWEET. But I mean, Lambert even says okay things about Gokey. Anyway, I think Lambert has the right issue about gay vs. straight…but it shouldn’t always be an issue. I’ve said that before. Out Magazine is one thing, but not every interview he does has to be about his sexuality. A lot of interviews with this guy are the same damn thing, just a retread of the over-the-top fawning first seen in the Rolling Stone cover story. Big fraking deal. Adam Lambert is gay. And he went to Burning Man! And he did drugs at Burning Man! OMG.

Ironically, Burning Man is probably one of the few places where sexuality really is a non-issue. I just learned one guy in my camp was gay…yesterday. I had never thought about it either way. Because it just doesn’t matter, and out there, it’s quite telling how the labels we often cling to in the real world simply fade away (Well, furries are still ridiculed…but in a fun-loving way…you can’t NOT ridicule furries, even in Black Rock City). You can have entire conversations with people without ever mentioning what you do for a living or your sexual preference.

Kris seems like a real straight guy.
He is a real straight guy. He’s very straight. He’s just…cute.

He’s pretty.
He’s pretty. He’s a pretty boy. You know? And he’s nice. He’s a really nice guy. One of the things that I think is so refreshing and cool about him is that he’s from Arkansas — and this is me being small-minded — I just kinda figured that the acceptance of people like me in Arkansas is probably a lot lower than here. And he’s very open-minded to people’s lifestyles and he doesn’t judge. He’s a good guy.

To have someone who is very religious and who feels like that --
That’s the funny thing, is that he’s not very religious, I don’t know where he got that label. Danny [Gokey] is very religious.

Let’s talk about Michael Sarver, who seemed at first to be a religious guy who wasn’t very comfortable with you being gay. But when the tour encountered “God Hates Fags” protesters, he was all over Twitter condemning them and defending you.
He’s got a really good heart, that guy. He does. And I think that he represents a large portion of our country, good people who are just scared of what they don’t know. We didn’t even have that many conversations about it directly, but it’s just another example of acceptance. We just got along with each other. He just wants everybody to like him, and he wants to like everybody. It’s very simple, what his needs are. And I have very similar needs. We cut up all the time, backstage and on the bus. We get along great. I think what he realized was that it doesn’t fucking matter. And he got past that.

Was Danny very religious in a way that made you uncomfortable?
No, never uncomfortable. Danny’s a little bit more fundamental in his views than I think Michael is. And I don’t think his views are going to change. But it didn’t get in the way. We had a number of conversations on religion and morality. And it wasn’t for either one of us to try to convince the other, it was just to kind of learn. He was very cool with that, just having a conversation. We had some really deep conversations about God.

Oh to be a fly on the wall…A Gokey-Lambert conversation about God.?! Ha. That might be hysterical. If this is indeed true, christ, Adam Lambert can put up listening to a lot of bullshit. Much more than I ever could. It’s probably why he hasn’t flown into a public rage over the antics of his batshit crazy fans.

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And if any of you have recaps, send them over! I would love to get one from the Milwaukee show last night, however, I believe the tour heads to St. Louis tonight, the city where I was born and raised. So if you’re going in St. Louis, I demand you send me a recap!

Without further ado, here is Leigh’s take on the Long Island show. Leigh is actually from the Cayman Islands, and caught the show while visiting the NY area. What does Leigh being from the Cayman Islands mean for you? It means she’s your go-to girl for Tortuga Rum Cakes and Big Black Dick Rum. She may even be able to help you find a bank in which to store your dirty money.

Ok, Leigh. I’m just kidding. I love the Cayman Islands…although I think I like Jamaica a bit more, mainly because the physical geography of the island is much more varied…but that’s okay, too. Because Leigh was born in Jamaica, so I’m totally not insulting her. But I should get started with her recap now, shouldn’t I?

LeighKat (Twitter)  aka CaymanKrisFan (KrisAllenation)

I attended the concert with my mother and aunt (both in their early 50’s, very groovy and ‘hip ladies!), and I am 27. My aunt is a HUGE Adam fan. My mom and I lean more towards the Kick Awesomeness that is Kris Allen. From here on out, I will refer to our group as the island posse (We travelled from Jamaica and the Cayman Islands) and yes, we are self proclaimed fantards.

A funny note — we were among the very few “people of colour” in the crowd.

Of course you were, Leigh. Idol concerts may be even whiter than a Dave Matthews/DMB show.

We had floor seats, decent view but, a bit far from the stage. Not a wise choice considering none of us are over 5’5” tall. The venue was very crowded — almost sold out by my estimation. The standard screaming when each Idol popped up on the screens. Very loud for Kris and VERY loud for Adam. Already we were smiling and laughing, and joining the rest of the fantards in cheering when our faves appeared on the screen! I noticed there were some particularly uptight individuals in the row in front of us. They kept turning back and dishing out disapproving stares and head shakes. I laughed and said “You haven’t seen anything yet! Get used to it!” The groups next to us burst out laughing! I was backed up by enthusiastic “Yeahs” — fantards in full effect! I was feeling invincible! LOL!

My recap of the performances won’t be too detailed and are, by no stretch of the imagination, professional, just passing opinions and observations.

Michael Sarver kicked off the show and I actually enjoyed his set. We sang along and danced, as did many people in our section and throughout the audience. Michael was entertaining and went up a couple notches in my book. The rest of the “island posse” agreed and my aunt, the diehard Adam fan, was actually cheering on Sarver! Sarver, you managed to charm a Glambert!

Megan Joy: She looked lovely as has been mentioned in several recaps. Here first song was very nice — voice much improved. Didn’t love the second song too much and the wacky background animation was distracting. She moved around and danced a bit.

Lil Rounds was next and she did a great job of pumping up the crowd a bit. She seemed to be having fun with her set and looked pretty. Her voice sounded a bit strange — like she was fighting a cold — which is very possible considering the hectic schedule this crew is plowing through. For “Single Ladies”, she talked about the choreography and while Lil was dancing around, I was expecting something more — it was really just her doing some random moves from the Beyonce video. Regardless of what I thought — the rest of the “island posse” was getting down to the song and having a blast with others in our section. Never thought I’d see the day when my mother danced to a Beyonce song — something MUST have been in the air in that place!

You were expecting more, too? As was I. As I think I did every time she performed on the show. But  yes, when she announced they used the same choreographer for her on-stage routine to Single Ladies, I was expecting much more. Lil Rounds…was that even dancing?

Scott was next and he did a good job. Strong, clear voice, songs that many people around me were singing along to. He got a wonderful reception from the audience and tried to really engage the crowd with his cheesy, yet amusing jokes. “Good Job Scott” from the “island posse”.

Next up — Nooooooop Dogg! Yes, we were chanting that from our section! Sadly, this chant wasn’t really in line with the ridiculously cheesy sky background that Anoop had going on at the beginning of his set though. Really, what the hell was that? I had high hopes for Anoop but, was bored during most of his set. Had a good laugh at his random gyrating during My Prerogative — you can tell that Noop Dogg really thinks he’s hot! Overall, his set was decent. The rest of the island contingent felt the same.

And then came Matt Giraud… what can I say? His set was… HOT!! Loved, loved, loved it. His showmanship was up 100% and he was clearly having a good time. I was on my feet, dancing for his entire set. He engaged the audience and thanked everyone for supporting the tour. I have no idea why he gets so much flak for his version of You Found Me. I found his rendition powerful, full of passion and got swept away. By the end of his set, I was yelling “Sign Matt Giraud!” along with a few others. Although the chanting did not catch on in our section, the elderly gentleman behind us was on his feet clapping heartily! First signs of life I saw from him that night. At this point, I am grinning from ear to ear.

Although he killed Quatto, I found myself actually enjoying Giraud’s set, too. I think his years of playing in a dueling piano bar have served him well on the Idol tour.

Now time to close out the first half — group numbers and dueling pianos. The duet with Megan Joy and Lil was totally bizarre — I don’t get the logic with that song choice Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You or whatever it’s called; just bad, really bad. Why do these two need to be singing “I need you baby” and so badly at that? Dueling pianos were great — the best was definitely “Beggin” again, I was on my feet and dancing away.

That song always makes me think of the great film, 10 Things I Hate About You.

Wow…I thought this recap would be a lot shorter…oh well, if you’ve read this far then, I guess you’re committed and won’t mind if I ramble on some more some funny stuff to follow.

During the break, they rolled the videos and Ford commercials for the ten thousandth time and we talked to people in our section. Mostly Kris, Adam and Danny fans in our vicinity. I asked some ladies next to me if they had any idea where the buses would be and they couldn’t understand what I was saying. I laughed, “Is my accent really that hard to decipher?” — more blank stares. When they finally understood what I was asking, I discovered they had no clue where the buses would be. Surprise, surprise. The “island posse” would just have to go into full stalker mode after the concert to find the location. My neighbors were very sweet though and we had a couple of laughs that night.

Suddenly, the coliseum goes dark and AlliKat hits the stage! Yeah Allison!!! Her set was loud and high energy. I enjoyed everything expect for that Pink song — was never a big fan of So What. She looked really pretty and looked at home on the stage. She had everyone screaming when she talked about the “boys” who were up next. My mom didn’t really like the loud noise but…that’s ROCK! Nice and LOUD.

Next up was Danny — and suddenly the grumpies in the rows ahead of me, who gave the evil eye earlier, were on their feet and “jammin” out to Mr. Gokey’s set. That explained everything. I jammed out to PYT — it’s an MJ tune, gotta be on your feet for that. After that, I just sat and giggled to myself throughout most of the Gokester’s performance. I found the performance to be okay. His voice was strong and clear and he tried to excite everyone with his cheesy salsa dancing. He also had the “inspirational” and encouraging speech that we have all heard about. I admit I zoned out a bit… sorry Gokey.  The rest of the “island posse”, and others around me seemed to appreciate what he had to say. Me? Meh! It was nice. Whatever — bring out Glambert!

And bring him out they did! The noise level goes from loud to, I am now officially deaf and the entire coliseum is about to collapse around me. The screams could break glass — amazing! Adam Lambert is a fantastic performer, no doubt about it. Sure, there are moments when the whole thing comes off as completely contrived and over the top but, the man knows how to put on a show. I could have done without all the overtly sexual gestures and gyrations though. Way too much of what we in the Caribbean call whining — moving the waist and hips provocatively — waay too much of it. Thankfully, no bras were thrown on this night but, something big and white — boxers, a t-shirt, a towel or granny panties? Whatever was being catapulted onto the stage. Poor Adam. Anyway, I loved every number! Especially Starlight — I am a big Muse fan and Fame. Great Job Adam! The lights go down and the noise level returns to ear busting levels — my screams and yells were added to the mix because MY HOMIE KRIS IS NEXT!

Watch out, Leigh. The Glamberts are gonna call you a PRUDE.

Kris Allen — the reason I wore purple plaid and flew to NYC. Well, he was everything and more. Kris did Kris and I could not have been happier. I was smiling till my face hurt. Heartless was perfection, All These Things I’ve Done had me giddy and singing along, Ain’t No Sunshine was soulful and heartfelt, Bright Lights lit up my night and his guitar solo blew me away. He was having a blast! Kris rocking out, a great moment for a Kris fan to behold. As a Kris Allen fan, seeing him up there — happy and enjoying the moment — made me feel like I was watching a good friend live his dream. That’s the effect Kris has on his fans. I think it’s fair to say that, at the very least, my fellow KANationers understand where I am coming from with this. Hey Jude, the cherry on top, came way too soon. I wasn’t ready to end the night. Kris Allen is a star!

The concert was capped off by a great group number and the crowd was cheering till the very end.

The “island posse” was now all smiles and focused on locating the buses. By the time we got there, hundreds of people were already in position. Luckily, we were able to find a decent spot.

Observations while waiting — mixed crowd of young and old, male and female. One annoying woman who kept talking at the top of her lungs about Clay Aiken and Kristy Lee Cook. She talked very loudly and no one seemed to be paying attention to her. She also called Megan Joy a “silly blonde” several times and flashed her ponytail in my face over and over again — despite my mumblings. On top of this, she COMPLAINED that Kris did NOT sing No Boundaries and said — if you can believe it, “It better be on his album”. WTF!? Needless to say, I came close to losing it on her when she finally, took a few steps away to place her many bags of Idol merchandise on the ground. Whew, almost ruined my night!

I wish you had photos of that nutbag. She sounds charming.

Others around were friendly and talkative. Mostly moms, teens, a dad or two, and some really young kids who should have been at home sleeping. Then came the horses. Police Officers, who are apparently in training to become part of the Royal Canadian Mounties, came inside the barrier on horseback. Why? I have no clue, especially considering there were tons of security and a police vehicle already there. Once inside the barriers, these beautiful animals, with an unfortunate odor problem, needed to let loose. Yes, piles and piles of it. I was worried at this point that the idols would not be coming out because it was really totally disgusting.

I get the mounted police in my neighborhood during important Red Sox games. I imagine all the mounted police are in Mission Hill right now, given the fact there are 4 ex-presidents, 1 current president, and a bunch of other politicians/notables/et al departing a basilica about 1.5 miles away from me right now. Good thing the Yankees weren’t playing this weekend. CHAOS WOULD HAVE ENSUED WITHOUT THE MOUNTED POLICE.

We waited for about an hour and half and then the idols came out. Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, Anoop, Scott and his brother, Allison, Danny, Matt, Lil and Kris. Adam did not come out. The Idols that worked their way over to our section were:

Megan Joy — dressed in a denim jumper (don’t ask). Stunning in person, gracious and accommodating to the fans. We told her that we were from Jamaica and loved that she chose a Bob Marley song while on the show. She seemed very pleased with that and smiled, saying “Thank you!”

Michael Sarver — wearing a “funky” hat. Signed away but didn’t really look up for pictures or engage much with the fans in our section.

Those hats are hiding the Quatto Renissance. BOOOO!!!

Anoop Desai — Wearing a UNC Hoodie and knee-length shorts. Signed as many autographs as he could and smiled for pics. Seemed a bit rushed, as many of the idols did.

Allison Iraheta — Such a pretty girl. She took her time and signed and talked to tons of fans. She got many gifts from fans and had a relative with her. When she came to our section, I shyly asked “Can I get a pict….” Trailing off because I felt uncertain and bad about nagging La Princesa from the second row BUT, Ms. AlliKat was not having that! She looked directly at me and beckoned saying, “You want a photo? Come on over here!” The girls in front made room for me and I got my pic with Ms. Iraheta. She is really wonderful! Slezak would have been proud.

La Princesa del Mariachi RULES.

Scott MacIntyre came by with his brother and we were all cheering. Suddenly my mom yells “Yeah Scott’s Brother! I don’t remember your name but, Yeah Scott’s brother!” — he loved it and was grinning happily when he heard that!

Love it. Behold Todd MacIntyre, the nation’s first celebrity blind guide since Annie Sullivan.

Matt Giraud was next and some crazy MEGA fantards damn near took my head off as they shoved past to stuff a beer can in his face — screaming at him to sign it. He basically ignored them and continued down the line to sign and greet the rest of the fans. Honestly, he seemed a bit peeved about that and I was nodding my head with righteous thoughts “That’s right Matt, show those MEGA fantards whose boss!”

Giraudtards tailgating before the show and M&G? How gauche!

Danny Gokey passed by and signed for people — not very engaging either.

And then there was Kris Allen. Fans were going NUTS and it was hard to keep my spot. He had a “handler” with him, who many mistook for Katy Allen. Lovely Katy this lady was definitely not. Seeing the other Idols and the long wait must have built up my confidence because, suddenly I yelled “Hi Kris, we came all the way from Jamaica and the Cayman Islands to see you, can we please have a picture with you? You took your honeymoon in Jamaica, can we please get a picture?!”. Yes, I said this out loud — a definitive lapse into the realm of the fantard. My euphoria was shattered by “handler”, who replied, “You can get pictures OF Kris but NOT WITH”. Although I know the woman was doing her job, I did get a bit annoyed. She came off as abrasive. A few people around me let out the expected “Awww” of disappointment. Just like that, she killed our dreams. Oh well! I was snapping away and Kris did take a second to say “hi” and sign my concert ticket — YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! He apologized to everyone for the rush and did his best to get to everyone in my section. Admittedly, Kris did look a bit tired and maybe even a bit overwhelmed. The man was signing hundreds of autographs and doing his best to talk to the fans. Kris was lovely and VERY cute in person. I was one of the lucky ones. He was only able to go half way around the crowd when they whisked him away.

At this point it got a bit messy. Kris came VERY close to stepping in one of the huge piles of the steaming horse manure I previously mentioned. There were gasps heard throughout. People yelling “look out” and “don’t step in the horse s#%^!” — very funny! Genuine concern for the fate of his feet. I believe Kris tweeted about this later, cause that guy has a sense of humour. After that we learned that Adam would not be coming out. My Aunt was pretty peeved about that, as were the many who started chanting “Adam, Adam…”

Highlights:

I got Kris Allen’s autograph, listened to Adam, AlliKat and Kris sing live, hung out with my very cool fam, met some nice people — cloud nine is waayyy up there!

And here are some of LeighKat’s photos from the show!

Her ticket — autographed by HBD:

Blind Guy and Blind Guy’s Brother:

The beautiful and awesome Megan Joy:

The beautiful and awesome LA PRINCESA DEL MARIACHI!!!

Kris Allen and his evil handler:

Kris Allen signing more autographs:

Matt Giraud signing autographs…and HIDING THE QUATTO RENAISSANCE!!! Leigh also believes he stole Kris Allen’s shirt

Spread the word. Do it.

THANK YOU CARLISLE. Everyone clap for Carlisle. Because she is AWESOME.

Since you begged so eloquently/pathetically for recaps, and since 14-year-old Emma (in your words) “kind of dissed” HBD, I thought I’d respond to your plea and (A) let you vicariously live out the AI8 concert experience, and (B) give HBD some love. I’m not sure if late-20s love can live up to teenage love (I, for instance, have no artfully drawn poster to share with you), but I must admit to being a total fantard for HBD – love that boy.

I look young for 32 so therefore, I will consider myself in my late 20s, too, plus, I have no problem to admitting my enthusiasm for Hot By Default. AND since I saw my first Idol show the night before, instead of living vicariously through you, Carlisle, we can RELIVE IT TOGETHER. Others who have not gone can do the vicarious thing, everyone else can relive…yeah, that works.

Also must admit that I’ve seen this tour more than once. More than twice, even. (Not more than three times, though.) This can be attributed to my desire to experience AI live with various friends in various parts of the country, or alternately, to the aforementioned fantard-ness. Take your pick. This recap is coming to you from the tour stop in the bustling metropolis of Albany, NY. Let me tell you, it’s an exciting city. There are civic buildings, strange weather patterns, and friendly bartenders. Good times. There are also faulty air-conditioning systems in large arenas – less good times. HBD is known as HBD for a reason (I would even go so far as to leave off the “BD” and just go with “H”) – but it was NOT just him. It was damn hot in that place.

Smallbany! I’m talking about Albany, not HBD, or H, as you would like to refer to him. But hey, he is a good-looking guy, much more so than the majority of the male Idol contestants I’ve seen on that shit show…of course, Quatto will always have my heart. RIP Quatto.

So, the show. Michael Sarver has a nice voice, a lot of enthusiasm, and no stage presence. But he does a good job, and is pleasant to listen to. Megan’s a hoot. She’s gotten better vocally each time I’ve seen this thing (the Amy Winehouse song was horrible at the first tour stop I saw, and now it’s a lot of fun), and she’s really managing to get her quirky personality across, as well. Fun sarcastic banter – I like bitter people. Scott does a TERRIBLE imitation of Simon, and he’s kind of a nonentity to me. But he sings with far more strength than his performances during the season would lead you to expect, and he’s definitely a skilled pianist. Lil’s karaoke. No personality comes through in her performances. But she too sings well. And she was working some great T-Boz hair. (I kind of want to go on AI just so I can have fun with hair extensions at someone else’s expense.) I feel all warm and fuzzy when I watch Anoop on tour – it’s so fun to watch an overeducated dork live out his rock star dreams! (I say this with fondness, as I too am an overeducated dork, and I love my people.) He’s got nice pure vocals on the ballads, and “My Perogative” is remarkably silly and enjoyable. Not sure how he’d translate to the real world music scene, but he’s definitely good in this context. Matt’s a real entertainer, and while I mourn the loss of Quatto, when he departed for good (i.e. was MURDERED – Matt’s a murderer!), he appears to have taken most of Matt’s tendency to abuse falsetto and riffs with him. And good riddance to that. I’m a big fan of the end-of-Act-I medley. It’s kind of Broadway, but it showcases all the contestants well, and Anoop gets to put the synchronized hand motions that I’m sure he perfected in his a cappella group to use for an audience beyond the arch sing.

Wow. I agree with almost ALL of your statements…but I think the falsetto came from him trying to deflect some mating call from Kara “Shit For Brains” DioGuardi. Quatto only does good. And I kept hearing how bad Megan’s Tears Dry On Their Own was, but it definitely was not bad. I like her voice. I think, if she keeps working at it, she could have a career. Plus, she’s absolutely gorgeous.

Act II: La Princesa’s a rock star. A real, true, fan-in-the-hair, black leather rock star. That’s all there is to say. Fingers crossed that her label doesn’t make her into a Disney “rock star,” and lets her be hard core, manic energy, spazzy and awesome. Gokey’s a good singer, but gives you no sense of who he is as an artist. And it’s hard to salsa dance by yourself without looking like an idiot – the solos on SYTYCD have shown us the truth of this statement, and those people are actually GOOD salsa dancers. His little sermon about not letting yourself be defined by tragedy is less offensive than one might expect, but he gives me no reason to seek out his music in the future. Adam’s a riot. His voice is spectacular and flexible. (Also flexible: his torso/hips. That boy can body roll and pelvic thrust like a true champion, and it is hilarious (albeit deafening) to hear the audience devolve into shrieking fits during his “racier” moments.) “Whole Lotta Love” is rock-god (TM Kara) awesome; “Starlight” is being performed in a totally different key from the beginning of the tour (because Adam’s spectacular and flexible voice is getting shot to hell…), but sounds equally great both ways; “Mad World” is beautifully eerie, and it’s amusing to watch every single LCD screen in the audience light up to tape it (although really people? Isn’t it more fun to watch with your eyes than through your camera?); “Slow Ride” features the return of La Rock Star del Mariachi, and how can you go wrong with that; and the Bowie medley is kind of like the Crazy Adam Lambert Variety Show, but in a good way.

Love love love La Princesa del Mariachi. She is a SUPERSTAR. So did Gokey go into the whole PREACHER VOICE thing, though? Because I was not expecting that sort of thing, not the full-on-I’m-at-the-pulpit sort of thing, I was just expecting inspirational speech. I thought Pastor Rolex was going to come around the corner with a tithing envelope with a place for the credit card number. Hell, Pastor Rolex even takes DISCOVER.

Love for HBD: Seriously, he is so good, and so satisfying to watch/listen to. He’s totally connected to the music, and it really draws the audience in. “Heartless” is much rock-ier than the solo acoustic version from Top 3 night, but it maintains that phrasing and emotional investment and delicate touch. HBD knows when to hold back and when to attack, and it gives his music interesting and attractive dynamics. Watching HBD rock out on electric guitar (“All These Things That I’ve Done”), piano (“Ain’t No Sunshine”) or both (“Bright Lights”) is deeply pleasurable – he loves what he’s doing so much. And “Hey Jude” is just great – I hope he does a different Beatles song in concert each time he tours. Cannot wait for a solo tour. Assuming, that is, that his album doesn’t suck – but I do think he’s got as good a chance as any, and better than most, of making an enjoyable album, even while under the thumb of 19/AI. Fingers crossed!

Final thoughts: “Don’t Stop Believin” is apparently the theme song of the year, and it’s a perfect ending to the tour – fun, karaoke, shows off their voices, everything you want from AI (although there could be more cheesy choreography – I love cheesy choreography). When leaving the stadium, my friend and I inadvertently discovered the “bus stalking” area, and after fortifying ourselves with liquor, wandered back to check out the insanity. Sadly, it wasn’t that insane after all. There were lots of small children chanting “We want Adam!” (note to parents: why are you letting your small children stand around chanting “we want Adam” at 11:30pm? Isn’t that past bedtime? On a weeknight, too!), and HBD was signing autographs. Clearly, it was the thrill of the evening to crane my neck to catch a glimpse of him over the crowd. (One has to crane to see HBD – he’s rather wee.) I desperately wanted to trample the tweens, push my way to the front, and get him to sign my (plaid) bra, but somehow, I restrained myself. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Wise words from a wise woman.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

Carlisle, you rock. And if you’re going to Bridgeport, let me know. I may be attending that show with some NY friends who are also in the blogging racket. (Is blogging a racket? Perhaps. No clue. It’s after 3am and I’m watching The Handmaid’s Tale. Poor Natasha Richardson. That’s still sad. Never saw this movie, just read the book. Used to it could maybe happen when Bush was President. Oh, hell, it was 2004. Things looked bleak.)

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In addition to my Idol recap, I will also be posting a recap of the NYC show from LeighKat, an Idol fan from JAMAICA and the CAYMAN ISLANDS. She’s tropical! Lucky. Let’s hope Hurricane Bill doesn’t make a visit to her parts.

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Emma went to the recent show and I MUST give her credit. Not only is her recap pretty damn funny, she also sent me photos of herself with a fake Lambert-esque tattoo…

AND the tard signage they brought to the show!

Ok. It’s now time to read Emma’s recap. Some of the finest moments are in BOLD.

I went to the American Idol Tour!! It was freaking amazing!!!! Everyone was oodles and oodles better than on TV. Let us start with my group. I went with my mom, my friend, her sister, and her mom. We sat in the nosebleed section, but with my dad’s expensive binoculars, I could see even a pimple on an Idol’s face. Then in back of us, was the most crazed Adam Lambert fan I have ever encountered. She regards him as her own son. Need I say more?

Ed. note: Sadly, even with Emma’s father’s binoculars, there was no QUATTO to be seen anywhere!

Ok so I am a really big Adam fan so before the show, my friend and I made a gorgeous Adam Lambert poster to bring to the show. As far as posters go, I’d say it kicked some ass. All us kids got T-shirts that cost $35 each.  Mine says Adam Lambert on it and it is pretty awesome. Oh by the way, I’m fourteen, I forgot to mention that before. Now, everyone sang 2 or 3 songs, and then the finalists sang more.  There were also some duets which I will talk about later.  Ok so not to bore you any longer, let’s start with the first singer Michael Sarver.

Ed. note: Emma is 14. Tard signs and fake tattoos (And hello? She draws A LOT better than I ever could at any age.) are perfectly acceptable for a 14-year-old girl.

Michael Sarver
I thought this guy could really sing!! He started off the show as the 10th contestant and really pumped us up. He sang about 2 songs, or maybe three, and was much much better than he was on TV. He could even kinda dance! He is much skinnier in person. He seems like a pretty nice dude.  Not sleazy like a ceratain Idol *cough* Gokey *cough*, and he actually had a good voice unlike a certain Idol, *cough* Gokey*cough*. I think he should have made it farther into the competition. I can’t remeber what exactly it was that he sang, but it was good.

Megan Joy
I always hated Megan and her cawing. This time I didn’t really hate her that much. The lady in back of me called her a whore. And I mean the way she was dressed, yeah she kind of was a whore.  She had a really short pink dress on with gold gladiator shoes. She danced and sung around the stage with a nasally voice, but i was just so excieted to be there in the same room as these famous people that I didn’t really care.  I can’t remember what she sang either, but it was ok.

Ed. note: Was this the same woman who also regards Lambert as her son? Not very nice for her to be calling Megan Joy a whore. And I must say, Megan Joy can pull off short dresses and she’s what? 23? So…live it up, cawing goddess, live it up!

Scott McIntyre
This guy was amazing!!!!!!!!!!! I never really liked Scott that much either, but i thought he was fantastico!  He even made Blind Jokes!! He sat at his piano the whole time but I mean, it was really good. Once again, i still can’t remember what these guys sang, but I do remember that after his first song, he got up and started making jokes about how he was blind and when people go to fist pump him he doesn’t know what the heck is going on. He was so inspirational and sang his little heart out.  Claps for Scott!

Lil Rounds
Lil Rounds. Hmm. I always thought she had talent, but not this time. She sang Single Ladies, and let me tell you, Joe Jonas did a better job. And he didn’t even sing. Lil was wayyy off and screamed too much. She made her songs painful instead of enjoyable. Her dancing was quite iffy, and let’s just say that many things were “jiggling.” The rear view from the binoculars was ridiculous.  Not to make fun of her for her butt or anything, but Holy Tushie!  That was one thing that I wish I would have gone without seeing. Her outfit was hideous, although very sparkley.  It looked like some 7 year old designed it.  Then all of a sudden she rips off her jacket and reveals a tight black tank top.  Let’s stop here.  I don’t want to relive this moment.

Anoop Desai
Anoop was cool. He had purple shoes, so i had to like him. He did his thing, he sang My Perogative or however you spell that, and he did a good job.  It was a little boring at times, but i think that’s only because I was so anxious to see Adam. Anoop’s dancing has improved so much since Idol. During his little halfway point he talked about who know’s what and then went back to singing. I decided that I kind of liked Anoop, but was dissapointed that he didn’t sing Jai Ho or something. I just love that song.

Matt Giraud
Woot woot! I adore Matt. Unfortunately, Quatto is officially gone. I looked. There is no more Quatto The Mole. Let’s take a moment of silence. Ok, now Matt sang You Found Me by The Fray and played piano and guitar during his performances. He wore his hat thing and danced around. I thought he, too, did an excellent job. Everyone’s voices have improved so much!  I just could NOT get over that these people were just right there in front of my eyes! There was Matt, Quatto-less and dancing around!

Right about here there was a little group number with everyone previously listed.  Megan did well, as did Matt and Anoop. Matt and Scott did a little piano number on a double keyboard thing. It was good-ish.

Then came a 20 minute intermission.

Allison Iraheta
Allison was the bomb. She had purple streaks at the bottom of her hair and awesome black boots and she just rocked it. She sang “Cry Baby” and “So What” and much more. Her dancing was great and her singing was better than ever. At this point I knew that Adam was so completely close I couldn’t stand it. Anyway back to Allison. During her little speech she just asked us if we were excited for the three guys coming up and of course there were a trillion screams for Adam.  Then she sang once more.

Oh I forget to mention the smoke.  There was so much smoke and fog in that place (Nassau Colleseum) that i could not get any decent pictures.

Danny Gokey
Snarl. I dislike Danny Gokey. He came out in a suit with a red shirt underneath and sang his stupid songs, which included “What Hurts the Most,” and others that I don’t remember. Then he talked about his dead wife and stated “Now I don’t want to make this about me,” and i was like “bullshit! are you kidding me?!?” Then he went on about the fricken president of america saying inspirational things like don’t let bad things get in your way and bring you down blah blah blah. I couldn’t take it. Then he took off his jacket and started to cha-cha and pole dance with the mic stand. Ewies! Did I mention that I could SEE his chest hair? *gag*

Ed. note: Once again, Emma illustrates how ultra-powerful binoculars are not always a good thing.

ADAM LAMBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam came out in a cloud of smoke and just was a complete god. He wore this incredible jacket and reminded us all of how good he was. He was just amazing. I was so excited to see him live and in person! He sang “Mad World” some Muse song, “Whole Lotta Love” and much more. His dancing was incredible. At one point, someone threw some underwear up there on the stage, and he picked it up and twirled it around and danced with it. I don’t think I have ever seen anyhting so hilarious. It was great. THEN! He whipped off his jacket and revealed himself in a black tank top and danced in a way that was not rated PG. It was spectacular. Adam made everyone else look so crappy. I don’t know how he didn’t win. I just don’t get it.

Kris Freakin Allen
Grrrrr. I like Kris. I really do. But how did he beat Adam? How I ask you!? He played his guitar and piano and sang “Ain’t no sunshine when shes gone” and “Heartless” and whatever else. He was good, but not good like Adam. Or Allison. Or even Matt for that matter! He wore a plaid button-down shirt and jeans and sneakers. He hit a high note at the end of one of his songs that was probably toward the lower end of Adam’s spectrum.  That’s all I have to say about Mr. Allen.

Ed note: It’s okay, Emma, I still like you even though you kind of dissed Hot By Default. But just think to yourself, would Adam Lambert be okay with you dissing HBD? Hee hee hee.

Then there were more group numbers. They sang “Don’t Stop Believin” and something else. There were some Kradam moments I observed through my binoculars. I was so sad at this point because the concert was almost over and I would never see any of them in person ever again. It was so sad.

In conclusion, Adam Lambert is the best thing that ever happened to American Idol and really rocked that tour. Woottttttt wooooottt!!!

Thanks again for your recap, Emma, and don’t be sad. I’m sure you will see all of them again one day.

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KILLER!!! AND she basically confirmed the rumored Casper-Giraud (RIP QUATTO) hookup, as well as the fact Casper is a bitter wench. She also got to see the awesome Charles Browder, aka HBD’s BFF and kind of knows those shirtless cheerleader dudes.

I live in MS, and I am 28 yrs old.  During the show I liked Kradison, and I really really really don’t like Danny.   The people I went to the show with liked Kradison, except for my friends mom, who likes Danny (her prev Idol favs include Clay and Archie).

When we got to the Fed Ex forum, one of the first people we ran into is Alexis Grace.  She was headed up the elevator to the suites and stopped to take pics with a gaggle of girls.  She was even tinier than I expected.  She also lost the pink crap out of her hair(hallelujah).  My friend who lives in Memphis says that Alexis has been on a morning show since she got kicked off Idol.  The radio station was running a contest to sit in a suite with her during the show.  We were surprised to see her coming down to the floor and take seats in the row in front of us during Sarver’s set(at least something noteworthy happened during Sarver’s set).  She stayed there for the rest of the show, which was weird because we thought she was going to be in a suite with the contest winners.  I would say they were lucky, because she had a total bitch-face going on everytime I saw her.  Sure, she posed for a few pics during intermission, but I don’t recall her smiling or seeming excited-she should be so lucky that people want to take a pic with her.  Maybe she misses Quatto.  Alexis did get a shout out during the first half group number, I believe with Matt saying something like “We love you Alexis Grace.” All I have to say is, Alexis=bitter and it showed.

[Attached are the pics I got of Alexis on the floor.  You can see Sarver on stage in one of the photos]

The next odd thing we saw was during intermission.  My cousin noticed that people were stopping this random guy to take pics on the stairs leading down to the floor.  We realize when he gets down to the floor that is Kris’ brother.  He is also sitting on the row in front of us.   I wonder, do other Idol siblings get this?  I could understand Scott’s seeing-eye-brother since he kinda has to be there…Why would you want a pic with an Idol relative?  To his credit, he seemed pretty cool about it(cooler than Alexis Grace).  Then Kris’ bro and his entourage moved directly in front of us, just hanging out.  He has some very hot guys with him, so we oogled for the rest of intermission.  Turns out, the group of guys is from the pic you posted of Adam + shirtless cheerleaders.  And if anyone is interested, I used to work with Katy Allen’s cousin by marriage, so if anyone wants a pic with him, I can totally hook ya’ll up.

Speaking of Katy, she came out to the floor during Kris’ set.  It wasnt hard to miss her long blonde hair.  She is also tinier than I thought she would be, which then made me realize how truly tiny Kris is!  She came and hung out next to this big ol’dude who was losing it for Kris anbout 3 rows in front of us.  He was essentially trying to do a headbanging of sorts in the isle.  We spent a lot of time laughing at him.

Sitting directly in front of us were a group of 15 yr olds we I thought might faint when Adam came on stage.   They screamed for him everythime his picture came up prior to the show…they even screamed if they saw his hair, eyes, or mouth when they replayed that Ford commercial where they mis-matched everyone’s face.  Adam by far got the best reception.  I am also proud to say that people didn’t seem to like Danny as much as I thought they would.  I did not see anyone doing hand hearts (thank God because I might have gotten violent).  Also, no one threw Adam any bras on stage.  Memphis was pretty chill, but I expected that.

During intermission, I did manage to see a few freaks in home made Adam shirts.  There was one older lady, I couldnt get all of her shirt, but it said GLAM IS THE NEW BLACK.  She is the one in the photo with the black girl in her own Adam shirt.  Then there were the girls a few rows in front of us with Adam shirts that were better than the creepy one AI sells for $35 bucks.  When we were leaving, I spotted the lone Matt fan, this huge girl in a fedora.  I was so sad that I didn’t get a pic of her…but the gods were smiling down on me, and she and her friend happened to be sitting in front of us and I got a pic of sad fedora girl from behind.

If you have any questions about anything, let me know.  I am attaching pics, and linking to all of the photos I took.  I actually had a lot from the begining of the show, but they all turned out bad, so I deleted them.  I think some of the Adam ones are pretty hilarious though!  And I am attaching the douchebag Danny “worship me” pose haha!

Here are some of my absolute FAVORITE shots from Stark Vegas. She’s a good photographer, isn’t she?

Blind Guy is wearing a fedora. They say its for the dueling piano act between him and Matt Giraud, however, I know a black fedora is akin to wearing a black armband. RIP QUATTO THE MOLE!!! (And I didn’t post any of Giraud because he killed Quatto!!!)

Anoop is wearing hipster glasses for one of his songs?

I can kind of feel the love between Anoop and Tattooed Mormon Joy, can’t you? She is so beautiful. This scene almost melted my icy little heart.

Adam Lambert! Adam Lambert! She had a good many of these but I think these two were definite standouts…although I’m sure I could find others. Of course, I would probably then be forced to endure Glambert wrath for the rest of the week and frankly…

And here is some Gokey…on his pulpit…

OMG I CAN SOOOOOO FEEL THE GODLY LOVE RIGHT NOW!!!!

LA PRINCESA DEL MARIACHI!!!

Oh, yes…I almost forgot about that nitwit Alexis Grace. Yawn.

And let’s throw in one of Kris Allen to finish things up, shall we? After all, the kid won the damn thing.

Everyone give StarkVegas a big round of applause! Her and D.B. Cooper have my eternal accolades and gratitude, as they should YOURS. You, too, can have such wonderful praise if you send me a big fat recap.

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