Even The Goddess Cat Deeley and some halfway likable contestants could have saved this crappy season, as it’s been the equivalent of a Tyce DiOrio Broadway number. How many people went down due to injuries? Oddly enough, there wouldn’t even be a competition if Alex Wong’s run had not been tragically cut. (Did I lose interest then? I did love watching him dance.) Mary Murphy is at home drinking alone so we’ve been forced to endure a lot of Mia Michaels, who seemed to harbor an irrational hatred towards contemporary dancer Adechike. But let’s face it, the judges all seemed to play the asshat card more often than not this season (Did Shankman? He is kind of the Paula when it comes down to it, even though he’s coherent and constructive.), even The Goddess Cat Deeley called them out.

I have followed the show a bit but I cannot tell you when I last saw anyone actually dance — besides the spin-twirl-kick-sashay-strut stuff done by the contestants during the beginning credits. Even with the addition of the All-Stars, a group which included a handful of my favorite dancers from seasons past, the entire season just could not hold my interest. And with TWO HOURS of choreography every week?

Some thoughts…

The show kicks off with Kurt & Lauren Gottlieb doing a Bollywood number. Yes, it requires him to be goofy, but I never really felt he embodied it, nor did I think the routine was as “fast” as the judges claimed. All three fawn all over Kurt — they do want him to win — but All-Star Lauren was tighter and more precise. She was believable. Kurt was not…and no, it is not just because the aw-shucks farm boy looked like an aw-shucks farm boy.

Lauren Froderman, the last girl standing, she loves the Snooki poof. Since she’s sort of the default female in this Final 3, and the season boasted a very strong crop of male contestants…she will finish third. But in the politico-themed Nappy Tabs routine to Kayne West’s Power, Lauren ably holds her own against the incomparable tWitch, even if I keep thinking how awesome it would be to see Courtney Galliano in her place. (Season 4? 5? That first one I watched. It is still the best.)

Robert Roldan and Mark Kanemura. Dancing to Devo. I don’t even have to watch it to know it’s gonna be off the chain. Even if it is a TYCE DIORIO number. I have a feeling he just lived out several fantasies watching his handiwork, but yeah…both of them are hot. I must agree — Nigel says, it wasn’t even a Tyce routine. No, it was not. Because it was actually insanely enjoyable. And it’s impossible not to adore Robert and Mark.

Ok…I’m getting bored. And still wondering why male contemporary dancers always solo in J. Crew apparel on this show.

Spread the word. Do it.

So let’s try this again, shall we? I’ll start off by wondering, for the 5500th time, why this show must continue to be two hours. Unless The Goddess Cat Deeley is going to do a dress change for the second hour and I get to see my Sonya Tayeh more than once or twice, this shit is almost UNBEARABLE without hearing the shrill wail of the Hot Tamale Train’s lone conductor.

Alex Wong is gone and this makes me sad. I loved watching him dance. He had surgery. I hope he can dance again. I hope they’ve given him the good pills. And we may be down another one! One of the only two girls left, Ashley, seems to be injured. Oh noes! And Mia Michaels is dressed like Linda Richman going to Sunday brunch at the Forest Hills Jewish Center.

For one dance, they drew “random” all-stars. Somehow this doesn’t seem very random because why the hell isn’t Kent dancing salsa with Pasha. But Billy is dancing with some girl in a macrame slut dress. Jose received the gold star, which means he can dance with Dominic, one of the male characters one can choose when playing Dance Dance Revolution that’s inexplicably come to life from his animated form.

Mark Kanemura & Lauren Froderman
Tahitian
Jungle — Lost Voices

In the show’s first-ever Tahitian dance, Lauren (the girl who owns the macrame slut dress) gets to dance with everyone — and Lady Gaga’s — favorite, Mark Kanemura. Mark is from Hawaii, which is also a Pacific island where people dance in grass appendages, so this really doesn’t seem all that random to me. At first, I am frightened it will be akin to the somewhat culturally-insensitive ice dancing routines from those Olympics that happened a few months back.

They shook their asses, and their hips, and they wore native Tahitian costumes. I guess it was good. It made me want poi. Ok, not really, but I do wonder how long it took to Sharpie-on that mock-tribal tattoo on Mark’s delightful pectoral region. The judges have no clue how to judge it technically and Mia Michael says it was like a duck in heat. She has a duck in heat in her backyard right now. She likes ducks.

Anya Garnis & Adechike Torbert
Salsa
Oyelo Que Te Conviene — Eddie Palmieri

This is a traditional competitive salsa, but with more oomph. I’m pulling for Adechike because he’s got the cute nice guy thing going for him, his name kind of sounds like Ade, and I don’t like Mia Michaels hating on him when he does not deserve it. They really have it in for poor Adechike, as tonight he is forced to wear NEON LEMON LIME TRIM. The routine is one of the toughest Salsa numbers I’ve ever laid eyes on. Adechike was certainly up to the challenge. The choreography was fraking NUTS. Contemporary dancer Adechike was more than up to the task, even if they forced both him and Anya to wear such hideous outfits.

Mia, of course, has difficulty saying she enjoyed herself and thinks it could have been really good if they had a couple more hours of rehearsal. She doesn’t like his hips. Sure there’s gonna be a couple of bumps, but she would have found them if they had danced absolutely flawlessly. Why does she hate Adechike so much? Hip Hop Hooray Jose could have done that routine, been totally out of his element, and she would have heaped endless praise on he and his cornrows.

Courtney Galiano & Jose Ruiz
Broadway
Mister Cellophane (Chicago) – John C. Reilly

Joey Dowling Broadway routines are much easier to take than Tyce DiOrio Broadway routines, if only for the fact I know I won’t be listening to Ding Ding Ding Went The Trolley. This is a fact. Its about a stagehand loving a showgirl from afar and the music is Mister Cellophane, from the film Chicago, performed by John C. Reilly in a scene that literally brought tears to my eyes. John C. Reilly. One of the most talented bastards of our time. I mean, Mister Cellophane AND Dr. Steve Brule?

I digress. Jose’s emotive faces remind me of a Michael Jackson impersonator being told the monkey they stole and named Bubbles was sent back to the Zoo. Dowling truly deserves credit. This routine is one that focuses almost solely on the contestant with the all-star in an actual supporting role. But the entire thing left me a little flat. Perhaps I was expecting more after the high-octane salsa routine as seen before the commercial break? This just was not that good.

Mia has difficulty cutting Jose down because he throws down the sad face. She would not have let that stop her if Adechike was throwing down his sad panda face!

Allison Holker & Robert Roldan
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Fix You — Coldplay

Travis Wall choreographed a contemporary routine about his mother having surgery. This is a slam dunk and I haven’t even seen it. This is like the dancing equivalent of that Sarah McLachlan for the ASPCA commercial (or Mia Michael’s gorgeous routine from the showcase episode at the beginning of the season). They also have the evening’s best outfits thus far, in a Gap and Gap Body kind of way.

I’m still waiting to see astounding contemporary dancing I have never seen before, but hey, the shit was good and a teary Travis Wall and Robert Roldan kind of get to me. And now I have a lump in my throat. Robert is also hot. Allison did the Hallelujah number with Alex Wong, didn’t she? She is THE go-to girl for heartfelt emotional tragic dancing.

You knew Mia was going to lose her shit because of everything she’s gone through with her mother’s recent passing. The lump in my throat is getting bigger and I’m fighting it, but all I have to say is that I REALLY hope Adechike gets a sick mother routine next week. Adam wants Travis Wall to get an Emmy nomination for that. Travis Wall, I’ve only seen him as a choreographer on this show but he is really something special, and I cannot remember a routine of his that did not work.

Anya Garnis & Billy Bell
Jive — Louis van Amstel
Paradise by the Dashboard Light — Meat Loaf

Billy Bell playing the strong confident man? TO MEATLOAF? Jesus Christ. This is Cha Cha Diagoria shit. (Ok…I guess its a jive so…hand jive…jive…) I’m trying to believe Billy as a horny bastard. It’s not going that well. I mean, it helps he has a cheaply-dressed blond Russian woman slapping his ass around a bit. It does, however, end up better than one would have originally thought.

So, jidges, you’ve really never heard the term SEX BOMB before? Feast your eyes on Tommy J!

Neil Haskell & Kent Boyd
Broadway — Tyce DiOrio
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal MO (Damn Yankees)

When I saw Tyce DiOrio sitting next to Louis van Beer, who was sitting next to Travis Wall, I just KNEW Tyce would be gracing us with his presence tonight. I AM curious to see how Tyce interprets baseball to an ancient classic Broadway song, but it just makes me want to watch Field of Dreams. I love Field of Dreams. Give me a sports movie any day over shit like Steel Magnolias. Have you ever seen The Rookie? Oh my fraking flying spaghetti monster. I sob for the last half hour of that thing, just as I do Field of Dreams. You give me any film with estranged fathers & sons and baseball and I’m a blubbering mess.

Again, I digress. That’s what happens when these shoes are too long and I’m forced to endure recap two hours of reality TV AND look at faux-dirty “old-time” SYTYCD baseball jerseys. The dance? Meh. The judges all loved it. I WANTED MORE DAMMIT MORE. I swear I had seen that routine before but they weren’t wearing baseball jerseys. They were on a rowboat. Or a trolley. NO! They were paperboys. That makes so much sense. Tyce DiOrio realized his destiny while watching Newsies as a kid.

I’m still trying to muddle through this and now it seems, judging by my Twitter feed, I’m missing Jon Hamm on the ESPYs. WHAT WAS I THINKING? DAMN YOU SYTYCD. DAMN YOU. And then I needed to get something to eat and oh screw it for now…

Spread the word. Do it.

Billy Bell, who I swear won the Tony for Billy Elliott a couple of years ago because well, didn’t that kid have the same name? Anyway, Billy kicked off the show purporting to be Ren with All-Star Lauren not really doing the Lori Singer thing to a throwaway routine to Footloose, choreographed by Tyce DiOrio. They’re not bad, they’re just not particularly memorable. Lauren just makes me want to do crunches for the next two hours.

Cristina, oh Cristina. She’s likely a very nice girl, but she makes stupid faces when dancing. They’re just distracting. I wonder if this would be different if she had Invisalign? In any case, she has nothing to worry about — Sonya Tayeh routine (to Santigold’s Dubstep-ish Starstruck!) with the adorable Lady Gaga fave, Mark Kanemura. The judges thought Cristina sizzled, yet she often looked somewhat awkward next to her much stronger partner. When Mark dragged Cristina around, she sometimes looked as if she was stuck to the floor.

Jose makes me want to believe I can become a breaker since I do yoga. I really should have gone to yoga tonight. And yesterday. Nigel says it is difficult to go from breaking to hip hop, yet this doesn’t seem the case — especially when you’re a breaker named Jose and partnered with Comfort Fedoke in a Nappy Tabs routine. Nappy Tabs seems to have gotten back a bit of their spark this season, no? I often wondered if they weren’t having marital problems given the low quality of much of their Season 6 choreography.

LaGuardia Performing Arts School (aka the Fame school) graduate Adechike is adorable. The judges don’t think he conveyed much steam in his Travis Wall-choreographed fantasy sex routine with Kathryn McCormick.  (Love Kathryn!) I’m not quite sure if the duo lacked chemistry, or if the dance served to showcase Kathryn more than Adechike — after all, he was getting pushed around in a chair and her legs flailed about [gracefully] in all different directions while slinking about the stage. It is also amazing to see how short Adechike is when standing next to The Goddess Cat Deeley! Did you have any idea?

Tapper Melinda Sullivan has been an early favorite of mine since her name is Melinda and she is brunette. However, her desire to be a “total entertainer” (She was even on As The World Turns) and over-emotive faces while dancing the jive with sex-on-Russian-legs Pasha may cause her to tumble down my list of favorites.

The judges went mad for Alex Wong and Allison Holker’s contemporary routine, set to the Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah, which is THIS close to tying with Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing as the most overplayed song on television. Yes, it was outstanding but come on! Wasn’t anyone else disappointed to see the GREAT Sonya Tayeh use such a trite song? Sonya doing a routine to Hallelujah? It was quite lovely and emotionally powerful, but the song already puts people halfway to tears within the first two verses After all, its Hallelujah! It must me emotionally resonant. The best performance of all time on SYTYCD? Uh…it was good. It was great and yes, Alex Wong should and will likely win this damn thing, but best performance ever? As much as I love Sonya and Alex Wong, I’m not sure if it reaches beyond the beauty of say, Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood routine of Season 5 or even Mia Michael’s extraordinary homage to life, death and everything in between from last week’s showcase episode. (And pssst! Alex, I know you love to sing, but please don’t sing that stupid Alicia Keys song ever again. I like you and I want to keep it that way.)

Alexie doesn’t do much for me, but this routine makes me think impure thoughts about tWitch. I love tWitch, so tWitch can do anything and I will love him. That is all.

Spread the word. Do it.

Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

And I always fail. Face it, I suck at life. Or at least writing SYTYCD recaps. While the magic of Jeanine Mason and Philip was a beautiful thing, not to mention the hottest head ornament since Quatto–Ade’s Pick–and obviously the exquisite beauty and unrivaled emcee skills of my girlcrush, Cat Deeley, you would think I would be all over this crap.

Meh. I think I just keep expecting it to be Season 5. I think it was season 5? Or 4? I dunno. It was the first season I watched, and it just happened to have the most awesome Final Four EVER. While I will always adore Jeanine, Phillip and Ade (+Pick), the latter two did not make the final four…and I don’t care how much this show wants me to love some vapid blond Mormon clone of Kherington Payne (who was overrated in the first place), it’s not gonna happen. And no Final Four will ever touch the awesomeness of Joshua, Twitch, Katee and Courtney.

The things I loved about SYTYCD seem to be disappearing, replaced by things I hate, most of all the bullshit eliminations. Hello? Natalie, Katee’s friend? Yeah YOU. YOU WERE ROBBED. And Ryan Kasprzak. ROBBED. Instead, SYTYCD has been sticking this teenage blond plant (from Utah, of course!) named Mollie down my throat since LAST season. There was some krumper who bowed out during choreography in the early rounds this season who was flat out AWESOME. That was the most exciting thing I’ve seen thus far. But he’s out. And there are a bunch of contemporary dancers who bore me to tears. I can only watch someone roll around on the ground and leap with such deep emotion so many times. And please, SYTYCD–unless you can give me a Bollywood routine as technically perfect and all-out incredible as the one performed by Katee and Joshua, then stop doing Bollywood. Because no other dancers have been able to do the style any justice.

So I’m watching the Top 20 show because I think I have to before tonight’s episode, because I will once again try blogging consistently about this crap. The Top 20 show is rather anti-climactic since its about five days old. Mia Michaels is gone–sad, yes. But now I understand why I keep getting umpteen hits of people searching for Mia Michaels hair. She buzzed that shit…leading, of course, to unsubstantiated rumors of a cancer diagnosis. And I’ve already seen who makes it, so…And today, chosen one Billy Bell dropped out due to illness, replaced by Brandon Dumlao. Maybe Billy Bell got hired to do Billy Elliot, because I can’t look at the kid without wanting to call him Billy Elliot (or as Jim Cantiello astutely refers to him, Billy Belliot).

Likable young guy makes it…a bunch of people don’t make it…holy hell I want to kill this curly-haired brunette named Kathryn McCormick who has the most irritating voice and won’t stop crying. I hate her. I hate her dress. Actually, her entire outfit blows. Just because you’re wearing cowboy boots with tights doesn’t mean its on trend. Yikes. Even Mia’s like, bitch shut your whiny trap and don’t wear gray tights with red, white, blue and brown.

Whatevia. They let this girl through. And she makes more annoying, inhuman sounds before finally walking away in her uber-stupid outfit.

Her are the Top 20, courtesy of MJ and her very Big Blog.

Nathan Trasoras - 18 – Contemporary - Mia gives him a big spiel about being too young, but the fake out isn’t very convincing.  He’s thrilled to make it.
Kathryn McCormick – 19 – Contemporary - She never stops crying, mostly about her family.
Channing Cooke – 18 – Contemporary - My Boston homegurl makes it. Nigel tells her she needs to work on chemistry with her partner.
Ariana Debose – 18 – Contemporary - Blink and you’ll miss her. Cannon Fodder
Ellenore Scott – 19 – Jazz – They kinda blew by her too, but no way this brilliant dancer is fodder
Billy Bell – 19 – Contemporary – Will have to put off his Julliard education (scholarship, no less) for SYTYCD.
Russel Ferguson - 20 – Krump – He’s a very versatile krumper who swears he’s never been trained (Don’t believe it!) He’s the first ever krumper to make the Top 20.
Kevin Hunte - 23 – Hip Hop – Hip Hop dancer, and cannon fodder, I’m afraid.
Bianca Revels – 20 – Tap - Nigel lays the fake-out on thick on the oft-rejected Bianca. But she’s finally in!
Phillip Attmore – 25 – Tap – Another tapper. He was super defensive during Vegas. He makes it.
Peter Sabasino – 22 – Tap - Is there room for a 3rd tapper?  Of course there is!  Oh Nigel telling Al Stewart jokes. Yikes.
Victor Smalley – 21 – Contemporary - Blah blah blah…he’s in, despite the judges hating his hair.
Jacob Karr – 19 – Contemporary – That was fast! Blink, and you missed it.
Mollee Gray – 18 – Jazz – Perky dancer from Utah.  She hurt her foot in Vegas. They put her in the Top 20 despite her “childish” dancing.
Pauline Mata - 19 – Jazz - She injured her ankle in Vegas,  but still, she makes the cut.
Noelle Marsh – 18 – Contemporary - Was cut in Vegas Season 5. Is buds with Mollee Gray. Season 6 is her year.
Legacy Perez - 28 – B Boy - They fake him out, and he falls for it!  He’s in the Top 20
Paula VanOppen – She makes the Top 20…but…
Ryan DiLello – 28 – Ballroom - He’s hot. Ryan and his guns make the Top 20
Karen Hauer – 27 – Ballroom – She’s so much better than Ashleigh. What?
Ashleigh DiLello - 26 – Latin Ballroom - Wife of Ryan. Damn, she’s in! Because Paula VanOppen turned the Top 20 down for a movie role.

Brandon Dumlao — Yay! ASIAN DUDE!

I am going to root for north-of-Boston homegirl, Channing Cooke, and will have to see about the rest. Channing Cooke also has the most athletically-perfect body, she makes me want to go do wall squats. Maybe I will. I like Nathan. And as to be expected, I will rip Mollie Gray and Kathryn McCormick to shreds every time I watch this damn show. I will probably also root for the “old” people, because I, myself, am ancient by STYCD standards.

Cat Deeley is awesome. I love her. I hate Mollie Gray. I may decide to hate this Noelle Marsh person because of guilt by association. Imagine sharing a room with Mollie, Noelle and Kathryn McCormick. I would fling myself off the nearest balcony. They took these lunatics over Amber Jackson??

Ok. I’ll say something positive. You know who else I kind of love? Debbie Allen. The next time I cry, I want Debbie Allen to be there so I can curl up in her lap. And she can pat my head and say, ooooh, child, it’s all gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay, child, just wipe those tears away.

More random thoughts…I’m doing this quickly…

There is no way in hell Russell Ferguson never had any formal training, but I like the guy.

Tap dancers : SYTYCD :: Gay people : American Idol — Closeted-but-not-closeted-tapper Evan Kasprzak became a fan favorite last season, just as open-but-not-openly gay Adam Lambert drove thousands of menopausal women into insanity, forcing them to call anyone who does not like him homophobic. He comes in second. Idol drops Paula Abdul and picks up beloved gayelle Ellen DeGeneres. Evan’s popularity (you guys are still bastards for not taking his brilliant brother Evan this time around) forces SYTYCD into loading up on tap dancers. Tap is the new gay.

We’re halfway down but we haven’t brought out Mormon Mollie Moron to panel, which frankly is just more evidence as to this idiot’s plant/pimpage status.

If I ever meet John C. Reilly, I will cry and ask him WHY WHY WHY WHY THE FRAK DID YOU MAKE A STUPID VAMPIRE MOVIE? YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT SHIT JOHN C. REILLY. WHY WHY WHY???

Where is Sonya Tayeh? I haven’t seen her in FOREVER. I love Sonya Tayeh!!

Oh noezzz, Mormon Mollie Moron time. Why are they letting her talk? And she’s dressed as poorly as Kathryn McCormick. And MMM’s little friend Noelle TOTALLY has Kelly Kapowski hair!

Do you people think its 1991? Did you buy a time machine just so you could go back and shop at Contempo fraking Casuals?

At least 1980s British Hair told her she danced like a 14-15-year-old. She is a stunted woman-child from Utah who feels entitled to a spot because she was a featured dancer in one of the High School Musical movies. I don’t know who I want eliminated first, her or Kathryn McCormick. What if people just keep Torture Tears around so she WON’T cry?

I might like Pauline Mata. Yes. I do.

Is it just me are do the majority of the contestants have ZERO personality? I miss you Jeanine and Phillip. And Ade. And ADE’S PICK.

I know I am always ragging on Utah. I shouldn’t be so judgmental. I know there are parts of Utah which are beautiful, even if they only sell 3% beer and have the lowest number of smokers per capita. I’ve never been there. I should shut up. And I know a few Mormons who are awesome, but come on! Why are they always doing reality television and why are the girls always blond? It’s like Children of the Corn shit, which is almost as freaky as the Joseph Smith stuff. All them have blond MILFs.

I own a Wii. Why don’t I use it more?

To all of you who think I hate pale females with blond hair, well then, explain my love for Cat Deeley? (And Megan Joy and now, Channing Cooke) Granted, she has a healthy glow. And has natural-looking brown low-lights.

After Ashleigh made it to the Top 20 with her husband, Ryan DiLello, everyone cheers. And MMM was DROOLING. Because she is a child. And she still drools.

I know. I am being rather childish right now.

Spread the word. Do it.

They’re even showing Jeanine and Evan first, you see, because they’ve already determined their final two — Kayla and Brandon.

Powder is getting too big of an ego for someone who wears vintage Contempo Casuals. This girl is a walking Rave sale rack, circa 1991. She’s shaking it on stage like she already won the whole damn thing. I really hope Jeanine “accidentely” whacks her in the face again.

Anyhoo, let’s get on with the show. Adam Shankmann is in the house and Mary Murphy is wearing an evening gown, which she only does when there it’s a special night at Miss Kitty’s Saloon.

I think I want to spend the entire night bashing Powder and whatever cheap outfit she is wearing.

Top 4
Boys Boys Boys (Lady GaGa)
Wade Robson

Wade Robson has created some sort of cheerleading routine. Football players and cheerleader. They allow Powder to speak and she has to sound out the word en-ter-tain because its well, it’s a big word, ya know?

Jeanine herkeys better than Powder. The only thing Powder has working for her in this routine is that she looks more like a trampy cheerleader. Well, this routine was just…ok. I kind of expected more from Wade Robson, didn’t you?

Now onto filler material chronicling five whole seasons of SYTYCD.

Jeanine & Evan
Contemporary — Sonya Tayeh
Heartbreaker (MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend)

Jeanine misses Ade and Ade’s Pick. As do I. Evan says Jeanine has a violent side. HA. Nah, she’s just sick of having to live with Powder. I love Jeanine and Sonya (Evan is cool, too, but I want Jeanine and Sonya, and Cat Deeley, of course, to be my new best girlfriends.)

Hands down, Sonya picks the best music used on the show. While I’m not sure if I think Evan deserves to be in the Top 4, I do really like the kid. He seems to have an almost supernatural ability to face whatever challenges come his way as a dancer, rises to the occasion and takes it to the next level when he is paired with a “stronger dancer” than himself. He’s got moxy. So does Jeanine. Jeanine is basically the co-queen of moxy (the other ones being Sonya and Cat).

I like this dance because it flaunts both Evan and Jeanine’s strength. I don’t think another dancer on this show has been as adaptable to different styles or partners as Jeanine.

Shankmann says he never saw Jeanine coming, and never saw Evan in the Top 4, but now he pretty much bites his tongue. He thinks Evan is the molehill who became the mountain on the show. And we get to see Sonya in the audience. I love watching Sonya bask in the glow of her peers’ words and a well-done routine by her dancers. Crazy Mary thought Evan and Jeanine would be good partners (i.e., she wants Brandon and Powder to be in the Top 2). 1980s British Hair thinks Evan can’t be thrown around on stage anymore tonight…uh, wasn’t that the point of the routine, which I think he gets but hey…at least he calls out how AWESOME Jeanine is and how great she has become while on the show.

Brandon Bryant
Dies Irae (Karl Jenkins)

Brandon misses Janette. I kind of do, too. Would rather have her around than Powder/the lost Dollanganger sister. Brandon thinks Mia gave him tough love. I think she was just working a good story line.

I want my name on a big screen like this and I want to dance in front of it. Just because. It looks like something everyone should do at least once.

Brandon flops around dramatically. The guy is talented, super intense. It’s actually kind of insane. This show makes me want to go to the gym. The judges cream themselves over Brandon. Crazy Mary sobs, but I’m just thankful they extended the shot to FINALLY show the judges’ beverages. Just give Brandon the title already, while he’s no Twitch or Joshua, we all know he’s going to win…unless they have mandated a female dancer this year?

NOOOOOO! Brandon and Powder will be dancing a Broadway Tyce routine. I think I may actually not fast forward through this commercial break, but go to my bathroom and readily apply some Jergen’s Natural Glow.

Brandon & Kayla
Broadway — Tyce DiOrio
Bye Bye Love (All That Jazz)

I love seeing how Powder-y Kayla looks when standing next to a person of color. The simple things in life are what make me laugh, and the look on Brandon’s face is priceless.

Once again, they allow Powder to talk and she has difficulty forming small words. My cat, Oskar, has a larger vocabulary than this chick.

This may be the gayest thing I have seen since walking home in the park near my house. Powder is wearing a Lady GaGa hand-me-down and Brandon is donning a smoking jacket found at Elton John’s last yard sale.

They did some impressive as all hell flip-turn, oh I don’t know what to call it, but he rotated Powder about 360 degrees while she was in the splits. Yes, even I was impressed by that one. Of course, I still totally loathe Powder, even though I love watching her family in the audience. I wish they had a different daughter.

BAD SHANKMANN BAD!!! He says those are the two he KNEW he would see in the Final 4. I like you Shankmann, stop blowing sunshine up Powder’s ass. Maybe you should say, start blowing sunshine over the rest of her so the idiot doesn’t look as if she just crawled out from a crypt at Calvary Cemetary.

All the judges cream themselves over those two, I’m not even going to dignify the rest because Crazy Mary is making my ears hurt and I’m sick of hearing about Powder. The basically are trashing Jeanine and Evan with their words of praise over Powder and Brandon.

Jeanine
Por Una Cabeza (The Tango Project)

Jeanine rocks. And Cat Deeley is actually an EXCELLENT interviewer. Love them both. Jeanine misses Jason, but I’m sure she misses Ade, Ade’s Pick and PHILLIP. Can’t wait until they’re all reunited tomorrow.

Jeanine is doing her solo to the song better known as the tango number in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. At least that’s how I know it. And I know translated into english it means for your head. Because I am SMART, just as Jeanine rocks. She also looks awesome. I think she brought Shankmann to tears, but she brought them all to their feet. They better eat their words about Powder after seeing this shit. Yes, indeed, it was a risky solo. And, yes…SHE KILLED IT. Hell, Shankmann is almost making me get misty eyed at this point (which I also blame on PMS, see the brownie batter, need to see chick flick from last evening.)

Crazy Mary claims she knew how brilliant Jeanine was since the beginning. I don’t buy it, however, I do agree with her “peaking at the right time”. 1980s British Hair says she’ll be in the Final 2, which I think is all bullshit because he pulled that shit on Ade last week and he and Ade’s Pick are now sitting in the audience. I think he just wants people to “think” she will be there…it’s all part of the evil plan.

Brandon & Evan
Laurieann Gibson
Nasty (Janet Jackson)

Why is the choreographer wearing headphones during her interview? Yes, I undersand this is a fashion statement of sorts, but I do not believe she is a DJ and well, she’s getting interviewed. She does not need headphones.

White Guy v. Black Guy! So timely! Let’s BEER SUMMIT over this next dance.

Well, at least they cleared one Jackson’s songs. This song takes me back to the 8th grade, which really is not a pleasant place to return. It still is a kick ass song, though. The dance is kind of fun, very Bad-esque, no? But you know what would make Evan look tougher? A SHANK.

Hey, I like these guys. They’re fun…and they’re better than POWDER.

(On an unrealted note, I can hear Paul McCartney singing Yesterday from my living room right now. It’s the next best thing to being at the show. And the Tivo is on pause and I am staring at the moon. What is wrong with me? I think I just shared a moment with myself.)

Evan can totally dance on his toes, indicating ample ballet training, I think? I don’t know. I’ve never been a dancer. But I could have been, oh I COULD HAVE BEEN A DANCER. (Just kidding.) Shankmann thought Evan didn’t do too hot, leading to the inevitable pimping of Brandon, although I must agree the guy looks like too much of a sweetheart to pull such nastiness off.

Evan, what’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

BRING CRAZY MARY ANOTHER COCKTAIL! STAT! BRING MAMA A COCKTAIL! If it weren’t for the stupid table contraption, I would totally be able to give everyone an ETA on where her beverage is at the moment.

Everyone thinks Brandon outdanced Evan and he is incapable of being Nasty. Cat Deeley doesn’t care. She loves them both. Cat Deeley loves all her dancers, why? Because Cat Deeley is a GODDESS.

Jeanine & Kayla
Mia Michaels — Contemporary

It’s kind of a journey we’ve been through in this competition and you’ve had to shed layers and go through different processes to make it where we are now.

Before you think Powder had an original & deep thought, think again. She totally repeated what Mia Michaels told her about the dance AND just proved she can’t use pronouns for shit. I don’t like the fact it seems Powder is in front once again (see Sonya’s routine from last week where she was championed for those “difficult moves”).

Jeanine and Powder are kind of off on some of their moves, but it almost seems deliberate in a way. This routine is also VERY underwhelming, plus Powder is in front and positioned in such an angle where she appears to be doing “more” than Jeanine. This also plays up to her “grabbing” of clothing, which is a common theme throughout Powder solos. Overall, I’m not excited about this performance and am worried Jeanine is going to have her ass handed to her when placed in a side-by-side comparison to the judges’ chosen one…which also happened last week, to an extent, to her and Melissa in the aforementioned Superheroes routine.

Definitely one of Mia Michaels’ weaker routines. Even Adam Shankmann had trouble saying he enjoyed it, although he covers well because he’s Adam Shankmann. Crazy Mary is just reciting stuff which was written for her, trying to infuse emotion into it, however, I still swear no one is feeling it — even if she says they’re the two strongest girls in the Final 4 EVER. Sorry, 1980s British Hair, it really wasn’t a memorable routine. Please don’t even compare it to Joshua and Twitch’s Trepak from last season. Although he does give credit for CALLING OUT JEANINE and not POWDER. HA HA HA. Suck it, Powder, suck it.

Evan
The Best is Yet to Come (Michael Buble)

I totally miss Evan’s bald brother. Oh Ryan, I hope you become a HUGE choreographer. Of course, you should know you can’t try out as brothers and expect to both make it during the same season, because that would just make American miss out on the faux-tension of making the Top 20. (Unrelated…I really, really, really want the shoes Cat Deeley was wearing during the interview.)

I wish Evan could dance to the classic original version of this song. I’ve just never been able to get into Michael Buble, even if they sell his music at Target (I love Target). I like Evan. I know he won’t win this thing but I think he proved enough just by making the Final 4, and hell, the kid has the best acrobatic ability of any James van der Beek doppelganger I’ve ever seen.

Shankmann recalls this routine was a variation on his audition piece, which he thinks was a calculated move which may have been risky, but it could pay off. Crazy Mary thinks he has excited millions of young people about his dance style of yore, because she really, really worries it could get lost. 1980s British Hair tears the poor kid down, tells him he hasn’t grown as a dancer. 1980s British Hair may have fired up a bunch of Evan fans…hmmm…

Evan & Kayla
Tony Meredith & Melanie LaPatin — Jive
T.R.O.U.B.L.E. (Travis Tritt)

YAY! The choreographers have found Powder’s weakness — her inability to get simple, basic moves a monkey could do in their cage. During the beginning of the rehearsal scene, I also could swear they were using Snow’s The Informer as the soundtrack.

Come on, Evan, DROP YOUR BIG WOMAN. Whoa. They’re doing a COUNTRY song? Please tell me this was the producers’ plan all along, to send off Powder on the Performance Finale (well…she is still the last solo…bastards) by putting her in an outfit most befitting?

Frankly, Powder can’t jive for shit. The moves are…christ, I wish I had proper dance training now because I would be better able to explain, but…there is something too STIFF about everything. Evan seems to feel the music, feel the moves and relaxes into it. With this song and this routine, it does not look bad. It works. There is a laid-back crispness to it, whereas Powder comes off as very jerky and slutty…obviously trying way too hard. (Granted, the sluttiness is kind of an element of the routine, but…her sluttiness was a bit TOO MUCH.) Each one of Powder’s moves are TOO dramatic and over-the-top for this routine.

Evan continues to deftly handle his big woman, but come on, she’s totally faltered with this routine. It may be safe to say she is a one-trick pony. Kayla Radomski. Game over.

Shankmann hates it. Crazy Mary uses it to bring Evan down, claiming Powder stole the show. Uh…Crazy Mary, stop drinking. Get off the Kayla train. Oh, and I have no idea what 1980s Britsh Hair was watching, but at least he was nicer to Evan again, whose name is chanted by the ENTIRE audience — moving him to tears, while Powder looks on waiting for more smoke to be blown up her ass. Let the guy have his moment, you annoying little wench. What? PERSONALITY? HER PERSONALITY WAS BEAUTIFUL TO SEE? She acted like a barroom hussy or a lot lizard with runaway bride eyes.

(Yes. Yes. I KNOW I am being ridiculously harsh on Ms. Radomski this evening, even more so than usual. Write me hate comments telling me I have a miserable life. Fine. I really don’t care. The girl bugs me and I didn’t want her in the Final 4, dammit! I didn’t! I admit it. I am still bitter about this season completely sucking in comparison to last year, which was the first time I had ever watched the show and…well…I just miss Twitch and Joshua and Katee and Courtney.)

Kayla
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These) Annie Lennox

Oh goody. Brandon and Jeanine are finishing things off this evening. The Goddess’ interview with Powder should be very eye opening, because she is a very deep girl. It’s a shame I absolutely love her grandparents, it almost makes me feel bad for calling her Powder and A Flower in the Attic. (Obviously, they would not be the grandparents who would keep their grandchild in the attic.) White Lightening. HA! I LOVE YOU DEBBIE ALLEN. Powder tries to sound all smart by talking about how much she loved her addiction piece, because you know, it like, OMG, spoke to people. Oh, and she just said she really knows how to reach out and pull people in. Conceited hussy.

Powder does her jerky moves all over the stage, kicks a lot, grabs at her Fredrick’s of Hollywood sale rack ensemble, dance is over.

Shankmann tries to explain to Powder that America hates her, but also calls her one of the best dancers they’ve ever seen on the show. Crazy Mary talks about her being touched by an angel and having some spirt about her. She clearly needs another drink. 1980s British Hair also acknowledges America hates her, but is nice about it. They all want everyone to love Powder, however, NO ONE DOES. Just like she had no idea what you meant when you used the word vociferous.

Jeanine & Brandon
Louis van Amstel — Paso Doble
Tetsujin (The Matrix)

Talk about personality. Jeanine. Jeanine has PERSONALITY. Louis van Beer loves Brandon and Jeanine together and I must say, what a way to end the evening — a Paso Doble set to The Matrix score? THESE ARE YOUR FINAL TWO DANCERS.

Seriously, watching Jeanine dance after a double dose of Powder just proves who is the superior female contestant. Jeanine never looks like she is trying too hard. Perhaps she does not have the extension of Powder, but that’s just one aspect. Jeanine is the total package. Powder should just go join The Rockettes.

The judges love it. Crazy Mary FINALLY sticks someone on the Hot Tamale Train! And it’s not Powder! 1980s British Hair starts saying all sorts of inappropriate things about Brandon being a race horse wanting to just get out of the stall and go after Jeanine and making him want to go after her, too. Apparently, hot flashes are epidemic because I think 1980s British Hair just had one, too…but hey, I can’t begrudge him, he did admit Brandon and Jeanine were the best of the night.

If you vote, you know what to do. Ade’s Pick wants you to VOTE FOR JEANINE!!!

(Wait…did they just say Evan’s Bald Brother will be in SEASON SIX???? YES!!!)

Spread the word. Do it.

Oh…ok…they perform 2x. At least Cat Deeley looks GORGEOUS. As per usual.

So um, while I really, really want to get rid of Powder, I can live with her for another week. But ONLY if we get rid of Contempo Casuals Caitlin.

Right now, I am drinking some piss-poor Heineken Light, because 10pm is too late to break into the Captain when you have a lot of crap to do at work the next day. Granted, that’s never stopped me before, but… I have no idea why I bought this crap beer a couple of weeks ago. Just like I have no idea why I can’t do my hair like the stylists do Ms. Deeley’s coif. They basically give the Goddess a different fashion era EVERY OTHER WEEK and she pulls it off with such aplomb. Now she’s channeling the 1930s. Two weeks or so ago, it was the 1920s. I go to work every day looking as if I crawled out from the sewer. That’s it. I want my own stylist.

This week’s guest judge is the big ol’ bitter Broadway queen Tyce Diorio, which means I’m sure he’ll be extra bitchy. Which will annoy the shit out of me, however, if he decides to go off on Contempo Casuals Caitlin or Powder, I will decide I like Broadway Tyce…for one evening, at least.

Melissa & Ade (Disco — Doriana Sanchez)
Move On Up (Destination)

Hey, call me an optimist but I’ve got HIGH HOPES for tonight because we’re kicking things off with…

ADE’S PICK!!!!!

Ade’s Pick makes my world go round. Ade’s Pick is literally dancing in the rehearsal footage. This is heaven. I don’t care if Ade’s Pick is 3000 miles away from me. In my heart, he is here with me forever. And tonight, well, there was so much Ade’s Pick love to be had.

Melissa and Ade’s disco routine is fun, plus its to Move On Up (alas, a cover, but still…), which reminds me of my collegiate heyday, when I was a platinum blonde waitress in a debaucherous nightclub in Columbia, MO called the Pure Lounge. Hey, I was 21 and hello? I had spent about 14 hours at Tunnel in NYC so I was all hip and shit. I knew what was up.

While Melissa has some amazing flexibility, there are a few moments when she does look out of her element and OMG she falls during the end. Granted, she probably lost her balance and train of thought when she caught a load of this lunatic in the audience.

Whoa. HOLD ON. FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally there is a tard sign I can really appreciate, because it is a tard sign for…ADE’S PICK!!!!!

Nigel talks about the routine being trememdous, throws in something about the American Ballet Company doing Romeo & Juliet next week, blah blah blah…ok, let’s get to Crazy Mary. Has she been drinking? YES SHE HAS! She is already giving an AMEN to the DISCO GODS.

Because everyone needed a little disco pick-me-up today.

Tyce starts talking, and he actually seems PLEASED with the routine. But right now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about what Broadway Tyce has to say because I have found my two new best friends. I have a feeling they may be Ade’s family, which is fine by me. I want to be going to their house for Thanksgiving dinner. Because these two women rock my mutha-fraking world.

The picks are adorned with silver & gold glitter. I am about to sob tears of joy into my piss-poor Heineken Light.

Studio 54 eat your heart out.

Cat Deeley, not only are you a Goddess, but you can also COUNT!!!

Kayla & Kupuno (Contemporary — Mia Michaels)
Gravity (Sara Barailles)

This is a piece about addiction. Kayla is addicted to Kupuno. Kupuno is totally moved by the addiction theme. Although I gotta admit, Powder does at times look like a drug addict sleeping on a rotten mattress in a basement. The dance is all Mia Michaels-y, which is my expert opinion after watching two seasons of Mia Michaels dances, although hell, I can’t find fault with the woman since if I was a choreographer, I would probably be making interpretative pieces where people are artfully throwing themselves around the stage in some sort of heartbroken rage.

I would just make them get a proper spray tan first, that’s all.

Ok. That totally bored me. Sorry, Mia Michaels, I disagree with Nigel. It was not moved by this hot mess. And speaking of hot mess, Holy Comfort Fedoke! The SYTYCD Makeup Crew turned Power from a hot ashen mess into a hot meth-ess!

1980s British Hair thinks its superb…Crazy Mary tells them they’re staying on the train, which is pretty much the only appropriate way she can do her whole Hot Tamale Train thing considering it was a serious routine about addiction and all. Now if you give a crap about my astute opinion, I believe Powder’s grandparents should be the only members of her family with a first class ticket on the Hot Tamale Train.

Tyce really liked it. He must be getting some because he’s typically not this bitchy. Even The Goddess Cat Deeley thinks its going to be one of those memorable performances of the season, but I must disagree. I just wasn’t feeling it.

Caitlin and Jason (American Fox Trot)
Minnie the Moocher (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

Caitlin is excited about being elegant. I’m not even touching that one because its too goddamn ridiculous. Homegirl is rehearsing in what appears to be tie-dyed pink ruffles.

Jason is continuously brought down by his much-weaker partner. I still have no clue how this chick made the Top 20. This entire routine is putting me and my ginger bastard feline companion to sleep.

1980s British Hair talks about Contempo Casuals Caitlin making difficult things look simple and Jason’s intricate footwork. While I’m sure the latter is true, I don’t think Contempo Casuals did much of anything, and noooooo, its not because they made it look easy. Clearly Crazy Mary just is trying to get to the next break because hello? HOMEGIRL’S DRINK IS EMPTY.

The reaction of the judges may be positive, yet their words, and the performance, still strike me as undeniably milquetoast.

Now for the break…now for Crazy Mary’s drink refill…and frankly, this whole preview of what we’re about to see may just spell out diaster, given the looks of this fraked-up Doublemint commerical scene taking place above.

Jeanine and Phillip (Russian Folk — Youri Nelzine & Lilia Babenko)
Kalinka (Barynya)

A playful competition between a man and a woman…pure Russia…hmmm…

This is supposed to be humorous, right? Because it totally works if it is, if not, uh…whatever, you know I love Jeanine and Phillip, and you must give the latter for running around with a stupid grin and painted on rosy cheeks.

I like these two a lot, therefore, I’m sure they will get their asses reamed because everyone has been so pleasant thus far in the episode.

Anything like this, you need an awful lot of vodka to go with it.

Oh, 1980s British Hair, you’re so witty. Just come out and admit you loathed the choreography. Yes, yes. It was obviously too folksy. Crazy Mary is giving them credit for some shit they pulled out, even though she says it wasn’t that difficult…Tyce must be getting laid because Tyce is all Mr. Positive tonight. Like I’m starting to LIKE Broadway Tyce so much that I want to invite him to my kick ass dinner party with Cat Deeley, Sonya and Adam Shankmann.

Randi & Evan (Hip Hop — Tabitha & Napoleon)
Halo (Beyonce)

Love Tabitha & Napoleon! Not so sure how I feel about routines about accidental pregnancies. Does she wear a pillow? Will they be doing it to Papa Don’t Preach?

Okay. I totally think the shirt they are having Randi wear is a bit blouson to infer the whole “with child” thing. And because we know she’s supposed to be “pregnant”, I keep thinking if he should be whipping her around so much. Ah, ok…1980s British Hair was thinking the same thing. He does make a valid point about Tabitha and Napoleon not asking Randi & Evan to be urban, but to be themselves to a hip hop feel.

Good idea.

Because I’m all for the underdog and such, I sort of want Evan to steal Randi away from her Mormon husband and homestead. SYTYCD Scandal!

Note to Fox: Whether it was in-house or done by a “respectable” agency, you need to fire all of those involved with your ridiculous All-Star Game promotional campaign. Making the St. Louis Arch a GIGANTIC MAGNET picking people up from all over and then letting them slide off into Busch Stadium? Is there a Razzie equivilent to the Clios, because you people totally earned one for such nonsense.

Janette and Brandon (Argentine Tango — Miriam and Leonardo)
Libertango from Forever Tango (Broadway Cast Album)

Brandon was the only one who couldn’t speak Spanish. I bet he felt as I often do whenever I go to a Vietnamese nail salon. Like my nails, though, everything seems to work out okay, as they do some crazy lifts and other “sexy” shit.

While I wasn’t blown away, it was certainly solid. I wasn’t blown away like 1980s British Hair, who leads the judges’ table into a standing ovation. Maybe I am staring at my screen while typing too much? Do I miss too much? What did I miss? Do I need to brush up on my ballroom dancing.

If that train ain’t coming, there’s gonna be bloody trouble.

1980s British Hair leads Crazy Mary into one of her thirst-need-more-Captain-Hot-Tamale-Train-NEED-MORE-CAPTAIN monologues. Someone still needs to refill her drink, btw. I refuse to believe she hasn’t had a refill since last break, but I am concerned, as it looks like quite a bit of the ice has melted.

Oh, the things I worry about. I am also worried about the fact I am enjoying Broadway Tyce’s commentary this evening.

One hour down, one more to go. And it is getting late…so let’s stop here for now and pick this back up tomorrow, shall we?

Spread the word. Do it.

What the hell is Caitlin wearing? Is there some Merry-Go-Round still in existence somewhere? Wait. I swear I saw one at a mall in New Hampshire in last year. I think…? The mall with the Apple store. Noooo. It wasn’t a Merry-Go-Round I walked past. It was a Glamour Shots.

Same damn thing.

Now on the opposite spectrum of fashion sense, there is Cat Deeley. Who looks insanely exquisite tonight.

The Goddess Cat Deeley is also awesome enough to ask guest judge Mia Michaels if her opinion of any of the dancers has changed. Ahem. Brandon.

She says her opinion has changed for the better. Good job, Mia. Good job.

Janette & Brandon (Latin / Cha Cha)
Hush Hush Hush Hush (Pussycat Dolls)

Do you remember when non-dancers wore leg warmers? After Flashdance. And leg warmers were so popular, they made them with kittens and hearts and all sorts of nonsense. And people would wear them with jeans and Nikes.

Janette and Brandon are dancing to some Pussycat Dolls song I have never heard. I guess they have four hush’s because Paula Abdul did Hush Hush (Hurry hurry lover come to me…). That video did not have MC Skat Cat as the love interest. It was Keanu Reeves.

Wow. It’s about 10 minutes into tonight’s SYTYCD and all I can do is take walks down a pop cultural memory lane. Pathetic. Anyway, Jeanette is all in her element because it’s Latin, although I swear her and Brandon screwed up at some point…before the her big twirl? There was that odd stop, or what seemed like one. It reminded me of when they didn’t do the lift in Dirty Dancing. Regardless, they were pretty damn good at that hip shaking.

Cat Deeley is soooo sweet. She hold Brandon’s hand. Nigel thinks it was the BEST DAMN CHA CHA HE HAS EVER SEEN ON THS SHOW. Wow. Ok. Flash to the choreographer…WTF??? Who is the kid sitting behind him and why is he wearing a Daniel Boone hat? In summer…in Los Angeles…

Anyway, Nigel is overcome with Brandon’s paintbrush feet and amazed how he hasn’t seen either one of them do their individual styles. Wow. It amazes me when Crazy Mary Murphy just starts saying shit which makes sense, but after AF’s recap, I can really see how these comments are rehearsed…in any case, Crazy Mary sends them both to her Hot Tamale Train. First class tickets, actually. Which is great, because I’m all about saving the brunettes on this show. And Brandon!

Mia Michaels makes Brandon cry with her effusive praise tucked into the whole when-you-see-someone-with-so-much-talent-you’re-harder-on-them speech. I mean, I think even the Goddess Cat Deeley was getting a bit emotional when Mia spoke. It’s all rather sweet, really, even if I didn’t get misty eyed. Mia also talks about dragging him places. Which sounds painful.

Ugh. Kayla is next. And I get they’re just trying to make her look like a broken-down Gothic doll, but the chick still frightens me with her death-like pallor. They should really have considered such things when pairing her with the mocha-hued Kupono.

(You know what is really sad? I had no idea this year’s All-Star Game would be in St. Louis until I saw this commercial with mad FX and Albert Pujols. My friends and family failed to mention this to me. In any case, this sucks. People sliding off the ARCH? Are you kidding me?)

Kayla and Kupono (Contemporary)
Eyes on Fire (Blue Foundation)

Why are we watching their journey? Kayla was devestated going to the Bottom 3 and losing Max. Devestated. Then they talk about all the times they were on the Hot Tamale Train. And I start thinking about the fact I’m watching a show where each week, dancers strive to get on something called a Hot Tamale Train.

This week, they will most likely be on the Hot Tamale Train again, as Sonya is choreographing them. I love Sonya! Sonya always does the fun and edgy stuff. Plus, this routine is about vampires, and vampires are all the rage these days because of that Twilight shit. However, if I was a choreographer and I had to choreograph something with Kayla, I might go with a vampire theme, too, because Hot Pink Ashen Mess makes it totally believeable. I know she spends all day sleeping in a Hot Pink Coffin and sleep-texting on her Hot Pink Sidekick.

Hot Pink Ashen Mess has killer leg extension, so if you give her anything with mad leg extension, she’s kind of good. I’m sure that’s oh, a pretty huge deal for a dancer, but she still annoys me. And there’s gotta be other crap people look for in dancers. Like you can’t look like Powder.

(Yes! New Kayla nickname!)

Nigel evokes that Twilight shit, so I kind of want to stop listening to him. If you say Twilight, I stop listening. But he does go on about how they’re just so perfect together, because Powder just HAS to go far.

Crazy Mary says they’re still on the Hot Tamale Train. Mia thinks its Sonya’s best SYTYCD piece ever and their costuming…their makeup…Powder’s lines…

Ok. Totally went and made myself a drink. Just because I want to go for a ride with the Captain on the Hot Burrito Train.

Randi and Evan (Broadway)
Sweet Charity

I never get very excited about the Broadway dances. Nothing against Broadway really, just all step-ball-change and jazz hands. Randi & Evan had a rough time learning Jody Dowling’s routine.

Randi makes funny faces. But this dance is kind of funny. And there are funny little faux-punching hand movements. Not my favorite of dances, I gotta admit. Even though I don’t dislike Randi and I dig Evan and his bald-brother-almost-contestant. This reminds me of a swinging 1960s movie, and I do love the retro, but I dunno, it just kind of didn’t do much for me. And the wrist stuff was a bit stroke victim-like.

I just realized why I’m so bummed out with tonight’s episode. I have concrete evidence about how much Crazy Mary drank and how many times her drink was refilled. That’s my favorite part of the show! However, I don’t think this is typical of most week’s as she is way to coherant and rehearsed. She’s almost sedate. Even though the Goddess Cat Deeley looks absolutely stunning in that gorgeous dress, I know how much Crazy Mary drank. All I can hope for now is that Ade’s Pick makes an appearance. Ade’s Pick is my new true love now that Quatto The Mole has gone into hiding.

Jason and Caitlin (Jazz)
Creator (Santigold)

I still think that Bollywood routine was not-so-good. Contempo Casuals Caitlin makes my eyes hurt even with her interview attire.

Ok. This piece is about an alien who comes down to earth with the intention of getting laid. I guess its like that movie Species? But wait…she needs to impregnate the dude. Choreographer Brian Friedman thinks Caitlin can’t do his moves for shit b/c she can’t handle detail. She totally is weak on the detail, which is why she sucked ass during the Bollywood routine. And I guess she’s magical b/c she impregnates him with hand motions. Her gymastic ability helps her out a bit, but its so obvious how much stronger of a dancer Jason is over her.

But let’s pause for a second and admire her costume. Because its completely whacked.

Nigel thinks it was crazy and weird, but I think he liked it. He thinks they committed themselves. But they all hate the whacked tin foil costume. Crazy Mary has not had enough to drink because she’s totally coherant and says it didn’t sit right. You know Crazy Mary wears Old Tyme Photo saloon madam attire when she’s at home chugging out of the bottle and takes Old Tyme photos of herself doing so in shitfaced sepia glory so she really can’t talk. Even though that costume was completely whacked.

The Goddess Cat Deeley makes me want to buy that outfit. Or something which looks similar.

Jeanine and Phillip (Hip Hop)
Love Lockdown (Kayne West)

I love these two. Go brunettes! Yay! Brunettes! And Phillip ripped his pants last week and totally didn’t care. And now they’re doing hip hop with Napoleon and Tabitha, so I’m positive it will be awesome. I love Tabitha & Napoleon. They make me want to dance hip hop by myself in my living room with my cat, Oskar. Wow. Just typing that made me take another swig from my drink. This endless rain is killing me…

I love these two together, especially doing hip hop, because Jeanine totlaly holds her own and it always just works. Let’s compare her to Caitlin, shall we? If you want to see DETAILED moves, watch Jeanine. Each move is defined and certain, which is especially impressive when dancing hip hop with pop-&-locker Philip.

Well if you guys keep dancing like that, you should be chained together for life.

Awww, Nigel. Did you write that?

Anyway, Nigel thinks every style of dance is Jeanine’s style. And Phillip was great. They were both great. Crazy Mary loves it, too. But she’s still too sober for my tastes, even if her voice has upped a few octaves during this critique. And you can totally tell Mia is gonna rip it apart by the way she starts.

Oooh, Are Phillip and Jeanine sleeping with each other? Hey, that’s cool. Everyone needs to get a little sumthin sumthin.

Melissa and Ade (Pas de Deux)
Romeo & Juliet

Noooo…where is Ade’s Pick? This is horrible. WAIT!!! I was about to give up too soon.

I am just soooooo relieved right now. Sooooo relieved. Everything is gonna be ok.

Melissa is the first person to wear pointe shoes on the show.

Ok. Did you see that sick lift? That was incredible. It was almost a visual illusion. And then there was another sick lift when he held her for what seemed like five minutes.

I know I’m totally biased because I like Melissa and Ade, and I LOVE Ade’s Pick. No actually, I’m not even being biased this week. That shit was pretty damn good.

And even better? British 1980s Hair says ballet like Peter Gallagher says it in Center Stage. Yeah. Center Stage. I love that movie and I have no problem admitting it. In fact, I’ve wanted to watch it ever since Michael Jackson died just because I think about the big finale dance every time I hear The Way You Make Me Feel (as I do whenever I hear Jamiriqui…yes, Center Stage had a profound effect on me).

Blah blah blah…the judges like it. Mia loves it was a bi-racial Romeo & Juliet. She calls it a bourgeois fairy tale.

DIZZY FEET FOUNDATION PIMPAGE

This Dizzy Feet stuff sounds like a great cause, but hello? WHY IS KATIE HOLMES INVOLVED WITH IT? Just so she can dance as Judy Garland on this show because she married a Friend of Dorothy. Oh, but photos of Katie Holmes are always so telling. If you look past the blankness in those eyes, you see someone longing for Pacey Witter to swoop down and take her and her thetans on a summer-long boat ride along Cape Cod.

Oskar wants a Dizzy Feet Foundation scholarship. He’s a talented dancer in need.

Why am I so bored this evening? The dancing has been good, Cat Deeley is a gooddess AND I got to catch a glimpse of Ade’s Pick. Seriously. Crazy Mary needs to drink more next week.

Karla and Vitolio (Quickstep)
Puttin’ On The Ritz (Rufus Wainwright)

Isn’t the quickstep the dance they make people do when they want them to go home?

Ok. Her dress just changed like, mid-move. That was crazy like drunk Mary. Can I be honest here? I know the quickstep is all sorts of difficult but it often bores me. Vitolio has good form. Karla has good lines. Yeah…now I sound like I’m critiquing…But I liked the first dress better, mainly because I don’t believe in mixing pink, red and orange.

1980s British Hair just said Vitolio held his form well and the lines were really good. I’ve so got this SYTYCD blogging shit down.

I also learned a new word: closehold. I think its one word. Closehold. Must use in sentence tomorrow.

Spread the word. Do it.

Ohhh…Ade’s Pick. And Cat Deeley, I have missed you both more than you will ever know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I’ve sucked about doing my SYTYCD recaps with any consistency, but hey, I’ve been busy.

I’m sure they’ll off another brunette female this week, so one of both of the girls with the J-names, watch out. (Hey, I forgot, ok…) You’re being sacrificed each week only so the ghastly-looking Hot Pink Mess Kayla can keep going.

But yay for SYTYCD this week! Kelly Clarkson! Tabitha & Napoleon! And BOOOO! Broadway Tyce. (Well, at least he’s not judging.)

And yay for filling those plastic highballs with the Captain and a splash of coke! Crazy Mary Murphy loves loves loves the Jesus Juice.

Anyway, here are some spoilers courtesy of MJ’s Big Blog.

Spoilers for the top 14 performance episode:
Karla and Vitolio — Quickstep
Melissa and Ade — Pas de deux
Janette and Brandon  — Latin
Kayla and Kupono — Contemporary
Randi and Evan— Broadway by Joey Dowling
Caitlin and Jason —
Jeanine and Phillip — Hip Hop by Napoleon and Tabitha

Third judge is Mia Michaels.

Spoilers for the top 14 results episode:
Guest Performer is Kelly Clarkson
Guest dancers are Desmond Richardson and Patricia Hachey
Group routine choreographed by Tyce Diorio

Spread the word. Do it.

Ok. Gotta admit I’m pissed 1980s British Hair chopped that amazing-ness off. Come on, Nigel! I hope that shit is grown out by tomorrow when the show goes live, of course, it doesn’t matter, because I am STILL calling you 1980s British Hair.

So far, I got misty-eyed when Natalie got the boot. Yeah, I know. I’m a fraking sap sometimes, aren’t I? And while I adore me some Mia Michaels, I worry her hair is looking a bit too Kate Gosselin? But it moves, so that’s a good sign. I won’t consider it a strike against Mia just yet, plus I know awesome Sonja Mohawk choreographer chick would NEVER let Ms. Michaels commit such unabashed crimes against hair follicles.

I promise to get on top of the recaps tomorrow once the Top 20 begins! Because hello? Who doesn’t love spending the summer with Cat Deeley?

I heard the annoying spicy Latina chick doesn’t make the Top 20. Thank flying spaghetti monster. That chick drives me nuts. And she has Runaway Bride Eyes. That shit ain’t spicy, it’s called crazy.

SYTYCD also booted the now-requisite(?) young widow right away, hell, they even booted that Natalie chick who was soooo close last year. These people are brutal yet…wait…so does everyone else have a more compelling back story or is gasp, SYTYCD proving its superiority-over-Idol once again?

Oh come on. It doesn’t even have to work THAT hard. It has CAT DEELEY. Right there alone it makes it so much better. (Yes. I have a total girl crush on Cat Deeley and I’m not afraid to admit it.) Hell, its like the polar opposite of Idol. Its a reality TV environment where talented African-Americans, Asians and gays do typically fair better than the rest of the honkeys in the competition. AND it has Cat Deeley, so…

Spread the word. Do it.