It was reported that STW was super sweet and friendly, which I’m convinced was just an act! Although most people would be genuinely happy to be spending other people’s money on clothes. Katie picked up three pieces of jewelry:

Betsy Johnson’s Black & White Bow & Pearl necklace — Very Connecticut! Very semi-sweet teenager! How good for her character’s image!

Betsy Johnson’s Black Polka Dot Heart necklace — This large heart-shaped pendant is surrounded in rhinestones. It also lends further credence to my believe people may start dusting off their Heart of the Ocean knockoffs as the size and shape of is once again en vogue.

A two-finger black diamond ring — No, its not diamonds, but this is obviously Katie’s favorite piece because you could seriously cut a bitch with it. (It’s also the one of her choices I may ever consider wearing, as I just don’t do hearts & bows.) Reminiscent of brass knuckles, you best stay away from Smug Teen Witch when she covers Toni Tennille in this bad boy.

I am curious to see what some of the contestants wear this year, as Siobhan Magnus wore a killer black (maybe Marc by Marc Jacobs?) dress during the semifinals. Also curious to see if any of the girls can top my all-time favorite Idol look — Megan Joy’s adorable strapless bird frock — which I totally found at the Melrose boutique many of last year’s female contestants frequented during their season.

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Here is Kris Allen and Megan being funny…

Megan with Lil Rounds, Lil Rounds’ weave, and Allison Iraheta all made up…

Here is Megan and Adam Lambert. More proof Adam Lambert would be a lot better looking if he just chilled on the makeup…

Megan and Anoop Desai. Weren’t they rumored to be dating or something?

Of course, I’ve saved the best for last. Its our favorite of all Season 8 Idols (even Kris Allen) — it’s QUATTO THE MOLE!!! Quatto is resplendent in his glorious beauty. It almost makes me forget Quatto Host Matt Giraud’s part-time plaything Alexis Grace is in the photo.

Oh, Quatto. I miss you so much. So many old feelings came flooding back when I saw this photo of you. Some things just never die. My love for you is one of them.

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Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

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To everyone else who sent me a recap, I love you. And I loved your recaps. But I can’t even compare them to this incredible shit show of an adventure because it’s like apples and oranges. DivaKalina’s Idol tale is straight up Fear & Loathing at the Mellon Arena.

It also offers almost irrefutable evidence about many Lambert fans never before seeing a gay male, let alone conversing with one.

Let’s begin, shall we?

My dearest Top Idol.

I know this may be a bit late (better late than pregnant) but I have to share my AMAZING experience at American Idols Live in Pittsburgh, PA.  I’m submitting this one-time exclusive review to you and only you as I feel you are the only one that can truly appreciate the rabbit hole myself and my friends fell through this fateful Saturday. I love your demented head. Pictures are attached to follow along with the high points of this shit show!

Let me start by giving the standard disclaimer, I am known as DIVA (it’s not a nickname it’s a social status) and I am not a HUGE American Idol fan, I could live without it.  I used Season 7 as a reason to drink during the week, much like Pittsburgh Steelers games.  This year, I got into it simply because I had a love for, sorry, Adam Lambert.  Actually, I wanted to hear him sing while I did a slow grind on his long freaky legs…like a little “Pocket Gay”.  Early on in the season, people all around me started making comparisons to my appearances and Adam Lambert’s — and I admit, there are times I catch myself in the mirror or I am photographed and the similarities are a little shocking.  As a matter of fact, one night we all got shit-canned in a piano bar and we had the whole place convinced I WAS Adam Lambert. (I’m 30, he’s 28 – I’ve been looking like a freakshow A LOT longer, ok???)

I was not willing to attend this show with my HILARIOUS friends unless I rolled in true DIVA fashion- meaning I wanted air-conditioning, Miller Light, and to meet these little bastards that call themselves American Idols.  So, my dear friends, Ali and Libby, met my list of demands and off to the Pittsburgh show we went.

We had to be there by 3 in the afternoon to be at the meet ‘n greet before the show, so being from the backwoods of PA we got there at 2 so we could finish the beer drinking we started at noon (I don’t condone road-doggin’ it, but this was American Idol so….).  We chose a private parking lot away from the throng of Puffy-Paint swamp donkeys that were lined by the buses so we could booze and pee in God’s eyes only.  By 3, we were pretty much toasted so we decided to head into the mass of people gathered around the Mellon Arena.

The moment I stepped on Mellon Arena grounds the Cougars. Went. BAT-SHIT.  I was approached immediately by one Coug that kept asking Libby who I was, finally she says:

“I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

“Who?” I asked.

“I SAW YOU AND ADAM IN ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE AND YOU TWO ARE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!”

With this, I looked at my two friends (who are now red-faced and pissing themselves) and we all had dollar-signs in our eyes.  I then knew it was time to work the Cougs into a hot frenzy of Mary Kay and Aquanet.

I then explained to this simple Cougar that I was Adam’s boyfriend and she had to keep it down because I didn’t want to be mobbed.  She then asked to get a picture with me (the first of 150 I posed for that night) and to please pass Adam a note, which had her name, her daughters name and their phone numbers scribed on it…then at the very bottom it had very specific instructions for my boyfriend to leave them backstage passes at the will-call area.

The Coug broke her vow of silence and soon enough the whole place was worked into a frenzy.  I told everyone to please keep it down but Adam and I will be staying at the Marriot and going to the bar there for a couple drinks after show (if a rep from the Marriot is reading this, you bastards owe me a drink.)

People were asking for my number, to attend their bah mitzvahs, I got stuffed animals, Adam got stuffed animals, Libby and Ali had to eventually step in and act as my entourage to get the throngs of  crazy fantards off of me.  We promptly retreated to out Miller Light safety zone.

Soon came the time for security to usher us into the meet ‘n greet, but first they instructed us to not speak to the Idols, not pose for pictures with the Idols — basically treat them like Madonna.  I thought – LAME.  After signing autographs and posing for pics for an hour as Adam Lambert’s boyfriend I at least deserve to talk to the kid, or be his boyfriend.

We walked in and we could see everyone scurrying through the autograph line as Adam Lambert and Megan Joy whispered and pointed at me.  Libby, now ready to pimp me to Adam Lambert, placed her thumb in my back as we approached him and as I walked to Adam Lambert he stopped the line.

Oh Shit.

He looked up at me from under the brim of his hat and smiled at me and asked me how I was doing.  I know you all may hate to hear this, but I fell in love at that moment.  I heard Heart’s “Alone” in my head and pictured myself rolling around on that autograph table like I was that crazy bitch from American Beauty.  I also hate to say to y’all that when he looks at you, you know GREATNESS just looked at you.  He’s TO DIE FOR in person.  Ok…enough.  I responded “good honey, how are you?” and he said “good, good” and the security behind him (he was the only one with security) started shitting a Buick for me to keep moving. He then asked my name to which I responded DI-VA.  He laughed and asked if I was having a good night, I said I’m trying and motioned to the security now crying in their cribs.

Libby screamed from over my shoulder that she needs “a G. Damned picture of Adam Lambert and Diva”.  Adam explained, with some anger, that he had to stay planted.  I kept walking and after passing Megan, Lil, and Allison up in a daze, I heard Libby and Adam Lambert yelling for me to come back.
“You can get a picture!” Adam yelled.

Oh Shit.

I turned around and I straddled that autograph table like it was paying my frigging rent.  At this point security laid an egg and ushered Libby and I out.  As we watched the rest of the cattle call (and I do mean cattle call — I don’t think I’m God’s gift, but after seeing the other Bingo Hall Babes coming out of that room: I see why Adam and Megan were pointing at me), security approached Libby and me.

Oh Shit.  We’re going to be the first assholes from Butler to get kicked out of an American Idol concert.

We were silently passed an envelope which held five (the exact number of people in our party) backstage passes for after the show.

TITS!

We drank some more, greeted some more adoring fans, and eventually the show started. I was heckled by Cougs and Fantards the whole way through the show, and I was totally in the bag, but I will try to remember the concert to the best of my ability.

Michael Sarver: Was an amazing hype man to start the show, addressed the audience well and seemed to pump everyone up.  Don’t remember his set.

Megan Joy: LOVED HER.  She sounded ten times better live and with the experience she gained since the show.  She hit some notes that actually gave me chills.  The girl had balls.

These may be out of order at this point because I lost my marbles after my third trip to the beer stand and only two performers.

Diamond Lil Rounds: SO MUCH FUN!  She’s only a little Polly Pocket in person but she is ALL MIGHTY LARGE on stage.  She didn’t impress me at all on the show but she blew me away like I was in the back of a truck at a Gunz ‘n Roses show!  Totally acceptable version of “Single Ladies”!

Anoopi Dogg: Anoop’s parent’s were in the audience.  Love them so much better than Anoop, and they love me.  Anoopi-noop got boo’d…sad.

Scotty The Body: BEER RUN.  My friends said he was hilarious though, did a little stand-up action

Matt Giraud: He’s tight as balls to hang out with, did an impressive set and played some MEAN keys!!

Danny Gokey: BEER RUN.

Allison Iraheta: Allison, La Princess, is a firecracker on stage.  She looks the part, acts the part, IS the part.  (kind of nasty in person though, sorry Top Idol)

Adam Lambert: JESUS HIT THE MELLON ARENA.  I cried at how overwhelming his presence is, I laughed at how inappropriate it was that he essentially raped the stage with no Vaseline, I got the chills from the incredible notes he hit, I was jealous of that jacket he wore.  I basically went through every emotion in the book.  I went through menopause during Adam Lambert’s incredible set.

Kris Allen: VERY GOOD, but he followed a tough act.  I missed a little bit because I needed a cig and a beer after that sexual experience.

After the show, we entered backstage (with Mr. and Mrs. Anoopi close to my side) and partied with the Idols.  No, my boyfriend was not there.  The Cougs backstage asked me where he was and I had to explain he could not attend the backstage hangout session due to doctor’s orders (I have a head ok? I have Twitter, this wasn’t a lie!) so I filled in for Adam and posed with all the Desperates and the Hungrys and the Lonelys.  Everything was drunk and horny until we approached Kris Allen.

“Where’s your hot wife?” Libby asked.

Kris — who is as cute as a button but SO NERVOUS — begins to ramble.

Libby cutting Kris off: “Oh, Will you sign my cans!?”

Cue Libby (who looks like my mental little brother) lifts up her t-shirt and gives Kris a nipple slip.  Kris signed the jugs, shaking like a leaf the whole time and we moved on to corrupt Matt Giraud.

Matt Giraud noticed that I had a lot of jewels on and he asked me if he could borrow one of my bracelets.  I said hell yes and gave him one.  We posed for a pic and I got to see the existence of QUATTO THE MOLE. I loved Matty G, and he signed Lib’s sorry knockers like he’s never seen them before!

We then posed for a pic with Scott but didn’t really feel the need to talk to him, or have him sign the knock-knocks, so we moved on to Allison.  As we approached her we could see a Coug with her desperate hand-drawn poster of Adam Lambert sprawled out and she was writing her name and number on it.  Allison pointed out that I looked like Adam and she agreed and I grabbed the pen and scrolled DIVA and my phone number quite large across her poster.  Then said “There — give THAT to Adam Lambert”  The Cougar then busted into tears. Libby busted a gut. Allison got pissed that she had to comfort this Coug.  She refused to sign the cans and we walked away.  Megan and Lil ROCK and got a real laugh out of us drunk Butler assholes.

The amazing night ended back in a dive bar in Butler County, PA with a text message from Marilyn, the original Cougar to me that read:

Marilyn: Hi Drake, it’s Marilyn we’re at the Marriot where you told us to be. Are you and Adam coming down?

Me: We’re in bed.

Marilyn: With Adam????

That didn’t even warrant a response.  With that being said:

I am NOT Adam’s boyfriend, I wish them both luck and should he and Drake not work out he can hit me up though — my number’s on that hungry poster or any Pizza Hut bathroom stall in the Tri-State area.

BTW: The Cougs Still Love Me!

You know you want to see more photos, right? Like one of DivaKalina and the cougs:

Here is Libby with Kris Allen…yo, Diva, doesn’t your camera have a red-eye reduction functionality?

One of my favorites, DivaKalina with Anoop’s parents!!!! Love Anoop’s Parents! And pissed off assholes booed Anoop. His fraking parents were in the audience. Assholes.

DivaKalina and Quatto the Mole’s human vessel. Notice the bracelet.

DivaKalina meets his future boyfriend. Not sure what the woman in the back is doing…

And here is one more of Adam Lambert…just because I know what the people want

Thank you, DivaKalina. If only we had more time, we could go to an Idol show together.

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And if any of you have recaps, send them over! I would love to get one from the Milwaukee show last night, however, I believe the tour heads to St. Louis tonight, the city where I was born and raised. So if you’re going in St. Louis, I demand you send me a recap!

Without further ado, here is Leigh’s take on the Long Island show. Leigh is actually from the Cayman Islands, and caught the show while visiting the NY area. What does Leigh being from the Cayman Islands mean for you? It means she’s your go-to girl for Tortuga Rum Cakes and Big Black Dick Rum. She may even be able to help you find a bank in which to store your dirty money.

Ok, Leigh. I’m just kidding. I love the Cayman Islands…although I think I like Jamaica a bit more, mainly because the physical geography of the island is much more varied…but that’s okay, too. Because Leigh was born in Jamaica, so I’m totally not insulting her. But I should get started with her recap now, shouldn’t I?

LeighKat (Twitter)  aka CaymanKrisFan (KrisAllenation)

I attended the concert with my mother and aunt (both in their early 50’s, very groovy and ‘hip ladies!), and I am 27. My aunt is a HUGE Adam fan. My mom and I lean more towards the Kick Awesomeness that is Kris Allen. From here on out, I will refer to our group as the island posse (We travelled from Jamaica and the Cayman Islands) and yes, we are self proclaimed fantards.

A funny note — we were among the very few “people of colour” in the crowd.

Of course you were, Leigh. Idol concerts may be even whiter than a Dave Matthews/DMB show.

We had floor seats, decent view but, a bit far from the stage. Not a wise choice considering none of us are over 5’5” tall. The venue was very crowded — almost sold out by my estimation. The standard screaming when each Idol popped up on the screens. Very loud for Kris and VERY loud for Adam. Already we were smiling and laughing, and joining the rest of the fantards in cheering when our faves appeared on the screen! I noticed there were some particularly uptight individuals in the row in front of us. They kept turning back and dishing out disapproving stares and head shakes. I laughed and said “You haven’t seen anything yet! Get used to it!” The groups next to us burst out laughing! I was backed up by enthusiastic “Yeahs” — fantards in full effect! I was feeling invincible! LOL!

My recap of the performances won’t be too detailed and are, by no stretch of the imagination, professional, just passing opinions and observations.

Michael Sarver kicked off the show and I actually enjoyed his set. We sang along and danced, as did many people in our section and throughout the audience. Michael was entertaining and went up a couple notches in my book. The rest of the “island posse” agreed and my aunt, the diehard Adam fan, was actually cheering on Sarver! Sarver, you managed to charm a Glambert!

Megan Joy: She looked lovely as has been mentioned in several recaps. Here first song was very nice — voice much improved. Didn’t love the second song too much and the wacky background animation was distracting. She moved around and danced a bit.

Lil Rounds was next and she did a great job of pumping up the crowd a bit. She seemed to be having fun with her set and looked pretty. Her voice sounded a bit strange — like she was fighting a cold — which is very possible considering the hectic schedule this crew is plowing through. For “Single Ladies”, she talked about the choreography and while Lil was dancing around, I was expecting something more — it was really just her doing some random moves from the Beyonce video. Regardless of what I thought — the rest of the “island posse” was getting down to the song and having a blast with others in our section. Never thought I’d see the day when my mother danced to a Beyonce song — something MUST have been in the air in that place!

You were expecting more, too? As was I. As I think I did every time she performed on the show. But  yes, when she announced they used the same choreographer for her on-stage routine to Single Ladies, I was expecting much more. Lil Rounds…was that even dancing?

Scott was next and he did a good job. Strong, clear voice, songs that many people around me were singing along to. He got a wonderful reception from the audience and tried to really engage the crowd with his cheesy, yet amusing jokes. “Good Job Scott” from the “island posse”.

Next up — Nooooooop Dogg! Yes, we were chanting that from our section! Sadly, this chant wasn’t really in line with the ridiculously cheesy sky background that Anoop had going on at the beginning of his set though. Really, what the hell was that? I had high hopes for Anoop but, was bored during most of his set. Had a good laugh at his random gyrating during My Prerogative — you can tell that Noop Dogg really thinks he’s hot! Overall, his set was decent. The rest of the island contingent felt the same.

And then came Matt Giraud… what can I say? His set was… HOT!! Loved, loved, loved it. His showmanship was up 100% and he was clearly having a good time. I was on my feet, dancing for his entire set. He engaged the audience and thanked everyone for supporting the tour. I have no idea why he gets so much flak for his version of You Found Me. I found his rendition powerful, full of passion and got swept away. By the end of his set, I was yelling “Sign Matt Giraud!” along with a few others. Although the chanting did not catch on in our section, the elderly gentleman behind us was on his feet clapping heartily! First signs of life I saw from him that night. At this point, I am grinning from ear to ear.

Although he killed Quatto, I found myself actually enjoying Giraud’s set, too. I think his years of playing in a dueling piano bar have served him well on the Idol tour.

Now time to close out the first half — group numbers and dueling pianos. The duet with Megan Joy and Lil was totally bizarre — I don’t get the logic with that song choice Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You or whatever it’s called; just bad, really bad. Why do these two need to be singing “I need you baby” and so badly at that? Dueling pianos were great — the best was definitely “Beggin” again, I was on my feet and dancing away.

That song always makes me think of the great film, 10 Things I Hate About You.

Wow…I thought this recap would be a lot shorter…oh well, if you’ve read this far then, I guess you’re committed and won’t mind if I ramble on some more some funny stuff to follow.

During the break, they rolled the videos and Ford commercials for the ten thousandth time and we talked to people in our section. Mostly Kris, Adam and Danny fans in our vicinity. I asked some ladies next to me if they had any idea where the buses would be and they couldn’t understand what I was saying. I laughed, “Is my accent really that hard to decipher?” — more blank stares. When they finally understood what I was asking, I discovered they had no clue where the buses would be. Surprise, surprise. The “island posse” would just have to go into full stalker mode after the concert to find the location. My neighbors were very sweet though and we had a couple of laughs that night.

Suddenly, the coliseum goes dark and AlliKat hits the stage! Yeah Allison!!! Her set was loud and high energy. I enjoyed everything expect for that Pink song — was never a big fan of So What. She looked really pretty and looked at home on the stage. She had everyone screaming when she talked about the “boys” who were up next. My mom didn’t really like the loud noise but…that’s ROCK! Nice and LOUD.

Next up was Danny — and suddenly the grumpies in the rows ahead of me, who gave the evil eye earlier, were on their feet and “jammin” out to Mr. Gokey’s set. That explained everything. I jammed out to PYT — it’s an MJ tune, gotta be on your feet for that. After that, I just sat and giggled to myself throughout most of the Gokester’s performance. I found the performance to be okay. His voice was strong and clear and he tried to excite everyone with his cheesy salsa dancing. He also had the “inspirational” and encouraging speech that we have all heard about. I admit I zoned out a bit… sorry Gokey.  The rest of the “island posse”, and others around me seemed to appreciate what he had to say. Me? Meh! It was nice. Whatever — bring out Glambert!

And bring him out they did! The noise level goes from loud to, I am now officially deaf and the entire coliseum is about to collapse around me. The screams could break glass — amazing! Adam Lambert is a fantastic performer, no doubt about it. Sure, there are moments when the whole thing comes off as completely contrived and over the top but, the man knows how to put on a show. I could have done without all the overtly sexual gestures and gyrations though. Way too much of what we in the Caribbean call whining — moving the waist and hips provocatively — waay too much of it. Thankfully, no bras were thrown on this night but, something big and white — boxers, a t-shirt, a towel or granny panties? Whatever was being catapulted onto the stage. Poor Adam. Anyway, I loved every number! Especially Starlight — I am a big Muse fan and Fame. Great Job Adam! The lights go down and the noise level returns to ear busting levels — my screams and yells were added to the mix because MY HOMIE KRIS IS NEXT!

Watch out, Leigh. The Glamberts are gonna call you a PRUDE.

Kris Allen — the reason I wore purple plaid and flew to NYC. Well, he was everything and more. Kris did Kris and I could not have been happier. I was smiling till my face hurt. Heartless was perfection, All These Things I’ve Done had me giddy and singing along, Ain’t No Sunshine was soulful and heartfelt, Bright Lights lit up my night and his guitar solo blew me away. He was having a blast! Kris rocking out, a great moment for a Kris fan to behold. As a Kris Allen fan, seeing him up there — happy and enjoying the moment — made me feel like I was watching a good friend live his dream. That’s the effect Kris has on his fans. I think it’s fair to say that, at the very least, my fellow KANationers understand where I am coming from with this. Hey Jude, the cherry on top, came way too soon. I wasn’t ready to end the night. Kris Allen is a star!

The concert was capped off by a great group number and the crowd was cheering till the very end.

The “island posse” was now all smiles and focused on locating the buses. By the time we got there, hundreds of people were already in position. Luckily, we were able to find a decent spot.

Observations while waiting — mixed crowd of young and old, male and female. One annoying woman who kept talking at the top of her lungs about Clay Aiken and Kristy Lee Cook. She talked very loudly and no one seemed to be paying attention to her. She also called Megan Joy a “silly blonde” several times and flashed her ponytail in my face over and over again — despite my mumblings. On top of this, she COMPLAINED that Kris did NOT sing No Boundaries and said — if you can believe it, “It better be on his album”. WTF!? Needless to say, I came close to losing it on her when she finally, took a few steps away to place her many bags of Idol merchandise on the ground. Whew, almost ruined my night!

I wish you had photos of that nutbag. She sounds charming.

Others around were friendly and talkative. Mostly moms, teens, a dad or two, and some really young kids who should have been at home sleeping. Then came the horses. Police Officers, who are apparently in training to become part of the Royal Canadian Mounties, came inside the barrier on horseback. Why? I have no clue, especially considering there were tons of security and a police vehicle already there. Once inside the barriers, these beautiful animals, with an unfortunate odor problem, needed to let loose. Yes, piles and piles of it. I was worried at this point that the idols would not be coming out because it was really totally disgusting.

I get the mounted police in my neighborhood during important Red Sox games. I imagine all the mounted police are in Mission Hill right now, given the fact there are 4 ex-presidents, 1 current president, and a bunch of other politicians/notables/et al departing a basilica about 1.5 miles away from me right now. Good thing the Yankees weren’t playing this weekend. CHAOS WOULD HAVE ENSUED WITHOUT THE MOUNTED POLICE.

We waited for about an hour and half and then the idols came out. Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, Anoop, Scott and his brother, Allison, Danny, Matt, Lil and Kris. Adam did not come out. The Idols that worked their way over to our section were:

Megan Joy — dressed in a denim jumper (don’t ask). Stunning in person, gracious and accommodating to the fans. We told her that we were from Jamaica and loved that she chose a Bob Marley song while on the show. She seemed very pleased with that and smiled, saying “Thank you!”

Michael Sarver — wearing a “funky” hat. Signed away but didn’t really look up for pictures or engage much with the fans in our section.

Those hats are hiding the Quatto Renissance. BOOOO!!!

Anoop Desai — Wearing a UNC Hoodie and knee-length shorts. Signed as many autographs as he could and smiled for pics. Seemed a bit rushed, as many of the idols did.

Allison Iraheta — Such a pretty girl. She took her time and signed and talked to tons of fans. She got many gifts from fans and had a relative with her. When she came to our section, I shyly asked “Can I get a pict….” Trailing off because I felt uncertain and bad about nagging La Princesa from the second row BUT, Ms. AlliKat was not having that! She looked directly at me and beckoned saying, “You want a photo? Come on over here!” The girls in front made room for me and I got my pic with Ms. Iraheta. She is really wonderful! Slezak would have been proud.

La Princesa del Mariachi RULES.

Scott MacIntyre came by with his brother and we were all cheering. Suddenly my mom yells “Yeah Scott’s Brother! I don’t remember your name but, Yeah Scott’s brother!” — he loved it and was grinning happily when he heard that!

Love it. Behold Todd MacIntyre, the nation’s first celebrity blind guide since Annie Sullivan.

Matt Giraud was next and some crazy MEGA fantards damn near took my head off as they shoved past to stuff a beer can in his face — screaming at him to sign it. He basically ignored them and continued down the line to sign and greet the rest of the fans. Honestly, he seemed a bit peeved about that and I was nodding my head with righteous thoughts “That’s right Matt, show those MEGA fantards whose boss!”

Giraudtards tailgating before the show and M&G? How gauche!

Danny Gokey passed by and signed for people — not very engaging either.

And then there was Kris Allen. Fans were going NUTS and it was hard to keep my spot. He had a “handler” with him, who many mistook for Katy Allen. Lovely Katy this lady was definitely not. Seeing the other Idols and the long wait must have built up my confidence because, suddenly I yelled “Hi Kris, we came all the way from Jamaica and the Cayman Islands to see you, can we please have a picture with you? You took your honeymoon in Jamaica, can we please get a picture?!”. Yes, I said this out loud — a definitive lapse into the realm of the fantard. My euphoria was shattered by “handler”, who replied, “You can get pictures OF Kris but NOT WITH”. Although I know the woman was doing her job, I did get a bit annoyed. She came off as abrasive. A few people around me let out the expected “Awww” of disappointment. Just like that, she killed our dreams. Oh well! I was snapping away and Kris did take a second to say “hi” and sign my concert ticket — YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! He apologized to everyone for the rush and did his best to get to everyone in my section. Admittedly, Kris did look a bit tired and maybe even a bit overwhelmed. The man was signing hundreds of autographs and doing his best to talk to the fans. Kris was lovely and VERY cute in person. I was one of the lucky ones. He was only able to go half way around the crowd when they whisked him away.

At this point it got a bit messy. Kris came VERY close to stepping in one of the huge piles of the steaming horse manure I previously mentioned. There were gasps heard throughout. People yelling “look out” and “don’t step in the horse s#%^!” — very funny! Genuine concern for the fate of his feet. I believe Kris tweeted about this later, cause that guy has a sense of humour. After that we learned that Adam would not be coming out. My Aunt was pretty peeved about that, as were the many who started chanting “Adam, Adam…”

Highlights:

I got Kris Allen’s autograph, listened to Adam, AlliKat and Kris sing live, hung out with my very cool fam, met some nice people — cloud nine is waayyy up there!

And here are some of LeighKat’s photos from the show!

Her ticket — autographed by HBD:

Blind Guy and Blind Guy’s Brother:

The beautiful and awesome Megan Joy:

The beautiful and awesome LA PRINCESA DEL MARIACHI!!!

Kris Allen and his evil handler:

Kris Allen signing more autographs:

Matt Giraud signing autographs…and HIDING THE QUATTO RENAISSANCE!!! Leigh also believes he stole Kris Allen’s shirt

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THANK YOU CARLISLE. Everyone clap for Carlisle. Because she is AWESOME.

Since you begged so eloquently/pathetically for recaps, and since 14-year-old Emma (in your words) “kind of dissed” HBD, I thought I’d respond to your plea and (A) let you vicariously live out the AI8 concert experience, and (B) give HBD some love. I’m not sure if late-20s love can live up to teenage love (I, for instance, have no artfully drawn poster to share with you), but I must admit to being a total fantard for HBD – love that boy.

I look young for 32 so therefore, I will consider myself in my late 20s, too, plus, I have no problem to admitting my enthusiasm for Hot By Default. AND since I saw my first Idol show the night before, instead of living vicariously through you, Carlisle, we can RELIVE IT TOGETHER. Others who have not gone can do the vicarious thing, everyone else can relive…yeah, that works.

Also must admit that I’ve seen this tour more than once. More than twice, even. (Not more than three times, though.) This can be attributed to my desire to experience AI live with various friends in various parts of the country, or alternately, to the aforementioned fantard-ness. Take your pick. This recap is coming to you from the tour stop in the bustling metropolis of Albany, NY. Let me tell you, it’s an exciting city. There are civic buildings, strange weather patterns, and friendly bartenders. Good times. There are also faulty air-conditioning systems in large arenas – less good times. HBD is known as HBD for a reason (I would even go so far as to leave off the “BD” and just go with “H”) – but it was NOT just him. It was damn hot in that place.

Smallbany! I’m talking about Albany, not HBD, or H, as you would like to refer to him. But hey, he is a good-looking guy, much more so than the majority of the male Idol contestants I’ve seen on that shit show…of course, Quatto will always have my heart. RIP Quatto.

So, the show. Michael Sarver has a nice voice, a lot of enthusiasm, and no stage presence. But he does a good job, and is pleasant to listen to. Megan’s a hoot. She’s gotten better vocally each time I’ve seen this thing (the Amy Winehouse song was horrible at the first tour stop I saw, and now it’s a lot of fun), and she’s really managing to get her quirky personality across, as well. Fun sarcastic banter – I like bitter people. Scott does a TERRIBLE imitation of Simon, and he’s kind of a nonentity to me. But he sings with far more strength than his performances during the season would lead you to expect, and he’s definitely a skilled pianist. Lil’s karaoke. No personality comes through in her performances. But she too sings well. And she was working some great T-Boz hair. (I kind of want to go on AI just so I can have fun with hair extensions at someone else’s expense.) I feel all warm and fuzzy when I watch Anoop on tour – it’s so fun to watch an overeducated dork live out his rock star dreams! (I say this with fondness, as I too am an overeducated dork, and I love my people.) He’s got nice pure vocals on the ballads, and “My Perogative” is remarkably silly and enjoyable. Not sure how he’d translate to the real world music scene, but he’s definitely good in this context. Matt’s a real entertainer, and while I mourn the loss of Quatto, when he departed for good (i.e. was MURDERED – Matt’s a murderer!), he appears to have taken most of Matt’s tendency to abuse falsetto and riffs with him. And good riddance to that. I’m a big fan of the end-of-Act-I medley. It’s kind of Broadway, but it showcases all the contestants well, and Anoop gets to put the synchronized hand motions that I’m sure he perfected in his a cappella group to use for an audience beyond the arch sing.

Wow. I agree with almost ALL of your statements…but I think the falsetto came from him trying to deflect some mating call from Kara “Shit For Brains” DioGuardi. Quatto only does good. And I kept hearing how bad Megan’s Tears Dry On Their Own was, but it definitely was not bad. I like her voice. I think, if she keeps working at it, she could have a career. Plus, she’s absolutely gorgeous.

Act II: La Princesa’s a rock star. A real, true, fan-in-the-hair, black leather rock star. That’s all there is to say. Fingers crossed that her label doesn’t make her into a Disney “rock star,” and lets her be hard core, manic energy, spazzy and awesome. Gokey’s a good singer, but gives you no sense of who he is as an artist. And it’s hard to salsa dance by yourself without looking like an idiot – the solos on SYTYCD have shown us the truth of this statement, and those people are actually GOOD salsa dancers. His little sermon about not letting yourself be defined by tragedy is less offensive than one might expect, but he gives me no reason to seek out his music in the future. Adam’s a riot. His voice is spectacular and flexible. (Also flexible: his torso/hips. That boy can body roll and pelvic thrust like a true champion, and it is hilarious (albeit deafening) to hear the audience devolve into shrieking fits during his “racier” moments.) “Whole Lotta Love” is rock-god (TM Kara) awesome; “Starlight” is being performed in a totally different key from the beginning of the tour (because Adam’s spectacular and flexible voice is getting shot to hell…), but sounds equally great both ways; “Mad World” is beautifully eerie, and it’s amusing to watch every single LCD screen in the audience light up to tape it (although really people? Isn’t it more fun to watch with your eyes than through your camera?); “Slow Ride” features the return of La Rock Star del Mariachi, and how can you go wrong with that; and the Bowie medley is kind of like the Crazy Adam Lambert Variety Show, but in a good way.

Love love love La Princesa del Mariachi. She is a SUPERSTAR. So did Gokey go into the whole PREACHER VOICE thing, though? Because I was not expecting that sort of thing, not the full-on-I’m-at-the-pulpit sort of thing, I was just expecting inspirational speech. I thought Pastor Rolex was going to come around the corner with a tithing envelope with a place for the credit card number. Hell, Pastor Rolex even takes DISCOVER.

Love for HBD: Seriously, he is so good, and so satisfying to watch/listen to. He’s totally connected to the music, and it really draws the audience in. “Heartless” is much rock-ier than the solo acoustic version from Top 3 night, but it maintains that phrasing and emotional investment and delicate touch. HBD knows when to hold back and when to attack, and it gives his music interesting and attractive dynamics. Watching HBD rock out on electric guitar (“All These Things That I’ve Done”), piano (“Ain’t No Sunshine”) or both (“Bright Lights”) is deeply pleasurable – he loves what he’s doing so much. And “Hey Jude” is just great – I hope he does a different Beatles song in concert each time he tours. Cannot wait for a solo tour. Assuming, that is, that his album doesn’t suck – but I do think he’s got as good a chance as any, and better than most, of making an enjoyable album, even while under the thumb of 19/AI. Fingers crossed!

Final thoughts: “Don’t Stop Believin” is apparently the theme song of the year, and it’s a perfect ending to the tour – fun, karaoke, shows off their voices, everything you want from AI (although there could be more cheesy choreography – I love cheesy choreography). When leaving the stadium, my friend and I inadvertently discovered the “bus stalking” area, and after fortifying ourselves with liquor, wandered back to check out the insanity. Sadly, it wasn’t that insane after all. There were lots of small children chanting “We want Adam!” (note to parents: why are you letting your small children stand around chanting “we want Adam” at 11:30pm? Isn’t that past bedtime? On a weeknight, too!), and HBD was signing autographs. Clearly, it was the thrill of the evening to crane my neck to catch a glimpse of him over the crowd. (One has to crane to see HBD – he’s rather wee.) I desperately wanted to trample the tweens, push my way to the front, and get him to sign my (plaid) bra, but somehow, I restrained myself. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Wise words from a wise woman.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

Carlisle, you rock. And if you’re going to Bridgeport, let me know. I may be attending that show with some NY friends who are also in the blogging racket. (Is blogging a racket? Perhaps. No clue. It’s after 3am and I’m watching The Handmaid’s Tale. Poor Natasha Richardson. That’s still sad. Never saw this movie, just read the book. Used to it could maybe happen when Bush was President. Oh, hell, it was 2004. Things looked bleak.)

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I took one for the team last night and went to the American Idol show at the Boston Garden.

It only cost me $30, which was good, but I did need to have a few of those overpriced beers served in Dixie cups to get me through the show. Not that it was the most terrible thing I’ve ever seen, it just…I was at an American Idol show.

Sadly there was no dancing Pop Tart. (Pop Tards, though…) But I did laugh my ass off at the STELLAR background graphics. Those are one thing you don’t read too much about in the individual recaps of the shows, and I’m going to change that. The background graphics…well…WOW. They gave Megan Joy a Literal Music Video and poor Anoop was stuck with “rain”, causing people to get up and go to the bathroom. And then Danny Gokey was shadowed by a SUNSET and then SUN STREAMING THROUGH THE TREES and okay, I need to stop now…

I also played around on the Twitter throughout the show. It was actually kind of fun, although the awesome MJ had to endure all sorts of crap for dining with me before the show, mainly because some Adam Lambert fans freak out over stupid crap with predictable regularity. I guess Idletard and I are homophobes? Yeah. Homophobes and haters.

Pretty ridiculous. I don’t expect everyone to read what I write on this blog, but I do expect people to refrain from making insane allegations just because I voice my opinions regarding Adam Lambert AND the behavior of Adam Lambert fans. Yes, I think a lot of Adam Lambert fans are asshats for throwing shit on stage and engaging in overall buffoonery. No, I do not think Adam Lambert is the second coming of Elvis. I don’t think Adam Lambert can fly or shit unicorns. I’ve never said the guy wasn’t talented or that I didn’t like him. I just do not believe him to be a deity…which obviously means I am a homophobe.

I must say, the morning after? Just thinking about a supposed Idol Twitter Scandal of the Boston Show is making me laugh my ass off. What has this world come to, anyway?

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Emma went to the recent show and I MUST give her credit. Not only is her recap pretty damn funny, she also sent me photos of herself with a fake Lambert-esque tattoo…

AND the tard signage they brought to the show!

Ok. It’s now time to read Emma’s recap. Some of the finest moments are in BOLD.

I went to the American Idol Tour!! It was freaking amazing!!!! Everyone was oodles and oodles better than on TV. Let us start with my group. I went with my mom, my friend, her sister, and her mom. We sat in the nosebleed section, but with my dad’s expensive binoculars, I could see even a pimple on an Idol’s face. Then in back of us, was the most crazed Adam Lambert fan I have ever encountered. She regards him as her own son. Need I say more?

Ed. note: Sadly, even with Emma’s father’s binoculars, there was no QUATTO to be seen anywhere!

Ok so I am a really big Adam fan so before the show, my friend and I made a gorgeous Adam Lambert poster to bring to the show. As far as posters go, I’d say it kicked some ass. All us kids got T-shirts that cost $35 each.  Mine says Adam Lambert on it and it is pretty awesome. Oh by the way, I’m fourteen, I forgot to mention that before. Now, everyone sang 2 or 3 songs, and then the finalists sang more.  There were also some duets which I will talk about later.  Ok so not to bore you any longer, let’s start with the first singer Michael Sarver.

Ed. note: Emma is 14. Tard signs and fake tattoos (And hello? She draws A LOT better than I ever could at any age.) are perfectly acceptable for a 14-year-old girl.

Michael Sarver
I thought this guy could really sing!! He started off the show as the 10th contestant and really pumped us up. He sang about 2 songs, or maybe three, and was much much better than he was on TV. He could even kinda dance! He is much skinnier in person. He seems like a pretty nice dude.  Not sleazy like a ceratain Idol *cough* Gokey *cough*, and he actually had a good voice unlike a certain Idol, *cough* Gokey*cough*. I think he should have made it farther into the competition. I can’t remeber what exactly it was that he sang, but it was good.

Megan Joy
I always hated Megan and her cawing. This time I didn’t really hate her that much. The lady in back of me called her a whore. And I mean the way she was dressed, yeah she kind of was a whore.  She had a really short pink dress on with gold gladiator shoes. She danced and sung around the stage with a nasally voice, but i was just so excieted to be there in the same room as these famous people that I didn’t really care.  I can’t remember what she sang either, but it was ok.

Ed. note: Was this the same woman who also regards Lambert as her son? Not very nice for her to be calling Megan Joy a whore. And I must say, Megan Joy can pull off short dresses and she’s what? 23? So…live it up, cawing goddess, live it up!

Scott McIntyre
This guy was amazing!!!!!!!!!!! I never really liked Scott that much either, but i thought he was fantastico!  He even made Blind Jokes!! He sat at his piano the whole time but I mean, it was really good. Once again, i still can’t remember what these guys sang, but I do remember that after his first song, he got up and started making jokes about how he was blind and when people go to fist pump him he doesn’t know what the heck is going on. He was so inspirational and sang his little heart out.  Claps for Scott!

Lil Rounds
Lil Rounds. Hmm. I always thought she had talent, but not this time. She sang Single Ladies, and let me tell you, Joe Jonas did a better job. And he didn’t even sing. Lil was wayyy off and screamed too much. She made her songs painful instead of enjoyable. Her dancing was quite iffy, and let’s just say that many things were “jiggling.” The rear view from the binoculars was ridiculous.  Not to make fun of her for her butt or anything, but Holy Tushie!  That was one thing that I wish I would have gone without seeing. Her outfit was hideous, although very sparkley.  It looked like some 7 year old designed it.  Then all of a sudden she rips off her jacket and reveals a tight black tank top.  Let’s stop here.  I don’t want to relive this moment.

Anoop Desai
Anoop was cool. He had purple shoes, so i had to like him. He did his thing, he sang My Perogative or however you spell that, and he did a good job.  It was a little boring at times, but i think that’s only because I was so anxious to see Adam. Anoop’s dancing has improved so much since Idol. During his little halfway point he talked about who know’s what and then went back to singing. I decided that I kind of liked Anoop, but was dissapointed that he didn’t sing Jai Ho or something. I just love that song.

Matt Giraud
Woot woot! I adore Matt. Unfortunately, Quatto is officially gone. I looked. There is no more Quatto The Mole. Let’s take a moment of silence. Ok, now Matt sang You Found Me by The Fray and played piano and guitar during his performances. He wore his hat thing and danced around. I thought he, too, did an excellent job. Everyone’s voices have improved so much!  I just could NOT get over that these people were just right there in front of my eyes! There was Matt, Quatto-less and dancing around!

Right about here there was a little group number with everyone previously listed.  Megan did well, as did Matt and Anoop. Matt and Scott did a little piano number on a double keyboard thing. It was good-ish.

Then came a 20 minute intermission.

Allison Iraheta
Allison was the bomb. She had purple streaks at the bottom of her hair and awesome black boots and she just rocked it. She sang “Cry Baby” and “So What” and much more. Her dancing was great and her singing was better than ever. At this point I knew that Adam was so completely close I couldn’t stand it. Anyway back to Allison. During her little speech she just asked us if we were excited for the three guys coming up and of course there were a trillion screams for Adam.  Then she sang once more.

Oh I forget to mention the smoke.  There was so much smoke and fog in that place (Nassau Colleseum) that i could not get any decent pictures.

Danny Gokey
Snarl. I dislike Danny Gokey. He came out in a suit with a red shirt underneath and sang his stupid songs, which included “What Hurts the Most,” and others that I don’t remember. Then he talked about his dead wife and stated “Now I don’t want to make this about me,” and i was like “bullshit! are you kidding me?!?” Then he went on about the fricken president of america saying inspirational things like don’t let bad things get in your way and bring you down blah blah blah. I couldn’t take it. Then he took off his jacket and started to cha-cha and pole dance with the mic stand. Ewies! Did I mention that I could SEE his chest hair? *gag*

Ed. note: Once again, Emma illustrates how ultra-powerful binoculars are not always a good thing.

ADAM LAMBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam came out in a cloud of smoke and just was a complete god. He wore this incredible jacket and reminded us all of how good he was. He was just amazing. I was so excited to see him live and in person! He sang “Mad World” some Muse song, “Whole Lotta Love” and much more. His dancing was incredible. At one point, someone threw some underwear up there on the stage, and he picked it up and twirled it around and danced with it. I don’t think I have ever seen anyhting so hilarious. It was great. THEN! He whipped off his jacket and revealed himself in a black tank top and danced in a way that was not rated PG. It was spectacular. Adam made everyone else look so crappy. I don’t know how he didn’t win. I just don’t get it.

Kris Freakin Allen
Grrrrr. I like Kris. I really do. But how did he beat Adam? How I ask you!? He played his guitar and piano and sang “Ain’t no sunshine when shes gone” and “Heartless” and whatever else. He was good, but not good like Adam. Or Allison. Or even Matt for that matter! He wore a plaid button-down shirt and jeans and sneakers. He hit a high note at the end of one of his songs that was probably toward the lower end of Adam’s spectrum.  That’s all I have to say about Mr. Allen.

Ed note: It’s okay, Emma, I still like you even though you kind of dissed Hot By Default. But just think to yourself, would Adam Lambert be okay with you dissing HBD? Hee hee hee.

Then there were more group numbers. They sang “Don’t Stop Believin” and something else. There were some Kradam moments I observed through my binoculars. I was so sad at this point because the concert was almost over and I would never see any of them in person ever again. It was so sad.

In conclusion, Adam Lambert is the best thing that ever happened to American Idol and really rocked that tour. Woottttttt wooooottt!!!

Thanks again for your recap, Emma, and don’t be sad. I’m sure you will see all of them again one day.

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KILLER!!! AND she basically confirmed the rumored Casper-Giraud (RIP QUATTO) hookup, as well as the fact Casper is a bitter wench. She also got to see the awesome Charles Browder, aka HBD’s BFF and kind of knows those shirtless cheerleader dudes.

I live in MS, and I am 28 yrs old.  During the show I liked Kradison, and I really really really don’t like Danny.   The people I went to the show with liked Kradison, except for my friends mom, who likes Danny (her prev Idol favs include Clay and Archie).

When we got to the Fed Ex forum, one of the first people we ran into is Alexis Grace.  She was headed up the elevator to the suites and stopped to take pics with a gaggle of girls.  She was even tinier than I expected.  She also lost the pink crap out of her hair(hallelujah).  My friend who lives in Memphis says that Alexis has been on a morning show since she got kicked off Idol.  The radio station was running a contest to sit in a suite with her during the show.  We were surprised to see her coming down to the floor and take seats in the row in front of us during Sarver’s set(at least something noteworthy happened during Sarver’s set).  She stayed there for the rest of the show, which was weird because we thought she was going to be in a suite with the contest winners.  I would say they were lucky, because she had a total bitch-face going on everytime I saw her.  Sure, she posed for a few pics during intermission, but I don’t recall her smiling or seeming excited-she should be so lucky that people want to take a pic with her.  Maybe she misses Quatto.  Alexis did get a shout out during the first half group number, I believe with Matt saying something like “We love you Alexis Grace.” All I have to say is, Alexis=bitter and it showed.

[Attached are the pics I got of Alexis on the floor.  You can see Sarver on stage in one of the photos]

The next odd thing we saw was during intermission.  My cousin noticed that people were stopping this random guy to take pics on the stairs leading down to the floor.  We realize when he gets down to the floor that is Kris’ brother.  He is also sitting on the row in front of us.   I wonder, do other Idol siblings get this?  I could understand Scott’s seeing-eye-brother since he kinda has to be there…Why would you want a pic with an Idol relative?  To his credit, he seemed pretty cool about it(cooler than Alexis Grace).  Then Kris’ bro and his entourage moved directly in front of us, just hanging out.  He has some very hot guys with him, so we oogled for the rest of intermission.  Turns out, the group of guys is from the pic you posted of Adam + shirtless cheerleaders.  And if anyone is interested, I used to work with Katy Allen’s cousin by marriage, so if anyone wants a pic with him, I can totally hook ya’ll up.

Speaking of Katy, she came out to the floor during Kris’ set.  It wasnt hard to miss her long blonde hair.  She is also tinier than I thought she would be, which then made me realize how truly tiny Kris is!  She came and hung out next to this big ol’dude who was losing it for Kris anbout 3 rows in front of us.  He was essentially trying to do a headbanging of sorts in the isle.  We spent a lot of time laughing at him.

Sitting directly in front of us were a group of 15 yr olds we I thought might faint when Adam came on stage.   They screamed for him everythime his picture came up prior to the show…they even screamed if they saw his hair, eyes, or mouth when they replayed that Ford commercial where they mis-matched everyone’s face.  Adam by far got the best reception.  I am also proud to say that people didn’t seem to like Danny as much as I thought they would.  I did not see anyone doing hand hearts (thank God because I might have gotten violent).  Also, no one threw Adam any bras on stage.  Memphis was pretty chill, but I expected that.

During intermission, I did manage to see a few freaks in home made Adam shirts.  There was one older lady, I couldnt get all of her shirt, but it said GLAM IS THE NEW BLACK.  She is the one in the photo with the black girl in her own Adam shirt.  Then there were the girls a few rows in front of us with Adam shirts that were better than the creepy one AI sells for $35 bucks.  When we were leaving, I spotted the lone Matt fan, this huge girl in a fedora.  I was so sad that I didn’t get a pic of her…but the gods were smiling down on me, and she and her friend happened to be sitting in front of us and I got a pic of sad fedora girl from behind.

If you have any questions about anything, let me know.  I am attaching pics, and linking to all of the photos I took.  I actually had a lot from the begining of the show, but they all turned out bad, so I deleted them.  I think some of the Adam ones are pretty hilarious though!  And I am attaching the douchebag Danny “worship me” pose haha!

Here are some of my absolute FAVORITE shots from Stark Vegas. She’s a good photographer, isn’t she?

Blind Guy is wearing a fedora. They say its for the dueling piano act between him and Matt Giraud, however, I know a black fedora is akin to wearing a black armband. RIP QUATTO THE MOLE!!! (And I didn’t post any of Giraud because he killed Quatto!!!)

Anoop is wearing hipster glasses for one of his songs?

I can kind of feel the love between Anoop and Tattooed Mormon Joy, can’t you? She is so beautiful. This scene almost melted my icy little heart.

Adam Lambert! Adam Lambert! She had a good many of these but I think these two were definite standouts…although I’m sure I could find others. Of course, I would probably then be forced to endure Glambert wrath for the rest of the week and frankly…

And here is some Gokey…on his pulpit…

OMG I CAN SOOOOOO FEEL THE GODLY LOVE RIGHT NOW!!!!

LA PRINCESA DEL MARIACHI!!!

Oh, yes…I almost forgot about that nitwit Alexis Grace. Yawn.

And let’s throw in one of Kris Allen to finish things up, shall we? After all, the kid won the damn thing.

Everyone give StarkVegas a big round of applause! Her and D.B. Cooper have my eternal accolades and gratitude, as they should YOURS. You, too, can have such wonderful praise if you send me a big fat recap.

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Without further ado, here is D.B. Cooper’s recap. It’s pretty funny, and he even brought over a few photos, tales of faux hawks and ZOMG RUDE ADAM LAMBERT FANS!!!!

So we enter The Arena at Gwinnett Center and what immediately strikes me is that I am in a sea of white people. Old white people, young white people, middle aged white people, and real young white people. White persons. A lot of squares, daddy-o. People that own SUVs because they need the room to fit all their kids.

We take our (not very good) seats at the back of the floor just in time for the start of tenth place finisher Michael Sarver’s set. Sarver does two songs I don’t know. He is an absolute black hole of charisma. I don’t think he was ever supposed to make the top 10 (he took the spot slated for Casper) and it just goes to once again prove America’s love of bland crap. I definitely could have showed late instead of seeing this.

Megan Joy (Corkrey-Sobecki-Engle-Vladowski) is dressed as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator. She starts out pretty well, that Corrine Bailey Rae song actually fits her voice as close to perfectly as possible. Afterwards she sings another song and it blows, her voice is screechy and sharp.

Scott McIntyre is blind. Hand to God, it’s the truth. He breaks the streak, however, of blind singers who kick ass. He is inferior to Ray, Stevie, Jeff Healey, all those great blind blues singers whose first name is Blind, and Blind Melon Chitlin of Cheech & Chong fame.

Leel Rounds is the first singer in this bunch who actually has a distinctive, halfway interesting voice. She’s completely karaoke and unoriginal, yet she’s good in that little niche she has. She sings Mary J. well, she sings Alicia Keys well, she sings that horribly annoying Beyonce song as well as can be expected. She looks hot. She’s all right. And that’s a good thing.

Anoop Desai is a human sedative.

Matt Giraud, sporting a faux-hawk (in a feeble attempt to make up for Quato’s absence?), comes out and does Otis Redding’s Hard To Handle, and I don’t know what possessed him to sing this song in public. He cannot pull it off, he doesn’t touch Otis’ or even the Grateful Dead or Black Crowes’ version. The cool thing is that, surely channeling the dear, departed Quatto, he makes up for it with the rest of his set. His Georgia On My Mind is, thankfully, not reminiscent of Ray Charles’ version. All his little falsetto runs actually work on the big stage where they didn’t on Idol. You Found Me is a great showcase for the type of song Giraud could pull off in a post-Idol career. Very impressive.

Fodder medley: Michael Sarver should not sing Elvis songs.

After a twenty minute break (for the Idol faithful to beer up), OH MY GOD IT’S ALLISON. She, without doubt, tears up the stage the way NO other contestant on this shit show has ever done. No bullshit. That voice is gorgeous, powerful, dark, and distinctive. We start with Pink’s So What and Allison makes this song her bitch and rapes it, Oz style. Then Cry Baby and you already know what it is. For the coup de grâce she annihilates every single living thing in the building with a blistering Barracuda. Anne Wilson is a goddess, so is Allison. Barracuda is now a Heart/Iraheta song. The world will soon know that Allison Iraheta is a superstar. </tard>

I freely acknowledge that Gokey is a douche, and maybe (definitely) the double whammy of 24 ounces of crappy light beer to the head and Allison Iraheta just threw me for a serious loop, but I love Danny Gokey’s set. PYT is so much fun and Danny sounds great on it. The same goes for Maria, Maria. And What Hurts the Most, wow, so much emotion, if I brought a lighter I would wave it in the air (a cell phone is not the same). The last song, also by Rascal Flatts, is anticlimactic, plus I call bullshit that Gokey gets four songs and Allison only gets three and a half.

Have I told you guys about all the Lambertfrau in the building? They are representing and they are total douchers. The whole row in front of me is filled with them (plus one miserable husband) and I’m not even gonna give a physical description because a) it isn’t about that and b) they do not break the stereotype. Every time Adam’s face appears on screen they shriek, every time Kris’s appears they boo. These boos have character and meaning and are imbued with self-righteous indignation and pure hatred. These are “the South will rise again” boos. When Adam takes the stage the screaming in the whole building is deafening, so much so that it actually drowns out his powerhouse vocals on Whole Lotta Love. Apparently actually hearing the singer you love is secondary to freaking the fuck out and screaming like a teeny bopper at a Beatles concert. Starlight (which I think is also the title of a vampire movie) by Muse is a’ight, nothing spectacular. Either fatigue has set in for the Lambertfrau or they realize that this song is just so-so (I’m betting on fatigue) because they aren’t screaming as loudly. For me (for you) Mad World loses a little of its power every time he sings it, the joy and surprise are gone. Then, all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, nah it’s super-rocker. Iraheta is back bitches and killin it for old times sake with her homeboy Adam! He ends with an anticlimactic Bowie medley. I love Life On Mars. Adam has all the talent in the world, he does everything right, he’s a natural performer, and, obviously, extremely good looking. Yet something is missing. That spark of character in his voice. I question his anointed one status, maybe I’ll be wrong. But he’ll definitely need more than the frauen to pull him through, ask Clay Aiken. Also, six words ladies: Adam Lambert will never fuck you.

Kris comes out, the Lambertfrau are unenthusiastic, I am enthusiastic. He does a great version of Heartless to start his set and the Lambertfrau in front of me leave with the quickness when he finishes. Ain’t No Sunshine is a light shining between a couple drab and dreary covers of The Killers and Matchbox 20. He closes with Hey Jude and everybody comes on stage for the climax. They should end the show there but then they sing Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, which is a mess.

Great concert. I gots to drive home.

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