So open up Adobe CS4 or get your watercolors from the attic. Channel your inner tardist. I want to see your ORIGINAL American Idol tard art.

Send me your entries, and I will post them right here with your name. At the end, we can vote on them. I’m not sure what you will win yet, but you will win something. Actually, I just thought about it and yes, I have selected a very special grand prize.

Blingees are also acceptable, although even if you are completely lacking in talent, that does have the potential to only HELP you in this competition. All I care about is the creative expression. Remember — this is a free for all! Photos! Videos! PowerPoint! Blingee! Pencil & Paper! You have the creative freedom to express yourself in any way you know how.

Get your entries in. You have until one week from today — June 18 at MIDNIGHT EST. Voting will then commence the following day and the ballot will be open for three days.

1. Deez
TARDSTINE CHAPEL

This is the first entry and well, I must say, its gonna be a very tough act to follow. Deez may have to commission these as t-shirts. My mouth is agape right now.

2. Nerdgirl
THE TRUTH UNTRUNK-ATED

I wish I could could think of a better title for this, alas. But it is ADORABLE. LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Nerdgirl, this is EPIC SQUEE.

3. Nerdgirl
2 HEP CATS & THE ODD KITTY OUT

Nerdgirl is having so much fun on PowerPoint, she decided to imagine what American Idol Season 8 would have been if the contestants were feline. Come to think of it, I bet Paula saw cats on stage every night. (Side note, I grew up with a black cat almost just like “Adam!” And “Kris” is clearly a Maine Coon. You know who else is a Maine Coon? OSKAR! Meanwhile, Tabby Danny is making heart paws at the mail carrier.)

4. Burgundy LaRue
THE BEAUTIFUL DOCTRINE

Vadlimir Nabokov believed writing was the only true art. Vlad must have known Burgundy LaRue. In fact, I bet Burgundy was the inspiration for one Lolita Haze. Since this may be one of the best all-time favorite contributions to Top Idol, I felt it needed exposure to a larger audience.

Why is your monster a green stop sign? Why does your facial expression suggest that you’re surprised by this? Are you in the middle of an identity crisis? Are you looking for a helping hand? You’ve come to the right place.

We at Top Idol are here to help you receive the proper care you need. We specialize in dealing with Transformative Adolescent Regression Disorder, better known as TARD. It’s where seemingly normal adults revert to acting like 12-year-olds and using the adult equivalent of I’M TELLING MY MOM!–which is I’M CALLING MY FRIEND/BROTHER/IMAGINARY MONKEY IN MY CLOSET WHO IS A LAWLER FOR THE F-BEE-I!

TARD treatment can be a painful process, depending on how far gone you are. If you merely buy useless magazines for a two-sentence snippet of your favorite Idol that’s buried in the classifieds alongside at-home stuffing envelope businesses and penis enlargement pumps, then the process should will merely be gentle chiding.

But if you find yourself dressing like your favorite Idol, buying 200 copies of their CD, spending you life savings to move to the US just to be closer to your supposed one true Idol love, or having written a Old English Dictionary-length book that covers a chicken-scented scandal that robbed your Idol of their rightful title, then the process will include Fostering Regenerative Assessment Unification, also known as FRAU. This 17-week therapy will include internet psychoanyalsis, merciless mocking, and name calling. I’ll be honest–it won’t be pretty. But if you stay the course, I assure you that the reward will greatly outweigh the pain.

We at Top Idol are licensed by the board-approved Oskar. He is always there if needed and can answer all questions.

Please be sure to take one of our informative pamphlets to learn more about TARD and FRAU’s positive effects. Top Idol is here to help you this difficult time. Please join us.

4. OhNoNotStarr / Starr
OMG THEY KILLED KRIS ALLEN YOU BASTARDS

Kristard Starr talks in complete sentences and can hold normal conversations — even when posting on her Kris Allen fansite Fourteen Plums. I assume the only reason she gave Kris Allen hair like Justin “The Moppet of Beelzebub” Bieber’s is because that was the closest option when creating your own South Park character. Starr is good people, and she also subscribes to my belief that creating a South Park character is the quickest way to artistic enlightenment.

5. CB
FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT

CB embodied the soul of every true tard in her tribute to the great Adam Lambert. She made a Blingee!

6. Nerdgirl
NERDGIRL LOVES POWERPOINT AND SINGING DOLPHINS

Nerdgirl is having way too much fun making tard art on PowerPoint. Here she sums up everything that goes on during the American Idol Tour.

7. Kate123
FORBIDDEN LOVE

Kate123 shows true artistic talent with her inspired imagining of Kradam’s typical romantical evening.

8. Kate123
THE LAST IDOL

Kate123′s The Last Idol is a religious experience of symbolism and metaphor. Kate123 has even clued us in to some of the secrets held within this great work — Rumour has it that by drawing a five line musical staff across the painting, the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

9. Anonymous (aka Deez)
KOLSCH & KOLSCH ATTORNEYS AT LAW

Deez can also find work as a commercial artist. Perhaps she should move to Florida and specialize in designing promotional materials for crusading law firms. Her first client? Kolsch & Kolsch, of course!

10. JaneRochester
ODE TO AN AMERICAN IDOL

JaneRochester proves she is quite the poet.

“Ode on an American Idol” (with massive apologies to John Keats)

Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour,
Thou foster child of Freddie and Stardust,
Zodiacal chanteur, who canst thus express
A sparkling tale more gaily than your song:
What glitter-tinged aureole glows about thy head
Of fairies or fellows, or of both,
In L.A. or the dales of Knoxville, Tenn?
What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
The elephant is truth, truth elephant,–that is all
We know on earth, and all we need to know.

*No homophobia was intended in the making of this art.

11. Hyde
TEH EVUL EMPIRE

Hyde captures the heart of TopIdol (and our Patron Saint Kerry Kolsch).

12. Maturin
THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER

Maturin loves the Jesus imagery. She also loves it when David Archuleta shows up with pizza.

13. CC
GLAMOPOCALYSE — THE PLAID MENACE

CC has designed the poster to the next huge international blockbuster, which will likely be the worst film of the trilogy.

14. Saskin
THE BIGGEST STAHS EVER

Saskin just made my morning. This is the first of her two monumental entries. She gets bonus points for creating the first entries featuring Syphilis Idol Constantine Maroulis. This design will likely become somewhat famous, as it is destined to be used on MTA buses to advertise an eventual Broadway show.

15. SnapCracklyPop
KRIM IS REAL

SnapCracklyPop only tards over Kris Allen…and our good friend, Jim Cantiello.

16. Nerdgirl
ETERNAL GLAMNATION

Nerdgirl just can’t stop with the PowerPoint, but who am I to tell her to quit? She’s on a roll!

17. Saskin
EVOLUTION OF IDOLMAN

Saskin brilliantly depicts the evolution of American Idol. Who else wants to see what she could do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest?

18. Deez
THE GLAMSCREAM

Deez reworks Edward Munch’s The Scream into something more GLAMORIZING.

19. 8SourCandy
GLAMBERT’S TRAVELS

The foremost book-cover artist of TopIdol updates the Jonathan Swift classic for a contemporary audience! This time, Lilliput is inhabited by tiny MONSTERS led by a king named…Oskar!

20. Gelid
BLINGEEING UP GLAMBABY

Every budding/would-be international superstah needs a healthy diet of cash, bright lights, bling and booze.

21. Kate123
FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA ON THE WALL FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA TAKE ONE DOWN…

I have no idea why, but Kate123′s Fifty Pills poster reminds me of that shit movie, 27 Dresses. Or Seven Pounds. Or the one about the grams you lose when you die.

21. CC
I ATE HIS GLAMLIVER WITH SOME PLAIDFAVA BEANS

Movie night continues with CC’s favorite double feature.

22. 8SourCandy
MY TARD SIGN WILL BEAT UP YOUR TARD SIGN

Admitted Adam Lambert-tard 8SourCandy makes a poignant and honest statement about the prevailing tard mentality. It’s not puppies and flowers! It’s a competition. And it’s a fight to the finish! With glamviolence!

23. Jukejoint
TARDING IN 5 AND
7 SYLLABLES FOR LIFE
I AM THE TARDRUS

Our Jukejoint finally enters the competition by flexing her haiku talent. She will sell these to any tard who needs one. They’re versatile — and she even accounts for those who cannot say everything they want to in this compact, Ancient Japanese artform.

TARD HAIKUS 4 U

The best singer is
The one who I like the best
The others are crap

I don’t care who won
Your Idol sucks anyway
Winners are losers

I love [Idol Name]
So much, so big, so deeply
That it will never, ever fit in five f^cking syllables so F^CK OFF, jellus h8ers, and leave [Idol Name] alone from your jellus homephobic h8erade!!!! And he’s not fat, either!!!!!!

24. Kate123
THE GAWDRAWKER (AKA AN GLAMOFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE)

Damn the hater who calls him Fredo. And suffer will those who betray The Glamily!

25. TwistOfLime
why must itself up every of a tard

Clearly Twist is ol’ ee reincarnated.

anyone lived in a small southern town
with up so many idol phones down
Randy Simon Paula Kara
he sang his chicken he danced his votes

Women and men (in other states)
cared for anyone with something like hate
they sowed their tard-dom they reaped their same
rock star glamour fame

some fans guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as anyone’s popularity grew
Paula Kara Randy Simon
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and feather by plume
he lent his nailpolish he shared his room
bird by glitter and stir by still
anyone’s  guitar was all to him

One day anyone won i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his head)
non-busy folk wrote page by page
vote by vote and search by search

plot by plot and cheat by cheat
a grand conspiracy earned the feat
noone and anyone earth by injustice
wish by fraud and if by go-phone.

26. Soda Grape
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HELIOTROPE

Heliotrope is a legendary Idol fantard. Heliotrope loved David Cook more than anything…until she laid her eyes upon Danny Gokey. And Heliotrope’s love for Gokey was impenetrable…until she discovered the perfect hybrid! His name is Lee DeWyze. Wonder who Heliotrope will tard over next season. Thankfully, she is not a card-carrying member of the Ellen James Society, so I suspect we will hear much from her for years and years to come.

27. Mithra
REVERIE IN HELIOTROPE

Wow. Heliotrope is VERY popular, isn’t she?

28. Mithra
WHAT SHE SEES

Mithra shows us what Kerry Kolsch sees every time she closes her eyes.

29. Pandora
TARD WORLD THE GARY JULES VERSION

Pandora had me at copy/pasting, copy/pasting.

To the tune of Mad World…

All around me are familiar blowhards
Worn out keyboards, scary fanboards
Bright and early for their daily postings
Copy/pasting, copy/pasting
Now their rage is spreading too
No dissension, no dissension
Run away I want to run away
No more MJs, no more MJs
And I find it rather skary
I find it rather sad
The dreams of Adam Lambert
Are the only ones they have
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World
Fantards waiting for their god to notice them
Happy Glamday, Happy Glamday
Bought the gloves and pleather too
Like Krazy Kerry and Tiger92
Went online and they threatened me
Homephobic, homephobic
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World

30. Teevho
GLAMBERT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Teevho brings her A-game AND pushes the boundaries of mixed media just like the guy bleeding from his eye in her picture.

31. CB
JEALOUS FUSILLI

CB loves two things in life. Pasta and Casey James.

32. Deez
OUR LADY LUNACY

Deez admits this was a quick ‘n’ dirty Photoshop job, but it doesn’t take away the beauty of Kerry Kolsch finally being properly honored for her noble crusade — truth, justice and a world without cheese dip.

33. SongKat7
FINDING ANDREW RIDGELEY

Take me glam-dancing tonight. Jitterbulge.

34. Old Bat
CASEY DI MILO IN THE GARDEN OF TARDOM

Biblical utopia included grits & slaw.

35. Nerdgirl
ALRIGHT WITH MOOOOOOO

Nerdgirl is becoming quite skilled at manipulating PowerPoint ClipArt. And why the hell not celebrate a great cause?

36. Soda Grape
TRUE LOVE WON’T WAIT

Why should true love wait when there’s cake?

37. Paulie
HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

Paulie went into full-on tard mode to write this little ditty about Kris Allen set to the Donna Summer classic.

Saw him there on the Idol stage
And I wondered who he is
Cos it’s strange to me
That I haven’t heard him sing a thing

Nine PM on the hour hand
And he’s singing MJ’s song
And he’s sounding real pretty
As he poured out his heart and soul

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Twenty-eight eps have come and gone
And I’ve seen a lot of tears
Of the ones voted out
Yet Kris is still standing there

It’s a sacrifice singing day to day
For lukewarm comments, judges seem to pay
But it’s worth it all
Just to hear him sing the night away

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Already knows
He’s seen his bad times
After winning Idol
These are the good times

Never sold out
He never did
Even with “No Boundaries”
He worked hard…

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Spread the word. Do it.

@ImMattGiraud what state are you in these days?

Quatto Host/Killer Matty G Tweets her back…

@lindsaylohan I’m in MI right now but just got back from San Fran, NY, and LA. Tiiiiiired..

If only Matt hadn’t gotten rid of Quatto the Mole. Quatto could have solved all of Lohan’s problems. Quatto the Mole is like Dr. Drew but better. Quatto the Mole would become custodian of Ms. Lohan and within 2 years, she would have a Robert Downey Jr.-like comeback and win an Oscar. All without having to give up the sweet nectar. Because when you think about it, why would you want to be a problem drinker? Then you would have to give up drinking. And that would suck. Don’t be a Lohan. Plus, licking Quatto the Mole still gets you shitfaced without tripping a SCRAM bracelet. Quatto the Mole is all powerful. Just remember that. Whenever you need to pray, pray to Quatto the Mole. He got burned off for your sins.

Spread the word. Do it.

All those years toiling away in a piano bar is why this guy knows how to engage his audience and get the crowd going. It’s a shame we never got to see more of this on Idol, but perhaps it does lend credence as to why the judges wanted him to go far in the competition. If given the right opportunity, this guy could totally go places.

Last week, Giraud performed (sans Quatto — BOO!) at the Irving S. Gilmore Keyboard Festival in his home state of Michigan and did a pretty cool mashup of a few of the biggest pop hits of the past year. Oh yes. Quatto Host did a sweet medley of Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus and Jay-Z/Alicia Keys. (Thanks to MJ for posting the video.) It’s actually kind of sick, so you definitely need to watch it.

Spread the word. Do it.

I don’t know about you but I prefer a little Hamm with my Buble! (And this is exactly what he looked like when he found out the Idol autotuned vocal tracks would be set on high for a tonight’s rendition of his latest single.)

Tonight will be one of my final posts before getting up before sunrise and hoping on an aeroplane to Austin and this year’s SXSW! Obviously, I should have booked my flight for today because Luke Wilson got screwed out of a rental car! However, I am quite happy with waiting until tomorrow because tonight, tonight is the night where I am reunited with my beloved via the magic of television!

That’s right, kiddies! Tonight, Season 8 contestants Matt Giraud and Scott MacIntyre will be performing some tandem piano bit. Oh, how I hope Quatto the Mole makes an appearance…somewhere other than my dreams. I’ve been longing to see that handsome non-cancerous blemish for sooooo very very long.

After the typically dramatic intro package filled with tears, insecurity, and chyron block fonts with an assertiveness even Dick Wolf would envy!

The male contestants with the most memorable [non-overly blown-out] hair — aka Casey James and Alex Lambert — kick things off. They are followed by Andrew Garcia and Todrick Hall, two gimicky males who may have worn out their welcome this week…and then out comes judges’ pets Lee DeWyze and Micheal Lynche…inevitably leading to tween bait Aaron Kelly and Tim Urban to finish things off. Yup. I was right. But don’t they ever get their time in the spotlight.

The girls look both thrilled and horrified. I am in complete awe that Crystal Bowersox is putting up with this like a champ. I guess she’s just gritting her teeth and keeping her eyes on the prize. Surprisingly, Big Mike almost amuses me with his supportive sing-song gestures.

And then basic choreography is introduced, shuffle-ball-changing things up on stage to pair the blackest kiddies together. (Pssst! Idol is racist!)

Except if you’re the parents/anointed Crystal Bowersox and Michael Lynche. Or the Dolleaganger-esque Didi Benami and Casey James.

As per usual, the group song ends on a low note. Forcing all the ladies to lift up their leg as if they just had someone stick their tongue down their throat in a Big Red Gum commercial. (Poor Crystal Bowersox. Right now, she is just thinking about sending her toddler to college, dammit!) I then continue to wonder about what Paige Miles would look like without those Halloween party store contact lenses.

I always wonder why the Top 12 get forgo their plush sofa seating to then sit on uncomfortable stools. I can’t believe Idol actually cares about making those who just weren’t good enough comfortable. And wouldn’t the stools be some sort of reward for doing well?

Didi Benami is the first person to be shipped off to stool seating. She lets out annoying little yelps and I think about how much I would have loved it if she had just fraked up as-per-usual on Tuesday night.

Siobhan Magnus and all of her uniqueness obviously takes her rightful place on the stools. Like there was any uncertainty about that one.

Whoa…Seacrest makes both Paige and Katelyn trot their asses down. One of them will be going home. Whew! Maybe this means Katie Stevens will be sent back to small-town Connecticut to eat Mystic Pizza. Boo! Katelyn Epperly is sent home. This kind of makes me sad! I liked her, but singing Carole King on Tuesday is most definitely what sent her home. Meanwhile, Idol does not have a Top 12 without an African-American female and VFTW defeats the bastards once again…or Idol fixed some shit so they would not appear to be racist.

Katelyn actually sounded better than she did on Tuesday and Lilly Scott is totally crying. Just like Tina Yothers in the Family Ties episode when she was a better baseball player than her junior high boyfriend. And now I have to look at Paige Miles’ creepy contact lenses for yet another week. Boo! Not that I dislike Paige whatsoever, but I really thought Katelyn could have come a long way in the competition.

(Wow, two commercial breaks and no LUKE WILSON! I’m kind of worried about him now, with his rental car situation and everything. I wish Kris Allen would show up with one of those environmentally-friendly Fords so they could play the leafy video game.)

Seacrest brings Tim Urban, Todrick Hall, Lee DeWyze and Casey James down to the guillotine. Interesting…so either Todrick or Tim makes it to the Top 12. Which will inevitably mean Aaron or Andrew will also be sent packing. Casey and his silken chest are safe. And HOLY SHIT. Tim Urban goes to a stool! A stool! It’s a VFTW party tonight!

Obviously, Lee DeWyze continues on and Todrick is off to go kiss former Idol contestants’ asses. Obviously, we all know Katie Stevens is NOT crying because it is Todrick’s time go go! Bitch knows that she may have a snowball’s chance in hell if Paige Miles was safe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Teen Bitch looks like she’s on a telenovela and the maid just stole her man! DIOS MIO!

Although Todrick gave his best performance last night, we all knew it was his time to go. For all the former contestant pimpage, there were still those pissed-off parents, and his arrogance, and the fact Idol already filled its token quota. (Meanwhile, I still find Michael Lynche’s enthusiastic lumbering to the beat a bit endearing. Am I going soft?)

I am also starting to love Idol’s cameraman. The shots at Katie Stevens crying are PRICELESS. It’s fraking ART.

Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud perform the duet they were supposed to perform on last year’s finale — Billy Joel’s Tell Her About It. Again, yet again, I miss last season. Blind Guy. Quatto Host. Evil villain Gokey. And frankly, Matt Giraud has come a very long way since his time on Idol. He was one of my favorite performers on the Tour. Scott MacIntyre will never be the world’s best singer, but it still fills me with mirth seeing him experience such joy while performing. Plus, he always wears killer jackets.

It’s good to see you too, Ryan.

I LOVE YOU BLIND GUY. You always make me laugh. After some brief idle chit chat, Ryan tells them adios, which kind of irritates me. What? They have no advice to give this year’s crop of wannabes?

Clearly, all the girls are pissed Katelyn Epperly got the boot. And maybe Todrick, too. None of them look particularly happy. Perhaps Crystal Bowersox looks as if she is being sent to her own funeral because she’s already thinking about coronation song horror? Oooh. Meow. When Paige pats her on the pack, she almost ignores it while looking back at Blowout Boy Urban.

Michael Lynche is up, which leans to the inevitable mention of her bullshit tears last night. (Is he and Andrew Garcia’s wife the same person? Or are they just confusing stuff?) Obviously, Big Mike gets to go fit on one stool. And Kara tries to clap like a seal but fails miserably, as only Paula Abdul can do that! Just like everything else Kara tries to do on this show.

Lacey Brown is up next…which could be very good news for ANYONE WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW. Oh, she’ll be out of here next week, but if she gets sent to the stools, we can almost guarantee KATIE STEVENS is going home!

TRIPLE FRAKING A. Aaron Kelly is next…will this be pitting Alex Lambert against Andrew Garcia? Aaron Kelly made it. This makes me kind of happy because I think he is a sweet kid. Please, oh please oh please oh please do not send Alex Lambert home. If Alex goes home, I will levy charges against California, AT&T, YouTube and Taco Bell (duh, Garcia!) because they obviously were involved in a vast conspiracy to send Andrew Garcia to the Top 12.

WHAT THE FRAKING HELL. WHAT THE FRAKING HELL. WHAT THE FRAKING HELL.

Um, okay. This is bullshit. I rarely actually get annoyed about the way Idol goes down, because I just don’t care that much. But Alex Lambert was one of the better contestants of this season. He kept improving, dammit! And he was one of the top performances last night. I just…hell, they could have taken Aaron over Alex. That would have made more sense. And Tim Urban. WHY OH WHY OH WHY??? Alex, and the other contestants (particularly Siobhan), are visibly upset. I’m actually shocked. I actually did think he had it locked over Garcia. All the contestants swarm the poor kid. Everyone was shocked. And amazingly…this is the most outright emotion I’ve ever seen shown by one Ryan Seacrest.

And because Idol loves rubbing salt in one’s wounds, they ask Kara DioGuardi’s opinion on this Katie vs. Lilly shit.

WHAT THE FRAKING HELL. WHAT THE FRAKING HELL. WHAT THE FRAKING HELL.

Uh, yeah, Katelyn Epperly. I’m thinking the same damn thing.

Everyone is miserable. Jesus christ. KATIE OVER LILLY? Are you serious? Didi over Lilly? Paige or Lacey over Lilly? I haven’t been this pissed off at American Idol since they allowed Kellie Pickler to compete. I don’t ever expect to care about who stays or goes. Hell, they’re probably better off, but then I will be forced to blog about worse-than-average shit tenfold.

I hate you, Katie Stevens. Hate. You. I am hoping Lilly Scott’s feathers come alive and smack that stupid smirk off your face. Hell, kiddo, if you would have been booted, your memaw wouldn’t even have remembered.

Is it wrong of me to hope that Paige, Katie, and Andrew are tortured by their fellow contestants when they go back to their Idol Manse? Todrick and Katelyn have had enough of this shit, and the sight of Alex Lambert’s tear-streaked face…

Oh Crystal…run, honey, run while you still can.

Presenting the most dreadful Top 12 in all of Idol history. Are you seriously telling me these people got the highest number of votes? You didn’t slip your own favorites in there? Perhaps not that many people are voting anymore, because no one cares. That’s one theory. And it totally explains why 3.5 superior contestants were sent out on their asses. Because people with nary an ounce of taste weren’t voting.

Well…at least Lilly Scott smiled less on this Patsy Cline go-around.

Apologies for my never-ending rant. But that was the shittiest episode of American Idol I’ve ever seen. I call bullshit.

Spread the word. Do it.

Here is Kris Allen and Megan being funny…

Megan with Lil Rounds, Lil Rounds’ weave, and Allison Iraheta all made up…

Here is Megan and Adam Lambert. More proof Adam Lambert would be a lot better looking if he just chilled on the makeup…

Megan and Anoop Desai. Weren’t they rumored to be dating or something?

Of course, I’ve saved the best for last. Its our favorite of all Season 8 Idols (even Kris Allen) — it’s QUATTO THE MOLE!!! Quatto is resplendent in his glorious beauty. It almost makes me forget Quatto Host Matt Giraud’s part-time plaything Alexis Grace is in the photo.

Oh, Quatto. I miss you so much. So many old feelings came flooding back when I saw this photo of you. Some things just never die. My love for you is one of them.

Spread the word. Do it.

Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

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All this for a guy who may be the long-lost bastard son of Colonel Sanders. Perhaps its those 11 secret herbs & spices which make him so damn irresistible to the (post)-menopausal set.

Meanwhile, Carrie Underwood just really needed to eat a damned sandwich. Her arm is the size of my thumb. She should also never speak.

I guess Justin Guarini was covering it for the TV Guide channel? (But I’m thinking they sort of just let anyone in. Alexis Grace was there. Or at least posed with one of the signs in front.)

How this woman can even smile amazes me after all she’s been through. Jennifer Hudson looked (and sounded) great.

This obnoxious bitch was only there in a pitiful attempt to show the world how RELEVANT she is…

…and to get into this guy’s pants. She’s been chasing him for over a year now, even though QUATTO warned her it would never happen.

For more photos of the 52nd Grammy Awards, check out MJ’s stash. Now with funny “concerned speculation” on why Kris Allen — who is probably on a flight to Southeast Asia right now — was not in attendance…and why this is MUY MAL for his career.

Whether or not Kris is “into the whole gala thing” or not he is wasting really valuable opportunities to network at functions like this. The day is going to come when someone is waffling over considering him for one thing or another and some previous personal contact would have made all the difference. That’s what all these functions are for- one Clive party is still just one party. The Grammy’s are network exposure both as appearing on a network and working a network. And never mind Katy’s aspirations- she needs the exposure as well.

I understand that there are successful celebrities that eschew the schmoozing thing, but Kris is not there yet and needs to learn how to get himself out there. He’s too passive. I don’t expect him to be a social butterfly and change his nature but I would expect him to at least try and make an effort. These opportunities are few and far between- it’s a shame to let them get away like this.

And someone wasted time writing those 2 paragraphs because they care so much?

Will be adding a few more photos if I get a chance. What were your favorite Grammy moments? I’m a bit shocked Gaga was so royally screwed when it came time to hand out those awards (although I think everyone won 10 of something in the awards presented before the telecast) and seriously, enough with Taylor Swift and the AW SHUCKS I REALLY WON speeches. The hate once reserved only for Miley Cyrus will now be directed towards you. Sorry, sweetheart. It’s just how things work.

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First off, we now know Lil Rounds has a tattoo of a fairy or butterfly or pterosaur on her leg (and is rocking another weave). Secondly, Matt Giraud is wearing a hat, which means NO QUATTO! BOO!!! HISS!!! MORE BOOS!!! The next thing I noticed? Anoop Desai totally reminds me of the landlord from Kingpin.

You remember Kingpin, right? Basically, Woody Harrelson’s is a down-and-out drunk named Roy who can’t pay his rent. (There is also a lot of bowling and Amish stuff.) To make up for it, he has sexy times with his nasty-ass landlord, even though he pukes thereafter. When she wants it, she makes a certain gesture…which kind of looks like what Anoop is doing in that photo. Even though I know he’s not, ya know…it’s just what it reminded me of, so…

Yeah, whatevia. I know I have the sense of humor of a 15-year-old boy. You gotta problem what that?

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MY NEW SONG- 4AM Written by myself and JT Harding. Let me know what ya’ll think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMqEew7EnDs

4Am, written with JT Harding, isn’t bad. As I’ve said, I would have no problem seeing Giraud dominate the piano in small venues. When I caught the Idol Tour stop in Boston last August, his performance surprised me more than any other contestant. I had no idea I would like it as much as I did and thought he had improved tenfold since being on the show.

Now, Matty G, can you tell me what’s going on with Quatto? Does he ever talk about me? I miss him so.

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Looks like she’s moved on or made new friends? Or is trying to make Lindsay Lohan jealous?

I hope Quatto gets to hang out with my idol, the beautiful CoCo, one day. Love her.

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