Even The Goddess Cat Deeley and some halfway likable contestants could have saved this crappy season, as it’s been the equivalent of a Tyce DiOrio Broadway number. How many people went down due to injuries? Oddly enough, there wouldn’t even be a competition if Alex Wong’s run had not been tragically cut. (Did I lose interest then? I did love watching him dance.) Mary Murphy is at home drinking alone so we’ve been forced to endure a lot of Mia Michaels, who seemed to harbor an irrational hatred towards contemporary dancer Adechike. But let’s face it, the judges all seemed to play the asshat card more often than not this season (Did Shankman? He is kind of the Paula when it comes down to it, even though he’s coherent and constructive.), even The Goddess Cat Deeley called them out.

I have followed the show a bit but I cannot tell you when I last saw anyone actually dance — besides the spin-twirl-kick-sashay-strut stuff done by the contestants during the beginning credits. Even with the addition of the All-Stars, a group which included a handful of my favorite dancers from seasons past, the entire season just could not hold my interest. And with TWO HOURS of choreography every week?

Some thoughts…

The show kicks off with Kurt & Lauren Gottlieb doing a Bollywood number. Yes, it requires him to be goofy, but I never really felt he embodied it, nor did I think the routine was as “fast” as the judges claimed. All three fawn all over Kurt — they do want him to win — but All-Star Lauren was tighter and more precise. She was believable. Kurt was not…and no, it is not just because the aw-shucks farm boy looked like an aw-shucks farm boy.

Lauren Froderman, the last girl standing, she loves the Snooki poof. Since she’s sort of the default female in this Final 3, and the season boasted a very strong crop of male contestants…she will finish third. But in the politico-themed Nappy Tabs routine to Kayne West’s Power, Lauren ably holds her own against the incomparable tWitch, even if I keep thinking how awesome it would be to see Courtney Galliano in her place. (Season 4? 5? That first one I watched. It is still the best.)

Robert Roldan and Mark Kanemura. Dancing to Devo. I don’t even have to watch it to know it’s gonna be off the chain. Even if it is a TYCE DIORIO number. I have a feeling he just lived out several fantasies watching his handiwork, but yeah…both of them are hot. I must agree — Nigel says, it wasn’t even a Tyce routine. No, it was not. Because it was actually insanely enjoyable. And it’s impossible not to adore Robert and Mark.

Ok…I’m getting bored. And still wondering why male contemporary dancers always solo in J. Crew apparel on this show.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight begins with a dramatic montage featuring the final 6 dancers and their shadows. And then there is a group dance, which begins with all the OTHER contestants. The judges are still shoving Mollee Gray down our throats. But this is all just to get everyone in the mood for the Top 6 who come out and strut around. Cat Deeley is gilded, and I realize that there are going to be a zillion Jakob Karr-Adam Lambert flirting backstage rumors after this episode. I should totally call Ok! Magazine or some such shit with some insider information.

I also miss Legacy. I don’t really care who wins tonight, as I like all the finalists. They all deserve it. But you know who I can’t stand? Jennifer Lopez. Never liked that mediocre, self-entitled closet $cientologist. Plus, she peaked in 98-99. Only decent movie — Out of Sight. Only decent song — If You Had My Love. Only decent historic fashion moment — the open-faced Versace muumuu.

Apparently I missed some good dancing last night. At least some acrobatic stuff. People were doing crazy tosses and leaps! Russell made Mary cry and we got to see the married Ashleigh and Ryan dance together. I am not actually sort of pissed at myself for not watching it last night and am tempted to stop the finale and watch the performance show!

The Judges Want to See Their Favorite Dances Again

Lil C
Tabitha & Napoleon — Beggin’ (Madcon)
Kevin Hunte, Legacy Perez and Russell Ferguson

Oooh! I remember this one. This was pretty badass. I think its even better this time around. I do kind of love these guys. And I don’t even care how cheesetastic this sounds, but when I watch Russell dance, that big grin on his face, I am filled with mirth.

Adam Shankman
Sonya Tayeh — Tore My Heart
Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr

I remember this one. I remember loving the song more than anything. I want to go download everything in Sonya Tayeh’s iTunes, actually. That would make me happy. Jakob is insanely flexible. And it soooo does not surprise me Shankman’s favorite routine included Jakob! In fact, I am now speculating a BACKSTAGE LOVE TRIANGLE between Shankman-Lambert-Karr.

Nigel Lythgoe
Take the A Train (Ella Fitzgerald)
Phillip, Peter and Bianca — The TAPPERS

1980s British Hair brings back the tappers because he loves them so much. Even though he cut them nearly all in a row. Bianca makes me want to do 1000 crunches. This dance was also from the SYTYCD Top 20 Just For Fun Show, which makes me realize that we’re already at the end and PAULA ABDUL NEVER SHOWED UP!!! This makes me sad.

(Side note — Interesting supplemental movie marketing targeting females involving Avatar’s Sigourney Weaver and Zoe Saldana.)

Mary Murphy
Straight To…Number One (Touch & Go)
Ashleigh Di Lello and Ryan Di Lello

Mary is in love with love. Which is why she favored the married couple. This song is about as annoying as that Cha Cha Slide shit…is there some terrible group dance 8th graders do at their cotillion classes designed in tandem with this song that I do not know about? And I get the distinct impression Ryan and Ashleigh sometimes do this at home. Oh. And I’m convinced Ryan is Hugh Jackman’s long-lost American little brother.

Leona Lewis sings the Avatar theme. Ok, Glamberts, I’m gonna let you in on a little not-so-secret-secret. James Horner score + James Cameron movie + Guilty pleasure big-voiced female ballader with ambiguous ethnicity = OSCAR GOLD! Well, if only it were 1997, perhaps, because this song ain’t so good. In fact, it’s as forgettable as what, what was that song? Oh yeah. Time For Miracles.

Was it just me or did Ms. Lewis sound a bit off this evening?

After the 25th commercial break, some people called the Groovaloos show up. They’re all well and good and stylized with quirk and irony, but I just wanna get this crap over with. But damn, could guy-in-red-hat spin on his head. Damn.

Nigel Lythgoe
Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhodin — Unchained Melody (Michael Buble)
Jakob Karr & Kathryn McCormick

This is from last night, right? Two of the most gifted dancers you’ve ever had on this show, huh? While I like Jakob, don’t we have one like him every season? Wow. I simply cannot stand Michael Buble. Please. Stop desecrating classic songs, numbnuts. Maybe I should have been paying attention more, because I wasn’t blown away-blown away.

Tyce DiOrio
Bollywood
Mollee Gray and Nathan Trasoras

Oh no…as soon as he said Bollywood, I JUST KNEW WE WOULD SUFFER. Just had to stick these two on the show for their “fans”, didn’t you? I think I recall them bastardizing this, which pissed me off.  Mollee Moron fails to infuse any real Bollywood spirit into this damn routine. I really hope tonight is that last time I ever see her on my TV.

There is a HUGE mic fail for everyone on set. It’s actually pretty funny. Cat Deeley can just pull that sort of thing off, you see, because she is CAT DEELEY and she is a GODDESS. Anyway, is anyone else FINALLY excited that they’re finally eliminating someone tonight.

NOOOOOOO. Russell messed up his leg! The poor guy is in tears he’s in so much pain. I don’t even think its an elaborate ruse, I mean, duh. The votes have been cast. And yes, my sensitive side gets affected by this sort of thing. I also am touched when I see Ryan Jackman helping Russell on stage. Not that I want anyone to go home.

#6 Ryan Di Lello
Yeah…I totally saw this coming. And Cat is sweet for not making him get off stage when he’s holding up Santy Krump. Ryan knew he would come in 6th. He’s totally fine with that. I hope he gets a full-time gig on Dancing With The Stars. I won’t watch it, but I hope he gets more exposure on that show. He’s perfect for it. And he’s just happy he got to dance with his #1 lady on the SYTYCD stage.

THE MOMENT YOU PEOPLE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! THE GLITTERY GOD FROM PLANET FIERCE LANDED IN HIS SPECIAL FIERCE SPACESHIP WITH HIS HEAD EMBLAZONED ON THE SIDE.

It reminds me of the new V.

I have now realized they are promoting the hell out of Whataya Want From Me as the “big single” because its not a crotch-centric song. That’s why TBTB were fine with letting the titular For Your Entertainment die. As I’ve said before, I’m fine with it, though. Because I actually like this song.

I am also excited by the fact Swamp Thing has joined Lambert on stage. He’s perched upon his shoulder, ready to sing backup. When I was a very young child, Swamp Thing was MY FAVORITE MOVIE. Adrienne Barbeau…where art thou?

Ok. We’re an hour into it and we’ve only lost one dancer. We still haven’t suffered through J. Lo (Please oh please oh please oh please say she falls on her ass again.) and we’re onto the entire season montage. These people look vaguely familiar and Tyce DiOrio is all Broadway bitch. And I miss Mia Michaels. And Legacy! Legacy!

I also feel choked up whenever I see Cat Deeley getting choked up. I can’t help it. I’m such a sap. And I hope Russell isn’t seriously hurt. Poor guy is sitting on a stool.

#5 Ashleigh Di Lello
Well…she can go hang out with her husband now. Actually, before she goes to Ryan, I want her to have a chit chat with her mom about her hair. Her mother’s hair frightens me.

For some reason I like Ashleigh even though she thanks God a lot. Okay, let’s hurry this crap up. We’re past the hour mark. Time to pick up the pace. When is Wanda Sykes on? I don’t think I knew she had a talk show. Why are people so

Adam Shankman
Travis Wall — Machine Gun (Portishead)
Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez

YESSSS!!! I knew they would bring back this awesomeness. This entire routine was SICK. And I do agree with Shankman — I hope Travis Wall gets an Emmy nomination for that number. Probably one of the most memorable routines of the entire show–all seasons

Debbie Allen
Frog Dance (Mickey Hart & Planet Drum)
Noelle Marsh and Russell Ferguson

YES! YES! YES! I do love it when Debbie Allen shows up. And since Russell is hurt, we get to watch a recording of the original. I hope we get to hear Debbie Allen talk more, though. I simply adore the wisdom of Debbie Allen.

And then there were four…

#4 Ellenore Scott
Hey, I’m just glad she made it this far. I liked her too much, therefore, she wasn’t long for this world…yet, she made it this far! Oh, Ellenore. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I’ve seen you. Ellenore. Wow. You’re just so cool. I really cannot believe you are in the same age bracket as Mollee Gray.

And since we’re down to Kathryn as the final girl, I’m going to make a guess and say its Russell vs. Jakob for Numero Uno, given that she may be deemed too similar to Jeanine Mason. Not sure, but I loved Jeanine. And I grew to really enjoy Kathryn.

Lil C
Crying (k.d. lang)
Arianna, Channing Cooke, Nathan Trasoras and Jakob Karr

An orgy of majestic contemporary artistry…Yup, Lil C. I agree. Or its a cross-branded Massengil and late 1990s Gap advertisement.

PLEASE TELL ME HOW THERE IS TIME FOR TWO ELIMINATIONS, TWO DANCES, MARY J. BLIGE AND JENNIFER LOPEZ FALLING ON HER ASS? THERE ARE 34 MINUTES LEFT!

Mary Murphy
Tabitha & Napoleon – I Can Transform You (Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne)
Russell Ferguson and Kathryn McCormick

More tape! Poor Russell. But hey, I heard this was a killer routine so I’m glad I get to see it. Plus, its a good thing Nappy Tabs were able to KIND OF redeem themselves. Ok. I gotta say…I just love watching Kathryn and Russell dance. I really, really do. MIRTH! I’m filled with it. And I don’t care if its Chris Brown. Downloading this song. And I might just buy myself a Cat Deeley Necklace from QVC!!! (It’s clearly meant to be worn as costume jewelry…unlike Paula Abdul’s…makes no sense, but you know what I mean. You hear me. You get it. You see where I’m coming from.

Mary J. Blige performs. I hope she is pissed that she’s not the final singer. Jennifer Lopez should be hiding on Long Island with Skeletor and the Dragon Twins. BTW, I totally think Benny Ninja choreographed those dancers behind her. It’s the only explanation…hmmm…they are moving too fast. I still want to blame Benny Ninja.

Nigel Lythgoe
Wade Robson — Comanche (The Rebels)
The Top 20

Why did Debbie Allen only get ONE pick? And yes, we get it. Everyone loved the Top 20 Just For Fun episode. Plus, its an easy way to let everyone do something…whoa. Is this taped? BECAUSE I SEE RUSSELL DANCING!!! Nah…that shit was totally taped, as there are only three judges at the table. So did they have to scrap all the live numbers because of his injury?

Okay. I give in. This was a pretty sick number. And I really want Russell to win.

#3 Kathryn McCormick
Told you so. Told you so. Told you so. Oh, Kathryn, you still rock. Please don’t make me watch clips of you crying…because I totally love you now. Plus, you know I have a soft spot for my brunette gals. The only blonde who belongs on STYCD is Cat Deeley, dammit!

OH. MY. FRAKING. FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER. You have got to be kidding me.

Does anyone actually like this bitch? SHE IS LIP SYNCING A PHONE CALL TO SANTA!! WHO LIP SYNCS TO SANTY CLAUS??? SHE IS LIP SYNCING A PHONE CALL WHILE WITHING IN A GIANT STILETTO!!!

(I also hate songs about brand name/designer items. Plus we all know this idiot just wants free shoes since she’s slipped into irrelevancy. And those aren’t real Rockettes. They are former contestants. Granted, I do not notice this until J. Lo says so, so I rewind. I think I spy POWDER!)

Or was it Mollee? I couldn’t tell the difference. You know those girls won’t get more than a 1 second closeup with Lopez on stage. Well, regardless. That shit was just all around excruciating.

DECISION TIME…no way? Finally? Really?

Awwww…Jakob helps Russell to the stage. My icy heart melts instantly. 1980s British Hair starts making an allegory about polished diamonds (Jakob) and unpolished diamonds (Russell). This is the part when I say…THEY BOTH WON. THEY WILL BOTH BE SUCCESSFUL. EVERYONE IS A WINNER. Montage time…awwww…Santy Krump…Crazy Mary Cries…Jakob backflips…Russell talks Dot.)

And the winner is…

RUSSELL RUSSELL RUSSELL!!!!!!!!!

He is so excited he walks without help. And rips his shirt off! How Brandi Chastain of him! While he is screaming in the midst of excessive confetti…he goes to the ground…he cries…he shouts to GOD GOD GOD. He makes fellow krumper Kevin Hunte get up on stage!

Shankman looks upset. Alas. And now he has to go backstage and fight for Jakob’s heart against Adam Lambert! Meanwhile, I totally have to go hunt down Side Street and G-Fam. And where is Russell’s girlfriend? I want to see her. His family rules. Especially his lil bro’s afro. That is bad ass.

I hope Jakob Karr is okay. He’ll be fine, I know it. The dude is mad talented. So does Russell’s leg still hurt? I’m glad he winced when Cat said injured. Of course, if I won $250,000 and the title of America’s Favorite Dancer, I would probably let adrenaline take over and not notice that shit, either.

Jakob Karr and The Two Adams rumors in 3…2…1…

Spread the word. Do it.

In any case, it’s good to see a Sonya Tayeh group routine, even if the big finale did not involve dropping Mollee on her head. (But HOORAY for INTENSE LEGACY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!)

I kid, I kid. Anyway, if my SYTYCD dreams come true this evening and Miss Mollee Gray gets sent packing, I will record myself dancing around my living room. Ok. Back to important things. I HAVE TO HAVE CAT DEELEY’S DRESS.

Over 8 million votes were cast last night. I want Cat Deeley’s dress. I also want to know why everything on TV is NOT hosted by Cat Deeley. FINALLY! The Samantha Ronson partnership is explained. It’s the first time I’ve Ms. Ronson speak and I must say she has a beautiful voice. I like her, for whatever reason. There’s just something likable about Samantha Ronson. I mean, you know she’s probably been the only beacon of sanity in Lindsay Lohan’s life since that girl got off the set of Mean Girls and I can’t even blame her for getting involved with that trainwreck.

I really, really, really need to know why Jakob is the only male contestant sporting the Lycra/Spandex blend when everyone else is in denim. Because of this, I am so going to believe he is just reminding Shankman what he’s got going on below torso. And I soooo want Cat Deeley’s dress.

When Russell Ferguson comes back home to Dorchester, I may have to seek him out just so I can meet Santa Krump himself. And after last night’s performances, was there any doubt in our mind that he would be safe?

So Legacy and Ryan are in the bottom 2. I totally blame Tabitha and Napoleon for Legacy being in danger. Their routines have been complete shit lately and I guarantee you things would have been different if Legacy and Ellenore’s first routine and been their last of the evening, because that was simply off the hook.

Jakob is a fantastic dancer, but he reminds me of so many other contemporary dancers I’ve seen on this show. Ryan is too ballroom for my tastes, but hey, I like them both. If I had it my way, we would keep everyone except Mollee and declare the 7 of them SYTYCD Season 6 champions. And then Shankman and Jakob can hook up and we can all have a super-fun dinner party with Cat Deeley, and perhaps they would tell me whether or not Crazy Mary Murphy has a hearing problem and what she takes with her Captain & Diet. Homegirl is like Oskar on the nip. Sometimes, I think it would be fun to be Crazy Mary for say, 48 hours.

MAKE. IT. STOP. It has been decided. Moron Mollee has less fashion sense than Britney Spears. I really, really, really don’t want to see Kathryn in the Bottom 2. She is by far the most-improved dancer of the season and…YES!!! Kathryn has made it to the finale!! Ellenore is in danger…now down to Mollee and Ashleigh…come on! Send the right Mormon to the finale! YESSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ok. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I am at least temporarily filled with mirth. Come on, Shankman. Just admit that everyone hates Mollee. It has nothing to do with Nathan (this season’s unanimous whipping boy), it has everything to do with the fact she just sucks and acts as if she is 13.

OMG. The Wonder Girls. Who are they? They suck. Is this Asia’s answer to The Pussycat Dolls (who also suck)? This is excruciating. Seriously. What am I watching?

(And why is Megan Mullally shilling for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter? It’s not even shot in HD!) Oh wow. KMART PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Dancers in pajamas exchanging gifts with their respective partners! Gifts from Kmart!

Am I really supposed to believe the helmet wasn’t actually supposed to go with Moron Mollee’s Elmo hands? I have a feeling they must cork her fork at dinner, so…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqMc9B7uDV8

Mollee, eat your applesauce.

I also want to believe Legacy and Kathryn will double date with Shankman and Jakob. A girl can dream, can’t she? The Goddess Cat Deeley announces the upcoming auditions for Season 7 and I just hope that a CERTAIN READER OF MY BLOG WITH NAME BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER C will be one of the girls we see next summer.

I would write about the solos but I don’t really think the solos matter much anymore, therefore…let’s just hurry this shit up. Ryan gets acrobatic and Moron Mollee makes me cringe with her attempts at being sexy. Seriously. That’s like Chris Hansen Dateline shit.

YAY HOT BY DEFAULT TIME!!!!!

Although I would have loved to have heard say, Can’t Stay Away, I still kind of like Live Like We’re Dying. Plus its good to see his debut single gaining traction on the charts. And for some reason, and in a very non-slash/tard way, I think it would be really funny if Kris Allen went over to his drummer and started making out with him.

I am also thankful the bass guitarist looks nothing like Constantine Maroulis when you look at him straight on. I was rather scared when I saw those YouTube clips from Disney World. It is safe to say Kris Allen has a better-looking band than his Idol-winning predecessor. (I’m looking at you, David Cook!) Actually, I find it incomprehensible how anyone could ever HATE this guy???

Um…I am now really curious to see what Allen and his band can do beyond the debut album.

JUSTICE IS SERVED! JUSTICE IS SERVED! JUSTICE IS SERVED! I CAN DRINK CAPTAIN & DIET AGAIN!!!!!!!

And just look at the other dancers. Right now, I love Ashleigh Di Lello with all my evil fraking heart. LOOK AT THAT FACE!!! LOOK AT IT!!! CRISTAL CONNORS FOR THE WIN!

Oh, you know the best advice I ever got? You’re up there on stage, hopin’ on a spot. If someone gets in your way, step on ‘em. If you’re the only one left standing there, they hire you. That’s about it. Thank you and good night, ladies and gentlemen. Elvis has left the building.

(And thank you, recap film, for reminding me how badly Mollee and Nathan butchered the beauty that is Bollywood.)

CRY! CRY! CRY!

I almost feel badly. That always happens. Oh, who am I kidding. I just WANT to feel badly. WHOA. WHAT???? Ryan over Legacy???

I think Legacy will do just fine, but that still kind of sucks. However, if it meant sacrificing Mollee, well then, I guess it had to be done. Oh, Legacy’s parents. I adore you. You should be very proud. He is awesome. I don’t like watching Legacy cry, but I am totally loving Mollee’s dreams shattered and her subsequently blowing them away with lame little kisses as tears stream down her face. Her Ashleigh sabotage was foiled! Foiled! Cristal Connors always has the last laugh!

Mmm-hmmm. Long time ago. Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow.

Bye darlin.

(So a promise is a promise. Keep your eye out for celebratory video. I will probably regret this, but…)

Spread the word. Do it.

Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

But since the judges no longer have control (well…), I’m counting on the people that vote for this crap

Noelle Marsh and Ryan Di Lello
Hip Hop — Tabitha & Napoleon

Is this hip hop or a porn? Ryan kind of makes me giggle doing hip hop, but I still like him. The office porn routine is cute and Noelle keeps getting better. I sooooo hope she’s ditched former BFF Mollee Moron. The porn routine ends all politically correct when Noelle complains of “harassment” to Ryan, her “employer”.

Ashleigh Di Lello and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Gary Stewart
The Poison — Prodigy

I don’t even have to pay attention to know they’re gonna nail it. Ashleigh is sick. Legacy makes funny faces, and although this is contemporary and not b-boy, the entire routine is in his ballpark. Gary Stewart…have I seen him before? He’s the most non-choreographer-looking choreographer I’ve ever seen!

Mollee Gray
Rock The Beat — LM*AO

(Is that really the artist of the song? Because I LMAO whenever I see this nitwit.)

OMG. How the hell are you so damn annoying? And why are you dressed in your trailer finest on national TV? Maybe if you would have gotten a GED, you would have more sense. I’m scared. Mollee Gray almost makes me miss POWDER aka Season 5′s Kayla Radomski!

Mollee Moron was a dead ringer for Jon Benet Ramsey. (I know. Bad pun.) Mollee Moron is still pissed because she didn’t become a star as a background dancer in those High School Musical shit. Her mother is one of those pretty milf types found mainly in Utah (re: Mormon) and the brother is actually named GAGE GRAY. This family is more saccharine than a dozen dead lab rats at the Sweet ‘n’ Low factory. Oh, in case you were wondering, her solo totally sucked. I’m not even sure what she did exactly.

Russell Ferguson
Outros — Black Milk

I like Russell and not just because he krumps. I love his family. And he’s from Roxbury. Russell is good people. He is the anti-Mollee. If he stuck a pick in those dreads, he would be my future husband.

Kathryn McCormick and Nathan Trasoras
Broadway — Spencer Liff
Choreography — Danny Kaye

The slicked-back hair and retro costuming makes Nathan look like the bisexual lovechild of k.d. lang and Shia LeBeouf. The judges love them, but think they lack chemistry. (Isn’t Kathryn at least a few years older than k.d. Lebeouf?) Meh. Kathryn looks gorgeous. Love the red lipstick.

Noelle Marsh
Every Time It Rains – Charlotte Martin

Small town + big family + trampoline + diploma (no GED). Ain’t Noelle just the epitome of wholesome? But while I know Mollee Moron and Noelle are the same age, it seems as if Noelle has a couple of years on her–not only in dancing, but in her overall demeanor. I just sense a greater maturity with this one. (Yes, I know I must shut up about Moron Mollee but she annoys me so! I can’t help it! I promise once she gets her ass booted I will stop.)

Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr
Quickstep — Melanie Lapatin and Tony Meredith
Four Brothers

It’s official. I hate the quickstep. It does nothing for me. I like both Ellenore and Jakob, but his jazz hands stole the show. His jazz hands were the gayest, jazziest hands I’ve ever seen. I think Crazy Mary is on the sauce again even though her drink is rather full. I will simply believe she keeps topping it off during the routines. Shankman is a huge fan. I realize I want Jakob Karr to be Adam Shankman’s muse/cabana boy.

Ryan Di Lello
Rock You Like a Hurricane — The Scorpions

He was a product of dancing beget by two other products of dancing. I almost find it a bit sweet. He says he’s a born entertainer. AND OMG I LOVE HIS (STEP)DAD, this misty-eyed burly man named Wylie Anderson.

LOVE DAD OF RYAN. So sweet. I can be such a sap. Must be because I mixed the pad thai with Lorazepam this evening.

And I love Ryan even more right now because he, are you ready? HE DANCES TO THE SCORPIONS!!! It may be my most favorite solo EVER.

Kathryn McCormick
Beautiful — Bethany Dillon

How did I forget about Kathryn’s stage mommy. Why don’t dancers go to college? My niece is a dance major, I mean…its better to just go out and move to L.A. or something? Kathryn’s mom likes to cry. Now I know where Kathryn gets it!

Mollee Gray and Russell Ferguson
Lyrical Jazz — Mandy Moore
It Must Have Been Love — Roxette

How could they let this twit near my boy Russell? How could they allow her to bastardize one of Roxette’s greatest hits, dammit? HOW? WHY? I don’t think Mollee has gained maturity with a more mature partner…in fact, I sensed zero chemistry and zero emotion. The best part was seeing Sonya Tayeh!!! in the audience. Oh come on, Nigel, Mollee Moron DID NOT become a young woman in a week’s time just because she’s wearing apparel previously seen in Massengil commercials. When Mollee scratches Russell’s stomach, I totally cringe. Blech. And now Crazy Mary is talking about CHEMISTRY. This show is so damn rigged. I cannot take it anymore.

Nathan Trasoras
Golden Train — Justin Nozuka

Nathan needs to muss his hair in order for me to like him again. He already lost dead weight Mollee, but now he’s been saddled with that unfortunate slicked-back ‘do. And his family looked sweet, but I don’t buy the continuation tears on stage up there with Cat…not as well as I did in his “personality package”.

Noelle Marsh and Ryan Di Lello
Waltz
Jeux d’eau — O (Cirque du Soleil)

Ryan looks like a Disney prince. It kind of works for him. When this guy gets a permanent gig on Dancing With The Stars, I don’t think I’ll watch it, but I may check out a couple of his clips on Hulu or something. I like Noelle…even though I fear she will be Wednesday’s sacrificed brunette!

Ellenore Scott
Beatbox Harmonica — Yuri Lane

Ellenore is an engaging dancer because she always looks like she’s having the time of her life. She’s unique. Her solo was infinitely better than Moron Mollee, as is her effervescent smile.

Ashleigh Di Lello and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Dave Scott
Slow Down — Bobby Valentino

NOOOOOO. NO TWILIGHT SHIT. Now tell me…is there anything Ashleigh CANNOT do? She is by far this year’s strongest female dancer. Hands down. Getting hip hop for their second routine will also help solidify Legacy’s spot in the competition for some time longer. Plus, the dude has a fan base. And makes the best faces! Ruh roh. Nigel wasn’t feeling it. And then he bashes on Dave Scott. I do agree that there could have been a bit more dancing…uh…do these judges EVER disagree with one another?

Kathryn McCormick and Nathan Trasoras
Rumba — Melanie Lapatin and Tony Meredith
Walk On By — Aretha Franklin

Nathan’s facial expressions are ridiculous. Freaking me out a bit. He also was a bit unsteady when grabbing and letting go of her ass. Nigel bashes more choreographers tonight.

Legacy Perez
No Air — Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks

I love this song. I don’t care if a beater sang it. I haven’t heard it outside my iPod since…yeah, I know. No Air is pretty cheesy…but I like it. And I wonder just how much money Legacy was pulling in as a B-Boy hustler on the Santa Monica / Third Street Prominade. I bet he was making fat cash.

Ellenore Scott and Jakob Karr
Contemporary — Sonya Tayeh
Tore My Heart – OONA and Dave Tweedie

We already know this will be good because Sonya Tayeh did it. And yup. Here’s another song I will be downloading, courtesy of a Sonya Tayeh routine. I really want Sonya Tayeh to teach me how to dance. They’re just balls-out awesome. Sonya is awesome. I LOVE YOU SONYA TAYEH. This time, when the judges cream all over themselves, I’m totally okay with it. Shankman brings up The Garden, one of my all-time favorites (Courtney & Mark, Season 4 OF COURSE)! YESSSS! I was totally thinking the same thing!

Ashleigh Di Lello
Batucada Por Favor

Ashleigh had some crazy parasitic infection and is from Utah…with a blond mother with CRAZY blond hair. I am now assuming she is Mormon. Joseph Smith probably wrote a chapter about SYTYCD in that Book of Mormon. Whatevia. Ashleigh still graduated from college and is AWESOME.

NATURALLY, the final couple of the night includes MOLLEE MORON. Should I go back and COUNT how many times she’s performed last or second-to-last? (Tonight, she had the FIRST solo dance and the LAST couple routine.)

Mollee Gray and Russell Ferguson
Jive — Anya and Pasha
Land of 1000 Dances — Jimmy Barnes

Thank flying spaghetti monster this shit is almost over. I wish I could be more excited to see Russell dance again, alas, he was paired (“randomly”, of course) with Mollee Moron. Sorry, but you need to put a bag over her head if you want to convey any sort of “maturity” to the audience. Not only is she a total butter face, but she has the worst smile I’ve ever seen on the show. Russell, naturally, WAS AWESOME. I am so tired of the judges blowing smoke up her ass. She may be my least favorite SYTYCD contestant of all time. Crazy Mary even put them on the hot tamale train. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Jakob Karr
Always Midnight (Acoustic) — Pat Monahan

I like seeing photos of Jakob as a youth. And I really, really love his mother’s signage. I really like Jakob. In fact, I don’t really have any issues with any of the male contestants (although Nathan could go whenever, even though I partly want him to stay if only to spoil the judges plans)…and all the girls are good, too, well…except for ONE!!!

SYTYCD TOP 10 ELIMINATION SHOW RESULTS

I don’t feel like watching the whole damn thing, especially since it was pre-taped, but here’s what went down. Mollee lives another week. I will not be happy until she is eliminated. Who else wants that idiot kid gone? Come on! I know I’m not the only one out there!!!

Cat Deeley looked phenomenal, and people are taking issue with Tyce Diorio’s group number which promised to highlight all the contestants’ fortes. Hey, not everything Tyce does turns to gold….remember Katie Holmes? Jakob just lept around a lot. And Ryan and Ashleigh made out, which, in turn, well…we have @jambajim to thank for the ENRAGED Glamberts, now, don’t we?

Dear Dick Clark, the married couple’s kiss on tonight’s SYTYCD was just as graphic as Adam Lambert’s AMA smooch. Just sayin’. Love, Jim

Sadly, Noelle was eliminated. THE BOTTOM TWO girls were Noelle and Kathryn, because they always love to sacrifice brunettes on this show. While I think the audience got it right by eliminating Nathan, why the frak did you have RYAN DISNEY PRINCE in the bottom two? So basically, two couples were in the bottom two…are the judges happy now? As I mentioned before, I really don’t believe these partnerships were picked randomly.

Or people just wanted to get rid of those with names beginning with the letter N?

Next week, my Captain & Diet Strike will continue. I certainly will be getting thirsty soon if Miss Mollee Moron is not eliminated. Who else feels the same way? Don’t you think the judges keep shoving her down our throats and have been since hell, even before day one?

Spread the word. Do it.

Francesca in New York City: Is it just me or is the so-called “golden couple” Nathan and Mollee the most irritating twosome in the history of SYTYCD? The judges protected them unfairly last week, and I just don’t see the attraction!
I, myself, have absolutely no opinion on Nathan and Mollee, but you’re right that the judges do seem to favor them. We talked to exec producer Nigel Lythgoe last week and he told us, “We didn’t know why Mollee and Nathan were in the bottom three. I think there was a little backlash from last week and maybe Nathan’s [video] package where he made himself out to be the kid who always got whatever he wanted. They need to be very careful how they portray themselves.” What do you guys think? Are the judges deluded about Nathan and Mollee’s appeal? Was last week just a temporary “backlash” or do you not like those two in general?

See? No one likes being manipulated, and frankly, 1980s British Hair, you’ve been goading us into liking Moron Mollee Gray since LAST season. Tonight, we’re going to be forced to watch TWO dances per couple because they are incapable of just say, reducing the show’s running length. It’s also the last time they will perform as part of their original couplings, but I just hope Crazy Mary gets her drink on.

Ryan Di Lello & Ellenore Scott
Lindy Hop — Carla Heiney
I’ve Got to be a Rug Cutter — Boilermaker Jazz Band

The ever-so-adorable Ryan and Ellenore are going back to the days of post-war swing with their sweet-as-pie lindy hop. Both of them have the personalities to pull this off without it seeming forced or cheesy. Ellenore’s smile and Ryan’s overwhelming excitement to be doing something similar to his original style are both infectious. Bonus points for Ryan giving 110% with a hurt back.

YESSSSS! Sitting next to choreographer Carla Heiney is…SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!! This may make up for Crazy Mary’s recent bout with slooooow boozing. 1980s British Hair freaks them out by saying he hated that…that they haven’t had the lindy hop on the show in three seasons. Ba-bum-bah.

I like Ryan and Ellenore. The kids are alright.

Legacy Perez & Kathryn McCormick
Jazz — SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!!!!
So Deep — Hot Chip

Of course it’s going to be good. It’s SONYA FRAKING TAYEH!!! Oh how I adore this woman. I would bite any hand for you, Sonya Tayeh.

Sonya’s dances are always fantastic–sexy, great music, you name it. I also think she is acutely aware of the dancers’ strengths and plays up to them, for instance, letting Legacy show off his B-Boy-ness in a jazz routine. Kathryn is looking less and less like a child each week and for one instant, she almost looks like Katy Perry.  Their chemistry is obvious. It doesn’t seem like work with these two. Excellent work, kiddos!

HA HA HA. What did Adam Shankman just say? He made the same observation. See? Me is smart. All the judges are agreeing with me tonight. Wow. Should I be scared?

Victor Smalley & Karen Hauer
Tango — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Montserrat — Orquesta del Plata

Karen should have the chops to pull off a sexy tango. I’m not sure if Victor can hold a candle to her, as he is an excellent dancer, I’m just not buying the love story. Maybe its because he seems so young compared to her, or so gay? AND NO, I do not mean that in a bad way. Okay. So I guess the judges don’t agree with me anymore, but I know NOTHING about the tango, although I do know he has poise and stature. I wasn’t sensing the hot chemistry, though. Crazy Mary keeps drinking slow, but I suspect she agrees with me about Victor. Nigel believes Karen “has it” like Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, whom he just saw perform at the AMAs. Probably because she is oh, Latina. But I doubt Karen will ever fall on her ass.

Nathan Trasoras & Mollee Gray
Hip Hop — Jamal Sims
Ring-a-Ling — Black Eyed Peas

Nathan will miss Mollee’s laugh. Oh come on. Shoot me now. Jamal’s hip hop routine is all about the invention of the telephone. I also hate the Black Eyed Peas and nothing will make me believe Moron Mollee could invent anything but a new way to annoy the frak out of SYTYCD viewers everywhere. She also dances like she’s on a pom squad and its halftime at a high school basketball game. And then Nathan tried answering her butt.

Everytime this girl smiles, I want to slap her. I don’t care if she can do flips and shit. Nathan is less annoying than Mollee, and since he can dance hip hop, he’s obviously the stronger partner. He also split his pants. Pants splitting happens a lot on SYTYCD.

The judges are pretty much unimpressed, but they still lay it on thick. 1980s thinks they need more mature partners if they move on to next week. Hey, that may just highlight their obvious flaws even more so…but I really don’t want them in the Top 10. Why do these people want us to love these kids so much? WHY WHY WHY?

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Samba — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Hips Don’t Lie — Shakira

Of course Noelle will miss Russell, I am sensing a total CONNECTION with these two, aren’t you?

I love this song. I love Shakira. I’m starting to love Noelle and Russell. And look how much fun they’re having out there! It’s ADORABLE! Sure, it’s sexy, I suppose, but its just adorable watching the two of them. They’re so cute. Move them on to the Top 10!

Shankman picks up on what I was feeling…he just articulates it better, as he is Adam Shankman. Yes. Their samba was too sweet. But I think it was because they were having so much fun together. Maybe they’ll get dirty together after the show? Tomorrow night, Shakira will be on the show! 1980s British Hair needs Noelle to be more sexy like Shakira.

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Lyrical Jazz — SONYA TAYEH!!!!
Time Flies — Lykke Li

Awwwwww. I’m gonna miss Ashleigh and Jakob as a couple, too! Perhaps my pain will be dulled by yet a second appearance of the Original Queen of Awesome, Sonya Tayeh. Oh, how I just love her. And I don’t really see how Jakob & Ashleigh could do bad–they’re both incredible dancers–and combined with a Sonya number means PERFECTION. Phenomenal. She’s really one of the few people who can do lyrical jazz without causing me to roll my eyes at least once.

The only bad thing Shankman can say is about Jakob’s pants. Yeah…poor guy. Those are pretty damn wretched. 1980s British Hair takes a moment to profess his love for Sonya Tayeh. Sonya gets all misty eyed and I almost do, too.

(Why is Luke Wilson doing commercials for Verizon? Why are they already playing commercials for nooooooo AMERICAN IDOL??)

ETA: I fell asleep last night after no longer having the energy to carry on with this two-hour show. So now I’m catching the rest before I watch tonight’s results show–which I’m sure will piss me off.

Ryan Di Lello & Ellenore Scott
Broadway — Spencer Liff
Razzle Dazzle — Chicago (Original Broadway Cast)

You guys are awesome. This routine was great. It was soooooo Broadway, more so than most “Broadway” I’ve seen on the show. I love that these two are getting props. Once again, Adam Shankman steals my line, but come on, Shankman, Ryan was pretty awesome, too. Crazy Mary calls Ellenore an “It Girl”.

Legacy Perez & Kathryn McCormick
Viennese Waltz — Tony Meredith & Melanie Lapatin
Your Guardian Angel — The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I’m starting to really like these two. Their chemistry is so sweet and Kathryn looks gorgeous. Sometimes I think as if B-Boy Legacy tries too hard, but hey, at least’s he’s trying. Legacy finishes the dance in tears…of hope. This will probably get him a few votes.

Victor Smalley & Karen Hauer
Hip Hop — Laurieann Gibson
Moving Mountains — Usher

The judges clearly sent Victor (and possibly Karen) to the guillotine. Could it have been more obvious.

OH MY FUCKING HELL. WHAT ARE THOSE OUTFITS???

Nathan Trasoras & Mollee Gray
The Can Can — Tyce Diorio

Some things should not be done, like the can can on SYTYCD and allowing Moron Mollee to talk. This girl is dumb as rocks. I’m sure they will be hailed as DARING and SUPERB and all sorts of other nonsense. No one likes Moron Mollee. And few care for Nathan anymore, mainly because she probably brings him down.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Contemporary — Tyce Diorio
A Case of You — Diana Krall

These two are great. Noelle, I want to believe you no longer hang out with Moron Mollee because I’m really starting to like you, and if you drop that dopey dense digbat, I will like you so much more. I love these two. I think they could have, as my mother would say, a love connection.

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Cha Cha — Jean-Marc Généreux and France
Cha Cha Heels — Rosabel featuring Jeanine Tracy

Can these two DO any wrong? They’re fraking sick. Seriously sick. I love these two. Ashleigh pretty much gave Shakira a run for her money.

Spread the word. Do it.

Uh, hello? How awesome does Cat Deeley look? Anyone else wearing that dress would look like a baked potato in a casino buffet.

This week, we’re seeing baby photos/videos of the contestants…and the judges. Mary Murphy twirled a baton and Adam Shankman made muscle man poses during their youth.

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Hip Hop–Tabitha & Napoleon Dumo
Whatcha Say–Jason Derulo

I like these two. And when Jakob was a kid, he was chunky. The photo they show is awesome–it looks like something from Tim & Eric’s Awesome Show.

The uber-popular hip hop remake of Imogen Heap’s song will always remind me of SNL’s Digital Short spoofing The OC. How can it not? This routine is about a cheating man. Jakob over-emotes, but it works. They do this kick ass flip move . I like it. Not so sure about the giant “text messages” looming in the background. NappyTabs are good people.

1980s British Hair thinks Jakob will make the Top 10 and that Ashleigh has grown at a much faster pace than he ever imagined. When Mary talks, I wonder if she has a hearing problem. Homegirl never uses the microphone. She just yells. Shankman tells Ashleigh he didn’t believe in her, but he has now seen the light.

(Didn’t they say Ellenore was next? Or did I imagine this?)

Karen Hauer & Kevin Hunte
Broadway–Spencer Liff
If My Friends Could See Me Now–Sweet Charity (2005 Broadway Revival Cast)

Karen & Kevin had a rough time of it in rehearsals, as Broadway dancing is more difficult than it looks. They’re dancing to the Kathie Lee Gifford for Carnival Cruises song. Hip Hop dancer Kevin impresses me with his ability to be super light on his feet. While I’m a fan of Karen and she maintains a fun and playful demeanor throughout the routine, she doesn’t do as much for me as Kevin does in this routine. Overall, I found the routine a bit underwhelming.

1980s British Hair may have been thinking the same thing. He didn’t enjoy cute & cuddly Karen–he prefers sexy & smoldering Karen. However, he thinks she brought more humor to the performance than Kevin. The other judges agree. And Kevin has really sparkly shoes.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Fox Trot–Eddie Simon
Baby (You’ve Got What It Takes)–Michael Buble

Is choreographer Eddie Simon wearing a rug or is this just a bad angle or a bad hair day?

I like Noelle and Russell, even though I think Noelle is BFF with Mollee Moron. This routine marks the first time they can actually fox trot on stage together, as Noelle’s injury forced Russell to dance with choreographer Melanie Lapatin when they originally drew the fox trot during the Top 20 week.

Michael Buble’s music does nothing for me. Russell and Noelle are almost too controlled, perhaps? But I don’t know much about the doc trot. I think they have “nice lines”, though, and I think they have an adorable chemistry together.

The judges all love it, mainly because Noelle is a cute and wholesome white girl and Russell is an affable black dude with dreads–a SYTYCD power couple! On a side note–Mary’s drink looks as its barely been touched and I don’t think it was refilled during the commercial break. Boo Mary Murphy! Drink faster!

(We’re almost halfway through with the show and still no Moron Mollee. Do her and Nathan always get to dance as in one of the final spots?)

Channing Cooke & Victor Smalley
Jazz–Tyce DiOrio
Blackbird–Bobby McFerin

I like Channing. Wow. I have a photo of my niece wearing a very similar cat costume when she was 4. Little kids dance recitals make me ill. And all the makeup! Yikes. It’s just not right. Tyce Diorio doesn’t seem to be particularly bitchy this week. I only like him when he’s not bitchy. Hmmm…he gets a little bitchy, but almost in a fun way. I bet he’s getting laid. He strikes me as someone whose mood depends on whether or not he is getting any.

Channing and Victor get to play around in a birdcage. They’re quite good, actually. I don’t understand why Channing isn’t the pimped out “bubbly blond” when she’s so much more likable and charming over the beloved Moron Mollee. And Victor is great, too. The song, meh, but the routine (and pecking) was good stuff.

1980s British Hair says Channing never looked like she enjoyed herself until now. Oh, come on. He also tries to bring Victor down by telling him he’s already awesome but needs to grow more. I am annoyed. I like these two. And they deserve to be on the show much, much, much more than Moron Mollee & Nathan AND Mary Murphy’s earrings. (OMG. Why is she not drinking? So not fun. She is so boring and scripted, so subdued, when sober.)

Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez
Paso Doble–Tony Meredith
Pursuit–Ka (Cirque du Soleil soundtrack)

It turns out Kathryn’s mother ran a dance studio, so Kathryn has been stuck on stage her entire life. Legacy was a rebellious child whose father bribed him to dance with him at family parties. During rehearsals for Meredith’s paso doble from hell, Legacy’s pants rip.

Legacy is dancing sans shirt. This should be good for a few votes, right? I think its fairly good, if a bit over dramatic. Legacy and Kathryn seem to be giving it their all, as apparent in their very intense facial expressions.

This is the best I’ve seen Kathryn dance and hell, Legacy doesn’t even lose his once the dancing stops. The judges are into it. And Mary is still not drinking her cocktail.

Some segment on Dizzy Feet…which I would think was cool if it didn’t involve Katie Holmes. I can’t support anything with a $cientologist’s name attached to it, sorry guys.

(Well, well, well. Down to the final two dances…and look what couple is GOING LAST?? You’ve got to be kidding me.)

Ellenore Scott & Ryan Di Lello
Contemporary–Travis Wall
Your Ex-Lover’s Dead–Stars

The son of ballroom dancers, Ryan was forced to spend his youth in bunny ears. This is by far the best music of the night. Cheesy background, yes, but great song. I like these two and do not want to see them go home. Both of them are powerful, the dancing is very strong–especially considering the number of lifts in the routine.

The judges like it. 1980s British Hair even says Ryan is the best ballroom dancer to ever do contemporary. Mary gushes over former contestant/choreographer Travis Wall. If crazy Mary was properly drunk, she would stick them on the HOT TAMALE TRAIN. Dumb bitch is saving that shit for Moron Mollee & New Moon Nathan. Wait…wait…she’s tearing up…do it, Mary, do it…put them on the train. Walking on tall cotton is not the same as the hot tamale train.

Mollee Gray & Nathan Trasoras
Hip Hop Jazz–Lorianne Gibson
Bad Romance–Lady Gaga

Moron Mollee says she was a complete diva when she was growing up. Jesus christ, I hate this dumb kid. Their routine is choreographed by the chick with the pink headphones. I totally remember her. She’s cool, but now that we’re end at the show I realize that it is yet another week without the awesome Sonya Tayeh.

I actually love Bad Romance. Not a Gaga fan, but I fraking love this song. So it totally disappoints me these idiots are dancing to it. Honestly, they’re just not that good. Mollee is way too young to convey anything but teenage emotion to anything, and the same is partially true for Nathan, although I prefer him to Moron Mollee. This whole routine is completely dull. There were no wow moments. It was like two children playing dressup.

1980s British Hair tells them they were soooo much better than last week. Perhaps, but that’s not saying much. I have no idea why 1980s British Hair is blowing smoke up her ass by complimenting her on her commitment and talent. Oh for frak’s sake. I have no understand why Nathan’s maturity is called out but Moron Mollee is praised. And then Crazy Mary calls them the dream team. This is absolutely ridiculous. I know I can’t be the only person who thinks these kids suck. At least Shankman gives them a bit of criticism…but not really…

Sigh…this is just stupid. Why am I still watching this crap?

THE RESULTS SHOW!!!

See, SYTYCD producers & judges? America hates Mollee and Nathan! That’s why they landed in the BOTTOM 3. And yes, Mollee (dressed like a streetwalker) had a great solo, but sending home Channing [over Karen] on the basis of personality was stupid. Is showing personality acting like an idiot? Because Moron Mollee flits about like a 9-year-old, which I find neither charming nor “personable.” Alas. Sad to see Channing go. And then the judges sent Kevin home because the dreadlocked Russell will fill the black quotient for the Top 10.

Spread the word. Do it.

Group Dance — Warrior Pt. 2 (Lloyd Banks) — Choreographed by Dave Scott

The group routine begins with Russell, naturally, as a man with dreadlocks is more warrior-esque than the other dudes. The dancers are doing their thing in front of a MAYAN TEMPLE backdrop. You would think with the money the Fox network brings in, they could spring for more than your garden-variety screensavers package. When will they do a routine in front of the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG?

Is it just me, or is the group routine always in a similar genre of the strongest dance of that week’s competition (i.e., Russell and Noelle’s Afro Jazz number from last night). Makes one wonder how it’s all planned.

Tonight is the first night where the audience decides who goes home. I’m hoping America decided to give Moron Mollee her rightfully-earned don’t let the door hit you on the way out moment while I also ponder why Crazy Mary Murphy isn’t the national spokesmodel for Cache.

Mary Murphy : Cache :: Debbie Phelps : Chico’s

The first three couples, starting with Ellenore and Peter, who were savaged for last night’s Lil C hip hop routine. These two are probably in the most danger because a) Ellenore is tan and America favors cute-as-a-button blond white girls, just ask Nancy Grace. Every time one of them dies, her ratings go sky high (That bitch and $cientologist whacko Greta van Sustersen made the Missing White Woman Syndrome borderline pandemic); and b) Little girls love Nathan and SYTYCD can’t stop pimping Mollee Moron, and while they sucked more than any other couple last night, they will probably be spared (Well, we can keep Nathan. Just give him another partner.) Also in danger are Pauline & Peter, who danced in the middle of the show, and perhaps Kevin and Karen, who got mad props but had the disadvantage of going first. I would also add Kathryn & Legacy into this group, but Legacy goes by the name Legacy and people eat that shit up.

Big surprise, Ellenore & Peter are in the bottom 3.

Channing Cooke & Viktor Smalley go next. While Stacey Tookey’s contemporary routine to Rachael Yamagata’s Be Be Your Love lacked the emotional punch of say, a Mia Michaels–or Sonya Tayeh (Where are you, Sonya???)–routine about toxic relationships, it was still strong. They’re up against Legacy & Katelyn, who will probably be safe, as people like dudes with quirky self-given names. OH WAIT. Cat Deeley played a trick on everyone. Both couples are safe! Jesus christ, how is Cat Deeley not even nominated for the bullshit Emmy for Best Reality TV Host. She dances circles around that game show-voiced loser who hosts that has-beens & Olympic-Gold-Medal-Winners-Not-Named-Phelps ballroom dancing shit, and the bastard who does Survivor, he and John Mayer should really be forced to eat each others testes in some tribal challenge, because on occasion, they nearly make Karl Rove seem charming.

Some guy from season 3 with skunk hair named Dominic Sandoval does results show filler by having those waiting in the holding pen outside the studio before the taping(s) dance. I ignore this at first, until I realize I’ve been in that same area during Top Idol’s Big Fraking American Idol Adventure this past April (and don’t forget Part 2 and Part 3!) Many Glamberts who watch this shit will assume Dominic is trying to look like their lord, christ & savior because they don’t realize there are tens of thousands of glittery gays with prep school-esque blazers & dyed spikey hair roaming the streets of L.A. because the bus that took them past all the stars’ homes never went down Melrose Ave.

Ashleigh & Jakob better not be in the Bottom 3. This will bother me. Yay! Ashleigh, Jakob and all their pearly-white chompers are SAFE!

Pauline & Peter are up next. I assume they will be the next couple in the Bottom 3 because the Quickstep always equals death, although the judges’ praise for character development could keep them in, HOWEVER, they are standing next to Noelle & Russell, who SIMPLY CANNOT be on the verge of near-elimination, as they were allowed into the bar car of Crazy Mary’s Hot Tamale Train. And since we haven’t thrown anyone into the pit in the last 10-15 minutes, I’m going to go with Pauline and Peter. And now I’m pissed because I remembered their Sean Cheesman-choreographed routine was about a princess and a frog, therefore SYTYCD totally missed the opportunity to use the ULTIMATE STOCKFROG backdrop.

Naturally, I am correct. Because Pauline & Peter did the quickstep, and she is ethnic and he is white. White women are threatened of tan gals with their white men, especially Asian chicks. Oh yeah, and they did the quickstep.

Crazy Mary Murphy has gone kooky with the Botox. Silly Mary, you can’t put it in your cheeks and smile lines, that’s what Juvaderm is for! You need to stop injecting it after those dates with Captain Morgan, because sweetie…

You don’t really want to look like The Joker circa 1989 now, do you?

Karen & Kevin vs. Moron Mollee & Nathan
Once again, TBTB are saving Moron Mollee for last. Because they are deluded enough to believe she has fans. That’s why they stuck her with the little boy who little girls will squee over. Karen & Kevin were sort of sloppy, but they were still great…especially in comparison to Moron Mollee & Nathan who looked like they just stepped out of an 8th Grade Cotillion class.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Look how retarded Moron Mollee’s hair looks. That is NOT how one does the side-swept braid. I still like Nathan, but am disturbed by the deliberate emo blowout he’s sporting.

Mollee is way too young to be samba-ing sexily (Nathan may be, too.), as one can tell from her expression at the end of that shit routine. And because little girls love Nathan–he looks like one of those werewolf idiots in those lame ass vampire books/movies, Karen & Kevin are ROYALLY SCREWED. At least 1980s British Hair breaks it down, although he really should have called out Moron Mollee for immaturity and overall suckitude. Karen & Kevin are visibly pissed. I know Karen wants to shank that bitch Mollee, hell, I’ll sneak her the shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake, for chrissake.

These are your 6 losers. Please note all of the females are non-white.

This week’s soloist shows up and starts out by voguing a la Benny Ninja, reminding me I still have Ty-Ty’s Weekly Shit Fest to recap this evening. I don’t get his name because I am mesmerized by the melodically posh lilt in the Goddess Cat Deeley’s voice.

A female dancer shows up. She has great legs, which I assume is because she is a professional dancer. You can’t put one over on me! Another girl shows up. This routine is all about OMG A LOVE TRIANGLE. And as I had also correctly assumed, they are part of Alvin Ailey’s dance company. When in doubt, always assume Alvin Ailey.

DANCING FOR THEIR LIVES!!!

Ellenore goes first and dances to uh, a song called Eleanor by Alexa Woodward because it is her name, even if it is spelled differently. I don’t like Ellenore’s leotard-top thingy. But I do swoon when Cat Deeley calls her sweet pea.

Ryan is next, doing some swing/ballroom/flips (borrowing Peter’s GI outfit from the night before, I assume) to Jump With My Baby by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. He has a nice smile. I hope his wife Ashleigh doesn’t dump him if he gets booted before her. We don’t need two broken marriages at the hands of So You Think You Can Dance.

Pauline grooves to Took The Night by Chelley. She is much sexier than Moron Mollee can ever hope to be. There’s a commercial break, and I realize I love the Boost Mobile commercial with the cannibalistic pigs. I am bored. Very bored. Oskar is bored. Very bored.

Peter gets to tap. The tap dancers have been picked off one by one. Peter can do crazy shit on his tippy-toes. I am impressed, even though he finishes with some bizarro facial expressions during his final gyrations.

Karen is ready to smolder to Celia y Tito. I don’t believe Karen has referred to herself as a fiery latina, which endears me to her, especially since Karen and I are going to be close friends and I’m going to sneak her that shank in a freshly-baked Devil’s Food cake. And then the music kind of makes me sad because I have a horrible feeling Jennifer Lopez will try and star in a Celia Cruz biopic sometime in the near future. Yup. Karen smolders. There is no reason she should have been in the Bottom 3. Cat Deeley agrees with me by proclaiming it’s not even right…how gorgeous you are. She recovers as to not let on that she agrees with myself and Karen, and how it’s not even right Karen is in the Bottom 3 over Moron Mollee.

Kevin is next. Kevin (dancing to I Question Mark by Wade Robson) should also be pissed he is dancing for his life. Meanwhile, I wonder why Wade Robson has decided to record music and if Britney Spears would have turned out any better had she not cheated on Justin Timberlake with Wade Robson, causing the end of their relationship and triggering her (inevitable) descent into batshit crazy. And then I wonder if Justin Timberlake would have made bad music and not good music, or if he ever would have been funny on SNL if they stayed together longer than they had. And then I realize how thankful I am I don’t read US Weekly or Perez Hilton because for someone who could give a rat’s ass about celebrity gossip, I still know these things. And it frightens me. Back on topic — I like Kevin. I like crumpers because they have the power to awe me. Contemporary dancers rarely do that. All they do is roll around on the floor, leap a few times, and offer looks of sadness and longing, punctuated by reaching out to the audience at key intervals.

JUDGMENT TIME

Ellenore is gone. And probably Peter, because they keep killing off the tappers. But 1980s British Hair is pissed because they think all the soloists sucked. 1980s British Hair tells Karen she is intimidating to young voters because she is so smoldering. Well, hey, sometimes we want to watch adults dance. Not children. And Ellenore, well, contemporary is often boring. However, the axe is gonna fall on Pauline. She is conventional and classroom-y. 1980s British Hair says they will let her leave the competition. Well…what if she doesn’t want to go? Bye bye, Pauline. It should have been MORON MOLLEE.

It makes me even sadder when Cat Deeley celebrates Pauline’s time on the show in such a sweet way, especially because Pauline looks like a midget standing next to the Goddess. And if we know two things I love, it’s midgets and Cat Deeley.

When the guys come up, 1980s British Hair brings up Ade for the second time. That’s because everyone loves Ade…and Ade’s Pick!!! They decide to keep Kevin (everyone likes dueling black male street dancers!) and sacrifice yet another tapper…and ensure everyone else keeps the same partners next week.

And once again…the quickstep equals death.

Spread the word. Do it.

I barely remember these people and don’t even know who they booted last week since my Tivo boycotted all Fox programming on Thursday night for whatever reason. Mollee Moron and her adorable jailbait partner, Nathan, are still there. There is no Ade and his pick. Or Jeanine. They made last season bearable. Or Katee, Twitch, Courtney or Joshua. In fact, every week I just sort of think they’re all going to reappear, and this show will be as great as I remember it was in the summer of 2008.

Who the hell designs Crazy Mary Murphy’s wardrobe? Because I’ve seen that shit in every Old Time Photo shack across the U.S. of A. Season 5 is in the audience and I momentarily get excited…except Ade is SANS PICK and he’s sitting next to Powder. This is the part when I tell myself Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole are battling each other for my affections and will both arrive my window and woo me during the next rainstorm.

Karen Hauer & Kevin Hunte
Maria Torres — Disco
Come to Me (France Joli)

Ok. Um…TMI? Karen auditioned with her husband, who was cut in Vegas. They had been having problems for awhile but trying out for a reality dance show did not fix these issues. Not long after they went back home, their marriage was donezo. Well, I guess that sucks, but I never saw you guys together except in expertly edited footage from a few auditions so I really have no opinion on the matter. See, when your marriage is in trouble, don’t try for a babyfriend or try out for a reality TV show.

Did anyone else catch the deliberate poetic irony of the final scene from the rehearsal footage? Kevin leaves the room while Karen says, I guess I’ll just dance by myself. Someone with a camera must have gone to film school, me thinks. Metaphor! Karen and Kevin take the stage dressed as grapes. The dance is kind of sloppy, like a table Liza Minnelli and Bianca Jagger were sitting at in Studio 54. The rich are always careless with their blow. Adam Shankmann and Crazy Mary love their routine. I guess 1980s British Hair does, too. They know more about dance than I do, and while it was good, some parts of it still seemed…sloppy.

I’m bored. Oskar is bored. I think I have the pig flu. Moving on…

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Mandy Moore — Contemporary
Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)

Ashleigh is a NERD. She even interned for a senator. Ashleigh is my new favorite because I always favor the intelligent types who have sensible fall-back careers AND brains. Jakob is as queer as $3 bill and BFF with Jeanine Mason. They may be my new favorite couple. They are also dancing with a cane to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. YES SIR!!! WE HAVE A WINNER.

I wish Ashleigh was wearing a different blouse. It does not fit with the look of the entire piece or the couple’s routine. Fashion-wise, with the pirate blouse, they were going for a ringmaster vibe, I think, but it sort of came off more as an over-the-top rich bitch at the stables look than avant garde circus. However, they have some fun with the cane and as I mentioned before, Ashleigh is wicked smart and Jakob is BBF with Jeanine, therefore I LOVE THEM!!!

Shankman noticed what I saw–he almost dropped her. YES! Apparently, I have a keener eye than 1980s British Hair. They recovered nicely, though, and I love them. Crazy Mary yells some positive shit. Homegirl needs another drink and a Cochlear implant.

(On a side note, is it just me or does this Natalie Portman-Tobey McGuire-Jake Gyllenhaal Brothers movie look so damn stupid? You kind of wonder because of the cast, but…they’ve had some duds and I dunno, this just looks terrible.)

Pauline Mata & Peter Sabasino
JT & Tomas — Quick Step (OH NOEZZZ!!!)
Hey Baby (Shake those Hula Hips) — Big Kahuna & the Copa Cat Pack

Peter volunteers with special dancers. This will make it impossible to hate Peter. Ever. Pauline brags about eating all the time and not gaining any weight. I can’t really hate on Pauline for whatever reason, even though Peter totally kicked her ass on their little “things you don’t know about me segment”. Pauline can eat a lot of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Peter helps the mentally disabled find newfound confidence.

JT & Tomas have choreographed some big band-esque, 1940s number involving the quick step and hip shaking. The quick step always bores me to tears, even though I clearly understand the technicality necessary to pull one off succesfully. The Hawaiian beach at sunset background is hilarious. I am hoping the hilarity is intentional.

I think that was cute. I should have paid a bit more attention, but I’m trying to finish up some work-work. Shankman also finds it adorable. Everyone screws up the quickstep. They often get eliminated. The quickstep is the kiss of death on this show. Shankman goes on and on about their performance, how it was adorable and charismatic. This doesn’t seem to bode well, but Crazy Mary thinks they pulled it off…sort of. She’s calmer now because her drink has been refilled. In her defense, she agrees the only train during the quickstep is a trainwreck. 1980s British Hair thought the storyline made the quickstep more accessible to the audience. He is probably right.

Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez
Andy Blankenbuekler — Broadway
I Wanna Be Like You (Swingin’ Fireballs)

Crying girl Kathryn has an annoying voice, which often bugs me. She also goes on mission trips. Ugh. Can’t we just go help people in other countries NOT in the name of that Jesus person? Legacy was going to be a professional football/soccer player when he grew up. I don’t think anyone is going to top Peter dancing with the special kids or Karen getting divorced after Vegas week.

I am intrigued by their choreographer. He looks like a rockabilly drunk who is fun until he gets belligerent around 1:30am. I bet he drinks whiskey and rolls his own cigarettes. His last name is ridiculous.

Their outfits and the set are adorably retro. I’ve always wanted to swing dance and spend a few months in the early 1960s. Maybe work at an ad agency…but not as a secretary. I want to have a swinging bachelor pad. I don’t care if I’m a girl. I want a swinging bachelor pad, dammit! I really have no complaints or criticism about the routine. Shankman also gets to say adorable for like the 15th time tonight, but he wanted Kathryn to be more of a maneater, as the Jungle Book song suggests. Come on! Kathryn is all innocence and mission trips. I don’t know if she can do that sort of thing…

The judges basically tell Legacy they want to hump his leg, but Kathryn is a big ol’ disappointment. 1980s British Hair calls her juvenile…come on…she’s not as bad as Mormon Moron Mollee! Does she have a pimp spot again this week? I can’t take the constant shoving of her down our poor throats.

Channing Cooke & Victor Smalley
Stacey Tookey — Contemporary
Be Be Your Love (Rachael Yamagata)

Victor used to be goth. He even looked authentically goth, not that Hot Topic shit. I think Adam Lambert stole his look? Channing (GO MASSACHUSETTS!) was a lawnmower racer. They’re doing a routine about a toxic relationship. Hot Topic is toxic.

Ok. Let’s just stop here. Their routine is to one of my FAVORITE SONGS. YESSSSS. Everyone needs to download Rachael Yamagata because she is phenomenal, and holy hell, her Duet with Ray LaMontagne is so fraking gorgeous. Anyway, I already know I will love this routine, even with the white rose  & falling petal background that’s straight out of a Summer’s Eve commercial. It’s beautiful. It delivers everything Stacey Tookey promised.

Shankman finds their new partnership reinvigorating. Crazy Mary and 1980s British Hair thought they were technically beautiful, but they weren’t blown away emotionally. Whatevia.

Ellenore Scott & Ryan Di Lello
Lil C — Hip Hop
Lost Boiz Anthem (Tha J Squad)

Ellenore has six different ethnic backgrounds. Ryan is an extreme sports junkie. But who cares? LIL C IS IN DA HOUSE! I love Lil C. I even follow him on Twitter. Lil C hopes they find their swagger, as Ryan is a trained ballroom dancer. Homeboy needs swagger. Not samba. At least not this week.

Ellenore and Ryan play hippity-hoppin’ bank robbers. Gangsta phresh homies, yo. Lost Boiz Anthem has shades of my beloved Dubstep. I would bet $20 I’ve heard this before while using a port-a-potty in the middle of Black Rock City. They make me want to have swagger. I wonder if I could hip hop dance. I thought they did quite well. They swagged. I want to swagg. I have ever since all the black girls tried teaching me the snake and how to double-dutch on the playground and my lack of coordination prevented me from ever picking up either. Oh, the memories of childhood we forever keep.

Shankman is impressed with Ryan’s swagger. I guess they only had a few hours to rehearse? Not sure why that is…did someone else get maimed and I missed it? Crazy Mary plays all unimpressed, says it was just good. 1980s British Hair does not think there was any swagger. He thinks it was horrible. I should have paid attention more. Nigel says they both failed and that they’re “too sweet” for Lil C’s hip hop. I want Shankman and 1980s British Hair to argue as there is an obvious disagreement between the two. Whoa. 1980s British Hair just won’t stop with his THIS SUCKED. Of course, the GODDESS CAT DEELEY turns around and says to Ryan & Ellenore

In a weird way, he’s also saying, You’re too nice.

I love our fair goddess Cat. She is always trying to stay so positive for the kiddies. LOVE HER.

Yuck. Moron Mollee & Nathan are going second to last. I recall them going last when I watched 2 weeks ago…come on now, stop it. I know the little girls like Nathan because he resembles one of those Twilight people. They are the chosen couple. Don’t even play, 1980s British Hair, don’t even play.

Mollee Gray & Nathan Trasoras
Gustavo Vargas — Salsa
Quimbara (Celia Cruz & Johnny Pacheco)

Why are we forced to see baby photos of this nitwit? COME ON. I don’t want to know anything about you, you irritating twit. And I still don’t like you, and I won’t feel sorry for you because you’re deaf in your left ear. Nathan is big into jet skiing (it’s WAVE RUNNING, dammit). I really hope Moron Mollee fails miserably at being “sexy” and “mature” this week. I want to kill her when she yells they will do MUY BUENO. Someone get her a muzzle. Oh christ, she says she is going to become SEXY-FIED MOLLEE. Shoot me now.

When they appear on stage, she looks like a complete moron. Awkward. Nathan can almost pull it off, hell, he looks more salsa than this twin could ever hope. She may be able to nail some of the technical stuff, but there is nothing sexy about it. Her facial expressions are ridiculous. This is a child playing dress-up. Sorry, but that salsa was decidedly mild.

YAY! Shankman hated it. Hated it. He calls it bad luck of the draw, but that’s just code for HATED IT. He even uses the word awkward (see above) and says it exposes all of their weaknesses. Oh, stop trying to tell everyone how they’re fan favorites and how they’ve been fantastic every other week. Keep Nathan. Lose Moron Mollee.

No, it wasn’t sexy-fied…It was french fried, I’m afraid.

Oh, Crazy Mary. I love your madness sometimes. And I fully support your need to wash down those french fries with a cool refreshing glass of Captain Morgan with a splash of Diet Coke.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Sean Cheesman — African Jazz
Frog Dance — Mickey Hart & Planet Drum

Noelle loves her brother. Russell is a talented artist — sketching, drawing, that sort of thing. I don’t know how Noelle & Russell have no clue what African Jazz is. I’m a little white girl from St. Louis. I figured it out. Choreographer is handsome in a if-Phil-Ivey-were-a-dancer kind of way.

I really wish Debbie Allen was judging tonight. I think she might just LOVE this. I’m pretty damn impressed. Way to end the show on a high note. Noelle & Russell as strong, the way they’re able to lift one another and flip the other over, yes, but they’re also just strong dancers. Yup. Definitely impressed. Great routine and they nailed it.

The judges find it joyful. There is characterization and storylines. The audience can identify! I bet Crazy Mary puts them on her Hot Tamale Train, since no one has been allowed aboard tonight, but that’s only because Crazy Mary hasn’t had time to lock up the booze (she has to keep a backup supply!) in the bar cart yet. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH. She’s screaming CRAZY GOOD. The booze on the hot tamale train is now secure. Let them board, Mary, let them board. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH CAN YOU HEAR IT NIGEL??

All aboard the Hot Tamale Train for Russell and Noelle. Quick! Grab a drink before the booze runs out. If you get lucky, you may even be allowed into Mary’s secret booze locker. Well, just wait until she passes out and gently take the key from her bra (don’t feel her up, just grab the key, ya sicko!). You know Crazy Mary Murphy keeps the key to her booze closet in her bra as well as you know your own name, so don’t even play like this surprises you.

Spread the word. Do it.

They’re even showing Jeanine and Evan first, you see, because they’ve already determined their final two — Kayla and Brandon.

Powder is getting too big of an ego for someone who wears vintage Contempo Casuals. This girl is a walking Rave sale rack, circa 1991. She’s shaking it on stage like she already won the whole damn thing. I really hope Jeanine “accidentely” whacks her in the face again.

Anyhoo, let’s get on with the show. Adam Shankmann is in the house and Mary Murphy is wearing an evening gown, which she only does when there it’s a special night at Miss Kitty’s Saloon.

I think I want to spend the entire night bashing Powder and whatever cheap outfit she is wearing.

Top 4
Boys Boys Boys (Lady GaGa)
Wade Robson

Wade Robson has created some sort of cheerleading routine. Football players and cheerleader. They allow Powder to speak and she has to sound out the word en-ter-tain because its well, it’s a big word, ya know?

Jeanine herkeys better than Powder. The only thing Powder has working for her in this routine is that she looks more like a trampy cheerleader. Well, this routine was just…ok. I kind of expected more from Wade Robson, didn’t you?

Now onto filler material chronicling five whole seasons of SYTYCD.

Jeanine & Evan
Contemporary — Sonya Tayeh
Heartbreaker (MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend)

Jeanine misses Ade and Ade’s Pick. As do I. Evan says Jeanine has a violent side. HA. Nah, she’s just sick of having to live with Powder. I love Jeanine and Sonya (Evan is cool, too, but I want Jeanine and Sonya, and Cat Deeley, of course, to be my new best girlfriends.)

Hands down, Sonya picks the best music used on the show. While I’m not sure if I think Evan deserves to be in the Top 4, I do really like the kid. He seems to have an almost supernatural ability to face whatever challenges come his way as a dancer, rises to the occasion and takes it to the next level when he is paired with a “stronger dancer” than himself. He’s got moxy. So does Jeanine. Jeanine is basically the co-queen of moxy (the other ones being Sonya and Cat).

I like this dance because it flaunts both Evan and Jeanine’s strength. I don’t think another dancer on this show has been as adaptable to different styles or partners as Jeanine.

Shankmann says he never saw Jeanine coming, and never saw Evan in the Top 4, but now he pretty much bites his tongue. He thinks Evan is the molehill who became the mountain on the show. And we get to see Sonya in the audience. I love watching Sonya bask in the glow of her peers’ words and a well-done routine by her dancers. Crazy Mary thought Evan and Jeanine would be good partners (i.e., she wants Brandon and Powder to be in the Top 2). 1980s British Hair thinks Evan can’t be thrown around on stage anymore tonight…uh, wasn’t that the point of the routine, which I think he gets but hey…at least he calls out how AWESOME Jeanine is and how great she has become while on the show.

Brandon Bryant
Dies Irae (Karl Jenkins)

Brandon misses Janette. I kind of do, too. Would rather have her around than Powder/the lost Dollanganger sister. Brandon thinks Mia gave him tough love. I think she was just working a good story line.

I want my name on a big screen like this and I want to dance in front of it. Just because. It looks like something everyone should do at least once.

Brandon flops around dramatically. The guy is talented, super intense. It’s actually kind of insane. This show makes me want to go to the gym. The judges cream themselves over Brandon. Crazy Mary sobs, but I’m just thankful they extended the shot to FINALLY show the judges’ beverages. Just give Brandon the title already, while he’s no Twitch or Joshua, we all know he’s going to win…unless they have mandated a female dancer this year?

NOOOOOO! Brandon and Powder will be dancing a Broadway Tyce routine. I think I may actually not fast forward through this commercial break, but go to my bathroom and readily apply some Jergen’s Natural Glow.

Brandon & Kayla
Broadway — Tyce DiOrio
Bye Bye Love (All That Jazz)

I love seeing how Powder-y Kayla looks when standing next to a person of color. The simple things in life are what make me laugh, and the look on Brandon’s face is priceless.

Once again, they allow Powder to talk and she has difficulty forming small words. My cat, Oskar, has a larger vocabulary than this chick.

This may be the gayest thing I have seen since walking home in the park near my house. Powder is wearing a Lady GaGa hand-me-down and Brandon is donning a smoking jacket found at Elton John’s last yard sale.

They did some impressive as all hell flip-turn, oh I don’t know what to call it, but he rotated Powder about 360 degrees while she was in the splits. Yes, even I was impressed by that one. Of course, I still totally loathe Powder, even though I love watching her family in the audience. I wish they had a different daughter.

BAD SHANKMANN BAD!!! He says those are the two he KNEW he would see in the Final 4. I like you Shankmann, stop blowing sunshine up Powder’s ass. Maybe you should say, start blowing sunshine over the rest of her so the idiot doesn’t look as if she just crawled out from a crypt at Calvary Cemetary.

All the judges cream themselves over those two, I’m not even going to dignify the rest because Crazy Mary is making my ears hurt and I’m sick of hearing about Powder. The basically are trashing Jeanine and Evan with their words of praise over Powder and Brandon.

Jeanine
Por Una Cabeza (The Tango Project)

Jeanine rocks. And Cat Deeley is actually an EXCELLENT interviewer. Love them both. Jeanine misses Jason, but I’m sure she misses Ade, Ade’s Pick and PHILLIP. Can’t wait until they’re all reunited tomorrow.

Jeanine is doing her solo to the song better known as the tango number in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. At least that’s how I know it. And I know translated into english it means for your head. Because I am SMART, just as Jeanine rocks. She also looks awesome. I think she brought Shankmann to tears, but she brought them all to their feet. They better eat their words about Powder after seeing this shit. Yes, indeed, it was a risky solo. And, yes…SHE KILLED IT. Hell, Shankmann is almost making me get misty eyed at this point (which I also blame on PMS, see the brownie batter, need to see chick flick from last evening.)

Crazy Mary claims she knew how brilliant Jeanine was since the beginning. I don’t buy it, however, I do agree with her “peaking at the right time”. 1980s British Hair says she’ll be in the Final 2, which I think is all bullshit because he pulled that shit on Ade last week and he and Ade’s Pick are now sitting in the audience. I think he just wants people to “think” she will be there…it’s all part of the evil plan.

Brandon & Evan
Laurieann Gibson
Nasty (Janet Jackson)

Why is the choreographer wearing headphones during her interview? Yes, I undersand this is a fashion statement of sorts, but I do not believe she is a DJ and well, she’s getting interviewed. She does not need headphones.

White Guy v. Black Guy! So timely! Let’s BEER SUMMIT over this next dance.

Well, at least they cleared one Jackson’s songs. This song takes me back to the 8th grade, which really is not a pleasant place to return. It still is a kick ass song, though. The dance is kind of fun, very Bad-esque, no? But you know what would make Evan look tougher? A SHANK.

Hey, I like these guys. They’re fun…and they’re better than POWDER.

(On an unrealted note, I can hear Paul McCartney singing Yesterday from my living room right now. It’s the next best thing to being at the show. And the Tivo is on pause and I am staring at the moon. What is wrong with me? I think I just shared a moment with myself.)

Evan can totally dance on his toes, indicating ample ballet training, I think? I don’t know. I’ve never been a dancer. But I could have been, oh I COULD HAVE BEEN A DANCER. (Just kidding.) Shankmann thought Evan didn’t do too hot, leading to the inevitable pimping of Brandon, although I must agree the guy looks like too much of a sweetheart to pull such nastiness off.

Evan, what’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

BRING CRAZY MARY ANOTHER COCKTAIL! STAT! BRING MAMA A COCKTAIL! If it weren’t for the stupid table contraption, I would totally be able to give everyone an ETA on where her beverage is at the moment.

Everyone thinks Brandon outdanced Evan and he is incapable of being Nasty. Cat Deeley doesn’t care. She loves them both. Cat Deeley loves all her dancers, why? Because Cat Deeley is a GODDESS.

Jeanine & Kayla
Mia Michaels — Contemporary

It’s kind of a journey we’ve been through in this competition and you’ve had to shed layers and go through different processes to make it where we are now.

Before you think Powder had an original & deep thought, think again. She totally repeated what Mia Michaels told her about the dance AND just proved she can’t use pronouns for shit. I don’t like the fact it seems Powder is in front once again (see Sonya’s routine from last week where she was championed for those “difficult moves”).

Jeanine and Powder are kind of off on some of their moves, but it almost seems deliberate in a way. This routine is also VERY underwhelming, plus Powder is in front and positioned in such an angle where she appears to be doing “more” than Jeanine. This also plays up to her “grabbing” of clothing, which is a common theme throughout Powder solos. Overall, I’m not excited about this performance and am worried Jeanine is going to have her ass handed to her when placed in a side-by-side comparison to the judges’ chosen one…which also happened last week, to an extent, to her and Melissa in the aforementioned Superheroes routine.

Definitely one of Mia Michaels’ weaker routines. Even Adam Shankmann had trouble saying he enjoyed it, although he covers well because he’s Adam Shankmann. Crazy Mary is just reciting stuff which was written for her, trying to infuse emotion into it, however, I still swear no one is feeling it — even if she says they’re the two strongest girls in the Final 4 EVER. Sorry, 1980s British Hair, it really wasn’t a memorable routine. Please don’t even compare it to Joshua and Twitch’s Trepak from last season. Although he does give credit for CALLING OUT JEANINE and not POWDER. HA HA HA. Suck it, Powder, suck it.

Evan
The Best is Yet to Come (Michael Buble)

I totally miss Evan’s bald brother. Oh Ryan, I hope you become a HUGE choreographer. Of course, you should know you can’t try out as brothers and expect to both make it during the same season, because that would just make American miss out on the faux-tension of making the Top 20. (Unrelated…I really, really, really want the shoes Cat Deeley was wearing during the interview.)

I wish Evan could dance to the classic original version of this song. I’ve just never been able to get into Michael Buble, even if they sell his music at Target (I love Target). I like Evan. I know he won’t win this thing but I think he proved enough just by making the Final 4, and hell, the kid has the best acrobatic ability of any James van der Beek doppelganger I’ve ever seen.

Shankmann recalls this routine was a variation on his audition piece, which he thinks was a calculated move which may have been risky, but it could pay off. Crazy Mary thinks he has excited millions of young people about his dance style of yore, because she really, really worries it could get lost. 1980s British Hair tears the poor kid down, tells him he hasn’t grown as a dancer. 1980s British Hair may have fired up a bunch of Evan fans…hmmm…

Evan & Kayla
Tony Meredith & Melanie LaPatin — Jive
T.R.O.U.B.L.E. (Travis Tritt)

YAY! The choreographers have found Powder’s weakness — her inability to get simple, basic moves a monkey could do in their cage. During the beginning of the rehearsal scene, I also could swear they were using Snow’s The Informer as the soundtrack.

Come on, Evan, DROP YOUR BIG WOMAN. Whoa. They’re doing a COUNTRY song? Please tell me this was the producers’ plan all along, to send off Powder on the Performance Finale (well…she is still the last solo…bastards) by putting her in an outfit most befitting?

Frankly, Powder can’t jive for shit. The moves are…christ, I wish I had proper dance training now because I would be better able to explain, but…there is something too STIFF about everything. Evan seems to feel the music, feel the moves and relaxes into it. With this song and this routine, it does not look bad. It works. There is a laid-back crispness to it, whereas Powder comes off as very jerky and slutty…obviously trying way too hard. (Granted, the sluttiness is kind of an element of the routine, but…her sluttiness was a bit TOO MUCH.) Each one of Powder’s moves are TOO dramatic and over-the-top for this routine.

Evan continues to deftly handle his big woman, but come on, she’s totally faltered with this routine. It may be safe to say she is a one-trick pony. Kayla Radomski. Game over.

Shankmann hates it. Crazy Mary uses it to bring Evan down, claiming Powder stole the show. Uh…Crazy Mary, stop drinking. Get off the Kayla train. Oh, and I have no idea what 1980s Britsh Hair was watching, but at least he was nicer to Evan again, whose name is chanted by the ENTIRE audience — moving him to tears, while Powder looks on waiting for more smoke to be blown up her ass. Let the guy have his moment, you annoying little wench. What? PERSONALITY? HER PERSONALITY WAS BEAUTIFUL TO SEE? She acted like a barroom hussy or a lot lizard with runaway bride eyes.

(Yes. Yes. I KNOW I am being ridiculously harsh on Ms. Radomski this evening, even more so than usual. Write me hate comments telling me I have a miserable life. Fine. I really don’t care. The girl bugs me and I didn’t want her in the Final 4, dammit! I didn’t! I admit it. I am still bitter about this season completely sucking in comparison to last year, which was the first time I had ever watched the show and…well…I just miss Twitch and Joshua and Katee and Courtney.)

Kayla
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These) Annie Lennox

Oh goody. Brandon and Jeanine are finishing things off this evening. The Goddess’ interview with Powder should be very eye opening, because she is a very deep girl. It’s a shame I absolutely love her grandparents, it almost makes me feel bad for calling her Powder and A Flower in the Attic. (Obviously, they would not be the grandparents who would keep their grandchild in the attic.) White Lightening. HA! I LOVE YOU DEBBIE ALLEN. Powder tries to sound all smart by talking about how much she loved her addiction piece, because you know, it like, OMG, spoke to people. Oh, and she just said she really knows how to reach out and pull people in. Conceited hussy.

Powder does her jerky moves all over the stage, kicks a lot, grabs at her Fredrick’s of Hollywood sale rack ensemble, dance is over.

Shankmann tries to explain to Powder that America hates her, but also calls her one of the best dancers they’ve ever seen on the show. Crazy Mary talks about her being touched by an angel and having some spirt about her. She clearly needs another drink. 1980s British Hair also acknowledges America hates her, but is nice about it. They all want everyone to love Powder, however, NO ONE DOES. Just like she had no idea what you meant when you used the word vociferous.

Jeanine & Brandon
Louis van Amstel — Paso Doble
Tetsujin (The Matrix)

Talk about personality. Jeanine. Jeanine has PERSONALITY. Louis van Beer loves Brandon and Jeanine together and I must say, what a way to end the evening — a Paso Doble set to The Matrix score? THESE ARE YOUR FINAL TWO DANCERS.

Seriously, watching Jeanine dance after a double dose of Powder just proves who is the superior female contestant. Jeanine never looks like she is trying too hard. Perhaps she does not have the extension of Powder, but that’s just one aspect. Jeanine is the total package. Powder should just go join The Rockettes.

The judges love it. Crazy Mary FINALLY sticks someone on the Hot Tamale Train! And it’s not Powder! 1980s British Hair starts saying all sorts of inappropriate things about Brandon being a race horse wanting to just get out of the stall and go after Jeanine and making him want to go after her, too. Apparently, hot flashes are epidemic because I think 1980s British Hair just had one, too…but hey, I can’t begrudge him, he did admit Brandon and Jeanine were the best of the night.

If you vote, you know what to do. Ade’s Pick wants you to VOTE FOR JEANINE!!!

(Wait…did they just say Evan’s Bald Brother will be in SEASON SIX???? YES!!!)

Spread the word. Do it.