17.29

Before we get started…

I may wanna cage fight if Jon Hamm DOES NOT win an Emmy for Season 4 of Mad Men. (Hello? Did you see “The Suitcase?”)

Just putting it out there.

17.32

FINE. I will turn on E! and watch this Red Carpet nonsense, even though I REFUSE to listen to Guliana Rancid discuss her fertility issues.

Mind blown. Meta. Ryan Seacrest interviewing Paula Abdul and  Nigel Lythgoe. She talked about blueberries and blue balls.

17.46

Looks like starlets are wearing red this year. Lea Michele should be banned from every red carpet, hell, even every red ribbon cutting at a Sonic Burger. Describing her as an obnoxious camera-hogging twat is way too kind.

Ladies in Red (Thus Far)
Lea Michele
Nina Dobrev (Vampire Diaries my ass. She will always be Toronto’s Teen Mother Model Wannabe Extraordinaire on Degrassi in my eyes.)
Angela Kinsey (RED? But is it from the American Girl store? Sometimes Gap Kids and LimitedToo are just a bit tawdry for The Office’s Anne Geddes-loving accountant.)
KATHY GRIFFIN (FINALLY. We needed some class around this place. I love you Kathy Griffin like I love Christina Hendrick’s magnificent chi-chis.)

17.47

Oh Thandie Newton. Not that we will ever meet, but if you are somehow cosmically connected to me in some unknown way, please forgive me for thinking Brooke Burke was you for about 5 seconds.

17.49

You know Christina Hendricks’ husband is hung like an elephant. Speak softly and carry a big stick, ya know?

18.00

FINALLY! We finally have REAL GLAMOUR. In the form of Parks & Recreation’s Retta and Aubrey Plaza, who both look GORGEOUS.

Now give me some Ron Swanson. Right now. I want Nick Offerman and Jon Hamm posing for the cameras. Is it that difficult? And then I want them to be the guests on the most-awesome-TV-show-EVER (in my own mind) all about Anthony Bourdain and Neil deGrasse Tyson traipsing the globe eating stuff and talking science.

18.03

Oooooh. Cara Buono is there! Dr. Blondie! Poor sweet Dr. Blondie who was unceremoniously dicked over for that younger, French-Canadian harpy by [my still beloved] Don Draper. Really hope we haven’t seen the last of her…or Rachel Menken. I don’t care if she’s on Sons of Anarchy now, she can fit a guest arc into her schedule.

18.29

Why Betty White will always be better than each and every one of you:

“I’m wearing a put-together from a little shop I like to call the back of my closet.”

18.37

Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing a Pucci half-shirt gown because she is just like you and me.

Sofia Vergara is gorgeous. She also refused to be Tom Cruise’s Scientology Slave. SHE IS AWESOME.

18.40

Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights) is also wearing red. Imagine if she won tonight? Imagine if FNL took home any Emmys? Would be too good to be true. It’s the one place where clear eyes and full hearts can lose.

18.46

Jennifer Westfield. Luckiest bitch in all the world. Jon Hamm. Wearing Tom Ford. Why are these beautiful people stuck chatting with Guliana Rancid?

OOOOH. Jon Hamm directed the Season 5 premiere of Mad Men.

18.55

Kate Winslet is wearing a very comfortable Ellie Saab dress. In red. Kate Winslet should have nary trouble picking up yet another heavy knick-knack for her English manor. (She’s nominated for the titular role in HBO’s mega-miniseries Mildred Pierce.)

18.57

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Kristen Wiig. Wearing Zac Posen. She’s looking kind of wrinkled and her favorite former SNL cast member was Phil Hartman. I almost want to like her and her awkwardness. But I don’t buy it. If that’s how she is out of character, she’s the same person as all of her characters, oh never mind…

YAY! Its almost 8pm! I can turn off this Red Carpet bullshit and the real show begins!

19.09

Leonard Nimoy doesn’t want Jane Lynch to tell everyone all people in TV live in one big building. Which is obviously the lead-in to…the ubiquitous musical medley mentioning all the major nominees.

Ok. Watching Rex Lee and Jeremy Piven (Entourage) doing limited choreography was kind of cute.

I’m a geek. So why do I think The Big Bang Theory sucks?

Randy Jackson tells Jane Lynch she’s a little bit pitchy, dawg. Yawn.

THANK YOU RON SWANSON! THANK YOU! And Ron Swanson could obviously only be followed by…MAD MEN! Mad Men talking about lesbians. Jane Lynch flirting with Elisabeth Moss. John Slattery trying to watch TV on a phone. All because Jane Lynch came from the future.

Jane Lynch battles alter ego Sue Sylvester. Thankfully this was almost painless.

Emmy Opener: C
Ron Swanson & Mad Men interlude(s): A

19.12

Yay! Meredith from The Office is part of “The Emmytones.” As is Tarij P. Henson. And…Wilmer Valderamma? Does that guy even work anymore? How’s he get this gig?

19.17

Jimmy Fallon + Jimmy Kimmel. Bit about finding Fallon’s secret speech if he were to win the Emmy for Best Talk Show Host tonight.

PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE NO WIIG.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jane Krakowski
Julie Bowen
Kristen Wiig
Jane Lynch
Sofia Vergara
Betty White

Interesting. Is Julie Bowen even funny? Shrill, yes, but funny? (Never really saw the appeal. Am I missing something?) Does it matter? She has a degree in Italian-Renaissance Studies to fall back on!

19.20

Can we give Julianna Margulies an award for not being as malnourished as Julie Bowen?

She’s presenting and she’s pretty damn funny. Makes sense. Poor girl always plays such serious roles.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING MALE ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Ty Burrell
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Jon Cryer
Chris Colfer
Ed O’Neil
Eric Stonestreet

Chances are, someone from Modern Family was gonna win it. And I now realize Ty Burrell is not the same guy who does home makeovers. Probably should catch this show one of these days…

19.31

One of my favorite TV atheists is Ricky Gervais. Glad Jane Lynch’s post-Gervais bombed.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR COMEDY SERIES
Pamela Fryman (How I Met Your Mother)
Gail Mancuso (Modern Family)
Michael Spiller (Modern Family)
Beth McCarthy-Miller (30 Rock)
Steve Levitan (Modern Family)

Modern Family: 3
Everyone Else: 0

19.34

Are there any Death Cab For Cutie fantards who want to believe Zooey Deschanel is a Yoko? No clue. But I fully understand why Neil Gaiman-tards loathe Amanda Palmer because she’s Amanda Palmer. Anyway, I digress. Zooey D. looks like the topper of a Sweet 16 cake.

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES
I was going to list all the nominees but a couple of dudes from Modern Family won so the extra effort was completely unnecessary.

Modern Family: 4
Everyone Else: 0

19.41

I have just been told I need to buy an iPad, eat bacon, get a cash-back rewards card from Bank of America, and watch some revisionist history CGI gag called Immortals. And apparently, if you wear really cute shoes purchased at DSW while apple picking, everyone will want to make Instagrams of your feet. Yes, folks. This industry is how I feed myself and Oskar.

Speaking of Oskar, he just turned up the volume full-blast when CHARLIE SHEEN was announced. #winning?

19.49

So is Charlie Sheen in between bi-polar episodes? Or maybe finally medicated? What’s the consensus on that one? Granted, if I was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, I might want to take pills to make me forget. Forget it all.

Should we just go with whomever is nominated from Modern Family? Wait? There are none? What an ensemble show…that’s the point, isn’t it?

Steve Carrell is the sentimental favorite to win. And gotta admit, seeing Matt LeBlanc’s name on this list made me smile. Never really thought…after Friends…I mean, he could still take over Alan Thicke’s spot in being the national face for Las Vegas time-share properties, but hey, only the present matters and right now, he’s an Emmy nominee!

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jim Parsons (Big Bang Theory)
Alex Baldwin (30 Rock)
Louie C.K. (Louie)
Johnny Galecki (Big Bang Theory)
Steve Carrell (The Office)
Matt LeBlanc (Episodes)

No Steve Carrell. Good. The Office is no longer funny. But curious as to how this Jim Parsons person has won TWICE? I thought Alec Baldwin had locked this category down for the last 4 years?

19.55

Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara. So is she okay with playing-up um, linguistic stereotypes? Anyway, Amy Poehler leads the way by heading up to the stage when her name is called, followed by her other fellow nominees. And its kind of awesome. Kind of awesome because I will just always love Martha Plimpton. And everyone gets a standing ovation. And when Melissa McCarthy wins, everyone genuinely appears to be so damn happy for her. There’s even a bouquet of roses and a CROWN.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Amy Poehler (Parks & Recreation)
Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)
Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Laura Linney (The Big C)

Melissa McCarthy just made my eyes get a little wet. I’m a sucker for when someone who really deserves it wins. Someone who is really shocked to hear their name called. Yup. I’m a sucker for that. And its perfectly okay, as it offers evidence that I am not a sociopath.

19.58

I think Pax made this a tasting menu? Tasty. Giving thanks for not being at The Olive Garden (there was just a commercial for that quaint little eatery.)

20.03

The Office-inspired “doc” featuring several talented actors in several good shows was pretty damn funny. Especially with Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman delivering Creed’s package of Crystal Meth to Dundler Mifflin. And Tracy Morgan talking about elevators being tiny rooms. This really had PROMISE. Until Kim Kardashian showed up.

20.13

JESUSMUTHAFRAKINGCHRIST.

I really, really, really hate reality television. Not sure why late night talk shows and the likes of The Daily Show, Real Time with Bill Maher, and The Colbert Report were packaged into this REALITY/VARIETY category.

Really? What producer thought this was a good idea? And who wrote these terrible lesbian jokes for Jane Lynch, who’s a perfectly awesome lesbian?

And Emmy voters who gave that smug prick Jeff Probst the award for Best Reality Host over CAT DEELEY should have their little academy of television arts & sciences cards revoked.

OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
Project Runway
Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With The Stars

The Amazing Race wins again. Since its the only show in the lot offering something akin to real-life drama and exposure to global cultures, I have no problem with this winning every year its on the air.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, COMEDY, AND MUSIC SHOW
Saturday Night Live (Where every writer is Justin Timberlake. If only that were the case, there might be more than weak Wiig skits)
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
The Colbert Report
Real Time with Bill Maher
Conan

Yay! The Daily Show won. Good thing they didn’t suffer after that hiring-Olivia-Munn-as-a-correspondant debacle. I mean, what was that all about?

20.16

The Lonely Island + Michael Bolton.

Shit just got real. Shit just got WORTH WATCHING!

20.18

Thank you. It’s Not Gay if It’s a 3-Way on primetime TV.

Freak Bill Macy Freak Bill Macy Freak Bill Macy USA USA USA USA

I Just Had Sex. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow. A medley. All of it. THIS JUST MADE THE SHOW WORTH WATCHING. They even pulled it off without Justin Timberlake.

20.21

Lea Michele is wearing a bridesmaid’s dress (rose shoulders!) with the back lobbed off because that’s the sort of thing that goes with one’s surgically-corrected nose and lips o’ Juvaderm.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY / COMEDY / MUSIC SERIES DIRECTION
Guy from Saturday Night Live. Great. Now get funny again and stop putting Kristen Wiig in every skit.

20.25

Scott Caan and Anna Paquin. I guess that’s what they went to when they figured out Anna Faris was doing press for some new rom-com I’ve fast-forwarded through the trailers of. Weird. Oh wait. Not so weird. It’s Sookie. She’s nothing but a little waitress from Louisiana. A fairy empath waitress whom every man in some swamp town would kill to do the horizontal mambo with. I DON’T GET IT.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
Conan
The Daily Show
Saturday Night Live
The Colbert Report
Real Time with Bill Maher
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

WOW. A category of actual worthy nominees. Naturally, The Daily Show lives and I really just want to figure out why everyone wants in Sookie’s pants.

20.41

Does Ashton Kutcher look like a Jesus-Douche because that’s what his new Two and a Half Men character is? A Douche-Jesus? Jesus-Douche?

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES
Finally! Friday Night Lights wins something!!

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Margo Martindale
Christina Hendricks
Michelle Forbes
Kelly MacDonald
Archie Panjabi
Christine Baranski

I love me some Joan Holloway but Margo Martindale, well, if Margo Martindale is nominated for anything, Margo Martindale should win that shit. Just watch this and you will understand. WATCH IT NOW. (And Christina Hendricks will win next year. Trust me.)

20.48

If Martin Scorsese is nominated for an EMMY, you just give it to him. You don’t pull that Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences fuckery.

This is also where you think to yourself how Mark Wahlberg has done really well for himself as an executive producer of higher-brow cerebral bro fare on HBO.

20.50

Well. If John Slattery couldn’t win Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series, good thing it was one of my other favorites, PETER DINKLAGE.

But question. Did they do the mic switch immediately after he was announced or did they start getting it ready before even finishing the list? They would have to time this out fairly brilliantly, or else it would technically announce the winner before actually announcing it.

I love Peter Dinklage.

20.56

Thank fraking flying spaghetti monster someone gave Big Pussy some work.

20.57

I would respect Katie Holmes much more if she mouthed “HELP ME” or some unknown code word telling someone to HELP HER when paraded out on live stage.

21.00

Julianna Margulies won OUTSTANDING ACTRESS DRAMA. Which is cool, b/c she’s pretty cool, but wouldn’t it have been really really cool if Connie Britton won?

We’re not big fans of her dress, though. Punketta thinks it looks like the lampshade they put on your cat/dog so they can’t scratch an open wound. I likened it to the washbasin of a trendy “american fusion bar” that will be open less than 9 months.

21.05

Drew Barrymore mugging for the camera lest her “new” Angels get more screentime. There’s no time for this fuckery when this is THE MOST IMPORTANT CATEGORY OF THE NIGHT.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR DRAMA
Jon Hamm
Kyle Chandler
Steve Buscemi
Bryan Cranston
Hugh Laurie

You know, this is always the best category. Much too difficult to choose. And yes, I was rooting for Jon Hamm…but also because you know, I just didn’t think…I mean, if he didn’t win, did you really think they would give it to the guy who also really deserves it but never got the accolades as the rest of the nominees? HELL NO.

But they did! KYLE CHANDLER. Incredible. I wish his speech would have been better, less-Coach Taylor-like, but I guess that’s what happens when you didn’t think you had a chance in hell of winning…

Wow. Is it just me or are they giving it to people who really should win things more often?

21.14

There should be a rule that LL Cool J is only allowed to wear 1 layer of tightly fitting clothing above the waist whenever on camera. I CANNOT SEE HIS ABS.

MINISERIES & MOVIES.

Thank flying spaghetti monster, I don’t have to see clips of Gray Gardens or Temple Granden this year. Because actresses of limited range in my age bracket who were once child/teen stars going for the miniseries Emmy just yields horrible, horrible things. Oh well, maybe the crew from Entourage will tell us why the finale sort of blew.

OUTSTANDING WRITING — MINISERIES OR MOVIE
HOLY SHIT. And the winner is…? DOWNTON ABBEY. PBS via BBC. Beats out a bunch of stuff on HBO and the other awesome UK import of 2010, Sherlock. Hey, I love me some Downton Abbey. It premieres tonight in the UK. I really don’t want to wait much longer for it here. I had no idea I was into Edwardian class wars on the eve of WW1 and as a soap opera, but you learn something new about yourself every day.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS — MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Mare Winingham (Mildred Pierce)
Evan Rachel Wood (Mildred Pierce)
Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)

Duh. Always give it to the talented old broad who’s been knighted by the Queen. And good thing Evan Rachel Wood lost. Yes yes. You are supposed to hate her character, I get it, but it was almost as if she didn’t have to…stretch much?

21.25

And now. Paula Abdul. Briefly playing an Ernst & Young accountant.

Amy Poehler & Melissa McCarthy presenting for OUTSTANDING ACTOR MINISERIES OR MOVIE

First off, Barry Pepper and Greg Kinnear should not even be on there. Considering The Kennedys is one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve ever watched on Netflix Instant and Zombie Strippers and Titanic 2 were also in my queue. So for real? Barry Pepper?

For OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE, holy hell, Todd Haynes does not win for Mildred Pierce. MORE DOWNTON ABBEY!

21.29

Its time for the PARADE OF DEAD PEOPLE. Couldn’t we have done without the umpteenth sub-par cover of Hallelujah? Is this Il Divo or that other group like Il Divo. You hear that cash register in the cresendo? That’s money going into Simon Cowell’s bank account.

Ruined the Parade of Dead People. Totes.

And to all those people who weren’t dead, go check on them. This shit rendition was probably the final BUBBA SMITH HIGHTOWER nail in their coffin. Quick. Go take Betty White’s pulse STAT.

21.33

Dolphin Tale. Really? Really, Morgan Freeman, you really need a paycheck that badly? You step down as the head of Wayne Enterprises so you can go film some Free Willy retread? Really, Morgan Freeman? Really? Thought you had some integrity. I don’t even hold it against you for portraying the President in Deep Impact, and that’s saying a lot. But come on, Freeman, I know you’re getting old but Dolphin Tale? Really?

21.38

Anna Torv + David Boreanez could have been more interesting.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Tom Wilkinson (The Kennedys)
Brian O’Byrne
Guy Pierce
Paul Giamatti
James Woods

Tom Wilkinson is someone I usually love. Not in The Kennedys. The Kennedys is the most horrible thing you may ever watch. Guy Pierce. Someone I’ve always loved. Thank you, Emmy people, for voting for Guy Pierce.

21.44

I love hearing Hugh Laurie talk in his real voice. Clare Danes. Just don’t like hearing her speak. And what’s with the knowing camera span to Gwyneth Paltrow before uttering Helen Mirren’s name 10 times? Gwynnie, you are no Helen Mirren.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS MINISERIES MOVIE
Kate Winslet
Elizabeth McGovern
Diane Lane
Taraji P. Henson
Jean Marsh

Like it wasn’t gonna be Kate Winslet. Come on. Now let’s hope she does her bawdy Brit routine and then let’s listen to Hugh Laurie talk again. But anyone else thinking Hollywood should be doing a lot more with Taraji P. Henson? She’s been nominated for an Oscar and an Emmy in the past 3 years and you probably still don’t even know her name.

21.46

So can Glee still be classified as a phenomenon? Or is it more the plague?

21.49

The world could also use more of Don Cheadle. And he’s presenting the award for…

OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Cinema Vierte
Downton Abbey
Too Big To Fail
Mildred Pierce
The Kennedys
The Pillars of The Earth

Again, it must have been a real slow year for high-brow cable entertainment because The Kennedys somehow fell into this list. Which must be just because they have to make money off it somehow, so maybe more people will put it in their Netflix Queues or something. No clue. Because that shit was garbage.

Congrats Downtown Abbey! I like you.

21.52

Time for the big one, with the cast of The Cooler (Bill Macy & Maria Bello)

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Boardwalk Empire
Mad Men
Friday Night Lights
Dexter

Well no shit. Of course its always gonna win. So next year, since Friday Night Lights is gone, Jon Hamm is gonna win, right?

So yeah, Emmys. Closing out with Seven Nation Army and the announcement Gwyneth Paltrow will be handing out the night’s final award, Outstanding Comedy. But shouldn’t comedy come before drama since comedic stuff is less heavy and important and all of that. And its not as if Modern Family isn’t gonna win, so must we really need to go through the formalities?

21.59

Of course the prompter is down. Gwyneth Paltrow don’t need no prompter. Gwynnie is a honey badger, she just don’t give a shit.

Not even bothering to list the nominees out since my favorite (Parks & Recreation) was robbed and Modern Family won. Should probably check out Modern Family one of these days. Is it on Netflix so I can start from the beginning? No doubt it is a lot better than The Kennedys.

22.01

Why is the pre-teen girl in braces on the right of my screen showing massive amounts of cleavage? Better watch out, sweetheart, going all Lohan or Lovato won’t help your career.

Wow. That’s done. And right on time. Cheers to all the winners, the plus-sized women, PBS, the comely dwarf, the old lady…tonight may have actually been about talent. Whoda thunk it?

20.37

Prepping for this evening’s Mad Men with Desperate Housewives. Not sure why I still watch it, but hey, Creepy DUCK (er, I mean Paul Young) is back on Wisteria Lane.

I hate Mary Alice’s (Brenda Strong) voice. Nails on a chalkboard. I also wonder why two Hispanic couples would not be speaking Spanish to one another when discussing their daughters who were switched at birth.

20.55

The only redeeming characters on Desperate Housewives are Mrs. McClusky and Carlos Solis.

21.01

Only 3 minutes, yet Desperate Housewives may be promising me MIDGETS. My DVR is Schrodinger’s Cat. Ok. Well, not really. That’s why its a DVR. And I have no problem pausing Desperate Housewives for Mad Men…even if there are MIDGETS.

21.05

Lighting up my first cigarette of the episode. Hey, don’t look at me with your judgmental mug. I didn’t write a letter to the NYT saying I quit. This shit is stressful.

Thankfully, Dr. Blondie is here. Still in the picture. For now.

21.07

Yup. Joan is wearing a tighter girdle. Hmmm…but she’s been PROMOTED! YAY JOAN! Director of Agency Operations. Title only for now, Pryce says. But I’m happy for you, Joanie. I think we all are happy for Joanie getting the recognition she deserves.

21.10

Don meets with the anti-smoking/cancer people and wants to tap into the teen market through sentimentality, rather than rebellion. Teenagers, he says, long for their childhood. Oh, Sally…

But who is nostalgic for their youth? Don Draper. And how does a man of his age go about feeling younger? Laps at the pool don’t always do the trick.

21.17

Yay! A good old-fashioned Cosgrove vs. Campbell accounts war. Cosgrove doesn’t want to ask his fiancee’s father (the head of Dow) for business. You know…like Campbell does.

CARLA! CARLA! I NEED MORE CARLA! Glen wants to say goodbye to Sally. Sally is going to California with Dad, but then she’s moving to Rye. Glen and Sally hug. He does not snip a lock of her hair, although he may have taken in a whiff. Uh, oh. On the way out, Glen runs into Betty!

Glen yells at Betty that not everyone has to be sad like her. Then she yells at Carla for trying to be THEIR MOM! WHO THE HELL ELSE IS THEIR MOTHER, BETTY?

This better not be the last we see of Carla. Betty Draper Francis, I hate you even more. And now you won’t let Carla come to California with Don and the kids? HOW MUCH DO YOU SUCK?

21.17

Hollywood has turned Harry Crane into a bit of a creeper. A very L.A. kind of creeper. Where are you pedobear? Just what kind of work has Harry gotten himself into on the side…? Even Peggy is beginning to wonder.

21.23

What if Megan’s college friend is Anna Draper’s niece? Is it possible? Why do I think this? Even though she is from Montreal and everything…and teaches the kids to sing in French…and wears alluring sundresses. Oh, that Megan is just so impressive, isn’t she?

Ok. So maybe Stephanie isn’t Megan’s college friend, but Sally and Bobby get to come along. They ask who’s painted on the walls. Naturally, Sally asks who’s Dick. Well, that’s just a nickname of Don’s sometimes.

21.27

Anna left Don Anna’s engagement ring from the real Don Draper. Everyone goes to the pool. Don retreats to his room to be all deep and Don-like. But then he emerges in swim trunks with a cannonball.

Megan and her college friend (not Stephanie, duh) are going to Whisky-a-Go-Go while Don stays back and plays family man, planning the next days Disneyland adventure. His wistful look at them as they walk about the door is not so much that they’re beautiful, but that Don desperately wants to join them, at least for a moment. Constantly trying to reconcile what he wants with what people expect…

21.28

The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas Luxury Resort may have one of my new favorite commercials. There is no better way to get an audience’s attention than by sexy model-types in corsets and stilettos, debauchery, and cute, cuddly baby animals. Needs to find out what agency did this one. It’s expensive and memorable.

21.34

Betty is a lunatic. Henry realizes he married an immature, selfish child. Betty no longer has any redeeming qualities. I’m not sure if she ever did, but I’m certain she no longer has any now.

The kids are sleeping and Don goes over to visit Megan. They talk about her teeth. They make out on the balcony. He’s just been thinking about her so much. Yeah, well what about missing Dr. Blondie? And had Betty not fired Carla, Don would not be schtupping Megan right now.

Yeah, Betty. Go curl up in the fetal position on your daughter’s bed just like a child.

21.37

Hey, I wonder if the kids are doing okay unsupervised in that hotel room.

Is Megan toying with Don? He almost seems…smitten. I’m kind of nauseous. It just doesn’t seem like the typical Don Draper slays those ladies kind of bit. Its almost more…dangerous?

21.39

Topaz Pantyhose. The only pantyhose you’ll ever need. (I’m also on my second cigarette, no I do not believe it was a post-coital-on-TV thing).

This show makes me want to go out and create killer ad copy. It reminds me that this is what I have to do. (Might sound stupid, but its a nice reminder for me.)

21.45

Obviously, Don is mesmerized by Megan’s laid-back “parenting style.” Betty would freak out if someone spilled a milkshake on her.

Don can’t stop thinking about Megan. Because Don needs someone to take care of him and his children.

Jesus christ. And since he had an engagement ring on him…ok. Don has lost it. And I swear we saw this scene between Roger and Jane a couple of seasons ago. But this is Don Draper’s ring. Reconciling his Dick with his Don, well, this doesn’t seem the ideal way to do it, now does it? But Don’t well on his way to becoming Roger Sterling.

21.49

Just as Dr. Blondie said, happiness is fleeting, life just is…she also said Don would be married within a year when they first met.

Peggy is perplexed. Understandably. The phone rings. I bet its Dr. Blondie…

Peggy and Cosgrove signed Topaz Pantyhouse. Peggy is concerned. Don tells Peggy Megan reminds him of her. They have the same spark. And how Megan admires Peggy just as much as he does. THIS IS ALL TOO WEIRD AND WRONG.

21.52

Oh how I love Joan and Peggy bitching. The new Director of Office Relations and the signer of the first new account since Lucky Strike left are both women — and none of this compares to Megan getting married.

They’ve bonded. Joan and Peggy together almost takes the sting out of this episode’s ridiculous turn of events.

21.58

Lots of scenes where Don sits in a room alone, reflecting… And he finally picks up the phone to call Dr. Blondie…to meet for coffee…she just asks him to get to it. Dr. Blondie. I love you. I feel your pain.

And Don is now a laughing stock, just as Roger was when he took off with Jane. Joan tells Dr. Rapist about it…he asks…do they know HER news yet?

22.01

Uh oh…guess who has a run-in in their old kitchen? They share a drink. Betty tells him life is not perfect. Don tells her he met someone. Betty is not pleased.

No, Don. Life is not perfect. Happiness is fleeting. And you’re only happy in the beginning.

Rachel Menken…Dr. Blondie…I cry for you.

22.01

So who died tonight? Dick Whitman.

21.19

Judging by the previously on Mad Men, it looks like tonight is gonna be a big SALLY DRAPER episode!

21.23

You can’t really make beans funny. At least that’s what Heinz thinks. And Don needs to call him in 6 months…just so he knows SCDP is still around.

21.24

Oh lookie here. There’s someone I have not missed. And her name is Betty. Sally wants to assert her newfound maturity and dine with her mother and Henry. This pleases Betty. I want to believe Sally has something up her sleeve.

21.26

You’re a certain kind of girl and tobacco is your boyfriend.

Phillip Morris is introducing a new lady cigarette and has gotten SCDP a meeting. Could it be Virgina Slims? Mother of Top Idol will love it!

21.28

Sweet Dr. Blondie helping Don get clients. When you help a man with his work, will he respect you in the end? (And Evil Megan is looming in the background. Well, ok. She’s working at her desk but the scene was directed with deliberate intent.

21.29

OMG OMG OMG OMG. Who would I love to see more than anyone else other than Rachel Menken? MIDGE! Our beatnik beauty Midge. Oh, Midge, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? It makes absolute sense your paths would cross again one day, especially with SCDP’s digs in the Time Life Building.

21.32

If we can’t have Sal…can’t we hire Midge? (I am also already hoping Season 5 picks up in…SIX MONTHS.) So Midge is married, but only for the bread…marriage schmarriage. Why not schtup Don Draper?

21.40

Sally’s therapist is proud of her. Sally’s therapist and our beloved Carla are the only ones who are affectionate with our little Sally. And back in the Village, we’ve discovered Don has been lured to Midge’s place to hopefully buy a painting. The playwright husband slips and tells Don Midge tracked him down. Hmmm…it also seems the playwright is a heroin addict…and he’s gotten Midge into the really bad stuff, too…which explains why she is so skinny. Oh, Midge. You’re a mess.

Don writes her a 0 check for the painting #4. She asks him what is she going to do with a check. He gives her 0 cash. I doubt Midge will be freelancing at SCDP anytime soon. Now I’m sad. Poor Midge.

21.42

Betty doesn’t think Sally is better. The shrink thinks Sally has made progress, but still wants Betty to see someone regularly. Betty asks why she just can’t keep talking to the shrink. Ah yes…because she is a child psychologist. But this makes perfect sense as Betty Draper Francis is a child!

21.43

More Peggy and Don, please! Evil Megan. Why you so skinny and evil looking these days?

21.48

Leo Burnett has taken Virginia Slims. They want to see where SCDP is in six months. Six months is never. This is not good. Everybody drink.

But Lane Pryce is back from his sojourn to the UK! He’s also gone to the bank. They’ll extend the loan but only if they can put up the capital. And everyone hears them talking about potential staff reductions. Uh oh. Things are not good.

Meanwhile, in the suburbs, Sally announces her atheism to a post-football practice Glenn. Death doesn’t bother her, except it is permanent. She talks about girl on the Land O Lakes butter box who is holding a Land O Lakes butter box, and so on…I’ve always thought about it!

21.49

We’re creative…we’re the most important least-important thing there is.

Oh how those words hit close to home.

21.54

Oh Trudy, can it. Don’t move your kid to Greenwich. As Pete said, playing in Central Park was just fine for him.

22.00

I thought he was gonna toss it, but he ends up bringing Midge’s #4 back inside, studying it intently. He then goes to his sometimes-used journal to start writing–

Why I am quitting tobacco.

He then even types it. Ooooh. This is gonna be good. And there it is in the New York Times.
Come on. It WAS rather brilliant. And everyone is pissed. Now let’s see what happens. It seems Sen. Robert Kennedy wants to chat with Don. Oh wait. It was that bastard from Leo Burnett. Cooper is so pissed he asks for his shoes.

22.01

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Pryce just moved his family back here. Poor sad sweet Chocolate Bunny.

22.02

Oh, Megan. Stop kissing Draper’s ass to get into his pants.

22.04

Yay! More Don and Peggy…but its bad news, Don needs to know who Peggy can live without. And the sad scene is redeemed by Don asking Peggy why she never said anything about the letter. She says he thought he didn’t go for those kinds of shenanigans…with a smile. Don smiles. Jesus christ, I love Don and Peggy so damn much.

22.07

Uh oh. Peggy is driving home and finds Sally going into the shed with Glenn! Booo! Glenn runs away as Betty yells for him to stay away from her. Betty thinks she knows Glenn better than Sally does. Betty. Is. A. Child.

22.09

Boo! Dr. Blondie has to leave because of the cigarette letter. But they’re going to get dinner later. 8pm. Please, Don. Do not screw this up.

I also now love Dr. Blondie and Peggy. Get that drink with Peggy, Dr. Blondie!

22.12

Henry is home early for a nice family dinner. Betty announces the neighborhood is being overrun with low-caliber people and says it is time to move. Poor Sally. She runs upstairs to cry. Betty sits down at the table and shrugs, She’ll get over it.

Is it possible to like Betty Draper?

22.15

SCDP may have a new account — The American Cancer Society. And Pete must tell Pryce he can’t pay his share, but guess what? It’s okay. Because Don paid it for him. Are they even now?

What a downer ending, yet undeniably timely. And the previews for next week’s finale are even MORE frustrating than usual because it only consists of scenes from this season. They just love torturing us, don’t they?

21.20

A hot & sweaty day at the beach. And Peggy brings home the journalist. He never stops talking.

21.25

Finally! We see Ken Cosgrove outside of the office, dining with his fiancee and his future in-laws. An adman acquaintance expresses his condolences. Uh oh. Looks like Roger hasn’t told SCDP about Lucky Strike going to BBDO. Time to visit Pete at the hospital. Pete is a daddy now. But babies and dinner are are no longer of importance. Let’s call Don and get together the Mad Men at the office. Roger, naturally, plays dumb and calls Lee Gardener, Jr. demanding to know what was going on. Everybody drinks.

21.27

Don’s withdrawing from Dr. Blondie. Perhaps because she insists on dying her hair blond.

21.32

Pete’s father-in-law continues to subtly belittle him…and tries to convince him to go work at that rival agency. Meanwhile, Peggy is IN LIKE, and for the first time, we see her confidently express how she feels when journalist guy gets ready to leave. She doesn’t want him to go. And she’s not letting him.

22.25

A WHOLE LOTTA SCHTUPPING GOING ON!!!ELEVENTY!!!

21.42

We begin tonight with our star-crossed soul mates Roger and Joan. Almost two months have passed since last week’s episode and HOLY SHIT. Joan is late…and it’s not Dr. Rapist’s baby. He’s in Nam! Roger wants to “take care of it,” but we already know that’s not gonna fly…

21.43

Betty actually SEWS? I don’t believe it. Awwww. Don is gonna take Sally to see The Beatles at Shea Stadium. (No! Don, you’re not that old! Forget the earplugs.)

21.45

I feel the sads coming on. Lane’s father has arrived instead of his family…to fetch him. He plans on taking him back to London. Poor Lane Pryce. He just wants to be happy.

21.49

Looks like SCDP is taking on a defense client, er I mean North American Aviation. Harry’s just thinking about the television needs and needs to “get back to the coast immediately.” Hmmm…

21.52

Ah…The Playboy Club. I’ve always wanted to go to a real-life Playboy Club circa 1965. Lane Pryce is a member! Cool. Just like my dad. Also, where can I get the green bunny suit. Because I really, really, really want to green bunny suit. Funny how we still try to freak out our parents and assert our independence into adulthood, right Lane?

21.53

Oh shit. Working with the defense industry means…security clearance. Come on, Betty. Don’t screw this up.

Do you have any reason to believe Mr. Draper isn’t who he says he is?

21.56

Paranoia + ex-spousal tension! (And obviously, Meagan has been promoted to Don’s secretary.) Just pour a drink. Anna is dead and the government doesn’t have very good electronic records yet. It’s not like Dick Whitman had a Facebook…

21.58

You know that I love you, my chocolate bunny.

YES YES YES! Lane has a girlfriend! She thinks he is dashing. Loves it.

22.05

There’s only one person at the office who knows Don’s little secret, remember? And it seems Pete has a friend in the government. Don’s worried he may have to go into hiding…Joan is pregnant with Roger’s child, Dick Whitman may be exposed, and Lane Price has a cute black bunny girlfriend. And we are only 21 minutes in! (Whomever says this show is slow sucks…)http://bit.ly/d0uFwL

Greg dying is not a solution to this

Dr. Rapist’s inevitable death is kind of the only solution to Joan’s future, so…

22.08

This episode makes me need another cigarette.

22.09

I kind of want to learn more about Don’s attorney. He and Ms. Blankenship would have made a cute couple. He also says schtup. Hee hee.

22.12

Poor Joan.

22.13

Dr. Blondie comes to the office b/c Don hasn’t called. She sees he does not look well. They go home to schtup.

22.15

And now closeted Lucky Strike Bastard is dropping SCDP? They’re gonna be screwed. And they’ll be forced to pay for cigarettes. (But quick! Someone call Sal Romano!)

22.19

Everyone is fucked.

22.22

Poor Lane. Poor, poor Lane.

22.23

And it’s been so long since we’ve seen one of Trudy’s fabulous frocks! She’s about ready to pop in all that pink chiffon.

22.23

Ironically, Pete talks about his contempt about those people who go through life destroying everything they touch.

22.26

And Don is tired of running. So he tells Dr. Blondie the condensed Dick-into-Don story. Can’t we just call Rachel Menken?

22.29

And how can you walk away from NAA when you’re losing Lucky Strike? As I mentioned above, everyone is fucked.

22.30

I still Joan is having the baby. You?

22.31

And Don will owe Pete. Big time.

22.35

So does Don lose interest once you learn his little secret?

22.36

The next week on Mad Men segments are the most infuriating & absurd things I’ve ever seen. Is it next Sunday yet?