While sitting at work this morning, I felt like listening to the song so I pulled up good ol’ YouTube and ended up scanning the comments for whatever reason? So…last season’s American Idol winner Lee DeWyze sounds like Marcus Mumford?

Um…ok.

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I wanna know if dreams really do come true

American Idol is now employing the 8mm camera techniques employed by hipster iPhone apps and Jersey Shore. Can you feel the false drama? Its palpable, ain’t it. And while I already know who’s going home (yawn) after last night’s Songs From The Year You Were Born show, I must admit I am a wee bit excited this will be the first results show my DVR did not screw up…but only because it’s been a long time since I’ve got to rip on a cheesy Ford commercial (granted Ford is now employing that same Hollywood backlot for their REAL commercials. Yikes.) and my all-time favorite — THE AMERICAN IDOL GROUP SING.

Oh? We have a judges’ save again this season? Well, we know that won’t be used until America finally tires of Jacob Lusk or that Bible Study Strumpet Lauren Alaina. Although I’m certain La Lopez will want to save ALL OF THEM, I still have no idea why Steven Tyler is stealing from Joan Rivers’ closet.

Tonight’s medley is all about being BORN. Born to Be Wild mashed and Born This Way. For some reason, I’m enjoying Lusky Stank getting his groove on. The sound is terrible, which ironically reminds me of when one of tonight’s musical guests, The Black Eyed Peas, played that big football game awhile back. Bible Study Strumpet is still wearing those atrocious fringed boots picked up at Big Lots (Her mom has a matching pair). She almost trips. I laugh. Karen Rodriguez, surprisingly, sings her verse in English. Casey Abrams’ comedic anger still amuses me, even though I know he’s gonna regret grabbing that woman in the audience come Pop Tarts Tour time when she’s bringing him stuffed babies chasing after dollars on a string in aquariums at a minimum of 6 stops.

I have decided Jacob Lusk can stick around as long as possible because I enjoy watching him dance, and not just because he’s always grabbing his junk in a way that screams I-gotta-make-sure-my-shit’s-okay rather than a I’m-edgy-so-I-grab-my-crotch way.

Tonight’s Ford Commercial is quite promising in its beginnings, as Bible Study Strumpet is tied to a chair tied to a post wired up to a bomb and Paul McDonald holds the trigger. I know its not going to end happily but for all we know the bomb did go off. All the Idols are watching themselves in vignettes at the drive-in. It would be kind of cute if the song wasn’t so god awful. Apparently its called Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer.

Then we’re forced to learn some crap about this year’s crop of you’ll-forget-their-names-by-July. We learn Karen Rodriguez speaks English and Spanish. (I am shocked!) James Durbin wants to speak Swedish. Stefano Langone wants to speak an African language, because that would be really cool, and naturally, Bible Study Strumpet manages to offend in a delusional attempt to show off .

I only speak one language. And that’s Spanish.

Aiken E. Newman likes to talk British…or is it Australian. He’s not sure. Haley Reinhart always seems to give those little packaged interviews as if she’s auditioning on an um, casting couch. Everyone makes fun of the way Bible Study Strumpet Lauren Alaina talks, which makes me sort of like Thia Megia because I suspect she hates her.

Let’s get down to business, shall we? Jacob Lusk. Lauren Alaina. Casey Abrams. Jacob is sent to safety. Bible Study Strumpet milks her alleged cold (yesterday it was the flu) and is also safe. This is the part of the show when we make fun of her family. I would venture sitting next to mom Kristi is her grandmother. This entire family gives print fabric a bad, bad, bad name.

Casey is safe. Ryan Seacrest wants to know what Steven Tyler meant by Casey having the goop. Steven says he was referring to those creative juices. Funny, I thought he was referring to Gwyneth Paltrow’s self-aggrandizing website this entire time! (Not really. But you knew that.)

Haley Reinhart. Paul McDonald. I already know what happens but I knew what was up before finding out the results. Because girls will always go first. And Haley is in the bottom 3. We then learn Lee DeWyze is performing after the commercial break. Who?

Before your cousin Phil DeWheezy takes the stage, we’re forced to say hi to Pitbull, a friend of JLo’s who is in the audience tonight with Skeletor and a Man Who Looks Like Kenny Rogers. Now convinced Oskar weighs more than Marc Anthony. Poor Skeletor. He’s tired of this abuse.

(I typed that long before Ryan Seacrest said that. Swears to Flying Spaghetti Monster.)

Sorry, esteemed TopIdol reader Jane Rochester, this might be the last time you see this guy on national TV…I wasn’t the only one thinking it, was I? But I have decided I really want him and Haley Reinhart to hook up for whatever reason. WYZEHART. I adore irony.

I probably could have used a photo from last season since I likely have at least 10 that look exactly like this one, although your cousin Phil DeWheezy seems a bit rounder. Oh yeah. The song? Kind of…bland? Lots of bland! Maybe if I were in a bar and heard it live. I dunno. But maybe a few people will download it tonight or something.

Pia Toscano. James Durbin. Scotty McCreery. There is no doubt these people are safe. At least we get to hear Aiken E. Newman do a little turndemlightsdownlow (You already know this is gonna be his big duet on the finale show, don’t you?)

Completely unrelated tangent. Did you know they still let Ann Coulter speak in public? Oh yeah. It’s Bill O’Reilly’s show.

Stefano Langone. Not going anywhere. He’s handpicked for Jennifer’s scary prison harem with Skeletor, the Kenny Rogers guy, and Pitbull. You can see it in her eyes even though she’s having difficulty opening them from all that silver Rust-Oleum on her lids. Naima, by the way, is in the Bottom 3.

Karen Rodriguez. Thia Megia. Lookie here. The second week in a row where 3 girls are in the Bottom 3. Who’s voting for this again? Karen clearly knows she’s going back to su casa. Thia employs a bit of the apathetic teen bitch face. YES! I know why I still harbor a bit of like for this girl. She reminds me of a Filipino version of Parks & Recreation’s awesome April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza).

There’s really no reason to watch anymore. Do I really need to see Fergie dressed like Marilyn Monroe and singing on top of a piano as will.i.am dedicates a song called Just Can’t Get Enough to the people of Japan? Are you serious? I’m so done. And I feel bad for those two innocent bystanders they always seem to be dragging into their electro-lite shit shows. Therefore, I have decided it is time to watch this:

Shocked I was mildly amused by the E! Online recap of this evening’s Idol elimination festivities.

Naima is the first sent to safety. Karen Rodriguez so knows she’s out of there. She’s all like, I flat-ironed my hair for this? She knows she’s not gonna get the save. She knows she’s gonna have to go back to MySpace. So why not go out with a bang? You know, singing Mariah Carey’s Hero? You do realize all these ballads have successfully made American Idol into the early years of those Eastern-European versions of the show.

I bet Karen Rodriguez is really nice. I would also like to practice my Spanish with her. I’ll be all like Voy a la biblioteca. Nah, not really. I can do some subjunctive or conjunctive verbage. Maybe. Anyhow, Karen…you’re just not like, the greatest singer ever. None of these people are, so seriously, don’t feel bad. Now go home and tell your mother to share some of that Karen love for your sister Carol. I bet she’s super-cool, too. (Even if she has some Nick Jonas fetish.)

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I would rather download his playlist than his album, but I think many people might have a lot of these songs in their music files already. And then there are those songs you don’t want on your playlist because they are beyond lame and you did not have an mp3 player in 1997. Admit it. You left your bra in some dude’s dorm room to one of these songs. You’re cringing right now. Because you know I reminded you of the time you hooked up with your buddy’s cousin Phil because he played some deep Green Bay song he heard on ER on the guitar.

I would also bet serious cash most people may be able to expound upon why they like any song better then Phil DeWeezy.

We also learn your cousin Phil loves the movie Batman Forever. I mean, I guess that’s better than loving Batman & Robin, but seriously? Granted, I adore Hot Dog…The Movie so who the hell am I to talk? But that’s from more of a sociological standpoint. Plus, I am an elitist snob with refined tastes so I feel no shame. When I like crap, its kitschy and novel and cool! (I kid, I kid. Well, sort of.)

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A reader recently posted a link to a Worcester writer’s blog detailing Lee DeWyze’s post-show bar visit in Wormtown. It’s kind of interesting. I don’t really doubt the veracity of the story, as it is not overly enthralling (much like DeWyze himself) and I can’t imagine someone taking the time to fictionalize this sort of thing. Like wouldn’t they have added a fist fight or some broken beer bottles?

Well…someone was allegedly almost punched. A bartender, to be exact. (Listen, if you’re gonna punch anyone, don’t punch the guy who serves you your booze because that’s biting the hand that feeds you.)

The bartender heard the situation begin to escalate and he decided it was time for him to step in to prevent any violence. “I really thought he was gonna punch me” Andy said. The bartender’s take was “…there was definitely a point where I felt that if I didn’t step in then fists were going to be thrown, that is how Lee was acting.”

So what happened? Lee and his entourage went to a local Worcester bar after his Mechanic’s Hall show (some radio Jingle Ball, I believe) where a local singer named Andy was performing. They tried to get Lee on stage to perform because they were full of post-performance vigor. No one knew who he was and said no. Someone called American Idol a game show. (HA!) Lee defended the show. But most of all, Lee DeWyze indicated he KNOWS American Idol killed whatever career he ever hoped to have.

According to Mr. Cummings, Lee came charging over to him wanting to know what his problem was with American Idol. Andy told him that he didn’t have a problem with it, but he just wasn’t a fan of the show. “Are you the winner?” he asked and then offered his congratulations. Lee responded with an angry outburst. He then went on a rant about how he is sick of going to clubs and being treated like he isn’t a valid musician just because he won American Idol. Andy felt bad for him at this point, even though Lee was screaming at him. Lee said he had paid his dues performing in clubs for years. Andy was not impressed by this; he had been playing clubs for 15 years. In my interview with Andy he said “he [Dewyze] got in my face, I will never forget, ‘I’m a better musician than you’ to which Andy responded “yeah you’re probably right. What do you say to that?… He can tell me I’m nothing, but I didn’t say one word to him, not one iota.”  On a side note, the photographer, who had heard both Lee and Andy play did not agree with Dewyze’s statement about being the better musician.

Thoughts on UtterScribe’s tale of Phil DeWeezy in Worcester? An unrelated shout out — Vincent’s is the BEST BAR IN WORCESTER. No other watering hole compares. Vincent’s is the greatest.

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No one wants to buy Lee DeWyze’s Live It Up. Are you surprised?

Of course not.

American Idol Season 9 winner Lee DeWyze may now enjoy the dubious distinction of posting the most pathetic debut numbers of any Idol winner AND Idol runner-up. In his first week of sales, DeWyze’s Live It Up only sold 39,000 copies. Last year’s winner, Kris Allen, sold over twice that amount (80,000) his first week out the door. Runner-up Adam Lambert debuted with 198,000 copies sold of For Your Entertainment. (ED. NOTE: Don’t even think about turning this into some Kris vs. Adam post. I have no tolerance for the tarding and the fighting. Comprende?)

Even first season runner up, punchline Justin Guarini sold 47,000. And Season 3 runner-up Diana DeGarmo sold at least 57,000 copies of her debut. Also something of note — No American Idol’s first release has debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts since Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken.

Guess what? No one cares about American Idol. Need any more proof Season 9 was the death knell 19E is trying so desperately to ignore? (And well, that Phil DeWheezy is just all sorts of boring. I haven’t even heard his CD. I did not even know it was released until a few days after.) So…American Idol. Just come to terms with the fact you suck and no one wants anything to do with you. The door has already hit you about 100 times on the way out. Even a grief counselor would tell you suicide is the only answer.

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Hmmm…so I suppose I should talk about something related to Idol, no? I did see Adam Lambert made a really gay Tweet. Come on, Glamberts, rake me over the coals and call me a homophobe. You won’t take into account all of my gay friends would also call this Tweet really gay, the ones I have been friends with long before you ever discovered Adam Lambert and decided to crusade against the world’s rampant homophobia and bullying through calling people homophobic and bullying them in online comments sections.

I have no idea what Adam Lambert meant when Tweeting the name Barbara Streisand, but the woman is a crucial part of gay pop culture. Guess what? If I describe something as being gay, its not necessarily derogatory. You know who is also fabulously and fantastically gay? CHER. I just love Cher and have since I first saw her. Once my oldest sister played those 45s of Dark Lady and Gypsies Tramps & Thieves for me when I was young, I was HOOKED. Cher and Streisand, they’re gay icons. If you made me choose between Madonna and Cher, Cher would win EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because Cher is real. Cher is a true goddess who walks amongst us Earth. Cher also has an Oscar. (Did you know I have an Oskar and I would never trade him for an Academy Award?) Madonna will never have an Oscar in an acting category. But that Cher, well, Cher can do anything. And I don’t care how many nubile pubescent Brazilian boys Madonna brands with a Kabballah bracelet, Cher did the whole younger man thing first! Oh Bagel Boy Rob Camilletti, where art thou?

One of my big guilty pleasures is After All, Cher’s duet with Peter Cetera from the film Chances Are. That movie is also a guilty pleasure of sorts, and in the process of writing his blog post, I wonder if I’ve long possessed an unrealized appreciation for that trainwreck Ryan O’Neal. He also starred in Irreconcilable Differences. Robert Downey, Jr. was quite adorable in Chances Are. It’s such a fluff film. I’m not quite sure why I enjoy it. I also quite enjoy Doc Hollywood. We all have our little secrets. Oh. And its almost the time of year again when I watch Love Actually. That’s another one. I think that dreckitude with all those famous American actors about Valentine’s Day tried ripping that film off. I saw about an hour of that after arriving home late last night. It was either that or a P90X informercial and I sometimes like to see a little of things just to see if they really as horrible as I assume them to be. And it was, oh it so was. Of course, anything with Julia Roberts makes me want to scream and it seems she was playing an Army captain or something in this one! All of it was just so wrong. I also have no idea why this Bradley Cooper person has been deemed some sort of hearthrob, then again, big blue eyes and blondish hair have never quite done it for me. The only person who did not completely embarrass herself in this shitty ensemble piece was Anne Hathaway. She has a knack for over-the-top accents. Now please, I must stop talking about this hella-dreadful film. I am ashamed for admitting I turned it on at 3am.

Ah yes. This was going to be an Idol Quickies post, wasn’t it? But nothing is really happening in Idol World so I’m at a loss. I’m perusing MJ’s for relevant content because she’s always on top of this stuff. It seems that Phil DeWeezy is gonna perform at halftime during today’s Giants game. But its not like they show the halftime show on national TV when its not the Super Bowl. Sorry Lee DeWyze tards! It’s not gonna happen for him today. And probably not any other day but to quote the great Langston Hughes, hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

David Archuleta is in Singapore. Again, people, I’m grasping at straws here. Grasping at straws.

But you know who is awesome? Jennifer Hudson. She performed on the Tina Fey Tribute–The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and that’s going to be airing on your local PBS station soon. Jennifer Hudson is just wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful, isn’t she? And even my jaded soul can’t help but admire her strength in the face of the horrific tragedies she’s gone through. Like Cher, she also has an Oscar for acting. According to various reports I’ve seen on the Tina Fey special, lots of great people were there and NO ONE mentioned that nitwit Kristen Wiig. I hope they did not allow her in the building. American Humor and Kristen Wiig. One of these things is not like the other.

A star-studded lineup of entertainers including [Lorne] Michaels, Fred Armisen, Steve Carell, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Jennifer Hudson, Jane Krakowski, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Tracy Morgan, Amy Poehler and Betty White were all on hand to pay tribute to Fey, an alum of NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

So Jennifer Hudson maybe got to hang out with Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Tracy Morgan, Betty White and JON HAMM. Jennifer Hudson is living the fraking dream. Just look at that dinner party lineup.

Speaking of SNL, I have not watched last night’s episode yet but I don’t recall Scarlett Johansson being good the first time she hosted. I’m still bitter about how they wasted Jon Hamm two weeks ago. I mean, that takes serious effort. I always enjoy reading Jezebel’s Saturday Night Open Thread to get a gauge on reactions to new shows. You can find me posting on there sometimes, typically expressing my unabashed hatred towards that Kristen Wiig.

This was a nice experiment, wasn’t it? Hey. I tried. Now I will go back to staring at this photo of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and a puppy dog.

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Lee DeWyze has released the first single from his debut album. It’s called Sweet Serendipity. Ryan Seacrest (of course) premiered the single on yesterday’s morning show. (<– LISTEN HERE)

Snap judgment:

Sickening sweet

Autotune

Better than that time he embarrassed himself with Chicago

He sounds like Danny Gokey in several places

Is he trying to rap or just singing quickly. I want beat-boxing.

Better than Train’s Soul Sister, but then the noises your ass make after the annual chili cook-off sound better than that dreadful song

Is this even pop rock? Is it also positioned to gain some traction on the Christian charts with its uber-positive message?

Why does he sound like Danny Gokey to me?

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For the past few weeks or so, it has been on Mix 104.1, which I think is a Top 40-ish or AC station. Not quite sure. All I know is they have some morning show with Karson and Kennedy, because I usually wake up to their schtick. Guy and a girl, not necessarily obnoxious, heavy on the pop culture.

Anyhoo, when doing my usual battle with the snooze button this morning, I was lying there thinking how I should do a quickie post on Crystal Bowersox getting quickly married. At that instant, the radio alarm went off once more and I hear the following question:

The past season of American Idol’s runner-up, Crystal Bowersox, got married over the weekend, but who was the winner?

It seems they do some sort of  5-question challenge with a guest and this Kennedy person, who is at this point, in a sound-proof box or something. Today’s guest is current Massachusetts State Treasurer Tim Cahill.

Oh, crap. My daughters might kill me if I don’t know this. It’s someone named David, right?

($10 says that season was the last time his daughters watched American Idol.)

So Treasurer Cahill goes 4 for 5 and then Kennedy comes out. It seems she is also unable to name the winner of last season’s American Idol. The site actually posted the list of questions for today’s edition of Can’t Beat Kennedy.

Kennedy vs. Tim Cahill

1. Renee Zellweger was briefly married to the singer with the #1 album in the country this week. Name the singer?

2. Angus Jones is the best paid child actor on television; this young star appears with Charlie Sheen in what show?

3. Josh Duhamel featured in the film “Life As We Know It.” Who is his famous wife?

4. What actress played the love interest of Eminem in the hit film “8 Mile?”

5. Former American Idol contestant Crystal Bowersox married her longtime friend. She finished in second place last season, who won that year?

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On my way to San Francisco with @thedavidcook, & @nealfingtiemann . Performance tomorrow night, relaxing tonight talk to ya soon!

There you go, Cooktards and Cook fans. You have your post.

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Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

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