I have no idea if Kris Allen saw the hilarity in leading his Season 9 runner-up Adam Lambert, or was just happy to be sitting in a comfortable spot in the Top 10 whenever this chart was grabbed. It is the first day people can buy Thank You Camellia, the followup to his self-titled debut. Hell, he’s a nice guy. He probably wanted to help his old buddy out by whipping his fans into a frenzy upon seeing such horror over something so arbitrary. (And don’t even tell me some endless thread on some LiveJournal site hasn’t already been making top-bottom jokes in between penning album-release-day slash.)

Adam Lambert’s Trespassing has been out a week and has already sold between 70,000-80,000 copies. Whether or not he has a #1 album will be known tomorrow when Billboard releases the final sales tallies.

Lambert’s Trespassing will likely sell more albums given its broader marketing and pop appeal, so please, don’t even attempt to school me with historic numbers, Google trends, and anything else you idiots think of. And by idiots, yes, I am referring to a majority of Glamberts who have been spending an awful lot of time rating and reviewing his album. 3250?! Are you kidding me? Sitting in the top spot is uber-douche John Mayer and he only has 546 ratings. Tenacious D has 646. But Adam Lambert has…3250?! Wait. It’s now at 3252. You people are still nuts, aren’t you? There MUST be an organized effort to give 5 Stars so THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WILL RECOGNIZE WHAT A MUSIC PHENOM ADAM LAMBERT REALLY IS. Few artists are even close to that number, although I must say I DID breathe a sigh of relief when witnessing over 43,000 ratings for Adele’s 21. And how long has that album been out again?

Forcing me to go to the Community section of Adam Official now, aren’t you? (NOTE TO SONY: Please hire someone who knows about experience design to start mapping out your artist websites. Also, page load is ridiculous. You need to better optimize on-site graphics for all browsers. And NO ONE uses white-on-black text for content-heavy sites anymore.) There’s an entire section devoted to this sort of thing, including a large effort to increase views of Lambert’s videos. Not saying all fans don’t do this sort of thing…well, most um, don’t. But American Idol fans are a whole other breed.

And in case you were wondering, I have yet to listen to Thank You Camellia but I DID listen to Trespassing last week. Reviews of both of these albums to follow but needless to say, I enjoyed it and have no problem admitting it. Definite improvement over For Your Entertainment, although Better Than I Know Myself would have not been my choice for a first single. Obviously trying to capture a tiny bit of something off the minor success of Whataya Want From Me, Better Thank I Know Myself just doesn’t grab you the way other tracks–such as Cuckoo–does. Instead of playing it safe by something so tailored for the Hot Adult Contemporary realm, why not try to FULLY position Lambert as a sort of Mika 2.0? Just go with the gay for chrissake.

Spread the word. Do it.

Judges’ Choice

Randy chose Joshua’s first song, because they’re both black. Yup. You heard me. Randy calls Etta James’ I’d Rather Go Blind as “something of a classic on this show.” Translated into non-Randy speak = it’s one of the only [retro r&b] songs we have rights to that hasn’t been sung this season. Anyway, Sexy Sax Girl is doing her thing in the horn section. She’s the only blond so you cannot miss her. Joshua uses a color-coordinated retro-inspired mic which is pretty cool, as his the ensemble it matches. It’s a typical Joshua performance, he sings it like he was back in the gospel choir. La Lopez claims they STRUGGLE in choosing the right song for everyone while Steven Tyler rattles off whatever they told him to say in his typical unconvincing manner.

Smartly or somewhat coincidentally, Joshua’s performance leads into the new Kraft “Anything” Dressing ad from TBWA/Chiat Day. Which just happens to sound an awful lot like I’d Rather Go Blind.

Anyone else completely forget the names Erica van Pelt and DeAndre Brackensick? Because I totally did. But nice to see them and the other people (ELISE TESTONE).

Jennifer Lopez chose Jessica Sanchez’s song, Mariah Carey’s My All, because she thinks the world needs to see Clove sing something with tenderness. In reality, it’s because they are both female who only pledge allegiance to their respective Spanish-Colonial heritages when they need something. Oh, and PURE EVIL CANNOT BE TENDER.

Did you know Randy Jackson WORKS with Mariah Carey? He says its one of the best renditions of one of Mariah’s songs ever done on TV. The last bridge was excruciating and completely off-key. Like all of Jessica’s performance, this one is completely robotic and devoid of any legitimate emotion or comprehension of what she is singing about. To her, it is all vocal runs and octave jumping. Yet no one acknowledges this and Steven tells her she is going to be “the last one standing there.”

For Phil Phillips, Steven Tyler chose Madcon’s Beggin, which is the ONLY curiously interesting song of the evening. It’s a GOOD choice, even if we know how its going to pan out. (Naturally, Steven was responsible for P2′s “judge’s choice” because they are both white guys who once dabbled in rock & roll, and probably because a P2 performance is exactly like a Steven Tyler critique, the words might be different, but you always know what you’re gonna get.) With the exception of a job as an Aerosmith roadie (hello job security), this was probably the greatest gift Steven could give any contestant. As a WGWG, Phil is almost guaranteed victory, but the whiny fans of previous WGWGs calling for “a girl to win” and claiming Phil is “always the same” have me a little worried. But handing P2 a hip hop song when he’s in third position is always a surefire way to boost his chances. Nothing sets hearts aflutter like a WGWG turning a popular hip hop song into guitarama.

In several spots, Phil throws a bit more grit into his voice and shockingly, sounds less like Dave Matthews. He does strip out much of the melody but come on, you can still tell what he’s singing. He makes his constipated grunt-y faces so that’s all fun. And seems to actually be playing the guitar (Will always contend the show’s most skillful guitarist was Season 9′s Casey James). It eventually veers into DMB land, particularly the ending — leaving it open just seems very DMB, no? Do they do that in concert?

But this song did not offend me. Steven Tyler babbles something nonsensical and then tells P2 he wants him to write his own songs because he could be a “new age…[PAUSE] Boss.” Get this man on the bad stuff, someone, because he had more sanity and wiser judgment when he was on the sauce and whatever else. Phil Phillips, you’re not bad, kid, but you sure as hell should not be mentioned in the same breath as Bruce f**king Springsteen.

The judges fawn over Joshua and Phil, which is probably some ploy to score The Bad Seed more votes. So I can’t trust it. Nope. Never trust it. But IF there is any truth it in, it would be nice if people could just admit how unbelievably boring and unoriginal she is.

Contestants’ Choice / EVERYONE GETS KEYS TO THE CITY

Anyone else have the sudden urge to look through Joshua’s closet? No silly. But I guess I do see what I did there. I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS SPORTS JACKETS. But this is the good part, you see, because we get to see the contestants go home. Granted, I do not expect any of them to top the two most touching Homecomings in American Idol history — Eliot and Mama Yamin is untouchable, but Kris Allen quietly uttering don’t cry mama, does sit comfortably in second place. ‘Tis always better to be from Small Town America when you’re on American Idol. After going from private jet to cop-escorted limo, Joshua muses that his town is treating him like Barack Obama.

Joshua gets to attend the Sheriff’s Crawfish Boil, which in all honesty, is probably one of the cooler things contestants have ever attended. After being feted with crawfish, JOSH then puts on his Sunday Finest because we’re going to his family’s church. His gregarious preacher Dad appears to share a simliar respect for the sharp sports jacket. It is a tiny ramshackle church, one even a non-believer can dig — especially after all the goddamned megachurches paraded about on this shit show — even if I’m about 99.9% positive they speak in tongues when cameras are not around. Joshua brings his beloved niece with him in that Ford Mustang convertible throughout town. Here’s hoping One-Eyed Wanda got a good shot for her Instagram!

Joshua then performs James Brown in a packed arena and there are fireworks, but I’m too giddy thinking about One-Eyed Wanda. Time to go back to LA! To the Swaybots! To the Idol stage! To sing his choice — John Lennon’s Imagine. I’m never going to buy a Joshua Ledet album. But as I’ve said throughout the season, this kid better not ever have a career where he is not singing. Imagine lends itself to easy-listening gospel quite well, but I do prefer Joshua at his James Brown best. And yes folks, even I felt a bit warm & fuzzy inside seeing his BFF Hollie Cavanaugh cheer him on from the audience. THEY WILL BE REUNITED ON THE TOUR! NO TEARS!

Gotta admit, I am looking forward to Jessica Sanchez’s homecoming bit. BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO RIFE WITH EVERYTHING I LOATHE. Plus with her being in a San Diego suburb called Chula Vista, she’s never going to have the reception of her rivals. Because people just don’t care in California.

I know that when I was at home, I was homeschooled…and like, I didn’t have, like, a lot friends…and I was like, a dork and no one liked me…and this time guys were chasing my car.

Listen sweetheart, you’re 16. Your social life should pretty much be your high school. And if you’re homeschooled and no one likes you, then you pretty much just are the scourge of suburban humanity. And frankly, who wants to see this girl sing, I just want to see her assessment tests. This kid can’t have more than a 6th grade education. Anyway, since she’s from a hop, skip, and a jump from LA, she gets to ride on a helicopter, not a lear jet. And then she hangs out in the empty stadium where she auditioned (HA) and the Padres play so she can see her name on the Jumbotron. They somehow packed the Chula Vista Ampitheater, but she doesn’t sing and only seems to stop by, so I assume they were all there for…something else. SOMETHING LIKE THE CHANNEL 933 SUMMER KICKOFF CONCERT! Clove’s family pretends to be happy she’s home, but they look all sad and depressed — especially her little brothers.

Somehow, Idol rounded up some people to stand on the street for a Jessica parade. No idea why this all commenced at a high school since homegirl does not attend high school and likely reads at a 4th grade level (Hey, if you can show me where her parents could actually teach in an accredited educational institution, I’ll retract that statement. Until then…). Naturally, Jessica gets off on being fawned over because this is how she um, this is her life blood. She gets a Jessica Sanchez Day in Chula Vista and then gets to hang out on a Navy ship not because they needed to put all of her fans in one place, but because her father is in the Navy. (Her father also looks around my age…this scares me.) Thank you for serving our country, Mr. Sanchez. Sorry I loathe your offspring. I’m sure her little brothers are good kids.

While Jessica Sanchez sings Aerosmith’s own I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing — HER CHOICE!!! HER CHOICE!!! Can we throw her off now because she CHOSE that song?! — I will take solace in the image burned into my retinas of Idol’s version of Patsy & Edina.

What goes through Jennifer Lopez’s mind whenever she hears this song? Does she think about Benny Boy, aka the one that got away? Does Steven think about his daughter? How his daughter made that movie and helped end Bruce & Demi’s marriage. SEE?! Armageddon is a very special part of our cultural fiber. Oh yeah, The Bad Seed belts it out without any emotion. If you heard that on the radio, you would turn it off out of boredom. And that final note? Not good — she cracked in the middle. JLo thinks it sent people into the heavens. When was the last time you ever heard these alleged judge people ever offer real criticism?

When we visit Leesburg, Georgia for Philip Phillips’ homecoming, where a throng of people are actually waiting at the airport for him. I assume during the in between time before a daylight pawn shop visit, he had a conjugal visit with his girlfriend. He also gets a cheese fries dish at his favorite restaurant named after him — which is a surefire omen you’re gonna win American Idol, just ask Kris Allen. Phillip Sr. and mom Sheryl are  too damn adorable. Phil is visibly moved. Tears. TEARS. Come on, Sanchez, you were raised on this show. You should know the best way to pander for votes during homecoming is to CRY.

P2′s homecoming and adorable parents are almost enough for me to forgive him for turing a Disease, a Matchbox 20 song into a Dave Matthews Song, which is essentially the same as turning shit into sewage. Sexy Sax Girl is there — who wants to bet she ends up releasing an album all post-modern Candy Dulfer? But Sexy Sax Girl, sexy as she may be, isn’t really doing Phil Phillips any favors. Because she increases the DMB quotient. JLo, Steven, and Randy decide to actually criticize Phil for not MAKING IT A MOMENT. Uh, when the hell has Jessica Sanchez ever MADE A MOMENT? Ballad after ballad…even Joshua tends to do the same thing week after week.

Is Heejun Han just making faces because they lambasted P2? Maybe. Bigger question is WHY THE HELL IS COLTON DICKS-ON-A-STICK WEARING A DAMNED PINAFORE? Is he One-Eyed Wanda’s beard?

Jimmy Iovine’s Choice

Jimmy chose Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama for Joshua, which seems like a fairly safe and adept choice. And hell, any song that samples The Young & The Restless theme song, ya know? Joshua’s sparkly shoulders are a departure of sorts from his sharp sports jackets, but they catch the light a lot when you bounce around in fog. Whenever I see anyone bouncing on the Idol stage, I miss Skylar Laine. NOW JOSHUA IS STRIPPING AND TRYING TO WAKE UP HIS LEFT LEG. It must’ve fallen asleep. BFF Hollie is going crazy in the audience. (Again, I am touched) Damn, she is super tiny next to that baseball pitcher’s daughter who was on the show for like 2 minutes and wow, how did I recall the name Jeremy Rosado after all this time?

Personally, I would have picked something maybe more dynamic for Joshua, although this was a better fit than Imagine — but then again, he should not have been criticized for showing restraint when frankly, these people should be trying to show different facets of their talent. But you can’t win. You do something different, you weren’t that great. You do essentially the same song, you’re one-dimensional. You’re Jessica Sanchez doing a pathetic adult contemporary ballad every week, you’re akin to Whitney Houston. Don’t pretend any of it has any rhyme or reason.

Jessica pretends to be surprised when a box from AT&T arrives with a Beats by Dre speaker and matching Droid. The same setup in the oft-aired Jordan Sparks commercial. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE IDOL. Jimmy text her I’ll Be There by the Jackson 5. He wants to show people how young she is while still allowing her to resonate with older viewers. Groan. We are also told she is a child with the silhouette amusement park graphics aglow in the background. I’m tired. This is BORING. Boring. Randy is even bitching about there not being a moment-moment-moment and name checks Mariah again. Ok P2. It’s up to you. It’s yours to lose at this point.

P2 gets the Jordan Sparks package and all I know is that I really hope these kids get iPhones, too. Well, except for Clove. She needs a Droid in hot pink. But homegirl is really just a T-Mobile Sidekick when you come down to it. Yes, yes. I know I keep complaining about that kid. I’ll stop! [When she goes home.]

Jimmy wisely selects Bob Segar’s We’ve Got Tonight for Phil Phillips. Wait. Close your eyes. Who is this person? Who is singing?! It’s not Dave Matthews! It’s melodic. When it counted, P2 just sang when he needed to sing. And now there really is no doubt on who’s going to win.

Not just because I can’t stand the kid, but Jessica’s second position + lack of any real emotion during her performances or homecoming are what is going to do her in. Finally. It’s going to be a Phil vs. Joshua finale whether you like it or not. And please oh please oh please may those two not be forced to duet on Michael Jackson’s Black Or White.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight Kris Allen performs his latest single A Vision Of Love, which is not a Mariah Carey cover. It seems Nigel Lythgoe and company also decided to be charitable and HOLY HELL THERE IS TAYLOR HICKS. Somewhere in the back of a paint store, Lee DeWyze patiently waits patiently for his invite.

Last night, 53 million votes were cast. While I did not catch the show because I was busy doing some DIY costume for a party this weekend — I don’t usually do this sort of thing — a realization occurred to me. Why is Hollie Cavanaugh always safe? Bingo. She lives in Texas.

Everyone sings Dancing In The Streets. More and more, I just love this Skylar Laine. As much as I like the fact Jessica Sanchez was totally muffled during her solo. The buckets are nice. Guys who play the buckets are the only ones I ever give money to when I’m walking down the street.

Poor Skylar Laine ALWAYS has to have that Colton Dixon grinding up on her all snake-like as per the producers whims. They also tried to smother The Parent Trap Girl with balloons but she survived. Sanchez is pissed! Sanchez has already bitched her parents out for not moving to some small town in Texas.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO TIME
This has something to do with tripping acid at The Joshua Tree and seeing yourself as an astrological sign. Poor Joshua Ledet looked up and discovered he was SANJAYA. Oh the humanity!

Seacrest asks Hollie something and she starts talking American but then trails off into some sort of semi-Britness. But nice romper! Oh how I love rompers. Tina Fey, if you ever read this blog, btw, please have Joshua Ledet on an episode of 30 Rock where he’s a Tracy Jordan doppelganger. Ok thanks. Anyway, Seacrest calls the both of them up first because they’re BFF and he likes torturing people. Now I’m pretty glad I did not hear Hollie’s Son Of A Preacher Man because it did nothing for me. That’s just not a nice girl song.

Jimmy Iovine is pimping the DRE BEATZ for no explicable reason. Jimmy prefers Joshua to Hollie. I hope he backs this up when Joshua gets booted and gets the guy a record album. But it won’t be this week because shockingly, Joshua is NOT in the Bottom 3. But Hollie is! Texas! You need to keep voting! Hollie has tough-looking family members who will kick your ass. They are not pleased.

Is anyone else bothered by these “Bad Idea” Verizon ads because they completely ripped off the “Bad Idea Jeans” commercial from 1980s SNL?

Before Kris Allen takes the stage, Ryan Seacrest talks to Taylor Hicks. Hicks is tanner than Seacrest. He announces he will be in Vegas this summer. Seacrest mutters something about that’s where Tay Tay belongs. All of it is a bit awkward.

Oh Kris Allen…please don’t get dizzy. They’re spinning you and your piano around pretty fast and I’m worried you might throw up. I also want to smack the person in charge of social media as they are completely incapable of creating a proper hashtag.

Kris Allen is one of my all-time favorite contestants. Kid is a true musician. So please oh please oh please can’t his label start letting him make music that isn’t like, The Fray Revisited? I just can’t get excited over A Vision Of Love even though I like his falsetto. If you see this guy and his band play live, they have a good amount of actual BITE. They can jam. They can have fun. American Idol has always had such a problem with Kris Allen being out and proud with his fun self, ya know? Even three years later, they’re trying their damnest to make him the earnest one. They’re even trying to spin him to the point of dizzy exhaustion before he gets off his rotating stage.

Colton Dixon is faux-brooding during Allen’s performance which is bizarre but understandable since Dixon only wants you to liken him to Daughtry and David Cook. He’s some sort of uh, purist…

Now up to Skylar Laine and Elise Testone. This is gonna be easy, ya know? Skylar has built up too much momentum + she’s got a strong country base. I don’t want to see either of these two girls go home. I don’t recall seeing another female contestant on this show come in with such a commanding FUN stage presence as Skylar Laine. Carrie Underwood sang like a damned stroke victim every week. Elise is screwed because JLo said GOOSIES. Sort of feel like the Alicia Keys song was also pandering. Alicia Keys is just soooo, soooooo, sooooo packaged to be karaoke-d on the American Idol stage.

Jimmy thinks Elise is going to be “spending some time in her vacation home in the bottom 3.” He also said something about Let’s Get It On triggering a baby boom but uh, I thought that was about 20 years beforehand. Elise is just about out of here, which is a shame because she’s got a fantastic voice. Skylar needs to just keep building this momentum because she CAN make the Top 3. And when she’s still standing there and Jessica Sanchez is sent home, I will clap in the privacy of my own living room. Jimmy Iovine says she’s the best performer on the show — who doesn’t wholeheartedly concur?

Seacrest sends Elise to the Bottom 3 which pretty much means she’s going home…The entire send off to the uncomfortable stools was just so damn ominous. Will she? Won’t she? It’s time for LMFAO!

Since LMFAO is just the sons of Motown who decided to make a parody act + last night’s soul theme, I suppose it is apt for a Dick Clark tribute from Ryan Seacrest at this point in the show. He’s already writing his tribute piece for EW’s end of the year issue, no doubt. And Seacrest, really? Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve is the Dick Clark-ness closest to our hearts? Question: Has anyone ever enjoyed Rockin’ Eve outside of a childhood nostalgia context?

I don’t buy the faux-sniffle-tear move, JLo, not one bit. Now can someone tell me if LMFAO sings anything other than Party Rocking? But they might be doing it acoustic or something because it sounds completely different without the autotune. Like are all their songs called Party Rocking? That’s a pretty funny joke if its true. They should do that! They’re just parodying the Black Eyed Peas, right? In that case, they really DO deserve a BETTER HASHTAG. Although they did capitalize Idol this time around — sorry Kris Allen, as you do have a handful of butt-hurt fans who will internalize this, and you still have those passive-aggressive Glamberts still following your each & every move and they’ll point this out all passive-aggressively in the comments section at MJs or in the headache-inducing (Who does UX for Sony? Call them for me, too.) AdamOfficial.com. (In reality, someone just made a typo when they did the chryon. Don’t hurt them! Don’t send them black eyeliner and For Your Entertainment, either. )

Does American Idol even realize that you DO NOT HAVE TO HASHTAG EVERY INSTANCE OF THE SHOW? Perhaps this is an “easy way” to measure what people are talking about but you’re not going to get clear metrics because most Twitter users will completely disregard this hashtag. You’re forcing people to just load up 140 characters with annoying hashtags rather than simply using a tool to discern sentiment of your existing tweets mentioning the show. With all the money this show makes, purchasing software that pulls this information should be exceedingly simple. Aren’t you more curious to see what people are saying about your show outside of the hashtag — also considering some of these hashtags literally have a lifespan of about 20 minutes total. Keep your #telljimmy. That works. That’s weekly. Not a huge fan but at least you are consistent and sometimes I do use it. If you’re going to introduce an a secondary hashtag, that one is solid.

Seriously. You are American Idol. You might suck but you are still somewhat of a slick money-making machine with millions of viewers every week. You should have an effective social media strategy in play. Creating numerous hashtags for a single show should not be part of said strategy.

LMFAO is either a Black Eyed Peas tribute band or an actual parody act. Still not sure.

It is now down to Colton, Phil Phillips, and Jessica Sanchez. Regardless of how few people voted for her, Clove won’t be in the Bottom 3 after last week’s overwrought [see: staged] save. With the exception of Sexy Sax Girl on P2′s In the Midnight Hour, the whole thing kind of sucked, especially this misuse of classic neon signage in the background. Colton Dixon should just be sent home immediately for turning Bad Romance into a Daughtry B-Side and turning Earth, Wind & Fire into a David Cook number. All of his performances sound alike just as Phil’s do, just admit it.

Naturally, Jessica Sanchez did Alicia Keys’ Fallin‘ and she wore her hair wavy in a pathetic attempt to appear more relatable. Jimmy says he just now realized Clove is singing songs too old her for — really? Really? YOU JUST NOW CAUGHT THAT? After she sang a beyond tired Alicia Keys song about loving a man in prison? (Didn’t an 8-year-old David Archuleta also sing this song on Star Search?) Just now? Not after Whitney Houston’s ode to letting a lover go? Not after…all of Jessica Sanchez’s performance?

Jessica Sanchez has likely never sang an “age-appropriate” song because no one does that for pageants. Of course Jessica is safe. As is…Phil Phillips!! Colton Dixon, you are in the BOTTOM 3!!! Jesus does not like you as much as you thought, buddy! Because Jesus doesn’t like Daughtry music.

Maybe there IS a Flying Spaghetti Monster because Elise is NOT IN THE BOTTOM 2! Colton could go home! Colton could go home! A week ago, people were proclaiming him the winner and that P2 lost steam. Hahahahahahahahaha. Not happening, but as Idol will do anything to proclaim a female the winner, I buy anything they allege counted by Price-Waterhouse to be an absolute sham. Colton has been too damn cocky and he winks at the audience. People get freaked out when a rooster winks at them without a context. Perhaps people get tired of the cocky eye-f**king ones around this time.

Colton’s poor sister Schyler is in the audience crying, when she should be jumping for joy after all the times this show shit on her. Colton looks shocked and pissed. He apologizes for “not being himself last night.” Oh come on. You were too cocky. And you called your fans #messengers. I am not sorry you um, are leaving in SEVENTH PLACE.

Skylar Laine is flat-out thrilled right now because she doesn’t have to worry about you dry humping her leg until the last show of the season. Poor Hollie is sobbing because she has no idea how the hell she’s still there. All the while Colton Dixon leaves us on his knees, pleading with America to make him the next…Daughtry.

Spread the word. Do it.

TVLine’s Michael Slezak loved Jessica Sanchez, but was spong on for most everyone else. And how did I not gather Jen Hirsh ALSO sang Adele’s One and Only? Having 2 contestants singing the same song? WHY?

The LA Times’ Idoltracker seems to have confused Hallie Day and Elise Testone, but then again, I only saw about 30 seconds of those performances.

MJ also offers praise to Hallie Day — did I miss something? She also gets about 50 bonus points in my book for Seriously, he [Randy] flings bullshit like a monkey flinging his own poop.

BONUS! Kris Allen announced his new single on Facebook today. Or did something. Admittedly, I didn’t click the link someone Tweeted but I did click on this one. The Vision of Love is not a Mariah Carey cover. And he actually debuted it at a show a week or two ago. Was this the song I heard before and was kind of meh about? Not sure. You guys know I’ve always been a fan of Kris Allen–especially when he grunges it up a bit, takes a few risks, doesn’t go the Jason Mraz route. What do you guys think? (And judging by the rainbow-heart-shaped glasses Twibons “promoting” the song, can the Kerry Kolasches of the world stop calling him a homophobe or whatever it is they do? Do the Glamberts still fight with the Kris Allen people? Or are they off battling the EXTREME QUEEN TARDS? Do people still use Twibons? I should start Googling this stuff again.)

This has absolutely nothing to do with American Idol, and only would if Brielle von Hugel was a skater girl, but I can’t stop laughing my ass off at this phenomenal photo.

Spread the word. Do it.

I totally ordered Pad See Ewwwwww in honor of tonight’s momentous occasion. And I just felt that was rather appropriate given fact my evening plans. Tonight, the 11th season of American Idol begins. In Savannah. And with all this emphasis on how all these auditioners have been watching the show since they were under the age of 10, well, you know what they’re aiming for. Someone young! And hopefully, someone young who does not require a jock strap or cup when engaging in athletic endeavors.

Of course, the chances of a girl winning this year? Exactly. What are the odds Steven Tyler will stop Single White Female-ing Eddy & Patsy? Not good, but better than a girl winning American Idol.

Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there?

Who cares? We have all season to debate and I cannot wait. I probably could wait but whatevs, I’ve missed you guys. All of you delightful people who actually waste about 10-15 minutes of your day a couple of times a week reading the absolute drivel I bang out on my keyboard. American Idol is back — and so is TopIdol!

Mister Steal Your Girl

David Leathers, Jr. (Age 17)

David aka Mister Steal Your Girl looks like he’s 12 but he’s actually SEVENTEEN and all the girls love him because he sings and lo and behold, just a couple of years ago, he competed in a singing competition with that Scotty McCreery kid. Remember him? Did you know he went PLATINUM with that album with that song about telling the 3-year-old to lift their arms up above their head? I had no idea until I read that somewhere. No clue. This kid may actually make a few bucks and have a career, and you know what that means, he can buy a lot of lights for his baby to turn down low, and a lot of locks for the back door. And well, you know what? That was last season, on with the new.

I have no idea what Mister Steal Your Girl is singing but kid’s got a voice. You just know they’re gonna ask him if he knows “any Michael Jackson.” And they do. Because any pint-size black kid who doesn’t look his age but can sing pretty well automatically gets thrown into the Jackson bucket. (Personally, Mister Steal Your Girl reminds me of Dave on Degrassi.) But I can’t hate on this kid. He is sort of the exact opposite of a country-singing idiot blonde girl who’s really 16 but dresses likes she’s 42.

Gabi Carruba (Age 16)

Gabi gets “diaper dancer” home videos and a camera crew in her tap dancing studio, followed by an extensive Q&A about Steven Tyler with Ryan Seacrest. When she finally gets into the audition room, she asks to hug Nigel. (Granted, if I was auditioning for ANTM, I would ask to hump the leg of Nigel upon entering the audition room, but that’s Barker, not Lythgoe.) Abby looks all sweet and innocent and freshly-scrubbed and hell, with that natural brown hair, she might even fool me into liking her. I’m softening, aren’t I? NONSENSE. She is super sweet and immediately kisses Nigel’s ass upon meeting the judges. She is either a calculating teenage bitch or a potential National Merit Scholar. Therefore, I will continue to keep one suspect eyebrow raised until proven otherwise.

Brianna Faulk (Age 15)

She’s singing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. We have seen this contestant about 654 times before, just under different names. Next, please.

Neco Starr (Age 20)

He did not have to open his mouth for me to know he was gonna sing Bruno Mars.

Me no likey.

Molly Hunt (Age 15)

And we have a live one! She fits all of my criteria! Why didn’t anyone tell me Courtney Stodden was auditioning this season?

Elise Testone (Age 28!)

A musician/vocal coach who is not a high school student. Looks a little rough. Deep, bluesy voice. MAMA LIKE.

Save wardrobe budget: Shrink 'n' Wear Simon Cowell's t-shirts

Tres adorable. Ryan Seacrest is dressing just like his erstwhile lover, Mr. Simon Cowell.

OMG SO MUCH TALENT! NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT! THEY ARE ALL SO YOUNG AND SO TALENTED! 

Jessica Whitley (Age 19)

There Lea Michele-Pia Toscano love child is very strong in this one. But you know she’s gonna suck eggs because, well, OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN SO GOOD. You know how this shit is edited. You know how it works. Sadly, Miss Whitley is one of those poor contestants who has been raised to believe, for likely her entire life, that she is a REALLY GOOD SINGER. You can tell in her inflection, her passion, her elan. She claims dehydration and tells the judges she’ll see them in Texas.

This is just way too feel-good and syrupy. Not that I particularly enjoy watching dreams being dashed, as in more cases than not, the ones allowed to dream big on this show are usually the most insufferable. But this is all so chipper, so buoyant, so…fake. Even by American Idol standards. It’s almost on par with…with…a Jennifer Lopez for Fiat commercial!

Just because you're blond and dress & talk like an emcee does not mean you are the spitting image of Ryan Seacrest. But if you think it does, you may just get on national television.

Sean Kraisman (Age 26)

People tell him all the time that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Yawn. He’s clearly angling for a local announcer gig in some second-tier market. (He is apparently a “sales consultant.” I can see that, too. Wonder if its at a T-Mobile or AT&T store.) Or he already has one. Guess I can’t fault the guy for self-promotion.

Shannon Magraine (Age 15)

She’s really tall and has the athletic aura of new-money privlege. Kind of like that Ayla Brown, no? BINGO. Shannon’s father was former Cardinals’ pitcher Joe Magraine, so she’s like Nikko Smith + Ayla Brown. Everyone wants to meet her family! She brings them all in. Not sure where the daughters start and stop but the majority seem to be wearing ROMPERS (The preferred warm weather fashion of TopIdol!) and well, her father was a Cardinal so I mean…and he’s very gregarious and even asks Steven Tyler how things are up in “Beantown” (No one in “Beantown” calls it that, by the way) so I’m warming up to this volleyball-playing rich girl who doesn’t not look like Jennifer Lawrence from certain angles and then Steven Tyler answers Magraine’s query:

Hot, humid, and happening. Just like your daughter.

Oh who cares. I wish he was back on the sauce so we could hear more creepy uncle stuff. Shannon Magraine is marginally talented, she’s bluesy. She sings Etta James AND she doesn’t sing At Last. You know me, I’m a sucker for those teenage contestants who have other things going on, like being literate, or playing volleyball. And she looked like a teenager, ya know? And her father was a Cardinal.

HOW THE HELL HAS NO ONE SANG ADELE YET?

Get ready for the montage of people who suck. People yell. And yell. And yell. And BOOM SHAKA LAKA

We could have had it alllllllll

Seriously? It took THIS long?

Amy Brumfield (Age 24)

When Amy walked in, I thought for sure she was a belly-dancing gypsy kind. Ok. I wasn’t entirely off-base. She lives in a tent off in the middle of the woods in Tennessee. Living in a tent off in the middle of the woods is the new in a van down by the river, no? Amy can’t afford a “$100 a week hotel room” but she does own a few rhinestone baubles. Her significant other wears an ironed shirt. No, these kids aren’t rich, but that’s a nice tent. That’s a decent setup. They’re living in the woods because they want to…but I’m sure Idol wants a better angle, ya know? I mean, they don’t want to stay in a tent forever, but they’re enjoying it. And they love each other. And boyfriend Blake’s mother bought her outfit and jewelry — she ain’t ever been dressed this nice in her entire life.

Amy Brumfield lives in a tent. ($10 says she's a Burner.)

I like Amy. She’s got spunk. I suspect she’s also a Burner. They could/should be. They must at least do regional burns. These are good-hearted, industrious people. I almost like her enough to not hold singing an Alicia Keys song against her. She’s like a Winter’s Bone Crystal Bowersox. Her voice is raspy and she’s a self-described hippie — not a HIPSIE, Ms. Lopez.

Hey, can I pitch a tent behind the mansion?

If she gets to that miracle mile bullshit and they cut her…I mean, we now have our first cohesive “plot” of Season 11 — unless that Jessica Whitley chick actually does show up in Texas.

Joshua Chavis (Age 23)

Joshua wants to sing in front of a live audience (What? THERE WAS NO OPEN BAR WHERE YOU LIVE?) and hopefully, one day, the national anthem at a NASCAR race. He also mentions his BOYFRIEND and then squeals about meeting Jenny From The Block. With the exception of that last omission, I love this openly gay redneck. American Idol doesn’t want you to know there are gay people, let alone GAY NASCAR FANS.

Of course if gay NASCAR fans do exist, and if they should try out for American Idol and aren’t that good, then they’re probably open for ridicule, right? You know, Joshua isn’t HORRIBLE. If you put him in vocal lessons for a year or 2? He hit some of those notes. I can’t hit those notes. Jennifer Lopez sure as hell can’t hit those notes without autotune. And yes he really wants it, but would you have called him TERRIBLE if he wasn’t gay?

Please Joshua, if you’re reading this, come over and visit TopIdol. We would love to hear from you.

Stephanie Renee (Age 15)

When Stephanie was 8, she watched American Idol all the time. And she LOVED Carrie Underwood. She claims being on American Idol is what every girl dreams of. She’s also wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even be sold at a Forever 21. And of course she’s gonna sing Carrie Underwood’s goddamn winner’s song. JLo says she has some beautiful notes but sounds nasal. Steven says yes (she is female), Randy says no, and of course La Lopez says YES, because La Lopez wants everyone to think she’s a good person.

Stephanie Renee doesn’t seem like a manipulative teen bitch, and she probably reads at at least a 6th grade level. But she did sing Carrie Underwood (the coronation song!) and is already going by her first and middle name alone. (Who do you think you are? LAUREN ALAINA SUDDETH?!) But her family looks appears pleasant enough.

(AM I GOING SOFT?!)

What? We’re only halfway done?! Fine. Let’s revising some [manufactured] sibling drama! I remember these people! He’s the guy with David Cook’s old hair! OH NOEZ! He’s not auditioning this season.

Schyler Dixon (Age 17)

Jennifer Lopez doesn’t really remember her, you know that, right? She saw that Schyler auditioned last year (and how far she got) when she looked down at that little application. She knows she “met you” last year because its on that piece of paper in front of her and the producers told her this before you entered the room. If you met Ms. Lopez on the street, she would spit on you and then laugh.

No Jennifer Lopez. You did not remember her. Stop trying to act. You’re not good at that, either.

So…you can just audition on the spot, even without a number? Even without going through those 3-4 “producer rounds?” No one called you before hand and told you how this was gonna play out?

Bullshit.

Colton Dixon (Age 19)

The man with David Cook’s original hair is gonna sing David Cook’s Permanent. Ok. No offense to David Cook, who remains one of my all-time favorite contestants on this show and, along with Bo Bice, is pretty much responsible for forcing contestants to at least attempt to demonstrate some sort of musicianship, but what dude in their early 20s do you know is all like, I love David Cook. And I think it would be great if David Cook actually got some non-female fans that discovered him outside of American Idol, but this is just weird. And now I’m looking at his vest and his t-shirt and his hair and HOLY FRAKING CHRIST COLTON DIXON IS A DAVID COOK MAU.

His initials are the same as David Cook's if you do it backwards.

This being said, I would actually probably enjoy Colton Dixon on the show if he cut down on the wailing. I can’t see myself enjoying Colton Dixon outside of American Idol, but you know, cheap entertainment for the sake of my blog.

And Brother & Sister Dixon both get golden tickets, although Schyler is still just a number and COLTON DIXON’s name is on his ticket. But they still love each other, even if Brother stole Sister’s moment AGAIN. Isn’t your heart just all tickled and warm right now?

Lauren Mink (Age 25)

There is something almost Connie Britton-esque about this one, and she works with the disabled. Yes she’s blond. Yes she sings country. But she’s kind of Connie Britton-esque and has a real job doing something good and oh christ, she sang a GWYNETH PALTROW song. Did you ever think you would see someone sing A GWYNETH PALTROW SONG…ever? Miss Mink is going to Hollywood. I’m okay with it. Her voice is fine and she is of a normal, healthy weight and wears minimal makeup.

DAY 2

I’ve watched this show long enough to know that when a West African man announces he’s going to sing Rascal Flatts, zero good can come out if it. Because the only thing “funnier” than being gay on American Idol, is being an immigrant. This show can barely get an African-American into the Top 5 anymore, let alone someone who was born about 6000 miles away from the Mason-Dixon Line.

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE DON’T HUMILIATE HIM

Mawuena Kodjo (Age 25)

I almost don’t even want to watch. Because no good can come of it. No good can come out of it when you subtitle everything a man says, even though his English abilities are quite up to par. But this is American Idol. And this guy is NOT AMERICAN. Hear him talk with his FUNNY ACCENT. Give him Rhinestone Cowboy as his soundtrack. Give him SUBTITLES. Because its all about the pointing and laughing.

Rascal Flatts? Oh…you like country music?!

Oh Jenny From The Block. Look at you, all surprised, there’s a man from West Africa and he likes country music. And you asked loudly, of course, because that’s what ignorant schmucks do when they think someone doesn’t know English. Too bad he didn’t respond with, oh, but you claim to be Puerto Rican but you did Diddy and Ben Affleck and child backup dancers. Because that’s what I would have said if I was an African man who liked country music and JLo asked me that, just saying.

Sigh…you know what happens.

It's not American Idol if no one mocks a sweet immigrant.

Oh and to the old redneck outside, not every African man is a runner. Just saying. But at least old redneck and that cadre of children wanted him to go to Hollywood.

I’m gonna be the first African country music star.

I will start taking up a fund for Mr. Kodjo’s singing lessons to prove those bastards wrong. Who’s with me? And who else remembers that absolutely inane show on E! (E! is the Devil) called Love Is In The Heir? Someone else must have seen that show…about an “alleged Iranian-American princess” who wanted to be a country music star and find someone to marry her? Does this sound familiar?

Ashlee Altise (Age 28)

Talkative black girl with dreads = CRAY CRAY. With the rare exception of say, Naima Adeapo, or even Nadia Turner, you cannot be a funky black female on American Idol. You can be a woman of color and maybe even make it to the Top 5, but if you show the slightest signs of irreverence, it is unacceptable. (They had no idea about Fantasia, trust me. THANK YOU FANTASIA FOR BEING CRAY CRAY!) American Idol ascribes to a George Washington Carver world view of sorts, at least when it comes to African-Americans who are not say, established talent appearing on their show. Mostly white idiots watch this crap and Fox/Freemantle assume that they want their black folks to display certain qualities — particularly the women. Sing Whitney. Belt out the high notes. Being fat is okay if you can belt out big notes. Sing it karaoke, just like Aretha and Whitney. Sing that terrible Get Here song. American Idol prefers their ladies of color to be of the adult contemporary variety.

When Ashlee Altise starts belting out Come Together, I am (almost) shocked. She was set up to be cray-cray. SHE HAS DREADS. SHE DANCES. But Ashlee has the pipes to back it up. Also: excellent song choice. Why do I feel as if Ashlee is not long for this world? The good ones never are…and $10 says she’s going to be one of the contestants who pisses everyone off on group day during Hollywood Week.

DAY 2 MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS

W.T. Thompson (Age 25)

We are led to believe this blond bruiser of a man doesn’t make it. That it’s touch or go. The drama is built up, yet…we see AT-HOME FOOTAGE. And the tears of a young lady. The  former prison screw decided to quit his job to try out for American Idol. Even though he has a pregnant wife. Because it is his dream. Steven says no…Jennifer says yes…Randy likes the power. Randy thinks W.T. will be EATEN ALIVE. Of course W.T. makes it. Hey, that’s cool. His voice was kind of good and he and his friends look like a lot of fun. He doesn’t appear to be a religious kind, like that Michael Sarver, but hell, we only saw him for like, 3 minutes. But I saw no cross and the one buddy looked like a friendly vicious biker.

THIS IS WHY REALITY TV HAS WRITERS

Apparently, in Savannah, there are hundreds of attractive women who cream their panties for Steven Tyler. Yes, Steven Tyler got a lot of tail back in the day, before he morphed into an Ab Fab-loving drag queen, and he’s still got a shitload of money and sometimes still tours with Aerosmith in stadiums across the land, so yes, it is not inconceivable to believe he can still get laid, but come on! I bet some of these girls were too young to even remember Crazy or Cryin’. And they’re auditioning for American Idol! They want to be on TV! People will do anything to be on TV! There’s even an entire network devoted to these individuals and it is called TLC.

She traveled to Buffalo just to grope Steven Tyler.

Erica Novak (Age 20-something )

Did Erica really travel all the way from Buffalo, NY to meet her “future ex-husband Steven Tyler?” She doesn’t even care if she goes out in “security cuffs” if it means she gets to kiss.

To hell with the golden ticket, just give me a fucking hug.

Doubt Steven Tyler minded his ass getting grabbed. Just like I’m sure Joss Stone is probably okay with people still singing her music, even if its not very good.

Brittany Kerr (Age 23?)

Brittany is a dancer for an NBA team. She is attractive in the bland conventional way dancers for NBA teams are attractive. She is blond. She is also singing…JOSS STONE. WTF JOSS STONE? Her voice is mediocre, at best. Mediocre at best, sufficient for the bland conventionality of an NBA dancer. Once this girl gets the heave-ho, she will likely appear as a contestant on The Bachelor within the next two years.

The only notable part about this audition was that it was used to illustrate something very obvious, that Randy and Steven will always give the “pretty girl” the benefit of the doubt. In reality, it just proved that Jennifer Lopez, like Kara DioGuardi before her, is an insecure twat. Brittany is by no means actress or model pretty and her voice is absolutely nothing to write home about, but she is an NBA dancer currently being admired by 2 men sitting on either side of Jennifer Lopez. SHE IS YOUNGER. She must be eliminated because she is a threat to PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (Come on, kids…why didn’t Pia Toscano get to duet with a more famous & talented person at last year’s finale?)

GAME OVER. ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.

Philip Philips: The next American Idol? Maybe. The next American Idol contestant to be lusted after by women at least 2-4x his age? Definitely.

Philip Philips (Age 20) 

Philip Philips is inoffensively cute. Cute in the way that you would want the guy your daughter may or may not be schtupping at homecoming to be cute. His middle name, if it is not Philip, should be aw shucks. He wears plaid. He works at his father’s pawn shop, which seems to carry a lot of ready-to-mount taxidermy. Philip Philips has a guitar. Philip Philips is a junior. His father is loving and supportive and smiley also, obviously, named Philip Phillips. His mother, who should be named Philipa but probably is not, loves Ryan Seacrest, although in her opinion, he is not as handsome as Philip Philips, Sr.

Philip Philips is American Idol gold and he doesn’t even have a dead (or comatose) girlfriend. He’s even gonna sing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition. Everybody loves it when white boys sing soul, particularly Stevie Wonder, particularly Superstition. (But black men, well, they just can’t sing country.)

Philip Philips is good. He’s better than your average bar singer and as we’ve seen, he’s cut his teeth playing live shows around his hometown. Philip Philips hasn’t even picked up his guitar. It doesn’t matter that Philip Philips is wearing flip flops. Homeboy can really play guitar. Homeboy is not playing Stairway. Homeboy is playing Thriller. Philip Philips has busted out the big guns his first time out of the gate — was that a mistake, a la Andrew Garcia, who never quite met the expectations set by his acoustic cover of Paula Abdul’s Straight Up? Doubt it.

Philip Philips has the looks of a supporting character on Friday Night Lights. Philip Philips might be the most perfect White-Guy-With-Guitar ever seen on American Idol. It’s like they took all the qualities of the last 4 winners and merged them into one nubile Super-White-Guy-With-Guitar. And frankly, the only think interesting about Your Cousin Phil DeWheezy was that he worked in a paint store. Well, Philip Philips works in a PAWN STORE. He is the plaid shirts & Michael Jackson-loving song-re-arranger with loving parents a la Kris Allen. He has the aw shucks guy-next-door demeanor and speaking tendencies of Scotty McCreery, although its a bit more seasoned given the fact he has a few years on the kid. He sings his re-arranged songs with the throatiness of the original WGWG, David Cook. His guitar skills even appear to be on par with Season 9′s Casey James, who may have not been the most talented WGWG vocally, but damn, that could could play guitar. Philip Philips is also NOT wearing a cross.

Dear Philip Philips, I feel very, very sorry for you. You have no idea what’s gonna happen now that all those old ladies, ahem, American Idol’s ardent fanbase, has seen you on their television screens.

Yes, yes. It is only the first night out but I think we have a winner. American Idol is never as entertaining as I want it to be, but I’ve been sitting here typing about it for almost 4 hours so I really want it to be, ya know? Tonight’s episode was surprisingly–with the exception of the whole mocking immigrants and gay NASCAR fans thing, and (obviously) Jennifer Lopez–kind of…good? It dragged on forever and people kept singing Joss Stone (didn’t she go the way of the dodo bird and Leelee Sobieski?), but it could have been so much worse. It could have been…last year.

What did you think of tonight’s show? How much did you have to drink to get through the entire 2 hours? Do you think Philip Philips is gonna win it all, even though we’ve only seen one audition city? Do you think they should just throw in the towel and change the name of the show to American White Guy With Guitar Mild Idol? Start talking.

Spread the word. Do it.

55,000,000 votes? 55,000,000 votes? 55,000,000 votes were cast for last night’s American Idol?

Duets? Clearly Nigel Lythgoe is getting tired of people berating him via Twitter about the gawd awful lip syncing, as now these kids are singing duets and its not even the finale. At least Lauren Alaina covered her thighs. I must admit, though, its a bit disconcerting to see two teenagers singing some song called I Told You So about a a broken love affair now filled with regrets. I know people tend to mate younger in the south but I don’t want to see these two kids sing mature love stuff to one another before they at least get their GEDs.

Naturally, Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina are both safe. As soon as Ryan Seacrest utters both of you, its not that Sunday School Strumpet is thrilled she’ll live to cackle and kiss ass yet another week, but she clearly knows they were in no danger of leaving anyway. You can read it on her smug face.

They don’t even let Lauren Alaina to talk on Ford promos. But don’t you feel bad for these poor kids? Every week, the same damn set, the same damn Ford Focus. Sigh. (And will someone just tell me why Randy Jackson is wearing The Heart Of The Ocean? Did you see that? Why is he wearing the necklace the old lady dropped in the ocean??)

Casey Broflovski and Haley Reinhart are totally schtupping. You can see it in her eyes when Ryan asks him about his beard. She smiles, giggles, and nods with the knowing look of a girl who is schtupping the guy you are speaking to. This is the look of a girl who is schtupping the guy sitting next to her.

Ryan tells us about all the fan mail and gifts received by the contestants. That James Durbin, he gets a ton. Fans Old women with no lives are sending him bracelets! He wears them! Some bought him a WWE belt with Crazy James engraved on it.

We saw the country people sing. Now the CONTESTANTS OF COLOR get to do their best Ashford & Simpson. There is a reason the country kids were on stools. Naima Adeapo and Jacob Lusk can boogie. Ohhhh. I like them. Naima also looks great. Jacob, man, that cat is full of so much emotion. But he doesn’t need to worry. We already know…Naima is in the Bottom 3.

Fantasia is here. She’s dressed like Jessica Rabbit. Its phenomenal, although it will NEVER EVER compare to Fantasia’s appearance in Season 7. I also want to know why she’s singing about cornbread. This show is so racist! She’s singing about cornbread and sweet potato fries. And collard greens. Of course Fantasia would follow Jacob and Naima. American Idol may as well just do a full-on minstrel show next week. Fantasia, well, she’s got such a sweet voice. And I so want a gif of Jacob Lusk clapping excitedly after Fantasia recites her advice, even though I know the camera panned to him because you know, he’s a man of color.

Thia Megia, Pia Toscano, and Haley Reinhart are doing Teenage Dream. Thia is wearing an adorable dress. Pia somehow makes Katy Perry’s annoyingly infectious hit sound like a ballad. Poor Naima sits on the side, all alone on her uncomfortable stool, clapping gamely.

So from that fun to the ultimate buzz kill.

Jesus, Seacrest. You can be such a douche. Naturally, Pia is safe. She’s very pretty. This is why she’s never developed a personality. Because she’s pretty. And as you suspected, Thia, in her adorable dress and too-fun necklace, is sent to the uncomfortable stools. At least Naima no longer has to sit alone.

You know what’s funny? How you can start this show late and be almost caught up, even with pausing for pictures and stuff. I have no idea why they didn’t let this guy sing. I also have no idea why he’s growing his hair out, but I mean, come on. you’re gonna let him come back again and sing, right? What if he promises to cut his hair?

Let’s look at the rock star lifestyle that 2 people will have to leave behind.

I know you don’t write this stuff, Seacrest, but don’t you want to beat up your teleprompter sometimes? Anyway, the contestants all got to go to some party for Muhammad Ali. And this is the part where I write OH HELL NO:

The Greatest suffers from debilitating Parkinson’s Disease. Hasn’t he suffered enough? Pia Toscano, well, she feels blessed and honored for meeting a man like that. Like any good pageant queen, she also wants whirled peas.

Remember that bullshit about the Idol manse being haunted? Yeah. Bullshit. It actually just sprung a bad leak so everyone had to move. The best part about this was watching Lauren Alaina, wearing her stupid fringe boots, fall on her ass down the stairs. I whooped. I know, I know. Horrible, right? But I whooped. In my living room. I whooped. This is what happens when you hug Muhammad Ali and you are undeserving. He’s got special powers. You should know this.

Funny, at Tuesday’s rehearsal, Marc Anthony seems to be very involved. Wonder if there is any truth to the National Enquirer’s story about Marc really being the one who’s doing all the astute judging? Sure, it may be a rag but…it makes sense. And

Remember how the white guys formed a band? Well, they allow them to perform. So you have 2 white guys with guitars (James Durbin and Paul McDonald), 1 white guy with bass (Casey Abrams) and 1 white guy on keys (Stefano Langone). Pauly Whites starts things off in one of the creepiest, most off-key pedo whispers I’ve ever heard. The entire performance of Band on the Run is something akin to a bunch of 8th grade boys finding some old instruments and deciding to form a band. Steven Tyler, who MUST be on some strong anti-depressant since going sober, gamely tells them they can open for Aerosmith.

Casey Broflovski, of course, is safe. He seems to have garnered quite a few of the votes. James Durbin is safe–even after mentioning Pepsi! It’s down to Stefano and Paul…WHAT? WHAT? NOOOOOOOOO.

How the hell is Paul McDonald in the Bottom 3 and Stefano Langone safe? And I certainly hope you don’t mind if I fast forward through that garbage, i.e., will.i.am + Jamie Foxx to find out what happens. They are literally singing something called Hot Wings from some upcoming Pixar movie. Before Naima goes home, I really hope one of the dancers give her their costume. All these bright colors. All these dancers and people on drums. I really don’t want to party and samba with any of them but find myself strangely mesmerized. Jennifer Lopez, who has not really been allowed to speak all night, mugs for the camera by shaking her groove thing from her chair. It breaks the spell, only yet I am then intrigued by the Esther Williams-esque formation happening on the stage. Ok. Enough already.

Lauren Alaina. Quit your sobbing. Why oh why must the camera keep panning to you? Crying won’t make people like you.

I don’t think Idol rigged the votes this week, as Naima and Thia are the ones going home. Killing 2 girls with 1 stone. Wait…not a single male contestant has been eliminated (Casey Broflovski does not count). This lends credence to that whole theory about who votes for this stuff, does it not? But I’m kind of sads. I loved Naima and I liked Thia. If only she would have waited a year or two. She would have been golden. The only halfway likeable girl left is that Haley Reinhart, but Thia has better taste in frocks. Naima, America just wasn’t ready for your brand of awesome. Thia, you should have showed more bitch face.

Spread the word. Do it.

I was already taken to task for not watching this live via the Twitter. Hey! I never watch the Pro Bowl! And I’m trying to leave my house right now and I got sucked into this ridiculous Red Carpet from the SAG Awards on E! I’ve already lost 20% of my brain cells just listening to Guiliana Rancic talk to people. That orange bobblehead is making Oskar scratch my sofa. MAKE IT STOP.

If you want to hear more of my random nonsense, follow my ass on Twitter.

Spread the word. Do it.

There are obviously more Kris Allen in Santa Rosa videos available, as Idol fantards never let a live show happen without someone being there to film every fraking thing. But you know…its just different than say, filming/recording String Cheese Incident or something. These are like, half-hour sets for radio station concerts.

I guess he took off his jacket or something. Maybe he was hot. Those stage lights make things bright. And maybe he did in a “stripper” fashion as to make you laugh. I didn’t watch it. So…your squees are not welcome in these parts.

But Kris Allen, you’re still my favorite Idol winner since Kelly Clarkson and I really, really, really want you to have an awesome career. From everything I’ve seen, you’re a super-funny dude with a good head on your shoulders. You can count on me to buy your follow-up album and I would see you live if you come to my area for a non-radio concert. I just can’t take the way people squee about you anymore. I know you don’t shit gold nuggets and all that stuff. So I’m sick of seeing people talk about you and Tweet to you as if you do shit gold nuggets. I really like you, Kris Allen, but my threshold for fantarding is non-existent.

So…

• Do not tard
• Do not mention Adam Lambert or David Cook. I did not see either of them rapping in the above video.
• Do not tard

Got it? Good.

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox. Poor Crystal Bowersox. Sure, she has a recording contract, recently got married, new teeth, all that good stuff. Why would I PITY this poor girl? Especially when Bowersox’s first single is coming out and…she doesn’t seem all that thrilled about it. So why would I pity her? It’s simple.

Come on, Crystal, keep bitching! PLEASE. Jive really must be the most idiotic major label in the industry, or they really are purgatory for [Idol] artists before they take that bullet train through the Chunnel into obscurity. (What the hell did they do with Allison Iraheta? Releasing that Kris Allen song-that-was-not-meant-to-be-a-duet with that talentless loser from Train? And what happened to that Archuleta kid?)

It’s called Hold On. It was written by [Shrill Harpy/Kristen Wiig of Music] Kara DioGuardi and Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger. (And Bowersox didn’t get the co-write, which I think she is upset about? Hey, be happy you didn’t get a co-write on this little ditty. But its not like Jive is really into letting you write all your own songs, so…)

SERIOUSLY? Yo, Jive, are you like that dude in those Saw movies or something? Is this the recording industry’s version of a reverse bear trap? Why torture the poor girl? Just get it over with and shoot her. Seriously? A debut single taking its name from some terrible Wilson Phillips crap from the 1990s that was written by Kara “Shit-For-Brains” DioGuardi and some idiot from Nickelback?

Here is a demo. It sounds like something originally written for Carrie Underwood. In other words, something I would only enjoy if drunk.

This is the best you got for Crystal Bowersox? She has talent! A song by Kara DioGuardi some douche from scourge of “rock music” Nickelback with the same title as a shit Wilson Phillips song? Yes. That bore repeating. I listened to the demo and well, I’ve heard this song about 341 times before. And I’ve already forgotten it. All I know is that I have that damned Wilson Phillips song in my head now.

BTW. This post is about Crystal Bowersox. Not Kris Allen. I will ban anyone who turns this into some “Kris & Jive” shit. Capisce?

Spread the word. Do it.

I want to believe Kris Allen votes democrat. Or at least leans to the left, which I always assumed since he seems like an open-minded worldly kind of guy. His Tweets also skew more clever than blah.

You guys should really check out my massive Music of Mad Men post, which has nothing to do with Kris Allen, or American Idol. Because frankly, I am so fraking sick of talking about American Idol.

Spread the word. Do it.