So open up Adobe CS4 or get your watercolors from the attic. Channel your inner tardist. I want to see your ORIGINAL American Idol tard art.

Send me your entries, and I will post them right here with your name. At the end, we can vote on them. I’m not sure what you will win yet, but you will win something. Actually, I just thought about it and yes, I have selected a very special grand prize.

Blingees are also acceptable, although even if you are completely lacking in talent, that does have the potential to only HELP you in this competition. All I care about is the creative expression. Remember — this is a free for all! Photos! Videos! PowerPoint! Blingee! Pencil & Paper! You have the creative freedom to express yourself in any way you know how.

Get your entries in. You have until one week from today — June 18 at MIDNIGHT EST. Voting will then commence the following day and the ballot will be open for three days.

1. Deez
TARDSTINE CHAPEL

This is the first entry and well, I must say, its gonna be a very tough act to follow. Deez may have to commission these as t-shirts. My mouth is agape right now.

2. Nerdgirl
THE TRUTH UNTRUNK-ATED

I wish I could could think of a better title for this, alas. But it is ADORABLE. LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Nerdgirl, this is EPIC SQUEE.

3. Nerdgirl
2 HEP CATS & THE ODD KITTY OUT

Nerdgirl is having so much fun on PowerPoint, she decided to imagine what American Idol Season 8 would have been if the contestants were feline. Come to think of it, I bet Paula saw cats on stage every night. (Side note, I grew up with a black cat almost just like “Adam!” And “Kris” is clearly a Maine Coon. You know who else is a Maine Coon? OSKAR! Meanwhile, Tabby Danny is making heart paws at the mail carrier.)

4. Burgundy LaRue
THE BEAUTIFUL DOCTRINE

Vadlimir Nabokov believed writing was the only true art. Vlad must have known Burgundy LaRue. In fact, I bet Burgundy was the inspiration for one Lolita Haze. Since this may be one of the best all-time favorite contributions to Top Idol, I felt it needed exposure to a larger audience.

Why is your monster a green stop sign? Why does your facial expression suggest that you’re surprised by this? Are you in the middle of an identity crisis? Are you looking for a helping hand? You’ve come to the right place.

We at Top Idol are here to help you receive the proper care you need. We specialize in dealing with Transformative Adolescent Regression Disorder, better known as TARD. It’s where seemingly normal adults revert to acting like 12-year-olds and using the adult equivalent of I’M TELLING MY MOM!–which is I’M CALLING MY FRIEND/BROTHER/IMAGINARY MONKEY IN MY CLOSET WHO IS A LAWLER FOR THE F-BEE-I!

TARD treatment can be a painful process, depending on how far gone you are. If you merely buy useless magazines for a two-sentence snippet of your favorite Idol that’s buried in the classifieds alongside at-home stuffing envelope businesses and penis enlargement pumps, then the process should will merely be gentle chiding.

But if you find yourself dressing like your favorite Idol, buying 200 copies of their CD, spending you life savings to move to the US just to be closer to your supposed one true Idol love, or having written a Old English Dictionary-length book that covers a chicken-scented scandal that robbed your Idol of their rightful title, then the process will include Fostering Regenerative Assessment Unification, also known as FRAU. This 17-week therapy will include internet psychoanyalsis, merciless mocking, and name calling. I’ll be honest–it won’t be pretty. But if you stay the course, I assure you that the reward will greatly outweigh the pain.

We at Top Idol are licensed by the board-approved Oskar. He is always there if needed and can answer all questions.

Please be sure to take one of our informative pamphlets to learn more about TARD and FRAU’s positive effects. Top Idol is here to help you this difficult time. Please join us.

4. OhNoNotStarr / Starr
OMG THEY KILLED KRIS ALLEN YOU BASTARDS

Kristard Starr talks in complete sentences and can hold normal conversations — even when posting on her Kris Allen fansite Fourteen Plums. I assume the only reason she gave Kris Allen hair like Justin “The Moppet of Beelzebub” Bieber’s is because that was the closest option when creating your own South Park character. Starr is good people, and she also subscribes to my belief that creating a South Park character is the quickest way to artistic enlightenment.

5. CB
FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT

CB embodied the soul of every true tard in her tribute to the great Adam Lambert. She made a Blingee!

6. Nerdgirl
NERDGIRL LOVES POWERPOINT AND SINGING DOLPHINS

Nerdgirl is having way too much fun making tard art on PowerPoint. Here she sums up everything that goes on during the American Idol Tour.

7. Kate123
FORBIDDEN LOVE

Kate123 shows true artistic talent with her inspired imagining of Kradam’s typical romantical evening.

8. Kate123
THE LAST IDOL

Kate123′s The Last Idol is a religious experience of symbolism and metaphor. Kate123 has even clued us in to some of the secrets held within this great work — Rumour has it that by drawing a five line musical staff across the painting, the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

9. Anonymous (aka Deez)
KOLSCH & KOLSCH ATTORNEYS AT LAW

Deez can also find work as a commercial artist. Perhaps she should move to Florida and specialize in designing promotional materials for crusading law firms. Her first client? Kolsch & Kolsch, of course!

10. JaneRochester
ODE TO AN AMERICAN IDOL

JaneRochester proves she is quite the poet.

“Ode on an American Idol” (with massive apologies to John Keats)

Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour,
Thou foster child of Freddie and Stardust,
Zodiacal chanteur, who canst thus express
A sparkling tale more gaily than your song:
What glitter-tinged aureole glows about thy head
Of fairies or fellows, or of both,
In L.A. or the dales of Knoxville, Tenn?
What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
The elephant is truth, truth elephant,–that is all
We know on earth, and all we need to know.

*No homophobia was intended in the making of this art.

11. Hyde
TEH EVUL EMPIRE

Hyde captures the heart of TopIdol (and our Patron Saint Kerry Kolsch).

12. Maturin
THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER

Maturin loves the Jesus imagery. She also loves it when David Archuleta shows up with pizza.

13. CC
GLAMOPOCALYSE — THE PLAID MENACE

CC has designed the poster to the next huge international blockbuster, which will likely be the worst film of the trilogy.

14. Saskin
THE BIGGEST STAHS EVER

Saskin just made my morning. This is the first of her two monumental entries. She gets bonus points for creating the first entries featuring Syphilis Idol Constantine Maroulis. This design will likely become somewhat famous, as it is destined to be used on MTA buses to advertise an eventual Broadway show.

15. SnapCracklyPop
KRIM IS REAL

SnapCracklyPop only tards over Kris Allen…and our good friend, Jim Cantiello.

16. Nerdgirl
ETERNAL GLAMNATION

Nerdgirl just can’t stop with the PowerPoint, but who am I to tell her to quit? She’s on a roll!

17. Saskin
EVOLUTION OF IDOLMAN

Saskin brilliantly depicts the evolution of American Idol. Who else wants to see what she could do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest?

18. Deez
THE GLAMSCREAM

Deez reworks Edward Munch’s The Scream into something more GLAMORIZING.

19. 8SourCandy
GLAMBERT’S TRAVELS

The foremost book-cover artist of TopIdol updates the Jonathan Swift classic for a contemporary audience! This time, Lilliput is inhabited by tiny MONSTERS led by a king named…Oskar!

20. Gelid
BLINGEEING UP GLAMBABY

Every budding/would-be international superstah needs a healthy diet of cash, bright lights, bling and booze.

21. Kate123
FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA ON THE WALL FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA TAKE ONE DOWN…

I have no idea why, but Kate123′s Fifty Pills poster reminds me of that shit movie, 27 Dresses. Or Seven Pounds. Or the one about the grams you lose when you die.

21. CC
I ATE HIS GLAMLIVER WITH SOME PLAIDFAVA BEANS

Movie night continues with CC’s favorite double feature.

22. 8SourCandy
MY TARD SIGN WILL BEAT UP YOUR TARD SIGN

Admitted Adam Lambert-tard 8SourCandy makes a poignant and honest statement about the prevailing tard mentality. It’s not puppies and flowers! It’s a competition. And it’s a fight to the finish! With glamviolence!

23. Jukejoint
TARDING IN 5 AND
7 SYLLABLES FOR LIFE
I AM THE TARDRUS

Our Jukejoint finally enters the competition by flexing her haiku talent. She will sell these to any tard who needs one. They’re versatile — and she even accounts for those who cannot say everything they want to in this compact, Ancient Japanese artform.

TARD HAIKUS 4 U

The best singer is
The one who I like the best
The others are crap

I don’t care who won
Your Idol sucks anyway
Winners are losers

I love [Idol Name]
So much, so big, so deeply
That it will never, ever fit in five f^cking syllables so F^CK OFF, jellus h8ers, and leave [Idol Name] alone from your jellus homephobic h8erade!!!! And he’s not fat, either!!!!!!

24. Kate123
THE GAWDRAWKER (AKA AN GLAMOFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE)

Damn the hater who calls him Fredo. And suffer will those who betray The Glamily!

25. TwistOfLime
why must itself up every of a tard

Clearly Twist is ol’ ee reincarnated.

anyone lived in a small southern town
with up so many idol phones down
Randy Simon Paula Kara
he sang his chicken he danced his votes

Women and men (in other states)
cared for anyone with something like hate
they sowed their tard-dom they reaped their same
rock star glamour fame

some fans guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as anyone’s popularity grew
Paula Kara Randy Simon
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and feather by plume
he lent his nailpolish he shared his room
bird by glitter and stir by still
anyone’s  guitar was all to him

One day anyone won i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his head)
non-busy folk wrote page by page
vote by vote and search by search

plot by plot and cheat by cheat
a grand conspiracy earned the feat
noone and anyone earth by injustice
wish by fraud and if by go-phone.

26. Soda Grape
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HELIOTROPE

Heliotrope is a legendary Idol fantard. Heliotrope loved David Cook more than anything…until she laid her eyes upon Danny Gokey. And Heliotrope’s love for Gokey was impenetrable…until she discovered the perfect hybrid! His name is Lee DeWyze. Wonder who Heliotrope will tard over next season. Thankfully, she is not a card-carrying member of the Ellen James Society, so I suspect we will hear much from her for years and years to come.

27. Mithra
REVERIE IN HELIOTROPE

Wow. Heliotrope is VERY popular, isn’t she?

28. Mithra
WHAT SHE SEES

Mithra shows us what Kerry Kolsch sees every time she closes her eyes.

29. Pandora
TARD WORLD THE GARY JULES VERSION

Pandora had me at copy/pasting, copy/pasting.

To the tune of Mad World…

All around me are familiar blowhards
Worn out keyboards, scary fanboards
Bright and early for their daily postings
Copy/pasting, copy/pasting
Now their rage is spreading too
No dissension, no dissension
Run away I want to run away
No more MJs, no more MJs
And I find it rather skary
I find it rather sad
The dreams of Adam Lambert
Are the only ones they have
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World
Fantards waiting for their god to notice them
Happy Glamday, Happy Glamday
Bought the gloves and pleather too
Like Krazy Kerry and Tiger92
Went online and they threatened me
Homephobic, homephobic
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World

30. Teevho
GLAMBERT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Teevho brings her A-game AND pushes the boundaries of mixed media just like the guy bleeding from his eye in her picture.

31. CB
JEALOUS FUSILLI

CB loves two things in life. Pasta and Casey James.

32. Deez
OUR LADY LUNACY

Deez admits this was a quick ‘n’ dirty Photoshop job, but it doesn’t take away the beauty of Kerry Kolsch finally being properly honored for her noble crusade — truth, justice and a world without cheese dip.

33. SongKat7
FINDING ANDREW RIDGELEY

Take me glam-dancing tonight. Jitterbulge.

34. Old Bat
CASEY DI MILO IN THE GARDEN OF TARDOM

Biblical utopia included grits & slaw.

35. Nerdgirl
ALRIGHT WITH MOOOOOOO

Nerdgirl is becoming quite skilled at manipulating PowerPoint ClipArt. And why the hell not celebrate a great cause?

36. Soda Grape
TRUE LOVE WON’T WAIT

Why should true love wait when there’s cake?

37. Paulie
HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

Paulie went into full-on tard mode to write this little ditty about Kris Allen set to the Donna Summer classic.

Saw him there on the Idol stage
And I wondered who he is
Cos it’s strange to me
That I haven’t heard him sing a thing

Nine PM on the hour hand
And he’s singing MJ’s song
And he’s sounding real pretty
As he poured out his heart and soul

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Twenty-eight eps have come and gone
And I’ve seen a lot of tears
Of the ones voted out
Yet Kris is still standing there

It’s a sacrifice singing day to day
For lukewarm comments, judges seem to pay
But it’s worth it all
Just to hear him sing the night away

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Already knows
He’s seen his bad times
After winning Idol
These are the good times

Never sold out
He never did
Even with “No Boundaries”
He worked hard…

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Spread the word. Do it.

Yes, I am obsessive-compulsive, but I’m not psychotic or delusional (I don’t think).
Do you ever wonder if Kris or Adam ever secretly publish their own Kradam fic? Or do you ever wish that Kris and Adam would just tell us that Kradam is real? Well, guess what? They’ve done both! At least, I think they’ve done both.

I believe that Adam’s and Kris’s albums are actually parts of a rock opera. Yes, a rock opera. Now, before you roll your eyes at the overenthusiastic, crazy tinhatter, I hope you’ll give me a chance to explain.

When put in a certain order, the songs on their albums, plus a few others that they regularly sing, form a narrative about the development of their relationship. Each song is like a piece of a musical jigsaw puzzle, and there are often clues in the music and/or the lyrics about how the pieces fit together. And, no, I don’t suffer from hallucinations or delusions (I don’t think anyway!). It just takes some literary analysis, some logic, and some understanding of music theory to figure it out.

I know this all sounds rather implausible, so I’ve written a listening guide that explains step-by-step how I figured this out and how everything fits together. But even if you do believe me, it’s still sooo worth reading through this. Their story is absolutely epic and beautiful and heartbreaking. And yes, I really do believe this is their story. I’m just the interpreter.

Dude. You know what’s heartbreaking? That you wrote this dreckitude.

How could this be real?
If you’re still with me, you may be wondering how this could be possible, especially given that so many of these songs were written by other people. My guess is that a rock opera was not in their original plans when they started working on their albums; it was probably after they already had songs like “Fever,” “Soaked,” and “Live Like We’re Dying,” that they realized, “Hey! We could turn this into a story!” And then they started selecting and writing other songs to fill in the gaps and tie everything together. The final product is similar to a jukebox musical, such as Mamma Mia!, where songs by ABBA were put together to create a narrative.

But, you may say, some of the songs on your list are covers that they sung for AI, long before they would have started thinking about a rock opera. I realize this is the case, but songs often have multiple meanings. The reasons why they find a song meaningful now may not always be the same reasons why they chose it then.

But, you may then ask, How do you know that these songs go in this particular order if a song can have multiple meanings? Honestly, sometimes it was pretty hard to figure out where a song was supposed to go; I had to listen to the music very carefully in order to determine what came before and after it. It also helps that Adam recently did a track-by-track discussion of the songs on his album. Even so, I’m not absolutely certain that I have the correct order; this is my educated guess.

OK then, so how do you know that you have the right songs on the list? Adam and Kris have sung lots of songs that aren’t on their albums. Believe me, it took me days–and a lot of trial and error–to figure it out. My actual thought process was very circular, but there is definitely a method to my madness. If you’d like to see it, Click Here.

If you’re still feeling dubious about this whole rock opera thing (which I’m guessing you are) here are some other factors worth considering:

• Adam and Kris are geniuses
• They each have significant formal musical training; Adam in musical theater, and Kris in classical orchestral music.
• They may have had help. At the very least, I think that some of Adam’s friends helped a little.
• Some of their songs, though written by others, were written specifically for Adam and Kris. This means that they had some input into what they wanted the songs to sound like and communicate.
• Other original songs, though written without Kris or Adam in mind, were often changed in sometimes subtle, but important ways. A few of these songs have demos available online, so you can compare the demos to the final versions to see what changes were made.
• Even for well-known songs like “Mad World” or “Heartless,” an artist still has quite a bit of freedom in how s/he arranges a song, as we have seen both Kris and Adam do. I tried to work with more recent performances of covers to figure out where a song fits in the puzzle.
• Adam and Kris are geniuses.

Analysis Overview
I am going to discuss in detail how I decided where each song fits, but, first, here is an overview of the factors I considered.

Mood
Is a song upbeat and happy, sad and melancholy, angry, hopeful, etc.? It’s likely, for example, that a song like “Send Me Your Angels” will not be immediately followed by “Sure Fire Winners.”

Subject Matter
Basically, what is a song about? Since a song can have multiple meanings, is it possible to figure out what a song means to them? If two songs seem to be talking about the same thing, they’re more likely to be connected.

Lyrics
Are there two songs that share similar words or phrases? Sometimes, if you parse out the lyrics of these songs, you can see that they actually look like two parts of the same conversation.

Music Style
The songs on this list range from singer/songwriter style to dance pop to glam rock to musical theater. Songs with very different styles are less likely to be connected.

Musical Themes
A song will often echo a theme of its next-door-neighbor in its music. For example, one of the first instances of this that I spotted is how the introductory piano music in “Bring it Back” echoes the melody of the chorus in “Voodoo.”

Introductions and Conclusions
Some songs have rather lengthy introductions or conclusions before or after the vocals, while, in others, the singing starts or stops more abruptly. Songs with with more elaborate introductions tend to go at the beginning of scenes. Likewise, songs with more definitive conclusions tend to go at the end of scenes.

OK, so now that we’ve go that covered, let’s get on with the show!

This little rock opera ends with a rousing interpretation of Don’t Stop Believing, which may actually make this “analysis” even more of a fail than previously believed. I would love to analyze this analysis further, but I was out until 6am last night. And I have to go out again in a few. I just don’t have the time or mental capacity to do this at the moment. I’m sure with the recent successes of American Idiot and even Rock of Ages will ensure this is going to be Broadway’s next big hit, so please share your thoughts on the soon-to-be next great American musical.

Spread the word. Do it.

Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

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Lo and behold! It’s a BEARD! And no, you freakshow Kradam “tinhatters”, I was not talking about Katy Allen. Homeboy has a BEARD BEARD. Not like, say, a Taylor Lautner Beard (wait…I guess Taylor Lautner has been shaved of his beard) but like, a BEARD BEARD of the Kenny Rogers variety.

Not sure if I’m a fan of the facial hair, but he’s been busy lately, so he probably just didn’t want to shave for a few days. Men do that, you know. Plus, my opinion really has no effect on the situation (Sadly, nor does it on THE SITUATION…or SNOOKI!) so I really don’t even have a preference.

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Friday evening’s Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden extravaganza reunited Kris Allen, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta. Past Idol contestants who showed up were Jordin Sparks and Syesha Mercado (Coretta!). Yawn.

HBD and Sparks only got to sing 10 minutes because people would rather hear John Mayer and his asshat heir apparent, The Moppet of Beelzebub Justin Bieber. But Jordin Sparks sang No Air with The Moppet of Beelzebub, which is all sorts of bizarre and disturbing, as well as being a regular thing at these Jingle Balls. OMG. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?? Why is Jordin Sparks singing a love song with a 9-year-old, and more importantly, how the hell did this 9-year-old ever get a recording contract? (Oh yeah, and Taylor Swift closed the show. Taylor Swift is very big right now. Perhaps you have heard of her.)

YOU MUST SUFFER THROUGH THIS VIDEO BECAUSE I DID AND IT STILL HURTS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iprr6VzIb-g

If I see The Moppet of Beelzebub tousle his hair all “nonchalantly” one more time, I will hurt someone. This arrogant little bastard child makes me long for the days of Kris Kross and Lil Bow Wow and frankly, that’s just not okay.

Lambert and La Princesa del Mariachi were just there to introduce people, or host…emcee, per se. Couldn’t they have given them at least one song each? Or even a little Slow Ride? There were other people there, too, but the majority were inconsequential, including blatant Postal Service-ripoff Owl City.

People have been gushing over the show all night but frankly, I would have been fine with just hanging out backstage. Not only could you get H&M gift certificates and Droids and who knows what other insane swag, but you could also play with oh-so-many toys and chew gum and pose with giant boxes of Nerds. It would only have been more awesome if all my favorite guidos and guidettes from Jersey Shore had been in attendance.

Clearly HBD wants to be a guido. He wants to go to the gym with The Situation!

And doing his best guido face–or Walking VD Greasy Constantine Maroulis impression? Hee hee hee.

I haven’t seen any photos of Kradam or the Three Musketeers yet (er, Kradison?), so I assume there will be conspiracy theories everywhere by 2am EST. All the photos were pretty damn good. I especially loved HBD making the Barbie dolls fight. And then make up.

And the Nerds photo. And La Princesa with the Poppit-ish toy. And La Princesa with the Nerds. And HBD doing more Jersey Shore faces. They’re both so animated. Lambert needs to take more “funny” photos. I want him to embrace his inner guido.

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what happens next in the Kradam Prison AU

Adam was originally in minimum security prison for a relatively minor drug offense (he knew he shouldn’t have agreed to take the package, but it was that or do some awful “Debbie Does Dallas” dinner theater strip revue), but he got into a shoving match with another inmate who was trying to rape a third prisoner, and the guy slipped and whacked his head on a table and ended up in a coma, which got Adam upgraded.

At this point he’s just trying to keep himself together and fly under the radar until he can get parole, which is why he’s not thrilled at Ryan handing him someone to look after, but he knows very well staying on the guards’ good side is important. Plus Kris is really adorable and also clearly messed up, and Adam feels so sorry for him, and also Adam has been badly deprived, so being handed this on a silver platter in a way he can convince himself isn’t coercion is incredibly tempting.

I think he likes it and likes Kris a lot more than he expects to, and Kris likes him back, and there’s a piano in the rec room and the two of them end up singing together while Kris plays, and having fairly ridiculous amounts of sex, and writing music, and somehow together they survive the next couple of years, and then Adam gets parole and Kris’s lawyers get him out on appeal, and the two of them cut an album in Little Rock and end up getting signed together.

Dude. DUDE. I don’t even know where to begin.

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(via one of Lambert’s friends’ Twitter account and subsequent blog post…uh, ok)

Some people believe this is key to Lambert hooking up with Kris Allen (Kradamites, of course), while others are already trying to set him up with high-profile gay men.

I’m just saying he really gave me the weird vibes. The other day Adam was with a songwriter guy and they looked adorable together- very happy and comfortable together. I sensed Adam was kind of edgey around Drake… Oh well I am obsessed with Adam and I truly want him to be happy… just saying… his new relationship is his career and he needs to let it grow.

Quick! Sparkle cow, you have 30 seconds to name me 5 openly gay famous dudes.

May I suggest for consideration: Neil Patrick Harris. He was standing by himself on the red carpet near where Adam was at the This Is It premiere. Neil just broke up with his boyfriend of five years. So he is available. He is bright, rich and cute. Just right for Adam. Just saying…..

They never really had a relationship and it was months not years. ALOT has changed for Adam. He has love from women all over the world. He has felt a womens sexy curves in that shoot. Adam isd BI…always has been and said so awhile back.His new song is for a lady:)

Keep living in your delusions. I doubt this means Lambert will be exploring his bisexuality. (Kinsey Scale notwithstanding.) And if he did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for you. Oh, and one more thing, what song are you listening to because I don’t think its about a woman.

Someone called Lambert fat. Such blasphemy throw the Sparkle Cows into tizzies, however, this rationale is a new one for them, perhaps. I do think they’re making rather unwarranted assumptions about ALL gay men, don’t you?

This is what many gay men do…they pick on other gay men who don’t measure up to looking like the perfect body builder. They are as hard on each other as straight men can be toward women, expecting them to all look like playboy bunnies! Too bad Adam couldn’t turn straight for one night only with a woman (Katy Perry?) and feel what it is like to be accepted for any little flaws he is embarrassed about (bad skin, double chin, a little pudge here and there, etc.) Women are so much more accepting of physical imperfections of the person loving them and paying attention to them! Ooh, then Adam could see how much pleasure he could give to someone when things properly “fit” together! I wonder if he has ever experienced that just once? hmmm.

This woman’s “knowledge” of gay culture is based entirely on Will & Grace reruns airing on Lifetime, that summer she watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Adam Lambert. Same thing goes for this one.

Ruh roh. Someone named Missy pisses the Glamberts off.

did adam split with drake just to sell more records, what adam wont do to sell records, ???? i guess now he’ll say hes dating Katy Perry just to sell more records

Here they come!

you seem like a really rotten person to be posting on an Adam thread just to put him down. You must be a fan of one of the other idols and are just jealous that Adam is getting all the attention, even more than the winner. Everyone who has ever worked with Adam have nothing but nice things to say about him, he has countless friends and fans who love him, as well as a loving and supportive family. He always comes across as down to earth in interviews and he has helped raise a lot of money for charity even before he has received any proceeds from his album. This was a guy living in a bug infested studio apartment in Hollywood, has worked extremely hard, and deserves all the success he is receiving now. Why on earth must you attack his character, which has only been shown to be impeccable? And he even supports the other idols even though they may not do the same for him. That’s true character – he is extremely loving, caring, and supportive of others without expecting anything in return

Who are these lunatics? Ugh. Anyway, I have no idea what Adam Lambert’s relationship status is at the moment, and frankly, I really don’t care. And seriously, people, don’t you know ANYTHING? It’s not true unless the person Twitters it. So I guess…if their friends Twitters it…?

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PRICELESS. Don’t you just love the expression on his face when they figure out why the fire alarm went off??

Jim + HBD / Thinly-veiled digs at batshit crazy Glamberts [Lamb Skanks] = LOVE LOVE LOVE

Buy Kris Allen’s new single Live Like We’re Dying. Support the first male Idol finalist who actually admits Idol fantards are whack jobs. Support the Jesus-loving kid from Arkansas who thinks being gay is perfectly ok and most likely voted for Obama. And he’s chock full of self-depreciating quips and witty retorts. He also plays the viola and had some rare health problems as a teenager which he NEVER MENTIONED ON THE SHOW.

And guess what?? Buying Kris Allen’s music doesn’t mean you’re anti-Lambert! And buying Adam Lambert’s songs don’t mean you hate Kris Allen. Unless you live in a country which prohibits you from buying the music of another Idol contestant, you can actually support BOTH guys if you like them. In fact, it’s probably a healthier way to indulge your Kradam obsession than reading or writing scary-ass fan fic that makes villains out of their respective partners and erroneously refers to playa dust as SAND.  In fact, Kris Allen and Adam Lambert are TOTALLY buddies and probably wouldn’t like you if you met them and subsequently talked smack about the other one. I have no idea why this fact is never considered, but hey, I don’t understand the mentality behind most of this extreme fan shit.

I hope Kris Allen (AND Adam Lambert) make a bunch of original music by their own volition and build careers beyond American Idol. And I hope HBD keeps calling out batshit crazy nonsense! I love watching Glamberts froth at the mouth…

…as they furiously type cult-like missives to any and all blogs or news outlets that do not proclaim Adam Lambert to be the second coming while sitting on their sofas wearing customized SNUGGIES!!!

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Kradison fans…yes, Kradison = Kradam + La Princesa.

One Kradison/Adison/Kradam fan makes a bunch of these slide show slash thingeys and posts them on YouTube. I think she’s done several series, but here’s part 9 from her latest epic, Once Upon a Broken Heart.

I haven’t watched many of the others, but this one has a lot of Drake LaBry, Lambert’s current boyfriend. As a side note: From what I understand, a lot of Glamberts don’t like Drake and want him to get back to this Cheeks fellow. (Seriously, I have no idea about what goes on in these people’s minds…I just write about it.)

Anyway, I have no idea what’s gonna happen in Once Upon a Broken Heart, which may end up as some sick ticket threesome (involving a teenager, no less), although a lot of this stuff is kind of (?) mild. Although it totally has crazy drama straight out of Degrassi. For instance:

• Allison Iraheta’s parents die in some tragic accident. I guess this happened after the author’s previous slide show epic, Love Story.
• Katy Allen is a cutter.
• This Drake LaBry person is a jackass.

I sort of want to become BFF with Drake LaBry. Poor guy is soooo misunderstood. Angry Glamberts…being a central figure in slide show slash…I mean, wow. Who expects that sort of thing to happen to them just for dating somebody?

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