CDBNYC went to Newark for the Idols show. Along for the ride were Kodachrome621 and GloriaGloria. If you haven’t gone to a concert with them before, you really should put this on your bucket list. (I’m one of the lucky ones.)

If you’re wondering why the hell they went to Newark to see the likes of your cousin Phil DeWheezy and Drunk Benami sing songs sung better by other people, its because they took advantage of that LiveNation deal offering up seats for $10 and could see the amusement in getting drunk in Newark for an Idols show.

Why was I at the American Idol Season 9 tour, you ask? Sigh. I guess the time has come to admit it. I’m madly in love with Andrew Garcia. Totally butt-crazy in love with him, you might even say. Yes, I know he’s married and has an adorable little child, but I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re meant to be together. Andrew, I really want to love you forever. You’re not just caught in a hit and run.

…or the tickets were cheap, and I thought it would be amusing to go.

We came to Newark fully armed for the AI tour experience. Our arsenal included three Phil Dweezy pins (we may be ambivalent about Lee DeWyze, but we loooooooove Phil Dweezy), one “I <3 Tim” pin, one “BOW-ER-SOX” pin, one “I’m just here for the music” pin (everyone should buy a $10 pinmaker – seriously awesome investment), and copious amounts of alcohol.  We did not acquire any more pins while at the Prudential Center. We did, however, acquire quite a lot more beer.

We began our evening in the third-to-last row of the arena. It was a looooooong way away. I’m pretty sure Didi performed while we were up there. I couldn’t tell you for sure, though. They might have just been playing the background music from an episode of Gilmore Girls while some blond crew member wandered around.  Andrew Garcia definitely performed. He sang all of “Straight Up” standing way at the back of the stage. Maybe he was afraid to get too close to the audience? I don’t blame him – people are pretty angry about what he did to “Genie In A Bottle.”

They let us move about 10 rows forward at that point. Things were much improved. And they began to look up musically, as well!  Katie Stevens doesn’t have much personality, but at least she has energy and a decent belt. Girl was working HARD to get that audience engaged, and I appreciate that. She will be a valued member of her college drama department and/or a cappella group.

Tim Urban. Oh, Tim Urban. I love you. I was wearing a pin that proclaimed my love for you. But darling? Out of a group of people who can’t really sing, you can’t really sing the most. Your Goo Goo Dolls song was painful. (You should have sung Iris. I hate Iris with a violent passion, but that would at least have been funny. To me.) Viva La Vida was significantly better. But why no slide, Tim? Why no goofiness? And most importantly, WHY THE FLAT IRONING? It turned your luscious 70s teen idol locks into boring emo hipster hair. It robbed you of your powers. It made me sad. Don’t do that again, okay? And give up on the music thing and get a job on a CW show. You’d be perfect for 7th Heaven v.2.

Siobhan needs a band. She’s out there in her goth milkmaid costume, with her eerie intro music and her piercing wails, and there’s no one for her to interact with. She needs more bodies on stage. And they need to not make her sing Spiderwebs. It’s a fun song, but it ain’t a Siobhan song.

High School Student Aaron Kelly? Was awesome. Who knew? He’s totally viable as a country artist. (I say, as someone who doesn’t really listen to country music.) His vocals were strong, his song choices were good (though the Lonestar version of Walking In Memphis lacks the punch of the original), his energy was high, he filled a large arena. Good for you, High School Student Aaron Kelly! Go be Country Bieber, with less annoying hair! Godspeed!

Performers 10-5 sang The Climb. It should have been Party In The USA.

At intermission, the drinking continued. As did the ticket upgrades. A truly awesome friend gave us some extra tickets for the first tier, just above the floor. So much closer! People were actually getting into the show down on this level! Standing up? Eh, not so much. But definitely reacting more audibly. So that was fun.

Mike Lynch’s set was like molasses. Sooooooooooo sloooooooooow. He went down on one knee at some point. Mike, the Prudential Center doesn’t want to marry you. Really. Please don’t propose to us, it’ll just be embarassing for all involved. Oh, and never rap again, okay? Glad we sorted that out.  Casey’s set (with the exception of that damn Don Juan De Marco song, which we’ll lump in with Mike’s set as the same critiques apply) was fun. That boy can certainly play guitar. Vocals were pretty good, too, although he’s still majorly lacking in stage presence. Again, song choice. Important. And well done. Good luck with southern rock, Casey – it suits you.

Crystal Bowersox should have been at Lilith Fair. But I’m glad she was here. Because there’s no way I’m going to Lilith Fair (just can’t deal with that many female singers at once - I’m trying to conquer my musical misogyny, really I am), and I was very very happy to see Crystal live. She’s great. She just tears into her songs with energy and passion and skill, and brings the audience along with her. I haven’t wailed “What’s Up” that loudly since 8th grade.

And then there was Lee. The audience loved Lee. There were more puffy paint shirts for him than for anyone else. There were women of all ages carrying his photo around. He’s clearly the heartthrob of the season. (But…Tim!)  To be fair, Lee stayed pretty much on key throughout, which is far more than he managed on 90% of his AI performances. But his arrangements are odd (he made Beautiful Day sound like Free Fallin’, and turned Hallelujah into a headbanger), his vocals make almost everything sound like Creed (you know what the world needs? More Creed!), and he sang Use Somebody. So, no. I’m sorry, Lee. But you are not for me.

Then they all sang It’s My Life/My Life Would Suck Without You. A beautiful medley built around the theme “Songs Performed On Glee.” Honestly, after watching them perform this on Good Morning America, I devoted a full hour of my life to memorizing the lyrics to My Life Would Suck Without You, so I could sing along loudly enough to drown out the actual singers. This proved not to be strictly necessary – they sounded totally okay. But I learned those Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and I used them, damn it.

We stopped briefly at the barricades on our way out. There were a lot of people there. I’m not sure why, but I choose to believe that the draw was Jim Cantiello, who was interviewing fans. I mean, those people weren’t really there for Didi Benami, were they?

All in all, it was a good time. Due, for the most part, to the company and the alcohol, rather than the singers, but hey, whatever. And I seem to have developed a taste for the ridiculous (provided it comes at a low price). I’m totally seeing if I can score cheap tickets to the NYC stop of the Ruben/Clay tour.

I’ve heard they do a medley where Ruben sings Tik Tok and Clay sings Baby Got Back. How can I miss that?

Spread the word. Do it.

(Bet those manning the cameras had to squeeze in closer than usual.)

For some reason, TBTB thought it would be really funny to have them sing a song with the word suck in the title. And hey, since mashups are tres cool these days, why NOT make one of Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life and Kelly Clarkson’s My Life Would Suck Without You.

The anchors can’t remember Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami, but hey, I forgot the latter existed, too. The only person who looks happy to be there is Michael Lynche, then again, he would be happy if you let him sing at a supermarket opening. Even Teflon Timmy Urban has lost his smile. Innocent puppy dog Aaron Kelly won’t even sing into the mic.

Did all of these people drive over someone’s pet puppy (granted, Lee DeWyze may have done this at some point in his life, but if I’ve learned anything on Law & Order: SVU, its that juvenile records are sealed)? I almost feel sorry for them. Ok, well maybe not. I mean, at least not for Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. I do feel the most pain for Crystal Bowersox and Casey James, though, you know they wish they never left the dive bars where they had weekly residencies. Its just not worth it when you’re subjected to such nationally-televised humiliation.

Spread the word. Do it.

What the hell did Kelly Clarkson ever do to deserve this shit?

(Thank you, Vote for the Worst)

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, I’m just a wee bit sad. No, not because I simply adore American Idol. And not because I simply adored this season. I’m just a wee bit sad because I simply adore tearing this show a new asshole on a weekly basis. I simply adore that a few of you actually take the time to read this shit blog. Where will you go? Will I ever see you again if we don’t have American Idol to talk about? I WANT US TO STILL BE FRIENDS!!!

Crystal won the all-important coin toss for tonight’s performance order and smartly chose to go second. So Lee DeWyze will be going first. I would have used the clever nickname I thought of for him last week, but I’ve already forgotten it. Sads. This year is a bit different in that the contestants were actually able to choose their possible coronation song. Because no one wants another No Boundaries. Bowersox has chosen something about a mountain and DeWheezey has selected something called Beautiful Day, which I want to believe is not the U2 hit made even more memorable in my favorite Super Bowl halftime show of all time. After all, both songs need to have the patented brand of syrupy schmaltz that is the Idol coronation song.

Wait…is it…? You mean they’re doing covers. COVERS? Wow. Kara DioGuardi. You killed the Idol coronation song. It might have been the only good thing you’ve done with your life. So Crystal Bowersox is doing Patty Griffin’s Up on the Mountain and Lee DeWyze is doing…U2′s Beautiful Day?

Lee DeWyze
Contestant’s Choice — The Boxer

As a child, Lee DeWyze wanted to be a baseball player. Then he picked up a guitar and fell in love with it, because after every kid finds out its nearly impossible to be a professional ball player, they then resort to their fallback plan. And that’s becoming a rock star. I also recall hearing this same exact story back in 2008 when David Cook was on the show. All the other little boys with similar dreams grew up to do other things. One of them is likely sitting next to you at a bar right now, or maybe he left your toilet seat up. He probably also sold you a can of paint.

How long can Lee stay in tune? How long will his line of spittle stretch like an orthodontic rubber band during the li-li-li-la-la-li-li-lis? He seemed to stay on tune a bit more than usual, but his first time around with this song was a lot better. He seemed more hungry during that performance and frankly, this one fell a bit flat. He phoned it in, perhaps because of nerves of perhaps because he thinks America will swoon and pick up their phones whenever they hear him do the Simon & Garfunkel classic. Sorry, Ellen, I disagree.

Awwww, look who got fresh Botox for Finale Week? And why is she not wearing her full skin suit? We can see part of her alien lizard scales. This would only be good if I could see her deep throat a hamster, a la Diana in the original V.

So he was connected to the song? Huh? Yeah. Simon sums it up better than Limited Vocab and Shit-For-Brains. He did need more passion and excitement.

Crystal Bowersox
Contestant’s Choice — Me & Bobby McGee

Yay! Crystal Bowersox’s biker dad! Yay! Crystal Bowersox has known who she is as an artist since her early teens! Yay! Crystal Bowersox brought her favorite bong back for the big night.

I don’t really have to listen closely to this performance to come to the conclusion Round 1 will go to Ms. Bowersox. She’s singing Janis Joplin’s Me & Bobby McGee. She can’t screw it up. She could sing this in her sleep and it would still be better than most of what we’ve seen this season. When Lee inevitably wins, Crystal will be just fine. I’m also issuing a $100 bet right now that within the next few weeks, rumors of her being cast as Janis Joplin in the Janis Joplin biopic that has never come to fruition (the last I heard was Pink) will start popping up.

I bet Randy says she’s in that damned wheelhouse again. Come on…come on…say it, Randy! Say it! Damn him! Although it does seem you can’t start things out slow on Finale night. At least in Randy’s eyes. Ellen sums it up quite perfectly. Go Ellen. Can’t you say things like that more often? Every time Kara DioGuardi says the word artist, I want to cut myself. Simon basically says she’s sucked for the past month, but now they have a competition on their hands. Yawn.

Lee DeWyze
Executive Producer’s Choice — Everybody Hurts

Executive Producer’s Choice just has really lame ring to it. OH JESUS FUCK. What was that first note? What is this…? WILL SOMEONE SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I can hear them dying but all I can see is this guy with a guitar on my TV. Wait there is a choir of like 1000 people behind him. Surely they don’t need that many people to do whatever it is that they’re doing, why aren’t they saving the kitty cats? The kitty cats are obviously trapped or hurt or scared and WOULD SOMEONE JUST SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I am not watching Animal Planet. I’m watching American Idol. I have no desire to listen to the audio from a kitty cat snuff film.

The choir just raised their hands. OMG THEY WERE SACRIFICING THE KITTY CATS TO THEIR GODS. HELP THE KITTY CATS. EVERYKITTY HURTS…Limited vocab Randy just said it started off pitchy (JUST PITCHY?) but then he got it back on track and became the Lee that he knows and loves. Sure, the final quarter was in key, but likely because he could shout the bridge. Oh Ellen, no.

I felt that you went off a couple of times, but I don’t really care about that, it’s really about the performance.

Ok, well she recovered…kind of. OH KILL ME NOW.

Lee, what makes you great as a performer is that you’re emotionally accessible. And that I can feel every word you’re saying and you’re telling a story. It wasn’t a perfect vocal, but I loved that about you.

Emotionally accessible? Granted, rocks show more emotion than Kara DioGuardi’s damned forehead so maybe that’s why her perception is off. Simon thinks it was a brilliant song choice for him.

I understand, you’re nervous.

The judges who are getting paid millions of dollars to judge a singing competition have just informed us singing means nothing. They’re not even pretending anymore.

Crystal Bowersox
Executive Producer’s Choice — Black Velvet

Come on. Crystal Bowersox deserves more than this trite piece of shit from one-hit wonder Alannah Myles. How many times has this song been performed on American Idol? (I know someone has the stats, so please give them up.) This song has aged about as well as the movie Cocktail.

Bowersox puts a bit of a bluesy torch song spin on it, but she must know its absolute shit? She just doesn’t look comfortable up there sewn into that ruched-to-all-hell-wannabe-diva black dress. And while she deftly handles such a shitty song choice, she almost overdoes it vocally when going in for the Siobhan Magnus (remember her?) glory notes. The judges will love it.

And the judges do. Lee DeWyze might be fucked. After all, it is a girl’s year, remember?

I’m almost allergic to that song. I’ve heard it so many times in auditions where people have absolutely murdered it.

Oh yes, Simon. Oh yes. So does this mean Crystal Bowersox can ably handle any shitty song you give to her? That’s a pretty tall order. Have you heard some of the releases from American Idol finalists? Anyhoo, Crystal makes a couple of jokes to endear herself to the audience once more. Whomever said she’s not media friendly sucks. She throws out the words little boy, diabetes and the lord at the right time, and also makes jokes at an opportune time.

I am so bored, so very, very bored. I’m so profoundly bored. Dear Lee DeWyze, this is your life now. Did your little boy fantasies of being a rock star include all those signs made with Sharpies and poster board?

Lee DeWyze
Coronation Song — Beautiful Day

It is the U2 song. Oh, Simon Cowell. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you got Bono to clear a song for a contestant? He lost. Anyway, someone was obviously taking advantage of Bono’s current infirm state when they got them to clear Beautiful Day for Lee DeWyze? The crusading rock star must be on some heavy painkillers right now, huh?

In all actuality, its Lee’s strongest performance of the evening, but the song doesn’t veer far enough from the original to make it distinct enough, which is almost necessary when you’re doing an incredibly popular song that is relatively recent in the grand scheme of things. Beautiful Day is one of those songs that always been uplifting in a sense, yet not entirely cloying, even though it is a most typical I-am-Bono-I-wear-sunglasses-&-want-to-save-the-world anthem. It’s corny, yes, but it just works. Perhaps again it is because, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, I will always associate it with the 2002 Super Bowl. (Yes, I know. The album was released in 2000.) It was the first song in U2′s emotionally-charged set that featured no frothy stage antics, just every name of those who died on 9/11 projected behind them during Where the Streets Have No Names. Save for Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising, which still gives me chills every time I hear it, Beautiful Day is a song so indelibly associated with a time where the United States was still reeling from the confusion and tragedy of the 9/11, that its hopeful message seems almost cheapened in any other context — especially on a show called American Idol.

Sure, U2′s Walk On is probably more associated with 9/11 than Beautiful Day, but that’s otherwise one of U2′s weaker songs.

(In case you don’t remember, or you missed it the first time around, here’s the greatest Super Bowl halftime show in the history of Super Bowl halftime shows.)

Regardless of what it makes you think of, Beautiful Day may be just too iconic an anthem for any American Idol contestant to take on. Even with an orchestra backing them. Hell, I still think Adam Lambert’s version of One from last season’s finale was one of his weakest performances. Again, perhaps it may just be U2 is one of the few huge acts still performing and releasing new material that any of their work may just be too recognizable for a karaoke contest. It’s U2. I mean, when you want to hear With or Without You, who do you want to hear singing it? U2, or some schmuck you sells you paint? All of this being said, I would love to see a U2 night on American Idol. Perhaps I’m a sadist. And a night of Bruce Springsteen songs? Oh yes. I am a sadist, granted, I would love to see what Crystal Bowersox might be able to do with Atlantic City.

You know something? It says a lot about how dull this show is when I just spent about the last 20 minute waxing faux-philosophical about U2, Bruce Springsteen and 9/11.

The judges give mixed reviews. Kara says he has the most commercial voice of anyone in this year’s competition. When Kara says commercial, its much like when she says artist (but what about those who do not believe you can be a true artist if you’re commercial? Yikes. I am so bored.) and I feel the need to cut myself. Simon reminds us that its his last Idol to judge and that Lee worked in a paint store. Did you know that Lee DeWyze used to sell paint?

Crystal Bowersox
Coronation Song — Up on a Mountain

Doing what she does best — but where is the bong stand? I am also in love with Crystal’s necklace. (Is she still wearing Lilly Scott’s feather? AWESOME!) I don’t know if there is any need to critique Ms. Bowersox’s performance, even with those backup singers hovering all around. Song choice? Perfect. Originally recorded by a respected artist (Patty Griffin) yet not a mainstream pop song known by the entire fraking world. It showcased every one of her strengths. Crystal Bowersox is the real fucking deal. And perhaps that’s why I’m still so damn bored. Because Crystal Bowersox IS great. She’s just always been better than this shit show.

JESUS FRAKING CHRIST IDIOT AUDIENCE PERSON. This is not a Danny Gokey show. This is Crystal Bowersox. Put your hands down, ya asshat!

Sure, Ellen can’t compare her to any contemporary artist, but why the hell is she giving some of the best critiques this evening? She’s almost having a moment. Which pisses Kara DioGuardi off because she is still so desperately — emphatically — trying to have one. Uh oh. Tears. Then…kissing ass to Simon? Crystal Bowersox is press savvy, ain’t she? Has Idol already stolen her soul?

And since this is the final critique I am ever going to give…That was outstanding.

So in the end, the judges threw Lee under that bus that still has Casey James bloody blond hairs caught in the tire treads. After all, it was a girl’s year.

Wait…we’re not done? Will Young? The original-original Idol singing live? To a Season 9 montage? Oh ANGELA MARTIN! COME BACK! Yeah. I bet Kara DioGuardi has done nothing to help you with recording that single now, has she?

Oh great Flying Spaghetti Monster, shoot me now.

So who’s gonna win? No one. We will find out everyone was really dead the entire time and this was some sort of limbo where they had to work out issues they had while they were alive. And Kara DioGuardi is that smoke monster or whatever the hell it was. I didn’t really watch that show.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, Adam Lambert will be performing, as will Season 7′s fifth-place finisher Brooke White and Justin Gaston. Gaston is of zero importance, yet he owns a guitar, once dated Miley Cyrus, and lives in the Simon-Fuller-owned If I Can Dream House alongside the [vastly more talented] Alex Lambert.

ELVIS MEDLEY HELL

Crystal Bowersox opens Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love. With a smile. I hope she realizes she sold her soul to the devil. Yet these kids can barely lip sync enthusiastically! Burnin’ Love moves into Teddy Bear and the constants pair off. Danny Gokey Babies.

Obviously, Big Mike will sing the title in the chorus — Teddy Bear — while Aaron Kelly croons to Smug Teen Witch, I don’t want to be a tiger / because tigers are too rough. I really think all of them should quit. Now. Before they lose every last single shred of dignity. No good can ever come from such fuckery.

Not very ironically, Andrew Garcia gets the first solo in Return to Sender. Once the crew goes into Viva Las Vegas and Big Mike is doing choreographed dips of Crystal Bowersox, I really do want to rescue all of these little stray kitties from the pound. Except Smug Teen Witch, of course.

Seacrest promises a dramatic evening. Will he be doing another comedy routine this evening? After the “green” Ford Fusion commercial. It’s about planting trees. I really think they should leave LEAVES and Ford Fusions to Kris Allen after watching such shite.

Hello sad nervous people. Andrew Garcia, pretty please will you puke on Smug Teen Witch’s very smug head? Wait. Who are they missing? (Oh crap. TIMMY! How could I forget you? Oh frak it. I always forget at least one of your names each week.)

Seacrest makes Andrew, Casey and Aaron come down to the center of the stage. Seacrest twists the knife in Andrew’s side just a bit deeper by talking about building friendships week after week before telling him its his time to go. But come on. Yawn. We knew it was coming. Cut to ubiquitous shot of Andrew’s sobbing wife/family. And Smug Teen Witch squeaking out her crocodile tears for the cameras. Come on, Andrew? Why aren’t you singing Straight Up?

BTW, both Casey and Aaron are SAFE. Really? Because sometimes they like to pull out the rug from under a person later on in the show after they think they’ve escape certain death, but hmmm…that does not seem likely tonight.

$10 says Andrew Garcia performs Straight Up is one of the two songs he performs on the Tour. Without the save being on the line, all pressure is off and everyone just seems so much more…relieved. Even Andrew, who seems genuinely thankful for his experience. He’s okay with leaving. He’s on the tour. He can hang out with Lee and their Danny Gokey Babies all summer long!

THIS IS NOT GIVING BACK

Poor Elliott Yamin. In 2010, the poor guy has been through an earthquake in Chile AFTER he had to take Kara DioGuardi with him to Angola. Elliott Yamin is awesome.

You’re a saint, sister.

Can someone please muzzle her? Poor Elliott. He’s such a nice guy. Couldn’t they have allowed him to do most of the talking? Why was he forced to bring her along for the ride? Doesn’t she know going to Africa to build a school and fight Malaria with someone likable is not going to automatically make HER likable? Only Kara DioGuardi could make you think about slapping her when the only thing that matters is saving people from Malaria. This makes her a liability to charity. The only reason she even went down there was because she totally thought she could stick a baby in her carry-on bag on the way back. She thinks they hand out little African babies in Angolan villages like credit card applications on college campuses.

Ever-so earnest Brooke White takes the stage to duet with Justin Gaston, who looks like a greasy school bus driver who shoots squirrels with a pellet gun while drinking Keystone. I was really hoping Brooke would need to start over again, but she doesn’t. But Justin Gaston. Holy hell. You are a talentless excuse for bushy eyebrows. OMG. Who told you that you could dream? Billy Ray Cyrus, right? Is he a goddamned expert? Because you. On stage. Fraking painful. I am actively attempting to cough my brains out right now in a concerted effort to drown your dying muskrat voice out.

Since Aaron is safe, this could be a very, very, very good thing. As soon as Tim Urban is declared safe, I will rejoice. Because that will almost certainly mean Smug Teen Witch will be going back to Connecticut.

Lee says he’s now starting to feel like he’s doing a concert when he’s up on the Idol stage, and not just an audition. Dude. You seriously just said that, right? What I can’t get over is the fact they’re leading us to believe they will eliminate a contestant before Lambert performs. If so. That’s stupid. Crystal is safe. Siobhan is safe. Lee is safe. Big Mike, Smug Teen Witch and Timmy are now in fear of their lives. Obviously, we will find out after Lambert performs. Whew. I thought Idol was making him the grand finale and hell, that’s just stupid. Because people only watch the end to see who goes home. Regardless of which international superstar is performing.

Next week, Alicia Keys will be mentoring. Please say they are not doing Alicia Keys songs. She’s such a beautiful girl and has a lovely voice, she just does some really, really, really shitty songs.

Lambert begins Whataya Want From Me acapella in a green haze of lasers and smoke, the effect is not unlike a marbling exercise done in elementary school art class. Once the band comes in, Lambert is awash in green laser fuckery and all I can think about is how well the audience can see, because on TV, Lambert is dimmed amongst the lasers and smoke. Only in certain parts is the spotlight actually on him. Its a perfectly capable version of the song, and the beginning highlighted his vocals, which frankly, he should do more often. Hey, I’m glad the guy got to perform to look down and see a young audience for at least one evening, too. Thank you, USC, for busing in your student and Greek organizations for the shows every week.

Towards the end, Lambert goes into the shrill territory I wish he would avoid. Moderation is key! Less is more! Just sing. Most attempts at extreme vocal gymnastics NEVER turn out well.

Yeah! I brought lasers!

(Glamberts who claim their lord & savior is a genius who changed lighting and set direction on American Idol, please note, the lasers — presumably his idea — hid him more than highlighted him. Again. Less is more. Lasers are AWESOME, but moderation is key.)

When staring at Timmy and Smug Teen Witch flanking Big Mike, I almost wish one was attached to each thigh. And Timmy is sent to safety! And one of them is not in the Bottom 3!

YESSSSSSSSS!

My cough is healed. My sore throat is gone. All which has ailed me has suddenly disappeared, as Smug Teen Witch has now left the building.

Oh please. Don’t play like you’re actually sad. (Siobhan is just working on her acting skills so she will be the new model Tim Burton trades Helena Bonham Carter in for in about five years.)

Look at it this way, little Katie. You’re obviously pissed. You’re no good at hiding it. So you know, take you’re own advice. Let it be. Now you can go to prom! Too bad none of those five guys who asked you busted out the vote, though. Oh well. You shouldn’t have been so smug!

The Andrew-Smug Teen Witch package makes me realize how much I already miss Andrew’s beautiful mother. And how the hell did Katie Stevens train herself to cry whenever someone says the word grandma?

And that, my friends, was the most satisfying episode of this piss-poor season. Except for the whole part with the earnest Mormon nanny and that talentless oily hitchhiker she picked up on her way to the studio. Yikes. That was just cruel.

Spread the word. Do it.

Photo courtesy of Cirque du Soleil (Twitter -- @cirque)

It’s the American Idol you’ve all been waiting for! Elvis! Adam Lambert!

It only makes sense that on tonight, of all evenings, I would be stricken with some sort of deathly cough/cold. Its a shame I don’t have any prescription-strength medicine to numb all the pain.

Ryan Seacrest says it was only natural to ask Adam Lambert back to mentor, since Elvis was one of the greatest performers to grace any stage and well, Adam Lambert was one of their favorite performers on the Idol stage. Lambert only gets some credit for admitting he’s only in the beginning of his career, but then I think back to the interview with Lambert in Spinner I read before tonight’s show and remember how he may really be a narcissistic ass clown.

Stop saying Elvis is a showman. Should I take a shot of Robotussin every time he says showman.

My tongue isn’t nearly as talented as yours.

And Seacrest just goes there yet again this season. Its like when they screw with Ron Burgundy’s teleprompter, isn’t it? Then again, its nothing compared to Kara DioGuardi attempting to prove she’s something before the big 4-0 by posing nude. (Although going nude in women’s magazines really doesn’t count, but why miss a chance to bash that Kara?)

I actually love the song Tim’s doing, I Can’t Help Falling In Love.

Dude. It’s called Can’t Help Falling in Love. Ok. It’s one word/letter, but…If Elvis is one of your favorite artists, at least get the names of his songs right. (Ok. Ok. I’ll go a bit easier on the guy. I can’t help it his batshit crazy fans drive me nuts.)

Crystal Bowersox
Saved

This will likely be the only time Crystal goes first this season. Naturally, she’s going back to her gospel-blues roots. But she’s got an…ELECTRIC guitar! Adam’s sage advice is to let down her dreads.

Crystal is still wearing the feather — one of fallen comrade Lilly Scott’s earrings. Crystal is great, of course, all the way-too-loud backup singers wish they were Crystal. Crystal is great. But I knew she would be great. And I knew she would do an Elvis gospel song. Randy calls her the second coming of Bonnie Raitt. Homey, please. Granted, I don’t like Bonnie Raitt because I’m only familiar with her adult contemporary shit from the 1990s that’s been done to death on this shit show, but whatever. You can’t listen to a man wearing a cardigan punctuated by variously-sized happy faces. The judges really have nothing interesting or new to say. Kara is wearing camoflage and failed to run a brush through her hair in an obvious effort to have “bed head.” Honky please.

I adore Crystal, but I look forward to her performances on the show only because I know she’s not going to suck, not because I can’t wait to see what she does next. This may be both a good and a bad thing. By the way, I realized something today. It’s a good thing Crystal was not name Crystal Beth Bowersox, because having one’s name be Crystal Beth would totally suck.

Andrew Garcia
Hound Dog

Further fueling the fact the show is oh-so-over Andrew Garcia, the beaten, battered and bewildered El Vez-wannabe is going second. He’s also doing Hound Dog. Why oh why did he not take my advice and do In The Ghetto? Bye bye, Andrew Garcia.

It’s boring. I was bored. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I know I can be straight up with you.

Adam Lambert gets points for calling him boring. But did he tell him he could be straight up with him on purpose? Is Hound Dog anything but boring? Lambert makes Garcia change it up, or so we’re led to believe. I don’t know if its really changed up, but its the first time I’ve actually been forced to listen to the lyrics of Hound Dog. Garcia really only slowed it down, rather than changing it up. The result borders on shrill.

Randy tells him he was bad karaoke because they producers told him Andrew was going home this week. This is Ellen’s cue to say she likes it. Camo Kara says he dragged the mic around. Simon says all of his coolness has been sucked out of him. Garcia’s family (i.e., those holding the giant cardboard glasses and the posterboard with giant glasses drawn on it)are not pleased.

Ellen may be the only judge to survive the gang hit put out tonight. She was a smart woman. But why Andrew didn’t attempt something like Always On My Mind, It’s Now or Never, or Hawaiian Wedding Song over Hound Dog is enough for me to easily say its his time to go this week.

Tim Urban
Can’t Help Falling In Love

American Idol also wants to get rid of Tim Urban. They have for three weeks. This is why he is going third. Perhaps luckily for Tim, Adam Lambert seems to just adore him! He likes his voice and guitar! Maybe Lambert knows if he gets his batshit crazy Glamberts to vote for Tim, he will easily sail through this difficult double-elimination week. Maybe he wants to make whoopee with Tim Urban, who knows. But if Adam Lambert helps TURBAN stay in the competition, more power to him.

Magic happens, bitches. Magic. Tim Urban sounds…good? No. Like, this is the best his voice has EVER sounded. I actually kind of like the way he sounds tonight, and not just the idea of TIMMEH. And then Ryan Seacrest gets some dude from the audience up to dance with him! Our world has been turned upside down. All thanks to Adam Lambert and Tim Urban.

Sure, Teflon Timmy still looks like a deer in headlights when he attempts to convey emotion and it forces me to turn away, but I’ll be damned. TIM URBAN IS UNSTOPPABLE. Ellen compares him to tequila! It’s Shit-For-Brains’ favorite Tim performance ever! I will have go a step beyond her kind of right-on critique and say its the most relevant performance of the evening. She might have made a little sense, but she still looks like a roadwhore.

Even Simon creams all over Timmeh and says he’s gone from zero to hero.

(Oh, and Ryan Seacrest was dancing with Season 8′s Michael Sarver. In a godly way, of course.)

Adam Lambert loves you, Tim Urban. Magic, baby. Magic.

Lee DeWyze
A Little Less Conversation

Adam thinks Lee needs more going on in his face. Adam is beginning to remind me of Jay Manuel in a sense, and any help these people could use in the “stage presence” category. Sigh…will Lee listen? Wait. He kind of looks like he’s having fun up there. Is he smiling? He doesn’t look like he’s gonna puke this week. Damn. Oh well. He’ll be here for awhile…

Lee shouts the lyrics with good nature. Its not really out of tune, per se, but in this rendition, it almost appears as if it would be hard to go out of tune. It’s more throaty than melodic. Its a grungy & gritty barroom version of a song which came to prominence as a posthumous electro dance mix. But its fun, I guess.

The judges adore Lee, so it doesn’t really matter if he kinda sorta just phoned this one in. But Kara thinks he needs to be looser. Funny when such advice comes from one of the true dingleberries on humanity’s the music industry’s asscrack.

When Lee talks in his talking voice, he sounds a lot like Danny Gokey, except he’s not telling us how awesome he is or that he had a wife that died. Still, his talking voice freaks me out a bit because he sounds an awful lot like Gokey when he speaks.

Aaron Kelly
Blue Suede Shoes

Adam wants Aaron to growl more. In the opening verse, Aaron rushes it a bit, but he has seemed to infuse a little more grrrrr into it. How adorable! Its a puppy dog and he’s growling. He even attempts to break it down at the end, and it becomes more bluesy. But its kind of karaoke, but in reality, how can Blue Suede Shoes NOT be karaoke? Which isn’t bad, but Aaron is like, cute little puppy dog kid.

The poor thing looks frightened to death as soon as he finishes the last note. The judges have mixed feelings on his performance, and I am not understanding how Shit-For-Brains called him “younger.” I have to agree with Simon on this one, perhaps, because it definitely was not younger. But hell, Blue Suede Shoes can’t ever really be current, can it? And no matter what the stylists will have them believe, making a skinny teenage boy push up his jacket sleeves and pop his collar NEVER gives something a more youthful vibe. Just because that midget assclown Justin Bieber (aka The Moppet of Beelzebub / The Imp of Hades)

(Adam Lambert, guess what? You’re a lot more likable when you’re not trying to be an edgy asshat in random interviews. You’re really not a bad mentor, I guess. Except for the fact you’re kind of giving all the contestants the exact same advice. Not that they all couldn’t improve on their stage presence or anything, but you know, you could get a little more personal? More technical? But as of right now, I again feel sorry for you because you have all those batshit crazy fans. This too, shall pass, but I’m gonna go with it for now.)

Siobhan Magnus
Suspicious Minds

Siobhan thought she should dress like Elvis tonight. She’s also doing one of the greatest Elvis songs of all time. Adam thinks she sounds sleepy, so he tells her to speed it up. She’s oh-so excited to meet him because she’s been compared to him. He accepts this nicely, but come on people, its because they both screech shit.

Siobhan, when dressed in her street clothes, is endearing. When she adapts her personal style for the stage, it comes out all wrong. Its difficult to explain, perhaps, but when she goes from quirky girl to quirky “glam”, it just…it just fails.

Her rendition is rather dull, as she looks like a has-been singing somebody else’s song on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon. She’s 20, yet she’s dressed like she’s 50, even though she is wearing some Elvis by way of The Fifth Element-inspired shit. She goes into gospel mode to prepare for the penultimate screech. Oh, Siobhan. I’m sorry. I really, really, really want to like you. But your performances bore me to tears. It wasn’t current. It wasn’t young. It wasn’t relevant.

Randy sounds more scripted than usual. Next. The judges are basically telling her to start screaming again. More than anything, I want to cry because I am agreeing 100% with Kara DioGuardi. Agreeing with Simon is okay, though. He thinks she’s lost her way! Sweet. Sorry. I wish I could like you more Siobhan, I really, really, really wish I could.

In her defense, Siobhan tells them she has no idea who she is or what she wants to sing. Fabulous. I get it. I might buy her album if she wasn’t doing pop music on American Idol. But she’s not Rachel Yamagata. She’s screeching shit on American Idol.

Ryan Seacrest pimps some Idol Gives Back something or another, something about Exxon. And then he slams Brian Dunkelman. No one laughs. Seacrest, oh Seacrest. You really need to find out who is screwing with your teleprompter.

Michael Lynche
In The Ghetto

Adam Lambert feels Lynche needs a little more oomph, more theatrics, more storytelling, et al. He also thinks his voice is incredible and he should go very far in the competition. Lynche was not my choice to do one of my all-time favorite Elvis songs, In The Ghetto. It’s also not the wisest decision considering Lynche really needs to do something a bit more up tempo (Eleanor Rigby not included)

Its obvious what Lynche is trying to do, but I almost wish he would dial back on the “black dude doing R&B schtick.” He did not start out this way in the competition, which made him a bit interesting, perhaps. But there was nothing enthralling about the arrangement and it did not emit a singer-songwriter vibe from the dude sitting there with an acoustic guitar. The vocals? Solid. But Big Mike’s vocals are always on point. He’s just lost much of his way trying to become what the judges want. Seriously, dude. Do you want Ruben Studdard’s career?

The judges are pressed for time so they just tell him out great he was, albeit unenthusiastically. The accolades seem to rehearsed, too pat, almost too scripted. And besides Elvis, there’s only one person I want to hear sing In The Ghetto.

(Totally called the possible pimp spot(s), btw.)

Katie Stevens
Baby What You Want Me To Do?

Every week, Smug Teen Witch piles more accessories on in a concerted effort to conceal some of that stress-induced weight gain. Her outfit is pitiful. Her attempts at looking sexy are laughable. Everything about Smug Teen Witch is a joke.

Does she have a bad voice? Not necessarily, but its nothing special. Is she bland, unimaginative and pageanty? Duh. Is China part of Asia? Every week, Katie Stevens takes the stage desperately trying to be the second coming of Kelly Clarkson. Sadly, there’s no way in hell this is going to happen. The performance is dull, overly rehearsed and like every other thing we’ve ever seen before. She’s desperately trying to appeal to Simon at this point by adding a little twang to her voice, but this kid has no clue who she is as a person, let alone a singer. And every time she tries to show her youth, she comes out looking like a spoiled child playing dress up in Mommy’s closet. Smug Teen Witch is much like how I imagine Suri Cruise will be during puberty.

Randy likes it. Ellen thinks her performance was horny. Shit-For-Brains says something inconsequential. Simon calls her loud and annoying. YAY SIMON! Then the pompous adolescent has the audacity to admit she’s begging for votes as she pleads to the audience at home. Smug Teen Witch, please allow me to quote Elvis. You’re the devil in disguise.

(Ryan Seacrest might be on something tonight. Or he is having a Ron Burgundy-style meltdown. The dude may have lost it.)

Casey James
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

One must hand it to Casey James for choosing a somewhat obscure songs each and every week. It’s working for him, as he lands in this week’s pimp spot. Casey’s Southern blues,jam band sensibilities are coming into their own at the right time on the Idol stage. Is he unlike anything you’ve ever seen before? Oh hell no, but neither is Crystal Bowersox. You could see either one of them (and Lee DeWyze) in a bar near your house (and a lot of shittier soundalikes, too) if you so desired. And these are the ones to beat at this stage in the competition.

It constantly amuses me that American Idol has been very clear on who they wanted to win Season 8, yet this season has been nothing about guitar-driven singer-songwriter pop rock. Anyway…Casey’s performance is not revelatory, but its solid. It’s both fun and boring! (No, Randy! Don’t use the word I used!) You can’t really challenge this guy for doing the same thing over and over again, when frankly, he is delivering similar performances week after week. If you’re going to tell him to move out of his comfort zone, than you should do the same for Ms. Bowersox.

While Adam Lambert didn’t really change the way the game is being played while offering his skills as a mentor, would anyone’s at this point? Has anyone’s ever done so? We only see a few minutes of what might only be a few minutes of uh, mentoring. If the goal was for the contestants to improve upon their stage presence, then we had a couple of winners. Lee DeWyze did not look nauseous. And Tim Urban revealed more confidence and talent than he had previously in the competition. If he survives this week, he may no longer be a running joke but a viable contender for the Idol crown.

Who do you think will be the two contestants eliminated this week? Ok. Allow me to rephrase that — who do you think will be sent packing alongside Andrew Garcia? Aaron Kelly may be in the most danger, but Tim Urban isn’t out of the woods yet. But let’s not forget Siobhan Magnus and Smug Teen Witch who both delivered sub-par performances this week. It may just be Katie Stevens’ time to return to her sleepy Connecticut town. You wouldn’t really want her to miss her prom now, would you?

Spread the word. Do it.

9. Andrew Garcia
By this point in the season, Garcia has had his life on the line as many times as when he just a wee gangbanger. This week’s meh rendition of Can’t Buy Me Love was way more corny than current. Unless he can pull out a performance on par with his R&B/Soul Week version of Chris Brown’s Forever, expect Andrew to be one of the this week’s two eliminations.

8. Aaron Kelly
Kelly needs to step up his game if he wants to go farther. While its impossible to hate on the fresh-faced Pennsylvania teen, people are tiring of his song choices — many of which have been performed ad nauseum (I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing) or moment-making memorable (Ain’t No Sunshine) by past contestants. Aaron is in danger of being eliminated this week, but he could easily survive with a pimp performance spot and if fellow teenager Katie Stevens stumbles during Elvis Week.

7. Michael Lynche
Sure, Lynche would have been on his way back to Queens if the judges had not used their precious save on the would-be 9th place finisher. Say what you want about Big Mike, but it wasn’t his time to go. But he does need to step up his game. Through being saved, Big Mike has pretty much bought himself yet another week in the competition because no one will send home a saved contestant that next week.

6. Katie Stevens
Smug Teen Witch received more praise for her soulless rendition of Let It Be than any of her past performances, but she’s not consistent. And her personality has not endeared herself with the majority of viewers, or by many accounts, with her fellow contestants. The cocky teenage pageant queen is in clear danger of being one of this week’s eliminations, but she also may be due for a pimp performance spot. If she performs last (or even second to last) and Aaron Kelly or Tim Urban falters, she’ll be forced to come back and annoy us all for yet another week.

5. Siobhan Magnus
Siobhan may have a legitimate chance at winning, but she also may have peaked too soon. While her quirkiness is often endearing, her performances no longer seem revelatory but shrill. Even the judges are tiring her her trademark screech, but then claim to be confused when she reigns it in. Pairing her with this week’s mentor and King of Idol Stage Screech Adam Lambert will likely yield interesting results, and with the herd of Lambert fans watching the episode solely to see a glimpse of their glittery lord & savior, Siobhan will be sticking around awhile longer.

4. Tim Urban
Say what you want to about Timmeh, but he’s become one of this mediocre season’s most rousing fan favorites. The kid is just happy to be there, and frankly, he won many a point by telling Kara DioGuardi to shut the frak up ever so politely after she spoke to him as if he were a special needs toddler during the Top 10 results show. Urban’s All My Loving was the perfect song choice and he didn’t sound half bad. Teflon Timmy also has the unified support of Vote for the Worst and many others who just hate this damn show, or have tired of its lame reindeer games. Tim Urban also loves animals, hair products, Jesus Christ, babies, whitening toothpaste, mission work and was homeschooled. He’s also from Texas. Sure, this week will be make it or break it for the Idol’s Little Engine That Could. But if he makes it through this week’s double elimination, it may just prove Tim Urban is unstoppable.

3. Lee DeWyze
I liked the bagpiper. And while we still have not heard Lee perform a song completely in key, at least the bagpiper distracted from his sometimes meandering Hey Jude. It also proved, along with his alleged bromace with fellow contestant Andrew Garcia (DANNY GOKEY BABIES!!!), Lee may just have more personality than initially thought. He always looks like he wants to puke and might actually hate the show and a few of his contestants! Lee is beginning to grow on me, perhaps, but that really does not matter. He does have legions of frauen fans, many David Cook fans dig him, and the judges just can’t stop telling him how he’s the real deal, so this dude is at least going to the Top 3. Even if he vomits on stage.

2. Crystal Bowersox
Bowersox may have had an off week, but even on an off week, she’s still better than nearly everyone else. In the coming weeks, Bowersox will need to break out of her comfort zone, though, and for her this means she must lose the guitar. And not replace it with a piano. Maybe do some epic rearranging of a classic song. This week should provide some inevitable, if minor, hilarity during her scenes with mentor Adam Lambert. And unless she manages to fall on her ass several weeks in a row, the young dreadlocked mother from Ohio is a sure bet to make it to the finals.

1. Casey James
Often coming across as one-dimensional in his performances, Casey had a “moment” of sorts on last week’s show with his acoustic-guitar rearrangement of John Lennon’s Jealous Guy. It doesn’t hurt that Casey is the best looking male contestant of the season, hell, he’s one of the few male Idol contestants who would be deemed as such if you walked past them on the street (i.e., Ace Young, Kris Allen). And its probably not just because of Kara DioGuardi’s objectification of him during his audition, but he’s even got his own Casey James Cougar Army! (He’s also from Texas. Texas is a big state with lots of state pride and if/when Tim Urban goes home, Casey will get even more Texan support.) But his Lennon/McCartney week performance indicates Casey may be stepping up his game at just the precise time, and if he continues to do this in the weeks to come, its conceivable he could make it all the way to the Top 4 and even all the way to the finals, going up against Crystal Bowersox in a Battle of the Blonds.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, Ryan promises SHOCKING results. Shock me, Ryan. Shock me. Ryan won’t shut up about the shocking results. This is probably complete bullshit, much like Kara DioGuardi’s Flying Spaghetti Monster-awful look tonight. To quote my mother when faced with such abject horror — I wouldn’t wear that to a dog fight. Why on earth is she wearing Padme Amidala’s hand-me-downs?

Extreme Idol Gives Back pimping has begun. The judges and Seacrest are all donating shit that’s taking up room in their rich people’s closets.

GROUP SING HORROR

Leading with Lee…then Big Mike…then Aaron…followed by Timmeh Cheekbones who they have hanging from the shoddy balcony. Danger! Danger! What if he falls?

Then Andrew Garcia and Casey James. Then the girls emerge from nowhere, all wearing black & white mod attire. They are led by Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. Jodie Foster did the whole teenage whore thing much better in Taxi Driver. Smug Teen Witch is loathesome. She also learned her stage technique from watching Sarah Palin speeches, winking like she’s in fraking Wasilla.

Bowersox is adorable walking awkwardly as she lip syncs her part in this atrocious Beatles medley. But this, not this is the scene for the ages. The next time I am sad, I will pick myself up again by staring at this lovely image.

(BTW. Siobhan. Over her. Totally over her.)

Half of the Beatles are dead. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other half offed themselves after watching this shit. I so hope Paul and Ringo are sleeping right now. They don’t need to see this fuckery. Hell, neither does Yoko Ono.

After that shit, we’re still forced to watch a lame Ford commercial about singing a song with no melody. Oh, how apropos! There is also a kaleidoscope. Smut Teen Witch is dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old.

Let’s activate the results? WTF do we need to activate? Are the Wonder Twins somewhere under a cloak of invisibility?

Seacrest starts with Siobhan. She is forced to go to the center of the stage, but no word if she is in the Bottom 3. It is also important to note she is wearing white jeans with Buddha on the thigh.

Crystal then joins Siobhan in the middle of the stage. Then its Smug Teen Witch’s turn to stand. Once again, she is wearing all of the clothes her mommy left in the bag for Goodwill. She is also wearing a t-shirt featuring all the lyrics to Let It Be. I am waiting for her pleather blazer to burst open to reveal more of this lame ass t-shirt, which might even be more groan-inducing than when David Cook Sharpied Give Back on his hand during Season 7′s Idol Gives Back. Seacrest asks her why she connected to the song. Smug Teen Witch says its was dedicated to her senile grandmother.

Seacrest asks Randy if he thinks any of these girls could be going home tonight. He says NO WAY, THESE GIRLS ARE HOT. See, they’re still trying to make everyone believe its a girl’s year. And Randy continues to skip his vocabulary building lessons on a daily basis. I have an brilliant idea! On the next results show, to make things a bit more interesting, Seacrest should administer the SAT vocab section to Randy during the first half of the show and then release the score at the end of the hour.

Sadly, if any of them were to be sent home, they would be saved. Crystal is safe. Duh. Then both the girls are sent back to the sofas. Boooooo! Smug Teen Witch and Siobhan could both go home and I would be happy. Wait. I did want to see Siobhan screech her way into trainwreck territory after she hangs out with Adam Lambert next week.

That was the most drawn out bullshit EVER. To think, we still have to endure Archuleta, Rhianna and that Jason Derulo asshat before anything fraking happens on this shit show.

When we return from the commercial break, Seacrest is sitting next to the (safe!) girls on the top row. Siobhan and Bowersox are both sitting as far away from Smug Teen Witch as humanly possible. When Seacrest announces Adam Lambert is next week’s mentor, Smug Teen Witch acts all excited. Siobhan smiles in such a forced, other-worldly WTF way, WTF am I doing here, I almost want to like her again. Bowersox can hardly hide her disappointment at having Adam Lambert mentor her AND being forced to live under the same roof as Smug Teen Witch for at least one more week.

Jason Derulo. He was signed by Shit-For-Brains. This explains everything. This guy isn’t even a one hit wonder. He’s a one hit I wouldn’t wipe my ass with this shit at a Porta-Potty at Burning Man at 2am when the toilet paper is all gone. Granted, this In My Head song is better than the Imogen Heap/The O.C. OMG SHE SHOT HIM song he ripped off. He is also wearing spikes on his shoulder. How much do you want to bet Adam Lambert’s herd of psychotic sparkle cows are already attributing Derulo’s fashion choices to their lord & savior? Hmmm…I would rather point out how he ganked all of Michael Jackson’s dance moves without even putting his own spin or finesse on them.

Derulo’s performance features stop-action camera work in black & white. Its a little disconcerting on the Idol stage. I guess last week’s seizure-inducing Dirty Diddy Money-ness was not enough for the Idol producers, who clearly hate epileptics. Derulo gets some props, though, he gives a fairly high energy performance. I think he lip synced. Seacrest allows Shit-For-Brains to talk. All you need to know is that she takes credit for all of it.

Yawn. I’m going to get a snack. You want anything?

Nope. No Bottom 3 just yet. Here is David Archuleta sitting at the baby grand, partying like its March 2008. Archie seems like a sweet kid, he really does. I have nothing against the guy. I feel bad he got stuck with shit parents and was forced to go on Star Search. He sometimes shows a predilection towards dry wit when giving interviews.

But essentially, I hate his music. Sorry, Archie. You just ain’t my style. Fast forwarding…Seacrest may as well have tea with the kid because he’s doing nothing to speed this shit show up. Amazingly, there is no commercial break!

Lee DeWyze is asked to stand up first. Seacrest asks him something. He babbles on about confidence, talks in circles. Randy calls him baby and tells him to own it. Seacrest sends him to the far side of the stage. Really. This does not make things interesting.

Michael Lynche is next. I really just want to see him next to Michael Clarke Duncan. Lynche is asked to go to the other side of the stage. Casey James is next. He is sent to stand with Lee. Oh interesting. If that’s how it goes down. Lee looks like he’s gonna puke, as per usual.

Tweenage Edward Norton Puppydog Aaron Kelly is next. I just can’t hate on this kid. I’m going soft. I know, I know. Aaron is told to stand next to Big Mike.

Then its Timmeh’s turn! Timmeh! Timmy! HE IS ASKED TO JOIN LEE AND CASEY! Is this supposed to be super obvious? Andrew is last. He will obviously be sent to stand with Aaron and Big Mike. It’s simple match.

Uh, yeah. Bottom 3 is obvious. But you know what this means?? TIMMEH IS SAFE! TIMMEH IS SAFE! My 50 votes mattered! Seacrest asks Ellen which group she thinks it is, this is never a good idea, because Ellen does not like to send anyone home.

Something dawned upon me a moment ago. I will not be content unless I see Lee DeWyze puke on stage. No, I’m not some sicko fetishist. I just want to see the dude puke. It would be more amusing than watching the other poor saps vomit, mainly because they don’t look nauseous all the time.

Whoa. Aaron Kelly is sent to safety. Dude. Are children actually voting this year? Big Mike vs. El Vez Garcia! If El Vez goes home, maybe Lee will puke.

Fast forwarding through Rhianna. Am I the only one who is completely over her voice? I think it is more important to note here that the competition’s last remaining minority contestants received the least amount of votes this week. IDOL IS RACIST!

Pre-taped Rhianna saunters down the stairs in head-to-tow black latex. Yawn. Rhianna so needs to stop ripping off Adam Lambert!

(Note to both Rhianna, Adam Lambert, Lady Gaga every other day of the week, that grimy Ke$ha chick, wait, she doesn’t count — anyway, Grace Jones did it better and always will.)

In case you were wondering, that is NOT Crystal Bowersox wielding a DeWalt sander.

After Rhianna keeps trying to brainwash us into believe she’s a Rockstar (she can pretend to play an electric guitar really well).

Finally…WTF? Dude. I kind of thought this is how it might go down. Andrew Garcia is safe.

Oh man. I feel sorry for Big Mike now. This show often plays on my heartstrings. Jesus christ. They show his sobbing wife…repeatedly. They show Bowersox sobbing…repeatedly.

Big Mike smartly sings This Woman’s Work. This actually could throw a wrench in the judges’ carefully crafted plans. They may have to pull out the bullshit save now. Will they do it? Will they do it if it means they can’t save their precious Siobhan or Smug Teen Witch?

Randy is shaking his head. Dumbfuck. Kara DioGuardi is playing all dramatic and confused. Of course, the judges were all actually listening this time around, so…

All is well! Big Mike is…SAVED. Homeboy lives to survive another week (well, actually two b/c no one is ever cruel enough to send them out the next week). And this means, two contestants will go home next week. More importantly, it means the judges can save no one else.

So when Smug Teen Witch is sent packing, no one can do a damned thing about it.

Wow. Think about how much better this episode could have been had they just done this all within the first 15 minutes.

Are you happy with the judges using their save on nice guy Michael Lynche? Who do you think will be the two contestants sent home next week? Or do you think they will send everyone home and declare Adam Lambert the champion of Season 9?

In honor of tonight’s judge’s save, let’s watch another memorable save of sorts.

Spread the word. Do it.

Lee is in the pimp spot and Smug Teen Witch is going to SUCK SUCK SUCK.

Aaron Kelly – Long and Winding Road

Katie Stevens – Let it Be

Andrew Garcia – Can’t Buy Me Love

Mike – Eleanor Rigby

Crystal – Come Together

Tim – All My Loving

Casey – Jealous Guy

Siobhan – Across the Universe

Lee – Hey Jude (with Bagpipes!)

Spread the word. Do it.