The reactions
After each person auditioned, they’d walk out of the double doors back into the room where the family (if there was one) was waiting for them outside.  Of course they’d jump and scream and react appropriately, and the entire thing would be filmed.   What you should know about this:
1)  The family is told exactly where to stand
2)  The family is told exactly what to do
3)  If the families reaction is not good enough (or too good),  they have the reaction repeated so that they can film it from a different camera perspective.   They also make suggestions, like “wave your signs,”  ”pick him up and spin him,”  and they are told over and over again to be as energetic and enthusiastic as possible.  People were scolded for just saying “yay” or “congratulations”.
4)  All of the other families and contestants (who are sitting between 5-50 feet away)  are not allowed to clap, cheer, scream, talk, or make any noise whatsoever.  They do this because they don’t want you to know those people are there.   Think back to my drawing of the double doors with the two potted plants and the row of chairs in front of the door with the first row of contestants and the however many rows of contestants and families behind them.  When you see the contestants running out of the room with the ticket, did you see anyone else around? Nope.   Isn’t that slightly odd?   Yep.    Now, in their defense I did not make the very very last round, so they may have moved everyone to a separate holding area by then, but I know they still keep that area roped off (or silenced) to minimize background noise and cheering.

God, I love this woman. JWOWW is not only the best, most loyal friend a girl could ever have, she also possesses a decent amount of artistic ability.

NEWS FROM THE HOUSE OF BEYOND RANDOM. Remember Anchal from America’s Next Top Model several cycles back? Indian girl? Did you ever wonder what became of her after enduring Tyra Banks? She might be dating Jim Carrey. That’s right. Jim Carrey. A real glutton for punishment, that Anchal.

In an interview with TVSquad, former American Idol judge Kara “Shit For Brains” Dioguardi said some crap about why she’s better on non-live formats and how she’s really cool in real life. Sure. And I’m listening to Open Toes right now.

“I have a sense of humor and I’m a lot cooler than I appeared on that show,” she said. “It was the industry expert role and I had to play that role, that’s what was given to me, but I can’t tell you how many sessions I walked into and people were like ‘who the hell is that girl on that show, that’s not even you!’ I have way more of a sense of humor and I don’t take things so seriously. I would hope they see I’m more down to Earth than you’d think and I’ve struggled in my life a lot to get where I am.”

And a couple of days late but…I’m doing it anyway. I do not care how much you love this man. THERE IS NOTHING SEXY OR GLAMOROUS ABOUT STRINGY HAIR, COKE BLOAT, AND A JUMBO HEFTY BAG. And I will totally respect you if you just ADMIT IT.

Spread the word. Do it.

Um. Kara’s in, Paula’s gone, Ellen’s in, Simon’s gone, Ellen’s out, Kara’s out, Kara’s back, JLo’s in, Steven Tyler’s in, JLo’s out, Tyler’s a maybe, everybody’s gone!, WAIT…not Randy, Tyler’s in, Kara’s out again, JLo’s back in….is that where we stand? IS THAT IT? Are you sure we won’t wake up tomorrow to discover that Randy’s gone, and Larry the Cable Guy is in? Git r Done Daawwg. GAAHHHH, this is ridiculous (<---note to teenagers on Facebook, there is not, nor will there ever be, an "e" in this word, no matter how often you insist on putting one there. Sorry...pet peeve...also "your" and "you're" are not interchangeable...grrrrrrr.) *sigh* Is anyone buying this manufactured controversy? Why bother? The Season 9 Tour drew scanty crowds. Next season will be worse. Worse, that is (they think), unless they actually manage to find the Holy Grail Bieber Clone they're counting on. The problem is that Justin Bieber will be over ( maybe he will have even reached puberty!) by the time they find Fetus 2.0, and screaming eleven year olds will have moved on to someone else. Fickle. The show's core audience is not interested in floppy-haired fifteen year olds anyway. I feel really sorry for all the kids standing in line for hours and hours, being away from their friends and family, hoping against hope. Y'all are about to get screwed.

But this is probably just reality show karma kicking in.(remember our lovely Paula?) Luckily this guy got out just in time.

Kris, KAB, and Chris Nathan (who I really like) jammed at Cafe 210 after their State College show last night. A few beers seems to have loosened these guys up. The first time I saw Andrew DeRoberts, I thought he suffered from spinal fusion.

That’s more like it. Back in my younger, bar-going days, nothing awesome like this ever happened when I was around.

Meanwhile, back at Glamnation…

Iowans only get treated to “air kisses?” C’mon now. Flyover country always gets the B side. The venue was pretty cool, a stage set up at the end of a bridge:

(pic via MJ’s from a BNL concert)

Adam tweeted after tonight’s show:

# Adam Lambert adamlambert
“where did all their pretty boys go?”
# adamlambert
Seriously… So many in the crowd tonight and not one of y’all stayed after so I could meet ya up close! Lol

Perhaps they got the wrong idea after pantygate?

(Thanks to et and nekola for the assist)

Spread the word. Do it.

Chik-fil-a continues its quest for worldwide dominance through American Idol. Season 7′s Michael Johns is now Tweeting about chiky-chik-chik goodness. (Me? I don’t recall ever having a life-changing meal at this place, but I’ve never been on American Idol. Maybe I’ll hit the West County Center food court the next time I’m in the Lou, let all of you know what I think.) Side note — I do kind of feel sorry for Michael Johns, as he is forced to use an underscore in his Twitter account because some teabagger from Jersey shares the same name.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS OUT. It seems Jenny from the Block / J. Lo. / One of the lamest narcissist bitches you will be lucky to never meet was just was too demanding and Idol judges shit-canned her ass before she even signed on the dotted line. Perhaps UMG knows she can’t sell albums? Perhaps no one wants a closet Scientologist at the judges’ table? Perhaps the bitch just wanted too damn much, because all she ever does is want want want. J. Lo, you peaked with Out of Sight and when you wore that sheer Versace robe with the merkin-of-bling, even though my mom has a Dillard’s private label plus-sized muumuu that’s really not dissimilar.

Of course, perhaps Kara DioGuardi threatened to kill herself if she could no longer be on Idol or something. Wait. I should not be referencing suicide — although Fantasia is out of the hospital. But Shit-For-Brains must be pissed since she has her Republican politician Daddy complaining about it on TV. The producer’s haven’t called her! Doesn’t that mean you’re out of work? Why is your Dad talking about this on a political-centric show? Jesus Christ. Sen. Scott Brown’s daughter was on American Idol and you don’t hear him talking about it, granted Ayla Brown was on the show about 5 years ago and she wasn’t a judge or anything. I think I just wanted an excuse to post THIS:

WAIT! These GossipCop people claim J. Lo is still in the running to judge everyone’s not-favorite shit show. I bet she’s paying them with Dianetics and Glow to say such things.

Poor, sweet Casey James…if he’s gonna help the little people out, it better be some nice midgets…

Big Mike Lynche better make Casey a good sandwich tonight. They’ve been eating GOOD lately. Then again, Big Mike hasn’t missed a meal since he was a zygote. They’re even eating sandwiches in daylight now! In the desert! Big Mike, I never thought I would call myself a fan but dude, you need your own Food Network show or deli or something. Maybe you could tag team 2-foot bacon cheeseburgers with the Man vs. Food guy or something, I dunno, but you if you’re not totally set on pursuing this singing stuff, the world is your buffet table. Take all the plates you want.

CLUBEN happened tonight. In NYC. In the ladies’ room of the Hammerstein Ballroom. Yeah…THIS is how you close a show, dammit!

Isn’t this guy a newlywed? Does he ever spend time with his wife? Jason Castro, all you do is eat and sleep in food courts and airports. And in between, you likely play your guitar and take bong hits, maybe watch some baseball. It’s cool, Castro, it’s cool. I had no idea Kumar’s woman had a sister! Score!

Spread the word. Do it.

OH HAPPY DAY. TMZ is reporting Kara DioGuardi is FIRED.

I received this news as I lay in bed this morning, at the same time, Oskar and his cute little furry ginger head arrived looking for scratches behind the ears. All of this is like, the best stuff that can happen to a person in a bed alone.

If you’ve ever read this blog, you most definitely know about my ongoing hate affair with one Kara DioGuardi. Part of me wishes I was sad about this development, as I have so enjoyed ripping her to shreds over the last two years. But I am thrilled! Kara DioGuardi’s likability ranks down there with Sarah Palin.

Plus, its not difficult to find things to hate on when watching Idol. I hear Jennifer Lopez is a new judge! I’ve hated her for over a decade. Kara DeCuckoo or whatever your name is, you’re not needed anymore. Go write more shitty songs for people.

Spread the word. Do it.

From the HOW IS THIS NEWS category. Adam Lambert tells KC101 he plans on releasing his second album in fall 2011. A lot of Glamberts are squeeing about this, but isn’t this just sort of…intuitive? New artist finishes tour for first album and returns to the studio to work on second album? Isn’t that how it works? Especially after a first album? Am I the only one who assumed he probably has already been thinking about his next album and planned on recording & releasing it in 2011? (Best part of the interview is when he says he’s learned to love his Glamberts.)

Yesterday marked the final performance of the Hair revival, starring Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo. There was even a Hair eParty commemorating the occasion. Dude. I thought they all got naked at the end of this thing. Damn. Another missed opportunity to see Ace Young nude.

Lee DeWyze is writing stuff for his “first” album. We also know Kara DioGuardi is doing something for it. This cannot end well.

EW’s Michael Slezak did a kick-ass special edition with La Princesa del Mariachi, Allison Iraheta. There’s a bonus acoustic version of Holiday. And that’s pretty much ALL I need to say about that one.

Kris Allen performed at Golden Gate Park yesterday as part of the Alice Summertime event. I wouldn’t normally post this in Idol Quickies, but I was way too impressed by this live version of Is It Over. I swear this guy just keeps getting better and better the more shows he plays. Hell, I can’t even believe that’s the same guy from last year’s American Idol.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, I’m just a wee bit sad. No, not because I simply adore American Idol. And not because I simply adored this season. I’m just a wee bit sad because I simply adore tearing this show a new asshole on a weekly basis. I simply adore that a few of you actually take the time to read this shit blog. Where will you go? Will I ever see you again if we don’t have American Idol to talk about? I WANT US TO STILL BE FRIENDS!!!

Crystal won the all-important coin toss for tonight’s performance order and smartly chose to go second. So Lee DeWyze will be going first. I would have used the clever nickname I thought of for him last week, but I’ve already forgotten it. Sads. This year is a bit different in that the contestants were actually able to choose their possible coronation song. Because no one wants another No Boundaries. Bowersox has chosen something about a mountain and DeWheezey has selected something called Beautiful Day, which I want to believe is not the U2 hit made even more memorable in my favorite Super Bowl halftime show of all time. After all, both songs need to have the patented brand of syrupy schmaltz that is the Idol coronation song.

Wait…is it…? You mean they’re doing covers. COVERS? Wow. Kara DioGuardi. You killed the Idol coronation song. It might have been the only good thing you’ve done with your life. So Crystal Bowersox is doing Patty Griffin’s Up on the Mountain and Lee DeWyze is doing…U2′s Beautiful Day?

Lee DeWyze
Contestant’s Choice — The Boxer

As a child, Lee DeWyze wanted to be a baseball player. Then he picked up a guitar and fell in love with it, because after every kid finds out its nearly impossible to be a professional ball player, they then resort to their fallback plan. And that’s becoming a rock star. I also recall hearing this same exact story back in 2008 when David Cook was on the show. All the other little boys with similar dreams grew up to do other things. One of them is likely sitting next to you at a bar right now, or maybe he left your toilet seat up. He probably also sold you a can of paint.

How long can Lee stay in tune? How long will his line of spittle stretch like an orthodontic rubber band during the li-li-li-la-la-li-li-lis? He seemed to stay on tune a bit more than usual, but his first time around with this song was a lot better. He seemed more hungry during that performance and frankly, this one fell a bit flat. He phoned it in, perhaps because of nerves of perhaps because he thinks America will swoon and pick up their phones whenever they hear him do the Simon & Garfunkel classic. Sorry, Ellen, I disagree.

Awwww, look who got fresh Botox for Finale Week? And why is she not wearing her full skin suit? We can see part of her alien lizard scales. This would only be good if I could see her deep throat a hamster, a la Diana in the original V.

So he was connected to the song? Huh? Yeah. Simon sums it up better than Limited Vocab and Shit-For-Brains. He did need more passion and excitement.

Crystal Bowersox
Contestant’s Choice — Me & Bobby McGee

Yay! Crystal Bowersox’s biker dad! Yay! Crystal Bowersox has known who she is as an artist since her early teens! Yay! Crystal Bowersox brought her favorite bong back for the big night.

I don’t really have to listen closely to this performance to come to the conclusion Round 1 will go to Ms. Bowersox. She’s singing Janis Joplin’s Me & Bobby McGee. She can’t screw it up. She could sing this in her sleep and it would still be better than most of what we’ve seen this season. When Lee inevitably wins, Crystal will be just fine. I’m also issuing a $100 bet right now that within the next few weeks, rumors of her being cast as Janis Joplin in the Janis Joplin biopic that has never come to fruition (the last I heard was Pink) will start popping up.

I bet Randy says she’s in that damned wheelhouse again. Come on…come on…say it, Randy! Say it! Damn him! Although it does seem you can’t start things out slow on Finale night. At least in Randy’s eyes. Ellen sums it up quite perfectly. Go Ellen. Can’t you say things like that more often? Every time Kara DioGuardi says the word artist, I want to cut myself. Simon basically says she’s sucked for the past month, but now they have a competition on their hands. Yawn.

Lee DeWyze
Executive Producer’s Choice — Everybody Hurts

Executive Producer’s Choice just has really lame ring to it. OH JESUS FUCK. What was that first note? What is this…? WILL SOMEONE SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I can hear them dying but all I can see is this guy with a guitar on my TV. Wait there is a choir of like 1000 people behind him. Surely they don’t need that many people to do whatever it is that they’re doing, why aren’t they saving the kitty cats? The kitty cats are obviously trapped or hurt or scared and WOULD SOMEONE JUST SAVE THE KITTY CATS? I am not watching Animal Planet. I’m watching American Idol. I have no desire to listen to the audio from a kitty cat snuff film.

The choir just raised their hands. OMG THEY WERE SACRIFICING THE KITTY CATS TO THEIR GODS. HELP THE KITTY CATS. EVERYKITTY HURTS…Limited vocab Randy just said it started off pitchy (JUST PITCHY?) but then he got it back on track and became the Lee that he knows and loves. Sure, the final quarter was in key, but likely because he could shout the bridge. Oh Ellen, no.

I felt that you went off a couple of times, but I don’t really care about that, it’s really about the performance.

Ok, well she recovered…kind of. OH KILL ME NOW.

Lee, what makes you great as a performer is that you’re emotionally accessible. And that I can feel every word you’re saying and you’re telling a story. It wasn’t a perfect vocal, but I loved that about you.

Emotionally accessible? Granted, rocks show more emotion than Kara DioGuardi’s damned forehead so maybe that’s why her perception is off. Simon thinks it was a brilliant song choice for him.

I understand, you’re nervous.

The judges who are getting paid millions of dollars to judge a singing competition have just informed us singing means nothing. They’re not even pretending anymore.

Crystal Bowersox
Executive Producer’s Choice — Black Velvet

Come on. Crystal Bowersox deserves more than this trite piece of shit from one-hit wonder Alannah Myles. How many times has this song been performed on American Idol? (I know someone has the stats, so please give them up.) This song has aged about as well as the movie Cocktail.

Bowersox puts a bit of a bluesy torch song spin on it, but she must know its absolute shit? She just doesn’t look comfortable up there sewn into that ruched-to-all-hell-wannabe-diva black dress. And while she deftly handles such a shitty song choice, she almost overdoes it vocally when going in for the Siobhan Magnus (remember her?) glory notes. The judges will love it.

And the judges do. Lee DeWyze might be fucked. After all, it is a girl’s year, remember?

I’m almost allergic to that song. I’ve heard it so many times in auditions where people have absolutely murdered it.

Oh yes, Simon. Oh yes. So does this mean Crystal Bowersox can ably handle any shitty song you give to her? That’s a pretty tall order. Have you heard some of the releases from American Idol finalists? Anyhoo, Crystal makes a couple of jokes to endear herself to the audience once more. Whomever said she’s not media friendly sucks. She throws out the words little boy, diabetes and the lord at the right time, and also makes jokes at an opportune time.

I am so bored, so very, very bored. I’m so profoundly bored. Dear Lee DeWyze, this is your life now. Did your little boy fantasies of being a rock star include all those signs made with Sharpies and poster board?

Lee DeWyze
Coronation Song — Beautiful Day

It is the U2 song. Oh, Simon Cowell. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you got Bono to clear a song for a contestant? He lost. Anyway, someone was obviously taking advantage of Bono’s current infirm state when they got them to clear Beautiful Day for Lee DeWyze? The crusading rock star must be on some heavy painkillers right now, huh?

In all actuality, its Lee’s strongest performance of the evening, but the song doesn’t veer far enough from the original to make it distinct enough, which is almost necessary when you’re doing an incredibly popular song that is relatively recent in the grand scheme of things. Beautiful Day is one of those songs that always been uplifting in a sense, yet not entirely cloying, even though it is a most typical I-am-Bono-I-wear-sunglasses-&-want-to-save-the-world anthem. It’s corny, yes, but it just works. Perhaps again it is because, no matter how many times I’ve heard it, I will always associate it with the 2002 Super Bowl. (Yes, I know. The album was released in 2000.) It was the first song in U2′s emotionally-charged set that featured no frothy stage antics, just every name of those who died on 9/11 projected behind them during Where the Streets Have No Names. Save for Bruce Springsteen’s The Rising, which still gives me chills every time I hear it, Beautiful Day is a song so indelibly associated with a time where the United States was still reeling from the confusion and tragedy of the 9/11, that its hopeful message seems almost cheapened in any other context — especially on a show called American Idol.

Sure, U2′s Walk On is probably more associated with 9/11 than Beautiful Day, but that’s otherwise one of U2′s weaker songs.

(In case you don’t remember, or you missed it the first time around, here’s the greatest Super Bowl halftime show in the history of Super Bowl halftime shows.)

Regardless of what it makes you think of, Beautiful Day may be just too iconic an anthem for any American Idol contestant to take on. Even with an orchestra backing them. Hell, I still think Adam Lambert’s version of One from last season’s finale was one of his weakest performances. Again, perhaps it may just be U2 is one of the few huge acts still performing and releasing new material that any of their work may just be too recognizable for a karaoke contest. It’s U2. I mean, when you want to hear With or Without You, who do you want to hear singing it? U2, or some schmuck you sells you paint? All of this being said, I would love to see a U2 night on American Idol. Perhaps I’m a sadist. And a night of Bruce Springsteen songs? Oh yes. I am a sadist, granted, I would love to see what Crystal Bowersox might be able to do with Atlantic City.

You know something? It says a lot about how dull this show is when I just spent about the last 20 minute waxing faux-philosophical about U2, Bruce Springsteen and 9/11.

The judges give mixed reviews. Kara says he has the most commercial voice of anyone in this year’s competition. When Kara says commercial, its much like when she says artist (but what about those who do not believe you can be a true artist if you’re commercial? Yikes. I am so bored.) and I feel the need to cut myself. Simon reminds us that its his last Idol to judge and that Lee worked in a paint store. Did you know that Lee DeWyze used to sell paint?

Crystal Bowersox
Coronation Song — Up on a Mountain

Doing what she does best — but where is the bong stand? I am also in love with Crystal’s necklace. (Is she still wearing Lilly Scott’s feather? AWESOME!) I don’t know if there is any need to critique Ms. Bowersox’s performance, even with those backup singers hovering all around. Song choice? Perfect. Originally recorded by a respected artist (Patty Griffin) yet not a mainstream pop song known by the entire fraking world. It showcased every one of her strengths. Crystal Bowersox is the real fucking deal. And perhaps that’s why I’m still so damn bored. Because Crystal Bowersox IS great. She’s just always been better than this shit show.

JESUS FRAKING CHRIST IDIOT AUDIENCE PERSON. This is not a Danny Gokey show. This is Crystal Bowersox. Put your hands down, ya asshat!

Sure, Ellen can’t compare her to any contemporary artist, but why the hell is she giving some of the best critiques this evening? She’s almost having a moment. Which pisses Kara DioGuardi off because she is still so desperately — emphatically — trying to have one. Uh oh. Tears. Then…kissing ass to Simon? Crystal Bowersox is press savvy, ain’t she? Has Idol already stolen her soul?

And since this is the final critique I am ever going to give…That was outstanding.

So in the end, the judges threw Lee under that bus that still has Casey James bloody blond hairs caught in the tire treads. After all, it was a girl’s year.

Wait…we’re not done? Will Young? The original-original Idol singing live? To a Season 9 montage? Oh ANGELA MARTIN! COME BACK! Yeah. I bet Kara DioGuardi has done nothing to help you with recording that single now, has she?

Oh great Flying Spaghetti Monster, shoot me now.

So who’s gonna win? No one. We will find out everyone was really dead the entire time and this was some sort of limbo where they had to work out issues they had while they were alive. And Kara DioGuardi is that smoke monster or whatever the hell it was. I didn’t really watch that show.

Spread the word. Do it.

CONTESTANT’S CHOICE

Casey James
It’s ok (It’s alright with me)

Naturally, Casey James is going first because nary a producer or judge wants him to break up the pre-ordained Crystal-Lee finale. Casey chose this song because he loves it, and its similar to the kind of music he writes. Perhaps turning in several quality performances during his hometown visit has helped relaxed Casey. He’s happy. He’s comfortable. He sings it well. It’s lazy-day music. It doesn’t go anywhere, but it doesn’t seem to do anything but lounge in a porch swing. And sometimes, that’s okay. Not every song has to be about falsetto fellatio and climactic hoohahs. Sometimes simple works best. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sure, maybe he should have taken it up a notch, but perhaps he knows the deck is stacked against him and just wants to go out on his own terms. I’m not quite sure what else he could do at this point, since it’s already apparent how this is going to play out…

Randy says it was just alright — you know, like the song title — and he needed to be groundbreaking and original since this is such a big night. Everyone else agrees, of course. This was written beforehand. They have teleprompters. Now its just a matter of saying it emphatically.

It’s hard to pick a song nobody knows.

I really hate this condescending twat. Shit-For-Brains should just shut up. Casey just can’t ever get credit for doing something slightly different, can he? Whether its a slight rearrangement or a slightly unknown song, he is chastised for being unoriginal. No matter what the guy does, the bus is still gunning for him.

Crystal Bowersox
Come To My Window

One of her favorite singers, Melissa Etheridge is an excellent choice for Bowersox. She’s even got her bong mic stand out tonight. Starting off with a harmonica, the first lyric is a bit off and sadly, time restraints do nothing for the arrangement, as she is forced into the bridge almost right away. She sounds lovely in parts, but I kept waiting for it to go somewhere. Crystal has moments of vocal brilliance, but then some parts just fall flat. While the harmonica at the beginning was kind of a nice touch, it may have effected her performance. She always seemed as if she was racing towards the end, when she hopped on the harmonica once again. Except she got lost somewhere in between.

The judges praise her vocal, but say the performance did nothing for her. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, sadly, explains it best. (I HATE YOU WOMAN.) Simon says more than I’ve heard him say in weeks. The lukewarm reaction to Crystal’s performance is understandable — it was one of her weakest, most lifeless performances, which often happens when you’re finally able to take on a singer or song you’ve always admired and a lot is riding on it. It’s difficult to shake the feeling, however, that the judges are just saving up their praise for DeWheezy.

Lee DeWyze
Simple Man

The chosen one (sorry, dear Bowersox. They’re putting all their eggs in Lee’s basket now. Had you actually sat through one of these shit shows before, you would have learned how fickle those asshats can be.) is doing Lynard Skynard. Like Casey, the hometown visit seems to have done wonders for DeWheezy. Its a solid rendition, still doesn’t leave the bar at around midnight on a Saturday night and the last note sends his guttural goodness into the sewer.

But hey, its better to be playing to a packed bar at midnight on a Saturday than to an empty room with only a few remaining drunkards slurring their words at 2:30 am on a Wednesday night. So Lee DeWheezy, I give you props. Nicely played. Now go get me another rum & coke.

And cue the I could see you making an album like that. Oh. And the he’s in it to win it. At least with Ellen DeGeneres, you don’t know what animal or vegetable or mineral she will compare you to. Uber-twat Kara fawns over Lee, telling him he showed them everything he’s got. She says this with such a husky, emphatic urgency that makes me want to slap her. The bitch just tries too hard to make herself look relevant. It isn’t really fair, however, since her glowing assessment of Lee’s performance — you chose a song that had meaning for you, blah blah emphatic blah — is a bit of a slap in the face to Crystal and Casey, who both chose songs that meant something to them. By artists that meant something to them. And if you’re even just a solid, garden-variety bar singer, you likely know how to do Skynard pretty damn well at this point.

Commercial break…I have never seen a Shrek movie, but I am so going to McDonald’s to buy the glass on the far right. For obvious reasons. Obviously.

A picture says 1000 words… (or does the saying go a picture says 100x more than Randy Jackson’s vocabulary?)

JUDGE’S CHOICE

Casey James
Daughters

Randy and Kara spout some crap about how they think Casey should be like John Mayer. Yeah. This is a shitty ass song. Indulgent doesn’t even begin to describe this crap. It also makes the swaybots sway. Why don’t you just chop his head off? Killing someone is easier when you just do it quickly.

The song is loathsome, but Casey gives it his all, a little goat vibrato there, a little goat vibrato here. I like his voice. Shoot me. But know what I really like? I like it when Casey James plays guitar. This performance would be a lot better, if it wasn’t such a loathsome fucking song that frankly, gives me the creeps. It’s John Mayer, for chrissake.

The judges praise him this time around, well, not so much him as themselves, because it was they who chose the song. And Randy and Kara love talking about themselves and their sage wisdom. Simon takes them to task for their selection, just as he did last season when they gave Kris Allen that Ryan Tedder garbage. He complains there wasn’t enough of a climax and Kara starts emphatically talking about how it doesn’t need a climax because its all about emotion. Hey, I dig emotion. But I hate John Mayer. And Kara DioGuardi, the only thing I would hate more than being stuck in a room with you is being stuck in a room with you and Julia Roberts. Your rampant narcissism and commitment to being so damned emphatic about every damn thing you say makes me want to shank someone. Hell, you make me want to shank my couch.

Crystal Bowersox
Maybe I’m Amazed

Ellen selected Paul McCartney’s classic for Ms. Bowersox and its a much better choice than what those dingbats surrounding her chose for Casey James. Notice how the judges’ choice works? Randy & Kara get to choose for the person they want to go home immediately. Nice judge (aka Paula/Ellen) gets to choose for the contestant they want to be in the finals, but not win. And Simon gets to choose for the ordained winner.

Crystal sounds lovely, and Rickey Minor & Debra Byrd did not make her change the gender orientation of the song (maybe I’m a man / maybe you’re the only woman who could ever help me). Speaking of men, Crystal goes balls out on the vocals. Balls out. I picture a choir behind her, but Crystal doesn’t need a choir to make her sound better. She also did beautifully without her guitar. Gee, Randy. She must be in it to win it, right? Ellen, nice job on song selection. Kara, shut up about song rearrangement. You can’t even arrange your meds properly in that pillbox marked with the days of the week. Four words, bitch — OPEN TOES. (Funny, rearranging songs was never a make-it-or-break-it factor until David Cook, was it?)

Lee DeWyze
Hallelujah

Another song in desperate need of a mercy killing on American Idol, Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Naturally, Simon has chosen this for the erstwhile paint salesman from the Chicago burbs. Simon owns the rights to this song. You hear that sound? That’s another zero or two being added to one of Simon’s bank accounts. But Simon says he chose the song for Lee because he LIKES Lee AS A PERSON and how its never been done like how Lee is gonna do it on the Idol stage. (Yeah…slam Jason Castro why dontcha. He’s kind of the one who made it an Idol standard. And didn’t little Timmy Urban just sing this already this season?) He also says he’s basically handing Lee his moment on a silver platter.

A fraking backup singer choir? Are you kidding me? Oh. Did you hear how he ruined that first refrain with his last hallelujah? Why didn’t you put the backup singers in robes for chrissake? At least we know they were there to drown out DeWheezy’s patented off-key wheeziness, but hey, stick him in all white and call it a moment. The judges cream all over themselves. They also use this time to drive the point home how Lee is what this show is all about. How Lee was just a guy selling paint searching for his big break. How Lee laid down the gauntlet. How Lee has improved so much in this competition. Kara DioGuardi is out of control emphatically demanding HER moment — she really does become more insufferable every time she opens her mouth. Simon basically handed him the title. Randy and Ellen reiterated everything the somewhat more pertinent judges said. It’s manipulative. It’s predicable. It’s pathetic.

You know what? I’m gonna listen to it again. Perhaps I missed something while furiously typing away on my laptop. Perhaps it was sheer brilliance. Perhaps Lee DeWyze is one of the brightest undiscovered talents the world has ever known. (And hey, Lee does, at times, lead one to believe he may possess certain qualities most desirable American Idol winner — i.e., someone who might finally tell his batshit crazy fans to shut the frak up and leave him alone and…a guitar? Hmmm…it wasn’t bad. It was relatively in tune, but…I did not cream myself. So um…

Every moment of tonight’s show reiterated the fact that American Idol sucks. Sure, it’s always sucked donkey balls, but now it sucks rotten corpse maggot-infested donkey balls. What was the point in even allowing Casey James to sing tonight, or for that matter, even Crystal Bowersox? While part of me relishes the pimping of Lee DeWyze as Idol finally accepting a girl can never win this damn thing because women of a certain age are the only ones who vote hard and vote often, the other part of me feels bad for our beloved goat and Saint Bowersox. Because I’m the type who roots for the girls with guitars and all the undergoats in all the world.

But I’m still bored.

Spread the word. Do it.

I GOTTA LEAVE / get down girl / go head get down

It’s the episode you’ve all been waiting for! Season 9′s Top 4 contestants sing some mostly terrible songs from movies mostly released before DVDs ever existed. American Idol is analog, baby! If your playlists mirror your favorite easy listening station and your movies look best on VHS, this is THE place to be for Songs of the Cinema!

Ryan Seacrest says only one of the four remaining contestants will realize their dream of becoming the American Idol. Is this so, Ryan? Can you not read the misery tattooed on all their faces? The only one who really WANTS to be an American Idol is Michael Lynche. Its why he waves with both hands when walking out onto the stage. Waving to a throng of strangers with two hands is international sign language for I want to be the American Idol.

Jamie Foxx is here but I don’t know how much of a mentor he’s going to be, mainly because Harry Connick, Jr. killed it last week and they showed a clip of Foxx mentoring last year’s contestants. (Miss you, last season. Miss you. I still can’t believe I just wrote that.) Foxx’s idea of mentoring involves distributing t-shirts reading either contestant or artist contingent upon the strength of their rehearsals.

Lee DeWyze
Kiss From a Rose

While Lee DeWyze may win this entire thing, it does not discount the fact he should be taken outside and shot for choosing Seal’s Kiss from the Rose, once sang on the show by Greasy Constantine Maroulis. Seriously, dude. A tired love theme from 1995′s Batman Forever? Obviously Jamie Foxx just wants this season to be dead & buried, too, as he admittedly does a replay of his “yelling in his face” schtick originated for Danny Gokey all those moons ago. During DeWheezy’s rehearsal with Foxx, he is woefully out of tune.

And during his performance, he is unable to sing in tune. It’s just bad. Bad. And even though he has a guitar, he did not make it is own. It’s the same damn song. Once Lee gets into the bridge, he seems to jumping from key to key, but also at least a half-count ahead of the band.

You’re a rocker, chose some other kind of song. Choose Blaze of Glory by Bon Jovi.

Blaze of Glory. From 1991, was it? Oh Randy, just time to pack it in. But at least Randy and every other judge thinks he was complete shit. Ellen musters up some sort of complimentary phrase reassuring him just how great they [the judges] think he is. Shit-For-Brains’ mouth opens and words come out. Simon is the harshest, mainly because he he just really, really wants his time on the show to be a distant memory. He calls Lee karaoke and says he deserved the contestant t-shirt rather than the artist one bestowed upon the paint salesman.

Whoa. Hold up a minute. They still make an album of seasonal highlights from the Top 10. No way. Uh…why? I thought this was finally viewed as unnecessary, not only because they are never any good, but because of some multimillion dollar deal with iTunes?

Michael Lynche
Will You Be There

Big Mike is doing Michael Jackson, which might be a safe move, since people are still sad about Michael Jackson’s death. (Isn’t that what kept Paige Miles around at one point? How do I remember her name?) He’s singing a song about a whale. Big Mike prattles on and on to Ryan about how there’s so much pressure on him to make the Top 3, since he made that his goal last year and he wants to make his family and his city (St. Petersburg, FL) proud. Basically, Big Mike is gonna be ripshit if he doesn’t get a parade in his honor where he can wave at lots of people with both hands.

Jamie Foxx senses Big Mike needs to remember that he does, in fact, deserve to be there. Big Mike just needs to relax! Jamie suggest dancing and sparring. None of this works. Big Mike refuses to take the contestant t-shirt Jamie wishes to give him and says he will still kill it, despite the fact their run-through did not go very well. Jamie thinks Big Mike just needs to let go, which is the honest-to-goodness truth. But what are the chances Big Mike is actually gonna “let go” at this point in the game.

Big Mike appears on the stairs, trailed by a pack of backup singers-cum-wannabe-choir-singers. Naturally, he is wearing his wallet chain. It is as dull and lifeless and vocally perfunctory as everything else Big Mike has ever done. No matter how much he mugs for the camera or holds those runs, all of Big Mike’s performances are the same. Perfunctory.

Why can’t Kara DioGuardi get goosebumps while wearing long sleeves? The crowd barely illicits a response when she speaks. She tries so hard. Simon is clueless about the song and has no idea what Free Willy is. He says at least Big Mike’s heart was in it. Yeah, Simon, I don’t give a shit anymore either. I can’t even write anything halfway amusing tonight, the show is just that pathetic. I’m just wondering whether or not one would listen to I’ll Be There after Will You Be There, because it would sort of be like a Michael Jackson Q&A thingy, except he can’t be there anymore because he’s dead.

Lee DeWyze & Crystal Bowersox
Falling Slowly

Because no one is capable of being original this evening, Crystal and Lee have decided to make a duet out of the Oscar-winning Falling Slowly, which disappoints me because a) no one is capable of being original and / or was unable to get any decent song cleared and b) Kris Allen’s performance of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova’s insanely-beautiful love song is one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — and it is likely what catapulted him into the Top 2 over Danny Gokey. (Lest we also forget how I totally called it as the ideal song choice for Allen days before the show?)

Interestingly enough, Crystal’s presence keeps Lee a bit more on tune, but then he gets all shouty and Crystal’s lips are moving but I can barely hear her. Lee makes Crystal sound almost pedestrian on the few moments I can hear her, and the poor thing is trying to keep up during the crescendo, as Lee almost seems to shout louder and faster. All of it is quite disconcerting, but Crystal is quite nice on the chorus when her strong voice finally powers through. Lee has been described as having a “gravely” voice and at times it gives the hope of being somewhat interesting, yet it inevitably descends to that nameless bar’s backstage five minutes before the bartender turns up the lights for last call. He is not deft enough to capture the nuanced heartache so memorably conveyed by Hansard in the original, and comes nowhere near Allen’s moving rendition from last season. It’s difficult not to wonder what could have been if Bowersox had done it on her own.

Will the judges um, ever say HIS name? Not Randy. He creams himself over what could be a hit right now. (Scroll down to the end to see what Randy said about the same song last year.) Ellen calls them the new Captain and Tennille, because she is responsible for the quirky one-liners and quirky one-liners alone. Poor Ellen DeGeneres. She’s so much better than this crap. Shit-For-Brains says it was her favorite moment of the season and Simon calls it a great song. (BTW, no one mentions the guy who won last year, but did you really expect them to?)

Casey James
Mrs. Robinson

My second-favorite goat is even wearing a turquoise-ish leather jacket! In what should be viewed as the most strategically-brilliant song choice of the night, Our Beloved Goat sings a classic song about banging older chicks. (Anyone else hoping the cougar vote gets fiercely behind Casey this evening, just to spite the seemingly unstoppable shouty out-of-tune Lee DeWyze?) Casey’s tiny guitar version has a country slant and is a bit sleepy (and kind of reminds me of Jason Castro), but at least he attempted something new with it, which is more than I can say for anyone else I’ve seen this evening. It’s also kind of likable. The song makes me feel as if I’m lying lazily upon my family’s old pontoon boat as it passes through a no-wake zone in the Lake of the Ozarks and I have a piece of straw in my mouth or something. Now I’m wondering where I came up with such post-modern Mark Twain shit.

Of course, Casey’s song choice gives ample opportunity to bust out more KARA IS A COUGAR jokes, which she obviously was encouraging with this evening’s subdued blazer-and-white-button-down look with the hair pulled back. Kara is clearly dressed as a stripper dressing like a teacher for their center stage show at the Golden Banana. She totally got the idea from watching Varsity Blues. Naturally, Randy brings this up and eventually gets around to saying it was cool but didn’t do much for him. Ellen makes a joke about him needing a bigger guitar. Kara tells him he’s fighting to stay in the competition and blah blah blah and oh yeah, Mrs. Robinson is about HER. Once she tells Simon what the song and movie (THE GRADUATE , SIMON? Is movie illiteracy in your script this evening?) is about (groan) and another willy joke is thrown in (shoot me now), Simon then proceeds to tell Casey it was lazy and he needed to do more on a night such as tonight, but he sure as hell doesn’t understand many of tonight’s song choices. Yes, yes. Let’s throw our Goat Man under the bus. How is what he did…I mean…have you HEARD everyone else…? At least it was different.

Crystal Bowersox
I’m Alright

Definitely the most INTERESTING of tonight’s song selections, Crystal chooses the Caddyshack classic originally sung by the King of All Soundtracks Kenny Loggins. Crystal will obviously be the best this evening, as she is the strongest of anyone up there — and has been for weeks or months or something. But most of all, Crystal chose something FUN when everyone else has been beyond dull (Lee, Big Mike) or too subdued (Casey). She might not even need to bring a dancing gopher out on stage.

Crystal isn’t stupid, as she astutely notes Caddyshack is a really funny movie and no one is having fun tonight. I might have paraphrased, but that’s how it went down. As per usual, she’s gracious with this week’s mentor and they, in return adore her because she makes their job a bit easier.

Accompanied by a hand drummer, with two backup singers ALMOST ideally subdued far, far away (They got louder towards the end, damn them!) and her trusty bong mic stand, Crystal is like a perfect day on the country club golf course. But I hate golf so fuck it with the metaphor. Crystal’s arrangement is fun and a bit inventive, and its always refreshing to see her use an accompanying musician in a way that highlights their strengths rather than solely illuminating her vocal performance. She’s clearly a team player. The judges tell Crystal she’s a great artist, all that jazz. Yawn. Simon tells her she’s back in the game. Really, dude. When was she out of it?

I already have a photo of Crystal, so here is one of her men friends. Her boyfriend wears patriotic pants and dances like the Caddyshack gopher. This is good enough for me. And Crystal does a little gopher dance, too. This is also good enough for me.

(I hate Glee. I hate Glee and that beyond irritating Lea Michele idiot’s Restylyne lips. For chrissake, you’re playing a Tracy Flick wannabe high school student. Don’t jack up your lips with cosmetic injections. I hate Glee. Carry on.)

Casey James & Michael Lynche
Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?

This song sucked when Bryan Adams did it (in 1994…) and I still hated it when Matt Giraud performed it last season. Should a Bryan Adams song from a shit movie called Don Juan de Marco really even be considered in an (allegedly) illustrious Songs of the Cinema night anywhere? Ever? Me thinks not. But what are you gonna do? No one ever accused American Idol of having any taste.

Casey and Big Mike both have their guitars. Casey starts off with a big of goat vibrato and it almost seems a bit odd when Big Mike comes in, but he does a nice little job and I’m actually beginning to uh, dig their duet. I still don’t like the song, but Casey’s lead guitar work is solid. They even seem to be having a good time! I know Crystal now has some safe crush or something on Lee but whatever, this was pretty much a preferable duet for whatever reason. I have no clue. Maybe I’m just lulled into submission at this point of the show. Did you notice everyone had guitars tonight at one time or another? Or both? Or maybe I just feel like being nice because both of these dudes are being thrown from the bus and some audience member’s tard sign requesting a prom date is the funniest thing I’ve seen all night — until I see THE CREEPY MAN IN SUIT LICKING FINGERS.

Randy says he likes it, but basically says Casey’s guitar work is great and it was not good vocally until Big Mike came in all sexy.

As a matter of fact, yes I have loved a woman.

Ok, Ellen. That wasn’t judging. But that was funny. Everyone agrees with Simon in that the duets were better than the solo performances. Whatever. And Jamie Foxx, you were more fun last year, even if you amused me with your faux-enthusiasm with Seacrest announced Fantasia, Daughtry and Bon Jovi would be performing on tomorrow night’s results show.

Next time they ask you to mentor, Jamie Foxx, print up some t-shirts that read I suck. Because everything sucked. The end.

Just kidding. While I’m definitely no Kristard, I’m a fan of Kris Allen. And since everything tonight sucked, I felt the need to post something. (SUCK IT, RANDY JACKSON.)

Kris Allen – Falling Slowly (American Idol [HQ] en Yahoo! Video

Spread the word. Do it.

I need to meet this guy. I really, really do.
Gawker’s Richard Lawson wrote another funny recap of this week’s American Idol results show. I like Richard Lawson.

He should really be out promoting himself more.
Kris Allen went to Indianapolis as part of VH1′s Save the Music. He had his guitar. There were 1000 children. There are photos of Kris Allen with his guitar and Kris Allen surrounded by little children.

Does home schooling count as a tragic back story?
Little Aaron Kelly chatted with EW’s Jessica Shaw following his Wednesday night elimination. He was homeschooled. He thinks all of his fellow contestants are talented. Whatever. You cannot hate on this sweet little puppy dog of a boy, even if he sang played out songs.

You can also check out MJ’s writeup of yesterday afternoon’s press call with Aaron Kelly. (She’s also compiled several of his post-show interviews with local Fox affiliates.)

I want there to be a song about BBQ
Anoop Desai released his first album, All Is Fair. You can download it. I need to give it a spin, as I was always kind of rooting for Anoop on Idol. He’s educated. I like the educated contestants more than the non-educated ones. Because I am a snob.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat: It’s okay when it’s Kelly
Kelly Clarkson — aka American Idol’s gold standard — recorded a little ironic quasi-electro pop ditty (likely aimed at that douchebag Ryan Tedder) called Wash, Rinse, Repeat. It was leaked. And its kind of fun, but she sounds good singing anything. (Except Already Gone. Me no likey that song.)

You can’t get much more loathesome than these two.
Last night, Kara DioGuardi went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Kara DioGuardi. Jay Leno. I’d rather be dead. (And nice to see she’s already talking about who will make the final. But all the judges do that. Because they suck.)

Slezak. Siobhan. Siobhan. Slezak.
EW’s Michael Slezak sat down for a little Idolatry with Season 9′s sixth-place finisher, Siobhan Magnus.

Spread the word. Do it.

It’s also Cinco de Mayo. And 5 contestants remain. This better mean Kara DioGuardi attempts counting. Alas. There just has to be a group medley of Sinatra songs, but since Siobhan Mangus went home last week, it gives the remaining 4 guys to start things off with Lady is a Tramp to introduce Crystal, the contestant to which all group sing shit shows are centered upon. But since there are so few left, the others get to actually do a bit of soloing.

Everyone wore tuxedos, some with ties, some without. They were dressed for a football game with Tommy Wiseau. Big Mike wore another tiny hat. They came. They “sang.” The entire Rat Pack rolled over in their respective graves.

Next week, Jamie Foxx is returning as a mentor for Movie Theme Week. Tarantino wouldn’t have anything to do with this crop of kiddies, and Idol was able to get Harry this year, so Jamie Foxx gets bumped to Movie Song Week. Ooooh…isn’t it time for the contestants to sing TWO songs? Will they be performing duets again this season?

THE GREATEST IDOL FORD COMMERCIAL EVER MADE

Picture it: A Parisian cafe. A man (Lee DeWyze) spies a woman (Crystal Bowersox) as she examines her glove. Tres bien! The man almost trips over a large black man wearing a beret (They edited out the Kangol logo) making googly eyes at his two tiny dogs (what, no poodles?). A teenager-in-scarf (Aaron Kelly) rides by on a bike, nearly knocking out the man-in-love. After his near-collision with the teenager, our hero then almost collides with the waiter (Casey James) as he carries a tray of three cappuccinos, which must all be for the woman, as she is the only one sitting in the cafe. She stands as the man finally approaches her, or perhaps she just wants her three frothy beverages. They look longingly at each other once more before the man walks over. Oh burn. He walks right past her. The man was just staring at his lime green Ford Fiesta this entire time. He wipes a smudge from the Fiesta logo on the rear, tells it he will made mad passionate love to it when he arrives back at his arondissement, as our heroine looks sad. But the waiter is still there, and he did not spill those three cappuccinos the woman ordered. And he smiles her. The man drives off in his little green car. The bow-tied waiter and the woman begin to talk about life, liberty and equality. The effervescent large black man who is not Andre Leon Talley strolls off with his two pugs. The teenager riding his bike to ecole was hit by the man driving the little green car and died at the scene.

Ok. I totally made the very last part up. However, this minute-long, existential gem shot on a deserted sound stage gem aptly explained the dynamics of the final 5 contestants like nothing we’ve ever seen. The lovely heroine waiting at the cafe for her prince/record contract. The confident hero. The inconsequential happy-go-lucky large black man. The inconsequential teenager just making his way through it all on his bike. And then the waiter. The mere waiter who gets the girl, but is not the hero because he is a lowly cafe waiter with a Metro pass and does not drive off in the car. This explains everything.

More filler ensues, namely just another excuse to play The Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling. What the Idols did pre-Idol is compared with what they are doing now. It’s fairly lame, except frauen are now squeeing after seeing Lee DeWheezy roll out of bed to the sound of his alarm clock. I’m just THRILLED we are shown my old buddies — the judges’ rehearsal stand-ins. OH FAKE RANDY I LOVE YOU. FAKE KARA YOU ARE THE BEST. I MISS YOU ALL.

Obviously, Fake Randy is beloved by all because we are allowed to see him speak. Seacrest even tells Randy to watch his back. Uh, yeah. Because Fake Randy is so much better than REAL RANDY. This is the obvious precursor to Seacrest quizzing the contestants on whatever the hell is is Seacrest talks about. He lingers on Big Mike the longest, leading me to STILL attest it is Lynche who is going home tonight.

Lee DeWheezy goes first. He talks about getting criticized on the show, which is amusing, because it is difficult to recall a time when he was criticized. Naturally, he kind of looks like he’s kind of going to vomit. Simon blows sunshine up his ass and tells him he could win the entire thing, because frankly, the once-beloved Bowersox is too good and too smart to play their reindeer games. The powers that be now believe she is the Harrison Bergeron of American Idol.

Lady Gaga is performing Alejandro in a big black lace veil surrounded by black flowers. Naturally, she leads in with a little piano-fied Bad Romance. Lady Gaga just pocketed $250.000 for putting on some of her Saturday afternoon casual wear and bringing some of her favorite gays to the stage. Somewhere Madonna is crying and 1000 Glamberts are unable to recognize the difference between Lady Gaga’s downtown performance art meets un-ironic camp meets raw natural talent meets costuming that could poke an eye out and their lord & savior, Adam Lambert.

I fraking love this song. Please don’t judge me. I also love that a winged statue of Jesus is shooting fire. The entire Jesus contraption reminds me of this Venus rain lamp which hung in my grandmother’s living room. It fascinated me as a young child, as I could not understand why someone would deliberately hang such a thing in their home.

The next bit of filler is beautiful, as we delve deeper into Harry Connick, Jr.’s time with the contestants. Can we just have Harry be the judge and host of this whole damn thing? Maybe have Debbie the Stage Manager and Fake Randy come out and play a bit, but seriously, if we just let Harry handle this crapfest, it could become a beautiful, beautiful thing. Harry talks on the phone to the exquisite Bybee James! He tells her that her son thought he was Chris Isaak. He says he is dressed like a…

HALF-GOAT. I have no words. This is the most beautiful piece of American Idol filler ever created. This just needs to be the entire show.

The word pitchy does not exist, judges. We need to stop saying that…He’s [Casey] singing out of tune. That’s how we say it. I gotta bone to pick with these judges about that stuff.

He then proceeds to call Big Mike what I think was a fucking asshole. It was bleeped out. I just want to watch Harry Connick, Jr. do this all night. I actually just want to transcribe this entire bit because its beautiful. Its smart. Its sarcastic. Its honest. Its sweet. Its funny. Harry skewers everyone involved with the show and still manages to come off as a charming & sincere rube. I think I am falling in love.

The whole I got a baby thing. Just drop it. Big Mike, drop it for real.

Harry Connick, Jr., you make me want to hump your leg. For the first time all season, American Idol was GOOD. Because you were doing most of the talking. And you were the best fraking mentor that’s ever been on this shit show. I just feel bad you had to coach such a mediocre group, because now I can’t stop picturing you asking Matt Giraud about his mole or telling Adam Lambert to take it down an octave or 10. I’m imagining you telling David Cook’s to wipe away his smug grin. I picture you making a clad-in-yellow Brooke White burst into tears and I picture you pissed off, smoking from Jason Castro’s one-hitter as he eats a burrito over your piano.

Ok. I’ll stop now. Harry just performed And I Love Her. He was perfect. You could also see the disgust in his eyes as the swaybots did their thing. Following his performance, and after a comical dig at Ellen DeGeneres, he introduces the contestants as they perform a few of HIS songs. Holy shit, Idol. You’re forcing us to endure another GROUP SING. And I don’t even care. Because this is the greatest episode of the entire season. Who the hell cares who goes home? Harry Connick, Jr. called Casey a half-goat and told Big Mike (and Crystal, by way of editing) to can it with the baby shit.

Speaking of our beloved Idol goat, Casey James ain’t sounding too bad tonight. Neither did DeWheezy. But these are vocal tracks. Still doesn’t stop Tiny Hat Man! Big Mike solos as if he just drank a GNC protein shake full of whey and melissma. Following the performance, Seacrest has Harry tell his story about when he met Frank Sinatra. He even slips in a joke about spousal abuse. The crowd laughs nervously. Oh stop being so damn politically correct. Basically, Harry performed for Sinatra but Sinatra wasn’t really in the mood for it. When they met after his self-described dismal showing, Old Blue Eyes simply told Jill Goodacre that she was beautiful, kissed her on the lips and walked away.

This is the only evening in the history of this shit show where all I want is more filler. More Harry Connick, Jr. More Gaga. I don’t care who goes home. I just want Harry to talk about goats and how the judges don’t know shit. I just want him to make fun of the contestants more and teach them real things about composition and bad notes, you know, those things that might be helpful if they ever have actual careers in music. And I just know If we keep Harry around just a little longer, he will tell Kara DioGuardi to go to hell, I know it!

Finally down to business. Crystal on one side. Big Mike and Aaron on the other. Casey gets sent to Crystal’s side. Seacrest pulls the whole if you had to choose bit with Lee. He just hates his life right now and wants to throw up. He shoots daggers at Seacrest, shakes his head and simply says No. Surprisingly, Seacrest doesn’t push it. He saw the look of hatred in DeWheezy’s eyes. Seacrest is afraid. It is time to look at the teleprompter once more.

CRYSTAL AND GOATY JAMES ARE SAFE!!! The Bottom 2 are Big Mike and Little Aaron! TOLD YOU SO.

Awwww…and Little Aaron is sent home. Not before Big Mike whispers a few words of encouragement in his ears. Hey, I know a lot of people hated Aaron, but he’s a sweet little boy. I couldn’t even hate on the kid. I hate on almost everybody. Did you ever think this kid would make it to #5? Hell no. I think he’s even pretty happy with his Idol journey. Sure, he looks a little sad now, but he knew he wasn’t gonna win the whole damn thing. For a tiny 17-year-old from nowhere Pennsylvania, he’s a pretty grounded kid. Now he can go back to high school and work on photography, his other great love. And maybe fly on more airplanes. Maybe he’ll get a little country album deal out of the whole damn thing. I just can’t hate on Little Aaron. Sorry. Can’t do it.

But most importantly…

Casey is safe. Go buy a t-shirt. (And then thank Goatlove himself for setting up the little shop. Because Goatlove is an actual person. And then thank Unravel101 for hooking me up with this nifty little design.)

Oh, and Harry Connick, Jr. I miss you already. How about you talk to your agent and see if he can get you a multiepisode arc in Season 4 of Mad Men. Its filming right now. You. Don Draper. Wearing suits and appropriately-sized hats for your handsome appropriately-sized heads. Make it happen, Harry, make it happen.

Spread the word. Do it.