Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

Spread the word. Do it.

At this point everyone had forgotten about Neda, an innocent girl whose death during a protest in Iran was watched by millions. They also forget about Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, who also died. And David Carradine, who had died a week before in Thailand, although there probably was no Lady Boy involved, it was still a bit… Somewhere along this crazy timeline of events, I gave a drunken monologue in a French restaurant while wearing heals, had to see a one-woman show about Judy Garland with my Gaysian (Pearl Cream), smoked a bunch of cigarettes and even went to one of those cute little cupcake bakeries. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was becoming the poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw 10 years too late.

Anyway, I digress. If the last week has proven one thing its that humans, just like Idol contestants and Fox programming execs, hate saying goodbye. So hey, why not re-air this year’s Top 13 episode showcasing the songs of Michael Jackson? Call it a tribute while making a few extra bucks. And what perfect timing? That little tour they do every summer where batshit crazy women enduring menopausal hot flashes give these young male karaoke singers homemade shirts, puffy-painted Bibles and stuffed bears is kicking off on Saturday.

I was really hoping for a bit of new content in tonight’s rerun. If VH1 and NBC can get some specials together, the least Idol can do is put Seacrest’s narration about Jackson in past tense. But I try not to expect much out of certain things, especially Idol, and right now I’m just really hoping they don’t cut La Princesa del Mariachi’s adorable comment about not being a cutter after her awesomely sick & fabulous rendition of Give In To Me.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Lil Rounds, your family was so adorable yet you were always so damn boring. You would think all that tornado shit would make you more interesting. Anyway, this was before they started outfitting Lil with proper wigs and / or extensions. Personally, over the last several days, I was reminded time and time again how The Way You Make Me Feel is just an all-around incredible pop song. In so many ways, it IS a perfect pop song.

Sadly, it is not so when Lil Rounds does it, even if you take away the distraction of the angelic chiffon eunuch top (Hey…wouldn’t an angel with one wing be a eunuch of sorts?), it still is soooooo karaoke. I mean, I can’t sing for shit, but when I do karaoke, you get a show. What I lack in vocal prowess I make up for with exceptional performance skills.

Wow, this was kind of worse than I remember. Perhaps because it was the first all-finalist episode of the season and I first watched it so long ago and am now sitting here knowing how it all went down, or maybe because I’ve heard The Way You Make Me Feel about 20x over the past 5 days.

Oh Jesus Christ. I just realized I had completely forgotten about the shrill horror known as Kara DioGuardi. Like, I just blocked her out of my memory and then I hear her voice, and it just all comes back…Studio 57…the piss-poor counting skills…the who are you as an artist? questions…ugh…going to pour myself a Captain & Diet Pepsi.

I have no idea what these judges are hearing. Perhaps once I get more intimate with my Captain, I will maybe understand their ludicriousness, but that might take a lot of booze and I have to work tomorrow.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Oh, Blind Guy, if it weren’t for the fact you had to sing a lot, I would adore you. You’re super-educated and some sort of genius, plus, you displayed throughout your Idol run a very twisted sense of humor. Oh. And props for not telling people about that kidney transplant.

Even though Jacko croaked, I still have not heard Keep The Faith. Ooooh. I totally forgot about Blind Guy walking around aimlessly on stage, which is adorable because its Blind Guy, and he never gave a rat’s ass.

Blah blah blah, Shit-For-Brains what I love about you is your message needs to just go somewhere very far away. Like Hades. Speaking of Hades, its kind of hot here and I think the ice in my Jesus Juice is melting too fast…does this mean I need to drink it faster?

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Ah yes, how could I forget about that lovely Simon quote?

Ryan takes us to another break and says the pressure is on for Danny and Michael. I literally scrunched up my face in confusion and mouthed, Michael? Who? Oh yeah. Michael Sarver. Roughneck dude who was good for Armageddon quotes but that’s about it because he’s a sanctimonious Jesus freak who might harbor a deep amount of homophobia.

Ah, now I’ve seen the only piece of new content, a bump saying In Memory of Michael Jackson. And then I have to see Gokey dancing around a bunch of his relatives. (For some reason, I think tonight’s rerun may bomb ratings-wise, but that’s just something which occurred to me that I felt like typing.)

Danny Gokey
PYT

Was it really smart to re-air this In Memory of Michael Jackson when its just kind of uh, bastardizing his memory even more so? The man hasn’t even been given a funeral yet and they’re already re-playing bastardized versions of his songs on national TV.

With badly-dancing bastards, no less.

Ha. Paula. You’re not a psychic! (Or everyone decided they hated Gokey and didn’t want him in the finals. Yeah…I think that’s what happened, right?)

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I think you’re on your way to the finals.

Yummm…Jesus Juice! Randy says something about wanting to see all those surprising new things Gokey has to offer every week and I almost choke on my Jesus Juice. But I quickly recover, in fact, I am forced to take a huge gulp when Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi starts yapping.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I didn’t mind this guy at first because he just seemed like your average aw-shucks guy from Texas who works on an oil rig. Although I don’t know many of those so I’m probably just going by what I have seen in movies. And since it was obvious he wasn’t going to go much past ninth or tenth place, there really wasn’t much reason to think about him. Sadly, now when I look at him, I just think douchebag. And his mouth is absolutely huge. He must have like 38 teeth or something.

Again, Fox, how is this an appropriate tribute to Michael Jackson? Everyone has SUCKED. I don’t even know if Joe Jackson would sign these asshats to his record label. Shit-For-Brains, SHUT UP. You are driving me to drink.

(And all this Idol-ness is making me slack on my online-monitoring of WSOP Events #51 and #54. But I invite all of you to see what’s up, because in my “real-life”, I am super-proud of this project.)

Holy shit! Cylon Pageant Barbie Kid! I totally forgot about her!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

Jasmine’s mom totally wears a weave. Just saying. Now this kid doesn’t have a terrible voice, she’s just as boring as the plant I’m staring at right now. I just want her to go on and do better things with her life. Face it, she can get a nice college scholarship, probably entry into a top-notch grad school…she doesn’t need to be a karaoke singer. Like, Malnourished Casper Twat, who we will see later on this evening, she probably just would have ended up a tuneful lot lizard if it weren’t for Idol. Now she still could, of course, but it at least opens up some classier seedy local opportunities for the pale young woman.

A little bit robotic at times.

Duh. She’s Pageant Cylon Barbie.

YAY! YAY! YAY! The two most awesome Idol contestants of the season are up next!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! Either my mood has perked up or I’m just starting to really enjoy my Jesus Juice. Or maybe its the fact that I’m writing an Idol recap…hmmm…really, I just don’t have the energy to take a good long look inward this evening.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

OMG. I had no idea M.R.S. Allen SPOKE. I totally do not remember her speaking. Oh, Hot By Default. I think you totally had me with do you remember. I think Idolator’s recap got me to start thinking about one thing, though, that he was a bit smiley for a brake-up / broken heart song, but then I saw the video this weekend and well, I guess I always thought this was kind of an upbeat song.  I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics when it came out because I uh, never liked the song.

But I gotta say something here. How was it not obvious this guy was going to go really far, even after this performance? There as seriously a time when Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey were seen as more marketable and more talented than this dude? Kara actually says the only useful thing of the season when she points out how HBD helped a lot of the other contestants out that week, and then Paula throws in how no one knows Michael [Jackson's] catalog better than any of the others. Which just reiterates the fact this kid was really the only true musician on the show this season. This guy knows music. He might not have had the power vocals, but he knows music.

Whatevia. I liked Hot By Default and I still do. Just like I adored La Princesa del Mariachi! And she sings next!! And she’s singing the best Michael Jackson song EVER!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

I love the fact La Princesa sang at a Hispanic furniture superstore. Hello? SHE RULES.

Ah…ok…going to sit back with my Jesus Juice and enjoy this awesomeness.

Ok. I had to pause halfway through to write down how sick & talented La Princesa is. Seriously. Did you listen to her? And this song? I am so doing this song the next time I go to that dodgy Asian karaoke place where they let you sneak in booze and small dogs.

I actually hope Fox / Apple decide to try and make more cash off this stupid In Memory Of… rerun by opening up sales to these songs on iTunes again. Because I WANT TO DOWNLOAD THIS SONG. (And if they don’t…if any of you have it, please send it to me. I don’t download Idol songs very often, but I think this one is a must-have.)

YES YES YES!!! They totally kept the it’s not like I’m cutting myself remark in there. I knew then and there La Princesa had stolen a teeny part of my jaded little heart.

Oh Shit-For-Brains shut up. You’re making me go back to the kitchen…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Awww…I love Anoop’s parents. Love them. I want them to invite me for dinner.

Now I can see some of the complaints about this song, and hell, should anyone even try and attempt Beat It? Seriously. BUT COME ON. How was this better than Gokey’s PYT? And maybe the “tough-guy looks” combined with the turned-up collar was a bit to much at the end but come on! It was better than Gokey. And plus we like Anoop. He is educated.

If this was karaoke, than so was Gokey. And Lil Rounds. End of story.

Jorge Nunez
Never Say Goodbye

Oh, poor Jorge. Such a sweet guy. I hope he is doing well, but we all know “ethnic” males can’t do shit on Idol.

And hell, actually, I think I only heard this song this weekend when combing through Michael Jackson songs on iTunes. Still felt bad this kid was thrown under the bus by getting stuck with this mediocre ballad. And yeah, it’s really not that good…but hey, it’s still not his fault entirely…I hope Jorge does okay. Plus, J. Lo and her Skeletor man-slave liked him, so perhaps they could take his phone calls or something.

Jorge or no Jorge. This was just a piss-poor MJ song from the get-go.

The judges kill Jorge. End game. Now onto Tattooed Mormon Joy and Lambert. (And I’ve got a full glass of Jesus Juice.)

Megan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Awww, I love Megan. And she’s soooo beautiful. And awesome. And hello? This was when she CAWED!!! Sadly, I really think Megan’s “MILF/GILF” can’t be anymore than 10-12 years older than me. Which is kind of scary. I don’t care what anyone says — I still think you give this girl a little vocal training and she will be out of control. Plus, she kind of represents the types you “expect” to make it to Idol…you know, the ones who have some sort of natural talent but have never had the platform to “shine”. Not people with failed recording contracts in their recent past.

Sorry, I still think this is fun. And Megan Joy is FUN. And she CAWS!!! SHE CAWS!! That was one of the best things I have ever witnessed on Idol.

Oh Shit-For-Brains, shut the hell up. You are making me drink. As is Paula’s outfit, which truly is amazing. Especially with the way she has accessorized it with those delicious not-even-semi-precious gems from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.

It’s also strange watching this show now that I’ve uh, been there? Jesus. That seems like forever ago. I went to an AI Rehearsal…what the frak has become of my life???

Adam Lambert
Black or White

Ok. Let me state again that I love Lambert’s father. Love his dry sense of humor.

The thing with Lambert / Screech McQueen, we really didn’t see the evolution of an artist or say, improvement. Lambert pretty much set the bar and stayed there. I don’t know if he can do much more than what he’s done, you know? Maybe his team of crackjack producers can take him to soaring new heights, but who knows. Hell, his legions of batshit crazy fans could ruin him because they seem to be moving beyond Claymate proportions at this point. I don’t think I could handle being stuck in a room with any of them. At least the Kradam fans seem a bit more sane, despite all their insistances of siamese gifts for 2 and talk about cuddling.

(Is this almost over yet?)

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

I’m just happy I got to see Quatto The Mole again. I guess his performance was good. All that matter was that Quatto was there.

But once Shit-For-Brains started having her at-table Molegasm, I started reaching for my Jesus Juice.

And I am now wondering why I am forcing myself to sit through this a second time when techically, I really don’t have to, do I? No.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh Jesus. I can’t stand this white trash twat. Yes, yes. I know that’s harsh, but she’s just ridiculous. And a hypocrite, too! Here she is crying about her kid and her fiancee in Iraq when we all know she did a little somethin’-somethin’ with Matt Giraud. Why do I hate Alexis Grace? Because she’s pale and malnourished and oh-so eager to “dirty herself up”? Sure, why not. But mainly because you look at her and just sense the desperation in every move and every glance. This girl would sell a kidney if it meant a record deal. It’s all so, insincere. Like, I have a feeling she sings Reba McEntire’s Fancy to herself in the mirror each and every day because she considers it HER theme.

I remember being pissed she got the pimp spot when I watched the original broadcast, but now it’s just funny. Especially because her ass was booted doing Jolene the following week.

Ok…sorry…I’m back. Live feed of WSOP Event #51 infinitely more exciting than Casper, mmmm-kay???

The only notable thing I can remark about Casper’s performance of this song is that its autobiographable. No wonder she infused it with so much passion. SHE IS DIRTY DIANA, er ALEXIS. But it’s all about a girl who will do whatever she can for singing stardom…like that whole casting room couch stuff you’ve heard about…

Anyway, loved that she got the pimp spot and thought she was all that. And loved that she got booted next week.

Christ.

You’re a naughty girl…and I liked it.

Ugh. That just goes places I did not want to think about. But I do think Simon was right on about saying it wasn’t nearly as good as she thought it was.

Wait??? WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS???? WHERE DO I VOTE????

Jesus Christ. Why did I watch this again?

Now someone send me the mp3 of Allison’s Give In To Me. I will sing karaoke songs about you.

Spread the word. Do it.

And we’ve got to trudge through over two hours of America’s greatest shit show. Are you ready? I am. But as I said last night, I really don’t care who wins because I don’t think either of them care. And I like it. So tonight? Well, tonight’s just gonna be a night when two nice guys do good for themselves.

There were almost 100 million votes or something. And then Ryan Seacrest pays tribute to the four who have professionally guided the contestants this season.

Professionally guided? Are you kidding, dawg? Are you kidding me?

Okay, whew. Seacrest was totally kidding about that professional guidence shit, and clever editing proves Randy Jackson’s vocabulary is as limited as Shit For Brains DioGuardi’s songwriting abilities. (That’s right, sweetie.)

Now let’s watch Paula’s vocal prowess. I wish I could explain what I find so appealing about Paula Abdul, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that it’s not Idol if there is no Paula.

And once again, Simon is wearing a collared shirt. This one is for my mom, who thinks Simon Cowell is hot. Granted, she only knows how to get to my blog if I send her the link, despite my repeated attempts to teach her the concept of bookmarking.

Don’t you hate it when they stick the contestants in all white? I know I do. But let’s check out their families, where I once again wonder how HBD arrived on this planet with dark brown hair, as everyone in his immediate family seems to have been Children of the Corn. (And it looks like the St. Louis Lambert fantards are back in the house. I bet they love that they have to fly back home into Lambert International Airport. Holla.)

Seriously, why are these poor bastards wearing angelic white? Couldn’t they have lied and said they were on their period or something to try and get out of it? Okay…I guess that wouldn’t have been very believable.

They sent Mikalah Gordon to Conway, Arkansas. Remember Mikalah? I would have sworn she would be doing porn by now but it looks like she’s still shilling for Idol. As per usual, the kiddies are stuck in the front because hey, we don’t want anyone to think its middle-aged women voting for Idol contestants now, do we?

And they sent Carly Smithson down the 405 (oh, the 405, I feel like I intimately know the 405 now. And the 110. And I think there was a 105, too. Oh, LA. I do kind of miss your tacky bizarro world charm.). Smithson might not make it out of there alive, as she is in clear danger of being suffocated by posterboard.

(And Someone was holding up a 3-D sign asking Adam, Can I Be Your Eve?)

Wow. Ok. Let’s get on with this shit show. Isn’t it time for a horrible group sing? Of course it is!

Top 13
So What

And everyone is in white. And everyone looks like a douchebag. And I really hope Casper gets her period on national TV because she’s wearing all white and I hate Casper.

WHY OH WHY DOES QUATTO THE MOLE KEEP HIDING FROM ME???

They even gave Jasmine Murray a solo, but most of the solo camera shots were on Lambert. But I’m glad we got to see a little of Jorge Nunez, whose natural enthusiasm and effervensence always makes me smile.

I guess there was a commercial or something, but now David Cook is there. And people are swaying. Cook is singing Permanent, which I believe is dedicated to his brother who recently died after a 10-year battle with brain cancer. All proceeds from downloading the song will be donated to ABC2, a cancer charity.

There is something I like about David Cook. I can’t help it. Whatevia. Poor guy has some of the most batshit crazy fans, but hey, I give him credit for trying to ellude them and their stalker tactics. I have hope for him, although I wonder if the black armband is a bit over-the-top? Well. I’m gonna cut him some slack since his brother just died. And frankly, I’ve just always kind of been rooting for David Cook to make it.

GOLDEN IDOL AWARDS?

Outstanding Male
Will Kunick
Michael Gurr (I remember him! He needed to eat the banana, right? There was some guy who needed to eat a banana.)
Elijah Scarlett
Dean-Anthony Bradford
Normund Gentle

Ok. This is sad. I think I remembered all of them. Wait. Except this Dean-Anthony person. And I totally would have remembered that one. I have never seen him before. Oh wait…carpet matches the drapes…this does ring a bell.

HOWEVER, we all know there is only ONE TRUE OUTSTANDING MALE. And that is the one, the only Normund fraking Gentle.

Why oh why did he not make it to the Top 13???

(And I assume Twatiana del Toro will be receiving the Outstanding Female award, right?)

I love you, Normund. I will love you forever and I’m telling you I’m not going. YES! YES! YES!

And this is just one reason why Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell will go down as one of the greatest contestants in the history of this shit show.

I want that perch. That is power.

Sorry, Seacrest. You just can’t pull off the Greatness of Gentle.

And now onto someone awesome singing with someone mediocre…

Cue The Rain
Lil Rounds & Queen Latifah

I’m sorry. Lil Rounds may be a perfectly nice chick with an adorable family, but come on? Making QUEEN LATIFAH take the stage with her? Are you serious? Yeah, I guess you are. Since I’m watching it.

Here is irrefutable proof: Queen Latifah is such a goddess, she can pull off intense spandex with nary a camel toe. You, Lil Rounds, cannot.

Maybe its more that I’m paying attention to her exquisite talent that a camel toe is meaningless. Because if you’re gonna sport camel toe, you better have the vocal chops to distract from the camel toe. And that’s a lesson we all can live by, so remember it. But its doesn’t take camel toe to prove how superior Queen Latifah is to Ms. Rounds, as she basically wipes the stage with her not-so-Lil ass as fast as you can say Easy, Breezy, Cover Girl.

(Ok. I can sooo not wait for Terminator: Salvation. That might be #1 on my to-do list for the next 48 hours.)

I’m Yours
Casper, Anoop & Jason Mraz…and the rest of the contestants

Nooooo. I can’t take this Jason Mraz song any more. Poor Anoop. Hell, poor Jason Mraz, poor guys are forced to share the stage with Casper Twat, who manages to dirty herself up more every time I see her, hell, I swear those poor dudes…and wait! The rest of them are there now, too! They’re all gonna catch Casper VD, which is why I suspect Quatto has been undercover lately. Poor Quatto has been using every antibiotic ointment possible but he still can’t get rid of that awful itch.

Now let’s take a walk down memory lane with Hot By Default. Although I’m kind of excited to see his audition…but I don’t think we’re gonna get to? Have we ever seen his audition?

Yes! M.R.S. Allen is rubbing her hands together with glee, as she may be envisioning her future in Hollywood. Yes, sweetie, a girl can dream, but honey, I just don’t think you have what it takes. But I wish you the best of luck. Of course, couldn’t you have gotten a good spray tan at some point?

Kiss A Girl
Kris Allen & Keith Urban

I still don’t understand this pairing, except for the fact they both play guitar, are slender white dudes and both have wives with minimal facial movement. I think Idol is trying to angle poor HBD as a country singer, since you know, he’s from Arkansas and Sarver was never gonna get very far. Oh, Idol, and you claim to know the artist HBD will be, yet…I suspect you have alterior motives. Because Urban isn’t country-country. He’s from Australia! And gets Adult Contemporary airtime! Sneaky, Idol, very sneaky.

Jesus Christ, I hate this stupid Fergie song.

Glamorous / Blanket Song
Female Idol Contestants & Fergie…eventually with The Black Eyed Peas

Hey, Casper. You will NEVER be as hot as Megan Joy so just give it up and go back to your trailer. And I know that thing you’re wearing in your hair was removed from the grill of your pickup so don’t even play.

OH NO! No Fergie is singing that god-awful song about the blanket and crying and I just hope she doesn’t piss on herself. Granted, Fergie looks better as a brunette. The rest of the Black-Eyed Peas are allowed to come on stage. Well, thank flying spaghetti monster. Of course, I was really hoping they would sing Let’s Get Retarded as a dedication to Shit For Brains DioGuardi.

I think there was some sort of technical malfunction, or something was censored (Did Fergie pee?) which just prolonged the boredom and I am so wondering how Fergie got to be as popular as she is, did she blow some important industry types during her Kids Incorporated days? I’m CLUELESS. Because this chick just…she can’t dance, she sings songs about blankets and she pissed on herself in public. Yet, here I sit in my apartment. I’ve pulled all those antics and then some and not one goddamn city will give me a key.

More Golden Idols

Best Attitude

Bikini Butterface (Roadwhore)
Alexis Cohen (The chick who gives the finger. I liked her.)
Tiffany Shedd (Roadwhore)

I’m assuming this goes to Bikini Butterface…who will wear a bikini…BIG SURPRISE. Seriously? (Simon mouths out wow to Randy.) Must we encourage this Butterface and her delusions of grandeur?

Because she had to maul Seacrest. Just put her on Sunset Tan, Seacrest. She would fit right in.

I was gonna ask you what’s new but now I know.

And that might have been one of the more amusing things Seacrest has ever said. How sweet. Her faux-Idol fame (Andy Warhol never accounted for reality TV in his prediction, because losers like this don’t get 15 minutes of fame, they get 5 if they’re lucky. And I think she’s at 4:59 right now.)

Why the hell are these people letting her sing? Ugh. And the bitch looks more worn than before. Then OMG! Shit For Brains comes out on stage, looking as if she just did the walk of shame again.

This is fabulous. Two twats humiliating themselves on national TV. Oh Shit For Brains, you just NEVER learn. You wrote a shit coronation song EVERYONE loathes and THEN you go in full-cougar mode on stage and strip down to your own bikini.

Wow. That was just…that was amazing. Kara Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you never cease to amaze me. If humiliating oneself can be classified as artistry, you’re fraking Michaelangelo. (Charity my ass. You just wanted to show everyone hat you looked like in a bikini.)

Even David Cook and his buddies wonder what they just watched! This will probably be the only nice thing I ever say about Bikini Butterface or Shit For Brains, but I certainly hope they’ve seen bodies that good since being on tour, because I’ve seen photos of the ones who’ve let it all hang out at their shows.

Let’s wash that taste out of mouths with a little talent now, shall we?

Time After Time
Allison Iraheta & Cyndi Lauper

This is totally sweet. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper. And its a duet which works, even though La Princesa is so very young, she still exhibits a, dare I say, star quality that goes beyond experience. Lil Rounds may be several years older, but watching her with Queen Latifah just proved how Lil her “star quality” is. Watching La Princesa with Lauper, well, it just works.

And now we get to talk to HBD’s parents. I’m not sure about Momma Allen’s dress, well, on her, but…I just love his parents. They’re just too damn cute. And where or where did the wife go? I can understand if no one wants to hear her speak, I mean, can she?

And now we have Lambert’s adorable parents, but just as we’re settling down for a lovely little chat, it’s cut devestatingly short!

NOOOOOOO

Hello / Lionel Richie Medley
Danny Gokey & Lionel Richie

WHY OH WHY are you letting Gokey duet with Richie when it should only be sung by Richie and / or David Cook in any Idol format. And I’m sorry, but you cannot karaoke it without a goddamn sculpted Richie head. It just doesn’t work that way.

And Richie isn’t even singing Hello! Blasphemy! And I don’t even know what this song is, which makes me feel kind of bad. Oh well. I know what will make me feel better. Blind people sculpting shit makes me feel better.

As does the greatest video ever made…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74

Now they’re singing All Night Long. I know that one. But can someone please bring out a sculpted head? You know Blind Guy sculpts shit because he’s a fraking genius with a bunch of degrees and interests. Sadly, I do not get the sculpted head I always wanted (Hell, I might take a sculpted head over a key to the city at this point) and the song ends with a trademark Gokey WHOO.

We are now watching Adam Lambert’s Idol journey. I’m kind of pissed we were short-changed on the convo with his parents. His mom has some serious style, plus, his dad just has the driest sense of humor, but nooooo. We had to go hear Gokey do Hello without the benefit of a sculpted head.

Beth? / Detroit Rock City / I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night
Adam Lambert & Kiss

And such nice quiet vocals from Lambert singing to someone named Beth. He’s wearing something last seen on Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but I guess that’s ok when you’re on stage with Kiss.

While Kiss does look a bit ridiculous wearing all that makeup while this month’s issue of the AARP lies waiting in each of their mailboxes, they do, somehow pull it off. And for chrissake, they’ve held up a lot better than those corpses drug out for the Disco Week Results Show a month ago, right?

Black Magic Woman
Matt Giraud & Santana

While I can’t deny Santana is a mad guitarist, dude totally sold out singing shit with Rob Thomas. But tonight, he is singing with Matt Giraud (Quatto The Mole sings silently underneath the hat, desperately trying to keep from scratching himself silly over whatever it was he caught from that quickie with Casper in The Olive Garden bathroom. Manga bene!)

Oh shit. I think Quatto The Mole has heard me talking about him and got all sad and jealous or something because now my DVR is frozen in the same spot! Nooooo! Whew. Crisis adverted.

But as soon as the crisis ends, the dreadful Smooth starts up and Idol contestants are EVERYWHERE. Again, it is Lambert’s show, but wait! Jorge Nunez gets the spotlight for a moment! Go Jorge!

Yay! Charming-yet-goofy singing faces from HBD.

But when they start harmonizing, well, that just ain’t harmony I hear. That’s shit. And Casper continues to wear less clothing! Does she think if she dirties herself up even more, she’s gonna get back into the competition or something? Or at least allowed onto the tour? Its incredible! I think she was jealous of the Bikini Butterface and Shit For Brains humiliating themlselves. But Heather Locklear is in the audience and is like whatevia, I can kick your ass ya little blond twit.

FORD COMMERCIAL HELL

This is the equivilent of a sitcom clip show. Screech and HBD just sing against a backdrop of this season’s previous commercials.

And now, David Cook is going to give HBD and Screech their new Fords, which is fine with me, because now we don’t have to see the big presentation on the Idol stage. And hell, the whole “winning of the Fords” thing is soooo anti-climactic at this point now.

MOST RANDOM IDOL PAIRING / TRIO EVER

Megan Joy…Michael Sarver…and Steve Martin on banjo

Now I’ve seen Martin play banjo before, but this is just bizarro. And hey, I do love me some Steve Martin. And I love me some Megan Joy. But this shit is weird. It’s like An Idol Prarie Home Companion or some such nonsense. Naturally, Megan Joy looks beautiful, and I can’t wait until she gets even more formal vocal training and cuts a killer album. Trust me on this one. IT WILL HAPPEN.

OH FRAKING NO WAY

Ok. I gotta admit. I love this song. And I LOVE the “video”.

Do You Think I’m Sexy / Maggie Mae
Male Idol Contestants & Rod Stewart

This is ridiculous. I just…I just…well, I’m still pissed Giraud won’t lose the goddamn hat. It’s Quatto The Mole’s big night, too!

You can always count on Rod Stewart for memorable wardrobe choices. He can pull shit off Randy Jackson only DREAMS of doing. And hell, he’s Rod Stewart, which means he doesn’t even have to sing with any of them.

The Final Golden Idol Award of the Evening

Outstanding Female (as if we don’t already know)

Chelsea Marquadt
Irene Angrelova
Dana Moreno
Tatiana Nicole del Toro (I’m sorry. I will always hate Twatiana, even if I can appreciate the comedic value in her existence.)

Gee…I wonder, maybe since Paula announced it on HSN last night, it’s just even LESS surprising.

Ruben Studdard wonders what the hell is going on…

While Twatiana sings her signature Whitney shit and gets “taken off the stage”. Lame. But I still the think the twit could have work a dress that fit properly…and wasn’t in a wintery shade.

Wow. It’s almost over. And one of those poor guys is gonna have to sing that god-awful song again, er, I mean, one of these lucky bastards will be the NEW AMERICAN IDOL.

But first…a duet! (I was hoping for Paint It Black, but…)

We Are The Champions
Adam Lambert & Kris Allen…with what is left of Queen

More dry ice! A big black choir! Fallen Idol contestants kept at bay on the steps above (watch out for that Casper, she still thinks she might win the whole damn thing by a write-in vote).

And Gokey, are you watching? This is how you’re supposed to sing a duet. Holy shit. I just realized I was sitting here with an honest-to-goodness smile on my face.

I’m still smiling, even though I had to see Casper again, and Paula and Shit For Brains feign friendliness, almost messing up such a lovely vision of Adam Lambert, Brian May and Kris Allen in smoke-filled bliss.

Simon Cowell’s last words:

I thought you were both brilliant, unusually incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future is all yours.

And here is the envelope, but I totally don’t think Lambert or HBD care, even though there was a world record or something with nearly 100 million votes cast.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. (Yeah. I said fuck this time. I bypassed frak because of the magnitude.) See, somehow, somehow…I JUST KNEW.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

Right now, a bunch of Lambert tards are probably whipping up batches of Flavor Aid in their Guyana of their feeble little minds.

It feels good man, but…Adam deserves this. I’m sorry! I don’t even know what to feel right now.

HBD can’t believe it! Neither can the judges! Neither can his family! Except, M.R.S. Katy Allen, I think. I see visions of fame dancing in her eyes, don’t you? I bet she once whispered in his ear during a church retreat back when they were fifteen, I’ve just always wanted a boy who could get me out of little old Arkansas.

Megan! Stop hugging Casper! You’re gonna catch something! (Notice how while all the other contestants are staring at Kris, Casper is staring at the camera.)

The judges, well…Simon isn’t very good at hiding his disbelief or disappointment, now is he?

Poor HBD. Now he has to sing that shitateous song. And he’s sooo not grinning because he won, that’s the smile of a guy who can’t believe he actually has to utter such drivel about hurricanes and mountains in front of a packed out and millions of at-home viewers.

In the four seasons I’ve watched American Idol, there has never been a finale where I thought both the contestants deserved to be there. So tonight, well, I kind of enjoyed it, and never have I ever seen such a charming what-am-I-doing here acceptance “speech” as that of Hot By Default’s.

Do I think a bunch of Christian zealots voted in droves to ensure HBD would triumph over Lambert once Gokey was out? Not really. I think it may have had a bit more to do with the constant pimping of Adam Lambert, which, as in last year’s finale, probably drove a lot of people away from David Archuleta as well. The world is full of sheeple, but sometimes, even sheeple don’t want to take their orders from talking heads. (So VFTW! Yay! Victory is also yours!)

So you know what? I stand by what I said last night. Both of these guys won. Conway and California. Guy-Next-Door and Guyliner. Believer and Fudgepacker. They’re both gonna make records. They’ve both received a brand new Ford hybrid. And they’ve both gotten themselves a cadre of batshit crazy fans who will follow them to the edge of the earth and back again.

So quit your bitching. They’re both winners.

But good job, Sheeple. Not only did you get the Final Two right, but you made it a somewhat memorable Idol finale for even this black-hearted hater.

Spread the word. Do it.

But you’re supposed to draw those parallels, right?

The dude is gay. What the hell does it matter?

But Camryn Manheim is there! And wow, the Nokia is soooo much bigger than CBS Studios. I think. But those cameras can play tricks on you.

Kayne vs. California? The Guy Next Door vs. The Guyliner? Oh for chrissake.

And Randy, even when wearing a suit & tie, still looks like he let the kid sitting next to him on the short bus dress him again. But that makes PERFECT sense, as Shit For Brains rides it with him to work every week.

Carly Smithson is in the audience. And a bunch of other people who used to be on the show, people like Casey Carlson, who for some reason, I still get hits for with people searching for her, which I can only attribute to her being really cute with a nice rack.

Okay. Let’s get God vs. Gay going. Of course, this is the revised, fuzzy-wuzzy, nail-polished version of God vs. Gay and hear about the remaining two contestants as children. Apparently, Lambert screamed a lot as a child.

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This just reminded me: Mad World used to be my ring tone. But it was an analog/digitized version which was just kind of amusing. Not that any of you give a shit about what I used to have as my ringtone, I just thought I would throw that in there.

Lambert is cloaked in black, standing in billowing smoke and Jesus-ordained flamboyance. I always prefer his performances where the screeching is kept to a minimum. More Lambert, less Screech McQueen. I could live without much of his cabaret eyefucking, but this performance was quite pleasing, as there was uh, zero screeching.

Why the frak is Randy talking about his long coat? Uh oh. Shit For Brains is talking and she claims Lambert changed the game up for every other contestant when he sang Mad World because of his artistry, blah blah blah. Shut the frak –

HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS!!! HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS AND YOUNGER ASIAN WIFE!!!

Good to see Sir Hopkins is aging gracefully, although he reminds me less of Hannibal Lecter and more of Aphasia-riddled Col. Ludlow from Legends of the Fall. (Terrible, terrible movie. Only notable for the amazing line: Helena was a bustling metropolis.)

And while we talk about Lambert’s long journey, we get to see all the fallen contestants in the audience. Looks like Anoop is sitting next to Megan Joy, which will further rumors about him making her caw all night long. We even get to see a tiny Jorge Nunez looking happy. He seemed like a sweet kid, however, I’m just pissed off Giraud is wearing another goddamn hat. QUATTO THE MOLE wants to see the show, dammit. Let Quatto watch the show.

And of course, Gokey looks like…Gokey.

Simon calls Lambert overtheatrical, which reminds me of when he criticized David Cook last year. He likes to work angles, meanwhile, Randy tries to look cool but sputtering the word Twilight about three times.

(I refuse to watch or read Twilight. I want to drive a stake through Twilight‘s stupid Hot Topic-shade-of-black heart.)

Hot By Default’s parents further endear themselves to the American public (but am I the only one who adores Papa Lambert’s incredibly dry sense of humor?) when his Mom shows an adorable coupon her dear Kristopher gave her a few years ago.

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

I think this performance was when I decided Hot By Default was going to make a serious dent in the competition. I don’t care what incredible vocal acrobatics Lambert displays on a weekly basis, no one has come close (with the exception of La Princesa del Mariachi) to expressing genuine, heartfelt emotion on the Idol stage. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a “lyrics” girl, but the most important thing to me is seeing someone make something believable. And I believe Hot By Default nearly every time he’s performing, whereas Lambert, he simply performs.

Well, that totally made sense in my mind, but you can call bullshit if you’d like. But first, let’s check out the Lady Allen this week. Oh Hot By Default, I know you are super-happily married, but please-oh-please go drink a lot of booze and screw a lot of women now that you’re famous. I only want what’s best for you.

Simon looks smug! What is this all about? Alas, Randy begins. He likes that HBD grabbed the microphone? He also says its one of his best performances. Shit For Brains cuts him (and the applause) off so she can say she agrees with him. Meanwhile, Katy Allen diligently, as if she were a seal digesting a small fish. (Of course, I have no idea what I would do sitting in the Idol audience there for someone I knew, or was dating, or was married, to…so clapping is probably a really good idea.)

Ok, ok. I’ll stop dogging on M.R.S. Allen…for now. Let’s look at HBD soak up Useless Dawg’s pre-programmed critique. He knows he just has to smile during Useless Dawg and Shit For Brains’ critique because they mean nothing to…anyone.

Paula, meanwhile, is totally busting out the Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight, showcasing it with satin pajamas from the Peter Pan Collection.

Ooooh, Simon eats his words. He talks all his uncertainty about HBD’s name being called last week BACK. Yeah, frak you, GOKEY. Jesus loves Kris Allen more! He even gives Round 1 to HBD (of course, he did do this with Archuleta last year, so…) and we see more shots of HBD’s family, making me wonder if he had ever met a female with non-flaxen hair before American Idol.

Adam Lambert
A Change is Gonna Come

I was rather surprised this song was selected, if only because Coretta Scott Mercado gave such an unmemorable rendition last season, but hey, I am all for erasing all memory of Coretta Scott Mercado, granted I don’t really remember a single one of her performances.

I actually like Lambert doing the blues thing, and I guess I’ll live with his screech since he spared us with tonight’s Mad World. Like I always say, I don’t dislike Adam Lambert at all. The guy has mad talent, its just that, he doesn’t really surprise me at this point. Now if he were to come out in drag, well, that would be awesome. On so many levels.

I kind of groan with the over-the-top emoting before he finishes with My Change is Gonna Come. Yeah. He did great, but why pick that song for the gay guy? He’s gay. He’s not a leper.

Shit For Brains says its his best performance and his best emotional correction. She also uses all these weirdo hand movements which make me think she is having a seizure.

Paula says its his best performance ever and says he will be iconic. Yeah, he was good. I just thought it was a tad much choosing a song written during the civil rights movement for the (basically) open gay guy.

People can’t class things up for the finale shows, btw. They still have to bring homemade signs. This one obviously took a lot of work, and while it disgusts me on so many levels, it is giving a shoutout to my native land. Holla.

PRAISE XENU!!! PRAISE XENU!!!

Wow. Look at the death in Joey Potter’s eyes! And Suribot wants to run far away. Katiebot is covering her tiny robot’s ears because they’re both wondering if Daddy hit that shit.

Oh come on now. Adam Lambert wouldn’t screw a talentless midget closet case! Never!

Kris Allen
What’s Goin’ On?

HBD now busts out the guitar, which is good, because they can’t use instruments on that stupid final song Shit For Brains wrote. Ah, I get it. Fuller chose a song about love conquering hate when piting the Nice Christian Dude vs. the Gay Guy. Because this is American Idol! And American Idol must be a reflection of society and hot button issues.

That was a solid performance, but I would have liked for them to have picked a different song. Randy thinks it was too light.

I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you.

Oh, Shit For Brains. Oh, Randy. So the song Adam just did wasn’t socially conscious? Are we just totally ignoring that fact now? I mean, I’m super smart, but any idiot can see the obvious reasons these songs were selected. It’s basic, tenth-grade English symbolism ya dumb twat.

I just really hate listening to her talk, don’t you? Paula thought he tore it up. Simon thought it was as if he was strumming along with a few buddies in his bedroom. CUE SEACREST HOMO JAB.

Hi former contestants. Is it wrong for me to totally hope Anoop is nailing Tattooed Mormon Joy? His grin kind of says, yeah, I’m tapping that ass. Meanwhile, Casper gives a pathetic pose, Blind Guy isn’t looking at the camera and Jorge Nunez just looks so happy to be there. Whatever. I’m a total sap, and Jorge Nunez’s unadulated joy at even being in the Top 13 always makes me smile. (And of course, La Princesa just looks cool. Because she is La Princesa!)

Adam Lambert
No Boundaries

Of course this is a song about hope and making it through hurricanes and stuff. Because this is the stuff Idol songs are made of. To his credit, Adam Lambert does his best with complete shit. He makes it almost listenable, but I do think this may be the weakest I’ve ever heard his voice on the show. There are a couple of iffy parts in the chorus…I don’t know…I will cut him some slack though, because its another tired song about climbing every mountain.

Granted, sometimes, when I am somewhere random and it comes on the radio or something, I do kind of not totally despise Cook’s Time of My Life. Even though the magical rainbows part always makes me wonder how he could even get through the lyric. But those are Idol coronation songs. And the crux of these truly magical songs are tasting every moment and climbing every mountain. Whatevia. I want to taste every moment while I’m climbing every mountain. And after I’m done tasting every moment on every damn mountain, I want a key to the city, bitch.

Randy says it was just all right. He even evokes the word PITCHY. Shit For Brains uses the performance to pimp herself and her co-writers. Lambert proves he does have acting chops by thanking her for the song and saying its beautiful.

Paula creams herself. It’s times like these when I know Randy is just trying to break through his pre-programmed, micro-chipped vocabular and utter an original thought, because he was right on. Simon tells Adam he’s awesome, but still manages to call Shit For Brains out for what she is and blasts the song as being utter crap.

Now these people, well, they totally half-assed their fantard signs. COME ON. Black Sharpie is all you people got? You are not real fans. Get out.

Kris Allen
No Boundaries

Ok. Let’s see what he does with it. Let’s see how he connects emotionally to standard Idol drivel. I do think, like Lambert’s, his voice is probably a bit tired at this point.

All I know is that I am just so thankful I’m listening to HBD sing this right now and not Danny Gokey. He did a very servicable job with a shit song. What were his other options?

Randy kind of tells HBD he’s lost, aka he should be proud of what he’s done in the competition. Kara thinks the song was too high for him. Hmmm…what, did you write this song specifically for a Gokey-Lambert finale? She thinks people should vote on the season, but I’m hoping she is also admitting to herself that she completely sucks and has zero artistry. (Hey, a gal can hope can’t she?)

I’m kind of calling bullshit right now because they’re uh…well, it’s not surprising, but I feel like they’re using their last opportunity to throw this guy under the bus. I mean, they tried all season long but there he stands, and even though all Idol coronation songs are a bunch of “inspirational” tripe, I just can’t help but think that shit was written with the expectation Gokey would be standing up there next to Lambert. From the title to the lyrics, that shit was totally penned for a Lambert-Gokey showdown.

At least Simon reitterates the fact he deserves being in the finale, I’ll give him that.

HBD is totally hoarse.

Me and Adam, we said we weren’t competing. We’re just coming out to give a good show tonight. Hopefully, we did that.

And in an instant, my icy black heart melts. And perhaps this warm & fuzzy feeling will only last a few moments, but it does kind of prove to me that sometimes, good might prevail over evil. People might get what they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, when you give sheeple the power to choose, they may just do the right thing.

Fox did get their God vs. Gay finale, however, it kind of bit them in the ass. Because maybe, just maybe, people really don’t care if you’re a Believer or a Fudgepacker. Maybe they just kind of want to see a couple of good people up there with good talent and good hearts.

As per usual, I don’t care who wins Idol. But I kind of think both these guys won. And we know they’re both driving home a new Ford, just as much as we know they’re both gonna be stalked from here to eternity by batshit crazy lunatics.

But at least I can say, with 100% conviction, I’m hoping they make it. Because they’re just a couple of good guys and hey, who doesn’t like to see the good guys win every now and again.

Spread the word. Do it.

Of course, while the show was rather dull, there was still the expected terror brought about by the group sing and a laughable Ford commercial. And obviously, we were also lucky enough to witness the stunning defeat of Malnourished Casper Twat!

Yay! If there was any truth in that story about the Final Four being pre-chosen, then I’m glad it came out. ESPECIALLY if Casper was the sacrificial lamb. Now I don’t have to see her again, until she becomes the next female Idol contestant with blond and / or “funky” hair to take up residence in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

Usually, I feel a bit sorry for the kiddies when their time is up, even after making fun of them for their entire duration on the show. Other times, I do not. I cry out good riddance! Get off my TV you conceited nitwit!

And that’s how I feel about Casper. Casper was a legend in her own mind. And I must admit, I am full of glee with the fact this idiot not only blew it so early in the game because of her over-confidence and shitty personality, but because she DID NOT EVEN MAKE THE TOUR! Yay! Buh-bye, Casper, buh-bye. Go back to your trailer park. Like most trailer parks, I’m sure it needs a bit more dirtying up.

Unfortunately, on the group sing, they stuck Blind Guy on the piano. Alas. Doesn’t the guy have more dance training than the rest of these yahoos? Of course, as with every group sing, unintentional hilarity abounds.

The girls serenade the judges while Randy takes it in with moronic glee.

Let’s see a few shots of the goddess known as Tattooed Mormon Joy (Hey, it’s just easier this way because she is likely to change her name again next week.) Matt Girard is in these, too. But he’s not as awesome as Tattooed Mormon Joy. Don’t forget to check out Sarver in the background. PRICELESS!

Oh Jesus. These two. Speaking of Jesus, did he drive Gokey to the studio tonight?

I love Alison Iraheta. I love Anoop Desai. And when I see them like this, more than anything I want to sing drunken karaoke with them. Seriously. How fun would drunken karaoke be with La Princesa del Mariachi and ANOOP??

So they put some people in the Bottom 3, starting with Alison and Michael Sarver. Then some other people were safe and I began rubbing my hands in glee knowing Casper would be joining them in Idol Hell.

Of course, since Ryan knows who is going home beforehand (or who will have to sing for their life), I wonder if he was trying to send a signal early on. Like when he was introducing the Ford commercial.

Of course, he could just really like the color pink. Or pink sacs…Or pink teabags…Or all of the above…But I want to believe he was just trying to let us know Casper would not be haunting the Idol stage for much longer.

And then the Ford commercial started. I took this photo last night. I got a huge kick out of watching Blind Guy chase the car, obviously, as this was the only thing I could fully type while the keyboard moved around in front of me.

And this just cracked my ass up for some reason. I mean look at it. It’s like Sesame Street or something. And it made me giggle.

Ok. So back to the show. Yes, yes. Casper was sent packing. Let’s laugh at her misery.

What’s even better is that she really thought the judges were going to save her. Simon taunted her. I was scared for a second, but come on. Saving her would screw up the Tour since that’s Top 10. So they would have to eliminate 2 people next week and it would be all sad and shit, since all the kiddies would have spent yet another week bonding in the grandiose Idol Manse.

Now it was kind of fun to see the Goodbye Dinner. Yeah, because I’m a sappy chump sometimes. And Jorge and Jasmine were so sweet. I hope they have good lives. Jorge would have lasted longer had he not been thrown under the bus by the songlist bullshit and if the all-mighty Frauen could like someone with more pigment in their skin than David Cook. Of course, this also means we’re gonna have to see Casper for a few moments next week, but its the small price to pay for a spring of prime time TV without her annoying ass polluting my living room every week.

Yes. Casper. I will laugh at your misery one more time. I apologize, but I just didn’t like you very much. And ha ha ha. Your Megan Joy Voodoo Doll? DID NOT WORK!!! So get out of our faces, Casper. Go to Nashville and buy some new boobs. They will look awesome with your trailer.

Spread the word. Do it.

Oh, Idol. I didn’t even discover Kelly Clarkson until 2005, but she is still the best thing to ever come out of this shit show.

Kara DioGuardi looks like a cougar at a funeral. The one who gets tipsy at the post-burial gathering and hits on your cousin Ted by cornering him in the hallway, breathlessly telling him I’m so soorrrryyy for your loss while steadying herself against the dead family matron’s favorite Thomas Kinkade.

Is the bitch shilling for Cache now? Or is she just pillaging Joan Collins’ garbage?

Alas. Joan Collins rules. And Kara, you are no Joan Collins.

Ryan talks about the OMG NEW RULE. The Judges’ Save. They can jump in and save a contestant who is unfairly eliminated, and no one will go home that week. But on the following week, two will be eliminated. Yawn. Already read about this today.

We get to see the contestants move into some super big mansion, so it confuses me that they’re forced to share rooms in a place with this much square footage. Granted, a lot of that was taken up by a couple of pools, a bowling alley, small stage and some jacuzzi tubs.

If this show wanted to actually be entertaining, they should really copy the UK’s Big Brother, utilizing the Fox Reality Channel after this shitfest airs, since no one ever actually watches that shit. That way, we can watch the contestants at night and see their true colors emerge under the reassuring glow of infrared lighting late at night. America will finally see what a twat Alexis Grace happens to be and maybe be can be treated to some Realist vs. Fundie battles, a la America’s Next Top Model.

I might actually watch that shit.

And tonight’s torture begins…with a medley of Jackson 5 hits!

Oh Idol, you are too, too cruel. 

Poor Man’s Timberlake and Jorge bust out some Jackson-esque dance moves to kick off the cacophony, handing it off to judges’ pets My-Ass-is-Not-Lil Rounds and Malnourished Casper Twat. Then Sarver and Gokey get into the groove. How much do you want to bet they pray immediately before they take the stage?

Baby Jesus, this song is for YOU!

Gokey keeps trying to dance. The choreography is miserable, however, this is a constant of Idol Group Sings. I also want to hit myself for wondering why the cameraman didn’t zoom in on Scott MacIntyre during the lyric: Oh, darlin, I was blind to let you go.

Come on. You know you thought about it, too.

Another Wednesday, Another Nightmare

As the ambitious young Idols transition into ABC, I realize how awesome it would be to watch a Katie Holmes vs. Jasmine Murray Robot Showdown. I’m not sure what they would do exactly, besides be robotic. But it could be really funny. Every time I see either of them, I long for the warm, loving arms and wise, knowing eyes of a Centurion. 

Hell, Cylon Centurions had their inhibitors removed, giving them the power of reason. Which gives them the leg up on Jasmine Murray and Katie Holmes.

I really with the Centurions would storm in and attack the Idol stage right now because TBTB decided it was a really awesome idea to give Gokey a full-on dance solo.

No. Stop. Please. Stop.

Ok. Now they finally show three people I like…

I like all of you.

…Before moving on to the dumb bitch who makes the residents of your nearest trailer park look like old money bluebloods.

I do not like you.

The “hidden audition” nestled in the first round of umpteen commercial breaks was awww, Nathaniel Marshall. I hope he’s doing well. 

Ryan recaps last night’s shit show. I’m just hoping Jorge and Alison get to stay, despite DialIdol’s predictions. I’m trying to stay positive, however, since they have proclaimed ANOOP safe.

Oh who cares. Get this shit show going. I just want to see Scott MacIntyre driving in a Ford in the first of many horrendous Ford commercials and obviously, what exquisite jewelry Paula is wearing from the Paula Abdul Collection.

Idol contestants superimposed on buildings while forcing Freddie Mercury to turn over in his grave…Adam Lambert’s head on a car…way too much Malnourished Casper Twat…

Giving head on Idol

Michael Sarver is safe…yawn…although this does mean I get a couple more Armageddon quotes in this season…

Uh, Noonan’s got two women friends that he’d like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that’s gonna work, but, uh, let’s see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week’s Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s Palace. Um – hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? 

La Princesa del Mariachi is safe! Yay! I love Alison Iraheta.

Please oh please oh please say Jasmine Murray is in the Bottom 3…YES YES YES!!!!

Poor Man’s Timberlake is safe…

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy and Tattooed Mormon Joy are forced to stand up…our poor, sweet caw-ing beauty is in the bottom 2 with Miss Teen America Robot…and…

YAY! Tattooed Mormon Joy is allowed to stay and caw another week! Whoo hoo! (See, you guys really need to listen to Chris Kirkham and Greg the Rabbit!) Miss Teen America Robot is sent back to the Basestar…but she is forced to sing once more so the judges can decide whether or not they want to save her. Oh, come on. Like they’re gonna waste their one save on the first one to go. Paula will tell her she looks beautiful. Then they will say, bye bye, Miss Teen America Robot, go back to your Basestar. 

Back to your Basestar

Oh, I was wrong. They let Randy do all the talking. Because Randy is black and so is Jasmine. My heartstrings almost get slightly pulled when Miss Teen America Robot starts crying and Seacrest tries consoling her, because frankly, I think its the most emotions I’ve ever seen either of them display. I’m waiting for wires to start popping out, repeated, monotone cries of does not compute, does not compute.

Yeah. Jasmine was a waste of that Wild Card slot. Told you. Now go give Ju’not Joyner a call to fill your quota. That dude deserved it. He took a cortisone shot in the ass for you, Idol! Oh, and I’m glad Jesse Langseth got sent back to Minnesota so you could have OMG SHE IS SO COMMERCIAL Miss Teen America Robot in the competition.

Whatevia. She’s gone. Moving on…I can’t really feel bad because she deserved to go home and I just want the kid to go to college and do good for herself. See? I’m totally caring!

I’m kind of surprised Kanye West is slumming it on Idol. I do love this song. The guy may be a pompous prick but he’s an innovative musical genius when it comes down to it. He’s doing okay, phoning it in, I guess. But that’s kind of better than 99% of everything on this crapfest.

I swear, idiot teenagers will scream over anyone or anything. It seems they’ve been allowed at the judges’ table because the judges are nowhere to be found (i.e., Simon needs a Marlboro Light and Paula needs to chase down a valium with the Popov Vodka she stole from Debbie the Stage Manager or Kieran the Light Guy, and this shit is taped beforehand).

I must say, I am enjoying how Kanye taunts and teases the teenagers without letting them touch him. Yeah, you best not be touching Kanye. 

I almost make faded denim look cool

Commercial break…

Scott MacIntyre is safe. (Please let him dance with his walking stick or drive next week. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

Obviously, yet unfortunately, Malnourished Casper Twat is safe. (And I realize the “Bottom 2″ will be Jorge and Anoop. Ugh. I hate you America.)

Gokey is safe. Duh.

Anoop, Adam, Jorge and Lil are left. Seacrest, of course, sends Anoop to the middle. Poor Jorge is toast. Puerto Rico should have voted harder.

Obviously, Adam Lambert is safe. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

Whatever, poor Jorge still confirmed everything we knew about Idol’s shitty song lists tactics. Awww…poor Jorge knows he’s going home. Damn you, Idol. Oh, and I see you’re totally singling out the tannest dudes in the bunch. Was that intentional? Or did you just want to make us believe people listened to your bullshit critique of Anoop?

Anoop will reign supreme! At least for a few more weeks. I’m just pissed I’m gonna have to hear that god-awful Farmbot Underwood song for a SECOND time tonight.

RETURN OF THE ONLY TRUE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Kelly’s outfit kind of sucks but I still love her. Seacrest admits to singing along to My Life Will Suck Without You…which leads into the evening’s requisite homo banter between Simon and Seacrest.

I am so much better than all of you

I totally love Kelly Clarkson and I totally downloaded her album yesterday. Her music speaks to me. Especially after a few drinks. It took me awhile to deal with this, in all actuality, but I eventually accepted the fact I couldn’t hold it against her she was on this shit show and that the majority of her songs are actually good. Four years later, I have completely come to terms with my love for Kelly Clarkson and will readily admit it. Plus, its a lot of fun to sing Kelly Clarkson karaoke with my buddy KB, who also readily admits to peeing in the shower.

Although I am totally wondering if she is getting fed her lyrics? Oh come on. Like she wouldn’t know them by now…However, check out the teleprompter(?) in this scene:

I don't need the teleprompter.

I am totally loving Kara DioGuardi watch Kelly up there on stage. Jealous bitch in her Joan Collins hand-me-downs. Yeah, it wasn’t you. You didn’t become a singing superstar. Get over yourself.

Simon gives a rare standing ovation, but he’s always been Clarkson’s biggest fan.

Now back to the two tan dudes being persecuted on Idol. Predictably, Anoop is safe. And I kind of want to cry for Jorge. Poor Jorge. Stuck with a shit song he never even wanted to sing. I would have liked to have seen him stick around a little while longer. And now he has to pack all of his things and leave the grandiose mansion

Jorge, you were totally screwed.

Sad, too. You know he was probably a super nice guy who even offered to show Malnourished Casper Twat all the amazing benefits of a little sunlight. And she was probably a total stuck-up snot to him. Then she ran off to the Jacuzzi to bathe in blood, as she does every evening.

Paula, dressed in her bordello finest and donning her best Paula Abdul Collection jewelry outstretches her arms for a final time, just as any good cougar would do when a young, nubile ballader is about to leave her embrace.

Please buy my jewelry

Paula and Kara should really think about starting up a Cougar Cruise, kind of like what Rosie O’Donnell did, but more like taking a ship full of cougars to the world’s most stunning ports of female sex tourism.

Come on, you know you love Paula. Who doesn’t love Paula?

But I kind of want to cry a few little tears right now. America, you are sooo racist.  

And Idol, you so screwed that poor kid with your shitty song list. I am so sending my army of Cenurions after your ass.

And then I’m gonna send Harry Stamper in. And he’s gonna drill. And he’s the bravest man you never met. 

Spread the word. Do it.

Why do they let Randy talk? Oh jesus, does this man lie. He thinks this is the first time “any one of the Top 13 could win the whole thing.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yeah. Jasmine Murray could win this entire thing. Yeahhhhhhh.

Lucid Paula has been surprisingly good with her criticism, but hey, I’ve always thought Paula gave more pertinent advice than Randy. In any case, I’ve been feeling quite nostalgic for the days of Percocet Paula and am hoping her dress is a sign of things to come because basically, you would have to be taking some good pills to publicly don an ensemble clearly inspired by a bird strangling itself in gilded ivy.

So does this mean Alexis Grace is in the pimp spot? Gag me. And Simon breaks the news that TWO people are going home tomorrow. Uh, yeah. I think I read that like, last week.

Let’s watch people screaming for Michael Jackson without mentioning the whole kid touching thing.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Do you think Lil Rounds chats about BBQ with Anoop? If my last name was Rounds and I had three kids, you should know I would not have passed up a chance to name one Ground. And yes, she is singing The Way You Make Me Feel. Her outfit makes me feel yucky. Sweetie. Why did you cut up a Mandrell Sister hand-me-down and pair it with high-waisted pants when your have a generously-sized ass?

Drink every time Randy says, you know what’s great about you? I don’t really know what he was talking about when he said she put a brand-new spin on it. It sounded like the original, except Lil Rounds was singing it. Don’t get me wrong, I think she has a fairly decent voice, but I also think she’s been a bit overhyped. Her performance was fine, but I’ll forget about it in about 10 minutes.

Glam squad, way to go?? Oh yeah. Coming from the chick wearing a bird strangled in gilded ivy. This should be enough for Lil to know she lose that look. Simon, naturally, is completely right on and also says she looks like shit.

But I’m buoyed by the hope Paula’s ridiculous comments indicate she’s at least drunk, so this night could very well improve.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep the Faith

My friend Rachel has already text me to say he kind of sucks, but I can’t hate on the blind guy. Although he is singing a song I don’t know and the word faith is part of the title, I still don’t want to hate on the blind guy. But I pretty much hate this song and am inclined to agree with Rachel a bit. I’m also starting to wonder the reasons why Scott adores wearing military-esque jackets. Interesting. Yeah, I can’t hate on the blind guy. The dude danced with a walking stick, for chrissake.

Simon hated the song. Because no one knows it. SNAP.

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Yup. Simon pretty much just summed up this entire show in eight words. Brilliant.

Rachel points out that it looks as if Paula is wearing Liberace’s dog tag. YES! YES! YES! Who doesn’t love the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection

Danny Gokey
P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

Oh phooey. We only got to see Gokey’s family tonight! Damn. Bet they’re saving Pastor Rolex for next week. Wow. Now I am also a bit disappointed Gokey’s glasses don’t match his shirt completely, and frankly, using two different shades of burgundy is a tad distracting. He should have gone with the black pair to highlight the black tweed in the blazer, although that tattooed eagle on the back makes me want to build a time machine so I can go back in time and prevent Ed Hardy’s birth.

Yeah. I’m just having too much fun critiquing wardrobe selection this evening.

Gokey’s voice is solid, yet, I can see how his performance style was clearly developed in a theatrical church setting. He does know how to play to a crowd in a very church-like way. His dancing…uh…um…yeah. I finally get why his dead wife compared him to Taylor Hicks. (Hmmm…I wonder if he, too, will be forced to go out on a faux-date as ordered by Regis & Kelly.)

I think Paula just got a refill. I also think she climaxed during his performance. She is a bit flushed. She also says he’s going to the finals (as she claims she also did with Farmbot Underwood). All the judges sing his praises. It’s a big obnoxious to watch them slobbering over one another. Subsequent shots of Paula add credence to my belief she climaxed during his performance. She even offers to choreograph him. Bom chicka bom bom.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

Yay! Roughnecks. And oh, Michael didn’t have a Daddy. Pimp that tragic back story, roughneck boy! Your mother knows how to play the game, take a lesson from your momma.

Ballads bore me to tears. He was fine, I guess. Simon is tired of the roughneck story but goddamnit! Roughnecks are more fun than churchgoers! And the longer this guy stays in, the more I can quote Armageddon! The judges all like him and say how nice he is, blah blah blah…

(I am wondering if Go-To-Church-With-The-Idols will be next week’s pre-song packages. Or maybe Idol realized we don’t want to see these people’s houses of worship.)

Oh man. Well, we all gotta die right? I’m the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

OMG! YES! We’ve got a behind-the-scenes look at how Tranny Cake Makeup is actually applied! (Or they’re just using B-Roll from RuPaul’s Drag Race.)

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

It would have been cooler if Adam Lambert was doing her makeup, yet I’m still frightened by someone so young using so much damn makeup. Pageant Girl is starting to make Tyra Banks look like the epitome of earthy, au natural beauty. Ah, the Wild Card contestants will have to do with taped greetings from their families acting surprised and happy while watching them perform on the show during daylight hours.

This girl might be able to sing, but she’s so ridiculously boring. Too technical, too rehearsed. Too damn pageanty.

Oh for chrissake, I hate it when Randy has to talk about his past accomplishments, just in hopes people might stop thinking he’s a boob. Blah blah blah. Now we have to listen to Kara. Blah blah blah. Why is some chick who never made it as a solo artist talking about stage presence? All this twit talks about is stage presence and radio play, being commercial and being a package artist. All this chick makes me think of is the movie Grace of My Heart. Except I would so much rather go shopping with Illeana Douglas any day over Kara DioGuardi.

Let’s just look at Paula again because it’s fun and I’m bored!

Simon thinks she’s robotic. Yeah, Simon, I keep waiting for smoke to start coming out of her head and wires to start popping out of her ears, too!

Alison Iraheta is after the part of my heart reserved only for Joanne Polniaczek.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy doesn’t think Conway Arkansas is that small, but I swear I only saw one streetlight. Obviously, he busted his singing chops in church and with the rest of his family. In church. Here’s a family portrait of the Allen men being musical. I just keep wondering why they have a desktop PC clearly bought in 1998 and whether or not Compuserve still exists.

I’m going to venture that Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy’s wife is employed as an elementary school teacher. Hot-By-Defaut Fundie Boy’s wife embodies the traits of ever elementary education major you met while in college — bland sorority girl “cuteness” coupled by overwhelming desire to marry young and have picture-perfect abode by age 25, 2.2 kids by age 28. Oh. Lest I forget the overwhelming desire to show off your cheesy-ass wedding gifts to anyone that comes over.

Their three future children’s names will, of course, also begin with the letter “K”.

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy is like some bizarro cylon-created hybrid of a somewhat cute, churchgoing, singing, guitar-playing boy I attended high school with who dated my friend Michie during freshman year before growing up to become a youth minister AND this sleazy almost-divorced idiot I knew a few years ago.

I guess his performance was fine, hell, it was better than the original just because I hate the original and can only remember some mind-numbing video about Egypt when I think about it. So it’s not great, I don’t know. I was still kind of distracted by his bizarro hybrid-ness. Paula says Simon is undressing her when you and I both know, she’s just hammered and her feathers are falling and sticking to the remnants of her Gokey-gasm.

Alison Iraheta
Give Into Me

Oh come on. Did we really need subtitles for this chick’s father? Just because he’s kind of dark, right? But hello? How much do you love Alison Iraheta’s big clearance furniture store concert??

I know she’s probably getting her hair dyed professionally by this point, but whenever I look at her, I just think about that issue of Sassy magazine where one of the beauty tips was DIY haircolor using Kool Aid.

I totally do not know this song, but I sincerely like this kid’s voice. And her look suits her much more than that nitwit Alexis Grace.

Paula is starting with the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 comments. Groan. Oh, I think she has been doing it since she was 2 — hasn’t Paula seen La Princessa del Mariachi? YES! Alison make an awesomely awkward joke about not being a cutter when Simon told her to lighten up. It’s okay, Alison. I totally laughed, too! And her facial expressions are FANTASTIC. She is soooooo my favorite girl on this show.

Oh how absolutely beautiful. Anoop was backstage Thriller dancing before the break. Love it. Love it.

Anoop Desai
Beat It

How can you not love Anoop? He’s a Hindu in a master’s program at UNC. How can you not love Anoop’s parents? And yes! He is singing Beat It! I cannot wait for his dancing! He even has the turned-up 80s collar. Whoa, Idol. Love how you’re giving the smart Indian dude a Matrix-inspired backdrop. I still want to know how these are chosen, I mean, Lambert gets rainbows and Gokey gets heavenly clouds, so…

Anoop is entertaining. And energetic. He also gives faux-frak you attitude. Love him. I don’t care what anyone says. They are so gonna hate it. Oh come on, Paula. Why the hell did you give them Michael Jackson night and not let them do Beat It? You gave them the song list and said choose. What? You can’t see the entertainment value of his version? YES! Vote for Anoop! Bring his ass back next week! Oh Kara, actually, he did do some variant notes and shit. And come on. How gracious and polite is this kid? And Simon regrets putting him in the Top 13? NOOOOOO!!!! See? How can you win with these people?

Jorge Nunez
Never Can Say Goodbye

I like Jorge for some reason. Ballads bore me, but he’s the kind of person I like seeing get kind of far on a shit show like this, as he’s not had much formal singing training and is truly “undiscovered”. Plus, why not get a true Spanish singer on here? Let’s have them ALL sing in Spanish one night. That would be phenomenal.

Kara is whispering to Paula about something over at the judges table. Probably about cougar-y stuff. Jorge kind of had a rough note at one point, so I know Randy will throw out pitchy, and I don’t care much for this song, but I still want to see him stick around. Come on, Idol! Give Puerto Rico something to be proud of. Jennifer “I’m not a Scientologist” Lopez and Skeletor are bringing the Commonwealth down!

YES! YES! YES! I love Jorge right now. Yes, English is not his first language, which makes it even more beautiful, because it all seems so innocent. He basically admits that they’re given a piss-poor list to choose from. YES! YES! YES! They’ll probably show him the door after his exquisite honesty, but as far as I’m concerned, he blatantly admitted what a huge sham this whole shit show is.

Meghan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Tattooed Blonde Mormon Chick has wisely decided to dress like Katy Perry. And why are all Mormon mothers blonde and MILF-y? At least all the Mormon mothers of people on reality TV. I don’t meet many Mormons on the street, although I did one of those temple tours once, which was a bit freaky. So you know, my Mormon knowledge as an adult pretty much extends to things I read on the interweb, South Park and televised talent shows (AI and So You Think You Can Dance, which I watched the last season and was pleasantly surprised).

Tattooed Mormon Joy does Rockin Robin to showcase her cutesiness and youthful buoyancy, but I’m always partial to tattooed Idol contestants, as well as those with “wacky” hair. I think she might have a few pitch problems? And this kind of blows because I’m totally bored. But I like her awkward dancing and OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

CAW! CAW! CAW! She CAWED!!! WHAT THE FRAK WAS THAT? CAW! CAW! CAW!

Simon hates it. Oh, Simon, you just hated the caw-ing. How can you hate the caw-ing? Now they’re asking Gordon Ramsey what he thinks. But he didn’t yell and he had no mic so…

Is this over yet?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

One of the reasons I’m partial to Adam is that I also know what it’s like to hate one’s light-colored hair. I wonder if he chose this song because well, come on! Look at how he sang the song about equality?? This is the closest thing to a coming out EVER seen on Idol. He’s clearly not hiding anything. Sweet. Sure, I can see where some people may call him screechy, but he’s fun. He knows how to perform. The guy has talent. And yeah. I totally dig the fact he is a gay jew. Take that Fundie Idol!

But yeah, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white. Or gay. Or straight.

Paula thinks he is the most seasoned stage performer in the history of Idol. She also loves the way he marries fashion with music, which is punctuated by her showcasing not one but TWO pieces from the Paula Abdul Collection!

Are you ready for your closeup, tacky cubic-zirconia door-knocker ring and Liberace’s dog tag? Adam has been moved to tears. She also has essentially predicted an Adam vs. Danny finals. Simon thinks he was in a totally different league than everybody else. Well, true. The guy is talented and he is experienced. And if the only way to make Captain EO work is to be over-the-top, come on, give Anoop some credit! Randy is in man-love with Adam. Kara hopes Michael Jackson is watching this tonight, although I doubt he’ll be very excited. Lambert is totally too old for MJ.

Hmmm…if Jorge and Anoop are voted off, I call bullshit. Idol is clearly trying to boot the tannest guys in the bunch.

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Judging from his family videos, I’m gonna venture a guess and say Matt Giraud is a mean ping pong player. Giraud might also get the award for making the biggest awkward-to-not-awkward transformation from adolescence to adulthood. Naturally, Giraud is playing Human Nature on the piano. I can kind of see where this guy might pick up some comparisons to Justin Timberlake, in all honesty. Plus, Paula is swaying listlessly at the judge’s table, which is always a good sign. And he hits some high notes which Kara will cream over and Randy will call pitchy.

Is it just me, but doesn’t Human Nature always make you feel kind of skeevy when listening to it. Yup. Randy calls Timberlake and Paula & Kara want to bang him. Simon says he was solid but meat and potatoes compared to Lambert. Yawn. No surprise.

I now remembered why I find this song so damn skeevy and have ever since I was 6 or 7. It was the outfit worn by Michael Jackson to on the cover of the single. YES! Men in that much yellow can kind of make a girl get the piss shivers, ok?

Oh shoot me now. Actually, don’t shoot me. Shoot Alexis Grace, who has furthered my crusade of hatred against this stupid wannabe twit in a single shot of her primping in front of a mirror backstage. The only consolation I have is that I know my Tivo will cut off before she’s done. I can miss the judge’s pathetic fawning.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh shut the hell up already. And stop with the fake tears for your little girl. That’s so lame.

She is hurrying through this first part, I think. It sounded a little rushed, the first few bars/lyrics. This bitch reminds me of a blond Jennifer Love Hewitt and frankly, that’s one of the worst things I can ever say about a person. She’s way too full of herself for being so mediocre, much like Jennifer Love Hewitt, who inexplicably remains employed in these troubled economic times.

The only thing nice I can say about Alexis Grace is that she may have begun using a gradual self tanner, however, I think the producer’s are doing her a favor by letting her sing on a dimmed stage to create the illusion that’s she’s not frakking Casper.

I hate her. The judges will love her. Kara busts out her totally lame Carrie Bradshaw imitation and tells her she is naughty. Simon, thank flying spaghetti monster, was not impressed. He thought she was over the top (but wait…I thought that was what she was supposed to be…?) and obviously, not as good as she thought she was.

Alexis sucked donkey balls, but you know the pimp spot means the twit ain’t going anywhere.

And Idol, just because a gay dude is probably gonna win this damn thing and make you more money than most, if not all, of your other male winners doesn’t mean you’ve now become diverse. What, you think GLADD is gonna give you an award now or something? Go frak yourself. Keep the tan dudes in, too. (Spraying down Alexis Twit with Mystic soooo does not count!)

Spread the word. Do it.

I’m also not sure why a family-friendly TV show is championing a dude who is, more likely than not, a toucher. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know he was found innocent that last time, but the man is not right in the head. And if we’re gonna go with a theme night for a whack job Jehovah’s Witness, I would have preferred Prince. (Oh wow. Prince night on American Idol. Although I can’t see Darling Nikki being on any list of songs the contestants are allowed to sing. Damn.)

Anyway, here are the supposed spoiler riddles and my guesses. Since there is nothing remotely close to Beat It, I’m going to guess that will be their big group sing shit show, which won’t be so bad. Especially if they play rumble. There will be even inanity to ridicule.

Lil wants to keep us satisfied.
This must be The Way You Make Me Feel. Hmmm…I’m not sure, but now I have Death Cab For Cutie’s I Will Follow You Into The Dark in my head.

Kris is singing to all his fangirls.
Beat It? I kid, I kid. We already know Kris is gonna be beautifully-corrupted by the time his Idol run comes to a close. So let’s guess PYT (Pretty Young Thing)?

Adam is good – and you know it!
Too easy. Bad. Please say he does more than an quasi-crotch grab this week.  

Alexis is not ready to bid farewell.
I was really hoping it would be Blood on the Dance Floor. Just because I can’t stand this dumb twit and don’t give a rat’s ass what she’s going to sing.

Danny has to be careful of what he does in this round.
Uh…this one is pretty easy. Billie Jean, perhaps? But why even risk a song so memorably performed by last year’s winner. It also disregards his comments in a recent Top 13 Q&A with Entertainment Weekly. Guess he’ll go back to the old arrangement. (Some people have claimed he’s doing Wanna Be Startin’ Something and Jorge will be doing Billie Jean.)

Anoop’s doing this one for the ladies.
Please, please, oh please say Anoop will sing Smooth Criminal. (Alien Ant Farm arrangement, perhaps?) I know it won’t be In The Closet. Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough? Maybe The Girl is Mine? No clue, but does it matter? I adore Anoop!

Megan is a little wistful.
I am going to guess Remember The Time. Let’s hope she does a cool arrangement or something.

Jorge wants to give you a special feeling.
The Way You Make Me Feel is my guess. For some reason, that song doesn’t make me want to shove five Q-Tips in my ears, either. However, I am sure that’s what the spoiler for Lil Rounds also indicates, so I am going to guess a song called It’s The Feeling In Love, which was co-composed by David Foster, guaranteeing its inclusion on any Idol-Says-You-Need-To-Pick-From-These list.

Scott sees the benefit of we.
Maybe You Are Not Alone? (I really hate that song. And the beat doesn’t allow the chance for Blind Guy Moonwalking.) Or We Are The World, however, I’m really hoping this one is chosen for the shitty group sing.

Jasmine is contemplating some deep issues.
This sentence was supposed to be funny, right?  She’s young and she will do something crappy and sappy. Let’s guess Heal The World. Please say its not Human Nature.

Michael wants to assure you that he’ll be around.
I’ll Be There? That was almost way too easy. Er, I mean Got To Be There? I’ll Be There is the Hasseloff-penned and sung theme to Baywatch. My bad!

Allison may be a girly girl, but she’s got that spark!
Someone in the Dark has some lyrics about a spark. (Thank you, Google.) I hope she doesn’t light her hair on fire.

Matt is taking a long, hard look at his musical identity.
My first guess would be Man In The Mirror, but Kris Allen already sang it. So let’s go with Another Part of Me. (I have no idea what this is, mind you, I’ve just been referring to Wikipedia this whole time.)

Spread the word. Do it.

Let’s introduce the judges, flash back on tragic back stories…how did I just now notice the B-roll shot of Nathaniel Marshall with the “No Vacancy” sign in the background. How auteur of Idol. Ha. Yes, Marshall is shot fuzzily with the No Vacancy sign in clear focus while the voiceover says, I’m one of those kids who have been through a lot.

Well, I’m hoping Idol makes a vacancy for Marshall in the Wild Card. And Jorge Nunez. Not so much for Cindy McCain and the tapeworm-swallowing Milkmaid Hooker McNasta-mera.

Since we already know two if the finalists will be Scott McIntyre and Lil Rounds, let’s take tonight to savor the beauty of Alex Wagner-Trugman, who we will probably not be lucky enough to see again. Sigh…

You have got to be kidding me. Group sing is Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold. This is so goddamn awful. I am tempted to shove about five Q-tips in each ear right now. If I look up, I will also want to scratch out my eyeballs.

UGH. Nooooo. Sweet Elder-Love teenager Arianna is sandwiched in between the Country Tyme Twits.

In an obvious effort to not have to choreograph around The Blind Guy (Bastards!), all the young dudes are seated on a sofa. And Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von Smith is sporting Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s hairstyle.

Ah, let’s for a moment, cherish the unique beauty of one Alex Wagner-Trugman. Sigh.

Holy shit. All the young dudes are chair dancing. They have choreographed when they cross their legs! And when they get on their knees! To a song that says you’re in then you’re out!

Oh Idol. You are sooooo homoerotic tonight.

Seacrest says we all need to watch the commercial because they have “stuck in a hidden audition”. Nice try, Idol. Of course, I haven’t hit fast forward yet. I know now Morgan Freeman narrates Visa commercials.

I’m already drinking a Diet Coke, Idol, sorry. Ok. What was the point of that audition? Was I supposed to recognize the chick singing “The Jeffersons Theme”? That was really lame, Idol, even for you.

Pointless recap of last night’s performances will only be worthwhile to watch the great Alex Wagner-Trugman and phenomenal Nathaniel Marshall. Because I have a heart, I feel kind of bad for Elder-Love Arianna. But my heart-felt feelings do not extend to Milkmaid Hooker or Taylor Zuckermann. Or Cindy McCain.

But I totally adore Jorge Nunez. The dude is genuine and I want him to stay on this show, he also has the kind of background you like to see on this kind of shit show. Lil Rounds may be pimped to death, but she’s good. And Scott MacIntyre is just really fun. Even if he is a fundie. He’s also a genius and has an amazing attitude, plus, the dude gets props for not pimping the fact he’s got some teacher’s kidney.

I can’t get behind of Felicia Barton. Not just because she is a fundie worship leader, well…ok. I guess that’s part of it. Well, mostly the part about her husband praising the Lord for bringing her a dentist and a new hairstyle. Jesus did not clean your wife’s teeth. Jesus did not do your wife’s hair.

Come Ju’not Joyner!! Play up that asthma! Make it your tragic back story.

Jesus, making Lil Rounds stand up first. This is so predictable. Go sit down on the other side, Lil. But Lil Rounds is good. I’m just curious to see what she sings in the coming weeks. But props for finally putting a black chick in the Top 12 this year.

Now they’re going to get rid of the losers, namely Arianna, Taylor Zuckermann, our sweet Alex, Cindy McCain. The last name they call is Scott MacIntyre and OMG ONE OF THEM IS THROUGH TO THE TOP 12 IT IS TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Another shocker, I’m sure. Did you know we were supposed to see Stoner J sing his new song tonight? Yes. It’s called Love Uncompromised. But then things fell through, i.e., his overbearing stage mother Betsy Castro totally frakked it up.

I like Elder-Love’s Que Sera Sera attitude. She’s a good kid. Ok, hurry up and get rid of Taylor Zuckermann. Noooo…don’t get rid of the beautiful Alex Wagner-Trugman!

I’d rather lose being myself than win being somebody else.

Wise words from a boy genius. Sniff. Sniff. I’ll miss you, Alex, I really, really will!

Yay! Cindy McCain is going home! PLEASE do not bring her back for the Wild Card. Please oh please oh please!

Blonde Bimbo vs. Blind Guy. No contest.

Awww. Alex and Scott shared a sweetly awkward hug. Please let Scott dance with his walking stick now.

Damn. No dancing. Let’s just hope he does it over the next few weeks. Or sings Jeff Healey’s Angel Eyes. Christ, I kind of feel wrong when I request such things.

Oh please. Do not make Nathaniel stand up with Milkmaid Hooker. Milkmaid Hooker really should give up her dream of music and become a Vivid contract girl. It’s not a total loss because technically, her mouth can still make her famous.

Once they make Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von and Felicia Barton stand up, I already know they’re gonna drag the shit out with Ju’not Joyner and Jorge Nunez. Because I’m super good at math!

Obviously, Jesus will bring Felicia Barton a spot in the Wild Card.

Awww…I want both these dudes to get through. Because the Top 12 needs some color, damnit! Plus, then Alexis Grace will look even MORE like Casper.

Of course Seacrest is going to go to a commercial break before announcing the final contestant. Because this is American Idol. And it is as predictable as the tide. OH WAIT. They totally faked us out. That was UNPREDICTABLE!

And Jorge Nunez made it! Yay for Jorge! Iraheta really needs to bust out her Spanish skills because Jorge is gonna mobilize the Hispanic vote. He’s also a dude. Dudes get more votes because Idol dudes get Frauen.

Now let’s hurry up and get to why we’re watching tonight’s fairly predictable shit show…the announcement of the Wild Card contestants. But first, let’s have a commercial. And let’s introduce the nine contestants who made it through already.

Whoa Casper!

And let’s find out the eight people who are coming back to sing tomorrow. Finally. Please. Please. Just get it over with. Since they brought all of them back, it’s supposed to be suspenseful. (I had no idea Jennifer Hudson was a wild card. I learned something tonight!)

Pee Wee’s Bad Boy Puppet Von Smith??

Simon wants him to wear a hat because he hates the Maddox Jolie-Pitt hair. Obviously selected because of his obvious Frau Factor.

OMG SHE’S SOOOO COMMERCIAL

Jasmine Murray??

(Take a shot every time Kara says commercial. Ugh.)

Ricky Braddy

Well, duh.

Meghan Corkrey

I would hope so. The competition’s only tolerable blonde actually has a pretty kick ass voice.

Oh christ. Another commercial break.

I think Randy is going to select Twatiana. Twatiana thinks he is going to select her. Twatiana is praying.

Tatiana del Toro

Twatiana is wearing the most god-awful dress. She is sobbing hysterically. It’s been one minute but I already want to shoot her, even if she provides ample entertainment value. But I am all for bringing her back so we can watch the inevitable meltdown when she gets her ass kicked to the curb.

Matt Giraud

Obviously.

Jesse Langseth

Okay, she was good. But I’m getting scared because I have neither heard Normund Gentle or Anoop Desai’s name called. And Ju’not Joyner will not be called. Ugh. Sigh. I can live with…

YAY! Simon saved the best for last!!!

Anoop Desai

Of course, I really think some good people got screwed. Jasmine Murray? Are you serious? You would rather see Jasmine Murray over Nathaniel Marshall or Ju’not Joyner? Von Smith over NORMUND GENTLE??

Sigh. No Vacancy for Nathaniel Marshall. Idol met its uber-gay quota for the season.

Of course, I just realized something.

Milkmaid Hooker and Cindy McCain are no more! And all those prayers did nothing to help Felicia Barton.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the little things.

Spread the word. Do it.

Wow. I really, really, really hate Kendall Beard. They’ve saved all the idiot blondes for tonight so I’m sure I’ll be able to spread my hatred between her and Kristen McNamera.

Von Smith
You’re All I Need To Get By

There is something about this kid that, that…I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe I don’t like his use of the color orange? His facial expressions? His voice? I’m finding this performance all rather meh. The judges will call him old-fashioned.

Von Smith reminds me of the Bad Kid Puppet Randy on Pee Wee’s Playhouse.

OMG. Von Smith’s mom jumping in down made like, my last five minutes.

Randy thinks the performance is hot. He thinks Von has “found himself.” As does Kara. She babbles on about something him shouting with meaning. Paula calls him a showman. Wow. No one has said old-fashioned? Well…does it count that Simon said he reminded him of Clay Aiken?

Taylor Vaifauna
If I Ain’t Got You

Ah, the 17-year-old Mormon chick who looks like she’s in her mid-30s. (And no, it’s not because she is tall! She looks old!) I despise this song. I have no idea why people come on this show and sing this song. And didn’t they sing this during Hollywood Week. I can’t understand what she’s saying. Taylor Zuckermann is boring me. I think Syesha did this same shit last year. I will give Vaifauna props for one thing, though…VINYL LEGGINGS! VINYL LEGGINGS ON A LATTER DAY SAINT!!!!

While singing, Taylor moved herself to tears. She made me want to cry, too, but not for the same reasons. Kara babbles on about wondering who she is and what it would be like to go shopping with her. Paula is perplexed, but points out the obvious, that she sang this song during Hollywood Week. Simon does not get the shopping reference. Randy asks her if she likes soy milk or regular milk. Simon calls her generic. He totally calls it.

Alex Wagner-Trugman
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

Yay! I love the geeks! I love the geniuses! I love the geeky geniuses! Oh, Jesus, shameless Coca Cola plug with cup-designing contest.

Alex begins…YES! I love it. This kid is hilarious! I’m sure his mention of a “long-distance relationship” will have people wondering as to if he was talking about a male or female. Who the hell cares? I love this kid! He’s hilarious. His dorkiness is charming. He will be crucified by the judges for his awkward moves, attempted mic stand antics and hell, everything else. But I adore him. Isn’t that what matters? Finally, someone tonight who was actually FUN.

And hello??? Dorktastic Dad with a MILF!! (You SOOOO know what that means.)

Paula thinks he is “fun” and “entertaining”. Simon didn’t like his growling and likens him to a hamster trying to be a tiger. Alex says it was an accident when he kicked over the mic stand. Randy agrees with Simon. Kara actually says something nice. She tells him he is at least aware of who he is. Alex was just trying to have fun. YAY! Whatever. These people just don’t know fine entertainment.

Arianna Asfar
The Winner Takes It All

I initially confused Arianna with Alison last week, because frankly, a lot of these people start blurring together. Arianna is our Elder-Love girl. She will be performing the FIRST ABBA SONG EVER ON IDOL. Wow. It took this long? But hey, at least you’ll know she’ll sing it better than Pierce Brosnan. The kid has pipes, yes, maybe, kind of? In some parts, perhaps, but I was a bit bored. I spent the majority of my time trying to listen to the lyrics, some of which I couldn’t understand.

Simon blasts her, says she is terrible, blah blah blah. Randy agrees and starts talking about how she’s picking songs that are too old and too big for such a little girl. Blah blah blah. Elder Love Girl’s eyes are watery. I realize I really loathe the way Kara says vivacious. She tells her to be young and to touch people. Paula can’t say Abba right. I wonder what Kara meant about “touching people”. Arianna is most likely out of here, unless the grandparents get out the vote.

I am so ridiculously bored.

Ju’Not Joyner
Hey There Delilah

I love how he says he is a business owner and I have no idea why. Joyner is going to do his Hollywood Week song, too, wonder if it will work out as well for him as it did Taylor Zuckerman. But I don’t even care because I love the fact this guy is wearing handcuffs attached to his belt. Joyner has a good voice, but I hate the fact Randy made some ridiculous play on words with his name. Randy loves it, yet neither he nor Kara bring up the fact he performed it in Hollywood Week. Kara wants to bang him. Paula wants to see his little boy.

Ju’Not’s mother is adorable.

Paula brings up the fact he sang the song in Hollywood Week, mentions Taylor Vaifauna doing the same thing but gives Ju’Not props for changing it up. Simon adds insult to Taylor’ Zuckermann’s injury by saying Taylor who? Which was actually pretty damn funny. Simon likes him, but says he was nervous, which leads to Joyner saying something about getting a cortisone shot in the ass. Which makes me like this guy even more. And franky, Idol needs more black people.

Kristen McNamera makes me ill. Oh, snap. Nathaniel disses on poor Nancy Wilson. Kirsten acts like the fake twat you know that she is. You know she hates Nathaniel and probably everyone else.

Kristen McNamera
Gimme One Reason

Idiot claims her hairstylist accidently gave her purple hair for the audition. Which is why she color-coordinated her outfit to match her hair, obviously. And I wish she would just admit to swallowing a tape worm before she got to Hollywood because the bitch dropped like 15-20 pounds pretty damn fast. I can’t wait to see her FAIL. (Just as she did on Nashville Star.)

WHAT IS THIS SHITE?? She’s dressed like a milkmaid hooker and the arrangement is pure cheesy wedding band. McNamera’s “real-life” occupation is karaoke hostess, which pretty much explains why she sucks. And why she insists on yelling out to the audience. Yeah, bitch, don’t forget to tip your bartenders. Now get the frak off stage.

Kara thinks she can sing, but did not like the song and disses her outfit. And rightfully so. She has like, nasty pink tulle flowers on her shoulders. And gold stilettos. This look is all the rage with milkmaid hookers.

When its time to give out her number, Ms. McNamera whines that she’s never had style and always looked like an idiot. Ryan’s Teleprompter can’t even think of something to reply with when she begs for a stylist.

Nathaniel Marshall
I Would Do Anything For Love

Christ, I love this guy. And OMG. He is doing Meat Loaf. I love his headband. OMG. He is so brilliantly campy. I LOVE HIM. This is FABULOUS.

This is entertainment. This is why Gay will win over God, damnit! God music. Not fun. Campy queens doing Meat Loaf. SO MUCH FUN!!

Marshall is a good singer and I just find it refreshing to watch someone up there to have fun. The people who take it too seriously, they just put so much intensity into their performances that all the fun gets sucked out. It’s like someone stuck them in a Ronco Food Dehydrator and then vacuum-sealed them for freshness (I’m looking at you, Vinyl Legging Vaifauna and Milkmaid Hooker). Wouldn’t this shit show be a lot better if the contestants actually had fun on stage?

The judges are stunned. Simon things he was verging on excruciating. Granted, I was thinking Olivia Newton-John’s Physical, too, but that was more the dancing than the headband. Whoa. Simon backs up and says he is fun and that he likes them. Awww, Nathaniel tells a sweet story about his mother and him singing and dancing to Meat Loaf around the house. Randy thinks he is fun.

Do you guys see a pattern here? GAY IS THE NEW FUN. GAY IS THE NEW FUN. Okay, for chrissake. Kara wants to see his serious side and wants to go karaoke-ing with him. Will this be after she goes shopping with Taylor Zuckermann? She fails to realize he was trying to be less serious because of his drama queen antics. For some reason, I guess its because she’s off the pain meds, Paula is making way too much sense tonight. Way too much. She acknowledges his serious side during Hollywood Week (his acoustic-with-guitar rendition of Rihanna’s Disturbia). Wait. I was wrong. Paula stopped making sense. She thinks he did the Boy George version. Oh silly, Paula, don’t you know Boy George is still performing? As a DJ? Wait. I think he’s in prison now, but I’ve seen him DJ. I also saw him sign a midget’s breasts. (Yes, I took a photo. I’ll have to dig up my ancient IBM ThinkPad.) Ok, Nathaniel would so sign a midget’s breasts, but then again, so would I.

I adore little people.

And after the commercial break…THE GOD SQUAD

(I really want to see Watchmen.)

Felicia Barton
No One

Felicia Barton is a stay-at-home mom / church worship leader. She is also doing Alicia Keys, granted the one Alicia Keys’ song I absolutely LOVE, but…I’m just so over these chicks singing Alicia Keys. And a whole bunch of other stuff. The arrangement of this song sucks, but Barton can sing. The arrangement is ridiculously bad. I actually don’t mind her voice, even though she has embodies so many things I just detest. She actually has a very good voice, but the arrangement was one of the shittiest arrangements of a good song I have ever heard. Didn’t that sound completely disjointed in about 5 different places?

Isn’t it funny how the universe works? Must have been those prayers, right? (According to her husband’s blog, prayers did bring a hairstylist and a dentist.) Not the fact they booted Joplanta. Paula loves her. Simon isn’t that enthusiastic. I would bet $50 even if she doesn’t make it, she’ll score a Wild Card spot, especially because the lack of decent girls in the competition.

Scott MacIntyre
Mandolin Rain

I kind of love this guy, even though he’s kind of big into Jesus music. First off, he’s a genius. Second, he totally danced with his walking stick last week. Sadly, I think MacIntyre only really shines when he’s behind a piano. He will be vulnerable as long as he is without an instrument. I guess he nails a few notes here and there. This performance? Kind of blah in a lot of ways.

I feel horrible for thinking this, but I really want him to pay tribute to the late Jeff Healey and perform Angel Eyes. His Frauen Factor would go off the charts!

And in the audience, his father and brother. You remember his brother from the auditions, right?

Randy just called him baby. I kind of got a piss shiver. But Randy feels is passion. However, I’m really looking forward to Kara’s critique because she always uses the word see a lot when talking to him.

I want America to see you play and sing. I want them to really see Scott.

Yeah, even if he doesn’t get voted through, you know he’s coming back for the Wild Card. He’s even growing on Simon. Because he’s starting to believe in himself now. Simon even thinks he’s relevance and says he will be AMAZED if he doesn’t sail through to the next round. Wow. I thought they had forgone pimping The Blind Dude once The Dead Wife Guy showed up, didn’t you?

But who can’t love The Blind Dude. ESPECIALLY when he tells Ryan he needs a HIGH FIVE. Beautiful. (Uh…why did Ryan call him Scotty the Body??)

And after the break, our final blonde bimbo of the competition. You know. The skinnier one with fake ta-tas who doesn’t ever stop waving. Wow. Kendall Beard and Kristen McNamera actually almost make me miss Kristy Lee Cook.

Kendall Beard
This Is For All You Girls

Jesus, this chick is an idiot. Of course, she’s positioning herself as the “cute blonde country chick” since McNasta-mera Milkmaid Hooker doesn’t just know who the heck she is as an artist. Which might work out wisely for her, since Idol always needs a designated cute blonde country chick. Whatevia. Bitch looks like Cindy McCain. I think she’s even had as much plastic surgery as Cindy McCain.

I’m utterly bored by her performance, mainly because I swear I’ve heard it 5000 times before. And I can’t stop wondering what died and wrapped itself around her waist. I really don’t know if it was vocally wrong, but it was just kind of sucky. Beard’s mother wears silver blazers. And her shiny mother put together Kendall’s outfit, too. Paula could only comment on her clothes, which kind of means she sucks. Simon thinks she is cute but shrill.

Randy stars spouting Randy Nonsense, but I can’t really pay attention because I’m blinded by his god-awful watch.

Jorge Nunez
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me

For whatever reason, I really like Jorge. He will be the second person of the evening singing Elton John. His vocals are solid, even though I’ve never been a fan of the show. However, I am a fan of the CHEESY SPLIT SCREEN, which Idol busts out for our sweet Jorge.

Up on the contestants’ deck, McNasta-mera is clapping begrudgingly for Jorge. Milkmaid Hooker is such a twat. By the end of the song, PAULA IS ON HER FEET. I think Paula is moved to tears. She also manages to show off her latest Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection ring.

They all like his vocals, even if Simon wants him to go back to singing with an accent and Paula and Kara just want to hear him talk with one because it makes them all happy like little girls. Kara says he touches people when he sings. Awww…Jorge is now moved to tears. How can anyone not love Jorge?

He even speaks some Spanish. Little Iraheta ought to bust out some Spanish if she knows what’s good for her.

Lil Rounds
Be Without You

Ah, LIl Rounds in the pimp spot. Because she’s the only chick who has been pimped. Of course, I thought, if I remember correctly, I thought she had a terrible Hollywood Week. She’s singing Mary J. Blige, which was definitely a good decision. Lil Rounds will make the Top 12 because Idol always needs a black diva, just as they always need a cute country blonde. Plus the producers and judges want her there. This is why she is performing last.

Lil Rounds does have a good voice, and I’ll give her some props for doing Mary J. Blige. I can’t really remember anyone doing Mary J. Blige on this shit show before. The judges, naturally, all love her. Kara tries talking “black”. She calls her girl. I roll my eyes. Paula makes a cutesy stupid joke about seeing her for “many more Lil Rounds to come.”

Ok. So Lil Rounds is a lock for tomorrow night. Then maybe Scott McIntyre? Or Jorge Nunez? Or will it be Felicia Barton? She DOES have the power of Jesus on her side. Although I am BEGGING for Alex Wagner-Trugman, Ju’Not Joyner and Nathaniel Marshall to get entry into the Wild Card. Toss Cindy McCain and Karaoke McNasta-mera out with the moldy takeout sitting in your refrigerator.

Ugh. And to think, this week, we’ve got two more nights of this shit show.

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