At this point everyone had forgotten about Neda, an innocent girl whose death during a protest in Iran was watched by millions. They also forget about Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, who also died. And David Carradine, who had died a week before in Thailand, although there probably was no Lady Boy involved, it was still a bit… Somewhere along this crazy timeline of events, I gave a drunken monologue in a French restaurant while wearing heals, had to see a one-woman show about Judy Garland with my Gaysian (Pearl Cream), smoked a bunch of cigarettes and even went to one of those cute little cupcake bakeries. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was becoming the poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw 10 years too late.

Anyway, I digress. If the last week has proven one thing its that humans, just like Idol contestants and Fox programming execs, hate saying goodbye. So hey, why not re-air this year’s Top 13 episode showcasing the songs of Michael Jackson? Call it a tribute while making a few extra bucks. And what perfect timing? That little tour they do every summer where batshit crazy women enduring menopausal hot flashes give these young male karaoke singers homemade shirts, puffy-painted Bibles and stuffed bears is kicking off on Saturday.

I was really hoping for a bit of new content in tonight’s rerun. If VH1 and NBC can get some specials together, the least Idol can do is put Seacrest’s narration about Jackson in past tense. But I try not to expect much out of certain things, especially Idol, and right now I’m just really hoping they don’t cut La Princesa del Mariachi’s adorable comment about not being a cutter after her awesomely sick & fabulous rendition of Give In To Me.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Lil Rounds, your family was so adorable yet you were always so damn boring. You would think all that tornado shit would make you more interesting. Anyway, this was before they started outfitting Lil with proper wigs and / or extensions. Personally, over the last several days, I was reminded time and time again how The Way You Make Me Feel is just an all-around incredible pop song. In so many ways, it IS a perfect pop song.

Sadly, it is not so when Lil Rounds does it, even if you take away the distraction of the angelic chiffon eunuch top (Hey…wouldn’t an angel with one wing be a eunuch of sorts?), it still is soooooo karaoke. I mean, I can’t sing for shit, but when I do karaoke, you get a show. What I lack in vocal prowess I make up for with exceptional performance skills.

Wow, this was kind of worse than I remember. Perhaps because it was the first all-finalist episode of the season and I first watched it so long ago and am now sitting here knowing how it all went down, or maybe because I’ve heard The Way You Make Me Feel about 20x over the past 5 days.

Oh Jesus Christ. I just realized I had completely forgotten about the shrill horror known as Kara DioGuardi. Like, I just blocked her out of my memory and then I hear her voice, and it just all comes back…Studio 57…the piss-poor counting skills…the who are you as an artist? questions…ugh…going to pour myself a Captain & Diet Pepsi.

I have no idea what these judges are hearing. Perhaps once I get more intimate with my Captain, I will maybe understand their ludicriousness, but that might take a lot of booze and I have to work tomorrow.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Oh, Blind Guy, if it weren’t for the fact you had to sing a lot, I would adore you. You’re super-educated and some sort of genius, plus, you displayed throughout your Idol run a very twisted sense of humor. Oh. And props for not telling people about that kidney transplant.

Even though Jacko croaked, I still have not heard Keep The Faith. Ooooh. I totally forgot about Blind Guy walking around aimlessly on stage, which is adorable because its Blind Guy, and he never gave a rat’s ass.

Blah blah blah, Shit-For-Brains what I love about you is your message needs to just go somewhere very far away. Like Hades. Speaking of Hades, its kind of hot here and I think the ice in my Jesus Juice is melting too fast…does this mean I need to drink it faster?

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Ah yes, how could I forget about that lovely Simon quote?

Ryan takes us to another break and says the pressure is on for Danny and Michael. I literally scrunched up my face in confusion and mouthed, Michael? Who? Oh yeah. Michael Sarver. Roughneck dude who was good for Armageddon quotes but that’s about it because he’s a sanctimonious Jesus freak who might harbor a deep amount of homophobia.

Ah, now I’ve seen the only piece of new content, a bump saying In Memory of Michael Jackson. And then I have to see Gokey dancing around a bunch of his relatives. (For some reason, I think tonight’s rerun may bomb ratings-wise, but that’s just something which occurred to me that I felt like typing.)

Danny Gokey
PYT

Was it really smart to re-air this In Memory of Michael Jackson when its just kind of uh, bastardizing his memory even more so? The man hasn’t even been given a funeral yet and they’re already re-playing bastardized versions of his songs on national TV.

With badly-dancing bastards, no less.

Ha. Paula. You’re not a psychic! (Or everyone decided they hated Gokey and didn’t want him in the finals. Yeah…I think that’s what happened, right?)

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I think you’re on your way to the finals.

Yummm…Jesus Juice! Randy says something about wanting to see all those surprising new things Gokey has to offer every week and I almost choke on my Jesus Juice. But I quickly recover, in fact, I am forced to take a huge gulp when Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi starts yapping.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I didn’t mind this guy at first because he just seemed like your average aw-shucks guy from Texas who works on an oil rig. Although I don’t know many of those so I’m probably just going by what I have seen in movies. And since it was obvious he wasn’t going to go much past ninth or tenth place, there really wasn’t much reason to think about him. Sadly, now when I look at him, I just think douchebag. And his mouth is absolutely huge. He must have like 38 teeth or something.

Again, Fox, how is this an appropriate tribute to Michael Jackson? Everyone has SUCKED. I don’t even know if Joe Jackson would sign these asshats to his record label. Shit-For-Brains, SHUT UP. You are driving me to drink.

(And all this Idol-ness is making me slack on my online-monitoring of WSOP Events #51 and #54. But I invite all of you to see what’s up, because in my “real-life”, I am super-proud of this project.)

Holy shit! Cylon Pageant Barbie Kid! I totally forgot about her!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

Jasmine’s mom totally wears a weave. Just saying. Now this kid doesn’t have a terrible voice, she’s just as boring as the plant I’m staring at right now. I just want her to go on and do better things with her life. Face it, she can get a nice college scholarship, probably entry into a top-notch grad school…she doesn’t need to be a karaoke singer. Like, Malnourished Casper Twat, who we will see later on this evening, she probably just would have ended up a tuneful lot lizard if it weren’t for Idol. Now she still could, of course, but it at least opens up some classier seedy local opportunities for the pale young woman.

A little bit robotic at times.

Duh. She’s Pageant Cylon Barbie.

YAY! YAY! YAY! The two most awesome Idol contestants of the season are up next!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! Either my mood has perked up or I’m just starting to really enjoy my Jesus Juice. Or maybe its the fact that I’m writing an Idol recap…hmmm…really, I just don’t have the energy to take a good long look inward this evening.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

OMG. I had no idea M.R.S. Allen SPOKE. I totally do not remember her speaking. Oh, Hot By Default. I think you totally had me with do you remember. I think Idolator’s recap got me to start thinking about one thing, though, that he was a bit smiley for a brake-up / broken heart song, but then I saw the video this weekend and well, I guess I always thought this was kind of an upbeat song.  I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics when it came out because I uh, never liked the song.

But I gotta say something here. How was it not obvious this guy was going to go really far, even after this performance? There as seriously a time when Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey were seen as more marketable and more talented than this dude? Kara actually says the only useful thing of the season when she points out how HBD helped a lot of the other contestants out that week, and then Paula throws in how no one knows Michael [Jackson's] catalog better than any of the others. Which just reiterates the fact this kid was really the only true musician on the show this season. This guy knows music. He might not have had the power vocals, but he knows music.

Whatevia. I liked Hot By Default and I still do. Just like I adored La Princesa del Mariachi! And she sings next!! And she’s singing the best Michael Jackson song EVER!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

I love the fact La Princesa sang at a Hispanic furniture superstore. Hello? SHE RULES.

Ah…ok…going to sit back with my Jesus Juice and enjoy this awesomeness.

Ok. I had to pause halfway through to write down how sick & talented La Princesa is. Seriously. Did you listen to her? And this song? I am so doing this song the next time I go to that dodgy Asian karaoke place where they let you sneak in booze and small dogs.

I actually hope Fox / Apple decide to try and make more cash off this stupid In Memory Of… rerun by opening up sales to these songs on iTunes again. Because I WANT TO DOWNLOAD THIS SONG. (And if they don’t…if any of you have it, please send it to me. I don’t download Idol songs very often, but I think this one is a must-have.)

YES YES YES!!! They totally kept the it’s not like I’m cutting myself remark in there. I knew then and there La Princesa had stolen a teeny part of my jaded little heart.

Oh Shit-For-Brains shut up. You’re making me go back to the kitchen…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Awww…I love Anoop’s parents. Love them. I want them to invite me for dinner.

Now I can see some of the complaints about this song, and hell, should anyone even try and attempt Beat It? Seriously. BUT COME ON. How was this better than Gokey’s PYT? And maybe the “tough-guy looks” combined with the turned-up collar was a bit to much at the end but come on! It was better than Gokey. And plus we like Anoop. He is educated.

If this was karaoke, than so was Gokey. And Lil Rounds. End of story.

Jorge Nunez
Never Say Goodbye

Oh, poor Jorge. Such a sweet guy. I hope he is doing well, but we all know “ethnic” males can’t do shit on Idol.

And hell, actually, I think I only heard this song this weekend when combing through Michael Jackson songs on iTunes. Still felt bad this kid was thrown under the bus by getting stuck with this mediocre ballad. And yeah, it’s really not that good…but hey, it’s still not his fault entirely…I hope Jorge does okay. Plus, J. Lo and her Skeletor man-slave liked him, so perhaps they could take his phone calls or something.

Jorge or no Jorge. This was just a piss-poor MJ song from the get-go.

The judges kill Jorge. End game. Now onto Tattooed Mormon Joy and Lambert. (And I’ve got a full glass of Jesus Juice.)

Megan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Awww, I love Megan. And she’s soooo beautiful. And awesome. And hello? This was when she CAWED!!! Sadly, I really think Megan’s “MILF/GILF” can’t be anymore than 10-12 years older than me. Which is kind of scary. I don’t care what anyone says — I still think you give this girl a little vocal training and she will be out of control. Plus, she kind of represents the types you “expect” to make it to Idol…you know, the ones who have some sort of natural talent but have never had the platform to “shine”. Not people with failed recording contracts in their recent past.

Sorry, I still think this is fun. And Megan Joy is FUN. And she CAWS!!! SHE CAWS!! That was one of the best things I have ever witnessed on Idol.

Oh Shit-For-Brains, shut the hell up. You are making me drink. As is Paula’s outfit, which truly is amazing. Especially with the way she has accessorized it with those delicious not-even-semi-precious gems from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.

It’s also strange watching this show now that I’ve uh, been there? Jesus. That seems like forever ago. I went to an AI Rehearsal…what the frak has become of my life???

Adam Lambert
Black or White

Ok. Let me state again that I love Lambert’s father. Love his dry sense of humor.

The thing with Lambert / Screech McQueen, we really didn’t see the evolution of an artist or say, improvement. Lambert pretty much set the bar and stayed there. I don’t know if he can do much more than what he’s done, you know? Maybe his team of crackjack producers can take him to soaring new heights, but who knows. Hell, his legions of batshit crazy fans could ruin him because they seem to be moving beyond Claymate proportions at this point. I don’t think I could handle being stuck in a room with any of them. At least the Kradam fans seem a bit more sane, despite all their insistances of siamese gifts for 2 and talk about cuddling.

(Is this almost over yet?)

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

I’m just happy I got to see Quatto The Mole again. I guess his performance was good. All that matter was that Quatto was there.

But once Shit-For-Brains started having her at-table Molegasm, I started reaching for my Jesus Juice.

And I am now wondering why I am forcing myself to sit through this a second time when techically, I really don’t have to, do I? No.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh Jesus. I can’t stand this white trash twat. Yes, yes. I know that’s harsh, but she’s just ridiculous. And a hypocrite, too! Here she is crying about her kid and her fiancee in Iraq when we all know she did a little somethin’-somethin’ with Matt Giraud. Why do I hate Alexis Grace? Because she’s pale and malnourished and oh-so eager to “dirty herself up”? Sure, why not. But mainly because you look at her and just sense the desperation in every move and every glance. This girl would sell a kidney if it meant a record deal. It’s all so, insincere. Like, I have a feeling she sings Reba McEntire’s Fancy to herself in the mirror each and every day because she considers it HER theme.

I remember being pissed she got the pimp spot when I watched the original broadcast, but now it’s just funny. Especially because her ass was booted doing Jolene the following week.

Ok…sorry…I’m back. Live feed of WSOP Event #51 infinitely more exciting than Casper, mmmm-kay???

The only notable thing I can remark about Casper’s performance of this song is that its autobiographable. No wonder she infused it with so much passion. SHE IS DIRTY DIANA, er ALEXIS. But it’s all about a girl who will do whatever she can for singing stardom…like that whole casting room couch stuff you’ve heard about…

Anyway, loved that she got the pimp spot and thought she was all that. And loved that she got booted next week.

Christ.

You’re a naughty girl…and I liked it.

Ugh. That just goes places I did not want to think about. But I do think Simon was right on about saying it wasn’t nearly as good as she thought it was.

Wait??? WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS???? WHERE DO I VOTE????

Jesus Christ. Why did I watch this again?

Now someone send me the mp3 of Allison’s Give In To Me. I will sing karaoke songs about you.

Spread the word. Do it.

And we’ve got to trudge through over two hours of America’s greatest shit show. Are you ready? I am. But as I said last night, I really don’t care who wins because I don’t think either of them care. And I like it. So tonight? Well, tonight’s just gonna be a night when two nice guys do good for themselves.

There were almost 100 million votes or something. And then Ryan Seacrest pays tribute to the four who have professionally guided the contestants this season.

Professionally guided? Are you kidding, dawg? Are you kidding me?

Okay, whew. Seacrest was totally kidding about that professional guidence shit, and clever editing proves Randy Jackson’s vocabulary is as limited as Shit For Brains DioGuardi’s songwriting abilities. (That’s right, sweetie.)

Now let’s watch Paula’s vocal prowess. I wish I could explain what I find so appealing about Paula Abdul, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that it’s not Idol if there is no Paula.

And once again, Simon is wearing a collared shirt. This one is for my mom, who thinks Simon Cowell is hot. Granted, she only knows how to get to my blog if I send her the link, despite my repeated attempts to teach her the concept of bookmarking.

Don’t you hate it when they stick the contestants in all white? I know I do. But let’s check out their families, where I once again wonder how HBD arrived on this planet with dark brown hair, as everyone in his immediate family seems to have been Children of the Corn. (And it looks like the St. Louis Lambert fantards are back in the house. I bet they love that they have to fly back home into Lambert International Airport. Holla.)

Seriously, why are these poor bastards wearing angelic white? Couldn’t they have lied and said they were on their period or something to try and get out of it? Okay…I guess that wouldn’t have been very believable.

They sent Mikalah Gordon to Conway, Arkansas. Remember Mikalah? I would have sworn she would be doing porn by now but it looks like she’s still shilling for Idol. As per usual, the kiddies are stuck in the front because hey, we don’t want anyone to think its middle-aged women voting for Idol contestants now, do we?

And they sent Carly Smithson down the 405 (oh, the 405, I feel like I intimately know the 405 now. And the 110. And I think there was a 105, too. Oh, LA. I do kind of miss your tacky bizarro world charm.). Smithson might not make it out of there alive, as she is in clear danger of being suffocated by posterboard.

(And Someone was holding up a 3-D sign asking Adam, Can I Be Your Eve?)

Wow. Ok. Let’s get on with this shit show. Isn’t it time for a horrible group sing? Of course it is!

Top 13
So What

And everyone is in white. And everyone looks like a douchebag. And I really hope Casper gets her period on national TV because she’s wearing all white and I hate Casper.

WHY OH WHY DOES QUATTO THE MOLE KEEP HIDING FROM ME???

They even gave Jasmine Murray a solo, but most of the solo camera shots were on Lambert. But I’m glad we got to see a little of Jorge Nunez, whose natural enthusiasm and effervensence always makes me smile.

I guess there was a commercial or something, but now David Cook is there. And people are swaying. Cook is singing Permanent, which I believe is dedicated to his brother who recently died after a 10-year battle with brain cancer. All proceeds from downloading the song will be donated to ABC2, a cancer charity.

There is something I like about David Cook. I can’t help it. Whatevia. Poor guy has some of the most batshit crazy fans, but hey, I give him credit for trying to ellude them and their stalker tactics. I have hope for him, although I wonder if the black armband is a bit over-the-top? Well. I’m gonna cut him some slack since his brother just died. And frankly, I’ve just always kind of been rooting for David Cook to make it.

GOLDEN IDOL AWARDS?

Outstanding Male
Will Kunick
Michael Gurr (I remember him! He needed to eat the banana, right? There was some guy who needed to eat a banana.)
Elijah Scarlett
Dean-Anthony Bradford
Normund Gentle

Ok. This is sad. I think I remembered all of them. Wait. Except this Dean-Anthony person. And I totally would have remembered that one. I have never seen him before. Oh wait…carpet matches the drapes…this does ring a bell.

HOWEVER, we all know there is only ONE TRUE OUTSTANDING MALE. And that is the one, the only Normund fraking Gentle.

Why oh why did he not make it to the Top 13???

(And I assume Twatiana del Toro will be receiving the Outstanding Female award, right?)

I love you, Normund. I will love you forever and I’m telling you I’m not going. YES! YES! YES!

And this is just one reason why Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell will go down as one of the greatest contestants in the history of this shit show.

I want that perch. That is power.

Sorry, Seacrest. You just can’t pull off the Greatness of Gentle.

And now onto someone awesome singing with someone mediocre…

Cue The Rain
Lil Rounds & Queen Latifah

I’m sorry. Lil Rounds may be a perfectly nice chick with an adorable family, but come on? Making QUEEN LATIFAH take the stage with her? Are you serious? Yeah, I guess you are. Since I’m watching it.

Here is irrefutable proof: Queen Latifah is such a goddess, she can pull off intense spandex with nary a camel toe. You, Lil Rounds, cannot.

Maybe its more that I’m paying attention to her exquisite talent that a camel toe is meaningless. Because if you’re gonna sport camel toe, you better have the vocal chops to distract from the camel toe. And that’s a lesson we all can live by, so remember it. But its doesn’t take camel toe to prove how superior Queen Latifah is to Ms. Rounds, as she basically wipes the stage with her not-so-Lil ass as fast as you can say Easy, Breezy, Cover Girl.

(Ok. I can sooo not wait for Terminator: Salvation. That might be #1 on my to-do list for the next 48 hours.)

I’m Yours
Casper, Anoop & Jason Mraz…and the rest of the contestants

Nooooo. I can’t take this Jason Mraz song any more. Poor Anoop. Hell, poor Jason Mraz, poor guys are forced to share the stage with Casper Twat, who manages to dirty herself up more every time I see her, hell, I swear those poor dudes…and wait! The rest of them are there now, too! They’re all gonna catch Casper VD, which is why I suspect Quatto has been undercover lately. Poor Quatto has been using every antibiotic ointment possible but he still can’t get rid of that awful itch.

Now let’s take a walk down memory lane with Hot By Default. Although I’m kind of excited to see his audition…but I don’t think we’re gonna get to? Have we ever seen his audition?

Yes! M.R.S. Allen is rubbing her hands together with glee, as she may be envisioning her future in Hollywood. Yes, sweetie, a girl can dream, but honey, I just don’t think you have what it takes. But I wish you the best of luck. Of course, couldn’t you have gotten a good spray tan at some point?

Kiss A Girl
Kris Allen & Keith Urban

I still don’t understand this pairing, except for the fact they both play guitar, are slender white dudes and both have wives with minimal facial movement. I think Idol is trying to angle poor HBD as a country singer, since you know, he’s from Arkansas and Sarver was never gonna get very far. Oh, Idol, and you claim to know the artist HBD will be, yet…I suspect you have alterior motives. Because Urban isn’t country-country. He’s from Australia! And gets Adult Contemporary airtime! Sneaky, Idol, very sneaky.

Jesus Christ, I hate this stupid Fergie song.

Glamorous / Blanket Song
Female Idol Contestants & Fergie…eventually with The Black Eyed Peas

Hey, Casper. You will NEVER be as hot as Megan Joy so just give it up and go back to your trailer. And I know that thing you’re wearing in your hair was removed from the grill of your pickup so don’t even play.

OH NO! No Fergie is singing that god-awful song about the blanket and crying and I just hope she doesn’t piss on herself. Granted, Fergie looks better as a brunette. The rest of the Black-Eyed Peas are allowed to come on stage. Well, thank flying spaghetti monster. Of course, I was really hoping they would sing Let’s Get Retarded as a dedication to Shit For Brains DioGuardi.

I think there was some sort of technical malfunction, or something was censored (Did Fergie pee?) which just prolonged the boredom and I am so wondering how Fergie got to be as popular as she is, did she blow some important industry types during her Kids Incorporated days? I’m CLUELESS. Because this chick just…she can’t dance, she sings songs about blankets and she pissed on herself in public. Yet, here I sit in my apartment. I’ve pulled all those antics and then some and not one goddamn city will give me a key.

More Golden Idols

Best Attitude

Bikini Butterface (Roadwhore)
Alexis Cohen (The chick who gives the finger. I liked her.)
Tiffany Shedd (Roadwhore)

I’m assuming this goes to Bikini Butterface…who will wear a bikini…BIG SURPRISE. Seriously? (Simon mouths out wow to Randy.) Must we encourage this Butterface and her delusions of grandeur?

Because she had to maul Seacrest. Just put her on Sunset Tan, Seacrest. She would fit right in.

I was gonna ask you what’s new but now I know.

And that might have been one of the more amusing things Seacrest has ever said. How sweet. Her faux-Idol fame (Andy Warhol never accounted for reality TV in his prediction, because losers like this don’t get 15 minutes of fame, they get 5 if they’re lucky. And I think she’s at 4:59 right now.)

Why the hell are these people letting her sing? Ugh. And the bitch looks more worn than before. Then OMG! Shit For Brains comes out on stage, looking as if she just did the walk of shame again.

This is fabulous. Two twats humiliating themselves on national TV. Oh Shit For Brains, you just NEVER learn. You wrote a shit coronation song EVERYONE loathes and THEN you go in full-cougar mode on stage and strip down to your own bikini.

Wow. That was just…that was amazing. Kara Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you never cease to amaze me. If humiliating oneself can be classified as artistry, you’re fraking Michaelangelo. (Charity my ass. You just wanted to show everyone hat you looked like in a bikini.)

Even David Cook and his buddies wonder what they just watched! This will probably be the only nice thing I ever say about Bikini Butterface or Shit For Brains, but I certainly hope they’ve seen bodies that good since being on tour, because I’ve seen photos of the ones who’ve let it all hang out at their shows.

Let’s wash that taste out of mouths with a little talent now, shall we?

Time After Time
Allison Iraheta & Cyndi Lauper

This is totally sweet. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper. And its a duet which works, even though La Princesa is so very young, she still exhibits a, dare I say, star quality that goes beyond experience. Lil Rounds may be several years older, but watching her with Queen Latifah just proved how Lil her “star quality” is. Watching La Princesa with Lauper, well, it just works.

And now we get to talk to HBD’s parents. I’m not sure about Momma Allen’s dress, well, on her, but…I just love his parents. They’re just too damn cute. And where or where did the wife go? I can understand if no one wants to hear her speak, I mean, can she?

And now we have Lambert’s adorable parents, but just as we’re settling down for a lovely little chat, it’s cut devestatingly short!

NOOOOOOO

Hello / Lionel Richie Medley
Danny Gokey & Lionel Richie

WHY OH WHY are you letting Gokey duet with Richie when it should only be sung by Richie and / or David Cook in any Idol format. And I’m sorry, but you cannot karaoke it without a goddamn sculpted Richie head. It just doesn’t work that way.

And Richie isn’t even singing Hello! Blasphemy! And I don’t even know what this song is, which makes me feel kind of bad. Oh well. I know what will make me feel better. Blind people sculpting shit makes me feel better.

As does the greatest video ever made…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74

Now they’re singing All Night Long. I know that one. But can someone please bring out a sculpted head? You know Blind Guy sculpts shit because he’s a fraking genius with a bunch of degrees and interests. Sadly, I do not get the sculpted head I always wanted (Hell, I might take a sculpted head over a key to the city at this point) and the song ends with a trademark Gokey WHOO.

We are now watching Adam Lambert’s Idol journey. I’m kind of pissed we were short-changed on the convo with his parents. His mom has some serious style, plus, his dad just has the driest sense of humor, but nooooo. We had to go hear Gokey do Hello without the benefit of a sculpted head.

Beth? / Detroit Rock City / I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night
Adam Lambert & Kiss

And such nice quiet vocals from Lambert singing to someone named Beth. He’s wearing something last seen on Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but I guess that’s ok when you’re on stage with Kiss.

While Kiss does look a bit ridiculous wearing all that makeup while this month’s issue of the AARP lies waiting in each of their mailboxes, they do, somehow pull it off. And for chrissake, they’ve held up a lot better than those corpses drug out for the Disco Week Results Show a month ago, right?

Black Magic Woman
Matt Giraud & Santana

While I can’t deny Santana is a mad guitarist, dude totally sold out singing shit with Rob Thomas. But tonight, he is singing with Matt Giraud (Quatto The Mole sings silently underneath the hat, desperately trying to keep from scratching himself silly over whatever it was he caught from that quickie with Casper in The Olive Garden bathroom. Manga bene!)

Oh shit. I think Quatto The Mole has heard me talking about him and got all sad and jealous or something because now my DVR is frozen in the same spot! Nooooo! Whew. Crisis adverted.

But as soon as the crisis ends, the dreadful Smooth starts up and Idol contestants are EVERYWHERE. Again, it is Lambert’s show, but wait! Jorge Nunez gets the spotlight for a moment! Go Jorge!

Yay! Charming-yet-goofy singing faces from HBD.

But when they start harmonizing, well, that just ain’t harmony I hear. That’s shit. And Casper continues to wear less clothing! Does she think if she dirties herself up even more, she’s gonna get back into the competition or something? Or at least allowed onto the tour? Its incredible! I think she was jealous of the Bikini Butterface and Shit For Brains humiliating themlselves. But Heather Locklear is in the audience and is like whatevia, I can kick your ass ya little blond twit.

FORD COMMERCIAL HELL

This is the equivilent of a sitcom clip show. Screech and HBD just sing against a backdrop of this season’s previous commercials.

And now, David Cook is going to give HBD and Screech their new Fords, which is fine with me, because now we don’t have to see the big presentation on the Idol stage. And hell, the whole “winning of the Fords” thing is soooo anti-climactic at this point now.

MOST RANDOM IDOL PAIRING / TRIO EVER

Megan Joy…Michael Sarver…and Steve Martin on banjo

Now I’ve seen Martin play banjo before, but this is just bizarro. And hey, I do love me some Steve Martin. And I love me some Megan Joy. But this shit is weird. It’s like An Idol Prarie Home Companion or some such nonsense. Naturally, Megan Joy looks beautiful, and I can’t wait until she gets even more formal vocal training and cuts a killer album. Trust me on this one. IT WILL HAPPEN.

OH FRAKING NO WAY

Ok. I gotta admit. I love this song. And I LOVE the “video”.

Do You Think I’m Sexy / Maggie Mae
Male Idol Contestants & Rod Stewart

This is ridiculous. I just…I just…well, I’m still pissed Giraud won’t lose the goddamn hat. It’s Quatto The Mole’s big night, too!

You can always count on Rod Stewart for memorable wardrobe choices. He can pull shit off Randy Jackson only DREAMS of doing. And hell, he’s Rod Stewart, which means he doesn’t even have to sing with any of them.

The Final Golden Idol Award of the Evening

Outstanding Female (as if we don’t already know)

Chelsea Marquadt
Irene Angrelova
Dana Moreno
Tatiana Nicole del Toro (I’m sorry. I will always hate Twatiana, even if I can appreciate the comedic value in her existence.)

Gee…I wonder, maybe since Paula announced it on HSN last night, it’s just even LESS surprising.

Ruben Studdard wonders what the hell is going on…

While Twatiana sings her signature Whitney shit and gets “taken off the stage”. Lame. But I still the think the twit could have work a dress that fit properly…and wasn’t in a wintery shade.

Wow. It’s almost over. And one of those poor guys is gonna have to sing that god-awful song again, er, I mean, one of these lucky bastards will be the NEW AMERICAN IDOL.

But first…a duet! (I was hoping for Paint It Black, but…)

We Are The Champions
Adam Lambert & Kris Allen…with what is left of Queen

More dry ice! A big black choir! Fallen Idol contestants kept at bay on the steps above (watch out for that Casper, she still thinks she might win the whole damn thing by a write-in vote).

And Gokey, are you watching? This is how you’re supposed to sing a duet. Holy shit. I just realized I was sitting here with an honest-to-goodness smile on my face.

I’m still smiling, even though I had to see Casper again, and Paula and Shit For Brains feign friendliness, almost messing up such a lovely vision of Adam Lambert, Brian May and Kris Allen in smoke-filled bliss.

Simon Cowell’s last words:

I thought you were both brilliant, unusually incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future is all yours.

And here is the envelope, but I totally don’t think Lambert or HBD care, even though there was a world record or something with nearly 100 million votes cast.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. (Yeah. I said fuck this time. I bypassed frak because of the magnitude.) See, somehow, somehow…I JUST KNEW.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

Right now, a bunch of Lambert tards are probably whipping up batches of Flavor Aid in their Guyana of their feeble little minds.

It feels good man, but…Adam deserves this. I’m sorry! I don’t even know what to feel right now.

HBD can’t believe it! Neither can the judges! Neither can his family! Except, M.R.S. Katy Allen, I think. I see visions of fame dancing in her eyes, don’t you? I bet she once whispered in his ear during a church retreat back when they were fifteen, I’ve just always wanted a boy who could get me out of little old Arkansas.

Megan! Stop hugging Casper! You’re gonna catch something! (Notice how while all the other contestants are staring at Kris, Casper is staring at the camera.)

The judges, well…Simon isn’t very good at hiding his disbelief or disappointment, now is he?

Poor HBD. Now he has to sing that shitateous song. And he’s sooo not grinning because he won, that’s the smile of a guy who can’t believe he actually has to utter such drivel about hurricanes and mountains in front of a packed out and millions of at-home viewers.

In the four seasons I’ve watched American Idol, there has never been a finale where I thought both the contestants deserved to be there. So tonight, well, I kind of enjoyed it, and never have I ever seen such a charming what-am-I-doing here acceptance “speech” as that of Hot By Default’s.

Do I think a bunch of Christian zealots voted in droves to ensure HBD would triumph over Lambert once Gokey was out? Not really. I think it may have had a bit more to do with the constant pimping of Adam Lambert, which, as in last year’s finale, probably drove a lot of people away from David Archuleta as well. The world is full of sheeple, but sometimes, even sheeple don’t want to take their orders from talking heads. (So VFTW! Yay! Victory is also yours!)

So you know what? I stand by what I said last night. Both of these guys won. Conway and California. Guy-Next-Door and Guyliner. Believer and Fudgepacker. They’re both gonna make records. They’ve both received a brand new Ford hybrid. And they’ve both gotten themselves a cadre of batshit crazy fans who will follow them to the edge of the earth and back again.

So quit your bitching. They’re both winners.

But good job, Sheeple. Not only did you get the Final Two right, but you made it a somewhat memorable Idol finale for even this black-hearted hater.

Spread the word. Do it.

Of course, while the show was rather dull, there was still the expected terror brought about by the group sing and a laughable Ford commercial. And obviously, we were also lucky enough to witness the stunning defeat of Malnourished Casper Twat!

Yay! If there was any truth in that story about the Final Four being pre-chosen, then I’m glad it came out. ESPECIALLY if Casper was the sacrificial lamb. Now I don’t have to see her again, until she becomes the next female Idol contestant with blond and / or “funky” hair to take up residence in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

Usually, I feel a bit sorry for the kiddies when their time is up, even after making fun of them for their entire duration on the show. Other times, I do not. I cry out good riddance! Get off my TV you conceited nitwit!

And that’s how I feel about Casper. Casper was a legend in her own mind. And I must admit, I am full of glee with the fact this idiot not only blew it so early in the game because of her over-confidence and shitty personality, but because she DID NOT EVEN MAKE THE TOUR! Yay! Buh-bye, Casper, buh-bye. Go back to your trailer park. Like most trailer parks, I’m sure it needs a bit more dirtying up.

Unfortunately, on the group sing, they stuck Blind Guy on the piano. Alas. Doesn’t the guy have more dance training than the rest of these yahoos? Of course, as with every group sing, unintentional hilarity abounds.

The girls serenade the judges while Randy takes it in with moronic glee.

Let’s see a few shots of the goddess known as Tattooed Mormon Joy (Hey, it’s just easier this way because she is likely to change her name again next week.) Matt Girard is in these, too. But he’s not as awesome as Tattooed Mormon Joy. Don’t forget to check out Sarver in the background. PRICELESS!

Oh Jesus. These two. Speaking of Jesus, did he drive Gokey to the studio tonight?

I love Alison Iraheta. I love Anoop Desai. And when I see them like this, more than anything I want to sing drunken karaoke with them. Seriously. How fun would drunken karaoke be with La Princesa del Mariachi and ANOOP??

So they put some people in the Bottom 3, starting with Alison and Michael Sarver. Then some other people were safe and I began rubbing my hands in glee knowing Casper would be joining them in Idol Hell.

Of course, since Ryan knows who is going home beforehand (or who will have to sing for their life), I wonder if he was trying to send a signal early on. Like when he was introducing the Ford commercial.

Of course, he could just really like the color pink. Or pink sacs…Or pink teabags…Or all of the above…But I want to believe he was just trying to let us know Casper would not be haunting the Idol stage for much longer.

And then the Ford commercial started. I took this photo last night. I got a huge kick out of watching Blind Guy chase the car, obviously, as this was the only thing I could fully type while the keyboard moved around in front of me.

And this just cracked my ass up for some reason. I mean look at it. It’s like Sesame Street or something. And it made me giggle.

Ok. So back to the show. Yes, yes. Casper was sent packing. Let’s laugh at her misery.

What’s even better is that she really thought the judges were going to save her. Simon taunted her. I was scared for a second, but come on. Saving her would screw up the Tour since that’s Top 10. So they would have to eliminate 2 people next week and it would be all sad and shit, since all the kiddies would have spent yet another week bonding in the grandiose Idol Manse.

Now it was kind of fun to see the Goodbye Dinner. Yeah, because I’m a sappy chump sometimes. And Jorge and Jasmine were so sweet. I hope they have good lives. Jorge would have lasted longer had he not been thrown under the bus by the songlist bullshit and if the all-mighty Frauen could like someone with more pigment in their skin than David Cook. Of course, this also means we’re gonna have to see Casper for a few moments next week, but its the small price to pay for a spring of prime time TV without her annoying ass polluting my living room every week.

Yes. Casper. I will laugh at your misery one more time. I apologize, but I just didn’t like you very much. And ha ha ha. Your Megan Joy Voodoo Doll? DID NOT WORK!!! So get out of our faces, Casper. Go to Nashville and buy some new boobs. They will look awesome with your trailer.

Spread the word. Do it.

Oh, Idol. I didn’t even discover Kelly Clarkson until 2005, but she is still the best thing to ever come out of this shit show.

Kara DioGuardi looks like a cougar at a funeral. The one who gets tipsy at the post-burial gathering and hits on your cousin Ted by cornering him in the hallway, breathlessly telling him I’m so soorrrryyy for your loss while steadying herself against the dead family matron’s favorite Thomas Kinkade.

Is the bitch shilling for Cache now? Or is she just pillaging Joan Collins’ garbage?

Alas. Joan Collins rules. And Kara, you are no Joan Collins.

Ryan talks about the OMG NEW RULE. The Judges’ Save. They can jump in and save a contestant who is unfairly eliminated, and no one will go home that week. But on the following week, two will be eliminated. Yawn. Already read about this today.

We get to see the contestants move into some super big mansion, so it confuses me that they’re forced to share rooms in a place with this much square footage. Granted, a lot of that was taken up by a couple of pools, a bowling alley, small stage and some jacuzzi tubs.

If this show wanted to actually be entertaining, they should really copy the UK’s Big Brother, utilizing the Fox Reality Channel after this shitfest airs, since no one ever actually watches that shit. That way, we can watch the contestants at night and see their true colors emerge under the reassuring glow of infrared lighting late at night. America will finally see what a twat Alexis Grace happens to be and maybe be can be treated to some Realist vs. Fundie battles, a la America’s Next Top Model.

I might actually watch that shit.

And tonight’s torture begins…with a medley of Jackson 5 hits!

Oh Idol, you are too, too cruel. 

Poor Man’s Timberlake and Jorge bust out some Jackson-esque dance moves to kick off the cacophony, handing it off to judges’ pets My-Ass-is-Not-Lil Rounds and Malnourished Casper Twat. Then Sarver and Gokey get into the groove. How much do you want to bet they pray immediately before they take the stage?

Baby Jesus, this song is for YOU!

Gokey keeps trying to dance. The choreography is miserable, however, this is a constant of Idol Group Sings. I also want to hit myself for wondering why the cameraman didn’t zoom in on Scott MacIntyre during the lyric: Oh, darlin, I was blind to let you go.

Come on. You know you thought about it, too.

Another Wednesday, Another Nightmare

As the ambitious young Idols transition into ABC, I realize how awesome it would be to watch a Katie Holmes vs. Jasmine Murray Robot Showdown. I’m not sure what they would do exactly, besides be robotic. But it could be really funny. Every time I see either of them, I long for the warm, loving arms and wise, knowing eyes of a Centurion. 

Hell, Cylon Centurions had their inhibitors removed, giving them the power of reason. Which gives them the leg up on Jasmine Murray and Katie Holmes.

I really with the Centurions would storm in and attack the Idol stage right now because TBTB decided it was a really awesome idea to give Gokey a full-on dance solo.

No. Stop. Please. Stop.

Ok. Now they finally show three people I like…

I like all of you.

…Before moving on to the dumb bitch who makes the residents of your nearest trailer park look like old money bluebloods.

I do not like you.

The “hidden audition” nestled in the first round of umpteen commercial breaks was awww, Nathaniel Marshall. I hope he’s doing well. 

Ryan recaps last night’s shit show. I’m just hoping Jorge and Alison get to stay, despite DialIdol’s predictions. I’m trying to stay positive, however, since they have proclaimed ANOOP safe.

Oh who cares. Get this shit show going. I just want to see Scott MacIntyre driving in a Ford in the first of many horrendous Ford commercials and obviously, what exquisite jewelry Paula is wearing from the Paula Abdul Collection.

Idol contestants superimposed on buildings while forcing Freddie Mercury to turn over in his grave…Adam Lambert’s head on a car…way too much Malnourished Casper Twat…

Giving head on Idol

Michael Sarver is safe…yawn…although this does mean I get a couple more Armageddon quotes in this season…

Uh, Noonan’s got two women friends that he’d like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that’s gonna work, but, uh, let’s see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week’s Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s Palace. Um – hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? 

La Princesa del Mariachi is safe! Yay! I love Alison Iraheta.

Please oh please oh please say Jasmine Murray is in the Bottom 3…YES YES YES!!!!

Poor Man’s Timberlake is safe…

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy and Tattooed Mormon Joy are forced to stand up…our poor, sweet caw-ing beauty is in the bottom 2 with Miss Teen America Robot…and…

YAY! Tattooed Mormon Joy is allowed to stay and caw another week! Whoo hoo! (See, you guys really need to listen to Chris Kirkham and Greg the Rabbit!) Miss Teen America Robot is sent back to the Basestar…but she is forced to sing once more so the judges can decide whether or not they want to save her. Oh, come on. Like they’re gonna waste their one save on the first one to go. Paula will tell her she looks beautiful. Then they will say, bye bye, Miss Teen America Robot, go back to your Basestar. 

Back to your Basestar

Oh, I was wrong. They let Randy do all the talking. Because Randy is black and so is Jasmine. My heartstrings almost get slightly pulled when Miss Teen America Robot starts crying and Seacrest tries consoling her, because frankly, I think its the most emotions I’ve ever seen either of them display. I’m waiting for wires to start popping out, repeated, monotone cries of does not compute, does not compute.

Yeah. Jasmine was a waste of that Wild Card slot. Told you. Now go give Ju’not Joyner a call to fill your quota. That dude deserved it. He took a cortisone shot in the ass for you, Idol! Oh, and I’m glad Jesse Langseth got sent back to Minnesota so you could have OMG SHE IS SO COMMERCIAL Miss Teen America Robot in the competition.

Whatevia. She’s gone. Moving on…I can’t really feel bad because she deserved to go home and I just want the kid to go to college and do good for herself. See? I’m totally caring!

I’m kind of surprised Kanye West is slumming it on Idol. I do love this song. The guy may be a pompous prick but he’s an innovative musical genius when it comes down to it. He’s doing okay, phoning it in, I guess. But that’s kind of better than 99% of everything on this crapfest.

I swear, idiot teenagers will scream over anyone or anything. It seems they’ve been allowed at the judges’ table because the judges are nowhere to be found (i.e., Simon needs a Marlboro Light and Paula needs to chase down a valium with the Popov Vodka she stole from Debbie the Stage Manager or Kieran the Light Guy, and this shit is taped beforehand).

I must say, I am enjoying how Kanye taunts and teases the teenagers without letting them touch him. Yeah, you best not be touching Kanye. 

I almost make faded denim look cool

Commercial break…

Scott MacIntyre is safe. (Please let him dance with his walking stick or drive next week. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

Obviously, yet unfortunately, Malnourished Casper Twat is safe. (And I realize the “Bottom 2″ will be Jorge and Anoop. Ugh. I hate you America.)

Gokey is safe. Duh.

Anoop, Adam, Jorge and Lil are left. Seacrest, of course, sends Anoop to the middle. Poor Jorge is toast. Puerto Rico should have voted harder.

Obviously, Adam Lambert is safe. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

Whatever, poor Jorge still confirmed everything we knew about Idol’s shitty song lists tactics. Awww…poor Jorge knows he’s going home. Damn you, Idol. Oh, and I see you’re totally singling out the tannest dudes in the bunch. Was that intentional? Or did you just want to make us believe people listened to your bullshit critique of Anoop?

Anoop will reign supreme! At least for a few more weeks. I’m just pissed I’m gonna have to hear that god-awful Farmbot Underwood song for a SECOND time tonight.

RETURN OF THE ONLY TRUE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Kelly’s outfit kind of sucks but I still love her. Seacrest admits to singing along to My Life Will Suck Without You…which leads into the evening’s requisite homo banter between Simon and Seacrest.

I am so much better than all of you

I totally love Kelly Clarkson and I totally downloaded her album yesterday. Her music speaks to me. Especially after a few drinks. It took me awhile to deal with this, in all actuality, but I eventually accepted the fact I couldn’t hold it against her she was on this shit show and that the majority of her songs are actually good. Four years later, I have completely come to terms with my love for Kelly Clarkson and will readily admit it. Plus, its a lot of fun to sing Kelly Clarkson karaoke with my buddy KB, who also readily admits to peeing in the shower.

Although I am totally wondering if she is getting fed her lyrics? Oh come on. Like she wouldn’t know them by now…However, check out the teleprompter(?) in this scene:

I don't need the teleprompter.

I am totally loving Kara DioGuardi watch Kelly up there on stage. Jealous bitch in her Joan Collins hand-me-downs. Yeah, it wasn’t you. You didn’t become a singing superstar. Get over yourself.

Simon gives a rare standing ovation, but he’s always been Clarkson’s biggest fan.

Now back to the two tan dudes being persecuted on Idol. Predictably, Anoop is safe. And I kind of want to cry for Jorge. Poor Jorge. Stuck with a shit song he never even wanted to sing. I would have liked to have seen him stick around a little while longer. And now he has to pack all of his things and leave the grandiose mansion

Jorge, you were totally screwed.

Sad, too. You know he was probably a super nice guy who even offered to show Malnourished Casper Twat all the amazing benefits of a little sunlight. And she was probably a total stuck-up snot to him. Then she ran off to the Jacuzzi to bathe in blood, as she does every evening.

Paula, dressed in her bordello finest and donning her best Paula Abdul Collection jewelry outstretches her arms for a final time, just as any good cougar would do when a young, nubile ballader is about to leave her embrace.

Please buy my jewelry

Paula and Kara should really think about starting up a Cougar Cruise, kind of like what Rosie O’Donnell did, but more like taking a ship full of cougars to the world’s most stunning ports of female sex tourism.

Come on, you know you love Paula. Who doesn’t love Paula?

But I kind of want to cry a few little tears right now. America, you are sooo racist.  

And Idol, you so screwed that poor kid with your shitty song list. I am so sending my army of Cenurions after your ass.

And then I’m gonna send Harry Stamper in. And he’s gonna drill. And he’s the bravest man you never met. 

Spread the word. Do it.

Why do they let Randy talk? Oh jesus, does this man lie. He thinks this is the first time “any one of the Top 13 could win the whole thing.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Yeah. Jasmine Murray could win this entire thing. Yeahhhhhhh.

Lucid Paula has been surprisingly good with her criticism, but hey, I’ve always thought Paula gave more pertinent advice than Randy. In any case, I’ve been feeling quite nostalgic for the days of Percocet Paula and am hoping her dress is a sign of things to come because basically, you would have to be taking some good pills to publicly don an ensemble clearly inspired by a bird strangling itself in gilded ivy.

So does this mean Alexis Grace is in the pimp spot? Gag me. And Simon breaks the news that TWO people are going home tomorrow. Uh, yeah. I think I read that like, last week.

Let’s watch people screaming for Michael Jackson without mentioning the whole kid touching thing.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Do you think Lil Rounds chats about BBQ with Anoop? If my last name was Rounds and I had three kids, you should know I would not have passed up a chance to name one Ground. And yes, she is singing The Way You Make Me Feel. Her outfit makes me feel yucky. Sweetie. Why did you cut up a Mandrell Sister hand-me-down and pair it with high-waisted pants when your have a generously-sized ass?

Drink every time Randy says, you know what’s great about you? I don’t really know what he was talking about when he said she put a brand-new spin on it. It sounded like the original, except Lil Rounds was singing it. Don’t get me wrong, I think she has a fairly decent voice, but I also think she’s been a bit overhyped. Her performance was fine, but I’ll forget about it in about 10 minutes.

Glam squad, way to go?? Oh yeah. Coming from the chick wearing a bird strangled in gilded ivy. This should be enough for Lil to know she lose that look. Simon, naturally, is completely right on and also says she looks like shit.

But I’m buoyed by the hope Paula’s ridiculous comments indicate she’s at least drunk, so this night could very well improve.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep the Faith

My friend Rachel has already text me to say he kind of sucks, but I can’t hate on the blind guy. Although he is singing a song I don’t know and the word faith is part of the title, I still don’t want to hate on the blind guy. But I pretty much hate this song and am inclined to agree with Rachel a bit. I’m also starting to wonder the reasons why Scott adores wearing military-esque jackets. Interesting. Yeah, I can’t hate on the blind guy. The dude danced with a walking stick, for chrissake.

Simon hated the song. Because no one knows it. SNAP.

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Yup. Simon pretty much just summed up this entire show in eight words. Brilliant.

Rachel points out that it looks as if Paula is wearing Liberace’s dog tag. YES! YES! YES! Who doesn’t love the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection

Danny Gokey
P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)

Oh phooey. We only got to see Gokey’s family tonight! Damn. Bet they’re saving Pastor Rolex for next week. Wow. Now I am also a bit disappointed Gokey’s glasses don’t match his shirt completely, and frankly, using two different shades of burgundy is a tad distracting. He should have gone with the black pair to highlight the black tweed in the blazer, although that tattooed eagle on the back makes me want to build a time machine so I can go back in time and prevent Ed Hardy’s birth.

Yeah. I’m just having too much fun critiquing wardrobe selection this evening.

Gokey’s voice is solid, yet, I can see how his performance style was clearly developed in a theatrical church setting. He does know how to play to a crowd in a very church-like way. His dancing…uh…um…yeah. I finally get why his dead wife compared him to Taylor Hicks. (Hmmm…I wonder if he, too, will be forced to go out on a faux-date as ordered by Regis & Kelly.)

I think Paula just got a refill. I also think she climaxed during his performance. She is a bit flushed. She also says he’s going to the finals (as she claims she also did with Farmbot Underwood). All the judges sing his praises. It’s a big obnoxious to watch them slobbering over one another. Subsequent shots of Paula add credence to my belief she climaxed during his performance. She even offers to choreograph him. Bom chicka bom bom.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

Yay! Roughnecks. And oh, Michael didn’t have a Daddy. Pimp that tragic back story, roughneck boy! Your mother knows how to play the game, take a lesson from your momma.

Ballads bore me to tears. He was fine, I guess. Simon is tired of the roughneck story but goddamnit! Roughnecks are more fun than churchgoers! And the longer this guy stays in, the more I can quote Armageddon! The judges all like him and say how nice he is, blah blah blah…

(I am wondering if Go-To-Church-With-The-Idols will be next week’s pre-song packages. Or maybe Idol realized we don’t want to see these people’s houses of worship.)

Oh man. Well, we all gotta die right? I’m the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

OMG! YES! We’ve got a behind-the-scenes look at how Tranny Cake Makeup is actually applied! (Or they’re just using B-Roll from RuPaul’s Drag Race.)

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

It would have been cooler if Adam Lambert was doing her makeup, yet I’m still frightened by someone so young using so much damn makeup. Pageant Girl is starting to make Tyra Banks look like the epitome of earthy, au natural beauty. Ah, the Wild Card contestants will have to do with taped greetings from their families acting surprised and happy while watching them perform on the show during daylight hours.

This girl might be able to sing, but she’s so ridiculously boring. Too technical, too rehearsed. Too damn pageanty.

Oh for chrissake, I hate it when Randy has to talk about his past accomplishments, just in hopes people might stop thinking he’s a boob. Blah blah blah. Now we have to listen to Kara. Blah blah blah. Why is some chick who never made it as a solo artist talking about stage presence? All this twit talks about is stage presence and radio play, being commercial and being a package artist. All this chick makes me think of is the movie Grace of My Heart. Except I would so much rather go shopping with Illeana Douglas any day over Kara DioGuardi.

Let’s just look at Paula again because it’s fun and I’m bored!

Simon thinks she’s robotic. Yeah, Simon, I keep waiting for smoke to start coming out of her head and wires to start popping out of her ears, too!

Alison Iraheta is after the part of my heart reserved only for Joanne Polniaczek.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy doesn’t think Conway Arkansas is that small, but I swear I only saw one streetlight. Obviously, he busted his singing chops in church and with the rest of his family. In church. Here’s a family portrait of the Allen men being musical. I just keep wondering why they have a desktop PC clearly bought in 1998 and whether or not Compuserve still exists.

I’m going to venture that Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy’s wife is employed as an elementary school teacher. Hot-By-Defaut Fundie Boy’s wife embodies the traits of ever elementary education major you met while in college — bland sorority girl “cuteness” coupled by overwhelming desire to marry young and have picture-perfect abode by age 25, 2.2 kids by age 28. Oh. Lest I forget the overwhelming desire to show off your cheesy-ass wedding gifts to anyone that comes over.

Their three future children’s names will, of course, also begin with the letter “K”.

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy is like some bizarro cylon-created hybrid of a somewhat cute, churchgoing, singing, guitar-playing boy I attended high school with who dated my friend Michie during freshman year before growing up to become a youth minister AND this sleazy almost-divorced idiot I knew a few years ago.

I guess his performance was fine, hell, it was better than the original just because I hate the original and can only remember some mind-numbing video about Egypt when I think about it. So it’s not great, I don’t know. I was still kind of distracted by his bizarro hybrid-ness. Paula says Simon is undressing her when you and I both know, she’s just hammered and her feathers are falling and sticking to the remnants of her Gokey-gasm.

Alison Iraheta
Give Into Me

Oh come on. Did we really need subtitles for this chick’s father? Just because he’s kind of dark, right? But hello? How much do you love Alison Iraheta’s big clearance furniture store concert??

I know she’s probably getting her hair dyed professionally by this point, but whenever I look at her, I just think about that issue of Sassy magazine where one of the beauty tips was DIY haircolor using Kool Aid.

I totally do not know this song, but I sincerely like this kid’s voice. And her look suits her much more than that nitwit Alexis Grace.

Paula is starting with the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 comments. Groan. Oh, I think she has been doing it since she was 2 — hasn’t Paula seen La Princessa del Mariachi? YES! Alison make an awesomely awkward joke about not being a cutter when Simon told her to lighten up. It’s okay, Alison. I totally laughed, too! And her facial expressions are FANTASTIC. She is soooooo my favorite girl on this show.

Oh how absolutely beautiful. Anoop was backstage Thriller dancing before the break. Love it. Love it.

Anoop Desai
Beat It

How can you not love Anoop? He’s a Hindu in a master’s program at UNC. How can you not love Anoop’s parents? And yes! He is singing Beat It! I cannot wait for his dancing! He even has the turned-up 80s collar. Whoa, Idol. Love how you’re giving the smart Indian dude a Matrix-inspired backdrop. I still want to know how these are chosen, I mean, Lambert gets rainbows and Gokey gets heavenly clouds, so…

Anoop is entertaining. And energetic. He also gives faux-frak you attitude. Love him. I don’t care what anyone says. They are so gonna hate it. Oh come on, Paula. Why the hell did you give them Michael Jackson night and not let them do Beat It? You gave them the song list and said choose. What? You can’t see the entertainment value of his version? YES! Vote for Anoop! Bring his ass back next week! Oh Kara, actually, he did do some variant notes and shit. And come on. How gracious and polite is this kid? And Simon regrets putting him in the Top 13? NOOOOOO!!!! See? How can you win with these people?

Jorge Nunez
Never Can Say Goodbye

I like Jorge for some reason. Ballads bore me, but he’s the kind of person I like seeing get kind of far on a shit show like this, as he’s not had much formal singing training and is truly “undiscovered”. Plus, why not get a true Spanish singer on here? Let’s have them ALL sing in Spanish one night. That would be phenomenal.

Kara is whispering to Paula about something over at the judges table. Probably about cougar-y stuff. Jorge kind of had a rough note at one point, so I know Randy will throw out pitchy, and I don’t care much for this song, but I still want to see him stick around. Come on, Idol! Give Puerto Rico something to be proud of. Jennifer “I’m not a Scientologist” Lopez and Skeletor are bringing the Commonwealth down!

YES! YES! YES! I love Jorge right now. Yes, English is not his first language, which makes it even more beautiful, because it all seems so innocent. He basically admits that they’re given a piss-poor list to choose from. YES! YES! YES! They’ll probably show him the door after his exquisite honesty, but as far as I’m concerned, he blatantly admitted what a huge sham this whole shit show is.

Meghan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Tattooed Blonde Mormon Chick has wisely decided to dress like Katy Perry. And why are all Mormon mothers blonde and MILF-y? At least all the Mormon mothers of people on reality TV. I don’t meet many Mormons on the street, although I did one of those temple tours once, which was a bit freaky. So you know, my Mormon knowledge as an adult pretty much extends to things I read on the interweb, South Park and televised talent shows (AI and So You Think You Can Dance, which I watched the last season and was pleasantly surprised).

Tattooed Mormon Joy does Rockin Robin to showcase her cutesiness and youthful buoyancy, but I’m always partial to tattooed Idol contestants, as well as those with “wacky” hair. I think she might have a few pitch problems? And this kind of blows because I’m totally bored. But I like her awkward dancing and OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

CAW! CAW! CAW! She CAWED!!! WHAT THE FRAK WAS THAT? CAW! CAW! CAW!

Simon hates it. Oh, Simon, you just hated the caw-ing. How can you hate the caw-ing? Now they’re asking Gordon Ramsey what he thinks. But he didn’t yell and he had no mic so…

Is this over yet?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

One of the reasons I’m partial to Adam is that I also know what it’s like to hate one’s light-colored hair. I wonder if he chose this song because well, come on! Look at how he sang the song about equality?? This is the closest thing to a coming out EVER seen on Idol. He’s clearly not hiding anything. Sweet. Sure, I can see where some people may call him screechy, but he’s fun. He knows how to perform. The guy has talent. And yeah. I totally dig the fact he is a gay jew. Take that Fundie Idol!

But yeah, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white. Or gay. Or straight.

Paula thinks he is the most seasoned stage performer in the history of Idol. She also loves the way he marries fashion with music, which is punctuated by her showcasing not one but TWO pieces from the Paula Abdul Collection!

Are you ready for your closeup, tacky cubic-zirconia door-knocker ring and Liberace’s dog tag? Adam has been moved to tears. She also has essentially predicted an Adam vs. Danny finals. Simon thinks he was in a totally different league than everybody else. Well, true. The guy is talented and he is experienced. And if the only way to make Captain EO work is to be over-the-top, come on, give Anoop some credit! Randy is in man-love with Adam. Kara hopes Michael Jackson is watching this tonight, although I doubt he’ll be very excited. Lambert is totally too old for MJ.

Hmmm…if Jorge and Anoop are voted off, I call bullshit. Idol is clearly trying to boot the tannest guys in the bunch.

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Judging from his family videos, I’m gonna venture a guess and say Matt Giraud is a mean ping pong player. Giraud might also get the award for making the biggest awkward-to-not-awkward transformation from adolescence to adulthood. Naturally, Giraud is playing Human Nature on the piano. I can kind of see where this guy might pick up some comparisons to Justin Timberlake, in all honesty. Plus, Paula is swaying listlessly at the judge’s table, which is always a good sign. And he hits some high notes which Kara will cream over and Randy will call pitchy.

Is it just me, but doesn’t Human Nature always make you feel kind of skeevy when listening to it. Yup. Randy calls Timberlake and Paula & Kara want to bang him. Simon says he was solid but meat and potatoes compared to Lambert. Yawn. No surprise.

I now remembered why I find this song so damn skeevy and have ever since I was 6 or 7. It was the outfit worn by Michael Jackson to on the cover of the single. YES! Men in that much yellow can kind of make a girl get the piss shivers, ok?

Oh shoot me now. Actually, don’t shoot me. Shoot Alexis Grace, who has furthered my crusade of hatred against this stupid wannabe twit in a single shot of her primping in front of a mirror backstage. The only consolation I have is that I know my Tivo will cut off before she’s done. I can miss the judge’s pathetic fawning.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh shut the hell up already. And stop with the fake tears for your little girl. That’s so lame.

She is hurrying through this first part, I think. It sounded a little rushed, the first few bars/lyrics. This bitch reminds me of a blond Jennifer Love Hewitt and frankly, that’s one of the worst things I can ever say about a person. She’s way too full of herself for being so mediocre, much like Jennifer Love Hewitt, who inexplicably remains employed in these troubled economic times.

The only thing nice I can say about Alexis Grace is that she may have begun using a gradual self tanner, however, I think the producer’s are doing her a favor by letting her sing on a dimmed stage to create the illusion that’s she’s not frakking Casper.

I hate her. The judges will love her. Kara busts out her totally lame Carrie Bradshaw imitation and tells her she is naughty. Simon, thank flying spaghetti monster, was not impressed. He thought she was over the top (but wait…I thought that was what she was supposed to be…?) and obviously, not as good as she thought she was.

Alexis sucked donkey balls, but you know the pimp spot means the twit ain’t going anywhere.

And Idol, just because a gay dude is probably gonna win this damn thing and make you more money than most, if not all, of your other male winners doesn’t mean you’ve now become diverse. What, you think GLADD is gonna give you an award now or something? Go frak yourself. Keep the tan dudes in, too. (Spraying down Alexis Twit with Mystic soooo does not count!)

Spread the word. Do it.

I’m also not sure why a family-friendly TV show is championing a dude who is, more likely than not, a toucher. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know he was found innocent that last time, but the man is not right in the head. And if we’re gonna go with a theme night for a whack job Jehovah’s Witness, I would have preferred Prince. (Oh wow. Prince night on American Idol. Although I can’t see Darling Nikki being on any list of songs the contestants are allowed to sing. Damn.)

Anyway, here are the supposed spoiler riddles and my guesses. Since there is nothing remotely close to Beat It, I’m going to guess that will be their big group sing shit show, which won’t be so bad. Especially if they play rumble. There will be even inanity to ridicule.

Lil wants to keep us satisfied.
This must be The Way You Make Me Feel. Hmmm…I’m not sure, but now I have Death Cab For Cutie’s I Will Follow You Into The Dark in my head.

Kris is singing to all his fangirls.
Beat It? I kid, I kid. We already know Kris is gonna be beautifully-corrupted by the time his Idol run comes to a close. So let’s guess PYT (Pretty Young Thing)?

Adam is good – and you know it!
Too easy. Bad. Please say he does more than an quasi-crotch grab this week.  

Alexis is not ready to bid farewell.
I was really hoping it would be Blood on the Dance Floor. Just because I can’t stand this dumb twit and don’t give a rat’s ass what she’s going to sing.

Danny has to be careful of what he does in this round.
Uh…this one is pretty easy. Billie Jean, perhaps? But why even risk a song so memorably performed by last year’s winner. It also disregards his comments in a recent Top 13 Q&A with Entertainment Weekly. Guess he’ll go back to the old arrangement. (Some people have claimed he’s doing Wanna Be Startin’ Something and Jorge will be doing Billie Jean.)

Anoop’s doing this one for the ladies.
Please, please, oh please say Anoop will sing Smooth Criminal. (Alien Ant Farm arrangement, perhaps?) I know it won’t be In The Closet. Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough? Maybe The Girl is Mine? No clue, but does it matter? I adore Anoop!

Megan is a little wistful.
I am going to guess Remember The Time. Let’s hope she does a cool arrangement or something.

Jorge wants to give you a special feeling.
The Way You Make Me Feel is my guess. For some reason, that song doesn’t make me want to shove five Q-Tips in my ears, either. However, I am sure that’s what the spoiler for Lil Rounds also indicates, so I am going to guess a song called It’s The Feeling In Love, which was co-composed by David Foster, guaranteeing its inclusion on any Idol-Says-You-Need-To-Pick-From-These list.

Scott sees the benefit of we.
Maybe You Are Not Alone? (I really hate that song. And the beat doesn’t allow the chance for Blind Guy Moonwalking.) Or We Are The World, however, I’m really hoping this one is chosen for the shitty group sing.

Jasmine is contemplating some deep issues.
This sentence was supposed to be funny, right?  She’s young and she will do something crappy and sappy. Let’s guess Heal The World. Please say its not Human Nature.

Michael wants to assure you that he’ll be around.
I’ll Be There? That was almost way too easy. Er, I mean Got To Be There? I’ll Be There is the Hasseloff-penned and sung theme to Baywatch. My bad!

Allison may be a girly girl, but she’s got that spark!
Someone in the Dark has some lyrics about a spark. (Thank you, Google.) I hope she doesn’t light her hair on fire.

Matt is taking a long, hard look at his musical identity.
My first guess would be Man In The Mirror, but Kris Allen already sang it. So let’s go with Another Part of Me. (I have no idea what this is, mind you, I’ve just been referring to Wikipedia this whole time.)

Spread the word. Do it.

Whatevia. I’ve had a few after-work beers. And I felt the need to stop and buy a 6-pack of Red Stripe on the way home? Why? Because I just wanted one more beer, and not one that was 24 ounces. Plus, it was either that or The Captain and it’s a weeknight, I have a bunch of work to do tomorrow…so…

I don’t agree with this chosen group of 8 and I can’t wait to see oh, the majority of them bite it. I’m thankful Anoop Desai is in the “pimp spot”, despite the lack of any non-judge voting. It still says he’s in the pimp spot and will move on to the next round.

Jesse Langseth
Tell Me Something Good 

I like her. Because she’s actually frakking talented. She makes me not even want to care about the fact she wears box-knit sweaters laden with Lurex manufactured by Necessary Objects in 2005. If this is actually a vocal competition, she’s one of the best ones we’ve seen. Plus, if she makes it, we might actually get to hear good music during the Top 12.

Randy disses her. Kara translates for Randy, but she loves her swagger. She likens her to “the other side”, aka, Sasha Fierce. Because hello? Kara can only compare people to relevant black chicks who sing. Simon throws out indulgent again, although, I have a feeling he should save it for Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von Smith. Paula and Kara defend Jesse. While I’m sure they love her voice, I have a feeling they prefer stacking the Top 12 with chicks who might not be as cute as them. 

Matt Giraud
Who’s Lovin’ You

He’s totally playing up the soulful to make it through. He’s singing the Jackson 5 and wearing a hat. His voice is actually pretty decent, which may or may not be because I’ve had a few beers, yet, it still can not help the fact I think he looks like a doomed cancer patient undergoing chemo in a manipulative tearjerker directed by Mimi Leder. The fedora. The kaffiyeh…come on, Giraud. I know tragic back stories work on this shit show but Campbell Scott did it so much better in Dying Young.

Kara and Paula want to bang him. Hello, Cougar Paula. You are wearing pink-tinged leopard print. You know how you can spot cougars? They wear animal prints. I still don’t understand why the dude can’t sing Coldplay. If he likes it, how is he not him. Simon hates his ensemble and compares him to Taylor Hicks. Randy gets on his knees for him, i.e., calls him dawg and tells him that it’s hot.

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Black Horse and Cherry Tree 

Come on, haters. Can’t I get props for loving a young blonde Mormon single-mom whose middle name is Joy and who resides in some mythical place called Sandy, Utah? I like this girl and I feel absolutely no need to apologize. While I am disappointed at her song choice, as well as a few iffy notes at the beginning. Oh, why couldn’t she have chosen Winehouse??

Ugh. Not a good song choice. And now I keep thinking about Twatiana’s nasty sequined dress. Oh, Meghan Joy. That was not good. Why are you failing me like this?

Uh oh. Paula says she looks beautiful. But she says the song fit her personality. Uh…reluctant clapping. Well, Simon still likes her and thinks she’s current and SHE IS SO NOT KARAOKE. Ok, good, he admits that it’s not the best vocal. 

I can’t believe I’m backing their pimping. However, this chick soooooo needs to be in the Top 12. Yeah. She is soooooo in.

Von Smith (Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Randy)
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word 

I feel really bad but I’ve been drinking. I’m such a sinner. But I know it’s not the alcohol making me think…This kid is so gay. And that’s totally cool, however, I cannot watch Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet singing without doubling over in laughter and that has nothing to do with the fact he might like dudes. Oh for chrissake. This almost makes me want to cut myself. And I have no idea what his Maddox Jolie-Pitt Faux Hawk is doing tonight. 

Oh, ha. Simon finds him boring. I still cannot get over Paula’s neon-pink cougar print ensemble. Nor can I ignore Randy’s tacky ass, diamond-incrusted orange watch. 

Whatevia. He is so done. Where is Anoop? Of course, I have a heart and now I’m feeling kind of bad because I feel like Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet is going to start crying. And I wonder if it’s just the beer because Paula is making a lot of sense. Oh Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet, I know what it’s like to over think things, too. That’s why I stopped.

Jasmine Murray
Reflection 

I have no idea why they picked tranny-cake makeup pageant chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but come on. 

Is this a Disney song? I’ve never heard it before. But it makes me want to gag. And black out. But when I black out, all I am seeing are cartoon characters. And tranny-cake makeup sets.

Jasmine Murray. You bore me. Your voice is pleasant, perhaps, but you bore me to tears. Please, get off the stage, go back to high school, get into a good college and have a good life. Honestly, I really wish the best for you. Which is why I cannot stomach watching you sing another shit-ass ballad about cartoon characters feeling penciled-in emotion.

I have no idea why they’re semi-pimping her. Plus, Paula starts off by talking about how lovely she looks. Uh, what? Simon? What are you talking about? How was this a brave song choice? What, do you people think, because she is a pretty black girl, she reminds people of Malia or Sasha Obama or something? She’s back in the running? Uh, how??? 

Ricky Braddy
Superstition

Yeah, wait. He’s singing. Sorry. I was distracted by Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet moving his head in a circular, yet snake-like motion to the beat of the Stevie Wonder classic. Uh, ok. This kind of sucked? But it really doesn’t matter since Paula was on her feat about two or three bars in.

Alas. I still wish he was on the NASCAR circuit because, frankly, why waste such an incredible name?

Obviously, Kara wants to bang him. As does Paula. However, he’s battling it out with Giraud for the spot since the judges will be (and should be) stoned if they do not select Anoop, plus, we need a girl to make things look even. So…

Simon wasn’t feeling it. Neither was I. Can’t he just have a successful NASCAR career so I don’t feel guilty about wanting him to FAIL. Oh for chrissake. Now Randy is using the word indulgent. 

Jesus. I almost barfed in my mouth hearing Seacrest say the words dramatic and Idol dreams in such quick succession.

Tatiana del Toro
Saving All My Love For You 

Ok. Can we just give her say, $20,000 for putting on the BEST PRE-SHOW INTERVIEW OF THE NIGHT?? After seeing fellow Boricua Jorge Nunez sail through, our dear Twatiana has somehow re-discovered her hispanic accent. It only comes out on special occasions, of course, and tonight is the most special of occasions. Her heartfelt plea to America makes me feel as if I am watching one of those star-studded “telethons” held in the aftermath of 9/11 and Hurrocane Katrina. I’m even wishing Kayne West would just pop out and say American Idol hates black people. 

I am ready to sing for you, America. Thank you so much.

OH NO FRAKKING WAY. NO FRAKKING WAY. This is too incredible. She is singing Whitney Houston. Again. Did she sing this a couple of weeks ago? I think so…? Oh hell, even Whitney can’t tell her own songs apart once you give her a few bumps.

This is soooo bad. I paused it because I had a phone call, yet, I am so enamored with the judges’ collective expressions at the moment. It’s like a sad-sack freshman art student trying to evoke Edward Hopper. 

Which is kind of appropriate for Twatiana in a way, right?

Seriously. You guys wanted this chick back on stage but the amazing Normund Gentle wasn’t good enough? 

Paula is ridiculously lucid. She even calls Twatiana out on her bullshit accent. Twatiana even tries to say she’s like Jorge, like oh, when she gets emotional, her “English just starts sounding weird”.

OMG. SHUT THE FRAK UP WITH YOUR FAUX HISPANIC ACCENT. This is even more hilarious than Paula’s rhinestone-encrusted pink scarf.

Ok. Get the schizophrenic whack job Whitney wannabe off the stage.

Anoop Desai
My Perogative  

YAY! YAY! YAY! I love this frakking kid. How can you NOT let this guy through after he does that mean body role while singing the word nasty? 

America needs Anoop. (Plus, India and Indians are the NEW BIG THING. Didn’t you hear? It’s all the rage since Slumdog Millionaire.)Paula is going crazy. Yeah, Anoop, hit that high note while you even let your backup singers shine a bit. Here’s a contestant willing to share the spotlight. Here is a contestant who wrote a goddamn honors thesis on BBQ, for chrissake. 

Whatevia. You guys all know he is going through. Don’t you dare compare him to a dog, Simon.

Simon even knows he’s got to get through because people like him and frankly, their job is all about casting.

Simon even says congratulations. Randy calls him Anoop Brown Dawg, which not one of his fellows judges got until he said Bobby Brown’s cousin. Anoop is gracious enough to throw out some flirtatious quip to DioHornio to which she replies, hee haw. I gag. But I’ll let it slide because I just really want Anoop to get through to the Top 12.

How did I just now notice Paula is showcasing not ONE but TWO rings from her Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection?

Ok. Here is what we were waiting for…

Please no please no please no please no please no please no WTF?

Tranny-cake makeup pageant queen Jasmine Murray???

Ricky Braddy gets the shaft, but Jasmine Murrary gets in? 

Some suspenseful bullshit with Meghan Corkrey and Twatiana. If you even choose Twatiana…

Ok. This absolutely made my night. Oh my frakking god. I am in heaven. Once Meghan’s name is called, Twatiana is inconsolable, while Meghan Corkrey gives her a hug. Blah, blah, blah. Now let’s flash to the red room and to one of my personal favorites of this competition, Kai Kalama.

Look at the exquisite glee on this young man’s face! It is a face of joyous laughter. 

Paula basically admits Twatiana is a big ol’ joke, going as far as saying they’ve “had a lot of fun with her”. Beauty. Come on, of course Paula feels the need to be nice. She really doesn’t want any more stalkers, yet, she still needs someone to buy her jewelry. 

I still cannot believe Jasmine Murray is in the Top 12. Twatiana’s Pretty-In-Pink Lee Press-On Nails were more deserving of a spot over Jasmine Murray. And obviously, since she sang first, I imagine Jesse Langseth was forgotten about by the first commercial break.

Tis a shame.

Thanks, Tivo. Thanks for cutting this shit show off. Guess I’ll have to find out about the “big spoiler” on Google News, right?

Oh, I get it. I guess they put Anoop through hell when giving Matt Giraud his ticket in. How cute. You’ve taken 13 singers this year. I really should have seen this coming, especially since you had already announced the elimination of Idol Gives Back. How else would you fill that week, right?

And granted, I thought you guys needed a little affirmative action and all, but I really don’t get the whole Jasmine Murray thing. Really, Idol, if you needed another singer of color, there was this guy named Ju’not who took a cortisone shot in the ass for you.

Spread the word. Do it.

Let’s introduce the judges, flash back on tragic back stories…how did I just now notice the B-roll shot of Nathaniel Marshall with the “No Vacancy” sign in the background. How auteur of Idol. Ha. Yes, Marshall is shot fuzzily with the No Vacancy sign in clear focus while the voiceover says, I’m one of those kids who have been through a lot.

Well, I’m hoping Idol makes a vacancy for Marshall in the Wild Card. And Jorge Nunez. Not so much for Cindy McCain and the tapeworm-swallowing Milkmaid Hooker McNasta-mera.

Since we already know two if the finalists will be Scott McIntyre and Lil Rounds, let’s take tonight to savor the beauty of Alex Wagner-Trugman, who we will probably not be lucky enough to see again. Sigh…

You have got to be kidding me. Group sing is Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold. This is so goddamn awful. I am tempted to shove about five Q-tips in each ear right now. If I look up, I will also want to scratch out my eyeballs.

UGH. Nooooo. Sweet Elder-Love teenager Arianna is sandwiched in between the Country Tyme Twits.

In an obvious effort to not have to choreograph around The Blind Guy (Bastards!), all the young dudes are seated on a sofa. And Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von Smith is sporting Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s hairstyle.

Ah, let’s for a moment, cherish the unique beauty of one Alex Wagner-Trugman. Sigh.

Holy shit. All the young dudes are chair dancing. They have choreographed when they cross their legs! And when they get on their knees! To a song that says you’re in then you’re out!

Oh Idol. You are sooooo homoerotic tonight.

Seacrest says we all need to watch the commercial because they have “stuck in a hidden audition”. Nice try, Idol. Of course, I haven’t hit fast forward yet. I know now Morgan Freeman narrates Visa commercials.

I’m already drinking a Diet Coke, Idol, sorry. Ok. What was the point of that audition? Was I supposed to recognize the chick singing “The Jeffersons Theme”? That was really lame, Idol, even for you.

Pointless recap of last night’s performances will only be worthwhile to watch the great Alex Wagner-Trugman and phenomenal Nathaniel Marshall. Because I have a heart, I feel kind of bad for Elder-Love Arianna. But my heart-felt feelings do not extend to Milkmaid Hooker or Taylor Zuckermann. Or Cindy McCain.

But I totally adore Jorge Nunez. The dude is genuine and I want him to stay on this show, he also has the kind of background you like to see on this kind of shit show. Lil Rounds may be pimped to death, but she’s good. And Scott MacIntyre is just really fun. Even if he is a fundie. He’s also a genius and has an amazing attitude, plus, the dude gets props for not pimping the fact he’s got some teacher’s kidney.

I can’t get behind of Felicia Barton. Not just because she is a fundie worship leader, well…ok. I guess that’s part of it. Well, mostly the part about her husband praising the Lord for bringing her a dentist and a new hairstyle. Jesus did not clean your wife’s teeth. Jesus did not do your wife’s hair.

Come Ju’not Joyner!! Play up that asthma! Make it your tragic back story.

Jesus, making Lil Rounds stand up first. This is so predictable. Go sit down on the other side, Lil. But Lil Rounds is good. I’m just curious to see what she sings in the coming weeks. But props for finally putting a black chick in the Top 12 this year.

Now they’re going to get rid of the losers, namely Arianna, Taylor Zuckermann, our sweet Alex, Cindy McCain. The last name they call is Scott MacIntyre and OMG ONE OF THEM IS THROUGH TO THE TOP 12 IT IS TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Another shocker, I’m sure. Did you know we were supposed to see Stoner J sing his new song tonight? Yes. It’s called Love Uncompromised. But then things fell through, i.e., his overbearing stage mother Betsy Castro totally frakked it up.

I like Elder-Love’s Que Sera Sera attitude. She’s a good kid. Ok, hurry up and get rid of Taylor Zuckermann. Noooo…don’t get rid of the beautiful Alex Wagner-Trugman!

I’d rather lose being myself than win being somebody else.

Wise words from a boy genius. Sniff. Sniff. I’ll miss you, Alex, I really, really will!

Yay! Cindy McCain is going home! PLEASE do not bring her back for the Wild Card. Please oh please oh please!

Blonde Bimbo vs. Blind Guy. No contest.

Awww. Alex and Scott shared a sweetly awkward hug. Please let Scott dance with his walking stick now.

Damn. No dancing. Let’s just hope he does it over the next few weeks. Or sings Jeff Healey’s Angel Eyes. Christ, I kind of feel wrong when I request such things.

Oh please. Do not make Nathaniel stand up with Milkmaid Hooker. Milkmaid Hooker really should give up her dream of music and become a Vivid contract girl. It’s not a total loss because technically, her mouth can still make her famous.

Once they make Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von and Felicia Barton stand up, I already know they’re gonna drag the shit out with Ju’not Joyner and Jorge Nunez. Because I’m super good at math!

Obviously, Jesus will bring Felicia Barton a spot in the Wild Card.

Awww…I want both these dudes to get through. Because the Top 12 needs some color, damnit! Plus, then Alexis Grace will look even MORE like Casper.

Of course Seacrest is going to go to a commercial break before announcing the final contestant. Because this is American Idol. And it is as predictable as the tide. OH WAIT. They totally faked us out. That was UNPREDICTABLE!

And Jorge Nunez made it! Yay for Jorge! Iraheta really needs to bust out her Spanish skills because Jorge is gonna mobilize the Hispanic vote. He’s also a dude. Dudes get more votes because Idol dudes get Frauen.

Now let’s hurry up and get to why we’re watching tonight’s fairly predictable shit show…the announcement of the Wild Card contestants. But first, let’s have a commercial. And let’s introduce the nine contestants who made it through already.

Whoa Casper!

And let’s find out the eight people who are coming back to sing tomorrow. Finally. Please. Please. Just get it over with. Since they brought all of them back, it’s supposed to be suspenseful. (I had no idea Jennifer Hudson was a wild card. I learned something tonight!)

Pee Wee’s Bad Boy Puppet Von Smith??

Simon wants him to wear a hat because he hates the Maddox Jolie-Pitt hair. Obviously selected because of his obvious Frau Factor.

OMG SHE’S SOOOO COMMERCIAL

Jasmine Murray??

(Take a shot every time Kara says commercial. Ugh.)

Ricky Braddy

Well, duh.

Meghan Corkrey

I would hope so. The competition’s only tolerable blonde actually has a pretty kick ass voice.

Oh christ. Another commercial break.

I think Randy is going to select Twatiana. Twatiana thinks he is going to select her. Twatiana is praying.

Tatiana del Toro

Twatiana is wearing the most god-awful dress. She is sobbing hysterically. It’s been one minute but I already want to shoot her, even if she provides ample entertainment value. But I am all for bringing her back so we can watch the inevitable meltdown when she gets her ass kicked to the curb.

Matt Giraud

Obviously.

Jesse Langseth

Okay, she was good. But I’m getting scared because I have neither heard Normund Gentle or Anoop Desai’s name called. And Ju’not Joyner will not be called. Ugh. Sigh. I can live with…

YAY! Simon saved the best for last!!!

Anoop Desai

Of course, I really think some good people got screwed. Jasmine Murray? Are you serious? You would rather see Jasmine Murray over Nathaniel Marshall or Ju’not Joyner? Von Smith over NORMUND GENTLE??

Sigh. No Vacancy for Nathaniel Marshall. Idol met its uber-gay quota for the season.

Of course, I just realized something.

Milkmaid Hooker and Cindy McCain are no more! And all those prayers did nothing to help Felicia Barton.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the little things.

Spread the word. Do it.

So the other night, while watching the Oscars, I came up with the best idea. Seacrest totally needs to hook up with Jennifer Aniston in either a biblical or a beard way. Doesn’t matter. Those two belong together.

Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Danny Gokey are in the audience, of course. Who else hates Alexis’ hair? 15-year-olds who frequent Hot Topic would even laugh at that crap coif.

Kara DioGuardi totally got Juvaderm-ed since last week and Randy Jackson is still wearing little kid jewelry.

Oh how surprising. Frau favorite Adam Lambert is in the pimp spot.

Jasmine Murray
Love Song

You’re 16. Chill on the tranny cake makeup set. Luckily, Murray has at least toned the lipstick down a bit this evening and gone with a more neutral gloss. I don’t care much for this song anyway, but the beginning of it was kind of rough. That being said, Murray has decent stage presence for a teenager and even with the rough notes, she is entirely more appealing than say, Syesha Mercado. And points for actually doing something new.

Randy thinks she should have done Rihanna. Why? Because she’s black. Of course that shit was pitchy. Kara babbles on about her register. They’re all bashing her for her song choice, it wasn’t youthful enough or something. Which I don’t really understand, but…Simon nails it with his critique. I’ve also heard the word commercial more times in two minutes than I typically hear during an ANTM judging pow-wow.

Jasmine is gone, but don’t be too sad. The kid has a bright future and will likely get into any college she wants.

Matt Giraud
Viva la Vida

The dueling piano player from Kalamazoo is almost guaranteed a spot in the Top 12. Frauen love him. Tweens like him. Megachurch fundies dig him. Even quasi-famous lesbians love them some Giraud.

Giraud is wearing the white shoes apparently gifted to every male contestant upon making the semifinals. I’ve seen those nasty things on Greasy Constantine, Gokey and now Giraud.

Giraud gets props from me because he sings Coldplay. Already, with just two performers, the song choices are better than any Idol episode I have ever seen. I don’t even like Love Song, but it is better than hearing some idiot destroy a perfectly good Heart song for the umpteenth time. Even if they suck, like both Murray and Giraud kind of do, it’s still better than a lot of the other suckage I’ve heard.

Giraud was kind of fun but the cheesy Idol ending nearly ruined all of it for him. Kara tells him he shouldn’t be singing that song because he is a “bluesy, soulful guy”. Whatever, she’s just pissed because they showed his girlfriend in the audience. Paula is obviously flaunting another ring from her Paula Abdul Jewelry line. No wonder these kids sing shit songs all the time. They try to do something new and they’re ridiculed. Alas. You can never win.

Matt Giraud is the new Michael Johns. I predict a surprise seventh place boot.

Frau Factor
9

I think I just heard some of Cook’s Cougars join yet another message board.

Jeanine Vailes
This Love

Vailes has had oh, almost zero airtime. She’s actually kind of likable in her pre-song interview and we also learn she is a bartender. Props for sin!

Vailes’ song is by Maroon 5, not what the spoilers had listed for her. I like it when people sing out-of-gender songs, but Vailes outfit is horrible and uh, she kind of sucks. Which kind of makes me sad because she’s kind of likable and Jeanine, we hardly knew ya. The backup singers are drowning her out in some parts. She’s all over the place. And both her dancing and attire reminded me of the tuxedo-clad twins — Mirror Image — who were in the Dance TV finals against the Debutwat and Sarah Jessica Parker & Lee Montgomery in the classic film, Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95xguY6Q360

Adam Lambert needs to sing Q-Feel’s Dancing in Heaven. Christ, what an underrated song.

Slow. Slow. Quick-Quick-Slow.

I hear the universe sing the celestial swing.

You know you’re frakked when Paula starts with, “Great legs”. She defers to Simon, who agrees about the legs but says it was a horrible song choice. Randy says the best part was the end because it was over. Props to Jeanine who says she’s been “flying under the radar”. Yes, sweetie, you have, so if someone close to you died bust that shit out now because it’s your last chance! But all she’s got is good legs and a dream, she just wants a shot, damnit. Poor sweet cannon fodder Jeanine. I am almost moved to vote for her.

YES! YES! YES! After the break…will it be Nick or Normund. Christ, I love this man. He is the best thing to ever happen to this shit show.

Nick Mitchell / Normund Gentle
And I’m Not Going

I usually hate people who do songs perfected by other Idol contestants, namely the good ones like Jennifer Hudson. But Normund Gentle has arrived. He is pure poetry in motion. Neither Keats nor Michaelangelo could have even grasped the unadulterated beauty of one Normund Gentle. No one has ever worked the stage like the beautiful, beautiful god-like creature. NO ONE. This man deserves and Emmy, an Oscar, a Grammy  and even his own cult (I’m looking at you, Gokey!)

Normund Gentle is the ONLY true HOT and ANOINTED one! Look at the crowd! THEY LOVE THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN! THEY LOVE HIM!!!

This man is perfection unlike anything I have ever seen. His father also looks like Jon Voight.

Simon is at a loss for words. He so cannot admit the love he feels for Normund Gentle. Normund’s parents are not amused by Simon’s antics. Randy tells him it was one of the most entertaining performances EVER. Damn straight, dawg. That’s the only time I’ll ever give you props. None of you can deny the beauty of this man so don’t even try! Even Seacrest just kind of outed himself because of Normund’s exquisite beauty.

Frau Factor
5+

Normund Gentle, I will be one of your frauen. I will tard over you for all eternity.

Allison Iraheta
Alone

Isn’t this the elder-love chick?  I think I’m confused. This chick hangs out at the local Hot Topic and the only thing her dress is missing is a Boy Toy belt. She’s singing Heart’s Alone, which pretty much should be retired from the Idol stage since Carrie Underwood killed it 4 years ago. I don’t even like Carrie Underwood, but her version was sick. I kind of like Alison’s voice, and I love the song but…I don’t know if this is memorable. Especially after the beautiful and exquisite Normund. But it’s good. She is real good. She’s more Kelly Clarkson-ish AND has semi-unironic Manic Panic hair unlike oh,  Miss Alexis Grace.

As much as I love this song, I sometimes torture people with my drunken karaoke rendition, because you know, it just speaks to me.

I kind of want to like Alison because I think she might actually be a semi-bad chick. Three cheers for sin! The judges adore her. Paula even throws out the tired “telephone book” line.

Kris Allen
Man in the Mirror

Hot Fundy Boy from Arkansas is most likely  cannon fodder, which is why he was probably encouraged to sing Michael Jackson. I’m starting to think they tell the cannon fodder to sing the Whitney, the Michael Jackson, the et al of schlocky diva pop.

Ugh, this song is preachy and those good-looking Fundy kids just freak me out. You can tell this kid is a megachurch singer. Don’t you feel like you’re at a megachurch right now? A little bit? Oh come on, you know you do. I do.

Groan. Kara chides him for choosing the wrong song. Wrong song. Why don’t you choose their damn songs from the get-go? Paula disagrees. She thinks Hot Fundy Boy nailed it. SIMON AGREES WITH HER! Are we visiting another megachurch next week?

Frau Factor
7.5

Creepy Adults for Archuleta and a handful of Claymates just felt their heart go THUD.  You see Jesus in him, right? He’s an Evangelical from Arkansas who Simon just pimped. This cannot end well.

(ETA: NOVEMBER 27, 2009 — I take it all back!)

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Put Your Records On

I like Meghan Corkrey. But now I hear she wants to drop the Corkrey and go by Meghan Joy. Ugh. And WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH HER HAIR? This chick has tatt sleeves, for chrissake. Now she’s looking all Pollyanna with lighter hair tumbling past her shoulders in ringlets.

Ok. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought she was going all Brooke White on us. And this chick has a sick voice. I don’t even want to hate her, that’s how genuinely talented I think this chick is. I don’t even feel like making fun of her for being Mormon. I mean, I’m sure I will later, but for now I can’t really take fault with her whatsoever. They all like her, Kara starts talking about her getting the “right song” on the radio. I’m going to start taking shots every time I hear that chick say “right song”.

Matt Breitzke
If You Could Only See

Welder Bear is going to sing! Welder Bear! I like Welder Bear.  Welder Bear is singing Tonic. He is a total bar singer. I think Welder Bear is better than Michael Sarver, to be honest. While this song sounds exactly like something I would hear in a bar, it is still better than a lot of what we heard last week.

Simon really likes him, but he hated the song. He’s frustrated. Welder Bear says he disagrees. I like Welder Bear. Everyone likes Welder Bear. Yeah, it was boring. But it was better than well, most of everything we saw last week. Welder Bear is sweating. I always get a kick out of sweaty bald heads for some reason, ever since I saw the sweat wipes for bald men at CVS.  Awwww…I like you, Welder Bear.

Frau Factor
6

I know he has frauen, but he needs the Bear lovers to get off their asses and vote.

Jesse Langseth
Bette Davis Eyes

Single mom and singer of a Grammy-winning blues artist, Langseth has the kind of voice I like in female singers, but I kind of hate her white trash clothes. I’m actually kind of amazed how many people I don’t hate tonight. This could be the best episode of Idol I’ve ever seen, to be honest. Of course, no other episode has ever contained the beauty of Normund Gentle, so I am a bit biased.

I like how she counters Randy’s criticism by asking what he means by more. I just don’t know if she’ll make it after seeing Meghan Corkrey and Alison Iraheta. Hell, I’m even impressed by this chick’s musical knowledge, how she talks about a song. Of course, she’s had zero pimping. But Paula thinks she’s still cool, even if Simon thinks she’s forgettable.

Kai Kalama
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

YAY! Our boy High Kalama is up! I’m kind of excited, since we’ve hardly seen any Citizen Kai. I totally like this guy, of course, I worry what the Castro Frauen will do to him, obviously. Nice job, Kai, of getting your mom in the audience. You’ve been watching, haven’t you? You know what a tragic back story can do for votes.

I think Kalama has a solid voice. Kara wants to bang him, even if she bashes his song choice. I think Kai needs to stick around. Paula wants to bang him, even if he falls off pitch. Simon thinks it was corny and old-fashioned. He even says it would be heard at a hotel or wedding. Randy agrees. Whatever. They’re just jealous because the ladies want to get High with Kalama.

I hope Kai comes back in the wild card. Castro Frauen, start voting, damnit! Make your batshit crazy selves uselful! Kalama also is from Hawaii, a state notorious for their support of hometown Idol contestants

Frau Factor
7

The Castro Frauen could fall in love with this guy. Have they seen the clip of him on the uke?

Mishavonna Henson
Drops of Jupiter

I guess her voice is good. But I kind of don’t like this chick. This whole performance seems to forced. It seems churchy. YES! Of course. This was dull, forced, uh…it was boring.

The judges kind of have the same sentiments. Simon was left cold. They don’t know what a Drop of Jupiter is, of course, neither do I. Since you guys are calling her too old for her age, I hope you do the same for Taylor Zuckerman next week.

If you put me through, you’ll get to see the crazy.

Adam Lambert
Satisfaction

The moment his frauen have been waiting for. The Idol producers are ridiculously obvious in their pimping this year. Gay vs. God. Let’s do it.

Camp it up, bitch, camp it up! Of course, it really doesn’t matter what he sings. He also did an almost crotch-grab! On family TV! Yes, Lambert, yes! I like this guy, he’s no Normund Gentle (but then again, who is?), but I like the glam rock style. I will also love laughing at all the women who swear up and down about him being on-so-very straight.

So can the Idol contestants request their high-definition background graphics? Because Gokey had clouds behind him last week and Lambert has got a rainbow test pattern setting the stage. See? I told you. GAY VS. GOD.

Lambert is a performer. He is also a sinner, so he deserves your vote! Paula is on her feat and nearly foaming at the mouth. Simon cannot decide if he is bad or brilliant. Randy calls him dawg and says he loves him because he is the most now contestant they’ve ever seen. He also calls him a combination of Steven Tyler, Fall Out Boy and Twilight’s Robert Patterson. Christ, Randy, you had to go and get all those Twilight-loving tweens, teens & tards on this guy’s ass even more. Lambert helps his cause. He says he LOVES Twilight. He doesn’t even need a tragic back story.

Frau Factor
10+

Pimp Spot + Arriving with to the Top 36 with Fraus +  Twilight mention + Inevitable Rosie O’Donnell endorsement = This man will be followed by frauen for the rest of his days

Tonight was better than uh, most every night on Idol. However, the evening belonged to the magnificent HOT and ANOINTED Normund Gentle.

Let’s watch his greatness again, shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tON9hju29Ek

Spread the word. Do it.

So the other night, while watching the Oscars, I came up with the best idea. Seacrest totally needs to hook up with Jennifer Aniston in either a biblical or a beard way. Doesn’t matter. Those two belong together. 

Alexis Grace, Michael Sarver and Danny Gokey are in the audience, of course. Who else hates Alexis’ hair? 15-year-olds who frequent Hot Topic would even laugh at that crap coif.

Kara DioGuardi totally got Juvaderm-ed since last week and Randy Jackson is still wearing little kid jewelry. 

Oh how surprising. Frau favorite Adam Lambert is in the pimp spot. 

Jasmine Murray
Love Song

You’re 16. Chill on the tranny cake makeup set. Luckily, Murray has at least toned the lipstick down a bit this evening and gone with a more neutral gloss. I don’t care much for this song anyway, but the beginning of it was kind of rough. That being said, Murray has decent stage presence for a teenager and even with the rough notes, she is entirely more appealing than say, Syesha Mercado. And points for actually doing something new.

Randy thinks she should have done Rihanna. Why? Because she’s black. Of course that shit was pitchy. Kara babbles on about her register. They’re all bashing her for her song choice, it wasn’t youthful enough or something. Which I don’t really understand, but…Simon nails it with his critique. I’ve also heard the word commercial more times in two minutes than I typically hear during an ANTM judging pow-wow.

Jasmine is gone, but don’t be too sad. The kid has a bright future and will likely get into any college she wants.  

Matt Giraud
Viva la Vida

The dueling piano player from Kalamazoo is almost guaranteed a spot in the Top 12. Frauen love him. Tweens like him. Megachurch fundies dig him. Even quasi-famous lesbians love them some Giraud.

Giraud is wearing the white shoes apparently gifted to every male contestant upon making the semifinals. I’ve seen those nasty things on Greasy Constantine, Gokey and now Giraud.

Giraud gets props from me because he sings Coldplay. Already, with just two performers, the song choices are better than any Idol episode I have ever seen. I don’t even like Love Song, but it is better than hearing some idiot destroy a perfectly good Heart song for the umpteenth time. Even if they suck, like both Murray and Giraud kind of do, it’s still better than a lot of the other suckage I’ve heard. 

Giraud was kind of fun but the cheesy Idol ending nearly ruined all of it for him. Kara tells him he shouldn’t be singing that song because he is a “bluesy, soulful guy”. Whatever, she’s just pissed because they showed his girlfriend in the audience. Paula is obviously flaunting another ring from her Paula Abdul Jewelry line. No wonder these kids sing shit songs all the time. They try to do something new and they’re ridiculed. Alas. You can never win. 

Matt Giraud is the new Michael Johns. I predict a surprise seventh place boot. 

Frau Factor
9

I think I just heard some of Cook’s Cougars join yet another message board.  

Jeanine Vailes
This Love 

Vailes has had oh, almost zero airtime. She’s actually kind of likable in her pre-song interview and we also learn she is a bartender. Props for sin!

Vailes’ song is by Maroon 5, not what the spoilers had listed for her. I like it when people sing out-of-gender songs, but Vailes outfit is horrible and uh, she kind of sucks. Which kind of makes me sad because she’s kind of likable and Jeanine, we hardly knew ya. The backup singers are drowning her out in some parts. She’s all over the place. And both her dancing and attire reminded me of the tuxedo-clad twins — Mirror Image — who were in the Dance TV finals against the Debutwat and Sarah Jessica Parker & Lee Montgomery in the classic film, Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95xguY6Q360

Adam Lambert needs to sing Q-Feel’s Dancing in Heaven. Christ, what an underrated song. 

Slow. Slow. Quick-Quick-Slow.

I hear the universe sing the celestial swing.

You know you’re frakked when Paula starts with, “Great legs”. She defers to Simon, who agrees about the legs but says it was a horrible song choice. Randy says the best part was the end because it was over. Props to Jeanine who says she’s been “flying under the radar”. Yes, sweetie, you have, so if someone close to you died bust that shit out now because it’s your last chance! But all she’s got is good legs and a dream, she just wants a shot, damnit. Poor sweet cannon fodder Jeanine. I am almost moved to vote for her. 

YES! YES! YES! After the break…will it be Nick or Normund. Christ, I love this man. He is the best thing to ever happen to this shit show.

Nick Mitchell / Normund Gentle
And I’m Not Going

I usually hate people who do songs perfected by other Idol contestants, namely the good ones like Jennifer Hudson. But Normund Gentle has arrived. He is pure poetry in motion. Neither Keats nor Michaelangelo could have even grasped the unadulterated beauty of one Normund Gentle. No one has ever worked the stage like the beautiful, beautiful god-like creature. NO ONE. This man deserves and Emmy, an Oscar, a Grammy  and even his own cult (I’m looking at you, Gokey!)

Normund Gentle is the ONLY true HOT and ANOINTED one! Look at the crowd! THEY LOVE THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN! THEY LOVE HIM!!!

This man is perfection unlike anything I have ever seen. His father also looks like Jon Voight.

Simon is at a loss for words. He so cannot admit the love he feels for Normund Gentle. Normund’s parents are not amused by Simon’s antics. Randy tells him it was one of the most entertaining performances EVER. Damn straight, dawg. That’s the only time I’ll ever give you props. None of you can deny the beauty of this man so don’t even try! Even Seacrest just kind of outed himself because of Normund’s exquisite beauty. 

Frau Factor
5+

Normund Gentle, I will be one of your frauen. I will tard over you for all eternity.

Alison Iraheta
Alone 

Isn’t this the elder-love chick?  I think I’m confused. This chick hangs out at the local Hot Topic and the only thing her dress is missing is a Boy Toy belt. She’s singing Heart’s Alone, which pretty much should be retired from the Idol stage since Carrie Underwood killed it 4 years ago. I don’t even like Carrie Underwood, but her version was sick. I kind of like Alison’s voice, and I love the song but…I don’t know if this is memorable. Especially after the beautiful and exquisite Normund. But it’s good. She is real good. She’s more Kelly Clarkson-ish AND has semi-unironic Manic Panic hair unlike oh,  Miss Alexis Grace.

As much as I love this song, I sometimes torture people with my drunken karaoke rendition, because you know, it just speaks to me.

I kind of want to like Alison because I think she might actually be a semi-bad chick. Three cheers for sin! The judges adore her. Paula even throws out the tired “telephone book” line.   

Kris Allen
Man in the Mirror

Hot Fundy Boy from Arkansas is most likely  cannon fodder, which is why he was probably encouraged to sing Michael Jackson. I’m starting to think they tell the cannon fodder to sing the Whitney, the Michael Jackson, the et al of schlocky diva pop. 

Ugh, this song is preachy and those good-looking Fundy kids just freak me out. You can tell this kid is a megachurch singer. Don’t you feel like you’re at a megachurch right now? A little bit? Oh come on, you know you do. I do. 

Groan. Kara chides him for choosing the wrong song. Wrong song. Why don’t you choose their damn songs from the get-go? Paula disagrees. She thinks Hot Fundy Boy nailed it. SIMON AGREES WITH HER! Are we visiting another megachurch next week? 

Frau Factor
7.5

Creepy Adults for Archuleta and a handful of Claymates just felt their heart go THUD.  You see Jesus in him, right? He’s an Evangelical from Arkansas who Simon just pimped. This cannot end well.

Meghan Joy Corkrey
Put Your Records On 

I like Meghan Corkrey. But now I hear she wants to drop the Corkrey and go by Meghan Joy. Ugh. And WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH HER HAIR? This chick has tatt sleeves, for chrissake. Now she’s looking all Pollyanna with lighter hair tumbling past her shoulders in ringlets.

Ok. It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought she was going all Brooke White on us. And this chick has a sick voice. I don’t even want to hate her, that’s how genuinely talented I think this chick is. I don’t even feel like making fun of her for being Mormon. I mean, I’m sure I will later, but for now I can’t really take fault with her whatsoever. They all like her, Kara starts talking about her getting the “right song” on the radio. I’m going to start taking shots every time I hear that chick say “right song”. 

Matt Breitzke
If You Could Only See

Welder Bear is going to sing! Welder Bear! I like Welder Bear.  Welder Bear is singing Tonic. He is a total bar singer. I think Welder Bear is better than Michael Sarver, to be honest. While this song sounds exactly like something I would hear in a bar, it is still better than a lot of what we heard last week. 

Simon really likes him, but he hated the song. He’s frustrated. Welder Bear says he disagrees. I like Welder Bear. Everyone likes Welder Bear. Yeah, it was boring. But it was better than well, most of everything we saw last week. Welder Bear is sweating. I always get a kick out of sweaty bald heads for some reason, ever since I saw the sweat wipes for bald men at CVS.  Awwww…I like you, Welder Bear.

Frau Factor
6

I know he has frauen, but he needs the Bear lovers to get off their asses and vote. 

Jesse Langseth
Bette Davis Eyes

Single mom and singer of a Grammy-winning blues artist, Langseth has the kind of voice I like in female singers, but I kind of hate her white trash clothes. I’m actually kind of amazed how many people I don’t hate tonight. This could be the best episode of Idol I’ve ever seen, to be honest. Of course, no other episode has ever contained the beauty of Normund Gentle, so I am a bit biased. 

I like how she counters Randy’s criticism by asking what he means by more. I just don’t know if she’ll make it after seeing Meghan Corkrey and Alison Iraheta. Hell, I’m even impressed by this chick’s musical knowledge, how she talks about a song. Of course, she’s had zero pimping. But Paula thinks she’s still cool, even if Simon thinks she’s forgettable.

Kai Kalama
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted 

YAY! Our boy High Kalama is up! I’m kind of excited, since we’ve hardly seen any Citizen Kai. I totally like this guy, of course, I worry what the Castro Frauen will do to him, obviously. Nice job, Kai, of getting your mom in the audience. You’ve been watching, haven’t you? You know what a tragic back story can do for votes. 

I think Kalama has a solid voice. Kara wants to bang him, even if she bashes his song choice. I think Kai needs to stick around. Paula wants to bang him, even if he falls off pitch. Simon thinks it was corny and old-fashioned. He even says it would be heard at a hotel or wedding. Randy agrees. Whatever. They’re just jealous because the ladies want to get High with Kalama.

I hope Kai comes back in the wild card. Castro Frauen, start voting, damnit! Make your batshit crazy selves uselful! Kalama also is from Hawaii, a state notorious for their support of hometown Idol contestants 

Frau Factor
7

The Castro Frauen could fall in love with this guy. Have they seen the clip of him on the uke? 

Mishavonna Henson 
Drops of Jupiter

 I guess her voice is good. But I kind of don’t like this chick. This whole performance seems to forced. It seems churchy. YES! Of course. This was dull, forced, uh…it was boring.

The judges kind of have the same sentiments. Simon was left cold. They don’t know what a Drop of Jupiter is, of course, neither do I. Since you guys are calling her too old for her age, I hope you do the same for Taylor Zuckerman next week. 

If you put me through, you’ll get to see the crazy.

Adam Lambert
Satisfaction 

The moment his frauen have been waiting for. The Idol producers are ridiculously obvious in their pimping this year. Gay vs. God. Let’s do it.

Camp it up, bitch, camp it up! Of course, it really doesn’t matter what he sings. He also did an almost crotch-grab! On family TV! Yes, Lambert, yes! I like this guy, he’s no Normund Gentle (but then again, who is?), but I like the glam rock style. I will also love laughing at all the women who swear up and down about him being on-so-very straight.

So can the Idol contestants request their high-definition background graphics? Because Gokey had clouds behind him last week and Lambert has got a rainbow test pattern setting the stage. See? I told you. GAY VS. GOD. 

Lambert is a performer. He is also a sinner, so he deserves your vote! Paula is on her feet and nearly foaming at the mouth. Simon cannot decide if he is bad or brilliant. Randy calls him dawg and says he loves him because he is the most now contestant they’ve ever seen. He also calls him a combination of Steven Tyler, Fall Out Boy and Twilight’s Robert Patterson. Christ, Randy, you had to go and get all those Twilight-loving tweens, teens & tards on this guy’s ass even more. Lambert helps his cause. He says he LOVES Twilight. He doesn’t even need a tragic back story. 

Frau Factor
10+

Pimp Spot + Arriving with to the Top 36 with Fraus +  Twilight mention + Inevitable Rosie O’Donnell endorsement = This man will be followed by frauen for the rest of his days

Tonight was better than uh, most every night on Idol. However, the evening belonged to the magnificent HOT and ANOINTED Normund Gentle. 

Let’s watch his greatness again, shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tON9hju29Ek

Spread the word. Do it.