Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

I barely remember these people and don’t even know who they booted last week since my Tivo boycotted all Fox programming on Thursday night for whatever reason. Mollee Moron and her adorable jailbait partner, Nathan, are still there. There is no Ade and his pick. Or Jeanine. They made last season bearable. Or Katee, Twitch, Courtney or Joshua. In fact, every week I just sort of think they’re all going to reappear, and this show will be as great as I remember it was in the summer of 2008.

Who the hell designs Crazy Mary Murphy’s wardrobe? Because I’ve seen that shit in every Old Time Photo shack across the U.S. of A. Season 5 is in the audience and I momentarily get excited…except Ade is SANS PICK and he’s sitting next to Powder. This is the part when I tell myself Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole are battling each other for my affections and will both arrive my window and woo me during the next rainstorm.

Karen Hauer & Kevin Hunte
Maria Torres — Disco
Come to Me (France Joli)

Ok. Um…TMI? Karen auditioned with her husband, who was cut in Vegas. They had been having problems for awhile but trying out for a reality dance show did not fix these issues. Not long after they went back home, their marriage was donezo. Well, I guess that sucks, but I never saw you guys together except in expertly edited footage from a few auditions so I really have no opinion on the matter. See, when your marriage is in trouble, don’t try for a babyfriend or try out for a reality TV show.

Did anyone else catch the deliberate poetic irony of the final scene from the rehearsal footage? Kevin leaves the room while Karen says, I guess I’ll just dance by myself. Someone with a camera must have gone to film school, me thinks. Metaphor! Karen and Kevin take the stage dressed as grapes. The dance is kind of sloppy, like a table Liza Minnelli and Bianca Jagger were sitting at in Studio 54. The rich are always careless with their blow. Adam Shankmann and Crazy Mary love their routine. I guess 1980s British Hair does, too. They know more about dance than I do, and while it was good, some parts of it still seemed…sloppy.

I’m bored. Oskar is bored. I think I have the pig flu. Moving on…

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Mandy Moore — Contemporary
Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)

Ashleigh is a NERD. She even interned for a senator. Ashleigh is my new favorite because I always favor the intelligent types who have sensible fall-back careers AND brains. Jakob is as queer as $3 bill and BFF with Jeanine Mason. They may be my new favorite couple. They are also dancing with a cane to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. YES SIR!!! WE HAVE A WINNER.

I wish Ashleigh was wearing a different blouse. It does not fit with the look of the entire piece or the couple’s routine. Fashion-wise, with the pirate blouse, they were going for a ringmaster vibe, I think, but it sort of came off more as an over-the-top rich bitch at the stables look than avant garde circus. However, they have some fun with the cane and as I mentioned before, Ashleigh is wicked smart and Jakob is BBF with Jeanine, therefore I LOVE THEM!!!

Shankman noticed what I saw–he almost dropped her. YES! Apparently, I have a keener eye than 1980s British Hair. They recovered nicely, though, and I love them. Crazy Mary yells some positive shit. Homegirl needs another drink and a Cochlear implant.

(On a side note, is it just me or does this Natalie Portman-Tobey McGuire-Jake Gyllenhaal Brothers movie look so damn stupid? You kind of wonder because of the cast, but…they’ve had some duds and I dunno, this just looks terrible.)

Pauline Mata & Peter Sabasino
JT & Tomas — Quick Step (OH NOEZZZ!!!)
Hey Baby (Shake those Hula Hips) — Big Kahuna & the Copa Cat Pack

Peter volunteers with special dancers. This will make it impossible to hate Peter. Ever. Pauline brags about eating all the time and not gaining any weight. I can’t really hate on Pauline for whatever reason, even though Peter totally kicked her ass on their little “things you don’t know about me segment”. Pauline can eat a lot of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Peter helps the mentally disabled find newfound confidence.

JT & Tomas have choreographed some big band-esque, 1940s number involving the quick step and hip shaking. The quick step always bores me to tears, even though I clearly understand the technicality necessary to pull one off succesfully. The Hawaiian beach at sunset background is hilarious. I am hoping the hilarity is intentional.

I think that was cute. I should have paid a bit more attention, but I’m trying to finish up some work-work. Shankman also finds it adorable. Everyone screws up the quickstep. They often get eliminated. The quickstep is the kiss of death on this show. Shankman goes on and on about their performance, how it was adorable and charismatic. This doesn’t seem to bode well, but Crazy Mary thinks they pulled it off…sort of. She’s calmer now because her drink has been refilled. In her defense, she agrees the only train during the quickstep is a trainwreck. 1980s British Hair thought the storyline made the quickstep more accessible to the audience. He is probably right.

Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez
Andy Blankenbuekler — Broadway
I Wanna Be Like You (Swingin’ Fireballs)

Crying girl Kathryn has an annoying voice, which often bugs me. She also goes on mission trips. Ugh. Can’t we just go help people in other countries NOT in the name of that Jesus person? Legacy was going to be a professional football/soccer player when he grew up. I don’t think anyone is going to top Peter dancing with the special kids or Karen getting divorced after Vegas week.

I am intrigued by their choreographer. He looks like a rockabilly drunk who is fun until he gets belligerent around 1:30am. I bet he drinks whiskey and rolls his own cigarettes. His last name is ridiculous.

Their outfits and the set are adorably retro. I’ve always wanted to swing dance and spend a few months in the early 1960s. Maybe work at an ad agency…but not as a secretary. I want to have a swinging bachelor pad. I don’t care if I’m a girl. I want a swinging bachelor pad, dammit! I really have no complaints or criticism about the routine. Shankman also gets to say adorable for like the 15th time tonight, but he wanted Kathryn to be more of a maneater, as the Jungle Book song suggests. Come on! Kathryn is all innocence and mission trips. I don’t know if she can do that sort of thing…

The judges basically tell Legacy they want to hump his leg, but Kathryn is a big ol’ disappointment. 1980s British Hair calls her juvenile…come on…she’s not as bad as Mormon Moron Mollee! Does she have a pimp spot again this week? I can’t take the constant shoving of her down our poor throats.

Channing Cooke & Victor Smalley
Stacey Tookey — Contemporary
Be Be Your Love (Rachael Yamagata)

Victor used to be goth. He even looked authentically goth, not that Hot Topic shit. I think Adam Lambert stole his look? Channing (GO MASSACHUSETTS!) was a lawnmower racer. They’re doing a routine about a toxic relationship. Hot Topic is toxic.

Ok. Let’s just stop here. Their routine is to one of my FAVORITE SONGS. YESSSSS. Everyone needs to download Rachael Yamagata because she is phenomenal, and holy hell, her Duet with Ray LaMontagne is so fraking gorgeous. Anyway, I already know I will love this routine, even with the white rose  & falling petal background that’s straight out of a Summer’s Eve commercial. It’s beautiful. It delivers everything Stacey Tookey promised.

Shankman finds their new partnership reinvigorating. Crazy Mary and 1980s British Hair thought they were technically beautiful, but they weren’t blown away emotionally. Whatevia.

Ellenore Scott & Ryan Di Lello
Lil C — Hip Hop
Lost Boiz Anthem (Tha J Squad)

Ellenore has six different ethnic backgrounds. Ryan is an extreme sports junkie. But who cares? LIL C IS IN DA HOUSE! I love Lil C. I even follow him on Twitter. Lil C hopes they find their swagger, as Ryan is a trained ballroom dancer. Homeboy needs swagger. Not samba. At least not this week.

Ellenore and Ryan play hippity-hoppin’ bank robbers. Gangsta phresh homies, yo. Lost Boiz Anthem has shades of my beloved Dubstep. I would bet $20 I’ve heard this before while using a port-a-potty in the middle of Black Rock City. They make me want to have swagger. I wonder if I could hip hop dance. I thought they did quite well. They swagged. I want to swagg. I have ever since all the black girls tried teaching me the snake and how to double-dutch on the playground and my lack of coordination prevented me from ever picking up either. Oh, the memories of childhood we forever keep.

Shankman is impressed with Ryan’s swagger. I guess they only had a few hours to rehearse? Not sure why that is…did someone else get maimed and I missed it? Crazy Mary plays all unimpressed, says it was just good. 1980s British Hair does not think there was any swagger. He thinks it was horrible. I should have paid attention more. Nigel says they both failed and that they’re “too sweet” for Lil C’s hip hop. I want Shankman and 1980s British Hair to argue as there is an obvious disagreement between the two. Whoa. 1980s British Hair just won’t stop with his THIS SUCKED. Of course, the GODDESS CAT DEELEY turns around and says to Ryan & Ellenore

In a weird way, he’s also saying, You’re too nice.

I love our fair goddess Cat. She is always trying to stay so positive for the kiddies. LOVE HER.

Yuck. Moron Mollee & Nathan are going second to last. I recall them going last when I watched 2 weeks ago…come on now, stop it. I know the little girls like Nathan because he resembles one of those Twilight people. They are the chosen couple. Don’t even play, 1980s British Hair, don’t even play.

Mollee Gray & Nathan Trasoras
Gustavo Vargas — Salsa
Quimbara (Celia Cruz & Johnny Pacheco)

Why are we forced to see baby photos of this nitwit? COME ON. I don’t want to know anything about you, you irritating twit. And I still don’t like you, and I won’t feel sorry for you because you’re deaf in your left ear. Nathan is big into jet skiing (it’s WAVE RUNNING, dammit). I really hope Moron Mollee fails miserably at being “sexy” and “mature” this week. I want to kill her when she yells they will do MUY BUENO. Someone get her a muzzle. Oh christ, she says she is going to become SEXY-FIED MOLLEE. Shoot me now.

When they appear on stage, she looks like a complete moron. Awkward. Nathan can almost pull it off, hell, he looks more salsa than this twin could ever hope. She may be able to nail some of the technical stuff, but there is nothing sexy about it. Her facial expressions are ridiculous. This is a child playing dress-up. Sorry, but that salsa was decidedly mild.

YAY! Shankman hated it. Hated it. He calls it bad luck of the draw, but that’s just code for HATED IT. He even uses the word awkward (see above) and says it exposes all of their weaknesses. Oh, stop trying to tell everyone how they’re fan favorites and how they’ve been fantastic every other week. Keep Nathan. Lose Moron Mollee.

No, it wasn’t sexy-fied…It was french fried, I’m afraid.

Oh, Crazy Mary. I love your madness sometimes. And I fully support your need to wash down those french fries with a cool refreshing glass of Captain Morgan with a splash of Diet Coke.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Sean Cheesman — African Jazz
Frog Dance — Mickey Hart & Planet Drum

Noelle loves her brother. Russell is a talented artist — sketching, drawing, that sort of thing. I don’t know how Noelle & Russell have no clue what African Jazz is. I’m a little white girl from St. Louis. I figured it out. Choreographer is handsome in a if-Phil-Ivey-were-a-dancer kind of way.

I really wish Debbie Allen was judging tonight. I think she might just LOVE this. I’m pretty damn impressed. Way to end the show on a high note. Noelle & Russell as strong, the way they’re able to lift one another and flip the other over, yes, but they’re also just strong dancers. Yup. Definitely impressed. Great routine and they nailed it.

The judges find it joyful. There is characterization and storylines. The audience can identify! I bet Crazy Mary puts them on her Hot Tamale Train, since no one has been allowed aboard tonight, but that’s only because Crazy Mary hasn’t had time to lock up the booze (she has to keep a backup supply!) in the bar cart yet. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH. She’s screaming CRAZY GOOD. The booze on the hot tamale train is now secure. Let them board, Mary, let them board. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH CAN YOU HEAR IT NIGEL??

All aboard the Hot Tamale Train for Russell and Noelle. Quick! Grab a drink before the booze runs out. If you get lucky, you may even be allowed into Mary’s secret booze locker. Well, just wait until she passes out and gently take the key from her bra (don’t feel her up, just grab the key, ya sicko!). You know Crazy Mary Murphy keeps the key to her booze closet in her bra as well as you know your own name, so don’t even play like this surprises you.

Spread the word. Do it.

What’s the fun in that?

SYTYCD is taking advantage of the Yankees-Angels ALCS only going 6 games to give us an hour of dancing and the Goddess Cat Deeley. Of course, I think it may be for 1980s British Hair to tease the public with this “fourth judge”.

For all the hell Nigel Lythgoe gets, Idol was better with him at the helm. He may catch flack for his seemingly anti-gay humor (I think he’s just being British — Americans tend to take things way too seriously in the name of political correctness) but 1980s British Hair is a smart man. He knows everyone LOVES Percocet Paula! They’re probably gonna have to stock more Captain Morgan backstage now that Ms. Abdul is coming aboard, but yay for Nigel to showing Paula some love. Frak you, Idol. America loves kind-hearted crazy people, not those with a vocabulary limited to the words dawg and sing and phonebook; and SHIT FOR BRAINS who can’t get their numbers right and write songs like No Boundaries and Open Toes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0KUaL9X5Yo

So now we know Paula Abdul isn’t one of the million or so Americans out of work right now. While I have a feeling she would be fine financially, I must admit, I do like me some crazy Paula on my crappy reality talent contests. I don’t want to buy the woman’s jewelry or anything, but I’m not looking forward to an American Idol (not like I actually anticipate that garbage in the first place) without Paula Abdul. I think Ellen DeGeneres is great, but hey, she’s no Percocet Paula.

I want to get drunk at a trashy, country & western mechanical-bull bar with Mary Murphy and Paula Abdul. This thought just came over me. Because it would be all sorts of awesome. We would have to have a driver, but that’s cool, because I’m a safety first kind of gal!

Back to this show…and the season’s first group dance!

Comanche (The Revels)
Wade & Amanda Robson

Sweet. SYTYCD is telling America’s youth that it’s okay to smokey-smoke. And Mormon Mollee Moron, I believe, looks like a painted on…

I’ve always loved this song, ever since Pulp Fiction. And I’m digging this group number because its truly a production. I’m also thinking tapper Bianca Revels is going to be a force to recon with in the upcoming competition.

Beggin’ (District 78 Remix) — Madcon
Tabitha & Napoleon

This week, they’re choreographing the three hip-hop dancers — Krumper Russell Ferguson, B-Boy Jonathan “Legacy” Perez, and Kevin Hunte. Whoo hoo. Russell Ferguson is actually from Boston. Not that I’m all about rooting for hometowners, but it’s nice to see a couple of kids from the area represent.

The routine is fun, energetic and all that jazz. Everyone is good, however, I dunno…Russell Ferguson seems to be a definite standout for me. I also wonder as to if anyone stuck money in their hats at the conclusion of the performance. People are crazy, ya know?

Oh wait…I spoke WAY too soon. All the cute sorority girls they bus in from USC came rushing up waving dollar bills. I bet that shit was counterfeit. Not because these three fine young gentleman don’t deserve the Washingtons, but ya know, this is SYTYCD, the sister show to American Idol...this stuff is as fixed as RuPaul.

Why do I often enjoy 1980s British Hair’s sincere enthusiasm? Why do I want NappyTabs to teach me hip hop dancing? Where is Sonya Tayeh? I miss Sonya.

Crying — k.d. Lang
Tyce DiOrio (Contemporary)

Nathan Trasoras, Jakob Carr, Channing Cooke and Ariana Debose are this season’s contemporary dancers. I thought Tyce Tyce “>DiOrio only did Broadway. Color me stupid. If he’s doing contemporary, where the frak is my girl Sonya??? Ariana notes Tyce is more a director than a choreographer. Dude. I totally thought a choreographer WAS a director…of dance.

People are running around in ripped, cream-hued garments to a k.d. lang song. It’s like a Massingil commercial where the chick not only loses her fresh feeling, but also her dog. Lovely, yes. But this type of contemporary dance is putting me to sleep. I want angry Sonya back! Tyce’s “sadness” dance is too overwrought with faux-emotive theatrics. It may be contemporary, yes, but it’s still Broadway.

But it doesn’t take my love away from Nathan and Channing!

(In case you were wondering, I’m saving the Mary-Murphy-Glass-Is-Almost-Empty game for the voting rounds. And HELLO?? So glad Paula gets to drink out of a transparent unmarked glass now! WHOO HOO VICODIN HOO!!!)

TAP IS THE NEW GAY

Take the “A” Train — Ella Fitzgerald
Derek Kaye Grant

Tappers Peter Sabasino, Bianca Revels, and Phillip Atmore–this season’s THREE tappers–are performing together with a brand new choreographer. I really have no idea as to why the tap contingency has been ignored for 5 seasons of SYTYCD. It’s tap dancing for chrissake. Remember Gregory Hines? That man was amazing. Saw him once, not long before he died. On my 23rd birthday as I left the Russian Tea Room. Gregory Hines was standing outside talking to two friends. He wasn’t tap dancing, but it was still awesome. RIP Gregory Hines.

Plus, everybody loves tap dancing. It makes people smile. It’s classic. Timeless. And hello? A Rastafarian was teaching them this routine. How is tap not cool? Forget about tap dancers, how bizarre is it that there’s never been a tap dance on the show. This is so refreshing after so many Massingil commercial contemporary routines. I like the tappers. And I’m really starting to adore Bianca Revels.

1980s British Hair still thinks its gonna be tough for the tappers, because the others can’t do tap…but they have to do everybody else’s style. Hey, color me stupid, but my niece has danced her entire life. She’s majoring in dance (and math) in college and she’s now taken up aerials. But until college, she was always, ballet/tap/jazz. It’s like the standard curiculum…so it’s not like these guys are going in with ZERO other dance experience.

(Anyway…you know that feel-good magical negro sports movie Sandra Bullock has coming out, The Blind Side? I kind of want to see it. I’ll wait until its on cable. Sometimes I like feel-good sports movies but there is no way in hell it’s gonna be better than the Goldie Hawn classic Wildcats.)

JAZZ HANDIES

Oh groan. Ellenore Scott, Pauline Tata and Mormon Mollee Moron show up for their jazz rehearsal with…

On a Cloud — PPP
SONYA TAYEH!!!

Sonya claims its difficult for her to teach girls how to be sexy when she’s not sexy at all. WHATEVIA. Sonya Tayeh is totally sexy. Because she’s Sonya Tayeh. And frankly, she puts out some of the most innovative and imaginative routines seen on this show. I also end up downloading at least 1 or 2 songs per season because I discover them through Tayeh’s routines.

It makes me sad Mollee gets to hang out with Sonya so soon. But the other girls are coolio for now. They managed to straighten Mollee’s hair…but she still looks idiotic. Ellenore and Pauline seem to move more naturally…it just doesn’t seem as forced with them…so they should stop giving Mollee excess solo moments. This is supposed to be a “sexy” routine, but her youthful (Utah) naivite is uh, definitely making her seem about 14-15-years-old again. Adam Shankmann thinks Sonya was able to make jazz hands and tutus sexy, which is uber-difficulty. He also thinks MMM danced with maturity. Meh. Have you noticed they’re telling them ALL nice things tonight? It’s all a ruse!

THE EXPANDED GUIDE TO CONTEMPORARY LIVING

And our second set of contemporary dancers take the stage, including Billy Bell, who was forced to drop out of the competition today due to illness. After reading the official statement from Billy Bell’s family, all I can say is GET WELL SOON. The poor guy. I really hope he makes a full recovery. It’s terrible, and hopefully, he will dance again and most importantly, return to his studies at Julliard.

Victor Smalley, Billy Bell, Noelle Marsh and Torture Tears Kathryn McCormick are paired up with Mandy Moore. Mandy Moore always seems so nice. I like her. She’s goofy.

Jesus christ. ANOTHER BLOODY TOENAIL ON SYTYCD!!!

I guess they’re doing…Viva La Vida?

Viva La Vida — Coldplay
Mandy Moore

There is a cheesy wooded backdrop. I think they are supposed to be forest people. Mormon Mollee Moron’s BFF Noelle Marsh is 20x the dancer MMM is. They keep doing those leaps and stuff. You know, that contemporary crap, yet I rally can’t begrudge their talent. I can’t do any of that stuff, not in a organized routine, anyway. And right now, I really don’t care what they do as long as I don’t have to hear Torture Tears speak or EGAD cry.

Adam Shankmann offers a nice history and explanation of contemporary vs. jazz styles. Contemporary is rooted in classical, while jazz is more about characterization. I like Adam Shanmann. Plus, he made Hairspray. Considering not only my black heart, but also my refusal to see 98% of anything featuring a noted Scientologist (Hey, it pains me every Sunday night to know Peggy Olson sipped the barley water as a child.), lemme just tell you how much I LOVE Hairspray. If you don’t like Hairspray, you suck as a person and at life. You probably all kick puppies and kittens.

BALLROOM BLITZ

Everything I Can’t Have — Robin Thicke
Jason Gilkison

Let’s gear up for a fancy threesome with ballroom/latin dancers Karen Hauer, plus husband & wife finalists Ryan DiLello and Ashleigh DiLello. This might be fun…or at least the inspiration for an adult movie writer/director or something.

Appropriately, we have the whole love triangle thing going on in this little ballroom number, which reminds me I know nothing about Robin Thicke except his father was on Growing Pains and I met him when I was 12. And now he does commercials hawking time shares on manmade swamp land in Las Vegas or something. I’ve heard this Robin Thicke is quite popular with the kids these days. He sounds like he’s aiming to be the adopted love child of Michael Buble and Justin Timberlake. But the song is kind of fun, as is the dance. And in case you were wondering, Ashleigh gets her husband Ryan back by the end of the song.

I don’t think Crazy Mary Murphy is busting out free tickets to her Crazy Captain Morgan & Vicodin Hot Tamale Train until the judging rounds begin, but she thought they were hot hot hot like Buster Poindexter.

Tomorrow night, this shit show returns for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Ugh. But…I think PERCOCET PAULA WILL BE THERE!!! So take two and read me in the evening.

I promise.

Spread the word. Do it.

They’re even showing Jeanine and Evan first, you see, because they’ve already determined their final two — Kayla and Brandon.

Powder is getting too big of an ego for someone who wears vintage Contempo Casuals. This girl is a walking Rave sale rack, circa 1991. She’s shaking it on stage like she already won the whole damn thing. I really hope Jeanine “accidentely” whacks her in the face again.

Anyhoo, let’s get on with the show. Adam Shankmann is in the house and Mary Murphy is wearing an evening gown, which she only does when there it’s a special night at Miss Kitty’s Saloon.

I think I want to spend the entire night bashing Powder and whatever cheap outfit she is wearing.

Top 4
Boys Boys Boys (Lady GaGa)
Wade Robson

Wade Robson has created some sort of cheerleading routine. Football players and cheerleader. They allow Powder to speak and she has to sound out the word en-ter-tain because its well, it’s a big word, ya know?

Jeanine herkeys better than Powder. The only thing Powder has working for her in this routine is that she looks more like a trampy cheerleader. Well, this routine was just…ok. I kind of expected more from Wade Robson, didn’t you?

Now onto filler material chronicling five whole seasons of SYTYCD.

Jeanine & Evan
Contemporary — Sonya Tayeh
Heartbreaker (MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend)

Jeanine misses Ade and Ade’s Pick. As do I. Evan says Jeanine has a violent side. HA. Nah, she’s just sick of having to live with Powder. I love Jeanine and Sonya (Evan is cool, too, but I want Jeanine and Sonya, and Cat Deeley, of course, to be my new best girlfriends.)

Hands down, Sonya picks the best music used on the show. While I’m not sure if I think Evan deserves to be in the Top 4, I do really like the kid. He seems to have an almost supernatural ability to face whatever challenges come his way as a dancer, rises to the occasion and takes it to the next level when he is paired with a “stronger dancer” than himself. He’s got moxy. So does Jeanine. Jeanine is basically the co-queen of moxy (the other ones being Sonya and Cat).

I like this dance because it flaunts both Evan and Jeanine’s strength. I don’t think another dancer on this show has been as adaptable to different styles or partners as Jeanine.

Shankmann says he never saw Jeanine coming, and never saw Evan in the Top 4, but now he pretty much bites his tongue. He thinks Evan is the molehill who became the mountain on the show. And we get to see Sonya in the audience. I love watching Sonya bask in the glow of her peers’ words and a well-done routine by her dancers. Crazy Mary thought Evan and Jeanine would be good partners (i.e., she wants Brandon and Powder to be in the Top 2). 1980s British Hair thinks Evan can’t be thrown around on stage anymore tonight…uh, wasn’t that the point of the routine, which I think he gets but hey…at least he calls out how AWESOME Jeanine is and how great she has become while on the show.

Brandon Bryant
Dies Irae (Karl Jenkins)

Brandon misses Janette. I kind of do, too. Would rather have her around than Powder/the lost Dollanganger sister. Brandon thinks Mia gave him tough love. I think she was just working a good story line.

I want my name on a big screen like this and I want to dance in front of it. Just because. It looks like something everyone should do at least once.

Brandon flops around dramatically. The guy is talented, super intense. It’s actually kind of insane. This show makes me want to go to the gym. The judges cream themselves over Brandon. Crazy Mary sobs, but I’m just thankful they extended the shot to FINALLY show the judges’ beverages. Just give Brandon the title already, while he’s no Twitch or Joshua, we all know he’s going to win…unless they have mandated a female dancer this year?

NOOOOOO! Brandon and Powder will be dancing a Broadway Tyce routine. I think I may actually not fast forward through this commercial break, but go to my bathroom and readily apply some Jergen’s Natural Glow.

Brandon & Kayla
Broadway — Tyce DiOrio
Bye Bye Love (All That Jazz)

I love seeing how Powder-y Kayla looks when standing next to a person of color. The simple things in life are what make me laugh, and the look on Brandon’s face is priceless.

Once again, they allow Powder to talk and she has difficulty forming small words. My cat, Oskar, has a larger vocabulary than this chick.

This may be the gayest thing I have seen since walking home in the park near my house. Powder is wearing a Lady GaGa hand-me-down and Brandon is donning a smoking jacket found at Elton John’s last yard sale.

They did some impressive as all hell flip-turn, oh I don’t know what to call it, but he rotated Powder about 360 degrees while she was in the splits. Yes, even I was impressed by that one. Of course, I still totally loathe Powder, even though I love watching her family in the audience. I wish they had a different daughter.

BAD SHANKMANN BAD!!! He says those are the two he KNEW he would see in the Final 4. I like you Shankmann, stop blowing sunshine up Powder’s ass. Maybe you should say, start blowing sunshine over the rest of her so the idiot doesn’t look as if she just crawled out from a crypt at Calvary Cemetary.

All the judges cream themselves over those two, I’m not even going to dignify the rest because Crazy Mary is making my ears hurt and I’m sick of hearing about Powder. The basically are trashing Jeanine and Evan with their words of praise over Powder and Brandon.

Jeanine
Por Una Cabeza (The Tango Project)

Jeanine rocks. And Cat Deeley is actually an EXCELLENT interviewer. Love them both. Jeanine misses Jason, but I’m sure she misses Ade, Ade’s Pick and PHILLIP. Can’t wait until they’re all reunited tomorrow.

Jeanine is doing her solo to the song better known as the tango number in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. At least that’s how I know it. And I know translated into english it means for your head. Because I am SMART, just as Jeanine rocks. She also looks awesome. I think she brought Shankmann to tears, but she brought them all to their feet. They better eat their words about Powder after seeing this shit. Yes, indeed, it was a risky solo. And, yes…SHE KILLED IT. Hell, Shankmann is almost making me get misty eyed at this point (which I also blame on PMS, see the brownie batter, need to see chick flick from last evening.)

Crazy Mary claims she knew how brilliant Jeanine was since the beginning. I don’t buy it, however, I do agree with her “peaking at the right time”. 1980s British Hair says she’ll be in the Final 2, which I think is all bullshit because he pulled that shit on Ade last week and he and Ade’s Pick are now sitting in the audience. I think he just wants people to “think” she will be there…it’s all part of the evil plan.

Brandon & Evan
Laurieann Gibson
Nasty (Janet Jackson)

Why is the choreographer wearing headphones during her interview? Yes, I undersand this is a fashion statement of sorts, but I do not believe she is a DJ and well, she’s getting interviewed. She does not need headphones.

White Guy v. Black Guy! So timely! Let’s BEER SUMMIT over this next dance.

Well, at least they cleared one Jackson’s songs. This song takes me back to the 8th grade, which really is not a pleasant place to return. It still is a kick ass song, though. The dance is kind of fun, very Bad-esque, no? But you know what would make Evan look tougher? A SHANK.

Hey, I like these guys. They’re fun…and they’re better than POWDER.

(On an unrealted note, I can hear Paul McCartney singing Yesterday from my living room right now. It’s the next best thing to being at the show. And the Tivo is on pause and I am staring at the moon. What is wrong with me? I think I just shared a moment with myself.)

Evan can totally dance on his toes, indicating ample ballet training, I think? I don’t know. I’ve never been a dancer. But I could have been, oh I COULD HAVE BEEN A DANCER. (Just kidding.) Shankmann thought Evan didn’t do too hot, leading to the inevitable pimping of Brandon, although I must agree the guy looks like too much of a sweetheart to pull such nastiness off.

Evan, what’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

BRING CRAZY MARY ANOTHER COCKTAIL! STAT! BRING MAMA A COCKTAIL! If it weren’t for the stupid table contraption, I would totally be able to give everyone an ETA on where her beverage is at the moment.

Everyone thinks Brandon outdanced Evan and he is incapable of being Nasty. Cat Deeley doesn’t care. She loves them both. Cat Deeley loves all her dancers, why? Because Cat Deeley is a GODDESS.

Jeanine & Kayla
Mia Michaels — Contemporary

It’s kind of a journey we’ve been through in this competition and you’ve had to shed layers and go through different processes to make it where we are now.

Before you think Powder had an original & deep thought, think again. She totally repeated what Mia Michaels told her about the dance AND just proved she can’t use pronouns for shit. I don’t like the fact it seems Powder is in front once again (see Sonya’s routine from last week where she was championed for those “difficult moves”).

Jeanine and Powder are kind of off on some of their moves, but it almost seems deliberate in a way. This routine is also VERY underwhelming, plus Powder is in front and positioned in such an angle where she appears to be doing “more” than Jeanine. This also plays up to her “grabbing” of clothing, which is a common theme throughout Powder solos. Overall, I’m not excited about this performance and am worried Jeanine is going to have her ass handed to her when placed in a side-by-side comparison to the judges’ chosen one…which also happened last week, to an extent, to her and Melissa in the aforementioned Superheroes routine.

Definitely one of Mia Michaels’ weaker routines. Even Adam Shankmann had trouble saying he enjoyed it, although he covers well because he’s Adam Shankmann. Crazy Mary is just reciting stuff which was written for her, trying to infuse emotion into it, however, I still swear no one is feeling it — even if she says they’re the two strongest girls in the Final 4 EVER. Sorry, 1980s British Hair, it really wasn’t a memorable routine. Please don’t even compare it to Joshua and Twitch’s Trepak from last season. Although he does give credit for CALLING OUT JEANINE and not POWDER. HA HA HA. Suck it, Powder, suck it.

Evan
The Best is Yet to Come (Michael Buble)

I totally miss Evan’s bald brother. Oh Ryan, I hope you become a HUGE choreographer. Of course, you should know you can’t try out as brothers and expect to both make it during the same season, because that would just make American miss out on the faux-tension of making the Top 20. (Unrelated…I really, really, really want the shoes Cat Deeley was wearing during the interview.)

I wish Evan could dance to the classic original version of this song. I’ve just never been able to get into Michael Buble, even if they sell his music at Target (I love Target). I like Evan. I know he won’t win this thing but I think he proved enough just by making the Final 4, and hell, the kid has the best acrobatic ability of any James van der Beek doppelganger I’ve ever seen.

Shankmann recalls this routine was a variation on his audition piece, which he thinks was a calculated move which may have been risky, but it could pay off. Crazy Mary thinks he has excited millions of young people about his dance style of yore, because she really, really worries it could get lost. 1980s British Hair tears the poor kid down, tells him he hasn’t grown as a dancer. 1980s British Hair may have fired up a bunch of Evan fans…hmmm…

Evan & Kayla
Tony Meredith & Melanie LaPatin — Jive
T.R.O.U.B.L.E. (Travis Tritt)

YAY! The choreographers have found Powder’s weakness — her inability to get simple, basic moves a monkey could do in their cage. During the beginning of the rehearsal scene, I also could swear they were using Snow’s The Informer as the soundtrack.

Come on, Evan, DROP YOUR BIG WOMAN. Whoa. They’re doing a COUNTRY song? Please tell me this was the producers’ plan all along, to send off Powder on the Performance Finale (well…she is still the last solo…bastards) by putting her in an outfit most befitting?

Frankly, Powder can’t jive for shit. The moves are…christ, I wish I had proper dance training now because I would be better able to explain, but…there is something too STIFF about everything. Evan seems to feel the music, feel the moves and relaxes into it. With this song and this routine, it does not look bad. It works. There is a laid-back crispness to it, whereas Powder comes off as very jerky and slutty…obviously trying way too hard. (Granted, the sluttiness is kind of an element of the routine, but…her sluttiness was a bit TOO MUCH.) Each one of Powder’s moves are TOO dramatic and over-the-top for this routine.

Evan continues to deftly handle his big woman, but come on, she’s totally faltered with this routine. It may be safe to say she is a one-trick pony. Kayla Radomski. Game over.

Shankmann hates it. Crazy Mary uses it to bring Evan down, claiming Powder stole the show. Uh…Crazy Mary, stop drinking. Get off the Kayla train. Oh, and I have no idea what 1980s Britsh Hair was watching, but at least he was nicer to Evan again, whose name is chanted by the ENTIRE audience — moving him to tears, while Powder looks on waiting for more smoke to be blown up her ass. Let the guy have his moment, you annoying little wench. What? PERSONALITY? HER PERSONALITY WAS BEAUTIFUL TO SEE? She acted like a barroom hussy or a lot lizard with runaway bride eyes.

(Yes. Yes. I KNOW I am being ridiculously harsh on Ms. Radomski this evening, even more so than usual. Write me hate comments telling me I have a miserable life. Fine. I really don’t care. The girl bugs me and I didn’t want her in the Final 4, dammit! I didn’t! I admit it. I am still bitter about this season completely sucking in comparison to last year, which was the first time I had ever watched the show and…well…I just miss Twitch and Joshua and Katee and Courtney.)

Kayla
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These) Annie Lennox

Oh goody. Brandon and Jeanine are finishing things off this evening. The Goddess’ interview with Powder should be very eye opening, because she is a very deep girl. It’s a shame I absolutely love her grandparents, it almost makes me feel bad for calling her Powder and A Flower in the Attic. (Obviously, they would not be the grandparents who would keep their grandchild in the attic.) White Lightening. HA! I LOVE YOU DEBBIE ALLEN. Powder tries to sound all smart by talking about how much she loved her addiction piece, because you know, it like, OMG, spoke to people. Oh, and she just said she really knows how to reach out and pull people in. Conceited hussy.

Powder does her jerky moves all over the stage, kicks a lot, grabs at her Fredrick’s of Hollywood sale rack ensemble, dance is over.

Shankmann tries to explain to Powder that America hates her, but also calls her one of the best dancers they’ve ever seen on the show. Crazy Mary talks about her being touched by an angel and having some spirt about her. She clearly needs another drink. 1980s British Hair also acknowledges America hates her, but is nice about it. They all want everyone to love Powder, however, NO ONE DOES. Just like she had no idea what you meant when you used the word vociferous.

Jeanine & Brandon
Louis van Amstel — Paso Doble
Tetsujin (The Matrix)

Talk about personality. Jeanine. Jeanine has PERSONALITY. Louis van Beer loves Brandon and Jeanine together and I must say, what a way to end the evening — a Paso Doble set to The Matrix score? THESE ARE YOUR FINAL TWO DANCERS.

Seriously, watching Jeanine dance after a double dose of Powder just proves who is the superior female contestant. Jeanine never looks like she is trying too hard. Perhaps she does not have the extension of Powder, but that’s just one aspect. Jeanine is the total package. Powder should just go join The Rockettes.

The judges love it. Crazy Mary FINALLY sticks someone on the Hot Tamale Train! And it’s not Powder! 1980s British Hair starts saying all sorts of inappropriate things about Brandon being a race horse wanting to just get out of the stall and go after Jeanine and making him want to go after her, too. Apparently, hot flashes are epidemic because I think 1980s British Hair just had one, too…but hey, I can’t begrudge him, he did admit Brandon and Jeanine were the best of the night.

If you vote, you know what to do. Ade’s Pick wants you to VOTE FOR JEANINE!!!

(Wait…did they just say Evan’s Bald Brother will be in SEASON SIX???? YES!!!)

Spread the word. Do it.

Two hours of CAT DEELEY!!! Whoo hoo. She is such a goddess. Zelda Fitzgerald could not have even pulled off such stunning looks in her Parisian ex-pat days with F. Scott.

Okay. I’ve already decided I will hate Caitlin, who dresses kind of over-the-top skany in comparison to the others. And maybe Kayla. Because I hate “bubbly blond chicks” on these shows. Oh. And maybe Randi. Hell, she even spells her name with an i.

There should be only one blond on this show and her name is CAT DEELEY.

(I also want to know why Mia Michaels hates poor Brandon so much…perhaps I will have to wait until next week)

I have new babies!

And she said it without a teleprompter! And it was charming! Seacrest, please study this goddes intently and try to learn something. You can detect genuine enthusiasm with each vocal inflection.

And yay! Adam Shankman is here. And hell, Crazy Mary isn’t even pretending there ain’t rum in her drink. Christ, I love it. Each judge is sitting there with a plastic highball. Ooooh, And 1980s British Hair is looking more like himself than he did with that borderline crewcut he was sporting during Vegas Week.

Adam Shankman has already downed his drink and I may now have to see Step Up 3D because not only are Katee and Joshua in it, but TWITCH has a HUGE ROLE.

Ok…recap of auditions and stuff to that Fray song…Gotta admit, I’m still pissed about Natalie getting the boot. But as one TI reader suggested, she will most likely be one of the ones with a huge focus during the fall season, as it appears they built up a lot of this season’s cut dancers as potential big stars for this next round, so…

Jeanine & Phillip
Mad (Ne-Yo)

I already like Jeanine because she is a brunette with a relatively normal, strong-girl body. They’re doing a hip hop (lyrical hip hop) from Tabitha and Napoleon. I actually really like a lot of the choreographers on here, well, all except bitchy Broadway Tyce. Phillip is goofy looking in that big-earred, goofy way which somehow works for white dudes doing hip hop, but not for white dudes who just dress like they can do hip hop.

His popping and locking or whatever you call it is kind of insane. I think anyone paired with him would find it difficult to match each move exactly. He’s just to clean. Every move is just bam-bam-bam. But I like Jeanine, and she’s keeping up better than most people.

But I will totally admit to hating the song. But yes, I love Cat Deeley.

Adam Shankman says its freaking unreal and says Jeanine held her own, despite her complete and utter lack of hip hop experience. I am such a sap. I love it when Shankman gets all moved by the dancers. I want to invite him to a dinner party and drink a bunch of Chilean Malbec with the man. I want him to try and teach me how to do some dancing and then laugh at me while saying, girlfriend, you got it all wrong. And then we will laugh and laugh and laugh.

Crazy Mary is on fire. Now fill up her cup! Bitch needs more booze! If anyone ever meets Crazy Mary, I want you to call me and put her on the phone. I want to hear how loud she speaks on a phone because the woman is unable to ever speak in a quiet voice. I bet they don’t even need to turn on her mic at the judge’s table. She is the personification of a crazy beautiful drunken megaphone.

Asuka & Vitolio
Hot Honey Rag (from Chicago)

1980s British Hair so outs himself as a little Asian girl fetishist whenever Asuka take the stage. NOOOOOO. Asuka & Vitolio are doing some dance choreographed by Broadway Tyce. I’m not denying his brilliance as a choreographer, I’m just not inviting him to my fabulous dinner party with myself, Shankman and a case of Chilean Malbec.

Broadway Tyce isn’t being as bitchy tonight. But his complete bitchy queen routine during the auditions made me hate him for the time being. Plus sometimes I just get so bored with that ragtime crap. Alas. I won’t judge…yet…I did enjoy Chicago. Actually, I liked the movie more than the stage version I saw in London in 2000, but I digress…

Asuka & Vitolio are engaging, entertaining and endearing. Plus, I’m comforted by the fact we’ve now seen more racial diversity than witnessed in the Top 12 of American Idol. Oh, and Vitolio spent part of his childhood in an orphanage. In Haiti. And yet, I don’t think he’s started a charitable organization which he’s silently promoting with hand signals. His back story was hopeful and triumphant, and nothing more than a peek into this guy’s life. I did not feel force-fed all sorts of tragedy in that minute-long biography.

Okay, okay, okay. I’ll try to stop giving you every reason why SYTYCD is a superior show to American Idol. Let’s hear what the judges say. And more importantly, let’s hear Cat Deeley spout off more awesomeness.

I do agree with Shankman’s comment about it being artificial. For some reason, I think all of Broadway Tyce’s dances may be artificial. Technically, it was great, but yeah, I’m seeing where they’re coming from. I’m even seeing where Crazy Mary was coming from. OMG. ALL THE JUDGES ARE SAYING THINGS WHICH MAKE SENSE AND CAN BE USED TO HELP IMPROVE THE DANCERS. No one said, you can dance the phonebook dawg!

Yeah, I had to compare again. Just bear with me, ok?

Karla & Jonathan
Poker Face (Lady GaGa)

Karla admits to having professional experience and touring with Wicked. Maybe she hung out with Adam Lambert. Personally, I find it nice this chick up and admitted some parts on Broadway and a national tour. That shit’s just a no-no on Idol.

Karla & Jonathan are doing the Cha Cha to Lady GaGa. Yeah, that shit RHYMED!  (I wonder if Lady GaGa will watch this and cry because it is not as ARTISTIC as she believes everything associated with her music should be.) Jonathan has those big blue eyes young girls go nutty for, yet I think just look girly and obnoxious. Sorry, I don’t like my men looking like puppy dogs. And Jonathan is a complete eyefucker, and that stuff just always skeeves me out when I’m sitting here all safe and comfy on my West Elm sofa (Product plug! Can I get a discount?). I feel the need to pull up the blanket just a bit further to protect me from all that VD in HD.

They’re good and it was fun. It was kind of cool when he spun her around like one of those music box dancers. The edit of Poker Face felt unfullfilling, but that crap happens when you have to make it under 2 minutes. At the end, I wonder if she is winking (in character!) or just got something in her eye. Jonathan eyefucks the girls in the front row. Because he wants the vote of all those who find that Zac Efron kid simply dreamy.

Apparently, Jonathan already has a voting bloc of sign-making sickos. Or they are family and friends. Hmmm…not sure which is more disturbing.

Shankman thought it was really good, even if he thinks their frame dropped a big. OMG I just love it so much when these judges talk technical. He spouts off some other technical criticism.

It’s earplug time.

Yes, 1980s British Hair knows what’s up. As does Shankman. Crazy Mary is at least four sheets to the wind at this point. She starts quoting Lady GaGa in her critique, screaming it was rough and fun while cackling. BRING THIS BITCH SOME MORE BOOZE!

1980s British Hair says they exploded with chemistry. Jonathan gives gayboy eyefuck to his Karla and then the audience. They’re both super excited! And how old is Jonathan, because I keep thinking he’s like 17.

Randi & Evan
I Only Have Eyes For You (Jamie Cullem)

Randi (with an I) is dancing with Evan, who I love. They’re also doing a Broadway Tyce jazz dance (yawn), although I’m sure Evan will nail that shit. Randi talks about being a “country girl”. I find her even more annoying. I hope Evan’s brother comes back next season, because you know they would never have put them both through the Top 20.

I guess Randi is married. Clearly too young. (Mormon?) While I think Randi-With-An-I has a great body, some of her moves suck. There is a zombie jerkiness to some of her moves. And I swear I’m not just saying this because she is a blond girl who married too young, might be Mormon and spells her name with an i. She could have been a single, godless liberal with dyed brown hair just like myself and I still would have mentioned zombie jerkiness in describing her performance.

(YAY! Pearl Cream just showed up. He woke up at 1pm, got some action, went to work, went to the gym and now came over to watch SYTYCD. Damn. Wish I had HIS life.)

Randi-With-An-I seems to have a bit of a hunchback. Damn! Her husband John is not in the audience. BOOO!!! HISS!!! I need to see them in matching aprons, dammit!

Pearl Cream: She’s not hunchbacked, she’s just trying to be cutesy.

Me: I hate all blonds on reality TV except Cat Deeley. Hush now!

I really don’t hate Randi-With-An-I. I find it more difficult to hate people on SYTYCD more so than Idol. Awww. Evan’s brother-cut-for-the-sake-of-drama is in the audience with his other brother. Pearl Cream thinks he will have a good career as a choreographer now.

Shankman waxes philosophical about their lines. I am totally pegging Evan and Robert in the Top 4 right now. I will put money on it.

YAY! During the commercial break (well, more likely during Randi & Evan’s dance, since she drinks fast) someone filled up Crazy Mary’s drink. It’s why she starts off a bit calm, just because she’s relieved someone gave her more booze.

Pearl Cream: They need to show someone coming by and refilling it.

YAY! Crazy Mary may have started out calm, but you know she’s just working up into some killer Crazy Mary-isms. She says something about the stars smoldering. And then she goes WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I just love the fact they booze it up on SYTYCD and do not even hide it under opaque Coca Cola tumblers. PLASTIC HIGHBALLS, baby, PLASTIC HIGHBALLS filled with Captain Morgan and Diet Coke.

1980s British Hair continues to cream all over Randi-With-An-I & Evan, and their routine. Beautiful Cat Deeley calls them the juciest little couple and wants to put them in her pocket. Cat Deeley, I love you.

Oooh! Bollywood Dance coming up! Bollywood Dance! Granted, I don’t know if it can surpass the magic of Katee & Joshua’s number from last year, but…Bollywood dancing! Bollywood dancing!

Paris & Tony
Let The Beat Rock (Boys Noise Megamix) (The Black Eyed Peas)

I recall liking Paris from the auditions. Poor Paris was in a bad car accident and couldn’t feel part of her leg for awhile, yet she doesn’t seem to be crying about it or begging me to donate to a car accident charity. Tony was torn between playing college lacrosse and dancing, and maybe getting on the show will convince his dad he wasn’t stupid for turning down that lacrosse scholarship.

They’re doing a hip hop routine. Pearl Cream thinks Tony is sooooo cute. Pearl Cream loves the fresh-faced younguns. I am now craving Captain Morgan and Diet Coke after watching the judges sip such goodness from their clear-blue highballs for the last hour.

Ok. Kind of already loving Paris and Tony, maybe because I liked her since Miami but these kiddies are pretty damn good, especially while forced to wear cumbersome headphones as part of their intense high tops and pleather costume. Even if they were a bit off sometimes, I loved it. I have no idea why, but I liked that shit, maybe because I wasn’t expecting it, perhaps?

Shankman likes it, but gives a few buts…Of course Daddy is gonna have a few buts. SYTYCD Drink Refiller person has not come over to refresh his beverage in some time. This ice is kind of melting.

Shankman finds their costumes distracting. Crazy Mary doesn’t think it will be memorable. She says they were just good. Awwww. Now I feel bad for Paris and Tony. 1980s British Hair agrees with Crazy Mary. Come on! They were the only ones forced to dance with DJ headphones! He tells them their stanks stank.

I think you should vote for them because they were forced to wear garbage.

Caitlin & Jason
Jai Ho (from Slumdog Millionaire)

This chick was clearly picked only for her girl-next-door looks. It’s the only reason I can fathom for taking her over Natalie. Or even Caitlin’s sister! Pearl Cream thinks Jason is sooooo cute, even though he looks like a skinnier, younger version of Tracy Morgan.

I love Nakul’s Bollywood numbers, but this one isn’t my favorite, mainly because of the mismatching of the duo. Jason is a stronger dancer than Caitlin. Period.

Jason is so much better than Caitlin. He is sharper. They’re not always in tandem. In comparison to Jason, she looks as if she is going through the motions. And whoa. They kiss at the end? Or almost? There is no kissing in Bollywood movies.

Cat Deeley is a charming goddess and tells them how beautiful they look. Pearl Cream has never seen Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood Dance, so we pause to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvRfNq6r_nI

Pearl Cream: THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!

Me: I KNOW!!! Tonight didn’t even compare.

(I know I shouldn’t compare to last year, but…if you’ve seen the above clip, you know what I’m talking about.)

Uh, hello? Shankman thinks they ROCKED??? Yes, Jason was great, but Caitlin sucked. I can’t believe he thinks she did a great job.

All I can say is that I’M GLAD BOLLYWOOD CAME TO HOLLYWOOD. YES I AM WHOOOOOOOO

Ok, Crazy Mary. Slow down on your booze. Her handstand was not that awesome. I thought it was rather shaky.

Thank you, 1980s British Hair, for bringing up the awesomeness of Joshua & Katee, but I still don’t think they brought it as a couple. Jason may have brought it, but Caitlin…?

Tsk tsk, SYTYCD, why are you pimping the mediocre blond chick so hard? PLEASE don’t be like Idol!

Janette & Brandon
Come Fly With Me (Michael Buble)

Ok. I’m thinking this is the golden couple, but I’m not sure after the judges wet themselves over Caitlin, although I’m thinking she’s gonna be the equivilent of Kherington, who was pretty much just a decent partner for Twitch for a few weeks. Anyway, Janette & Brandon are going to do the Fox Trot to Michael Buble. Come on! Couldn’t you have used the Sinatra version?

I give props to anyone dancing in a dress like that, because frankly, it looks difficult as all hell. Neither Brandon nor Janette are familiar with the Fox Trot but I’m pretty impressed, especially by the end when Brandon effortless spins her around from LA to Montana and back.

Shankman thinks they were great and that Brandon finally showed character in his performance.

CRAZY MARY TELLS THE WORLD SHE USES BOTOX. And then goes YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Everyone, including the Goddess Cat Deeley and Brandon & Janette completely lose their shit.

I can’t believe I just said that!

Oh Crazy Mary, I can believe you just said it. Because you’re Crazy Mary and you are also invited to my dinner party but no wine for you. You will only get Captain & Diet. Speaking of, I think you are needing your beverage topped off.

OMG Crazy Mary. You have outdone Paula. Clearly. It’s like the late 1990s and you’re Reese Witherspoon to Paula’s Alicia Silverstone.

Crazy Mary, do you sell lead-based costume jewelry? Because I totally want to buy some now.

Crazy Mary kind of indirectly slams Mia by screaming that anyone who doesn’t think Brandon is talented is crazy. CRAZY. CRAZY!!!!

Ashley & Kupono
Felt Mountain (Goldfrapp)

Yay! Goldfrapp on SYTYCD. A jazz routine choreographed by Wade Robson about crash test dummies. And robot outfits! Yay! Goldfrapp & robot outfits! Well, actually they’re supposed to be crash test dummies, but I like calling them robots better. Because I adore robots.

Pearl Cream: Look! There’s a little doggy!

Indeed, there is a little doggy. And I’m a sucker for originality and robot stuff. I thought this dance was sweet, tender and touching in its own little way. It was cute and quirky. (Pearl Cream agrees, but that it worked more for Kupono than Ashley.) I agree with Shankman — I really love seeing different things AND few network reality shit shows ever put anything like this on stage. Even if these poor kids look like freaks in the post-performance spotlight.

The judges loved it. 1980s British Hair even thinks Ashley managed to be beautiful while wearing a ridiculous costume. He loved the characters and the story they told. Agreed. This may be my favorite routine of the night. It’s nice when ingenuity is matched by talent.

Melissa & Ade
Right Here Waiting (Richard Marx)

Ah yes, Melissa. The naughty ballerina. I remember liking this chick oh yeah, because she is 29-YEARS-OLD. Melissa, bring it. Love you. Ade is awesome because he does his interview and dances with a pick in his hair (He also DJs and goes to Chapman University). They’re doing a Mandy Moore routine about falling in love, which required them to basically play dirty twister.

Cheesetastic song! Damn, when Marx’s piano up and they start grooving on stage, I am sad because Ade is not wearing his pick! Their attire is simple and inoffensive, yet the ensembles are reminiscent of a romance paperback cover or a douche commercial. They have beautiful lines. They are graceful. They appear to have a genuine connection.

But are they, as Shankman claims, special? Pearl Cream and I watch again. He was too busy perusing Manhunt while I was too busy trying to aptly describe their outfits. Ok, the first time around, I did not give credit to the amazing lift. Pearl Cream doesn’t like her permasmile. I suggest maybe she is all permasmiley when she is in love.

I like Melissa and Ade. Plus I love it when Shankman gets all moved. And when Crazy Mary goes WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW.

How much do you wanna bet Crazy Mary is getting hot flashes like every 7 minutes. It would explain a lot of that hot tamale whoooooo stuff. Oh Crazy Mary, when I am a menopausal drunk, I do kind of want to be like you, abeit if only in the privacy of my own home.

Kayla & Max
House of Gypsies (Jum Bah Day)

Semi-skanky looking Kayla has a sob story, as does Max, who is Russian. But we all have sob stories and at this point, I can’t bitch. I just want to see them do Louis Van Amstel’s samba, even though I also wonder if he drinks Amstel Light just because his name is on the bottle.

Kayla needs to lay off the white trash peroxide. Only some people can pull it off and it never works with hair that long. They kind of rock it, but the song is super energetic. Pearl Cream thinks she looks like Paris Hilton doing the samba. They’re good, and she has killer legs, but she’s too trashy looking. I like Max better. And PC thinks her dress should have been red or black. I am inclined to agree.

Shankman loves them and says he believes in God because only God could have created a girl like Kayla. Yeah, well, he’s been drinking, too.

Pearl Cream: She looks like a hot mess.

Ok. We’re laughing our asses off because yeah, she is a TOTAL hot mess. Hey, SYTYCD makeup crew: have you guys heard of WATERPROOF EYE MAKEUP.

Oh Shankman, if there is a God, I soooo don’t want to go to the Hot Mess Heaven where Kayla lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She has killer legs…and a butterface. Sorry, but…she really needs to throw some lowlights, oh, shit….

CRAZY MARY HEARS A TRAIN. CRAZY MARY HEARS A TRAIN!!!!!

Oh frak me now. The HOT TAMALE TRAIN has pulled into the station. And I have no idea when 1980s British Hair picked up the Tony & Paris headphones. And clearly the HOT TAMALE TRAIN is here because Max & Kayla are the last couple of the night and CRAZY MARY NEEDS ANOTHER DRINK GODDAMMIT!!!

Yeah…a HOT MESS TAMALE TRAIN.1980s British Hair is totally pimping Hot Mess Tamale. Yawn.

Ok. And on the playback of routines, uh…Caitlin…she totally sucked compared to Jason. WEAK hand movements. Were the judges even watching her? Yes, the dance was awesome but she was sooooo beneath Jason.

Wow. Tonight’s episode made me want to both drink and dance!

And on that note. Let’s gaze at the awesomeness which is Cat Deeley one last time for the evening. Love you, Cat Deeley.

Spread the word. Do it.