Ok. WTF. MORON MOLLEE YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID THIS!!! YOU WENT ALL NOMI MALONE ON POOR ASHLEIGH. That whole cover story about the lift is BULLSHIT. I KNOW YOU DID THIS MOLLEE GRAY! I KNOW IT!

Kathryn McCormick & Ryan Di Lello
Disco — Doriana Sanchez
Last Dance — Donna Summer (Samantha Ronson Remix)

Obviously, the judges want to off Kathryn and Ryan, as they are given disco. And they’re going first. Is their second number of the evening going to be the quickstep? But I soooo love how Ryan raided Brian Boitano’s closet. AWESOMENESS. TURQUOISE. LOVES IT.

They’re such adorable little disco freaks. It works for them. I want Ryan’s teeth bleach. Samantha Ronson’s “exclusive” remix wasn’t very exciting…at all. (If Moron Mollee goes in a desirable spot (i.e., final two pairs of the night), I might punch my wall.) The judges–sans 1980s British Hair (who is rocking the vinyl sportcoat tonight)– think they’re adorable and solid. They’re saving their more enthusiastic praise for others, even if Crazy Mary lets out a whoop. She made me giggle when she used the word clarity. Even though I dug it, gotta say I did totally think Ryan was a bit “stiff”, but that’s just how Pearly Whites dances.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr (YAY! She’s not going last! But come on! Pairing her with uber-favorite Jakob??)
Jason Gilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Ordinary Day — Vanessa Carlton

During rehearsals, Moron Mollee tries to show the audience she can count. I bet she can’t get past 8.

THIS SUCKS. ZERO CHEMISTRY. Moron Mollee totally tripped over her steps a couple of times. It becomes increasingly obvious how weak she is when paired with more skilled dancers (i.e., Jakob, anyone who even made it to Vegas on this show). I have no idea why Adam Shankman is blabbering on about how great it was, except for the fact I think Jakob totally needs to be his boy toy. His excessive praise for Mollee is unwarranted and most likely scripted. I will continue to believe The Great Mia Michaels left the show because she refused to deal with Moron Mollee. Are these people completely blind to the fact they had NO CHEMISTRY?? It was like a six-year-old dancing with her cool gay uncle.

To make it even worse, a pan to choreographer Jason Gilkinson reveals POWDER is in the audience, along with an obnoxious Mollee tard sign. Wow. I actually miss Powder. I would readily have Powder back over Moron Mollee. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but its true. The first season I watched Idol, I hated Carrie Underwood. Then I watched the next year and was introduced to Kellie Pickler. I vowed never to watch Idol again…which, uh, we now know were fateful words, indeed. Anyway, this is how I see it:

Farmbot Underwood : Powder :: Kellie Pickler : Moron Mollee

I am almost compelled to pick up my phone and vote for Ashleigh.

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Contemporary — Travis Wall
Machine Gun — Portishead

SYTYCD is revisiting the Mr. & Mrs. Smith thematic once again. Didn’t they do this last season? To music from…Mr. & Mrs. Smith? Now I know the awesome Jeanine Mason did a solo tango to a song featured in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but I would have sworn there was also a routine at some point, no? (Speaking of, ONTD has a hilarious post about more tidpits from the Ian Halperin-penned Bradgelina bio…why does part of me want to read that shit? I mean, that’s the kind of book you NEVER bring out in public and I like to read on the subway.)

I love Ellenore and Legacy. I also think you have no soul if you don’t like Legacy. If I voted on this shit, I would be speed dialing based on his INTENSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS alone. But let’s be fair, he’s the most interesting dancer of the season. And this Travis Wall routine (with some Dubstep-esque Portishead–YAY!) is off the hook. It’s so interesting to watch it immediately after the ho-hum Viennese Waltz. This was all angry sex appeal and oh yeah, it was compelling from start to finish. And the contrast in sheer chemistry between the two, I mean, WHOA. Hands down. If Ellenore and Legacy don’t make it to the Top 4 (Yes, I know the finale is Top 6), I may be compelled to start dashing off Glambert-esque missives to the idiots at Fox and 19 Entertainment.

If Crazy Mary does not stick them on her goddamned hot tamale train, I will take away all her Captain Morgan (Oh, sweet, sweet, Captain Morgan. How I long for your nectar mixed with a diet cola. Alas. I must abstain as I am taking inspiration from Gandhi in my protest of being forced to watch Moron Mollee every damned week.) What?? NO TRAIN?? Well, I suppose I will just be happy with 1980s British Hair suggesting Travis Wall may receive an Emmy nomination for his SICK routine.

AWWWW…look who is coming down off the bad shit and decided to come to stumble into his caretaker’s lap?

Jakob Karr
When You Say My Name — Mario Spinetti

He’s a great dancer. He’s very flexible. He enjoys wearing cowlnecks.

Okay…did we see 8 dancers? Where is Russell? I know Ashleigh can’t dance, but where the hell is Russell? Ah, okay. I was worried!

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Hip Hop — Shane Sparks
Too Much Booty 2 — (Bobby J Remix) Soundmaster T & Jah-Rista featuring Korveil

Damn. I wish Ashleigh was dancing this (Oooh! She’s from Utah! Why are all these dancers Mormons???) because I wanted to see if she could bring it in a down ‘n’ dirty street hip hop routine. Instead, Russell will be dancing with Shane Sparks assistant, Rachel. (How do I become a choreographer’s assistant?)

For some reason, I think Ashleigh would have killed it much more so than Rachel the Assistant, who looks like the most unlikely assistant to a well-respected hip hop choreographer, as I clearly give of more of a hood rat vibe than this chick. I’ve decided I am a huge Russell fan because I am so in love with the genuine glee I so often see on his face when dancing, and this was especially true in this number. (But hell, I will definitely admit to having a bias towards the krumpers and bboys on this show.)

1980s British Hair wants to touch your breasts.

Mollee Gray
Heartburn — Alicia Keys

Contempo Casuals called. They want their window display back. Mollee should really know by now she can’t pull off the such outfits. These beautiful ensembles should only be reserved for four goddesses in Seaside Heights named Snooki, Sammi, Joile and JWoww. The only good thing about Mollee is that we don’t need an composite photo to see what JonBenet Ramsey would look like right now. (Yes. I went there. I might regret it later, but…sigh. I couldn’t help myself.)

Kathryn McCormick and Ryan Di Lello
Cha Cha — Jason Gilkinson
Put Your Hands On Me — Joss Stone

Is Kathryn wearing special socks? Because I have no idea how she can dance in those purple babies. So slippery! For some reason, I am reminded of my early childhood when Solid Gold was on TV, and sometimes I would watch it for no particular reason, except perhaps I was waiting for Fight Back! With David Horowitz to air after, but Mother of Top Idol would walk into the family room (they would go out on Saturday nights) and would tell me how no one could actually dance in such high heels. Yes, random. I know.

Ryan is totally bringing out his inner Hugh Jackman for this number. This particular duo has fantastic chemistry, in fact, I think they’ve both exhibited good chemistry with most of their previous partners. That’s the sign of a good dancer, I tell ya! (Well…I think so…) I am sincerely happy Kathryn and Ryan are getting due props from the judges panel. OMG OMG OMG.

WHOO WHOO!!! ALL ABOARD THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!!!

(BTW, I think Crazy Mary’s also been drinking from Nigel’s cup tonight, because come on, look at the proximity of the cups? From one drunk to another, Crazy Mary, I’m onto you. Holy shit. I don’t know if 1980s British Hair moved his cup because he thought she was going to knock it over or because he thinks she’s had too much. I need a .gif of that shit.)

Legacy Perez
Fancy Footwork — Chromeo

If you don’t love watching this man dance, you suck. HOLY SHIT THE HEAD SPINS!!! THE HEAD SPINS!!! Legacy Perez is the most electric of all electric boogaloos.

Ellenore Scott
I Got The Feelin’ — James Brown

Ellenore is another one whose joy of dancing is completely obvious. Cat Deeley agrees. I love you Cat Deeley.

Russell Ferguson
Holiday Buckness – Tha J-Squad

Ok. Santa Krump. Santa Krump. I think I just fell totally in love with Santa Krump. That might have been the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. Santa Krump. Santa Krump even lost his shoe (was that choreographed?) and still brought it. Santa Krump now has a place in my heart next to Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole!!! If that doesn’t get Russell Ferguson and his teddy bear into the finale, then I will have lost all hope in humanity.

Mollee Gray and Jakob Karr
Broadway — Joey Dowling
Easy Street — Annie (Original TV Soundtrack) –Samantha Ronson Remix

In this routine, Mollee and Jakob are con artists, except Moron Mollee is–SURPRISE–a moron and Jakob is the brains behind the operation. (Oh, sweet metaphor!)

I’m definitely not…stupid…but, I’m definitely not like, really, really, really, really mastermind on con-artism? (giggle giggle) Oh man…(giggle giggle)

Exhibit A — Why little girls should never be forced to forge a livelihood on stage in pageants and dance recitals. I am now more convinced than ever that Mollee Gray has a 6th grade education.

The routine was boring. Mollee Moron is actually bringing Jakob down–I still cannot pick up on any discernible chemistry and while the acrobatics are always a nice touch, they can’t make up for the fact that I just can’t stand this chick. I’m sure she’s a sweet kid, but…get her off my TV screen. I just always get the feeling I’m watching a child in a dance recital and her complete lack of maturity is apparent in every performance. I have no clue as to why the judges have shoved this girl down our throats all season. I have no clue as to why Adam Shankman virtually compared Mollee to Ann Reinking! Ann Reinking!!! NEVER!!! Just because it was a song from Annie and she started off in a trenchcoat? Please oh please oh please I just want the season to be over so Shankman can hook it up with Jakob. Am I the only one sensing the flirtation? 1980s British Hair tells Mollee Moron she needs to go to Broadway. Ok, as long as she doesn’t ever get to sing or act. Maybe she can be Constantine Maroulis’ next co-star. Cat Deeley thinks she looks like a little absinthe fairy. I think I would need to freebase absinthe to hang around Mollee.

Kathryn McCormick
Shadowfeet — Brooke Fraser

One of the rather underrated contestants, Kathryn has grown on me throughout the season. She also really has “grown” more than many of the other dancers and I’m happy she’s made it this far.

(The Gap’s holiday ads are making me want to put a bullet in my head. Or at least smack around the creative team that came up with that crap.)

Ellenore Scott and Legacy Perez
Hip Hop — Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo
People Are Strange — The Doors (District 78 Remix)

SYTYCD is also revisiting aliens this week. While I usually like the Nappy Tabs stuff, I must admit they made a total misstep with last week’s porn dance. (EW’s Kristen Baldwin agrees.) Let’s hope they fair better with the umpteenth SYTYCD alien dance.

While Ellenore is good, its hard to go move for move in a hip hop routine with Legacy. His moves are noticeably tighter and its almost as if she’s there to showcase his talents. Compared to their first dance, this was entirely meh. But really…why the hell were they and the judges making the world’s most annoying noises? Kind of impressive, perhaps…more than the dance? Nappy Tabs, are you guys slipping?

Ryan Di Lello
Din Da Da — Kevin Aviance

Is the person who sings this song the guy who did the Cha Cha Slide? I really hope Ryan gets his rightful gig as a full-time Dancing With The Stars pro. Ok. While its always going to come off cheesy when a ballroom dancer does…anything, I gotta admit, I am kind of touched that he urged voters to pick up the phones for his wife when it came time to pimp himself. It’s how to pimp a wife on reality TV, really–its okay when she’s not dead AND on the same show as you, one which requires popular voting.

(Ashleigh Di Lello) and Russell Ferguson
Bollywood — Nakul Dev Makajan
Spirit of Rangeela

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Not only could I have seen Ashleigh and Russell dance that incredible hip hop number, they would have closed out the show with BOLLYWOOD!!! BOLLYWOOD!!! My heart is breaking right now, it really, really is. While nothing could compare to Katee and Joshua’s Bollywood tour de force in Season 4, this would have definitely been better than the Powder monstrosity from last season. Alas. It’s still Russell (SANTA KRUMP!!!) and it’s still Bollywood, so I suppose I can muster up some excitement.

Nakul’s assistant, Alicia, has taken her place. Ok. I so love this dance. Damn you, Ashleigh’s doctors. Oh well. Any excuse to watch Bollywood dancing. OMG That lift! It must have been what did it, although I still blame Mollee for going all Nomi Malone on Ashleigh as they got ready for the show. You know that’s how it went down.

Hmmm…I’m starting to think judge’s darling Jakob may be going home tomorrow night? Perhaps Mollee will join him? Sadly, I worry it will be Kathryn, which will be completely unfair and utter bullshit, but she actually came on the show and proved herself and didn’t rely on undeserved pimpage.

But you know who IS safe? SANTA KRUMP!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

Cat Deeley is looking goddess-like, as per usual. She could also hurt you with her wrist cuff.

Cool. Lil C is back as guest judge, athough I totally want Debbie Allen at the judges’ table all the damn time…and yes, why the hell was Janette sent home? Of course, I suppose if I cared more, I would vote? Nigel thinks people are voting on the routines, rather than the dancers.

Sonya Tayeh’s Top 3 Guys’ Routine
True Romance (She Wants Revenge)

Who would have thought Evan would be the last honkey standing? I certainly did not, but that kid has a killer fanbase and he is pretty damn likable. Of course, the most likable individual to come out of this show is…

Ade’s Pick. Duh.

Come on, Sonya! Give it to the little honkey man!

(BTW, I use honkey on a daily basis as a term of endearment. I have since I was oh, maybe 8.)

What interesting costumes these young men are wearing? And once again, Sonya uses a sick song. Love Sonya Tayeh. LOVE HER. The routine is rather cool, in all actuality. And The Last Honkey is doing surprisingly well, as I was worried he may be overshadowed by Ade and Brandon who are pretty damn strong AND acrobatic, to boot.

Brandon slipped a bit while landing a backflip, but he recovered well and frankly, let’s see YOU try to land one of those suckers. Brandon’s mother is in the audience and she looks awesome. Not as awesome as Ade’s family members, but come on, they arrive with their own glitter-encrusted picks.

I have no idea but this scene made me overcome with joyful giggles.

So Lil C gives Evan a complement…sort of?

Evan, allow me to commend you for not being swallowed by the dominant excellence which is Ade and Brandon.

Christ, I know I said something to the same effect above, but it just sounds a bit sadder when I hear Lil C spit out the words domaint excellence.

I want to commend you for staying very visible throughout the whole routine.

Lil C says he did a great job, but let’s not play. Evan was always going to be visible during the whole shebang because he’s the only tiny ass honkey up on that stage. Crazy Mary is in heaven, thinks they were phenomenal. She yelled a bit, too, but she’s only halfway through with that drink so let’s give her a bit more time to raise a few bars on the Crazy Mary Meter.

Who else just LOVES watching Sonya Tayeh with the dancers or in the audience? She always exhibits such pride and unadulterated joy when watching the kiddies do her stuff up on stage. I just love it. I love Sonya.

YAY! YAY! YAY! Guess who are partners this week? And they totally love one another and can’t wait to dance together?

Jeanine and Ade
Samba — Louis van Amstel
LoveGame (Lady GaGa)

Louis van Beer has made a hot ‘n’ sexy samba which we all KNOW will be awesome. Hell, just check out this amazing shot from rehearsal featuring our BFF, Ade’s Pick!

All I can say right now is…PLEASE OH PLEASE CAN WE JUST HAVE THESE TWO WIN??? No offense to the other dancers (except Powder, of course) but Jeanine and Ade are MAGIC. And I totally forgot about this song and how it talked about wanting to take rides on disco sticks.

Anyway, that was all sorts of AWESOME. AWESOME. Crazy Mary must put them on the Hot Tamale Train….NOOOOOOOOOOOO Crazy Mary thinks it fell apart. Stop trying to throw these two under the train because you want Powder and Brandon to be the Top 2. Just stop it.

Bitch was harsh. Too harsh. Come on, Lil C, bring it back to right. Bring it back to right. NOOOOOOOO!!! He wanted an explosion of excellence but they faltered. Granted, I did think Ade looked too happy and smiley rather than smoldering, but that didn’t kill anything for me. I love Jeanine and Ade!!! Hell, they may even force me to vote a few times tonight.

Kayla Radomski
You Found Me (The Fray)

Why would I want to watch Kayla doing a solo to a Fray song? I think she has done the same solo routine every damn time she’s had to do a solo. Powder is also bopping around there like her shit don’t stink and everything she does is perfection. She’s a bit cocky now, which makes her a wee bit more irritating than before.

Melissa & Evan
Tyce Diorio — Broadway
Get Me to the Church on Time (Matt Dusk from My Fair Lady)

Melissa wants to wear heels, even though she’s almost as tall as Powder (of Child-You-Handled-Your-Big-Woman fame). It’s funny, because I really adore Evan, but sometimes when I look at him, I can’t help but think he’s the long-lost brother of James van der Beek.

(Speaking of routines, Broadway Tyce better have delivered a great one after that Katie Holmes shit last week.) Melissa did forgo the heels for this routine, which, frankly, makes a bit more sense for the piece, which is about a bride hurrying her groom to get ready so they can uh, duh? Get to the church on time.

It’s cute. It’s fluffy. It’s fun. And they’re spot on with their chraracters, complete with 1930s slapstick-esque facial expressions. Of course, Lil C thinks it could have been better and thought Evan had something missing. Or maybe both of them, even though the duo danced it oh-so-well. Uh..ok. I know we’re almost to the end so you gotta step up the critique but…

It seems Crazy Mary has bonded with Captain Morgan, as she’s getting a little loosened up and a little wacky with her rehearsed lines. She thinks it will not be Get Me to the Church on Time but Get Me to the FINALE on Time. Oh, huzzah huzzah huzzah, Crazy Mary, huzzah huzzah. Aren’t you cleaver?

Ade Obayomi
18th Floor Balcony (Blue October)

I really do not want to see Ade and Ade’s Pick go home before the finale. Love Ade. Love Ade’s Pick. Speaking of Ade’s Pick, these people in the audience did not pay their proper respects to Ade’s Pick on their homemade signs.

Kayla & Brandon
Stacey Tooksey — Contemporary
All I Want (Ahn Trio)

Is this shit fixed? Christ, Powder annoys me. I do sort of feel as if they are the SYTYCD Chosen Two. Ugh. And they’re doing contemporary, which means she can extend her legs a lot and feign being a competent and engaging dancer. She is also wearing some shitateous tie-dyed tank top with a silver glitter peace sign. Ugh. Powder.

In the routine, Powder is having an affiar with a married Brandon. This was told to the audience during rehearsals, however, it is clearly indicated because she is wearing some red nightie from Fredrick’s of Hollywood and he is wearing business attire. Harlots wear red, cheating husbands never wear business casual.

Think I love the song, but naturally, all Powder does is extend her long legs and not much else. It’s all Brandon. The lighting of the piece also makes her look more ghastly than usual. Sorry, but this piece is all Brandon. More than anything, Powder is a prop. A prop which has excellent extension and not a lot much else.

Naturally, the judges love the intensity. Lil C calls it beyond amazing. And I’m sure Crazy Mary is going to keep Powder on the Hot Tamale Train. He did call Powder a Beast, but it was more of a compliment because she has a tendency to outdance her partners. Yawn. I still think she is another kind of beast. And 1980s British Hair, its sometimes okay to hear you talk but now you keep talking about the Lifetime Movie-ish “abused” the female contestants have had to develop characters around this season.

Melissa Sandvig
I Put a Spell On You (Nina Simone)

Melissa gets total props for doing her solo to a kick ass song. Totally forgot how much I loved this song. Completely forgot. She did some ballet stuff. It was cool. But the song will always be cooler.

Jeanine & Ade
Tabitha & Napoleon (Hip Hop)
Move (If You Wanna) (MIMS)

I love Jeanine and Ade. I love Tabitha and Napoleon. Don’t even try to tell me this is gonna suck! I’m too invested in these two at this point and I’m not listening!!

And the choreography in the boxes? Kind of awesome. I thought this was a lot of fun, and I always loved when Jeanine did hip hop with Phillip. Lil C seems pleased. He talks about Ade’s earthy, dirty groove. Is Crazy Mary gonna be a bitch? She starts going on about the samba again, and how she forgot to tell Jeanine how great she was in it. Crazy Mary doesn’t think they’ll be getting their eviction notices after that little number. 1980s British Hair talks about how Crazy Mary was MEAN like his wife’s divorce attorney. Oh, that English Muffin made a funny! But he makes a nice comment about how they’re getting applause and credit for their performances, and not just because people really liked Tabitha & Napoleon’s choreography.

Brandon Bryant
Carmina Burana

Brandon is wearing Speedos. He is all over the stage in all sorts of dance fury. Speedo-ed dance fury. At the end, he reminds me of Arnold Schwarznegger in the beginning of The Terminator. Probably because he’s almost naked? In any case, the judges are about to bow down to his tight, nearly-nude ass.

1980s British Hair comments:

He’s just given us one of the best solos we’ve ever seen on the show.

Ah, Brandon, the annointed one. But I still like Brandon, always have. Ever since Vegas Week and he was broken up about the Awesome Ginger Dancer Girl Who Should Have Never Been Cut getting her walking papers and no chance to dance for her life.

Melissa & Evan
Louis van Amstel
As Long As I’m Singing (Brian Setzer Orchestra)

Is this a quick step or something? And I swear Melissa has tripped up a couple of steps in her skirt. Evan may just be outdancing her in several parts, althought they have an enjoyable chemistry and rapport with one another. And Evan, gotta give him credit for being a pretty strong little guy. He’s always handling his big women!

Lil C starts talking about Evan and his retractions or something, but that he danced big. Crazy Mary thinks Louis von Beer created an incredible routine for the second time tonight, but I think she’s just buttering him up in the hopes of getting free beer since his last name is van Amstel. But I have to agree with her about the fact the dance did fall short.

Jeanine Mason
Feedback (Janet Jackson)

So what is Jeanine’s style? I always forget, because she seems to successfully mix genres on several occasions, even on a simple solo. Jeanine better not get voted off.

Evan Kasprzak
Lady is a Tramp

Evan doing what he does best. Fun, old school swing-ish stuff. It’s impossible not to like this kid. Or his cool brother…who I assume is still in the audience in these later rounds?

Kayla & Brandon
Doriana Sanchez — Disco
Dance (Disco Heat) Sylvester

First we have to hear Powder talk. Ugh. The biggest word she knows is incredible. I’m hoping they frak it up doing a dreaded disco routine.

The Disco is soooo hard!

This girl is just not that bright. I know its mean of me to say, but…she’s just not all that bright. Anyway, they come abounding out onto the stage, all resplendant in white and shiny-shiny silver. I cannot tell if Powder is wearing tights.

It’s a fine routine and all, but all the girl does is spread her legs or extend them where and whenever. Oh, and they totally had a couple of missteps when they took turns spinning each other on the ground. Of course, Brandon did a back flip so all should be okay, but there were definitely a couple of missteps because it looks as if Powder had to play catch up in several places.

Lil C launches into some sort of crazy monologue which basically ends up with him claiming to have seen no darkness in that routine. I’m so sick of them fawning all over Powder. I’m sure she’s the designated winner, they need a girl this year, I guess. Okay, but I did learn those dips are called double death drops. And I’m sorry, but Powder lost a bit of balance when helping Brandon up on his. Of course, it does not deter Crazy Mary, who continues the over-the-top Powder love fest and then starts yelling at Brandon over admitting to having self-esteem issues. BRING MAMA ANOTHER COCKTAIL!!! Hell, what has 1980s British Hair been drinking because HE then goes overboard in his adoration of their little disco routine.

Hey, I’m totally down with Brandon. He’s a cool guy, but let’s lose Powder, please oh please oh please? She shows zero personality, and we all know that’s what everyone votes on, is personality, right? Of course…

Sonya Tayeh’s Top 3 Girls’ Routine
Kick It (Stereoheroes Remix) Nina Martine

It’s about superheroes. Because Sonya rules and wishes she could be a superhero. Whatevia. Sonya is my superhero! She also obviously has the same favorite Powerpuff Girl as myself (uh, Buttercup, of course!).

BEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT

YES! I love Jeanine even more. She accidently smacked Powder’s face. Even Melissa looks pleased, no?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I’m a bit mean. I don’t want the girl to be hurt, you know? And hell, she didn’t have a black eye or anything this evening. You just gotta admit, it was pretty funny.

It was a cool routine, but Powder was in the front too much and I don’t think Melissa got much of a solo, no? But I loved the tough girl superhero vibe. Of course, I love Sonya Tayeh so I knew I would totally love it.

Crazy Mary sucks. She points out how POWDER had a couple of moves which were tougher than the others so SHE STOOD OUT. Oh I am so done with this Powder love fest.

But you know what eases the pain of Powder blowing kisses into the camera at the end? Cat Deeley dancing around on stage with all the contestants. Because CAT DEELEY MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT!!!

Spread the word. Do it.

Oh…ok…they perform 2x. At least Cat Deeley looks GORGEOUS. As per usual.

So um, while I really, really want to get rid of Powder, I can live with her for another week. But ONLY if we get rid of Contempo Casuals Caitlin.

Right now, I am drinking some piss-poor Heineken Light, because 10pm is too late to break into the Captain when you have a lot of crap to do at work the next day. Granted, that’s never stopped me before, but… I have no idea why I bought this crap beer a couple of weeks ago. Just like I have no idea why I can’t do my hair like the stylists do Ms. Deeley’s coif. They basically give the Goddess a different fashion era EVERY OTHER WEEK and she pulls it off with such aplomb. Now she’s channeling the 1930s. Two weeks or so ago, it was the 1920s. I go to work every day looking as if I crawled out from the sewer. That’s it. I want my own stylist.

This week’s guest judge is the big ol’ bitter Broadway queen Tyce Diorio, which means I’m sure he’ll be extra bitchy. Which will annoy the shit out of me, however, if he decides to go off on Contempo Casuals Caitlin or Powder, I will decide I like Broadway Tyce…for one evening, at least.

Melissa & Ade (Disco — Doriana Sanchez)
Move On Up (Destination)

Hey, call me an optimist but I’ve got HIGH HOPES for tonight because we’re kicking things off with…

ADE’S PICK!!!!!

Ade’s Pick makes my world go round. Ade’s Pick is literally dancing in the rehearsal footage. This is heaven. I don’t care if Ade’s Pick is 3000 miles away from me. In my heart, he is here with me forever. And tonight, well, there was so much Ade’s Pick love to be had.

Melissa and Ade’s disco routine is fun, plus its to Move On Up (alas, a cover, but still…), which reminds me of my collegiate heyday, when I was a platinum blonde waitress in a debaucherous nightclub in Columbia, MO called the Pure Lounge. Hey, I was 21 and hello? I had spent about 14 hours at Tunnel in NYC so I was all hip and shit. I knew what was up.

While Melissa has some amazing flexibility, there are a few moments when she does look out of her element and OMG she falls during the end. Granted, she probably lost her balance and train of thought when she caught a load of this lunatic in the audience.

Whoa. HOLD ON. FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally there is a tard sign I can really appreciate, because it is a tard sign for…ADE’S PICK!!!!!

Nigel talks about the routine being trememdous, throws in something about the American Ballet Company doing Romeo & Juliet next week, blah blah blah…ok, let’s get to Crazy Mary. Has she been drinking? YES SHE HAS! She is already giving an AMEN to the DISCO GODS.

Because everyone needed a little disco pick-me-up today.

Tyce starts talking, and he actually seems PLEASED with the routine. But right now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about what Broadway Tyce has to say because I have found my two new best friends. I have a feeling they may be Ade’s family, which is fine by me. I want to be going to their house for Thanksgiving dinner. Because these two women rock my mutha-fraking world.

The picks are adorned with silver & gold glitter. I am about to sob tears of joy into my piss-poor Heineken Light.

Studio 54 eat your heart out.

Cat Deeley, not only are you a Goddess, but you can also COUNT!!!

Kayla & Kupuno (Contemporary — Mia Michaels)
Gravity (Sara Barailles)

This is a piece about addiction. Kayla is addicted to Kupuno. Kupuno is totally moved by the addiction theme. Although I gotta admit, Powder does at times look like a drug addict sleeping on a rotten mattress in a basement. The dance is all Mia Michaels-y, which is my expert opinion after watching two seasons of Mia Michaels dances, although hell, I can’t find fault with the woman since if I was a choreographer, I would probably be making interpretative pieces where people are artfully throwing themselves around the stage in some sort of heartbroken rage.

I would just make them get a proper spray tan first, that’s all.

Ok. That totally bored me. Sorry, Mia Michaels, I disagree with Nigel. It was not moved by this hot mess. And speaking of hot mess, Holy Comfort Fedoke! The SYTYCD Makeup Crew turned Power from a hot ashen mess into a hot meth-ess!

1980s British Hair thinks its superb…Crazy Mary tells them they’re staying on the train, which is pretty much the only appropriate way she can do her whole Hot Tamale Train thing considering it was a serious routine about addiction and all. Now if you give a crap about my astute opinion, I believe Powder’s grandparents should be the only members of her family with a first class ticket on the Hot Tamale Train.

Tyce really liked it. He must be getting some because he’s typically not this bitchy. Even The Goddess Cat Deeley thinks its going to be one of those memorable performances of the season, but I must disagree. I just wasn’t feeling it.

Caitlin and Jason (American Fox Trot)
Minnie the Moocher (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

Caitlin is excited about being elegant. I’m not even touching that one because its too goddamn ridiculous. Homegirl is rehearsing in what appears to be tie-dyed pink ruffles.

Jason is continuously brought down by his much-weaker partner. I still have no clue how this chick made the Top 20. This entire routine is putting me and my ginger bastard feline companion to sleep.

1980s British Hair talks about Contempo Casuals Caitlin making difficult things look simple and Jason’s intricate footwork. While I’m sure the latter is true, I don’t think Contempo Casuals did much of anything, and noooooo, its not because they made it look easy. Clearly Crazy Mary just is trying to get to the next break because hello? HOMEGIRL’S DRINK IS EMPTY.

The reaction of the judges may be positive, yet their words, and the performance, still strike me as undeniably milquetoast.

Now for the break…now for Crazy Mary’s drink refill…and frankly, this whole preview of what we’re about to see may just spell out diaster, given the looks of this fraked-up Doublemint commerical scene taking place above.

Jeanine and Phillip (Russian Folk — Youri Nelzine & Lilia Babenko)
Kalinka (Barynya)

A playful competition between a man and a woman…pure Russia…hmmm…

This is supposed to be humorous, right? Because it totally works if it is, if not, uh…whatever, you know I love Jeanine and Phillip, and you must give the latter for running around with a stupid grin and painted on rosy cheeks.

I like these two a lot, therefore, I’m sure they will get their asses reamed because everyone has been so pleasant thus far in the episode.

Anything like this, you need an awful lot of vodka to go with it.

Oh, 1980s British Hair, you’re so witty. Just come out and admit you loathed the choreography. Yes, yes. It was obviously too folksy. Crazy Mary is giving them credit for some shit they pulled out, even though she says it wasn’t that difficult…Tyce must be getting laid because Tyce is all Mr. Positive tonight. Like I’m starting to LIKE Broadway Tyce so much that I want to invite him to my kick ass dinner party with Cat Deeley, Sonya and Adam Shankmann.

Randi & Evan (Hip Hop — Tabitha & Napoleon)
Halo (Beyonce)

Love Tabitha & Napoleon! Not so sure how I feel about routines about accidental pregnancies. Does she wear a pillow? Will they be doing it to Papa Don’t Preach?

Okay. I totally think the shirt they are having Randi wear is a bit blouson to infer the whole “with child” thing. And because we know she’s supposed to be “pregnant”, I keep thinking if he should be whipping her around so much. Ah, ok…1980s British Hair was thinking the same thing. He does make a valid point about Tabitha and Napoleon not asking Randi & Evan to be urban, but to be themselves to a hip hop feel.

Good idea.

Because I’m all for the underdog and such, I sort of want Evan to steal Randi away from her Mormon husband and homestead. SYTYCD Scandal!

Note to Fox: Whether it was in-house or done by a “respectable” agency, you need to fire all of those involved with your ridiculous All-Star Game promotional campaign. Making the St. Louis Arch a GIGANTIC MAGNET picking people up from all over and then letting them slide off into Busch Stadium? Is there a Razzie equivilent to the Clios, because you people totally earned one for such nonsense.

Janette and Brandon (Argentine Tango — Miriam and Leonardo)
Libertango from Forever Tango (Broadway Cast Album)

Brandon was the only one who couldn’t speak Spanish. I bet he felt as I often do whenever I go to a Vietnamese nail salon. Like my nails, though, everything seems to work out okay, as they do some crazy lifts and other “sexy” shit.

While I wasn’t blown away, it was certainly solid. I wasn’t blown away like 1980s British Hair, who leads the judges’ table into a standing ovation. Maybe I am staring at my screen while typing too much? Do I miss too much? What did I miss? Do I need to brush up on my ballroom dancing.

If that train ain’t coming, there’s gonna be bloody trouble.

1980s British Hair leads Crazy Mary into one of her thirst-need-more-Captain-Hot-Tamale-Train-NEED-MORE-CAPTAIN monologues. Someone still needs to refill her drink, btw. I refuse to believe she hasn’t had a refill since last break, but I am concerned, as it looks like quite a bit of the ice has melted.

Oh, the things I worry about. I am also worried about the fact I am enjoying Broadway Tyce’s commentary this evening.

One hour down, one more to go. And it is getting late…so let’s stop here for now and pick this back up tomorrow, shall we?

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