I totally ordered Pad See Ewwwwww in honor of tonight’s momentous occasion. And I just felt that was rather appropriate given fact my evening plans. Tonight, the 11th season of American Idol begins. In Savannah. And with all this emphasis on how all these auditioners have been watching the show since they were under the age of 10, well, you know what they’re aiming for. Someone young! And hopefully, someone young who does not require a jock strap or cup when engaging in athletic endeavors.

Of course, the chances of a girl winning this year? Exactly. What are the odds Steven Tyler will stop Single White Female-ing Eddy & Patsy? Not good, but better than a girl winning American Idol.

Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there?

Who cares? We have all season to debate and I cannot wait. I probably could wait but whatevs, I’ve missed you guys. All of you delightful people who actually waste about 10-15 minutes of your day a couple of times a week reading the absolute drivel I bang out on my keyboard. American Idol is back — and so is TopIdol!

Mister Steal Your Girl

David Leathers, Jr. (Age 17)

David aka Mister Steal Your Girl looks like he’s 12 but he’s actually SEVENTEEN and all the girls love him because he sings and lo and behold, just a couple of years ago, he competed in a singing competition with that Scotty McCreery kid. Remember him? Did you know he went PLATINUM with that album with that song about telling the 3-year-old to lift their arms up above their head? I had no idea until I read that somewhere. No clue. This kid may actually make a few bucks and have a career, and you know what that means, he can buy a lot of lights for his baby to turn down low, and a lot of locks for the back door. And well, you know what? That was last season, on with the new.

I have no idea what Mister Steal Your Girl is singing but kid’s got a voice. You just know they’re gonna ask him if he knows “any Michael Jackson.” And they do. Because any pint-size black kid who doesn’t look his age but can sing pretty well automatically gets thrown into the Jackson bucket. (Personally, Mister Steal Your Girl reminds me of Dave on Degrassi.) But I can’t hate on this kid. He is sort of the exact opposite of a country-singing idiot blonde girl who’s really 16 but dresses likes she’s 42.

Gabi Carruba (Age 16)

Gabi gets “diaper dancer” home videos and a camera crew in her tap dancing studio, followed by an extensive Q&A about Steven Tyler with Ryan Seacrest. When she finally gets into the audition room, she asks to hug Nigel. (Granted, if I was auditioning for ANTM, I would ask to hump the leg of Nigel upon entering the audition room, but that’s Barker, not Lythgoe.) Abby looks all sweet and innocent and freshly-scrubbed and hell, with that natural brown hair, she might even fool me into liking her. I’m softening, aren’t I? NONSENSE. She is super sweet and immediately kisses Nigel’s ass upon meeting the judges. She is either a calculating teenage bitch or a potential National Merit Scholar. Therefore, I will continue to keep one suspect eyebrow raised until proven otherwise.

Brianna Faulk (Age 15)

She’s singing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. We have seen this contestant about 654 times before, just under different names. Next, please.

Neco Starr (Age 20)

He did not have to open his mouth for me to know he was gonna sing Bruno Mars.

Me no likey.

Molly Hunt (Age 15)

And we have a live one! She fits all of my criteria! Why didn’t anyone tell me Courtney Stodden was auditioning this season?

Elise Testone (Age 28!)

A musician/vocal coach who is not a high school student. Looks a little rough. Deep, bluesy voice. MAMA LIKE.

Save wardrobe budget: Shrink 'n' Wear Simon Cowell's t-shirts

Tres adorable. Ryan Seacrest is dressing just like his erstwhile lover, Mr. Simon Cowell.

OMG SO MUCH TALENT! NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT! THEY ARE ALL SO YOUNG AND SO TALENTED! 

Jessica Whitley (Age 19)

There Lea Michele-Pia Toscano love child is very strong in this one. But you know she’s gonna suck eggs because, well, OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN SO GOOD. You know how this shit is edited. You know how it works. Sadly, Miss Whitley is one of those poor contestants who has been raised to believe, for likely her entire life, that she is a REALLY GOOD SINGER. You can tell in her inflection, her passion, her elan. She claims dehydration and tells the judges she’ll see them in Texas.

This is just way too feel-good and syrupy. Not that I particularly enjoy watching dreams being dashed, as in more cases than not, the ones allowed to dream big on this show are usually the most insufferable. But this is all so chipper, so buoyant, so…fake. Even by American Idol standards. It’s almost on par with…with…a Jennifer Lopez for Fiat commercial!

Just because you're blond and dress & talk like an emcee does not mean you are the spitting image of Ryan Seacrest. But if you think it does, you may just get on national television.

Sean Kraisman (Age 26)

People tell him all the time that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Yawn. He’s clearly angling for a local announcer gig in some second-tier market. (He is apparently a “sales consultant.” I can see that, too. Wonder if its at a T-Mobile or AT&T store.) Or he already has one. Guess I can’t fault the guy for self-promotion.

Shannon Magraine (Age 15)

She’s really tall and has the athletic aura of new-money privlege. Kind of like that Ayla Brown, no? BINGO. Shannon’s father was former Cardinals’ pitcher Joe Magraine, so she’s like Nikko Smith + Ayla Brown. Everyone wants to meet her family! She brings them all in. Not sure where the daughters start and stop but the majority seem to be wearing ROMPERS (The preferred warm weather fashion of TopIdol!) and well, her father was a Cardinal so I mean…and he’s very gregarious and even asks Steven Tyler how things are up in “Beantown” (No one in “Beantown” calls it that, by the way) so I’m warming up to this volleyball-playing rich girl who doesn’t not look like Jennifer Lawrence from certain angles and then Steven Tyler answers Magraine’s query:

Hot, humid, and happening. Just like your daughter.

Oh who cares. I wish he was back on the sauce so we could hear more creepy uncle stuff. Shannon Magraine is marginally talented, she’s bluesy. She sings Etta James AND she doesn’t sing At Last. You know me, I’m a sucker for those teenage contestants who have other things going on, like being literate, or playing volleyball. And she looked like a teenager, ya know? And her father was a Cardinal.

HOW THE HELL HAS NO ONE SANG ADELE YET?

Get ready for the montage of people who suck. People yell. And yell. And yell. And BOOM SHAKA LAKA

We could have had it alllllllll

Seriously? It took THIS long?

Amy Brumfield (Age 24)

When Amy walked in, I thought for sure she was a belly-dancing gypsy kind. Ok. I wasn’t entirely off-base. She lives in a tent off in the middle of the woods in Tennessee. Living in a tent off in the middle of the woods is the new in a van down by the river, no? Amy can’t afford a “$100 a week hotel room” but she does own a few rhinestone baubles. Her significant other wears an ironed shirt. No, these kids aren’t rich, but that’s a nice tent. That’s a decent setup. They’re living in the woods because they want to…but I’m sure Idol wants a better angle, ya know? I mean, they don’t want to stay in a tent forever, but they’re enjoying it. And they love each other. And boyfriend Blake’s mother bought her outfit and jewelry — she ain’t ever been dressed this nice in her entire life.

Amy Brumfield lives in a tent. ($10 says she's a Burner.)

I like Amy. She’s got spunk. I suspect she’s also a Burner. They could/should be. They must at least do regional burns. These are good-hearted, industrious people. I almost like her enough to not hold singing an Alicia Keys song against her. She’s like a Winter’s Bone Crystal Bowersox. Her voice is raspy and she’s a self-described hippie — not a HIPSIE, Ms. Lopez.

Hey, can I pitch a tent behind the mansion?

If she gets to that miracle mile bullshit and they cut her…I mean, we now have our first cohesive “plot” of Season 11 — unless that Jessica Whitley chick actually does show up in Texas.

Joshua Chavis (Age 23)

Joshua wants to sing in front of a live audience (What? THERE WAS NO OPEN BAR WHERE YOU LIVE?) and hopefully, one day, the national anthem at a NASCAR race. He also mentions his BOYFRIEND and then squeals about meeting Jenny From The Block. With the exception of that last omission, I love this openly gay redneck. American Idol doesn’t want you to know there are gay people, let alone GAY NASCAR FANS.

Of course if gay NASCAR fans do exist, and if they should try out for American Idol and aren’t that good, then they’re probably open for ridicule, right? You know, Joshua isn’t HORRIBLE. If you put him in vocal lessons for a year or 2? He hit some of those notes. I can’t hit those notes. Jennifer Lopez sure as hell can’t hit those notes without autotune. And yes he really wants it, but would you have called him TERRIBLE if he wasn’t gay?

Please Joshua, if you’re reading this, come over and visit TopIdol. We would love to hear from you.

Stephanie Renee (Age 15)

When Stephanie was 8, she watched American Idol all the time. And she LOVED Carrie Underwood. She claims being on American Idol is what every girl dreams of. She’s also wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even be sold at a Forever 21. And of course she’s gonna sing Carrie Underwood’s goddamn winner’s song. JLo says she has some beautiful notes but sounds nasal. Steven says yes (she is female), Randy says no, and of course La Lopez says YES, because La Lopez wants everyone to think she’s a good person.

Stephanie Renee doesn’t seem like a manipulative teen bitch, and she probably reads at at least a 6th grade level. But she did sing Carrie Underwood (the coronation song!) and is already going by her first and middle name alone. (Who do you think you are? LAUREN ALAINA SUDDETH?!) But her family looks appears pleasant enough.

(AM I GOING SOFT?!)

What? We’re only halfway done?! Fine. Let’s revising some [manufactured] sibling drama! I remember these people! He’s the guy with David Cook’s old hair! OH NOEZ! He’s not auditioning this season.

Schyler Dixon (Age 17)

Jennifer Lopez doesn’t really remember her, you know that, right? She saw that Schyler auditioned last year (and how far she got) when she looked down at that little application. She knows she “met you” last year because its on that piece of paper in front of her and the producers told her this before you entered the room. If you met Ms. Lopez on the street, she would spit on you and then laugh.

No Jennifer Lopez. You did not remember her. Stop trying to act. You’re not good at that, either.

So…you can just audition on the spot, even without a number? Even without going through those 3-4 “producer rounds?” No one called you before hand and told you how this was gonna play out?

Bullshit.

Colton Dixon (Age 19)

The man with David Cook’s original hair is gonna sing David Cook’s Permanent. Ok. No offense to David Cook, who remains one of my all-time favorite contestants on this show and, along with Bo Bice, is pretty much responsible for forcing contestants to at least attempt to demonstrate some sort of musicianship, but what dude in their early 20s do you know is all like, I love David Cook. And I think it would be great if David Cook actually got some non-female fans that discovered him outside of American Idol, but this is just weird. And now I’m looking at his vest and his t-shirt and his hair and HOLY FRAKING CHRIST COLTON DIXON IS A DAVID COOK MAU.

His initials are the same as David Cook's if you do it backwards.

This being said, I would actually probably enjoy Colton Dixon on the show if he cut down on the wailing. I can’t see myself enjoying Colton Dixon outside of American Idol, but you know, cheap entertainment for the sake of my blog.

And Brother & Sister Dixon both get golden tickets, although Schyler is still just a number and COLTON DIXON’s name is on his ticket. But they still love each other, even if Brother stole Sister’s moment AGAIN. Isn’t your heart just all tickled and warm right now?

Lauren Mink (Age 25)

There is something almost Connie Britton-esque about this one, and she works with the disabled. Yes she’s blond. Yes she sings country. But she’s kind of Connie Britton-esque and has a real job doing something good and oh christ, she sang a GWYNETH PALTROW song. Did you ever think you would see someone sing A GWYNETH PALTROW SONG…ever? Miss Mink is going to Hollywood. I’m okay with it. Her voice is fine and she is of a normal, healthy weight and wears minimal makeup.

DAY 2

I’ve watched this show long enough to know that when a West African man announces he’s going to sing Rascal Flatts, zero good can come out if it. Because the only thing “funnier” than being gay on American Idol, is being an immigrant. This show can barely get an African-American into the Top 5 anymore, let alone someone who was born about 6000 miles away from the Mason-Dixon Line.

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE DON’T HUMILIATE HIM

Mawuena Kodjo (Age 25)

I almost don’t even want to watch. Because no good can come of it. No good can come out of it when you subtitle everything a man says, even though his English abilities are quite up to par. But this is American Idol. And this guy is NOT AMERICAN. Hear him talk with his FUNNY ACCENT. Give him Rhinestone Cowboy as his soundtrack. Give him SUBTITLES. Because its all about the pointing and laughing.

Rascal Flatts? Oh…you like country music?!

Oh Jenny From The Block. Look at you, all surprised, there’s a man from West Africa and he likes country music. And you asked loudly, of course, because that’s what ignorant schmucks do when they think someone doesn’t know English. Too bad he didn’t respond with, oh, but you claim to be Puerto Rican but you did Diddy and Ben Affleck and child backup dancers. Because that’s what I would have said if I was an African man who liked country music and JLo asked me that, just saying.

Sigh…you know what happens.

It's not American Idol if no one mocks a sweet immigrant.

Oh and to the old redneck outside, not every African man is a runner. Just saying. But at least old redneck and that cadre of children wanted him to go to Hollywood.

I’m gonna be the first African country music star.

I will start taking up a fund for Mr. Kodjo’s singing lessons to prove those bastards wrong. Who’s with me? And who else remembers that absolutely inane show on E! (E! is the Devil) called Love Is In The Heir? Someone else must have seen that show…about an “alleged Iranian-American princess” who wanted to be a country music star and find someone to marry her? Does this sound familiar?

Ashlee Altise (Age 28)

Talkative black girl with dreads = CRAY CRAY. With the rare exception of say, Naima Adeapo, or even Nadia Turner, you cannot be a funky black female on American Idol. You can be a woman of color and maybe even make it to the Top 5, but if you show the slightest signs of irreverence, it is unacceptable. (They had no idea about Fantasia, trust me. THANK YOU FANTASIA FOR BEING CRAY CRAY!) American Idol ascribes to a George Washington Carver world view of sorts, at least when it comes to African-Americans who are not say, established talent appearing on their show. Mostly white idiots watch this crap and Fox/Freemantle assume that they want their black folks to display certain qualities — particularly the women. Sing Whitney. Belt out the high notes. Being fat is okay if you can belt out big notes. Sing it karaoke, just like Aretha and Whitney. Sing that terrible Get Here song. American Idol prefers their ladies of color to be of the adult contemporary variety.

When Ashlee Altise starts belting out Come Together, I am (almost) shocked. She was set up to be cray-cray. SHE HAS DREADS. SHE DANCES. But Ashlee has the pipes to back it up. Also: excellent song choice. Why do I feel as if Ashlee is not long for this world? The good ones never are…and $10 says she’s going to be one of the contestants who pisses everyone off on group day during Hollywood Week.

DAY 2 MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS

W.T. Thompson (Age 25)

We are led to believe this blond bruiser of a man doesn’t make it. That it’s touch or go. The drama is built up, yet…we see AT-HOME FOOTAGE. And the tears of a young lady. The  former prison screw decided to quit his job to try out for American Idol. Even though he has a pregnant wife. Because it is his dream. Steven says no…Jennifer says yes…Randy likes the power. Randy thinks W.T. will be EATEN ALIVE. Of course W.T. makes it. Hey, that’s cool. His voice was kind of good and he and his friends look like a lot of fun. He doesn’t appear to be a religious kind, like that Michael Sarver, but hell, we only saw him for like, 3 minutes. But I saw no cross and the one buddy looked like a friendly vicious biker.

THIS IS WHY REALITY TV HAS WRITERS

Apparently, in Savannah, there are hundreds of attractive women who cream their panties for Steven Tyler. Yes, Steven Tyler got a lot of tail back in the day, before he morphed into an Ab Fab-loving drag queen, and he’s still got a shitload of money and sometimes still tours with Aerosmith in stadiums across the land, so yes, it is not inconceivable to believe he can still get laid, but come on! I bet some of these girls were too young to even remember Crazy or Cryin’. And they’re auditioning for American Idol! They want to be on TV! People will do anything to be on TV! There’s even an entire network devoted to these individuals and it is called TLC.

She traveled to Buffalo just to grope Steven Tyler.

Erica Novak (Age 20-something )

Did Erica really travel all the way from Buffalo, NY to meet her “future ex-husband Steven Tyler?” She doesn’t even care if she goes out in “security cuffs” if it means she gets to kiss.

To hell with the golden ticket, just give me a fucking hug.

Doubt Steven Tyler minded his ass getting grabbed. Just like I’m sure Joss Stone is probably okay with people still singing her music, even if its not very good.

Brittany Kerr (Age 23?)

Brittany is a dancer for an NBA team. She is attractive in the bland conventional way dancers for NBA teams are attractive. She is blond. She is also singing…JOSS STONE. WTF JOSS STONE? Her voice is mediocre, at best. Mediocre at best, sufficient for the bland conventionality of an NBA dancer. Once this girl gets the heave-ho, she will likely appear as a contestant on The Bachelor within the next two years.

The only notable part about this audition was that it was used to illustrate something very obvious, that Randy and Steven will always give the “pretty girl” the benefit of the doubt. In reality, it just proved that Jennifer Lopez, like Kara DioGuardi before her, is an insecure twat. Brittany is by no means actress or model pretty and her voice is absolutely nothing to write home about, but she is an NBA dancer currently being admired by 2 men sitting on either side of Jennifer Lopez. SHE IS YOUNGER. She must be eliminated because she is a threat to PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (Come on, kids…why didn’t Pia Toscano get to duet with a more famous & talented person at last year’s finale?)

GAME OVER. ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.

Philip Philips: The next American Idol? Maybe. The next American Idol contestant to be lusted after by women at least 2-4x his age? Definitely.

Philip Philips (Age 20) 

Philip Philips is inoffensively cute. Cute in the way that you would want the guy your daughter may or may not be schtupping at homecoming to be cute. His middle name, if it is not Philip, should be aw shucks. He wears plaid. He works at his father’s pawn shop, which seems to carry a lot of ready-to-mount taxidermy. Philip Philips has a guitar. Philip Philips is a junior. His father is loving and supportive and smiley also, obviously, named Philip Phillips. His mother, who should be named Philipa but probably is not, loves Ryan Seacrest, although in her opinion, he is not as handsome as Philip Philips, Sr.

Philip Philips is American Idol gold and he doesn’t even have a dead (or comatose) girlfriend. He’s even gonna sing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition. Everybody loves it when white boys sing soul, particularly Stevie Wonder, particularly Superstition. (But black men, well, they just can’t sing country.)

Philip Philips is good. He’s better than your average bar singer and as we’ve seen, he’s cut his teeth playing live shows around his hometown. Philip Philips hasn’t even picked up his guitar. It doesn’t matter that Philip Philips is wearing flip flops. Homeboy can really play guitar. Homeboy is not playing Stairway. Homeboy is playing Thriller. Philip Philips has busted out the big guns his first time out of the gate — was that a mistake, a la Andrew Garcia, who never quite met the expectations set by his acoustic cover of Paula Abdul’s Straight Up? Doubt it.

Philip Philips has the looks of a supporting character on Friday Night Lights. Philip Philips might be the most perfect White-Guy-With-Guitar ever seen on American Idol. It’s like they took all the qualities of the last 4 winners and merged them into one nubile Super-White-Guy-With-Guitar. And frankly, the only think interesting about Your Cousin Phil DeWheezy was that he worked in a paint store. Well, Philip Philips works in a PAWN STORE. He is the plaid shirts & Michael Jackson-loving song-re-arranger with loving parents a la Kris Allen. He has the aw shucks guy-next-door demeanor and speaking tendencies of Scotty McCreery, although its a bit more seasoned given the fact he has a few years on the kid. He sings his re-arranged songs with the throatiness of the original WGWG, David Cook. His guitar skills even appear to be on par with Season 9′s Casey James, who may have not been the most talented WGWG vocally, but damn, that could could play guitar. Philip Philips is also NOT wearing a cross.

Dear Philip Philips, I feel very, very sorry for you. You have no idea what’s gonna happen now that all those old ladies, ahem, American Idol’s ardent fanbase, has seen you on their television screens.

Yes, yes. It is only the first night out but I think we have a winner. American Idol is never as entertaining as I want it to be, but I’ve been sitting here typing about it for almost 4 hours so I really want it to be, ya know? Tonight’s episode was surprisingly–with the exception of the whole mocking immigrants and gay NASCAR fans thing, and (obviously) Jennifer Lopez–kind of…good? It dragged on forever and people kept singing Joss Stone (didn’t she go the way of the dodo bird and Leelee Sobieski?), but it could have been so much worse. It could have been…last year.

What did you think of tonight’s show? How much did you have to drink to get through the entire 2 hours? Do you think Philip Philips is gonna win it all, even though we’ve only seen one audition city? Do you think they should just throw in the towel and change the name of the show to American White Guy With Guitar Mild Idol? Start talking.

Spread the word. Do it.

But more than anything, it pretty much solidified what most of us have believed since that big-haired, bad-dressing, soon-to-be-GED-earning nitwit from Chattanooga when a big audience is necessary, small-town Georgia when there are leveled-by-tornadoes towns to exploit–she is the chosen one. She is the one Nigel & Co. want to win this whole damn thing.

Scotty McCreery is going to do just fine whether he is 1 or 2, but the producers hilariously believe Lauren Alaina can be the next Carrie Underwood, but with Taylor Swift youth. If she comes in second, that sort of success isn’t guaranteed. Of course, what are the chances of getting Farmbot 2.0 or another Kelly Clarkson on a show that’s gone at least 2 years past its expiration date? But they’ve set her up nicely, no? Faux-drama about maybe not being able to sing…coronation song about MOMMA.

Speaking of MOMMA. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if Sunday School Strumpet really could not sing? It would have been awesome not just because Haley Reinhart would have been where she rightfully belongs, but because they likely would have been a big scene when Lauren’s momma Kristi Suddeth would have taken the stage a la Joan Crawford, but looking even more ridiculous. It reminds me of when Blanche entered her granddaughter in the beauty pageant and ended up doing the talent routine on The Golden Girls. But not really. Because Blanche was AWESOME. And in the end, she realized forcing her granddaughter into pageants was a piss-poor idea. Mrs. Suddeth would NEVER realize turning her only daughter into a not-too-bright karaoke singer with a wardrobe meant for bored suburban white women cruising dueling piano bars was a piss-poor idea. NEVER. Bet she used to like singing. Maybe did it in high school. Then she got pregnant and all those dreams? Gone gone gone. So why not make a Mini Me and live vicariously through her frosted hair and drag queen garage sale outfits?

Oh, the lengths I will go to not start the DVR. Opining. Digressing. May as well just get this dog & pony show over with. Perhaps I’m a sucker for excruciating situations.

Idol is really pushing both Carrie Underwood and David Cook tonight. And in childhood home movies of tonight’s two finalists, we discover Lauren Alaina has been dressed like a delusional divorcee since age 3. Speaking of David Cook…remember that one? Now that was a proper finale.

The Boy Next Door vs. The Southern Belle. No, Ryan. You’ve got it all wrong. But I suppose The Boy-Next-Door vs. The Borderline-Illiterate Mean Girl Who Preaches Jesus But Gives Handies In Exchange for Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill isn’t all that catchy and might not be entirely appropriate for family TV.

Really? Bringing out a doctor in black scrubs to explain “what happened.” Come on. That’s the really-trying-to-make-it nebbishly-Jewish character actor who was the third choice for Taub on House. He might also be on one of those new Target ads playing a pharmacist next to some “clever” copy about nostrils or something. Lauren Alaina’s talking voice seems A-OK to me. How do we blow out her other vocal chords? She’s like that monster in the movie that you just can’t kill and then goes out to the sea or back to space and comes back for the sequel, isn’t she? The only saving grace of this show is that FINALLY, it is only one fraking hour.

In completely unrelated new, I just discovered the best store-bought salsa (Marshall’s Fenway Farmstand is awesome). I might finish the whole damn jar. Its called Vizcaya Bean & Corn (Cuban Salsa, Medium) and its so damn good. SHAMELESS PLUGS PEOPLE. KILLING TIME WITH SHAMELESS PLUGS.

Round 1 — Favorite Song of the Season

Scotty McCreery
Gone

If you have already forgotten, nice guy Scotty flipped the coin to perform last but pulled the whole gentleman thing and asked Lauren what she wanted. Selfish twat said she wanted to go second. Yeah. I know. It might be wrong to hate a teenager but I hate that kid. There’s just something about her I don’t like.

Scotty, on the other hand, I like the kid. He seems like such a nice young man. And while he’s sang country (maybe a bit of rockabilly when the theme called for oldies) every single episode, you can see how far he’s come in terms of stage presence. He’s comfortable up there and its apparent he’s having fun. It’s not life or death for Aiken E. Newman. You know this kid is going to be fine win or lose. Maybe he’ll even play some more baseball with his friends, graduate with them, all that good stuff.

Funny. The judges do not critique after he performs. I guess they save it for the end of the round. The judges should be quiet more often. After all, when have they really had anything worthwhile to say? There’s that old adage if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all but I don’t think that counts when you’ve been hired to offer up your many years of industry expertise & experience and critique wannabe singers. But then being in this position also allows you to collect a fat paycheck for reading producer-written notes and telling everyone they’re just wonderful and then giving the handful of remaining fans / people who have nothing better to watch the most boring finale in Idol history. Hell, even last season, which was pretty much downright terrible, I still looked forward to seeing Crystal Bowersox being awesome in the finale. Hell, it was even mildly entertaining to watch your cousin Phil DeWheezy butcher songs about being a paint salesman. I mean a boxer. Anyway…

Lauren Alaina
Flat on The Floor

No better way to kiss ass than to sing a Carrie Underwood song. The outfit. That hair. That makeup. Jesus. I have said time and time again Lauren Alaina is not fat. She does not, however, know how the hell to dress for her age or body type. This evening, she does, in fact, resemble Miss Piggy. I can’t even feel like a bitch for saying it. She’s the one vacuum-packed into black spandex and silver reptile print. HONEY. You are 16. Dress like a 16-year-old. You wanna look like your momma? Well I’ll let you in on a little secret. She looks like shit for being in her mid-to-late 30s. That Aiken E. Newman is out there wearing jeans and a t-shirt and you’ve got more paint on than the store that guy who won last year is gonna start working at after his little tour finishes.

She also totally fraked up in some parts. Her voice sounds like shit. Maybe she blew out another vocal chord.

Round 2 — Celebrities’ Pick
In this round, the contestants’ HEROES have selected their songs. (Clearly Lauren Alaina has never heard of Patsy Cline and well, poor Patsy left this world too early but I mean, Lucinda Williams and Trisha Yearwood would have been good choices, too.)

Scotty McCreery
Check Yes Or No (chosen by George Strait)

This song is special to me for one reason and one reason alone. My dear friend Maggie made me listen to a lot of country when she went through this phase in high school and I always thought the name of this song was Jack Daniels Knows. To me, it made sense. It seems like a perfect country song title. And I had already read a bit of Camus and hell, Jack Daniels being the only one to understand one’s feelings seemed somewhat existential (or drunk writer-ly) and Jack Daniels is made in the South and so is country music. So why wouldn’t it be the perfect country & western song? Let’s write it.

Now I think I gathered what this song was about even though it seemed to be entirely chorus. I was also typing and thinking about how that weird blond vampire fiddler guy got to earn another paycheck. Everyone else might think this is the most boring Idol finale ever, but Count Blondler got another gig on national TV. It really is not hard to realize some good actually comes out of this shit show if you just look carefully. Count Blondler might but a few more dollars in his ING Direct account, or help buy his band a new van for their summer mini-tour. Or maybe he can buy himself a brand new fiddle, or his mom a new front porch swing.

Oh yeah. About the song. Its all about meeting some girl when you’re 8 and being in love with her ever since but not realizing it until later and Jack Daniels knew all about that sort of thing. Jack Daniels knows everything. Now if I was choosing for Scotty, I would have gone for the slam dunk with a similarly-themed Tim McGraw ballad entitled Please Don’t Take The Girl. It’s about a kid named Johnny who’s dad takes him fishing and this girl wants to go and he doesn’t want him to take her. But later on he ends up falling in love with her. And they get held up on some dirt road by a gunman later on but he begs him not to take the girl and their lives are spared and then they go on to get married. Of course, then they decide to have a baby and this girl just has to go and die in childbirth even though Johnny is on his knees praying to God not to take the girl. Exactly. Slam dunk.

Lauren Alaina
Maybe It Was Memphis

Because Idol really wants you to know that Lauren Alaina is going to be the next Carrie Underwood, Carrie Underwood picked Lauren Alaina’s next song. American Idol really wants another cash cow. If you are blond and have a southern accent, you can be the next Carrie Underwood!

Why would anyone want to be Carrie Underwood, anyway? Just be yourself. Do you think copycat karaoke is going to get you that far…? Ugh. The only bright spot since the commercial break (featuring some grotesquely over-dramatic GOODBYE OPRAH ad touting her finale that makes it look as if the most important person in the world is dying) is seeing Haley Reinhart mugging for the camera from the audience, sitting beside Casey Broflovski, of course. And then there’s Naima and Jacob Lusk being all squirmy. Do you blame him? He has to keep adjusting himself so he can see over Mommy Suddeth’s stacked Kate Gosselin bob.

Count Blondler is clearly a Bill Hader character. And listen Sunday School Strumpet, the body type thing again…you don’t wear flat boots with a short skirt unless you’re well…unless…you’re taller. Where to begin on the dress? Do showgirls double as Sweet Potato Pie Parade majorettes these days? (Do majorettes still exist?) What the hell is that thing? Its almost…who designed that shit? NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. EVER. AND I KNOW YOU WILL BUY SOME YIPPY TOY DOG ONCE YOU ARE DONE WITH THIS SHIT AND THAT YIPPY TOY DOG WILL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU WILL DRESS HIM IN THE MOST HORRIBLE THINGS EVER CREATED FOR YIPPY TOY DOGS.

I do not care what you sang or how you sung it. Because you are so mediocre when it comes down to it. I’ve seen better shit on karaoke nights in Ballwin, MO for frak’s sake. Now it has finally dawned on me why a part of a certain quote has been running through my mind for the last month whenever I’ve blogged this show:

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

BINGO. First rule of TopIdol? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass. 2nd? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass.

You know who’s not gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass? The JUDGES. The JUDGES. How do you people live with yourselves? You’re just talking heads. Talking heads. Jennifer Lopez. You’ve been handcuffed to a bench at the NYPD and asked for cuticle cream. You almost destroyed a nice guy from Boston’s entire career. You danced with a giant high heel. Have you just given up on ever gaining anyone’s respect? If I were you, perhaps I would do the same. You’re rich. I would have people make me special eye shadow I could wear and then snort to make all rational thought disappear. Maybe that’s what you’re already doing. And you, Randy Jackson. You gave up a long time ago. Now you just want to make IN IT TO WIN IT happen. You want to trademark that shit. Will you say that to those dance crews? Why the hell do you judge dance crews, anyway? Don’t even get me started on you, Steven Tyler. There were such high hopes for you and yet you just sit there all sober and positive and for chrissake, I’m sure you’re on something and I don’t advocate self-destructive behavior but MY FRAKING FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, would you please just fall off the wagon to make this show somewhat interesting? Canned rhymes and whooping and telling young girls how pretty they are is not entertainment. That’s shit I see when I wait for the #1 bus in Central Square.

Again, we are forced to see more Momma Suddeth. She adores the screen time. And then Seacrest mentions Oprah and introduces this Taio Cruz person I guess because they’re both black or something. Its called Positive? This was part of that contest they mentioned one time at the beginning of the season, isn’t it? Don’t remember much about it, then again, I likely tuned it out or blogged that episode drunk or skipped it because I was drunk. (Sometimes I drink on Thursday nights. You know you do, too.)

Round 3 — This song will be on their album/corronation

Scotty McCreery
I Love You This Big

Some of the melody is reminiscent of Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers but the title is…the whole THIS BIG thing is what you say to a 3-year-old when your asking them about size or helping them take off a long-sleeved shirt. Its a rather forgettable ballad but he gets some smoke effects and makes his sweet parents cry. His parents seem so nice. He seems like such a nice boy.

Lauren Alaina
Like My Mother Does

What a song choice. In so many ways. In so many, many ways. Luckily for Kristi Suddeth, this also means EVEN MORE SCREENTIME. Holy swaybots make this stop.

When I love I give it all I got / like my mother does / when i’m scared / i bow my head and pray / like my mother does / she’s a rock / she is great / she’s an angel / she’s my heart & soul / she does it all

(BTW. Haley Reinhart never had to be helped down the stairs when wearing heels.)

NOPE. DONE. CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Because I see myself like my mother does

I can’t add anything. Nope. Can’t. It’s all be said sung. And I can’t keep taking photos of these asshats. I can’t keep listening to them talk. Hell, this idiot girl — whom, btw, was just proclaimed the winner by this allegedly-esteemed panel of judges — had some guy with about 10 uncredited roles on the IMDB come out and play “Doctor #1″ so we would believe she blew a vocal chord and there she is, yapping away, much like that poor toy dog she’s going to buy for her and her mother to play dress-up with. And “Doctor #1″ is all like, thanks FOX, you lied to me. You said there would be a 4-episode arc on House next season if I did this dog & pony shit with the whiny southern brat and now you’ve sent me on my way with a weak pittance after forcing me to sign some non-disclosure bullshit and told me you’ll call me. Lies. All lies. I graduated from NYU with a Masters in Theatre and this is what I get? So I get to keep my black scrubs. Nice parting gift.

Does David Cook come out now and sing that cover song? This stuff got paused for about 2 hours once they started replaying excerpts from tonight’s show with those phone numbers attached. In any case, I’m done. I don’t care who wins. I just want it to be over. Much as I did during that advanced screening of Gigli.

Spread the word. Do it.

MJ has an ongoing list of rumors and what-not about the finale. What would we do without MJ? Also: Don’t you love the fact Bruce Springsteen would never be caught anywhere near this show? Who cares if Little Stevie’s wife loves it? And Clarence Clemmons playing sax with Lady Gaga doesn’t count. As much as I would love to hear the right contestant do a little Springsteen (If I remember correctly, Taylor Hicks is the only one to perform Springsteen on the show), would I want to hear Bruce bastardized? I am surprised U2 is playing the finale, especially after the complete and utter destruction of Beautiful Day last year, but then again, Bono needs money to save Africa. AND help promote Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark, which still may be the biggest disaster in Broadway history.

Let’s also laugh at Lauren Alaina doing a rejected Kristy Lee Cook song chosen by Carrie Underwood called Like My Mother Does. I hope Kellie Pickler is her stylist so this can all be so very right. Lauren Alaina. Singing a song about HER MOTHER. I hope its all about dressing like her, getting her nails done like her, shaking the booty like her, dying her hair the same. Like My Mother Does. I want to believe all of this is because Idol knows how much we want to laugh at Kristi Suddeth, the penultimate stage mommy.

Fact:

David Cook will perform the S10 boot song “Don’t You (Forget About me)” on the Idol final tonight.

Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina will perform their first singles on Tuesday’s final. Scotty’s song is called ‘Love You This Big’ and Lauren’s is a Kristy Lee Cook cover titled “Like My Mother Does.” Country songwriter, Tim Nichols, who wrote Tim McGraw’s country hit, “Live Like You Were Dying,” tweeted that Scotty recorded one of his songs. There’s no confirmation that the song is Scotty’s single.

Carrie Underwood and George Strait chose a song for Lauren and Scotty (respectively) to sing on Tuesday night’s final. Carrie posted on her fan club message board that it was a song she wanted to do on the show, but wasn’t able for one reason or another.

Scotty and Lauren’s 3rd song will be a “favorite performance” of their choosing from the past season.

According to her parents, Haley Reinhart will sing an original song on the finale. The tune will be released to iTunes, and if it’s successful, an album will follow.

Casey Abrams will perform with Jack Black on Wednesday’s finale

Bono and the Edge will will appear alongside cast members of the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark on Wednesday’s finale.

Steven Tyler is expected to perform on Wednesday, sans Aeromsmith who turned down the opportunity to appear with their bandmate.

Lady Gaga will sing “Edge of Glory” from her new album on Wednesday’s finale, accompanied by Bruce Springsteen E Street Band saxophonist, Clarence Clemons.

Adam Lambert, Carrie Underwood confirmed to be at Wednesday’s finale.

RUMOR:

Praise 1300 is reporting that gospel star, Kirk Franklin, will sing his new single “Smile” on the finale Wednesday.

There’s a rumor that James Durbin will perform with the heavy metal band, Judas Priest on Wednesday’s finale

Spread the word. Do it.

I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

Spread the word. Do it.

Ah…American Idol’s Motown episode. It always starts in black & white. It always contains the same songlist. It always includes a montage designed to make white people feel good about themselves. There’s Hitsville USA. There’s Stevie Wonder. There’s Smokey Robinson and his now-scary stretched face. Jennifer Lopez is dressed like a radioactive birthday cake. This is likely her way of extending her sympathies to the people of Japan. Steven Tyler may be a very rich man, yet he insists on shopping at the nearest Cache. He also may be wearing one of Paul McDonald’s teeth around his neck.

Casey Abrams
I Heard It Through The Grapevine

Do we even need spoilers for Motown night? Can’t say I’m shocked Casey is taking on the Marvin Gaye-then-Gladys Knight & the Pipps-then-California-Grape classic. His hair is slicked back. He’s wearing a suit. He grunts with gusto and bravado. Before the big final note, he busts out some Taylor Hicks moves. He makes the faces of glorious crazy person one might encounter on the bus.

All in all, I like Casey’s performance because he actual offers evidence to being a well-rounded, legitimately cool person. Yet I realized its gonna be a long night because the same damn Motown songs every single season bore the hell out of me. No one can hate on Motown. But one can hate on seeing the same damn Motown songs year in and year out. Steven talks about Casey having a crazy ego, but in a good way. La Lopez and Randy think Casey is a true original! I guess for American Idol…but he’s not entirely unlike Taylor Hicks. But he is from Colorado and isn’t prematurely gray, which is why I imagine he looks like Kyle Broflovski all grown up. His friends also look like hippie stoners so I like him even more.

Thia Megia
Heatwave

This is an attempt to be current and to not sing a ballad. Um…anyway. I really, really, really want to love Thia Megia because she has such a beautiful secret-bitch face. I just need to see it. Why does she have to be so boring? I want to see this Radiohead-singing-not-gonna-take-your-shit girl I want to believe exists inside the pink-frosting-Jessica-McKlintockized tiny teenage Pinoy body. When introducing her, Ryan once again reminds us THIA IS 16-YEARS-OLD. He does not do that once you hit 18.

I actually am kind of digging Thia’s outfit tonight. I even like the gigantic rainbow-encrusted heart around her neck. Maybe its PMS that’s making me go soft. But she looks like she’s having fun! In her critique about bringing more and “acting,” I feel as if I’m watching Tyra. Why didn’t she bust out SMIZE? The judges are happy she busted out with something different. It is extremely sad when something different just means non-ballad.

Jacob Lusk
You’re All I Need To Get By

First:

There’s no guy in the competition who’s more Motown than Jacob.

Did Jimmy Iovine make this observation because Jacob likes wearing suits and um, is the only black guy in the competition? Discuss. Jacob once again brings up how he sang in church, but I get where he’s coming from about only wanting to do songs that have meaning to him. That’s why there are certain songs I sing in the privacy of my apartment when drunk. I keep the iPod on from my walk home and just go with it. These songs all fall in the same sort of realm.

Jacob actually gets background singers opening and a special guitarist. Jacob Lusk is simultaneously both more gospel and gayer than Christmas. I sort of dig it, even though I can not picture myself ever buying one of his albums. He’s all bravado, a showman, hitting the high notes with aplomb, doing fun movements with his hands. JLo is jumping up and down in her seat like an excited puppy. When he finishes, Steven jumps from his seat to give Jacob a big hug. Randy avers it is THE BEST IDOL PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME. Or something like that. It doesn’t entirely make sense. Somewhere in London or Los Angeles, Simon Cowell is sitting on his million-dollar settee with some million-dollar gin in some hundred-dollar t-shirt and smirking.

Lauren Alaina
You Keep Me Hanging On

Sunday School Strumpet wasn’t sure what song to sing for Motown Week because…SHE HAS NEVER HEARD OF MOTOWN. She compares The Supremes’ song about some guy screwing with you with ALL THE MEAN THINGS SHE’S READ ABOUT HERSELF ON THE INTERNET. Hey, Lauren? Have you visited these parts?

Lauren is like 16 or something, yet she dons animal prints like she’s a goddamn 43-year-old divorcee in heat. At least they straightened her hair. All I know is that I sooooo need a gif of the large bearded black man shaking his head when Sunday School Strumpet nearly gives Randy Jackson a lap dance. I hate this girl. I hate her so much. I don’t care if she’s a teenager. I despise her in a way I have not despised an Idol contestant since Kellie Pickler.

I hate the Lolita act, the age-inappropriate clothes, the scary mother-grandmother team cheering for her in the audience. And most of all, I hate the fact she likens this song to reading crappy things about herself on the interweb. I don’t care if her voice is sometimes sort of good. I know I can’t sing as good as her (or anyone on this show, for that matter) but hell, tell me what good the trade off would be?

I don’t think you listen to anybody about anything, and I like that about you.

Oh Shiny Cache Man, do not encourage her. Listen, Lauren Alaina. If you DO read here. Take a tip. Stop being such an insufferable twit. You’re not winning any fans. What might work in your small Tennessee town doesn’t work everywhere.

There is some movie called Hanna about an evil little girl and it stars Eric Bana and Cate Blanchett, which makes it eventual required viewing for TopIdol. I also want this Hanna kid to kick this Lauren Alaina’s ass. I also would wager serious cash Thia Megia hates her, which makes me like Thia Megia even more even though its only her secret bitchy side I only speculate about which makes me love her.

Even though it was Sunday School Strumpet who sang, we get to see more of Jacob Lusk before seeing her spew ridiculousness. Idol loves Jacob Lusk. Idol also loves Stefano Langone. Stefano’s mother came over to the mansion (do they still live there?) and cooked dinner. STEFANO YOU ARE NOT VINNY.

Stefano Langone
Hello

You know…there are few songs I think people should not touch after one Idol contestant performs them. Hello is one of them. First off, Stefano never even heard the song before (HOW COULD YOU NOT EVEN SEE THE AMAZING VIDEO? IT IS THE GREATEST EVER MADE!). Second, don’t touch this shit after David Cook. I say this about very Idol performances, but come on. Why bother? Especially when you’re gonna do a straight up karaoke version?

However, this at least gives me an excuse to post THE GREATEST VIDEO EVER MADE!

I bet JLo is gonna sculpt Stefano’s head after this shit. Anyhoo…even Seacrest brings up David Cook’s huge moment in Season 7. What the hell are you doing, Stefano Langone? The vocals are not special. This is the sort of shit sung on a cruise ship lounge that gets that 40-year-old divorcee in heat all hot and bothered. Stefano also mouths I Love You at the conclusion. And there is a spot of something underneath his lower lip. Even La Lopez is not going to be sculpting his head tonight. She uses her critique as another audition for some comedy-drama about a fertility-challenged woman. The judges collectively believe Stefano sang with zero emotion. She brings up acting again. Randy tells Stefano he should know how to connect because he’s been in relationships. He then says it was with Seacrest. Is this the first Seacrest-is-gay joke of the season? (And Tim Urban is all sad panda back in Texas.)

Seacrest gave Gordon Ramsey the pasta made by Stefano’s mom. I kind of feel bad for Mrs. Langone now.

Haley Reinhart
You Really Got A Hold On Me

Adult Film Idol Haley probably does have a better idea of Motown than most of the contestants. I sincerely do like her voice! The whole exchange between Haley and Jimmy Iovine also kind of sort of reminded me of this casting couch scene in a Jenna Jamison film I once saw. Go Idol stylists! Thank you for also putting the flat iron to Haley’s dated mane this week!

Haley has decent legs. She is going to showcase these as much as possible if it keeps her in the competition. Again, her voice is good. If only the judges liked her more. She could be a lot of fun. I don’t want her to end up on Porn Idol. The judges like her this week. It also gives Shiny Cache Man a chance to growl. Jennifer Lopez gives a surprisingly genuine and spot-on critique, yet I am still unable to ignore her tsunami eyelids.

Scotty McCreery
For Once In My Life

I was really hoping for Fats Domino’s Blueberry Hill, but that was not Motown. But you know what’s disturbing? Scotty undoing yet another button on his shirt like its the locks on a back door. At least this kid admits to having nary a clue about Motown, his only knowledge of which stems from his father’s love of Michael Jackson. So he decides to take on Stevie Wonder — a la country, natch.

The last thing I want to do is come off like a lounge singer.

Aiken E. Newman, I kind of like you. You are remarkably self-aware for such a young country bumpkin. And you made this shit your own. While you’re not my cup of tea, I’ve still not heard you hit one bum note in this competition. HE KNOWS HIS WHEELHOUSE. The judges don’t think it was his strongest performance, but they like the fact he’s taking chances.

Pia Toscano
All In Love Is Fair

Also tacking Stevie Wonder. Who would have thought she would be doing a BALLAD? Its a shame Mariah Carey was not ever under the Motown label. Even Pia’s package is ridiculously pageanty and dull. She says all the right things. She says all the nice things. Yes. Pia is very pretty. I imagine she also wants world peace.

Pia gets her own little orchestra. I don’t care. I’m going into the kitchen for a snack. Who cares if she’s technically great? She’s technically BORING. Even JLo is BORED. When you make me agree with Jennifer Lopez, you know you got a problem. She straight up asks her if she wants to be Celine Dion? Of course, she goes about it in a really long drawn-out way mainly to hear herself talk and convince people she’s a genuinely good person. But didn’t Pia get the hint last week when they told her to quit the ballad shit?

Paul McDonald
Tracks of My Tears

Sorry, folks. Tracks of My Tears does not fall into the same category as Hello does for me — although if you Glamberts want a bone, I would discourage any  contestant from taking on Gary Jules on the Idol stage. Plus, Glamberts are just so much more fun to piss off than any other whack job Idol fans so all I have to say is YES PAUL YES. While I was really hoping James Durbin would do the honors, this is almost just as good.

HE ALSO HAS HIS GUITAR! WGWG ALERT! WGWG ALERT! Paul seems to have recovered nicely since Shiny Cache Man pulled that tooth of his so he could have a shiny new necklace for tonight’s show. I certainly hope he promised him a good review. It is also ironic that Pauly Whites McDonald is singing about his smile looking out of place. Pauly White’s version of the Smokey Robinson classic is very Pauly Whites. His distinct voice is not unfamiliar, I’m still trying to place it.

Its a good thing Steven gave him a round-about comparison to Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson. That’s good enough for a molar! In the phone-number-wrapup, Ry-Ry notices Paul’s pendant (I guess its a pin when its on a man. Sexism.). Pauly Whites says its a jaguar. Ry-Ry says its a COUGAR. HE’S GONNA GET THE COUGAR VOTE. Duh. He already has it. They know this. (They also need to really shorten this show because now that we’re down to 11, the filler crap is beyond miserable.)

Naima Adeapo
Dancing In The Streets

Unlike a few past contestants, Naima Adeapo seems to actually have a certain knowledge about history, the civil rights movement…Africa. I kind of love Naima. She manages to give Milwaukee a shout out before busting into a full on African dance of sorts. She’s awesome. She better not go home. She’s entertaining. You honestly cannot convince me there is a more marketable female contestant for the pop realm in this competition.

Steven said something that rhymed but I don’t feel like backing up the DVR because we’re so close to this show being over. The judges even love her tonight. Nigel Lythgoe even made his presence known and gave her smiley polite applause.

James Durbin
Living For The City

So I’m guessing Adam Lambert forgot some clothes at the studio two years ago and James Durbin found them in a heating vent or something. Also: Not sure why they just don’t make Motown Stevie Wonder night. Anyway, next week, don’t be surprised if James shows up with jet black hair. He’s even traded his ass throw blanket in for a flog.

Seriously. Close your eyes when this guy sings. I wanna pull a Pepsi Challenge on every Glambert out there. I’ll blindfold you and make you listen to both of them unleash some high-pitched screeching. Jennifer Lopez makes up for a run of logic with her valley girl OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODS. James Durbin’s ego has taken control and he sincerely believes he is playing an arena to tens of thousands of adoring fans. It was decently enjoyable but I’m not racing to see it again, plus I already saw this guy sing a lot when his name was Adam Lambert. La Lopez is speechless, but she has to say this as Durbin is in the pimp spot.

Well Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster its over. Aren’t you glad, too? Who do you think is going home tomorrow? Sads. They won’t make the tour. You can bet its gonna be a girl, maybe even Thia, but probably Haley, even though she was one of tonight’s best. I hope its not Naima. But I will venture this guess — its not gonna be a dude sent packing, although Stefano Langone better what his calzone.

Spread the word. Do it.

On my way to San Francisco with @thedavidcook, & @nealfingtiemann . Performance tomorrow night, relaxing tonight talk to ya soon!

There you go, Cooktards and Cook fans. You have your post.

Spread the word. Do it.

As you see, TI looks well rested and refreshed.(and hopefully not too pissed off at the current state of this blog!) I’m sure I’ve been far too lenient, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Now, on to Idol news. Last night in Wallingford, CT marked Kris’s last stop on his summer tour. He will return to Arkansas for some well-deserved rest, and also to be inducted into the Arkansas Entertainer’s Hall of Fame on Sept 9th. I’ve seen some displeasure over that, but I’m sure that his selection has everything to do with winning American Idol and nothing to do with the fact that he only has put out one album. I think that merits some recognition. (after all, there have only been 9 winners. If they don’t hurry up and put some butts in the judges’ seats, that number may not increase, either!)
During the brief hiatus, Kris plans to write (with Cale most likely). I’d be curious to know if he’s co-written with any other bandmates. I think that could be interesting.

Michael Lynche is set to sing the National Anthem at his alma mater UCF’s game against N.C. State this coming Saturday. Maybe we will get a Late Night Sandwich? I’m sure all those tailgaters would set Big Mike up. If you’ve ever seen the spreads that get laid out at these games, you know that the potential is incredible! Per today’s news thread at Mj’s, Timmeh! is going to the studio to record an EP. I don’t really care. I just wanted an excuse to post the picture (above).

I looked for David Cook news. I reaally did. He is working on his album. Still. Working. On. His. Album. That’s all I got. I looked for a shot of him with a guitar slung over his shoulder to balance out this post. Three things make for better balance (or something like that). I did find one similar to the previous two. But I opted for a different picture. The more thematic shot was nice except for the unfortunate hair. It was the really weird early S7 hair. Nobody wants to see that.

That does leave me needing a picture of one more guitar-toting dude just for the sake of design.

Even^ better! Gina Orr tweeted yesterday that she is leaving 19E to manage Crystal Bowersox. I’m not sure how to interpret this really. I suppose it’s a good thing, that could give Crystal more control over what she wants.

And finally…to answer the age old question: “Will it play in Peoria?”
The answer is yes.

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Kris Allen’s THE TRUTH video is now available for download on iTunes!!
ORDER IT NOW!
There’s also this fun article
(via Mj’s) about Kris’s upcoming appearance in State College, PA.

And in Season 7 winner news, from the AWESOME Michael Slezak @ EW:

Good news for tennis fans who like a little side of beautiful music to go with their high-stakes matches: American Idol season 7 champ David Cook has been booked to perform “America the Beautiful” at the 2010 U.S. Open men’s finals on Sept. 12, EW has learned exclusively. Cook’s performance will be included during CBS’ coverage of the event.

David has also been busy writing songs! He and Kara Dioguardi penned the tune, “No Reply”, for Frankie Negron. Check it out here!

Okay, I was hoping for a little Late Night Sandwich to post, but instead ran across news of a much more unappetizing nature. Ewwwwwwww. If anybody thought “tongue-diving” was a little much, there’s this bit of information from last night’s Glamnation Tour:

Looks like someone must have thrown a pair of panties on stage. Adam smelled them. LOL Hope we get video.

Yeesh. I hope those still had the tags on them. Supposedly, it was reaaalllly hot at the concert, so undergarment removal could’ve seemed like a good idea…and, perhaps the stageward flight of said panties was precipitated by Tom Jones nostalgia (especially if pantytosser’s eyeballs were floating in vodka). You KNOW there will be video of this, and hopefully this tweeter was mistaken, and the sniffing was a gasp of revulsion. But… just in case we see what we didn’t really want to see, I hope there’s plenty of this to go around!

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This has nothing to do with American Idol. I just love Joshua Jackson. PACEY CON!

Nigel Lythgoe might be returning as Idol’s executive producer! Who was that idiot who took his place? Something Warwick? Produced pageants and the ilk? Anyway, say what you will about Lythgoe, who may or may not be a prick (homophobic or otherwise), Idol was kind of more entertaining with him on it. Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to save the show, sans begging Simon & Paula to come back or voiding the contracts of Kara DioGuardi and (sorry, Ellen!) Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, even though Randy Jackson is as useless as tits on a bull, he’s kind of…nostalgic at this point in Idol’s sad existence.

Speaking of Idol’s sad existence, the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken tour (Cluben!) has begun. This should be a warning to any little boy who wants to try out for American Idol. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU? Sadly, the video has been removed before I was able to watch it. If someone gets me a copy, I will provide full face-palming commentary.

UPDATED! (Thank you Jim! And H20Convo!) WHY IS THE FIRST THING I SEE…CLAY AIKEN GRABBING HIS CROTCH?

I would still actually see this man if he performed in a bar down the street because I know the show would actually be fun.

Meanwhile, on the current American Idol tour, Michael Lynche, Casey James, and Andrew Garcia continue to stuff sandwiches down their throats late at night. This time, Lee DeWyze makes a guest appearance. And what were the sandwiches they so enjoyed on July 24th? CHIK-FIL-A.

The Huffington Post’s Melody Breyer-Grell wrote that Adam Lambert is having an identity crisis, even though 85% of the article humped his leg effusively. (Breyer-Grell is mostly spot on in her assessment of Lambert’s career, and she is clearly someone who truly admires his talent. The article was HONEST.) Naturally, 85% is not good enough for the most ardent of Lambert fans. Uh oh…Did somebody say CHIK-FIL-A?

I find the need to mention Adam’s sexuality in an article about his talent offensive. I have done my Adam Lambert research, in fact I have written a book and many articles about Mr. Lambert. Adam does not suffer from an identity crisis. What you are looking for is simplicity in a complex person. Adam may be the boy next door in an interview, but he is the sexually provocative, thrusting, grinding, and testosterone laden Alpha male on stage. He is multifaceted and is always true to himself. There is absolutely nothing about Adam Lambert that is not genuine. The fans at his sold out tour venues will not agree with your assessment of his authenticity. Lambert is a man driven by his desire to make an artistic statement. Adam’s artistry encompasses his style, staging, and his ability to enrich every lyric with emotion. He is arguably the most gifted vocalist of his generation and a capable dancer. Why should any great artist limit their means of expressing themselves other than by the boundaries of their capability? Adam should sing whatever he wants to sing and I will go to his concerts and buy his album.

Kris Allen was in San Diego. He sang some songs during two sold-out shows at Anthology. Here is a video of Falling Slowly so you people get off the previous Idol Quickies thread. (Courtesy of SnapCracklyPop)

David Cook had breakfast with his father and brother yesterday. If you too, had breakfast on Sunday, you are likely destined to marry David Cook.

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So open up Adobe CS4 or get your watercolors from the attic. Channel your inner tardist. I want to see your ORIGINAL American Idol tard art.

Send me your entries, and I will post them right here with your name. At the end, we can vote on them. I’m not sure what you will win yet, but you will win something. Actually, I just thought about it and yes, I have selected a very special grand prize.

Blingees are also acceptable, although even if you are completely lacking in talent, that does have the potential to only HELP you in this competition. All I care about is the creative expression. Remember — this is a free for all! Photos! Videos! PowerPoint! Blingee! Pencil & Paper! You have the creative freedom to express yourself in any way you know how.

Get your entries in. You have until one week from today — June 18 at MIDNIGHT EST. Voting will then commence the following day and the ballot will be open for three days.

1. Deez
TARDSTINE CHAPEL

This is the first entry and well, I must say, its gonna be a very tough act to follow. Deez may have to commission these as t-shirts. My mouth is agape right now.

2. Nerdgirl
THE TRUTH UNTRUNK-ATED

I wish I could could think of a better title for this, alas. But it is ADORABLE. LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Nerdgirl, this is EPIC SQUEE.

3. Nerdgirl
2 HEP CATS & THE ODD KITTY OUT

Nerdgirl is having so much fun on PowerPoint, she decided to imagine what American Idol Season 8 would have been if the contestants were feline. Come to think of it, I bet Paula saw cats on stage every night. (Side note, I grew up with a black cat almost just like “Adam!” And “Kris” is clearly a Maine Coon. You know who else is a Maine Coon? OSKAR! Meanwhile, Tabby Danny is making heart paws at the mail carrier.)

4. Burgundy LaRue
THE BEAUTIFUL DOCTRINE

Vadlimir Nabokov believed writing was the only true art. Vlad must have known Burgundy LaRue. In fact, I bet Burgundy was the inspiration for one Lolita Haze. Since this may be one of the best all-time favorite contributions to Top Idol, I felt it needed exposure to a larger audience.

Why is your monster a green stop sign? Why does your facial expression suggest that you’re surprised by this? Are you in the middle of an identity crisis? Are you looking for a helping hand? You’ve come to the right place.

We at Top Idol are here to help you receive the proper care you need. We specialize in dealing with Transformative Adolescent Regression Disorder, better known as TARD. It’s where seemingly normal adults revert to acting like 12-year-olds and using the adult equivalent of I’M TELLING MY MOM!–which is I’M CALLING MY FRIEND/BROTHER/IMAGINARY MONKEY IN MY CLOSET WHO IS A LAWLER FOR THE F-BEE-I!

TARD treatment can be a painful process, depending on how far gone you are. If you merely buy useless magazines for a two-sentence snippet of your favorite Idol that’s buried in the classifieds alongside at-home stuffing envelope businesses and penis enlargement pumps, then the process should will merely be gentle chiding.

But if you find yourself dressing like your favorite Idol, buying 200 copies of their CD, spending you life savings to move to the US just to be closer to your supposed one true Idol love, or having written a Old English Dictionary-length book that covers a chicken-scented scandal that robbed your Idol of their rightful title, then the process will include Fostering Regenerative Assessment Unification, also known as FRAU. This 17-week therapy will include internet psychoanyalsis, merciless mocking, and name calling. I’ll be honest–it won’t be pretty. But if you stay the course, I assure you that the reward will greatly outweigh the pain.

We at Top Idol are licensed by the board-approved Oskar. He is always there if needed and can answer all questions.

Please be sure to take one of our informative pamphlets to learn more about TARD and FRAU’s positive effects. Top Idol is here to help you this difficult time. Please join us.

4. OhNoNotStarr / Starr
OMG THEY KILLED KRIS ALLEN YOU BASTARDS

Kristard Starr talks in complete sentences and can hold normal conversations — even when posting on her Kris Allen fansite Fourteen Plums. I assume the only reason she gave Kris Allen hair like Justin “The Moppet of Beelzebub” Bieber’s is because that was the closest option when creating your own South Park character. Starr is good people, and she also subscribes to my belief that creating a South Park character is the quickest way to artistic enlightenment.

5. CB
FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT

CB embodied the soul of every true tard in her tribute to the great Adam Lambert. She made a Blingee!

6. Nerdgirl
NERDGIRL LOVES POWERPOINT AND SINGING DOLPHINS

Nerdgirl is having way too much fun making tard art on PowerPoint. Here she sums up everything that goes on during the American Idol Tour.

7. Kate123
FORBIDDEN LOVE

Kate123 shows true artistic talent with her inspired imagining of Kradam’s typical romantical evening.

8. Kate123
THE LAST IDOL

Kate123′s The Last Idol is a religious experience of symbolism and metaphor. Kate123 has even clued us in to some of the secrets held within this great work — Rumour has it that by drawing a five line musical staff across the painting, the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

9. Anonymous (aka Deez)
KOLSCH & KOLSCH ATTORNEYS AT LAW

Deez can also find work as a commercial artist. Perhaps she should move to Florida and specialize in designing promotional materials for crusading law firms. Her first client? Kolsch & Kolsch, of course!

10. JaneRochester
ODE TO AN AMERICAN IDOL

JaneRochester proves she is quite the poet.

“Ode on an American Idol” (with massive apologies to John Keats)

Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour,
Thou foster child of Freddie and Stardust,
Zodiacal chanteur, who canst thus express
A sparkling tale more gaily than your song:
What glitter-tinged aureole glows about thy head
Of fairies or fellows, or of both,
In L.A. or the dales of Knoxville, Tenn?
What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
The elephant is truth, truth elephant,–that is all
We know on earth, and all we need to know.

*No homophobia was intended in the making of this art.

11. Hyde
TEH EVUL EMPIRE

Hyde captures the heart of TopIdol (and our Patron Saint Kerry Kolsch).

12. Maturin
THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER

Maturin loves the Jesus imagery. She also loves it when David Archuleta shows up with pizza.

13. CC
GLAMOPOCALYSE — THE PLAID MENACE

CC has designed the poster to the next huge international blockbuster, which will likely be the worst film of the trilogy.

14. Saskin
THE BIGGEST STAHS EVER

Saskin just made my morning. This is the first of her two monumental entries. She gets bonus points for creating the first entries featuring Syphilis Idol Constantine Maroulis. This design will likely become somewhat famous, as it is destined to be used on MTA buses to advertise an eventual Broadway show.

15. SnapCracklyPop
KRIM IS REAL

SnapCracklyPop only tards over Kris Allen…and our good friend, Jim Cantiello.

16. Nerdgirl
ETERNAL GLAMNATION

Nerdgirl just can’t stop with the PowerPoint, but who am I to tell her to quit? She’s on a roll!

17. Saskin
EVOLUTION OF IDOLMAN

Saskin brilliantly depicts the evolution of American Idol. Who else wants to see what she could do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest?

18. Deez
THE GLAMSCREAM

Deez reworks Edward Munch’s The Scream into something more GLAMORIZING.

19. 8SourCandy
GLAMBERT’S TRAVELS

The foremost book-cover artist of TopIdol updates the Jonathan Swift classic for a contemporary audience! This time, Lilliput is inhabited by tiny MONSTERS led by a king named…Oskar!

20. Gelid
BLINGEEING UP GLAMBABY

Every budding/would-be international superstah needs a healthy diet of cash, bright lights, bling and booze.

21. Kate123
FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA ON THE WALL FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA TAKE ONE DOWN…

I have no idea why, but Kate123′s Fifty Pills poster reminds me of that shit movie, 27 Dresses. Or Seven Pounds. Or the one about the grams you lose when you die.

21. CC
I ATE HIS GLAMLIVER WITH SOME PLAIDFAVA BEANS

Movie night continues with CC’s favorite double feature.

22. 8SourCandy
MY TARD SIGN WILL BEAT UP YOUR TARD SIGN

Admitted Adam Lambert-tard 8SourCandy makes a poignant and honest statement about the prevailing tard mentality. It’s not puppies and flowers! It’s a competition. And it’s a fight to the finish! With glamviolence!

23. Jukejoint
TARDING IN 5 AND
7 SYLLABLES FOR LIFE
I AM THE TARDRUS

Our Jukejoint finally enters the competition by flexing her haiku talent. She will sell these to any tard who needs one. They’re versatile — and she even accounts for those who cannot say everything they want to in this compact, Ancient Japanese artform.

TARD HAIKUS 4 U

The best singer is
The one who I like the best
The others are crap

I don’t care who won
Your Idol sucks anyway
Winners are losers

I love [Idol Name]
So much, so big, so deeply
That it will never, ever fit in five f^cking syllables so F^CK OFF, jellus h8ers, and leave [Idol Name] alone from your jellus homephobic h8erade!!!! And he’s not fat, either!!!!!!

24. Kate123
THE GAWDRAWKER (AKA AN GLAMOFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE)

Damn the hater who calls him Fredo. And suffer will those who betray The Glamily!

25. TwistOfLime
why must itself up every of a tard

Clearly Twist is ol’ ee reincarnated.

anyone lived in a small southern town
with up so many idol phones down
Randy Simon Paula Kara
he sang his chicken he danced his votes

Women and men (in other states)
cared for anyone with something like hate
they sowed their tard-dom they reaped their same
rock star glamour fame

some fans guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as anyone’s popularity grew
Paula Kara Randy Simon
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and feather by plume
he lent his nailpolish he shared his room
bird by glitter and stir by still
anyone’s  guitar was all to him

One day anyone won i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his head)
non-busy folk wrote page by page
vote by vote and search by search

plot by plot and cheat by cheat
a grand conspiracy earned the feat
noone and anyone earth by injustice
wish by fraud and if by go-phone.

26. Soda Grape
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HELIOTROPE

Heliotrope is a legendary Idol fantard. Heliotrope loved David Cook more than anything…until she laid her eyes upon Danny Gokey. And Heliotrope’s love for Gokey was impenetrable…until she discovered the perfect hybrid! His name is Lee DeWyze. Wonder who Heliotrope will tard over next season. Thankfully, she is not a card-carrying member of the Ellen James Society, so I suspect we will hear much from her for years and years to come.

27. Mithra
REVERIE IN HELIOTROPE

Wow. Heliotrope is VERY popular, isn’t she?

28. Mithra
WHAT SHE SEES

Mithra shows us what Kerry Kolsch sees every time she closes her eyes.

29. Pandora
TARD WORLD THE GARY JULES VERSION

Pandora had me at copy/pasting, copy/pasting.

To the tune of Mad World…

All around me are familiar blowhards
Worn out keyboards, scary fanboards
Bright and early for their daily postings
Copy/pasting, copy/pasting
Now their rage is spreading too
No dissension, no dissension
Run away I want to run away
No more MJs, no more MJs
And I find it rather skary
I find it rather sad
The dreams of Adam Lambert
Are the only ones they have
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World
Fantards waiting for their god to notice them
Happy Glamday, Happy Glamday
Bought the gloves and pleather too
Like Krazy Kerry and Tiger92
Went online and they threatened me
Homephobic, homephobic
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World

30. Teevho
GLAMBERT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Teevho brings her A-game AND pushes the boundaries of mixed media just like the guy bleeding from his eye in her picture.

31. CB
JEALOUS FUSILLI

CB loves two things in life. Pasta and Casey James.

32. Deez
OUR LADY LUNACY

Deez admits this was a quick ‘n’ dirty Photoshop job, but it doesn’t take away the beauty of Kerry Kolsch finally being properly honored for her noble crusade — truth, justice and a world without cheese dip.

33. SongKat7
FINDING ANDREW RIDGELEY

Take me glam-dancing tonight. Jitterbulge.

34. Old Bat
CASEY DI MILO IN THE GARDEN OF TARDOM

Biblical utopia included grits & slaw.

35. Nerdgirl
ALRIGHT WITH MOOOOOOO

Nerdgirl is becoming quite skilled at manipulating PowerPoint ClipArt. And why the hell not celebrate a great cause?

36. Soda Grape
TRUE LOVE WON’T WAIT

Why should true love wait when there’s cake?

37. Paulie
HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

Paulie went into full-on tard mode to write this little ditty about Kris Allen set to the Donna Summer classic.

Saw him there on the Idol stage
And I wondered who he is
Cos it’s strange to me
That I haven’t heard him sing a thing

Nine PM on the hour hand
And he’s singing MJ’s song
And he’s sounding real pretty
As he poured out his heart and soul

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Twenty-eight eps have come and gone
And I’ve seen a lot of tears
Of the ones voted out
Yet Kris is still standing there

It’s a sacrifice singing day to day
For lukewarm comments, judges seem to pay
But it’s worth it all
Just to hear him sing the night away

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Already knows
He’s seen his bad times
After winning Idol
These are the good times

Never sold out
He never did
Even with “No Boundaries”
He worked hard…

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Spread the word. Do it.