I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

Spread the word. Do it.

The Los Angeles Times IdolTracker doesn’t quite come out and say what most of us are thinking about Chris Medina this morning…

Yahoo! Music’s Lyndsey Parker gets mad love for her absolutely PERFECT TWEET announcing her recap — American Idol in the Land of Cheese and Gokey. I may have to have a little side discussion with her, however, regarding her sympathy towards Pimp My Crip Chris Medina. There’s something just not right about how that was played out on TV.

Gawker’s Richard Lawson is just all-around awesome and he’s the only person to “go out of his way” to “not mention” Pimp My Crip. (I am using every opportunity to call this guy Pimp My Crip, though, at least until it catches on.) I so want to hang out with Richard Lawson. I tard for him. Sample prose:

Back to the teens! There was a girl who drove up from Littleton, CO with her family and she was really excited, because she had been “working so hard” for this for so long. She is fifteen years old. What has she been working so hard on? “You know, just eighteen months ago, Kaylee [or whatever] was actually nine-years-old. But she worked really hard, and now she is 15 and eligible. Just goes to show you what a little determination can do.” I don’t really get when kids show up and warble a few notes and say they’ve worked really hard for this. I get it if you’re like some 15-year-old figure skater whose only friends are two middle-aged coaches and a Zamboni driver, and you go to the Hotlympics and you say “I worked really hard for this!” Because you did! You could have been out there with the other kids, playing Jerk the Jerk and sneaking into the Saw movies. But you weren’t. You worked hard at something. Girl driving up from Littleton because she likes to sing once in a while? Not the same thing!

Popdust’s Maura Johnston calls out both the obsession with finding Tween Bait AND Jennifer Lopez’s exquisite bitchface when Jovan Raymond busted out a little Jenny On The Block. Sorry, JLo, but I’ve just never been fooled by the rocks that you got.

Now with TVLine, Michael Slezak is still good ol’ Michael Slezak. Would you want him to be anything else? HELL NO. (Psst. Slezak. You better bring Kristen Baldwin over for some Idol chat brilliance this season. I really need to hear her take on Pimp My Crip Chris Medina.)

The Glamberts are bored. Good thing Out Magazine has given them a poll to spam! (MARC JACOBS WILL ALWAYS WIN IN MY HEART.) Gee, Out…including Perez Hilton? I assume this is only in the name of web traffic, right? Also, it seems they needed 100 OUT notable gay males so I guess this sort of…I mean, Clay Aiken is also on there. Oh, Andy Cooper. If you would just say those two little words, we would no longer have to include Perez Hilton on these arbitrary polls.

Danny Gokey Tweeted some words of support to his heir apparent.

People hated me 4 sharing my story on idol & now Im already seeing their starting 2 bash Chris Medina for his. His story will help many!!

Chikeze Eze is going to jail. All over a bottle of cologne. What happened to you, Chikeze? You seemed like such a good boy. Don’t let me down. (What cologne was it, anyway?)

Tonight, American Idol goes to Nashville. What do you think? Hang out at with all of us wonderful creatures and comment about it below. (Obviously, I will be recapping, but recapping takes time. Precious, precious time.)

Spread the word. Do it.

As Thursday’s episode in New Orleans did not record and Wednesday’s began late for me last week, this is the first time I’ve seen the new American Idol opening, featuring Jennifer Hudson and Adam Lambert (they are STILL trying to make him happen-happen) along with the winners. They even have a separate White Guy With Guitar section featuring David Cook, Kris Allen, and Lee DeWyze (they are NEVER gonna try and make him happen). Guess what? The opening is still lame and it has not changed my life. Nor has it changed yours.

If you even think that intro paragraph gives you carte blanche to discuss any of those people (Granted…I could handle some Jennifer Hudson talk. How can anyone not adore that girl?), you’re clearly an idiot. THIS IS SEASON 10. Forget the past, dammit. Of course, since we are in Milwaukee this evening, I do believe it is fair to discuss one formal Idol contestant if you so desire. Just look at that goon.

No matter where Danny Gokey puts his hands, they always seem to be shaping a damned heart.

$25 says Jennifer Lopez had never heard of Milwaukee before this evening. She thinks Lake Michigan looks like the ocean. Hey…it is a big lake, so I assume she was attesting to this fact after Randy called it an ocean. Or maybe she was trying to correct him. Oh who cares. Steven Tyler is howling his crazy babble and I just showed up for the crazy babble howls.

(Dear American Idol. We are not idiots. Stop trying to make us believe Jackson, Lopez and Tyler saw thousands of wannabes audition. And yes. I will say this during EVERY SINGLE ARDUOUS AUDITION SHOW.)

Scotty McCreery
Scotty gets coverage of him doing shit in his hometown of Garner, North Carolina. He is 16. His name is Scotty. He also wears a big fat cross and sings country music. He’s like a pickup truck Clay Aiken. This kid is a one-trick pony. Steven Tyler asks him to sing something that stands the test of time. We then learn Randy Jackson once produced something for Travis Tritt. I still think Scotty McCreery is a one-trick pony, but if Michael Bay goes back to directing Chevy commercials, he should totally sing for that campaign. Scotty McCreery just sounds like a Chevy truck commercial.

Well hellfire, save matches, f**k a duck and see what hatches.

Oh Steven Tyler. I so cannot wait for when this show goes live.

Joe Repka
You already know this guy is going to be humiliated given the fact he looks like Peter Griffin and is an aspiring radio DJ in Toledo who goes by the name Big Joe. I suspect he might be okay with humiliation, as he is likely doing this for a radio station stunt. I also cannot believe this guy is…this guy is…19?

The judges tell them to keep his day job. Big Joe keeps singing. But hey, Big Joe, you will probably get a little bit of fame in Toledo after this, no? And maybe even a big fat radio job! Exposure is everything.

Emma Henry
Golly gee. Another 15-year-old. A 15-year-old with a terrible dye job, which is how younguns express themselves. Bad dye jobs. She’s wanted to be on the show since seeing Kelly Clarkson win during Season 1. Emma sings True Colors and her voice is mildly interesting, yet not mature enough. There are shades of say, Adele, but she does not really seem to have much control over it yet. But she’s too young. Her voice is just not there. I am also shocked I agree with Jennifer Lopez on this one, but she just ain’t ready. J. Lo says no. Steven says yes (she’s a young girl wearing a skirt). IT IS ALL UP TO RANDY. And Randy is totally RIGHT. Give this girl a couple of years. Hey, the show might not be on by then but for chrissake, you’re only 15 little Emma Skunkhair. But this gives Stevie Tyler another chance to let out one of his high-pitched whoops and Emma’s tears get her a ticket to Hollywood.

Another commercial. Promising more tears, more girls with flowers in their hair, and a Civil War reenactment after the break.

THE PART WHERE THEY SHOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO SUCK DONKEY BALLS

Kody Zalewski
So you tell people you have a bluesy voice. Like Frank Sinatra. And then you come out swinging (literally) to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance?

Juanita Borges
Juanita Borges is JUANITA GORGEOUS! This luscious lady has DListed Hot Slut of the Day written all over her face. From the her black Wet ‘N’ Wild lips to the crushed black velvet mid-drift baring boudoir ensemble, finishing off with lucite stilettos as seen in your favorite backwoods strip club, Juanita is perfection in plumpness. So…is she pregnant?

Kamil Anthony
Also singing Bad Romance. Why do I have a feeling there’s gonna be a Bad Romance montage at some point?

Kanisha Miller
Kanisha screams Alicia (Keys) and looks like she’s in the midst of trying to take a crap after eating nothing but cheese for 2 days straight. Yawn.

(Kody totally did this on a dare. Which is why he asked for a hug and a sip of Randy’s Coke Zero.)

Truth be told, I had no idea Milwaukee was home to the world’s biggest music festival. Have I ever even heard of this Summerfest?

Naima Adedapo
Even though she has a flower in her hair, Naima Adedapo also has dreads and wears the colors of Africa. She also has two daughters and cries nicely. Her career is termed Grounds Cleanup on the chryon. She is also quite striking. (We already know she’s made it to the Top 40, btw.) She might just even have a fun personality. She is also the first contestant I’ve seen this season who actually kind of EXCITES me.

(Cut to me. Still waiting for the Civil War reenactment.)

Jovan Raymond
Who cares how she does? Jovan gets MAD PROPS for singing Jenny From The Block! Do you guys remember that video? You know who wishes they could forget it? Well, besides Ben Affleck. Jennifer Lopez. It just brings back too many memories and bitch is staring daggers.

Chris Kammer
Idiot with a Will Ferrerll complex shows up in some silver pajamas with a giant toothbrush. A complete gimmick. (He’s also 54? And a dentist?) A complete gimmick lacking any bit of actual humor. Next, please.

Jerome Bell
Jerome is a Bar Mitzvah singer, good looking, and a snappy dresser. So is he Jewish? I don’t exactly know what American Idol would do with a Jew of Color. It might confuse. Heads might explode. Jerome belts out a satisfactory Let’s Get It On full of bombast. He’s nothing you haven’t seen before and nothing you won’t ever see again. But give him the ticket. Shalom.

Obligatory Justin Bieber bit in the hopes tweens are watching. Some 5-year-old sings. This gives Ryan Seacrest a chance to talk about all those talented 15-year-olds. He even admits they want the next Bieber. HA. HA. Not gonna happen. I’m getting kind of bored…

Thia Megia
Here she is! This is the girl everyone just loves, singing Adele! Thia Megia was heavily promoted in the pre-season advertisements. Thia Megia was on America’s Got Talent. I don’t care what This Lego My Eggo teenager sounds like. Homegirl is a plant. And why can’t high school kids like, just be high school kids? And have aspirations of going to college while doing show choir or joining a band or something. Blame the parents. Thia Megia really needs a TIGER MOTHER. (BTW, I like Tiger Mom. Rock on, Tiger Mom.)

American Idol is pretty much taking any teenager who comes a’knocking just because those menopausal frumpy ladies foaming at the mouth and plucking their chin hairs while watching and voting every week have done nothing but sink their once-powerful brand.

CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT TIME! FINALLY!

Nathaniel Jones
Is your Dad a hippie? (Huh?)

No. He’s not a hippie. Hippies believe in sex.

Finally. An original gimmick. I’m not sure if this kid is batshit crazy or just a guy who came up with a fairly decent gimmick to get some screen time. Perhaps I should thank that fucker Jared Loughner for making me raise one eyebrow out of concern whenever I see a 22-year-old dude spouting some cray-cray. And I’ve never heard of any Civil War reenactor engaging in a killing spree at a supermarket, so I’m just gonna assume Nathaniel Jones is the good kind of crazy we need a bit more of during these tedious American Idol audition shows.

Plus, the dude gets props for singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and…kinda sorta somewhat on key. It is by no means good. By no means. But it captured the spirit…of something. THANK YOU STEVEN TYLER. You spoke the truth. Maybe not for American Idol, but somewhere, somewhere perhaps. Somewhere the lions sleep at night in Gettysburg or something.

Mason Wilkinson
I have no fraking clue but this is one of the most FANTASTIC AUDITIONS EVER. Finally a few actual moments of exquisitely dreadful entertainment. Alas. I think he was humiliated so now I’m kind of sad. I’m sensitive.

Molly DeWolf Swensen
Molly just graduated from Harvard and is a current White House intern. She loves Obama. Molly has blond hair and her name is Molly but I desperately want to love her, and not just because Randy accidentally punched her in the mouth while running around giving high fives earlier that day. Look at this girl. Look at how she can be used in the fight against lunatic Republicans with her blond hair and slender, Ann Coulter frame. How is Fox even allowing such things? I want to love Molly, but for chrissake, Harvard? THE WHITE HOUSE? Let’s just break it down. FUCK AMERICAN IDOL. Why are you here? OMG Molly is an alto. Molly I love you. I love you so much I just don’t want you to be here.

It is now Day 2! How can this be? I’ve been watching this shit show for the last 5 hours. It must get better. I mean, Steven Tyler needs to just do a reality show where he shares a house with Keith Richards. Who wouldn’t watch it? Tyler is even campaigning for a role as Keith Richards’ brother / Johnny Depp’s uncle in Pirates of the Carribbean 16: Deep Seas Rehab.

(If Milwaukee only has Danny Gokey and Summerfest to offer musically, well then. Why are you playing Violent Femmes’ classic ode to masturbation?)

Haley Reinhart
This is the closest I’ve seen to Steven Tyler creep on a young girl all night. Boo. Yeah, its sometimes inappropriate and creepy, but its not like Bret Michaels hasn’t done worse and gotten several seasons of VH1 for it. And what the hell else are aging rock stars supposed to do?

Haley’s voice is fine, I guess. But she’s boring. She has not attended Harvard or interned at the White House. I don’t even think she’s snorted meth inside a port-a-potty. Haley also feels the music in an annoyingly cloying way. She has the personality of a house plant. And Jennifer Lopez is wearing quite possibly the lamest, cheesiest shirt ever made that costs thousands of coin. A fraking treble clef on a silk t-shirt boasting a rhinestone crewneck? Even Randy Jackson thinks you look stupid.

Tiwan Strong
Its pronounced Taiwan. Yeah. Like the country. I wonder where this name came from. I wonder how many people, upon meeting Tiwan Strong, say Hey Tiwan on me! The 29-year-old child care person sings an oldie and charms the judges. He’s good enough for Hollywood. He kind of looks like a pocket-sized Shaq, too! Me? I really want to go the beauty shop with every single woman in his family because this looks like hella fun. And that is no-lye. (NO! The little one was so excited, she got a charley horse!)

Steve Beghun
A CPA. An auditor. He doesn’t have many friends. Quick. Someone look for his OKCupid.com profile! The dude is also wearing flip flops and I can’t stop staring at them. Men in flip flops just don’t work. As expected, Steve’s not too terrible a singer. His voice is a bit high and I’m not sure how much control he has over it, but he’s not bad–even if he makes J. Lo tell some forgettable story about her kid. (She did that so we will think she’s all sorts of caring mother or something.) Steve is going to Hollywood. In his flip flops, I imagine. Hey, at least he has a good day job to fall back on.

Vernika Patterson
Vernika is singing Minnie Ripperton’s Lovin’ You. Trivia: Who is Minnie Ripperton’s daughter? Answer: Maya Rudolph. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA–LA-LA-LA-LA-LA–LA-LA-LA-LA. Vernika is not happening, but at least you learned something. Ooooh. We are not done. Vernika is gonna shank a bitch. I can sing better than half of these people in the competition. She thinks its because she’s not skinny. Randy then points to a hidden photo of Ruben Studdard or something.

THAT’S A MAN! I’m talking about females.

Randy then says how the first winner wasn’t…then cuts himself off. Oh, Randy Jackson. You had your stomach stapled and you got your moobs back. Don’t you dare even call Kelly Clarkson fat.

REQUISITE ANGRY PEOPLE MONTAGE

Albert Rogers III
(Dear Saturday Night Live, having Fred Armisen imitate our African-American Commander In Chief is pretty lame. I think you guys need this dude.) Albert Rogers III, btw, was not as terrible as the judges purported him to be.

Scott Dangerfield
I had no idea this surname existed outside of Rodney. Student teacher Scott Dangerfield (How is he not one of the floppy-haired 15-year-old boys?) shows up with lipstick. Claims he was kissing someone. It gives Steven Tyler a chance to sing Piece of My Heart. I’m really glad J. Lo doesn’t ever interject with singing, but I don’t believe she would ever be caught without Autotune. Back to Scott Dangerfield…he’s not bad. But he sort of sounded like I assumed he would sound when he showed up. And I do not believe he is 22-years-old. Do 22-year-olds look this young these days? But remember that 19-year-old Big Joe? He looked at least 30. And what am I talking about? I look 27! I’m really grasping at things to talk about here, can you tell?

This is a real person. This is a real shirt. This is a real person wearing a real shirt.

Megan Frazier
Why is this girl wearing this hideous SkyMall button-down and not a Packers jersey. Her family isn’t even wearing Packers attire. NOT TRUE FANS. I don’t even care how much they shout LAMBEAU FIELD or GO PACK GO with their quaint Wisconsin accents. To continue on with the theme of WTF, Megan reaches a true crescendo when her mouth shapes into a perfect O and out comes Justin Bieber’s Baby. (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh yes. It popped right out of her operatic mouth.)

Alyson Jados
Ally wants to bring more rock & roll to American Idol. Ally is cute. If Ally sings well, I will love Ally. Ally loves Steven Tyler. Instead of being weird like those ones they showed us last week, this time, its all sorts of adorbs.

You look like you could be…one of my friends.

Loves it. All sorts of adorbs! Ally sings The Beatles’ Come Together. (Quick! Someone find me a Kris Allen tard who says HOW DARE SHE? There must be one, right? Go scan your Twitter.) I love Ally…even if, as Steven Tyler says, she’s a bit pitchy. I think he just wanted to call someone pitchy. She then belts out Dream On. (Now find me a Danny Gokey tard who says HOW DARE SHE?) Now Steven Tyler must decide her fate. Oh Stevie, don’t ruin her dream. Thank you, Stevie Tyler. Remember, she looks like she could be…one of your friends.

UNNECESSARY RECAP OF THOSE WE SAW 6 HOURS AGO BEFORE MANIPULATIVE SOB STORY

Chris Medina
Saving the ULTIMATE FRAU BAIT, 26-year-old Chris Medina looks like the love child of Jack Black and Season 5 contestant, Walking VD Constantine Maroulis. He wears his fiancee’s photo somewhere. He proposed to her in a Starbucks. I guess he works there. Don’t get me started on my feelings towards Starbucks, let alone proposing in a fraking Starbucks. Sometime after, there was a bad car accident and his fiancee was severely injured. They thought she was brain dead. She woke up. But she’s pretty much in a vegitative state. Her mother and him are her caretakers. They have no problem showing her in this condition on TV. Tell me, dear reader — WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is it necessary? Do you feel as if you’ve been manipulated? Do you, like me, wonder about these young men from Milwaukee (cough Danny Gokey cough) who like to sing and have dead or almost-dead wives/almost-wives? Is it something in the water?

Chris Medina sings The Script’s Breakeven and sets the hearts of 1000 bored frauen aflutter. (I can think of one in particular. You know who I’m talking about…First there was Cook…then Gokey…then your cousin Phil DeWheezy…now Chris Medina. She likes those of a particular age with a particular kind of sob story.) Holy shit. They brought the fiancee. (Why do they keep calling her girlfriend? Are you demoted to the role of girlfriend if in any sort of vegetative state?) I can’t even take a photo of this shit. The poor girl is involuntarily shaking in her wheelchair and has no idea what is going on. There’s just something about it…what’s that word? Its not the willies. But its like the willies. But not quite the willies. It’s just all so wrong. Even worse than proposing marriage at a Starbucks in between the branded thermal mugs and Sheryl Crow CDs.

Wow. How many hours was that? Tomorrow night, Idol goes somewhere else. Can’t recall, but its only an hour. Until then, my friends:

NEVER FORGET

Spread the word. Do it.

I don’t know if Gokey has ever spent Christmas in Tennessee, but then again, he never really listened to country music before some people in Nashville thought they could make him a country & western singer. (I just like saying country & western a lot when I talk about Danny Gokey.) Now truth be told, Gokey did spend time in Nashville with his cousin Ivan Santiago before Idol. (Remember Santiago? He’s the one who held that photo up during Karagokey’s first semifinal performance.) But I’ve been to Nashville. Hell, my friend who is an industrial DJ is there on business (non-DJ related) right now. Anyone can go to Nashville!

I have not heard Tennessee Christmas, but I have seen the cover art. Would you like to see the cover? Come on! It’s Tuesday morning. You know you could use a good laugh. Who was the stylist on this shoot? The frayed scarf is a no-way with the open henley collar and obvious chain-with-big-ass-crucifix. Is that hellfire I spy in the background? Oh. And that stare. Feeling violated? Did you do the crossword today? What’s a four-letter word for lascivious stare? I know you want to write in G-O-K-E but it is L-E-E-R. Perhaps we could work on getting it added to a dictionary next year? They seem to take any idiot’s made-up words these days.

But I want to see more terrible Xmas album covers! Send some of your favorites. Who doesn’t enjoy a terrible holiday album cover? ‘Tis the season.

Spread the word. Do it.

Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

Spread the word. Do it.

They may have amended some of the lyrics, but the kids look confused on those parts, so…you really can’t tell what they’re singing.

Nice job, Gokester! Just keep Pastor Rolex away from them, mmm-kay?

Spread the word. Do it.

So open up Adobe CS4 or get your watercolors from the attic. Channel your inner tardist. I want to see your ORIGINAL American Idol tard art.

Send me your entries, and I will post them right here with your name. At the end, we can vote on them. I’m not sure what you will win yet, but you will win something. Actually, I just thought about it and yes, I have selected a very special grand prize.

Blingees are also acceptable, although even if you are completely lacking in talent, that does have the potential to only HELP you in this competition. All I care about is the creative expression. Remember — this is a free for all! Photos! Videos! PowerPoint! Blingee! Pencil & Paper! You have the creative freedom to express yourself in any way you know how.

Get your entries in. You have until one week from today — June 18 at MIDNIGHT EST. Voting will then commence the following day and the ballot will be open for three days.

1. Deez
TARDSTINE CHAPEL

This is the first entry and well, I must say, its gonna be a very tough act to follow. Deez may have to commission these as t-shirts. My mouth is agape right now.

2. Nerdgirl
THE TRUTH UNTRUNK-ATED

I wish I could could think of a better title for this, alas. But it is ADORABLE. LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Nerdgirl, this is EPIC SQUEE.

3. Nerdgirl
2 HEP CATS & THE ODD KITTY OUT

Nerdgirl is having so much fun on PowerPoint, she decided to imagine what American Idol Season 8 would have been if the contestants were feline. Come to think of it, I bet Paula saw cats on stage every night. (Side note, I grew up with a black cat almost just like “Adam!” And “Kris” is clearly a Maine Coon. You know who else is a Maine Coon? OSKAR! Meanwhile, Tabby Danny is making heart paws at the mail carrier.)

4. Burgundy LaRue
THE BEAUTIFUL DOCTRINE

Vadlimir Nabokov believed writing was the only true art. Vlad must have known Burgundy LaRue. In fact, I bet Burgundy was the inspiration for one Lolita Haze. Since this may be one of the best all-time favorite contributions to Top Idol, I felt it needed exposure to a larger audience.

Why is your monster a green stop sign? Why does your facial expression suggest that you’re surprised by this? Are you in the middle of an identity crisis? Are you looking for a helping hand? You’ve come to the right place.

We at Top Idol are here to help you receive the proper care you need. We specialize in dealing with Transformative Adolescent Regression Disorder, better known as TARD. It’s where seemingly normal adults revert to acting like 12-year-olds and using the adult equivalent of I’M TELLING MY MOM!–which is I’M CALLING MY FRIEND/BROTHER/IMAGINARY MONKEY IN MY CLOSET WHO IS A LAWLER FOR THE F-BEE-I!

TARD treatment can be a painful process, depending on how far gone you are. If you merely buy useless magazines for a two-sentence snippet of your favorite Idol that’s buried in the classifieds alongside at-home stuffing envelope businesses and penis enlargement pumps, then the process should will merely be gentle chiding.

But if you find yourself dressing like your favorite Idol, buying 200 copies of their CD, spending you life savings to move to the US just to be closer to your supposed one true Idol love, or having written a Old English Dictionary-length book that covers a chicken-scented scandal that robbed your Idol of their rightful title, then the process will include Fostering Regenerative Assessment Unification, also known as FRAU. This 17-week therapy will include internet psychoanyalsis, merciless mocking, and name calling. I’ll be honest–it won’t be pretty. But if you stay the course, I assure you that the reward will greatly outweigh the pain.

We at Top Idol are licensed by the board-approved Oskar. He is always there if needed and can answer all questions.

Please be sure to take one of our informative pamphlets to learn more about TARD and FRAU’s positive effects. Top Idol is here to help you this difficult time. Please join us.

4. OhNoNotStarr / Starr
OMG THEY KILLED KRIS ALLEN YOU BASTARDS

Kristard Starr talks in complete sentences and can hold normal conversations — even when posting on her Kris Allen fansite Fourteen Plums. I assume the only reason she gave Kris Allen hair like Justin “The Moppet of Beelzebub” Bieber’s is because that was the closest option when creating your own South Park character. Starr is good people, and she also subscribes to my belief that creating a South Park character is the quickest way to artistic enlightenment.

5. CB
FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT

CB embodied the soul of every true tard in her tribute to the great Adam Lambert. She made a Blingee!

6. Nerdgirl
NERDGIRL LOVES POWERPOINT AND SINGING DOLPHINS

Nerdgirl is having way too much fun making tard art on PowerPoint. Here she sums up everything that goes on during the American Idol Tour.

7. Kate123
FORBIDDEN LOVE

Kate123 shows true artistic talent with her inspired imagining of Kradam’s typical romantical evening.

8. Kate123
THE LAST IDOL

Kate123′s The Last Idol is a religious experience of symbolism and metaphor. Kate123 has even clued us in to some of the secrets held within this great work — Rumour has it that by drawing a five line musical staff across the painting, the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

9. Anonymous (aka Deez)
KOLSCH & KOLSCH ATTORNEYS AT LAW

Deez can also find work as a commercial artist. Perhaps she should move to Florida and specialize in designing promotional materials for crusading law firms. Her first client? Kolsch & Kolsch, of course!

10. JaneRochester
ODE TO AN AMERICAN IDOL

JaneRochester proves she is quite the poet.

“Ode on an American Idol” (with massive apologies to John Keats)

Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour,
Thou foster child of Freddie and Stardust,
Zodiacal chanteur, who canst thus express
A sparkling tale more gaily than your song:
What glitter-tinged aureole glows about thy head
Of fairies or fellows, or of both,
In L.A. or the dales of Knoxville, Tenn?
What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
The elephant is truth, truth elephant,–that is all
We know on earth, and all we need to know.

*No homophobia was intended in the making of this art.

11. Hyde
TEH EVUL EMPIRE

Hyde captures the heart of TopIdol (and our Patron Saint Kerry Kolsch).

12. Maturin
THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER

Maturin loves the Jesus imagery. She also loves it when David Archuleta shows up with pizza.

13. CC
GLAMOPOCALYSE — THE PLAID MENACE

CC has designed the poster to the next huge international blockbuster, which will likely be the worst film of the trilogy.

14. Saskin
THE BIGGEST STAHS EVER

Saskin just made my morning. This is the first of her two monumental entries. She gets bonus points for creating the first entries featuring Syphilis Idol Constantine Maroulis. This design will likely become somewhat famous, as it is destined to be used on MTA buses to advertise an eventual Broadway show.

15. SnapCracklyPop
KRIM IS REAL

SnapCracklyPop only tards over Kris Allen…and our good friend, Jim Cantiello.

16. Nerdgirl
ETERNAL GLAMNATION

Nerdgirl just can’t stop with the PowerPoint, but who am I to tell her to quit? She’s on a roll!

17. Saskin
EVOLUTION OF IDOLMAN

Saskin brilliantly depicts the evolution of American Idol. Who else wants to see what she could do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest?

18. Deez
THE GLAMSCREAM

Deez reworks Edward Munch’s The Scream into something more GLAMORIZING.

19. 8SourCandy
GLAMBERT’S TRAVELS

The foremost book-cover artist of TopIdol updates the Jonathan Swift classic for a contemporary audience! This time, Lilliput is inhabited by tiny MONSTERS led by a king named…Oskar!

20. Gelid
BLINGEEING UP GLAMBABY

Every budding/would-be international superstah needs a healthy diet of cash, bright lights, bling and booze.

21. Kate123
FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA ON THE WALL FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA TAKE ONE DOWN…

I have no idea why, but Kate123′s Fifty Pills poster reminds me of that shit movie, 27 Dresses. Or Seven Pounds. Or the one about the grams you lose when you die.

21. CC
I ATE HIS GLAMLIVER WITH SOME PLAIDFAVA BEANS

Movie night continues with CC’s favorite double feature.

22. 8SourCandy
MY TARD SIGN WILL BEAT UP YOUR TARD SIGN

Admitted Adam Lambert-tard 8SourCandy makes a poignant and honest statement about the prevailing tard mentality. It’s not puppies and flowers! It’s a competition. And it’s a fight to the finish! With glamviolence!

23. Jukejoint
TARDING IN 5 AND
7 SYLLABLES FOR LIFE
I AM THE TARDRUS

Our Jukejoint finally enters the competition by flexing her haiku talent. She will sell these to any tard who needs one. They’re versatile — and she even accounts for those who cannot say everything they want to in this compact, Ancient Japanese artform.

TARD HAIKUS 4 U

The best singer is
The one who I like the best
The others are crap

I don’t care who won
Your Idol sucks anyway
Winners are losers

I love [Idol Name]
So much, so big, so deeply
That it will never, ever fit in five f^cking syllables so F^CK OFF, jellus h8ers, and leave [Idol Name] alone from your jellus homephobic h8erade!!!! And he’s not fat, either!!!!!!

24. Kate123
THE GAWDRAWKER (AKA AN GLAMOFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE)

Damn the hater who calls him Fredo. And suffer will those who betray The Glamily!

25. TwistOfLime
why must itself up every of a tard

Clearly Twist is ol’ ee reincarnated.

anyone lived in a small southern town
with up so many idol phones down
Randy Simon Paula Kara
he sang his chicken he danced his votes

Women and men (in other states)
cared for anyone with something like hate
they sowed their tard-dom they reaped their same
rock star glamour fame

some fans guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as anyone’s popularity grew
Paula Kara Randy Simon
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and feather by plume
he lent his nailpolish he shared his room
bird by glitter and stir by still
anyone’s  guitar was all to him

One day anyone won i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his head)
non-busy folk wrote page by page
vote by vote and search by search

plot by plot and cheat by cheat
a grand conspiracy earned the feat
noone and anyone earth by injustice
wish by fraud and if by go-phone.

26. Soda Grape
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HELIOTROPE

Heliotrope is a legendary Idol fantard. Heliotrope loved David Cook more than anything…until she laid her eyes upon Danny Gokey. And Heliotrope’s love for Gokey was impenetrable…until she discovered the perfect hybrid! His name is Lee DeWyze. Wonder who Heliotrope will tard over next season. Thankfully, she is not a card-carrying member of the Ellen James Society, so I suspect we will hear much from her for years and years to come.

27. Mithra
REVERIE IN HELIOTROPE

Wow. Heliotrope is VERY popular, isn’t she?

28. Mithra
WHAT SHE SEES

Mithra shows us what Kerry Kolsch sees every time she closes her eyes.

29. Pandora
TARD WORLD THE GARY JULES VERSION

Pandora had me at copy/pasting, copy/pasting.

To the tune of Mad World…

All around me are familiar blowhards
Worn out keyboards, scary fanboards
Bright and early for their daily postings
Copy/pasting, copy/pasting
Now their rage is spreading too
No dissension, no dissension
Run away I want to run away
No more MJs, no more MJs
And I find it rather skary
I find it rather sad
The dreams of Adam Lambert
Are the only ones they have
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World
Fantards waiting for their god to notice them
Happy Glamday, Happy Glamday
Bought the gloves and pleather too
Like Krazy Kerry and Tiger92
Went online and they threatened me
Homephobic, homephobic
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World

30. Teevho
GLAMBERT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Teevho brings her A-game AND pushes the boundaries of mixed media just like the guy bleeding from his eye in her picture.

31. CB
JEALOUS FUSILLI

CB loves two things in life. Pasta and Casey James.

32. Deez
OUR LADY LUNACY

Deez admits this was a quick ‘n’ dirty Photoshop job, but it doesn’t take away the beauty of Kerry Kolsch finally being properly honored for her noble crusade — truth, justice and a world without cheese dip.

33. SongKat7
FINDING ANDREW RIDGELEY

Take me glam-dancing tonight. Jitterbulge.

34. Old Bat
CASEY DI MILO IN THE GARDEN OF TARDOM

Biblical utopia included grits & slaw.

35. Nerdgirl
ALRIGHT WITH MOOOOOOO

Nerdgirl is becoming quite skilled at manipulating PowerPoint ClipArt. And why the hell not celebrate a great cause?

36. Soda Grape
TRUE LOVE WON’T WAIT

Why should true love wait when there’s cake?

37. Paulie
HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

Paulie went into full-on tard mode to write this little ditty about Kris Allen set to the Donna Summer classic.

Saw him there on the Idol stage
And I wondered who he is
Cos it’s strange to me
That I haven’t heard him sing a thing

Nine PM on the hour hand
And he’s singing MJ’s song
And he’s sounding real pretty
As he poured out his heart and soul

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Twenty-eight eps have come and gone
And I’ve seen a lot of tears
Of the ones voted out
Yet Kris is still standing there

It’s a sacrifice singing day to day
For lukewarm comments, judges seem to pay
But it’s worth it all
Just to hear him sing the night away

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Already knows
He’s seen his bad times
After winning Idol
These are the good times

Never sold out
He never did
Even with “No Boundaries”
He worked hard…

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Spread the word. Do it.

All u jersey shore fans check this pic out at the after party @sn00ki @itsthesituation. She said her mom LOVES me http://yfrog.com/mvqn3j

Oh yeah. It’s real. Now excuse me. I just need to go eat ham and drink water. And cry why why why into my Snooki pillowcase. I’m wearing my Bumpit at half mast tomorrow.

Funny how Snooki’s mom is a big fan. He’s the same age as The Situation. Gokey’s statement says volumes about the relevancy of American Idol in 2010. The two biggest reality TV sensations du jour pose for an unenthused photo with Season 8′s erstwhile widower, as one of them informs him her mother is a big fan.

Spread the word. Do it.

It is now a reality. Danny Gokey is the spokesman for Wisconsin Vision. These eyeglasses allow Gokey to see the future, like a dog, a million more pairs of eyeglasses…and the perfect wife.

For the up-and-coming country singer who will largely be remembered by American Idol viewers as Dead Wife Guy, it almost seems in bad taste to see him talking about finding the perfect wife. What? One without a congenital heart defect? Gokey does seem to be moving on from his tragedy — as also evidenced by an um, interesting Tweet to La Princesa del Mariachi Allison Iraheta — which is necessary when something terrible happens, but it still seems a bit odd to use in a marketing campaign. And as someone who makes their living as a copywriter, just uh…why? Why did the ad agency go in THIS direction? Because its just not good.

@AllisonIraheta believe me you would’ve screamed if u saw my feet before the pedi. Besides I gotta get me feet looking good 4 the ladies

Gokey’s other Wisconsin Vision commercial is a big better, mainly because he says schmutz. Jesus boy Danny Gokey talking like my Jewish aunt…it may have been the most likable I’ve ever seen him. Almost…

Spread the word. Do it.

Not surprising of course, but as usual, ever so painful. The boys open the song, gamely smiling, perhaps, but still with knowing self-consciousness. Especially when they are called upon to act out the parts. The girls are robotic. I begin to wonder when it is in someone’s career as a performer do they ably grasp the concept of lip syncing.

The best part of tonight’s group sing? Watching a definite favorite of mine, Alex Lambert, mumble through the auto track with a most incredible look on his face. He feels what I feel when watching this crap! But he’s singing! Alex Lambert earns more points.

I find it funny they have a feeling its going to be a good night, as four people will be going home. I’m surprised at how enthusiastic resident cool girls Crystal, Lilly, and Siobhan are all are to be part of such a shit fest. I am also amused at how Katie Stevens’ idea of dancing is bouncing up and down. There are parts of this number which look and sound like a middle school production of Grease. The “solos” scream Summer Lovin’.

After seeing her jump into camera range ever-so-cheerfully, I really want Didi Benami to go home tonight. She is as about coffeehouse/open-mic night as Kara DioGuardi is — Didi is a poppy princess masquerading in hemp clothing.

(Commercial break: Kris Allen does the cute thing with the car and the leaves, and uh…Barack Obama is going to be on America’s Most Wanted? America’s Most Wanted is still on? Hell. America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on.

Tim Urban…safe (He’s gonna be here awhile. I GOTTA FEELING.)
Michael Lynche…safe. No brainer.
Casey James…safe. Insert requisite Kara-is-a-Cougar joke. Roll eyes. Next.

It’s down to Todrick Hall vs. John Park. Sadly, John Park is on his way home. Even though I am not looking forward to hearing Todrick caterwaul some well-known ditty beyond recognition next week, I wish John Park would have been more fun. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. John, I’ll miss you, though. Even though I hardly knew you. And you sang John Mayer. But its better this way. You’re attending Northwestern University. Screw American Idol. You will probably end up being more financially secure than 95% of your fellow contestants in 5-10 years.

(Psst…Lauren. I’m so sorry John has left the building.)

Lee DeWyze…like this was ever in question.
(I have a feeling it is going to be Jermaine. I think Jermaine knows its gonna be Jermaine.)
Aaron Kelly…safe. Because if you don’t like him, you hate puppies.
Alex Lambert…if he goes home, I will cry. Yay. Alex is safe! I was so hoping he was gonna curse again.

It’s down to Jermaine Sellers and Andrew Garcia. First, we had Todrick (African-American) vs. John (Asian). Now it is Jermaine (African-American) vs. Andrew (Hispanic). So do you all believe me about American Idol being kind of racist now?

And hell, right now, these two look as if they’re on set to be two-line actors on Law & Order. No. That’s not me being racist. That’s just me saying how these two look like an odd pair next to one another. They look like bit players on Law & Order.

Wow. They are really dragging this one out, aren’t they? Naturally, Jermaine is the one sent home. God nor rockin’ those onesies nor repeating I’m a church singer would have saved you. But mention God again. I guess it can’t hurt.

But most of all, everybody oughta go out and get a onesie.

Possibly my favorite exit line from a contestant of all time. I WILL get myself a onesie, Jermaine. With pleasure! I was hoping the footy pajamas may have saved Jermaine this week (for the laughs) and Todrick would have been sent packing instead, but I was wrong. I will, however, predict next week as D-Day for both Todrick…and maybe Tim Urban, the latter of which could easily stick around several more weeks. Based on vocal ability, Aaron Kelly deserves a spot in the Top 12 over Urban, and I’m not sure who else would be in danger next week. Sticking Garcia in the hot seat was obviously a scare tactic.

UH OH HERE WE GO GO GO GO GOKEYOKE TIME

Tonight marks the return of erstwhile, heart-shape-with-his-hands-making Season 8 contestant, Danny Gokey. Oh Gokey. Widower. Hot & Anointed Man of God. Supreme Villain of Season 8. This song you’re singing, this cookie-cutter country number, My Best Days Are Ahead of Me, is like something that would play in the background in between soft rock songs when I was a waitress at Applebee’s during 1997-98. Gokey’s stage presence has come quite a long way since I last saw him on the Idol stage. He is more polished, as is his fashion sense. The song is more boring than dirt. The best part is watching the always-enthusiastic Big Mike dancing to it.

(I often get the feeling Big Mike is like this year’s big brother figure to all the contestants.)

Danny Gokey starts talking a lot. And claims Randy Travis told him to do country because of the soul and passion he puts into his songs. He also says he listened to a lot of country music coming up. Danny Gokey will not stop talking.

The writer of this song lost his wife too! He wrote this song a few months after she passed away.

I know he just got caught up in everything and that’s why he was smiling when he said that, but…I just facepalmed. I facepalmed. Literally. I’m not even just saying it. I fraking facepalmed. I MISS YOU SEASON 8.

Now onto the ladies.

Lilly Scott…obviously SAFE.
Paige Miles…safe. (Until next week.)

(Obviously, its going to be Michelle vs. Didi)

Katie Stevens…the little conniving brat lives another week.

Didi vs. Michelle! I’m so good. Kara tells Michelle she was sharp, because she wants to throw the black girl under the bus and of course, Didi sings her songs and kisses her ass, so obviously, it is Michelle’s time to go.

And it is the end of the road for corporate singer Michelle Delamor (also putting the FEAR into Didi Benami). Can’t say I’m not surprised. So Idol…Lacey Brown is gonna be the only honky we shed tonight, yes? No?

Michelle sounds horrible, but I don’t blame her. She just got kicked to the curb. Meanwhile, the cameras keep going back to SAD SCARED DIDI. Didi totally bugs me. This is now a fact.

Oh Michelle. I am so glad you are done singing. I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I hope all your dreams come true, but I never want to hear you sing Creed ever again. Of course, I don’t really ever need to hear Creed again, either.

Katelyn…BABY QUATTO is safe! And I am very happy to see her father in attendance again. Probably why her mother isn’t in the audience this week.
Crystal…pshaw. Like you were scared. But her friends were awesome! They were doing I’M NOT WORTHY! I’M NOT WORTHY! Love Crystal Bowersox’s cheering section.
Siobhan Magnus…another one who isn’t going anywhere. (And did you hear? The Glamberts are now voting for her since she hit that big-ass note last night.)

Haeley vs. Lacey…this could be a tough one. I am thinking Lacey borrowed one of Haeley’s handmade headbands. She also looks just like one of those Avatars (aka kind of like the U.S. ice dancing girl who won silver in Vancouver).

And Haeley goes home! Can’t say she didn’t kind of deserve it, but I’m sad for VFTW. I am also sad when I see Crystal and Katelyn tearing up. Obviously, we know this one is putting on the crocodile tears for the camera. She’s like Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son! But a girl!

Oh Idol. You guys are so guilty of ethnic cleansing. So guilty. Told you the only people who watch/vote for Idol are honkys. Told you. Not even a Debbie the Stage Manager cameo can make me smile at this point. Ethnic cleansing is horrible. America, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Exit song sucks, BTW. And Haeley…THEY TOOK YOU OVER ANGELA MARTIN? Well, at least it looks like most of the other kiddies liked you. Or they’re just crying because this song is that bad.

Spread the word. Do it.