A yearly “tradition” few people remember from season to season on Idol is Brit Week. Brit Week usually happens around now, the contestants go take photos in front of Union Jacks at the British Consulate, all because they are Nigel Lythgoe’s willing monkeys. OBVIOUSLY Brit Week is NOW because of that little wedding across the pond the media keeps telling us to care about. Do any readers here care about the nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton? (Hey, I love the UK…I just don’t think most people there care, even with all those commerative plates…)

Definite schtuppers Haley and Casey Broflovski seem to spend a lot of time together at these events. Personally, I find the odd friendship between Jacob Lusk and Lauren Alaina rather endearing. Don’t you? I don’t even care for her yet my heart sort of warms when I see those two all buddy-buddy.

Those two. Totally schtupping. And I want that skirt.

I would love to spend at least 15 minutes dissecting the whole Scotty McCreery-with-audience-harem-on-steps setup but results shows are twice as long as they should be. This week, we also have the requisite Idols-drawing-stuff-that-becomes-real Ford commercial set to Our House. On what planet does that rug match the rest of the interior?

Oh Crystal Bowersox. I missed you. How did you lose last season? And is it safe to say you’ll be recording your next album in Nashville? This song has some lyrics I like. I will likely be downloading. Please pardon my pitiful half-concealed narcissism of the past couple of weeks. I’ve really just wanted to be all girly and watch the entire second season of Sex & The City these days.

Q&A Time! If he could duet with anyone living or dead, Casey chooses jazz musician Oscar Peterson. Oh that Casey Broflovski is so underground. So outre. Hey, he is for American Idol. And when have they ever had a serious jazz enthusiast on the show?

Lauren Alaina is asked what the hardest thing is about being on the show. Shockingly, she does not answer reading mean things about me on the interwebs! She says its oh-so tough being away from friends and family. She also uses this time to bring up the tornado that swept through the South last night. I would find this sweet except I find it kind of contrived coming from her, yes yes, I know I’m a cynical bitch.

Most-random thing ever: Scotty McCreery aka Aiken E. Newman worked with his mother at a tanning salon.

Haley Reinhart, good girl! Nice job sucking up to Adam Lambert! After all, you are his FAVORITE. (I also like her necklace. And I still want that skirt!) Poor Haley, she has to go first. And capped troll Jimmy Iovine doesn’t think she has any clue who she is as a artist yet. Jimmy has traded in the leather jacket for a cardigan!

If your arm’s too short to box with god, don’t try. Let it fly.

What the hell does this mean? Steven Tyler…He just…puts words together that rhyme, right?

I love Haley. She’s spunky. And she’s SAFE.

Jimmy Iovine thinks Scotty is too subtle for American Idol. A bit confused. And this poor kid is at the whim of Ryan’s evil twisted whims! Aiken E. Newman is sent back to the sofa to wait a few minutes. He calls up Sunday School Strumpet. Since 3 southern states experienced a terrible tragedy/severe weather last night, wouldn’t they be um, vulnerable? I mean, would you vote for American Idol if a tornado ripped through your town. Granted, my sister went to dye eggs at her mom’s house on Saturday morning after one ripped through their street, but I guess people just deal with things…oddly.

Lauren is sent back to the sofa. Now our Casey Broflovski is brought up. During the performance recap, what I suspected last night has been confirmed — after the flack about the woman who was told she was “too fat” for the front row, Idol has allowed older & heavier ladies at the head of the pack. Well good for them. Seriously! Don’t discriminate against your bread & butter. I’m not even being a jackass when I say such things, dammit.

Those 3 are gonna be tortured during the commercial break. I’m a gonna get the remnants of last night’s turkey sandwich from the fridge.

Jimmy Iovine thinks James Durbin could win this whole thing. And he is safe. Poor Jacob is now called. Jimmy thinks he was dressed for Dancing With The Stars. Sigh…so many DWTS mentions this season. Those other 3 join Lusky Stank on stage. Boo. Lauren is safe…and the Bottom 3 includes Scotty? Come on. Nigel Lythgoe! You and your parlor tricks! Everyone knows Scotty is winning this damn thing.

Bruno Mars brought a living room of stoners with instruments. There’s even a dog (German Shepard?) that was hot-boxxed hanging out. Hey, its a totally ideal setup for something called The Lazy Song. (And the dog is totally hot-boxxed b/c he’s just hanging out with a stuffed monkey.)

JACOB IS SAFE. Even the judges looked kind of shocked. Casey & Scotty? Come on. Boo. Of course Casey is going home. How much do you wanna bet Jacob was really the one in the Bottom 2? There’s no way in hell Aiken E. Newman was there. Oh Casey Broflovski. I’m a gonna miss you. Not as much as Haley Reinhart, obviously, but still! Of course, the camera guy new where to pan…

This is what talent looks like, America! Oh Ry-Ry…And yes, he is talented. And entertaining. He goes around hugging and kissing people in the audience and the judges and…well, he saves the best for last.

Oh American Idol. You’re gonna be a lot less entertaining and romantical next week.

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I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

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Hmmm…so I suppose I should talk about something related to Idol, no? I did see Adam Lambert made a really gay Tweet. Come on, Glamberts, rake me over the coals and call me a homophobe. You won’t take into account all of my gay friends would also call this Tweet really gay, the ones I have been friends with long before you ever discovered Adam Lambert and decided to crusade against the world’s rampant homophobia and bullying through calling people homophobic and bullying them in online comments sections.

I have no idea what Adam Lambert meant when Tweeting the name Barbara Streisand, but the woman is a crucial part of gay pop culture. Guess what? If I describe something as being gay, its not necessarily derogatory. You know who is also fabulously and fantastically gay? CHER. I just love Cher and have since I first saw her. Once my oldest sister played those 45s of Dark Lady and Gypsies Tramps & Thieves for me when I was young, I was HOOKED. Cher and Streisand, they’re gay icons. If you made me choose between Madonna and Cher, Cher would win EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because Cher is real. Cher is a true goddess who walks amongst us Earth. Cher also has an Oscar. (Did you know I have an Oskar and I would never trade him for an Academy Award?) Madonna will never have an Oscar in an acting category. But that Cher, well, Cher can do anything. And I don’t care how many nubile pubescent Brazilian boys Madonna brands with a Kabballah bracelet, Cher did the whole younger man thing first! Oh Bagel Boy Rob Camilletti, where art thou?

One of my big guilty pleasures is After All, Cher’s duet with Peter Cetera from the film Chances Are. That movie is also a guilty pleasure of sorts, and in the process of writing his blog post, I wonder if I’ve long possessed an unrealized appreciation for that trainwreck Ryan O’Neal. He also starred in Irreconcilable Differences. Robert Downey, Jr. was quite adorable in Chances Are. It’s such a fluff film. I’m not quite sure why I enjoy it. I also quite enjoy Doc Hollywood. We all have our little secrets. Oh. And its almost the time of year again when I watch Love Actually. That’s another one. I think that dreckitude with all those famous American actors about Valentine’s Day tried ripping that film off. I saw about an hour of that after arriving home late last night. It was either that or a P90X informercial and I sometimes like to see a little of things just to see if they really as horrible as I assume them to be. And it was, oh it so was. Of course, anything with Julia Roberts makes me want to scream and it seems she was playing an Army captain or something in this one! All of it was just so wrong. I also have no idea why this Bradley Cooper person has been deemed some sort of hearthrob, then again, big blue eyes and blondish hair have never quite done it for me. The only person who did not completely embarrass herself in this shitty ensemble piece was Anne Hathaway. She has a knack for over-the-top accents. Now please, I must stop talking about this hella-dreadful film. I am ashamed for admitting I turned it on at 3am.

Ah yes. This was going to be an Idol Quickies post, wasn’t it? But nothing is really happening in Idol World so I’m at a loss. I’m perusing MJ’s for relevant content because she’s always on top of this stuff. It seems that Phil DeWeezy is gonna perform at halftime during today’s Giants game. But its not like they show the halftime show on national TV when its not the Super Bowl. Sorry Lee DeWyze tards! It’s not gonna happen for him today. And probably not any other day but to quote the great Langston Hughes, hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

David Archuleta is in Singapore. Again, people, I’m grasping at straws here. Grasping at straws.

But you know who is awesome? Jennifer Hudson. She performed on the Tina Fey Tribute–The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and that’s going to be airing on your local PBS station soon. Jennifer Hudson is just wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful, isn’t she? And even my jaded soul can’t help but admire her strength in the face of the horrific tragedies she’s gone through. Like Cher, she also has an Oscar for acting. According to various reports I’ve seen on the Tina Fey special, lots of great people were there and NO ONE mentioned that nitwit Kristen Wiig. I hope they did not allow her in the building. American Humor and Kristen Wiig. One of these things is not like the other.

A star-studded lineup of entertainers including [Lorne] Michaels, Fred Armisen, Steve Carell, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Jennifer Hudson, Jane Krakowski, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Tracy Morgan, Amy Poehler and Betty White were all on hand to pay tribute to Fey, an alum of NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

So Jennifer Hudson maybe got to hang out with Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Tracy Morgan, Betty White and JON HAMM. Jennifer Hudson is living the fraking dream. Just look at that dinner party lineup.

Speaking of SNL, I have not watched last night’s episode yet but I don’t recall Scarlett Johansson being good the first time she hosted. I’m still bitter about how they wasted Jon Hamm two weeks ago. I mean, that takes serious effort. I always enjoy reading Jezebel’s Saturday Night Open Thread to get a gauge on reactions to new shows. You can find me posting on there sometimes, typically expressing my unabashed hatred towards that Kristen Wiig.

This was a nice experiment, wasn’t it? Hey. I tried. Now I will go back to staring at this photo of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and a puppy dog.

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Crystal Bowersox. Poor Crystal Bowersox. Sure, she has a recording contract, recently got married, new teeth, all that good stuff. Why would I PITY this poor girl? Especially when Bowersox’s first single is coming out and…she doesn’t seem all that thrilled about it. So why would I pity her? It’s simple.

Come on, Crystal, keep bitching! PLEASE. Jive really must be the most idiotic major label in the industry, or they really are purgatory for [Idol] artists before they take that bullet train through the Chunnel into obscurity. (What the hell did they do with Allison Iraheta? Releasing that Kris Allen song-that-was-not-meant-to-be-a-duet with that talentless loser from Train? And what happened to that Archuleta kid?)

It’s called Hold On. It was written by [Shrill Harpy/Kristen Wiig of Music] Kara DioGuardi and Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger. (And Bowersox didn’t get the co-write, which I think she is upset about? Hey, be happy you didn’t get a co-write on this little ditty. But its not like Jive is really into letting you write all your own songs, so…)

SERIOUSLY? Yo, Jive, are you like that dude in those Saw movies or something? Is this the recording industry’s version of a reverse bear trap? Why torture the poor girl? Just get it over with and shoot her. Seriously? A debut single taking its name from some terrible Wilson Phillips crap from the 1990s that was written by Kara “Shit-For-Brains” DioGuardi and some idiot from Nickelback?

Here is a demo. It sounds like something originally written for Carrie Underwood. In other words, something I would only enjoy if drunk.

This is the best you got for Crystal Bowersox? She has talent! A song by Kara DioGuardi some douche from scourge of “rock music” Nickelback with the same title as a shit Wilson Phillips song? Yes. That bore repeating. I listened to the demo and well, I’ve heard this song about 341 times before. And I’ve already forgotten it. All I know is that I have that damned Wilson Phillips song in my head now.

BTW. This post is about Crystal Bowersox. Not Kris Allen. I will ban anyone who turns this into some “Kris & Jive” shit. Capisce?

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For the past few weeks or so, it has been on Mix 104.1, which I think is a Top 40-ish or AC station. Not quite sure. All I know is they have some morning show with Karson and Kennedy, because I usually wake up to their schtick. Guy and a girl, not necessarily obnoxious, heavy on the pop culture.

Anyhoo, when doing my usual battle with the snooze button this morning, I was lying there thinking how I should do a quickie post on Crystal Bowersox getting quickly married. At that instant, the radio alarm went off once more and I hear the following question:

The past season of American Idol’s runner-up, Crystal Bowersox, got married over the weekend, but who was the winner?

It seems they do some sort of  5-question challenge with a guest and this Kennedy person, who is at this point, in a sound-proof box or something. Today’s guest is current Massachusetts State Treasurer Tim Cahill.

Oh, crap. My daughters might kill me if I don’t know this. It’s someone named David, right?

($10 says that season was the last time his daughters watched American Idol.)

So Treasurer Cahill goes 4 for 5 and then Kennedy comes out. It seems she is also unable to name the winner of last season’s American Idol. The site actually posted the list of questions for today’s edition of Can’t Beat Kennedy.

Kennedy vs. Tim Cahill

1. Renee Zellweger was briefly married to the singer with the #1 album in the country this week. Name the singer?

2. Angus Jones is the best paid child actor on television; this young star appears with Charlie Sheen in what show?

3. Josh Duhamel featured in the film “Life As We Know It.” Who is his famous wife?

4. What actress played the love interest of Eminem in the hit film “8 Mile?”

5. Former American Idol contestant Crystal Bowersox married her longtime friend. She finished in second place last season, who won that year?

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As you see, TI looks well rested and refreshed.(and hopefully not too pissed off at the current state of this blog!) I’m sure I’ve been far too lenient, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Now, on to Idol news. Last night in Wallingford, CT marked Kris’s last stop on his summer tour. He will return to Arkansas for some well-deserved rest, and also to be inducted into the Arkansas Entertainer’s Hall of Fame on Sept 9th. I’ve seen some displeasure over that, but I’m sure that his selection has everything to do with winning American Idol and nothing to do with the fact that he only has put out one album. I think that merits some recognition. (after all, there have only been 9 winners. If they don’t hurry up and put some butts in the judges’ seats, that number may not increase, either!)
During the brief hiatus, Kris plans to write (with Cale most likely). I’d be curious to know if he’s co-written with any other bandmates. I think that could be interesting.

Michael Lynche is set to sing the National Anthem at his alma mater UCF’s game against N.C. State this coming Saturday. Maybe we will get a Late Night Sandwich? I’m sure all those tailgaters would set Big Mike up. If you’ve ever seen the spreads that get laid out at these games, you know that the potential is incredible! Per today’s news thread at Mj’s, Timmeh! is going to the studio to record an EP. I don’t really care. I just wanted an excuse to post the picture (above).

I looked for David Cook news. I reaally did. He is working on his album. Still. Working. On. His. Album. That’s all I got. I looked for a shot of him with a guitar slung over his shoulder to balance out this post. Three things make for better balance (or something like that). I did find one similar to the previous two. But I opted for a different picture. The more thematic shot was nice except for the unfortunate hair. It was the really weird early S7 hair. Nobody wants to see that.

That does leave me needing a picture of one more guitar-toting dude just for the sake of design.

Even^ better! Gina Orr tweeted yesterday that she is leaving 19E to manage Crystal Bowersox. I’m not sure how to interpret this really. I suppose it’s a good thing, that could give Crystal more control over what she wants.

And finally…to answer the age old question: “Will it play in Peoria?”
The answer is yes.

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“All the seats are open,” Lythgoe told us at yesterday’s BAFTA/LA pre-Emmy Tea Party.

Then, in an interview with Sam Rubin and Jessica Holmes of KTLA, Uhm…Nevermind…

Lythgoe says that one seat on the panel has an occupant, and it’s Randy Jackson. Wait. Was that a confirmation? “I hope so,” he says.

But… what about Kara? and Steven Tyler? What the hell Nigel? The seats are all open? It seems like they’re starting to double up. Errrr…don’t you have a show to cast? I mean, like NOW??

According to sources close to the show, callbacks in front of the season 10 judging panel won’t happen till September at the earliest. -Michael Slezak EW.com

September, huh?

The Season 9 Idol Tour stopped in Crystal Bowersox’s hometown of Toledo, OH last night where she sang her original song “Holy Toledo”, and talked about helping a busker pick up some extra cash.

At the St. Louis stop of the “Idol” tour, Bowersox said, there was a street performer outside the venue who broke down in tears of joy after she sang along with him and helped earn him $1,000 in tips.

She’s good people .

photo credit: seizemusic

Crystal also got some love from our awesome Timmeh, who apparently ripped open his shirt to reveal “I <3 Crystal” written on his chest! I’ve been scouring IDF for pecs pics this morning. (REALLY IDF? No pec pics? sheesh.) In keeping with this theme….

Kris Allen’s tour (as both headliner and opener) will continue throughout the fall with the addition of recent dates. Starting in mid-October, he will be opening for Lifehouse. Currently, Kris has one more date with Maroon5, one headlining show, and three more dates with Keith Urban. He also has great ideas.

Great app idea: GPS tracker for your dog. App name: “Where my dog at?”

Evening Edition……………………………………

Adam Lambert was interviewed today on NPR for a piece about Freddie Mercury.

“He was completely over the top in the best possible way,” says Lambert. “Music, most of the time, is about sexuality, whether you are straight, gay or in between. It’s about love and sex. That’s rock ‘n’ roll.”

Lambert, as an openly gay performer, says he owes a debt to Mercury’s flamboyance decades ago.

“There’s definitely something missing in today’s music scene,” he says. “We don’t have a lot of men on stage doing flamboyant or theatrical. We have a lot of female pop stars doing it, but where are the guys? Where’s the classic pop-rock showman?”

Pop music today lacks the presence of such 70′s icons as Mercury and David Bowie. Lambert definitely did his pre-Idol homework:

“It’s supersexy,” says American Idol star Adam Lambert. He spent hours upon hours listening to Queen, trying to figure out how Mercury did it. And when he auditioned for Idol, he sang Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

Read the entire article here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129476462

Spread the word. Do it.

Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

Spread the word. Do it.

CDBNYC went to Newark for the Idols show. Along for the ride were Kodachrome621 and GloriaGloria. If you haven’t gone to a concert with them before, you really should put this on your bucket list. (I’m one of the lucky ones.)

If you’re wondering why the hell they went to Newark to see the likes of your cousin Phil DeWheezy and Drunk Benami sing songs sung better by other people, its because they took advantage of that LiveNation deal offering up seats for $10 and could see the amusement in getting drunk in Newark for an Idols show.

Why was I at the American Idol Season 9 tour, you ask? Sigh. I guess the time has come to admit it. I’m madly in love with Andrew Garcia. Totally butt-crazy in love with him, you might even say. Yes, I know he’s married and has an adorable little child, but I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re meant to be together. Andrew, I really want to love you forever. You’re not just caught in a hit and run.

…or the tickets were cheap, and I thought it would be amusing to go.

We came to Newark fully armed for the AI tour experience. Our arsenal included three Phil Dweezy pins (we may be ambivalent about Lee DeWyze, but we loooooooove Phil Dweezy), one “I <3 Tim” pin, one “BOW-ER-SOX” pin, one “I’m just here for the music” pin (everyone should buy a $10 pinmaker – seriously awesome investment), and copious amounts of alcohol.  We did not acquire any more pins while at the Prudential Center. We did, however, acquire quite a lot more beer.

We began our evening in the third-to-last row of the arena. It was a looooooong way away. I’m pretty sure Didi performed while we were up there. I couldn’t tell you for sure, though. They might have just been playing the background music from an episode of Gilmore Girls while some blond crew member wandered around.  Andrew Garcia definitely performed. He sang all of “Straight Up” standing way at the back of the stage. Maybe he was afraid to get too close to the audience? I don’t blame him – people are pretty angry about what he did to “Genie In A Bottle.”

They let us move about 10 rows forward at that point. Things were much improved. And they began to look up musically, as well!  Katie Stevens doesn’t have much personality, but at least she has energy and a decent belt. Girl was working HARD to get that audience engaged, and I appreciate that. She will be a valued member of her college drama department and/or a cappella group.

Tim Urban. Oh, Tim Urban. I love you. I was wearing a pin that proclaimed my love for you. But darling? Out of a group of people who can’t really sing, you can’t really sing the most. Your Goo Goo Dolls song was painful. (You should have sung Iris. I hate Iris with a violent passion, but that would at least have been funny. To me.) Viva La Vida was significantly better. But why no slide, Tim? Why no goofiness? And most importantly, WHY THE FLAT IRONING? It turned your luscious 70s teen idol locks into boring emo hipster hair. It robbed you of your powers. It made me sad. Don’t do that again, okay? And give up on the music thing and get a job on a CW show. You’d be perfect for 7th Heaven v.2.

Siobhan needs a band. She’s out there in her goth milkmaid costume, with her eerie intro music and her piercing wails, and there’s no one for her to interact with. She needs more bodies on stage. And they need to not make her sing Spiderwebs. It’s a fun song, but it ain’t a Siobhan song.

High School Student Aaron Kelly? Was awesome. Who knew? He’s totally viable as a country artist. (I say, as someone who doesn’t really listen to country music.) His vocals were strong, his song choices were good (though the Lonestar version of Walking In Memphis lacks the punch of the original), his energy was high, he filled a large arena. Good for you, High School Student Aaron Kelly! Go be Country Bieber, with less annoying hair! Godspeed!

Performers 10-5 sang The Climb. It should have been Party In The USA.

At intermission, the drinking continued. As did the ticket upgrades. A truly awesome friend gave us some extra tickets for the first tier, just above the floor. So much closer! People were actually getting into the show down on this level! Standing up? Eh, not so much. But definitely reacting more audibly. So that was fun.

Mike Lynch’s set was like molasses. Sooooooooooo sloooooooooow. He went down on one knee at some point. Mike, the Prudential Center doesn’t want to marry you. Really. Please don’t propose to us, it’ll just be embarassing for all involved. Oh, and never rap again, okay? Glad we sorted that out.  Casey’s set (with the exception of that damn Don Juan De Marco song, which we’ll lump in with Mike’s set as the same critiques apply) was fun. That boy can certainly play guitar. Vocals were pretty good, too, although he’s still majorly lacking in stage presence. Again, song choice. Important. And well done. Good luck with southern rock, Casey – it suits you.

Crystal Bowersox should have been at Lilith Fair. But I’m glad she was here. Because there’s no way I’m going to Lilith Fair (just can’t deal with that many female singers at once - I’m trying to conquer my musical misogyny, really I am), and I was very very happy to see Crystal live. She’s great. She just tears into her songs with energy and passion and skill, and brings the audience along with her. I haven’t wailed “What’s Up” that loudly since 8th grade.

And then there was Lee. The audience loved Lee. There were more puffy paint shirts for him than for anyone else. There were women of all ages carrying his photo around. He’s clearly the heartthrob of the season. (But…Tim!)  To be fair, Lee stayed pretty much on key throughout, which is far more than he managed on 90% of his AI performances. But his arrangements are odd (he made Beautiful Day sound like Free Fallin’, and turned Hallelujah into a headbanger), his vocals make almost everything sound like Creed (you know what the world needs? More Creed!), and he sang Use Somebody. So, no. I’m sorry, Lee. But you are not for me.

Then they all sang It’s My Life/My Life Would Suck Without You. A beautiful medley built around the theme “Songs Performed On Glee.” Honestly, after watching them perform this on Good Morning America, I devoted a full hour of my life to memorizing the lyrics to My Life Would Suck Without You, so I could sing along loudly enough to drown out the actual singers. This proved not to be strictly necessary – they sounded totally okay. But I learned those Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and I used them, damn it.

We stopped briefly at the barricades on our way out. There were a lot of people there. I’m not sure why, but I choose to believe that the draw was Jim Cantiello, who was interviewing fans. I mean, those people weren’t really there for Didi Benami, were they?

All in all, it was a good time. Due, for the most part, to the company and the alcohol, rather than the singers, but hey, whatever. And I seem to have developed a taste for the ridiculous (provided it comes at a low price). I’m totally seeing if I can score cheap tickets to the NYC stop of the Ruben/Clay tour.

I’ve heard they do a medley where Ruben sings Tik Tok and Clay sings Baby Got Back. How can I miss that?

Spread the word. Do it.

(Bet those manning the cameras had to squeeze in closer than usual.)

For some reason, TBTB thought it would be really funny to have them sing a song with the word suck in the title. And hey, since mashups are tres cool these days, why NOT make one of Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life and Kelly Clarkson’s My Life Would Suck Without You.

The anchors can’t remember Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami, but hey, I forgot the latter existed, too. The only person who looks happy to be there is Michael Lynche, then again, he would be happy if you let him sing at a supermarket opening. Even Teflon Timmy Urban has lost his smile. Innocent puppy dog Aaron Kelly won’t even sing into the mic.

Did all of these people drive over someone’s pet puppy (granted, Lee DeWyze may have done this at some point in his life, but if I’ve learned anything on Law & Order: SVU, its that juvenile records are sealed)? I almost feel sorry for them. Ok, well maybe not. I mean, at least not for Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. I do feel the most pain for Crystal Bowersox and Casey James, though, you know they wish they never left the dive bars where they had weekly residencies. Its just not worth it when you’re subjected to such nationally-televised humiliation.

Spread the word. Do it.