Hell, even give me Kris Allen embracing his parents with the words Momma, don’t cry and I’m a bit nostalgic for Idol days of yore when people tried making songs their own and those figureheads at the judges table actually offered legitimate words of criticism. Do you think I really enjoy watching this crap? Why is it so difficult to give me someone that might know their industry shit and have a slight substance abuse issue (doesn’t everyone?) causing them to say what they’re actually thinking rather than gamely offering up smiley one liners and delusional bullshit about selling out stadiums?

Just get this crap over with. I don’t care how many bimbettes wearing Seacrest Is My Homeboy tank tops I have to see. JUST GET THIS CRAP OVER WITH.

Listen. This is how its gonna be. Finale. James Durbin vs. Scotty McCreery. It is your duty to send home Sunday School Strumpet Lauren Alaina tomorrow night. I don’t give a flying frak how she sings. DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE IS WEARING? Anyone under 19 who’s had their photo prominently featured on People of WalMart wouldn’t be caught dead at a dogfight in that mullet dropcloth lined in leopard print. Even I am at a loss for words right now and that idiot hasn’t even opened her mouth. I’m even on some positive thinking don’t be a hater kick and you know what? IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BITE MY TONGUE.

James Durbin
Don’t Stop Believin’

Listen you delusional fraknut. You are not gonna sell out stadiums. This is the last time in your life, with the exception of a handful of over-zealous menopausal fans, that anyone will ever buy you tacky costume jewelry from some Melrose Ave. boutique. You are singing the most over-played song in the history of MUSIC. You’ve already lost like, 50 points with me.

But let’s talk about how you are completely OUT OF TUNE. I used to enjoy calling you Adam Lambert 2.0 because well, you displayed obvious similarities in tone and inflection. Even appearances. But come the frak on. Adam Lambert would never have song THAT fraking song or sang THAT out of key.

Screw this crap. I was just informed Jon Hamm was appearing on Conan. I don’t even care if this scene includes him being a douchebag in a Porche asking KRISTEN WIIG to give him road head. That’s how terrible James Durbin was tonight. THAT TERRIBLE. I would rather picture Kristen Wiig going down on Jon Hamm than watch this nonsense. (Sadly…I actually want to see this Bridesmaids movie. I blame 34th birthday, some life transitions, etc etc. Come on. There needs to be some viable explanation for my lapse in judgment. A romcom about a wedding involving Kristen Wiig?

Screw the judges. I have no idea what pills they’re on or what the hell they’re hearing. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU WERE IN JOURNEY MR. RANDY DAWG JACKSON. Where the hell is Steven Perry right now? Do you know how many fraking times the entire international public has been forced to listen to this damn song over the past 5 years? Sure, sure. He probably makes a pretty fraking penny every time its played in some shit bar or on some shit TV show. But do you see the guy claiming it? He just wishes people were covering Oh Sherry SHOULD’VE BEEN GONE half as many times.

Haley Reinhart
What About Us / I mean Earth Song

Dear Haley. I don’t give a rat’s ass what you sing. This Michael Jackson song is terrible. I do not doubt you got stuck with it during some Jimmy Iovine — Nigel Lythgoe stickoff. I feel bad you’re singing in the YOU ARE DEAD spots this evening. GROWL. GROWL WOMAN. I love you. I simply adore you. And not just because I know I need to buy vinyl leggings before they are totally over. I love you. Growl. Rock on. Growl and rock on with your bad self. You’re my little engine that could.

So Haley has to THINK ABOUT HER SONG CHOICE when James Durbin is gonna come out before her and warble some shit bar ditty? YOU GIVE THEM BITCH STARE. GIVE THEM BITCH STARE.YOU KNOW THEY ARE UP TO NO GOOD. YOU KNOW THEY ARE USELESS IDIOTS WHO ONLY SHOW UP BECAUSE OF THE RIDICULOUS PAYCHECK. YOU STARE THEM DOWN LIKE YOU SHOULD MY SWEET HALEY REINHART.

I am so done with this shit. The judges decide to criticize. YOU DESERVE TO BE A BITCH HALEY. BE A BITCH. FIGHT THEM. You were the only person in this competition to actually schtup a legit musician, so who cares if he was booted? You guys can schtup on the tour bus all summer long.  And thank you Mr. Medicated Steven Tyler. I am all for on whatever it is you’re on right now because for chrissake, I agree. Don’t even call her baby you one-sided denim twat. GIGLI. GIGLI. You can’t criticize anyone. YOU WERE IN GIGLI.

Scotty McCreery
Where Were You When The World Stop Turning

For frak’s sake. Stop calling everyone named Scott SCOTTY THE BODY, Ryan Seacrest. Really have no reason to even wonder if Aiken E. Newman is gonna be here next week. He’s from North Carolina and he’s singing an Alan Jackson song about 9/11 as he feels a connection to because he’s an AMERICAN. Also. Not sure if you heard. That bearded frak named Osama Bin Laden is dead because some Navy SEALs (Not actually Michael Biehn or Charlie Sheen) showed up when he was watching Family Guy and shot shit up. Think I also heard Jesus mentioned and he’s playing a guitar.

Ponder this: How much of 9/11 does this kid even remember? He was 6. Weird to think about, no?

Lauren Alaina
Anyway

I’m not sure how much more I can watch of this crap, given it is 2am and I just can’t handle this nonsense. Plus this dumb teen twit is wearing a dropcloth mullet lined with leopard print. No wonder they’re playing an It Gets Better commercial right now. Granted, this ad did kind of almost bring me to tears and I’m sort of a Firefox loyalist. Right now, I need to believe that It Gets Better and I’m not even a gay teen. I’m just a 34-year-old woman living alone with a cat trapped in the body & mind of a 24-year-old woman living alone with a cat. Because this show is gonna come back after the commercial, and hell, even when it comes back Idol is still trying to convince us whatever they think it is, it gets better. That’s why they’re showing these dudes who actually provided legitimate entertainment.

Lauren Alaina likes the literal version of songs and they had these, like, tornadoes in Georgia and this song mentions God and stuff. What the hell evs. Like you’ll do it anyway. You’re talking about wearing some shit mullet dropcloth dress lined with leopard print.

And please. How many times has this song been done on American Idol? Don’t act like its a damned revelation.

And for frak’s sake. What does the audience shot tell us? Lauren Alaina only knows women who have two-toned stripper hair. We may seem tough at times…OH REALLY JLO. OH REALLY. I can’t believe I’m watching this crap. I’m gonna have to turn it off. But before I do, can someone tell La Lopez you’re not supposed to wear one-sided ruffled denim frocks after 40?

So the thought of Lady Gaga taking time off from her Silicon Valley raiding to mentor the Top 4 Idol contestants could sort of fill me with mirth…I so wanted to hate Gaga for so long, but I just gave up. I like her voice. I like her music. I’m even okay with the fact Gaga says she just wants to be these peoples’ friend.

Haley Reinhart
I Who Have Nothing

Gaga wants Haley to go psycho. Give them a little Edith Piaf. GIVE IT TO THEM HALEY. Give her the damned orchestra. YOU SING IT LADY. It is official. Haley Reinhart is now one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants.

The judges naturally try to confuse her, throw her under 1000 buses, et al. Don’t care. Haley Reinhart will always be my American Idol.

Scotty McCreery
Young Blood

So Gaga makes Scotty uncomfortable because she finds him amusing? Oh I see. She tells him to stop singing out of the side of his face and into the center of that HOT DOG. That’s your girlfriend and she says to you if you don’t stick your tongue down my throat we’re through..this is the best part of the night. Not sure if I found him uncomfortable, per se. After all, he has a Puerto Rican grandma and seems to like gay people and stuff. I can’t recall why I assume that last part, nor do I have the energy to check past blog entries to figure out why I have such an assumption about the checkout boy pride of Garner, North Carolina. But Aiken E. Newman, he’s IN IT TO WIN IT. Why? He sang some 9/11 song and then joked with good-nature about wanting to kiss his cross after talking to Gaga. This kid is shrewd and frankly, gotta give him props for it. Its not as if he’s not gonna be in the finale, but hey, he’s a smart enough kid and he’s learned how to play the game. Good for him. He’s gonna get a contract in Nashville regardless of what happens on this shit show.

Lauren Alaina
Trouble

Do you really think dressing like a hot & bothered 43-year-old divorcee cruising happy hour at the nearest Houlihan’s is appealing? At the end of the day, being evil isn’t such a big deal, is it? And if this idiot kid can’t see that she’s um, actually EVIL…

SEND HER HOME. She’s dressed like Crystal Carrington for chrissake and Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter is no where in sight to kick her lame ass. (My parents allowed me to watch Dallas and Dynasty with them every week. Sometimes I wonder if I need to work some of this out with a therapist.)

Subpar. Every week, the only thing worse than this twit is her outfit. And she certainly knows how to play the game almost as well as Scotty McCreery but Scotty would NEVER wear a leopard-print-lined mullet dropcloth.

James Durbin
Love Potion #9

Good for you, Gaga. This kid is an idiot. Move his hips. Maybe you idiots should take advice from Lady Gaga. She’s actually been the most fabulous mentor I’ve seen on this show since Harry Connick, Jr. And hell, Lady Gaga doesn’t have to do American Idol. She’s above this crap. She doesn’t have to go on Idol.

This is complete crap. He tries making it hard rock or something. Its BORING. Screech a bit more, buddy. Lest I also remind you: You will never sell out stadiums so stop acting like you’re singing to a sold-out one. Just trying to be realistic here, ya know? Not being an asshat. Just realistic. Also…why can’t anyone ever sing (In The Year) 2929 on this show? That’s like, the greatest random 1960s song EVER.

Ponder this — If that was having a moment, then what do you call it when you’re sitting over a white pot and ridding your body of brown waste?

(YES. Photos will come tomorrow morning when I upload them. Its 3am and I just sat through this crap UNWILLINGLY. Cut me some slack so I can go cuddle with that furry orange bastard named Oskar.)

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I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

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I love Part 4. WTF is wrong with Andrew Garcia? Oh Big Mike, don’t humor him. Sloppy Joes and Tater tots! Are they eating in a Middle School Cafeteria? (maybe it’s a good thing the tour’s over)

siobhan and adam lambert need to have a baby

No, Twitter person. Why did you have to say that? Now someone will make a creepy Siobadam baby on Make Me Babies.

Forget Siobadam, it’s Siogaga!:

OH god she broke something in her mouth 2 make it look like she had blood in mouth! [via Twitter]

Ruh roh. No action at the buses tonight, There may be blood.

This is a bunch of shit cuz the venue isn’t stoppin them frm comin out.they r sayin the idols don’t want 2!

they didn’t come out at all =( and the security was rude.

Fuck u! U piece of shit! 4 ur info I’m only tryin 2 GET a present 2 Casey frm London

Worst American Idol experience of my life!

Apparently, there were no hijinks ala the Season 8 Tour Finale. Tears flowed from Lee and Crystal towards the end, but there were no goldfishes in the drinking water, roses in the teeth, or people lying on pianos. Oh well, maybe I’m just sad that there will be no more Late Night Sandwich.

picture: Bampondy via Twitter

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Tonight, Big Mike, Casey James, Andrew Garcia, and several band members went to a St. Louis eatery for a whole lotta FOOD. For the life of me, I am trying to figure out where they are dining. They’re in ST. LOUIS. I should know these things.

Big Mike, where is the TOASTED RAVIOLI? Fried macaroni & cheese? Quesadillas? Fried mushrooms? All of this but no toasted ravioli? Where is the sandwich? Ah yes…these are just the appetizers. Oh. And if you want a REAL sandwich, you best get your asses over to Lion’s Choice. Order it extra beef & extra rare on wheat. I get two of them, so you should probably order 4 or 5. They’re just so damn good. I could probably put down 3 or 4 in one sitting, come to think about it. But I really, really, really love me some Lion’s Choice.

Casey may have to go to Nashville after the tour, and I’m sure Andrew and Big Mike want to see their offspring, but all of that should not take very long. They should really just keep going with this Late Night Sandwich business. Come on…late night sandwich shops are very important and the public needs to be informed. Or maybe the three of them can travel around the country in a food truck. YES! Food trucks are very trendy right now. This could be their ticket to an entirely new audience.

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Season 9′s beloved Goatboy Casey James has signed a deal with Sony Nashville, as first confirmed via James on Twitter yesterday afternoon. Congratulations, Casey James! You know who else is happy for you? BIG MIKE LYNCHE! And you know what that means? SANDWICH TIME! And damn, do these Italian subs look YUMMY. You can also hear some yahoo in the background asking them if they were on American Idol because he only watched it once with his sister. Hee hee. I have not watched one performance video from this year’s tour — performance videos bore me to tears in almost any scenario — but Late Night Sandwich might be the best thing to come out of the entire season.

Remember Asia’h Epperson? (Bonus points if you could spell her name without looking, too.) Asia’h was on season 7 of American Idol and did not make it very far, but hey, that does not mean one can’t go to Hollywood without a golden ticket, right? Asia’h and another individual beat up someone at Colony (a nightclub, nothing to do with ants, puritans, or Western culture’s tradition of going into a bunch of places without white people and proclaiming This land is mine!) last night. The person who got their ass kicked made a citizen’s arrest. Bucket list, people. CITIZEN’S ARREST. TMZ reported the story, which really just sounds like the semi-finals / first episode of America’s Next Top Model. Bonus points if Asia’h spilled beer in the victim’s weave.

EW reports No final decisions regarding American Idol’s next panel of judges have been made. Blah blah blah. I DO NOT CARE. Do you care? I DO NOT CARE. This is a pathetic attempt to keep people talking about the show. Once again Idol, you bring to mind the old adage about a dead horse and hand-to-hand combat.

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Chik-fil-a continues its quest for worldwide dominance through American Idol. Season 7′s Michael Johns is now Tweeting about chiky-chik-chik goodness. (Me? I don’t recall ever having a life-changing meal at this place, but I’ve never been on American Idol. Maybe I’ll hit the West County Center food court the next time I’m in the Lou, let all of you know what I think.) Side note — I do kind of feel sorry for Michael Johns, as he is forced to use an underscore in his Twitter account because some teabagger from Jersey shares the same name.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS OUT. It seems Jenny from the Block / J. Lo. / One of the lamest narcissist bitches you will be lucky to never meet was just was too demanding and Idol judges shit-canned her ass before she even signed on the dotted line. Perhaps UMG knows she can’t sell albums? Perhaps no one wants a closet Scientologist at the judges’ table? Perhaps the bitch just wanted too damn much, because all she ever does is want want want. J. Lo, you peaked with Out of Sight and when you wore that sheer Versace robe with the merkin-of-bling, even though my mom has a Dillard’s private label plus-sized muumuu that’s really not dissimilar.

Of course, perhaps Kara DioGuardi threatened to kill herself if she could no longer be on Idol or something. Wait. I should not be referencing suicide — although Fantasia is out of the hospital. But Shit-For-Brains must be pissed since she has her Republican politician Daddy complaining about it on TV. The producer’s haven’t called her! Doesn’t that mean you’re out of work? Why is your Dad talking about this on a political-centric show? Jesus Christ. Sen. Scott Brown’s daughter was on American Idol and you don’t hear him talking about it, granted Ayla Brown was on the show about 5 years ago and she wasn’t a judge or anything. I think I just wanted an excuse to post THIS:

WAIT! These GossipCop people claim J. Lo is still in the running to judge everyone’s not-favorite shit show. I bet she’s paying them with Dianetics and Glow to say such things.

Poor, sweet Casey James…if he’s gonna help the little people out, it better be some nice midgets…

Big Mike Lynche better make Casey a good sandwich tonight. They’ve been eating GOOD lately. Then again, Big Mike hasn’t missed a meal since he was a zygote. They’re even eating sandwiches in daylight now! In the desert! Big Mike, I never thought I would call myself a fan but dude, you need your own Food Network show or deli or something. Maybe you could tag team 2-foot bacon cheeseburgers with the Man vs. Food guy or something, I dunno, but you if you’re not totally set on pursuing this singing stuff, the world is your buffet table. Take all the plates you want.

CLUBEN happened tonight. In NYC. In the ladies’ room of the Hammerstein Ballroom. Yeah…THIS is how you close a show, dammit!

Isn’t this guy a newlywed? Does he ever spend time with his wife? Jason Castro, all you do is eat and sleep in food courts and airports. And in between, you likely play your guitar and take bong hits, maybe watch some baseball. It’s cool, Castro, it’s cool. I had no idea Kumar’s woman had a sister! Score!

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Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

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This has nothing to do with American Idol. I just love Joshua Jackson. PACEY CON!

Nigel Lythgoe might be returning as Idol’s executive producer! Who was that idiot who took his place? Something Warwick? Produced pageants and the ilk? Anyway, say what you will about Lythgoe, who may or may not be a prick (homophobic or otherwise), Idol was kind of more entertaining with him on it. Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to save the show, sans begging Simon & Paula to come back or voiding the contracts of Kara DioGuardi and (sorry, Ellen!) Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, even though Randy Jackson is as useless as tits on a bull, he’s kind of…nostalgic at this point in Idol’s sad existence.

Speaking of Idol’s sad existence, the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken tour (Cluben!) has begun. This should be a warning to any little boy who wants to try out for American Idol. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU? Sadly, the video has been removed before I was able to watch it. If someone gets me a copy, I will provide full face-palming commentary.

UPDATED! (Thank you Jim! And H20Convo!) WHY IS THE FIRST THING I SEE…CLAY AIKEN GRABBING HIS CROTCH?

I would still actually see this man if he performed in a bar down the street because I know the show would actually be fun.

Meanwhile, on the current American Idol tour, Michael Lynche, Casey James, and Andrew Garcia continue to stuff sandwiches down their throats late at night. This time, Lee DeWyze makes a guest appearance. And what were the sandwiches they so enjoyed on July 24th? CHIK-FIL-A.

The Huffington Post’s Melody Breyer-Grell wrote that Adam Lambert is having an identity crisis, even though 85% of the article humped his leg effusively. (Breyer-Grell is mostly spot on in her assessment of Lambert’s career, and she is clearly someone who truly admires his talent. The article was HONEST.) Naturally, 85% is not good enough for the most ardent of Lambert fans. Uh oh…Did somebody say CHIK-FIL-A?

I find the need to mention Adam’s sexuality in an article about his talent offensive. I have done my Adam Lambert research, in fact I have written a book and many articles about Mr. Lambert. Adam does not suffer from an identity crisis. What you are looking for is simplicity in a complex person. Adam may be the boy next door in an interview, but he is the sexually provocative, thrusting, grinding, and testosterone laden Alpha male on stage. He is multifaceted and is always true to himself. There is absolutely nothing about Adam Lambert that is not genuine. The fans at his sold out tour venues will not agree with your assessment of his authenticity. Lambert is a man driven by his desire to make an artistic statement. Adam’s artistry encompasses his style, staging, and his ability to enrich every lyric with emotion. He is arguably the most gifted vocalist of his generation and a capable dancer. Why should any great artist limit their means of expressing themselves other than by the boundaries of their capability? Adam should sing whatever he wants to sing and I will go to his concerts and buy his album.

Kris Allen was in San Diego. He sang some songs during two sold-out shows at Anthology. Here is a video of Falling Slowly so you people get off the previous Idol Quickies thread. (Courtesy of SnapCracklyPop)

David Cook had breakfast with his father and brother yesterday. If you too, had breakfast on Sunday, you are likely destined to marry David Cook.

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CDBNYC went to Newark for the Idols show. Along for the ride were Kodachrome621 and GloriaGloria. If you haven’t gone to a concert with them before, you really should put this on your bucket list. (I’m one of the lucky ones.)

If you’re wondering why the hell they went to Newark to see the likes of your cousin Phil DeWheezy and Drunk Benami sing songs sung better by other people, its because they took advantage of that LiveNation deal offering up seats for $10 and could see the amusement in getting drunk in Newark for an Idols show.

Why was I at the American Idol Season 9 tour, you ask? Sigh. I guess the time has come to admit it. I’m madly in love with Andrew Garcia. Totally butt-crazy in love with him, you might even say. Yes, I know he’s married and has an adorable little child, but I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re meant to be together. Andrew, I really want to love you forever. You’re not just caught in a hit and run.

…or the tickets were cheap, and I thought it would be amusing to go.

We came to Newark fully armed for the AI tour experience. Our arsenal included three Phil Dweezy pins (we may be ambivalent about Lee DeWyze, but we loooooooove Phil Dweezy), one “I <3 Tim” pin, one “BOW-ER-SOX” pin, one “I’m just here for the music” pin (everyone should buy a $10 pinmaker – seriously awesome investment), and copious amounts of alcohol.  We did not acquire any more pins while at the Prudential Center. We did, however, acquire quite a lot more beer.

We began our evening in the third-to-last row of the arena. It was a looooooong way away. I’m pretty sure Didi performed while we were up there. I couldn’t tell you for sure, though. They might have just been playing the background music from an episode of Gilmore Girls while some blond crew member wandered around.  Andrew Garcia definitely performed. He sang all of “Straight Up” standing way at the back of the stage. Maybe he was afraid to get too close to the audience? I don’t blame him – people are pretty angry about what he did to “Genie In A Bottle.”

They let us move about 10 rows forward at that point. Things were much improved. And they began to look up musically, as well!  Katie Stevens doesn’t have much personality, but at least she has energy and a decent belt. Girl was working HARD to get that audience engaged, and I appreciate that. She will be a valued member of her college drama department and/or a cappella group.

Tim Urban. Oh, Tim Urban. I love you. I was wearing a pin that proclaimed my love for you. But darling? Out of a group of people who can’t really sing, you can’t really sing the most. Your Goo Goo Dolls song was painful. (You should have sung Iris. I hate Iris with a violent passion, but that would at least have been funny. To me.) Viva La Vida was significantly better. But why no slide, Tim? Why no goofiness? And most importantly, WHY THE FLAT IRONING? It turned your luscious 70s teen idol locks into boring emo hipster hair. It robbed you of your powers. It made me sad. Don’t do that again, okay? And give up on the music thing and get a job on a CW show. You’d be perfect for 7th Heaven v.2.

Siobhan needs a band. She’s out there in her goth milkmaid costume, with her eerie intro music and her piercing wails, and there’s no one for her to interact with. She needs more bodies on stage. And they need to not make her sing Spiderwebs. It’s a fun song, but it ain’t a Siobhan song.

High School Student Aaron Kelly? Was awesome. Who knew? He’s totally viable as a country artist. (I say, as someone who doesn’t really listen to country music.) His vocals were strong, his song choices were good (though the Lonestar version of Walking In Memphis lacks the punch of the original), his energy was high, he filled a large arena. Good for you, High School Student Aaron Kelly! Go be Country Bieber, with less annoying hair! Godspeed!

Performers 10-5 sang The Climb. It should have been Party In The USA.

At intermission, the drinking continued. As did the ticket upgrades. A truly awesome friend gave us some extra tickets for the first tier, just above the floor. So much closer! People were actually getting into the show down on this level! Standing up? Eh, not so much. But definitely reacting more audibly. So that was fun.

Mike Lynch’s set was like molasses. Sooooooooooo sloooooooooow. He went down on one knee at some point. Mike, the Prudential Center doesn’t want to marry you. Really. Please don’t propose to us, it’ll just be embarassing for all involved. Oh, and never rap again, okay? Glad we sorted that out.  Casey’s set (with the exception of that damn Don Juan De Marco song, which we’ll lump in with Mike’s set as the same critiques apply) was fun. That boy can certainly play guitar. Vocals were pretty good, too, although he’s still majorly lacking in stage presence. Again, song choice. Important. And well done. Good luck with southern rock, Casey – it suits you.

Crystal Bowersox should have been at Lilith Fair. But I’m glad she was here. Because there’s no way I’m going to Lilith Fair (just can’t deal with that many female singers at once - I’m trying to conquer my musical misogyny, really I am), and I was very very happy to see Crystal live. She’s great. She just tears into her songs with energy and passion and skill, and brings the audience along with her. I haven’t wailed “What’s Up” that loudly since 8th grade.

And then there was Lee. The audience loved Lee. There were more puffy paint shirts for him than for anyone else. There were women of all ages carrying his photo around. He’s clearly the heartthrob of the season. (But…Tim!)  To be fair, Lee stayed pretty much on key throughout, which is far more than he managed on 90% of his AI performances. But his arrangements are odd (he made Beautiful Day sound like Free Fallin’, and turned Hallelujah into a headbanger), his vocals make almost everything sound like Creed (you know what the world needs? More Creed!), and he sang Use Somebody. So, no. I’m sorry, Lee. But you are not for me.

Then they all sang It’s My Life/My Life Would Suck Without You. A beautiful medley built around the theme “Songs Performed On Glee.” Honestly, after watching them perform this on Good Morning America, I devoted a full hour of my life to memorizing the lyrics to My Life Would Suck Without You, so I could sing along loudly enough to drown out the actual singers. This proved not to be strictly necessary – they sounded totally okay. But I learned those Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and I used them, damn it.

We stopped briefly at the barricades on our way out. There were a lot of people there. I’m not sure why, but I choose to believe that the draw was Jim Cantiello, who was interviewing fans. I mean, those people weren’t really there for Didi Benami, were they?

All in all, it was a good time. Due, for the most part, to the company and the alcohol, rather than the singers, but hey, whatever. And I seem to have developed a taste for the ridiculous (provided it comes at a low price). I’m totally seeing if I can score cheap tickets to the NYC stop of the Ruben/Clay tour.

I’ve heard they do a medley where Ruben sings Tik Tok and Clay sings Baby Got Back. How can I miss that?

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But he did not want to disappoint! ROUND 2! Bologna, pastrami, black pepper and LOVE.

I do worry about Big Mike’s caloric intake. He’s a big dude. He might need to be careful.

American Idol wants us to believe 20,000 people are auditioning in Nashville this weekend. Nashville, being the music capital of the American South, well, this will likely be their most hit-up stop, but…20,000 people still want to be on this show?

Former Idol contestant Alex Lambert and current If I Had a Dream resident went to the Playboy Mansion. And he’s gonna write with Cisco Adler, who is best known for dating Mischa Barton AND hanging out with infamous America’s Next Top Model finalist, Lisa. Now what I don’t get is…I thought these people were forced to move out when they got jobs. And they seem to be getting a lot of jobs, even that terribly untalented Justin Gaston person. So why are they still in the house?

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