But more than anything, it pretty much solidified what most of us have believed since that big-haired, bad-dressing, soon-to-be-GED-earning nitwit from Chattanooga when a big audience is necessary, small-town Georgia when there are leveled-by-tornadoes towns to exploit–she is the chosen one. She is the one Nigel & Co. want to win this whole damn thing.

Scotty McCreery is going to do just fine whether he is 1 or 2, but the producers hilariously believe Lauren Alaina can be the next Carrie Underwood, but with Taylor Swift youth. If she comes in second, that sort of success isn’t guaranteed. Of course, what are the chances of getting Farmbot 2.0 or another Kelly Clarkson on a show that’s gone at least 2 years past its expiration date? But they’ve set her up nicely, no? Faux-drama about maybe not being able to sing…coronation song about MOMMA.

Speaking of MOMMA. Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if Sunday School Strumpet really could not sing? It would have been awesome not just because Haley Reinhart would have been where she rightfully belongs, but because they likely would have been a big scene when Lauren’s momma Kristi Suddeth would have taken the stage a la Joan Crawford, but looking even more ridiculous. It reminds me of when Blanche entered her granddaughter in the beauty pageant and ended up doing the talent routine on The Golden Girls. But not really. Because Blanche was AWESOME. And in the end, she realized forcing her granddaughter into pageants was a piss-poor idea. Mrs. Suddeth would NEVER realize turning her only daughter into a not-too-bright karaoke singer with a wardrobe meant for bored suburban white women cruising dueling piano bars was a piss-poor idea. NEVER. Bet she used to like singing. Maybe did it in high school. Then she got pregnant and all those dreams? Gone gone gone. So why not make a Mini Me and live vicariously through her frosted hair and drag queen garage sale outfits?

Oh, the lengths I will go to not start the DVR. Opining. Digressing. May as well just get this dog & pony show over with. Perhaps I’m a sucker for excruciating situations.

Idol is really pushing both Carrie Underwood and David Cook tonight. And in childhood home movies of tonight’s two finalists, we discover Lauren Alaina has been dressed like a delusional divorcee since age 3. Speaking of David Cook…remember that one? Now that was a proper finale.

The Boy Next Door vs. The Southern Belle. No, Ryan. You’ve got it all wrong. But I suppose The Boy-Next-Door vs. The Borderline-Illiterate Mean Girl Who Preaches Jesus But Gives Handies In Exchange for Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill isn’t all that catchy and might not be entirely appropriate for family TV.

Really? Bringing out a doctor in black scrubs to explain “what happened.” Come on. That’s the really-trying-to-make-it nebbishly-Jewish character actor who was the third choice for Taub on House. He might also be on one of those new Target ads playing a pharmacist next to some “clever” copy about nostrils or something. Lauren Alaina’s talking voice seems A-OK to me. How do we blow out her other vocal chords? She’s like that monster in the movie that you just can’t kill and then goes out to the sea or back to space and comes back for the sequel, isn’t she? The only saving grace of this show is that FINALLY, it is only one fraking hour.

In completely unrelated new, I just discovered the best store-bought salsa (Marshall’s Fenway Farmstand is awesome). I might finish the whole damn jar. Its called Vizcaya Bean & Corn (Cuban Salsa, Medium) and its so damn good. SHAMELESS PLUGS PEOPLE. KILLING TIME WITH SHAMELESS PLUGS.

Round 1 — Favorite Song of the Season

Scotty McCreery
Gone

If you have already forgotten, nice guy Scotty flipped the coin to perform last but pulled the whole gentleman thing and asked Lauren what she wanted. Selfish twat said she wanted to go second. Yeah. I know. It might be wrong to hate a teenager but I hate that kid. There’s just something about her I don’t like.

Scotty, on the other hand, I like the kid. He seems like such a nice young man. And while he’s sang country (maybe a bit of rockabilly when the theme called for oldies) every single episode, you can see how far he’s come in terms of stage presence. He’s comfortable up there and its apparent he’s having fun. It’s not life or death for Aiken E. Newman. You know this kid is going to be fine win or lose. Maybe he’ll even play some more baseball with his friends, graduate with them, all that good stuff.

Funny. The judges do not critique after he performs. I guess they save it for the end of the round. The judges should be quiet more often. After all, when have they really had anything worthwhile to say? There’s that old adage if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all but I don’t think that counts when you’ve been hired to offer up your many years of industry expertise & experience and critique wannabe singers. But then being in this position also allows you to collect a fat paycheck for reading producer-written notes and telling everyone they’re just wonderful and then giving the handful of remaining fans / people who have nothing better to watch the most boring finale in Idol history. Hell, even last season, which was pretty much downright terrible, I still looked forward to seeing Crystal Bowersox being awesome in the finale. Hell, it was even mildly entertaining to watch your cousin Phil DeWheezy butcher songs about being a paint salesman. I mean a boxer. Anyway…

Lauren Alaina
Flat on The Floor

No better way to kiss ass than to sing a Carrie Underwood song. The outfit. That hair. That makeup. Jesus. I have said time and time again Lauren Alaina is not fat. She does not, however, know how the hell to dress for her age or body type. This evening, she does, in fact, resemble Miss Piggy. I can’t even feel like a bitch for saying it. She’s the one vacuum-packed into black spandex and silver reptile print. HONEY. You are 16. Dress like a 16-year-old. You wanna look like your momma? Well I’ll let you in on a little secret. She looks like shit for being in her mid-to-late 30s. That Aiken E. Newman is out there wearing jeans and a t-shirt and you’ve got more paint on than the store that guy who won last year is gonna start working at after his little tour finishes.

She also totally fraked up in some parts. Her voice sounds like shit. Maybe she blew out another vocal chord.

Round 2 — Celebrities’ Pick
In this round, the contestants’ HEROES have selected their songs. (Clearly Lauren Alaina has never heard of Patsy Cline and well, poor Patsy left this world too early but I mean, Lucinda Williams and Trisha Yearwood would have been good choices, too.)

Scotty McCreery
Check Yes Or No (chosen by George Strait)

This song is special to me for one reason and one reason alone. My dear friend Maggie made me listen to a lot of country when she went through this phase in high school and I always thought the name of this song was Jack Daniels Knows. To me, it made sense. It seems like a perfect country song title. And I had already read a bit of Camus and hell, Jack Daniels being the only one to understand one’s feelings seemed somewhat existential (or drunk writer-ly) and Jack Daniels is made in the South and so is country music. So why wouldn’t it be the perfect country & western song? Let’s write it.

Now I think I gathered what this song was about even though it seemed to be entirely chorus. I was also typing and thinking about how that weird blond vampire fiddler guy got to earn another paycheck. Everyone else might think this is the most boring Idol finale ever, but Count Blondler got another gig on national TV. It really is not hard to realize some good actually comes out of this shit show if you just look carefully. Count Blondler might but a few more dollars in his ING Direct account, or help buy his band a new van for their summer mini-tour. Or maybe he can buy himself a brand new fiddle, or his mom a new front porch swing.

Oh yeah. About the song. Its all about meeting some girl when you’re 8 and being in love with her ever since but not realizing it until later and Jack Daniels knew all about that sort of thing. Jack Daniels knows everything. Now if I was choosing for Scotty, I would have gone for the slam dunk with a similarly-themed Tim McGraw ballad entitled Please Don’t Take The Girl. It’s about a kid named Johnny who’s dad takes him fishing and this girl wants to go and he doesn’t want him to take her. But later on he ends up falling in love with her. And they get held up on some dirt road by a gunman later on but he begs him not to take the girl and their lives are spared and then they go on to get married. Of course, then they decide to have a baby and this girl just has to go and die in childbirth even though Johnny is on his knees praying to God not to take the girl. Exactly. Slam dunk.

Lauren Alaina
Maybe It Was Memphis

Because Idol really wants you to know that Lauren Alaina is going to be the next Carrie Underwood, Carrie Underwood picked Lauren Alaina’s next song. American Idol really wants another cash cow. If you are blond and have a southern accent, you can be the next Carrie Underwood!

Why would anyone want to be Carrie Underwood, anyway? Just be yourself. Do you think copycat karaoke is going to get you that far…? Ugh. The only bright spot since the commercial break (featuring some grotesquely over-dramatic GOODBYE OPRAH ad touting her finale that makes it look as if the most important person in the world is dying) is seeing Haley Reinhart mugging for the camera from the audience, sitting beside Casey Broflovski, of course. And then there’s Naima and Jacob Lusk being all squirmy. Do you blame him? He has to keep adjusting himself so he can see over Mommy Suddeth’s stacked Kate Gosselin bob.

Count Blondler is clearly a Bill Hader character. And listen Sunday School Strumpet, the body type thing again…you don’t wear flat boots with a short skirt unless you’re well…unless…you’re taller. Where to begin on the dress? Do showgirls double as Sweet Potato Pie Parade majorettes these days? (Do majorettes still exist?) What the hell is that thing? Its almost…who designed that shit? NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. EVER. AND I KNOW YOU WILL BUY SOME YIPPY TOY DOG ONCE YOU ARE DONE WITH THIS SHIT AND THAT YIPPY TOY DOG WILL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU WILL DRESS HIM IN THE MOST HORRIBLE THINGS EVER CREATED FOR YIPPY TOY DOGS.

I do not care what you sang or how you sung it. Because you are so mediocre when it comes down to it. I’ve seen better shit on karaoke nights in Ballwin, MO for frak’s sake. Now it has finally dawned on me why a part of a certain quote has been running through my mind for the last month whenever I’ve blogged this show:

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

BINGO. First rule of TopIdol? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass. 2nd? I’m gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass.

You know who’s not gonna go all Tyler Durden on your ass? The JUDGES. The JUDGES. How do you people live with yourselves? You’re just talking heads. Talking heads. Jennifer Lopez. You’ve been handcuffed to a bench at the NYPD and asked for cuticle cream. You almost destroyed a nice guy from Boston’s entire career. You danced with a giant high heel. Have you just given up on ever gaining anyone’s respect? If I were you, perhaps I would do the same. You’re rich. I would have people make me special eye shadow I could wear and then snort to make all rational thought disappear. Maybe that’s what you’re already doing. And you, Randy Jackson. You gave up a long time ago. Now you just want to make IN IT TO WIN IT happen. You want to trademark that shit. Will you say that to those dance crews? Why the hell do you judge dance crews, anyway? Don’t even get me started on you, Steven Tyler. There were such high hopes for you and yet you just sit there all sober and positive and for chrissake, I’m sure you’re on something and I don’t advocate self-destructive behavior but MY FRAKING FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, would you please just fall off the wagon to make this show somewhat interesting? Canned rhymes and whooping and telling young girls how pretty they are is not entertainment. That’s shit I see when I wait for the #1 bus in Central Square.

Again, we are forced to see more Momma Suddeth. She adores the screen time. And then Seacrest mentions Oprah and introduces this Taio Cruz person I guess because they’re both black or something. Its called Positive? This was part of that contest they mentioned one time at the beginning of the season, isn’t it? Don’t remember much about it, then again, I likely tuned it out or blogged that episode drunk or skipped it because I was drunk. (Sometimes I drink on Thursday nights. You know you do, too.)

Round 3 — This song will be on their album/corronation

Scotty McCreery
I Love You This Big

Some of the melody is reminiscent of Garth Brooks’ Unanswered Prayers but the title is…the whole THIS BIG thing is what you say to a 3-year-old when your asking them about size or helping them take off a long-sleeved shirt. Its a rather forgettable ballad but he gets some smoke effects and makes his sweet parents cry. His parents seem so nice. He seems like such a nice boy.

Lauren Alaina
Like My Mother Does

What a song choice. In so many ways. In so many, many ways. Luckily for Kristi Suddeth, this also means EVEN MORE SCREENTIME. Holy swaybots make this stop.

When I love I give it all I got / like my mother does / when i’m scared / i bow my head and pray / like my mother does / she’s a rock / she is great / she’s an angel / she’s my heart & soul / she does it all

(BTW. Haley Reinhart never had to be helped down the stairs when wearing heels.)

NOPE. DONE. CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Because I see myself like my mother does

I can’t add anything. Nope. Can’t. It’s all be said sung. And I can’t keep taking photos of these asshats. I can’t keep listening to them talk. Hell, this idiot girl — whom, btw, was just proclaimed the winner by this allegedly-esteemed panel of judges — had some guy with about 10 uncredited roles on the IMDB come out and play “Doctor #1″ so we would believe she blew a vocal chord and there she is, yapping away, much like that poor toy dog she’s going to buy for her and her mother to play dress-up with. And “Doctor #1″ is all like, thanks FOX, you lied to me. You said there would be a 4-episode arc on House next season if I did this dog & pony shit with the whiny southern brat and now you’ve sent me on my way with a weak pittance after forcing me to sign some non-disclosure bullshit and told me you’ll call me. Lies. All lies. I graduated from NYU with a Masters in Theatre and this is what I get? So I get to keep my black scrubs. Nice parting gift.

Does David Cook come out now and sing that cover song? This stuff got paused for about 2 hours once they started replaying excerpts from tonight’s show with those phone numbers attached. In any case, I’m done. I don’t care who wins. I just want it to be over. Much as I did during that advanced screening of Gigli.

Spread the word. Do it.

I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

Spread the word. Do it.

The 2011 Grammy Nominations have been announced. Glamberts can now crow about their lord & savior being a GRAMMY NOMINEE because Adam Lambert got a Best Male Pop Vocal nod for Whataya Want From Me. I would bet the entire paycheck that was direct deposited in my bank account 24 hours ago that they are now already calling them THE GLAMMY AWARDS.

Sorry, Glamtards. I can’t see Lambert beating Bruno Mars or a dead Michael Jackson, even though people say its not even him on the track. Daddy Joe has always had the entrepreneurial spirit. And I dig Whataya Want From Me. Besides the Michael Buble song, it’s the only song I know on the list. If it won, I would be perfectly happy–only if there weren’t Sparkle cows who would then attached GRAMMY WINNING into anything about him, right along side Freddie Mercury, Brian May, and Steven Spielberg. It ain’t worth it for the dude to get a little gold trophy.

Other nominated Idol people include Fantasia and that dull-as-rocks stick figure called Carrie Underwood. Sure some great acts like Ray LaMontagne, Mumford & Sons, Arcade Fire, and Florence + The Machine received nominations, but these are automatically canceled out by such shit as Katy Perry being up for ALBUM OF THE YEAR. I want Gaga to spit on you, Katy Perry. The Moppet of Beelzebub Justin Bieber might be BEST NEW ARTIST. What is this world coming to? If it comes down to Wheelchair Jimmy and Bieber, I’m rooting for Wheelchair Jimmy. And Glee got nominated for something. Have the Grammys have ANY shame?

Another nominee I’m happy about but can’t believe I’m saying I’m happy about — Lady Antebellum for Need You Now. Yeah. I love that song. It speaks to me sometimes. But haven’t the Grammys been dead since Sacco & Vanzetti. Ooops. I meant Milli and Vanilli.

Check out Maura Johnston’s live blog of the nominees for Grammy.com! We love Maura!

AOL called these the “full list” but that’s not true because there is nothing about classical music, or jazz, or R&B. (Nor is there anything about mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or getting drunk…) Tonight, I will go to bed and dream of a world without those Kardashians or Katy Perry. I’m shocked they didn’t nominate a Kardashian for anything. You can’t go/do/read anything without seeing one of them. The world is a sad, sad, place. Also sad? BASSNECTAR WAS NOMINATED FOR NOTHING.

Song of the Year
‘Beg, Steal or Borrow’ — Ray LaMontagne
‘Forget You’ — Cee-Lo
‘The House That Built Me’ — Miranda Lambert
‘Love the Way You Lie’ — Eminem Feat. Rihanna
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum

Album of the Year
‘The Suburbs’ — Arcade Fire
‘Recovery’ — Eminem
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum
‘The Fame Monster’ — Lady Gaga
‘Teenage Dream’ — Katy Perry

Best New Artist
Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence and the Machine
Mumford and Sons
Esperanza Spalding

Record of the Year
‘Nothing on You’ — B.o.B. Feat. Bruno Mars
‘Love the Way You Lie’ — Eminem Feat. Rihanna
‘Forget You’ — Cee-Lo
‘Empire State of Mind — Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
‘King of Anything’ — Sara Bareilles
‘Halo (Live)’ — Beyoncé
‘Chasing Pirates’ — Norah Jones

Best Pop Performance By a Group or Duo with Vocals
‘Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version)’ — Glee cast
‘The Only Exception’ — Paramore
‘Babyfather’ — Sade
‘Hey, Soul Sister (Live)’ — Train

Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals
‘Airplanes, Part II’ — B.o.B., Eminem & Hayley Williams
‘Imagine’ — Herbie Hancock, Pink, India.Arie, Seal, Konono No 1, Jeff Beck & Oumou Sangare
‘If it Wasn’t for Bad’ — Elton John & Leon Russell
‘Telephone’ — Lady Gaga & Beyoncé
‘California Gurls’ — Katy Perry & Snoop Dogg

Best Pop Instrumental Performance
‘Flow’ — Laurie Anderson
‘Nessun Dorma’ — Jeff Beck
‘No Mystery’ — Stanley Clarke
‘Orchestral Intro’ — Gorillaz
‘Sleepwalk’ — The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Best Pop Instrumental Album
‘Pushing the Envelope’ — Gerald Albright
‘Take Your Pick’ — Larry Carlton & Tak Matsumoto
‘Heart And Soul’ — Kenny G
‘Singularity’ — Robby Krieger
‘Everything Is Everything: The Music Of Donny Hathaway’ — Kirk Whalum

Best Pop Vocal Album
‘My World 2.0′ — Justin Bieber
‘I Dreamed a Dream’ — Susan Boyle
‘The Fame Monster’ — Lady Gaga
‘Battle Studies’ — John Mayer
‘Teenage Dream’ — Katy Perry

Best Dance Recording
‘Rocket’ — Goldfrapp
‘In For The Kill’ — La Roux
‘Dance In The Dark’ — Lady Gaga
‘Only Girl (In The World)’ — Rihanna
‘Dancing On My Own’ — Robyn

Best Electronic/Dance Album
‘These Hopeful Machines’ — BT
‘Further’ — The Chemical Brothers
‘Head First’ — Goldfrapp
‘Black Light’ — Groove Armada
‘La Roux’ — La Roux

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Big Mike and company were likely tired from their big day of performing and pranking sweet little puppy dog Aaron Kelly (aka Aar Bear). He did enjoy a midday sandwich, which made me feel better, but its not the same. It only counts at night.

Screw Idol. I can’t wait to see Inception this weekend. It’s really the only movie I’ve wanted to see all summer. Have you seen the online prequel comic The Cobol Job?

Glamberts are turning their wrath on the American Music Association again. They’re mad because Adam Lambert hasn’t been asked back to perform on this year’s AMA show, which is apparently in the planning stages. This is the part where I decide not to say anything because its unnecessary.

Kris Allen went to the Paul McCartney show. And his face melted. I have no idea whether he and his friends bought a ticket for that stuffed E.T.

Carrie Underwood. Still married. And guess what? I still don’t fraking care.

Sandwich Idol played Mohegan Sun last night. Tonight, they’re in New Hampshire. I suspect they may be near Boston in the next few days but I know I will not be attending, as no one I know in real life would go with me (I don’t blame them) and it would require me to drive. Although I am not an alcoholic, it would be impossible to sit through sober and I’m not driving drunk.

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Non-wedding guests were served with letters informing requiring them to leave the premises by noon on Friday. Carrie was supposed to arrive at the Ritz by helicopter on Friday.

Michael Lynche ate a sandwich with Salt & Vinegar Pringles on the side. He also ask-Tweeted to see Tim Urban’s chest. (Ok, that last one was as-per-the-request of fantards, I think.) I honestly think the contestants on tour are having more fun using Twitter and making sandwiches. There are likely a handful of Lee DeWyze Tards who have subsisted on nothing but peanut butter & jelly sandwiches since yesterday morning. Perhaps this is just a plea for food on everyone’s behalf?

Kim Caldwell did something for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Good job for a good cause!

If you’re in Kansas City today, Melinda Doolittle is appearing at the NAACP Convention from 4-6 and will be signing copies of her book. Go Mindy Do!

Alex Wagner-Trugman remains the funniest former Idol contestant on Twitter.

Nashville Scene acknowledges the batshit crazy Glamberts who took event listings writer Adam Gold to task for having fun with his description of Adam Lambert’s concert last week. Notice how when any publication prints anything not 125% glowing about Adam Lambert, they end up following up with a THESE PEOPLE ARE LUNATICS post 2-3 days later? I sense a trend. In any case, Alex Gold cracks me up. Any attempts at reasoning with these people…

@JGlambert. Lambert’s vocal prowess is not what’s been called into question here, an artistic choice is. But since you brought up … Neither Springsteen nor Bono can sing? At all? Really? God gave you ears, that I can deduce are capable of hearing ½ in a physical sense, at least ½ and you TOTALLY blew it.

On another note, saying that I’m a homophobe because my nausea kicks in when I hear Adam Lambert give “Ring of Fire” the Evanescence treatment, is like the Irish Defamation League coming after you for saying Bono can’t sing. Bono has given you plenty of ammo with which to make of him. Seriously, either step it up a bit if you’re gonna go there or keep your comments and criticisms relevant to the piece in question.

Also, what’s a smank?

Yeah…what is a smank? But I swear these people have form letters they copy verbatim every single day. Scientologists do this kind of thing too…

Adam Lambert’s singing was called “outstanding”"impeccable”flawless”incredible” by the AI judges, mentors, guest singers on AI. He is rated #2 of top 50on DDDmusic which has approximately 15 criteria judging a singer ‘s technical skill. The entire recording industry jumped on board to work with him. mr gold looks stupid because of his article. He has lost all credibiltiy and it is gone forever. His own fault. Prejudice has ruined more than one life.

Come on, come on, come on…I know you can do it…say it…come on, bring that one guy up…YES. Glamberts, you never let me down.

@jimmy, please catch up. Adam Lambert won #1 Artist of 2009 by Rolling Stone readers. Won #;3 spot by MTV and best of all, even passed my fav Freddie Mercury for #2 on DDD music eval Technical Skill Rock Singers: Evaluation based on singing ability not popularity or influence (Adam has 70 city tour then goes to Europe and Asis means SUCCESSFUL)
Anyho! The eval based on:Prijection, Resonance,endurance,Range, Versatility-tonal, Stylistic, Technical And Breath Support, Register Switching,Register Blending,Pitch, Vocal Runs,Consistency Throught Registers, Volume Control, Vibrato Control, Sustain, and Diction. It is more finely tuned these day, Freddie Mercury was number one, now Jackie Wilson is #1,Adam Lambert2, Freddie Mercury#3. It is a singer’s technical talent not a popularity contest. Freddie is my fav tho I love Adam a lot.

What’s great about the follow-up posts about Batshit Crazy Glamberts is that they always yield MORE batshit craziness. Hey, Adam Gold, if we’re ever in the same city, I’m definitely buying you a drink.

Making reference to this does not make me a homophobe. Calling me a homophobe is as boneheaded and inane as when Glenn Beck compares Barack Obama to a Nazi. It’s a bunch of elemental and rhetorical malarkey people invoke to put themselves on a moral high-ground as a substitute for actually making a point.

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Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

All this for a guy who may be the long-lost bastard son of Colonel Sanders. Perhaps its those 11 secret herbs & spices which make him so damn irresistible to the (post)-menopausal set.

Meanwhile, Carrie Underwood just really needed to eat a damned sandwich. Her arm is the size of my thumb. She should also never speak.

I guess Justin Guarini was covering it for the TV Guide channel? (But I’m thinking they sort of just let anyone in. Alexis Grace was there. Or at least posed with one of the signs in front.)

How this woman can even smile amazes me after all she’s been through. Jennifer Hudson looked (and sounded) great.

This obnoxious bitch was only there in a pitiful attempt to show the world how RELEVANT she is…

…and to get into this guy’s pants. She’s been chasing him for over a year now, even though QUATTO warned her it would never happen.

For more photos of the 52nd Grammy Awards, check out MJ’s stash. Now with funny “concerned speculation” on why Kris Allen — who is probably on a flight to Southeast Asia right now — was not in attendance…and why this is MUY MAL for his career.

Whether or not Kris is “into the whole gala thing” or not he is wasting really valuable opportunities to network at functions like this. The day is going to come when someone is waffling over considering him for one thing or another and some previous personal contact would have made all the difference. That’s what all these functions are for- one Clive party is still just one party. The Grammy’s are network exposure both as appearing on a network and working a network. And never mind Katy’s aspirations- she needs the exposure as well.

I understand that there are successful celebrities that eschew the schmoozing thing, but Kris is not there yet and needs to learn how to get himself out there. He’s too passive. I don’t expect him to be a social butterfly and change his nature but I would expect him to at least try and make an effort. These opportunities are few and far between- it’s a shame to let them get away like this.

And someone wasted time writing those 2 paragraphs because they care so much?

Will be adding a few more photos if I get a chance. What were your favorite Grammy moments? I’m a bit shocked Gaga was so royally screwed when it came time to hand out those awards (although I think everyone won 10 of something in the awards presented before the telecast) and seriously, enough with Taylor Swift and the AW SHUCKS I REALLY WON speeches. The hate once reserved only for Miley Cyrus will now be directed towards you. Sorry, sweetheart. It’s just how things work.

Spread the word. Do it.

I’m only catching a few minutes of this to satisfy my evening’s need for Idol-related blogging, and since David Cook is going to show up, hey, it’s two former Idol contestants for the price of one–plus I’m sure Holly Sockpuppets is already rumor-mongering a relationship between the classy Underwood and chicks man Cook.

OK. This show was so not funny until RIGHT NOW!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!! Walking VD Constantine Maroulis is the consummate Idol joke.

Carrie Underwood isn’t funny, but that was. And while I always like seeing Bo Bice (Hey, I liked the guy. That was the first season I watched. I would totally go drink beer with Bo Bice.)…this is clearly a pathetic vehicle for Underwood to launch a tepid film career? Right now, I would much rather be re-watching the greatest televised social experiment since Manor House — JERSEY SHORE!!! (And hello, Kris Allen fans in the area, you couldn’t have hooked me up with a ticket for that Jingle Hell shit in Worcester tonight? I would have told you all the story about how my father VHS-ed Barenaked In America almost a decade ago because he thought it was about nude chicks and not a Canadian band called the Barenaked Ladies.)

David Cook performs Lie. It sounds vaguely familiar. Honestly, I kind of like Cook. I’m not into his squinting-while-singing but I like the guy. He doesn’t deserve people like Holly Sockpuppets calling themselves “fans”. And if he’s going bald, so what. The real test of a man is whether or not they can pull off being bald, so I guess we’ll have to see…if he does go bald.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHH9Pky-MbY

No offense, Cook, but the show peaked with the Walking VD Constantine Maroulis Voodoo Doll. Priceless! AND JESUS CHRIST! Why have I spent over 10 seconds staring at Carrie Underwood’s dog’s penis??? Don’t even tell me I’m a sicko. It’s RIGHT THERE. YOU COULD NOT MISS IT EVEN IF YOU WERE SCOTT MACINTYRE!!!

Whatevia. The dog penis isn’t pretty, but I would still rather look at it than Greasy Constantine!

Photo: Malista.com

OMG. This show is excruciating. Barbara Mandell and Dolly Parton could do this shit so much better while sleeping. Who wrote this crap? And the editing is terrible! I thought Underwood was supposed to duet after the commercial break, yet all I saw was her dog’s penis. Oh, ok. THIS must have been the problem. How did they make two hours of this tripe? Carrie Underwood’s older sister, Stephanie, is also dull. Their entire schtick about Carrie being a naive country girl in Hollywood with no gaydar or uh, Johnny Depp-dar, is lame and tired–as well as the “I found the perfect guy for my sister song-&-dance”. By the time Kristen Chenowith (EAT A SANDWICH) and Christina Applegate show up, the only thing I can think is how thankful I am neither one of them are Kristen Wiig. I am just biding my time for Dolly, even if Christina Applegate is kinda cool. DOLLY DOLLY DOLLY!!! Kristen Chenowith–eat a muthafraking sandwich. You have Posh Head!

Fast forward…fast forward…

Brad Paisley. Can’t stand his wife, that Father of the Bride chick, but since I haven’t seen her in a movie since then, and I don’t listen to Brad Paisley, I really have no reason to find her annoying. Brad Paisley gets props from me for being kind of hot and openly discussing his deep, abiding love for Battlestar Galactica. For some reason, I had no idea he did real honky tonk stuff–does he? Looks wise , he seems like he would have been a more appropriate duet buddy for Kris Allen on the Season 8 Finale. In any case, this Then song…I’ve totally heard it! Yeah, I think they play it at the Summer Shack at Alewife, swear to flying spaghetti monster.

I can’t get over how stupid this is, I mean, Carrie Underwood is marginally better than she was when on Idol in 2005, but she’s still so damn boring. The same things I couldn’t stand about her then are clearly apparent, even if I am able to say a couple of her songs aren’t THAT terrible, granted, most of these new ones all sound exactly the same. Frankly, I’ve just never understood the allure behind this one, but I’ve never been one for those fresh-faced and fresh-voiced types. And we all know about my admitted hatred of pale girls with bleached-blond hair.

Oh, honey. You are not, nor will you ever will be DOLLY FRAKING PARTON. No one is Dolly Parton but Dolly Parton. And Dolly Parton is one of the greats, an American institution, and she’s got more personality and moxy in her acrylic fingernail than Carrie Underwood (or anyone, for that matter) will ever hope to have.

Dolly sings I Will Always Love You with Carrie. I am so sick of that damn song, even if I love me some Dolly Parton. The holiday music doesn’t come until the last 15 minutes, oh jesus christ, it kicks off with that song where you take the wheel. NOOOOOOOO.

Ok. I’m done with this shit. I have to go tend to Oskar, whom I’ve turned into an addict in only the last 24 hours. You see, I bought him a catnip mustache from Maisonwares. They were two for $5 at the Bazaar Bizarre at Cyclorama yesterday (the second one is hidden in a smell-proof drawer). I gave him one when I got home. He can’t stop making love to it. It’s hilarious, yes, but what have I done to him? My mother told me I was like “one of those hoosiers who rolls cigarettes for their children.”

Shut up, Mom. I know I’m living with an addict. We’re gonna get through this, I know we will. It’s just for recreation, yeah, recreation. Oskar’s not hooked on the bad shit. Oskar is not a niphead. It’s not like he’s Tiger Woods and that catnip mustache is a VIP party hostess or anything.

Spread the word. Do it.

(Also check out the VFTW Live Stream for even more shits & giggles.)

Spread the word. Do it.

Maura Johnston is a MUSIC JOURNALIST who also happens to cover Idol. I always respect her opinion. She’s one of the most knowledgeable music writers out there, so frankly, I really don’t see why she’s getting hate from, sigh…some Kris Allen fans.

Contrary to popular opinion, I don’t consider all Adam Lambert fans to be crazy–I just believe there are a core group of overzealous ones who uh, give the fandom a bad name. Given that I’ve been called a Kristard on several occasions just for giving Kris Allen rightful props, I know how this works. And while I know there are a fair amount of Kris Allen fans who are regular Top Idol readers, it does not mean I won’t call out shitty behavior of Kris Allen fans when I see it.

Nothing Maura said in her interview was incorrect–have you listened to a Top 40 station lately? Essentially, Maura says Kris Allen’s music is more geared to a “coffeehouse” and Lambert’s is more Top 40. Big deal.

This doesn’t make her a GLAMBERT. So why are people claiming she has a Glambert #? Even MJ tells her commenters this is nonsense. (I mean, can we just consider the absurdity of all of this? Just the fact fans give themselves NUMBERS is beyond my comprehension.)

Maura does NOT have a glambert #. Trust me on this.

Also, I didn’t find her remarks about Kris dismissive at all. She didn’t say Kris “should” be playing in a coffee house, but that he is a “coffeehouse” type artist. Also, what she said about clean-pop not getting played on Top 40 these days is just the truth.

There are lots of artists who place this type of music who are VERY successful–Ray LaMontagne is one of my favorites, and his last release spent about a week or two at the top of iTunes album download charts. Citizen Cope, Jason Mraz, and even the world’s biggest douchebag John Mayer, are VERY successful playing this “coffeehouse music”. And these types of artists are often more appealing to us music snobs than the “poppy” ones.

No, Maura does not have a Glambert #. And for chrissake, she did not say anything dismissive of Kris Allen. It actually bothers me to see this sort of over-the-top behavior. Maura doesn’t have to cover American Idol for Idolator, she does it because she likes the show. She’s a music journalist. And frankly, she knows more about music than you do so just shut the frak up.

And once again, just as I know not all Adam Lambert fans are batshit crazy, I know this mentality does not also apply to all Kris Allen fans. But come on, people, it’s not necessary to interpret everything a journalist or blogger says as not only negative–because they might not say so-and-so shits Ferrero Rocher–but as meaning they’re in the perceived rival’s camp and out to get the other guy. People can like Kris Allen and Adam Lambert. It’s not one or the other, and as I’ve said since the finale, neither Allen nor Lambert would have cared if the outcome were different. You will find most of us who spend a considerable of time blogging about this shit show actually DO like Kris Allen, Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta (sorry, Gokey!), as well as a few other contestants. Of course with anything and anyone, there will also always be a few we can’t stand, either. (Again, sorry Gokey!)

The show’s over. A new season is starting. Get a grip.

Spread the word. Do it.