Tonight, Big Mike, Casey James, Andrew Garcia, and several band members went to a St. Louis eatery for a whole lotta FOOD. For the life of me, I am trying to figure out where they are dining. They’re in ST. LOUIS. I should know these things.

Big Mike, where is the TOASTED RAVIOLI? Fried macaroni & cheese? Quesadillas? Fried mushrooms? All of this but no toasted ravioli? Where is the sandwich? Ah yes…these are just the appetizers. Oh. And if you want a REAL sandwich, you best get your asses over to Lion’s Choice. Order it extra beef & extra rare on wheat. I get two of them, so you should probably order 4 or 5. They’re just so damn good. I could probably put down 3 or 4 in one sitting, come to think about it. But I really, really, really love me some Lion’s Choice.

Casey may have to go to Nashville after the tour, and I’m sure Andrew and Big Mike want to see their offspring, but all of that should not take very long. They should really just keep going with this Late Night Sandwich business. Come on…late night sandwich shops are very important and the public needs to be informed. Or maybe the three of them can travel around the country in a food truck. YES! Food trucks are very trendy right now. This could be their ticket to an entirely new audience.

Spread the word. Do it.

Chik-fil-a continues its quest for worldwide dominance through American Idol. Season 7′s Michael Johns is now Tweeting about chiky-chik-chik goodness. (Me? I don’t recall ever having a life-changing meal at this place, but I’ve never been on American Idol. Maybe I’ll hit the West County Center food court the next time I’m in the Lou, let all of you know what I think.) Side note — I do kind of feel sorry for Michael Johns, as he is forced to use an underscore in his Twitter account because some teabagger from Jersey shares the same name.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS OUT. It seems Jenny from the Block / J. Lo. / One of the lamest narcissist bitches you will be lucky to never meet was just was too demanding and Idol judges shit-canned her ass before she even signed on the dotted line. Perhaps UMG knows she can’t sell albums? Perhaps no one wants a closet Scientologist at the judges’ table? Perhaps the bitch just wanted too damn much, because all she ever does is want want want. J. Lo, you peaked with Out of Sight and when you wore that sheer Versace robe with the merkin-of-bling, even though my mom has a Dillard’s private label plus-sized muumuu that’s really not dissimilar.

Of course, perhaps Kara DioGuardi threatened to kill herself if she could no longer be on Idol or something. Wait. I should not be referencing suicide — although Fantasia is out of the hospital. But Shit-For-Brains must be pissed since she has her Republican politician Daddy complaining about it on TV. The producer’s haven’t called her! Doesn’t that mean you’re out of work? Why is your Dad talking about this on a political-centric show? Jesus Christ. Sen. Scott Brown’s daughter was on American Idol and you don’t hear him talking about it, granted Ayla Brown was on the show about 5 years ago and she wasn’t a judge or anything. I think I just wanted an excuse to post THIS:

WAIT! These GossipCop people claim J. Lo is still in the running to judge everyone’s not-favorite shit show. I bet she’s paying them with Dianetics and Glow to say such things.

Poor, sweet Casey James…if he’s gonna help the little people out, it better be some nice midgets…

Big Mike Lynche better make Casey a good sandwich tonight. They’ve been eating GOOD lately. Then again, Big Mike hasn’t missed a meal since he was a zygote. They’re even eating sandwiches in daylight now! In the desert! Big Mike, I never thought I would call myself a fan but dude, you need your own Food Network show or deli or something. Maybe you could tag team 2-foot bacon cheeseburgers with the Man vs. Food guy or something, I dunno, but you if you’re not totally set on pursuing this singing stuff, the world is your buffet table. Take all the plates you want.

CLUBEN happened tonight. In NYC. In the ladies’ room of the Hammerstein Ballroom. Yeah…THIS is how you close a show, dammit!

Isn’t this guy a newlywed? Does he ever spend time with his wife? Jason Castro, all you do is eat and sleep in food courts and airports. And in between, you likely play your guitar and take bong hits, maybe watch some baseball. It’s cool, Castro, it’s cool. I had no idea Kumar’s woman had a sister! Score!

Spread the word. Do it.

Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

Spread the word. Do it.

This has nothing to do with American Idol. I just love Joshua Jackson. PACEY CON!

Nigel Lythgoe might be returning as Idol’s executive producer! Who was that idiot who took his place? Something Warwick? Produced pageants and the ilk? Anyway, say what you will about Lythgoe, who may or may not be a prick (homophobic or otherwise), Idol was kind of more entertaining with him on it. Looks like they’re pulling out all the stops to save the show, sans begging Simon & Paula to come back or voiding the contracts of Kara DioGuardi and (sorry, Ellen!) Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, even though Randy Jackson is as useless as tits on a bull, he’s kind of…nostalgic at this point in Idol’s sad existence.

Speaking of Idol’s sad existence, the Ruben Studdard-Clay Aiken tour (Cluben!) has begun. This should be a warning to any little boy who wants to try out for American Idol. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU? Sadly, the video has been removed before I was able to watch it. If someone gets me a copy, I will provide full face-palming commentary.

UPDATED! (Thank you Jim! And H20Convo!) WHY IS THE FIRST THING I SEE…CLAY AIKEN GRABBING HIS CROTCH?

I would still actually see this man if he performed in a bar down the street because I know the show would actually be fun.

Meanwhile, on the current American Idol tour, Michael Lynche, Casey James, and Andrew Garcia continue to stuff sandwiches down their throats late at night. This time, Lee DeWyze makes a guest appearance. And what were the sandwiches they so enjoyed on July 24th? CHIK-FIL-A.

The Huffington Post’s Melody Breyer-Grell wrote that Adam Lambert is having an identity crisis, even though 85% of the article humped his leg effusively. (Breyer-Grell is mostly spot on in her assessment of Lambert’s career, and she is clearly someone who truly admires his talent. The article was HONEST.) Naturally, 85% is not good enough for the most ardent of Lambert fans. Uh oh…Did somebody say CHIK-FIL-A?

I find the need to mention Adam’s sexuality in an article about his talent offensive. I have done my Adam Lambert research, in fact I have written a book and many articles about Mr. Lambert. Adam does not suffer from an identity crisis. What you are looking for is simplicity in a complex person. Adam may be the boy next door in an interview, but he is the sexually provocative, thrusting, grinding, and testosterone laden Alpha male on stage. He is multifaceted and is always true to himself. There is absolutely nothing about Adam Lambert that is not genuine. The fans at his sold out tour venues will not agree with your assessment of his authenticity. Lambert is a man driven by his desire to make an artistic statement. Adam’s artistry encompasses his style, staging, and his ability to enrich every lyric with emotion. He is arguably the most gifted vocalist of his generation and a capable dancer. Why should any great artist limit their means of expressing themselves other than by the boundaries of their capability? Adam should sing whatever he wants to sing and I will go to his concerts and buy his album.

Kris Allen was in San Diego. He sang some songs during two sold-out shows at Anthology. Here is a video of Falling Slowly so you people get off the previous Idol Quickies thread. (Courtesy of SnapCracklyPop)

David Cook had breakfast with his father and brother yesterday. If you too, had breakfast on Sunday, you are likely destined to marry David Cook.

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The sandwich was so good (Philly cheesesteaks typically are), he and Andrew Garcia decided to get another and split it.

Perhaps everyone was really hungry since…there was a CATFIGHT at last night’s show!

David Archuleta sang a tribute to Selena at the Tejano Music Awards, who has now been dead 15 years. Still sad. Although it makes me think of the theatrical version when it was Jennifer Lopez who bit it at the hands of Lupe Ontiveros — one of the greatest working character actresses — and then it makes me smile. But the real Selena, that sucked. Another cautionary tale of psychotic fans…

(It also reminds me of the time I bought a CD from a Dollar Tree called Totally Tejano Hits Vol. 3. I need to bust that bad boy out again.)

American Idol Season 6 semifinalist Stephanie Edwards has recorded The Wind with Michael Makinde. I think the song would work better with a faster tempo, but Edwards has a pleasant voice.

Season 8 semifinalist Arianna Afsar is your new Miss California. Remember Afsar? She adopted grandparents and was cute as a button. She also still makes me laugh because she performed Abba’s Winner Takes It All because she wanted to do something “youthful.”

In Lansing, Michigan, Adam Lambert was chased by drag queens into the parking lot of a McDonald’s. I’m kind of happy drag queens were chasing him. This could be promising for his career. Drag queens! Not just women wearing makes that gives them the appearance of being dragged behind a car!

Spread the word. Do it.

(Bet those manning the cameras had to squeeze in closer than usual.)

For some reason, TBTB thought it would be really funny to have them sing a song with the word suck in the title. And hey, since mashups are tres cool these days, why NOT make one of Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life and Kelly Clarkson’s My Life Would Suck Without You.

The anchors can’t remember Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami, but hey, I forgot the latter existed, too. The only person who looks happy to be there is Michael Lynche, then again, he would be happy if you let him sing at a supermarket opening. Even Teflon Timmy Urban has lost his smile. Innocent puppy dog Aaron Kelly won’t even sing into the mic.

Did all of these people drive over someone’s pet puppy (granted, Lee DeWyze may have done this at some point in his life, but if I’ve learned anything on Law & Order: SVU, its that juvenile records are sealed)? I almost feel sorry for them. Ok, well maybe not. I mean, at least not for Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. I do feel the most pain for Crystal Bowersox and Casey James, though, you know they wish they never left the dive bars where they had weekly residencies. Its just not worth it when you’re subjected to such nationally-televised humiliation.

Spread the word. Do it.

What the hell did Kelly Clarkson ever do to deserve this shit?

(Thank you, Vote for the Worst)

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight, Adam Lambert will be performing, as will Season 7′s fifth-place finisher Brooke White and Justin Gaston. Gaston is of zero importance, yet he owns a guitar, once dated Miley Cyrus, and lives in the Simon-Fuller-owned If I Can Dream House alongside the [vastly more talented] Alex Lambert.

ELVIS MEDLEY HELL

Crystal Bowersox opens Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love. With a smile. I hope she realizes she sold her soul to the devil. Yet these kids can barely lip sync enthusiastically! Burnin’ Love moves into Teddy Bear and the constants pair off. Danny Gokey Babies.

Obviously, Big Mike will sing the title in the chorus — Teddy Bear — while Aaron Kelly croons to Smug Teen Witch, I don’t want to be a tiger / because tigers are too rough. I really think all of them should quit. Now. Before they lose every last single shred of dignity. No good can ever come from such fuckery.

Not very ironically, Andrew Garcia gets the first solo in Return to Sender. Once the crew goes into Viva Las Vegas and Big Mike is doing choreographed dips of Crystal Bowersox, I really do want to rescue all of these little stray kitties from the pound. Except Smug Teen Witch, of course.

Seacrest promises a dramatic evening. Will he be doing another comedy routine this evening? After the “green” Ford Fusion commercial. It’s about planting trees. I really think they should leave LEAVES and Ford Fusions to Kris Allen after watching such shite.

Hello sad nervous people. Andrew Garcia, pretty please will you puke on Smug Teen Witch’s very smug head? Wait. Who are they missing? (Oh crap. TIMMY! How could I forget you? Oh frak it. I always forget at least one of your names each week.)

Seacrest makes Andrew, Casey and Aaron come down to the center of the stage. Seacrest twists the knife in Andrew’s side just a bit deeper by talking about building friendships week after week before telling him its his time to go. But come on. Yawn. We knew it was coming. Cut to ubiquitous shot of Andrew’s sobbing wife/family. And Smug Teen Witch squeaking out her crocodile tears for the cameras. Come on, Andrew? Why aren’t you singing Straight Up?

BTW, both Casey and Aaron are SAFE. Really? Because sometimes they like to pull out the rug from under a person later on in the show after they think they’ve escape certain death, but hmmm…that does not seem likely tonight.

$10 says Andrew Garcia performs Straight Up is one of the two songs he performs on the Tour. Without the save being on the line, all pressure is off and everyone just seems so much more…relieved. Even Andrew, who seems genuinely thankful for his experience. He’s okay with leaving. He’s on the tour. He can hang out with Lee and their Danny Gokey Babies all summer long!

THIS IS NOT GIVING BACK

Poor Elliott Yamin. In 2010, the poor guy has been through an earthquake in Chile AFTER he had to take Kara DioGuardi with him to Angola. Elliott Yamin is awesome.

You’re a saint, sister.

Can someone please muzzle her? Poor Elliott. He’s such a nice guy. Couldn’t they have allowed him to do most of the talking? Why was he forced to bring her along for the ride? Doesn’t she know going to Africa to build a school and fight Malaria with someone likable is not going to automatically make HER likable? Only Kara DioGuardi could make you think about slapping her when the only thing that matters is saving people from Malaria. This makes her a liability to charity. The only reason she even went down there was because she totally thought she could stick a baby in her carry-on bag on the way back. She thinks they hand out little African babies in Angolan villages like credit card applications on college campuses.

Ever-so earnest Brooke White takes the stage to duet with Justin Gaston, who looks like a greasy school bus driver who shoots squirrels with a pellet gun while drinking Keystone. I was really hoping Brooke would need to start over again, but she doesn’t. But Justin Gaston. Holy hell. You are a talentless excuse for bushy eyebrows. OMG. Who told you that you could dream? Billy Ray Cyrus, right? Is he a goddamned expert? Because you. On stage. Fraking painful. I am actively attempting to cough my brains out right now in a concerted effort to drown your dying muskrat voice out.

Since Aaron is safe, this could be a very, very, very good thing. As soon as Tim Urban is declared safe, I will rejoice. Because that will almost certainly mean Smug Teen Witch will be going back to Connecticut.

Lee says he’s now starting to feel like he’s doing a concert when he’s up on the Idol stage, and not just an audition. Dude. You seriously just said that, right? What I can’t get over is the fact they’re leading us to believe they will eliminate a contestant before Lambert performs. If so. That’s stupid. Crystal is safe. Siobhan is safe. Lee is safe. Big Mike, Smug Teen Witch and Timmy are now in fear of their lives. Obviously, we will find out after Lambert performs. Whew. I thought Idol was making him the grand finale and hell, that’s just stupid. Because people only watch the end to see who goes home. Regardless of which international superstar is performing.

Next week, Alicia Keys will be mentoring. Please say they are not doing Alicia Keys songs. She’s such a beautiful girl and has a lovely voice, she just does some really, really, really shitty songs.

Lambert begins Whataya Want From Me acapella in a green haze of lasers and smoke, the effect is not unlike a marbling exercise done in elementary school art class. Once the band comes in, Lambert is awash in green laser fuckery and all I can think about is how well the audience can see, because on TV, Lambert is dimmed amongst the lasers and smoke. Only in certain parts is the spotlight actually on him. Its a perfectly capable version of the song, and the beginning highlighted his vocals, which frankly, he should do more often. Hey, I’m glad the guy got to perform to look down and see a young audience for at least one evening, too. Thank you, USC, for busing in your student and Greek organizations for the shows every week.

Towards the end, Lambert goes into the shrill territory I wish he would avoid. Moderation is key! Less is more! Just sing. Most attempts at extreme vocal gymnastics NEVER turn out well.

Yeah! I brought lasers!

(Glamberts who claim their lord & savior is a genius who changed lighting and set direction on American Idol, please note, the lasers — presumably his idea — hid him more than highlighted him. Again. Less is more. Lasers are AWESOME, but moderation is key.)

When staring at Timmy and Smug Teen Witch flanking Big Mike, I almost wish one was attached to each thigh. And Timmy is sent to safety! And one of them is not in the Bottom 3!

YESSSSSSSSS!

My cough is healed. My sore throat is gone. All which has ailed me has suddenly disappeared, as Smug Teen Witch has now left the building.

Oh please. Don’t play like you’re actually sad. (Siobhan is just working on her acting skills so she will be the new model Tim Burton trades Helena Bonham Carter in for in about five years.)

Look at it this way, little Katie. You’re obviously pissed. You’re no good at hiding it. So you know, take you’re own advice. Let it be. Now you can go to prom! Too bad none of those five guys who asked you busted out the vote, though. Oh well. You shouldn’t have been so smug!

The Andrew-Smug Teen Witch package makes me realize how much I already miss Andrew’s beautiful mother. And how the hell did Katie Stevens train herself to cry whenever someone says the word grandma?

And that, my friends, was the most satisfying episode of this piss-poor season. Except for the whole part with the earnest Mormon nanny and that talentless oily hitchhiker she picked up on her way to the studio. Yikes. That was just cruel.

Spread the word. Do it.

Photo courtesy of Cirque du Soleil (Twitter -- @cirque)

It’s the American Idol you’ve all been waiting for! Elvis! Adam Lambert!

It only makes sense that on tonight, of all evenings, I would be stricken with some sort of deathly cough/cold. Its a shame I don’t have any prescription-strength medicine to numb all the pain.

Ryan Seacrest says it was only natural to ask Adam Lambert back to mentor, since Elvis was one of the greatest performers to grace any stage and well, Adam Lambert was one of their favorite performers on the Idol stage. Lambert only gets some credit for admitting he’s only in the beginning of his career, but then I think back to the interview with Lambert in Spinner I read before tonight’s show and remember how he may really be a narcissistic ass clown.

Stop saying Elvis is a showman. Should I take a shot of Robotussin every time he says showman.

My tongue isn’t nearly as talented as yours.

And Seacrest just goes there yet again this season. Its like when they screw with Ron Burgundy’s teleprompter, isn’t it? Then again, its nothing compared to Kara DioGuardi attempting to prove she’s something before the big 4-0 by posing nude. (Although going nude in women’s magazines really doesn’t count, but why miss a chance to bash that Kara?)

I actually love the song Tim’s doing, I Can’t Help Falling In Love.

Dude. It’s called Can’t Help Falling in Love. Ok. It’s one word/letter, but…If Elvis is one of your favorite artists, at least get the names of his songs right. (Ok. Ok. I’ll go a bit easier on the guy. I can’t help it his batshit crazy fans drive me nuts.)

Crystal Bowersox
Saved

This will likely be the only time Crystal goes first this season. Naturally, she’s going back to her gospel-blues roots. But she’s got an…ELECTRIC guitar! Adam’s sage advice is to let down her dreads.

Crystal is still wearing the feather — one of fallen comrade Lilly Scott’s earrings. Crystal is great, of course, all the way-too-loud backup singers wish they were Crystal. Crystal is great. But I knew she would be great. And I knew she would do an Elvis gospel song. Randy calls her the second coming of Bonnie Raitt. Homey, please. Granted, I don’t like Bonnie Raitt because I’m only familiar with her adult contemporary shit from the 1990s that’s been done to death on this shit show, but whatever. You can’t listen to a man wearing a cardigan punctuated by variously-sized happy faces. The judges really have nothing interesting or new to say. Kara is wearing camoflage and failed to run a brush through her hair in an obvious effort to have “bed head.” Honky please.

I adore Crystal, but I look forward to her performances on the show only because I know she’s not going to suck, not because I can’t wait to see what she does next. This may be both a good and a bad thing. By the way, I realized something today. It’s a good thing Crystal was not name Crystal Beth Bowersox, because having one’s name be Crystal Beth would totally suck.

Andrew Garcia
Hound Dog

Further fueling the fact the show is oh-so-over Andrew Garcia, the beaten, battered and bewildered El Vez-wannabe is going second. He’s also doing Hound Dog. Why oh why did he not take my advice and do In The Ghetto? Bye bye, Andrew Garcia.

It’s boring. I was bored. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I know I can be straight up with you.

Adam Lambert gets points for calling him boring. But did he tell him he could be straight up with him on purpose? Is Hound Dog anything but boring? Lambert makes Garcia change it up, or so we’re led to believe. I don’t know if its really changed up, but its the first time I’ve actually been forced to listen to the lyrics of Hound Dog. Garcia really only slowed it down, rather than changing it up. The result borders on shrill.

Randy tells him he was bad karaoke because they producers told him Andrew was going home this week. This is Ellen’s cue to say she likes it. Camo Kara says he dragged the mic around. Simon says all of his coolness has been sucked out of him. Garcia’s family (i.e., those holding the giant cardboard glasses and the posterboard with giant glasses drawn on it)are not pleased.

Ellen may be the only judge to survive the gang hit put out tonight. She was a smart woman. But why Andrew didn’t attempt something like Always On My Mind, It’s Now or Never, or Hawaiian Wedding Song over Hound Dog is enough for me to easily say its his time to go this week.

Tim Urban
Can’t Help Falling In Love

American Idol also wants to get rid of Tim Urban. They have for three weeks. This is why he is going third. Perhaps luckily for Tim, Adam Lambert seems to just adore him! He likes his voice and guitar! Maybe Lambert knows if he gets his batshit crazy Glamberts to vote for Tim, he will easily sail through this difficult double-elimination week. Maybe he wants to make whoopee with Tim Urban, who knows. But if Adam Lambert helps TURBAN stay in the competition, more power to him.

Magic happens, bitches. Magic. Tim Urban sounds…good? No. Like, this is the best his voice has EVER sounded. I actually kind of like the way he sounds tonight, and not just the idea of TIMMEH. And then Ryan Seacrest gets some dude from the audience up to dance with him! Our world has been turned upside down. All thanks to Adam Lambert and Tim Urban.

Sure, Teflon Timmy still looks like a deer in headlights when he attempts to convey emotion and it forces me to turn away, but I’ll be damned. TIM URBAN IS UNSTOPPABLE. Ellen compares him to tequila! It’s Shit-For-Brains’ favorite Tim performance ever! I will have go a step beyond her kind of right-on critique and say its the most relevant performance of the evening. She might have made a little sense, but she still looks like a roadwhore.

Even Simon creams all over Timmeh and says he’s gone from zero to hero.

(Oh, and Ryan Seacrest was dancing with Season 8′s Michael Sarver. In a godly way, of course.)

Adam Lambert loves you, Tim Urban. Magic, baby. Magic.

Lee DeWyze
A Little Less Conversation

Adam thinks Lee needs more going on in his face. Adam is beginning to remind me of Jay Manuel in a sense, and any help these people could use in the “stage presence” category. Sigh…will Lee listen? Wait. He kind of looks like he’s having fun up there. Is he smiling? He doesn’t look like he’s gonna puke this week. Damn. Oh well. He’ll be here for awhile…

Lee shouts the lyrics with good nature. Its not really out of tune, per se, but in this rendition, it almost appears as if it would be hard to go out of tune. It’s more throaty than melodic. Its a grungy & gritty barroom version of a song which came to prominence as a posthumous electro dance mix. But its fun, I guess.

The judges adore Lee, so it doesn’t really matter if he kinda sorta just phoned this one in. But Kara thinks he needs to be looser. Funny when such advice comes from one of the true dingleberries on humanity’s the music industry’s asscrack.

When Lee talks in his talking voice, he sounds a lot like Danny Gokey, except he’s not telling us how awesome he is or that he had a wife that died. Still, his talking voice freaks me out a bit because he sounds an awful lot like Gokey when he speaks.

Aaron Kelly
Blue Suede Shoes

Adam wants Aaron to growl more. In the opening verse, Aaron rushes it a bit, but he has seemed to infuse a little more grrrrr into it. How adorable! Its a puppy dog and he’s growling. He even attempts to break it down at the end, and it becomes more bluesy. But its kind of karaoke, but in reality, how can Blue Suede Shoes NOT be karaoke? Which isn’t bad, but Aaron is like, cute little puppy dog kid.

The poor thing looks frightened to death as soon as he finishes the last note. The judges have mixed feelings on his performance, and I am not understanding how Shit-For-Brains called him “younger.” I have to agree with Simon on this one, perhaps, because it definitely was not younger. But hell, Blue Suede Shoes can’t ever really be current, can it? And no matter what the stylists will have them believe, making a skinny teenage boy push up his jacket sleeves and pop his collar NEVER gives something a more youthful vibe. Just because that midget assclown Justin Bieber (aka The Moppet of Beelzebub / The Imp of Hades)

(Adam Lambert, guess what? You’re a lot more likable when you’re not trying to be an edgy asshat in random interviews. You’re really not a bad mentor, I guess. Except for the fact you’re kind of giving all the contestants the exact same advice. Not that they all couldn’t improve on their stage presence or anything, but you know, you could get a little more personal? More technical? But as of right now, I again feel sorry for you because you have all those batshit crazy fans. This too, shall pass, but I’m gonna go with it for now.)

Siobhan Magnus
Suspicious Minds

Siobhan thought she should dress like Elvis tonight. She’s also doing one of the greatest Elvis songs of all time. Adam thinks she sounds sleepy, so he tells her to speed it up. She’s oh-so excited to meet him because she’s been compared to him. He accepts this nicely, but come on people, its because they both screech shit.

Siobhan, when dressed in her street clothes, is endearing. When she adapts her personal style for the stage, it comes out all wrong. Its difficult to explain, perhaps, but when she goes from quirky girl to quirky “glam”, it just…it just fails.

Her rendition is rather dull, as she looks like a has-been singing somebody else’s song on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon. She’s 20, yet she’s dressed like she’s 50, even though she is wearing some Elvis by way of The Fifth Element-inspired shit. She goes into gospel mode to prepare for the penultimate screech. Oh, Siobhan. I’m sorry. I really, really, really want to like you. But your performances bore me to tears. It wasn’t current. It wasn’t young. It wasn’t relevant.

Randy sounds more scripted than usual. Next. The judges are basically telling her to start screaming again. More than anything, I want to cry because I am agreeing 100% with Kara DioGuardi. Agreeing with Simon is okay, though. He thinks she’s lost her way! Sweet. Sorry. I wish I could like you more Siobhan, I really, really, really wish I could.

In her defense, Siobhan tells them she has no idea who she is or what she wants to sing. Fabulous. I get it. I might buy her album if she wasn’t doing pop music on American Idol. But she’s not Rachel Yamagata. She’s screeching shit on American Idol.

Ryan Seacrest pimps some Idol Gives Back something or another, something about Exxon. And then he slams Brian Dunkelman. No one laughs. Seacrest, oh Seacrest. You really need to find out who is screwing with your teleprompter.

Michael Lynche
In The Ghetto

Adam Lambert feels Lynche needs a little more oomph, more theatrics, more storytelling, et al. He also thinks his voice is incredible and he should go very far in the competition. Lynche was not my choice to do one of my all-time favorite Elvis songs, In The Ghetto. It’s also not the wisest decision considering Lynche really needs to do something a bit more up tempo (Eleanor Rigby not included)

Its obvious what Lynche is trying to do, but I almost wish he would dial back on the “black dude doing R&B schtick.” He did not start out this way in the competition, which made him a bit interesting, perhaps. But there was nothing enthralling about the arrangement and it did not emit a singer-songwriter vibe from the dude sitting there with an acoustic guitar. The vocals? Solid. But Big Mike’s vocals are always on point. He’s just lost much of his way trying to become what the judges want. Seriously, dude. Do you want Ruben Studdard’s career?

The judges are pressed for time so they just tell him out great he was, albeit unenthusiastically. The accolades seem to rehearsed, too pat, almost too scripted. And besides Elvis, there’s only one person I want to hear sing In The Ghetto.

(Totally called the possible pimp spot(s), btw.)

Katie Stevens
Baby What You Want Me To Do?

Every week, Smug Teen Witch piles more accessories on in a concerted effort to conceal some of that stress-induced weight gain. Her outfit is pitiful. Her attempts at looking sexy are laughable. Everything about Smug Teen Witch is a joke.

Does she have a bad voice? Not necessarily, but its nothing special. Is she bland, unimaginative and pageanty? Duh. Is China part of Asia? Every week, Katie Stevens takes the stage desperately trying to be the second coming of Kelly Clarkson. Sadly, there’s no way in hell this is going to happen. The performance is dull, overly rehearsed and like every other thing we’ve ever seen before. She’s desperately trying to appeal to Simon at this point by adding a little twang to her voice, but this kid has no clue who she is as a person, let alone a singer. And every time she tries to show her youth, she comes out looking like a spoiled child playing dress up in Mommy’s closet. Smug Teen Witch is much like how I imagine Suri Cruise will be during puberty.

Randy likes it. Ellen thinks her performance was horny. Shit-For-Brains says something inconsequential. Simon calls her loud and annoying. YAY SIMON! Then the pompous adolescent has the audacity to admit she’s begging for votes as she pleads to the audience at home. Smug Teen Witch, please allow me to quote Elvis. You’re the devil in disguise.

(Ryan Seacrest might be on something tonight. Or he is having a Ron Burgundy-style meltdown. The dude may have lost it.)

Casey James
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

One must hand it to Casey James for choosing a somewhat obscure songs each and every week. It’s working for him, as he lands in this week’s pimp spot. Casey’s Southern blues,jam band sensibilities are coming into their own at the right time on the Idol stage. Is he unlike anything you’ve ever seen before? Oh hell no, but neither is Crystal Bowersox. You could see either one of them (and Lee DeWyze) in a bar near your house (and a lot of shittier soundalikes, too) if you so desired. And these are the ones to beat at this stage in the competition.

It constantly amuses me that American Idol has been very clear on who they wanted to win Season 8, yet this season has been nothing about guitar-driven singer-songwriter pop rock. Anyway…Casey’s performance is not revelatory, but its solid. It’s both fun and boring! (No, Randy! Don’t use the word I used!) You can’t really challenge this guy for doing the same thing over and over again, when frankly, he is delivering similar performances week after week. If you’re going to tell him to move out of his comfort zone, than you should do the same for Ms. Bowersox.

While Adam Lambert didn’t really change the way the game is being played while offering his skills as a mentor, would anyone’s at this point? Has anyone’s ever done so? We only see a few minutes of what might only be a few minutes of uh, mentoring. If the goal was for the contestants to improve upon their stage presence, then we had a couple of winners. Lee DeWyze did not look nauseous. And Tim Urban revealed more confidence and talent than he had previously in the competition. If he survives this week, he may no longer be a running joke but a viable contender for the Idol crown.

Who do you think will be the two contestants eliminated this week? Ok. Allow me to rephrase that — who do you think will be sent packing alongside Andrew Garcia? Aaron Kelly may be in the most danger, but Tim Urban isn’t out of the woods yet. But let’s not forget Siobhan Magnus and Smug Teen Witch who both delivered sub-par performances this week. It may just be Katie Stevens’ time to return to her sleepy Connecticut town. You wouldn’t really want her to miss her prom now, would you?

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