Here is Kris Allen and Megan being funny…

Megan with Lil Rounds, Lil Rounds’ weave, and Allison Iraheta all made up…

Here is Megan and Adam Lambert. More proof Adam Lambert would be a lot better looking if he just chilled on the makeup…

Megan and Anoop Desai. Weren’t they rumored to be dating or something?

Of course, I’ve saved the best for last. Its our favorite of all Season 8 Idols (even Kris Allen) — it’s QUATTO THE MOLE!!! Quatto is resplendent in his glorious beauty. It almost makes me forget Quatto Host Matt Giraud’s part-time plaything Alexis Grace is in the photo.

Oh, Quatto. I miss you so much. So many old feelings came flooding back when I saw this photo of you. Some things just never die. My love for you is one of them.

Spread the word. Do it.

Shoshanah attended last season’s finale and had some very funny experiences, mainly her encounters with Joel McHale and Sir Normund Gentle. Hopefully, when you read this fantastic I-Was-THERE tale, you will be transported back to last May.

Enjoy, my friends! Enjoy!

Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight was seriously the most unbelievable thing I have ever experienced. It only slightly beats out my televised hug with David Archuleta. Okay, well, you can’t really compare the two Idol experiences, but, man! WHAT A FRAKING NIGHT!

First off, I got to ditch pretty much all of school. Awesome. We had 8 tickets from the loverly folks at On Camera Audiences (my mom got them on 2 e-mails), so in attendance were myself, my two younger sisters, my grandparents, and each of our friends. After we left and returned because I’d forgotten my ID halfway there, we arrived at about 12 PM — the cutoff time was 1:30 PM. This made no difference. The line went so far, it was insane. I think we might have walked a mile until we finally got to the end of the line. But before that happened, in the parking structure, we were making our way out and saw the one, the only, NORMAN GENTLE! (Nick Mitchell if you want to get technical—the outfit wasn’t on.) My sister pointed him out, so I called out, “NORMAN GENTLE!” and he turned around and we waved! He was so nice! He waved back and asked us if we were going to the show. When we said yes, he told us, “I wish I could watch with you, I’m so nervous!” So I said “Good luck!” and he thanked me! YAY NORMAN GENTLE!

And since the area we saw him in was the “Talent check-in”, we also saw Queen Latifah getting out of her limo, looking like she knew what she was doin’, mmmmmhmm! Haha no seriously. You would have said the same thing if you were there, it is just the only way to describe her.

Anyway, back to the line. We must have waited about an hour, because by the time we got in line it was about 12:20, and I remember getting our tickets at 1:30. They had this girl dressed as a bowling pin riding in a black convertible and dancing around in order to get people to go to Lucky Strike during the break and basically just making a fool out of herself. We also encountered a woman groveling for extra tickets for the two extra people she brought with her (sound familiar?). Then we just kinda talked about TV and moped about not being able to go to the Idols concert or the Demi Lovato/David Archuleta concert last summer. Then we got our tickets and went to L.A. Live. OH RIGHT, and while we were in line, I saw Casey Carlson. You know, that pretty brunette chick with the boobs who kind of just made it to the Top 36 because of her looks? Yeah. Turns out, she was groveling for extra tickets for her friends. Apparently, she hadn’t had enough pull to get them into tonight’s show, even though they’d gone last night. To quote Regina George: “Oh, BOO, you whore.”

Since it was sooo fraking hot, we went into Starbucks b/c (a) it was AIR-CONDITION ED (b) it had cold beverages and (c) it had a restroom. And lo and behold, smack in the middle of the packed coffeehouse is Haley “Hot Legs” Scarnato (8^th place, season 6; I was actually at the taping the night she got eliminated… awkward). We waved and said hi and what-not and then I jetted off to find some friends while everyone crossed their legs and waited to pee. While I was jetting off to see said friends, I passed by Blake Lewis. I was running, and he looked like he was about to run too, so I just kinda yelled, “HEY BLAKE!” but my voice cracked so it was quite the fail. He waved anyway.

So on my way to and from L.A. Live, I saw these nice, new Fords, and figured that they for sure were for Kris and Adam; you know, those new cars Ford always grants the final 2. I asked the models-in-Ford-uniform and they confirmed it. Though there were 2 Flexes and 2 Focuses, so I didn’t really know which were theirs. Right smack in the middle of L.A. Live/right in front of the theater entrance, they had a whole long and winding red carpet set up, complete with cameras and a starting point involving Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell.

I only saw a few not-so-famous people grace the carpet, including Kimberley Locke (3^rd place, season 2), Diana DeGarmo (runner-up, season 3), and Blake Lewis. Also on the red carpet were Casey Carlson, Kristen McNamara aka that blondie in Nathaniel Marshall’s group, Kendall Beard aka the poor man’s Pickler, and Emily Hughes aka the awesome rocker chick with the pinkish hair and tattoos who messed up in Hollywood. And get this: her dress was—I kid you not—a cluster of grapes. She was wearing hardly any purple material as the dress, made out of 6-inch circles, and then the shoulder strap was a green leaf. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Expect it in your favorite trash mag’s “Worst Dressed” section. Oh, yeah, and Stoner J was floating around (I love that kid). He seemed to not know how to get onto the red carpet at first. Typical. I also met him last week at the Grove. Thought I’d brag.

After we discovered that no one of any real importance was walking down the red carpet, we sat and waited for the heat to die down and to be let in, whichever came first. I kept hearing screams erupt, and they were usually due to some camera poking its way through some fantards, but sometimes it was because a new past Idol had graced the carpet, so I went up and asked this family if anyone new had come out. They said no, and didn’t even know who the people were up there, so I explained. I also told them that I’d seen Jason Castro around, to which the mom, who must have been in her forties, said, “Ooh, that’s the hottie with the dreads!” Yes, ladies and gentlefolk, I met a cougar today. I’m not very proud of this.

And while we were waiting to go inside, we saw two past freaky auditioners — the guy who sipped from Paula’s straw and the guy with the really deep voice (who we later came to learn is named Elijah Scarlett)! It was TOO FUNNY! Germ Violation Man was pretty damn creepy, though… he kept licking his lips/chomping on his tongue, and it was really fraking strange. Dude has issues.

Anyway, so we finally get in, and we’re all like, okay, mezzanine, that’s not so bad, right? So we get up to the second floor, and it’s called LOGE. Not mezzanine… LOGE. Mezzanine was on the THIRD FLOOR, in the fraking NOSEBLEEDS. My gosh. It was so my grandparents’ fault for making them give us aisle seats but whatever. At least we were in the fourth row and not the back. We were still far enough away that we couldn t really make out any facial expressions. But whatever. WE WERE THERE.

So we got there with like a half hour to spare before we were placed on lockdown, so I convinced everyone to try and sneak into the orchestra section. On our way out, we saw Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (which I don’t watch) standing on our floor! No idea why she was sitting so high up since she is famous and all that. But anyway, she is GORGEOUS and a girl in our group totally wanted to take a picture with her but was too embarrassed, so we ended up dragging her over and then running after her in the opposite direction. Sophia did catch all this and must’ve though we were psychopaths. She waved, though. I waved back. And promptly told this girl she was an idiot.

So we went downstairs. Saw Kris Allen’s adorable parents, though Mama Allen’s dress didn’t suit her, but whatever, she’s cute, so it doesn’t matter. Didn’t see Katy Allen. Oh, well. And it turns out you need to actually be sitting in a seat in the orchestra section to barge in there. Go figure. So after we went upstairs, Cory The Warm-Up Guy came out and did his shtick. I told my friend which dance moves he was gonna make everyone do, and lo and behold, I was right! (This is what happens when you have seen said shtick… what is it, 7 times now? Not all of them Idol. He was also at other shows.) Saw some girls who clearly thought they were Kristy Lee Cook since they were wearing silver glitter tops. Then, the SHOW STARTED! Ryan of course did his whole dramatic crap, and they rolled the footage, and THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! WOOOOHOOOO! AHHHHH! Of course, we start off with a craptastic group sing rendition of Pink’s So What. I want to murder the people who choose these songs. Pink is not group-sing-able! She’s too awesome!

Then David Cook performed Permanent, which is a seriously gorgeous song. And the fact that he was getting all misty-eyed as he said “Forgive the promise that you’ll never see me cry”…. Just. Wow. *applause* I feel like anything I say now will ruin it. So, moving on.

They have those award thingers, the Golden Idols, they call them, and they give out the best male one to (surprise) Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle. And he pretends like it’s a surprise only I know before everyone realizes thirty seconds later that he totally knows so I feel cool. And then he breaks out into his Normund Gentle general awesomeness that would have revolted me to see actually make it as far as the top 13 but severely entertained me from his audition onward.

Then Anoop comes forward and starts singing I’m Yours and I think, Crap! This is so where Jason Mraz comes in! WHY do they have to keep dumping this song on everyone?? And is Anoop really worthy of singing with Jason Mraz? (No.) And just in case I wasn’t shocked enough, ALEXIS GRACE of all people comes out and joins Anoop in this fest of repeated songs. And then Jason Mraz joins them with his uber awesomeness and I swear I see Anoop step back a little out of total respect. But yeah. Me and my friend, who totally came JUST to see Jason Mraz, are pretty pissed. Jason Mraz deserves at least a real duet like Kris and Keith Urban.

Does anyone else see the irony in two married men singing I Wanna Kiss a Girl? Whatever. Loved it. Although I still am mad at Keith Urban for being the “Australian Country Singer.” Can we just call him pop and get it over with? So THEN. The 5 girls sing Glamorous by Fergie, and then she comes out and sings that stupid Big Girls Don’t Cry song that she thinks is sooo deep but is really still a club song. But whatever, Fergie’s a decent singer and a decent performer. This is the second Idol show I’ve seen her at and I have yet to be disappointed.

OH HEYYY the Black Eyed Peas! This Boom Boom Pow business is annoying, yes, but live, it is FRAKING AWESOME. Of course, I can’t stand up, because these random bitches two rows back don’t want us to stand up because we’ll block their view. Why can’t they just stand up with us? I don’t know. One of them had a surgical mask on, but I saw her standing up once, and the bitch who kept asking us to sit down was capable of standing up to tell us to never stand up again, so they were just being lame-ass party poopers. They even threw something at my friend’s head because she dared to rock with the rest of the audience. WTF.

Right, so, after the Black Eyed Peas, they continue with these “Golden Idols”, and of course Katrina Darrell, aka Bikini Girl, has to make an appearance, so she wins this category. And here she comes, sporting the bikini… and some new boobs. This provides Ryan Seacrest with his best line ever– “I was going to ask you what’s new, but, um… now I know.” And then, he asks her to sing, and she does, badly, and then Kara has to come out and one-up her in both voice and body. Ugh. She claims it’s for charity, but we all know she did it for the satisfaction of showing up Bikini Girl. Whatever it was, I was cracking up the whole time at the fact that I was actually witnessing such shit.

Next up is Allison Iraheta aka La Princesa with the awesome Cyndi Lauper, during whose introduction I spot David Archuleta in the corner of the screen and consequently (and INVOLUNTARILY, I might add) shriek “DAVID!” at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was in the highest balcony so he couldn’t hear me… I hope. Anyway. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper were awesome. At this point, I notice that La Princesa is seriously rocking tonight, in the group sings and her duet and just overall. I love that girl. She really should have beat Gokey out. It’s not fair.

Speaking of Gokey, he’s next with the whole Lionel Richie medley thinger. I demand to know who he thinks he is when he starts Hello but then I realize he didn’t do horribly. And he’s not half bad, which reminds me that there is some reason why he used to be one of my favorites back at the beginning of the top 13. It just seems really… long. I don’t know. (That’s what she said.)

Then we prepare for the epicness that is KISS. When Adam starts, we’re all whispering to each other, “WTF is he wearing”? But then the sheet drops and we see Kiss in all their black-and-white-face-paint, metal-wearing, tongue-wagging glory with the pyrotechnics behind them and then suddenly Adam looks underdressed. And I totally missed the guitar smash because I was distracted by the fireworks show behind it. Fail. Oh, right, and I tried standing for this epic performance, but the bitches 2 rows back protested way too much once again. Fraking killjoys.

Okay so I LOVED seeing Santana because frankly he is God, but Matt Giraud (Quatto Host/Moley) hardly sang anything, and then they had to go into a group sing of Smooth which we have only heard 20,000 times. Was Black Magic Woman seriously not famous enough? Though seeing Jorge be all smiley and awesome was so worth it! AHH! I love Jorge and his awesome attitude and cute accent and that business.

And their final Ford video? Those Kradam nuts for sure went nuttier. Just saying. Okay. Now WTF was up with the Steve Martin banjo business? And Megan and Michael Sarver asking each other awkwardly in singsong to make love with each other? (Sorry, that’s what I gathered.) And I really don’t know how people managed to laugh when Steve said he hoped he would win when Ryan asked, because I so saw that coming.

Then we had the guys do a group sing of Rod Stewart. Love it when they wear the suits. Most of ‘em tend to look really hot in suits. I remember how funny seeing Stoner J in a suit was. And then Rod Stewart and his old guy awesomeness. I mean, he’s so awesome he got a total solo.

And then we get to see Tatiana be annoying again. Ryan manages to remind me of my government teacher when he tells her to sit down. Awkward. So during this commercial break where Tatiana is hogging the stage (and gets off right after the theme music goes, of course), they begin to roll out a drum set. Sophia Bush Embarrassment Girl (who does have a name and I know her well but you don’t so yeah) says to me, “Look! Daughtry’s performing!” which makes me freak out and then get mad and makes her laugh. Then, my friend squints at the bass drum and says, “I think it says ‘Queen’.” This makes me have a small heart attack, as I was joking the night before about how fraking awesome it would be if Adam fronted Queen for his Epic Duet. I squint at the drum, too, but I can’t really make out what it says because it’s reflecting too much light and we’re so far away. And then, I see it… and it says Queen. Queen. MOTHERFRAKING QUEEN, PEOPLE.As in one of my FAVORITE BANDS OF ALL TIME.

And then whaddya know, after the break, Kradam starts We Are the Champions, and then the partition lifts and there’s Brian May in all his Rock Godness, and I’m sitting there not breathing and fanning myself with what’s left of my ticket vouchers and screaming like a fangirl and taking in this epicness of epic proportions. And of course, I try standing up, but those bitches behind us yell, “OH MY GOD! SO DISRESPECTFUL!” and I’m like IT’S QUEEN, YOU DUMB BITCHES! But to no avail. I really hate them.

So when Ryan announces that Kris won, which I predicted after Moley Matty got the boot, it was so not as exciting. Sorry, Kris, I’m happy for you and all, but your win was no surprise Queen performance. (Wow, Word totally wanted me to capitalize ‘performance’. They know how epic Queen is, too.) Oh, right, and The Bitches STILL wouldn’t allow us to stand up. But everyone in front of them, even the row behind us who listened to them the whole time, was like FUCK YOU, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL, I WILL STAND, DAMMIT.

We left during Kris’s final performance of Kara’s shit song, and looked in the orchestra section to see RAINING CONFETTI like at the end of every Lakers game and after Idol Gives Back did last year, of which I have a piece (DON’T LAUGH). We randomly saw Jeff Probst (yes, he is the host of Survivor) walking out, and since we couldn’t find my grandmother, who kinda rushed out after the big news since she hates crowds, we waited by that same talent check-in place, which was right across the street from the venue, so I saw Bo Bice walking around and waving, and then saw Normund Gentle again! So I said hi again and told him he did a good job and he was all nice and stuff.

I also saw Joel McHale from The Soup as he was coming out of the men’s room over there, so I motioned to my sister and we went up to him and told him we loved his show. He told us he loved our show (ha, ha) and my sister, who is very dorky around famous people, told him that we didn’t have a show. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.) Joel saw my pad of paper and pen (don’t ask) and took it and signed “Ryan Seacrest” and told me to sell it for thousands of dollars. And then he signed his real name on the next page, and asked me my name. When I told him (it’s Shoshanah), he went, “aw, jeez”, and spelled out “Sho-sean-na” and wrote “Hi!” and drew a heart. And then we talked to him about his show and my sister told him she loves when the guy shoots him, and Joel and I corrected her that he shoots Dave (I mean, hello) and then we went to the car, found my grandmother, and I got to communicate with the outside world again (aka I got my cell phone back).

YAY I’M DONE! (Sorry about the lengthiness!)

Spread the word. Do it.

Sorry, bitch. Not gonna happen. Neil Patrick Harris already has a best girlfriend.

The amount of awesomeness in the above photo is almost enough to restore my hope in at least a minute portion of humanity.

NPH wants to shatter the dreams of thousands. LOVE HIM.

Julie Kevelighan
I’ve never seen this Julie chick before, but I guess she tried out way back in Season 1, when Idol was still operating out of a Ramada Inn ballroom off the last stretch of the LBJ Freeway. Now if you tried out in Season 1…wouldn’t it be safe to assume you would be too old to audition now…or almost too old?

Explain this to me: Who the hell puts on that much frosted eye shadow and wears a sequin mini-dress, yet forgets to put in EARRINGS?

My first problem was the bottom line of your sign. The letters just get real small at the end. It seems like you just wanted to start over.

NPH. I love you. You make me wish I had a penis and track lighting. Julie might be a little big cray cray, as indicated by security coming out…and she does the walk of shamiest shame in her turquoise sequin dress…still singing Black Velvet.

Lloyd Thomas
Hey, the guy behind him…to the right…he was included in Hollywood’s I Wanna Be Adam Lambert Montage, right? Lloyd is kind of funny. He’s also got two daughters and grew up in the projects. Since I have already seen his children and inside his home, as well as the airline dock he works (This would most likely be for American Airlines), I am pretty sure he makes it to Hollywood. I can also deduce that he must have turned 29 sometime in the summer, after his first audition. Plus, Idol always gives EARLY love to black dudes who can sing Stevie Wonder.

This guy’s working the docks with this voice.

Kara DioGuardi. STFU. STFU. There are talented people everywhere. I bet the woman you employ as your housekeeper is a better singer than you. You wouldn’t know talent if your doctor spelled it out for you on your forehead in Botox.

Kimberly Carver
Schoolteacher Kimberly has a solid voice, but Simon thinks she is uninteresting and old-fashioned. And too jazzy. Perhaps because she is not petite and stereotypically “cute” (One of Simon’s major character flaws is that he often thinks with his wanker, hence why the world was exposed to the likes of Kellie Pickler). Randy thinks she’s great. NPH disagrees with Simon, which is apparently the overarching theme of the the first half of tonight’s episode, and Shit-For-Brains loves her. So Kimberly is going to Hollywood.

Tonight continues to be oddly quotable. Or I’m just in a mood to call out actual quotes.

They totally overrode him! And thank god for Neil Patrick Harris! I’m gonna have to go back and watch Doogie Howser again.

(NOOOOOOOO. Fast forward. NOOOOOOOOO. NO MORE VALENTINE’S DAY AKA THE STUPIDEST MOVIE EVER MADE FEATURING JULIA ROBERTS AKA THE MOST HEINOUS LAUGH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.)

Back to the show…filler crap about the media and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Malnourished Casper Twat. We meet again.

Dexter Ward
And another quote worthy of transcription.

I’m just being honest. This show is over.

Well, duh. I wasn’t sure about the actual words Dexter was singing, until the chorus at least, but its always a joy to watch people rub themselves during the audition rounds of American Idol. Awwww…Dexter started crying when he left. Gave me the momentary sads. Cue the…

MONTAGE OF PROBABLY TALENTED PEOPLE LACKING SAD ENOUGH BACK STORIES HAVING THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS DASHED

Every time before and after Oskar takes a dump in his litter box, he runs around like a mad man (And since he is the Don Draper of cats). It is very predictable. This is how I feel about American Idol. It operates with similar regularity and revolves around crap.

Seacrest goes “backstage” during the break to talk to NPH. Why? Because the world just wants to see more of NPH.

Erica Rhodes
Erica Rhodes is a grad student AND an actress…she started as a very young child. Homegirl was on Barney & Friends!

Erica wears stupid fingerless black fishnet gloves for no apparent reason. She is also arrogant as all hell and obviously thinks she has this bullshit locked up. Her conceit is a huge turnoff and she screams PLANT. She wants to show people she has grown up, because she assumes people remember her from Barney & Friends. My nieces and nephew had that crap when they were toddlers so I saw a few of these videos way back in the day. I don’t remember any of the children standing out. They were all interchangeable.

Then she shows up in a dominatrix outfit. Poser. I pretty much hate this bitch. She gives S&M a bad name. And for frak’s sake, this bitch has been riding Barney’s dino tail for years! She gets her golden ticket and her stage mother goes crazy. She’s been waiting for that golden ticket since her little girl was in diapers. Since Barney didn’t mean success, she went out and bought her daughter some fetish clothes for her Idol audition.

OMG FINALLY A SOB STORY I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED ON AMERICAN IDOL

Dave Pittman
He’s from Arkansas and he has Tourette’s Syndrome. TOURETTE’S SYNDROME. YESSSSSS! Wait…did Taylor Hicks have Tourette’s? I kid, I kid. I actually liked Hicks on the show. Dave has Tourette’s but it doesn’t have him. At least it doesn’t have him when he sings. It’s kind of like my one sister, who has epilepsy (which sucks). She also has restless leg syndrome, however, it stops when she’s playing a slot machine. Oddly enough, she is not blood-related to my mother, who, does not care about eating when she plays a slot machine. I don’t get it. Neither does my father. We hate slot machines.

I’ve always wanted to see someone with Tourette’s on Idol, so I think about how it would be cool to see him singing why SYTYCD Season 5′s Twitch dances and it makes me feel bad. But just for a second.

On that happy note, we get the MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO MADE IT AND ARE HAPPY. I just want to see more of this chick’s pepaw.

And onward to Day 2…I’m gonna miss you NPH. So is this the Jonas Brother who got married and didn’t like sex? Or is this one of the remaining virgins?

I guess Joe Jonas is kind of cute. Like, if I was 13, I would totally want him to stick his tongue down my throat. But as a 32-year-old, I would like to see him play the youthful version of Peter Gallagher in a random movie. Because I’ve always had a slight obsession with Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows. And Joe Jonas totally has Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

Todrick Hall
Spoilers suggest Todrick Hall made it to the Top 24. Todrick was in The Color Purple with Fantasia (Hey…wasn’t that on Broadway?) and has a bit of an allegedly shady past. Todrick sings an (original) little ditty about himself…and the judges. In all honesty, its kind of clever and mildly cute, yet its altogether cloying and I cringe when he talks about getting on his knees in his $300 jeans.

Todrick also has connection to Season 4′s Vonzell Soloman and is recognized as Hood Helper. One look at this guy’s resume tells me he does not need American Idol. About the allegedly shady past? Some people have cried foul on a now-defunct children’s production Todrick was running in Tennessee, one where parents paid cash to him for their kid’s involvement. It never materialized. Which makes him singing about getting on his knees in his $300 jeans even ickier.

Some other people make it. I think this chick’s necklace got a golden ticket, too.

And thwarting the Castro family’s need for mass exposure, Michael Castro makes it through to Hollywood (for a second time) with no chyron telling the nation just who he is and that his brother was once a fourth runner up on the very same show. (Does the shoutout for being an Adam Lambert wannabe last night count?)

And since this season is ALL ABOUT THE GIRLS…

Stephanie Daulong…Ke$ha?

Maegan Wright
I don’t think I’m gonna like this one…she’s 20, from Richardson, Texas, has a name which really doesn’t work when spelled oddly, and…

My parents are divorced. They got divorced five years ago. They’re both remarried. I have my little brother. It’s just me and him.

Okay. This is a sorry bunch of crock. She wisely brought the little brother along to pump up her sob story factor, which is totally just pushing it. Lots of people get divorced and somehow, I don’t think you and your little brother were thrown out on the streets. You weren’t riding the trains with Orphan Boy Chris Golightly. The little brother and her seem to have rehearsed an entire act in preparation for her audition, as he speaks in a put-upon monotone characteristic of children who are attempting to lie or to act and yet have little talent for either.

Maegan also needs to lighten up her eyebrows if she’s gonna bleach her hair, but whatever, I’ve seen worse. Although it is kind of less acceptable seeing that she is a cosmetologist and all. I still don’t buy her brother-sister act for one moment, but I guess her voice is passable enough. She does some little trill thing I’m not fond of, and once she gets going, she gets all belty diva-like. I am pretty sure if I hear more, I might dislike her more, because chances are, she will do that shit all the time…and hello? She totally had a dad and a step-dad there. Or at least a dad and an uncle. Just you and your little brother, my ass.

Vanessa Johnson
I don’t know I love this girl or if she scares the hell out of me. Once she starts belting out Etta James’ At Last (which I usually don’t ever want to see), I kind of love her. Except for all the pink, I would totally sing audition like this chick. Because I have zero vocal ability.

Because of this, and her natural exuberance, I actually like Vanessa Johnson. Obviously, we probably won’t ever see her again, but I still liked her mucho.

Some other crap happens…seems like there were a lot of people with doll heads.

Christian Spears
She had Leukemia as a child. And now she is 16. She is also singing some Etta James. We already know she is good and is going to make it as, she had Leukemia, we saw the inside of her house, met her mother, and she is closing out the show. OMG SHE IS 16. Kara spouts off some nonsense. Simon calls her brave.  I’m so utterly bored. She says she has yet to find a better feeling than winning the golden ticket and all I can think is uh, hello? What about the day you found out you were in remission? Or what about when you were out of remission? A golden ticket from American Idol is better than that?

I am so utterly bored. And I have to start the SOTU an hour late. Thanks, American Idol! And hey, did that Joe Jonas kid talk? I totally don’t remember.

Spread the word. Do it.

KILLER!!! AND she basically confirmed the rumored Casper-Giraud (RIP QUATTO) hookup, as well as the fact Casper is a bitter wench. She also got to see the awesome Charles Browder, aka HBD’s BFF and kind of knows those shirtless cheerleader dudes.

I live in MS, and I am 28 yrs old.  During the show I liked Kradison, and I really really really don’t like Danny.   The people I went to the show with liked Kradison, except for my friends mom, who likes Danny (her prev Idol favs include Clay and Archie).

When we got to the Fed Ex forum, one of the first people we ran into is Alexis Grace.  She was headed up the elevator to the suites and stopped to take pics with a gaggle of girls.  She was even tinier than I expected.  She also lost the pink crap out of her hair(hallelujah).  My friend who lives in Memphis says that Alexis has been on a morning show since she got kicked off Idol.  The radio station was running a contest to sit in a suite with her during the show.  We were surprised to see her coming down to the floor and take seats in the row in front of us during Sarver’s set(at least something noteworthy happened during Sarver’s set).  She stayed there for the rest of the show, which was weird because we thought she was going to be in a suite with the contest winners.  I would say they were lucky, because she had a total bitch-face going on everytime I saw her.  Sure, she posed for a few pics during intermission, but I don’t recall her smiling or seeming excited-she should be so lucky that people want to take a pic with her.  Maybe she misses Quatto.  Alexis did get a shout out during the first half group number, I believe with Matt saying something like “We love you Alexis Grace.” All I have to say is, Alexis=bitter and it showed.

[Attached are the pics I got of Alexis on the floor.  You can see Sarver on stage in one of the photos]

The next odd thing we saw was during intermission.  My cousin noticed that people were stopping this random guy to take pics on the stairs leading down to the floor.  We realize when he gets down to the floor that is Kris’ brother.  He is also sitting on the row in front of us.   I wonder, do other Idol siblings get this?  I could understand Scott’s seeing-eye-brother since he kinda has to be there…Why would you want a pic with an Idol relative?  To his credit, he seemed pretty cool about it(cooler than Alexis Grace).  Then Kris’ bro and his entourage moved directly in front of us, just hanging out.  He has some very hot guys with him, so we oogled for the rest of intermission.  Turns out, the group of guys is from the pic you posted of Adam + shirtless cheerleaders.  And if anyone is interested, I used to work with Katy Allen’s cousin by marriage, so if anyone wants a pic with him, I can totally hook ya’ll up.

Speaking of Katy, she came out to the floor during Kris’ set.  It wasnt hard to miss her long blonde hair.  She is also tinier than I thought she would be, which then made me realize how truly tiny Kris is!  She came and hung out next to this big ol’dude who was losing it for Kris anbout 3 rows in front of us.  He was essentially trying to do a headbanging of sorts in the isle.  We spent a lot of time laughing at him.

Sitting directly in front of us were a group of 15 yr olds we I thought might faint when Adam came on stage.   They screamed for him everythime his picture came up prior to the show…they even screamed if they saw his hair, eyes, or mouth when they replayed that Ford commercial where they mis-matched everyone’s face.  Adam by far got the best reception.  I am also proud to say that people didn’t seem to like Danny as much as I thought they would.  I did not see anyone doing hand hearts (thank God because I might have gotten violent).  Also, no one threw Adam any bras on stage.  Memphis was pretty chill, but I expected that.

During intermission, I did manage to see a few freaks in home made Adam shirts.  There was one older lady, I couldnt get all of her shirt, but it said GLAM IS THE NEW BLACK.  She is the one in the photo with the black girl in her own Adam shirt.  Then there were the girls a few rows in front of us with Adam shirts that were better than the creepy one AI sells for $35 bucks.  When we were leaving, I spotted the lone Matt fan, this huge girl in a fedora.  I was so sad that I didn’t get a pic of her…but the gods were smiling down on me, and she and her friend happened to be sitting in front of us and I got a pic of sad fedora girl from behind.

If you have any questions about anything, let me know.  I am attaching pics, and linking to all of the photos I took.  I actually had a lot from the begining of the show, but they all turned out bad, so I deleted them.  I think some of the Adam ones are pretty hilarious though!  And I am attaching the douchebag Danny “worship me” pose haha!

Here are some of my absolute FAVORITE shots from Stark Vegas. She’s a good photographer, isn’t she?

Blind Guy is wearing a fedora. They say its for the dueling piano act between him and Matt Giraud, however, I know a black fedora is akin to wearing a black armband. RIP QUATTO THE MOLE!!! (And I didn’t post any of Giraud because he killed Quatto!!!)

Anoop is wearing hipster glasses for one of his songs?

I can kind of feel the love between Anoop and Tattooed Mormon Joy, can’t you? She is so beautiful. This scene almost melted my icy little heart.

Adam Lambert! Adam Lambert! She had a good many of these but I think these two were definite standouts…although I’m sure I could find others. Of course, I would probably then be forced to endure Glambert wrath for the rest of the week and frankly…

And here is some Gokey…on his pulpit…

OMG I CAN SOOOOOO FEEL THE GODLY LOVE RIGHT NOW!!!!

LA PRINCESA DEL MARIACHI!!!

Oh, yes…I almost forgot about that nitwit Alexis Grace. Yawn.

And let’s throw in one of Kris Allen to finish things up, shall we? After all, the kid won the damn thing.

Everyone give StarkVegas a big round of applause! Her and D.B. Cooper have my eternal accolades and gratitude, as they should YOURS. You, too, can have such wonderful praise if you send me a big fat recap.

Spread the word. Do it.

At this point everyone had forgotten about Neda, an innocent girl whose death during a protest in Iran was watched by millions. They also forget about Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, who also died. And David Carradine, who had died a week before in Thailand, although there probably was no Lady Boy involved, it was still a bit… Somewhere along this crazy timeline of events, I gave a drunken monologue in a French restaurant while wearing heals, had to see a one-woman show about Judy Garland with my Gaysian (Pearl Cream), smoked a bunch of cigarettes and even went to one of those cute little cupcake bakeries. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was becoming the poor man’s Carrie Bradshaw 10 years too late.

Anyway, I digress. If the last week has proven one thing its that humans, just like Idol contestants and Fox programming execs, hate saying goodbye. So hey, why not re-air this year’s Top 13 episode showcasing the songs of Michael Jackson? Call it a tribute while making a few extra bucks. And what perfect timing? That little tour they do every summer where batshit crazy women enduring menopausal hot flashes give these young male karaoke singers homemade shirts, puffy-painted Bibles and stuffed bears is kicking off on Saturday.

I was really hoping for a bit of new content in tonight’s rerun. If VH1 and NBC can get some specials together, the least Idol can do is put Seacrest’s narration about Jackson in past tense. But I try not to expect much out of certain things, especially Idol, and right now I’m just really hoping they don’t cut La Princesa del Mariachi’s adorable comment about not being a cutter after her awesomely sick & fabulous rendition of Give In To Me.

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Lil Rounds, your family was so adorable yet you were always so damn boring. You would think all that tornado shit would make you more interesting. Anyway, this was before they started outfitting Lil with proper wigs and / or extensions. Personally, over the last several days, I was reminded time and time again how The Way You Make Me Feel is just an all-around incredible pop song. In so many ways, it IS a perfect pop song.

Sadly, it is not so when Lil Rounds does it, even if you take away the distraction of the angelic chiffon eunuch top (Hey…wouldn’t an angel with one wing be a eunuch of sorts?), it still is soooooo karaoke. I mean, I can’t sing for shit, but when I do karaoke, you get a show. What I lack in vocal prowess I make up for with exceptional performance skills.

Wow, this was kind of worse than I remember. Perhaps because it was the first all-finalist episode of the season and I first watched it so long ago and am now sitting here knowing how it all went down, or maybe because I’ve heard The Way You Make Me Feel about 20x over the past 5 days.

Oh Jesus Christ. I just realized I had completely forgotten about the shrill horror known as Kara DioGuardi. Like, I just blocked her out of my memory and then I hear her voice, and it just all comes back…Studio 57…the piss-poor counting skills…the who are you as an artist? questions…ugh…going to pour myself a Captain & Diet Pepsi.

I have no idea what these judges are hearing. Perhaps once I get more intimate with my Captain, I will maybe understand their ludicriousness, but that might take a lot of booze and I have to work tomorrow.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Oh, Blind Guy, if it weren’t for the fact you had to sing a lot, I would adore you. You’re super-educated and some sort of genius, plus, you displayed throughout your Idol run a very twisted sense of humor. Oh. And props for not telling people about that kidney transplant.

Even though Jacko croaked, I still have not heard Keep The Faith. Ooooh. I totally forgot about Blind Guy walking around aimlessly on stage, which is adorable because its Blind Guy, and he never gave a rat’s ass.

Blah blah blah, Shit-For-Brains what I love about you is your message needs to just go somewhere very far away. Like Hades. Speaking of Hades, its kind of hot here and I think the ice in my Jesus Juice is melting too fast…does this mean I need to drink it faster?

It’s fine being artistic. Just not on this show.

Ah yes, how could I forget about that lovely Simon quote?

Ryan takes us to another break and says the pressure is on for Danny and Michael. I literally scrunched up my face in confusion and mouthed, Michael? Who? Oh yeah. Michael Sarver. Roughneck dude who was good for Armageddon quotes but that’s about it because he’s a sanctimonious Jesus freak who might harbor a deep amount of homophobia.

Ah, now I’ve seen the only piece of new content, a bump saying In Memory of Michael Jackson. And then I have to see Gokey dancing around a bunch of his relatives. (For some reason, I think tonight’s rerun may bomb ratings-wise, but that’s just something which occurred to me that I felt like typing.)

Danny Gokey
PYT

Was it really smart to re-air this In Memory of Michael Jackson when its just kind of uh, bastardizing his memory even more so? The man hasn’t even been given a funeral yet and they’re already re-playing bastardized versions of his songs on national TV.

With badly-dancing bastards, no less.

Ha. Paula. You’re not a psychic! (Or everyone decided they hated Gokey and didn’t want him in the finals. Yeah…I think that’s what happened, right?)

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I think you’re on your way to the finals.

Yummm…Jesus Juice! Randy says something about wanting to see all those surprising new things Gokey has to offer every week and I almost choke on my Jesus Juice. But I quickly recover, in fact, I am forced to take a huge gulp when Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi starts yapping.

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I didn’t mind this guy at first because he just seemed like your average aw-shucks guy from Texas who works on an oil rig. Although I don’t know many of those so I’m probably just going by what I have seen in movies. And since it was obvious he wasn’t going to go much past ninth or tenth place, there really wasn’t much reason to think about him. Sadly, now when I look at him, I just think douchebag. And his mouth is absolutely huge. He must have like 38 teeth or something.

Again, Fox, how is this an appropriate tribute to Michael Jackson? Everyone has SUCKED. I don’t even know if Joe Jackson would sign these asshats to his record label. Shit-For-Brains, SHUT UP. You are driving me to drink.

(And all this Idol-ness is making me slack on my online-monitoring of WSOP Events #51 and #54. But I invite all of you to see what’s up, because in my “real-life”, I am super-proud of this project.)

Holy shit! Cylon Pageant Barbie Kid! I totally forgot about her!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

Jasmine’s mom totally wears a weave. Just saying. Now this kid doesn’t have a terrible voice, she’s just as boring as the plant I’m staring at right now. I just want her to go on and do better things with her life. Face it, she can get a nice college scholarship, probably entry into a top-notch grad school…she doesn’t need to be a karaoke singer. Like, Malnourished Casper Twat, who we will see later on this evening, she probably just would have ended up a tuneful lot lizard if it weren’t for Idol. Now she still could, of course, but it at least opens up some classier seedy local opportunities for the pale young woman.

A little bit robotic at times.

Duh. She’s Pageant Cylon Barbie.

YAY! YAY! YAY! The two most awesome Idol contestants of the season are up next!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! Either my mood has perked up or I’m just starting to really enjoy my Jesus Juice. Or maybe its the fact that I’m writing an Idol recap…hmmm…really, I just don’t have the energy to take a good long look inward this evening.

Kris Allen
Remember The Time

OMG. I had no idea M.R.S. Allen SPOKE. I totally do not remember her speaking. Oh, Hot By Default. I think you totally had me with do you remember. I think Idolator’s recap got me to start thinking about one thing, though, that he was a bit smiley for a brake-up / broken heart song, but then I saw the video this weekend and well, I guess I always thought this was kind of an upbeat song.  I didn’t really pay attention to the lyrics when it came out because I uh, never liked the song.

But I gotta say something here. How was it not obvious this guy was going to go really far, even after this performance? There as seriously a time when Lil Rounds and Danny Gokey were seen as more marketable and more talented than this dude? Kara actually says the only useful thing of the season when she points out how HBD helped a lot of the other contestants out that week, and then Paula throws in how no one knows Michael [Jackson's] catalog better than any of the others. Which just reiterates the fact this kid was really the only true musician on the show this season. This guy knows music. He might not have had the power vocals, but he knows music.

Whatevia. I liked Hot By Default and I still do. Just like I adored La Princesa del Mariachi! And she sings next!! And she’s singing the best Michael Jackson song EVER!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

I love the fact La Princesa sang at a Hispanic furniture superstore. Hello? SHE RULES.

Ah…ok…going to sit back with my Jesus Juice and enjoy this awesomeness.

Ok. I had to pause halfway through to write down how sick & talented La Princesa is. Seriously. Did you listen to her? And this song? I am so doing this song the next time I go to that dodgy Asian karaoke place where they let you sneak in booze and small dogs.

I actually hope Fox / Apple decide to try and make more cash off this stupid In Memory Of… rerun by opening up sales to these songs on iTunes again. Because I WANT TO DOWNLOAD THIS SONG. (And if they don’t…if any of you have it, please send it to me. I don’t download Idol songs very often, but I think this one is a must-have.)

YES YES YES!!! They totally kept the it’s not like I’m cutting myself remark in there. I knew then and there La Princesa had stolen a teeny part of my jaded little heart.

Oh Shit-For-Brains shut up. You’re making me go back to the kitchen…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Awww…I love Anoop’s parents. Love them. I want them to invite me for dinner.

Now I can see some of the complaints about this song, and hell, should anyone even try and attempt Beat It? Seriously. BUT COME ON. How was this better than Gokey’s PYT? And maybe the “tough-guy looks” combined with the turned-up collar was a bit to much at the end but come on! It was better than Gokey. And plus we like Anoop. He is educated.

If this was karaoke, than so was Gokey. And Lil Rounds. End of story.

Jorge Nunez
Never Say Goodbye

Oh, poor Jorge. Such a sweet guy. I hope he is doing well, but we all know “ethnic” males can’t do shit on Idol.

And hell, actually, I think I only heard this song this weekend when combing through Michael Jackson songs on iTunes. Still felt bad this kid was thrown under the bus by getting stuck with this mediocre ballad. And yeah, it’s really not that good…but hey, it’s still not his fault entirely…I hope Jorge does okay. Plus, J. Lo and her Skeletor man-slave liked him, so perhaps they could take his phone calls or something.

Jorge or no Jorge. This was just a piss-poor MJ song from the get-go.

The judges kill Jorge. End game. Now onto Tattooed Mormon Joy and Lambert. (And I’ve got a full glass of Jesus Juice.)

Megan Joy
Rockin’ Robin

Awww, I love Megan. And she’s soooo beautiful. And awesome. And hello? This was when she CAWED!!! Sadly, I really think Megan’s “MILF/GILF” can’t be anymore than 10-12 years older than me. Which is kind of scary. I don’t care what anyone says — I still think you give this girl a little vocal training and she will be out of control. Plus, she kind of represents the types you “expect” to make it to Idol…you know, the ones who have some sort of natural talent but have never had the platform to “shine”. Not people with failed recording contracts in their recent past.

Sorry, I still think this is fun. And Megan Joy is FUN. And she CAWS!!! SHE CAWS!! That was one of the best things I have ever witnessed on Idol.

Oh Shit-For-Brains, shut the hell up. You are making me drink. As is Paula’s outfit, which truly is amazing. Especially with the way she has accessorized it with those delicious not-even-semi-precious gems from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection.

It’s also strange watching this show now that I’ve uh, been there? Jesus. That seems like forever ago. I went to an AI Rehearsal…what the frak has become of my life???

Adam Lambert
Black or White

Ok. Let me state again that I love Lambert’s father. Love his dry sense of humor.

The thing with Lambert / Screech McQueen, we really didn’t see the evolution of an artist or say, improvement. Lambert pretty much set the bar and stayed there. I don’t know if he can do much more than what he’s done, you know? Maybe his team of crackjack producers can take him to soaring new heights, but who knows. Hell, his legions of batshit crazy fans could ruin him because they seem to be moving beyond Claymate proportions at this point. I don’t think I could handle being stuck in a room with any of them. At least the Kradam fans seem a bit more sane, despite all their insistances of siamese gifts for 2 and talk about cuddling.

(Is this almost over yet?)

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

I’m just happy I got to see Quatto The Mole again. I guess his performance was good. All that matter was that Quatto was there.

But once Shit-For-Brains started having her at-table Molegasm, I started reaching for my Jesus Juice.

And I am now wondering why I am forcing myself to sit through this a second time when techically, I really don’t have to, do I? No.

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Oh Jesus. I can’t stand this white trash twat. Yes, yes. I know that’s harsh, but she’s just ridiculous. And a hypocrite, too! Here she is crying about her kid and her fiancee in Iraq when we all know she did a little somethin’-somethin’ with Matt Giraud. Why do I hate Alexis Grace? Because she’s pale and malnourished and oh-so eager to “dirty herself up”? Sure, why not. But mainly because you look at her and just sense the desperation in every move and every glance. This girl would sell a kidney if it meant a record deal. It’s all so, insincere. Like, I have a feeling she sings Reba McEntire’s Fancy to herself in the mirror each and every day because she considers it HER theme.

I remember being pissed she got the pimp spot when I watched the original broadcast, but now it’s just funny. Especially because her ass was booted doing Jolene the following week.

Ok…sorry…I’m back. Live feed of WSOP Event #51 infinitely more exciting than Casper, mmmm-kay???

The only notable thing I can remark about Casper’s performance of this song is that its autobiographable. No wonder she infused it with so much passion. SHE IS DIRTY DIANA, er ALEXIS. But it’s all about a girl who will do whatever she can for singing stardom…like that whole casting room couch stuff you’ve heard about…

Anyway, loved that she got the pimp spot and thought she was all that. And loved that she got booted next week.

Christ.

You’re a naughty girl…and I liked it.

Ugh. That just goes places I did not want to think about. But I do think Simon was right on about saying it wasn’t nearly as good as she thought it was.

Wait??? WHERE ARE THE NUMBERS???? WHERE DO I VOTE????

Jesus Christ. Why did I watch this again?

Now someone send me the mp3 of Allison’s Give In To Me. I will sing karaoke songs about you.

Spread the word. Do it.

In fact, when a friend of mine in London told me he was trying to get tickets to one of Jackson’s (not so much anymore) upcoming shows at the O2 Arena (ironically called the This Is It tour), I said, But do you really think it would be any good? However, this did lead to a conversation about how good Jackson was in his prime (and even post-prime in some regards) and the undeniable contributions he made to both music and culture.

And last night, with the countless musical tributes to Jackson on the radio and TV, I was once again reminded in a way not since my father and I watched the premiere of Thriller at 1am one Saturday night long ago, just how damn good so much of Jackson’s music remains.

More than anything, Jackson is a tragic figure. Despite his alleged crimes, can he really be considered a monster? Sadly, he will be remembered as a cautionary tale of child stardom and the perils of absolute celebrity just as much as he will for his numerous contributions and staggering talent.

Next week, in what is kind of a lame move but they don’t have much else going on this summer, Fox will be rerunning the Top 13 episode from this past season of American Idol. If you recall, this was the Michael Jackson songbook night. In retrospect, I am pretty pissed Lil Rounds and Alexis Grace were permitted to sing a couple of Jackson’s great 90s-era songs — The Way You Make Me Feel and Dirty Diana, respectively, and HBD did Remember The Time, which I have never cared for, so his version was preferable to the original. Megan Joy cawed her way to awesomeness with Rockin Robin and Adam Lambert solidified his Adam Lambert-ness with Black Or White, but the standout performance of that show, in hidsight, belongs to one person. And I actually want to THANK American Idol for turning me onto a Michael Jackson song which was never really on my radar.

La Princesa del Mariachi, my favorite female contestant of any Idol season I have ever watched, did a “relatively unknown” Jackson number from 1991′s Dangerous called Give In To Me. We would later find out upon her Idolatry interview with Michael Slezak, that the awesome Hot By Default suggested this song and helped her out with it.

Last night, I watched Jackson’s version on Idolator and subsequently downloaded it, because I recalled enjoying La Princesa’s rendition. Maura Johnston’s Michael Jackson obituary is an awesome read and features her favorite MJ songs, which really illustrate how much Jackson contributed to music over his short life.

I have since listened to Give In To Me about 7-10 times. It is one of the greatest Jackson songs of his career. Completely underrated. It’s dark. It’s sexy. SLASH PLAYS ON IT.

Give In To Me is truly symbolic to Jackson’s musical genius. An odd manchild with a penchant for pet chimps and paintings of boys milking goats could transform into anything or anyone with just a song. Sadly, the song was never released as a single in North America or Asia, but it did very well in the UK, Europe and Australia & New Zealand.

It’s awesome. RIP Jacko.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqDOsKKhb88

And let’s thank Hot By Default for turning La Princesa onto this awesomeness, as it was indeed, perfect for her and her voice. I may actually watch the rerun of the Top 13 episode next week just to catch her belt out this bad boy once again. Here is the studio version…b/c that crap always gets removed fromYouTube. Bastards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIQHEy5dtQk

It’s good to see her doing these songs, as the poor thing was singing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On at age 6. But damn has that girl always had talent. (This is completely unrelated, but I found this gem while looking for the aforementioned clip.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4mHmBN8eTs

Spread the word. Do it.

And we’ve got to trudge through over two hours of America’s greatest shit show. Are you ready? I am. But as I said last night, I really don’t care who wins because I don’t think either of them care. And I like it. So tonight? Well, tonight’s just gonna be a night when two nice guys do good for themselves.

There were almost 100 million votes or something. And then Ryan Seacrest pays tribute to the four who have professionally guided the contestants this season.

Professionally guided? Are you kidding, dawg? Are you kidding me?

Okay, whew. Seacrest was totally kidding about that professional guidence shit, and clever editing proves Randy Jackson’s vocabulary is as limited as Shit For Brains DioGuardi’s songwriting abilities. (That’s right, sweetie.)

Now let’s watch Paula’s vocal prowess. I wish I could explain what I find so appealing about Paula Abdul, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that it’s not Idol if there is no Paula.

And once again, Simon is wearing a collared shirt. This one is for my mom, who thinks Simon Cowell is hot. Granted, she only knows how to get to my blog if I send her the link, despite my repeated attempts to teach her the concept of bookmarking.

Don’t you hate it when they stick the contestants in all white? I know I do. But let’s check out their families, where I once again wonder how HBD arrived on this planet with dark brown hair, as everyone in his immediate family seems to have been Children of the Corn. (And it looks like the St. Louis Lambert fantards are back in the house. I bet they love that they have to fly back home into Lambert International Airport. Holla.)

Seriously, why are these poor bastards wearing angelic white? Couldn’t they have lied and said they were on their period or something to try and get out of it? Okay…I guess that wouldn’t have been very believable.

They sent Mikalah Gordon to Conway, Arkansas. Remember Mikalah? I would have sworn she would be doing porn by now but it looks like she’s still shilling for Idol. As per usual, the kiddies are stuck in the front because hey, we don’t want anyone to think its middle-aged women voting for Idol contestants now, do we?

And they sent Carly Smithson down the 405 (oh, the 405, I feel like I intimately know the 405 now. And the 110. And I think there was a 105, too. Oh, LA. I do kind of miss your tacky bizarro world charm.). Smithson might not make it out of there alive, as she is in clear danger of being suffocated by posterboard.

(And Someone was holding up a 3-D sign asking Adam, Can I Be Your Eve?)

Wow. Ok. Let’s get on with this shit show. Isn’t it time for a horrible group sing? Of course it is!

Top 13
So What

And everyone is in white. And everyone looks like a douchebag. And I really hope Casper gets her period on national TV because she’s wearing all white and I hate Casper.

WHY OH WHY DOES QUATTO THE MOLE KEEP HIDING FROM ME???

They even gave Jasmine Murray a solo, but most of the solo camera shots were on Lambert. But I’m glad we got to see a little of Jorge Nunez, whose natural enthusiasm and effervensence always makes me smile.

I guess there was a commercial or something, but now David Cook is there. And people are swaying. Cook is singing Permanent, which I believe is dedicated to his brother who recently died after a 10-year battle with brain cancer. All proceeds from downloading the song will be donated to ABC2, a cancer charity.

There is something I like about David Cook. I can’t help it. Whatevia. Poor guy has some of the most batshit crazy fans, but hey, I give him credit for trying to ellude them and their stalker tactics. I have hope for him, although I wonder if the black armband is a bit over-the-top? Well. I’m gonna cut him some slack since his brother just died. And frankly, I’ve just always kind of been rooting for David Cook to make it.

GOLDEN IDOL AWARDS?

Outstanding Male
Will Kunick
Michael Gurr (I remember him! He needed to eat the banana, right? There was some guy who needed to eat a banana.)
Elijah Scarlett
Dean-Anthony Bradford
Normund Gentle

Ok. This is sad. I think I remembered all of them. Wait. Except this Dean-Anthony person. And I totally would have remembered that one. I have never seen him before. Oh wait…carpet matches the drapes…this does ring a bell.

HOWEVER, we all know there is only ONE TRUE OUTSTANDING MALE. And that is the one, the only Normund fraking Gentle.

Why oh why did he not make it to the Top 13???

(And I assume Twatiana del Toro will be receiving the Outstanding Female award, right?)

I love you, Normund. I will love you forever and I’m telling you I’m not going. YES! YES! YES!

And this is just one reason why Normund Gentle / Nick Mitchell will go down as one of the greatest contestants in the history of this shit show.

I want that perch. That is power.

Sorry, Seacrest. You just can’t pull off the Greatness of Gentle.

And now onto someone awesome singing with someone mediocre…

Cue The Rain
Lil Rounds & Queen Latifah

I’m sorry. Lil Rounds may be a perfectly nice chick with an adorable family, but come on? Making QUEEN LATIFAH take the stage with her? Are you serious? Yeah, I guess you are. Since I’m watching it.

Here is irrefutable proof: Queen Latifah is such a goddess, she can pull off intense spandex with nary a camel toe. You, Lil Rounds, cannot.

Maybe its more that I’m paying attention to her exquisite talent that a camel toe is meaningless. Because if you’re gonna sport camel toe, you better have the vocal chops to distract from the camel toe. And that’s a lesson we all can live by, so remember it. But its doesn’t take camel toe to prove how superior Queen Latifah is to Ms. Rounds, as she basically wipes the stage with her not-so-Lil ass as fast as you can say Easy, Breezy, Cover Girl.

(Ok. I can sooo not wait for Terminator: Salvation. That might be #1 on my to-do list for the next 48 hours.)

I’m Yours
Casper, Anoop & Jason Mraz…and the rest of the contestants

Nooooo. I can’t take this Jason Mraz song any more. Poor Anoop. Hell, poor Jason Mraz, poor guys are forced to share the stage with Casper Twat, who manages to dirty herself up more every time I see her, hell, I swear those poor dudes…and wait! The rest of them are there now, too! They’re all gonna catch Casper VD, which is why I suspect Quatto has been undercover lately. Poor Quatto has been using every antibiotic ointment possible but he still can’t get rid of that awful itch.

Now let’s take a walk down memory lane with Hot By Default. Although I’m kind of excited to see his audition…but I don’t think we’re gonna get to? Have we ever seen his audition?

Yes! M.R.S. Allen is rubbing her hands together with glee, as she may be envisioning her future in Hollywood. Yes, sweetie, a girl can dream, but honey, I just don’t think you have what it takes. But I wish you the best of luck. Of course, couldn’t you have gotten a good spray tan at some point?

Kiss A Girl
Kris Allen & Keith Urban

I still don’t understand this pairing, except for the fact they both play guitar, are slender white dudes and both have wives with minimal facial movement. I think Idol is trying to angle poor HBD as a country singer, since you know, he’s from Arkansas and Sarver was never gonna get very far. Oh, Idol, and you claim to know the artist HBD will be, yet…I suspect you have alterior motives. Because Urban isn’t country-country. He’s from Australia! And gets Adult Contemporary airtime! Sneaky, Idol, very sneaky.

Jesus Christ, I hate this stupid Fergie song.

Glamorous / Blanket Song
Female Idol Contestants & Fergie…eventually with The Black Eyed Peas

Hey, Casper. You will NEVER be as hot as Megan Joy so just give it up and go back to your trailer. And I know that thing you’re wearing in your hair was removed from the grill of your pickup so don’t even play.

OH NO! No Fergie is singing that god-awful song about the blanket and crying and I just hope she doesn’t piss on herself. Granted, Fergie looks better as a brunette. The rest of the Black-Eyed Peas are allowed to come on stage. Well, thank flying spaghetti monster. Of course, I was really hoping they would sing Let’s Get Retarded as a dedication to Shit For Brains DioGuardi.

I think there was some sort of technical malfunction, or something was censored (Did Fergie pee?) which just prolonged the boredom and I am so wondering how Fergie got to be as popular as she is, did she blow some important industry types during her Kids Incorporated days? I’m CLUELESS. Because this chick just…she can’t dance, she sings songs about blankets and she pissed on herself in public. Yet, here I sit in my apartment. I’ve pulled all those antics and then some and not one goddamn city will give me a key.

More Golden Idols

Best Attitude

Bikini Butterface (Roadwhore)
Alexis Cohen (The chick who gives the finger. I liked her.)
Tiffany Shedd (Roadwhore)

I’m assuming this goes to Bikini Butterface…who will wear a bikini…BIG SURPRISE. Seriously? (Simon mouths out wow to Randy.) Must we encourage this Butterface and her delusions of grandeur?

Because she had to maul Seacrest. Just put her on Sunset Tan, Seacrest. She would fit right in.

I was gonna ask you what’s new but now I know.

And that might have been one of the more amusing things Seacrest has ever said. How sweet. Her faux-Idol fame (Andy Warhol never accounted for reality TV in his prediction, because losers like this don’t get 15 minutes of fame, they get 5 if they’re lucky. And I think she’s at 4:59 right now.)

Why the hell are these people letting her sing? Ugh. And the bitch looks more worn than before. Then OMG! Shit For Brains comes out on stage, looking as if she just did the walk of shame again.

This is fabulous. Two twats humiliating themselves on national TV. Oh Shit For Brains, you just NEVER learn. You wrote a shit coronation song EVERYONE loathes and THEN you go in full-cougar mode on stage and strip down to your own bikini.

Wow. That was just…that was amazing. Kara Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you never cease to amaze me. If humiliating oneself can be classified as artistry, you’re fraking Michaelangelo. (Charity my ass. You just wanted to show everyone hat you looked like in a bikini.)

Even David Cook and his buddies wonder what they just watched! This will probably be the only nice thing I ever say about Bikini Butterface or Shit For Brains, but I certainly hope they’ve seen bodies that good since being on tour, because I’ve seen photos of the ones who’ve let it all hang out at their shows.

Let’s wash that taste out of mouths with a little talent now, shall we?

Time After Time
Allison Iraheta & Cyndi Lauper

This is totally sweet. La Princesa and Cyndi Lauper. And its a duet which works, even though La Princesa is so very young, she still exhibits a, dare I say, star quality that goes beyond experience. Lil Rounds may be several years older, but watching her with Queen Latifah just proved how Lil her “star quality” is. Watching La Princesa with Lauper, well, it just works.

And now we get to talk to HBD’s parents. I’m not sure about Momma Allen’s dress, well, on her, but…I just love his parents. They’re just too damn cute. And where or where did the wife go? I can understand if no one wants to hear her speak, I mean, can she?

And now we have Lambert’s adorable parents, but just as we’re settling down for a lovely little chat, it’s cut devestatingly short!

NOOOOOOO

Hello / Lionel Richie Medley
Danny Gokey & Lionel Richie

WHY OH WHY are you letting Gokey duet with Richie when it should only be sung by Richie and / or David Cook in any Idol format. And I’m sorry, but you cannot karaoke it without a goddamn sculpted Richie head. It just doesn’t work that way.

And Richie isn’t even singing Hello! Blasphemy! And I don’t even know what this song is, which makes me feel kind of bad. Oh well. I know what will make me feel better. Blind people sculpting shit makes me feel better.

As does the greatest video ever made…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74

Now they’re singing All Night Long. I know that one. But can someone please bring out a sculpted head? You know Blind Guy sculpts shit because he’s a fraking genius with a bunch of degrees and interests. Sadly, I do not get the sculpted head I always wanted (Hell, I might take a sculpted head over a key to the city at this point) and the song ends with a trademark Gokey WHOO.

We are now watching Adam Lambert’s Idol journey. I’m kind of pissed we were short-changed on the convo with his parents. His mom has some serious style, plus, his dad just has the driest sense of humor, but nooooo. We had to go hear Gokey do Hello without the benefit of a sculpted head.

Beth? / Detroit Rock City / I Wanna Rock & Roll All Night
Adam Lambert & Kiss

And such nice quiet vocals from Lambert singing to someone named Beth. He’s wearing something last seen on Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but I guess that’s ok when you’re on stage with Kiss.

While Kiss does look a bit ridiculous wearing all that makeup while this month’s issue of the AARP lies waiting in each of their mailboxes, they do, somehow pull it off. And for chrissake, they’ve held up a lot better than those corpses drug out for the Disco Week Results Show a month ago, right?

Black Magic Woman
Matt Giraud & Santana

While I can’t deny Santana is a mad guitarist, dude totally sold out singing shit with Rob Thomas. But tonight, he is singing with Matt Giraud (Quatto The Mole sings silently underneath the hat, desperately trying to keep from scratching himself silly over whatever it was he caught from that quickie with Casper in The Olive Garden bathroom. Manga bene!)

Oh shit. I think Quatto The Mole has heard me talking about him and got all sad and jealous or something because now my DVR is frozen in the same spot! Nooooo! Whew. Crisis adverted.

But as soon as the crisis ends, the dreadful Smooth starts up and Idol contestants are EVERYWHERE. Again, it is Lambert’s show, but wait! Jorge Nunez gets the spotlight for a moment! Go Jorge!

Yay! Charming-yet-goofy singing faces from HBD.

But when they start harmonizing, well, that just ain’t harmony I hear. That’s shit. And Casper continues to wear less clothing! Does she think if she dirties herself up even more, she’s gonna get back into the competition or something? Or at least allowed onto the tour? Its incredible! I think she was jealous of the Bikini Butterface and Shit For Brains humiliating themlselves. But Heather Locklear is in the audience and is like whatevia, I can kick your ass ya little blond twit.

FORD COMMERCIAL HELL

This is the equivilent of a sitcom clip show. Screech and HBD just sing against a backdrop of this season’s previous commercials.

And now, David Cook is going to give HBD and Screech their new Fords, which is fine with me, because now we don’t have to see the big presentation on the Idol stage. And hell, the whole “winning of the Fords” thing is soooo anti-climactic at this point now.

MOST RANDOM IDOL PAIRING / TRIO EVER

Megan Joy…Michael Sarver…and Steve Martin on banjo

Now I’ve seen Martin play banjo before, but this is just bizarro. And hey, I do love me some Steve Martin. And I love me some Megan Joy. But this shit is weird. It’s like An Idol Prarie Home Companion or some such nonsense. Naturally, Megan Joy looks beautiful, and I can’t wait until she gets even more formal vocal training and cuts a killer album. Trust me on this one. IT WILL HAPPEN.

OH FRAKING NO WAY

Ok. I gotta admit. I love this song. And I LOVE the “video”.

Do You Think I’m Sexy / Maggie Mae
Male Idol Contestants & Rod Stewart

This is ridiculous. I just…I just…well, I’m still pissed Giraud won’t lose the goddamn hat. It’s Quatto The Mole’s big night, too!

You can always count on Rod Stewart for memorable wardrobe choices. He can pull shit off Randy Jackson only DREAMS of doing. And hell, he’s Rod Stewart, which means he doesn’t even have to sing with any of them.

The Final Golden Idol Award of the Evening

Outstanding Female (as if we don’t already know)

Chelsea Marquadt
Irene Angrelova
Dana Moreno
Tatiana Nicole del Toro (I’m sorry. I will always hate Twatiana, even if I can appreciate the comedic value in her existence.)

Gee…I wonder, maybe since Paula announced it on HSN last night, it’s just even LESS surprising.

Ruben Studdard wonders what the hell is going on…

While Twatiana sings her signature Whitney shit and gets “taken off the stage”. Lame. But I still the think the twit could have work a dress that fit properly…and wasn’t in a wintery shade.

Wow. It’s almost over. And one of those poor guys is gonna have to sing that god-awful song again, er, I mean, one of these lucky bastards will be the NEW AMERICAN IDOL.

But first…a duet! (I was hoping for Paint It Black, but…)

We Are The Champions
Adam Lambert & Kris Allen…with what is left of Queen

More dry ice! A big black choir! Fallen Idol contestants kept at bay on the steps above (watch out for that Casper, she still thinks she might win the whole damn thing by a write-in vote).

And Gokey, are you watching? This is how you’re supposed to sing a duet. Holy shit. I just realized I was sitting here with an honest-to-goodness smile on my face.

I’m still smiling, even though I had to see Casper again, and Paula and Shit For Brains feign friendliness, almost messing up such a lovely vision of Adam Lambert, Brian May and Kris Allen in smoke-filled bliss.

Simon Cowell’s last words:

I thought you were both brilliant, unusually incredibly nice people, and I think both of you should be very proud of what you achieved last night and the future is all yours.

And here is the envelope, but I totally don’t think Lambert or HBD care, even though there was a world record or something with nearly 100 million votes cast.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. (Yeah. I said fuck this time. I bypassed frak because of the magnitude.) See, somehow, somehow…I JUST KNEW.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

Right now, a bunch of Lambert tards are probably whipping up batches of Flavor Aid in their Guyana of their feeble little minds.

It feels good man, but…Adam deserves this. I’m sorry! I don’t even know what to feel right now.

HBD can’t believe it! Neither can the judges! Neither can his family! Except, M.R.S. Katy Allen, I think. I see visions of fame dancing in her eyes, don’t you? I bet she once whispered in his ear during a church retreat back when they were fifteen, I’ve just always wanted a boy who could get me out of little old Arkansas.

Megan! Stop hugging Casper! You’re gonna catch something! (Notice how while all the other contestants are staring at Kris, Casper is staring at the camera.)

The judges, well…Simon isn’t very good at hiding his disbelief or disappointment, now is he?

Poor HBD. Now he has to sing that shitateous song. And he’s sooo not grinning because he won, that’s the smile of a guy who can’t believe he actually has to utter such drivel about hurricanes and mountains in front of a packed out and millions of at-home viewers.

In the four seasons I’ve watched American Idol, there has never been a finale where I thought both the contestants deserved to be there. So tonight, well, I kind of enjoyed it, and never have I ever seen such a charming what-am-I-doing here acceptance “speech” as that of Hot By Default’s.

Do I think a bunch of Christian zealots voted in droves to ensure HBD would triumph over Lambert once Gokey was out? Not really. I think it may have had a bit more to do with the constant pimping of Adam Lambert, which, as in last year’s finale, probably drove a lot of people away from David Archuleta as well. The world is full of sheeple, but sometimes, even sheeple don’t want to take their orders from talking heads. (So VFTW! Yay! Victory is also yours!)

So you know what? I stand by what I said last night. Both of these guys won. Conway and California. Guy-Next-Door and Guyliner. Believer and Fudgepacker. They’re both gonna make records. They’ve both received a brand new Ford hybrid. And they’ve both gotten themselves a cadre of batshit crazy fans who will follow them to the edge of the earth and back again.

So quit your bitching. They’re both winners.

But good job, Sheeple. Not only did you get the Final Two right, but you made it a somewhat memorable Idol finale for even this black-hearted hater.

Spread the word. Do it.

But you’re supposed to draw those parallels, right?

The dude is gay. What the hell does it matter?

But Camryn Manheim is there! And wow, the Nokia is soooo much bigger than CBS Studios. I think. But those cameras can play tricks on you.

Kayne vs. California? The Guy Next Door vs. The Guyliner? Oh for chrissake.

And Randy, even when wearing a suit & tie, still looks like he let the kid sitting next to him on the short bus dress him again. But that makes PERFECT sense, as Shit For Brains rides it with him to work every week.

Carly Smithson is in the audience. And a bunch of other people who used to be on the show, people like Casey Carlson, who for some reason, I still get hits for with people searching for her, which I can only attribute to her being really cute with a nice rack.

Okay. Let’s get God vs. Gay going. Of course, this is the revised, fuzzy-wuzzy, nail-polished version of God vs. Gay and hear about the remaining two contestants as children. Apparently, Lambert screamed a lot as a child.

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This just reminded me: Mad World used to be my ring tone. But it was an analog/digitized version which was just kind of amusing. Not that any of you give a shit about what I used to have as my ringtone, I just thought I would throw that in there.

Lambert is cloaked in black, standing in billowing smoke and Jesus-ordained flamboyance. I always prefer his performances where the screeching is kept to a minimum. More Lambert, less Screech McQueen. I could live without much of his cabaret eyefucking, but this performance was quite pleasing, as there was uh, zero screeching.

Why the frak is Randy talking about his long coat? Uh oh. Shit For Brains is talking and she claims Lambert changed the game up for every other contestant when he sang Mad World because of his artistry, blah blah blah. Shut the frak –

HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS!!! HOLY SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS AND YOUNGER ASIAN WIFE!!!

Good to see Sir Hopkins is aging gracefully, although he reminds me less of Hannibal Lecter and more of Aphasia-riddled Col. Ludlow from Legends of the Fall. (Terrible, terrible movie. Only notable for the amazing line: Helena was a bustling metropolis.)

And while we talk about Lambert’s long journey, we get to see all the fallen contestants in the audience. Looks like Anoop is sitting next to Megan Joy, which will further rumors about him making her caw all night long. We even get to see a tiny Jorge Nunez looking happy. He seemed like a sweet kid, however, I’m just pissed off Giraud is wearing another goddamn hat. QUATTO THE MOLE wants to see the show, dammit. Let Quatto watch the show.

And of course, Gokey looks like…Gokey.

Simon calls Lambert overtheatrical, which reminds me of when he criticized David Cook last year. He likes to work angles, meanwhile, Randy tries to look cool but sputtering the word Twilight about three times.

(I refuse to watch or read Twilight. I want to drive a stake through Twilight‘s stupid Hot Topic-shade-of-black heart.)

Hot By Default’s parents further endear themselves to the American public (but am I the only one who adores Papa Lambert’s incredibly dry sense of humor?) when his Mom shows an adorable coupon her dear Kristopher gave her a few years ago.

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

I think this performance was when I decided Hot By Default was going to make a serious dent in the competition. I don’t care what incredible vocal acrobatics Lambert displays on a weekly basis, no one has come close (with the exception of La Princesa del Mariachi) to expressing genuine, heartfelt emotion on the Idol stage. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a “lyrics” girl, but the most important thing to me is seeing someone make something believable. And I believe Hot By Default nearly every time he’s performing, whereas Lambert, he simply performs.

Well, that totally made sense in my mind, but you can call bullshit if you’d like. But first, let’s check out the Lady Allen this week. Oh Hot By Default, I know you are super-happily married, but please-oh-please go drink a lot of booze and screw a lot of women now that you’re famous. I only want what’s best for you.

Simon looks smug! What is this all about? Alas, Randy begins. He likes that HBD grabbed the microphone? He also says its one of his best performances. Shit For Brains cuts him (and the applause) off so she can say she agrees with him. Meanwhile, Katy Allen diligently, as if she were a seal digesting a small fish. (Of course, I have no idea what I would do sitting in the Idol audience there for someone I knew, or was dating, or was married, to…so clapping is probably a really good idea.)

Ok, ok. I’ll stop dogging on M.R.S. Allen…for now. Let’s look at HBD soak up Useless Dawg’s pre-programmed critique. He knows he just has to smile during Useless Dawg and Shit For Brains’ critique because they mean nothing to…anyone.

Paula, meanwhile, is totally busting out the Paula Abdul Jewelry tonight, showcasing it with satin pajamas from the Peter Pan Collection.

Ooooh, Simon eats his words. He talks all his uncertainty about HBD’s name being called last week BACK. Yeah, frak you, GOKEY. Jesus loves Kris Allen more! He even gives Round 1 to HBD (of course, he did do this with Archuleta last year, so…) and we see more shots of HBD’s family, making me wonder if he had ever met a female with non-flaxen hair before American Idol.

Adam Lambert
A Change is Gonna Come

I was rather surprised this song was selected, if only because Coretta Scott Mercado gave such an unmemorable rendition last season, but hey, I am all for erasing all memory of Coretta Scott Mercado, granted I don’t really remember a single one of her performances.

I actually like Lambert doing the blues thing, and I guess I’ll live with his screech since he spared us with tonight’s Mad World. Like I always say, I don’t dislike Adam Lambert at all. The guy has mad talent, its just that, he doesn’t really surprise me at this point. Now if he were to come out in drag, well, that would be awesome. On so many levels.

I kind of groan with the over-the-top emoting before he finishes with My Change is Gonna Come. Yeah. He did great, but why pick that song for the gay guy? He’s gay. He’s not a leper.

Shit For Brains says its his best performance and his best emotional correction. She also uses all these weirdo hand movements which make me think she is having a seizure.

Paula says its his best performance ever and says he will be iconic. Yeah, he was good. I just thought it was a tad much choosing a song written during the civil rights movement for the (basically) open gay guy.

People can’t class things up for the finale shows, btw. They still have to bring homemade signs. This one obviously took a lot of work, and while it disgusts me on so many levels, it is giving a shoutout to my native land. Holla.

PRAISE XENU!!! PRAISE XENU!!!

Wow. Look at the death in Joey Potter’s eyes! And Suribot wants to run far away. Katiebot is covering her tiny robot’s ears because they’re both wondering if Daddy hit that shit.

Oh come on now. Adam Lambert wouldn’t screw a talentless midget closet case! Never!

Kris Allen
What’s Goin’ On?

HBD now busts out the guitar, which is good, because they can’t use instruments on that stupid final song Shit For Brains wrote. Ah, I get it. Fuller chose a song about love conquering hate when piting the Nice Christian Dude vs. the Gay Guy. Because this is American Idol! And American Idol must be a reflection of society and hot button issues.

That was a solid performance, but I would have liked for them to have picked a different song. Randy thinks it was too light.

I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you.

Oh, Shit For Brains. Oh, Randy. So the song Adam just did wasn’t socially conscious? Are we just totally ignoring that fact now? I mean, I’m super smart, but any idiot can see the obvious reasons these songs were selected. It’s basic, tenth-grade English symbolism ya dumb twat.

I just really hate listening to her talk, don’t you? Paula thought he tore it up. Simon thought it was as if he was strumming along with a few buddies in his bedroom. CUE SEACREST HOMO JAB.

Hi former contestants. Is it wrong for me to totally hope Anoop is nailing Tattooed Mormon Joy? His grin kind of says, yeah, I’m tapping that ass. Meanwhile, Casper gives a pathetic pose, Blind Guy isn’t looking at the camera and Jorge Nunez just looks so happy to be there. Whatever. I’m a total sap, and Jorge Nunez’s unadulated joy at even being in the Top 13 always makes me smile. (And of course, La Princesa just looks cool. Because she is La Princesa!)

Adam Lambert
No Boundaries

Of course this is a song about hope and making it through hurricanes and stuff. Because this is the stuff Idol songs are made of. To his credit, Adam Lambert does his best with complete shit. He makes it almost listenable, but I do think this may be the weakest I’ve ever heard his voice on the show. There are a couple of iffy parts in the chorus…I don’t know…I will cut him some slack though, because its another tired song about climbing every mountain.

Granted, sometimes, when I am somewhere random and it comes on the radio or something, I do kind of not totally despise Cook’s Time of My Life. Even though the magical rainbows part always makes me wonder how he could even get through the lyric. But those are Idol coronation songs. And the crux of these truly magical songs are tasting every moment and climbing every mountain. Whatevia. I want to taste every moment while I’m climbing every mountain. And after I’m done tasting every moment on every damn mountain, I want a key to the city, bitch.

Randy says it was just all right. He even evokes the word PITCHY. Shit For Brains uses the performance to pimp herself and her co-writers. Lambert proves he does have acting chops by thanking her for the song and saying its beautiful.

Paula creams herself. It’s times like these when I know Randy is just trying to break through his pre-programmed, micro-chipped vocabular and utter an original thought, because he was right on. Simon tells Adam he’s awesome, but still manages to call Shit For Brains out for what she is and blasts the song as being utter crap.

Now these people, well, they totally half-assed their fantard signs. COME ON. Black Sharpie is all you people got? You are not real fans. Get out.

Kris Allen
No Boundaries

Ok. Let’s see what he does with it. Let’s see how he connects emotionally to standard Idol drivel. I do think, like Lambert’s, his voice is probably a bit tired at this point.

All I know is that I am just so thankful I’m listening to HBD sing this right now and not Danny Gokey. He did a very servicable job with a shit song. What were his other options?

Randy kind of tells HBD he’s lost, aka he should be proud of what he’s done in the competition. Kara thinks the song was too high for him. Hmmm…what, did you write this song specifically for a Gokey-Lambert finale? She thinks people should vote on the season, but I’m hoping she is also admitting to herself that she completely sucks and has zero artistry. (Hey, a gal can hope can’t she?)

I’m kind of calling bullshit right now because they’re uh…well, it’s not surprising, but I feel like they’re using their last opportunity to throw this guy under the bus. I mean, they tried all season long but there he stands, and even though all Idol coronation songs are a bunch of “inspirational” tripe, I just can’t help but think that shit was written with the expectation Gokey would be standing up there next to Lambert. From the title to the lyrics, that shit was totally penned for a Lambert-Gokey showdown.

At least Simon reitterates the fact he deserves being in the finale, I’ll give him that.

HBD is totally hoarse.

Me and Adam, we said we weren’t competing. We’re just coming out to give a good show tonight. Hopefully, we did that.

And in an instant, my icy black heart melts. And perhaps this warm & fuzzy feeling will only last a few moments, but it does kind of prove to me that sometimes, good might prevail over evil. People might get what they deserve. And maybe, just maybe, when you give sheeple the power to choose, they may just do the right thing.

Fox did get their God vs. Gay finale, however, it kind of bit them in the ass. Because maybe, just maybe, people really don’t care if you’re a Believer or a Fudgepacker. Maybe they just kind of want to see a couple of good people up there with good talent and good hearts.

As per usual, I don’t care who wins Idol. But I kind of think both these guys won. And we know they’re both driving home a new Ford, just as much as we know they’re both gonna be stalked from here to eternity by batshit crazy lunatics.

But at least I can say, with 100% conviction, I’m hoping they make it. Because they’re just a couple of good guys and hey, who doesn’t like to see the good guys win every now and again.

Spread the word. Do it.

Rush & Malloy printed some Idol gossip today regarding a recent visit to a Burbank Outback Steakhouse.

All the Idol contestants were eating together! Adam Lambert brought his boyfriend! And OMG Anoop Desai is TOTALLY NAILING Megan Joy.

“American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert wasn’t coy about his love life when he and other “AI” contestants got together the other night at Burbank’s Outback Steakhouse. Lambert called the dude with him “my boyfriend,” says a spy. Also looking cozy at the dinner: Anoop Desai and Megan Joy Corkrey, who sources say are an item.

Spread the word. Do it.

I’ll forgive him for posting a photo of Casper because all I can think about is what kind of mobile phone Scott MacIntyre is using.

Blind Guy also has a Twitter page and he texts. He even texts to his Twitter page! Now I know he can see some, but I’m definitely curious on how this is possible. It’s actually pretty cool, but I just want to see his phone’s interface. Or is that shit in braille? (I’m not even being an asshole, either. I swear! One of my close friends is a legally-blind magician who is AWESOME. Actually, we do send the occasional text so I should probably ask him…)

Oooh, and it looks like Blind Guy gave a “spoiler” for the big finale production. Those wacky Jonas Brothers will be performing.

Jonas Brothers just arrived on the scene:) about 18 hours ago from txt

Spread the word. Do it.