But he did not want to disappoint! ROUND 2! Bologna, pastrami, black pepper and LOVE.

I do worry about Big Mike’s caloric intake. He’s a big dude. He might need to be careful.

American Idol wants us to believe 20,000 people are auditioning in Nashville this weekend. Nashville, being the music capital of the American South, well, this will likely be their most hit-up stop, but…20,000 people still want to be on this show?

Former Idol contestant Alex Lambert and current If I Had a Dream resident went to the Playboy Mansion. And he’s gonna write with Cisco Adler, who is best known for dating Mischa Barton AND hanging out with infamous America’s Next Top Model finalist, Lisa. Now what I don’t get is…I thought these people were forced to move out when they got jobs. And they seem to be getting a lot of jobs, even that terribly untalented Justin Gaston person. So why are they still in the house?

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CONTESTANT’S CHOICE

Casey James
It’s ok (It’s alright with me)

Naturally, Casey James is going first because nary a producer or judge wants him to break up the pre-ordained Crystal-Lee finale. Casey chose this song because he loves it, and its similar to the kind of music he writes. Perhaps turning in several quality performances during his hometown visit has helped relaxed Casey. He’s happy. He’s comfortable. He sings it well. It’s lazy-day music. It doesn’t go anywhere, but it doesn’t seem to do anything but lounge in a porch swing. And sometimes, that’s okay. Not every song has to be about falsetto fellatio and climactic hoohahs. Sometimes simple works best. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sure, maybe he should have taken it up a notch, but perhaps he knows the deck is stacked against him and just wants to go out on his own terms. I’m not quite sure what else he could do at this point, since it’s already apparent how this is going to play out…

Randy says it was just alright — you know, like the song title — and he needed to be groundbreaking and original since this is such a big night. Everyone else agrees, of course. This was written beforehand. They have teleprompters. Now its just a matter of saying it emphatically.

It’s hard to pick a song nobody knows.

I really hate this condescending twat. Shit-For-Brains should just shut up. Casey just can’t ever get credit for doing something slightly different, can he? Whether its a slight rearrangement or a slightly unknown song, he is chastised for being unoriginal. No matter what the guy does, the bus is still gunning for him.

Crystal Bowersox
Come To My Window

One of her favorite singers, Melissa Etheridge is an excellent choice for Bowersox. She’s even got her bong mic stand out tonight. Starting off with a harmonica, the first lyric is a bit off and sadly, time restraints do nothing for the arrangement, as she is forced into the bridge almost right away. She sounds lovely in parts, but I kept waiting for it to go somewhere. Crystal has moments of vocal brilliance, but then some parts just fall flat. While the harmonica at the beginning was kind of a nice touch, it may have effected her performance. She always seemed as if she was racing towards the end, when she hopped on the harmonica once again. Except she got lost somewhere in between.

The judges praise her vocal, but say the performance did nothing for her. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi, sadly, explains it best. (I HATE YOU WOMAN.) Simon says more than I’ve heard him say in weeks. The lukewarm reaction to Crystal’s performance is understandable — it was one of her weakest, most lifeless performances, which often happens when you’re finally able to take on a singer or song you’ve always admired and a lot is riding on it. It’s difficult to shake the feeling, however, that the judges are just saving up their praise for DeWheezy.

Lee DeWyze
Simple Man

The chosen one (sorry, dear Bowersox. They’re putting all their eggs in Lee’s basket now. Had you actually sat through one of these shit shows before, you would have learned how fickle those asshats can be.) is doing Lynard Skynard. Like Casey, the hometown visit seems to have done wonders for DeWheezy. Its a solid rendition, still doesn’t leave the bar at around midnight on a Saturday night and the last note sends his guttural goodness into the sewer.

But hey, its better to be playing to a packed bar at midnight on a Saturday than to an empty room with only a few remaining drunkards slurring their words at 2:30 am on a Wednesday night. So Lee DeWheezy, I give you props. Nicely played. Now go get me another rum & coke.

And cue the I could see you making an album like that. Oh. And the he’s in it to win it. At least with Ellen DeGeneres, you don’t know what animal or vegetable or mineral she will compare you to. Uber-twat Kara fawns over Lee, telling him he showed them everything he’s got. She says this with such a husky, emphatic urgency that makes me want to slap her. The bitch just tries too hard to make herself look relevant. It isn’t really fair, however, since her glowing assessment of Lee’s performance — you chose a song that had meaning for you, blah blah emphatic blah — is a bit of a slap in the face to Crystal and Casey, who both chose songs that meant something to them. By artists that meant something to them. And if you’re even just a solid, garden-variety bar singer, you likely know how to do Skynard pretty damn well at this point.

Commercial break…I have never seen a Shrek movie, but I am so going to McDonald’s to buy the glass on the far right. For obvious reasons. Obviously.

A picture says 1000 words… (or does the saying go a picture says 100x more than Randy Jackson’s vocabulary?)

JUDGE’S CHOICE

Casey James
Daughters

Randy and Kara spout some crap about how they think Casey should be like John Mayer. Yeah. This is a shitty ass song. Indulgent doesn’t even begin to describe this crap. It also makes the swaybots sway. Why don’t you just chop his head off? Killing someone is easier when you just do it quickly.

The song is loathsome, but Casey gives it his all, a little goat vibrato there, a little goat vibrato here. I like his voice. Shoot me. But know what I really like? I like it when Casey James plays guitar. This performance would be a lot better, if it wasn’t such a loathsome fucking song that frankly, gives me the creeps. It’s John Mayer, for chrissake.

The judges praise him this time around, well, not so much him as themselves, because it was they who chose the song. And Randy and Kara love talking about themselves and their sage wisdom. Simon takes them to task for their selection, just as he did last season when they gave Kris Allen that Ryan Tedder garbage. He complains there wasn’t enough of a climax and Kara starts emphatically talking about how it doesn’t need a climax because its all about emotion. Hey, I dig emotion. But I hate John Mayer. And Kara DioGuardi, the only thing I would hate more than being stuck in a room with you is being stuck in a room with you and Julia Roberts. Your rampant narcissism and commitment to being so damned emphatic about every damn thing you say makes me want to shank someone. Hell, you make me want to shank my couch.

Crystal Bowersox
Maybe I’m Amazed

Ellen selected Paul McCartney’s classic for Ms. Bowersox and its a much better choice than what those dingbats surrounding her chose for Casey James. Notice how the judges’ choice works? Randy & Kara get to choose for the person they want to go home immediately. Nice judge (aka Paula/Ellen) gets to choose for the contestant they want to be in the finals, but not win. And Simon gets to choose for the ordained winner.

Crystal sounds lovely, and Rickey Minor & Debra Byrd did not make her change the gender orientation of the song (maybe I’m a man / maybe you’re the only woman who could ever help me). Speaking of men, Crystal goes balls out on the vocals. Balls out. I picture a choir behind her, but Crystal doesn’t need a choir to make her sound better. She also did beautifully without her guitar. Gee, Randy. She must be in it to win it, right? Ellen, nice job on song selection. Kara, shut up about song rearrangement. You can’t even arrange your meds properly in that pillbox marked with the days of the week. Four words, bitch — OPEN TOES. (Funny, rearranging songs was never a make-it-or-break-it factor until David Cook, was it?)

Lee DeWyze
Hallelujah

Another song in desperate need of a mercy killing on American Idol, Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Naturally, Simon has chosen this for the erstwhile paint salesman from the Chicago burbs. Simon owns the rights to this song. You hear that sound? That’s another zero or two being added to one of Simon’s bank accounts. But Simon says he chose the song for Lee because he LIKES Lee AS A PERSON and how its never been done like how Lee is gonna do it on the Idol stage. (Yeah…slam Jason Castro why dontcha. He’s kind of the one who made it an Idol standard. And didn’t little Timmy Urban just sing this already this season?) He also says he’s basically handing Lee his moment on a silver platter.

A fraking backup singer choir? Are you kidding me? Oh. Did you hear how he ruined that first refrain with his last hallelujah? Why didn’t you put the backup singers in robes for chrissake? At least we know they were there to drown out DeWheezy’s patented off-key wheeziness, but hey, stick him in all white and call it a moment. The judges cream all over themselves. They also use this time to drive the point home how Lee is what this show is all about. How Lee was just a guy selling paint searching for his big break. How Lee laid down the gauntlet. How Lee has improved so much in this competition. Kara DioGuardi is out of control emphatically demanding HER moment — she really does become more insufferable every time she opens her mouth. Simon basically handed him the title. Randy and Ellen reiterated everything the somewhat more pertinent judges said. It’s manipulative. It’s predicable. It’s pathetic.

You know what? I’m gonna listen to it again. Perhaps I missed something while furiously typing away on my laptop. Perhaps it was sheer brilliance. Perhaps Lee DeWyze is one of the brightest undiscovered talents the world has ever known. (And hey, Lee does, at times, lead one to believe he may possess certain qualities most desirable American Idol winner — i.e., someone who might finally tell his batshit crazy fans to shut the frak up and leave him alone and…a guitar? Hmmm…it wasn’t bad. It was relatively in tune, but…I did not cream myself. So um…

Every moment of tonight’s show reiterated the fact that American Idol sucks. Sure, it’s always sucked donkey balls, but now it sucks rotten corpse maggot-infested donkey balls. What was the point in even allowing Casey James to sing tonight, or for that matter, even Crystal Bowersox? While part of me relishes the pimping of Lee DeWyze as Idol finally accepting a girl can never win this damn thing because women of a certain age are the only ones who vote hard and vote often, the other part of me feels bad for our beloved goat and Saint Bowersox. Because I’m the type who roots for the girls with guitars and all the undergoats in all the world.

But I’m still bored.

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Halo is kind of a lame song choice, especially for such an “edgy” and “original” (ZOMG EDWARD GOREY TATTOO) young woman, but Siobhan sounds great. When she pulls back and reigns it in, there are several hints of brilliance in her voice. Perhaps she should take Crystal Bowersox’s advice — Bigger isn’t always better. And when Siobhan steps up to the mic, less really is always more. Just because one can hit those insane octaves doesn’t mean they should do it whenever possible, you know?

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One of the few bright spots of American Idol’s Season 9 was Alex Lambert. The 19-year-old was one of the few interesting singers to watch this season, yet was surprisingly sent home in the final round of the semifinals.

People were pissed. Some even started one of those oh-so-effective online petitions demanding Alex’s return to the Idol stage. They even collected 20,000 signatures.

Yesterday, People reported that Alex Lambert would be joining the cast of Simon Fuller’s web series, If I Can Dream on Thursday. If I Can Dream follows 6 Hollywood wannabes living together and pursuing their dreams of stardom. Once a cast member gets a job, they then move out of the house and someone else moves in. One of the original budding stars/starlets got work, and now Alex Lambert will take their room and become a featured member on the 24/7 live streaming web series which also premieres a new episode every Monday at midnight.

(Does this mean that an online petition was almost successful? Or just that Alex Lambert’s shocking semifinal exit was unwarranted and pathetic even for the shit show in its current on-life-support state?)

It seems Alex also got that Idol makeover, even though he didn’t make the Top 12. He’s moving in and the mullet is gone! It’s okay, though. Alex Lambert has a very existentialist attitude towards his hair.

So, you cut your hair?
I still have a mullet a little bit. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.

It’s a shame not everyone feels that way about a little haircut. Somebody named Lillian Thomas was really upset about Alex losing his mullet, so she left a comment on People’s article in ALL CAPS, a la Kanye!

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Kind of watched the show…my initial thoughts.

Lacey Brown makes scary faces. Kim Jong Il isn’t doing much for me. Katie Steves is more boring than dirt. Tim Urban was halfway decent. But he still scares me. And that song as reggae? It worked when I was overly tired and half-loopy. That says it all.

Siobhan Mangus killed it. Lee DeWyze bored me.

And I can only remember what a few of them sang. But I think I can live with that.

THE GIRLS:

1) Siobhan Mangus — GIRLFRIEND NEEDS TO STOP WAILING. Or I will hate hate hate hate her. Shit-For-Brains’ comparison of her to Adam Lambert will likely bring on even more nutjobs.
2) Crystal Bowersox — I am starting to want her to do something, uh, different.
3) Paige Miles — Her eyes still scare me, but that was the best she’s ever been.
4) Didi Benami — You can’t trust this one.
5) Lacey Brown — Eye fraking. Not cute.
6) Katie Stevens — Spawn of Sarah Palin and Satan

THE BOYS:

I am still trying to rank them.

1) Alex Lambert — FINGERS IN EARS LA LA LA LA LA I CANNOT HEAR YOU
2) Michael Lynche — what did he sing again?
3) Lee DeWyze — I am bemused by his utter lack of originality or star quality.
4) Casey James — what did he sing again?
5) Aaron Kelly — Hating on this kid would make me feel like I killed a puppy. And I just don’t think his voice is all that bad. Not my thing, but the kid doesn’t bother me.
5) Tim Urban — Kid scares me. The megachuch eyes, but mainly…mainly its the hair.
6) Andrew Garcia — I think this may have sucked.

Who will go home? I keep wanting to name both a male and female contestant. Sadly, we can’t kill them off that quickly anymore. I’m going to go with Lacey Brown or Paige Miles, but my faith in humanity could be somewhat restored (albeit temporarily) if Katie Stevens gets sent back to Connecticut.

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The spoilers received just before showtime seem to be right on! And since we only have an hour this evening, we were not forced to spend an inordinate amount of time with the increasingly vile/useless judges.

What’s your name, maggot?

Lee DeWyze
Fireflies

Dude. You are doing a shit song by the poor man’s children’s Postal Service. Do you think this song will endear you to the tween set? Have you heard about the rabid frauen and this is your strategy at getting them off your back? NEVER. Won’t happen. Fireflies? Seriously, dude. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? You have just proven you have zero original taste in music.

He tries putting his own gravely-rocker spin on it. But its Fireflies. And this guy did HINDER last week. He seems relatively on key for most of the song, but I don’t think the song has a key. But Randy thinks he had some pitch problems. Then again, Randy thinks most people have pitch problems. And Ellen repeats it for hope of credibility, but she points out people keep telling her they have a crush on him. Uh…Kara is still gloming onto Simon and he’s desperately trying to get away from her. She thinks he made the song better than the original. I think they both kind of sucked, so its really not a fair comparison. Everyone seems to think he put his own spin on it. BIG SURPRISE — Simon says he did not have a moment. That’s Simon’s new line. Obviously, the person writing for them is not being challenged enough on the job since our beloved Percocet Paula was unceremoniously not re-signed for a fair amount of cash.

Bullshit. You didn’t convince me. let me see your REAL war face!

Alex Lambert
Trouble

Alex looks so nervous! No! Ray LaMontagne basically has Aspberger’s and/or extreme social anxiety so if he can actually tour, you can get up there and sing his song. Whatever it is about this kid, his voice, his mullet, his entire what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here demeanor has made him a favorite of mine. And he’s singing one of my most favorite of favorite singers! And he’s not mangling it! Score! (Taylor Hicks and Chris Sligh or someone from Season 6 have previously performed this song on the show. I really wish they would start doing other Ray songs…because Trouble isn’t even one of his best numbers!)

He does a solid job. I really just enjoy the genuine tone of his voice. He’s got the guitar and the initial problems I had with the arrangement (the instrumental intro blew). Randy called Ray LaMontagne dope. This disturbs me for whatever reason. Ellen calls him a mushy banana. Aren’t we done with the banana talk yet? She also manages to tell him to gain more confidence, but not become a cocky banana. I swear I’ve seen that title at the Amazing store around the corner from my apartment.

The only thing standing in the way of you winning is you right now.

You know what, Shit-For-Brains? Confucius AND Deepak Chopra both say you are woman who should have been born a mute. She also thinks he needs vulnerability. Dude. Last week, he talked about vomiting. The week before that, he was bleeped for fowl language. He is totally vulnerable!

Bullshit, I STILL can’t hear you! Sound off like you’ve got a pair!

Tim Urban
Hallelujah

Tim Urban is performing one of his old standbys. Naturally, Idol disregards all pertinent musical history and says Urban is covering Jeff Buckley (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Jeff Buckley). This was actually better than I expected it to be…and Randy gave props to Leonard Cohen? But it was the best he’s ever sounded. Ellen, playing the role of nicey-nice judge perfectly, runs over to give Tim a hug because…it was fantastic!

While I no longer have any interest in buying any of his music (nor did I ever, honestly), I would still venture to say Jason Castro’s version was more memorable than Tim’s, but the judges totally dug it. I suddenly have the feeling this kid is going to be around for a very long time…If Idol can’t get a girl winner (and as of now, the guys have put up a much stronger showing than the Top 8 girls did last night), they would probably aim for a Justin Bieber/Imp of Hades/Moppet of Beelzebub-esque blowout boy who might be popular with the tween set. Because we all know it ain’t the tweens who make the Idol world spin round.

So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle f**ks up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES!

Andrew Garcia
Genie in a Bottle

Uh…is this a gang sign or is he trying to be the next Idol contestant to sign an endorsement deal with an eyewear company? Is this some Kim Jong Il signal I don’t know about? (*runs to brush up on Ryugyong Hotel knowledge*) Andrew obviously chose the ubiquitous Christina Augilara song in an effort to recapture the allure of his Hollywood Week Straight Up.

Andrew’s first baby baby baby makes me cringe. The tempo indicated he may shake up the chorus a bit more, but it failed to do much. The final little run wasn’t too bad, but the guitar rift at the end was straight up Steve Miller Band Rock’n Me Baby. Randy thought he was pitchy, obviously, but I do agree with him about it only being about three notes. There was zero range. Kara opens her mouth in disappointment and says Andrew peaked too soon. Everyone keeps talking about Straight Up. Simon thinks he is desperate and uncomfortable. Ryan brings up that Paula Abdul song. This is only acceptable because he actually says Paula Abdul. OH MY PERCOCET PAULA. YOU ARE MISSED!!!

(Before the commercial break, Casey James and Aaron are shown sitting next to each other on the Coke Couch! For this single moment, they are like a gentler, watered-down version of Cook and Archuleta. Which really says it all about this season of American Idol...how can you get more gentler and benign than the two Davids of Season 7?)

Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don’t look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down.

Casey James
You’ll Think of Me

Casey ventures into country-country territory with a little Keith Urban. Wise choice to appeal to an even larger demographic, although he is from Texas and has already bared his chest, so he really doesn’t need to do much more. This guy is a guaranteed lock for 6th or 7th place — at the least. Sure, its a safe choice. But is it really surprising? Its not memorable by any stretch, but his vocals are decent.

I want to hate Casey James, but he’s kind of good. He’s not mind blowing, but he’s solid. And I’m almost amazed at how much stronger the guys are this evening over their female counterparts…and this is still a girl’s year, huh? Randy was not blown away, because he wanted something different. Ellen says the same thing Ellen always says. Kara throws out cougar bait by claiming he’s almost back in her good graces. She is such a C**T. All she has to do is open her mouth and C**T is the first thing I think of. Simon thinks it was unmemorable, naturally, but that it was also his second best performance. I’m almost shocked he did not throw out that bit about there being no wow moment.

Casey also makes Seacrest look more midgetesque than usual.

How tall are you, private?

Aaron Kelly
I’m Already There

Aaron is a harmless kid singing country. I find it impossible to hate on him. I fear for him this week, though, especially since Tim Urban was actually okay. It’s just that Aaron seems like such a nice little puppy dog, I can’t be mean to him. I don’t even know any Lone Star. This song is vaguely familiar? But that second or third lyric was terribly out of tune. I think he may be oversinging, but it sounds right on…like it sounds like a popish-country tune. I think they all kind of “go big or go home” on those choruses, right?

Looking up at the TV screen, I see this…and it kind of reminds me of…Clay Aiken?

But when Aaron’s voice is on, its on. He has more range than most of his competitors. Randy’s criticism mirrors mine. This no longer scares me, as he is infinitely better than Shit-for-Brains. Ellen wasn’t as impressed. She thinks he oversang, too! Kara starts telling him what the song was about, and how he should not have sung it being all of 16? Did the bitch ever say anything when Allison Iraheta busted out ditties meant for 35-year-olds? Yay! Aaron says he was trying to narrate a story. Frankly, he showed more genuine emotion than I’ve seen most of them elicit this season. Yay! Simon cuts Kara off and tells her she’s full of shit. Good job, Simon. Shut her ass up.

I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f**k a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

Todrick Hall
Somebody to Love

This could be a stellar trainwreck. It’s Todrick Hall. And he’s employing the backup singers. The backup singers even get their moment on the jumbo screen. I am surprised he did not make them wear choir robes.

Because I feel like I’m a church. I will say, however, this is better than he’s been the last two weeks. I can recognize the melody! It ventures into Motown territory, but its the best this douchebag has ever sounded. He wasn’t even out of tune. It was even a welcome change from all the guitar-driven quasi-ballads we’ve heard from everyone else. Oh Todrick, I don’t like you whatsoever, but you were decent. And where did you buy your Adam Lambert hand-me-downs?

Kara starts bitching about it being overly dramatic. HOMOPHOBE! Has this guy ever been anything but overly dramatic? Although Simon does have a point with Todrick showing us he’s a Broadway singer. But it also was the most interesting thing of the night.

(Break for Kris-Allen-being-endearing-for-Ford commercial)

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war.

Michael Lynche
This Woman’s Work

Last week, Big Mike sang that It was a Man’s Man’s Man’s World and now he is singing about Woman’s Work. Gender roles in music! I am fearing they are trying to turn him into Ruben Studdard 2.0. Or call Tyler Perry. Idol does not like to admit its racist, or that black people do not watch this shit, so they always try to get at least a token. Cuddly teddy bear Big Mike is the obvious choice over the flamboyant possible scam artist Todrick Hall in capturing voters’ attention — even if he’s singing dull-as-rocks contemporary-ish R&B.

He can totally sing, but I am also totally bored. Next week, I want to hear Big Mike step away from the R&B. But I guess you need to conform to TBTB boxes in order to get anywhere on this shit show. But mainly, I want to know why this performance triggered the bowels of desperation in Kara DioGuardi. BITCH STARTED CRYING. CROCODILE TEARS.

YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA. I don’t care how much Percocet and OCs you get your doctor in Tijuana to prescribe to your lame ass, but YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA. (And your forehead still does not move.)

SHE CRIES. AND CALLS HIS PERFORMANCE RELEVANT.

And as a woman who does not have a child, I can relate to it so much. And it brought me to tears.

Last week, I had to hear this bitch talk about some guy that done her wrong and this week, she basically alluded to FERTILITY ISSUES. Bitch is trying to out-crazy Paula. Simon thinks it was the best performance of the season. Yes, Michael Lynche is their chosen token.

I NEVER AGAIN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT KARA DIOGUARDI AND HER FERTILITY ISSUES. Seriously, if you were one of her eggs, or the necessary swimming sperm, you would run the other direction. Hell, she was probably crying her eggs because they ran the almost the entire length of her body to get the hell out. There are just some things you don’t talk about on national television, mmm-kay?

Who do you think is going to make the cut…or be cut? Tonight might be a close one for the guys. While they were boring, they sucked infinitely less than the girls this week. I’m trying to rank them, but its kind of difficult…because no one really HAD A WOW MOMENT. And hearing about Kara DioGuardi’s need for a babyfriend just threw me off. (Was this overwhelming wave of emotions the result of fertility drugs? Or a desperate attempt to make people like her? Why is this woman so damn unlikeable?)

My rankings, which really are not indicative of anything. I was actually trying to go by vocals, or who provided some degree of entertainment.

1. Alex Lambert (Viva el Mullet)
2. Todrick Hall
3. Michael Lynche
4. Casey James
5. Tim Urban
6. Aaron Kelly
7. Andrew Garcia
8. Lee DeWyze (dude…Fireflies? Come on.)

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From Idol 360 (please oh please will someone give me spoilers this year so I could have at least one moment in the sun?):

Lee – Fireflies by Owl City
Alex -
Tim – Hallelujah
Andrew – Genie In A Bottle
Casey – A song by Keith Urban
Aaron – A song by Rascal Flatts
Todrick – Somebody To Love by Queen
Michael – A song by Maxwell

I hope these are true because they seem right on. Andrew is trying to recapture his Straight Up magic by picking a gay male/tween girl circa 1998 anthem to “make his own.” Tim Urban will basterdize Leonard Cohen AND Jeff Buckley. Todrick Hall will shit on Freddie Mercury’s grave. Lee will do another tired ‘n’ terrible pop-rock-that-thinks-its-alternative ditty. Casey and Aaron will do what they usually do. Michael Lynche does a “black guy” song for the second week in a row, and…

WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT ALEX LAMBERT WILL SING. Funny, he’s the only one I cared about.

ETA: Apparently, Alex Lambert will be doing Ray LaMontagne’s Trouble. Making him my [EVEN MORE SO] most-favorite male contestant of the season.

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Well golly gee. Lilly Scott is in the pimp spot! Crystal Bowersox will go on right before her. Lacey Brown is pretty much done-zo. Ellen is nuzzling Simon. I doubt she’s playing the bi-curious card. Simon was just willing to play nicey nice to get that DioGuardi hag off his ass. Wait! Don’t make her go back to her seat.

Katie Stevens
Breakaway

In an obvious effort to make herself more youthful, Evil Katie sings the titular track from Kelly Clarkson’s second album (you know, the one which made her better than this shit TV show). From the opening note, Evil Katie mangles it. She is terribly out of tune and I wonder if she has a terrible head cold. To make matters worse, she resembles Tammy Faye Bakker in her PTL heyday, before she was a beloved gay icon/friend of Ron Jeremy and cancer patient. Actually, I think Tammy still looked like that in her final days, but in all seriousness, a 17-year-old girl should never strive to look like Tammy Faye Bakker, even if Tammy got really cool in the last decade or so of her life.

Katie not only sucked, she was also dumb enough to sing one of the most well-known tracks from Idol’s true gold standard. Ellen’s critique is right on, save for the song choice comment. Shit-For-Brains is already gloming onto Simon and thinks Katie has a real radio-friendly voice, but does not know who she is. I wonder what radio Kara listens to, and I doubt Katie will ever be more than THIS time of artist…if you would call that being an artist. Perhaps, as Simon may believe, it is an art to suck the life out of songs.

SHUT THE FRAK UP. Katie wants to break away from her small town life! Bitch lives in Connecticut. Yes, I regularly go through small towns via Amtrak, but it ain’t “small town”. It’s Dooney & Burke shit. And then the fact you’re smack dab in between Boston and NYC. Nonsense. Get your Mystic Pizza ass out of here.

(New Luke Wilson commercial? He’s looking okay. Could have done without the baby. People try and use babies to sell everything these days, even products they cannot use. When was the last time your infant used a mobile or invested in a high-risk growth fund via eTrade? Exactly.)

Siobhan Mangus
House of the Rising Sun

Siobhan Mangus is full of win. Another unique song choice (uh oh, is Katelyn Epperly pissed?) plus adorable adoration for her father. This song is a special dedication to him, in fact, as he is sitting in the audience all Howard Hessman as Johnny Fever-like. Siobhan is perfect during the a capella intro, with vocals positively haunting. Unfortunately, she loses her way a bit as she goes on, which I think may partly be blamed upon the arrangement. The big notes did nothing or me, but the song clearly had zero climax. (Hence, why I blame the arrangement.)

Randy uttered you know what I like about you. Ellen loves her. Kara tells her she’s unique and different. I hate everything that bitch says, mainly because everything that comes out of her mouth is just not worth listening to.

Lacey Brown
The Story

Is Brandi Carisile related to Belinda? Lacey likes eye-fraking the camera. It’s not unlike Constantine Maroulis, so I feel kind of dirty. For every moment I think there may be some brilliance in Lacey’s voice, she seems to disappoint me a moment later. Tonight, I felt more of a country twang with Lacey than previously, but that could be a wise decision since Haeley Vaughn was ousted last week and Idol clearly enjoys towards turning at least one contestant country per season.

This was Lacey’s best performance by a mile, but will this be enough to save a girl who is dead on arrival this week? Of course, I would rather see Lacey make it to the Top 12 over Katie Stevens. Randy and Ellen agree with me. Kara DioGuardi talks to hear herself talk, even tells her this is the sort of record you should be recording. Simon was bored, but he also liked it enough. He also noticed her sheer delight in eye-fraking. Given Lacey’s performance spot (#3) and the judge’s benign comments, I still think she is a safe bet to be eliminated this week.

Katelyn Epperly
I Feel the Earth Move

Are you guys also loving the lack of filler in this episode? I know I am. For the last three weeks, Katelyn has impressed me more than I ever thought she would. I even like the variety of her song choices. However, the Carole King classic sounds very lounge singer. This isn’t believable. And its utterly forgettable. The first thing I thought of was the hotel singer in Lost In Translation — you know, the one who sleeps with Bill Murray (played by Catherine Lambert). This is Katelyn’s weakest performance to date, which sucks, considering she is performing smack-dab in the middle.

Katelyn says she was trying to be less corny. So I’m not really sure why she trotted an irritating Carole King song from before she was born. The judges are not sold. Kara talks about how Carole King is always in the zone. DIE KARA DIE. I cannot believe Randy Jackson no longer seems to bother me whatsoever. You have eclipsed Randy Jackson in the I-am-a-talking-kangaroo department. How you like them apples? Simon, paying obvious homage to the fallen Paula Abdul, that he loves her hair. He thinks she could be in trouble. I hope not, as there are so many more deserving losers who should be ousted on Thursday.

(Yes. I am playing the Kris Allen for Ford commercial…wait, I’ve seen this one before. I like the leaves one better. Or when he talks about talking to the car. Amazingly, Kris Allen for Ford is followed by Luke Wilson for AT&T. Are 19E account executives reading my shit blog?)

If you did not know, the guys are singing tomorrow night…but an hour later than usual. I imagine this is because Fox has to have some 5pm mass for Glee or some shit. Who else wants to know what Alex Lambert is gonna sing? And why Casey James is now trying to grow Brad Pitt’s goat beard. And who knew Michael Lynche’s hand was as big as Tim Urban’s head?

Didi Benami
Rhiannon

In a last-ditch effort to save her ass, Didi brings back the guitar for some Fleetwood Mac. I hope Didi breaks down on stage, as tonight’s show could use some excitement. Like Lacey, Didi often shows brief moments of vocal brilliance. And then I look at her. Didi doesn’t so much eye-frak as make earnest singing faces. Again, I can place partial blame on the arrangement, as all Idol songs just fall flat when they’re cut to under two minutes.

Randy thinks it was better than last week. Ellen makes a dumb joke. Kara, determined to keep her little ass kisser around for a little while longer, as people who are actually nice to Shit-For-Brains are few and far between, actually says its one of her favorite moments of the season. Simon agrees with her. He blows so much unnecessary sunshine up her ass, likely because she’s halfway attractive and over the age of 20. Was it better than the other performances tonight? Maybe. Not sure. But the person in the upstairs apartment moving furniture and hanging photos sounds better than all these bastards.

Paige Miles
Smile

Charlie Chaplin? Tracy Chapman? Well this is a change. It starts out pleasant, if a bit shaky. The whole performance is a bit shaky, and the last note is uh, not sure what it was. The entire thing was dull background music. Dull background music. Randy hated it. Ellen says it was the wrong song choice, because that’s what Ellen says. Kara talks to her as if she was a child. She makes Paige cry. Well, I think all of them made her cry. At least Simon acknowledges the complete suckitude of the arrangement (How much control do the contestants have over this if they do not play an instrument?)

I feel sorry for Paige, though. Poor girl. Paige starts talking about God Michael Jackson, so maybe this will give her a few votes. But I think end times may be near for our coloring princess. And even though you sang Charlie Chaplin, I won’t call you The Little Tramp.

Crystal Bowersox
Give Me One Reason

Since I’m a huge fan of Crystal, I must say I’m a bit disappointed she is doing a rather trite song. There are other Tracy Chapman songs which are so much more worthy. But true to form, Crystal sounds great and gives it her own little spin without detracting from the overall melody. (Are you listening, Todrick Hall?)

Crystal is real. And she’s a real good musician. But I still don’t want to hear Kara tell her how much she knows who she is. She even tells her she’s curious to know what kind of record she’s going to make. SHOOT ME NOW. I am also wondering if Idol producers have instructed Crystal to not show a lot of teeth. Simon continues his pimpage of Crystal from last night’s Leno, but obviously, is there any reason to not think this girl goes very, very far…or all the way?

(Yay! Kris Allen and his Ford video game. He likes the leaves! This will probably get old by next week, but at the moment, it is still endearing.)

Lilly Scott
I Fall to Pieces

I’m a sucker for Patsy Cline. I’m a sucker for Patsy Cline done well. I’ve blocked out nearly all memory of Kellie fraking Pickler mangling Walkin’ After Midnight. I have high hopes for this one, even though Lilly is up there with an electric mandolin (or other small guitar). Now I totally dig Lilly’s voice, but this is not exactly a song you smile while strumming. She’s brought up the tempo a tiny pit and given it her own touches, but the frequent grinning is rather irritating. Few people sang about heartbreak better than Patsy Cline, and the pain was always evident, even in more up-tempo numbers such as this one (and Walkin’ After Midnight).

Perhaps it is because I’ve loved Patsy Cline for my entire life that I am more critical than I would typically be of Lilly, one of my favorites in this year’s competition. I was exposed to many classic country artists as a child (one of my earliest memories was wearing footy pajamas/onesie at a drive-in with my parents while we watched Honeysuckle Rose) so Patsy and I go way back. Frankly, few people have ever been able to imbue their songs with such genuine emotion. Yo, Lilly. You do not smile when you walk by. You fall to pieces.

The judges dig her. Kara thinks she made Patsy Cline sound contemporary. Simon thinks it was cute and quirky, yet lacking of any wow factor. He thinks it was a risky move. What? She went last! She won’t go home.

She won’t go home. Because this week, we will be saying goodbye to Paige and Katie. However, this whole episode may have sucked more than usual, although that’s a really, really tough call. I think I say that every week. But this week, yeah, this week sucked more. Until tomorrow night…and next week. Is this really what this crew did on the final night of the semifinals? Michael Orland and Debra Byrd allowed such nonsense? Eeek. Idol, you may suck worse than I previously thought, because tonight’s episode was a whole lotta nothing.

Who do you think is gonna have to try not to let the door hit them on the way out? Who else is pissed they can’t change the channel fast enough b/c of this Glee crap? Why do these freaks talk in their singing voices?

My rankings:

1. Crystal
2. Lilly
3. Siobhan
4. Lacey
5. Didi
6. Katelyn
7. Paige
8. Katie

Spread the word. Do it.

Not surprising of course, but as usual, ever so painful. The boys open the song, gamely smiling, perhaps, but still with knowing self-consciousness. Especially when they are called upon to act out the parts. The girls are robotic. I begin to wonder when it is in someone’s career as a performer do they ably grasp the concept of lip syncing.

The best part of tonight’s group sing? Watching a definite favorite of mine, Alex Lambert, mumble through the auto track with a most incredible look on his face. He feels what I feel when watching this crap! But he’s singing! Alex Lambert earns more points.

I find it funny they have a feeling its going to be a good night, as four people will be going home. I’m surprised at how enthusiastic resident cool girls Crystal, Lilly, and Siobhan are all are to be part of such a shit fest. I am also amused at how Katie Stevens’ idea of dancing is bouncing up and down. There are parts of this number which look and sound like a middle school production of Grease. The “solos” scream Summer Lovin’.

After seeing her jump into camera range ever-so-cheerfully, I really want Didi Benami to go home tonight. She is as about coffeehouse/open-mic night as Kara DioGuardi is — Didi is a poppy princess masquerading in hemp clothing.

(Commercial break: Kris Allen does the cute thing with the car and the leaves, and uh…Barack Obama is going to be on America’s Most Wanted? America’s Most Wanted is still on? Hell. America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on.

Tim Urban…safe (He’s gonna be here awhile. I GOTTA FEELING.)
Michael Lynche…safe. No brainer.
Casey James…safe. Insert requisite Kara-is-a-Cougar joke. Roll eyes. Next.

It’s down to Todrick Hall vs. John Park. Sadly, John Park is on his way home. Even though I am not looking forward to hearing Todrick caterwaul some well-known ditty beyond recognition next week, I wish John Park would have been more fun. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. John, I’ll miss you, though. Even though I hardly knew you. And you sang John Mayer. But its better this way. You’re attending Northwestern University. Screw American Idol. You will probably end up being more financially secure than 95% of your fellow contestants in 5-10 years.

(Psst…Lauren. I’m so sorry John has left the building.)

Lee DeWyze…like this was ever in question.
(I have a feeling it is going to be Jermaine. I think Jermaine knows its gonna be Jermaine.)
Aaron Kelly…safe. Because if you don’t like him, you hate puppies.
Alex Lambert…if he goes home, I will cry. Yay. Alex is safe! I was so hoping he was gonna curse again.

It’s down to Jermaine Sellers and Andrew Garcia. First, we had Todrick (African-American) vs. John (Asian). Now it is Jermaine (African-American) vs. Andrew (Hispanic). So do you all believe me about American Idol being kind of racist now?

And hell, right now, these two look as if they’re on set to be two-line actors on Law & Order. No. That’s not me being racist. That’s just me saying how these two look like an odd pair next to one another. They look like bit players on Law & Order.

Wow. They are really dragging this one out, aren’t they? Naturally, Jermaine is the one sent home. God nor rockin’ those onesies nor repeating I’m a church singer would have saved you. But mention God again. I guess it can’t hurt.

But most of all, everybody oughta go out and get a onesie.

Possibly my favorite exit line from a contestant of all time. I WILL get myself a onesie, Jermaine. With pleasure! I was hoping the footy pajamas may have saved Jermaine this week (for the laughs) and Todrick would have been sent packing instead, but I was wrong. I will, however, predict next week as D-Day for both Todrick…and maybe Tim Urban, the latter of which could easily stick around several more weeks. Based on vocal ability, Aaron Kelly deserves a spot in the Top 12 over Urban, and I’m not sure who else would be in danger next week. Sticking Garcia in the hot seat was obviously a scare tactic.

UH OH HERE WE GO GO GO GO GOKEYOKE TIME

Tonight marks the return of erstwhile, heart-shape-with-his-hands-making Season 8 contestant, Danny Gokey. Oh Gokey. Widower. Hot & Anointed Man of God. Supreme Villain of Season 8. This song you’re singing, this cookie-cutter country number, My Best Days Are Ahead of Me, is like something that would play in the background in between soft rock songs when I was a waitress at Applebee’s during 1997-98. Gokey’s stage presence has come quite a long way since I last saw him on the Idol stage. He is more polished, as is his fashion sense. The song is more boring than dirt. The best part is watching the always-enthusiastic Big Mike dancing to it.

(I often get the feeling Big Mike is like this year’s big brother figure to all the contestants.)

Danny Gokey starts talking a lot. And claims Randy Travis told him to do country because of the soul and passion he puts into his songs. He also says he listened to a lot of country music coming up. Danny Gokey will not stop talking.

The writer of this song lost his wife too! He wrote this song a few months after she passed away.

I know he just got caught up in everything and that’s why he was smiling when he said that, but…I just facepalmed. I facepalmed. Literally. I’m not even just saying it. I fraking facepalmed. I MISS YOU SEASON 8.

Now onto the ladies.

Lilly Scott…obviously SAFE.
Paige Miles…safe. (Until next week.)

(Obviously, its going to be Michelle vs. Didi)

Katie Stevens…the little conniving brat lives another week.

Didi vs. Michelle! I’m so good. Kara tells Michelle she was sharp, because she wants to throw the black girl under the bus and of course, Didi sings her songs and kisses her ass, so obviously, it is Michelle’s time to go.

And it is the end of the road for corporate singer Michelle Delamor (also putting the FEAR into Didi Benami). Can’t say I’m not surprised. So Idol…Lacey Brown is gonna be the only honky we shed tonight, yes? No?

Michelle sounds horrible, but I don’t blame her. She just got kicked to the curb. Meanwhile, the cameras keep going back to SAD SCARED DIDI. Didi totally bugs me. This is now a fact.

Oh Michelle. I am so glad you are done singing. I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I hope all your dreams come true, but I never want to hear you sing Creed ever again. Of course, I don’t really ever need to hear Creed again, either.

Katelyn…BABY QUATTO is safe! And I am very happy to see her father in attendance again. Probably why her mother isn’t in the audience this week.
Crystal…pshaw. Like you were scared. But her friends were awesome! They were doing I’M NOT WORTHY! I’M NOT WORTHY! Love Crystal Bowersox’s cheering section.
Siobhan Magnus…another one who isn’t going anywhere. (And did you hear? The Glamberts are now voting for her since she hit that big-ass note last night.)

Haeley vs. Lacey…this could be a tough one. I am thinking Lacey borrowed one of Haeley’s handmade headbands. She also looks just like one of those Avatars (aka kind of like the U.S. ice dancing girl who won silver in Vancouver).

And Haeley goes home! Can’t say she didn’t kind of deserve it, but I’m sad for VFTW. I am also sad when I see Crystal and Katelyn tearing up. Obviously, we know this one is putting on the crocodile tears for the camera. She’s like Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son! But a girl!

Oh Idol. You guys are so guilty of ethnic cleansing. So guilty. Told you the only people who watch/vote for Idol are honkys. Told you. Not even a Debbie the Stage Manager cameo can make me smile at this point. Ethnic cleansing is horrible. America, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Exit song sucks, BTW. And Haeley…THEY TOOK YOU OVER ANGELA MARTIN? Well, at least it looks like most of the other kiddies liked you. Or they’re just crying because this song is that bad.

Spread the word. Do it.

That’s what my hair looks like after hot yoga. I can’t believe someone actually DID it like that…on purpose. Nah, obviously, the hair & makeup person just hates her. Kudos to hair & makeup!

Michael Lynche
It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World

Michael tells us he is big into musical theater. Football and musical theater. He can bench a shitload (505 lbs…or 3-4 Ryan Seacrests). And do bicep curls with Aaron Kelly.

I can’t hate on Michael Lynche. I don’t even think this guy is a douchebag-in-hiding. I’m also excited he’s doing a real life black guy’s music tonight. And not because he’s black. But just because I hate John Mayer and Maroon 5. Lynche’s vocals are pretty damn solid on this number, and I’m actively trying not to be distracted by the backup vocalists. This wasn’t a groundbreaking performance or anything, but it was pleasant. It was enjoyable.

Randy proclaims him an R&B star, because you know, he’s black. Ellen points out his variety of song choices. Kara spouts off some bullshit about him NOW having potential to be a great artist. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi using the word artist reminds me of when Dubya Bush would call himself a compassionate conservative. Kara’s not even fit to be a sandwich artist at Subway.

After the break, John Park takes on John Mayer….NOOOOOOOOOO. John Park, I want to like you soooo much. And you are failing me, dammit. Failing me.

(Hi Luke Wilson. Can you get back to me after I’ve had another drink? I’ll let you know I want to knock boots then. Ok, thanks.)

John Park
Gravity

English is his second language! He only started learning English when he was 10. I really want to like John Park. I love Asians! I love Asians on American Idol. So it is driving me nuts he’s doing John Mayer, who is one of the most useless pricks on the planet, and likely the entire universe.

I am beginning to wonder whether Park has a voice more suited for an a capella group than as a solo performer, a la The Office’s Andy Bernard. His performance was utterly dull. I suspect part of my feelings stem from my hatred of John Mayer, but it just did not work. The arrangement. The vocals. Meh.

Randy uses the word vibe twice in three seconds. Ellen spews some positivity. Shit-For-Brains spouts off a bunch of nonsense words which she could easily condense by saying do a non-ballad. Simon thinks he’s going to be sent packing.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be

Casey James has never watched American Idol before, which is why he picked a shit song. (Bo Bice’s version is superior to the shit original, BTW) And since Casey James has never watched this shit show before, he has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA he is now going to be STALKED BY MENOPAUSAL LUNATICS.

Granted, James will be the first to perform this tired Gavin DeGraw song with an electric guitar. I will at least give him that one. And hey, I thought Allison Iraheta was an idiot to do Heart’s Alone until she opened her mouth. And to be fair, Casey’s version is good. He can definitely play the guitar, therefore, he will make it to next week. Oh, and because he’s decent looking. At some points during the song, I think he might lose his breath. Or he’s being intentionally breathless.

Gotta give the guy credit, though. That may be the most-involved shredding I’ve ever seen on Idol. (Sorry, David Cook)

Randy likens him to Hendrix. Oh, Randy. You are such a fool sometimes. Hendrix? Gavin DeGraw? Shit-for-Brains tries to play hard to get by saying he screwed things up with TOO MUCH LEAD GUITAR. Even though she loves that, you know. Bitch is playing hard to get. Simon “kind of agrees” with Kara and says he could see that in any bar. Sure you could. You should go to more bars. I was just impressed I got to see some lead guitar, I guess. Come on! This is American Idol. And we sit through the same damn thing every week. I would kill to watch someone pick their nose at this point.

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows

Lambert didn’t cut his Florence Henderson mullet, even though I told him it would help him look more like Benjamin McKenzie and less like a goon. Alas. Only one Idol contestant ever took my telepathic advice. Not only do we learn Alex throws up before performing and football games, he also made up his own language at the age of 12. I suddenly love Alex Lambert. I so don’t want nerves to get the best of him. And if they do, I just want to see him blow chunks on stage.

Lambert’s a smart kid. He brought his guitar out for tonight’s festivities. I actually like this kid’s voice. I think if he keeps working with it, he could emerge like a butterfly from his Florence Henderson cocoon.

You know what I liked about your package? I have my own language, too, man!

Oh Randy. You could sing the phone book dawg is not a secret language. You’re just the only one who talks that way. We know what you’re saying. We just ignore you.

It’s like someone took the unripe banana and put it in the paper bag.

Oh Ellen. I’m beginning to wonder about you, Portia, and bananas. Simon thinks he’s good and needs a killer instincts. Interesting. He also says he wishes he could choose his songs from here on out. Alex Lambert, for some reason, reminds me of the kid Simon was pimping on that episode of The X-Factor I watched while in London (The one where Britney Spears lip synced badly not long after her comeback).

I like Alex Lambert. Yeah, I’m rooting for him. Even though Shit-For-Brains made me not want to since she gave her bullshit speech the screenwriters of Rudy would even cringe at.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Gotta Do With It

He’s gonna bastardize one of my idols — TINA TURNER! Nooooo. I don’t want a scam artist singing Tina Turner. This so better not be Private Dancer. OH FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER KILL ME NOW. It’s some bullshit, uber-R&B-ed version of What’s Love Gotta Do With It. It even showcases the backup singers, although this time, they’re not bugging me as much as usual. Maybe because they add a bit of needed oomph for the first time in say, oh, all season.

Todrick, in his silver lame blazer, did not crucify Tina’s classic as badly as he did Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone, but I find it hysterical Randy Jackson tells him to just sing something and not rearrange it. Sure, it was not good. Sure. It did not sound much like the original. So I guess there is something as rearranging too much? Perhaps. The song was quite dull and Tina would be pissed. Ellen gives it her normal positive spin. Kara tells him to go back to simple melodies. Simon wants him gone. He says things just aren’t working out.

(Assuming the black guys they don’t want to stick around very long are nestled in the middle of the show…Remember, kiddies. Idol is racist!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin’ On?

Jermaine Sellers earned at least 10 points with me for rocking his onesie. I have long thought more people should embrace footy pajamas past childhood. He gets a few cool points for me.

I had no idea Jermaine had such a great personality. Where did this guy come from? Where was he before? Why are we just now seeing this beautiful side of Jermaine Sellers?

Sadly, I think Jermaine has been hanging out with Todrick too much, because the beginning of one of Marvin Gaye’s anthem to the horrors of injustice was nearly unrecognizable. And frankly, it just was not sung well. Too much overwrought vibrato. Nor is it when he gets into the melody. A few notes sounded painful, although the scatting was somewhat impressive. His hair was also styled a la Ed Grimley. Wait. He’s totally Dwayne Wayne.

The judges are all unimpressed. But Simon accepted Jermaine’s invitation to church. Jermaine thinks he was doing church singing. Simon thinks it is cabaret. Jermaine asks them what he should sing next week. Simon thinks he won’t be around next week. Jermaine says he knows god. Even though I regularly tithe to The Flying Spaghetti Monster (that’s what I call it when I buy booze), Jermaine is making me laugh my ass off. He can stick around. He is funny. And even if he goes home, I still want to see Simon and him in a church.

(Hmmm…Luke Wilson…maybe? I might. As long as you whisper sweet giggity giggitys and let me call you Quagmire.)

Andrew Garcia
Know My Heart

Without his guitar tonight, he impresses me less. The dude has soul, but I didn’t dig the R&B spin to James Morrison. Granted, I really do not know much James Morrison. I guess he is soul? I don’t know. I’m really bored right now. Sure, Andrew did a little break dancing. But he wasn’t rocking a onesie while getting his electric boogaloo on. WHAT THE HELL? I TOTALLY AGREE WITH RANDY JACKSON RIGHT NOW.

Garcia’s Straight Up did set the bar pretty high. It was pretty genius. (But aren’t there a lot just like him on YouTube?) His live performances? Meh. And when he does soul? I just see Danny Gokey. Even though this guy is like Gokey but with street cred and a better repertoire of hand signs. (Dude. He was a gang banger. He could contort a few fingers while telling people to vote for him and some mofo could get popped within the next 20 minutes.)

Aaron Kelly
My Girl

Aaron Kelly is into photography. He has a sweet SLR, so either its a prop or he actually knows a few things. I actually like hearing Idol contestants talk about such interests. It makes me like them more. For whatever reason, I find Aaron Kelly likable and endearing. As far as kids go, I never felt that way about say, David Archuleta. I don’t think I would ever buy an Aaron Kelly album, but I like the kid. Hating him would be like kicking a puppy.

I was a bit unsure of his song selection, but the country-fried rendition perfectly plays into the box the judges want him in (a male Taylor Swift?) while also satisfying the whole “age appropriate” thing, despite it being almost 50 years old.

Surprisingly, Ellen thinks he should have done another song. Ellen might be growing a pair, as she seems to be adapting to this new role with each episode…for the most part. We will just have to see. I understand she is there as the “positive” judge, she’s still no Paula Abdul.

Simon just compared him to Justin Bieber. THE MOPPET OF BEELZEBUB / IMP OF HADES? But I…I thought that was Tim Urban? Poor Aaron doesn’t even have time to grow his hair long enough into a length suitable for a douchebag blowout if he made it to the finale. Sure, the song was old-fashioned, but come on. You can’t really win. AND I NEVER WANT TO HEAR JUSTIN BIEBER’S NAME UTTERED ON THIS SHIT SHOW EVER AGAIN.

But bonus points to Aaron Kelly for despising The Moppet of Beelzebub. What a good kid.

Tim Urban
Come On Get Higher

Last week, Tim Urban said a prayer before singing Apologize. Yeah…the Flying Spaghetti Monster wasn’t listening, because you sucked. Although Apologize sucks, and perhaps Matt Nathanson’s little ditty will be a better fit for our erstwhile shirtless boy. Little girls will love his abs! And his Imp of Hades blowout! Maybe even his voice now that he’s wielding a guitar.

It is a vast improvement over last week, but it was a bit…off? A little too much in the backup vocals department, a lot of too much nothing everywhere else. But it was certainly not horrible. Randy didn’t get it. Ellen thinks he should act, because if he acted and sang, the singing would sound better. Like, if he were on Glee. Kara thinks he has moments, and other moments which suck. Simon, relishing the role of devil’s advocate, disagrees with everyone and calls him relevant. He champions him for taking last week’s scathing critique and using it to his advantage. He even talks about work ethic!

Of course Tim let out a sigh of relief. Simon is the only one people listen to, in one shape or form or another. Perhaps Simon is just trying to fool those watching into believing Tim Urban to be safe, and therefore not voting for him. Exactly!

All you have to do is talk. I think most people are pretty good at that.

Jesus christ. Honestly? Kris Allen is the only person who has ever made buying a Ford sound like a good idea.

Lee DeWyze
Lips of an Angel

Lee DeWyze was involved in bad stuff or something. I’m assuming he found Jesus. Not sure. Jesus should have told him not to sing one of the most god-awful songs I’ve heard in the past five years. Lips of an Angel is like Panic at the Disco’s I Write Sins Not Tragedies. At first, you think its going to be good. And then you listen to the words and realize its the stupidest, most insipid piece of shit you’ve ever had the displeasure of hearings. And then the song is just ruined. Even for any melodic strong points. It’s just garbage.

Thankfully, DeWyze slowed down Lips of an Angel into something more likable. Since it was a bit more subtle than the original, I did not cringe until we got to the chorus. It’s still one of the most stupid songs ever, with one of the gayest (in an 80s way) titles ever. Pitch problems? Meh. Doesn’t matter. He’s in the pimp spot and self-described cougars love him. Simon just declared him the male frontrunner. Shit-For-Brains kept throwing out the word commercial.

So what did you think? Better than last week, yes. Do you think Alex Lambert could be a dark horse? And how many frauen are already following Lee DeWyze and Casey James?

(Oh. And tomorrow night? Crystal Bowersox. Pimp spot.)

Spread the word. Do it.