Who’s getting excited for the new season of American Idol?  Yeah. Me neither. But at least we have each other.

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Happy holidays, everyone! Let’s ring it in with Adam Lambert and his boyfriend, Sauli Koskinen, were arrested after a drunken altercation outside a nightclub in Koskinen’s native Finland. They were subsequently released. News reports followed. As did apologetic Tweets and hamburgers or something.

So how to approach this one? These are the types of stories TopIdol loves, mainly since it will illicit asinine defenses on behalf of those damn Glamberts. Honestly, when Adam Lambert behaves badly, I’m not always rolling my eyes at him, but laughing hysterically at his over-invested fanbase.

But this was a tricky one which required a bit of thought.

First: Punches against one another were likely not thrown. So Adam Lambert probably does not abuse his boyfriend. Physical violence is nothing to laugh at. If he did punch his boyfriend, then that would be a whole other horrible matter. Unless someone has footage of punches being thrown, I’m going to give Lambert the benefit of the doubt. And the fact I’ve seen a few outside-the-club/bar-at-closing-time brouhahas in my day.

Second: Who hasn’t done something drunk and stupid? One time I slept outside my door for 3 hours. That was also the last time I spent an evening drinking champagne (that shit is the devil’s urine). Who hasn’t done something drunk and stupid outside a bar? Or at least SEEN something drunk & stupid outside of a bar.  I’m the last person to pass judgment on having a chaotic night followed by a dreadful hangover. Granted, I’ve never gotten into a bar brawl but I’ve done some stupid things and a few of them past the age of 30.

But I’m not condoning Lambert’s actions. Getting into a drunken altercation with your boyfriend outside a club in Helsinki doesn’t make you edgy. It just makes you look like the guy that’s trying really hard to prove they’re edgy and different. That you’re bad ass. If you may be reported on for doing bad behavior in the international [gossip] press, you should pick & choose carefully. You don’t want to be portrayed as a trainwreck until you prove you have the talent to make being a hot mess a-ok.

Getting arrested for a drunk fight with your boyfriend doesn’t make you an alcoholic, but it doesn’t make you look good. It just makes you look like an overly-dramatic mess. For someone who claims they want to be taken seriously as an artist, your actions are working against you. While I’ve never been a fan of her voice, Xtina has often been hailed as a vocal goddess, yet she’s talked about more for her inebriated sloppiness and Snooki-like appearance than her talent. And this is a woman who’s has the awards and records to back it up.

This isn’t Lambert’s first misstep. Hell, he got kicked out of Lady Gaga’s birthday party. If you’re gonna be a trainwreck, you gotta do it right. You gotta do it once you’ve proven yourself and no matter how many people think Adam Lambert is a one-of-a-kind talent, he hasn’t achieved the sort of career milestones that get you a free pass.

Lady Gaga likely does a lot of stupid things while under the influence, but she makes headlines for her whacked costumes and um, actual music. She’s got talent. She’s devoted to her art above all else. While Amy Winehouse’s career was cut tragically short, she was a revelatory talent, one that may endure despite her tabloid infamy. Yet her messiness will always be a footnote. Lindsay Lohan’s early promise, on the other hand, would barely earn a paragraph in her obituary. It is now a non-issue. At best, in life or death, Lohan will always be remembered as a cautionary tale.

Adam Lambert, however, achieved fame in an era where talent is secondary, where entire magazines are devoted to the bad behavior of reality TV stars. Lambert is a reality TV star, but it wasn’t a show throwing a bunch of famewhores together in a house and watching them behave badly with one another. He was in a singing competition, a show that may still be a cash cow and ratings powerhouse, but one that has historically proven to not be a definite career catalyst. If you wanna build off American Idol fame, you have to have the talent to overcome the fact that you were on American f**king Idol. Just because people watch the show doesn’t mean they buy records. Most of the viewers forget your name within days of the season finale. The chances of you becoming a superstar are highly unlikely and frankly, you’re not getting multiple seasons. The cast of Jersey Shore technically has more staying power, even if they’re famous for um, just being on a reality TV show.

Lambert might be confused. Perhaps he equates reality TV notoriety to actual fame, but that doesn’t cut it when you’re a guy who sang on American Idol. It has nothing to do with being an out-and-proud gay male, although there will be people who ridicule you for this behavior and deem it “typical homosexual.” Who wants those people as fans, anyway? It has nothing to do with being gay. It has everything to do with career ambition. Because getting arrested for drunken fighting may be a typical career move for a reality TV star, it is not one for someone who claims to want a legitimate career in the music industry. And the more famous you become for being a reality TV star, the less people will ever take you or your talent seriously.

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One of Texts From Bennett’s recent posts mentioned the Glam God himself, one Mr. Adam Lambert. I have no idea whether or not rabid Glamberts are currently trying to get to the bottom of this, because he also mentioned butterflies and hot pink so clearly Bennett is a HOMEPHOBE. I would hope most of them would find this mention pretty funny, if they read Texts From Bennett. Because Texts From Bennett is pretty funny.

Speaking of Adam Lambert, today he Tweeted the cover to his upcoming single (or album? haven’t been keeping up) Better Than I Know Myself. While one should never judge a book by its cover, this is a VAST IMPROVEMENT over the Lisa-Frank-Went-To-A-Rave-But-Not-Reallyness of For Your Entertainment. No word if he knows Bennett texted about him, but I’m sure he would be pleased.

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While she doesn’t give her name, her Twitter bio/handle already gives me more than enough information to discern her identity–even BEFORE launching into her trademark diatribes. Remember a wordy Glambert from Florida? A Libertarian Glambert from Florida? (Do I even need to mention her salt-dough artistry and law degree? What about her accomplishments as a hard-nosed, muckraking journalist determined to unveil the vast political conspiracy behind the eighth season of American Idol?)

That’s right, folks. Ms. Kerry Kolsch is back. Well…it is not as if she ever left. She’s still in Florida, typing furiously, calling out all those bastards who dare not share her beliefs and opinions. Lesbehonest, this tried-and-true sapphic sweetheart sounds like a regular Tea Partier, no? And criticizing Rachel Maddow? DOWNRIGHT HOMOPHOBIC. Downright homophobic if I ascribe to Glambert-think, no? Oh wait. It only counts if I’m do not say the sun rises & sets because of Adam Lambert…

But it’s good to see our girl taking politics again. Ron Paul, right sweetie? Ron Paul really is the only GOP candidate who makes sense on the majority of issues, yet my biggest problems with him have been his confusing stances on well, anything involving being gay. Before voting to repeal, he did openly support Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, as well as the Defense of Marriage Act. Yes, Paul believes same-sex unions should not be under federal jurisdiction, however, he does think this matter can be decided by the states. And for someone who thinks we should the government should not impose much of anything on its people, Paul is vehemently pro-life and considers abortion a state matter–yet he voted affirmatively to impose a federal ban on partial birth abortions. So tell me, Ms. Kolsch, since you’re such a strong-willed lesbian, how can you not consider any of this when you blindly support a candidate?

Kerry Kolsch, you are the internet. I’ve missed you so. Funny, you got me excited about writing a new post! You know you love me. You know you want me to visit your farm. I really love local farming, did you know this about me? Probably just another thing I like in an attempt to be cool. Speaking me trying to be cool, I am sooooo disappointed I never ran into your Glam God in Black Rock City this year, but who knows, maybe I did and just wasn’t paying attention. I’m happy for the guy. One week in paradise away from the likes of batshit crazy fans? Where no one really cares who you are? Hell, homeboy could even afford an RV this year. And the weather was just fabulous. FABULOUS. Nary a dust storm and only a couple of chilly nights.

Spread the word. Do it.

Lady, you’re the one who has to live with it. But I’ve got no business telling you how to spend your money or what to do with your body, and if this stimulates the sluggish economy in some small way, then it might be a good thing.

Oh who the hell am I kidding?

Spread the word. Do it.

I have yet to watch Thursday’s American Idol results show in its entirety (blame booze & the fact I can follow it via Twitter on my phone) but as you all know, Casey Abrams was going to be eliminated. But then he was SAVED. And then Ryan Seacrest announced the Top 11 would be going on tour — a decision made long before Casey Abrams allegedly received the lowest number of votes.

Today TMZ reports Casey Abrams collapsed after the show, and that he received another blood transfusion on Thursday. So what exactly is wrong with Casey Abrams? A hemorage?

“American Idol” contestant Casey Abrams — who got voted off the show Thursday and won a save from the judges — was so overwrought with emotion after the show, he began hyperventilating and then fell to the floor in the hallway.

We’re told “A.I.” staffers helped Casey up and put him in a chair so he could calm down.

Ironically, his song choice Thursday was “I Don’t Need No Doctor.”

Our “Idol” spies tell us … Casey felt horrible that the judges used their save for him, saying “I feel really bad that other [contestants] might have to go home now because they [the judges] used the save on me.”

Casey had a rough day Thursday.  He got a blood transfusion in the morning because of ongoing problems with internal bleeding.

Also a big fat lie: That was not Mamma Langone’s pasta given to Gordon Ramsey during Wednesday’s live show — at least according to Stefano via Twitter (as reported by MJ).

UPDATE: Stefano Langone tweets about Thursday night’s food incident–where Chef Ramsey turned his nose up at his mom’s pasta:

Ohh for the record. It was not really my mothers food. It was all staged, and he kind of made himself look like a jerk for nothing

For the record!!! You can say what you want bout me, I don’t care what it is, but if it has to do wit my mom, my family don’t even mess

My moms looked upset cuz she was made to look bad for something that really had nothing to do wit her… sorry I’m venting now haha

Wouldn’t really surprise me. Now look for Stefano to be one of the two contestants who goes home next week. But more importantly, do you believe Casey Abrams actually did receive the lowest number of votes?

Sure, sure. He went first. His performance was nothing extraordinary. Dial Idol had him pegged last. Then again, how is Dial Idol even relevant anymore when so much of the voting is done via texting and Facebook, and oh, who the hell uses dial-up internet anymore?

There are lots of theories circulating on whether or not Casey’s illness is/was staged, or if this was all a big put-on because Idol has no idea how he will be able to cope with the rigorous schedule of the show, the tour, yada yada yada. American Idol is desperately trying to regain its status as a relevant, pop culture powerhouse capable of turning contestants into superstars. Children who grew up with the show no longer care, as they have not cared for some time. Plus…we all know who REALLY does all the voting.

While Stefano Langone’s Italian-American cooking momma did not really make everyone food, this was an ethnic stereotype American Idol wanted to run with — this is not the first time the show has attempted to capitalize on the nation’s fascination with Jersey Shore. But as well all know, embracing ethnicity is one of those things that won’t get you very far on American Idol.

Jacob Lusk may have received the greatest accolades from the judges during Wednesday’s Motown show, but middle-aged white women don’t vote for black men. Nor do they vote for women. Jacob Lusk is also from the Los Angeles area, hardly one that gets behind their local American Idol contestant. Why does the South produce so many winners? Community organization. Pride in one’s state, one’s country, one’s faith, pride pride pride.

Haley Reinhart, like Jacob, also performed during the middle of the show. Some people believe leading off is the kiss of death, but Idol stacks the middle with those they don’t really care about. Who is voting for Haley Reinhart? All of Milwaukee, a city where Naima Adeapo also hails? You could throw Wisconsin into the mix as it is in the midwest and largely rural, but the only American Idol winners not from the Southern U.S. are David Cook (Kansas City, MO) and Lee DeWyze (Chicago, IL).

Jacob Lusk’s gigantic voice isn’t going to sell pop albums. He’s also a black man and while he has not explicitly said it, come on. He’s gay. Jacob Lusk is a brilliant performer — check out The Awl’s incredible Divanalysis of Lusk’s Wednesday night performance — but he’s not a pop star. And middle-aged white women do not vote for black men, let alone gay black men. The LGBT population has never had an easy ride, but gay black men continue to face an especially sad journey and limited acceptance within their own communities. Even if you’re a straight black man on Idol, you’re screwed — thankfully last year’s judges’ save kept Michael Lynche around longer, but the real reason he was “voted off” to begin with was because middle-aged white women watching Idol don’t vote for black men, even if they’re the proud new papa to a baby girl and bust out the guitar to sing the occasional John Mayer tune.

Middle-aged white women DO, however, go apeshit over Idol’s gay white men more so than the straight ones (see the Glamberts and the Claymates) likely because it is easier for them to justify (in their own minds) naming themselves keeper of [insert body part] here and writing horrific slash — even if their prior experience with “gay culture” is likely limited to a hair salon they once went to, Jm J. Bullock, and Will & Grace reruns.

Ethnicity has never played well to the majority of American Idol viewers. Would Allison Iraheta, one of my all-time favorite Idol contestants, have gone as far as she did had she played up her Hispanic heritage a la last week’s eliminated contestant Karen Rodriguez? Allison, who like Lusk is also from Southern California, had the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 factor going for her to separate her from the competition. (Not to mention an out-of-this-world voice.) David Archuleta also had youth and the Church of Latter Day Saints on his side, so his Hispanic background became null & void. Jason Castro made it to fourth place during the same season because he did not look Colombian. Those bright blue eyes, the sandy-blond dreads, not to mention the fact his family sought to loose all their “ethnic trappings” upon moving to Texas. I do not know how much Spanish Archuleta speaks, but I seriously doubt Jason Castro and his other Idol-loving siblings know anything other than the few things they may remember from a required high school course. The addition of Jennifer Lopez to this year’s panel led to increased attention upon the Hispanic female contestants, but Karen Rodriguez was still the second person sent home. And lest we forget La Lopez really only publicly embraced her own roots as a Puerto Rican once Gigli and the Bennifer fiasco made her an absolute joke.

During season 7, Iraheta was also smartly positioned as the boys’ little sister, which probably earned her a decent share of votes along the way. But when it mattered most, and when Allison Iraheta knocked it out of the park during Season 7′s Rock Week — Allison’s duet with Adam Lambert to Foghat’s Slowride is probably one of my all-time favorite Idol performances — it was Danny Gokey who made the Top 3 even after bastardizing Aerosmith. If you’re a white and you have a penis, you’re always ahead of anyone else on American Idol. (Another sad fact? Adam Lambert and Season 5′s Elliott Yamin remain the show’s top Jewish finishers.)

But American Idol needs Jacob Lusk, just as they so desperately need a female frontrunner. They need to tell you how awesome Lauren Alaina and Pia Toscano are because this is what they want. They cannot admit they’re fully aware the most ardent fans of this show are not voting for the powerfully-voiced black man, nor can they show the world the girls aren’t getting nearly as many votes as the white boys. For the first two weeks, we only had FEMALES in the Bottom 3. Obviously for the big THESE PEOPLE GET TO GO ON THE TOUR episode, the drama & suspense factor had to be blasted on high. Better throw a boy into the mix for suspense AND to show that well, you know, someone is voting for the girls.

Idol needs another Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood because by and large, the female winners of this show do not attract the highly-visible batshit crazy element as so many of their male contestants. Clarkson and Underwood sell records, even Daughtry was unable to match the success of his/their debut with their sophomore album. What will David Cook sell with his next studio effort? Even Adam Lambert, the heavily-annointed sparkly god of all things American Idol, was unable to clear Platinum in the United States with For Your Entertainment. For the guys, a lot of this really does hinge on the fans and when a bunch of scary older ladies are requesting songs ad nauseum, going after any blogger or journalist who says anything negative, combined with the fact radio stations and record labels now know American Idol is more detrimental to one’s career than anything else. It’s a golden ticket to disappointment. Let’s ask Lee DeWyze in a year or two how he feels about winning?

Today’s plucked from obscurity superstars are discovered via YouTube (see Justin Bieber). American Idol is still on MySpace. Their desired audience is barely watching TV because they’re too busy playing games on Facebook and texting their friends. American Idol was something they watched as children with their families. How many teenagers are still sitting down with Mom (& Dad) to watch American Idol every week? It’s about as cool as…MySpace.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes this week’s bottom 3 included Lusk, and probably Naima, whom I just adore and believe to be the most marketable in the pop realm of any female on the show at this time, because you know, she’s “out there” and is really into Africa and stuff. Africa. It’s kind of ethnic and stuff, even with Angelina Jolie adopting all those babies. But throw a sickly Casey Abrams into the mix and you have instant drama, yet we can’t forget a Simon-less Idol is a kinder and gentler one, so let’s have all Top 11 contestants go on tour. NO ONE CRIES. EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

If there was any male solidly in the Bottom 3, one would have to go with Stefano Langone. His take on Lionel Richie’s Hello was straight up cruise ship lounge singer performing for a shipboard wedding. This especially did not win him any points with David Cook fans, many of whom are, in fact, batshit crazy, yet I do agree with them on the fact no other contestant should take on Hello after Cook’s beyond-brilliant alt-rockish rendition of the song during the Season 7 semifinals. This single performance changed the landscape of the show. Being a musician became just as important as having the vocal chops, and Cook’s fellow contestants were forced to up their game based on Cook’s rock-solid performance early on. (The Hollywood Reporter’s Shirley Halperin agrees about the importance of David Cook’s Hello in American Idol’s 10-season history) No Idol contestant has ever played the game as smartly as David Cook.

Back on topic. So who’s currently “winning” this whole damn thing? Don’t count out Paul McDonald, who is impeccable Idol cougar bait if I’ve ever seen it. He’s in his mid-20s, therefore old woman believe it is acceptable to talk about doing all sorts of nasty things to him. He is a WGWG and not hideously unattractive although that never stops them). He’s from Tennessee. He has an interesting voice and reminds them of Rod Stewart. Even if I really to see what his teeth look like underneath a black light, I actually like Paul McDonald. Because I actually DO like him, I already feel bad for the guy since it does seem as if he really does have zero idea of what happens to guys who go on this show. Here’s a great idea, 19 Entertainment — how about putting Paul McDonald and Crystal Bowersox together on a cross-country small venue tour? Hell, getting Bowersox at SXSW was one of the best post-Idol moves I’ve seen, but I’m betting manager Gina Orr (formerly of Jive) was behind that coup.

But who is REALLY winning? Most likely babylockthemdoors Scotty McCreery. Aiken E. Newman is a fine, upstanding young man from North Carolina. He likes Jesus and baseball. He is 17. He sings country and only country. He’s geographically ideal — remember COMMUNITY ORGANIZATION — and he’s also a surefire moneymaker for 19 Entertainment even if he just makes the Top 5. He’ll get a record deal in Nashville and will be touring with Sugarland next summer, a la Danny Gokey and now Casey James (last year’s 3rd-place finisher). Securing a country-singing male is now necessary every season after American Idol realized that yes, there might be a decent-sized audience for a Bucky Covington. Of course, country-izing Danny Gokey will always make me laugh because no matter how many albums he makes in Nashville, that boy will never be country to me. — (Side note: Still convinced Gokey went country because Kris Allen told them to shove it upon the suggestion that he was quasi-country as he is from Arkansas and plays guitar. Kris Allen is cool like that.) American Idol needs a country boy because while he will never be the cash cow, he will produce a positive ROI and keep those viewers below the Mason-Dixon Line happy.

Presenting...Aiken E. Newman

But that Scotty McCreery, well golly gee, he really is country. And the people voting for contestants on this show like that country music. He’s also young. More than anything, American Idol needs a young winner…if only to convince themselves those crazy old ladies with the homemade quilts and boxes of Triscuits and puffy-paint-on-posterboard signs crowding the barricades to the tour buses while sweltering underneath the hot summer sun are not the ones determining “the stars” of their aging talent show.

Just as they want you to believe they love black people, and tan people, and even the Jews…American Idol wants to manipulate. (They SAVED former Hebrew school attendee Casey Abrams! You do know the real reason the Christian Right is always behind Israel. Same thing. Kind of.) They want it to be somewhere between 2003-2005 and they will do anything they can to convince you of this fact. Even with high ratings, American Idol lost its relevancy awhile ago. It’s a pop culture relic of the early 00s. People might watch, but they don’t actually care. Just because you still have a MySpace profile doesn’t mean you ever log in.

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That’s right. Our beloved “Carol” will now be sharing her GLAMDIARY with us — now with illustrations from our very own DEEZ.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! ENJOY

Feb 6
Dear Glamdiary:
I just got Mother settled in the tub to soak, so I thought I’d tell you how my day was. Today was a very good day, I had a full body awakening! I decided today would be the day I would try to get back everything that I’ve lost over these past few days. I’ve been empty inside, playing “FYE” over and over again from the hard drive of my computer, tears flowing nonstop. I’ve been inconsolable, like my beautiful BB has been ripped from my grasp by haters and homephobes. Well, today is the day I decided to change all that. My daughter Donna had a farewell luncheon today for my 19 year old grandson Ryan, he’s being deployed to Afghanistan for 18 months. I really wish I could have made it, but I had SO much to do today. It’s not like I won’t ever see him again, and if I ever get time I’ll box him up a care package and put in a dozen or so copies of “FYE” for the boys in his unit to enjoy. Spread the love, that’s my motto!!

First thing was first, I went to the Piggly Wiggly to get JoAnn to make me another Glambulge. I figured while I was there, I could pick up a few groceries, and get Mother the creamed corn and butterscotch candies she likes, even though I’m still upset with her for driving my car into the pond and ruining my BB’s CD. I get my cart and head to the canned goods aisle, and all of a sudden I hear the unmistakable sound of “WWFM” playing through the supermarket speakers!!! I couldn’t believe my luck!! I stopped right there by the cans of green beans and early peas, closed my eyes, swaying back and forth, and sang loud and proud for the entire store to hear! As I’m swaying and singing the line “baby you’re beautiful and it’s nothing wrong with you, it’s me I’m a freak” (I’m CONVINCED Adam wrote that line for me!!), I feel a strong tingling sensation down there in my little girl parts. As I’m singing, the tingling turns into a burning ache, and I thrust my hips up against the grocery cart, the need so strong…. “It messed me up, need a second to breathe”…I’m bucking my hips and singing the passion as loud as I can…cans of French cut green beans falling at my feet…my whole body taken over in this beautiful passion…I scream out “Whattya want from me!!!”, my knees weaken and I held onto the cart so tight my hands turned deep red. I slowly open my eyes to see the stock boy staring at me, his mouth hanging wide open and a look of fear in his eyes. As I walked towards him, he dropped his price gun and ran off faster than I had ever seen anyone run! One day he’ll understand this kind of passion! It was AMAZING, Glamdiary! My body is ALIVE!!

I bent down and picked up a couple of cans of creamed corn off the floor and put them in the now well used cart and headed over to the bakery. JoAnn was off today, and they had some halfwit named Larry taking cake orders. I explain to Larry that I want a small cake, just big enough for him to airbrush my BB’s Glambulge on, and I took out the picture of the original cake and a pic of BB’s beautiful Glambulge. I told Larry that BB is an almost Platinum selling (if Operation Platinum is a success!!!) ARTIST, the greatest Rock God in the World, and that I would like his penis bulge airbrushed on a small cake. Larry, the ignorant fool that he was, looked at me like I was a woman who had lost her mind and said “Let me get this straight, you want ME to draw some gay dude’s wanker on a piece of sheet cake for you? What kind of guy do you think I am?” I told him I could happily take my cake order to the Piggly Wiggly on the other side of town, and he reluctantly took my order and the picture of the Glambulge and told me it would be ready tomorrow morning. I told him he had better get it right, and he looked at me sideways almost as if he hated me. How could he hate me? He doesn’t even know me. I think he was just a tad jellous of the magnificence of the Glambulge and probably a bit of a homephobe, too.

So, Glamdiary, I’m well on my way to getting the broken pieces of my life back together. The Glambulge will be done tomorrow, I’m going to look into making another Glampenis Candle, and I have to find a way to restock my supply of “FYE” CD’s. That one might be a tricky one, as I’ve maxed out 2 of Stanley’s credit cards supporting BB. I’ll have to figure something out, Operation Platinum is well underway and I have to do my part!!! Oh, Jesus, Glamdiary, I have to go. Mother somehow got out of the tub and is wandering around the neighbor’s front yard. Mother! MOTHER!! GET BACK IN HERE AND PUT YOUR ROBE ON!! THE NEIGHBORS DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT!! Honestly, this woman is going to put me in the nut house. Why can’t she ever just stay put??

I love you, Glamdiary, and I LOVE YOU BB, my Beautiful Golden Child! My Beautiful BB Golden Child who awakened my body and my soul!! Hopefully I’ll have more happy news after I pick up the new Glambulge from the Piggly Wiggly tomorrow morning!!

Love, Carol
AKA
Glambergranny #2
Glamskank #458
Glambert #255
Glambulge Lover #29
Keeper of the Glamunderpants #77
GlamballsLicker #221
DLS Minion #84

(ETA: I’m happy to announce that Glamdiary will now be illustrated!
Thanks TopIdol, deez, and all my devoted readers!)

Spread the word. Do it.

The Los Angeles Times IdolTracker doesn’t quite come out and say what most of us are thinking about Chris Medina this morning…

Yahoo! Music’s Lyndsey Parker gets mad love for her absolutely PERFECT TWEET announcing her recap — American Idol in the Land of Cheese and Gokey. I may have to have a little side discussion with her, however, regarding her sympathy towards Pimp My Crip Chris Medina. There’s something just not right about how that was played out on TV.

Gawker’s Richard Lawson is just all-around awesome and he’s the only person to “go out of his way” to “not mention” Pimp My Crip. (I am using every opportunity to call this guy Pimp My Crip, though, at least until it catches on.) I so want to hang out with Richard Lawson. I tard for him. Sample prose:

Back to the teens! There was a girl who drove up from Littleton, CO with her family and she was really excited, because she had been “working so hard” for this for so long. She is fifteen years old. What has she been working so hard on? “You know, just eighteen months ago, Kaylee [or whatever] was actually nine-years-old. But she worked really hard, and now she is 15 and eligible. Just goes to show you what a little determination can do.” I don’t really get when kids show up and warble a few notes and say they’ve worked really hard for this. I get it if you’re like some 15-year-old figure skater whose only friends are two middle-aged coaches and a Zamboni driver, and you go to the Hotlympics and you say “I worked really hard for this!” Because you did! You could have been out there with the other kids, playing Jerk the Jerk and sneaking into the Saw movies. But you weren’t. You worked hard at something. Girl driving up from Littleton because she likes to sing once in a while? Not the same thing!

Popdust’s Maura Johnston calls out both the obsession with finding Tween Bait AND Jennifer Lopez’s exquisite bitchface when Jovan Raymond busted out a little Jenny On The Block. Sorry, JLo, but I’ve just never been fooled by the rocks that you got.

Now with TVLine, Michael Slezak is still good ol’ Michael Slezak. Would you want him to be anything else? HELL NO. (Psst. Slezak. You better bring Kristen Baldwin over for some Idol chat brilliance this season. I really need to hear her take on Pimp My Crip Chris Medina.)

The Glamberts are bored. Good thing Out Magazine has given them a poll to spam! (MARC JACOBS WILL ALWAYS WIN IN MY HEART.) Gee, Out…including Perez Hilton? I assume this is only in the name of web traffic, right? Also, it seems they needed 100 OUT notable gay males so I guess this sort of…I mean, Clay Aiken is also on there. Oh, Andy Cooper. If you would just say those two little words, we would no longer have to include Perez Hilton on these arbitrary polls.

Danny Gokey Tweeted some words of support to his heir apparent.

People hated me 4 sharing my story on idol & now Im already seeing their starting 2 bash Chris Medina for his. His story will help many!!

Chikeze Eze is going to jail. All over a bottle of cologne. What happened to you, Chikeze? You seemed like such a good boy. Don’t let me down. (What cologne was it, anyway?)

Tonight, American Idol goes to Nashville. What do you think? Hang out at with all of us wonderful creatures and comment about it below. (Obviously, I will be recapping, but recapping takes time. Precious, precious time.)

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The 2011 Grammy Nominations have been announced. Glamberts can now crow about their lord & savior being a GRAMMY NOMINEE because Adam Lambert got a Best Male Pop Vocal nod for Whataya Want From Me. I would bet the entire paycheck that was direct deposited in my bank account 24 hours ago that they are now already calling them THE GLAMMY AWARDS.

Sorry, Glamtards. I can’t see Lambert beating Bruno Mars or a dead Michael Jackson, even though people say its not even him on the track. Daddy Joe has always had the entrepreneurial spirit. And I dig Whataya Want From Me. Besides the Michael Buble song, it’s the only song I know on the list. If it won, I would be perfectly happy–only if there weren’t Sparkle cows who would then attached GRAMMY WINNING into anything about him, right along side Freddie Mercury, Brian May, and Steven Spielberg. It ain’t worth it for the dude to get a little gold trophy.

Other nominated Idol people include Fantasia and that dull-as-rocks stick figure called Carrie Underwood. Sure some great acts like Ray LaMontagne, Mumford & Sons, Arcade Fire, and Florence + The Machine received nominations, but these are automatically canceled out by such shit as Katy Perry being up for ALBUM OF THE YEAR. I want Gaga to spit on you, Katy Perry. The Moppet of Beelzebub Justin Bieber might be BEST NEW ARTIST. What is this world coming to? If it comes down to Wheelchair Jimmy and Bieber, I’m rooting for Wheelchair Jimmy. And Glee got nominated for something. Have the Grammys have ANY shame?

Another nominee I’m happy about but can’t believe I’m saying I’m happy about — Lady Antebellum for Need You Now. Yeah. I love that song. It speaks to me sometimes. But haven’t the Grammys been dead since Sacco & Vanzetti. Ooops. I meant Milli and Vanilli.

Check out Maura Johnston’s live blog of the nominees for Grammy.com! We love Maura!

AOL called these the “full list” but that’s not true because there is nothing about classical music, or jazz, or R&B. (Nor is there anything about mama, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or getting drunk…) Tonight, I will go to bed and dream of a world without those Kardashians or Katy Perry. I’m shocked they didn’t nominate a Kardashian for anything. You can’t go/do/read anything without seeing one of them. The world is a sad, sad, place. Also sad? BASSNECTAR WAS NOMINATED FOR NOTHING.

Song of the Year
‘Beg, Steal or Borrow’ — Ray LaMontagne
‘Forget You’ — Cee-Lo
‘The House That Built Me’ — Miranda Lambert
‘Love the Way You Lie’ — Eminem Feat. Rihanna
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum

Album of the Year
‘The Suburbs’ — Arcade Fire
‘Recovery’ — Eminem
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum
‘The Fame Monster’ — Lady Gaga
‘Teenage Dream’ — Katy Perry

Best New Artist
Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence and the Machine
Mumford and Sons
Esperanza Spalding

Record of the Year
‘Nothing on You’ — B.o.B. Feat. Bruno Mars
‘Love the Way You Lie’ — Eminem Feat. Rihanna
‘Forget You’ — Cee-Lo
‘Empire State of Mind — Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys
‘Need You Now’ — Lady Antebellum

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
‘King of Anything’ — Sara Bareilles
‘Halo (Live)’ — Beyoncé
‘Chasing Pirates’ — Norah Jones

Best Pop Performance By a Group or Duo with Vocals
‘Don’t Stop Believin’ (Regionals Version)’ — Glee cast
‘The Only Exception’ — Paramore
‘Babyfather’ — Sade
‘Hey, Soul Sister (Live)’ — Train

Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals
‘Airplanes, Part II’ — B.o.B., Eminem & Hayley Williams
‘Imagine’ — Herbie Hancock, Pink, India.Arie, Seal, Konono No 1, Jeff Beck & Oumou Sangare
‘If it Wasn’t for Bad’ — Elton John & Leon Russell
‘Telephone’ — Lady Gaga & Beyoncé
‘California Gurls’ — Katy Perry & Snoop Dogg

Best Pop Instrumental Performance
‘Flow’ — Laurie Anderson
‘Nessun Dorma’ — Jeff Beck
‘No Mystery’ — Stanley Clarke
‘Orchestral Intro’ — Gorillaz
‘Sleepwalk’ — The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Best Pop Instrumental Album
‘Pushing the Envelope’ — Gerald Albright
‘Take Your Pick’ — Larry Carlton & Tak Matsumoto
‘Heart And Soul’ — Kenny G
‘Singularity’ — Robby Krieger
‘Everything Is Everything: The Music Of Donny Hathaway’ — Kirk Whalum

Best Pop Vocal Album
‘My World 2.0′ — Justin Bieber
‘I Dreamed a Dream’ — Susan Boyle
‘The Fame Monster’ — Lady Gaga
‘Battle Studies’ — John Mayer
‘Teenage Dream’ — Katy Perry

Best Dance Recording
‘Rocket’ — Goldfrapp
‘In For The Kill’ — La Roux
‘Dance In The Dark’ — Lady Gaga
‘Only Girl (In The World)’ — Rihanna
‘Dancing On My Own’ — Robyn

Best Electronic/Dance Album
‘These Hopeful Machines’ — BT
‘Further’ — The Chemical Brothers
‘Head First’ — Goldfrapp
‘Black Light’ — Groove Armada
‘La Roux’ — La Roux

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Hmmm…so I suppose I should talk about something related to Idol, no? I did see Adam Lambert made a really gay Tweet. Come on, Glamberts, rake me over the coals and call me a homophobe. You won’t take into account all of my gay friends would also call this Tweet really gay, the ones I have been friends with long before you ever discovered Adam Lambert and decided to crusade against the world’s rampant homophobia and bullying through calling people homophobic and bullying them in online comments sections.

I have no idea what Adam Lambert meant when Tweeting the name Barbara Streisand, but the woman is a crucial part of gay pop culture. Guess what? If I describe something as being gay, its not necessarily derogatory. You know who is also fabulously and fantastically gay? CHER. I just love Cher and have since I first saw her. Once my oldest sister played those 45s of Dark Lady and Gypsies Tramps & Thieves for me when I was young, I was HOOKED. Cher and Streisand, they’re gay icons. If you made me choose between Madonna and Cher, Cher would win EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because Cher is real. Cher is a true goddess who walks amongst us Earth. Cher also has an Oscar. (Did you know I have an Oskar and I would never trade him for an Academy Award?) Madonna will never have an Oscar in an acting category. But that Cher, well, Cher can do anything. And I don’t care how many nubile pubescent Brazilian boys Madonna brands with a Kabballah bracelet, Cher did the whole younger man thing first! Oh Bagel Boy Rob Camilletti, where art thou?

One of my big guilty pleasures is After All, Cher’s duet with Peter Cetera from the film Chances Are. That movie is also a guilty pleasure of sorts, and in the process of writing his blog post, I wonder if I’ve long possessed an unrealized appreciation for that trainwreck Ryan O’Neal. He also starred in Irreconcilable Differences. Robert Downey, Jr. was quite adorable in Chances Are. It’s such a fluff film. I’m not quite sure why I enjoy it. I also quite enjoy Doc Hollywood. We all have our little secrets. Oh. And its almost the time of year again when I watch Love Actually. That’s another one. I think that dreckitude with all those famous American actors about Valentine’s Day tried ripping that film off. I saw about an hour of that after arriving home late last night. It was either that or a P90X informercial and I sometimes like to see a little of things just to see if they really as horrible as I assume them to be. And it was, oh it so was. Of course, anything with Julia Roberts makes me want to scream and it seems she was playing an Army captain or something in this one! All of it was just so wrong. I also have no idea why this Bradley Cooper person has been deemed some sort of hearthrob, then again, big blue eyes and blondish hair have never quite done it for me. The only person who did not completely embarrass herself in this shitty ensemble piece was Anne Hathaway. She has a knack for over-the-top accents. Now please, I must stop talking about this hella-dreadful film. I am ashamed for admitting I turned it on at 3am.

Ah yes. This was going to be an Idol Quickies post, wasn’t it? But nothing is really happening in Idol World so I’m at a loss. I’m perusing MJ’s for relevant content because she’s always on top of this stuff. It seems that Phil DeWeezy is gonna perform at halftime during today’s Giants game. But its not like they show the halftime show on national TV when its not the Super Bowl. Sorry Lee DeWyze tards! It’s not gonna happen for him today. And probably not any other day but to quote the great Langston Hughes, hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

David Archuleta is in Singapore. Again, people, I’m grasping at straws here. Grasping at straws.

But you know who is awesome? Jennifer Hudson. She performed on the Tina Fey Tribute–The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and that’s going to be airing on your local PBS station soon. Jennifer Hudson is just wonderful and breathtakingly beautiful, isn’t she? And even my jaded soul can’t help but admire her strength in the face of the horrific tragedies she’s gone through. Like Cher, she also has an Oscar for acting. According to various reports I’ve seen on the Tina Fey special, lots of great people were there and NO ONE mentioned that nitwit Kristen Wiig. I hope they did not allow her in the building. American Humor and Kristen Wiig. One of these things is not like the other.

A star-studded lineup of entertainers including [Lorne] Michaels, Fred Armisen, Steve Carell, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Jennifer Hudson, Jane Krakowski, Steve Martin, Seth Meyers, Tracy Morgan, Amy Poehler and Betty White were all on hand to pay tribute to Fey, an alum of NBC’s Saturday Night Live.

So Jennifer Hudson maybe got to hang out with Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Tracy Morgan, Betty White and JON HAMM. Jennifer Hudson is living the fraking dream. Just look at that dinner party lineup.

Speaking of SNL, I have not watched last night’s episode yet but I don’t recall Scarlett Johansson being good the first time she hosted. I’m still bitter about how they wasted Jon Hamm two weeks ago. I mean, that takes serious effort. I always enjoy reading Jezebel’s Saturday Night Open Thread to get a gauge on reactions to new shows. You can find me posting on there sometimes, typically expressing my unabashed hatred towards that Kristen Wiig.

This was a nice experiment, wasn’t it? Hey. I tried. Now I will go back to staring at this photo of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and a puppy dog.

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