CDBNYC went to Newark for the Idols show. Along for the ride were Kodachrome621 and GloriaGloria. If you haven’t gone to a concert with them before, you really should put this on your bucket list. (I’m one of the lucky ones.)

If you’re wondering why the hell they went to Newark to see the likes of your cousin Phil DeWheezy and Drunk Benami sing songs sung better by other people, its because they took advantage of that LiveNation deal offering up seats for $10 and could see the amusement in getting drunk in Newark for an Idols show.

Why was I at the American Idol Season 9 tour, you ask? Sigh. I guess the time has come to admit it. I’m madly in love with Andrew Garcia. Totally butt-crazy in love with him, you might even say. Yes, I know he’s married and has an adorable little child, but I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re meant to be together. Andrew, I really want to love you forever. You’re not just caught in a hit and run.

…or the tickets were cheap, and I thought it would be amusing to go.

We came to Newark fully armed for the AI tour experience. Our arsenal included three Phil Dweezy pins (we may be ambivalent about Lee DeWyze, but we loooooooove Phil Dweezy), one “I <3 Tim” pin, one “BOW-ER-SOX” pin, one “I’m just here for the music” pin (everyone should buy a $10 pinmaker – seriously awesome investment), and copious amounts of alcohol.  We did not acquire any more pins while at the Prudential Center. We did, however, acquire quite a lot more beer.

We began our evening in the third-to-last row of the arena. It was a looooooong way away. I’m pretty sure Didi performed while we were up there. I couldn’t tell you for sure, though. They might have just been playing the background music from an episode of Gilmore Girls while some blond crew member wandered around.  Andrew Garcia definitely performed. He sang all of “Straight Up” standing way at the back of the stage. Maybe he was afraid to get too close to the audience? I don’t blame him – people are pretty angry about what he did to “Genie In A Bottle.”

They let us move about 10 rows forward at that point. Things were much improved. And they began to look up musically, as well!  Katie Stevens doesn’t have much personality, but at least she has energy and a decent belt. Girl was working HARD to get that audience engaged, and I appreciate that. She will be a valued member of her college drama department and/or a cappella group.

Tim Urban. Oh, Tim Urban. I love you. I was wearing a pin that proclaimed my love for you. But darling? Out of a group of people who can’t really sing, you can’t really sing the most. Your Goo Goo Dolls song was painful. (You should have sung Iris. I hate Iris with a violent passion, but that would at least have been funny. To me.) Viva La Vida was significantly better. But why no slide, Tim? Why no goofiness? And most importantly, WHY THE FLAT IRONING? It turned your luscious 70s teen idol locks into boring emo hipster hair. It robbed you of your powers. It made me sad. Don’t do that again, okay? And give up on the music thing and get a job on a CW show. You’d be perfect for 7th Heaven v.2.

Siobhan needs a band. She’s out there in her goth milkmaid costume, with her eerie intro music and her piercing wails, and there’s no one for her to interact with. She needs more bodies on stage. And they need to not make her sing Spiderwebs. It’s a fun song, but it ain’t a Siobhan song.

High School Student Aaron Kelly? Was awesome. Who knew? He’s totally viable as a country artist. (I say, as someone who doesn’t really listen to country music.) His vocals were strong, his song choices were good (though the Lonestar version of Walking In Memphis lacks the punch of the original), his energy was high, he filled a large arena. Good for you, High School Student Aaron Kelly! Go be Country Bieber, with less annoying hair! Godspeed!

Performers 10-5 sang The Climb. It should have been Party In The USA.

At intermission, the drinking continued. As did the ticket upgrades. A truly awesome friend gave us some extra tickets for the first tier, just above the floor. So much closer! People were actually getting into the show down on this level! Standing up? Eh, not so much. But definitely reacting more audibly. So that was fun.

Mike Lynch’s set was like molasses. Sooooooooooo sloooooooooow. He went down on one knee at some point. Mike, the Prudential Center doesn’t want to marry you. Really. Please don’t propose to us, it’ll just be embarassing for all involved. Oh, and never rap again, okay? Glad we sorted that out.  Casey’s set (with the exception of that damn Don Juan De Marco song, which we’ll lump in with Mike’s set as the same critiques apply) was fun. That boy can certainly play guitar. Vocals were pretty good, too, although he’s still majorly lacking in stage presence. Again, song choice. Important. And well done. Good luck with southern rock, Casey – it suits you.

Crystal Bowersox should have been at Lilith Fair. But I’m glad she was here. Because there’s no way I’m going to Lilith Fair (just can’t deal with that many female singers at once - I’m trying to conquer my musical misogyny, really I am), and I was very very happy to see Crystal live. She’s great. She just tears into her songs with energy and passion and skill, and brings the audience along with her. I haven’t wailed “What’s Up” that loudly since 8th grade.

And then there was Lee. The audience loved Lee. There were more puffy paint shirts for him than for anyone else. There were women of all ages carrying his photo around. He’s clearly the heartthrob of the season. (But…Tim!)  To be fair, Lee stayed pretty much on key throughout, which is far more than he managed on 90% of his AI performances. But his arrangements are odd (he made Beautiful Day sound like Free Fallin’, and turned Hallelujah into a headbanger), his vocals make almost everything sound like Creed (you know what the world needs? More Creed!), and he sang Use Somebody. So, no. I’m sorry, Lee. But you are not for me.

Then they all sang It’s My Life/My Life Would Suck Without You. A beautiful medley built around the theme “Songs Performed On Glee.” Honestly, after watching them perform this on Good Morning America, I devoted a full hour of my life to memorizing the lyrics to My Life Would Suck Without You, so I could sing along loudly enough to drown out the actual singers. This proved not to be strictly necessary – they sounded totally okay. But I learned those Kelly Clarkson lyrics, and I used them, damn it.

We stopped briefly at the barricades on our way out. There were a lot of people there. I’m not sure why, but I choose to believe that the draw was Jim Cantiello, who was interviewing fans. I mean, those people weren’t really there for Didi Benami, were they?

All in all, it was a good time. Due, for the most part, to the company and the alcohol, rather than the singers, but hey, whatever. And I seem to have developed a taste for the ridiculous (provided it comes at a low price). I’m totally seeing if I can score cheap tickets to the NYC stop of the Ruben/Clay tour.

I’ve heard they do a medley where Ruben sings Tik Tok and Clay sings Baby Got Back. How can I miss that?

Spread the word. Do it.

Big Mike and company were likely tired from their big day of performing and pranking sweet little puppy dog Aaron Kelly (aka Aar Bear). He did enjoy a midday sandwich, which made me feel better, but its not the same. It only counts at night.

Screw Idol. I can’t wait to see Inception this weekend. It’s really the only movie I’ve wanted to see all summer. Have you seen the online prequel comic The Cobol Job?

Glamberts are turning their wrath on the American Music Association again. They’re mad because Adam Lambert hasn’t been asked back to perform on this year’s AMA show, which is apparently in the planning stages. This is the part where I decide not to say anything because its unnecessary.

Kris Allen went to the Paul McCartney show. And his face melted. I have no idea whether he and his friends bought a ticket for that stuffed E.T.

Carrie Underwood. Still married. And guess what? I still don’t fraking care.

Sandwich Idol played Mohegan Sun last night. Tonight, they’re in New Hampshire. I suspect they may be near Boston in the next few days but I know I will not be attending, as no one I know in real life would go with me (I don’t blame them) and it would require me to drive. Although I am not an alcoholic, it would be impossible to sit through sober and I’m not driving drunk.

Spread the word. Do it.

(Bet those manning the cameras had to squeeze in closer than usual.)

For some reason, TBTB thought it would be really funny to have them sing a song with the word suck in the title. And hey, since mashups are tres cool these days, why NOT make one of Bon Jovi’s It’s My Life and Kelly Clarkson’s My Life Would Suck Without You.

The anchors can’t remember Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami, but hey, I forgot the latter existed, too. The only person who looks happy to be there is Michael Lynche, then again, he would be happy if you let him sing at a supermarket opening. Even Teflon Timmy Urban has lost his smile. Innocent puppy dog Aaron Kelly won’t even sing into the mic.

Did all of these people drive over someone’s pet puppy (granted, Lee DeWyze may have done this at some point in his life, but if I’ve learned anything on Law & Order: SVU, its that juvenile records are sealed)? I almost feel sorry for them. Ok, well maybe not. I mean, at least not for Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. I do feel the most pain for Crystal Bowersox and Casey James, though, you know they wish they never left the dive bars where they had weekly residencies. Its just not worth it when you’re subjected to such nationally-televised humiliation.

Spread the word. Do it.

What the hell did Kelly Clarkson ever do to deserve this shit?

(Thank you, Vote for the Worst)

Spread the word. Do it.

Crystal Bowersox (aka Ellen Barkin's younger sister?)

Is this it? Is this…the end? Well, although I doubt any of us will ever want to watch it again, it was nice spending Season 9 of American Idol with all of you. Tonight, almost every other former Idol contestant is in the house not because they’re naming Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze as the new American Idol, but because its Simon Cowell’s last night on the show. So this isn’t about crowning the next singing superstar (HA!), its about ensuring Simon Cowell is sent off with a proper tongue bath & circle jerk. And then Lee DeWyze will win because even though Crystal blew him out of the water last night, we all know by now a woman can’t win this damn thing.

There was only a 2% difference between winner and loser this year. Seacrest obviously deferred to the percentage, seeing as the total vote tallies are likely fairly pathetic compared to past seasons. Crystal and Lee are also wearing school uniforms, which will obviously be part of a cringe-inducing final two theme in the vein of boxing (season 7) or guyliner-vs.-guy-next-door (season 8, but was that even a theme?). Tonight, we will be treated to performances from Idols new (Kris Allen) and Idols past (a Kelly Clarkson — Fantasia duet is obviously the most anticipated). Carrie Underwood will once again be lavished with undeserved praise. Oh. And a bunch of people our parents age are gonna rock out like its AARP Idol. Bret Michaels is tonight’s “surprise” musical act — he’s gonna sing with a hole in his heart and an iffy brain stem. He can do it. (Side note, Bret Michaels may now be tied with Henry Rollins for appearing on the most random TV shows, although the latter did appear on Unsolved Mysteries so you really can’t top that one. Sorry, Bret.)

Ah…the school theme is realized. Orianthi is playing Alice Cooper’s School’s Out while the TOP 12 sing. Siobhan Magnus uses this chance to show midriff. I am reminded Lacey Brown is one of those very dull girls who thinks dumping Kool-Aid on her hair will make her interesting. And then a bunch of other people come out, who may be…?

OMG. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Casey James. Casey introduces Alice Cooper (aka Scott MacIntyre’s buddy!). I want to see Alice Cooper and Aaron Kelly hug. It might just make all the sense in the world right now. All of this was so very weird, yet so very American Idol.

KRIS ALLEN
The Truth

Performing his latest single The Truth, last year’s winner and his equally attractive band (I really hope the bassist does not get confused with Constantine Maroulis tonight. Poor guy.) get to be the first of tonight’s musical guests. It’s not the best I’ve heard the song done, and its not the best Kris Allen song, but hey, this guy could have likely wiped the floor with this season’s batch of middling contenders. And it really is incredible to see how far he’s come as a performer in only one year. Look at him work the stage. (Hey, I am admittedly a Kris Allen FAN. Not a TARD. I do not obsess over how Jive is marketing him or whether or not he gets to appear on American Idol more than once a season.

SIMON COWELL TRIBUTE MONTAGE

Wow. Look at Simon from 9 years ago. Is it age? New haircut? Both? Oh PAULA PAULA PAULA ABDUL. I love you so much. Oh Kara DioGuardi, why do you always make me look at least one of your shoulders? I don’t like you, or your botoxed shoulders.

Let’s face it. For all the times you’ve wanted to smack the guy, the show is Simon Cowell. It’s why it was such a phenomenon. Seacrest is merely a talking head. American Idol WAS Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS & AARON KELLY &…THE BEE GEES
How Deep is Your Love

In the “we have to stick them with someone” category of tonight’s show, Siobhan and Aaron duet to a Muzak version of How Deep is Your Love before the Bee Gees join them. I am pissed I see Barry Gibb’s chest hair but NO FUNKY GOLD MEDALLION. I want to hear him talk about these CRAZY CRAZY TIMES. Bastard. I can’t hear Aaron much because Siobhan is drowning him out. Siobhan Magnus, I’ve decided something tonight. I really kind of hate your voice. Next please.

MICHAEL LYNCHE & MICHAEL MCDONALD
Taking it to the Streets

Oh jesus. Taylor Hicks Michael McDonald and Big Mike. This is worse than the 102.5 KEZK, the easy listening station my mother listens to if driving somewhere in the morning. They are paired with one another because they are both cheesy and named Michael. Big Mike is wearing his wallet chain. Michael McDonald sounds like he’s about to hock up a Danny Gokey hairball. Michael McDonald, I think you may have been good at one time but you sing Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and that enough for me to write him off. (Don’t you remember that irritating Verizon commercial from early last decade?)

DANE COOK IS NOT FUNNY

Dane Cook roasting Simon Cowell while strumming a guitar. Dane Cook might have a big dick or something, because that might be the only thing to explain his rise to stardom. The bit is dreadfully unfunny, until some favorite “bad auditions” of seasons past come out. The I am your brother guy, that Mary chick (I think), Tatiana del Toro, some others, and…NORMAN GENTLE!!! NOOOOO! Just as Nick Mitchel (aka Norman) is about to speak, this Ian Bernardo (?) guy keeps going and as soon as Norman gets the mic, we’re on another commercial. I’ve also already forgotten Dane Cook was there.

TOP 6 GIRLS & CHRISTINA AGULIERA
Beautiful/Stronger

Oh how cute. All the loser girls get to sing Beautiful / Stronger Christina Aguliera medley. The wardrobe department cut the budget this year, which explains why Paige Miles and Katie Stevens were stuffed into two of Adam Lambert’s jock straps. Siobhan Magnus almost falls in her stilettos. I giggle. Crystal Bowersox made me almost like the lyric she sang — but Beautiful is such a shit song. Katie Stevens gets to introduce Christina, a once-fledgling pop princess, now an almost has-been before the age of 30. Xtina is desperately trying to be edgy by attempting to look like a Eva Peron-Princess Leia-Betty Draper love child foregoing pants because Lady Gaga does not like pants.

Fast-forwarding so I can see a little HALL & OATES! What did Ricky Gervais do to deserve going on American Idol? Oh, I see. He’s friends with Simon Cowell. I can live with this, can’t you? Can Ricky Gervais just do the rest of the show?

TOP 6 BOYS & HALL & OATES

Lee DeWyze kicks I Can’t Go For That wearing another schoolboy blazer, this time with a purple heart or medal of honor or something. Awwww. Now here’s a sight for sore eyes! Timmy Urban! It’s the most ferocious boys in the bunch. They will take your lunch money and then kick you in the shins.

Awwww! Casey James and Tim Urban kick off Maneater. This is so much better than the girls. So much better. Casey even gets to solo with a little goat vibrato on the chorus! Oh Hall & Oates. I was first introduced to you by my mother, obviously, but I love you so. Long live Philadelphia Soul, dammit! And how sweet. You let all the boys do the ooooh-oooh-oohhhs on You Make My Dreams Come True. That diva Aguliera made the other girls skidaddle almost as soon as she took the stage.

Clearly this show was produced for the menopausal set. Activia and Boniva really missed the boat not buying ad space during tonight’s Finale.

CRYSTAL BOWESOX & ALANIS MORISSETTE
Ironic / You Oughta Know

I must admit. Crystal Bowersox and Alanis Morissette is a rather inspired pairing. And look at Alannis. Damn, she’s beautiful. Kara DioGuardi is totally gonna try and suck her blood after tonight’s show. The Botox is hiding it right now, but she is seething. Absolutely seething at the site of 1995′s Canadian Goddess in all of her stunning glory. Oh yes, Kara DioGuardi. Alanis Morissette is a real-life singer/songwriter. She was permitted to have a career as both! And she’s aging better than you. Suck it, Kara. Go cry in your Open Toed Shoes. There are just No Boundaries as what you will do for eternal youth, but don’t you dare try drinking Alanis Morissette’s blood.

CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Undo It

This piece of shit was written by Carrie Underwood and Kara DioGuardi. It’s utterly forgettable and sounds like Before He Cheats. Carrie moves her non mic-holding arm a bit more than when she was on American Idol, but it still looks a bit as if she lost mobility in a stroke. I know she’s one of the biggest country superstars of the last decade, but…she’s not one of my favorites.

NOW LEE & CRYSTAL GET THEIR FORD AUTOMOBILES

Kris Allen has the honor of presenting Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze with their Fords. He says they have no idea they will be getting a new car. Come on, Kris. Everyone knows this! Oh, I see. They think they’re on their way to a photo shoot. This is all very Tyra Banks!

I’m happy. I’m just glad to be here, you know?

Huh, DeWyze? Where did that come from? I mean, it sounded so…weird. Perhaps there is truth to what that idiot said on that idiotic message board about you being slightly retarded? I kid, I kid. Just don’t give him any pet rabbits.

Kris Allen tells them the custom Ford graphic designs they made earlier this season have come back to haunt them. Yeah. They took those designs and made them their own little cars. How much do you wanna bet they just cobbled a bunch of shit together that day because they were in a hurry? Because that’s what I would have done. And that’s what you would have done.

The final Ford Commercial to My Wish is an equivalent to one of those clip show episodes of a sitcom, therefore, it does not require any commentary.

CASEY JAMES & BRET MICHAELS
Every Rose Has a Thorn

Awwwww…what sweet blond ambition. Our beloved goat and Bret Michaels, hair metal’s biggest fighter! He’s back on stage after being twice hospitalized in the past month and winning that Celebrity Apprentice shit. Please be careful, Bret Michaels. Casey James and Bret Michaels are now the stars of tonight’s show. Really? Bret Michaels’ first performance after a blood clot on his brain stem and discovering he has a hole in his heart (Hey, you just don’t know what some of those Rock of Love girls are carrying…) is on American Idol. With Casey James, the best-ever guitarist in the history of the show. Casey James, YOU WIN.

LEE DEWYZE & CHICAGO
If You Leave Me Now/song with numbers

Oh I get it. Because he’s from Chicago. No Peter Cetera? This looks as if your ne’er do well cousin Fred got shit-faced and decided to sing with the Old Dudes with Horns band in the 3pm slot at the local St. Peter’s Festival. Oh please oh please. Don’t let him do the chorus. Don’t. No. THE KITTY CATS ARE STILL ALIVE BUT NOW THEY ARE IN HEAT. NOOOOOO. THE POOR LITTLE KITTY CAT IN HEAT. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING. WHY ARE YOU LETTING THAT KITTY CAT BE VIOLATED BY ALL THOSE OTHER CATS. STOP THE SCREAMING. IF YOU LEAVE THIS STAGE NOW, I PROMISE I WILL BE A NICE PERSON.

Oh yes. Just as I thought. We will find out everybody has been dead this whole time. Are you watching this? If I am wrong and everybody is not dead, at least one or two of tonight’s performers will need a hip replacement tomorrow. Please say its not Bret Michaels.

To erase all of that, I need to watch the greatest cinematic use of If You Leave Me Now from my all-time favorite movies, Three Kings.

Some douchebag in a burgundy velvet sportjacket named Matt is holding down the fort in Lee’s hometown of Mt. Prospect, IL. I really don’t care. I want to see more PAULA ABDUL. I WANT IT TO BE THE OLD DAYS WITH CLASSIC PERCOCET PAULA AND SIMON COWELL BANTER. Kara DioGuardi, go away. I want more Paula Abdul, dammit! More Simon-approved fluff…yada yada yada….can’t wait until I can blog about X-Factor, which will be much bigger than American Idol. More people will need to read recaps because more people will be watching. Is it Fall 2011 yet?

Seacrest muses with Simon about his favorite Idol performances — Fantasia’s Summertime, Kelly Clarkson’s A Moment Like This and Adam Lambert’s Mad World. All the batshit crazy Glamberts lighting candles because their lord & savior is on vocal rest right now just creamed their granny panties and ran to their computers to furiously type comments on blog posts everywhere on how this means Adam Lambert is the greatest American Idol contestant of all time.

GENERAL LARRY PLATT & WILLIAM HUNG
Pants on the Ground

Arguably the only watercooler moment of American Idol Season 9, Pants on the Ground just isn’t as good this time around. Even with all the dancers shimmying down to their boxer shorts. Bringing an Ed Hardy-clad William Hung (Trivia: Hung is an avid poker player and regularly makes the rounds in some decent-sized live tournaments) down to the stage, however, makes this one of the more inspired pairings of the evening.

More Simon Cowell tribute montage. But this time, with a lot more Paula!

After 8 years of sitting in between two men with bigger boobs than me, I had enough.

Oh Paula. Can’t we just say this is a tribute to you, too? Because we never got to say a proper goodbye. Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell ARE American Idol. And here she is! She’s on stage! She tells Kara how beautiful she looks tonight with palpable hatred. Kara responds emphatically, of course, that she looks amazing. MORE PAULA ABDUL. Even if she makes a lame joke about having Simon’s baby, its okay. Because its PAULA. And I’ve missed her. She even brings up MC SKAT CAT!!!

Please oh please oh please say Paula Abdul will join Simon Cowell on X-Factor.

American Idol’s not gonna be the same without you, but as I can tell you, it will go on.

She’s choking back tears. I am almost moved. More Simon Cowell montage shit…to Frank Sinatra’s My Way. Does he have his Frank Sinatra handkerchief?

THE IDOL GROUP SING TO END ALL GROUP SINGS
Together We Are One

Kelly Clarkson. Ruben Studdard. Fantasia. Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks. Taylor Hicks. (I really did like his voice.) Kris Allen. Where are you, David Cook? Huh? Everyone is now flanked by all other living former Idol contestants who could make tonight’s show. They are all in white. It is pathetic (they even let Constantine Maroulis and Blake Lewis do the big number), yet I am mesmerized. They are essentially thanking Simon Cowell for everything they’ve become. Oh please. But they’re singing to Paula, too. And for a moment, just one moment, my icy heart almost melts at the site of two somewhat-proud divorced parents during the first dance at their kid’s wedding or something.

Ok. It really didn’t melt, and the song was absolute shite, but whatever, it was nice to see some familiar faces. Matt Giraud, I had no fucking idea how much I missed you. Ace Young, you still look pretty. Kris Allen, the only thing worse than sticking baby in the corner is sticking you next to Jordin Sparks.

So is this Simon Cowell circle jerk over yet? Can we name the winner now? No. He’s gotta give a speech!

It’s great to have this little one back.

Damn straight. Simon hates you, Kara DioGuardi. He hates you. He loves Paula.

THE TOP 12 & JANET JACKSON
Trust In Me / Nasty

Janet Jackson is dressed like how one imagine’s Rhianna’s mother must dress if she was borne into the House Atreides. I am falling asleep. Janet Jackson’s song is putting me to sleep. Why is she singing almost exactly like her deceased brother Michael now? I mean, I guess it might work. I’m getting tired. Janet Jackson, can you pop out an adorned nipple or something? Ah, ok. We’ve moved onto something a bit more uptempo and Janet’s bodacious booty could pop out, as could an adorned nipple. Did Paula choreograph this one, too? I have the overwhelming urge to see Fantasia and Janet Jackson on stage, yet I still feel as if its Michael Jackson singing.

I also hope no one in the audience had a seizure. They had those lasers going on full speed again. Hey, is this show over yet? Seacrest just tells me tonight is about Crystal and Lee? Is it? I’ve already forgotten who they were at this point, and we’re just now doing the look-where-they-came-from-omg-he’s-a-paint-salesman-she’s-a-single-mom montage.

Together they took a journey to become something extraordinary.

Anyhow…I have no energy to touch that one. But they did take a journey to sing A Little Help From My Friends with Joe Cocker, a pairing which fits both of them quite well. Lee didn’t get the memo Crystal was doing the introduction of Cocker, whose role may or may not be performed tonight by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

It was almost kind of sweet, I think. I’m sitting on my sofa in oppressive heat as my Goat Love t-shirt sticks to me. I really just want this to be over, even it will be kind of sad to have no American Idol to recap next week.

The moment is here. Lee DeWyze might finally toss his cookies on stage. Please oh please oh please throw up, Lee. Please.

YOU WIN, FRAUEN. YOU WIN!!

Oh yes. Oh yes. It has been proven. The only way you can win American Idol is if you have a penis. A white one, though. Can’t be one that’s kind of tan or anything. Know something, Crystal Bowersox is gonna be just fine. It’s official, folks. Meet your new Paint Salesman Idol.

Kind of anti-climactic after the Simon Cowell Circle Jerk / Geriatric Bonnaroo, isn’t it? Dude doesn’t even get confetti. Oh wait. There are the pyrotechnics. And here comes the confetti! Now just close your eyes and listen to him sing.

Teach me / I know I’m not a hopeless case

Again. I just don’t have the energy to touch that one. But Casey James still got to sing with Bret Michaels. And Crystal Bowersox & Alanis Morissette. The show’s biggest moments, ironically, were at the hands of the second and third runners up.

Whatever. I still say everyone was dead the whole time. Now let’s discuss why women are incapable of voting for other women on worthless reality TV shows. So go wash down your Boniva with a glass of Franzia White Zinfandel while you play The Boxer for the 1031st time, Lee DeWyze fans, I hope you’re in the mood to buy his album in bulk come November.

As for me, well, I’ll still be around recapping some other shit TV (and really good TV come July). I hope you’ll still visit. Is our time together really done for the year?

Spread the word. Do it.

As per usual, 98% of the songs are beyond shitty. Even on the shiny new updated and expanded Songs of the Cinema list at MJs, which includes the Oscar-winning Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. And as confirmed via Twitter a la “Crystal Bowersox,” we will be hearing DUETS on tomorrow evening’s show. Here’s a spoiler:

Crystal Bowersox + Lee DeWyze (Group 1)
Michael Lynche + Casey James (Group 2)

Ok. It’s really not a spoiler. But I’m willing to bet that’s how it goes down. Maybe Crystal will pretend to be Debra Winger and Lee can tap into his inner Officer and Gentleman for some Up Where We Belong. And then I just want Big Mike to sing the theme from Mahogany, not because he’s black, but because I can just see him singing Do You Know Where You’re Going To because it’s totally in his wheelhouse. Big Mike and Casey should totally duet to Islands in the Stream, mainly because that song cracks me up and I just want to see someone sing it on Idol.

Casey James should make me proud and bust out the God of all Movie Music, Kenny Loggins. Although I would totally have loved to have seen Aaron Kelly do Danger Zone. Do you remember Paige Miles? Yeah. Neither do I, but she would totally be the one to sing I Will Always Love You. (For chrissake, she sang Against All Odds!)

Crystal should go for a little Carly Simon with the ALWAYS AWESOME Let The River Run (from the film Working Girl). Just because its an amazing song. Lee should do Mrs. Robinson, but for some reason, I feel like he sang this song already. Did he? In any case, if the dude is smart he will know it is key to sing a song about being seduced by an older woman. If he does? He wins it right there. But did he sing this before or am I just imagining such things based on the fact we know he lives with his former high school teacher?

Jamie Foxx returns for his second stint as an Idol mentor. Last season, he did a pretty good job. I would also like to know when he’s gonna make that album with Kris Allen, but whatevia. I can wait.

What do you hope the Idols are singing this week? Check out the song list after the jump.

Songs of the Cinema Song List (And they wonder why the show has lost substantial viewership in the 18–49 demographic?)

• (Everything I Do) I Do It For You – Bryan Adams
• (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
• A Whole New World – Brad Kane & Lea Salonga
• Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In – The 5th Dimension
• Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do) – Christopher Cross
• Beauty and the Beast – Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson
• Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
• Can I Have This Dance – Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron & the Cast of HS Musical
• Can You Feel the Love Tonight – Elton John & London Community Gospel Choir
• Can’t Fight the Moonlight – LeAnn Rimes
• Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins
• Don’t You Forget About Me – Simple Minds
• Endless Love – Lionel Richie & Diana Ross
• Evergreen – Barbra Streisand
• Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
• Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
• Flashdance (What a Feeling) – Irene Cara
• Footloose – Kenny Loggins
• Gangsta’s Paradise – Coolio
• Ghostbusters – Ray Parker Jr.
• Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky) – Bill Conti
• Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman – Bryan Adams
• I Believe I Can Fly – R. Kelly
• I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith
• I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston
• I’m Alright (Theme from Caddyshack) – Kenny Loggins
• Into the West – Howard Shore and Annie Lennox
• Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
• It Might Be You (from Tootsie) – Stephen Bishop
• Jai Ho – A.R. Rahman, Sukhvinder Singh, Tanvi Shah et al
• Jailhouse Rock – Elvis Presley
• Kiss From a Rose – Seal
• Let the River Run – Carly Simon
• Live and Let Die – Wings
• Lose Yourself – Eminem
• Moon River (from Moon River) – Audrey Hepburn & Henry Mancini
• Mrs Robinson – Simon & Garfunkel
• My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
• One Night Only – Jennifer Hudson, Deena Jones & The Dreams
• Over the Rainbow – Judy Garland
• Purple Rain – Prince & the Revolution
• Separate Lives – Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin
• Stayin’ Alive – Bee Gees
• Summertime – Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
• Superfly – Curtis Mayfield
• Take My Breath Away (Love Theme from Top Gun) – Berlin
• Up Where We Belong – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
• We Don’t Need Another Hero (Thunderdome) – Tina Turner
• Will You Be There – Michael Jackson
• You’ll Be in My Heart – Glenn Close & Phil Collins

Spread the word. Do it.

I need to meet this guy. I really, really do.
Gawker’s Richard Lawson wrote another funny recap of this week’s American Idol results show. I like Richard Lawson.

He should really be out promoting himself more.
Kris Allen went to Indianapolis as part of VH1′s Save the Music. He had his guitar. There were 1000 children. There are photos of Kris Allen with his guitar and Kris Allen surrounded by little children.

Does home schooling count as a tragic back story?
Little Aaron Kelly chatted with EW’s Jessica Shaw following his Wednesday night elimination. He was homeschooled. He thinks all of his fellow contestants are talented. Whatever. You cannot hate on this sweet little puppy dog of a boy, even if he sang played out songs.

You can also check out MJ’s writeup of yesterday afternoon’s press call with Aaron Kelly. (She’s also compiled several of his post-show interviews with local Fox affiliates.)

I want there to be a song about BBQ
Anoop Desai released his first album, All Is Fair. You can download it. I need to give it a spin, as I was always kind of rooting for Anoop on Idol. He’s educated. I like the educated contestants more than the non-educated ones. Because I am a snob.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat: It’s okay when it’s Kelly
Kelly Clarkson — aka American Idol’s gold standard — recorded a little ironic quasi-electro pop ditty (likely aimed at that douchebag Ryan Tedder) called Wash, Rinse, Repeat. It was leaked. And its kind of fun, but she sounds good singing anything. (Except Already Gone. Me no likey that song.)

You can’t get much more loathesome than these two.
Last night, Kara DioGuardi went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Kara DioGuardi. Jay Leno. I’d rather be dead. (And nice to see she’s already talking about who will make the final. But all the judges do that. Because they suck.)

Slezak. Siobhan. Siobhan. Slezak.
EW’s Michael Slezak sat down for a little Idolatry with Season 9′s sixth-place finisher, Siobhan Magnus.

Spread the word. Do it.

It’s also Cinco de Mayo. And 5 contestants remain. This better mean Kara DioGuardi attempts counting. Alas. There just has to be a group medley of Sinatra songs, but since Siobhan Mangus went home last week, it gives the remaining 4 guys to start things off with Lady is a Tramp to introduce Crystal, the contestant to which all group sing shit shows are centered upon. But since there are so few left, the others get to actually do a bit of soloing.

Everyone wore tuxedos, some with ties, some without. They were dressed for a football game with Tommy Wiseau. Big Mike wore another tiny hat. They came. They “sang.” The entire Rat Pack rolled over in their respective graves.

Next week, Jamie Foxx is returning as a mentor for Movie Theme Week. Tarantino wouldn’t have anything to do with this crop of kiddies, and Idol was able to get Harry this year, so Jamie Foxx gets bumped to Movie Song Week. Ooooh…isn’t it time for the contestants to sing TWO songs? Will they be performing duets again this season?

THE GREATEST IDOL FORD COMMERCIAL EVER MADE

Picture it: A Parisian cafe. A man (Lee DeWyze) spies a woman (Crystal Bowersox) as she examines her glove. Tres bien! The man almost trips over a large black man wearing a beret (They edited out the Kangol logo) making googly eyes at his two tiny dogs (what, no poodles?). A teenager-in-scarf (Aaron Kelly) rides by on a bike, nearly knocking out the man-in-love. After his near-collision with the teenager, our hero then almost collides with the waiter (Casey James) as he carries a tray of three cappuccinos, which must all be for the woman, as she is the only one sitting in the cafe. She stands as the man finally approaches her, or perhaps she just wants her three frothy beverages. They look longingly at each other once more before the man walks over. Oh burn. He walks right past her. The man was just staring at his lime green Ford Fiesta this entire time. He wipes a smudge from the Fiesta logo on the rear, tells it he will made mad passionate love to it when he arrives back at his arondissement, as our heroine looks sad. But the waiter is still there, and he did not spill those three cappuccinos the woman ordered. And he smiles her. The man drives off in his little green car. The bow-tied waiter and the woman begin to talk about life, liberty and equality. The effervescent large black man who is not Andre Leon Talley strolls off with his two pugs. The teenager riding his bike to ecole was hit by the man driving the little green car and died at the scene.

Ok. I totally made the very last part up. However, this minute-long, existential gem shot on a deserted sound stage gem aptly explained the dynamics of the final 5 contestants like nothing we’ve ever seen. The lovely heroine waiting at the cafe for her prince/record contract. The confident hero. The inconsequential happy-go-lucky large black man. The inconsequential teenager just making his way through it all on his bike. And then the waiter. The mere waiter who gets the girl, but is not the hero because he is a lowly cafe waiter with a Metro pass and does not drive off in the car. This explains everything.

More filler ensues, namely just another excuse to play The Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling. What the Idols did pre-Idol is compared with what they are doing now. It’s fairly lame, except frauen are now squeeing after seeing Lee DeWheezy roll out of bed to the sound of his alarm clock. I’m just THRILLED we are shown my old buddies — the judges’ rehearsal stand-ins. OH FAKE RANDY I LOVE YOU. FAKE KARA YOU ARE THE BEST. I MISS YOU ALL.

Obviously, Fake Randy is beloved by all because we are allowed to see him speak. Seacrest even tells Randy to watch his back. Uh, yeah. Because Fake Randy is so much better than REAL RANDY. This is the obvious precursor to Seacrest quizzing the contestants on whatever the hell is is Seacrest talks about. He lingers on Big Mike the longest, leading me to STILL attest it is Lynche who is going home tonight.

Lee DeWheezy goes first. He talks about getting criticized on the show, which is amusing, because it is difficult to recall a time when he was criticized. Naturally, he kind of looks like he’s kind of going to vomit. Simon blows sunshine up his ass and tells him he could win the entire thing, because frankly, the once-beloved Bowersox is too good and too smart to play their reindeer games. The powers that be now believe she is the Harrison Bergeron of American Idol.

Lady Gaga is performing Alejandro in a big black lace veil surrounded by black flowers. Naturally, she leads in with a little piano-fied Bad Romance. Lady Gaga just pocketed $250.000 for putting on some of her Saturday afternoon casual wear and bringing some of her favorite gays to the stage. Somewhere Madonna is crying and 1000 Glamberts are unable to recognize the difference between Lady Gaga’s downtown performance art meets un-ironic camp meets raw natural talent meets costuming that could poke an eye out and their lord & savior, Adam Lambert.

I fraking love this song. Please don’t judge me. I also love that a winged statue of Jesus is shooting fire. The entire Jesus contraption reminds me of this Venus rain lamp which hung in my grandmother’s living room. It fascinated me as a young child, as I could not understand why someone would deliberately hang such a thing in their home.

The next bit of filler is beautiful, as we delve deeper into Harry Connick, Jr.’s time with the contestants. Can we just have Harry be the judge and host of this whole damn thing? Maybe have Debbie the Stage Manager and Fake Randy come out and play a bit, but seriously, if we just let Harry handle this crapfest, it could become a beautiful, beautiful thing. Harry talks on the phone to the exquisite Bybee James! He tells her that her son thought he was Chris Isaak. He says he is dressed like a…

HALF-GOAT. I have no words. This is the most beautiful piece of American Idol filler ever created. This just needs to be the entire show.

The word pitchy does not exist, judges. We need to stop saying that…He’s [Casey] singing out of tune. That’s how we say it. I gotta bone to pick with these judges about that stuff.

He then proceeds to call Big Mike what I think was a fucking asshole. It was bleeped out. I just want to watch Harry Connick, Jr. do this all night. I actually just want to transcribe this entire bit because its beautiful. Its smart. Its sarcastic. Its honest. Its sweet. Its funny. Harry skewers everyone involved with the show and still manages to come off as a charming & sincere rube. I think I am falling in love.

The whole I got a baby thing. Just drop it. Big Mike, drop it for real.

Harry Connick, Jr., you make me want to hump your leg. For the first time all season, American Idol was GOOD. Because you were doing most of the talking. And you were the best fraking mentor that’s ever been on this shit show. I just feel bad you had to coach such a mediocre group, because now I can’t stop picturing you asking Matt Giraud about his mole or telling Adam Lambert to take it down an octave or 10. I’m imagining you telling David Cook’s to wipe away his smug grin. I picture you making a clad-in-yellow Brooke White burst into tears and I picture you pissed off, smoking from Jason Castro’s one-hitter as he eats a burrito over your piano.

Ok. I’ll stop now. Harry just performed And I Love Her. He was perfect. You could also see the disgust in his eyes as the swaybots did their thing. Following his performance, and after a comical dig at Ellen DeGeneres, he introduces the contestants as they perform a few of HIS songs. Holy shit, Idol. You’re forcing us to endure another GROUP SING. And I don’t even care. Because this is the greatest episode of the entire season. Who the hell cares who goes home? Harry Connick, Jr. called Casey a half-goat and told Big Mike (and Crystal, by way of editing) to can it with the baby shit.

Speaking of our beloved Idol goat, Casey James ain’t sounding too bad tonight. Neither did DeWheezy. But these are vocal tracks. Still doesn’t stop Tiny Hat Man! Big Mike solos as if he just drank a GNC protein shake full of whey and melissma. Following the performance, Seacrest has Harry tell his story about when he met Frank Sinatra. He even slips in a joke about spousal abuse. The crowd laughs nervously. Oh stop being so damn politically correct. Basically, Harry performed for Sinatra but Sinatra wasn’t really in the mood for it. When they met after his self-described dismal showing, Old Blue Eyes simply told Jill Goodacre that she was beautiful, kissed her on the lips and walked away.

This is the only evening in the history of this shit show where all I want is more filler. More Harry Connick, Jr. More Gaga. I don’t care who goes home. I just want Harry to talk about goats and how the judges don’t know shit. I just want him to make fun of the contestants more and teach them real things about composition and bad notes, you know, those things that might be helpful if they ever have actual careers in music. And I just know If we keep Harry around just a little longer, he will tell Kara DioGuardi to go to hell, I know it!

Finally down to business. Crystal on one side. Big Mike and Aaron on the other. Casey gets sent to Crystal’s side. Seacrest pulls the whole if you had to choose bit with Lee. He just hates his life right now and wants to throw up. He shoots daggers at Seacrest, shakes his head and simply says No. Surprisingly, Seacrest doesn’t push it. He saw the look of hatred in DeWheezy’s eyes. Seacrest is afraid. It is time to look at the teleprompter once more.

CRYSTAL AND GOATY JAMES ARE SAFE!!! The Bottom 2 are Big Mike and Little Aaron! TOLD YOU SO.

Awwww…and Little Aaron is sent home. Not before Big Mike whispers a few words of encouragement in his ears. Hey, I know a lot of people hated Aaron, but he’s a sweet little boy. I couldn’t even hate on the kid. I hate on almost everybody. Did you ever think this kid would make it to #5? Hell no. I think he’s even pretty happy with his Idol journey. Sure, he looks a little sad now, but he knew he wasn’t gonna win the whole damn thing. For a tiny 17-year-old from nowhere Pennsylvania, he’s a pretty grounded kid. Now he can go back to high school and work on photography, his other great love. And maybe fly on more airplanes. Maybe he’ll get a little country album deal out of the whole damn thing. I just can’t hate on Little Aaron. Sorry. Can’t do it.

But most importantly…

Casey is safe. Go buy a t-shirt. (And then thank Goatlove himself for setting up the little shop. Because Goatlove is an actual person. And then thank Unravel101 for hooking me up with this nifty little design.)

Oh, and Harry Connick, Jr. I miss you already. How about you talk to your agent and see if he can get you a multiepisode arc in Season 4 of Mad Men. Its filming right now. You. Don Draper. Wearing suits and appropriately-sized hats for your handsome appropriately-sized heads. Make it happen, Harry, make it happen.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight is Frank Sinatra night on American Idol. Harry Connick, Jr. even came over to help, as Old Blue Eyes has been dead since 1998. It might be an alright show, except for the fact its American Idol and this year’s contestants may very well have no soul and have chosen the most stereotypical Sinatra songs of all time — outside of New York, New York and My Way, the latter of which Siobhan Magnus had planned on wrecking had she made it to the Top 5.

Seacrest is wrong about one thing. Sinatra’s popularity DID wane during his illustrious career. His Oscar-winning role (Best Supporting Actor) in From Here to Eternity was largely viewed as a comeback for the singer. But you know what hasn’t waned? Harry Connick, Jr.’s looks. The man ages magically. (Wait. He’s only 42. Oh well, he’s still aging beautifully.)

(But if you’re wondering why Harry Connick, Jr. is appearing on American Idol, its because his most-recent album, Your Songs, was made with Satan’s Grandpa himself, Clive Davis.) I have owned only one Harry Connick, Jr. album. Blue Light, Red Light. Buy it. I listened to that CD every night (although sometimes, I did play a little Metallica) as I lie in bed during my entire eighth and ninth grades. I also own several Sinatra albums and have since…childhood.

(Of course Sinatra + Connick isn’t necessarily sweet, sweet melodic kismet when American Idol is factored into the equation.)

Harry, one of New Orleans’ most favorite sons, created the entire arrangements and composition for each contestant. They’re even gonna be backed by members of his own band. And Harry! On piano! Before we kick off tonight’s show — 10 minutes in — with Aaron Kelly’s Fly Me to the Moon, I almost want to believe that Harry Connick, Jr. is going to bring something to life in the final five contestants, and I will realize their enormous talents only with his help. Then I think back to something my mother has often told me. Something about not being able to polish a turd, was it?

Nancy and Tina Sinatra brought Simon one of Frank’s monogrammed hankies. Oh, if those hankies could talk…do you think that hankie wiped vomit off Dean Martin’s chin at the Sands? Because that would be sick. (In a good way.)

Aaron Kelly
Fly Me to the Moon

Since little Aaron is singing another song about the magic of being in love, let’s hope he tells Kara DioGuardi that its all about his childhood dream of becoming an astronaut. Just seeing a few seconds of Harry with Aaron Kelly may ensure he is my favorite mentor ever. He’s trying to teach them things about real music stuff! And he’s charming! And funny! I forgot how much I used to love Harry Connick, Jr.

Aaron got a step 1 spray-on tan and combed his hair back. He’s wearing a tie. He sort of really looks like bizarro world tween Edward Norton now. Or maybe he’s auditioning for some remake of Newsies? Season 9′s little puppy dog that could is predictable in his puppy-like offering of the classic, and some of his natural country twang pops out here and there. He’s not necessarily bombastic, but it’s very bobbysoxer. Very innocent. Smooth? Cool like Frank? Not so much. Atrocious, not really. But I’m a bit confused why Randy and Ellen think it was THAT good. Kara tells him it wasn’t as good as last week, but he was good, and about the same height as Frank Sinatra. Simon is still smiling and marveling at his hankie and believes Aaron will stick around because people like him.

Are the judges complimenting little puppy dog Aaron to ensure he goes home this week? Will they pull more of the same on Michael Lynche? And is the #2 performance spot for Casey James Idol’s way of attempting to send him home, because guess what? Lee DeWheezy sings in the pimp spot tonight — although such placement did nothing for Siobhan Magnus last week. Perhaps its just difficult to decide who sucks the most as the list gets shorter.

Casey James
Blue Skies

This week will be the first time Casey takes the Idol stage without a guitar. (And since Harry said he wrote and composed the arrangements, perhaps Casey it explains why Casey “messaged” such things yesterday afternoon.) It seems Casey has been listening to Harry for his entire life. He likes that Casey is using the song as a device to create a bluesy vibe, because that’s what he feels, and sometimes, its not all about the lyrics.

Casey’s hair is slicked back in a pony tail tonight, and he, too, has classed things up a bit with an vest and button-down. This may be a smart move on Casey’s part, as he doesn’t look unlike Brad Pitt circa 1995. Some of the notes are a little iffy, and often, he sounds as if he’s speaking the lyrics. The goat vibrato comes roaring in during a few parts. It was a bit all over the place, but the final note sounded more than decent. Come on…vocals aren’t this dude’s strongest suit, ya know? He needs the guitar. Britney and Madonna need autotune, but they still get work. But truth be told, the performance started off rather nicely, only to derail completely once he hit the bridge.

Randy and Ellen hated it. Ellen makes another joke about there being issues with the piano. Kara tells him she’s glad she heard him hold a few notes for the first time ever, but that he sounded like a lamb in his vibrato. First off, bitch. It’s a goat. Second, I hate you more when you agree with me, so go back to being the ignorant pig you are. (Of course, you’ll do this by the next singer so I’m not worried.) Just before Simon is about to speak, I notice Casey’s exquisite mother sitting behind him. Momma is enraged, throwing an elegant lady fit in her shimmering houndstooth minidress, twinkling gilded creme eye shadow and sassy brass chandelier earrings. Simon isn’t as mean as everyone else because he’s still glowing over his Sinatra hankie. Harry thinks he sounded better in rehearsal and that its really hard to hear up there. Because Harry Connick, Jr. is a nice guy. (I hear he also loves New Orleans.)

I sort of feel bad for Casey for whatever reason. If I was a tard, I would send him a Goat Love t-shirt. And Anthony Hopkins is there?!

This is funny, considering I just said Casey should try and play up the whole Brad Pitt circa 1995 thing, which reminded me of how I skipped school to see Legends of the Fall. A most terrible movie, yes, but obviously I thought of the stroke-addled Anthony Hopkins on his porch with his shotgun and boom! He’s in the audience. And I begin to wonder why tonight’s Idol has done nothing to take me back to my teenage years, and whether or not it is a subconscious result to the college-aged girl behind the counter of Pavement Coffee House/Cafe calling me ma’am this evening when I stopped in with the intention of buying a sandwich. I had to leave. She asked, are you ready to order, ma’am, or something to that effect. I said no. I was shocked. Only Central American immigrants have ever called me ma’am.

Crystal Bowersox
Summer Wind

Harry Connick, Jr. continues his brigade of being the greatest-ever Idol mentor upon meeting with Crystal Bowersox. Tonight, Crystal also must perform without the safety of an instrument — and in an evening gown. She looks quite lovely. The horn section is loud, sure, but its a horn section. Although Crystal isn’t quite used to singing in this style, her performance is subtly restrained, yet still turns on the torch singer charm.

Randy called it sleepy. Ellen thinks she mumbled. Shit-For-Brains says she kind of liked it because Crystal has strong phrasing. Simon calls it indulgent. Huh? Summer Wind is not one of the most showy of Sinatra’s songs, but Crystal was easily the strongest performer of the night. Granted, she’s the usually the strongest performer of the evening, but each judge threw out the stereotypical critiques from the Idol wheelhouse with rapid-fire succession and hey, we’re coming into crunch time. Last week begun the gradual stoppage of blowing smoke up Crystal’s ass, which is rather bizarre when she’s delivered two very fine performances. But this is American Idol, and frankly, psychological fuckery & manipulation/de-pimpage of the one they proclaimed the front runner all season long, that sort of thing, well, it always begins around now. Or is it just because she’s been the best all season long, is she to be judged differently — and now Lee DeWheezy is being primed as the coming-up-from-behind guy…

Crystal disagrees with the judges. And she says so. (Crystal likely regrets going on this ridiculous show every single day.)

To me its a sweet love story, and you don’t sing it very big like that.

This is one of those times when you should talk back to the judges.

I don’t think I should sing really big notes just because I’m on American Idol.

GO CRYSTAL! (Again, more proof that she had never before watched this shit show before auditioning.)

Michael Lynche
The Way You Look Tonight

One of the biggest examples of a beautiful love song that’s been played out for years is The Way You Look Tonight. This song, and Etta James’ At Last, are now in the god-awful category of hammy wedding songs, just because so many people use them. Granted, I totally admit to whooping after Kris Allen’s performance of this same song last season. But I was THERE, dammit. (I was caught up in the moment and not sure what I should do because I was standing in that goddamn PIT, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and there were scary women surrounding me on one side — one of which looked like she was going to cut me because I didn’t like Danny Gokey.)

And if there’s anyone soulless and hammy, its Michael Lynche. Technically, he is a solid singer. He’s also a very large man in a very little hat. Big Mike sings this song exactly the way you knew he was going to sing this song. Big Mike is never pitchy. He is just always…Big Mike.

Randy loses his shit, because Randy has his finger on the pulse of what is relevant and current in today’s music world. Sure, sure. It was…good? Big Mike is never bad. He’s just…boring. He’s the cuddly large black dude. He’s been typecast forever. Ellen makes a joke about Harry’s organ, because this is part of her friendly, non-threatening lesbian schtick. (I don’t really care what the judges are saying at this point, as long as the cameras keep showing Casey James’ gorgeous, delicate flower of a goat momma.) Simon tells him he’s the best of the night. Again, what does the best really mean this season?

Tonight’s episode is all sorts of boring, except for when Harry Connick, Jr. is talking. I’m more excited Casey James is the new VFTW pick, as a vote for Casey is a vote for those who love goats. GOAT FOR THE WORST, HATERS!

Lee DeWyze
That’s Life

Yo, DeWheezy, you basically just had the greatest moment of your life, you know that? A former Victoria’s Secret model named Jill Goodacre told her husband, Harry Connick, Jr., that you’re hot. And he just called you a never version of himself (he’s a nice guy, of course). It is all downhill from here, dude. You have no idea what you’re in for once you hit that Idol tour.

This might have been Lee’s best performance to date, as he was less pitchy than usual. Ellen thinks if this was the last night of competition, he would have won it all. Shit-For-Brains got the glint in her eyes and took a deep breath. Now she wants to bang him. Casey James is dead to her. Crystal de-pimpage has begun…Lee is “picking up steam.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know the drill. Perhaps I should commend Idol, however, they’ve just thrown in the towel. A female winner is impossible on a show decided upon by menopausal matrons speed-texting in the midst of a hot flash. Essentially, they tell DeWheezy he will win the whole damn thing. He still looks like he’s gonna vomit.

I’m gonna go take a bath, listen to some Harry Connick, Jr., and reflect upon my lost youth, as well as another lost hour of my (still relatively) young life. But I might throw a few votes Casey James’ way, mainly because if sticks around, my Goat Love t-shirt will be slightly cooler than it already is. The judges clearly want Aaron and Casey to go home, and they’re now humping Lee over Crystal and priming Big Mike for a #3 finish so it does not appear as if their save was all for naught. Different season. Same show. Same old shit.

However, tonight’s GOLD star does not go to Harry. It goes to my golden angel of houndstooth heaven. Come Fly With Me, baby.

Spread the word. Do it.

Randy Jackson is wearing washed red velour and snot is hanging from Kara DioGuardi’s ears. Do you mind if I just put this out there? I don’t mean it offensively, I swear. Rascal Flatts, you see, I always thought that was the name of the guy singing, so I’m gonna keep it that way. Rascal Flatts looks like the stereotypical stout lesbian most people assume all lesbians look like. Like Chaz Bono before surgery.

The entire lot of these Rascal Flatts people look like douchebags. One has a frosted combover not unlike the one formerly worn by David Cook until he bought a clue. Rascal doesn’t even sound good. He also makes facial expressions like the crazy guy I always end up sitting next to on the bus. All of the Flatt People look as if they go shopping with Randy Jackson, even the “invisible” one of the group, who sort of seems like he could be okay because he reminds me of Harry Crane, if Harry Crane were transported from 1960s Madison Avenue to some inexplicably pop-country crap band in Nashville in 2010.

Because it is difficult to imagine any of the contestants from Season 9 actually liking one another, Seacrest tells us there’s special behind-the-scene footage from this week’s lame Ford Commercial — its about vampires — showing the palpable closeness of these fine young cannibals individuals.

Aaron Kelly says he’s never been a vampire before. No fraking way! I swear I’ve seen this before…on America’s Next Top Model. Apparently, All the Idols are going to eat Michael Lynche, obviously because he’s the only one big enough to feed six. It’s also incomprehensible those contact lenses were comfortable enough to take a nap in.

In this Ford Commercial, set to that Believe song that isn’t by Cher, Big Mike just wants to go home and eat his large pizza — topped with garlic cloves galore — but he ends up in some vampire-infested woodland. His extra garlic pizza saves him! Yeah…probably not gonna happen tonight. Next up is footage from when everyone met the director of Shrek Forever After and got to see if they could voice Seacrest’s role better than Seacrest. Siobhan sounds like Yoda. Crystal doesn’t erally change up her voice, but all-in-all, no one is really bad at making funny voices — even if this cross-promotional Seacrest circle jerk is more than a bit lame.

Look! Lee and Siobhan are sitting by each other! But they’re not holding hands! Lee is the only one too cool to wear his Shrek ears properly.

Big Mike is so game, he doesn’t take his ears off…even after the show. He also uses this time to kiss ass to Seacrest. Or poke fun at the little man. It’s kind of all the same thing.

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas are there. Antonio is cool because he voices the character inspired by Oskar, even if we’re not making any money off of it. Grrrr. A bit off topic, but this show is so damn bloated already, how could Antonio Banderas be married to Melanie Griffith? Once his everyday English fluency increased after moving to the states, why didn’t he get a divorce? How very, very strange.

Because there are only six contestants left, Seacrest gets to do his little, let’s divide up the groups on either side of the stage bullshit. Siobhan goes to the left, Aaron to the center — but not before Randy gets to say wheelhouse and in his element — and then Big Mike is up to bat. Simon makes a homoerotic dig at Seacrest, Mike goes to stage right.

Lee gets to go stand by his supposed girlfriend (apparently, the LA Times’ Idoltracker is responsible for shipping such crap) and looks a bit like an arm wrestling dwarf when doing so…

Now Casey is up, so let’s flash to Kara — she called him vulnerable and raw, you see. And even when silent, its still so obvious why she is and always will be dubbed Shit-For-Brains.

I still think Casey and Crystal could be the Final 2 — unless he is shock eliminated tonight like the knotted-hair sleaze of Season 5, Constantine Maroulis. Crystal goes to the center alongside Aaron. They will obviously be the first ones called to safety. Actually, Ryan first sends Siobhan to the Bottom 3.

Of course Siobhan will be the first one sent to the sofa of this trio, and in a way, I’m kind of sad. Casey James should be garnering more votes from those batshit crazy menopausal women. Much more so over Lee DeWyze, who is incapable of singing in tune. He’s actually conventionally handsome, too! But if we’ve learned anything from Idol, put a toad up on stage and the crazies swarm like vultures [to a super hot corpse].

Ok, color me strangely excited, but Harry Connick, Jr. as a mentor? Sinatra songs? Yay. To think, it was this time last year, I attended the Top 5 rehearsal for Standards Week.

Carrie Underwood. Put a muzzle on it. One just wonders why you’re so chatty… And who the frak brought the emo vampire country group? Jesus christ. Who brought Zombie Tiny Tim?

Perhaps I would like this group if I heard them before actually SEEING them? I hope they are successful enough to buy collectors’ editions of the Twilight series whenever the mood strikes.

After the commercial, those Lady Antebellum people show up. They are also trying to look a bit like emo vampires, but emo vampires on Snooki’s tanning regimen. Or maybe emo vampire peacocks. Their song isn’t bad, but they still remind me of The Corrs. And the lead singer dude might be attempting to connect with his music a bit too much.

And it is time to fast forward once again, to the part which makes absolutely no sense. Shakira. And Rascal Flatts. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shakira. In fact, I firmly believe its nearly impossible to hate Shakira. Shakira is all about the fusing of genres, but this is just a bit odd. As she sing Gypsy, she is flanked on either side by a barefoot solo flamenco dancer. She is also totally doing her Tracy Anderson arm exercises. It was almost okay, really, until that douchebag wannabe stout lesbian came back out. Did he even…sing?

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. WTF? No, really…WTF? BIG MIKE IS SAFE? Jesus fuck. If Casey goes home, Kara is going to try and recapture Paula’s famous crying-for-Constantine moment!

But in all actuality, Casey does not deserve to be in the Bottom 2. He was this week’s top contestant, turning in the most arguably “memorable” performance of the entire show. Jesus fuck. Why do those old women love Lee DeWyze so damn much? Casey James needs more frauen!

A construction worker and a glass blower…

Ugh…YAY! Ok. I’m sorry, VFTW. You know I love you, but…it’s rather awesome to see her go. Maybe because oh, she screeched too damn much. Oh, and, IT’S A GIRL’S YEAR. And maybe I’m going soft and just wanted Casey James to not become Constantine Maroulis 2.0, at least not this week. But no, for reals…Siobhan is gone? And Mike Lynche is safe?

Sorry Siobhan’s family. Catch ya this summer down on the Cape. Don’t look so shocked. Every week, you know, they send someone home.

Plus, Casey James’ momma is so much more entertaining. Even her eyelashes are tipped in glitter!

To Siobhan’s credit, she looks like someone I would enjoy hanging out with on occasion and she looked beautiful tonight. Gorgeous dress, great hair. But hey, she screeches.

Lee DeWyze is not a happy camper. But you guys still have the TOUR! You can shack up on a cozy bus all summer long!

I’m actually kind of in love with Siobhan’s dress. It’s her best dress since that Marc Jacobs-y little black number from the semifinals. Yeah…I’m talking about fashion more than singing this season, aren’t I?

(And just how many little sisters does she have? ) Siobhan says goodbye by bringing back Think. We also saw a closeup of her sister’s breast Vote for Siobhan pin. Obviously, there’s only one way for Siobhan to say adieu.

This is the most drawn-out contestant goodbye of all time. Since when do they let them come down to the judges’ table and HUG? Is it over yet?

Finally. Do you agree with tonight’s elimination or suspect TBTB are just trying to shake things up on Idol’s worst season ever? Do you think Lee and Siobhan are rubbing uglies? Actually. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to hear any of that shipping nonsense. And are you kind of, just a teensy little bit, looking forward to next week with Harry Connick, Jr. and Frank Sinatra’s ghost? Will Lee DeWyze turn Lady is a Tramp into one of Hinder or Nickelback’s finest?

Spread the word. Do it.