Sara Barielles, I mean Tripster The Hipster Brittany Zika, but she LOVES Sara Barialles. (How the hell do I spell that?) Brittany is a nanny/SOCIAL MEDIA TECH. Wow. Never heard that one before. Is she a ninja? A guru? A rockstar? Tripster Hipster sings a Brandi Carisle song and truth be told, she has one of the more interesting voices I’ve heard all season. She is even a bit reminiscent of Season 9′s Megan Joy — who totally became a wearer of bird things! Zoinks!

Then Brittany Zika’s mom may have done the splits. But it might not be her mom and maybe just editing. In any case, a stout middle-aged woman proudly and ably did the splits.

Since we’re in Portland, there will likely be many would-be comedians with ironic Tumblrs angling for air time.  Maybe this is one of them. This guy is sick. Like, he’s been sick since Tuesday. He also “sells cable TV on the street.” Ben Purdom is 18 and sort of looks like a non-deformed gay Rocky Dennis. It’s almost too obvious when he says he will be singing Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. And he does in some gargling falsetto. And then he does Nicki Minaj’s Superbass and the judges think its better but still terrible. It might be terrible, but so are Randy Jackson’s Dalmatian glasses. Seacrest muses what his voice would have sounded like had he not been sick — then his audition is sped up Chipmunk-style and well, you know how it goes. On American Idol, the fat ones, the gay ones, and the foreign ones who can’t really sing are “fair game.”

Jermaine Jones is 6’8″ and has an adorable mother. Jermaine is rather nervous and his beard needs a trim, but I’m a sucker for sweet black men with adorable moms on this show. And I don’t even care much for the music of Luther Vandross.

On Day 2, Jennifer Lopez can’t find her black tights. Maybe her backup dancer is wearing them. Young male backup dancers : aging pop divas :: 90s supermodels : aging rock stars. Just throwing that out there. The first contestant we meet already looks to be ripe for some TopIdol hating…

Blond. (check)

Blond young mother. (Check)

Entire entourage wearing I HEART BRITNEE shirts. Check.

Obnoxious-erroneous spelling of an already white trash name. CHECK.

Seriously, am I gonna have to do a pie chart on how many girls named some variation of BRITTANY go to Hollywood? Britnee Kellog comes in and announces all teary-eyed she is 27, has two sons, and their father played basketball so she let him pursue his dreams but then he started sleeping with other women. She then sings the woman-been-done-wrong anthem You’re No Good and her voice is kind of fun and husky and so she sort of redeems herself, but her sob story schtick was a bit over-the-top for just walking into a room and meeting 3 household-name people whom you’ve never met and then those damn t-shirted people come in. Yikes. Get this one out of here.

Sam Gershman is probably a dance teacher because she has everyone doing the Electric Slide or Zumba in the holding tank. She is frighteningly perky and energetic. She has big breasts. Randy thinks her last name is Gershwin but then no one laughs when she says funny, her dad is named Ira — punctuated by cricket sound effects, of course. They could have chuckled, right? Sooooo…you pretty much know she’s gonna suck on some level even if you didn’t see her doing some sort of dramatic reading in a before-the-break preview.

Ms. Gershman doesn’t really suck. She’s just VERY musical theater. Steven thinks she would make a good Easter Bunny (huh) and she reminds him she is Jewish, but he says that’s no big deal. They tell her no and for about 2 seconds, I’m almost appreciative of JLo being somewhat nice in her dismissal.

David Weed says he’s a fast food employee. He is balding, and wears glasses and argyle. He sings Rush’s Tom Sawyer. I sort of adore him just for that, because there have been times where I smoke weed and sing Tom Sawyer, mainly so I can garble something that I think is the chorus followed by do-da-do-da-do-da-doo-dooo-dooo. I’ve done this ever since I was a senior in high school and this guy we’ll call Steven B. asked me if I wanted to skip class and do “resin bong hits” and then pulled a big red Graffix out of the back seat as we pulled away from the school parking lot while Rush played. Hey, don’t judge. This was after my college applications had all been filed, mmm-kay? Anyway, Randy Jackson basically tells David Weed he sounds nothing like Geddy Lee. David wants to be a standup comedian but I don’t think anyone finds him funny. Don’t you guys get it? THAT WAS HIS ACT.

WHATEVS. I’m a fan of David Weed.

Romeo Daihn was born in Liberia and spent part of his life in a refugee camp before coming to the U.S. in 2001. We already know Romeo is good because we go off-site and get back story. Romeo is Daihn is absolutely adorable and sings Bob Marley’s Is This Love. I don’t know how much farther he could get other than Hollywood Week because his voice is very distinct. But Romeo’s smile makes me smile — as does HIS tiny entourage of one girl two giants!

Naomi Gillies must be the designated I’m-ga-ga-for-Steven-Tyler girl because she wants to sing one of his songs. Pause. Okay. It’s not the Armageddon one. Naomi is a student from BOSTON! And she kind of looks like a white-white-girl Rashida Jones. Also very cool. Some notes were maybe a bit off and while she’s nothing you’ve never heard before, there’s something quite skilled and likeable about this one. Unanimous yes.

PARADE OF BAD PEOPLE

No go for the Candy Raver Purple Rainbow Unicorn Princess…or the one who looks like he just got a fresh bit of forehead acne out of nervousness which may have been because he just finished a big debate meet before auditioning…sad Filipino girl…some cartwheeling girl in gold leggings…

I strongly suspect a few of the aforementioned actually WERE good — just not what “the judges were looking for.” Lots of tears. And camera blocking. Sads.

Manchild Ben Harrison is sort of like a Human Whipit. (Perhaps Demi Moore can inhale him from a big manchild-sized balloon?) Ben laments he gets hired as a frontman but often gets fired because he’s too baby-faced and inexperienced. He then belts out Queen’s Somebody To Love. Not quite Freddie Mercury. BUT AT LEAST HIS FAMILY AND HIM ARE GOING TO GET PIZZA. (The would-be comedian is strong in this one…)

RYAN: When we return, one more audition that will leave the judges stunned…

GIRL: When he woke up…he didn’t know who I was.

JLO: Wow.

Oh here we go. Bright side? It’s ALMOST OVER.

For Jessica Phillips this is more than a single dream, it’s a step towards a miracle. You know what’s weird? When I hear Jessica’s story, I feel much more sympathy for her than I ever did um, a couple of those previous male contestants with dead or comatose wives/girlfriends. Perhaps its because when Jessica talks about D’Angelo, she just sounds…a bit more sincere. D’Angelo randomly had a stroke in April 2010. He’s had to learn how to talk again and he can talk, albeit slow. But he’s present, ya know? And this was footage they shot AT HOME. Jessica didn’t wheel the guy in with a feeding tube.

Singing Faith Evans, Jessica has a completely competent contemporary female R&B voice, with an ability for quickness which lends itself to maybe…something more. Maybe she’s just not a one-note “diva” — although if she actually did make it past Hollywood Week, you know exactly how she would be pigeonholed.

Some other people made it, apparently a bunch of people that were never shown. I swear one girl was wearing a wedding dress (a mini-wedding dress but STILL) and another one looked just like that Robert Pattinson kid. Oh. And I actually almost got misty eyed when Jessica and D’Angelo hugged outside the audition room once she got her golden ticket. IDOL YOU MANIPULATIVE BASTARD.

Ok. So who else can’t wait until Hollywood Week — aka THE BEST WEEK OF THE ENTIRE AMERICAN IDOL SEASON? Also: If you feel like commenting, I encourage you to do so. I just installed Disqus (working with it on another project and wanted to test-drive it here, especially because you can use a variety of accounts with it) so let me know what you think.

One more thing: Since it is February 1, the first day of Black History Month, I really wanted to call this post PORTLANDIA CALRISSIAN. But I did not. Yet I still typed it.

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The talent on American Idol is as good as ever this year. It’s been 10 years since this competition began and we are still trying to pick winners from the very first episode. Here are some highlights from week one and those newcomers to keep an eye on.

One contestant that may get overlooked, but has an impeccable voice is 15-year-old Eben Franckewitz. Sure he has the looks of Justin Bieber, but his voice is effortless, perfectly pitched, and he was simply amazing. If a clean cut Justin Bieber sounds is not your thing, check out street performer Creighton Fraker. He’s got a soulful yet Justin Timberlake or Maroon 5 vibe. The judges likened him to Jamiroquai — he should definitely be interesting to watch when we see him next during Hollywood Week.

Colton Dixon returned this year after being cut at the top 24 last year — although he claims to have only been accompanying his sister, Schyler Dixon, on her second attempt to get to Idol’s big stage. When the judges “discovered” Colton was in tow just for support, they gave him his very own golden ticket. While Colton is once again a likely favorite, I actually thought his sister was a force to be reckoned with. Here’s to hoping she’s not overshadowed the entire season.

Philip Philips: The next American Idol?

The most original name and one of the best talents is Phillip Phillips. He’s wide-eyed and blend of Dave Matthews and Stevie Wonder. Although Phillip was good and original, the last contestant of week one may well be the top favorite so far. Her name is Hallie Day and she is a 24-year-old newlywed. She has a powerful voice and keeps chasing her dream, so don’t expect her to give up so easily.

It’s going to be an interesting year if this is the talent from just the first week. There will be some who fail to rise to the pressure and some are bound to step up and make us take notice. Check out your local listings on your cable tv satellite or online programs to see what is in store for us next.

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Because sometimes you just can’t live without a Lauren Alaina License Plate…

For your budding famewhore to wear to all of her dive bar karaoke gigs on a schoolnight, gotta get one of LAUREN ALAINA SUNNY BANDS (which Xerox-ed signature!):

If none of those tickle your fancy, you can always get a Lauren Alaina t-shirt or a copy of her debut album entitled Wildflowers. Yes. Her debut album is Wildflowers. Honey Boo Boo Child is like the trampstamp and ankle bracelet of American Idol.

Oh Lauren Alaina, if you were more like star-in-the-making Alana, I would maybe like you.

Toddlers & Tiaras Alana

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Jenny Schick 
Funny this one’s last name is Shick. When I was 3, I couldn’t say my T’s really well so I used to announce if something smelled — Somebody schick in their pants. True story. Likely because when I was a wee infant, my father used to play with me, all smiley and in a baby voice, Say bullshit. Sayyyyy bullshit. This is probably the only time my parents ever used a baby voice on me and for this I am thankful. Anyhoo, enough with the walk down my memory lane. Jenny is an elementary school music teacher who says the worst part of her job is the RECORDER. Remember your recorder? Made by Yamaha? In the brown & beige plastic envelope? The precursor to learning how to play a woodwind. Horrible, horrible, Hot Cross Buns. But always secretly dreamed of forming a band solely of water glasses, spoons, cow bell, and a recorder so we could be like, an even more awful but universally-revered version of Manheim Steamroller.

Already sensing Jenny is going to be ogled by Steven Tyler. She’s got the look. Kind of like Mary Carey but without the huge boobs. BOOM! Jenny admits to being nervous about singing in front of…STEVEN TYLER. Jenny wants to kiss both Steven Tyler and Lady Gaga, as well as Adam Levine (They showed him? But THE VOICE?!) Jenny’s boyfriend won’t be jealous because he wants to kiss Adam Levine, Lady Gaga, and Ryan Seacrest.

Jenny sings Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker, which is decent-good but not earth-shattering, which means its about 100,000x better than Jennifer Lopez doing anything without autotune. Jenny Schick gets to go to Hollywood and kiss Steven Tyler. Her mother? friend? also kind of looks like Steven Tyler from a couple of angles, which is weird, but not weird enough to write home about. Hell, last night I discovered I looked like Steven Tyler on the grainy b&w “photo” on the back of my Costco card. (I go to Costco 2x a year, mainly to buy gratuitous amounts of powdered drink mix for the bar at my Burning Man cap. Don’t judge me even if I’m judging me, dammit.)

Curtis Gray
This show is soooo boring, they actually do a package segment on waking up early and being really tired. I guess this is done to introduce this one sort of scruffy-lacrosse-hair, poor-man’s Edward Burns-looking dude who has gotta be from New England given the fact he says he’s wicked tired and ends a couple of -er words with the patented -a.

Curtis purports to be from Spring Hill, FL. Nonsense. He just lives there to play golf when he’s not waiting tables. That guy’s accent is all Boston. Curtis sings Boyz II Men and its soulful enough to give him a golden ticket because people just love it when white guys sing like black guys, i.e., they are soulful, like how educated black men are well-spoken. And tell me the last time you heard a tall white woman 50 or older referred to as regal. Exactly.

Richie Law
Holy f**king Scotty McCreery no. Come on, kiddo, sing the baby lock dem doors!

Devan Jones
Good thing Devan did not do country. That would have confused the judges.

Mathenee Treco
OMG. I want to just watch you and Jacob Lusk sing things in my living room.

Tealana Hedgespeth
There have been times in my life where the self-esteem was low and hell, there was that one four-year period where I dated that complete loser, but I think I always knew that when the time comes to sell yourself, be it in a job interview or when meeting new people, self-depreciation only works if you know what you’re doing. Don’t ever tell people what your name is then suggest they call you DOG. And if asked where you live, don’t say in the shadow of your twin sister.

Oh man. I must be slipping. Twitter friends just informed me this was because you know, how Randy calls everyone DAWG. But the way she said it, and after all that woe-is-me-because-everyone-loves-my-sister stuff, you can see where it was easy to get confused. Do you feel me…dawgs? But I sort of like Tealana because she wears big glasses and a nose ring and makes money as a color guard coach. A former flag girl, I take care of my own. Even if she’s not very good, but its really one of those cases you feel bad about because someone once did tell her she was good AND when she hears herself sing, she thinks she’s good. And this always makes me sad.

Haley Smith
Last week, we had Tent Girl and this week, we have Log Cabin Girl. Haley is all I live in a log cabin in the middle of the woods but in actuality, its a two-story with a fair amount of landscaping. It’s not as bad as JLo claiming to be all “from the block” but its in the same ballpark. But Haley is kind of a hippie and she’s a vegetarian who works making sausage — and bussing tables. And cleaning tables. SHE IS A SOULFUL HIPPIE WHITE GIRL WHO SINGS CHAKA KAHN A LA JONI MITCHELL. The judges lavish her with effusive praise for being true to herself. And then Carole King plays in the background. But we like Haley. Even if this might be the longest show ever.

Alanna Snare
Since we’re in Aspen, can’t not talk about Rocky Mountain Oysters aka Bull’s Testicles. Alanna Snare (what’s up with these names tonight?!) sounds like bull’s testes.

Shelby Tweten
Oh this one is the bipolar girl — aren’t you sort of shocked this has never been a previous contestant’s back story? Good for you, Shelby. Can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and how difficult it is to stay on your meds. Now please do not sing Carrie Underwood. Shelby’s voice is pleasant enough but its not enough to distract me from the ramiken of queso I’ve prepared after a long day. Meanwhile, since Shelby is bipolar, JLo knows this is when to bust out the big guns, i.e., crocodile tears. I can’t believe they let this woman act…in movies?! Can you? Okay…I mean it wasn’t much more than Maid in Manhattan but she did get a starring role in a Lasse Halstrom movie. But then she did Gigli. And her “comeback” was a sperm donor movie. And soon she’s going to be part of the ensemble in the film adaptation (I know? RIGHT?) of What To Expect When You’re Expecting which is a movie they should probably only show in North Korean prisons.

(And in case you did not notice, La Lopez then ANNOUNCED she had tears in her eyes.)

(FINALLY) MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS
Some guy screaming Superman. Another girl quasi-beat-boxing Stand By Me…another guy who just wanted to get on TV for sucking. I’m happy for him. And the others.

Jairon Jackson
Either this guy is going to be humiliated (he’s doing an original) or he’s going to be the second-coming. You know how it goes. You know how this show is edited. Jairon’s original track is actually as good as any similar pop tune out there today.

He’s a lover.

Oh shut the hell up, JLo. Between that and you sumising Haley Smith would feel more comfortable with her guitar, you’re just a regular MISS F**KING CLEO. But Jairon is going to Hollywood. Also: his family looks fun. And: he breaks a light on the way out the door.

Angie Zeiderman
Theater girl dies her hair purple and wears some crazy clothes with some irridescent eye creme and wants to open for Lady Gaga. Randy does not like showtunes and JLo does. Angie already kind of annoys me because she thinks she is a beautiful and unique snowflake when she is the same decaying organic matter as everything else. In the end everyone loves her. JLo claims its because she’s so sparkling and bubbly and showtuney but its really because she poses no threat to JLo’s JLo-ness.

Magic Cyclops
So this is what we’ve been waiting for? I almost thought this was Constantine Maroulis in a weave and some of his Rock of Ages costumes until he busts out an over-the-top fake Brit accent and then I realize he’s an air guitar enthusiast looking doing a Russell Brand imitation — Constantine Maroulis doesn’t have that sort of creative drive, even though I had no idea anyone was doing Russell Brand imitations these days.

Magic Cyclops sings Neil Diamond and Jimmy (er, James?) Buffet and pulls out a confetti popper, subsequently causing JLo to say f**k. Then everyone leaves. Congrats, MC. You did what you came to do. I might even follow you on Twitter for a little while.

Who else was bored to tears? Did anyone else find it kind of sad Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks’ photos are hidden behind the door on the way out of the audition room? And why are we still watching when the Top 26 have already been revealed? Next week, American Idol travels to Houston — Space Capital USA, which is likely just an excuse to do a montage of a whole lotta people singing Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. And while this song should be retired from the Idol cannon forever, you know its gotta make Ms. Lopez a wee bit uncomfortable so I’m all for it.

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AdAge reports 21.6 million people watched last night’s American Idol premiere, down 18% from last season. Hey, over 20 million isn’t too shabby in this day and age, but Idol is showing signs of age it can no longer hide with Pearl Cream and Botox. American Idol also won the night in “social TV,” not surprisingly:

Trendrr estimates that 67% of the social chatter about “Idol” last night came from women and girls.

But what percentage were women pretending to be girls?

This has nothing to do with American Idol but the inevitable demise of our planet. It may be the single greatest Tweet ever. (I might be in love with this man.)

MTV’s Jim Cantiello believes Philip Phillips is the ultimate mashup of every Idol winner ever. Oh really? Will he have baby daddy drama like Fantasia? Ooops. Jim said every male winner in the show’s history. I would argue that the Taylor Hicks is not strong in this one, at least not like last year’s Great WGWG Hope whose name I momentarily forgot (I know its not really Willy Whiskers) but he’s married to that girl from Thirteen and those shit vampire movies — which pretty much means that he will be the most successful non-finale contestant of that season.

MJ is now live blogging for EW during show time! Congrats, MJ! You totally deserve it. (And you can join in tonight and every night Idol airs with your Facebook or Twitter account!

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I totally ordered Pad See Ewwwwww in honor of tonight’s momentous occasion. And I just felt that was rather appropriate given fact my evening plans. Tonight, the 11th season of American Idol begins. In Savannah. And with all this emphasis on how all these auditioners have been watching the show since they were under the age of 10, well, you know what they’re aiming for. Someone young! And hopefully, someone young who does not require a jock strap or cup when engaging in athletic endeavors.

Of course, the chances of a girl winning this year? Exactly. What are the odds Steven Tyler will stop Single White Female-ing Eddy & Patsy? Not good, but better than a girl winning American Idol.

Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there?

Who cares? We have all season to debate and I cannot wait. I probably could wait but whatevs, I’ve missed you guys. All of you delightful people who actually waste about 10-15 minutes of your day a couple of times a week reading the absolute drivel I bang out on my keyboard. American Idol is back — and so is TopIdol!

Mister Steal Your Girl

David Leathers, Jr. (Age 17)

David aka Mister Steal Your Girl looks like he’s 12 but he’s actually SEVENTEEN and all the girls love him because he sings and lo and behold, just a couple of years ago, he competed in a singing competition with that Scotty McCreery kid. Remember him? Did you know he went PLATINUM with that album with that song about telling the 3-year-old to lift their arms up above their head? I had no idea until I read that somewhere. No clue. This kid may actually make a few bucks and have a career, and you know what that means, he can buy a lot of lights for his baby to turn down low, and a lot of locks for the back door. And well, you know what? That was last season, on with the new.

I have no idea what Mister Steal Your Girl is singing but kid’s got a voice. You just know they’re gonna ask him if he knows “any Michael Jackson.” And they do. Because any pint-size black kid who doesn’t look his age but can sing pretty well automatically gets thrown into the Jackson bucket. (Personally, Mister Steal Your Girl reminds me of Dave on Degrassi.) But I can’t hate on this kid. He is sort of the exact opposite of a country-singing idiot blonde girl who’s really 16 but dresses likes she’s 42.

Gabi Carruba (Age 16)

Gabi gets “diaper dancer” home videos and a camera crew in her tap dancing studio, followed by an extensive Q&A about Steven Tyler with Ryan Seacrest. When she finally gets into the audition room, she asks to hug Nigel. (Granted, if I was auditioning for ANTM, I would ask to hump the leg of Nigel upon entering the audition room, but that’s Barker, not Lythgoe.) Abby looks all sweet and innocent and freshly-scrubbed and hell, with that natural brown hair, she might even fool me into liking her. I’m softening, aren’t I? NONSENSE. She is super sweet and immediately kisses Nigel’s ass upon meeting the judges. She is either a calculating teenage bitch or a potential National Merit Scholar. Therefore, I will continue to keep one suspect eyebrow raised until proven otherwise.

Brianna Faulk (Age 15)

She’s singing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. We have seen this contestant about 654 times before, just under different names. Next, please.

Neco Starr (Age 20)

He did not have to open his mouth for me to know he was gonna sing Bruno Mars.

Me no likey.

Molly Hunt (Age 15)

And we have a live one! She fits all of my criteria! Why didn’t anyone tell me Courtney Stodden was auditioning this season?

Elise Testone (Age 28!)

A musician/vocal coach who is not a high school student. Looks a little rough. Deep, bluesy voice. MAMA LIKE.

Save wardrobe budget: Shrink 'n' Wear Simon Cowell's t-shirts

Tres adorable. Ryan Seacrest is dressing just like his erstwhile lover, Mr. Simon Cowell.

OMG SO MUCH TALENT! NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT! THEY ARE ALL SO YOUNG AND SO TALENTED! 

Jessica Whitley (Age 19)

There Lea Michele-Pia Toscano love child is very strong in this one. But you know she’s gonna suck eggs because, well, OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN SO GOOD. You know how this shit is edited. You know how it works. Sadly, Miss Whitley is one of those poor contestants who has been raised to believe, for likely her entire life, that she is a REALLY GOOD SINGER. You can tell in her inflection, her passion, her elan. She claims dehydration and tells the judges she’ll see them in Texas.

This is just way too feel-good and syrupy. Not that I particularly enjoy watching dreams being dashed, as in more cases than not, the ones allowed to dream big on this show are usually the most insufferable. But this is all so chipper, so buoyant, so…fake. Even by American Idol standards. It’s almost on par with…with…a Jennifer Lopez for Fiat commercial!

Just because you're blond and dress & talk like an emcee does not mean you are the spitting image of Ryan Seacrest. But if you think it does, you may just get on national television.

Sean Kraisman (Age 26)

People tell him all the time that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Yawn. He’s clearly angling for a local announcer gig in some second-tier market. (He is apparently a “sales consultant.” I can see that, too. Wonder if its at a T-Mobile or AT&T store.) Or he already has one. Guess I can’t fault the guy for self-promotion.

Shannon Magraine (Age 15)

She’s really tall and has the athletic aura of new-money privlege. Kind of like that Ayla Brown, no? BINGO. Shannon’s father was former Cardinals’ pitcher Joe Magraine, so she’s like Nikko Smith + Ayla Brown. Everyone wants to meet her family! She brings them all in. Not sure where the daughters start and stop but the majority seem to be wearing ROMPERS (The preferred warm weather fashion of TopIdol!) and well, her father was a Cardinal so I mean…and he’s very gregarious and even asks Steven Tyler how things are up in “Beantown” (No one in “Beantown” calls it that, by the way) so I’m warming up to this volleyball-playing rich girl who doesn’t not look like Jennifer Lawrence from certain angles and then Steven Tyler answers Magraine’s query:

Hot, humid, and happening. Just like your daughter.

Oh who cares. I wish he was back on the sauce so we could hear more creepy uncle stuff. Shannon Magraine is marginally talented, she’s bluesy. She sings Etta James AND she doesn’t sing At Last. You know me, I’m a sucker for those teenage contestants who have other things going on, like being literate, or playing volleyball. And she looked like a teenager, ya know? And her father was a Cardinal.

HOW THE HELL HAS NO ONE SANG ADELE YET?

Get ready for the montage of people who suck. People yell. And yell. And yell. And BOOM SHAKA LAKA

We could have had it alllllllll

Seriously? It took THIS long?

Amy Brumfield (Age 24)

When Amy walked in, I thought for sure she was a belly-dancing gypsy kind. Ok. I wasn’t entirely off-base. She lives in a tent off in the middle of the woods in Tennessee. Living in a tent off in the middle of the woods is the new in a van down by the river, no? Amy can’t afford a “$100 a week hotel room” but she does own a few rhinestone baubles. Her significant other wears an ironed shirt. No, these kids aren’t rich, but that’s a nice tent. That’s a decent setup. They’re living in the woods because they want to…but I’m sure Idol wants a better angle, ya know? I mean, they don’t want to stay in a tent forever, but they’re enjoying it. And they love each other. And boyfriend Blake’s mother bought her outfit and jewelry — she ain’t ever been dressed this nice in her entire life.

Amy Brumfield lives in a tent. ($10 says she's a Burner.)

I like Amy. She’s got spunk. I suspect she’s also a Burner. They could/should be. They must at least do regional burns. These are good-hearted, industrious people. I almost like her enough to not hold singing an Alicia Keys song against her. She’s like a Winter’s Bone Crystal Bowersox. Her voice is raspy and she’s a self-described hippie — not a HIPSIE, Ms. Lopez.

Hey, can I pitch a tent behind the mansion?

If she gets to that miracle mile bullshit and they cut her…I mean, we now have our first cohesive “plot” of Season 11 — unless that Jessica Whitley chick actually does show up in Texas.

Joshua Chavis (Age 23)

Joshua wants to sing in front of a live audience (What? THERE WAS NO OPEN BAR WHERE YOU LIVE?) and hopefully, one day, the national anthem at a NASCAR race. He also mentions his BOYFRIEND and then squeals about meeting Jenny From The Block. With the exception of that last omission, I love this openly gay redneck. American Idol doesn’t want you to know there are gay people, let alone GAY NASCAR FANS.

Of course if gay NASCAR fans do exist, and if they should try out for American Idol and aren’t that good, then they’re probably open for ridicule, right? You know, Joshua isn’t HORRIBLE. If you put him in vocal lessons for a year or 2? He hit some of those notes. I can’t hit those notes. Jennifer Lopez sure as hell can’t hit those notes without autotune. And yes he really wants it, but would you have called him TERRIBLE if he wasn’t gay?

Please Joshua, if you’re reading this, come over and visit TopIdol. We would love to hear from you.

Stephanie Renee (Age 15)

When Stephanie was 8, she watched American Idol all the time. And she LOVED Carrie Underwood. She claims being on American Idol is what every girl dreams of. She’s also wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even be sold at a Forever 21. And of course she’s gonna sing Carrie Underwood’s goddamn winner’s song. JLo says she has some beautiful notes but sounds nasal. Steven says yes (she is female), Randy says no, and of course La Lopez says YES, because La Lopez wants everyone to think she’s a good person.

Stephanie Renee doesn’t seem like a manipulative teen bitch, and she probably reads at at least a 6th grade level. But she did sing Carrie Underwood (the coronation song!) and is already going by her first and middle name alone. (Who do you think you are? LAUREN ALAINA SUDDETH?!) But her family looks appears pleasant enough.

(AM I GOING SOFT?!)

What? We’re only halfway done?! Fine. Let’s revising some [manufactured] sibling drama! I remember these people! He’s the guy with David Cook’s old hair! OH NOEZ! He’s not auditioning this season.

Schyler Dixon (Age 17)

Jennifer Lopez doesn’t really remember her, you know that, right? She saw that Schyler auditioned last year (and how far she got) when she looked down at that little application. She knows she “met you” last year because its on that piece of paper in front of her and the producers told her this before you entered the room. If you met Ms. Lopez on the street, she would spit on you and then laugh.

No Jennifer Lopez. You did not remember her. Stop trying to act. You’re not good at that, either.

So…you can just audition on the spot, even without a number? Even without going through those 3-4 “producer rounds?” No one called you before hand and told you how this was gonna play out?

Bullshit.

Colton Dixon (Age 19)

The man with David Cook’s original hair is gonna sing David Cook’s Permanent. Ok. No offense to David Cook, who remains one of my all-time favorite contestants on this show and, along with Bo Bice, is pretty much responsible for forcing contestants to at least attempt to demonstrate some sort of musicianship, but what dude in their early 20s do you know is all like, I love David Cook. And I think it would be great if David Cook actually got some non-female fans that discovered him outside of American Idol, but this is just weird. And now I’m looking at his vest and his t-shirt and his hair and HOLY FRAKING CHRIST COLTON DIXON IS A DAVID COOK MAU.

His initials are the same as David Cook's if you do it backwards.

This being said, I would actually probably enjoy Colton Dixon on the show if he cut down on the wailing. I can’t see myself enjoying Colton Dixon outside of American Idol, but you know, cheap entertainment for the sake of my blog.

And Brother & Sister Dixon both get golden tickets, although Schyler is still just a number and COLTON DIXON’s name is on his ticket. But they still love each other, even if Brother stole Sister’s moment AGAIN. Isn’t your heart just all tickled and warm right now?

Lauren Mink (Age 25)

There is something almost Connie Britton-esque about this one, and she works with the disabled. Yes she’s blond. Yes she sings country. But she’s kind of Connie Britton-esque and has a real job doing something good and oh christ, she sang a GWYNETH PALTROW song. Did you ever think you would see someone sing A GWYNETH PALTROW SONG…ever? Miss Mink is going to Hollywood. I’m okay with it. Her voice is fine and she is of a normal, healthy weight and wears minimal makeup.

DAY 2

I’ve watched this show long enough to know that when a West African man announces he’s going to sing Rascal Flatts, zero good can come out if it. Because the only thing “funnier” than being gay on American Idol, is being an immigrant. This show can barely get an African-American into the Top 5 anymore, let alone someone who was born about 6000 miles away from the Mason-Dixon Line.

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE DON’T HUMILIATE HIM

Mawuena Kodjo (Age 25)

I almost don’t even want to watch. Because no good can come of it. No good can come out of it when you subtitle everything a man says, even though his English abilities are quite up to par. But this is American Idol. And this guy is NOT AMERICAN. Hear him talk with his FUNNY ACCENT. Give him Rhinestone Cowboy as his soundtrack. Give him SUBTITLES. Because its all about the pointing and laughing.

Rascal Flatts? Oh…you like country music?!

Oh Jenny From The Block. Look at you, all surprised, there’s a man from West Africa and he likes country music. And you asked loudly, of course, because that’s what ignorant schmucks do when they think someone doesn’t know English. Too bad he didn’t respond with, oh, but you claim to be Puerto Rican but you did Diddy and Ben Affleck and child backup dancers. Because that’s what I would have said if I was an African man who liked country music and JLo asked me that, just saying.

Sigh…you know what happens.

It's not American Idol if no one mocks a sweet immigrant.

Oh and to the old redneck outside, not every African man is a runner. Just saying. But at least old redneck and that cadre of children wanted him to go to Hollywood.

I’m gonna be the first African country music star.

I will start taking up a fund for Mr. Kodjo’s singing lessons to prove those bastards wrong. Who’s with me? And who else remembers that absolutely inane show on E! (E! is the Devil) called Love Is In The Heir? Someone else must have seen that show…about an “alleged Iranian-American princess” who wanted to be a country music star and find someone to marry her? Does this sound familiar?

Ashlee Altise (Age 28)

Talkative black girl with dreads = CRAY CRAY. With the rare exception of say, Naima Adeapo, or even Nadia Turner, you cannot be a funky black female on American Idol. You can be a woman of color and maybe even make it to the Top 5, but if you show the slightest signs of irreverence, it is unacceptable. (They had no idea about Fantasia, trust me. THANK YOU FANTASIA FOR BEING CRAY CRAY!) American Idol ascribes to a George Washington Carver world view of sorts, at least when it comes to African-Americans who are not say, established talent appearing on their show. Mostly white idiots watch this crap and Fox/Freemantle assume that they want their black folks to display certain qualities — particularly the women. Sing Whitney. Belt out the high notes. Being fat is okay if you can belt out big notes. Sing it karaoke, just like Aretha and Whitney. Sing that terrible Get Here song. American Idol prefers their ladies of color to be of the adult contemporary variety.

When Ashlee Altise starts belting out Come Together, I am (almost) shocked. She was set up to be cray-cray. SHE HAS DREADS. SHE DANCES. But Ashlee has the pipes to back it up. Also: excellent song choice. Why do I feel as if Ashlee is not long for this world? The good ones never are…and $10 says she’s going to be one of the contestants who pisses everyone off on group day during Hollywood Week.

DAY 2 MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS

W.T. Thompson (Age 25)

We are led to believe this blond bruiser of a man doesn’t make it. That it’s touch or go. The drama is built up, yet…we see AT-HOME FOOTAGE. And the tears of a young lady. The  former prison screw decided to quit his job to try out for American Idol. Even though he has a pregnant wife. Because it is his dream. Steven says no…Jennifer says yes…Randy likes the power. Randy thinks W.T. will be EATEN ALIVE. Of course W.T. makes it. Hey, that’s cool. His voice was kind of good and he and his friends look like a lot of fun. He doesn’t appear to be a religious kind, like that Michael Sarver, but hell, we only saw him for like, 3 minutes. But I saw no cross and the one buddy looked like a friendly vicious biker.

THIS IS WHY REALITY TV HAS WRITERS

Apparently, in Savannah, there are hundreds of attractive women who cream their panties for Steven Tyler. Yes, Steven Tyler got a lot of tail back in the day, before he morphed into an Ab Fab-loving drag queen, and he’s still got a shitload of money and sometimes still tours with Aerosmith in stadiums across the land, so yes, it is not inconceivable to believe he can still get laid, but come on! I bet some of these girls were too young to even remember Crazy or Cryin’. And they’re auditioning for American Idol! They want to be on TV! People will do anything to be on TV! There’s even an entire network devoted to these individuals and it is called TLC.

She traveled to Buffalo just to grope Steven Tyler.

Erica Novak (Age 20-something )

Did Erica really travel all the way from Buffalo, NY to meet her “future ex-husband Steven Tyler?” She doesn’t even care if she goes out in “security cuffs” if it means she gets to kiss.

To hell with the golden ticket, just give me a fucking hug.

Doubt Steven Tyler minded his ass getting grabbed. Just like I’m sure Joss Stone is probably okay with people still singing her music, even if its not very good.

Brittany Kerr (Age 23?)

Brittany is a dancer for an NBA team. She is attractive in the bland conventional way dancers for NBA teams are attractive. She is blond. She is also singing…JOSS STONE. WTF JOSS STONE? Her voice is mediocre, at best. Mediocre at best, sufficient for the bland conventionality of an NBA dancer. Once this girl gets the heave-ho, she will likely appear as a contestant on The Bachelor within the next two years.

The only notable part about this audition was that it was used to illustrate something very obvious, that Randy and Steven will always give the “pretty girl” the benefit of the doubt. In reality, it just proved that Jennifer Lopez, like Kara DioGuardi before her, is an insecure twat. Brittany is by no means actress or model pretty and her voice is absolutely nothing to write home about, but she is an NBA dancer currently being admired by 2 men sitting on either side of Jennifer Lopez. SHE IS YOUNGER. She must be eliminated because she is a threat to PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (Come on, kids…why didn’t Pia Toscano get to duet with a more famous & talented person at last year’s finale?)

GAME OVER. ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.

Philip Philips: The next American Idol? Maybe. The next American Idol contestant to be lusted after by women at least 2-4x his age? Definitely.

Philip Philips (Age 20) 

Philip Philips is inoffensively cute. Cute in the way that you would want the guy your daughter may or may not be schtupping at homecoming to be cute. His middle name, if it is not Philip, should be aw shucks. He wears plaid. He works at his father’s pawn shop, which seems to carry a lot of ready-to-mount taxidermy. Philip Philips has a guitar. Philip Philips is a junior. His father is loving and supportive and smiley also, obviously, named Philip Phillips. His mother, who should be named Philipa but probably is not, loves Ryan Seacrest, although in her opinion, he is not as handsome as Philip Philips, Sr.

Philip Philips is American Idol gold and he doesn’t even have a dead (or comatose) girlfriend. He’s even gonna sing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition. Everybody loves it when white boys sing soul, particularly Stevie Wonder, particularly Superstition. (But black men, well, they just can’t sing country.)

Philip Philips is good. He’s better than your average bar singer and as we’ve seen, he’s cut his teeth playing live shows around his hometown. Philip Philips hasn’t even picked up his guitar. It doesn’t matter that Philip Philips is wearing flip flops. Homeboy can really play guitar. Homeboy is not playing Stairway. Homeboy is playing Thriller. Philip Philips has busted out the big guns his first time out of the gate — was that a mistake, a la Andrew Garcia, who never quite met the expectations set by his acoustic cover of Paula Abdul’s Straight Up? Doubt it.

Philip Philips has the looks of a supporting character on Friday Night Lights. Philip Philips might be the most perfect White-Guy-With-Guitar ever seen on American Idol. It’s like they took all the qualities of the last 4 winners and merged them into one nubile Super-White-Guy-With-Guitar. And frankly, the only think interesting about Your Cousin Phil DeWheezy was that he worked in a paint store. Well, Philip Philips works in a PAWN STORE. He is the plaid shirts & Michael Jackson-loving song-re-arranger with loving parents a la Kris Allen. He has the aw shucks guy-next-door demeanor and speaking tendencies of Scotty McCreery, although its a bit more seasoned given the fact he has a few years on the kid. He sings his re-arranged songs with the throatiness of the original WGWG, David Cook. His guitar skills even appear to be on par with Season 9′s Casey James, who may have not been the most talented WGWG vocally, but damn, that could could play guitar. Philip Philips is also NOT wearing a cross.

Dear Philip Philips, I feel very, very sorry for you. You have no idea what’s gonna happen now that all those old ladies, ahem, American Idol’s ardent fanbase, has seen you on their television screens.

Yes, yes. It is only the first night out but I think we have a winner. American Idol is never as entertaining as I want it to be, but I’ve been sitting here typing about it for almost 4 hours so I really want it to be, ya know? Tonight’s episode was surprisingly–with the exception of the whole mocking immigrants and gay NASCAR fans thing, and (obviously) Jennifer Lopez–kind of…good? It dragged on forever and people kept singing Joss Stone (didn’t she go the way of the dodo bird and Leelee Sobieski?), but it could have been so much worse. It could have been…last year.

What did you think of tonight’s show? How much did you have to drink to get through the entire 2 hours? Do you think Philip Philips is gonna win it all, even though we’ve only seen one audition city? Do you think they should just throw in the towel and change the name of the show to American White Guy With Guitar Mild Idol? Start talking.

Spread the word. Do it.

Who’s getting excited for the new season of American Idol?  Yeah. Me neither. But at least we have each other.

Spread the word. Do it.

Happy holidays, everyone! Let’s ring it in with Adam Lambert and his boyfriend, Sauli Koskinen, were arrested after a drunken altercation outside a nightclub in Koskinen’s native Finland. They were subsequently released. News reports followed. As did apologetic Tweets and hamburgers or something.

So how to approach this one? These are the types of stories TopIdol loves, mainly since it will illicit asinine defenses on behalf of those damn Glamberts. Honestly, when Adam Lambert behaves badly, I’m not always rolling my eyes at him, but laughing hysterically at his over-invested fanbase.

But this was a tricky one which required a bit of thought.

First: Punches against one another were likely not thrown. So Adam Lambert probably does not abuse his boyfriend. Physical violence is nothing to laugh at. If he did punch his boyfriend, then that would be a whole other horrible matter. Unless someone has footage of punches being thrown, I’m going to give Lambert the benefit of the doubt. And the fact I’ve seen a few outside-the-club/bar-at-closing-time brouhahas in my day.

Second: Who hasn’t done something drunk and stupid? One time I slept outside my door for 3 hours. That was also the last time I spent an evening drinking champagne (that shit is the devil’s urine). Who hasn’t done something drunk and stupid outside a bar? Or at least SEEN something drunk & stupid outside of a bar.  I’m the last person to pass judgment on having a chaotic night followed by a dreadful hangover. Granted, I’ve never gotten into a bar brawl but I’ve done some stupid things and a few of them past the age of 30.

But I’m not condoning Lambert’s actions. Getting into a drunken altercation with your boyfriend outside a club in Helsinki doesn’t make you edgy. It just makes you look like the guy that’s trying really hard to prove they’re edgy and different. That you’re bad ass. If you may be reported on for doing bad behavior in the international [gossip] press, you should pick & choose carefully. You don’t want to be portrayed as a trainwreck until you prove you have the talent to make being a hot mess a-ok.

Getting arrested for a drunk fight with your boyfriend doesn’t make you an alcoholic, but it doesn’t make you look good. It just makes you look like an overly-dramatic mess. For someone who claims they want to be taken seriously as an artist, your actions are working against you. While I’ve never been a fan of her voice, Xtina has often been hailed as a vocal goddess, yet she’s talked about more for her inebriated sloppiness and Snooki-like appearance than her talent. And this is a woman who’s has the awards and records to back it up.

This isn’t Lambert’s first misstep. Hell, he got kicked out of Lady Gaga’s birthday party. If you’re gonna be a trainwreck, you gotta do it right. You gotta do it once you’ve proven yourself and no matter how many people think Adam Lambert is a one-of-a-kind talent, he hasn’t achieved the sort of career milestones that get you a free pass.

Lady Gaga likely does a lot of stupid things while under the influence, but she makes headlines for her whacked costumes and um, actual music. She’s got talent. She’s devoted to her art above all else. While Amy Winehouse’s career was cut tragically short, she was a revelatory talent, one that may endure despite her tabloid infamy. Yet her messiness will always be a footnote. Lindsay Lohan’s early promise, on the other hand, would barely earn a paragraph in her obituary. It is now a non-issue. At best, in life or death, Lohan will always be remembered as a cautionary tale.

Adam Lambert, however, achieved fame in an era where talent is secondary, where entire magazines are devoted to the bad behavior of reality TV stars. Lambert is a reality TV star, but it wasn’t a show throwing a bunch of famewhores together in a house and watching them behave badly with one another. He was in a singing competition, a show that may still be a cash cow and ratings powerhouse, but one that has historically proven to not be a definite career catalyst. If you wanna build off American Idol fame, you have to have the talent to overcome the fact that you were on American f**king Idol. Just because people watch the show doesn’t mean they buy records. Most of the viewers forget your name within days of the season finale. The chances of you becoming a superstar are highly unlikely and frankly, you’re not getting multiple seasons. The cast of Jersey Shore technically has more staying power, even if they’re famous for um, just being on a reality TV show.

Lambert might be confused. Perhaps he equates reality TV notoriety to actual fame, but that doesn’t cut it when you’re a guy who sang on American Idol. It has nothing to do with being an out-and-proud gay male, although there will be people who ridicule you for this behavior and deem it “typical homosexual.” Who wants those people as fans, anyway? It has nothing to do with being gay. It has everything to do with career ambition. Because getting arrested for drunken fighting may be a typical career move for a reality TV star, it is not one for someone who claims to want a legitimate career in the music industry. And the more famous you become for being a reality TV star, the less people will ever take you or your talent seriously.

Spread the word. Do it.

One of Texts From Bennett’s recent posts mentioned the Glam God himself, one Mr. Adam Lambert. I have no idea whether or not rabid Glamberts are currently trying to get to the bottom of this, because he also mentioned butterflies and hot pink so clearly Bennett is a HOMEPHOBE. I would hope most of them would find this mention pretty funny, if they read Texts From Bennett. Because Texts From Bennett is pretty funny.

Speaking of Adam Lambert, today he Tweeted the cover to his upcoming single (or album? haven’t been keeping up) Better Than I Know Myself. While one should never judge a book by its cover, this is a VAST IMPROVEMENT over the Lisa-Frank-Went-To-A-Rave-But-Not-Reallyness of For Your Entertainment. No word if he knows Bennett texted about him, but I’m sure he would be pleased.

Spread the word. Do it.