19.15

Skrillex has already won THREE Grammys: Best Dance/Electronic Album, Best Dance Recording, and Best Remix Recording. You guys all know he hasn’t been a real-real DJ/Producer in awhile now, right? Ok good. Just checking.

20.01

Leading off with Springsteen? The only way in hell you’re gonna top this is Adele.

20.04

This song isn’t that good but its still Springsteen. That’s all that matters.

20.06

Just take your shirt off LL Cool J.

20.07

They got all religious and people wore ridiculous dresses.

20.10

You know you have an eating disorder when you’re dwarfed by your fake eyelashes Carrie Underwood.

20.11

Please don’t let Taylor Swift sing. Please don’t.

20.12

How long until Bruno Mars is chosen to star in a remake of La Bamba?

20.13

“Get off your rich asses and have some fun.” — Bruno Mars, being accurate.

20.16

I’m not defending Chris Brown but Bruno Mars just cited James Brown by name in his performance and he beat a lot of women. How is one ok and the other not? Because James Brown never backhanded a Grammy-nominate/winning singer?

20.16

Marc Anthony is there! And he looks healthier than ever before. Because Jennifer Lopez is no longer drinking his blood. Good for him.

20.19

Do I want another slice of pizza?

20.20

CBS Cares Colostomy Sweepstakes?

20.24

Saying it for the 30th time: Alicia Keys is one of those things that’s really good on paper and THE MOST BLAND DULLEST NOTHING in reality.

Etta James tribute by Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys? Are we gonna preface everything tonight by making it about Whitney Houston? Just make sure Ms. Winehouse gets her proper memorial. Ok, thanks.

20.25

Best Solo Pop Performance has gotta be…that was easy. Now let’s just hand Adele all of them now, shall we?

20.27

“How are they mapping that stage?” — Dewb

20.31

You’re really gonna learn how to “be a better dad” by finding a video on Google?

20.33

James Brown
Bobby Brown
Chris Brown

20.35

I hope Fergie pees herself.

20.36

Come on, Nicki Minaj + Wheelchair Jimmy! Not to be. Jay-Z and Kayne West.

20.37

When do they give Blue Ivy Carter her Grammy?

20.38

KELLY CLARKSON! And this Jason Aldean person who I thought was Blake Shelton but who the hell knows, they all wear cowboy hats.

20.41

Skrillex looks exactly like Corey Feldman.

Also this: http://catsthatlooklikeskrillex.tumblr.com/

20.47

Be right back. Gonna go piss on dubstep’s grave now that it’s done a commercial with Jennifer Lopez.

20.48

So tonight I proposed something on Twitter and a bunch of people got into it (i.e., RT-ed my ass). But you gotta admit, it is a REALLY good idea, no?

Kelly Clarkson and Adele should do an acoustic remake of “The Boy Is Mine.”

20.50

Remember when one of the Foo Fighters dated Winona Ryder? Yeah. Neither does he.

20.51

Why don’t they let the Foo Fighters inside? They’re all dressed a lot better than that pigeon-in-a-farthingale Lady Gaga.

20.52

I can’t take Coldplay seriously, especially as their frontman is married to and procreated with Gwyneth Paltrow…speaking of, Gwyneth Paltrow actually sings better live than Taylor Swift. Please don’t let Taylor Swift sing. Ok thanks.

20.54

Dear Rhianna. Don’t DRESS like the woman who gets punched by her boyfriend behind their trailer, mmm-kay?

21.02

I was hoping Michelle Pfeiffer was gonna sing Cool Rider in front of Maxwell Caulfield but its just Rhianna and Chris Martin.

21.11

Tonight’s best Coldplay performance? Willie Nelson for Chipotle! (Now seriously. WHO DID THAT AD?!)

21.16

Foo Fighter are good and all but was thinking it would be Mumford & Sons. Alas. But they shouldn’t boot them off the stage with LMFAO and Ryan Seacrest.

21.17

What’s up with Ryan Seacrest’s hair?

Spread the word. Do it.

21.18

Maroon 5 kicks off a tribute medley to The Beach Boys. Sadly, Adam Levine is wearing a shirt.

21.20

Digging this Foster The People doing The Beach Boys thing more than I ever expected.

21.23

It’s The Beach Boys! For realz! But without John Stamos on drums.

21.25

They are not spring chickens. But this is so much better than when your cousin Phil DeWheezy performed with Chicago during that American Idol finale.

21.31

Can’t have an awards show without Stevie Wonder.

21.34

Paul McCartney. You sound like shit.

21.34

Ok. Maybe you’re getting a little better. But this song is supposed to be spoken word, right?

21.38

Chris Brown is wearing a diamond ear pendant. Everyone looks uncomfortably confused when he wins, like do they clap or boo or…everyone is just confused.

21.39

A White Stripes tribute band? You don’t say!

21.49

What the hell is this perky Grapes of Wrath shit?

You’re telling me Taylor Swift starts dressing like an old-timey migrant worker after singing a song for The Hunger Games?

All of this being said, that’s the best I’ve heard he sound live on anything. They must have finally jacked up her levels properly.

21.52

If it’s not Rolling In The Deep well…nice job. Duh. Even if it wasn’t, you would just have to say it was.

21.58

I was about to craft something clever about how Kate Beckinsale has got farther than anyone else just by being cute and sleeping with the right people but then I was horrified when some girl came out pretending to be Lady Gaga circa late 2009 / early 2010. But it was just Katy Perry.

22.00

Why does Gwyneth Paltrow get to introduce Adele? Because she uses a British accent some times?

22.05

Just because you look good in a ponytail and have an insane body does not you likable, Gwyneth Paltrow.

22.09

I love this woman so fucking much.

22.12

I need a cigarette after that.

22.13

I would have Adele’s babies. And I hate children.

22.18

If Adele joined the cast of Downton Abbey, the US might recall that whole revolutionary war thing.

22.22

Glen Campbell. Damn. I never liked that Xmas album my mom always played when I was a kid but now I appreciate it and everything about you. And you still sound great.

22.33

Now Rhianna looks like Sharon Stone in Casino.

22.37

Nice that Bon Iver won. Hollier-than-thou works sometimes. Carrie Underwood totally sang over Tony Bennett. She must be hungry.

Look at Bon Iver. Look at Adele. Being humble is the way to go.

22.39

What about Amy Winehouse?

22.41

Parade of dead people. I had no idea Dobie Grey was a black dude.

22.44

I have been rather indifferent about Whitney Houston’s death, yet Jennifer Hudson makes me a little bit misty.

22.58

Deadmau5 is a cylon. I feel so cheap right now.

23.06

Did they make Glen Campbell dress up like a priest to sit on stage with Nicki Minaj?

23.06

ALSO: WHEELCHAIR JIMMY!

23.07

OMG. Is that the KKK?

23.12

True story: Adele’s Rolling In The Deep played a large part in keeping me somewhat sane last March-July.

23.12

Bet Blue Ivy Carter wins Album of The Year.

23.17

This is still cracking my ass up:

23.21

Like Adele wasn’t going to win. This is the Adele Show and I’m perfectly okay with it!

23.22

And she makes jokes about snot. She is the most wonderful person in the world.

23.24

Still waiting for that proper Amy Winehouse memorial.

21.50

It’s only been about 5 minutes but Ricky Gervais just proved it was okay to publicly make beaver jokes to Jodie Foster.

21.52

Was that Keanu Reeves of Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

21.56

I want a cigarette. Is anyone else sort of over Johnny Depp? Hmmm…Mila Kunis looks like she hates Gerald Butler. Which is super ok, because he is to Daniel Craig what Shia LeBeouf is to Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

21.57

I have no idea why I’ve been watching this for 10 minutes and have already made 2 Joseph Gordon-Levitt mentions. Christopher Plummer won. Very nice. Skinny Jonah Hill, however, is still weird. Now when can we give Ewan McGregor an award for being f**king EWAN MCGREGOR?

22.01

My Twitter feed has told me everything I need to know. Yet it seemed to completely overlook the fact Elle MacPherson is insanely beautiful. Even standing next to Ashton Kutcher.

22.03

I don’t care what else happens tonight. I will watch Tina Fey keeps creep up on Amy Poehler for as long as you want me to watch.

22.05

I like Laura Dern. She still has her real breasts.

22.06

Laura Dern and Laura Linney have never played sisters, have they? How has this not happened? I feel like I said this during the Emmys. Deja vu.

22.09

Julienne Moore also has real breasts and likes wearing green. But message to Hollywood: Can we stop with the mermaid-trumpet skirts?

22.12

We should really just start importing every British show. So Downton Abbey is considered a mini-series or TV movie in this instance, yet there is a Series 2 and it won for Best Drama Series at the Emmys. What’s it gonna be Downton?

22.15

Kate Winslet. Of course. They sat her pretty far back there, didn’t they? And cue the music…

22.16

Could someone make Evan Rachel Wood spend about an hour with JWOWW? Just as there is such a thing as too-tan, there is also WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SMUG CASPER? (And that’s Evan Rachel Wood.)

22.18

Jeremy Irons + President of Hollywood Foreign Press who sort of looks like both Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Phelps but has an Italian accent. I have no idea why you would have someone actually European talk about art and then cut to Madonna blinking.

22.20

“I know that God and my agent have the same amount of input into my career…it’s gotta be done.”

22.21

Melissa McCarthy and some stick figure in one of those damned mermaid-trumpet dresses from a Tom Cruise movie. Get that bitch away. All you need is Melissa McCarthy.

22.22

Do we really need to give Kelsey Grammer another award for marrying younger dumb gold-digging blond women? Oh wait. This is for Best Actor or something.

22.26

Homeland won something. I’ve heard its a good show but a) I don’t have Showtime and b) Clare Danes annoys the living hell out of me. Deer in headlights = not acting. But let’s look at the positive — At least as long as cable television exists, Clare Danes will never get work in real movies.

At least Boardwalk Empire didn’t win, as it is extremely overrated. Next year, Mad Men is back in and Breaking Bad will have finished its final season. Enjoy your little trophy, Clare Danes show.

22.28

Ok. Now pairing Adam “Moves Like Jagger” Levine with Jagger-imitating Jimmy Fallon was a mild stroke of brilliance.

22.31

Oui oui.

22.41

Oh so that’s why Madonna is there. Wow. That song sounds like some of the weakest tracks off of Ray of Light and Music. This song is terrible. It’s almost This Used To Be My Playground terrible. And I knew she was writing and directing a film but I had no idea it CAME OUT and she even did a song for it. Seriously? Well at least Randy Newman didn’t win, of course, he’ll win the Oscar.

Julienne Moore gave side eye and Elton John clearly wants Madonna dead. This is awesome.

22.41

Quit. Trying. To. Make. Katherine. McPhee. Happen.

22.46

Did I DVR Downton Abbey?

22.47

Idris Elba won. And he’s British. The British are just better at this acting thing. And just because he is British, do not flash to Gerald Butler.

22.50

“I’m Seth Rogan and I’m currently trying to conceal a massive erection.” Well, what else does one say when they’re standing next to Kate Beckinsale?

22.51

I had no idea Jodie Foster’s sons were Culkins.

22.52

Yay! Michelle Williams! She didn’t have to marry a midget cultist to have a viable career after making out with James Van Der Beek.

22.53

Sarah Michelle Geller is still wearing her Cruel Intentions wardrobe?

22.56

YAY!!!! PETER DINKLAGE! PETER DINKLAGE!! Do you see this, little people of the world? You can be famous on and on TV without going on TLC!

22.58

Angelina Jolie. What happened to you? You used to be soooooo gorgeous. Now you’re wearing my dead grandmother’s final lipstick.

22.59

Shocked Lana Del Rey isn’t presenting an award.

23.01

Steven Spielberg made a cartoon about Tin Tin and the people who decide this are the Hollywood Foreign Press. Did Rango really think they had a shot? (P.S. It’s okay Puss In Boots didn’t win since Oskar and I still have received ZERO royalties.)

23.03

When does Katherine McPhee get a rom-com with Gerald Butler?

23.05

Jessica Lange sort of looks like post-gastric bypass Roseanne Barr, no?

23.05

OMG JESSICA LANGE. YOU ARE IN YOUR 60s. YOU DO NOT DO OPEN BACK.

23.07

Kelsey Grammer beat out Bryan Cranston. Just wanted to remind you…

23.09

No one in the room wants to see Madonna again. No one wants to hear Madonna talk about Fellini and Goddard.

23.11

See everyone? Not all Middle-Eastern men are scary! And they don’t all wear things on their head. Can’t wait to hear Fox & Friends discuss this tomorrow morning…

23.12

Dustin Hoffman is one of those great pe-paws who pretends he’s sleeping just because he doesn’t like you.

23.13

Juliana Marguiles. You are a pretty & talented woman. Please do not get Botox the day of an awards show EVER AGAIN.

23.15

Clare Danes will never win an Oscar. You also should not look that old. You should not look like Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman has 15 years on you. Clare Danes, please stop talking.

23.16

Whew. I thought that was Katy Perry. But it’s only Emily Blunt.

23.19

JUST GIVE EVERY AWARD TO MELISSA MCCARTHY. Ok. I kind of just want to stop this and watch her in Bridesmaids again.

23.20

Just heard Morgan Freeman is gonna take a bath in a casket. Gotta keep watching.

23.21

David Duchovny. I would still…Thomas Jane…you, too.

23.21

Suck on this, David Schwimmer!

23.24

After the speech…
Me: [On Matt LeBlanc] “He’s from Newton.”
Punketta: “So that explains why he’s so boring.”

23.27

I cannot wait until the day a black actress wins for a role that has nothing to do with being a woman of color in a bad situation. But congrats to Octavia Spencer. (And look at Melissa McCarthy crying!) Ok…The Help table looks like its a lot of fun.

23.30

We should give every woman who did not wear a mermaid-trumpet dress a Golden Globe.

23.33

I am so gay for Helen Mirren.

23.34

Morgan Freeman isn’t even in a bad movie when he’s in a bad movie. Name one other actor you can say that about.

23.37

Decided Batman Begins might be the greatest movie of all time as it has both Liam Neeson and Morgan Freeman.

23.37

MORGAN FREEMAN BATHING IN A CASKET.

23.38

Stop showing Gerald Butler. Please.

23.40

Morgan Freeman + Sidney Poitier = Tears from Melinda

23.41

MORGAN FREEMAN MAKES ELTON JOHN SMILE! BEN KINGSLEY MIGHT BE GETTING A HANDY!

23.43

Getting bored…is it time for the Dead People Parade yet?

23.44

Note to self: See The Artist. Soon.

23.45

The SmartWater bottles on the tables just look so damn gauche.

23.48

If you wondered why they showed Kate Beckinsale when Martin Scorsese, its because she was in The Aviator for 5 minutes. I don’t care if every Best Director award at every awards show from here on out gives it to Scorsese. They will never be able to take back that Oscar that went to Kevin Costner for the white guy & Native Americans movie the same year Goodfellas was released…

23.48

Even I can’t take my eyes off Salma Hayek’s breasts.

23.50

How was this New Girl show nominated but no Parks & Recreation?

23.51

Just saw Benedict Cumberbatch. Did you?

23.52

Michelle Pfeiffer, where did you come from?

23.55

Jessica Biel wins WORST DRESSED. She’s wearing your memaw’s wedding dress and appears to have a third breast. Is this because she’s co-starring in the Total Recall remake?

23.58

Glenn Close played a dude so you know, she’s gotta win.

23.59

I had no idea David Bowie was up for Best Actress.

23.59

You could conceivably just give the award to Meryl Streep every time she’s nominated and then give another to someone else and it would still be okay.

00.01

Meryl Streep is nothing but class. Even in an ill-fitting shirt with awkward cutouts, the woman is all class.

00.03

She makes God-Harvey Weinstein-Old Testament jokes. And you know anyone who loses to her is okay with it.

Cameraman finally wins one by panning to Madonna as Meryl Streep apologizes for “trampling all over Britain’s history.”

00.03

There are always some exceptions to the rule. Jane Fonda is at least 70 and her back looks great. AND YOU MADE FUN OF HER FOR ALL THOSE AEROBICS VIDEOS.

00.04

Oh my Natalie Portman is there and she’s no longer pregnant.

00.05

Who is the woman sitting behind George Clooney who always appears to be on the verge of tears?

00.07

George Clooney says Michael Fassbender has a huge cock. He was already getting laid left and right, but a Clooney endorsement never hurts.

00.08

The Decendents wins. And I still need to see it. About 40% of this live blog is a note to self.

00.09

Unrelated: Will always be bummed Sandra Oh and Alexander Payne divorced.

00.10

Well that was…well, no one died, did they? Hey, I just thought of something! Why didn’t they show the dead people?

17.29

Before we get started…

I may wanna cage fight if Jon Hamm DOES NOT win an Emmy for Season 4 of Mad Men. (Hello? Did you see “The Suitcase?”)

Just putting it out there.

17.32

FINE. I will turn on E! and watch this Red Carpet nonsense, even though I REFUSE to listen to Guliana Rancid discuss her fertility issues.

Mind blown. Meta. Ryan Seacrest interviewing Paula Abdul and  Nigel Lythgoe. She talked about blueberries and blue balls.

17.46

Looks like starlets are wearing red this year. Lea Michele should be banned from every red carpet, hell, even every red ribbon cutting at a Sonic Burger. Describing her as an obnoxious camera-hogging twat is way too kind.

Ladies in Red (Thus Far)
Lea Michele
Nina Dobrev (Vampire Diaries my ass. She will always be Toronto’s Teen Mother Model Wannabe Extraordinaire on Degrassi in my eyes.)
Angela Kinsey (RED? But is it from the American Girl store? Sometimes Gap Kids and LimitedToo are just a bit tawdry for The Office’s Anne Geddes-loving accountant.)
KATHY GRIFFIN (FINALLY. We needed some class around this place. I love you Kathy Griffin like I love Christina Hendrick’s magnificent chi-chis.)

17.47

Oh Thandie Newton. Not that we will ever meet, but if you are somehow cosmically connected to me in some unknown way, please forgive me for thinking Brooke Burke was you for about 5 seconds.

17.49

You know Christina Hendricks’ husband is hung like an elephant. Speak softly and carry a big stick, ya know?

18.00

FINALLY! We finally have REAL GLAMOUR. In the form of Parks & Recreation’s Retta and Aubrey Plaza, who both look GORGEOUS.

Now give me some Ron Swanson. Right now. I want Nick Offerman and Jon Hamm posing for the cameras. Is it that difficult? And then I want them to be the guests on the most-awesome-TV-show-EVER (in my own mind) all about Anthony Bourdain and Neil deGrasse Tyson traipsing the globe eating stuff and talking science.

18.03

Oooooh. Cara Buono is there! Dr. Blondie! Poor sweet Dr. Blondie who was unceremoniously dicked over for that younger, French-Canadian harpy by [my still beloved] Don Draper. Really hope we haven’t seen the last of her…or Rachel Menken. I don’t care if she’s on Sons of Anarchy now, she can fit a guest arc into her schedule.

18.29

Why Betty White will always be better than each and every one of you:

“I’m wearing a put-together from a little shop I like to call the back of my closet.”

18.37

Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing a Pucci half-shirt gown because she is just like you and me.

Sofia Vergara is gorgeous. She also refused to be Tom Cruise’s Scientology Slave. SHE IS AWESOME.

18.40

Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights) is also wearing red. Imagine if she won tonight? Imagine if FNL took home any Emmys? Would be too good to be true. It’s the one place where clear eyes and full hearts can lose.

18.46

Jennifer Westfield. Luckiest bitch in all the world. Jon Hamm. Wearing Tom Ford. Why are these beautiful people stuck chatting with Guliana Rancid?

OOOOH. Jon Hamm directed the Season 5 premiere of Mad Men.

18.55

Kate Winslet is wearing a very comfortable Ellie Saab dress. In red. Kate Winslet should have nary trouble picking up yet another heavy knick-knack for her English manor. (She’s nominated for the titular role in HBO’s mega-miniseries Mildred Pierce.)

18.57

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Kristen Wiig. Wearing Zac Posen. She’s looking kind of wrinkled and her favorite former SNL cast member was Phil Hartman. I almost want to like her and her awkwardness. But I don’t buy it. If that’s how she is out of character, she’s the same person as all of her characters, oh never mind…

YAY! Its almost 8pm! I can turn off this Red Carpet bullshit and the real show begins!

19.09

Leonard Nimoy doesn’t want Jane Lynch to tell everyone all people in TV live in one big building. Which is obviously the lead-in to…the ubiquitous musical medley mentioning all the major nominees.

Ok. Watching Rex Lee and Jeremy Piven (Entourage) doing limited choreography was kind of cute.

I’m a geek. So why do I think The Big Bang Theory sucks?

Randy Jackson tells Jane Lynch she’s a little bit pitchy, dawg. Yawn.

THANK YOU RON SWANSON! THANK YOU! And Ron Swanson could obviously only be followed by…MAD MEN! Mad Men talking about lesbians. Jane Lynch flirting with Elisabeth Moss. John Slattery trying to watch TV on a phone. All because Jane Lynch came from the future.

Jane Lynch battles alter ego Sue Sylvester. Thankfully this was almost painless.

Emmy Opener: C
Ron Swanson & Mad Men interlude(s): A

19.12

Yay! Meredith from The Office is part of “The Emmytones.” As is Tarij P. Henson. And…Wilmer Valderamma? Does that guy even work anymore? How’s he get this gig?

19.17

Jimmy Fallon + Jimmy Kimmel. Bit about finding Fallon’s secret speech if he were to win the Emmy for Best Talk Show Host tonight.

PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE NO PLEASE NO WIIG.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jane Krakowski
Julie Bowen
Kristen Wiig
Jane Lynch
Sofia Vergara
Betty White

Interesting. Is Julie Bowen even funny? Shrill, yes, but funny? (Never really saw the appeal. Am I missing something?) Does it matter? She has a degree in Italian-Renaissance Studies to fall back on!

19.20

Can we give Julianna Margulies an award for not being as malnourished as Julie Bowen?

She’s presenting and she’s pretty damn funny. Makes sense. Poor girl always plays such serious roles.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING MALE ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Ty Burrell
Jesse Tyler Ferguson
Jon Cryer
Chris Colfer
Ed O’Neil
Eric Stonestreet

Chances are, someone from Modern Family was gonna win it. And I now realize Ty Burrell is not the same guy who does home makeovers. Probably should catch this show one of these days…

19.31

One of my favorite TV atheists is Ricky Gervais. Glad Jane Lynch’s post-Gervais bombed.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR COMEDY SERIES
Pamela Fryman (How I Met Your Mother)
Gail Mancuso (Modern Family)
Michael Spiller (Modern Family)
Beth McCarthy-Miller (30 Rock)
Steve Levitan (Modern Family)

Modern Family: 3
Everyone Else: 0

19.34

Are there any Death Cab For Cutie fantards who want to believe Zooey Deschanel is a Yoko? No clue. But I fully understand why Neil Gaiman-tards loathe Amanda Palmer because she’s Amanda Palmer. Anyway, I digress. Zooey D. looks like the topper of a Sweet 16 cake.

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES
I was going to list all the nominees but a couple of dudes from Modern Family won so the extra effort was completely unnecessary.

Modern Family: 4
Everyone Else: 0

19.41

I have just been told I need to buy an iPad, eat bacon, get a cash-back rewards card from Bank of America, and watch some revisionist history CGI gag called Immortals. And apparently, if you wear really cute shoes purchased at DSW while apple picking, everyone will want to make Instagrams of your feet. Yes, folks. This industry is how I feed myself and Oskar.

Speaking of Oskar, he just turned up the volume full-blast when CHARLIE SHEEN was announced. #winning?

19.49

So is Charlie Sheen in between bi-polar episodes? Or maybe finally medicated? What’s the consensus on that one? Granted, if I was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, I might want to take pills to make me forget. Forget it all.

Should we just go with whomever is nominated from Modern Family? Wait? There are none? What an ensemble show…that’s the point, isn’t it?

Steve Carrell is the sentimental favorite to win. And gotta admit, seeing Matt LeBlanc’s name on this list made me smile. Never really thought…after Friends…I mean, he could still take over Alan Thicke’s spot in being the national face for Las Vegas time-share properties, but hey, only the present matters and right now, he’s an Emmy nominee!

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Jim Parsons (Big Bang Theory)
Alex Baldwin (30 Rock)
Louie C.K. (Louie)
Johnny Galecki (Big Bang Theory)
Steve Carrell (The Office)
Matt LeBlanc (Episodes)

No Steve Carrell. Good. The Office is no longer funny. But curious as to how this Jim Parsons person has won TWICE? I thought Alec Baldwin had locked this category down for the last 4 years?

19.55

Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara. So is she okay with playing-up um, linguistic stereotypes? Anyway, Amy Poehler leads the way by heading up to the stage when her name is called, followed by her other fellow nominees. And its kind of awesome. Kind of awesome because I will just always love Martha Plimpton. And everyone gets a standing ovation. And when Melissa McCarthy wins, everyone genuinely appears to be so damn happy for her. There’s even a bouquet of roses and a CROWN.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Amy Poehler (Parks & Recreation)
Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly)
Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Laura Linney (The Big C)

Melissa McCarthy just made my eyes get a little wet. I’m a sucker for when someone who really deserves it wins. Someone who is really shocked to hear their name called. Yup. I’m a sucker for that. And its perfectly okay, as it offers evidence that I am not a sociopath.

19.58

I think Pax made this a tasting menu? Tasty. Giving thanks for not being at The Olive Garden (there was just a commercial for that quaint little eatery.)

20.03

The Office-inspired “doc” featuring several talented actors in several good shows was pretty damn funny. Especially with Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman delivering Creed’s package of Crystal Meth to Dundler Mifflin. And Tracy Morgan talking about elevators being tiny rooms. This really had PROMISE. Until Kim Kardashian showed up.

20.13

JESUSMUTHAFRAKINGCHRIST.

I really, really, really hate reality television. Not sure why late night talk shows and the likes of The Daily Show, Real Time with Bill Maher, and The Colbert Report were packaged into this REALITY/VARIETY category.

Really? What producer thought this was a good idea? And who wrote these terrible lesbian jokes for Jane Lynch, who’s a perfectly awesome lesbian?

And Emmy voters who gave that smug prick Jeff Probst the award for Best Reality Host over CAT DEELEY should have their little academy of television arts & sciences cards revoked.

OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
Project Runway
Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With The Stars

The Amazing Race wins again. Since its the only show in the lot offering something akin to real-life drama and exposure to global cultures, I have no problem with this winning every year its on the air.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, COMEDY, AND MUSIC SHOW
Saturday Night Live (Where every writer is Justin Timberlake. If only that were the case, there might be more than weak Wiig skits)
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
The Colbert Report
Real Time with Bill Maher
Conan

Yay! The Daily Show won. Good thing they didn’t suffer after that hiring-Olivia-Munn-as-a-correspondant debacle. I mean, what was that all about?

20.16

The Lonely Island + Michael Bolton.

Shit just got real. Shit just got WORTH WATCHING!

20.18

Thank you. It’s Not Gay if It’s a 3-Way on primetime TV.

Freak Bill Macy Freak Bill Macy Freak Bill Macy USA USA USA USA

I Just Had Sex. I’m Captain Jack Sparrow. A medley. All of it. THIS JUST MADE THE SHOW WORTH WATCHING. They even pulled it off without Justin Timberlake.

20.21

Lea Michele is wearing a bridesmaid’s dress (rose shoulders!) with the back lobbed off because that’s the sort of thing that goes with one’s surgically-corrected nose and lips o’ Juvaderm.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY / COMEDY / MUSIC SERIES DIRECTION
Guy from Saturday Night Live. Great. Now get funny again and stop putting Kristen Wiig in every skit.

20.25

Scott Caan and Anna Paquin. I guess that’s what they went to when they figured out Anna Faris was doing press for some new rom-com I’ve fast-forwarded through the trailers of. Weird. Oh wait. Not so weird. It’s Sookie. She’s nothing but a little waitress from Louisiana. A fairy empath waitress whom every man in some swamp town would kill to do the horizontal mambo with. I DON’T GET IT.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES
Conan
The Daily Show
Saturday Night Live
The Colbert Report
Real Time with Bill Maher
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

WOW. A category of actual worthy nominees. Naturally, The Daily Show lives and I really just want to figure out why everyone wants in Sookie’s pants.

20.41

Does Ashton Kutcher look like a Jesus-Douche because that’s what his new Two and a Half Men character is? A Douche-Jesus? Jesus-Douche?

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES
Finally! Friday Night Lights wins something!!

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Margo Martindale
Christina Hendricks
Michelle Forbes
Kelly MacDonald
Archie Panjabi
Christine Baranski

I love me some Joan Holloway but Margo Martindale, well, if Margo Martindale is nominated for anything, Margo Martindale should win that shit. Just watch this and you will understand. WATCH IT NOW. (And Christina Hendricks will win next year. Trust me.)

20.48

If Martin Scorsese is nominated for an EMMY, you just give it to him. You don’t pull that Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences fuckery.

This is also where you think to yourself how Mark Wahlberg has done really well for himself as an executive producer of higher-brow cerebral bro fare on HBO.

20.50

Well. If John Slattery couldn’t win Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series, good thing it was one of my other favorites, PETER DINKLAGE.

But question. Did they do the mic switch immediately after he was announced or did they start getting it ready before even finishing the list? They would have to time this out fairly brilliantly, or else it would technically announce the winner before actually announcing it.

I love Peter Dinklage.

20.56

Thank fraking flying spaghetti monster someone gave Big Pussy some work.

20.57

I would respect Katie Holmes much more if she mouthed “HELP ME” or some unknown code word telling someone to HELP HER when paraded out on live stage.

21.00

Julianna Margulies won OUTSTANDING ACTRESS DRAMA. Which is cool, b/c she’s pretty cool, but wouldn’t it have been really really cool if Connie Britton won?

We’re not big fans of her dress, though. Punketta thinks it looks like the lampshade they put on your cat/dog so they can’t scratch an open wound. I likened it to the washbasin of a trendy “american fusion bar” that will be open less than 9 months.

21.05

Drew Barrymore mugging for the camera lest her “new” Angels get more screentime. There’s no time for this fuckery when this is THE MOST IMPORTANT CATEGORY OF THE NIGHT.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR DRAMA
Jon Hamm
Kyle Chandler
Steve Buscemi
Bryan Cranston
Hugh Laurie

You know, this is always the best category. Much too difficult to choose. And yes, I was rooting for Jon Hamm…but also because you know, I just didn’t think…I mean, if he didn’t win, did you really think they would give it to the guy who also really deserves it but never got the accolades as the rest of the nominees? HELL NO.

But they did! KYLE CHANDLER. Incredible. I wish his speech would have been better, less-Coach Taylor-like, but I guess that’s what happens when you didn’t think you had a chance in hell of winning…

Wow. Is it just me or are they giving it to people who really should win things more often?

21.14

There should be a rule that LL Cool J is only allowed to wear 1 layer of tightly fitting clothing above the waist whenever on camera. I CANNOT SEE HIS ABS.

MINISERIES & MOVIES.

Thank flying spaghetti monster, I don’t have to see clips of Gray Gardens or Temple Granden this year. Because actresses of limited range in my age bracket who were once child/teen stars going for the miniseries Emmy just yields horrible, horrible things. Oh well, maybe the crew from Entourage will tell us why the finale sort of blew.

OUTSTANDING WRITING — MINISERIES OR MOVIE
HOLY SHIT. And the winner is…? DOWNTON ABBEY. PBS via BBC. Beats out a bunch of stuff on HBO and the other awesome UK import of 2010, Sherlock. Hey, I love me some Downton Abbey. It premieres tonight in the UK. I really don’t want to wait much longer for it here. I had no idea I was into Edwardian class wars on the eve of WW1 and as a soap opera, but you learn something new about yourself every day.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS — MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Mare Winingham (Mildred Pierce)
Evan Rachel Wood (Mildred Pierce)
Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)

Duh. Always give it to the talented old broad who’s been knighted by the Queen. And good thing Evan Rachel Wood lost. Yes yes. You are supposed to hate her character, I get it, but it was almost as if she didn’t have to…stretch much?

21.25

And now. Paula Abdul. Briefly playing an Ernst & Young accountant.

Amy Poehler & Melissa McCarthy presenting for OUTSTANDING ACTOR MINISERIES OR MOVIE

First off, Barry Pepper and Greg Kinnear should not even be on there. Considering The Kennedys is one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve ever watched on Netflix Instant and Zombie Strippers and Titanic 2 were also in my queue. So for real? Barry Pepper?

For OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE, holy hell, Todd Haynes does not win for Mildred Pierce. MORE DOWNTON ABBEY!

21.29

Its time for the PARADE OF DEAD PEOPLE. Couldn’t we have done without the umpteenth sub-par cover of Hallelujah? Is this Il Divo or that other group like Il Divo. You hear that cash register in the cresendo? That’s money going into Simon Cowell’s bank account.

Ruined the Parade of Dead People. Totes.

And to all those people who weren’t dead, go check on them. This shit rendition was probably the final BUBBA SMITH HIGHTOWER nail in their coffin. Quick. Go take Betty White’s pulse STAT.

21.33

Dolphin Tale. Really? Really, Morgan Freeman, you really need a paycheck that badly? You step down as the head of Wayne Enterprises so you can go film some Free Willy retread? Really, Morgan Freeman? Really? Thought you had some integrity. I don’t even hold it against you for portraying the President in Deep Impact, and that’s saying a lot. But come on, Freeman, I know you’re getting old but Dolphin Tale? Really?

21.38

Anna Torv + David Boreanez could have been more interesting.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Tom Wilkinson (The Kennedys)
Brian O’Byrne
Guy Pierce
Paul Giamatti
James Woods

Tom Wilkinson is someone I usually love. Not in The Kennedys. The Kennedys is the most horrible thing you may ever watch. Guy Pierce. Someone I’ve always loved. Thank you, Emmy people, for voting for Guy Pierce.

21.44

I love hearing Hugh Laurie talk in his real voice. Clare Danes. Just don’t like hearing her speak. And what’s with the knowing camera span to Gwyneth Paltrow before uttering Helen Mirren’s name 10 times? Gwynnie, you are no Helen Mirren.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS MINISERIES MOVIE
Kate Winslet
Elizabeth McGovern
Diane Lane
Taraji P. Henson
Jean Marsh

Like it wasn’t gonna be Kate Winslet. Come on. Now let’s hope she does her bawdy Brit routine and then let’s listen to Hugh Laurie talk again. But anyone else thinking Hollywood should be doing a lot more with Taraji P. Henson? She’s been nominated for an Oscar and an Emmy in the past 3 years and you probably still don’t even know her name.

21.46

So can Glee still be classified as a phenomenon? Or is it more the plague?

21.49

The world could also use more of Don Cheadle. And he’s presenting the award for…

OUTSTANDING MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Cinema Vierte
Downton Abbey
Too Big To Fail
Mildred Pierce
The Kennedys
The Pillars of The Earth

Again, it must have been a real slow year for high-brow cable entertainment because The Kennedys somehow fell into this list. Which must be just because they have to make money off it somehow, so maybe more people will put it in their Netflix Queues or something. No clue. Because that shit was garbage.

Congrats Downtown Abbey! I like you.

21.52

Time for the big one, with the cast of The Cooler (Bill Macy & Maria Bello)

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Boardwalk Empire
Mad Men
Friday Night Lights
Dexter

Well no shit. Of course its always gonna win. So next year, since Friday Night Lights is gone, Jon Hamm is gonna win, right?

So yeah, Emmys. Closing out with Seven Nation Army and the announcement Gwyneth Paltrow will be handing out the night’s final award, Outstanding Comedy. But shouldn’t comedy come before drama since comedic stuff is less heavy and important and all of that. And its not as if Modern Family isn’t gonna win, so must we really need to go through the formalities?

21.59

Of course the prompter is down. Gwyneth Paltrow don’t need no prompter. Gwynnie is a honey badger, she just don’t give a shit.

Not even bothering to list the nominees out since my favorite (Parks & Recreation) was robbed and Modern Family won. Should probably check out Modern Family one of these days. Is it on Netflix so I can start from the beginning? No doubt it is a lot better than The Kennedys.

22.01

Why is the pre-teen girl in braces on the right of my screen showing massive amounts of cleavage? Better watch out, sweetheart, going all Lohan or Lovato won’t help your career.

Wow. That’s done. And right on time. Cheers to all the winners, the plus-sized women, PBS, the comely dwarf, the old lady…tonight may have actually been about talent. Whoda thunk it?

20.25

Starting a few minutes late so my quasi-roommate and her boytoy can finish up Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. Oskar is staring at something on the wall no one else can see.

20.33

Since this is an American Idol blog of sorts, I’m sure you may be interested to know Season 10′s Paul McDonald (aka Pauly Whites) is engaged to some I’ve-never-heard-of-her actress named Nikki Reed who is in those Twilight movies. They’ve been dating for what, 3 months? He’s the one. Yeah…when people say that so soon into it, they likely um, yeah…good luck, kids.

And yo, Pauly Whites. Loose the kerchief. You look like some sort of Franklin Mint train conductor baby doll. (I swear to Flying Spaghetti Monster this doll exists.)

20.49

Oh Hangover takeoff. Speaking of Justin Bartha…can you tell me in what movie was his first “big role?” GIGLI. GIGLI. He played the special kid Lopez-Affleck had to find or protect. Can’t remember. It was GIGLI for chrissake.

Team Jacob vs. Team Edward nonsense in a fake tattoo on Eva Mendes’ face and some other stuff involving other movies including Taylor Lautner pretending to watch and enjoy the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman sexy times in Black Swan.

20.50

Spread the word. Do it.

20.51

My heart says Jacob but my wiener…says Edward. My balls are indifferent.

I laughed, yet I so dream of a world where people don’t reference Jacob or Edward.

20.54

Is this taking place in some freakish candyland sound stage or something? Gary Busey is there. Why wouldn’t he be?

20.58

Really pretty people grabbing each others’ bits as they get ready to announce Best Male Performance.

Best Male Performance nominees would likely never be nominated for any other award for those particular roles. Naturally, Robert Pattinson (because everyone is teamfuckingedward) wins and I cringe knowing I will one day when it arrives on HBO, I will probably watch Charlie St. Cloud. And I have absolutely no idea why.

21.01

Is Super 8 a return to Close Encounters of the Third Kind? And if so, does this make Kyle Chandler the next Richard Dreyfuss? Nah, I really doubt it…but I wonder why we don’t see much of Richard Dreyfuss anymore. He was in about 75% of the films my parents and I saw in the theaters during my pre-teen years. Remember when they still called it pre-teen and not tween? Remember how much you loved reading TopIdol tangents?

21.05

The squishy soft girly side of me that secretly watches these kinds of movies occasionally on cable still hopes Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams get back together. Just throwing that out there.

21.07

Mickey Rourke should win Best Villian because he always gives the best speeches. But he stood no chance against Draco Macfoy who in real life (or on MTV Awards shows) is shockingly tan and not-creepy looking. So…Twilight and Harry Potter win everything, don’t they? Good thing The Hunger Games will be able to take over once those series finish. Got a bit scared for a few minutes there, ya know?

21.12

Jim Carrey introduces the Foo Fighters because people in my age bracket needed to be included and its been (HOLY SHIT NO WAY) 15 years since The Cable Guy was in theaters.

(But Dave Grohl. You bad ass. So bad ass.)

21.18

Chelsea Handler goes out of her way to look that haggard. Its part of her schtick. No woman in Hollywood with that much money actually looks haggard.

21.22

Danny McBride, guy who’s name I forgot, and Aziz Ansari present Best Jaw-Dropping Performance. Aziz dresses like Jaden Smith (ugh) but isn’t that funny at first. Naturally, Justin Bieber IS the winner…yet I have no idea what the actual jaw-dropping moment was…holy fraking hell this kid’s hair is looking more…well now it’s just almost Suze Orman.

21.25

So The Change Up starring Jason Bateman is the new Vice Versa / Like Father Like Son / 17 Again?

Who decided to surround the “27 Hours Boulder” with barely legal Thai women? Nice touch.

21.26

Whenever I see Shia LeBeouf, I just want Joseph Gordon-Levitt to go kick his sumg face.

21.29

Best Fight. Naturally, Robert Pattinson wins again, but since he had to fight some other people, Xavier Samuel (?) and a pregnant Bryce Dallas Howard get to co-accept. Bryce Dallas Howard’s waxy-wan complexion means she probably got to spend less time in makeup when filming that vampire crap. I don’t know who the other guy is, but I guess he can put this on his resume.

21.33

Oooooh. Best idea ever. Emma Stone & Aubrey Plaza in a buddy chick flick that does not involve weddings.

21.41

Strongly suspect Blake Lively is the second coming of Gwyneth Paltrow.

Best Kiss? Can lipstick lesbian liplock beat Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart? Oh hell no. Who the hell is on this Team Jacob anyway?

Now I must admit, this Robert Pattinson seems kind of fun if I was a young lass, oh yeah, and then he goes and kisses the gay wolf in the audience, which is kind of nice even if its a big ol’ planned stunt. Because poor gay wolf doesn’t win anything when he’s up against that Pattinson.

21.52

No mention of FREEWAY?? Freeway is the best Reese Witherspoon movie of all time.

Wish I liked Reese Witherspoon more than I do. But I am so going to watch Water For Elephants on cable…

Kudos for the F-Bomb, Pattinson. (I refuse to call you RPatz)

21.53

Chelsea Handler. You have millions. Stop buying Newport News.

Please say they put Freeway in this Reese montage.

21.54

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They did. If you haven’t seen it, put Freeway on your Netflix queue.

21.54

Spread the word. Do it.

21.55

Where is Betty White?

21.55

Spread the word. Do it.

21.58

Its also possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show. When I came up in this business if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed. You hid it under your bed. And um, if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people, you hide your face. — Reese Witherspoon

That Blake Lively is gonna be pissed. They should feud.

22.00

Jason Sudekis does a funny Vin Diesel. This guy must have been so bored dating January Jones.

22.01

Mainly because there is strong evidence to indicate January Jones would bore anyone she dated.

22.01

Cameron Diaz would be so much more likeable if she were more likeable.

22.04

Best Line From a Movie. What? No Twilight? What happens then?

GROWNUPS? Oh I see. The kid is like 4. She wants to thank Debbie her manager. And God. And she wants to get chocolate wasted, of course.

22.06

ZOMG JIM! JIM! He’s talking to Trey Songz. I KNOW HIM I KNOW HIM! Heh. Good job, Jim! (I just like acting like a dork on purpose when I see someone I know on TV.) You look better in a bowtie than Ashton Kutcher, too.

22.07

Since Robert Pattinson could not be nominated for Best Female Performance, Kristen Stewart won.

You know those two hate these damn Twilight movies, right?

22.10

Cannot tell difference between Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, except guessing the latter is in rehab and not there, so it must be Selena Gomez.

22.10

Lupe Fiasco makes undeniably catchy tunes. Let’s seem more of him on useless televised celebrations & awards festivities and phase out those Black Eyed Peas.

22.13

Still wondering about Teen Mom & Teen Wolf crossover episodes. Could be gold mine in those, especially in the months MTV does not air new episodes of Jersey Shore.

22.15

That little chocolate wasted girl was SEVEN? She needs to stop talking like a 4-year-old.

22.16

Russell Brand actually looks like Katy Perry.

22.17

Emma Stone won Best Breakthrough Performance. Have liked her ever since Superbad. So when do Stone and Olivia Wilde play sisters in something?

Secret dream: Casting Director.

22.21

More Twilight people. Am almost fascinated with Kristen Stewart’s I-hate-this-crap body language. She, Pattinson and Gay Wolf are presenting this ZOMG WORLD PREMIERE BREAKING DAWN TRAILER.

Doesn’t anyone think these idiots are marrying too young?

22.21

Spread the word. Do it.

22.21

Spread the word. Do it.

22.23

Oh look. Gary Busey in a hamster ball. Well we knew he was there for a reason. And he’s presenting the Best Movie award which…will probably go to that vampire movie and not Inception.

22.24

It means I’m getting old when anything with Justin Timberlake can’t win a damn thing on MTV.

22.24

Holy shit. There were OTHER people in Twilight?

22.27

Somehow, Jennifer Lopez’s turbofolkish On The Floor seems like the perfect ending to this crap. Although I did enjoy the shot of a confused-looking Christopher Mintz-Plasse during the credits. Its good to see he’s still around and has not gone the way of the dodo/Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite.

22.34

The real winner of the night? SELENA GOMEZ! She’s managed to incur the wrath of every obsessive Bieber fan on Twitter. They’re such mouthy little bastards, no?

Spread the word. Do it.