Judges’ Choice

Randy chose Joshua’s first song, because they’re both black. Yup. You heard me. Randy calls Etta James’ I’d Rather Go Blind as “something of a classic on this show.” Translated into non-Randy speak = it’s one of the only [retro r&b] songs we have rights to that hasn’t been sung this season. Anyway, Sexy Sax Girl is doing her thing in the horn section. She’s the only blond so you cannot miss her. Joshua uses a color-coordinated retro-inspired mic which is pretty cool, as his the ensemble it matches. It’s a typical Joshua performance, he sings it like he was back in the gospel choir. La Lopez claims they STRUGGLE in choosing the right song for everyone while Steven Tyler rattles off whatever they told him to say in his typical unconvincing manner.

Smartly or somewhat coincidentally, Joshua’s performance leads into the new Kraft “Anything” Dressing ad from TBWA/Chiat Day. Which just happens to sound an awful lot like I’d Rather Go Blind.

Anyone else completely forget the names Erica van Pelt and DeAndre Brackensick? Because I totally did. But nice to see them and the other people (ELISE TESTONE).

Jennifer Lopez chose Jessica Sanchez’s song, Mariah Carey’s My All, because she thinks the world needs to see Clove sing something with tenderness. In reality, it’s because they are both female who only pledge allegiance to their respective Spanish-Colonial heritages when they need something. Oh, and PURE EVIL CANNOT BE TENDER.

Did you know Randy Jackson WORKS with Mariah Carey? He says its one of the best renditions of one of Mariah’s songs ever done on TV. The last bridge was excruciating and completely off-key. Like all of Jessica’s performance, this one is completely robotic and devoid of any legitimate emotion or comprehension of what she is singing about. To her, it is all vocal runs and octave jumping. Yet no one acknowledges this and Steven tells her she is going to be “the last one standing there.”

For Phil Phillips, Steven Tyler chose Madcon’s Beggin, which is the ONLY curiously interesting song of the evening. It’s a GOOD choice, even if we know how its going to pan out. (Naturally, Steven was responsible for P2′s “judge’s choice” because they are both white guys who once dabbled in rock & roll, and probably because a P2 performance is exactly like a Steven Tyler critique, the words might be different, but you always know what you’re gonna get.) With the exception of a job as an Aerosmith roadie (hello job security), this was probably the greatest gift Steven could give any contestant. As a WGWG, Phil is almost guaranteed victory, but the whiny fans of previous WGWGs calling for “a girl to win” and claiming Phil is “always the same” have me a little worried. But handing P2 a hip hop song when he’s in third position is always a surefire way to boost his chances. Nothing sets hearts aflutter like a WGWG turning a popular hip hop song into guitarama.

In several spots, Phil throws a bit more grit into his voice and shockingly, sounds less like Dave Matthews. He does strip out much of the melody but come on, you can still tell what he’s singing. He makes his constipated grunt-y faces so that’s all fun. And seems to actually be playing the guitar (Will always contend the show’s most skillful guitarist was Season 9′s Casey James). It eventually veers into DMB land, particularly the ending — leaving it open just seems very DMB, no? Do they do that in concert?

But this song did not offend me. Steven Tyler babbles something nonsensical and then tells P2 he wants him to write his own songs because he could be a “new age…[PAUSE] Boss.” Get this man on the bad stuff, someone, because he had more sanity and wiser judgment when he was on the sauce and whatever else. Phil Phillips, you’re not bad, kid, but you sure as hell should not be mentioned in the same breath as Bruce f**king Springsteen.

The judges fawn over Joshua and Phil, which is probably some ploy to score The Bad Seed more votes. So I can’t trust it. Nope. Never trust it. But IF there is any truth it in, it would be nice if people could just admit how unbelievably boring and unoriginal she is.

Contestants’ Choice / EVERYONE GETS KEYS TO THE CITY

Anyone else have the sudden urge to look through Joshua’s closet? No silly. But I guess I do see what I did there. I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS SPORTS JACKETS. But this is the good part, you see, because we get to see the contestants go home. Granted, I do not expect any of them to top the two most touching Homecomings in American Idol history — Eliot and Mama Yamin is untouchable, but Kris Allen quietly uttering don’t cry mama, does sit comfortably in second place. ‘Tis always better to be from Small Town America when you’re on American Idol. After going from private jet to cop-escorted limo, Joshua muses that his town is treating him like Barack Obama.

Joshua gets to attend the Sheriff’s Crawfish Boil, which in all honesty, is probably one of the cooler things contestants have ever attended. After being feted with crawfish, JOSH then puts on his Sunday Finest because we’re going to his family’s church. His gregarious preacher Dad appears to share a simliar respect for the sharp sports jacket. It is a tiny ramshackle church, one even a non-believer can dig — especially after all the goddamned megachurches paraded about on this shit show — even if I’m about 99.9% positive they speak in tongues when cameras are not around. Joshua brings his beloved niece with him in that Ford Mustang convertible throughout town. Here’s hoping One-Eyed Wanda got a good shot for her Instagram!

Joshua then performs James Brown in a packed arena and there are fireworks, but I’m too giddy thinking about One-Eyed Wanda. Time to go back to LA! To the Swaybots! To the Idol stage! To sing his choice — John Lennon’s Imagine. I’m never going to buy a Joshua Ledet album. But as I’ve said throughout the season, this kid better not ever have a career where he is not singing. Imagine lends itself to easy-listening gospel quite well, but I do prefer Joshua at his James Brown best. And yes folks, even I felt a bit warm & fuzzy inside seeing his BFF Hollie Cavanaugh cheer him on from the audience. THEY WILL BE REUNITED ON THE TOUR! NO TEARS!

Gotta admit, I am looking forward to Jessica Sanchez’s homecoming bit. BECAUSE IT WILL BE SO RIFE WITH EVERYTHING I LOATHE. Plus with her being in a San Diego suburb called Chula Vista, she’s never going to have the reception of her rivals. Because people just don’t care in California.

I know that when I was at home, I was homeschooled…and like, I didn’t have, like, a lot friends…and I was like, a dork and no one liked me…and this time guys were chasing my car.

Listen sweetheart, you’re 16. Your social life should pretty much be your high school. And if you’re homeschooled and no one likes you, then you pretty much just are the scourge of suburban humanity. And frankly, who wants to see this girl sing, I just want to see her assessment tests. This kid can’t have more than a 6th grade education. Anyway, since she’s from a hop, skip, and a jump from LA, she gets to ride on a helicopter, not a lear jet. And then she hangs out in the empty stadium where she auditioned (HA) and the Padres play so she can see her name on the Jumbotron. They somehow packed the Chula Vista Ampitheater, but she doesn’t sing and only seems to stop by, so I assume they were all there for…something else. SOMETHING LIKE THE CHANNEL 933 SUMMER KICKOFF CONCERT! Clove’s family pretends to be happy she’s home, but they look all sad and depressed — especially her little brothers.

Somehow, Idol rounded up some people to stand on the street for a Jessica parade. No idea why this all commenced at a high school since homegirl does not attend high school and likely reads at a 4th grade level (Hey, if you can show me where her parents could actually teach in an accredited educational institution, I’ll retract that statement. Until then…). Naturally, Jessica gets off on being fawned over because this is how she um, this is her life blood. She gets a Jessica Sanchez Day in Chula Vista and then gets to hang out on a Navy ship not because they needed to put all of her fans in one place, but because her father is in the Navy. (Her father also looks around my age…this scares me.) Thank you for serving our country, Mr. Sanchez. Sorry I loathe your offspring. I’m sure her little brothers are good kids.

While Jessica Sanchez sings Aerosmith’s own I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing — HER CHOICE!!! HER CHOICE!!! Can we throw her off now because she CHOSE that song?! — I will take solace in the image burned into my retinas of Idol’s version of Patsy & Edina.

What goes through Jennifer Lopez’s mind whenever she hears this song? Does she think about Benny Boy, aka the one that got away? Does Steven think about his daughter? How his daughter made that movie and helped end Bruce & Demi’s marriage. SEE?! Armageddon is a very special part of our cultural fiber. Oh yeah, The Bad Seed belts it out without any emotion. If you heard that on the radio, you would turn it off out of boredom. And that final note? Not good — she cracked in the middle. JLo thinks it sent people into the heavens. When was the last time you ever heard these alleged judge people ever offer real criticism?

When we visit Leesburg, Georgia for Philip Phillips’ homecoming, where a throng of people are actually waiting at the airport for him. I assume during the in between time before a daylight pawn shop visit, he had a conjugal visit with his girlfriend. He also gets a cheese fries dish at his favorite restaurant named after him — which is a surefire omen you’re gonna win American Idol, just ask Kris Allen. Phillip Sr. and mom Sheryl are  too damn adorable. Phil is visibly moved. Tears. TEARS. Come on, Sanchez, you were raised on this show. You should know the best way to pander for votes during homecoming is to CRY.

P2′s homecoming and adorable parents are almost enough for me to forgive him for turing a Disease, a Matchbox 20 song into a Dave Matthews Song, which is essentially the same as turning shit into sewage. Sexy Sax Girl is there — who wants to bet she ends up releasing an album all post-modern Candy Dulfer? But Sexy Sax Girl, sexy as she may be, isn’t really doing Phil Phillips any favors. Because she increases the DMB quotient. JLo, Steven, and Randy decide to actually criticize Phil for not MAKING IT A MOMENT. Uh, when the hell has Jessica Sanchez ever MADE A MOMENT? Ballad after ballad…even Joshua tends to do the same thing week after week.

Is Heejun Han just making faces because they lambasted P2? Maybe. Bigger question is WHY THE HELL IS COLTON DICKS-ON-A-STICK WEARING A DAMNED PINAFORE? Is he One-Eyed Wanda’s beard?

Jimmy Iovine’s Choice

Jimmy chose Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama for Joshua, which seems like a fairly safe and adept choice. And hell, any song that samples The Young & The Restless theme song, ya know? Joshua’s sparkly shoulders are a departure of sorts from his sharp sports jackets, but they catch the light a lot when you bounce around in fog. Whenever I see anyone bouncing on the Idol stage, I miss Skylar Laine. NOW JOSHUA IS STRIPPING AND TRYING TO WAKE UP HIS LEFT LEG. It must’ve fallen asleep. BFF Hollie is going crazy in the audience. (Again, I am touched) Damn, she is super tiny next to that baseball pitcher’s daughter who was on the show for like 2 minutes and wow, how did I recall the name Jeremy Rosado after all this time?

Personally, I would have picked something maybe more dynamic for Joshua, although this was a better fit than Imagine — but then again, he should not have been criticized for showing restraint when frankly, these people should be trying to show different facets of their talent. But you can’t win. You do something different, you weren’t that great. You do essentially the same song, you’re one-dimensional. You’re Jessica Sanchez doing a pathetic adult contemporary ballad every week, you’re akin to Whitney Houston. Don’t pretend any of it has any rhyme or reason.

Jessica pretends to be surprised when a box from AT&T arrives with a Beats by Dre speaker and matching Droid. The same setup in the oft-aired Jordan Sparks commercial. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE IDOL. Jimmy text her I’ll Be There by the Jackson 5. He wants to show people how young she is while still allowing her to resonate with older viewers. Groan. We are also told she is a child with the silhouette amusement park graphics aglow in the background. I’m tired. This is BORING. Boring. Randy is even bitching about there not being a moment-moment-moment and name checks Mariah again. Ok P2. It’s up to you. It’s yours to lose at this point.

P2 gets the Jordan Sparks package and all I know is that I really hope these kids get iPhones, too. Well, except for Clove. She needs a Droid in hot pink. But homegirl is really just a T-Mobile Sidekick when you come down to it. Yes, yes. I know I keep complaining about that kid. I’ll stop! [When she goes home.]

Jimmy wisely selects Bob Segar’s We’ve Got Tonight for Phil Phillips. Wait. Close your eyes. Who is this person? Who is singing?! It’s not Dave Matthews! It’s melodic. When it counted, P2 just sang when he needed to sing. And now there really is no doubt on who’s going to win.

Not just because I can’t stand the kid, but Jessica’s second position + lack of any real emotion during her performances or homecoming are what is going to do her in. Finally. It’s going to be a Phil vs. Joshua finale whether you like it or not. And please oh please oh please may those two not be forced to duet on Michael Jackson’s Black Or White.

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HAVE THE FANTARDS WON? Chew on that and maybe I will as well, but that’s another post for another day…back on topic.

Clearly, no one likes Idol anymore and its not just the continuously sagging ratings offering up the evidence. NO ONE in the music industry wants to give rights to their songs to be performed on this shit show. Tonight’s Top 3 song spoilers features Joshua Ledet, Jessica Sanchez Clove, and Phil Phillips singing TIRED renditions of everything we’ve heard every time before — Judges’ and Producers’ picks my ass, you guys just have a piss-poor catalog. Shockingly, no I Can’t Make You Love Me BUT we do have the most-overdone song in the history of Idol on the list, a song so overdone on this shit show I can no longer derive pleasure from it in its original form, granted was really only because of my deep, shameful, and unwavering love of the film in which the song was borne.

How can you even look yourself in the mirror, American Idol? You’ve never been good but damn, just when I think you’ve truly hit rock bottom, you manage to find (old) ways to hit new lows.

Spread the word. Do it.

In any case, Elise is doing the talk show rounds. And forced to pose for photos with some vaguely familiar degenerate. Come on, Idol! What the hell did Elise do to you? Here’s hoping there was penicillin-infused lavender hand sanitizer in that green room.

Spread the word. Do it.

Tonight Kris Allen performs his latest single A Vision Of Love, which is not a Mariah Carey cover. It seems Nigel Lythgoe and company also decided to be charitable and HOLY HELL THERE IS TAYLOR HICKS. Somewhere in the back of a paint store, Lee DeWyze patiently waits patiently for his invite.

Last night, 53 million votes were cast. While I did not catch the show because I was busy doing some DIY costume for a party this weekend — I don’t usually do this sort of thing — a realization occurred to me. Why is Hollie Cavanaugh always safe? Bingo. She lives in Texas.

Everyone sings Dancing In The Streets. More and more, I just love this Skylar Laine. As much as I like the fact Jessica Sanchez was totally muffled during her solo. The buckets are nice. Guys who play the buckets are the only ones I ever give money to when I’m walking down the street.

Poor Skylar Laine ALWAYS has to have that Colton Dixon grinding up on her all snake-like as per the producers whims. They also tried to smother The Parent Trap Girl with balloons but she survived. Sanchez is pissed! Sanchez has already bitched her parents out for not moving to some small town in Texas.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO TIME
This has something to do with tripping acid at The Joshua Tree and seeing yourself as an astrological sign. Poor Joshua Ledet looked up and discovered he was SANJAYA. Oh the humanity!

Seacrest asks Hollie something and she starts talking American but then trails off into some sort of semi-Britness. But nice romper! Oh how I love rompers. Tina Fey, if you ever read this blog, btw, please have Joshua Ledet on an episode of 30 Rock where he’s a Tracy Jordan doppelganger. Ok thanks. Anyway, Seacrest calls the both of them up first because they’re BFF and he likes torturing people. Now I’m pretty glad I did not hear Hollie’s Son Of A Preacher Man because it did nothing for me. That’s just not a nice girl song.

Jimmy Iovine is pimping the DRE BEATZ for no explicable reason. Jimmy prefers Joshua to Hollie. I hope he backs this up when Joshua gets booted and gets the guy a record album. But it won’t be this week because shockingly, Joshua is NOT in the Bottom 3. But Hollie is! Texas! You need to keep voting! Hollie has tough-looking family members who will kick your ass. They are not pleased.

Is anyone else bothered by these “Bad Idea” Verizon ads because they completely ripped off the “Bad Idea Jeans” commercial from 1980s SNL?

Before Kris Allen takes the stage, Ryan Seacrest talks to Taylor Hicks. Hicks is tanner than Seacrest. He announces he will be in Vegas this summer. Seacrest mutters something about that’s where Tay Tay belongs. All of it is a bit awkward.

Oh Kris Allen…please don’t get dizzy. They’re spinning you and your piano around pretty fast and I’m worried you might throw up. I also want to smack the person in charge of social media as they are completely incapable of creating a proper hashtag.

Kris Allen is one of my all-time favorite contestants. Kid is a true musician. So please oh please oh please can’t his label start letting him make music that isn’t like, The Fray Revisited? I just can’t get excited over A Vision Of Love even though I like his falsetto. If you see this guy and his band play live, they have a good amount of actual BITE. They can jam. They can have fun. American Idol has always had such a problem with Kris Allen being out and proud with his fun self, ya know? Even three years later, they’re trying their damnest to make him the earnest one. They’re even trying to spin him to the point of dizzy exhaustion before he gets off his rotating stage.

Colton Dixon is faux-brooding during Allen’s performance which is bizarre but understandable since Dixon only wants you to liken him to Daughtry and David Cook. He’s some sort of uh, purist…

Now up to Skylar Laine and Elise Testone. This is gonna be easy, ya know? Skylar has built up too much momentum + she’s got a strong country base. I don’t want to see either of these two girls go home. I don’t recall seeing another female contestant on this show come in with such a commanding FUN stage presence as Skylar Laine. Carrie Underwood sang like a damned stroke victim every week. Elise is screwed because JLo said GOOSIES. Sort of feel like the Alicia Keys song was also pandering. Alicia Keys is just soooo, soooooo, sooooo packaged to be karaoke-d on the American Idol stage.

Jimmy thinks Elise is going to be “spending some time in her vacation home in the bottom 3.” He also said something about Let’s Get It On triggering a baby boom but uh, I thought that was about 20 years beforehand. Elise is just about out of here, which is a shame because she’s got a fantastic voice. Skylar needs to just keep building this momentum because she CAN make the Top 3. And when she’s still standing there and Jessica Sanchez is sent home, I will clap in the privacy of my own living room. Jimmy Iovine says she’s the best performer on the show — who doesn’t wholeheartedly concur?

Seacrest sends Elise to the Bottom 3 which pretty much means she’s going home…The entire send off to the uncomfortable stools was just so damn ominous. Will she? Won’t she? It’s time for LMFAO!

Since LMFAO is just the sons of Motown who decided to make a parody act + last night’s soul theme, I suppose it is apt for a Dick Clark tribute from Ryan Seacrest at this point in the show. He’s already writing his tribute piece for EW’s end of the year issue, no doubt. And Seacrest, really? Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve is the Dick Clark-ness closest to our hearts? Question: Has anyone ever enjoyed Rockin’ Eve outside of a childhood nostalgia context?

I don’t buy the faux-sniffle-tear move, JLo, not one bit. Now can someone tell me if LMFAO sings anything other than Party Rocking? But they might be doing it acoustic or something because it sounds completely different without the autotune. Like are all their songs called Party Rocking? That’s a pretty funny joke if its true. They should do that! They’re just parodying the Black Eyed Peas, right? In that case, they really DO deserve a BETTER HASHTAG. Although they did capitalize Idol this time around — sorry Kris Allen, as you do have a handful of butt-hurt fans who will internalize this, and you still have those passive-aggressive Glamberts still following your each & every move and they’ll point this out all passive-aggressively in the comments section at MJs or in the headache-inducing (Who does UX for Sony? Call them for me, too.) AdamOfficial.com. (In reality, someone just made a typo when they did the chryon. Don’t hurt them! Don’t send them black eyeliner and For Your Entertainment, either. )

Does American Idol even realize that you DO NOT HAVE TO HASHTAG EVERY INSTANCE OF THE SHOW? Perhaps this is an “easy way” to measure what people are talking about but you’re not going to get clear metrics because most Twitter users will completely disregard this hashtag. You’re forcing people to just load up 140 characters with annoying hashtags rather than simply using a tool to discern sentiment of your existing tweets mentioning the show. With all the money this show makes, purchasing software that pulls this information should be exceedingly simple. Aren’t you more curious to see what people are saying about your show outside of the hashtag — also considering some of these hashtags literally have a lifespan of about 20 minutes total. Keep your #telljimmy. That works. That’s weekly. Not a huge fan but at least you are consistent and sometimes I do use it. If you’re going to introduce an a secondary hashtag, that one is solid.

Seriously. You are American Idol. You might suck but you are still somewhat of a slick money-making machine with millions of viewers every week. You should have an effective social media strategy in play. Creating numerous hashtags for a single show should not be part of said strategy.

LMFAO is either a Black Eyed Peas tribute band or an actual parody act. Still not sure.

It is now down to Colton, Phil Phillips, and Jessica Sanchez. Regardless of how few people voted for her, Clove won’t be in the Bottom 3 after last week’s overwrought [see: staged] save. With the exception of Sexy Sax Girl on P2′s In the Midnight Hour, the whole thing kind of sucked, especially this misuse of classic neon signage in the background. Colton Dixon should just be sent home immediately for turning Bad Romance into a Daughtry B-Side and turning Earth, Wind & Fire into a David Cook number. All of his performances sound alike just as Phil’s do, just admit it.

Naturally, Jessica Sanchez did Alicia Keys’ Fallin‘ and she wore her hair wavy in a pathetic attempt to appear more relatable. Jimmy says he just now realized Clove is singing songs too old her for — really? Really? YOU JUST NOW CAUGHT THAT? After she sang a beyond tired Alicia Keys song about loving a man in prison? (Didn’t an 8-year-old David Archuleta also sing this song on Star Search?) Just now? Not after Whitney Houston’s ode to letting a lover go? Not after…all of Jessica Sanchez’s performance?

Jessica Sanchez has likely never sang an “age-appropriate” song because no one does that for pageants. Of course Jessica is safe. As is…Phil Phillips!! Colton Dixon, you are in the BOTTOM 3!!! Jesus does not like you as much as you thought, buddy! Because Jesus doesn’t like Daughtry music.

Maybe there IS a Flying Spaghetti Monster because Elise is NOT IN THE BOTTOM 2! Colton could go home! Colton could go home! A week ago, people were proclaiming him the winner and that P2 lost steam. Hahahahahahahahaha. Not happening, but as Idol will do anything to proclaim a female the winner, I buy anything they allege counted by Price-Waterhouse to be an absolute sham. Colton has been too damn cocky and he winks at the audience. People get freaked out when a rooster winks at them without a context. Perhaps people get tired of the cocky eye-f**king ones around this time.

Colton’s poor sister Schyler is in the audience crying, when she should be jumping for joy after all the times this show shit on her. Colton looks shocked and pissed. He apologizes for “not being himself last night.” Oh come on. You were too cocky. And you called your fans #messengers. I am not sorry you um, are leaving in SEVENTH PLACE.

Skylar Laine is flat-out thrilled right now because she doesn’t have to worry about you dry humping her leg until the last show of the season. Poor Hollie is sobbing because she has no idea how the hell she’s still there. All the while Colton Dixon leaves us on his knees, pleading with America to make him the next…Daughtry.

Spread the word. Do it.

On American Idol, bad things come in twos.

As it seems to have always been “leaked” this season, a photo is posted via Twitter of the band’s set list with no contestant names attached. TWO Lady Gaga songs. TWO Alicia Keys song. (Oh, Alicia Keys. Like Boardwalk Empire and Peter Weir, you are just one of those things that’s good in theory and not in practice.) Also TWO Marvin Gaye songs into the “Then” category for good measure.

Now

No One by Alicia Keys
I Believe by Fantasia
Rolling In The Deep by Adele
U Got It Bad by Usher
Born This Way by Lady Gaga
Fallin’ by Alicia Keys
Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

Then

In The Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett
A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke
September by Earth, Wind & Fire
Son Of A Preacher Man by Dusty Springfield
Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
Heard It Through The Grapevine by Marvin Gaye
Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye

So let’s play what contestant will sing what:

Joshua Ledet
Safe bet Joshua is doing Fantasia’s I Believe, especially after last week’s birthday shout out. He’s gonna try to capitalize on his “Mantasia” reputation as much as he can during these remaining weeks in the competition. Joshua is an incredibly powerful vocalist and has proven he can own songs-that-aren’t-ballads with last week’s rendition of Bruno Mars’ Runaway Baby. But let’s face facts — Joshua will at best finish in 4th place, likely 5th. There is no African-American vote on American Idol – we all know what middle-aged women and these mythical “teen voters” go for, and its not a soulful, pulled-from-the-choir black man. (Or he’s the one doing Usher, since you know, he’s the “black guy.)

As much as I wish Joshua would sing Dusty Springfield’s Son of a Preacher Man, its a safe bet he will be taking on Earth, Wind, & Fire’s September. But let’s face it, Joshua would be close to perfect on ANY of these tunes.

Jessica Sanchez
This season’s resident mean teen girl almost went home in last week’s “shock elimination” (spare me) which culminated in the judges displaying poor acting skills as they plead with America to vote for the souless, robotic teenager who knows nothing about “hard work.” Even though she doesn’t connect with any viewers with a modicum of taste, Jessica isn’t going to start working hard now, at least when it comes to showing another side of herself because there just isn’t one. So look to Clove to bust out one of the worst, most overplayed & overwrought songs of our time, Alicia Keys’ Fallin’.

If the 16-year-old even attempts Dusty Springfield’s ode to banging a preacher’s son, the judges will likely not call her out for doing material she can’t possibly connect with. This is a bit of a conundrum but Jessica may likely be doing I Heard It Through The Grapevine a la Gladys Knight and The Pips.

Colton Dixon
This one should be somewhat easy. Colton plays piano and likes to screw with the tempo to “make things his own.” He’s also not going to do anything too risque given he LOVES JESUS. Alicia Keys’ No One seems like the safest bet.

Same goes with Colton’s “Then” choice — we can definitely rule out Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On, since Colton LOVES JESUS. Which also means he won’t be doing Dusty Springfield. Maybe Otis Redding or Sam Cooke’s A Change Is Gonna Come? (The latter of which should never be touched by a talented female in her mid to late-20s who is in danger of leaving because middle-aged women do not like her — remember that awesome Lilly something or another? Glamberts still think Adam Lambert owns this song.)

Phil Phillips
Speaking of doing the same thing week in and week out, Phil does risk finishing second to Colton Dixon in what is really just a WGWG Battle Royale if he doesn’t do SOMETHING different. If I were P2, I would be the one doing Adele’s Rolling In The Deep. You’ve already heard this song way too many times by way too many people. It’s still a great song, but…Rather than one of the obvious girls doing it.

For “Then,” you can pretty much picture Phil doing Wilson Pickett’s In The Midnight Hour, but…I’m gonna go with Let’s Get It On. This should keep Philsy safe for a few more weeks, and its a smart move considering his obvious fan base.

Skylar Laine
Oh my Skylar, I love you so. So I would REALLY love to see you put a little honky tonk into Lady Gaga, doesn’t matter which one, but…Bad Romance is my favorite.

Now this one could do Dusty Springfield. Can she? Pretty please? Only her or Elise should be allowed to touch that bad boy.

Hollie Cavanaugh
I have no idea about this one because I keep forgetting she is on the show. But maybe she should sing Born This Way as an ode to her WTF Lubbock via Liverpool accent? But listen sweetie, do not slow it down all a capella like because that SOOOOO did not work when you attempted Pink.

Even more stumped for “Then.” Try A Little Tenderness? Heard It Through The Grapevine? I GOT NOTHING.

Elise Testone
Oh Elise, you and Skylar are the last 2 girls I actually like, but I fear neither of you are not long for this world. Also wondering about the chances of you doing Lady Gaga after singing Lady Gaga last week. And you did do Adele earlier in the season…so will you attempt some god awful Alicia Keys?

Please do Dusty Springfield. Please own this bad boy a la Season 5′s Nadia Turner. (Every season, I have to make a mention of Nadia Turner because to this day, she remains one of my all-time favorite contestants.)

Gotta run. Catch ya later. How long do you think you will be able to sit through this nonsense tonight?

Spread the word. Do it.

So who will it be? Smug Messiah Colton Dixon? Did his #messengers not vote hard enough? Or were enough people turned off by the fact they’re calling / hashtagging his fans as the MESSENGERS that they said screw this self-righteous puppy! Is he a douche? We suspect he’s a douche, but perhaps he’s just misunderstood…Is the same true for…nah, doubt it. Perhaps the country has soured on evil robot teen Jessica Sanchez, the “vocal powerhouse” who is fairing worse than anyone during these arduous 2-hour episodes — the more Miss Sanchez is shown off the stage, the more obvious it is that she’s a self-entitled mean girl who’s never once been told she’s probably not all that great. (It’s a little surprising we haven’t see more of Mrs. Sanchez throughout her daughter’s journey but Idol likely wised up after Lauren Alaina’s vicariously-living BFF mom probably didn’t receive much favorable press with all that screen time she was clearly angling for from the get-go.)

As much as I would like to see either one of those two go home tonight, even over the sad ‘n’ bland blond girl who’s not sure if she’s from Lubbock or London, I DON’T think I want to see them in the bottom 3 because neither Jessica nor Colton, this season’s most self-assured arrogant contestants will likely not feel threatened if they land on the chopping block. Will one of them — or both — discover that they’re not immune to utter dislike and disdain?

And face it, if it actually *is* a shocking elimination, then it would be anyone but Hollie.

Tonight’s arduous episode (An hour IS horribly long for results shows. Idol likes to be twice as long as it needs to be.) begins all happy, because maybe killing someone off is HAPPY. Last night, Idol wanted to make going home akin to death but tonight let’s watch people get makeup put on them! Because before they die, they get to have a great tiny life where people apply their makeup. TONIIGEYEIGHTEIYGHT WE ARE YOUNG.

Super glad Elise didn’t get the fiery stage last night, as that black bunny tail would have gone up in flames. And speaking of Elise, to those of you bitching that she sang the Gaga song “given” to Haley Reinhart last year, THINK ABOUT IT. American Idol has already been authorized to do that song — do you really think the contestants get to sing every song they want to sing? Hell no. That was a Gaga song that could already be performed on Idol, and given what this show has to offer, Reinhart and Testone are similar contestants. Everyone fits into a bucket.

The Top 7 perform Pink’s Raise Your Glass which will be super funny as we’ve already seen what happens when Hollie Britcheeks tries to sing Pink. HOLY HELL. What the hell was Colton Dixon doing in that opener? Hacking a loogie? And since the choreographer wanted to be funny, she pairs Jessica Sanchez Clove with Elise and shockingly, Clove does not knock her off the stage. And then that Phil Phillips, well, he doesn’t give a fuck. And he doesn’t want to play into some bullshit, producer-masterminded rivalry with Cockhead Dixon so he invites him to lay for a spell on his…lap. Why so seriousssss? Come on, baby, let me rub my fingers through your rooster ‘do…

I sort of need to get a video of this because it’s just all sorts of awful. The best thing about it is that Hollie Britcakes is wearing a really cute romper. FINALLY! Dressed appropriately. And you know how I love rompers — It’s almost romper season!! Although I really do try to find some redeeming quality since I typically feel guilty when my least favorite “character” is a teenager, I can’t. I can’t do it this season. I hate Clove more and more the more we see of her. The charade is up. The more you see of this kid, the less personable she becomes. I do not even know how to describe to expressions Colton makes, or his attempts at doing the snake. And in the end, it’s really just an Elise song with everyone else backing her, likely because she’s really the only female contestant who could actually do a passable rendition of anything Pink.

RAISE YOUR GLASS. And never forget to give a shout out to your sponsors. (Also true in Alcoholics Anonymous.)

Colton Dixon gets a box holding 10 questions from Katie in Wichita, KS telling him why he should be her prom date. Chances are, Katie’s 45-year-old mother paid Katie $20 to put some markers on some paper and told her she could stay out until 1am this Saturday night if she obliged her in her goal to get her Cockshair Dicks On. Some kid in Mississippi wants to take Hollie Scones to his spring formal. Elise has a friend who makes the feather earrings she wears in her hair so she’s gonna tell everyone to hit up her Etsy, er, she also wants Steven Tyler to wear the feathers. At first he seems confused. Like confused Native-American man in Dances With Wolves.

JLo is totally jealous. But JLo, you wouldn’t wear FEATHERS unless they were plucked from the bleeding asses of diamond-encrusted doves. Silly Lopez. You wouldn’t wear anything on a fishing lure handcrafted in Charleston, South Carolina.

Hollie vs. Jessica
Suspect Clove is faking her timid walk to the front of the stage while Hollie wonders why the hell she wore a lampshade and waded through fog last night. #TELLJIMMY #TELLJIMMY Jimmy, if Hollie sounds contrived, so does Clove. Contrived has many sounds.

I’ve been working hard all my life. [Smile. Turn. Smile. Turn. Command complete.]

HOW DOES THIS GIRL HAVE FANS? For all the Smug Teen Witches of seasons past, I’ve never seen anything quite like Jessica Sanchez. She’s the most terrible of them all. Working hard all my life?! YOU ARE 16. YOU HAVE BEEN HOMESCHOOLED AND YOUR FAVORITE ACTIVITY IS SHOPPING.

Ahhhh. The Top 7 episode. How did I forget? The one where they make the 7th person CHOOSE which side of the stage they belong on. So cruel, so cruel. As cruel as another Men In Black movie. (Really? Does Will Smith need more money to do his kids’ hair and conquer thetans? Really?)

I don’t necessarily think 19 E and Idol cares about furthering the careers of their departed contestants, but it seems they’re half-heartedly responding to criticism that they DO NOT do this by securing some also-rans from last season recording contracts AND performance slots on the show. But trite Matrix-ish graphics aside, James Durbin may be the most I’ve seen a former contestant actually rock on Idol. Pitchy? Sure. Who cares. But there’s something shockingly pleasant sounding about this near-metal Higher Than Heaven? And anything that makes Colt45 Dicks On seethe with hair envy is fine by me…James Durbin, you were not half bad. Not even close. Nice job, dude, nice job.

Phil vs. Elise (Is he going by Phil or Philip??)
Oooh, Jimmy.

What you end up with is Dave Matthews singing a Maroon 5 song, so I think he will be in the Bottom 3 tonight.

Jimmy thinks Elise AND Phil will be in the Bottom 3.  I’m not denying that this dude makes everything sound like he’s under the table and dreaming but damn dude, Elise and Phil? Bottom 3? Phil goes to Hollie. Elise smiles a huge grin of relief when sent over to Clove’s side. Here’s thinking Elise can protect herself if Clove busts out that shank.

You know what’s also super fun? Watching La Lopez dripping with jealously when Seacrest introduces Jennifer Hudson with the words Oscar and Grammy. Heh heh. The only way Jennifer Lopez will ever be introduced with those words will be if someone comes up to her table at the Ivy and says, “OMG JLO! I am such a fan! Jenny from the Block! Will you please sign this napkin and make it out to my Uncle Oscar and my Grammy, they just love you and thought you and Ben made such a great couple.” Jesus Christ, Boomie, you’re the incredible shrinking Boomie. Don’t go too crazy with those Weight Watchers Points, but damn, you look amazing. THOSE LEGS. Losing this show may have been the best thing to ever happen to you and yeah, its safe to say the worst part of your life is over.

Colton vs. Joshua
So you’re gonna make Skylar choose? And for all the criticism P2 gets for doing the same damn thing, why doesn’t anyone bring up how Colton makes everything sound like a Creed ballad. (Also: Who the hell is Skylar Grey?? I know she’s not Sasha Grey. I THOUGHT THAT WAS AN EMINIEM/RHIANNA SONG. IT IS. AM CONFUSED.)

Anyone else get the feeling Joshua hates Colton? Nerves or sheer hatred? Maybe a bit of both? Naturally, Josh goes to the Clove and Elise corner. The cold ass hug between he and Clove speaks volumes. What was that? What was even the point? [NO ONE LIKES ROBOT BITCH.]

SKYLAR. Why has no one made a gonna go see about a girl reference at all this season? If they really wanted people to believe this spunky ball of sass ‘n’ grits would touch Colton, they would clue him in on this. Anyway, instead of making Skylar choose, Seacrest sends her to safety NOOOOO. They still want her to PICK THE GROUP SHE BELONGS WITH. Smartly going to the benches and fighting off Seacrest’s grasp, he drags her to the COLTON-PHIL-HOLLIE group. They are all SAFE.

ZOMG!!! The big plan to send Hollie home has blown up in the judges’ faces!

They practiced their bestest Dramatic Prairie Dog faces in the mirrors all during makeup…

But you know, how did you not see this coming? Elise is in her late 20s with a bit of fuck you edge and Joshua is a MAN OF COLOR. He’s insanely talented. INSANELY TALENTED. But hey, sexually-frustrated middle-aged white women don’t vote for the black guy. Jessica is also a Filipino which despite their huge fan base, only gets you so far. She’s also an EVIL SINGING ROBOT, which also only gets you so far.

Judges outraged. AMERICA YOU GOT IT WRONG. La Lopez Lip trembling. Confused Native American man says they will invoke the save regardless. So who has to sing for something they already know is gonna happen? Is this supposed to be suspenseful? Did Auntie Steven just blow your cover or…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Clove. People are starting to see your true colors. LOVES IT. LOVES IT.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Joshua is SAFE! Joshua is not in the Bottom 2. Joshua’s Dad nods in extreme pleasure.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The person in danger of leaving us tonight is…JESSICA SANCHEZ. Elise, you are safe!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Of course this robotic bitch is gonna be saved but I’m gonna laugh my ass off right now because you know what, this is AWESOME. Maybe it will incite her ardent devotees to vote until their fingers bleed next week but who the hell cares? Robot Bitch got schooled. People don’t like you. You’re not as good as you think you are.

But she doesn’t care, ya know? Because Steven basically said they would save whomever got the boot so frankly, no suspense here — and even if he hadn’t, they way everyone salivates over this kid. She warbles about two shaky lyrics out before the judges storm the stage and JLo uses it to grab some of the spotlight and then Randy pleads with everyone to vote for this brat because she’s ONE OF THE BEST SINGERS IN AMERICA. Really, Randy? Really?? The Jerky Boys could come on and ask to speak to Frank Rizzo right now and you would buy their act before this dog & Randy show. The other contestants look on, exchanging exasperated looks and clapping unenthusiastically. Randy is a big tool and made them all feel like chopped liver. And obviously, they’re also wondering what the hell they signed up for going on this shit show and: Yup. At least one, probably two, more weeks with Clove in the mansion. Better sleep with one eye open.

Oh STFU. And STFU about working hard your whole life, Clove. #thesave (ANOTHER GODDAMNED HASHTAG) I know you’ve been prepping for nothing else besides singing pageants and you’re homeschooled so you can sit around and do nothing but shop and sing and tell people you’ve worked hard your whole life. You’re really not doing yourself any favors, sweetheart. Especially since the judges can only save you one time AND the record deal you’re gonna get? You’re not gonna sell any. When you turn 18, you can go be roommates with Pia Toscano and travel together to Branson for holiday shows. You haven’t been working hard ENOUGH because you haven’t figured out how to be relatable or sympathetic. Next to you, JLo oozes genuine warmth. Was this all a big orchestrated setup to try to ensure our nation’s most vocally-adept aloof teenage girl wins the title? Who knows. Who cares. Who even still watches this show if they’re not blogging or reading blogs about it?

Clove didn’t even have to release the tracker jackers from JLo’s cooch tonight. Alas. There’s always next week…

What do you think? “America” votes like America votes. And the WGWGs will always be the last ones standing. Like P2 sang in his audition, there ain’t no second chance against the white guy with guitar, girl.

Spread the word. Do it.

How do you find the strength?

Oh please.

To carry on

Free clothes.

When your friends leave

Assuming everyone likes each other again…

One by one?

At least Jessica Sanchez Clove hasn’t killed anyone…yet

Have you noticed they’re STICKING THEM IN ELEVATORS now?

Remember the people…

Hometown shots

You’re singing for. 

Can I just turn this shit off now? Jennifer Lopez is preening in her Evil Queen costume–begging for the role in a 3rd Snow White adaptation, Colton Dixon looks smug [and Jesus hates smug], and then the Small Wonder Model 5.0 Jessica Sanchez is dressed like Diahann Carroll during her season on Dynasty. DOMINIQUE DEVAREAUX IS NOT PLEASED. We’re subjected to what happens when creepy uncle Tommy Hilfiger just happens to be in the neighborhood so he drops by to tell all the Idols how GREAT they looked last week–BUT they have to be aware of what they’re wearing OFF STAGE. (Even your most crowd-pleasing drag queen would tell these people TOO MANY SEQUINS.) All of this because we have TWO FRAKING HOURS OF PRIMETIME TELEVISION to kill.

American Idol, you’re not killing off contestants. Just primetime television.

That Seacrest Dude announces everyone is singing songs from 2010 through today, because you know, this is really just a really important era in music history. When the pop historians of a century from now look back, they’re gonna say these 2 years defined a generation. Because of this, Akon is Jimmy Iovine’s partner-in-crime tonight. SHOUT OUT ST. LOUIS ST. LUNATICS!!!

ZOMG NOW THE CONTESTANTS FANS HAVE HASHTAGS!

#SKOUTLAWS Skylar Laine
Didn’t Know How Much I Loved You
Did these kids have a say in this shit? We’re taken back to whatever small southern town Skylar hails from where her pepaw promises that when she gets home, they’re gonna kill a really big deer.  Anyway, I love Skylar Laine AND SHE PLAYS GUITAR. She sounds great and its a great song for her voice. She’s pretty much the country singer I’ve always wanted on this show. She doesn’t play the bimbo bumpkin card. She just IS. And I love it when she bounces around on stage. She’s not bouncing around tonight, but she does get fire and some HUNGER GAMES backdrop because this show is RELENTLESS.

All of my happiness is gone once Randy Jackson busts out wheelhouse. Just because that’s sort of what happens whenever Randy says wheelhouse. And then I get REALLY sad when I look up what song she sang and its some Kellie Pickler — perhaps my least-favorite female Idol contestant of all time — ditty. Whatevs. Skylar probably did it totes better than Pickler. Steven Tyler mumbles out something about the crows crowing but its the hens who deliver the goods. Making him do the barely-legal rhyming lust thing is his role on panel, in case you didn’t figure it out yet.

#MESSENGERS Colton Dixon
Love The Way You Lie 
Let’s stop right here. #MESSENGERS??! #MESSENGERS??! Who does this cock-headed cocky-ass prince of schlock who wouldn’t even be permitted to lick Nickelback and Creed’s shoes think he is? (Ok. Maybe he would.) THE GODDAMNED MESSIAH? Oh yeah. Probably. Just because your name is on the marquee at a Wendy’s in Murfreesboro, TN doesn’t mean shit, kiddo. And just because some frau made their toddler grandson spike his hair up for the camera doesn’t mean shit. Colton says that one week, it’s gonna come down to Philip and him and one of them will have to go home — which essentially means you know this cocky prick assumes he’s going to the finale.

I thought he was gonna be singing the Rhianna-Eminem song. And he is, I just do not remember the part about angels. Does he know what this song is about? Usually, I’m all for “making a song your own” but this turns what is arguably one of Rhianna’s stronger singles as of late into a garbage FAITH + 1 remake even if you omit the fog machines and small orchestra from your field of vision. And when the Cock Messiah emerges from the piano, he wears a look of smugness pleading with the judges and the audience to just give him the title and the keys to his Ford.

DUET: Elise Testone & Phil Phillips — Someone That I Used To Know
This name-making Goyte track is awesome, sadly, it was also just sung on Glee last night.  Elise endears himself to me because she’s been in bad relationships and well, most girls on the show as of late probably haven’t been in any relationship that lasted longer than the space between Homecoming and Prom. Oh yeah, she also has the best voice.

Truth be told, both Phil and Elise start off pretty damn rough and I’m distracted by Elise’s sequined mini paired with the fringed-anklet stilettos. That combo makes anyone under 5’9″ look squat. Things get a little better once they move away from their respective mic stands and well frankly, besides Skylar Laine and perhaps Joshua Ledet, these two are the only relatively marketable contestants in the competition.

The judges are judging the duets now with extensive “critique” but its more or less to talk out of their asses.

#BLUJAYS Jessica Sanchez
Stuttering
I have no idea who Jazmine Sullivan is, but if Jessica Sanchez Clove is singing it, you can already imagine what its gonna sound be — an emotionless power ballad. At what point in the music industry did people decide vocals without feeling are A-OK as long as you get the big notes, just because people will probably be dumb enough to assume big notes = authenticity.

People back in Chula Vista chant BeBeChez and Clove plays up her Pinoy-ness to guarantee votes. Even Jimmy Iovine doesn’t know this Stuttering song. Akon thinks Clove can be a big star after you feed her a few hamburgers. As much as Jessica tries to be a demure teenager, when she opens her mouth about how confident she feels about the song, the gig is up. This kid is a vicious, cold-blooded socio-sing-o-path.

Clove sits atop a white piano and ably sings some throwaway R&B number that sounds like every other throwaway R&B number. The most notable part of the teenage robot’s performance is that at one point, she literally does the robot. OH! And that she almost falls off the piano when she goes to sit down at the end. She too emerges with a shit-eating grin, eagerly waiting to lap up all the judges’ praise aka Randy dropping names and “knowledge” and refer to her as a fish slayer. Jennifer Lopez actually holy shit, is completely spot on with everything she says and I can’t believe I’m seeing it, except for the part about wanting to have her take us on a ride and watch it, and oh, not being more blunt about the fact that well, homegirl is an evil singing robot. (And should 16-year-old girls really be wearing those shoes? Perhaps its the Cache top combo that’s completely ruining it for me. Oh yeah. And that Jessica is an evil singing robot, that too.)

From Fantasia to Mantasia, happy birthday!

FANTASIA! Happy birthday, Joshua! Now can we quit it with these Situation Room maps when “going back” to the contestants’ hometowns?

#JJEWELS Joshua Ledet
Runaway Baby
Joshua busting out a Bruno Mars song. Joshua busting out a NON-BALLAD. Oh let’s do this thing. Joshua has, as Randy would say, MAD VOCALS. So let’s see him do something different and as you expected, it works. If Joshua doesn’t have a solid career as a working musician once this show is over, then all is right in the world. Like most contestants, he may not ever be a household name but this kid, well, this kid needs to be doing something. Because he does it well.

Also: Joshua’s father is a preacher. A preacher named Nathaniel. Seeing him makes me smile. And I guess he’s okay with the go-go dancer or something.

DUET: Colton Dixon & Skylar Laine — Don’t You Wanna Stay
American Idol desperately wants people to talk about something and since Phil’s kidney stones aren’t newsworthy anymore so they’ve tried to manufacture a Colton-Skylar romance. Skylar is way too good for that and Colton jokes he wouldn’t date her because she owns a gun.

They’re no Blake Shelton or Kelly Clarkson but I would probably clap really loudly for them if I was in a bar and they were doing this karaoke and hell, I just love Skylar as much as I detest Colton for his Christ-flavored smugness. Steven Tyler says they just made love singing to each other. Skylar looks horrified. Randy is the only one who approaches any sort of honesty but throwing out a patented it was just ok for me. And then they rag on Skylar and call her pitchy and tell her she’s no Kelly Clarkson.

Hollie Cavanaugh doing PINK??? Ok. This may be worth watching just for the utter ridiculousness.

#HOLLIEPOPS Hollie Cavanaugh
Perfect
Hollie is now British again and some crazy baker lady made Hollie Pops which are chocolate stars that look yummy and Hollie descends further into a British accent and I am utterly confused. Her parents are British. She has family in England. And her accent just comes and goes kind of like Colin Farrell in his early films. I sort of prefer uber-British Hollie more than regular old boring Hollie. And then I see her up on stage with some WGWG looking all Carrie Underwood-like and I’m kind of like oh Hollie, you’re still probably boring.

If Hollie was gonna sing Pink, it would have to be slowed down and with an acoustic guitar. But damn, did she really deserve the giganormous spinning gold roses in the background?  Sadly, Hollie basically borings up/down a serviceable Pink song and makes it more Xtina Beautiful (Please don’t shoot me but I hate that song) and now I just want to go to sleep even if Hollie busted out an obvious glory note in the end.

Jesus. Even JLo decides its time to play the much-missed Paula Abdul by opening with Hollie, you look beautiful tonight. Ouch. And then she tells her that she knows she’s fighting and well, she’s rooting for her. Steven tells her she doesn’t have to be perfect but it fell flat and well, she looks beautiful. Silence. Randy tells her it was a huge improvement over last week but she was still missing some feeling. Even Ryan reassures her she was better than last week. (Was she that bad last week? Or was she just standard Hollie bland? Missed it.)

Damn, The Parent Trap Twin From Britain who showed up at camp tonight, even I feel kind of bad for you. They played the Paula card.

#PHILATICS Phil Phillips 
Give A Little More 
Going back to Georgia means we can go back to the pawn shop while the theme to Sanford & Son plays. People (i.e., batshit crazy frauen) keep trying to Phil’s guitars and pickup truck. Phil is doing a Maroon 5 song, which will be the second song from a judge from The Voice tonight. Jimmy keeps pitching a Phil vs. Colton battle because they’re similar the two white dudes. Phil2 makes this a a Phil2 song and OMG SEXY SAX GIRL IS BACK!!! Remember Sexy Sax Girl from last season? Why isn’t Sexy Sax Girl a household name yet? She can make anyone who remember the name Candy Dulfer forget the name Candy Dulfer. Holy Hell. I can’t believe I pulled Candy Dulfer’s name from my asshole.

Steven says they’ve watched him evolve which I think is funny, hell, he says evolve twice. Phil will win this damn thing but evolve? How has he evolved? Phil still took a song and made it into a Dave Matthews Song. And how the fuck does JLo think he could be the lovechild of Steve McQueen and Johnny Cash? JLo actually says some useful stuff but does it in a JLo way so I still want to slap her but yeah, Phil2, come on dude. Pony the f**k up. Messiah of Smug Colton is gaining on you and there are actually people who want Evil Singing Robot Sanchez to win “because we need a girl winner.” Come on. No one should care about the show that much at this point. And American Idol will have its 1000th WGWG winner! DEAL WITH IT.

But yeah, P2, step up your game dude. Can’t have that smug-tastes-like-Jesus WGWP win the whole shebang.

DUET: Hollie Cavanaugh, Joshua Ledet, and Jessica Sanchez — Stronger
Hollie and Joshua are best friends and it is cute and Jessica is the self-described “third wheel.” Instead of being cute, this just comes makes Jessica come off as even more of a bitch. Once again evoking the Goddess Kelly Clarkson, this is pretty much a chance for the big belters to belt out big notes. Fashion-wise, Joshua looks fab and Hollie looks better than usual in something youthful and age appropriate. Evil Singing Third Wheel Robot is wearing something designed for a botox-ed cougar who does a lot of pilates. It also seems as if she’s intentionally throwing off the harmony in some evil sneaky singing robot way, but perhaps I’m just grasping for a conspiracy but Clove is definitely attempting to steal the show, forcing Joshua to overcompensate by singing louder and harder. He’s just defending his BFF from evil singing robot!

(Did Hollie make a joke about doing crack? If she did, then she gets the first ever La Princessa del Mariachi I’m Don’t Cut Myself Award for AWESOMENESS.)

#THEELITES Elise Testone
You And I
Jason Segal has never seen American Idol this season but Ryan Seacrest got him to awkwardly lie via video and tell Elise he’s a big fan, which is kind of nice, I think. Elise kind of rolls with the terrible awkwardness of it all. Back at home, Elise has hipster Charleston friends who make hipster videos about how one should vote for her! And a local bar names drinks after her. And Elise wants to play the drums, even if Jimmy Iovine and Akon tell her NO WAY CHICA.

So Elise won’t be playing drums on her Gaga redeux, but the piano. (I missed her bad performance last week) Elise has done better and there are several times tonight where she’s come off partially defeated, partially begging to get her off this shit show. But Elise finds her way, bobbing and weaving, she finds her voice and finds her way. She even finds her smile. Singing in the coveted last spot — the last time I recall a contestant getting booted singing last was Siobhan Magnus — perhaps she has little to worry about.

And Randy throws out a ELISE WELCOME BACK. So you know, and JLo gives a very false I love her and then throws out some relevant stuff and pretty much admits the reason Elise closes or opens the show more often than anyone else is because she’s that good. IDOL YOU LIED TO ME YOU TOLD ME THEY DREW FOR THIS TO SOME EXTENT. Nah, I don’t think you did but you tried to do that a few times, don’t even play.

Sweet. This is finally over. And in the final performance recaps…wow, giving P2 crap about making every song sound like Dave Matthews feels all sorts of wrong when Colton Dixon makes everything sound like a Daughtry song. Yikes. Now that’s the beginning of a game of Kill-Marry-Screw, ain’t it?

See you tomorrow, the night we bid farewell to Hollie Cavanaugh, aka The Parent Trap Twin From London. Even if she switches places with her American twin, she’s still going home. Sorry, Hollie! I don’t want to see Joshua cry, either.

(Ok. La Lopez. Shut up. All judges. Shut up. American Idol. MAKE THIS SHOW AN HOUR AGAIN.)

Spread the word. Do it.

But again with the hour. Does this really have to be an hour? What’s wrong with a slow, quick death?

Out of curiosity, do you think Aerosmith ticket sales will be a bit underwhelming due to Steven Tyler’s milquetoast American Idol judge persona? This exchange with Seacrest, I mean, come on, can’t Steven talk about whipping some of these contestants? At least the ones over 18?

Poor Deandre. I just look at this poor kid and want to drive him home myself. I’ll buy him a soda and a burger at some off-road diner and we can just chat about things. This kid just looks scared. I guess it was nice they brought out Eric Benet to hang out with him for a few minutes. Hmmm…Eric Benet is kind of hot. Can see why he was getting so much ass on the side when he was with Halle Berry. Not that it makes it okay, but you know, he’s still kind of hot.

FORD COMMERCIAL FOLLIES
Apparently you put a lot of non-digital televisions in the back of those Ford hatchbacks. I know they’re crying, I Wanna Rock, but this isn’t very rocking. Because it’s an Idol “Ford Commercial” that won’t be seen much after well, now.

IDOLS MOVING IN TO MANSION MONTAGE TO LANA DEL REY
Once they hit the Top 10, all the contestants were moved into a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. It even has its own hashtag — #idolmansion, natch. (Last night, they were trying to make #myidol happen.) This is definitely an upgrade from past manses. This truly says LA. I would think it was an ANTM setup except there are now floor to ceiling photos of Tyra Banks, although color me shocked JLo didn’t ask for such treatment. Throughout this little dealio, Jessica Sanchez Clove continues to show zero personality. Watch out, kids. She may try and drown one of you guys in that nice-ass pool.

Elise Testone / Phil Phillips / Hollie Cavanaugh
In case you were wondering even though I know you were not: Elise Testone DID NOT sing Whole Lotta Love because Adam Lambert once did it. She’s barely watched the show. I love you, Katniss. TWO REASONS I LOVE HER EVEN MORE. Why this was even asked is just…JESUS CHRIST IDOL. Going overboard on the hashtags. Now we have #telljimmy. Anyway, next’s weeks theme is The 80s. What’s funny about this Group of 3 is that come on, the only one who should be in the Bottom 3 is Hollie Cavanaugh.

Score a point for me in that Idol pool I’m in! Foxface is obviously in the Bottom 3.

Nicki Minaj
For some inexplicable reason, I sort of like Nicki Minaj. Her songs are kind of fun and she can rap. The bright ‘n’ sometimes bizarre wardrobe is cheeky fun, and feels much less forced than say, Katy Perry’s “persona.” She also seems like she can laugh at herself and doesn’t possess the self-rightous sex-potness of Rhianna, nor is she holier-than-thou like Beyonce. She seems to possess the seemingly friendly nature of Lady Gaga without the deity complex. Nicki Minaj just seems like a good egg.

Colton Dixon / Joshua Ledet / Heejun Han
We get it, Colton. We get it. YOU LOVE JESUS. AND DAUGHTRY. YOU LOVE JESUS AND DAUGHTRY. Thank you, Jimmy, for calling this emotive-face-making fundie out on something. No wonder Jimmy Iovine gets so much screen time. He’s the only person actually CRITIQUING these people. It’s gonna be Joshua or Heejun joining Hollie on the cheap chairs. You say, Joshua? No way! Come on. You know how this show works and Joshua is an African-American man. He’ll only be around for a few more weeks. If Idol really wanted a female to win, they would stack the decks with black males. These are the people who vote for American Idol. They do not vote for men of color. It is a sad, sad, truth.

(Also, I just wanted to post this bad boy again.)

But Joshua lives another day. As I also predicted, Heejun is sent to the chairs. I actually call a Bottom 2 with Hollie and Deandre, so let’s hope Heejun will live another week — you know the “judges” won’t try and save him.

Scotty McCreery
I’ve always thought Scotty seemed like a nice kid with a good head on his shoulders. And he will likely have a decent career in the country realm. This song? For contemporary mainstream country, it’s solid. It’s a bit of a throwback of sorts to the country I remember of the mid-90s, the Tim McGraw and Toby Keith heydeys, perhaps. And that’s good because yes, I can admit that I do like a few of those songs. Scotty’s voice is perfect for that sort of pleasant good-old-but-not-bad-boy twang. But I really just want to hear him do a little Baby Lock Them Doors. Please? Please oh please oh please? Can he do it when he chit chats with Seacrest after his performance?

YES BUT NO. Seacrest sings it. Scotty does not. Seacrest kind of ruined it. Scotty would have sang it. I know he would have sang it. Jimmy come out with Scotty McCreery’s PLATINUM RECORD. When was the last time they were able to do that on American Idol? Nice job, Scotty. I hope this also means you bagged that nice young teacher you invited to the finale last year. You ARE 18 now.

Skylar Laine / Deandre Brackensick / Jessica Sanchez
Another reason to like Skylar Laine: When asked which former Idol contestants’ music she would sing, she did not answer Carrie Underwood. Skylar answered Crystal Bowersox and Bucky Covington. Skylar Laine, you are my favorite-ever country singing girl on this show. You are different from those who came before you and I LOVE IT. Anyway, those are your three choices. Is it difficult to figure out who’s probably gonna be sent to the uncomfortable stools?

Again, Jimmy Iovine is the only one saying anything pertinent, stating Deandre’s falsetto as polarizing, and that he needs to work his way up in the industry and gain more experience. He does seem to like Clove’s vocals, but concedes that “little girls” (HA!) tend to vote for little boys on this show — judging by the past 5 winners.

Poor Deandre…his face…NOOOOO! Deandre isn’t…really??? SKYLAR NO!!! This can’t be. Not my Skylar. But it IS safe to say that judging by this pack, the judges’ save probably will not be used. The girl wears bedazzled cowboy boots and I STILL like her! Thankfully, she is sent to safety. Please don’t be Heejun. NOOOOOOOOOO!

Well, Heejun probably knew it was all gonna end like this…so how will he go out? On a high note? Or a high note? For some reason, JLo’s false indecision displayed by her body is more offensive than usual. I find myself touched by the genuine tears in Elise and Phil’s eyes. You guys are all buddies! All the good ones. Skylar hangs out with you too, right? Goddammit. The judges always piss me off during this part, with their faux-conversation, their pained faces. You know that JLo has Steven Tyler whisper stuff about Ben Affleck in each ear so the bitch can muster up some tears by the time the 2:00 song is finished.

Sads. Thankfully, my DVR cutoff before “Heejun’s journey.” Well…at least the exit interviews should be entertaining, right?

Spread the word. Do it.

OK. Maybe this won’t be THAT bad. After all, we were given THIS extraordinarily exquisite gift less than three minutes in.

Even Ryan Searcrest is referencing The Hunger Games. Alas. He could use some of Cesar Flickman’s elan. That Tommy Hilfiger, however, well, he’s no Cinna. Informing all of the REMAINING contestants that they really all went THEIR OWN WAY last week, he begins lecturing them about personal style. A shame he didn’t mention how the one contestant who truly embraced his advice well, at least you made the tour, Erika Van Pelt. Obviously, this is just a shameless plug for the Tommy Hilfiger department at Macy’s.

We’ve got some grey shirts, Philip.

Miss OMG Shopper Extraordinaire Jessica Sanchez Clove comes sashaying out in some cropped military jacket and beige, Lopez-esque jumpsuit, twirls, then flashes her conniving little smile. Now that’s a LOOK, exclaims Tommy with breathless ennui. Tommy also thinks by the time we get to the finale, the styles will be OUTRAGEOUS. He’s never watched this show, has he?

Grainy video of Stevie Knicks and Jimmy Iovine is met with silence by the studio audience…

Colton Dixon aka Cato: The District 2 “career tribute” was raised precisely for American Idol on Jesus and Daughtry.
Talents: Throwing wimpering puppy dog eyes at lofted cameras, knowledge of entire male Idol “rocker” canon.
Song: Everything by Lighthouse

Stevie tells Colton to NEVER cut his hair off. Colton then proceeds to ask if he can blow cocaine up her ass. KIDDING. Which is a shame because it would be so much better if he did say that. When it comes time to perform, I can’t really tell what he’s signing because it just sounds like a Daughtry-David Cook B-side. Oh go figure, it’s a Lighthouse song. No wonder I don’t know it. No wonder it sounds like a Daughtry-David Cook B-side

The judges read some cue cards about Cato Dixon being UNBELIEVABLE or something. I just want to know who the hell makes Randy Jackson’s jewelry.

(Commercial Break: What in Kohl’s hell happened to Mia Hamm??)

Skylar Laine aka Rue: Stealthier than the Careers, stays alive by staying off the ground. Also: I really like Skylar so she gets to be Rue.
Talents: Disarming humor and charm
Song: Gunpowder and Lead by Miranda Lambert

Pushing me more and more on the Skylar Laine Train is that she really loves Miranda Lambert. Miranda Lambert is good. Skylar is NOT the one singing Carrie Underwood this week. Why, because Skylar has actual bite. Now if only they would start putting her in more flattering tops. Just because she’s not a Size 2 does not mean you should stick her in an artfully-cut pillowcase. Skylar has better natural stage presence than any other country girl I’ve seen on this show. When she jumps around with abandon, I am filled with glee. When the judges prattle on about whether she was more Galveston or Dallas, I just tune them about and start reading the damned Hunger Games Wiki again.

In order to account for the bloated time slot, the contestants are forming alliances and performing medleys. Singing an assortment of Stevie Nicks favorites are Colton Dixon, Phil Philips, and Elise Testone — obviously going with your favorites for the medley-of-the-mentor. The swaybots are wayyyy too distracting during Landslide, a song demolished by the Dixie Chicks that I can no longer listen to it without cringing. Elise breaking into Edge of Seventeen can’t come soon enough. Then Phil gets to lead Bill Clinton’s 1992 Campaign Theme.

Heejun Han aka Haymitch: He might not be getting tanked but he’s still a lot of fun. Try not to kill all of his family for finding that force field, President Lythgoe.
Talents: Knows how to use underdog status and game mechanics, Aware of the fact this is nothing but a shit show
Song: A Song For You by Donny Hathaway

Heejun has “rethunk his strategy” after being called out on not taking the competition seriously which means its ballad time, but personally, I’m hoping if Heejun sticks around, he alternates between taking the competition seriously and not so seriously, because its one of the only bright spots of this shit show.

Heejun’s tone is clear, but a bit scratchy in some moments, yet he seems to nail the big notes. Singing Donny Hathaway decently is Idol gold. I also really like his hat and eyeglasses. The judges give him a standing ovation, I guess because they need to play the comeback story + make everyone think he is safe even though he’s performing in the middle of the bunch. I also REALLY hope someone makes a gif of JLo stuttering and semi-recovering by looking down at her monitor. Anyway, please don’t get all boring on us Heejun, even if you get a standing ovation from those talking heads.

If Jordin Sparks is sitting in the audience with Dionne Warwick, please assure me there will be no remake of That’s What Friends Are For. And Jason Derulo, really? A bedazzled neckbrace AND a skinny tie? Assuming Kara DioGuardi must have beaten you up and then dressed you or something.

Hollie Cavanaugh aka Foxface: You know nothing about this girl. She is quiet and fades into the background. You cannot remember her name. She will stick around longer than you expect, but she will die after consuming poisoned sequins.
Talents: Easily forgettable, fades into the background
Song: Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood

I should probably just refuse to recap anyone who sings this GOD AWFUL (You see what I did there?) Carrie Underwood song.  But it’s difficult to not comment on the snowy forest backdrop and snowy fog and SNOW FALLING FROM THE RAFTERS. Someone just put Foxface out of her misery and feed her those damned sequins now, mmm-kay?

Deandre Brackensick aka Glimmer: Deandre sort of shines and could be viewed as a retro version of “sexy and lush,” I’m also running low on tributes and Deandre isn’t screaming Thresh or Peeta to me, plus he’s sort of a Career (remember his stage mom?). And only ones who didn’t make it this far get to be unnamed tributes.
Talents: Extreme falsetto, tests well with the judges
Song: Sometimes I Cry by Eric Benet

Jimmy Iovine notes Deandre has Stevie’s old hair. Stevie says it was a perm. Deandre is singing Eric Benet, who is also Halle Berry’s ex-husband, I think. I just want Deandre to throw his hair back in a ponytail because I prefer that look. He’s just sort of treading water at this point, and its a matter of time before Deandre is offed. Its not that he’s untalented, he’s just too gentle and tan for the people who vote for male contestants (SEE THE FIRST PHOTO). But Deandre pulls out all those high notes likes its Time Life’s Slow Jams. I like his jacket. Other than that I’m bored because I just sort of completely hate contemporary R&B. And he’s just sort of wailing like female singers do and while I guess its an admirable skill, it’s just not my thing. Nevertheless, he gets a standing ovation from the gamesmakers. And Steven Tyler compares him to…PRINCE? JLo begs people to vote for him so she can hear his voice some more, BUT ONLY FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS. Cold bitch.

Apparently, we have :54 minutes left. Help me. Send the hovercraft.

Jessica Sanchez aka Clove: Cold, ruthless, killing machine with no soul, this career tribute has been trained for this since her parents started dressing her as Selena and sticking her on a mall stage at age 2.
Talents: Precise singing, zero emotional, robotic murderess
Song: Sweet Dreams by Beyonce

If its not Celine or Whitney, Clove has no idea what happened before the previous decade. Singing Beyonce’s tepid Sweet Dreams slowed down — Clove can’t sing nothing but ballads — while wearing something from Cache’s “Senora de Madrid” collection, Clove Sanchez walks through a bunch of seemingly red doors, floating on the fog. Like the doors, the song goes NOWHERE.

She then puts on the humble little girl act for the judges, oh really, you like me, you like me? Stop blowing smoke up her ass and keep the smoke where it belongs — on the floor. Or just send her off to be Clive Davis’ lap dog right now so she doesn’t have to be on my TV every week. She must already be taking GED classes in between shopping trips to The Grove. We don’t need to see this. KILL HER OFF NOW. She just said like Beyonce, she ALSO has an alter ego — BeBeChez.

Michael Jackson medley naturally features Deandre, Heejun, and Joshua Ledet. And fedoras. I really do think Deandre could do some excellent late 70s Jackson, but can we give points to Joshua for his very adept moonwalk? But this medley could really use a little more Heejun…so does this mean no Michael Jackson Tribute Show this season? And speaking of dead singers who’s songs I never want to hear on this show again, whens the Whitney Houston episode?

They’re actually pretending to judge this? Oh JLO. You’re batting 1.000 tonight.

Michael Jackson! We miss Michael Jackson!! [INAUDIBLE. Cut off by music.]

Phil Phillips aka Peeta: Because you know he’s gonna win. Because you know he’s exactly the sort of guy people who watch this show root for. And his parents own a pawn shop, which is sort of like a bakery.
Talents: Uncanny combined version of all male Idol winners since 2008, Knows what the audience wants, Does things to show “they don’t own him” by wearing gray.
Song: Still Rainin’ by Jonny Lang

Stevie Nicks and Jimmy Iovine are kind of cute for some reason. Anyway, Stevie says Phil could have joined Fleetwood Mac had he been around in the 70s AND that he looks like a young Lindsey Buckingham. Sadly, Phil does not ask if he can blow coke up her asshole, but they do take a sweet photo together.

Buoyed by Stevie’s effusive praise and probably because he might suspect he all but has the finale in the bag, Phil delivers his typical rousing throaty rendition while also losing none of his aw-shuckness. Standing ovation. They’re giving out standing ovations like the free clinic gives out condoms. And Randy gets an opportunity to tell everyone Jonny Lang is a personal friend of his!

(Commercial break: WTF. Glee has to do Gyote? When are they gonna cancel that crap?)

Joshua Ledet aka Thresh: No silly. Not because he’s black. But because I bet him and Skylar Laine (Rue) have each other’s backs and I just really want to see him tell that Jessica Sanchez (Clove) off.
Talents: Casualwear Jacob Lusk, Takes you to church without making you leave your living room, but only the good parts of church
Song: Without You by Mariah Carey.

Backed by a string OCTET and a sepia-toned desert backdrop (get it, without you life is but a desert), oh, and hollowed-out dead tree sculptures favored by slim, post-menopausal woman in the Southwestern United States, Joshua sings a song that well, really should only be sung by one woman.

Not Mariah Carey. BUT RANDY DID TALK TO HER YESTERDAY. ON HER BIRTHDAY. SHE’S ON VACATION. But Valentina Hasen.

Oh, what memories. Anyway, judges hand out some another standing ovation free rubber. Joshua turned out a very Joshua performance — he’s never bad. He’s one of the most consistent performers on the show. And I guess he can get over the insecurities he feels when not flanked by a small gospel choir if you say, stick a string octet and dead-tree living room decorations behind him. TILIBA LIBA DOUCHOU!

Singing a medley of Madonna hits: Naturally, Jessica has to kick off Like A Prayer, followed by Hollie, and then Skylar — the latter of which, even though I adore her, frankly none of them bring any sort of anything to what is arguably Madonna’s finest song. It’s not as bad on Borderline, but really, people, really? Madonna progressively becomes more and more of an insufferable c**t with each passing moment, but she still deserves better than this trio singing three of her biggest hits. Hell, I would rather watch when Glee mangled these great songs than THIS. What is amusing, however, is just how ill-at-ease Sanchez looks when having to actually share the stage with two other girls who can and will ably outshine her robotic pageant act when necessary.

Can’t we just have a show that lasts an hour and a half, eventually an HOUR. Please?

Elise Testone aka Katniss: Why? Because she’s the best. And she would so score an 11 EVERY TIME.
Talents: Legitimate vocal awesomeness, Has likely experienced some of what she sings about, Humility
Song: Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin

Thanks, Jimmy Iovine! Thank you for suggesting a little harmonization between Stevie and Elise. (Our Katniss IS probably the only girl who was even familiar with Stevie Nicks before learning she would be this week’s guest mentor.)

Certainly Katniss will piss off many already irate Glamberts by singing THE GLAM GOD’S SONG. Um, it’s Led Zeppelin’s song. Anyway…who cares! Elise is awesome. I love hearing a female with the legit proper pipes to take on such a classic. Shower her with every inch of your love people. Shower her.

Oh. And how many times has Randy called a song “the hardest song in the world to sing?” This wasn’t a first, but I don’t care. SHE WAS AWESOME.

Will be killed at the Cornucopia Feast tomorrow night: Hollie Cavanaugh or Deandre Brackensick. But I smell a judges’ save, what about you? Alas. You will still feel this sentiment:

Spread the word. Do it.