Let’s hope I don’t fall asleep for #idolboys because face it, last night’s Top 10 #idolgirls was a REAL snoozer. While I’m still confused while the American Idol app looks just like a Windows Tablet, maybe I will be motivated to download it tonight. Especially since I swear at least Hollywood Montrose is standing up on that stage.
We kick things off with this season’s token Asian doing Rhianna’s Stay just as you would imagine Bruno Mars covering it acoustically. I’m down with it.
While I can agree with Nicki and say I like it a lot (and Mariah, too), I also agree with Randy when he says it never left first gear. Mariah is showing a bit more of her breasts than last night but those titties are almost too demure. Why has no one blurted out BRUNO MARS.
#imwatchingidol (Keeping track of all of Idol’s silly hashtags so you don’t have to)
So the reason no one evoked Bruno Mars during Elijah’s performance is because Cortez, in fact, is covering Bruno Mars. And while Cortez is certainly no Bruno Mars—nary the swagger, vocally or physically—he’s actually singing a current UPTEMPO song. Locked Out Of Heaven has been done a lot better. By Bruno Mars. And the ending is a little um, where did that come from? But as this is the first time all season I’ve watched consecutive shows, I am almost giddy to hear something with an actual BEAT.
Keith loves something about Cortez’s voice and he loves that song but he didn’t love the performance. Nicki wants Elijah’s stylists to style Cortez, perhaps not considering there are no more than 1 or 2 Idol stylists and often the contestants pick out their own clothes. Randy says something about high notes, half steps, whole steps. Ryan informs Nicki of how the whole American Idol stylist game works—they do not get one until the Top 10.
Charlie has my vote for the evening based on style alone. TRIBUTE TO KEZ BAN. And WHY have I not even watched clips of Charlie’s earlier performances. He is my spirit animal. At first I think he’s singing the look, the touch, the feel of cotton, but then I realize its Mama, a Genesis song. A GENESIS SONG. He knows early Genesis. And I adore Charlie even more. Because Charlie is being himself. Charlie and his wooden turtle necklace, you are too good for this place. If you get sent home tomorrow, just remember, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEM.
Because Keith loves Charlie’s range, he hates this performance. And Nicki feels like someone stole her child. CHARLIE IS CRYING. Why do they keep telling him he’s being disingenuous, because he changed, because he…how is this not the Charlie Askew he’s presented on this show from the beginning. Charlie chose this song to vent–The only reason I smile so much is because I feel like I have to. And its probably one of the rawest, most real, emotionally-charged moments ever seen on the show. Can Charlie handle this bullshit? Then again, when it comes down to it, why would anyone WANT to deal with this crap?
In time filler, surrounded by bubbling Coke imagery, Ryan asks Nick why photos taken of him several years ago look different than his current aesthetic. Um, fashion sense, shaved head. Small talk. Anyway, Nick is behind the piano doing a slightly-slowed version The Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris, a song I loved in 1997. Its sort of the way you would picture James Blunt doing Iris, but Nick’s voice is reed thin. While it was a good song selection for him, it lacked an emotional punch.
The thinness I found is what Keith interprets as vulnerability, but he LOVES it, obviously. Nicki addresses him with a British accent because well duh, the Ale. Randy stars questioning who he is although he was happy he saw him come back to being him in what was a solid performance. Dawg.
So he lost 40 pounds and picked up an acid-wash fetish. If you were looking for your earnest & soulful, almost classic R&B mainstay this season, he’s your guy. The Louisiana native takes a “risk” and performs I’m Here from The Color Purple, the song he so movingly auditioned with. Its sort of difficult to NOT like Burnell, even if he wears acid wash.
Blasted for being too THEATRICAL (you know what that means) by Keith last week, Jimmy Iovine saved Paul Jolley aka Gold Medal Men’s Figure Skater Evan Lysacek. Both are cute. Maybe Paul can join Vera Wang’s harem, too! I’m pulling for Paul Jolley not just because he’s a cute guy and probably plays guitar, therefore proving Idol winners can only be WGWGs, but because Paul Jolley is, I mean, come on. Homeboy is gay. GAY WGWG is an Idol dream. But even better. He’s a COUNTRY SINGER. He wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood. POP COUNTRY. JUST WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND IT. A GAY COUNTRY SINGER.
Anyway, I kind of like Paul Jolley. He has a pleasant voice and a nice smile and I have a friend named Joed Polley, which is almost sort of the same thing, so I think that’s why I kind of like Paul Jolley. And maybe they’re so hard on him because he sang Just A Fool, a duet between The Voice’s Xtina and Blake Shelton.
Keith Urban cannot handle a gay male country singer. Someone said cabaret? Did you see that? Those were my eyes. Rolling. Mariah had no idea he wanted to do pop country until now, but Jimmy Iovine says he has a strong instrument. JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE. Just let the guy sing what he wants to.
The dapper Cuban stutterer takes on Nina Simeone’s classic Feeling Good. While it does not veer too far away from the original arrangement, its different ENOUGH. It did not entirely rip off Muse’s (cough Adam Lambert cough). It’s smooth. It’s a bit of a throwback.
Keith loved it. Nicki loves it and that Lazaro also loves pink. Randy spurts out his first IN IT TO WIN IT of the night.
Curtis Finch Jr.
Ahhhhh…a few people’s favorite arrogant bastard singing a song sung by a globally-lauded arrogant bastard. Part of me WANTS to root for this guy since um, he’s from St. Louis and all and we haven’t had one in there since Ozzie Smith’s son in 2005. Or was it 2004? TAKE EM TO CHURCH HONEY. EYEYEYEYEYEYEYYEEEYEYEYYEYEE BELIEVE I CAN FLLLLYYYYYYY. He ends on some other crazy come to Jesus run and then looks like he’s about to vomit.
I’m not sure why we need Curtis Finch, Jr.’s hope but Keith thinks we do. Then Nicki talks about a bar. Yeah, often times after I hit the bar, I feel like I can fly, too. PEOPLE ARE HURTING. WE NEED THAT. Nicki wants Curtis to start a cult and she wants to join it. That would be so much more entertaining than The 700 Club. And then Randy talks about God and come on, I thought we were over that stuff. Randy also says the competition just started, even though 5 minutes ago, he said Lazaro was IN IT TO WIN IT. Mariah needed Curtis at this moment in her life.
Keeping it real after his todos en espanol performance from last week, Devin goes bilingual in his bowtie. On appearances alone, he’s like an Archie comic translated into Spanish. Nigel Lythgoe says Tin Tin, but I say Archie! But it’s real nice. HE BUSTED OUT PERRY COMO. (It’s Impossible) PERRY COMO. And did it in English AND Spanish. And made it almost current.
Keith loves it. Nicki says muy bien and then some other Spanish things like todos and gordo. She then calls him a Spanish Ken Doll. Randy really likes his tone and vibrato. He compares him to turning on a faucet and says he’s handsome like I am.
In the pimp spot, is our friendly bald man in killer frames singing Boyz II Men’s End of The Road. Some parts are good, in other parts, he was overshadowed by the backup singers. But there were FIVE boyz on their way to becoming men so maybe that’s how it was supposed to be.
Judges are all like we love you, but we’re not sure, that wasn’t as good as last week. Blah blah blah. In the here-are-the-numbers-taped-from-rehearsal-bits, Elijah Liu sounded LOTS better. So did Nick Boddington. But regardless—how is this a GIRLS’ YEAR? These 10 guys were vastly more interesting than anything we saw last night. Who’s with me here?