Ballads Made Me Fall Asleep: American Idol Top 10 Girls Sing Slow Stuff

Is it just my imagination, but didn’t they have both a male & female in American Idol’s opening animation in previous seasons? Or three sort of asexual illuminated figures? All I know is that this week brings FIVE AND A HALF HOURS of American Idol. So naturally, Ryan Seacrest’s patented chit chat with each judge in the beginning is absolutely necessary, right?

Oh Randy. Just stop.

It’s a girls season to lose, and we haven’t said that in a LONG time.

Bullshit. You’ve said it the last FOUR seasons.

MARIAH WHY CAN’T I SEE YOUR BOOBS? Mariah starts talking about herself in discussing the other contestants, and I start daydreaming of the CAGEMATCH OF NARCISSISM between Carey and Tyra Banks.

PRELIMINARY THOUGHTS

So if Angie Miller wins this thing, as Nigel Lythgoe so desires, does she also get a contract with Accutane? Meh. Accutane is waaaaay too high brown for an Idol winner. Is Zoanette going first or last? Has Apple officially dropped their hardware partnership with Idol since they’re displaying the American Idol app on a Galaxy?

Zoanette Johnson
Joanette should make it to at least the Top 5 based on stellar wig choices alone. How do I feel about Zoanette doing one of my greatest musical heroines of all time? Not sure. Because What’s Love Got To Do With It is rather a study of restrained anger. It begins a bit iffy, with all that skipping, and everything. And I don’t necessarily remember these being the lyrics…Mariah looks horrified. Zoanette is nowhere near Tina, but she can easily turn screaming into a glory note and for this, I kiss the ground she walks upon.

Keith always starts by pointing out the positive, so he does not really give her any sort of props. But he loves her effervesance. Nicki, naturally, loves her but also promises honesty and says HONEY NO YOU DID NOT but she’s still rooting for her. Randy says something like NO NO NO YOU’RE DOING YOUR THING THAT WAS A MESS RIGHT THERE. Mariah breathlessly coos Hi Zoanette in the mic just for cheers from her lambs in the audience. BUNDLE OF FESTIVITIES.

The judges are throwing her under a bus, as they are wont to do with BUNDLES OF FESTIVITIES. But more than anything, I was a bit frightened as to how the entire exchange sounded a lot like those nit-wits who sat at the table last season.

Breanna Steer
After witnessing last week’s panting over Aubrey Cleland’s body, Breanna Steer stepped up her game and her hemline. Gams are great, but did this song have a melody? Ahhh. Beyonce.

Keith LOVES her song choices, but wants her to try not to be Beyonce, even though he has a sneaky suspicion she will make it to next week. Nicki speaks the TRUTH. She thought she was strained and has a sneaky suspicion she WILL NOT be going through. Randy agrees only with RANDY and thinks it needed more big moments. Big moments. Like In ‘N’ Out burgers. Mariah thinks its a unique song choice because of its lyrical rawness and then talks about how she does her song lineup at concerts.

Breanna aludes to having a boyfriend in the house. She towers over Ryan. They show some numbers and then John Corbett starts talking about Walgreens because John Corbett is the voice of Mass-Americana.

Aubrey Cleland
She wants to show her personality legs. Aubrey may have grown up on a farm, but she’s the second coming of NYC-born & bred Pia Toscano. Anyway, she’s singing that song about the baby blanket Fergie had to have written while on meth. It was pleasant-enough karaoke, but packed little emotional punch. But how much emotional punch can it have?

Keith has not said love yet, but her beautiful vibrato something something. Nicki says she looks great (HOLLA PAULA) and loves her humility and says she loves her. And Randy loves her. RANDY COMPARES HER TO TENDER RHIANNA. Mariah LOVES greeting all the contestants. And she loves her outfit. And her multi-platinum potential.

Color me confused right now. She almost put me to sleep.

OMG DO NOT LET JANELLE ARTHUR WAVE LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE A SPECIAL OLY–NO I WILL NOT I CANNOT THAT IS WRONG AND I WILL NOT GO THERE.

I am so ready for a nap.

Janelle Arthur
Remind me to post her intro package so you have all the information you need about this small-town girl. Her whiny country ballad is essentially a whiny plea for her DREAM TO COME TRUE. It is nasally and

KEITH: I loved that baby. No, you know what I love?
NICKI: YOU ARE BACK. You are a little marshmellow I want to eat. I was a little worried about you after your last performance…best vocal of the night so far. [Ed. Note: That's not saying much.]
RANDY: I wish someone would make an old throwback Patsy Cline kind of record…that’s what I love about you. You could do that and give them that.
MARIAH: You did what you came to do and you did a very good job.

Tenna Tores
EVERYONE is following Aubrey’s lead and going with the sexy mini-dress this week. I actually fell asleep during this part which was fine because the song is about thinking love is a dream and wanting to stay in one’s arms forever. We’ve all felt like that, but when I feel like that, it’s probably a little less pitchy and wobbly, although who am I kidding, I am always wobbly and pitchy. But I’m not a singer. And I am always pitchy and wobbly and sometimes it takes 1000x something I should have figured out after 1 or 10x, but I figure it out and I realize the supreme error of my ways. I am sorry I can sometimes be a selfish asshole. Crap. I feel like Mariah right now, making everything about ME. Anyway, like Teena, I am pitchy and wobbly I can still pull off a decent performance and take criticism like a champ, taking from it so I can improve upon myself.

Keith assumes everyone is going to vote every contestant in and Nicki likes Teena’s boobs. Everyone else thought it was very nicely done.

Angie Miller
No longer ANGELA, Angie understands she might have much to live up to after her Hollywood Week performance—an original song all about Jesus. This time, she’s still wide-eyed, back on the piano, singing one of her buddy Colton Dixon’s songs. It’s all very angelic, but sometimes cheaply angelic like that Wet ‘n’ Wild Pewter Power spackled over Angie’s eyelids right now. Like Janelle, Angie is the producers and judges’ favorite this year.

All the judges love it. Randy gives his A STAR WAS BORN ON THIS STAGE and YOU WERE BORN TO DO THIS SO KEEP DOING IT mainstays.

Amber Holcomb
Since I’ve only paid partial attention to this show this entire season, I’m not very familiar with yet another SMALL-TOWN GIRL named Amber, but she also has great legs and enjoys wearing miniskirts. I wish I knew more about Amber, who expresses her need to show more confidence and personality this week (as per Randy)—so I’m not sure why she chose a familiar-sounding Whitney Houston ballad about a miracle that feels perfect for the 3pm hour of Jerry Lewis’ Jerry’s Kids Telethon.

But the judges love it, and Mariah actually makes the most sense in that she was not “taking on” Whitney Houston but paying homage. And then I was reminded about last Friday’s episode of Jimmy Fallon, featuring an interview with Mariah and a KICK ASS OMG I LOVE YOU performance from Prince. Throughout both their careers, more so with Prince than Mariah, the latter of which had the luxury of coming onto the scene about 7 years after Whitney Houston’s self-titled debut album, there were always the comparisons. Prince vs. MJ. Whitney vs. Mariah. Prince is  quite possibly the single greatest musician of all time, and Mariah, well, while all of her music hasn’t been utterly fantastic, the quality of her overall catalog is stronger than Whitney, who had just a few BIG standouts. AND MARIAH WINS XMAS.

Apologies for the bit of a derailment…I’m just sick of hearing all these damn ballads.

Kree Harrison
When Kree walks out, my first fear is that she may not be able to handle her stiletto platforms. Stacking the decks with another twangy ingenue, Idol clearly knows what it wants this year. For some reason—and not just a previous failed record deal—Kree is a bit of a non-Irish Carly Smithson. While Kree’s voice is probably my favorite of the evening, she doesn’t exactly exude stage presence and once again, I am at a loss for what this song is. I am a terrible music blogger. But

Keith loves the way she sings and her F-sharp. Nicki and Kree appeared to get married at some point in the competition. Kree just wants to do her wife proud. Kree’s quick wit endears her a bit to be, but just a bit. We barely know her. Randy says she is IN IT TO WIN IT and she could PROBABLY SING ANYTHING. (Does he have a Magic 8-Ball that just spits these out?)

Adrianna Latonio
She’s still a small-town girl from Alaska. All these small-town girls and no one is singing John Mellencamp? Don’t expect Adrianna to go down without a fight—she’s from ALASKA, a state that might really get behind an American Idol contestant. She’s also a PINOY. As I mentioned last week, Idol ALWAYS needs a Pinoy. Adrianna is wearing a oxblood-hued gown fit for a winter formal. She sings an uplifting ballad, I guess, but I have no idea what it was. She just stands there. I have already forgotten her performance before the final note.

Nicki tells Alaska ‘Hi’ and suggests little lady bug should come back next year. Mariah doesn’t know what people mean when people tell someone a song is too big from them because no one has ever told her that.

Candice Glover
In the evening’s pimp spot, there’s really no question Candice won’t be going on to the Top 10. As far as ability and maturity, she is so far beyond the other females in the competition it’s almost laughable. Finally! A song that is not just sung, but also FELT. You actually feel Candice is singing about a relationship she wishes to save. She’s not just singing the words. Naturally, she’s the best of the night.

Keith loves her. Nicki salutes her. Randy says yo, you’re one of the best singers in this competition and thinks they might have to ask for a WILDCARD because there’s SO MUCH TALENT (huh?). Mariah thanks her for sharing her talent and makes no mention of Mariah. Candice wins the evening.