My DVR is currently housing 4 hours worth of American Idol Does Vegas, which I’ve been ostensibly avoiding due to the fact the only thing worse than an Alicia Keys song is a cover of an Alicia Keys song. Yet every day I’ve felt pangs of guilt for not recapping those 4 hours, as I know there are like, 20 of you still left who actually enjoy reading the nonsense I attempt to hammer out once a week.
Oh Melinda. I want to LOVE you. You’re from KOSOVO. Your name is MELINDA. But I don’t even know what you’re singing and whatever it is, the entire song swallowed you. You were drowning, honey, and doggy paddling to keep up. Are you nervous? Do you just suck? What the hell is this song? (Ok. Its Jessie J. At least that’s what Nikki says.)
Keith is the new Paula. Nikki is like, oh sweetheart, ANGELA did that song. And I just keep thinking about how great it was when ANGELA did it. But you’re cute and I love you. Randy gets technical and says YOU IN DANGER GIRL. Mariah Carey’s breasts distracted me from everything she said, which I assume is a calculated effort since Mariah’s pre-judging reactions consist of shaking her head either in disbelief at how horrible a performance is, disbelief at how good a performance is, or disbelief at how she ended up pushing 40-something and judging a talent show.
PREDICTION: Is there a Billy Joel song about being sent back to Long Island?
Miss Glover is all but assured a position in the Top 20, she just needs to show up…and sing an Aretha Franklin song. If you’re a big-voiced black woman and you’ve made it this far, bust out the Aretha and you’re set.
Keith offers up a standing O and commends her on SONG CHOICE. Nikki can’t believe Candice didn’t make it past Vegas last year and says her confidence is worth a billion words. (Huh?) Randy cannot be second guessed about previous decisions and tells Candice how much she’s grown since last year and how last year was a totally different story. Mariah Carey says something about chorus and arrangement and showcasing power and range, but her tits were still in the way.
PREDICTION: Oh come on.
Let’s drop the last names of 15-year-old high school sophomores. Oh I see. Because her last name is ARABIC, it might be hard for people to say. I DIE A LITTLE INSIDE EVERY TIME I SAY JANELLE ARTHUR BUT WHATEVER. Juliana kind of plays guitar, at least a couple of chords. This is a Demi Lovato song. The guitar is twice her size. Oddly enough, there are a couple of moments where she sounds like Regina Spektor—but the whispy, breathy moments leave me slightly cold, and I desperately want Juliana to go home, go back to high school, live a little, drop this Taylor Swift schtick and show up in about 7 years as the heir apparent to Rachel Yamagata.
Keith loved it because Keith loves everything. Basically, all you need to know is every judge did the OH MY GOD ONLY 15 spiel and Mariah’s breasts called her angelic. Juliana, however, scored major points with me for saying on the advice of a vocal teacher, she took a song she didn’t like and tried to make a version she did like. She also THANKED THE BAND. And none of this came off as brown-nosing. But now that I like you more, Juliana [Insert Arabic Surname Here], I definitely want you to go back to high school.
PREDICTION: Every season needs a teenaged wunderkind.
She’s 25, which is good because I did not feel like hating on another home-schooled bitch Pinoy teenager this season. While I don’t really agree with Jett ditching that Bill Gates scholarship, its refreshing to have a woman in her mid-20s behind a piano, slowing down Rhianna’s Only Girl In The World (Oh why oh why are the endings of Idol arrangements sooooo terrible?) and infusing a subtle sexuality into it. Jett Romano has a bit of soul. And then it ended.
Keith loved it. Nikki pointed out that it did not go anywhere. Randy expanded on that, I guess, he didn’t like the ending. You can’t even blame Jett Romano for that ending. 9 out of 10 Idol arrangements end with such a clunky, amateur finality, and you’re just NOW noticing? Mariah’s breasts said something positive.
PREDICTION: I kind of like Jett. While it might seem like the judges are on the fence, and that going 4th could do Jett in, she IS Filipino. And American Idol is still remarkably popular in the Philippines—the show NEEDS a Pinoy contestant every season.
(ANOTHER commercial? Wait—Jon Hamm is gonna be on Family Guy?!)
Coke room now has a white couch. Talks about God. Is a worship leader. 29 with 3 kids. PLEASE SING ALICIA KEYS SO I CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT HATING YOU OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. Granted, this is the ONLY Alicia Keys song I’ve ever enjoyed, but Cristabel Clack (is this really her name? Poor girl.) does nothing new with it. And while I sincerely love her over aesthetic and do not mind her voice, as she is raspy and all, but…what stood out about this?
Keith loves her voice. Nikki is so over this shit. Randy thinks she was so great (standing O, didja know?) and I have no idea what he heard. Mariah brings up her past as an accomplished background singer to bring up a previous performance she DID like while also giving a tiny clap to Idol’s backup singers.
PREDICTION: Nikki & Mariah vs. Randy & Keith. Jimmy Iovine will have to chose. HOW IS KEITH EVEN GOING TO DECIDE WHEN HE LOVES EVERYONE?
Aubrey ditched her last name AND her veterinary aspirations. Along the way she did seem to pick up a bit of shimmery, divalicious style. She’s pretty. She has a gorgeous body. She sings that terrible Beyonce song, you know, the one about the sweet dream and the beautiful nightmare that would sound like an Alicia Keys hand-me-down but on what planet does Beyonce take Alicia Keys leftover? To me, this performance did not stand out.
Keith loves tonight. He says something about diversity and how the girls are bringing songs into new places. Nikki is obsessed with Aubrey and thinks she LOOKS and SOUNDS current. Randy and Mariah slobber all over Aubrey. What did we learn tonight, kids? DRESS THE PART. It will get you far. But always remember it can only get you SO far. The Pia Toscano is strong in this one.
PREDICTION: Why do the Yankees always win, Frank? Its cause the other team can’t stop staring at those damn pinstripes.
I had no idea who this little Arkansas creature was before this moment. She looks so freshly scrubbed, so naive, so innocent. And what I think is going to be a treacly Carrie Underwood tribute is anything but. With a throaty exuberance, Rachel belts—and stomps—out Grace and the Nocturnals’ Nothing But The Water, bringing REAL LIFE ENERGY to the stage tonight. SOMEONE IS ALIVE OUT THERE. Towards the end, Rachel falters a bit, speeding up a bit and losing her breath in her own excitement. But hot damn, I love this girl’s voice.
Keith loves her spirit but thinks the song got on top of her. This is the most criticism we’ve heard from Keith all night. Nikki asks her where the hell the crazy confidence came from, Rachel says she’s been praying a lot. (Sigh. STOP. I LIKE YOU. JUST STOP.) She also calls her a lady bug. Randy is THRILLED she sang an up tempo song and urges everyone to pray more. Mariah talks slower than everyone not because she’s choosing her words carefully, as she pretty much talks in circles, but because she needs to make sure she says at least one word more than her tablemates. And I can’t stop looking at her breasts. How are they still in there?
PREDICTION: If it comes down to country girl vs. country girl, fingers crossed the feisty Rachel bests Janelle Arthur aka the girl who Tebowed Tebow if you know what I mean. But do not count on it, as the judges pretty much went out of their way to tell Janelle they still adored her even on an “off night.”
Breanna reminds me an awful lot of 2004—Nicole Richie and Blu Cantrell. But in a good way. She’s slightly sultry, and Jazmine Sullivan’s Bust Your Windows is the definition of an astute song choice.
Keith didn’t know the song but he loves it. Nikki also calls her a Lady Bug, which apparently is Nikki speak for CURRENT. She also asks Breanna’s ethnicity. Randy shouts some encouraging things about Breanna and Louisiana. Mariah and her breasts add something. Breanna’s family is adorable.
PREDICTION: She’s golden.
After being heaped with lavish praise, Janelle appears to phone it in with this Lady Antebellum song that isn’t the Lady Antebellum song I love, yet it is a Lady Antebellum song I’ve heard. Big mistake. She appears to be running for her life by the end, rushing, rushing, where is this going? Out of breath. And oh how dull. Oh how very, very dull. RACHEL JUST KICKED YOUR COUNTRY ASS. And one more thing—don’t smile in a song where you shouldn’t smile.
Keith loved the SONG, but not her performance. Nikki starts slapping her around for not being confident enough. Randy tells Janelle she’s his FAVORITE country girl in the competition (Re: She is blond and they desperately want another Underwood.) and just had an off night. Mariah’s breast spout something about Janelle being WITHOUT PRETENTIOUSNESS, which is probably because the girl is wearing jeans and failed to comb her hair.
PREDICTION: As much as I want to say she is out of here, the judges selecting Janelle over the far-superior Rachel is a distinct possibility.
HOLY MARCUS GARVEY. Zoanette wants to be a star for Liberians to believe in. Maybe librarians, too. Oh Zoanette, I’ve been longing for your big blond hair and leather bustier all damn night. And your complete over-indulgent interpretation peppered with countless unnecessary glory notes in a song I have always despised make me actually appreciate Circle of Life in a way I never thought was possible. YOU ARE A FUCKING STAR. YOU MADE YOURSELF CRY. YOUR BEAUTIFUL FAMILY IS SOBBING.
Keith loves that he has no idea what Zoanette will do next, so he dubs her Queen of The Jungle, which would have been really racist had she not sung a song from The Lion King. NIKKI EVEN HAS TEARS IN HER EYES BECAUSE SHE AND ZOANETE ARE THE SAME. Mariah’s breasts have finally met their match. ZOANETTE And the damned #idolagree #idoldisagree poll holds steady at 50-50. If you have not already noticed, this is a fairly lame attempt at driving conversation through real-time marketing.
Side note: Tonight’s commercial breaks have showed us sexy people who vacation use Kindles, make me want to see Silver Linings Playbook a second time, and that my quality of life has improved slightly since I stopped watching Bones.
NO JIMMY TONIGHT! Rising from below, the judges tell the world that no, they could figure everything out for themselves. Let’s begin with…
ZOANETTE: YES YES YES YES YES OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
MELINDA: At least Mariah makes it obvious from the get-go when she’s giving someone the heave-ho
JULIANA: It’s for the best, sweetie. Go back to high school. Smoke a cigarette. Go to college. Get a tattoo.
AUBREY: Pia Toscano Mocha Latte.
CRISTABEL: Jesus wasn’t into it tonight.
CANDICE: Were you even concerned?
JETT: Well…its not like the Philippines will stop watching.
Clearly Breanna is in and as predicted, its a battle between the country girls.
BREANNA: As soon as Nikki said you can come back / as soon as you saw Janelle and Rachel were left
RACHEL: BULLSHIT (Sorry about those prayers.)
JANELLE: BITCH (And 70% of people who watch this show and Tweet with hashtags agree.)
Until tomorrow…oh yeah, about tomorrow, hey Idol—can we cut down on the Jesus stuff? A little secularity goes a long way.