#idol #hollywoodweek #idolgirls #idolgroupnight #idolgirlgroups #wronglyrics

As with anyone continuing to watch American Idol during the twilight of its years, it can sometimes feel like a chore. If only the episodes were…1:30, perhaps? Anything. Any. On the bright side, Hollywood Week (#hollywoodweek) continues on, and Ryan Seacrest wants to make it clear that THIS year the GIRLS are more talented than ever. The GREATEST performances YOU WILL HAVE SEEN IN YEARS.

Everyone [who gets a paycheck from this show] wants a girl. Everyone. American Idol will make sure everything with a penis goes home before a girl this year. And we’re off to a terrible start.

Mariah Pulice kicks things off. Mariah Pulice and her entire family cry a lot. Mariah is like a homeless man’s Selena Gomez. Or Demi Lovato. One of those. She sounds almost gutteral at times, she is off-key. She is all over the place. She is…it is terrible, like a high school swing choir member always TRYING so very, very hard. It’s the voice of a very bitter girl who TRIES TOO HARD to get attention, the voice of a girl who thinks she is the star even though Choir Director Bob loves another girl, who sings better and seemingly effortlessly. But Angela Miller is also quite horrid. Her mother does not cry, but she shouts out GIRL POWER from the rafters. Which is all quite funny as such an exclamation usually is uttered in a scenario involving you know, males and females. Angela sounds like some sort of avian creature who is sick and dying. Exactly like an avian creature except she has about 50 teeth. And slightly crazy eyes. Angela Miller is a frightening winged mammal with slightly crazy eyes. Victoria Acosta is going to sing Killing Me Softly a la mariachi-ish because she likes to tell stories. This would be entertaining if she were a tipsy lounge singer in an airport hotel, as Angela has a tendency to squat in a way to suggest BOWELS NEED MOVEMENT. Angela Miller and Victoria Acosta move forward. Naturally, Mariah Pulice cries. And her sister cries and says she will force her to come back next year. Bad sister.

The judges cut Ashley Smith (BAD JUDGES), Sarah Rucchuchio (Superbass!), and some Anne girl I vaguely remember. I should look up their proper names but we’ll never see them again so…Superbass Sarah and Ashley Smith looked like fun. Fun is the opposite of Angela Miller and Victoria Acosta, although the latter does seem as if she might be okay if you’ve had a few drinks and can put up with the fact she might not shut up. We’re also supposed to #idolgirls this crap. No. Too many hashtags = sounding like the extraordinarily idiotic Instagram feed of this didn’t-really-get-it intern I once had.

Rachel Hale is like, the happiest contestant EVAH. And then there is Janelle Arthur, who stands there with the expression of someone who wishes to cut a bitch. Supposed battle of the country girls. Rachel Hale is the brightest spot of the so far—granted we’re 10 minutes in, but she is good. Real depth. Real substance. I mean, she is GOOD. Janelle announces she is the going to be the next American Idol because…because pause pause pause SHE IS A DREAMER. This is the girl who dated Tim Tebow in college, so maybe dreamer is an apt description. She is a dreamer with poor eye makeup and even poorer taste in men. Idol fame for Janelle might be even more difficult than taking Tebow’s V-Card.

Janelle has none of the power or the depth of Rachel Hale. Rachel just keeps smiling. Janelle looks like she wants to cut a bitch. Maybe nerves, maybe old-fashioned jealousy, as Rachel Hale is GOOD. Anyway, they both make it. And we are told some other people do, too, because we are hurried into yet another commercial break but with the promise of GROUPS if we wait it out. Wait it out. Don’t cut a bitch.

Well GROUPS did not happen immediately after the break, but Candice Glover throws down some vocal acrobatics. What if she sang a duet with Crispin Glover? Megan Miller aka Miss Greater Baton Rouge is no stranger to struggle [quote Seacrest] because she was on CRUTCHES. Oh the hardships. I don’t know what she sang because it was entirely waaahhh-waaaah-waaaa-wa-waaaaah.

Megan Miller does not make it, but Candice Glover does alongside someone sorority girl named Lauren and this Shira? girl clad in a shimmery potato sack and resembles a gypsy psychic crossed with the corpse of Brittany Murphy.

It is clear that Idol has never seen this much talent from the ladies.

Can it, Seacrest. No matter how much you people keep telling us, its gonna be an uphill battle for any vagina on this show. If Crystal Bowersox lost to some paint can who’s name you cannot remember, then the odds are solidly stacked against a particular chromosomal combination. My TV is paused as a bunch of other girls go through as Seacrest keeps reiterating how TALENTED they are—a sentiment we’ve heard for the last 4 seasons. Someone is practicing a tenor sax across the street. I want to listen more.

Isabelle, who apparently goes my a uni-monkier now has rich, throaty vocality—and is a very pretty girl with gorgeous curves and stunning long legs. Idol will likely put her on the Carrie Underwood diet.

Since I missed a few audition episodes, clearly I was not clued into the fact that Idol finally decided to welcome a Male-to-Female Trans. REAL DEGRASSI SHIT RIGHT HERE. Kez Ban already has my vote. But why don’t we just address something right here and right now.

Kez Ban bears more than a passing PROFILE resemblance to Adam Lambert. Call me a f**king homophobe. Call me whatever you want, silly Glamberts. Kez Ban has similar eye shape and bone structure, but the sense not to cake spackle on because she hates her freckles. This is not me being all OMG GAY IN TOUCH WITH FEMININE SIDE THEY LOOK LIKE THE GLAM GOD. Bitches please. Stating the obvious. Kez Ban even wears a feathered fedora. Kez Ban’s occupation is listed as AMATEUR FIRE PERFORMER. (Vulture seems to have issue with this as a “profession.”) Kez Ban probably goes to Burning Man, too. But Kez Man is actually like, a real Burner and not just playing one on occasion.

I like Kez Ban. Kez Ban is fun on a cracker. Kez Ban and I turn cold cuts into finger foods whenever possible. Kez Ban’s voice is shot but she still sings Nights In White Satin and this makes me happy. FOLLOW KEZ BAN ON TWITTER. Some other people make it but I’m too intent on finding irrefutable proof Kez Ban has been to Burning Man that I don’t feel like typing and bolding their names.

#IDOLGROUPNIGHT Please oh please oh please stop with the hashtags. Kez Ban has been stuck with those Angela Miller and Janelle Arthur twats. They don’t want Kez Ban to be happy, i.e., sing California Dreamin’. Kez Ban’s rationale is that by NOT going with a pop song, they will stand out. Kez Ban pleads her points with spastic good intentions. Janelle and Angela just keep giving FREAK looks. These girls…SUCK. Mean girls!

We are drowning in a sea of blond…Nice black girl with big hair and big jewelry AKA I LOVE YOU ZOANETTE is stuck with the three #idolcountrygirls (MAKE IT STOP) and going mad. LOVE HER. And now back in hell…

Do we need a back massage circle?

Although they agree on Be My Baby, Kez Ban’s groupmates hate her. The mocha one just does whatever Angela and Janelle do. They all hate Kez Ban, who is just really hungry. Kez Ban also seems to be a fan of Rainbow Gatherings, as per her Facebook. But the sun also rises and the show must go on, even if Randy Jackson is in the studio. So apparently yes, some people still record with Randy Jackson. Mariah talks in diva voice when quizzed outside her chauffeured Ford. It is a typical day in Idol World.

The Swagettes
Melinda Adami / Denise Jackson / Candice Glover / Kamaria Ousley

One of the first groups to say nitey-nite and NO DRAMAZ, The Swagettes are essentially an En Vogue tribute band, because they turned Blu Cantrell into an En Vogue song. Melinda Ademi kind of lost it at the end of her solo, but its no surprise all four girls make it to the next round — even though there is zero question Candice Glover is the star, the standout, the Jennifer Hudson, or perhaps the…Lil Rounds.

Swag on.

Mariah needed to say something. She giggled to herself. She made a funny. To herself.

Raisin’ Cain
Morgan Leigh Boberg / Lauren Mink / Brandy Hotard / ?

Almost quite certain these are four young ladies I never need to hang out with, although I will give them credit for cute cowboy boots. If I am not mistaken, there may have been a shot of them praying as a group earlier. But most importantly, feed the gaunt would-be honky tonk goth on our right a damned sandwich. Lauren Mink should just go be Connie Britton’s stand-in on Nashville. I cannot tell if Keith Urban is dying a little inside or enjoying himself immensely. Mariah does not appear to be amused, but then again, Mariah always holds her cards…oh I have no idea. Give her a popsicle. It hurts her to smile politely. For at least this moment, which is no where near Xmas, I am a Mariah Carey fan. One of brunettes is named Brandy Hotard. Oh this poor, poor girl. Childhood and at least half of adolescence must have been a real bitch. But Brandy’s got moves. Real moves. She might have crazy eyes and ages from 26–40 when she sings, but otherwise. the girl can sing AND dance. Since they are all country, Nicki employs a country accent and says some other stuff.

We are willing to give you cupcakes, give you ice cream, and paint your little toenails next time. You’re all through.

You probably didn’t know what she was saying because you don’t speak Nicki like I do. Nicki was laughing at their sickening sweetness. Get it? get it?

Almost Famous
Samantha Votion / Lizz Weiss / Daysia Hall / J’Leigh Chauvin

Tackling Goyte is a ragtag group of girls who ragtag and talk about how they’re sisters, they’re in it together. The unofficial but self-appointed leader, Samantha Votion, has DECIDED THE HARMONIES. Some might wear a little too much animal print, perhaps a bit too much makeup, perhaps a couple of them could lose a few pounds, but they’re a refreshing dose of reality after the previous country pageant queens. They are clearly cannon fodder. (It’s been so long since I used that term, no?) Tasked with implementing minor choreography in their group performance, Almost Famous completely misses the mark as they face the back of  the stage with uninspired, come hither hip swinging. It feels so out of place with Goyte. I kind of like Lizz Weiss’ tough girl take, even if Mariah was not pleased. After Lizz, everything seems to REALLY fall apart. Its a disaster. Mariah keeps Daysia Hall. Samantha Votion is PISSED because SHE DID ALL THE HARMONIES. Samantha Votion is like, the Amy Fisher of Idol and she’s gonna come after you Maria Buttafucco. No one seems too upset to be rid of one another. So much for sisterhood. Sisterhood is only as strong as the harmonies, yo.

The Dramatics
Kriss Mincey / Janel Stinney / Cristabel Clack / ?

Plagued with nerves or narcissism or drama—wait. Narcissism. Combined with no sleep? Janel Stinney goes from being a nervous nelly to deeming herself ABOVE singing with a group. The others are smarter than to even screw with her bullshit. Kriss Mincey opens and is solid. Janel follows with something that sounds vaguely in tune but amounts to only murmuring things in tune because bitch doesn’t even know the lyrics. OH YEAH YEEEEEEE. Cristabel Clack is good. Nicki gives a standing ovation because they felt the song, so it was okay they messed up the words. Keith was like, screw this, I didn’t like it. Janel starts sobbing, which doesn’t sound much different than her singing and starts sobbing about how she DOES NOT FIT IN. Mariah is like BITCH PLEASE while Nicki tries to pep talk Janel’s ass. She just sits there with her typical smirky concern. Mariah points out she liked SOME of it. Yeah, so did I. Hey, I liked the other girls and maybe Janel is okay, but she really needs to at least pretend to “fit in” if she has any desire to stick around. Or at least get the anxiety in check.

Some girls dressed like Kardashians do not make it. Then there are some girls who make it out alive even though they no one else in their group does. These include Sarina Joy-Crone, Shubha Vendula, and Aubrey Cleland. Color me MYSTIFIED Shubha did it because sweetheart was a more ineffectual Pia Toscano with even worse of a lounge singer tone & swagger.

Urban Hue
Seretha Guinn / Tenna Tores / Kiara Lanier / Jett Hermano

Banged-up boyfriend in hospital Seretha Guinn is adorable, and Kiara Lanier is gorgeous and has gorgeous hair, but Tenna Tores and the unnamed Asian girl just squawk. Nicki said Tenna was the one to remember and Seretha wasn’t a star today—granted she was not, but American Boy is really not a star-making song. Nicki, how can we disagree like this? SERETHA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SENT HOME. Good luck, Seretha Guinn. Next time bring your kid on stage. (P.S. TENNA WAS TERRIBLE!!!)

The POOH Snaps AKA THE ZOANETTE SHOW!!!
Zoanette Johnson / Erin Christine / Lauren Bettes / Isabelle

Erin Christine is boring. POOH SNAPS!! And while everyone else is demure in black, Zoanette is wearing barely anything. A black tank and black shorts, but with a big red belt and gold chains and a big green necklace and big curly hair pulled back and when I say she looks like a drag queen, it is with awe and reverence. Zoanette has more stage presence than almost every female I’ve ever seen on this show. Her voice may not be the best, but what she has is something else entirely. Zoanette is a STAR. She lights up the room with her passion. I want to be her best friend. And when Lauren Bettes takes the lead immediately after, a young bland singing version of Laura Linney, its deflates you. Her voice isn’t terrible, it passes. But Lauren Bettes is not a STAR. Isabelle is an improvement, as for someone they desperately want in that country box, Isabelle has some serious soul. (Dear Idol. Do not make Isabelle starve herself. She is perfect & beautiful the way she is.) Lauren Bettes is the only one who goes home. That’s okay, as Erin Christine can’t be that long for this world. ZOANETTE IS A STAR.

Handsome Women
Shira Gavrielov / Alisha Dixon / Liz Bills / Courtney Calle

I guess there was some drama with this group but it was boring so I didn’t pay attention. They attempt to sing Goyte. Shira went from dressing like gypsy/Brittany Murphy corpse to Janelle Monae. Liz Bills (Boston!) looks like a barefoot mess but is the only one who makes it through, and with good reason—she was the only one who was remotely well, good. Alisha stomps around like Lori Petti and 16-year-old Courtney Calle is too young/unable to process the emotional punch/ennui of the song. Shira questions them, they feed her usual bullshit. I will likely forget who Shira is by the time I finish this paragraph.

For You
Stephanie Schmiel / Alex Delaney / Kalli Therinae / Holly Miller 

2 hours before their audition, the cute girls canned Total Eclipse of The Heart for Goyte. They think it will be easier. I suspect this is because they are all young and only have cursory knowledge of Bonnie Tyler. While anyone and everyone can probably sing Goyte by heart, it doesn’t make it an “easier” song. And as we’ve seen tonight, nearly every group who tackled it crashed & burned to a significant extent. The “harmony” consists of 3 girls doo-da-dooing while the 4th sings the solo. What is most shocking is that these girls do not seem to know Somebody That I Used To Know by heart.

 

EVEN SOMEONE’S PARENTS IS MORTIFIED. Kalli Therinae appears to be the strongest vocally, but Holly Miller seems to be the only one who knew most of the lyrics. Stephanie Schmiel and Holly make it, which is somewhat confusing but…oh well.

#wronglyrics ANOTHER GODDAMNED HASHTAG
As Nicki pointed out with the last group, everyone is reading lyrics from their hands. A method which doesn’t work because NO ONE REMEMBERS THE LYRICS. And I’m not remembering another hashtag. Nor am I remembering the name of any other bland blond girl because there’s only 15 minutes left and I demand more KEZ BAN.

The Dolly Chicks
Britnee Kellogg / Kree Harrison / Brandy Neelly / Haley Davis

Some blond girl went to bed early. The other girls were pissed. Another blond girl wears a really stupid headband. Haley Davis thinks because she’s cute, she will get through and that its okay to read her hand. Yawn. But when it comes down to it, they were fine. Brandy Neelly just yells stuff. Nicki questions the girls and tells Haley Davis she shouldn’t have gone to sleep with her “stomach virus.” Headband Britnee just looks scary and she makes me feel anxious and I want to run away. However, it all ends up just the way I called it, and Brandy gets to sleep in her own bed or coach seat.  Apparently, Brandy even gets her own goodbye package.

The Misfits
Kez Ban / Angela Miller / Janelle Arthur / Breanna Steer

No one can find Kez Ban. They bitch. They get to the venue. Kez Ban does jumping jacks. Kez Ban opens. Her voice is unlike anything you heard tonight, not that its the greatest voice you ever heard, but its immediately listenable. Breanna Steer—holy shit she’s only 18 and I don’t say that in a good way—is poor molten melisma. I have no idea why Nicki thinks Janelle a star, but I understand her love for “crazy psycho” Kez Ban. Everyone survives to sing another day.

They hug. The end.