After an hour and a half of yoga, I may be zen enough to sit through two hours of American Idol nonplussed, but what fun would that be? Tonight there are two, the final two
tributes, battling it out in the arena Kodak Theatre. District 12 Georgia’s plucky-but-injured Philip Phillips versus an unfeeling career named Jessica Sanchez. I know some of you may want a girl to win it all, since Phil Squared is rather an amalgamate of the previous five WGWG winners — can we go back and just give it to Crystal Bowersox — but couldn’t it have been any other of this season’s female contestants standing here? Perhaps one who have lived a little — or at least doesn’t look like they would cut a snitch. Who is the underdog? The WGWG who sounds a little too much like Dave Matthews and has serious kidney problems? Or the trained-since-birth teenage robot raised on Beyonce and Mariah and has serious kindness-to-people problems?
[The first 10 minutes were not DVR-ed] Phil Phillips — Stand By Me
If the judges want to lambast P2 for eliminating the melody, they could go to town on this one. Digging in more vocally, and sounding raspier while doing so (Does anyone else keep looking to see if the whites of his eyes are jaundiced? And how often does Jessica Sanchez go near any of his food or beverage?), well…this could put Jack Johnson to sleep. Those backup singers look mighty drowsy, no?
It seems we’re not regaled by the judges talking ad nauseum in the immediate post-performance space. It must be killing them, you know. The cameras are likely not showing them playing on their phone. Jennifer Lopez is playing Words With Friends with her little boytoy named after the Friendly Ghost. She only spells JLO or Diva or Lopez or Jenny or Block or Louboutin or Me or ComeBackToMeBenAffleck, so obviously games with Miss Thang don’t get very far.
Oh wait! This is the problem with pausing the DVR. Black Swan La Lopez has a fresh spray tan and when asked to whom she believed took Round 1, she babbles on some nonsense and then Randy has to step in and say, definitively, that Jessica won Round 1. Steven Tyler probably has no idea where he is right now.
Because there is A LOT of time to kill, Jason Derulo (sans neck brace!) + folding chair duet in something called Undefeated which is brought to you from Coca Cola. It’s entirely forgettable, and its really only worth watching to see if Derulo re-injures his neck and to be reminded that once upon a time, Coca Cola launched a brand of clothing and judging by the backup dancers, they may have reached far back into the rectum of 90s nostalgia to bring it on back.
Jessica Sanchez — The Prayer
What the hell song is this? Not only is this another trite as all hell ballad, its called THE PRAYER. They lyrics are mostly indescipherable as Jessica turns melisma into a solid mumble up until the bridge. The song sounds vaguely familiar. Pretty sure I heard it during the previews before they turn the lights down at the movie theater. It is terribly dull and entirely soulless. Listen kid, closing your eyes and yelping real loud does not mean you feel something.
It’s official. I would vote for Lauren Alaina’s MOTHER before Jessica Sanchez. Even Jessica’s tour-mates seem to despise her. That poor Brackensick kid looks in fear of his life! During his brief stay in the Idol Manse, he would likely wake in cold sweats to find Jessica standing over him.
Phil Phillips — Movin’ Out
Phil is doing Billy Joel again, and yes, he has removed the melody. But not as much as Stand By Me…but still gotta give him some credit for doing something different to the song. And Sexy Sax Girl is there but she’s playing the soprano sax, which is the least-cool saxophone. The grittier P2′s voice is, the less sounds like Dave Matthews tonight. And this is a good thing. He’s also giving it a 100% when if TMZ stories are to be believed, he should be doubled over in pain.
Phil Phillips is likely pissing blood. And this is ample reason you should vote for him. Naturally, the judges give him Round 2.
Jessica Sanchez — Change Nothing
This is the song Jessica will record if she wins American Idol. Ironically, its called Change Nothing, exceedingly appropos considering Clove has changed nothing from performance to performance. It is impossible to discern whether or not she or the song is flat. Let’s call both, shall we? It’s a subpar song about being in a relationship no one understands. It would be better if the song was about singing songs the singer doesn’t understand. She clearly believes this is showcasing her “Whitney-like” vocals but its one of the most forgettable of the forgettable Idol coronation songs. Only points go to the fact its not about HAVING FAITH IN BELIEVING IN YOUR INNER SELF BY LOOKING TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
The judges hate the song but then start gushing over how much soul Jessica has — THE BAD SEED HAS NO SOUL. And I just realized this show is ONLY ONE HOUR. Because Idol has to use their 2-hour slot tomorrow. Ahhh. I see. Oh well, less pain tonight, more tomorrow. Anyway, Jessica says if she makes an album its going to be more urban, more HER. How can she make an album more HER when she has no idea who SHE is? Oh, the conundrum!
Phil Phillips — Home
Sharing a name with a recent Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes hit might be a mistake, even as arbitrary as Home is as a title. As far as an Idol coronation song goes — WHOA. This is an Idol coronation song? As far as Idol coronation songs go, this is by far the best I’ve ever seen or heard on this show. Its almost unbelievable. It’s almost…Mumford & Sons. There’s a marching band. GODDAMMIT RANDY. Why did you have to ALSO evoke Mumford & Sons. JLo proves how she’s an idiot by saying there’s nothing on the radio that sounds like it. (Uh, Mumford & Sons) Steven says some canned stuff from his script to prove he is deft with the multisyllabic stuff.
Still a bit in shock as hell, Home could ACTUALLY be a hit. Going through the performance recaps, I’m a bit thankful I missed Jessica’s tired Whitney Houston rendition. When played back to back, it just shows how little performance range she has. Sure, Phil’s three songs are guitar-driven softish rock but his coronation song is seriously the best thing even done in the Idol coronation realm. Shocked, in all actuality, as the bar set for these tunes are pretty damn low (See NO BOUNDARIES).
Phillip and Jessica pretend to like one another. Its sort of painful, but Phillip does a better job with it. The more they let Phillip’s aw shucks shine through, the more of a disservice is done to Jessica Sanchez. He’s more likable the more he talks, and she, well, she…just admit it. She couldn’t sing Call Me Maybe and make it believable. Rebecca Black’s Friday? Nope. Not that one, either. It requires authenticity and frankly, how do you really understand what Friday means when you’ve been homeschooled for your singing career since birth?
Give it to Philip. Not just because he’s pissing blood. (Jessica has probably drawn blood but I should stop saying she would shank anyone who dare cross her path until I have definitive proof. Don’t wanna be starting rumors!) But because he actually just performed the only pretty awesome Idol coronation song ever in the history of the damned show. Did I mention he’s probably pissing blood? VOTE PHILIP PHILLIPS!
But seriously, Phil, if your kidney stones are that bad, PLEASE get surgery as soon as you’re crowned the victor. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not pick up your new Ford.
Scotty McCreery also showed up to sing the goodbye song. He seems like such a nice boy, and Jeremy Rosado was so happy to see him perform. Jeremy Rosado, remember him…no?
Sooooo…who do you think is gonna win?