American Idol 11: Is it over yet? Live Blogging the Top 5

19.09

Jennifer Lopez must now be trying to launch a career in figure skating. What’s with the sheer neckline 5 shades lighter than your skin tone? Michelle don’t Kwanna dance with you.

19.12

If you wonder why Little Steven Van Zandt makes appearances on American Idol when his boss, er, THE BOSS, would never dream of such tomfoolery, it is because his wife is a bit of an obsessive fan for one Mr. Daughtry. She has been reported as saying she finds the Season 5 contestant “more talented than Bruce Springsteen.”

Poor Little Stevie. Worse than getting whacked by Tony Soprano.

19.14

So Little Stevie’s wife withholds sex if he doesn’t go on this show, right? If there is a heaven, right now, the Big Man is looking down and shaking his head.

19.15

All of this being said, I would prefer just watching two hours of Jimmy Iovine and Little Stevie shooting the shit in somewhat coordinating casualwear.

19.22

Writing work email…glancing up. Suspect Idol is throwing us another ridiculous hashtag. #60sOnIdol. Throwing out new hashtags every week, and several during an episode, come on people. And right now, you’re technically showing TWO hashtags on the screen.

19.26

Can people stop singing River Deep Mountain High?! PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE?! I love Tina Turner more than the average human being but please. No more. Just stop.

Hollie could have tackled Bold Soul Sister and showed us some range. Damn. I must really live in a dream world, don’t I?

19.35

Still paused. Hollie, sweetie, that shirt is just…did Tommy Hilfiger put you in that just because Tangerine is this season’s uber-color?

19.37

How does Hollie’s British accent come out more and more every week? Oh gotcha. She’s in LA. Anyway, Hollie’s performance dress would be killer in different colors. But none of this is believable, but can’t really begrudge the kid for trying. Ouch, 1st part of bridge rough. OMG LITTLE WHITE GIRL TRYING TO DANCE LIKE TINA.

19.42

I just want to spoon my Oskar and forget about Ryan Seacrest’s pompadour and Randy Jackson’s weekly Kandi jewelry.

19.45

Please Little Stevie keep telling Jimmy Phil Phillips is okay doing his Dave Matthews schtick. I don’t even like Dave Matthews but this kid has to win this thing. Because a WGWG must always win. This has been ordained by people like the 45-year-old big blond waving around her homemade sign.

19.48

Uh oh. Ryan just outed P2 for having a girlfriend. They really want him out of here. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

19.51

GONNA GO SEE ABOUT A GIRL! Skylar is up! The saving grace of those with a vagina remaining on this show. Giving Skylar CCR’s Fortunate Son was an excellent idea. Anything where she gets to bounce around the stage and be awesome.

19.53

Twitter feed tells me Jessica Sanchez Clove is gonna do Tina Turner’s Proud Mary. Not cool. Not cool.

19.57

Joshua Ledet and Phil Phillips are doing You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling and they are not wearing military whites. Jesus christ idiots in the front row! Do they PAY you do to act like a piss-drunk Sox fan attempting the wave?

This is laughably bad but I’m enjoying it because neither Phil nor Josh give a rat’s ass at this point. It’s like watching most Jimmy Fallon skits on SNL.

20.01

No. They are not scared of singing that song to each other. They are acutely aware of how much this show sucks ass and how it is unnecessarily and painfully an hour too long.

20.03

Little Stevie wanted Jessica to not sing Proud Mary. And then he’s okay with it, so he confuses her by giving some musical math stuff that she does not understand as she has been “home-schooled” her entire life and math was not on her schedule.

20.03

OMG DO NOT EVEN TRY TO DANCE YOU EVIL CHILD!!!

20.03

Please say she sings this song because its all about “hard work.”

20.07

When Jessica Sanchez tries to infuse soul into a song, a kitten dies. Whenever Randy Jackson proves to be the voice of reason, it might be a puppy.

20.08

“Trying to get your inner Tina out?” Right now, I hope Tina is NOT watching.

20.10

Clearly Idol has realized Sexy Sax Girl is a bright spot so they’ve added a lot of tits and ass this season. Here’s hoping its a subtle way to subvert La Lopez.

20.11

Joshua doing The Temptations is a no-brainer. Please say this man never has to do anything else but sing for the rest of his life. Also please have him guest star on 30 Rock as Tracy Jordan’s long-lost younger brother.

20.12

Why do so many WGWG affeciandos fear the P2 so much? They are frightened of his WGWG power.

20.13

Wow Randy. Stop speaking the truth. You are frightening me. Modern mainstream R&B sucks donkey balls. You kind of said it. I am applauding you right now and its not even because I’m overtired.

20.15

None of the judges said Jessica was a standout. They also went all pussy and agreed with one another. It must be a ploy. However, I hope Jessica is in the back playing with a voodoo doll, or sharpening knives, which is what I assume she does in between boasting about her performance and preparing for the next one.

20.18

NEW HASHTAG! #BritsOnIdol

Hollie decides to bust out Simon Cowell protegee Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love. It begins with a heart bursting into hundreds of pieces. Like all of ours when Hollie again does not do something completely unexpected. BE UNEXPECTED. Please go to college and get drunk and skip class a couple of times and have your heart broken and die your hair some not-found-in-nature color. Please just go experience life and sing about something you experience. That is all. Nap time now.

20.24

Thought I was hallucinating, but that was definitely Steven Tyler eating chicken fingers at a Burger King.

20.32

P2 just like honeybadger! Doesn’t give a f**k! Hey, can you blame him when they’re spinning lame tie-dyed kaleidescopes behind him? Those high notes are exquisitely horrible. JLo doesn’t know what to say doesn’t even clap and then blatantly reads her script. Randy says he can sing the melody. Next to Little Stevie, Randy is the standout of tonight’s show.

20.38

Love the fact Hollie and Skylar cannot adequately contain their contempt for Clove.

20.45

Regis and Kelly go to a bank.

20.51

Sing Dusty Skylar sing Dusty…hey, didn’t someone do this a few weeks ago?

20.52

WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE NUZZLING ON A BENCH?!

20.55

If Skylar does win, or even come in second, for chrissake do not make her diet. She is beautiful just the way she is.

20.57

00 says Jessica Sanchez had no idea who Joe Cocker was.

I don’t like the word loungey. I don’t wanna be a lounge singer.

Listen kid, the truth hurts, but that’s just what you are.

20.58

Worst use of LED candles EVER.

20.58

About 10 kittens have died within the first 10 words of the song.

21.02

Yes. B/c every 16-year-old needs embellished stilettos.

21.07

Just have Jimmy and Little Stevie do everything important on this show for now on.

21.09

Wait…this isn’t the Bee Gees. Didn’t someone say he was doing the Bee Gees? Also, why are they spinning kryptonite behind Joshua?

21.10

Because the judges don’t wanna sit there any longer either, they stand up. How many standing ovations have they given the final performance of the night?

21.12

Just like Joshua, I thought it was Tom Jones. I almost want to vote tonight. For Joshua. Because he, too, loves Tom Jones.

21.13

Is it too late for me to write about Kris Allen’s run-in with the law? Because I meant to, I swear.

21.14

Whew. That’s over. Now I can watch Tyra humiliate some innocent young girls.