American Idol 11: Is that a hashtag in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

So I DID NOT get to watch last night’s Top 7 Redeux of American Idol but I read a little about it. That little Parent Trap British Twin did good and Jessica Sanchez didn’t do too hot, so perhaps I should have watched it. Also gathered: Jennifer Lopez was wearing something leftover from The Cell and Randy Jackson spewed some bullshit about this being THE MOST TALENTED TOP 7 EVER. Has there ever been a season Randy did not proclaim the best ever?

Tonight Kris Allen performs his latest single A Vision Of Love, which is not a Mariah Carey cover. It seems Nigel Lythgoe and company also decided to be charitable and HOLY HELL THERE IS TAYLOR HICKS. Somewhere in the back of a paint store, Lee DeWyze patiently waits patiently for his invite.

Last night, 53 million votes were cast. While I did not catch the show because I was busy doing some DIY costume for a party this weekend — I don’t usually do this sort of thing — a realization occurred to me. Why is Hollie Cavanaugh always safe? Bingo. She lives in Texas.

Everyone sings Dancing In The Streets. More and more, I just love this Skylar Laine. As much as I like the fact Jessica Sanchez was totally muffled during her solo. The buckets are nice. Guys who play the buckets are the only ones I ever give money to when I’m walking down the street.

Poor Skylar Laine ALWAYS has to have that Colton Dixon grinding up on her all snake-like as per the producers whims. They also tried to smother The Parent Trap Girl with balloons but she survived. Sanchez is pissed! Sanchez has already bitched her parents out for not moving to some small town in Texas.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO TIME
This has something to do with tripping acid at The Joshua Tree and seeing yourself as an astrological sign. Poor Joshua Ledet looked up and discovered he was SANJAYA. Oh the humanity!

Seacrest asks Hollie something and she starts talking American but then trails off into some sort of semi-Britness. But nice romper! Oh how I love rompers. Tina Fey, if you ever read this blog, btw, please have Joshua Ledet on an episode of 30 Rock where he’s a Tracy Jordan doppelganger. Ok thanks. Anyway, Seacrest calls the both of them up first because they’re BFF and he likes torturing people. Now I’m pretty glad I did not hear Hollie’s Son Of A Preacher Man because it did nothing for me. That’s just not a nice girl song.

Jimmy Iovine is pimping the DRE BEATZ for no explicable reason. Jimmy prefers Joshua to Hollie. I hope he backs this up when Joshua gets booted and gets the guy a record album. But it won’t be this week because shockingly, Joshua is NOT in the Bottom 3. But Hollie is! Texas! You need to keep voting! Hollie has tough-looking family members who will kick your ass. They are not pleased.

Is anyone else bothered by these “Bad Idea” Verizon ads because they completely ripped off the “Bad Idea Jeans” commercial from 1980s SNL?

Before Kris Allen takes the stage, Ryan Seacrest talks to Taylor Hicks. Hicks is tanner than Seacrest. He announces he will be in Vegas this summer. Seacrest mutters something about that’s where Tay Tay belongs. All of it is a bit awkward.

Oh Kris Allen…please don’t get dizzy. They’re spinning you and your piano around pretty fast and I’m worried you might throw up. I also want to smack the person in charge of social media as they are completely incapable of creating a proper hashtag.

Kris Allen is one of my all-time favorite contestants. Kid is a true musician. So please oh please oh please can’t his label start letting him make music that isn’t like, The Fray Revisited? I just can’t get excited over A Vision Of Love even though I like his falsetto. If you see this guy and his band play live, they have a good amount of actual BITE. They can jam. They can have fun. American Idol has always had such a problem with Kris Allen being out and proud with his fun self, ya know? Even three years later, they’re trying their damnest to make him the earnest one. They’re even trying to spin him to the point of dizzy exhaustion before he gets off his rotating stage.

Colton Dixon is faux-brooding during Allen’s performance which is bizarre but understandable since Dixon only wants you to liken him to Daughtry and David Cook. He’s some sort of uh, purist…

Now up to Skylar Laine and Elise Testone. This is gonna be easy, ya know? Skylar has built up too much momentum + she’s got a strong country base. I don’t want to see either of these two girls go home. I don’t recall seeing another female contestant on this show come in with such a commanding FUN stage presence as Skylar Laine. Carrie Underwood sang like a damned stroke victim every week. Elise is screwed because JLo said GOOSIES. Sort of feel like the Alicia Keys song was also pandering. Alicia Keys is just soooo, soooooo, sooooo packaged to be karaoke-d on the American Idol stage.

Jimmy thinks Elise is going to be “spending some time in her vacation home in the bottom 3.” He also said something about Let’s Get It On triggering a baby boom but uh, I thought that was about 20 years beforehand. Elise is just about out of here, which is a shame because she’s got a fantastic voice. Skylar needs to just keep building this momentum because she CAN make the Top 3. And when she’s still standing there and Jessica Sanchez is sent home, I will clap in the privacy of my own living room. Jimmy Iovine says she’s the best performer on the show — who doesn’t wholeheartedly concur?

Seacrest sends Elise to the Bottom 3 which pretty much means she’s going home…The entire send off to the uncomfortable stools was just so damn ominous. Will she? Won’t she? It’s time for LMFAO!

Since LMFAO is just the sons of Motown who decided to make a parody act + last night’s soul theme, I suppose it is apt for a Dick Clark tribute from Ryan Seacrest at this point in the show. He’s already writing his tribute piece for EW’s end of the year issue, no doubt. And Seacrest, really? Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve is the Dick Clark-ness closest to our hearts? Question: Has anyone ever enjoyed Rockin’ Eve outside of a childhood nostalgia context?

I don’t buy the faux-sniffle-tear move, JLo, not one bit. Now can someone tell me if LMFAO sings anything other than Party Rocking? But they might be doing it acoustic or something because it sounds completely different without the autotune. Like are all their songs called Party Rocking? That’s a pretty funny joke if its true. They should do that! They’re just parodying the Black Eyed Peas, right? In that case, they really DO deserve a BETTER HASHTAG. Although they did capitalize Idol this time around — sorry Kris Allen, as you do have a handful of butt-hurt fans who will internalize this, and you still have those passive-aggressive Glamberts still following your each & every move and they’ll point this out all passive-aggressively in the comments section at MJs or in the headache-inducing (Who does UX for Sony? Call them for me, too.) AdamOfficial.com. (In reality, someone just made a typo when they did the chryon. Don’t hurt them! Don’t send them black eyeliner and For Your Entertainment, either. )

Does American Idol even realize that you DO NOT HAVE TO HASHTAG EVERY INSTANCE OF THE SHOW? Perhaps this is an “easy way” to measure what people are talking about but you’re not going to get clear metrics because most Twitter users will completely disregard this hashtag. You’re forcing people to just load up 140 characters with annoying hashtags rather than simply using a tool to discern sentiment of your existing tweets mentioning the show. With all the money this show makes, purchasing software that pulls this information should be exceedingly simple. Aren’t you more curious to see what people are saying about your show outside of the hashtag — also considering some of these hashtags literally have a lifespan of about 20 minutes total. Keep your #telljimmy. That works. That’s weekly. Not a huge fan but at least you are consistent and sometimes I do use it. If you’re going to introduce an a secondary hashtag, that one is solid.

Seriously. You are American Idol. You might suck but you are still somewhat of a slick money-making machine with millions of viewers every week. You should have an effective social media strategy in play. Creating numerous hashtags for a single show should not be part of said strategy.

LMFAO is either a Black Eyed Peas tribute band or an actual parody act. Still not sure.

It is now down to Colton, Phil Phillips, and Jessica Sanchez. Regardless of how few people voted for her, Clove won’t be in the Bottom 3 after last week’s overwrought [see: staged] save. With the exception of Sexy Sax Girl on P2′s In the Midnight Hour, the whole thing kind of sucked, especially this misuse of classic neon signage in the background. Colton Dixon should just be sent home immediately for turning Bad Romance into a Daughtry B-Side and turning Earth, Wind & Fire into a David Cook number. All of his performances sound alike just as Phil’s do, just admit it.

Naturally, Jessica Sanchez did Alicia Keys’ Fallin‘ and she wore her hair wavy in a pathetic attempt to appear more relatable. Jimmy says he just now realized Clove is singing songs too old her for — really? Really? YOU JUST NOW CAUGHT THAT? After she sang a beyond tired Alicia Keys song about loving a man in prison? (Didn’t an 8-year-old David Archuleta also sing this song on Star Search?) Just now? Not after Whitney Houston’s ode to letting a lover go? Not after…all of Jessica Sanchez’s performance?

Jessica Sanchez has likely never sang an “age-appropriate” song because no one does that for pageants. Of course Jessica is safe. As is…Phil Phillips!! Colton Dixon, you are in the BOTTOM 3!!! Jesus does not like you as much as you thought, buddy! Because Jesus doesn’t like Daughtry music.

Maybe there IS a Flying Spaghetti Monster because Elise is NOT IN THE BOTTOM 2! Colton could go home! Colton could go home! A week ago, people were proclaiming him the winner and that P2 lost steam. Hahahahahahahahaha. Not happening, but as Idol will do anything to proclaim a female the winner, I buy anything they allege counted by Price-Waterhouse to be an absolute sham. Colton has been too damn cocky and he winks at the audience. People get freaked out when a rooster winks at them without a context. Perhaps people get tired of the cocky eye-f**king ones around this time.

Colton’s poor sister Schyler is in the audience crying, when she should be jumping for joy after all the times this show shit on her. Colton looks shocked and pissed. He apologizes for “not being himself last night.” Oh come on. You were too cocky. And you called your fans #messengers. I am not sorry you um, are leaving in SEVENTH PLACE.

Skylar Laine is flat-out thrilled right now because she doesn’t have to worry about you dry humping her leg until the last show of the season. Poor Hollie is sobbing because she has no idea how the hell she’s still there. All the while Colton Dixon leaves us on his knees, pleading with America to make him the next…Daughtry.