American Idol 11: Top 10 Warble Billy Joel

For some explicable reason, P. Diddy is mentoring American Idol’s Top 10 contestants as they take on songs by…Billy Joel. And Tommy Hilfiger is dressing them. What the hell is this? 1997? And for chrissake, if Jennifer Lopez has the power to single-handedly destroy what remains of TV advertising, can’t she prevent Nigel Lythgoe and company from putting an ex-boyfriend on the show? Sure, its been years, but hell, I often avoid entire townships my exes reside in. But P. Diddy is P. Diddy he probably won’t pull a gun on anyone yet the saddest part about tonight’s debacle remains the fact we can’t get La Lopez handcuffed to a police bench — a la 1997. (Trivia: She asked NYPD cops for cuticle cream. Of course she denies it.)

I’ve gotten to tonight’s show late and judging from my Twitter feed, I SHOULD just forgo the whole damn thing and fast forward to Heejun Han’s performance, but goddammit, I have INTEGRITY. And I just want to eat some damned vegetables, but that’s neither here nor there.

To be honest, I didn’t watch well, more than 10 minutes of last week’s episode(s). The former Cardinals’ daughter Shannon Magrane went home which is awesome because now she might like, go to college or something. She didn’t need to go on tour. She needs to take AP classes.

So is Billy Joel in a drunk tank on Long Island or something? Why is P. Diddy doing this? What the hell does P. Diddy know about Billy Joel?

Deandre Brackensick
Only The Good Die Young 

Tommy Hilfiger made Deandre take his hair down. BIG MISTAKE. I almost like Deandre a couple of weeks ago when he pulled his hair back. Since ALL THE DAMN SHOWS will be TWO FRAKING HOURS this season, I guess this stylist nonsense is just excruciating filler. Come on. Like all of this isn’t already insufferable.

I actually always liked Only The Good Die Young. I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints / the sinners have much more fun was a favorite lyric during my teenaged years. P. Diddy references Joel being with Christy Brinkley which makes zero sense since Only The Good Die Young was released in the 70s, before Joel married Brinkley. Deandre seems to have no clue who Billy Joel or Christy Brinkley are. His outfit is atrocious, really, Tommy, really? Sunglasses places casually on the crewneck? His voice isn’t really up to snuff and everything is just boring. Perhaps he should concern himself with singing and not grapevining around the stage, I dunno.

Deandre, I can’t hate this kid. I would take him signing any day over the judges’ useless banter and useless “criticism.” How can you even take seriously what a man wearing some Saturday Afternoon @ Michael’s Crafts project on his lapel says? And Steven, hell, you didn’t even offer an opinion whatsoever. JLo, well, she just tousled her hair and compared the young Mr. Brackensick to Bob Marley.

Ford just homaged Black Swan in an ad for the 2013 Mustang. Anyway…

Erika van Pelt
New York State Of Mind

I like Erika. I would like to remember her name next year and that might not happen, but she’s all proud Rhode Island-er and suggests she may be pissing off Red Sox Nation so locality alone makes me kind of dig her. Then this goes into ANTM territory when Tommy Hilfiger instructs Erika to chop her hair off and then holy hell, there’s some Adam Lambert impersonator on my television screen.

You know me, I’m all for going darker but honey, oh honey, this aged you considerably. You don’t look bad, but you went from 27 to Kris Jenner. And your rendition of New York State Of Mind would have put me to sleep if I was behind the wheel on the GW.

Some people in the audience got free candy bars and Kohl’s Gift Certificates for screaming out how much they loved JLO during her “critique.” Or they were just trying to save the viewers from listening to this nonsense. There must be something in these people’s contracts that JLO always has to say the most words. And yeah, Steven Tyler, just get back on the sauce. Get a handler or minder or something to make sure you don’t go overboard. Just get back on the sauce. Be interesting. SOMETHING.

In 24 hours, I’ll be about 25 minutes away from seeing The Hunger Games. Should I make kale and goat cheese sandwiches on pita or would that be too cosplay?

Joshua Ledet
She’s Got A Way 

Tommy Hilfiger wants Joshua in a tuxedo. He has never heard this song before. Joshua went with his original all-black rather than caving to Tommy’s penguin suit whims.

Joshua’s rendition seems to suffer from mis-arrangement at the beginning. The swaybots, smoke and WTF chandelier graphic accoutrements are just all TOO DAMN MUCH. It’s almost a relief when Joshua’s backup singers gospel choir come sauntering on stage. Joshua was boring, but everyone has been boring. He was good, its just that everything is so boring.

Jennifer Lopez talks too damn much. Can’t someone just get her a talk show where she converses with a cardboard box or something? Steven Tyler alluded to not knowing this song? Very confused. Someone fix his teleprompter.

(So on Glee they kill someone and they’re playing Gyote while that Lea Michele cries into her Juvaderm? Soooo glad I don’t watch that nonsense.)

Skylar Laine
Shameless

If anyone even goes ga-ga over Skylar Laine’s COUNTRYFIED take on Shameless, please remind them this is NOT original but from a GARTH BROOKS ALBUM. I want to hate Skylar but she doesn’t even look like herself without makeup and she thinks Tommy Hilfiger is one of the world’s biggest fashion designers. She’s all naive backwoods but she can verbalize complete sentences, so I like her. I hope she doesn’t go all Kellie Pickler.

Laine has a bit of a rocky start but who can blame her, all awkwardly perched between two clueless dudes pulled from the floor for that sole purpose. The balloon skirt does NOTHING for her figure. No one should wear those, let alone someone who is not 5’11″ and a Size 2.

Props to Skylar for acknowledging this as a Garth Brooks song when Randy namechecks Brad Paisley. Sure, lots of people have probably sang this Billy Joel number but whatevs, Garth Brooks did it first.

Elise Testone
Vienna

Elise Testone is probably my favorite SINGER of the season. Let’s face it, she’s not long for this world as only old women vote for young guys on this show–but why not hope for a triumphant surge to the Top 3 a la Haley Reinhart? Come on, Jimmy & Diddy, you really think its all in how she holds her mic? And Tommy, you think she wears too many layers? GOOD FOR YOU to look at him with suspect eyes. He words say one thing, her eyes say another. Which is why she put those bell bottoms on the rack. YOU GO GIRL.

I love her. That is all. Elise gets to bring two of her vocal students on stage and I think I love her even more.

Meanwhile, in Canada, Paige Michelchuk Tweets about loving Phil Philips. Yes I know I spelled that wrong but its after midnight and I don’t want to waste any more time on this damn show than needed.

Phil Philips
Movin’ Out

Oh Seacrest, quit playing the whole pawn shop worker card. Tommy Hilfiger doesn’t want Phil Squared to wear gray because they won’t vote for someone who wears gray James Perse (Does Hilfiger own James Perse?) Diddy wants him to stop dancing. There are groupies in the room.

Phil wears gray. He plays his guitar. The background graphics remind me of the only Timbuktu video I’ve ever seen except no one is wearing shades. Phil slows down the Joel classic a bit, makes it bluesy, does his Phil thing. Don’t even tell me he won’t win the whole damn thing, therefore, it is not necessary to hear JLO or any of the other dimwits talk. Steven tells him not to listen to those who tells him to not be him and gives him his sparkly scarf. This is the edgiest thing Steven Tyler has done on this show besides ogling teenaged girls. (Seacrest then has him toss said scarf to a cadre of teenaged girls, so I guess everyone wins.)

Hollie Cavanaugh
Honesty

I can’t remember this girl or how to spell her name for the life of me, but the judges think she’s the greatest thing since Birdy Sanchez. She’s wearing a sequined bustier and talks in every dialect of every British colony. Why is she wearing a pantsuit when you’re telling her not to dress like a grandmother. Hollie is also very misguided with this whole SEQUINS SEQUINS SEQUINS thing. Whether or not she embraces the disappointment and anger of the song is anyone’s guess but she should really go with Cruise Director Julie suffering from the Norovirus at this point since the pantsuit, while definitely not horrible, just does not go with her modern-day Haley Mills aesthetic.

Honesty = blowing the petals from an aged Dandelion, according to the Idol VJs. Can I even call them VJs? Forgettable performance. Still haven’t seen evidence of her being this “grand singer” the judges speak of. Poor kid has to stand there in that sequin bustier and listen to La Lopez blow smoke up her ass, punctuated with her trademark condescending baby.

Heejun Han
My Life 

FINALLY! I’ve been waiting all night for this! But before the games begin, let’s say hi to HALEY REINHART! Tomorrow night she’s performing Free. Good for Haley. I still love that girl.

Anyway, onto Heejun. Naturally, Oskar has curled up between my laptop and me to watch this blessed event. Heejun says he was heartbroken after being told he sucks last week, but I think he may have been playing, I dunno. He gets a hug from Diddy, who is all suspect:

I don’t know if he’s an actor…or a con man…hell, I don’t even know if he’s Asian.

Heejun claims he looks up to Jessica Sanchez, Madonna, and Michael Bolton as fashion icons. Tommy Hilfiger thinks he’s TESTING him. Oh Heejun, why do you make it SO DAMN EASY for me to LOVE you.

I WANNA DANCE.

He strips off his tuxedo to reveal ALL of the clothes he wanted to wear. FINALLY! Heejun doesn’t do a ballad. This is the greatest thing I’ve seen on American Idol since Nick Mitchell. Why can’t everyone try and have fun like this? THIS IS FUN. I AM ENTERTAINED. And quite honestly, his vocals aren’t bad — this was a PERFORMANCE. A legit PERFORMANCE.

And hell, Jennifer Lopez can’t lecture people on signing while running around since she lip syncs to her autotune while running around. Steven Tyler asks him if he’s happy he took the piss out of that song and tells him to start taking this seriously. Really, Steven? Really? That’s the closest thing to a pan I’ve heard you do outside the audition rounds.

Heejun also namechecks Sean John. And says he had no idea how big the stage was until he ran around it. Oh Heejun, I love you.

Jessica Sanchez
Everybody Has A Dream 

Despite Heejun’s alleged admiration of Miss Sanchez’s fashion sense, this kid just exudes evil. Diddy gives her some useful advice but I tune it out because this pageant child bores me to tears. If people give Elise Testone hell for doing an “obscure” Billy Joel song, what about Jessica Sanchez? More people know Vienna than this song. (And as noted by E! Online, Jessica Sanchez had never heard of Billy Joel.)

Technically fine. If you like that sort of thing. Bombastic big notes. Zero personality. All of Clive Davis’ favorite things. The judges give her a standing ovation and she plays that demure humble card and you can’t not call BULLSHIT.

Colton Dixon
Piano Man

Wouldn’t you know it? The season’s resident piano player is closing out the show with Piano Man, arguably Joel’s career-defining song. Tommy Hilfiger wants his outfit to dictate his image this week and then determine what happens to the hair. Naturally, this pisses Colton off, how Tommy DISCREDITS his hair. It’s probably the best advice Tommy has given! But its okay, Diddy and Jimmy just LOVE it. They say he’s made it is own, which frankly, seems pretty damn impossible to do. Piano Man is kind of iconic and this is just some kid with rooster hair on a red Yamaha piano surrounded by strobe lights on a karaoke show.

I don’t really hate this, but there’s really no reason to ever say, go out and buy it. Colton has some Jesus-flavored tard signs waving for him in the audience, you know the kind, with psalms Sharpie-d on neon poster board. Jennifer Lopez says he gave her GOOSIES. She saved her single utterance of DIDDY until the end, granted, he wasn’t even Diddy when they were together. He was Puffy. She should have said PUFFY just for some extra space in the gossip rags.

Colton said something about G-d and that’s my cue! And that’s also Deandre’s cue since he’s totally going home this week.