American Idol 11: Top 13 Guys Sing A Bunch Of Ballads

So tonight is the big night, eh? Not only will we discover who this elusive 13th male contestant is, American Idol goes live. So who will deny their first nip slip? Jennifer Lopez or Steven Tyler? All I know is that Heejun Han’s Twitter account is by far the most entertaining thing we’ve seen all season.

(PLEASE TELL ME WHO JLO’S AGENT IS. WHY IS SHE STILL WORKING? WHY WAS SHE PRESENTING ON THE OSCARS? WHY? WHY? WHY?)

Whoa. Seems Idol invested in a new stage, which was a pretty good idea considering that old one was a bit creaky and dangerous even back in oh, 2009. The gold tones seem to coordinate well with Ryan Seacrest’s hair and Jennifer Lopez’s spray tan, the latter of which is probably why there are a bunch of gold tones. Randy Jackson is wearing something that seemingly acts as a popped collar and a neck brace.  It is not gold.

Reed Grimm
Moves Like Jagger
Reed Grimm is from Wisconsin and talks about dirty diapers and cheese curds. From the first few notes sounded by the new American Idol band, I am confounded by this jazz rendition that is straight up lounge. Grimm seems to have an itchy ballsack, because he’s gyrating on stage like he needs to scratch the scrotum and he scats like he needs to scratch that shit. And then he gets on some drums and to quote Towelie after a couple good bong hits, I have no idea what’s going on. 

The judges lavish praise on Mr. Grimm. He gets points for the god-awful dancing and need-to-crap faces. And getting bleeped for singing ass isn’t bad. Reed Grimm. You’re not dead to me. Now go wash your damn nuts with some Dr. Bronner’s.

Adam Brock
Think 
Meet Adam Brock. He seems to have the life Danny Gokey would have had had his first wife not died. And since he’s been told there’s “a large black woman living inside of him,” he’s singing Aretha Franklin. But the biggest mystery is why this man has a scarf hanging out of the back of his pants. The judges add nothing of any consequence that could not be summed in Brock’s family’s Brock On and Brock The Vote signs. They keep heaping praise and music-y buzzwords, i.e., blue-eyed soul. La Lopez tells him how he has to finish with a big note, something she knows nothing about, given that she really can’t sing. If she really wants to HELP THESE GREAT KIDS, Jenny From The Block should just make her agent hire them because then they’ll never be out of work again. That agent is a damned miracle worker.

Deandre Brackensick
Reasons
This 17-year-old boy is standing on my TV singing Earth Wind & Fire. He basically sings really high and flips his hair a lot. It is entirely boring, but yeah, the kid can sing, not my style, but the kid can sing. He just cannot BREATHE. He’s all out of breath trying to get it all out. But what makes it really weird is that he looks like a sort of Kate Capshaw-Tokio Hotel-Milli Vanilli hybrid. Of course, the judges heap tons of praise, particularly that Lopez woman. Randy Jackson throws out more buzzwords, you are so commercial, then you bust out the big chest note. Oh Randy, stop curating buzzwords.

Colton Dixon
Decode
Looks like a skunk. Loves Jesus too damn much. Plays really bad music by former male Idol contestants way too much. Colton Dixon would have to like, save Oskar from a burning building for me to not think he’s absolute shizer. He says this is gonna be a real departure because everyone is used to seeing him at a piano but he starts at something that looks a lot like a piano. Dixon’s Paramore cover never really takes off. He’s a bit drowned out by the music and the arrangement goes NO WHERE. Not even the judges can…can they?

Now is the time on Idol where we need a little indie alt rocker singing Paramore, dude.

Oh Randy Jackson. Oh Randy Randy Randy Randy Randy. Anyway, just learned this song is from Twilight so I guess Colton Dixon might stick around a bit longer. And this was a really big risk for him because apparently, he never leaves the security of his piano bench.

Jeremy Rosado
Gravity 
I find it rather difficult OMG WAS THAT A STUFFED LITTLE PONY ON THE FLOOR to hate on this kid. He just looks so damn nice. And he works the front desk of a health clinic. Hey, when I was getting burn treatments, I spent more time with the front desk guy than any doctor. A smile and a little friendliness goes a long way in the clinical setting. Anyway, Rosado is doing Sara Baricanneverspellherlastname, which is like 2 steps up from say, singing K.T. Tunstell, and you know what bucket he’s gonna be thrown into should he survive this week — the lovable round r&b singer — so let’s just let him sing what he actually sings while he can sing it. It is lovely, I guess, as far as American Idol ballads go. But it still sounds like something sung by someone on American Idol.

The judges are all over him. I start tuning it out once JLo addresses him with JerBear. It is also not until Seacrest throws up his voting deets that I realize Jeremy’s shirt says Brooklyn and not Snooki.

HUNGER GAMES TRAILER HUNGER GAMES TRAILER

Carry on.

Something about a Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony finding Hispanic people show. Ooooh. Scandalous. They divorcing. How does this bitch get so much work? Followed by…back at the judges’ table and something about a a tapas or topless bar and a baby.

Aaron Marcellus
Never Can Say Goodbye
Aaron! Noooo! This song effectively killed off that sweet Puerto Rican boy a few seasons back. Maybe you’re more familiar with the material and hey, I am actually digging your jacket. I like this guy.  Something about him I don’t know if I can put my finger on exactly, but he seems to have a good energy about him. (Christ. That must be the yoga talking.) And his performance was decent, too. Naturally, J. Lo makes her “critique” about how SHE fought for him. She may be an even greater narcissist than the Queen of All Reality TV Judge Narcissists Tyra Banks.

Chase Likens
Stormwarning
I have no idea who this guy is, or I had no idea who he was until he was given his pass to get to the live show. He is in college! Good! Don’t drop out, Chase Likens, ok? This guy is proficient at the contemporary country-western thing. His voice matches his looks and body, which is a departure from last year’s winner Scotty McCreery, and he does a fun little elementary twirl over some bussed-in-from-USC-sorority-girls’ heads

You gotta a kind of Brendan Frasier The Mummy look about you. You’re gonna set America’s hearts on fire…a lot of mummies at home…are gonna love you.

Hey, Steven Tyler, before you tell anyone they look like Brendan Fraser, look at this:

And then BITE YOUR TONGUE. Because that’s just downright CRUEL.

Pretty much the entire judges’ portion of their entire “critique” proves this entire show is scripted. But I might vote for this kid if he like, sang The Grundy County Auction. Why has that NEVER been performed on American Idol? It can’t be THAT hard to get the rights.

Creighton Fraker
True Colors
By all accounts, Creighton Fraker looks like he might be either insanely fun or annoying enough to kill. I might lean more towards the former if he didn’t have a Constantine Maroulis face. But Fraker is interesting, or could be. I started watching this with the intention of absolutely loathing it but by golly gee, it ain’t that bad. This one needs to keep playing up his “friendship of Dorothy.” Come on, Idol. Didn’t you get the memo? The Voice is all about letting contestants let their rainbow flags fly.

The judges keep lamenting about the fact 6 guys are going home this week = Deal with it Creighton Fraker, you’re not long for this world.

Ok. I am horrified. Eddie Murphy is in a movie about an idea I’ve thought about since I was a very young child — that life would end once you spoke “your allotted word limit.” Not that I think I have original ideas still…its an Eddie Murphy movie that’s the horrifying part. I am more horrified by this than the fact there have been commercials between every singer.

Phil Phillips
In The Air Tonight 
Here’s your winner. No point in dragging out the competition. Hell, you already have frauen comparing you to Paul Newman, Jude Law, and Heath Ledger. AND you play a guitar.

And by the time you finish the first line of the Phil Collins’ classic — OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE PHIL SINGING PHIL — it is abundantly clear that they should just give this guy the crown and not bother with the rest of the season. Hell, we already know he has a much larger vocabulary than your cousin Phil DeWheezy so I mean, how is this even not gonna happen? He is every male Idol winner since 2008 all in one. The judges even basically say so. Randy Jackson compares him to Dave Matthews and throws out INDIE again even though he tells him “to stick with the melody.” That’s soooo cute. They’re trying to make this happen. They’re trying to make people vote because he’s not going anywhere. They’re inciting you. Don’t you know that by now?

Eben Franckenwitz
Set Fire To The Rain
Ohhh. Poor kid looks so nervous and awkward. And the vocals are so not up to snuff. Watch Eben’s Idol dreams GO UP IN FLAMES. Alas. Kid should have held out for next year. But now he can get this over with and go back to school and make something of himself. Give this kid a few years, who knows…maybe he’ll magically reappear on the public radar again. The judges basically congratulate him for getting on TV. And when I look at Eben a little closer, I realize he kind of resembles Adam Lambert before he started blacking his hair and wearing pancake makeup.

Heejun Han
Angels 
YESYESYESYESYES I love this guy. Imagine if he had some amazing back story where his grandparents had like, escaped from North Korea or something. And he says his mom can’t sing or dance. He’s just…its like he gets what a joke this show is. And he gets how Asians are depicted in oh hell, every Asian stereotype.

This is one of my least-favorite songs of all time and I so don’t care because Heejun is singing it. And because Heejun is wearing glasses with no lenses. Heejun just better make it to the Top 12/13-whatever-the-hell-it-is. There are rumblings Mr. Han is some crazy Christian fundie (He’s actually Presbyterian. I always thought they were just all around dull people that lived in the suburbs and only did it missionary style. Do Presbyterians do the fundie thing now?) and maybe he did sing a song about Angels but he didn’t mention Jesus and his interpretation kind of said angels were like, inside us all or something.

Heejun comes in at a very special time in pop culture. Asian-Americans doing “unexpected things” like oh, singing, and um, playing basketball real good is now totally en vogue. The fact this is even a “thing” is sad but true.

Joshua Ledet
You Pulled Me Through
Never a fan of when contestants sing original songs by former successful contestants. And to be honest, I couldn’t even tell you a Jennifer Hudson outside that Dreamgirls one I never want to hear again. Which is no fault of hers whatsoever. It’s just so damn overdone. Jennifer Hudson is probably one of the best things to come out of this show and well, they didn’t even keep her on that long so it just proves how great she is.

Joshua can sing his face off. Like I said before, he’s a casualwear Jacob Lusk. This guy can really sing. Holy hell. Yeah. He can sing. Even if he doesn’t get voted in tomorrow night, the judges are bringing him back. Its also really great how Jennifer Lopez starts talking about how God gave him that voice and I find myself unable to stop staring at the tiny gold cross she’s wearing…on it’s side. Joshua also says something about “family struggle.” He knows how to play the game.

I understand doing “the big reveal” at the end of the show but you’re also giving this 13th person the coveted pimp spot of the night. And it really should come as no surprise to discover the 13th person is…Jermaine Jones.

Jermaine Jones
Dance With My Father
This song’s subject matter is beautiful but as a song, meh. And remember, it was written by Richard Marx! We don’t see enough of that guy these days. But this song is all about getting another walk, another chance, and while American Idol isn’t exactly your father, Jermaine gets another chance to sing Luther Vandross. And sing he can. And come on, when do the judges ever come down on a big-voiced man of color singing Luther?

With Jermaine’s return, this probably doesn’t bode very well for Aaron Marcellus, as hell, when was the last time you remember three African-American men in the final 12? And Deandre, Joshua, and Jermaine might fill the American Idol quota — unless they think stacking the deck with black men will get them their elusive female victor. They’re many things but stupid, only in some capacities. They know who’s voting for this shit show.

Who’s going back to the world in obscurity? Who’s staying? Some of it may be a little close.

MAYBE going home: Eben Franckenwitz, Creighton Fraker, Adam Brock, Jeremy Rosado, Aaron Marcellus

MAYBE staying: Joshua Ledet, Deandre Brackensick, Chase Likens, Reed Grimm, Colton Dixon

DEFINITELY staying: Phil Phillips, Heejun Han, Jermaine Jones

I miss anyone? Let’s end on a positive note: I genuinely like Ryan Seacrest’s three-piece suit. That is all. AND PICTURES TO COME! I SWEAR!