American Idol 11 Final Judgement: Put Them Out Of Their Misery (and all of us watching, too)

It may almost be 11pm but hey, credit where credit is due. I showed up to this dog & pony show two nights in a row! Dewb just asked me how American Idol could do two straight nights with no singing but I didn’t have an answer for him. Sorry dude. You got me. I don’t make the show. I only occasionally blog about it.

Starting right where we left off, midway through the Stasi-like interrogation of Adam Brock. None of this is pleasant. Not even when they finally reveal he’s made it. I don’t understand how this yes-we-know-you-have-a-baby-girl guy didn’t piss himself during that entirely painful display of “entertainment.”

Jeremy Risotto
Jeremy is the kind of contestant I will always talk about being oh-so-nice and sweet but then never like their performances because their entire repertoire will be treacley ballads that cause Randy and Countess Elizabeth Bathroy Lopez to throw out Luther comparisons. Hell, Ms. From The Block even called him transcendent. Jennifer Lopez speaking Whitman is almost as laughable as that time she was engaged to Ben Affleck. (NEVER FORGET.)

Shannon Magrane
Top 16. Ayla Brown 2.0. 0 doubt. But let’s talk to her parents again so we can bring up the whole Steven Tyler calling her hot, humid, and happening.

Scott Dangerfield
Vaguely remember this kid from last season. He should probably just get into Xenu and be Tom Cruise’s stand-in or something. Look at the deliberate-yet-unintentional feather. Since Scott withdrew from the competition last year, they fully intend on telling him he didn’t make it. Nothing gives them more pleasure because after all, why WOULDN’T you want to be on American Idol?

Skylar Laine
What aspiring young female country singer doesn’t want to sing a song about becoming a glorified hooker? Exactly.
Dewb (& Me…in unison): New Reba? NO.
But yes. She makes it. If my mother was watching this she would comment

Hallie Day
Stop bleaching your hair woman.

Chase Likens
Who the hell is this guy? Either cannon fodder or Top 5. Also has a great name for gay porn or football.

Aaron Marcellus
JOhLoYouDidn’t wants him to know she fought for him really hard again and this year she won. Please oh please can Tyra Banks and Jennifer Lopez have a Narcissist Off. I brought it. No I brought it. No I want you to know I brought it. 

You should stop watching American Idol and look at these photos of Japan in The Atlantic.

De’Andre Brackensack
Falsetto. Not my thing. But I really don’t want them to dismiss him at the same point in the game for the second year in a row. If he sticks around awhile, he can also duet with Aaron Neville on the finale or something.

Jermaine Jones
Speaking of Aaron Neville, Jermaine sang for his life in some of Aaron Neville’s clothing. Seacrest seemed to be asking him about his gout but it turns out he said doubt. Hmmm…is it just me or are they stacking the deck with men of color this season? More so than usual? Yes? No? Is this part of their desperate plan to finally give another blond girl the title? They really think they’re gonna get rid of the WGWGs? Poor Jermaine. He’s going through a worse hell than that Danny Gokey-looking character with the infant daughter in those damned headbands. COMMERCIAL BREAK CLIFFHANGER.

Dewb: Why are they dragging things out this long? It is so unnecessary.

Really? Really? Oh we love you but we have to say goodbye you come back next year you hear. This isn’t even watchable. The judges can’t even say their lines with conviction. And the way its edited, well, you can tell they’re gonna make La Lopez the instigator of this upcoming “plot twist.”

Some other blond girl vs. Arielle Something I Don’t Remember vs. Hollie Cavanaugh
Do the flying Coke bubbles ever give anyone seizures? And how is this Hollie Cavanaugh girl not the same person as Hallie Day? WHY ARE ALL THE GIRLS WEARING SEQUINS. Sequined pants? No. Don’t even try. The mini dress. The top. The miniskirt. Yes. The pants. Oh hell no. That’s as bad as the necklaces Randy wears.

David Leathers vs. Eben Frankewiscz
They let these poor kids sit there for 12 f**king hours? Have a feeling even though the white kid has Bieber hair, Little Leathers is the one who gets in because all those damn Jackson comparisons. And hell, he played it to his advantage by  doing the Jackson 5 classic I Want You Back. Plus Evan is only 15, David “I’ll Steal Your Girl” Leathers is 17. But I can’t hate on these kids. They’re adorable and can’t they just both NOT make it? Can’t they both just not make it and go onto college and have a nice life and…

Look at these two little angels right here. — Jennifer The Devil Lopez

Dewb: He’s not 14?

Wow. They took the white kid who can’t even get a driver’s license in a Southern state.

Dewb: Who’s going?
Me: The white kid.
Dewb: OH COME ON. THAT IS BULLSHIT.

AND THERE IS ANOTHER GUY IN THE COMPETITION SO THAT THERE ARE 13. ZOMG. Either Cowboy Richie, Jeremy Keyser (aka the guy who looks like he plugs fugly girls’ cranberry & vodkas with GHB), Jermaine Jones, or David Leathers. AND WE WILL FIND OUT TUESDAY.

Sorry, Steven Tyler. Even you stripping down and getting into the lazy river isn’t even amusing at this point. Wow. And look at all those annoying teenaged girls they’ve chosen for the Top 24? Here’s hoping the country ones go home, although I have a feeling we’ll have to suffer through Baylie Brown and Skyler Laine for a while. Sigh.

I just want more Heejun Han dammit. I am even pledging to vote for him come Tuesday night. Just realized I even have AT&T now — POWER TEXTING FOR HEEJUN HAN FTW THUD SQUEE. DO YOU THINK HE AND PHIL PHILLIPS ARE ROOMMIES?

Just kidding. But I probably will throw him a few text votes.