Tonight, I’ll be live blogging The 54th Grammy Awards! I tend not to watch the Grammys with any sort of consistency, but they sometimes have a few worthwhile performances and oh yeah, it seems someone who won a bunch of Grammys died yesterday. Did you hear anything about that? It was that lady who spawned the notion of a female singer only being great if she can just stand there and wail as high as she can, spawning thousands of soulless wannabes singing trite & tepid ballads across the land, particularly on American Idol. Yes, yes. It’s tragic that Whitney Houston died at the heartbreakingly young age of 48, but this didn’t really rip me in the gut like Amy Winehouse’s demise.
Just remember kids, every time another talented troubled actor or singer dies unexpectedly, Lindsey Lohan successfully crashes another party and scores another gram.
So apparently they give out all The Grammys before the actual show and I don’t have time to watch that part, but we’ll be here for the main event!
Skrillex has already won THREE Grammys: Best Dance/Electronic Album, Best Dance Recording, and Best Remix Recording. You guys all know he hasn’t been a real-real DJ/Producer in awhile now, right? Ok good. Just checking.
Leading off with Springsteen? The only way in hell you’re gonna top this is Adele.
This song isn’t that good but its still Springsteen. That’s all that matters.
Just take your shirt off LL Cool J.
They got all religious and people wore ridiculous dresses.
You know you have an eating disorder when you’re dwarfed by your fake eyelashes Carrie Underwood.
Please don’t let Taylor Swift sing. Please don’t.
How long until Bruno Mars is chosen to star in a remake of La Bamba?
“Get off your rich asses and have some fun.” — Bruno Mars, being accurate.
I’m not defending Chris Brown but Bruno Mars just cited James Brown by name in his performance and he beat a lot of women. How is one ok and the other not? Because James Brown never backhanded a Grammy-nominate/winning singer?
Marc Anthony is there! And he looks healthier than ever before. Because Jennifer Lopez is no longer drinking his blood. Good for him.
Do I want another slice of pizza?
CBS Cares Colostomy Sweepstakes?
Saying it for the 30th time: Alicia Keys is one of those things that’s really good on paper and THE MOST BLAND DULLEST NOTHING in reality.
Etta James tribute by Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys? Are we gonna preface everything tonight by making it about Whitney Houston? Just make sure Ms. Winehouse gets her proper memorial. Ok, thanks.
Best Solo Pop Performance has gotta be…that was easy. Now let’s just hand Adele all of them now, shall we?
“How are they mapping that stage?” — Dewb
You’re really gonna learn how to “be a better dad” by finding a video on Google?
I hope Fergie pees herself.
Come on, Nicki Minaj + Wheelchair Jimmy! Not to be. Jay-Z and Kayne West.
When do they give Blue Ivy Carter her Grammy?
KELLY CLARKSON! And this Jason Aldean person who I thought was Blake Shelton but who the hell knows, they all wear cowboy hats.
Skrillex looks exactly like Corey Feldman.
Also this: http://catsthatlooklikeskrillex.tumblr.com/
Be right back. Gonna go piss on dubstep’s grave now that it’s done a commercial with Jennifer Lopez.
So tonight I proposed something on Twitter and a bunch of people got into it (i.e., RT-ed my ass). But you gotta admit, it is a REALLY good idea, no?
Kelly Clarkson and Adele should do an acoustic remake of “The Boy Is Mine.”
Remember when one of the Foo Fighters dated Winona Ryder? Yeah. Neither does he.
Why don’t they let the Foo Fighters inside? They’re all dressed a lot better than that pigeon-in-a-farthingale Lady Gaga.
I can’t take Coldplay seriously, especially as their frontman is married to and procreated with Gwyneth Paltrow…speaking of, Gwyneth Paltrow actually sings better live than Taylor Swift. Please don’t let Taylor Swift sing. Ok thanks.
Dear Rhianna. Don’t DRESS like the woman who gets punched by her boyfriend behind their trailer, mmm-kay?
I was hoping Michelle Pfeiffer was gonna sing Cool Rider in front of Maxwell Caulfield but its just Rhianna and Chris Martin.
Tonight’s best Coldplay performance? Willie Nelson for Chipotle! (Now seriously. WHO DID THAT AD?!)
Foo Fighter are good and all but was thinking it would be Mumford & Sons. Alas. But they shouldn’t boot them off the stage with LMFAO and Ryan Seacrest.
What’s up with Ryan Seacrest’s hair?
Maroon 5 kicks off a tribute medley to The Beach Boys. Sadly, Adam Levine is wearing a shirt.
Digging this Foster The People doing The Beach Boys thing more than I ever expected.
It’s The Beach Boys! For realz! But without John Stamos on drums.
They are not spring chickens. But this is so much better than when your cousin Phil DeWheezy performed with Chicago during that American Idol finale.
Can’t have an awards show without Stevie Wonder.
Paul McCartney. You sound like shit.
Ok. Maybe you’re getting a little better. But this song is supposed to be spoken word, right?
Chris Brown is wearing a diamond ear pendant. Everyone looks uncomfortably confused when he wins, like do they clap or boo or…everyone is just confused.
A White Stripes tribute band? You don’t say!
What the hell is this perky Grapes of Wrath shit?
You’re telling me Taylor Swift starts dressing like an old-timey migrant worker after singing a song for The Hunger Games?
All of this being said, that’s the best I’ve heard he sound live on anything. They must have finally jacked up her levels properly.
If it’s not Rolling In The Deep well…nice job. Duh. Even if it wasn’t, you would just have to say it was.
I was about to craft something clever about how Kate Beckinsale has got farther than anyone else just by being cute and sleeping with the right people but then I was horrified when some girl came out pretending to be Lady Gaga circa late 2009 / early 2010. But it was just Katy Perry.
Why does Gwyneth Paltrow get to introduce Adele? Because she uses a British accent some times?
Just because you look good in a ponytail and have an insane body does not you likable, Gwyneth Paltrow.
I love this woman so fucking much.
I need a cigarette after that.
I would have Adele’s babies. And I hate children.
If Adele joined the cast of Downton Abbey, the US might recall that whole revolutionary war thing.
Glen Campbell. Damn. I never liked that Xmas album my mom always played when I was a kid but now I appreciate it and everything about you. And you still sound great.
Now Rhianna looks like Sharon Stone in Casino.
Nice that Bon Iver won. Hollier-than-thou works sometimes. Carrie Underwood totally sang over Tony Bennett. She must be hungry.
Look at Bon Iver. Look at Adele. Being humble is the way to go.
What about Amy Winehouse?
Parade of dead people. I had no idea Dobie Grey was a black dude.
I have been rather indifferent about Whitney Houston’s death, yet Jennifer Hudson makes me a little bit misty.
Deadmau5 is a cylon. I feel so cheap right now.
Did they make Glen Campbell dress up like a priest to sit on stage with Nicki Minaj?
ALSO: WHEELCHAIR JIMMY!
OMG. Is that the KKK?
True story: Adele’s Rolling In The Deep played a large part in keeping me somewhat sane last March-July.
Bet Blue Ivy Carter wins Album of The Year.
Like Adele wasn’t going to win. This is the Adele Show and I’m perfectly okay with it!
And she makes jokes about snot. She is the most wonderful person in the world.
Still waiting for that proper Amy Winehouse memorial.