American Idol 11 Auditions: Catch some ZZZZs in Asspen

Does anyone know why American Idol held auditions in Apsen this year? It’s not as if anything actually happens in Aspen and Jennifer Lopez doesn’t do cold weather. Hell, I can’t even imagine Randy Jackson donning North Face unless Mariah or Journey told him to do it for a video. Steven Tyler would have to wear layers — not three animal-print silk scarves. Those don’t count. Nah, Steven Tyler would have to get bundled up to go to the mountains. Even Ryan Seacrest looks out-of-place in that dark grey winter coat, as nice as it is, he just looks like he’s about do to some on-the-spot guidance at a cassette tape factory outside Pyongyang.

Jenny Schick 
Funny this one’s last name is Shick. When I was 3, I couldn’t say my T’s really well so I used to announce if something smelled — Somebody schick in their pants. True story. Likely because when I was a wee infant, my father used to play with me, all smiley and in a baby voice, Say bullshit. Sayyyyy bullshit. This is probably the only time my parents ever used a baby voice on me and for this I am thankful. Anyhoo, enough with the walk down my memory lane. Jenny is an elementary school music teacher who says the worst part of her job is the RECORDER. Remember your recorder? Made by Yamaha? In the brown & beige plastic envelope? The precursor to learning how to play a woodwind. Horrible, horrible, Hot Cross Buns. But always secretly dreamed of forming a band solely of water glasses, spoons, cow bell, and a recorder so we could be like, an even more awful but universally-revered version of Manheim Steamroller.

Already sensing Jenny is going to be ogled by Steven Tyler. She’s got the look. Kind of like Mary Carey but without the huge boobs. BOOM! Jenny admits to being nervous about singing in front of…STEVEN TYLER. Jenny wants to kiss both Steven Tyler and Lady Gaga, as well as Adam Levine (They showed him? But THE VOICE?!) Jenny’s boyfriend won’t be jealous because he wants to kiss Adam Levine, Lady Gaga, and Ryan Seacrest.

Jenny sings Pat Benetar’s Heartbreaker, which is decent-good but not earth-shattering, which means its about 100,000x better than Jennifer Lopez doing anything without autotune. Jenny Schick gets to go to Hollywood and kiss Steven Tyler. Her mother? friend? also kind of looks like Steven Tyler from a couple of angles, which is weird, but not weird enough to write home about. Hell, last night I discovered I looked like Steven Tyler on the grainy b&w “photo” on the back of my Costco card. (I go to Costco 2x a year, mainly to buy gratuitous amounts of powdered drink mix for the bar at my Burning Man cap. Don’t judge me even if I’m judging me, dammit.)

Curtis Gray
This show is soooo boring, they actually do a package segment on waking up early and being really tired. I guess this is done to introduce this one sort of scruffy-lacrosse-hair, poor-man’s Edward Burns-looking dude who has gotta be from New England given the fact he says he’s wicked tired and ends a couple of -er words with the patented -a.

Curtis purports to be from Spring Hill, FL. Nonsense. He just lives there to play golf when he’s not waiting tables. That guy’s accent is all Boston. Curtis sings Boyz II Men and its soulful enough to give him a golden ticket because people just love it when white guys sing like black guys, i.e., they are soulful, like how educated black men are well-spoken. And tell me the last time you heard a tall white woman 50 or older referred to as regal. Exactly.

Richie Law
Holy f**king Scotty McCreery no. Come on, kiddo, sing the baby lock dem doors!

Devan Jones
Good thing Devan did not do country. That would have confused the judges.

Mathenee Treco
OMG. I want to just watch you and Jacob Lusk sing things in my living room.

Tealana Hedgespeth
There have been times in my life where the self-esteem was low and hell, there was that one four-year period where I dated that complete loser, but I think I always knew that when the time comes to sell yourself, be it in a job interview or when meeting new people, self-depreciation only works if you know what you’re doing. Don’t ever tell people what your name is then suggest they call you DOG. And if asked where you live, don’t say in the shadow of your twin sister.

Oh man. I must be slipping. Twitter friends just informed me this was because you know, how Randy calls everyone DAWG. But the way she said it, and after all that woe-is-me-because-everyone-loves-my-sister stuff, you can see where it was easy to get confused. Do you feel me…dawgs? But I sort of like Tealana because she wears big glasses and a nose ring and makes money as a color guard coach. A former flag girl, I take care of my own. Even if she’s not very good, but its really one of those cases you feel bad about because someone once did tell her she was good AND when she hears herself sing, she thinks she’s good. And this always makes me sad.

Haley Smith
Last week, we had Tent Girl and this week, we have Log Cabin Girl. Haley is all I live in a log cabin in the middle of the woods but in actuality, its a two-story with a fair amount of landscaping. It’s not as bad as JLo claiming to be all “from the block” but its in the same ballpark. But Haley is kind of a hippie and she’s a vegetarian who works making sausage — and bussing tables. And cleaning tables. SHE IS A SOULFUL HIPPIE WHITE GIRL WHO SINGS CHAKA KAHN A LA JONI MITCHELL. The judges lavish her with effusive praise for being true to herself. And then Carole King plays in the background. But we like Haley. Even if this might be the longest show ever.

Alanna Snare
Since we’re in Aspen, can’t not talk about Rocky Mountain Oysters aka Bull’s Testicles. Alanna Snare (what’s up with these names tonight?!) sounds like bull’s testes.

Shelby Tweten
Oh this one is the bipolar girl — aren’t you sort of shocked this has never been a previous contestant’s back story? Good for you, Shelby. Can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and how difficult it is to stay on your meds. Now please do not sing Carrie Underwood. Shelby’s voice is pleasant enough but its not enough to distract me from the ramiken of queso I’ve prepared after a long day. Meanwhile, since Shelby is bipolar, JLo knows this is when to bust out the big guns, i.e., crocodile tears. I can’t believe they let this woman act…in movies?! Can you? Okay…I mean it wasn’t much more than Maid in Manhattan but she did get a starring role in a Lasse Halstrom movie. But then she did Gigli. And her “comeback” was a sperm donor movie. And soon she’s going to be part of the ensemble in the film adaptation (I know? RIGHT?) of What To Expect When You’re Expecting which is a movie they should probably only show in North Korean prisons.

(And in case you did not notice, La Lopez then ANNOUNCED she had tears in her eyes.)

(FINALLY) MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS
Some guy screaming Superman. Another girl quasi-beat-boxing Stand By Me…another guy who just wanted to get on TV for sucking. I’m happy for him. And the others.

Jairon Jackson
Either this guy is going to be humiliated (he’s doing an original) or he’s going to be the second-coming. You know how it goes. You know how this show is edited. Jairon’s original track is actually as good as any similar pop tune out there today.

He’s a lover.

Oh shut the hell up, JLo. Between that and you sumising Haley Smith would feel more comfortable with her guitar, you’re just a regular MISS F**KING CLEO. But Jairon is going to Hollywood. Also: his family looks fun. And: he breaks a light on the way out the door.

Angie Zeiderman
Theater girl dies her hair purple and wears some crazy clothes with some irridescent eye creme and wants to open for Lady Gaga. Randy does not like showtunes and JLo does. Angie already kind of annoys me because she thinks she is a beautiful and unique snowflake when she is the same decaying organic matter as everything else. In the end everyone loves her. JLo claims its because she’s so sparkling and bubbly and showtuney but its really because she poses no threat to JLo’s JLo-ness.

Magic Cyclops
So this is what we’ve been waiting for? I almost thought this was Constantine Maroulis in a weave and some of his Rock of Ages costumes until he busts out an over-the-top fake Brit accent and then I realize he’s an air guitar enthusiast looking doing a Russell Brand imitation — Constantine Maroulis doesn’t have that sort of creative drive, even though I had no idea anyone was doing Russell Brand imitations these days.

Magic Cyclops sings Neil Diamond and Jimmy (er, James?) Buffet and pulls out a confetti popper, subsequently causing JLo to say f**k. Then everyone leaves. Congrats, MC. You did what you came to do. I might even follow you on Twitter for a little while.

Who else was bored to tears? Did anyone else find it kind of sad Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks’ photos are hidden behind the door on the way out of the audition room? And why are we still watching when the Top 26 have already been revealed? Next week, American Idol travels to Houston — Space Capital USA, which is likely just an excuse to do a montage of a whole lotta people singing Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing. And while this song should be retired from the Idol cannon forever, you know its gotta make Ms. Lopez a wee bit uncomfortable so I’m all for it.