69th Golden Globes: Live Blogging This Stuff

21.50

It’s only been about 5 minutes but Ricky Gervais just proved it was okay to publicly make beaver jokes to Jodie Foster.

21.52

Was that Keanu Reeves of Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

21.56

I want a cigarette. Is anyone else sort of over Johnny Depp? Hmmm…Mila Kunis looks like she hates Gerald Butler. Which is super ok, because he is to Daniel Craig what Shia LeBeouf is to Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

21.57

I have no idea why I’ve been watching this for 10 minutes and have already made 2 Joseph Gordon-Levitt mentions. Christopher Plummer won. Very nice. Skinny Jonah Hill, however, is still weird. Now when can we give Ewan McGregor an award for being f**king EWAN MCGREGOR?

22.01

My Twitter feed has told me everything I need to know. Yet it seemed to completely overlook the fact Elle MacPherson is insanely beautiful. Even standing next to Ashton Kutcher.

22.03

I don’t care what else happens tonight. I will watch Tina Fey keeps creep up on Amy Poehler for as long as you want me to watch.

22.05

I like Laura Dern. She still has her real breasts.

22.06

Laura Dern and Laura Linney have never played sisters, have they? How has this not happened? I feel like I said this during the Emmys. Deja vu.

22.09

Julienne Moore also has real breasts and likes wearing green. But message to Hollywood: Can we stop with the mermaid-trumpet skirts?

22.12

We should really just start importing every British show. So Downton Abbey is considered a mini-series or TV movie in this instance, yet there is a Series 2 and it won for Best Drama Series at the Emmys. What’s it gonna be Downton?

22.15

Kate Winslet. Of course. They sat her pretty far back there, didn’t they? And cue the music…

22.16

Could someone make Evan Rachel Wood spend about an hour with JWOWW? Just as there is such a thing as too-tan, there is also WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SMUG CASPER? (And that’s Evan Rachel Wood.)

22.18

Jeremy Irons + President of Hollywood Foreign Press who sort of looks like both Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Phelps but has an Italian accent. I have no idea why you would have someone actually European talk about art and then cut to Madonna blinking.

22.20

“I know that God and my agent have the same amount of input into my career…it’s gotta be done.”

22.21

Melissa McCarthy and some stick figure in one of those damned mermaid-trumpet dresses from a Tom Cruise movie. Get that bitch away. All you need is Melissa McCarthy.

22.22

Do we really need to give Kelsey Grammer another award for marrying younger dumb gold-digging blond women? Oh wait. This is for Best Actor or something.

22.26

Homeland won something. I’ve heard its a good show but a) I don’t have Showtime and b) Clare Danes annoys the living hell out of me. Deer in headlights = not acting. But let’s look at the positive — At least as long as cable television exists, Clare Danes will never get work in real movies.

At least Boardwalk Empire didn’t win, as it is extremely overrated. Next year, Mad Men is back in and Breaking Bad will have finished its final season. Enjoy your little trophy, Clare Danes show.

22.28

Ok. Now pairing Adam “Moves Like Jagger” Levine with Jagger-imitating Jimmy Fallon was a mild stroke of brilliance.

22.31

Oui oui.

22.41

Oh so that’s why Madonna is there. Wow. That song sounds like some of the weakest tracks off of Ray of Light and Music. This song is terrible. It’s almost This Used To Be My Playground terrible. And I knew she was writing and directing a film but I had no idea it CAME OUT and she even did a song for it. Seriously? Well at least Randy Newman didn’t win, of course, he’ll win the Oscar.

Julienne Moore gave side eye and Elton John clearly wants Madonna dead. This is awesome.

22.41

Quit. Trying. To. Make. Katherine. McPhee. Happen.

22.46

Did I DVR Downton Abbey?

22.47

Idris Elba won. And he’s British. The British are just better at this acting thing. And just because he is British, do not flash to Gerald Butler.

22.50

“I’m Seth Rogan and I’m currently trying to conceal a massive erection.” Well, what else does one say when they’re standing next to Kate Beckinsale?

22.51

I had no idea Jodie Foster’s sons were Culkins.

22.52

Yay! Michelle Williams! She didn’t have to marry a midget cultist to have a viable career after making out with James Van Der Beek.

22.53

Sarah Michelle Geller is still wearing her Cruel Intentions wardrobe?

22.56

YAY!!!! PETER DINKLAGE! PETER DINKLAGE!! Do you see this, little people of the world? You can be famous on and on TV without going on TLC!

22.58

Angelina Jolie. What happened to you? You used to be soooooo gorgeous. Now you’re wearing my dead grandmother’s final lipstick.

22.59

Shocked Lana Del Rey isn’t presenting an award.

23.01

Steven Spielberg made a cartoon about Tin Tin and the people who decide this are the Hollywood Foreign Press. Did Rango really think they had a shot? (P.S. It’s okay Puss In Boots didn’t win since Oskar and I still have received ZERO royalties.)

23.03

When does Katherine McPhee get a rom-com with Gerald Butler?

23.05

Jessica Lange sort of looks like post-gastric bypass Roseanne Barr, no?

23.05

OMG JESSICA LANGE. YOU ARE IN YOUR 60s. YOU DO NOT DO OPEN BACK.

23.07

Kelsey Grammer beat out Bryan Cranston. Just wanted to remind you…

23.09

No one in the room wants to see Madonna again. No one wants to hear Madonna talk about Fellini and Goddard.

23.11

See everyone? Not all Middle-Eastern men are scary! And they don’t all wear things on their head. Can’t wait to hear Fox & Friends discuss this tomorrow morning…

23.12

Dustin Hoffman is one of those great pe-paws who pretends he’s sleeping just because he doesn’t like you.

23.13

Juliana Marguiles. You are a pretty & talented woman. Please do not get Botox the day of an awards show EVER AGAIN.

23.15

Clare Danes will never win an Oscar. You also should not look that old. You should not look like Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman has 15 years on you. Clare Danes, please stop talking.

23.16

Whew. I thought that was Katy Perry. But it’s only Emily Blunt.

23.19

JUST GIVE EVERY AWARD TO MELISSA MCCARTHY. Ok. I kind of just want to stop this and watch her in Bridesmaids again.

23.20

Just heard Morgan Freeman is gonna take a bath in a casket. Gotta keep watching.

23.21

David Duchovny. I would still…Thomas Jane…you, too.

23.21

Suck on this, David Schwimmer!

23.24

After the speech…
Me: [On Matt LeBlanc] “He’s from Newton.”
Punketta: “So that explains why he’s so boring.”

23.27

I cannot wait until the day a black actress wins for a role that has nothing to do with being a woman of color in a bad situation. But congrats to Octavia Spencer. (And look at Melissa McCarthy crying!) Ok…The Help table looks like its a lot of fun.

23.30

We should give every woman who did not wear a mermaid-trumpet dress a Golden Globe.

23.33

I am so gay for Helen Mirren.

23.34

Morgan Freeman isn’t even in a bad movie when he’s in a bad movie. Name one other actor you can say that about.

23.37

Decided Batman Begins might be the greatest movie of all time as it has both Liam Neeson and Morgan Freeman.

23.37

MORGAN FREEMAN BATHING IN A CASKET.

23.38

Stop showing Gerald Butler. Please.

23.40

Morgan Freeman + Sidney Poitier = Tears from Melinda

23.41

MORGAN FREEMAN MAKES ELTON JOHN SMILE! BEN KINGSLEY MIGHT BE GETTING A HANDY!

23.43

Getting bored…is it time for the Dead People Parade yet?

23.44

Note to self: See The Artist. Soon.

23.45

The SmartWater bottles on the tables just look so damn gauche.

23.48

If you wondered why they showed Kate Beckinsale when Martin Scorsese, its because she was in The Aviator for 5 minutes. I don’t care if every Best Director award at every awards show from here on out gives it to Scorsese. They will never be able to take back that Oscar that went to Kevin Costner for the white guy & Native Americans movie the same year Goodfellas was released…

23.48

Even I can’t take my eyes off Salma Hayek’s breasts.

23.50

How was this New Girl show nominated but no Parks & Recreation?

23.51

Just saw Benedict Cumberbatch. Did you?

23.52

Michelle Pfeiffer, where did you come from?

23.55

Jessica Biel wins WORST DRESSED. She’s wearing your memaw’s wedding dress and appears to have a third breast. Is this because she’s co-starring in the Total Recall remake?

23.58

Glenn Close played a dude so you know, she’s gotta win.

23.59

I had no idea David Bowie was up for Best Actress.

23.59

You could conceivably just give the award to Meryl Streep every time she’s nominated and then give another to someone else and it would still be okay.

00.01

Meryl Streep is nothing but class. Even in an ill-fitting shirt with awkward cutouts, the woman is all class.

00.03

She makes God-Harvey Weinstein-Old Testament jokes. And you know anyone who loses to her is okay with it.

Cameraman finally wins one by panning to Madonna as Meryl Streep apologizes for “trampling all over Britain’s history.”

00.03

There are always some exceptions to the rule. Jane Fonda is at least 70 and her back looks great. AND YOU MADE FUN OF HER FOR ALL THOSE AEROBICS VIDEOS.

00.04

Oh my Natalie Portman is there and she’s no longer pregnant.

00.05

Who is the woman sitting behind George Clooney who always appears to be on the verge of tears?

00.07

George Clooney says Michael Fassbender has a huge cock. He was already getting laid left and right, but a Clooney endorsement never hurts.

00.08

The Decendents wins. And I still need to see it. About 40% of this live blog is a note to self.

00.09

Unrelated: Will always be bummed Sandra Oh and Alexander Payne divorced.

00.10

Well that was…well, no one died, did they? Hey, I just thought of something! Why didn’t they show the dead people?