Lauren Alaina: Spoiled Teenage Brat & Mommy’s Little Girl

Oh Lauren Alaina. Clearly American Idol adores you–which is why this wretched brat keeps getting shoved down our throats. You’re exactly what they’ve wanted, a plump blond mass of adolescent pluck and precociousness who you want us to believe is a combination of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. You’re a heavily made-up southern cheerleader who loves Jesus, the daughter of a veteran of both Desert Storm AND Shield. You’re an American Idol dream. And then there’s your young, frosted-haired mother with whom you obviously share clothes. You guys are besties. You love it when people ask if that’s your sister because you are both dressed inappropriately for your age. (For any age, actually.) Hell, you almost make Bristol Palin tolerable.

Luckily, some of those who knew Miss Suddeth (I suppose her last name just isn’t sexy, now is it?) are talking about those days before Lauren Alaina was thrust upon the American public (or at least upon those of us stupid enough to watch this crap) and its pretty much everything you ever imagined–about both her and perky stage mommy Kristy. You might wonder where this kid learned to dress like she does, or the uncomfortably flirtatious Lolita act she busts out for Steven Tyler on a weekly basis…she’s 16. It’s not incomprehensible to go with the apple not falling fall from the tree on this one…or the tree placing the apple exactly where it wants it.

The Bottom Of The Glass, a blog chronicling the goings on at Magoo’s, a dive bar with a big karaoke night, gives us a bit of insight into perfect singer Lauren Alaina’s perfect road to American Idol. No wonder she was sooooo shocked when criticized during the Las Vegas rounds. No wonder she dresses like JonBenet Ramsey. It makes so much sense…

Soon after they took over, Magoo’s began featuring karaoke almost every night of the week. Part of it, we noticed, was because the owners themselves liked to step up to the mike and perform at top volume. For awhile, we were able to plan our visits around the karaoke, which explains why Thursday, and not Wednesday, became Magoo’s night for us and various family and faculty members. On Wednesday, it was the worst of all possible karaoke nights, because there was a little girl who appeared there every Wednesday night, and even had a loyal following. Wednesday nights were packed with fans, but the karoke was cranked up so loud that we couldn’t hear ourselves talk to each other, and Magoo’s was, first and foremost, always a place to debrief and catch up.

If we did have to go on Wednesdays, we spend much of our time making derisive comments, not so much about the little singer as about her mother, who seemed to be living vicariously through her little girl’s karaoke career.

We stopped going to Magoo’s. The last time we walked in, karaoke had spread to Thursday nights, and as we walked in the door, we heard a woman exclaim, “What I lack in talent I make up for in volume!” We turned right around and walked out and have never been back. Now we go to Bud’s. Every Thursday night.

But if you live around here, you know how this story ends. The little girl did not stop singing, and she sang beyond the walls of that stale bar in East Ridge. And now, as she has gotten some national recognition in the past few weeks, you know that her name is Lauren and she is one of the 10 finalists on this year’s season of American Idol.

So, yeah, I’m eating some crow, and my friend Steve is eating some crow, since he once teased her about doing her homework or something and found her barely able to put together a response. Yes, we saw the whole thing as pretty foolish and we were very condescending. We made fun of her when she was too loud or a bit “pitchy.” We made fun of her redneck demeanor. We made all kind of jokes about her wanting to be a professional karaoke singer when she grew up. We mocked all the customers who drove out on Wednesday night to watch their favorite karaoke singer. You will probably make fun of us for that.

I love these guys. I want to do karaoke with them. Or at least sit some place and chit chat where we can hear ourselves. They’re my kind of people.

For more about Magoo’s and Lauren Alaina, check out this article in The Chattanoogan. Luckily, Vote For The Worst received a sweet email with a few more details:

Magoos is a dive bar in East Ridge, Tn. The owners name is Jennifer Lawson. She is a lesbian (which is why I dont know if Lauren is homophobic. She seems to love Jennifer) Anyway, Jennifer hired Laurens mom as a waitress. Lauren has always been taught that she is the best thing around. That is where her confidence comes from. That is why she freaked out in Vegas. Shes not used to negitive comments on her singing.

Last year there was a singing competition in Carrollton Ga. There was a boy singer who didnt make it into the finals. Magoos was supporting this male singer BIG TIME! Lauren won this competition. It was called Georgias got talent. The next thing I know, we didnt see Lauren or her mom around Magoos anymore. Rumor has it that Laurens mom was accused of paying off the competiton. Laurens mom got fired from Magoos.

Anyone from Magoo’s wanna talk (anonymously is A-OK)? Anyone who has other stories about Miss Lauren Alaina, who might be TopIdol’s most-hated Top 13 contestant since…since…Danny Gokey? What do you think of this season’s alleged Chosen One?