I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Snooze: American Idol 10 Top 11 maim Elton John

As per usual, I never got around to watching & recapping last week’s American Idol results show. I felt a twinge of guilt…until tonight. They recapped the entire thing during the first 3 minutes of tonight’s show. Why not just go to 1.5 hours? Can’t sacrifice those ad dollars…and everything seems to be so…drawn out. Even the judges are waving in slow motion and we’re treated to even MORE shots of the crowd, one which appears to have gone overboard with homemade signs and other unnecessary accoutrements.

James Durbin. This is your live now. Enjoy.

Judging from last week’s overwrought recap and all those boys & girls gussied up on the stage, I’m convinced Kara DioGuardi is undercover as a contestant this year. Whoops. That’s just Pia Toscano. So much filler! The story of Elton John and Bernie Taupin! An EW fashion photo shoot. Speaking of Pia Toscano… La Lopez sooo stole her photoshoot look. Since Karen Rodriguez is gone, La Lopez needs to feed off another and since Pia is Italian, its the closest thing JLo has to a spicy Latina.

Scotty McCreery
Country Colors

Aiken E. Newman is never going to NOT do a country song. Do you understand? Luckily, Elton John has a song with the word country in it. But guess what? Scotty plays guitar. He’s a WGWG. I have never heard this song, but it sounds a lot like every other song Scotty has sung on this show, with the exception of babylockthemdoors. This song is about a grandmother. Grandma E. Newman is in the audience tonight! Scotty even sings HEY GRANDMA at one point. His final deep-deep note reminds me of one thing — The Oak Ridge Boys’ Elvira — giddy up oom poppa oom poppa. Scotty needs to do Elvira next week. Scotty expresses his love for grandma a few more times. There is no doubt in my mind this kid is getting the most votes every single week.

Naima Adeapo
I’m Still Standing

Naima is turning I’m Still Standing into a reggae tune. Jimmy Iovine isn’t completely sold. Naima’s outfit is fascinating. And not in a good way. It’s something out of a localized The Limited in Kingston. The beginning is a bit rough…maybe because she starts out doing her best Miss Cleo impersonation. It might be offensive. I need some Jamaican input right now. Its kind of a trainwreck and I almost feel the need to go back and watch it again. Randy thinks its corny. JLo tries telling her she sucks but is unable to criticize because you know, Naima is keeping it real. She just thinks the song shouldn’t have been flipped 360. Huh? That’s like Shit For Brains DioGuardi math! The strange man wearing Cache offers up a boom shocka locka boom shocka locka. All of this being said, Naima is still one of the most watchable contestants on the show–whether or not she’ll be around next week is debatable.

There’s a Coca Cola contest called Perfect Harmony where someone gets to write a song with Taio Cruz. You should enter if you write songs about mountains and stuff. I bet Kara DioGuardi is scribbling away right this very moment!

Paul McDonald
Rocket Man

Resplendent in his $2000 sequined rose suit, all I want is Paul McDonald to do this a la Shatner. His band once covered this years ago. Please. Shatner. Please. Jimmy Iovine wants him to perform it as if it is his encore in front of 20,000 people. It’s almost Shatner. Paul whispers the lyrics, half-singing, half-speaking. His voice is so odd and his suit is so gaudy, yet I am mesmerized. The final note…the barely audible time…perfection. It’s bizarre yet so right.

Randy cannot call him pitchy because Pauly Whites’ entire vocal range involves being pitchy. It’s his schtick. Steven Tyler thinks he watered his suit since they saw it last. Steven gets to talk more than he’s ever talked before AND he understands Pauly Whites’ inherent pitchiness. It’s his thing. This is how he sings. Don’t call him pitchy. This is stylized pitchy.

Pia Toscano
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me

Pia Toscano is a moron. This is one of her favorite songs, ya know, so she just HAD to do another ballad. Another ballad. She’s aware of this, hell, she even promises if she’s around next week, she will totally do a NON-BALLAD. But what if next week is Mariah Carey or Celine Dion week? Oh noez.

This week basically is an exercise in Pia’s vocal acrobatics. She wails. She gets the backup choir. Pia has gorgeous legs. Sure, sure. She’s technically outstanding but she’s also duller than rocks. Isn’t that an expression? It is also curious how ever week she seems to be morphing into Kara DioGuardi. The judges love it for some reason and Randy has to defend his criticism by saying she always slays ballads…she was great once again. But Pia, honey. You’re so boring.

Stefano Langone
Tiny Dancer

Stefano wants you to know he has a big package. Because he can’t move in those tight pants. But I bet he really has a Tiny Dancer. And are you really surprised he’s doing Tiny Dancer? HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA. Stefano. Seems like a nice guy. He likes wearing sneakers with everything and making goo-goo eyes at Jennifer Lopez. He’s really boring. But Randy Jackson actually pulls an awesome when he extends his hand to the one offered to JLo by Stefano.

I guess Stefano’s vocals were pleasant enough, but again, it was straight up karaoke. There was more of a connection to the song, to the audience, agreed — but can he change up a song? He’s utterly boring. Not Pia Toscano boring but…still boring. And Steven Tyler. Why are you so disappointing? I know I should not advocate you getting back on the bad shit again but for the sake of everyone watching at home, fall off the wagon until May, mmm-kay?

Lauren Alaina
Candle In The Wind

It is likely Lauren Alaina believes herself to be the same caliber kind of gal as Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana. Just because you might lighten your hair does not mean you’re comparable to a dead silver screen icon and British princess. Clearly Sunday School Strumpet did not heed any of that expensive stylist advice. That dress does not suit your thighs, sweetheart. Lauren should also not admit to just throwing on makeup and clothes.

Once again, we are treated to a shot of Mommy in the audience. Its good we get to check on her weave every week. Sunday School Strumpet? Well, why should I even bother critiquing her vocals. It doesn’t really matter because I find her entirely loathsome. But the song was boring and a few times, she looked like a dear in headlights–clearly a youthful lack of experience with the source material. Me? I was paying more attention to her mullet dress. Even Steven Tyler isn’t impressed with her mullet dress. Listen kiddo, your legs aren’t your strong suit. You’re actually in the bottom of the pile as far as legs go this year. After her performance, she mumbles out some nonsense like a drunk daytime hooker. She kisses ass to La Lopez and Joan Rivers’ twin before remembering the black guy in kooky little kid bracelets also sitting at the table. Nice job, Sunday School Strumpet. I hope he tells you to suck it from here on out. Wait. You might take that the wrong way, uh…

She also did heart hands. Heart hands. Calgon, take her away!

James Durbin
Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting

I love wearing makeup.

What’s shaking, Lambert 2.0? Anyhoo, I have a feeling this will be a welcome reprive from that previous schlock given this is a MOST EXCELLENT song choice for one James Durbin. He’s even removed the throw blanket from his ass tonight. James is all over the place — but in a good way. He’s in the audience. He’s running around the stage. Hell, screw the gospel choir backup singers. They gave this kid a BURNING PIANO!

While enjoying this spectacle, my friend Laura text me this:

Ok this is so wrong but James Durbin reminds me of the deformed guy from Goonies. I think its the ears.

Sloth! Ok. That was kind of mean, but I totally see it. Luckily, James Durbin gets no hate from me this week. None at all!

I have a lot of hairspray in my hair…the one thing I was worried about was having a Pepsi moment.

Guess what, James Durbin? I officially kind of like you. You uttered PEPSI on American Idol. You are also the first person to make light of Michael Jackson lighting his hair on fire since Michael Jackson died. And you can blame it all on the Tourettes & Aspberger’s. WIN-WIN! And yes, this is coming from someone who had her very own Pepsi moment over 2 years ago.

Thia Megia
Daniel

Why oh why can’t I hate Thia Megia? Her exquisite secret bitch-doll face just makes me love her so damn much. This being said, this performance is lacking. Its syrupy and there are several iffy patches, but I still love little Thia! And she misses her brother! But its all rather dull. Thia needs to let loose if she’s around next week.

Casey Abrams
Your Song

First off, Casey won’t be eliminated this week because saved contestants always live on for quite some time. Rodney Jerkins wants him to kill the beard. Kyle Broflovski’s future self goes in for a trim. Casey’s performance is a bit underwhelming, is he selling out? Or is he strategically just singing something simply at the necessary time in the competition? At least he brings it home at the end with his trademark shouty awesomeness. Hey, I’m a Casey Broflovski fan.

The judges love it. They also pat themselves on the back for saving Casey Broflovski. Steven thinks he sings differently every time and this makes him a true artist. This might be one of the most astute thing Steven has said. La Lopez turns this lovefest into a narcissistic cesspool by talking about how she loses sleep when they have to send people home blah blah blah shut up, JLo. And Casey Broflovski, don’t kill yourself over this crap. (No pun intended.)

Jacob Lusk
Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word

The judges want you to love Lusky Stank. This is why Ryan Seacrest tells us he’s from Compton. They even get Mary J. Blige to “show up randomly” during Jacob’s rehearsal. Me? I like Jacob Lusk. I don’t even need to put the fog machine on high for this dude.

No one in this competition has the vocal range of Jacob. No one has the emotion of this guy. The last note? Who can do that? The judges really add nothing special. They love Jacob Lusk. They want you to vote like mad for him. So if you vote, throw him a few. Even as much as I hate Idol’s manipulations, for chrissake, its 2011. We have an African-American President. Black men. Not scary.

Haley Reinhart
Bennie & The Jets

WHOO HOO! Haley Reinhart gets the PIMP SPOT! This actually thrills me, as Haley really has the most interesting voice of any female contestant. The beginning is a bit rushed and Haley looks like a sluttified Easter egg. She also has the glow of a girl who’s getting laid. (She’s allegedly boinking Casey Broflovski!)

Haley needs to stop waving her arms all over the place and she has a tendency to look all sorts of goofy, especially in Fabulous Baker Boys mode, but her voice is fantastic. I don’t know if this was the best of the night, as the entire ouvre left me wanting for more, but she was damn good. And someone obviously wants her to stick around awhile — she got the pimp spot in a week with a double elimination. It must be because she’s schtupping Casey Broflovski.

Next week, expect Pia Toscano to sing I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me and the judges to say nothing of value. Speaking of, Whitney Houston would make a most excellent Idol judge. She’s a crackhead! Put someone under the influence of something at the judges table ASAP. Maybe then someone would say something interesting. So who’s going home tomorrow night? Me thinks it could be Naima and Thia. Or Naima and Stefano. Or Thia and Stefano. But there, my friends, that’s your Bottom 3. (And will we find out what’s up with Seacrest’s hair?)