Left My Fart in San Francisco: American Idol 10 Auditions are almost over!

Just because somebody farts, let them finish singing.

We’re in for a doozy tonight, aren’t we American Idol viewers? It’s the last stop and we’re in San Francisco, essentially because Idol wants another electrifying performer like Adam Lambert. And they want to stick contestants who get golden tickets on a trolley car. I imagine its more because Jennifer Lopez was like, I’m not going to any more third-tier cities. Me? All I care about is seeing CLINT JUN GAMBOA! The greatest contestant in the history of the show. TWO OF HIS SONGS ARE IN THE ROOM! And after tonight, we’re going to Hollywood Week! I don’t know about you, but the auditions are my least favorite part of the season. I much prefer laughing at people we are told to believe are actually good. And I just adore Hollywood Week because that’s when TENSIONS RUN HIGH and everyone let’s their BATSHIT CRAZY FLY! The breakdowns! The prima donnas! You don’t get no better show than this! (At least on…American Idol.)

The Ukranian Zooey Deschanel-Tracy Nelson love child films herself flipping her hair and showering , frolicking through greenhouses with smoke machines. She wears too much pink. Inessa Lee is 22 and her Asian husband is waiting outside. MAIL ORDER BRIDE! OMG. It reminds me of the Ukranian wife of the Chinese owner of one of those we-give-you-free-chicken-on-a-toothpick places in the St. Louis Galleria food court, circa 1999-2000. He would come into Arden B. to buy things for her. Sometimes she would come in. They bought the $250 leopard-print peacoat and had to exchange it. Whofleck and I were assistant managers at Arden B. during this time, two lost souls swimming in a retail fish bowl, spending our Saturday nights doing all sorts of bad things, sometimes bringing in a pillow to sleep in the back room in shifts come early Sunday morning during the holiday season. Thank you, Mail Order Bride, for taking me down memory lane…

Anyhoo, Inessa belly dances for the judges and sings Air Supply’s All Out Of Love. Inessa is not good. Steven Tyler thinks she’s cute & precious and since his grandfather was from the Ukraine, he’s sads. JLo thinks she has a young spirit or something. But this tomfoolery is just preparing us for an evening of massive talent and sob stories involving cutting. And bird shit. Seriously. I can’t even make this shit up.

Brittany Mazur must have been a pageant head at some point in her life. And if I ever hear Duffy’s Mercy again in my life, it will be too soon. Lara Johnston is all bluesy and soulful yet I can’t understand most of the lyrics, but I like her her better than Mazur because her voice is much more interesting. Matthew Nuss is reminiscent of David Cook for whatever reason (the henley shirt and the hair?), but not really. His voice, song, cross dangling from the neck, and the fact he is a music director tell me he’s some bible-thumper. Ugh.

Stefano Langone is not a cutter. He’s borderline guido-y because of the t-shirt and Italian name, but Idol WANTS this because Jersey Shore is hot. He was in a very bad accident. Sorry, but they wanted us to believe someone was a cutter. He was never supposed to do anything again after that accident, but he triumphed! He can lift weights in his garage now! And play piano again! And sing. Since we’ve seen his garage and generic B-roll involving ambulances and firefighters, was there really any doubt he was going to satisfy the judge’s aural needs with his rendition of I Heard It Through The Grapevine?

Steven Tyler tells Stefano he survived that accident so he could go to Hollywood. I would like to believe Stefano’s alive for more than that…in the grand scheme of things, really? American Idol? Oh hush now…

CLINT JUN GAMBOA! CLINT JUN GAMBOA TIME!

Clint Gamboa is a karaoke host who reminds me of the horribly-un-PC “Asian” Mr. Yunioshi (Mickey Rooney. Yeah. He’s Asian.) in Breakfast at Tiffany’s because of his perfectly round specs. Clint is representing STRONG BEACH, CA. Clint needs to talk about The Room! Being a karaoke host is cool and all, but come on! He had two original songs in The Room.

Clint’s voice…I cannot even rip on him. If Idol wants to make decent coin off a contestant, and since a girl can never win this thing no matter how hard they try, they may as well go with some non-white dude who might sound a bit like Bruno Mars. Of course, that would require younger people to vote and for all those scary old women to not vote and oh whatevs, I love Clint Jun Gamboa! I want to buy him a red dress and red roses and when he comes home, I will tell him I already ordered a pizza, his favorite–half Canadian Bacon with pineapple, half artichoke & pesto, light on the cheese. And he’ll say, Oh, Melinda, you think of everything!

You are tearing me apart, Clint Jun Gamboa!

Kenneth Berba is a furry from El Paso. Weston Lee Smith is not good in the way we hear at least 2x in every audition episode. He makes Randy put his head down. Then some dude named Drew Beaumier comes in with a sick homemade Transformers costume. Even better, JLo wants to remind us she’s a mother by mentioning her 2-year-old son and how he would love it, but she seems confused on his age, stuttering a bit. We all know JLo’s twins call nanny Consuela mama. Drew isn’t too terrible a singer, I mean, we’ve heard worse, and he did sing a lot of that song as an automobile and not a robot. I hope Drew comes to Burning Man this year. He’s have to cover up the Mustang logo, but other than that, that would be one helluva costume.

I don’t wanna be a car for the rest of my life.

Drew Beaumier is awesome. After the break, American Idol tries pimping the girls again. They also feel the need to do this to Katy Perry’s California Gurls, which makes me want to scratch my eyeballs out with a pocket knife. Ok. Not really. I would miss my eyes a lot. And wouldn’t I want to do that to my ears if being forced to hear the song? Anyway…Julie Zorilla lived in a Columbian rain forest and enjoys wearing petticoats. She and her family fled because of the violence. She sings Summertime and I suppose her voice is fine. I suppose she’s fine because you know JLo wants to cut her and bathe in her blood a la Elizabeth Bathroy since she’s 20 years younger and all LATINA. Personally, I found Julie to be playing up the sexiness a bit too much, there is too much come hither-ness–its as if she learned how to do this by watching other pretty Hispanic women vamp it up on TV. Steven says unequivocally yes. JLo says big sparkly shoe yes because she wants us to remember one of her most shining moments.

Dave Combs came straight from some Allman Brothers fan convention and pisses Steven off because he did The Beatles and had long hair and Steven has long hair and is wearing a Beatles t-shirt. Steven Tyler might be ready to get back on the bottle with this shit. Some Timberlake wannabe (Timberfakes all wear striped fedoras, even if Justin hasn’t worn once since 2006.) named Rick Deschamp screams unintelligible things and Steven thinks he hit his head on something on the way in.

Then The Falconer shows up. It seems David Johnston just hitchhiked in from the mountain where he lives with his falcon. Funny thing is, I’m sure David Johnston and Dave Combs both actually sing in actual bands that probably actually get a few actual dollars from playing in actual bars.

Then there is Sabrina Corbett who’s torso-on-up is dressed as a slutty cop. Me thinks its really Lisa Turtle who drove up for the day from Bayside. I bet Jesse Spano came with her and they had a scary ride up when it was Jesse’s turn to drive. Jesse Spano is hopped up on Minithins and practicing The Pointer Sisters in the holding tank. She’s so excited, so excited…she’s so SCARED.

Emily Anne Reed comes in with her guitar and I realize how funny it is they seem to have hidden Lee DeWyze’s winner’s spot where no one can see it. Last week, Emily’s house burned down. MORE GENERIC FIREMAN B-ROLL! You can already tell Emily is going to be a quirky ingenue of sorts with her simpleton Virginia accent and hipster attire. Even without the FIREFIGHTER B-ROLL material and childhood photos, you still can tell this girl has a curious spark. Steven doesn’t think she’s ready and says no, but JLo and Randy think she has the most interesting voice they’ve heard…yet they’re not sure. But they say yes anyway. Emily’s voice is a throwback yet entirely modern in its appeal, because its not entirely unlike say, Regina Spektor. The producers want to hammer this home by playing Regina Spektor’s Laughing With.

We’re almost done for the evening, so Idol shows us more tears and laughs at a few more people with non-American accents. And then we meet…James Durbin. James Durbin may in fact be the ultimate Idol contestant. So much so I am forced to bullet out the list of reasons why:

• Dad died of drug overdose
• Lots of crosses on the wall, but artistic crosses one may find in a Baz Lurhmann film so there remains holy roller ambiguity
• A face not unlike Adam Lambert’s
• Hair not unlike Ed Grimley’s, yet reminiscent of that pink Flock of Seagulls shit David Cook showed up with when he auditioned.
• As a child, he had sleep disorders. He was then diagnosed with both Tourette’s Syndrome and Aspberger’s Syndrome. People (frau) love awkward on TV because they want to see them BLOSSOM in front of their eyes. See Clay Aiken and your cousin Phil DeWheezy.
• He likes girls. He met a girl named Heidi in a bar and then they had a son.
• They are poor and live in a cheap apartment, but leave a lot of post-it notes for each other. They can’t afford diapers but they have lots of Post-Its. I bet they take them from the work supply closet. James may be unemployed but Heidi must work somewhere with office supplies. Heidi does seem like a gem, I must say without even a hint of sarcasm, but the fact she is alive and/or not comatose does sort of take away from his status as the ULTIMATE IDOL CONTESTANT (i.e., FRAU BAIT) EVER. But he is still Frau Bait.
• He sings like Adam Lambert. It’s kind of spooky.
• He sings DREAM ON.

Between Adam Lambert’s sad interview on something called The Talk today…

And James Durbin coming into the American Idol world, I’m feeling bad for Mr. Lambert. How many Glamberts do you think will jump ship to this guy? Wait. It might be good for Adam Lambert. Anyhoo, I can’t completely hate on James Durbin yet. His sob story does kind of actually suck and I dug his audition. I also know people with worse Aspberger’s than him…its all about where you fall on the spectrum, baby. I also have a friend with Tourette’s and she’s awesome. So his sob story…ugh. It’s too damn much. I just have a feeling I’m going to be hating on him later on down the road… I’m not sure why he carries an extra shirt tucked into the back of his pants, either.

No matter how many girls or teenagers Idol tells us are amazing, I would put my money on James Durbin running away with the whole damn thing. We know how this works by now. Of course some things never work out…

NEVER FORGET

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Do you think we have a winner? Do you wonder why the hell you’re still watching this crap? Do you think we have definitive evidence Steven Tyler can play the mean card once the “real season” begins?